#potentially explaining the joke too much but the red is hot sauce yes not anything metatextual. dont worry

[lucabyte]

Courtesy of @samhainian: The gang goes on hot ones

Bonus:

mean to them

[whereisfootball]

2018 MLS Kit Branding Reimagined

The 2018 Major League Soccer season is nearly underway. It’s been a long offseason and we’re hyped to have it back.

Our friends Tap In have a lot of new, exciting MLS content coming this year on their guide, and in celebration of that, we decided to partner on a fun little project.

In a bid to add a little more personality to what is largely bland, impersonal sponsorship real estate on each kit, we reimagined every team’s jersey with something new in the middle of it. Some of these are local companies, others are prospective partners who have some fun link to the team, and others will probably just be arcane jokes that won’t land.

Nevertheless, we thought this was a fun way to bring a few of our favorite things together: Friendship, Photoshop & American soccer.

Please enjoy.

Atlanta United — Waffle House

An iconic southern restaurant with its roots in Atlanta, Waffle House is open 24/7, 365—and it’s the best. As Waffle House FC will tell you, this is a perfect sponsor for a team that’s tasty on and off the pitch. Their supporters never waver, refusing to shut off for even a single second when they pack the Mercedes-Benz Stadium. They aren’t afraid to do things their own way—which, yes, can sometimes get a bit messy ... but most of the time it’s spot on.

Chicago Fire — Portillo’s

Sorry, it’s important we let you know now that this is probably going to be a food-heavy list as we’re rather fond of eating.

Portillo’s is a Chicago institution known for its hot dogs, Italian beef sandwiches, and an extremely healthy, 100% good for any diet cheese sauce.

While the Fire aren’t yet a Chicago institution themselves, we hope one day pictures of Bob Bradley, Hristo Stoichkov & Ante Razov will line the walls of a Portillo’s near you.

Colorado Rapids — Coors

The beer with mountains on the can that turn from white to blue when it’s cold enough to drink...

The beer that you knew and loved so well from ages 21-24...

The beer brewed with spring water from the very same Rocky range you can spot from the Colorado Rapids’ 18,000-seat soccer specific stadium...

Headquartered in Golden, Colorado and responsible for some of the best nights of your life, we give you Coors on a Rapids jersey...

“Like if Chelsea’s 1994 kit did a gap year in America.”

Columbus Crew — Wendy’s

As the red-headed stepchild of MLS, this one kind of feels right. And the disappearance of the club would be just as sad as when Wendy’s (founded in Columbus) got rid of their spicy chicken nuggets.

#SAVETHECREW

(Note: The actual kit is pretty great and it’s honestly insulting that we did anything to it. We’re sorry.)

DC United — Geico

The Chevy Chase, Maryland-based Geico gecko had some good years there. We all liked him for a while. It was a good bit. But it got stale right around the time Freddy Adu left town. Since then, DC United and the gecko have struggled mightily to find consistent form. Here’s hoping they both find success this year from a new approach.

(And, hey, while we’re here: All the best to you, Freddy.)

FC Dallas — Dr. Pepper

Everyone’s second team, Dr. Pepper, is a lifestyle in Texas. A Lone Star State-staple that pulls a talented 23-flavor squad from all-over—here’s to you Waco and Dublin— Dr. Pepper is an underrated, over-performing outfit with immense local significance … just like their imagined partner in Dallas.

A lot more to be proud of than their trophy cabinet will tell you.

Houston Dynamo — Swishahouse

As Mike Jones, noted soccer superfan, Swishahouse OG, and Everyone’s Favorite Rapper from 2005, once said:

Let ‘em know: Houston Dynamo.

Good enough for us.

LA Galaxy — SpaceX

Space. Galaxy. You get it.

Headquartered a stone’s throw from the LA Galaxy’s stadium in Carson is SpaceX, Elon Musk’s influential private “outer space things” company as it’s scientifically known.

Much like MLS’s most famous and successful franchise, SpaceX is a trailblazer famous for its glamour and willingness to break the mold. This isn’t to say it’s always smooth sailing—for either—but at the end of the day they’re both respected for their vision and performance.

This crossover is too perfect and it’s something that we’ve seen terrific mockups of in the past (though we wish we knew who to credit!). Also worth a shout is this awesome piece from LA Galaxy Confidential, which mentions Tesla as a fun potential partner. 

LAFC — The Boring Company

If the Galaxy is SpaceX, LAFC is The Boring Company.

Elon Musk’s newest endeavor is going to revolutionize Los Angeles by … making tunnels for cars? Oh, and by creating giant vehicles that can travel those tunnels and move lots of people at once … like a train. Hmm. The Boring Company seems like a well-backed but ordinary idea that lacks direction and distinction, with a lot of hype for reasons no one can really explain.

To be blunt, we haven’t really seen much to this point.

The Galaxy have sent a Tesla up into space and revolutionized how we build rockets... but LAFC have so far just made a bunch of flamethrowers and sold out their entire stock. So, we’ll see.

For now, all we’re really sure about is how much better their kit would have looked if they hadn’t put their sponsor in red.

Minnesota United — Prince. Duh.

You can have a Dirty Mind or even be a little Delirious, but you’ll still end up right back here with no Controversy. You can wear it in a Little Red Corvette, in a Purple Rain, When Doves Cry or even put it on Bambi. With this kit, you’ll be a Sexy MF.

Montreal Impact — Cirque du Soleil

What’s wilder than benching Didier Drogba because you’re better without him? One person doing acrobatics on the head of another person while a third person flies through the air holding fire. In French.

Born and headquartered in Quebec, Cirque du Soleil is now the largest theatrical producer in the world. The Impact aren’t even the kings of Canada yet, let alone MLS, but this could be the year they flip their way to the top. Holding fire. In French.

New England Revolution — Sperry’s

Put those Sperry’s on to look the part and take your dad’s boat out on the water. You’ll be as close to Boston as Gillette Stadium and the deck of your boat will probably be as soft as the turf too.

NYCFC — Sbarro.

The Michael-Scott-approved best pizza in New York. The only logical choice.

Sorry, sorry. We’re kidding. Don’t go to Sbarro.

...Let’s try that again...

NYCFC — WeWork.

Much like City Football Group, WeWork is trying to change a model.

For CFG, it’s football clubs. For WeWork, it’s the office space game. WeWork started in New York, born out of an inability to find affordable and available office space in the city—a problem NYCFC knows rather well—and now has an operation that spans across the globe.

Like CFG, it might not be your cup of tea, but it certainly works for a lot of people in NYC and has offered plenty of enterprising young professionals a place to grind. #JackHarrison

New York Red Bulls — Become the MetroStars again.

#Metros4Ever. That is all.

Orlando City — Publix

This one is a no-brainer.

Publix is an employee-owned supermarket chain that serves up some truly delicious food and has fans almost as fanatical as those found on The Wall in Orlando.

Floridians are vocally, passionately, sometimes a bit frighteningly #TeamPublix—and the same can be true for the way purple-clad City supporters get behind their squad.

Philadelphia Union — Wawa

If you know, you know. In their words:

“Wawa is your all day, every day stop for fresh, built-to-order foods, beverages, coffee, fuel services, and surcharge-free ATMs. The stores offer a large fresh food service selection, including Wawa brands such as built-to-order hoagies, freshly brewed coffee, hot breakfast sandwiches, built-to-order specialty beverages, and an assortment of soups, sides and snacks.”

Wawa 4 ever. #SheetzOUT

Portland Timbers — Powell’s

Powell’s City of Books is (supposedly) the largest independent new and used bookstore in the world. It is ginormous and fantastic and you should go if you’re ever in Portland.

We don’t know of any football clubs sponsored by book stores, but if there was ever going to be one, it would play in the Rose City.

Real Salt Lake — High West

Tucked away in a state known primarily for its gorgeous vistas and as the home of the Mormon religion is a really wonderful distillery that will knock your socks off. It also comes with that beautiful mountain view, not unlike Rio Tinto Stadium.

San Jose Earthquakes — Yahoo!

Nothing says cool like needing an exclamation point at the end of your name. Kind of like building a brand new stadium and needing to tell people that you have a really long bar.

As the kit sponsor of the Quakes during their two title runs, we think it’s time for Yahoo! to make a return. (Not sure anyone will use it, though.)

Seattle Sounders — Starbucks

Sorry, we’re those guys. Seattle gave the world Starbucks and we needed to see what that logo would look like on these new kits. 

Plus, much like Starbucks invented coffee, the Sounders invented American soccer.

Sporting Kansas City — Hallmark

A proudly Kansas City company that is all about good vibes, with extensive Wizard of Oz involvement over the years.

That sounds a lot like Sporting KC to us—a team that needed a rough start in order to find its way. Much the same, Hallmark probably would have never become what it is today without extensive setbacks in its early years.

Toronto FC — Tim Hortons

Timbits and trophies: That’s what Toronto does. Nowadays, anyway.

We only had three Canadian teams to give the Tim Hortons love to, so we figured the toast of MLS deserves the world’s most lovely quick-service cafe and bake shop.

Vancouver Whitecaps — Lululemon

Set on the water, with an amazing mountain view, you couldn’t say a bad word about how great Vancouver looks. It’s straight-up cool. And local company Lululemon makes activewear that looks similarly awesome. We are officially here for MLS yoga wear.

————

This post was a collaboration between Where Is Football and Tap In Guide. Check out their stuff—it’s awesome.

A special thanks to Tap In’s graphic designer Mike Arney for helping bring our ideas to life, and to our buddy Ryan Rosenblatt for developing those ideas with us.

As always, you can follow us on Instagram @whereisfootball.

[balrogbussy]

Flavor Town - 7

I was starting to get disillusioned with grindr. Every god damn day it was the same 3 people and painfully boring conversations. I decided I had to roll the dice and get my tinder back to gold status. I started furiously swiping left and right looking for someone I could hang out with... yes, just hang out. The nice thing about tinder gold is that it shows you who swiped on you. After a couple of hours with my profile on boost and little to nothing coming from the new matches I looked at the people who swiped on me. There were a lot of profiles that looked alright, but Cameron stuck out. I quickly swiped right to confirm the match. BAM. This boy hit up my phone instantly. “Okay... work.” I say to myself as we begin our conversation. Cameron was really cute. He was a short thin latino boy with really good eyebrows and his hair made me wet just looking at it. I was playing it conservative at first, I didn’t want to scare this one away. Soon, a couple of the conversations turned a little dirty--not intentionally. I was talking about cooking for my family and I was cooking steak and he just blurted out “I LOVE MEAT”. Obviously the cheap innuendos followed. We were talking about going to see a movie and I really wanted to see the second Strangers movie, but Cameron said he was “too pussy”. I said that I’d be there so he could hide in my shoulder and he said “the sound is what freaks me out the most”... that’s when I ghosted him for the night. I threw Cameron a line and he just let that fucker sink. While I left Cameron sleeping among the rest of the fishes I found a few more hopefuls that I kept regularly talking to. I felt like I was finally beginning to mellow out and take casual dating seriously, when literally two of the guys (besides Cory) dropped the “B” word...  They started fucking calling me baby... Who the fuck is baby? I ain’t yo baby, I’m no one’s baby. It was starting to suffocate me. There was no way in hell I was ready or looking for a relationship, so the idea of having a pet name with some dudes I barely knew sent off alarm bells in my head. Who the fuck starts using pet names so soon? I know gay men move fast, but I half expected to walk outside and see one of them waiting with a suitcase on my door step waiting to move in. I turned my phone on do not disturb and passed out. The next morning most of the messages I had were from Cameron. I rolled my eyes and started to read them. He was attempting to redeem himself after failing flirting 101 and I found it pretty cute. He asked me what my plans were for the night and I said that I had none, other than just cook myself dinner. Cameron got excited “I LOVE cooking”. I decided to pull the trigger. “We can go get some groceries and cook together tonight if you want?” I honestly didn’t expect Cameron to agree but he did. I showered and got ready--probably looking a little too posh for grocery shopping and met Cameron at the grocery store next to one of the local Universities. He smiled and hugged me and he was totally adorable... only, he was wearing the SAME cologne Gerard always wore. I was fully triggered. If I never have to smell Bleu de Chanel again, my fucking life will be complete. We pick up some veggies and walked around the store not standing too close to one another as it was a little awkward at first. I asked what he wanted and he replied with “Meat” I laughed and asked if he wanted mine or something specific. He kind of blushed and said he wanted steak. Honestly the idea of eating steak a second night in a row made me wish I had just laid down in traffic. Being the polite gentleman I am, I ask what he had in mind. He mentioned he loved getting a parmesan steak with garlic shrimp at Applebees. No worries, we grab all the stuff and head to the checkout. Cameron started winning points here. He split the bill with me 50/50 and I started to think that maybe he would be a good match after all. I was getting desperately sick of giving twinks handouts like I was fucking Daddy Warbucks and every skinny little gay boy was Annie. We exit the store and I follow Cameron back to his house. We immediately get to the kitchen and I start prepping and getting everything ready. It started to become abundantly clear to me that Cameron actually didn’t cook much, as he had little to nothing to cook with. “Fun! It’ll be like camping!” I say with a grain of shade. I have to explain this, when I’m looking for a potential friend, I’m looking for someone who can take the shade and deal it back just as good. Cameron didn’t disappoint. “Shut up, cunt!” he said laughing. As I started cooking Cameron got out a bottle of wine... it was a moscato. Now, not to be snobbish, but I was educated in food and wine so the idea of pairing a moscato with steak sounded about as good as douching with taco bell hot sauce. I politely tried to explain to Cameron that a red would be better and then started to explain why. He nodded and went back to his pantry and got out a bottle of red. I apologized for being so pushy about the pairing and he just replied with “No, I think it’s hot.” I smiled and returned to my pan. Things were starting to come together and Cameron and I got to know each other pretty decently. He seemed like he would make a good friend I thought to myself, but he was also starting to put the moves on me with each sip of his glass of red wine. The food is almost ready and at this point I’m sweating my ass off getting everything ready. I was so focused on making everything perfect that I hadn’t noticed how seductively Cameron was staring at me. I’ll admit in that moment I thought “Fuck he’s hot”. I plated our food and we started to eat. I had a couple sips of the red wine he got out and it was feral. It tasted like coffee grains and toe jam. Halfway through, Cameron started to get a little tipsy, and he made a bit of a quick move and knocked his plate on the ground. It shattered into several pieces and his steak was just half eaten on the ground. I made a joke and said “If you didn’t want to eat it, you could have just told me.” Cameron got flustered and I don’t think he knew I was kidding. He reached down and picked up the steak from the floor and started munching on it. “Five second rule” he said... I laughed but cringed at the same time. Then again, it was his house, so he had a better idea of how clean his floors were than I did. After we cleaned up the broken plate and did the dishes we broke into the moscato and kept talking some more. Because I thought we would be friends I started to talk about Gerard and that whole situation. The wine we kept downing didn’t help. Cameron was extremely sympathetic and kept rubbing my leg as we sat side by side on the couch. He kept saying “Aweee booboo... what a cunt. His loss, you’re amazing.”  He made me feel really good with his reassurances. It was starting to get late and I wasn’t really in a state to drive so Cameron said I could stay the night. I agreed and asked if I could shower real quick--I was feeling musty after busting my ass in the kitchen. He showed me where his bathroom was and gave me a towel. I quickly showered and got dressed and came back out to join him on the couch. He said he was going to shower too and I paid no attention to it. I just thought we were starting to wind down and get ready to watch something on tv and fall asleep. I chill on my phone texting away and heard the door to Cameron’s bathroom open. I look up and Cameron exits the bathroom totally naked. He gives me a smirk and beckons me to follow him to his bedroom. At first I sat there for a few minutes shocked... was he kidding? I’ve had suggestive and playful friends before. I sat there for thirty seconds then decided to get up and follow him, he looked damn fine with his wet tanned skin and messy dark hair. Once in his room I got an even better look at him. He was insanely attractive, there was no way I was going to be able to resist him. We started to make out and he started to undress me. He got down on his knees and undid my belt, whipping my dick out. I was already hard and he started to give me head. He was deep throating the shit out of it, making a couple gag noises here and there but it was still hot. After a few minutes he went over and laid down on his bed and raised his ass in the air. OH. He wanted me eat his ass... I had only ate ass once before and that was right after Gerard showered. Since I knew Cameron had just showered I figured he was probably all clean so I didn’t hesitate. I played around with my tongue sticking it in and out and Cameron moaned with pleasure. It wasn’t bad at all, he was totally clean and if anything he tasted a little soapy. He then laid on his back and reached into his bedside table and pulled out a bottle of lube and some condoms. “We probably shouldn’t do this since I haven’t prepared but honestly I just want you inside of me.” Cameron was slapping his hole and moaning. Thinking back it’s kind of funny but at the time it really turned me on. I put the condom on and entered him slowly--he was pretty tight. I started off gently as we kissed and I once I was sure he was comfortable I worked up into a faster pace. Soon his bed was smacking against the wall and we were enjoying ourselves. Cameron was moaning “Fuck.... yeah daddy.... daaadddyyy” ... I kind of hated it. I don’t like being called daddy to be honest, but I found his moaning incredibly hot. Cameron started shaking and I knew he was close. He hadn’t touched his dick the entire time and he kept asking me if I was close. Once I told him I was, he started to jerk off and came in no time. I came shortly after and laid down next to him after. We were both a little out of breath. He reached over and took the condom off of my dick and held it up to the light. “Oh good, I didn’t paint you” I laughed my ass off. We both went back into the shower to rinse off and headed back to his room to cuddle. He was out in no time. I wish I could say the same for me. Cameron snored SO fucking loud that I’m sure even the fucking ghosts in Pompeii thought the volcano was gonna burst again. I mean, I could fucking feel his whole bed vibrating. I slept like shit. As soon as the sun came up I woke up him gently and told him I had to get going. I didn’t want to leave in the middle of the night or when he was asleep. We gave each other a little kiss and I headed out the door. On my way home something in me kept questioning if I could or had developed some feelings for Cameron even if they were small or beginning to blossom. He was really kind, and super attractive... but was I ready to put that kind of foot forward? I had so much on my mind. I had all these cute, kind men fawning over me and treating me so well, even through menial conversation and hookups. I was never treated like this with Gerard. I felt like the fucking Bachelorette or Tiffany Pollard in I Love New York when she stares at her wall of men and starts to ponder which one she’s going to have to choose to eliminate. Maybe it’s selfish, but I didn’t want to have to eliminate any of the guys I was talking to. I was really enjoying getting to know some of them. Maybe eventually one of them will start to look like a front runner, but for now, everyone gets a rose.