#pour one out for stabby horse

[amielot]

Horse Girl AU is a year old 🎉 :D

[noforkingclue]

Her Blood Soaked Hands Chapter 1 (River Cartwright x OC)

Summary :

Naomi Heart

MI5 assassin (although really that word is just so outdated). Taverner blackmailed her into joining The Service or face prison time for a crime that she may, or may not have, done. Naomi hates having to work under Taverner but has even less desire to go to prison. Really she can see only way for her to get back her life-

Somehow make it into Slough House.

And she knows just the person to help her achieve this.

Author's Note: I wanted to go along a different route and make an OC that's a bit more... stabby than my other girls. Hope you enjoy this :)

Warnings: cannon typical violence, death (lots of death...)

Slow Horses tag list: @cillmequick

There weren’t many things that Duffy despised. Oh there were plenty of things that he hated but to loathe with a burning passion (not that he used that word too often) was far, far rarer.

Cartwright definitely made that list. An over arrogant cunt who never should’ve been made a spy in the first place. He believed that he had earned his spot due to the talents of his grandfather and not the limited ones of his own.

Taverner was next. Far too devious and would probably happily stab her own family in the back if it meant she could become First Desk. Duffy knew that she also despised, and distrusted him, so at least the feeling was mutual. Still, Duffy wanted to keep his job and Taverner was probably already plotting a way to get rid of him.

Then there was the general public. Well, specifically the public who somehow managed to get mixed up The Park’s business one way or another. They’d seen something that they shouldn’t and become snivelling wrecks. Oh well, at least the woman he was interviewing now was attractive enough to make this worthwhile.

“Ok,” he said as he led her away from the civilian emergency services, “let’s go through this one last time.”

“But I’ve already been through it with the police.” she said, a fresh set of tears pouring down her face

“Yeah, well, I need to hear it.”

“O… ok,” she sniffed once more before taking a deep breath, “I was hired to do some house sitting for the Jones’. I arrived slightly early so they could let me in-”

She cut herself off. By now Duffy and her were a suitable distance from the rest of the civilians. She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She looked down at the ground and swallowed thickly. For a moment Duffy thought she was going to throw up.

“And?” Duffy said

When she looked back up any grief in her eyes and gone. She smiled widely and said,

“Well then Nick, the next thing I did was to shoot them all in the head.”

And then there was Taverner’s pet psychopath. Duffy pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. She just continued to smile and he said,

“I thought you only had one target.”

“Well you know how it is…”

“No I don’t.”

“Don’t you?” her voice lowered, “It’s not like you haven’t killed people before.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“It just is. You know I’m going to have to report this.”

“Oh good,” her smile widened which, although he would never say this, unnerved Duffy, “I do hope so.”

“Excuse me? Are you finished with your interview? We’re going to have to treat her for shock.”

Immediately the mask slipped back onto her face and she was led back towards the ambulance. Duffy shook his head as he watched her leave with the medics. They really had no idea who they were dealing with, did they?

Civilians.

*

Diana Taverner looked out of the glass wall of her office and surveyed her empire below her. She knew that technically it wasn’t fully hers just yet but that was just a formality. She liked it when The Park was like this. Only the night shift on duty, no major catastrophes to remedy or create. Only the quiet hush that-

Was interrupted by the drumming of fingers.

Diana looked in the reflection of the glass at the young woman lounging on the leather sofa. She glanced over at Diana and raised her eyebrows. Neither of them spoke, not wanting to be the first to shatter the peace. Eventually the younger woman sighed and said,

“Is this going to take much longer?”

Diana smirked. Another battle won. She didn’t immediately reply, continuing to observe those below her. The other woman closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“I didn’t realise you had anywhere else to be.”

Her eyes snapped open and she glanced over at Diana.

“I do have a life outside of here.”

“Hmm.”

She narrowed her eyes at Diana’s response. Diana turned on her heel and walked towards her desk. She sat down and picked up Duffy’s report. She read through it again before looking at her over the top of it. She wondered how many times Duffy had to redraft and edit it in order to make it professionally suitable.

“How many this time, Heart?” she asked

“Why? Didn’t Duffy remember to include it in his report.”

“I want to hear your side of things.”

“Makes a change.”

“And you’d do well to remember who is in charge.”

“I remember. Dame Ingrid Tearney, right?”

Taverner’s gaze hardened for a second before a cold smile appeared on her face. She clicked her fingers and pointed to the seat opposite her. Heart didn’t move immediately but one pointed look for Taverner made her sigh and move. She collapsed into the chair and Taverner said,

“I gave you one target.”

“You did.”

“So tell me, Naomi, why are we dealing with three dead bodies.”

Naomi bit her lip and rocked back in her chair. She looked up at the ceiling and said,

“They were paedophiles?”

“Were they?”

“Would that make things better or worse if they were?” Naomi rocked forwards and rested her elbows on Taverner’s desk

“We could work with that.”

“Then no, they weren’t. They just,” she shrugged, “got in the way.”

“You know,” Taverner’s gaze flicked back to the report, “Duffy called you a liability.”

“Did he?” Naomi said in amusement

“Among other things. None of which are overly flattering.”

“Really? Did he put that down in his report?”

“He’s suggesting that you should be terminated.”

“Literally or figuratively?”

“That,” Taverner ignored Naomi’s comment, “you shouldn’t be here.”

“And what do you think.”

Naomi and Taverner locked gazes. Taverner put down the report and leant back in her seat. She steepled her fingers and said,

“That, for the meantime, you’re useful.”

“What a relief. I would hate to be a burden.”

A brief smile flashed across Taverner’s face. Naomi looked out of the window, doing the same as Taverner earlier. The Park really was at its best like this.

“So what’s going to happen now?” Naomi asked, “I’m assuming that there’ll be an investigation.”

“No need to waste time and resources on that.”

Naomi looked over at Taverner sharply. She raised her eyebrows at Naomi before turning her attention towards her computer.

“I thought-” Naomi started

“Yes?”

Taverner’s gaze locked with Noami’s and she felt her cheeks get hot under her stare.

“Nothing.”

“If you have something to say, please, feel free.”

Free.

Naomi was anything but free. Taverner had sunk her claws so deep into her that it was almost impossible for her to see a way out.

“No,” Naomi said quietly, “no comment.”

“Good.”

“I’ll be heading off then.”

“I’ll have some more work for you tomorrow.”

“It’s a Saturday,” Naomi said, “don’t I get time off?”

“Not this Saturday. Now don’t let me detain you from your very busy personal life.”

Naomi bit her tongue as she left Taverner’s office. She was used to having the upper hand in these types of situations. Diana Taverner did nothing but bring a sense of uneasiness with every conversation. She sighed as she made her way through The Park’s corridors. Hushed whispers followed her but by now she had become used to them. Her line of work was a lonely one. Others tended to avoid people like her. Even those in the same line of work didn’t talk much. Just the odd ‘hello’ here and there but apart from that, nothing.

Naomi sighed and rested against the railing as she looked down on the people below. She could feel the stares but continued to ignore them. Diana fucking Taverner. This was all her fault. Naomi had a good life before Lady Di pushed her way into it. A good job, a nice house, things that mattered. But now Taverner had her exactly where she wanted Naomi- at her beck and call.

It wasn’t as though Naomi hadn’t tried her damnedest to get out from under Taverner. Every little trick in the book she had tried and Taverner had always managed to find a way to drag her back. Really, Naomi should’ve been expecting something like this. You didn’t become Second Desk without being unhand. Maybe Taverner was grooming her to become some sort of replacement? Doubtful. Even the mere thought made Naomi wrinkle her nose.

Oh she had no desire to go to prison, not at all, but she didn’t want to be chained up here for the rest of her career.

“Did you hear about what happened the other day?”

Naomi perked up at the possibility of hearing some gossip. Gossip was a valuable form of currency at The Park. Rumours, true or not, could easily destroy someone. Always a useful weapon to have and Naomi was constantly looking for ways to upgrade her arsenal

“Was this about those fucking Slow Horses?” the second agent said as they passed by Naomi in a hurry

Well then, why didn’t she think about them earlier?

*

It had been another rough day for River. Then again, those days were becoming more and more frequent. The bad always outweighed the good in Slough House. Jackson Lamb had the uncanny ability to suck any joy out of someone's day. In the end it was just to give up.

“Excuse me, is this spot taken?” a woman said

River shook his head but didn’t bother looking over. After all, she was just going to be waiting for someone else. No one ever went looking for a Slow Horse. How long had it been since he had gone on a date? It was hard enough to get a date when working at The Park but being in Slough House just sucked every bit of energy from River. It was why he was spending his Friday night drinking alone in a bar. Always a good sign for his future.

“You’re River Cartwright.”

Now this caught River’s attention. River finally looked over at the woman who stood next to him at the bar. She smiled at him but there was a hint of… something behind it. He had seen that look before on Taverner and on Lamb. It didn’t suit someone so young and so attractive. River tried to take another sip of his pint but ended up missing his mouth and spilling part of it down his shirt.

Estuary accent. Nothing particularly remarkable although it sounded ever so slightly forced. He narrowed his eyes as he took another sip of his pint, this time the alcohol actually going into his mouth. 

“You’re in Slough House.”

So, she was definitely Service. He winced at her statement causing a flash of amusement to cross her face. It was an automatic reaction, one that he was trying (and failing) to break. Her smile widened as she edged closer. Fuck, when was the last time he had someone this close to him who wasn’t trying to kill him? However, the disarming smile and dangerous glint in her eyes was enough for River to second guess that latter bit.

“You are.” she said quietly, her breath fanning faintly across his cheek

“It’s not exactly a secret,” muttered River, “if you work where I think you work.”

She cocked her head to the side as she studied him intently.

“You want out of there.” she said bluntly

“Who doesn’t?”

River put his pint down, slightly harsher than intended. Some more of his overpriced pint sloshed out and he tried not to think about what a waste of money that was.

“Who the fuck are you and why do you give a fuck about Slough House.”

“You want out,” the mystery woman repeated, “and I want in. Maybe we can help each other out.”

[pxmun]

The centaurs were once again getting together to throw a hootenanny.  

After their victory against the Nowhere King, the shamans had voted on making the hootenanny a yearly celebration.  Centaurs from around centaurworld had gathered around the rift, waiting for the festivities to start. Meanwhile, in the background Horse was running rampant trying to get the last preparations in order, Wammawink worryingly following behind her. “Does anyone know if Gary finished those sheet cakes yet”? I’m going to need them on the dessert table in five minutes.” Horse said. Horse then approached Sun Fish merguy. “Sun Fish Merguy, do you know if the Coldtaurs have the roller- skating rink up and running yet”? Horse asked. “They’re just putting on the finishing touches now.” Sun Fish merguy replied. “Good, good, good. Now I just need to help Glendale with putting up the lights around the stage, check in with Zulius and Splendib backstage, then see if Whaletaur is feeling well enough to perform in the opening act.” Horse said. “Horse.” Wammawink tried to interrupt. “The bunch O scrunch still needs more mulch for the sflu.” Horse continued. “Horse”! Wammawink said a bit louder. “Not to mention Mouthpiece and Crandy are running late, so we will likely need to find substitute judges for the ice sculpture contest.” Horse added. “Horse”! Wammawink shouted. “What”? Horse stammered. “Baby girl you’re running yourself rampant, what’s bothering you”? Wammawink asked concerned. “I’m so sorry Wammawink. It’s just that I’ve been really worked up over trying to make this Hootenanny perfect for Rider and her friends. I want to make sure that the human world has a good first impression of Centaurworld.” Horse replied. “Horse, Rider and her friends are going to love the hootenanny. I know everyone here really appreciates all the hard work you have poured into this, but maybe it’s time to take a break.” Wammawink said. “There’s still over half a dozen things to do. I can’t take a break just yet.” Horse argued. “I know, but let me take over from here, please”? Wammawink asked. Horse looked like she was really considering Wammawink’s offer. Wammawink could see she would need a little something more to win her friend over. “I know Brian would love it if you joined the others and him in caroling with the kittentaurs.” Wammawink added. Horse smiled. “Alright, alright, you got me. I’ll stop for right now.” Horse said. “Good, now go on and sing to your hearts content! I’ll take care of the rest of the preparations.” Wammawink assured. And with that Horse headed off.

Durpleton had been put in charge of looking after the kids. He was helping them build a snowtaur when Horse approached. Brian saw her and immediately rushed over. “Mommy”! Brian called out as he tackle hugged Horse’s foreleg. “Hey little guy, what are you kids up to”? Horse asked as she ruffled Brian’s hair. “We’re making snowtaurs”! Brian replied. “I helped with adding on the head.” Stabby said. “And I did the eyes! I used rhinestones to make them all sparkly.” Tulip added. Horse looked over to the snowtaur, its shiny eyes staring back. “Wow, that looks super awesome! You three did this all by yourselves?” Horse asked. “Uncleton helped too.” Brian said. “Aw, all I did was supervise you three goody goody gumdrops.” Durpleton said as he gave the trio a group hug. Durpleton then addressed Horse. “We are about to head over for the caroling, I’m guessing this means your gonna go back to help out with the hootenanny”? Durpleton asked, a little disheartened. “Actually Durpleton, I’m going to join in on this one.” Horse said. Durpleton gasped, a wide smile spreading across his face as his eyes sparkled from his sparkle blinkies. “You hear that kids? Horse is coming Hootenanny caroling with us”! Durpleton announced. The three children cheered as they ran, or in Tulip’s case flew, circles around Horse. “Horse is going caroling with us, Horse is going caroling with us”! They sang. “Woah, alright kids settle down. You guys are starting to make me dizzy.” Horse said as she waited for the world around her to stop spinning. Horse and the others manage to make it just in time to join in on the opening song. “We wish you a happy hootenanny, we wish you a happy hootenanny, we wish you a happy hootenanny and a happy new year. Tie-dying's we bring to shamans on swings. Tie-dying for hootenanny and a happy new year.” The group sang. The caroling went on for about an hour, after which the group found themselves outside of the rift temple. Waiting at the entrance’s steps was Rider and her human friends. “Rider, you made it”! Horse said as she ran up to greet her friend. “Hey Horse, Happy Hootenanny”! Rider greeted as she hugged Horse. “Aunty Rider, you’re here”! Brian said. “Brian! My gosh you are getting so big”! Rider said as she picked up the little elktaur. From behind, Rider could hear her human friends snickering at Rider being called aunty. “I’m sure you all are probably hungry after traveling here, why don’t you guys take a seat by the stage while I grab all of us something to eat.” Horse said. The group agreed and thanked Horse for the gesture.

She approached a booth were the moletaurs were serving their famous pudding pie, Judge Jacket overseeing the operation. “Horse, Brian, you guys here to pick up some pies”? Jacket asked. “Yup, you still have some in stock”? Horse asked, worried that the moletaurs had sold out. “Indeed I do, even had a special one made for you guys.” Jacket said as she had one of the moletaurs go retrieve the pie from the back. “So, Brian, you're going to help your mama and the others clean up after the hootenanny”? Jacket asked. “Yes, miss Judge Jacket, your honor.” Brian replied. “That’s what I like to hear, you’re such a good boy.” Smiled Jacket. The moletaur returned with the pie and handed it to Jacket. “This one is extra moist.” The moletaur commented. Jacket then gave the pie to Horse. “I need to talk to you real quick.” Jacket whispered into Horse’s ear as she handed her the pie. Horse nodded. “Hey Brian, would you be able to take this pie back to auntie Rider? Judge Jacket just needs me real quick, I won’t be long, ok”? Horse said. “Okay momma.” Brian replied as he grabbed the pie with both hands. Horse watched Brian until he was within Rider’s view before following Jacket into a hole in the ground. “Is everything alright with Brian”? Jacket asked. “What do you mean”? Horse asked confused. “Like is he developing alright? You know, reaching those important milestones in a young centaur’s life?” Judge continued. “From what Waterbaby told me, Brian is a perfectly healthy elktaur.” Horse replied. “That’s good to hear, but did Waterbaby happen to mention anything about Brian’s magic development? Because I’ve notice he doesn’t have any magic aura coming from him like most kids would have at this age.” Jacket asked concerned. Horse felt herself break into a sweat. Waterbaby had told her and the herd about the shocking revelation she had discovered through the Mystery Woman. Waterbaby advised that they should hold off on telling the other shamans about where Brian had come from, fearing how they would handle the news. “Well, you know, not all centaurs grow at the same rate as each other. Brian’s probably just a late bloomer. Oh, I think I hear Wammawink calling me, so I better go see if she’s alright. Okay, bye”! Horse excused herself as she jumped out of the hole.

Horse reunited with Brian, Rider, and the others back at the table. It was time for the Hootenanny concert to start. Horse watched as Wammawink walked on stage, her wool a bit disheveled from running around to get the preparations finished. “Hello Centaurworld! Are you ready for the most rootinest, tootinest, hootenanny the rift has ever seen”? Wammawinks asked enthusiastically. The crowd roared back with cheers and whoops. “And this year’s hootenanny is really special, because for the first time since the rift’s closing, we have some very special guest from the human world”! Wammawink added. The crowd once again erupted into cheers. “You know what that means, right”? Wammawink asked. Wammawink cleared her throat. “Hey new friends, we’re glad you made it. Hey new friends, as long as you are with us you are home. You made it to Centaurworld and nothing better represents our world...” Wammawink sang. “Than this colorful collection of singing, dancing magic beings, you’re meeting here today”! The crowd joined in. Horse pulled Brian into a side hug. The two joining in on the singing. Horse wasn’t going to let what Jacket mentioned earlier bother her, no, right now Horse just wanted to share this special moment with her son and herd. (Happy hootenanny to all, and to all a good night!))

[notsomightymightytiger]

maybe a farrah and annleigh friendship for writing ideas?

-FAraag

(love u fellow member of stabby squadron)

Ok im feel like this has been done before but I really wanted to give them a cute sister moment, and I never write Annleigh or Farrah but this was so wholesome to write so maybe you’ve converted me 😂   Hope you like it!

It had been their parent's idea, shipping them off to a summer camp to get to know each other better. Farrah was only about seven and completely oblivious to what was going on, but Annleigh’s mom pulled her aside to have a word. “I know it’s tough” She said, “but please look out for her, she’s only little and this has been a big change for both of you, but hopefully this camp will give you a chance to bond.”

Annleigh was reluctant at first, but ever obedient she always kept an eye on Farrah, who spent most of camp bolting about playing rough and tumble with the other kids her age, whilst Annleigh stuck more to the quiet arts and crafts table, or her safe haven of the stables. She was in those very stables when she heard a yelp nearby in the fields and instantly bolted out, sensing it wasn’t good. Sure enough, there was Farrah on the ground, seeming to have tripped on a rock or something and had grazes on her knees and hands. She dashed over and sat next to her quickly, fumbling to reassure her and assess the damage. Luckily it was only minor, but the shock had gotten to Farrah who was quivering and sobbing, staring at her palms as Annleigh helped her to the Nurses cabin, struggling to figure out what to say that could help and ended up just rubbing her back in an attempt to comfort the little girl.

The nurse helped Farrah up onto one of the high sterile beds, gave the cuts a quick look and went to get the sterilizer and some beige band-aids. It stung when the liquid was poured on and Farrah cried harder, trying to squirm away from the nurse, but Annleigh finally found her words.

“hey, hey it’s ok! It’s gonna be ok, look I even have an extra special bandaid you can use, see!” Annleigh squeaked as she produced some my little pony bandaids from her hot pink fanny-pack around her waist, showing them to the sniffling Farrah who widened her teary eyes and forgot momentarily about her scraped hands and knees. She smiled a weak smile and bolted to give Annleigh a big hug, almost knocking her over despite the size difference. She was shocked for a second, but quickly smiled and squeezed back as she embraced her new little sister.

Farrah had to stay off the boisterous sports for a bit, but Annleigh let her tag along with her, holding her hand as she showed her all the horses in the stable even though she was too young to be allowed to ride with her older sister yet, and they would sit together peacefully in the arts and crafts cabin, doodling and painting. One day Annleigh even taught Farrah to make friendship bracelets, “it’s just like when I braid your hair, see!”, and she would spend hours teaching Farrah all the little intricate patterns and playing about with the colorful thread. On the last day of camp Farrah produced a simple pink and yellow bracelet she had made in secret, “This is for you! I wasn’t sure which colors you’d like, but these ones remind me of you.” and Annleigh beamed, putting it on her wrist immediately. She would wear it every day until it got too small, after that keeping it in her box full of momentos that she would look at every so often.

[celticheartedfangirl]

My OUAT Rewatch -- S4E22 and 23 -- Operation Mongoose, Parts 1 & 2

Link to Rewatch Review and Ranking archive

Bobby looks about as done with this season as I am.  I know Michael Socha was done with it -- literally -- but we’ll get to that later.

This is gonna be long.  So have a seat, pour yourself a drink or seven, and get ready.  I’m not holding back . . . . . . 

First of all, I debated about whether I should review this as one or two episodes.  I decided to go with one, and will do this going forward with any episodes that have the same title and are part 1,2, 8 million, whatever.  Trust me, at times it SEEMED like 8 million.

First thing I want to address is a bunch of fandom wank nonsense that came out of this episode -- namely the idea that RUMPLE wrote the story.  Let me make this perfectly clear:

Rumple DID NOT WRITE THIS STORY.  Isaac did.  Rumple told him what HE, personally, wanted.  Isaac took it from there.  Rumple didn’t write Isaac as a famous douchebag author, and he sure as hell wouldn’t have given fucking ZELENA a wedding in the story, he’d have killed her off in a painful but well-deserved death.  Ditto Hook.  So if you still actually think Rumple wrote this story, my recommendation to you is that you back out of this post now.  And you should probably stay off my blog in general.  Because frankly, I think you are wrong and stupid and we are not compatible in any way.  Got it?

Looking at YOU, some RUMBELLE FANS who actually did this shit:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118193570842/i-am-stunned-to-see-some-rumbelle-fans-bitching

Okay, so there’s THAT.  Next . . . 

So this episode was A&E’s attempt at META.  And frankly, they SUCK at it.  It didn’t come off as funny, it came off as making fun of the fans.  No spoilers, ha ha ha .  . . . . . . for those not in the know, back when the show was airing, Adam’s go to answer to fans on Twitter was #nospoilers.  So the whole Isaac so thing was basically a dig at the FANS.  

So there’s THAT.

The entertainment media was shitting all over Rumbelle before the finale, which pissed me off enough to make this post:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118484723732/when-and-why-exactly-did-rumbelle-become-the

And this comment:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118467157702/ouat-finale-your-burning-relationship-questions

And then there’s THIS:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118658755342/omg-ae-dig-the-knife-in-why-dont-you

Yes, in case you weren’t clear, dead is DEAD (we’ll revisit this thought in S5), Neal ain’t coming back, suck on it all of you who don’t like that!  Love, Adam and Eddy.  

Also, in other bullshit news, regarding who taught Henry to sail a ship:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118655893997/henry-no-your-father-taught-you-that

And THIS:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118660507567/what-the-fuck-they-left-rumple-on-the-floor-but

Revisiting May 2015 me is making current me stabby.  And I haven’t even mentioned the entire town of dumbasses herp-derping around and partying at Granny’s while Rumple is dying and could be a meat suit for the ultimate evil of all evils any second now.  Morons.  

Let’s talk about the stuff I DID enjoy . . . . 

Evil Snow was a riot!  

Bandit!Regina was fantastic.  

And this guy:

Gotta love Knight!Rumple!  

Also, I will admit . . . . . Hook was more useful in useless mode in the AU than he’s ever been in Hook mode outside of the AU.  Does that make sense?  

So there’s all of that.  Overall this 2-part thing was part good stuff, mostly hot mess, and a lot of middle fingers waved to the fans from the writers.  But tally comes later.  NOW is the time to address the Michael Socha issue:

Right about now, dearie.  Will Scarlett is gone.  You will never see him or hear about him again.

(Side note:  Made an error in my last review.  I honestly did not remember AT ALL that we saw Lily again in this episode, both in person form or in dragon form.  Which tells you how much of an impression that made on me.  Anyhoo, my bad.  I goofed.  NOW she’s gone for good.)

So what was the deal with Will Scarlett anyway?  

Well . . . . nobody knows.  We’ll probably NEVER know.  You see, Will Scarlett was one of the breakout characters from the spinoff Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, and when that got canceled, someone -- really not sure who -- thought it’d be an awesome idea to plunk him onto OUAT.  

There were many schools of thought on this, the primary one being that ABC wanted him for something and wanted to keep him on contract.  That was 2014.  I’m typing this in 2020, and there’s still no Michael Socha show on ABC.  So that was a load of horse shit -- or else Socha told ABC to fuck off and hightailed it back to England.  My money is on the latter.  

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/115784240042/honest-question-why-did-they-bring-will-onto

But the issue isn’t even that they didn’t do fuck-all with Socha -- it’s the LIES that these assholes (they being A&E) told.  So here’s where my receipts come in.  You ready?  Got your popcorn?

First of all there’s this lovely article -- Will is mentioned by all of it is just glorious in general:

https://oncecrazy.tumblr.com/post/118843079631/the-26-things-the-castwriters-promised-would

What is so HIGHlarious about all of this is that almost all of the articles that existed about the whole Will Scarlett thing -- no longer EXIST!

The highlight is Zap2it -- which is a now defunct fan site that A&E liked to go prattle to.  

So Frick and Frack promised us we’d find out how Belle & Will got together.  I have this:

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/424464333605771793/#

And I have this:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/113163777872/once-upon-a-time-belle-and-the-knave-are-a-new

I also have a bunch of people I KNOW can confirm they saw this interview full of bullshit before it got erased.  Please show yourselves!  

But fear not -- I have an ACTUAL receipt from Mr. Socha himself:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/140658788782/apparently-michael-socha-got-screwed-over-by-ouat

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/140624375357/hes-a-good-bloke-i-saw-him-at-the-comic-con

I’m grateful someone had the idea to type it out, because sadly the link to that article was DELETED, which makes me think Socha got in trouble for that interview.  Because shortly after that, a more watered down interview with him was posted in its place and THAT is still up:

https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/ustv/a785951/michael-socha-confirms-once-upon-a-time-exit/

Interesting, no?

Whatever the case -- Socha got royally fucked over by OUAT, for no good reason.  His character was a plot device.  What a waste and what an insult to the man who just wanted to work.  Fuck these assholes.  

So anyhow, there are the receipts, and we are now at the end of the clusterfuck that was Season 4.  

Speaking of clusterfucks . . . . onward to Season 5.  

Lord, give me strength . . . . . 

Points tally:

40 points to start

10 points for Rumbelle kiss

10 points for Rumbelle hug

5 points for Swan Queen

3 points for Papafire, at least it got mentioned

5 points for Belle in character

5 points for Rumple in character

5 points deducted for Hook

5 points deducted for Zelena

I really can’t justify adding or deducting anything bonus.  Just get me out of this season, please and thank you.

Total points:  68

Follow #celtichearted OUAT ranking tag for more to come!

[lefaystrent]

In a magical kingdom far away...

Fandom: Thomas Sanders, Sanders Sides

Pairings: none

Summary:  The evil Lord Of Logic descends on the land, forcing all it touches to obey the laws of physics.

Notes: The summary is a prompt you can find here. @katie-the-noble-fangirl suggested the prompt to me a while back, and in all of my infinite wisdom, I decided that last night was the perfect time to write it. When I was drunk from a celebration. I fixed up all the typos but left everything as a whole untouched.

In a magical kingdom far away, a valiant knight wandered the capital’s streets. His name was Roman, a man who held immeasurable power and acclaim.

“I am powerful,” he said to himself, sauntering down the street like he owned it. He might have; you can buy streets and name them sometimes. If Roman bought a street, he’d probably name it Glitter Lane, and he’d encourage a royal decree to have glitter poured down it every Tuesday, because fuck any other day. “I am solid,” he said.

In the middle of this beautiful day, the sky turned cloudy, stormy. It looked like it would cry.

“Tissue?” Roman offered the Heavens.

In the middle of the atmosphere, a being emerged. He wore a cape, long and flowy, and down upon the land he descended. The magic-inclined citizens cowered, not sensing any magical flow from the new arrival. It’s like sensing Feng Shui really. You go into a house, see a couch in the wrong place, say to it, “You are a sad thing in this world,” and feel better about yourself. Maybe set it on fire.

Roman approached the figure when everyone else shied away. “Who falls into our kingdom so unmagically?”

“I am Logan. Not Wolverine. The distinction is important,” the man said.

Roman grimaced like he’d stepped in dog poo. Nasty. “And how does a Logan fall into our realm without the aid of magic?”

“It’s called gravity. Read a book,” Logan declared.

Roman didn’t read books. He just stabbed them with his sword and absorbed the knowledge through magical osmosis. Reading books was for the poor saps who couldn’t afford a magical education. And anyway, Roman had never heard of this ‘gravity’ thing before. He was a knight of magic!

“I don’t like your tone of words,” Roman said, mostly because he was confused and trying to cover it up. Honestly though, this guy was just dumb. “What’s a gravity?”

“Science,” Logan said, sweeping his arm out. He held an apple flavored jar of Crofters, the most magical jelly in all of the land. “What goes up must come down,” he said and let the jar fall. It smashed to pieces on the cobblestone road.

Roman drew his sword. “For such disregard of this yummy casualty, I must hit you with my sword until death happens. Are you prepared to die?”

“I am the master of logic. You cannot hurt me with your magic.”

“Fair enough,” Roman said and stabbed a bitch. Logan looked surprised at the blade embedded in his gut. Not like he won the lottery surprise. A bad kind of surprise. A stabby surprise. Ow.

“How?” Logan demanded, voice choked with the shame of his ancestors.

Roman smirked. “It’s just a sword actually, no magic needed.”

The sword was removed and Logan fell to his knees. His haggard breaths stuttered out, hand clutching the wound. He would have expired shortly after had a radiant light not enclosed around him, healing him.

“What sorcery is this?!” Roman screamed. “No really, who is magicking this right now? I do not approve. And I’m a knight.”

“Yo, waddup, it’s ya boi,” Virgil said, rolling up. Roman knew him as a mere stable boy. He passed by him on his daily patrols and loved to exchange in banters.

“You traitorous scum!” Roman bellowed. “How dare you heal this villain?!”

“Hear me out, but I think he might be on to something,” Virgil said reasonably. Reasonably. Disgusting.

“A denier of falsehoods?” Logan asked hopefully. He rose to his foots. Not feet. Foots! Screw you English! You’re just a mess of letters! “I never thought I’d find one here in this land so reliant on magic.”

Virgil shrugged. “It’s a life choice really. Also, ‘gravity’ sounds so metal. I want like nine boxes worth.”

“It’s…not something you really… You know what? I’m not looking you in the mouth, gift horse. I’ll get you nine boxes of gravity if you help me spread the word about science.”

“You would go against the kingdom, Virgil?” Roman accused, pointing the bloodied sword at him. It was really rude, because that wasn’t even Roman’s blood he was pointing with. He should really give it back. Hey Logan, he should really give your life liquid back.

“My life liquid?”

Yeah, that go-go juice that makes your heart go badumpy-dump.

Across land and sea, there lives a Patton who quietly murmurs, “Badumpy-dump.”

“Thanks fam,” Logan said to the author and pointed a serious finger situation at Roman. “As that blood is mine, I demand it be returned.”

Roman glanced at his blade incredulously. “Like…shove it back in?”

Logan’s eyes did a no-nonsense glare. “You would stab an unarmed man?”

“Oh my goodness, you’re absolutely right,” Roman said, as if he hadn’t already done that before. “Here you go, my mistake.” He handed over the sword.

Sword in hand, Logan turned to Virgil. “You know, I knew the people here were stupid, but are they all this bad?”

“He’s just an overachiever,” Virgil said.

“Noted.” Logan nodded and chucked the sword over his shoulder. A pained scream followed shortly after, but surely that couldn’t be related. “At any rate, I am here to teach you wayward souls. Global warming is coming, and I am a harbinger of coolness. Do you accept my tutelage? Or shall you perish?”

Virgil slapped a hand over Roman’s mouth before he could speak. “Do me a smart, oh wise one.”

“Very well,” Logan said and threw science textbooks at the populace. He pulled them out of his cape. It was like Mary Poppin’s bag, but a cape. I don’t know how it worked, but I’m sure there was a logical explanation behind it.

And from that day on, the lord of logic educated the kingdom in ways beyond the magical. Roman wasn’t very happy about it, so he quit being a knight and went into the mountains to fight bears.

General Tag List: @spectralheartt @a-pastel-pan @notalwaysthevillian @rose-gold-roman @ijustrealizedhowdumbmynamewas @katie-the-noble-fangirl @yourroyalydramaticanxiousness @aroundofapplesauce @merlybird500 @beach-fan @jemthebookworm @whats-going-on-kiddos @randomsandersides @gamerfreddie @unring-this-bell @that-royal-ravenclaw @analogicallythinking @lilygold23 @punsterterry @naw2702 @levy-the-b00kw0rm @iolanomsgranola @tacohippy56900 @accio-hufflepuff-power1 @just-another-rainbowblog @georganabanana @grey-says-heck​ @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @thesynysterunknown @idont-know-what-im-doing

[princiepuppy]

Important things I’ve learned from this book: (Warning, major spoilers for the book!)

*Tom is a prince, his fathers name is Lucifer Lucitor

*Janna dated a skeleton and wants to marry Marco after he gets a divorce

*Toffees hand can be seen on page 13

*Marcos initials are mud since his middle name is ubaldo, which he dislikes

*Marco can’t draw

*Glossaryck may have 3 sisters and a brother named Tableauncontenta, indexica, chapterra, and footnotryck but Star says it’s probably untrue (but I hope it is)

*Sensei’s name is Brantley

*Alfonzo and Ferguson beg Star to turn them back into a centaur since they liked being close

*Centaurs sometimes like to be greet by being pet on the nose, but most prefer hand shakes

*Jeremy is afraid of his own shadow

*The plains of time animals are all pet-store pets

*All the squares at the amethyst arcade share one mind

*Marcos wallet is officially gone since Preston stole it

*Pony Heads are Mewni creatures and live in a sky castle called the Cloud Kingdom of Pony Heads (they have indoor plumbing)

*Mewni doesn’t have indoor plumbing

*The underworld, Toms home, is also in Mewni

*other kingdoms in Mewni are called the Pigeon Kingdom, Johansen Kingdom, Lucitor Kingdom, and the Waterfolk Kingdom

*Ludos family castle was called the Castle Avarius

*The Butterfly’s and Lucitors have a pretty good relationship, so Tom and Star dating was probably set up

*Tom will be a king one day

*King ponyhead makes it rain on River until he let’s them have their way

*Dolphins are rude and bossy, it’s illegal to to ignore a request from a dolphin of Delphinidae

*Marcos almost died a lot of places. Twice.

*The book allows you to draw a dimension and I have no clue what to do

*VIP stands for very important pony

*Oh gosh I get to also make dimensional scissors I don’t like this power ✂

*Heckapoo is the only being in the multiverse with the power to make dimensional scissors

*Marco thinks the portrait is still the one who spoke to him during the blood moon ball

*Stars pillow absorbs tears

*Star calls her swords “stabbies”

*Marco worries that Star will drown because she falls asleep in the bathtub

*STAR HAS FLUSHED THE LASER PUPPIES DOWN THE TOILET (and glossaryck)

*All of Marcos exchange students are named: Daniella, Pippo, Akil, Klaus, and Gustav

*Marco only saw Klaus the day he moved in and the day he left

*Star uses the phrase “For baby dolphin giggles sake”

*originally settlers tried to find the moon but stayed at echo creek instead

*Echo creek academy basment is full of mammoth bones

*Blake Lemons borrowed Stars scissors and something bad happened

*https://mobile.twitter.com/oskarkhestra Oskar has a song here

*Pony head thinks Toffee is hot

*Toffee has wanted posters made by the high commission

*Toffee is referred to as “Toffee of Septarsis

*Avarius and Septarsis have a treaty that Toffee violated

*There’s something called the Mewman/Monster Accord

*Miss Heinous is wanted

*Pony head also thinks Rasticore is hot (she has a thing for lizards apparently)

*It’s possible Rasticore and Toffee are related since they’re both from Septarsis

*I have the power to decide whether characters are good or evil in this book

*Marco assumes the baby tadpole egg whites make fun of him

*Quest buy gift card is female

*Ponyhead doesn’t like dogs

*Marco called Star a weapon

*Marco uses Buff Frogs skeleton as an example of pressure points

*Star tore up the mewpendance day book to put it in this book, assuming that was “scape booking”

*In mewni the queens are way more in charge than the kings

*Star makes a flowchart to show what would happen if she became queen tomorrow

*Moon writes Star letters so she knows she loves her

*Moon practically says “Friendship is magic”

*The grandma rooms official name is the Tapestry Room

*Soupina the strange was a queen who used her powers to make soup

*Festivia the fun kept mewni happy when a war was happening (note: she has red diamonds on her cheeks)

* Skywynne, Queen of hours, she added a lot of spells about time and was very respected (Note: She has white hourglasses on her cheeks)

*a spell and a wandshot are different, wandshots are like wild cards, it’s unknown what you’ll get

*FAQ in the book is alive

*Star doesn’t know who in her family made the warnicorn stampede spell

*Stars allergic to her force of nature spells

*Mega explosive crystal laser can explode planets but star just uses it as a cat laser

*apparently monster arm is an edible spell

*Marcos been poisoned by poison crystal cupcake kiss (aka cupcake blast)

*Star wrote down some spells and crossed them out since she isn’t supposed to talk about them, these are the whispering spell and the all seeing eye

*The spell book has an introduction that teaches you how to make a Burger as your first spell

*you look at a picture of yourself looking at a picture of yourself

*There is only one Glossaryck

*Dirhhennia the Heaped has a chapter of nothing but drawings of balls

*Dirhhennia was superseded by her younger sist r Crescenta the Eager (she’s the first and only princess to ever be) since she was seen unfit for the duties of a queen

*Queen Skywynne made the warnicorn stampede

*Warnicorn is a classic transformation spell

*Skywynne had a role in the high commission *There’s a high commission call list

* Glossyrck created the beings of the High Commission, so he’s pretty much their father (?!) OH GOSH LEKMET AND RHOMBULUS ARE SIBLINGS WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO MY SHIPS

*Magical Scissors are actually shears

*Lekmet Glossyrck, and Ominitraxis Prime are the original members of the high commission

*Glossyrck doesnt know when he made Ominitraxis since he’s been around for so long

*Rhombulus’s hands are alligators not snakes

*Glossyrck put in an add for buff frog to be hired

*in stars family, a man cannot become royal by birth, he has to marry a queen or another member of the royal court

*Star has a vacation cabin in a volcano

*Angie wrote the poem “Our lives were so small and puny fill this angel arrived from Mewni. Star is like a zany daughter who sometimes fills our home with water.”

*Unlike the Butterflys, the crown in the Ponyhead kingdom is passed down from king to prince, but king and queen ponyhead had 13 daughters instead

*Princess Pony heads name is Lilacia

*All of Ponyhead siblings are (in order of birth): Azniss, Angel, Khrysthalle, Jan Jan, Pamanda, the twins Shonda and Shinda, Hornanne was born without a horn, Teta, Chezna, Whistine, and baby Pranciss (Ponyheads favorite)

*Chezna filed off her horn and got a horse body implant

*Second borns in the ponyhead family become cheif of the ponyhead army

*Fifth borns become party ambassadors

*Teta has never been seen but has never missed a day of school

*Pranciss is freaking adorable

*Toffees hand print can be seen on page 134 and pony head comments on it

*Marco has a ride called “The marco” were you stand in a baby pool wearing a red hoodie and get water poured over your head

*in Mewni they have their own version of Shakespeare called Shastaspearan with plays called “Momeo and Ruliet in the forest of certain death” “Julio Cesario goes to the underworld” “A late winters nap in the cloud kingdom” And “Hammyletto visits earth”

*Skullnicks first name is Margret

*She was banned from darts because she’s a troll and was accused of cheating

*The monster she dated is named Emmitt

*Emmitt closed the door on skullnicks face

*Jannas skeleton boyfriend has black hair

*His name is Bernando

*Janna doesn’t think Marcos ready to date someone as fierce as her

*Janna will never date Bernando again but she doesn’t say why, but they got along really well

*Marco wanted Star to interview him and Jackie even if it isn’t interdimensional dating

*Star begins to get jealous as she asks the questions to Jackie that Marco prepared

*Jackie always knew Marco liked her

*there’s a lot of steps to perfect the Nod

*Marco said “Purrfect”

*Ponyhead, Star, and Marco play “Date, Marry, or make disappear”, In Mewni it’s called Court, Betroth, or Sell.

*Marco says dating Tom would be weird

*Marco thinks dating Skullnick would be intense and doesn’t want to

*Ponyhead agrees to marrying toffee in the game

*Marco would rather date Ponyhead than make her disappear instead of Janna

*Marco calls Oskars car his “natural habitat”

*When asked to choose between girlfriend or music, oskar chooses his ferret

*During Marco asking Oskar questions, Tom appears to answer them

*Tom put a curse on Marco to know when he mentions Star

*Tom says “Gene, the pleasure is all mine, I have heard very good things about you from my minions” and shakes the tiny ferrets hands

*Tom and Marco argue like children about Marco telling on Tom to Star

*Tom states that if he was Bromancing Marco, Marco would know it

*Star says Marco and Toms shared love of Love Sentence is Bromance at it’s weirdest

*Marco says all the things his body may or may not do are strictly private

*The monster arm would have killed Marco if Star hadn’t helped

*Same with the beard, all because Star didn’t fully read the page

*Book teachers how to make Marcos super awesome nachos

*Stars Cactus headband can store water

*Stars Rhinoceros horn shoes have bubble gum treads that stick to the ground

*Stars dark blue dress is called the Edgar dress because of the tiny bear on front named Edgar

*the Edgar dress can stow a sword

*Stars blue leggings with fuzzy boots ate made from Manticore skin, but the manticore isn’t hurt in the process

*They saved star from death during her mewberty transformation

*Stars spider necklace is a real spider

*Marco says a man wearing a suit (his gi) in other dimensions is more likely to attract woman (I’m going to assume he means Toffee here)

*Ponyheads attract mates by admitting stars from their necks, they also work like attacks

*Using magic on your face hurts

*The mask Marco wore to the blood moon ball is his fathers

*Unicon tears mixed with burnt wood make mud

*Star has a unicorn headdress

*Marcos hoods are called Slouch a hood and are made by Jacket Phat

*Heinous isn’t part of the Butterfly family

*the spinning hourglass emblem means boredom, and I’m unsure if this has anything to do with Skywynne, but hers are hourglasses because of time or something

*Stars hearts have a mind of their own and change depending on her mood

*An answer to a thing I’ve always been curious about: Stars wand tastes like Carmel and that’s why she chews on it

*Star and Marcos words fuse colors when talking on the page about wands, I feel like this had something to do with their souls being intertwined

*All wands are different, but Stars drinks mystic sapphire crystals

*Ponyhead has the final sentence in the book

*Star and Marco are writing letters to each other ever since Star left to Mewni for a conference (I think that’s where Star went after Starcrushed, but I’m not sure)

*Marco is really bored ever since Star left and warns her to stay out of the forest of certain death

*on the “last” page of the book Marco gave instructions on how to cope with a sad ending even if the ending wasn’t sad during this book, but the letters are what actually made it sad

*Stars dad had a razor Crane

Leave comments on what you have found or think about this information, I really enjoyed reading this and am off to draw my own dimensional scissors!

[fashiontrendin-blog]

May I Just Say…Your Horoscope is Here!!!

http://fashion-trendin.com/may-i-just-sayyour-horoscope-is-here/

May I Just Say…Your Horoscope is Here!!!

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. 

The letter “O” on my home laptop’s keyboard broke, so yesterday morning, I had to write this story without the “o’s,” then go back and copy and paste an “o” from an old story in all the proper holes. And when I needed a capital “o,” I had to google “prah Winfrey” so that Oprah’s name would auto-complete and I could snag her “O.”

It was annoying, to say the least, so I thought to myself, There needs to be a place where all of the letters of the alphabet, capital and lowercase, and numbers, and symbols, can exist in one space in case someone breaks a keyboard letter. So in true entrepreneurial spirit, I’ve done just that — plus I removed the middleman (Google):

Aa Bb Cc Dd Ee Ff Gg Hh Ii Jj Kk Ll Mm Nn Oo Pp Qq Rr Ss Tt Uu Vv Ww Xx Yy Zz 1234567890!@#$%^&*() -_=+[]|:;”‘<,>.?/

That’s not all I’ve done for you today though! I also finally did your May Horoscope. Per usual, all credit to Susan Miller of Astrology Zone, who guides my words like a North Star.

Ready, set, SING!

Taurus

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US CELESTIAL SKY COWS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!

I know it’s cool to hate “the birthday song” at restaurants but I kind of love it. When else — besides at the Hard Rock Cafe, where I spent my 16th birthday and stood on top of a table to dance after too much sugar — is it acceptable to burst spontaneously into song and essentially light things on fire and cause a scene (all without getting thrown out)?

Speaking of causing a scene! This just in from Susan: “This will be a major month for you, dear Taurus, for Uranus, the planet of change, individuality, creativity, rebellion, disruption, and innovation, will move into Taurus for the first time since 1934 for a very long visit. This means this influence will be new for you.”

How ironic, or how perfect: All I do in these horoscope recaps is shit-talk the planet of butts, and yet here it is, coming into our sign — a less than once in a lifetime opportunity because it doesn’t necessarily happen to everyone — to make our lives better/more interesting/more creative. Uranus is going to open up a lot of doors that we didn’t even know existed.

Shorter term, the new moon of the 15th will affect us positively too (we’ll exit toxic situations) and then Mars in Aquarius will breathe new life into our careers (but we can’t just sit there! Get after it, as that annoying guy you know says). It’s a great month for love, and to be betrothed. Don’t forget you can marry yourself! That way you can merge your bday cake and your wedding cake into one!

Gemini

SNAP INTO A SLIM-GEM! I just thought of that, you can thank me or reprimand me later. That wasn’t meant to sound so kinky but choose your own adventure, I suppose.

Speaking of kink! Uranus is going to enter everyone’s life in a major way this month, and Uranus, as you know, is full of “sudden surprises and impulsive actions and unexpected news,” so if you’ve been feeling like everything has been the same for so long, GET READY TO FEEL OTHERWISE, CHRISTIAN GREY.

If you’re writing a book or a play (or you want to) the new moon on the 15th will fuel your creativity. Everything is going to look like copy to you, or like a song, or like a movie. Please don’t miss your stop on the subway because of this, but if you do, anyone who’s accidentally gone to Queens instead of Wall Street knows that this adventure can be a total delight AND further fuel your writing. Unless you’re late for a meeting in which case, I feel you and that’s stressful. I’m projecting though because Susan said nothing about being late! But she did say May will be a romantic month, especially if you want to go to Wyoming and meet a hot cowperson and be around horses. Swear to god she said that, in more words or less.

Cancer

If April felt like it sucked (it kinda…did…didn’t it??) MAY WILL BE THE OPPOSITE! Take THAT, calendar makers who always make April something adorable, like baby ducks in yellow rain boots, versus May, which always features like, a tree. Not that trees aren’t cool but it’s hard to compare, calendar-wise, a tree to a chick in wellies.

May’s going to be super romantic for you, especially this coming weekend. Unrelated to romance — or very related, depending on what you’re into — Uranus is “showering” you with “sparkling aspects” that Susan calls “deliciously social.”

Life will really feel like it’s taking on a new tune for you (in a great way) around May 15th. There’s a new moon when Uranus kicks into high gear. Two bad it’s not a full moon, otherwise I could have a made a two-butts-for-the-price-of-one joke.

I think you’re going to get rich on the 29th!

Leo

Kittens! Inspired by kittens!

You know what’s messed up? The way my “CYCLE” runs, I get fork-stabby-in-my-ovary-cramps every single time I write horoscopes, depending on how late in the month we’re running, and I have them terribly while writing yours. That should make this an adventure! It’s like EXTREME WRITING. It’s like Gordon Ramsey for periods and horoscopes! What would that show even be called? Taking suggestions in the comments below.

SUSAN THINKS you might be moving!!! Good thing Haley — fellow Leo — found all those decorating tips for you.

You’ll feel extra creative this month, and you’ll get famous as a result on the 15th (even if it’s just office famous, or your-boss-loves-you famous — either way you’ll feel like a real Molly Shannon superstar). On the 25th you might even sell some of your work.

The 29th is your day for love, although considering that we’re heading into summer, I’d say you’ve got a whole season of makeouts and whatnots ahead of you. You know my favorite life motto: Have fun, be safe! And don’t forget that whoever you bump lion butts with should treat you like the king/queen/and all sorts of royalty in-between of the jungle that you are!

Virgo

Full disclosure, I date a Virgo, so your ‘scopes are definitely now swayed in a way that some might consider unethical in the world of journalism, but with Susan and the stars as my main source, how can I go wrong, really?

May will be an exceptionally romantic month (!) where you and you and your main squeeze are likely to get away from the 25th to the 27th. DO NOT FORGET that “main squeeze” can also mean your bff or your favorite book.

Bffs rule, especially when you forget a song and hate using Google so you call them instead, but if you’re looking for love — or perhaps a simple summer fling? I can’t believe I forgot to announce the official commencement of uncuffing-season: a super fun time of year, except for the Virgo I date, I suppose — then take joy in knowing you’ll find it and you won’t even have to look under any wormy rocks! (No offense, February, but don’t think I don’t remember that shit.) And I’m just going to add this casual line in here there from Susan: “devote yourself to love sweet love.” Take it or leave it. I’m going to Target!

You’ll feel particularly intellectual on the 15th, and everyone important to your career will love you. Your career is on a skyrocket whiz-bam-boom UP into the ether! Avoid signing agreements on the 13th, but otherwise, sounds like a party month to me!

Libra

Libra Libra bo bibra banana nana no nibra me mi mo meebra, libra! I forget how to do that song but hi how are you how’s your day going let’s talk horoscope and for heaven’s sake maybe I won’t make the next seven so damn long!

I know you want to travel and you’re feeling itchy to get away. You will in June, for now, enjoy the time at home to regroup for summer and watch as the CA$H FLOW STARTS POURING IN. Per Susan, the money influx is looking as though you might suddenly find out you’re the Princess of Genovia, minus the antiquated-beauty-standards makeover montage (although I do love a makeover montage so have one at your leisure that feels good for you).

Mars in Aquarius on the 16th means an influx of fun and friends and dancing and laughing. If you’re finding yourself arguing a bit with your S.O., Susan Miller suggests couples therapy, and so does MR contributor Meghan Nesmith. In fact, she loves it.

Venus will enter your “professional reputation sector” on May 19th, so that sounds to me like an office party (to celebrate all your achievements, obviously!) if I’ve ever seen one. Can’t wait to see all that you achieve, honey bee. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

Scorpio

Sting Butt! Let me start off this spring ‘scope with the kind of Susan Miller quote that people probably expect to read when they take the time to check out what the stars have in store for them, rather than my old blatherings:

“As a Scorpio, you tend to like to do things by yourself and not involve others. You like having full control, but sometimes, like this month, you might want to consider teaming up with a person that can add a needed element of expertise to your life. This may be for business, but you also will have the urge to merge in love – by getting engaged or married.”

Okay! Back to the blatherings! Except this is all kind of related: On the 15th, you’ll grow closer to a partner (professional or bed-wise). It also seems you’re about to partake in moving season: Mars will help you, but because it goes retrograde in June (the 26th through August 27th) try if you can to wrap your shit up now.

Finally, May 25th is an ideal day for love. To find it, nourish it, cherish it, roll around in it. Eyes open and arms out wide. I’m hungry! Are you??

Sagittarius

Hello divine equines! Don’t forget to polish your hooves so that they’re shiny for summer’s arrival. In other non-horse related news (why, though) embrace the fact that the start of the month, you’re going to feel nest-y and like you’d rather keep to yourself than be social. This is totally okay, and also a great time because I feel like there’s good stuff out on Netflix right now to catch up on. (This will also be a good time to save up some money if you feel like you’ve been especially spend-y.)

I have to pee.

You, meanwhile, will feel ESPECIALLY creative this year, and you can thank Jupiter and Neptune getting along nicely for that!

On the 15th (a new moon, tell your friends), will bring “news of a new assignment,” which sounds annoying because everyone’s to-do list might as well be called a Too-Long-To-Do-List, Thanks, but it’s not because this new assignment will mean a lot of money. Hurray! Oh but please do read the fine print slowly and carefully.

Travel, travel, travel (Susan is always trying to get people out of town, no matter the sign. I swear she’s a rogue house party thrower or something), and on May 19th — ooo! Love’s on the horizon: Venus will “glide through your seventh house of commitment from the start of the month until May 19th.” How’s that for a fantastic lube PSA?

Capricorn

Hey Caprese-salad-corns! Susan Thriller says you’ve got the spotlight on you this month. She also says that the world may feel like it’s turning too quickly right now. She promises you can handle this, even if that Simon & Garfunkel song “Feeling Groovy” just told you to slow down because you move too fast.

I had to sing that song in some chorus I was in forever ago and it gets stuck in my brain all the time.

Susan also says that life has felt a little rocky and serious lately. Well MAY (my birthday month, FYI) will bring you — or hopefully already is bringing you — “lots of reasons to enjoy life.”

May 15th will be a hyper-romantic day, whether you’re single as an errant chin hair or as wrapped up in another human as an ingrown.

The rest of May stays romantic, especially the 25th when Jupiter and Neptune hook up. It might be a nice time to travel but also, to paint those nudes you’ve been meaning to do.

^As for those nudes, you can thank Uranus moving into Taurus (we in the Taurian committee are very thrilled and honored to host) for upping your creativity. Can’t wait to see what you paint, literally AND metaphorically!

Aquarius

Hello you beautiful celestial swimming pools of brilliance! (Feel free to use that description in your Instagram or Tinder bio.) Your focus this month will center around the home, so maybe you’re moving. Do tell all the details.

Uranus’s move to Taurus will influence all the signs in a major way. For you, this may involve some kind of move. Try to be flexible because this Uranus situation is a good thing. Remember, the Planet of Butts is also the planet of surprises!

This month is a good time to be productive (sorry if that’s boring) because the summer’s going to get a little sticky what with the planets going on various vacations and everyone being too hot (not that I’m complaining after our long and longer winter). Some things to keep you motivated: Your career is excelling and you as a professional human are sitting astride a shooting star.

And after that, honestly, Susan just repeated more of the same thing! Oh but try to throw a party or take a vacation at the end of May! Yay!

Pisces

Hi sweetie sweet sweet goldfish! Uranus, who “played havoc with your finances for seven years” (when butt stuff goes awry), is finally OUT of your sign. You will feel instant relief, per Susan Thriller. And I get it. You must have felt financially constipated given all of the clues I’m drawing from Suz!

Well. Get ready for your money to steady, if not rise, and get even MORE ready for your creativity and communication skills to shoot up so high that the moon’s like, “Hey watch it down there!” But then the moon will smile in a good-natured manner because honestly, she gets it. (That said, this is why we don’t play with rubber bands indoors or near eyes, okay?)

May 15th might be a good time to seek a scholarship for continued education or something in line with that theme. (You know all of these horoscopes are amenable to your reality.)

Now here’s something I am really excited to talk about even though I just weirdly put an apple I wasn’t done eating in my mug of coffee (to hold it) but turns out I still had coffee in there — way to kill two birds you very much wanted alive with one stone, Amelia: The weekend of the 25th to the 28th is an excellent time for LOVE!!!!!!!!! Love in the romantic sense, and love in the creative sense, plus, Susan Miller gives you free rein to go shopping thanks to Venus!

Bartender! Please! Three cheers, three beers, and a Fuzzy Nipple while you’re at it!

Aries

I’ll tell you what I just saw, Aries: two pigeons engaging in the act of foreplay. It was troublesome, even though I know all things deserve to have and make love, so please just know that I will be working through that while I type this out. I also really, really need to Google “how do birds have sex” and “bird penis,” which I have done before! I just can’t keep it in my mind apparently (there’s probably a protective psychological reason for that?) but, big caveat, I’m borrowing Elizabeth Tamkin’s computer because I needed to work remotely and my work computer is a desktop and if you read the intro then you know that the “O” key of my home computer doesn’t work!!! But anyway I can’t just go searching for bird peens on a colleague’s computer.

So here we are: THIS MAY, your finances are on the rise, but (!), the “heavy emphasis on your career will become less important to you once you reach May 15th. “You’ll turn your focus to friendship, largely.” Interesting. Sounds like a work-life balance situation to me. (But also if you’re like whoa whoa hey hey I need to focus on my career, Susan later brings up networking, so maybe you’re focused on your career still, but you’re re-centering your focus on networking so that you can make your next move — make sense? Does anything I ever write in these horoscopes make sense? I have to wash my hair or else!)

The rest of May, especially the 23rd, will be a great time to travel. Going anywhere special for Memorial Day? Do tell me about it. As for love, you know how people get when the temperature rises: all dough-y eyed and looking for someone to makeout with. They don’t call it Spring Fever for nothing!