#posting this early bc I might not be active this weekend

[jetii]

Event Horizon

Chapter Four: Point of No Return

Chapter WC: 5,641

Chapter Warnings: Blood/wounds, death, canon-typical violence

A/N: This is where I give the disclaimer that this fic is an amalgamation of canon, my favorite parts of legends, and my own headcanon with little regard for continuity. There will be lines directly taken from source material, and there will be things that are wildly different bc I truly cannot be bothered to watch the same scenes ten times.

With that being said, here's my favorite chapter yet. 💙

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Geonosis, 22 BBY

You never told anyone what happened that night.

Not the Council, not the Temple healers, and certainly not Obi-Wan.

No one knows about the burns, or the box, or the Sith. No one knows how close you came to death.

All they know is that you were missing, and that, for two days, you were nowhere to be found. They'd searched the entire Temple and scoured the streets, but there was no sign of you. When you'd finally returned, exhausted and shaken, no one had asked questions.

They'd chalked it up to stress, and grief, and trauma, and decided to leave you be. After all, it wasn't the first time someone had gone off on their own. It wasn't even the first time you had disappeared.

It had become a habit of yours, to run away when things got hard. When the Council's demands became too much, or your duties seemed pointless, or when you just needed to get away from the constant pressure and scrutiny.

You were a rebel, a free spirit, a troublemaker, and everyone knew it. So when you'd gone missing, and the search parties had turned up empty, no one had been surprised. They'd all assumed that you'd run off again, and that you'd eventually come back when you were ready.

No one had bothered to ask where you'd gone or why. No one had asked if you were alright. No one had tried to comfort you or offer you support. No one had even noticed how quiet you'd become, how distant.

They hadn't even noticed the necklace you were wearing, the one you'd taken from the box. You'd kept it hidden, tucked under your clothes, and no one had known it was there. It was the only tangible proof you had, the only evidence, and you were determined to keep it close. 

You'd been tempted, so tempted, to tell the Council about what had happened, about what you'd seen. But you knew they'd never believe you, and you knew they'd never accept your story, not without more evidence. And your fear that they would lock you away on the Citadel once they found out what had happened, and the power you had, was too great.

You had a mission now, a purpose, and the only way you'd achieve it was by remaining free. You had to keep training, had to get stronger, had to learn everything you could. You had to keep Obi-Wan from getting involved, and you had to figure out a way to track down the Sith who'd killed Yaddle.

But mostly, you had to make sure the Council didn't find out.

So you'd kept it all to yourself and tried to pretend like nothing had changed. For the most part, you were successful. Obi-Wan had sensed the shift, and had known something was wrong, but you'd been able to brush off his concerns and his curiosity. He'd been busy too, with Anakin, and he had little time to spare for your problems, as he had made abundantly clear. The Council was preoccupied with the civil unrest throughout the galaxy and then the looming Separatist threat. For the most part, you were free to throw yourself into your studies, spending hours in the Archives, researching everything you could about the Sith.

You'd spent weeks searching, but you'd never found anything useful, and you'd always ended up frustrated and disappointed, and with no leads. Vayel didn't exist, and there was no record of his friend, or of the apartment, or of the attack. It was as if the whole thing had been erased, and no one remembered.

No one except for you.

In the years that followed, the Council sent you on several missions, and you'd managed to keep your feelings in check. You followed orders, and you did what was expected of you. You were polite, and professional, and you did everything by the book. But the memories haunted you, and the nightmares plagued you, and the anger lingered, simmering beneath the surface.

No matter how hard you tried, no matter how far you went, the memories of that night, and the anger, and the hatred, were always with you. They were a part of you, and you knew deep down that nothing would ever change that.

And, no matter how much time passed, and how many missions you completed, you never stopped looking. You never gave up hope. You'd made a promise, and you intended to keep it. It didn't matter that you were no closer to the truth now than you were when it had happened. It didn't matter that the trail was cold, and the evidence was gone, and the answers were elusive.

You were going to find the Sith, and you were going to make him pay. No matter what it took.

But for now, there are more pressing matters to attend to.

You hold fast to the handle of the shuttle as it jolts to the side, trying to keep your balance. You nearly fall into Master Windu standing beside you, his expression one of grim determination. He doesn’t look at you, his hard eyes staring out into the sand-streaked surface of Geonosis, fixed on the arena that drew closer with each passing second.

The arena is a vast, open-air structure, rising up from the sands of the planet's desert. The walls, arches pillars could easily be mistaken for natural formations if not for the rows of seats carved into the sides. The sun shone down, bathing the arena in a harsh glow and casting long shadows across the ground.

Master Windu glances over at you, his gaze assessing. You stand beside him, your hand gripping the handle of one of your lightsabers, the cool metal a reassuring weight in your palm. The other Jedi are spread out around you, each of them tense and ready, their eyes fixed on the arena ahead.

You feel the tension in the air, and the apprehension, but you keep your expression calm and impassive. Obi-Wan is down there, along with Anakin and the Senator, and while your relationship is still strained, the idea of losing him is too painful to even consider.

Obi-Wan is down there, and the last words you spoke were in anger. You haven't seen him in months, and your conversations have been brief and terse, but now, he's here, in danger, and you have a chance to fix things, to make amends. You're going to get him out of there, and then you're going to tell him everything.

No more secrets, no more hiding.

If you get out of this alive, that is.

You take a deep breath and try to clear your mind. You can't afford to let your emotions get the better of you. Not now, not when the fate of the Republic hangs in the balance. Not when Master — no, Count Dooku is down there.

Count Dooku.

You still can't believe it.

How could the former Jedi Master, a respected member of the Council, the man who trained Qui-Gon, have betrayed the Republic? How could he have turned his back on the Order, on his friends and colleagues? It doesn't make any sense.

You'd had your suspicions, but you'd never imagined he was capable of such treachery. You'd always admired him, and he'd always been kind to you in the few interactions you’d had, if distant. But now, you are faced with the reality of the situation, and you have no choice but to accept the truth.

Dooku has fallen, and you can’t help but think it must be the work of the Sith, the one who killed Yaddle. If only the Council had listened, if only they had believed you, maybe all this could have been avoided.

"Ready?" Master Windu asks, drawing you from your thoughts.

The strange calm you'd felt that day outside the Temple falls over you again, and you nod.

"As ready as I'll ever be, Master," you reply, and he smiles. It's barely a twitch of his lips, but it's there, and it's reassuring.

Mace turns back to the window, his gaze hardening. The arena is approaching rapidly, and as you draw closer, the sounds of the crowd reach you, a thunderous roar that reverberates through the shuttle's hull. The cheering and screaming are almost deafening, and you have to resist the urge to cover your ears.

Your jaw clenches, and the muscles in your neck tighten. You can't help but be a little intimidated by the size of the crowd, and the violence of their reaction. You've never seen brutality like this, not even during your time in the Outer Rim.

Master Windu, for his part, seems unfazed. His eyes scan the arena, and his expression is unreadable. The shuttle lurches to the side again, but he doesn't flinch. He's steady, and composed, and you're envious of his ability to remain calm.

You grip the handle of your lightsaber tighter and try to ignore the churning in your stomach. Steadying yourself, you take a breath, your gaze moving to the arena below. There's no turning back now. There was no room for error, not here.

The infiltration team has already cleared a path through the underground tunnels, and the entrance has been blasted open, allowing your squad easy entry into the arena. The shuttle drops down, the landing gear extending and the engines slowing to a dull hum. You step out, and the wind whips your hair around your face, stinging your eyes and making them water. 

Master Windu gives the orders to wait for his signal, and then he split off, heading upward while the rest of you move deeper into the arena. The sounds of the crowd fade away, and the shadows envelope you as you made your way through the maze of corridors. Your footsteps are soft and careful, and the only sound is the whisper of the wind and the occasional chitter of something in the darkness.

There's a stillness to the air, and a tension, and you can't shake the feeling that you're being watched. At your back, Master Luminara and her new Padawan, Barriss, move in silence, their robes billowing around them. Master Shaak Ti leads the way, her steps confident and sure, and you follow, keeping your focus on the path ahead.

The corridor curves and then splits, and you take the left-hand tunnel while another group diverges to the right. You have no idea what to expect when you finally emerge from the depths, but when you do, the sight before you is like something out of a nightmare.

The arena is huge and filled with thousands of Geonosian spectators. The stands are packed, and the crowd is roaring, their bloodlust evident. The air is thick with the smell of sweat and death, and the heat from the sun is stifling. From your vantage point, you can see directly into the middle of the arena, and the sight is both horrifying and awe-inspiring.

Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Senator Amidala are in the middle of the sand pit, fighting for their lives against a three massive creatures. They’ve at least managed to break free from the chains that had undoubtedly tied them to the posts, but they are still vastly overpowered.

You nearly charge forward, but you’re held back by a hand on your shoulder.

"Patience," Master Shaak-Ti says, her voice low.

"I have to help them," you whisper back urgently.

"Not yet," she replies. “We must wait for the signal."

You want to protest, but you know she's right. The others are counting on you to be patient, and to follow the plan. If you don't, you could endanger the entire mission. After all, the Council is still holding onto hope that Dooku would surrender himself, and there is a chance that this could end peacefully. You are not so optimistic.

That would be the ideal outcome. It would mean less lives lost, and it would put a stop to the war that's been brewing over these last ten years. But the chances are slim, and the reality was that, more likely than not, this will end in bloodshed.

"Be prepared," Master Shaak-Ti whispers, and you nod.

The fight in the middle of the arena is reaching a fever pitch, and the crowd is screaming in approval. You're not used to this kind of violence, and you're not sure if you'll ever be. It's a brutal, savage battle, the three beasts fighting with a ferocity that takes your breath away. You can't imagine how the Jedi, or the Senator, are still standing.

Anakin has managed to charm one of the creatures, a hulking reek, and he and Padme have mounted it, using its strength and size to their advantage. Obi-Wan is forced to join them after a hasty retreat from an acklay, who had shaken off the static pike in its neck as if it were nothing.

They're doing their best, but the odds are stacked against them, and every second that ticks by is another chance for things to go wrong.

You watch with bated breath as a number of droids roll out from the tunnel, the likes of which you’ve never seen before. You cast a glance to your right and left to see your fellow Jedi are equally as shocked, their expressions a mixture of fear and surprise.

You know what they're thinking, and you can't blame them. The droids are unlike anything you've ever seen, their movements smooth and efficient, their weapons deadly. They surround the trio in the center of the arena, and your hands inch toward your waist.

"Not yet," Master Shaak-Ti cautions, her eyes narrowing.

You hold back a growl of frustration, and your hands curl into fists. You want to act, to do something, anything, but you have to wait. It's infuriating, but you have no choice.

It's a tense few moments, the Jedi surrounding you frozen in place. You watch as Obi-Wan, Padme, and Anakin exchange a few words, their expressions grim. Up on a balcony in the distance, you see a flash of Master Windu's purple saber, and the dark figure of Dooku.

You stare up at the man that was once a friend to your Master, a cold fury welling up within you. The Force surges around him, his power and corruption palpable even from this distance. You clench your jaw and take a deep breath, willing yourself to remain calm. 

You cannot know for sure that he had a hand in Yaddle's death, cannot know if he was the one responsible for the box, or the holoprojector, or the attack on you. But the mere thought of him, of the darkness that surrounds him, is enough to make your blood boil. If this all goes to plan, and you capture him alive, there will be answers, and the justice the Council so vehemently denied you.

Dooku looks over, his gaze sweeping the arena before stopping abruptly in your direction. From this distance, there’s no way he could see you, but his eyes seem to lock onto yours, and you can almost feel the weight of his stare.

And then he turns away, and he raises a hand.

A horn sounds, and the droids move, advancing toward the Jedi in the center of the arena.

It's time.

You ignite your lightsabers, the gold blades humming to life, and the others follow suit. The sound is a welcome one, the familiar thrum of energy a comfort in the chaos.

You charge forward, the other Jedi at your heels, and the droids turn and fire on you. You slice your way through the ones closest to you, their bodies falling to the ground, sparking and smoking. The noise, the smell, the heat, and the dust, are all-consuming as you carve a path towards the center. Around you, the other Jedi are engaged in their own battles, their lightsabers a blur of motion as they cut down the droids. They're outnumbered, but they're fierce and determined, and the droids are no match for their skill.

You focus on the fight, pushing all thoughts of revenge and the past aside. The anger is still there, simmering beneath the surface, but you channel it, using it to fuel your actions. Your blades sing as they cleave through metal and wiring, the droids falling one by one.

“Obi-Wan!” you shout, leaping over a pile of fallen droids and rushing toward the center of the arena.

He turns, his face covered in sweat and dirt, and his eyes widen as he sees you. You deactivate your shoto and throw it to him, and he catches it deftly, slicing through his bindings and Anakin’s. The two of you rush into the fray, cutting down droids as you go.

"Are you okay?" you ask, deflecting a blast and decapitating a battle droid.

"I'm fine," he replies, a note of irritation in his voice.

"Are you sure?" you press. You dodge a shot aimed at your head and kick a droid into the path of another, knocking them both over.

"Yes,” Obi-Wan snaps. He slices through another droid and looks over at you, his expression grim. "Now stop worrying about me and focus."

As much as you want to argue, you know he's right. There will be time for talking later, once the mission is complete and the battle is won.

But it isn’t so simple. For every droid you cut down, ten more take its place. It's a seemingly endless barrage of metal and blasterfire, and the smell of melted plastoid and charred circuits is overwhelming. All around you, your fellow Jedi are falling, their bodies lying crumpled on the ground, their robes torn and charred.

You fight harder, your movements fluid and precise, and your blades singing as they cut through the air. Obi-Wan remains at your side, and the two of you work in tandem, covering each other's backs and working to keep the droids at bay. But even your skills combined can't hold off the relentless tide of droids, and you feel a wave of despair wash over you.

You're going to lose this fight.

You're going to fail.

You're going to die.

A shot hits you in the shoulder, and you stumble, your arm going numb. You grit your teeth, shaking out your hand, and you keep fighting, but the wound is starting to slow you down.

You're bleeding, the pain searing and sharp, and your movements are becoming sluggish. You back up, trying to keep the droids at bay, but there are too many, and before you can react, you're both surrounded.

Obi-Wan stands back-to-back with you, and you can feel the tension in his shoulders, the exhaustion and the pain, as the droids press you further back toward the center of the arena.

It's hopeless, and you know it, but you don't give up. You won't, not until your last breath.

"Get back," Obi-Wan orders, his voice tight.

"No," you reply, stubbornly.

"I won't lose you too.”

"We're in this together," you insist, deflecting a blast and severing a droid's arm. 

Obi-Wan turns to face you, his eyes wide. “For once in your life, listen to me!" 

There's a desperation in his voice that makes you stop. You can see the panic in his eyes, and the concern, and something inside you breaks. He's afraid. Not for himself, but for you. And the realization sends a wave of shame through you.

You hesitate, and the droids take advantage, closing in around you. You look up at the sky, the sun beating down on you, and the sound of blasterfire and the screams of the crowd ringing in your ears. You're not going to die like this, not here, not today. Not before you've had a chance to make things right.

"No," you shout back. "We're not going to give up."

But the other Jedi have stopped fighting. Their weapons lowered, and their heads bowed. You watch in horror as you’re completely surrounded, the circle of droids growing tighter.

Obi-Wan grabs your arm, his grip tight, and he pulls you close, his body shielding yours. He holds your shoto, his fingers white with the effort, and you can see the resignation in his eyes.

He's giving up.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, his voice trembling.

"Don't," you plead. "Don't apologize. We can't give up, not now."

Your pleas fall on deaf ears, and as the droids raise their blasters, you can only watch and wait. You're tired, and the wound in your shoulder is starting to make it difficult to move, the pain getting worse by the second. 

You look down and see the body of a  Padawan lying beside you, their lifeless eyes staring up into the sky. You can't help but think of all the others, and the friends you've lost, and the lives that have been taken.

You think of Qui-Gon, and Yaddle, and all the Jedi who have fallen in pursuit of something better. You think of the Senate, and the politicians, and the bureaucrats, and their indifference, their arrogance. You think of the Council, and their coldness, their unwillingness to help until it came to this.

You're surrounded by death, and destruction, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

The hundreds of droids have surrounded what few remain. What was once a group of two hundred strong is now little more than few handfuls of survivors, your blades wavering as you wait for the order to come down from the stands to fire. For now, you remain still, the anger and despair swirling in your gut, the frustration at the futility of it all threatening to overwhelm you.

You look down at your left hand, tracing the lines of the burns that have never faded with your eyes, a reminder of how close you came. Of your failure. Of the power you failed to grasp.

You've had enough.

You look around at the remaining Jedi, your gaze taking in their wounded, bloodied forms. Your eyes meet Obi-Wan's, and you see the same weariness, the same anger, the same pain that you're feeling.

“It’s over,” he says, his voice heavy with sorrow.

"No," you snap, the word coming out louder than you intended. "It's not.”

Just as you begin to raise your hand, several shadows loom overhead.

"Look!" you can hear the Senator shout behind you. You shield your eyes against the sun, but it does little to lessen the intensity.

A fleet of gunships have appeared, their engines roaring as they race toward the arena. The droids are thrown into confusion, their ranks breaking as they scatter, trying to avoid the incoming barrage of laser fire. You catch sight of Master Yoda among a group of soldiers hanging from the sides of the ships, their guns firing furiously at the droids, white armor glinting in the sunlight.

There's a flicker of hope in your chest, and you tighten your grip on your lightsaber, determination flooding your veins. You can still win this. You have to.

The gunships land, their engines whirring as the soldiers disembark, their blasters firing as they charge toward the droids. The battle is renewed, the noise and the chaos almost deafening. You ignore Obi-Wan's attempts to herd you to the ship, just as you ignore the searing pain in your shoulder.

This isn't over.

You charge forward, cutting a path through the droids, the Force singing in your veins. You move with a ferocity and speed that you didn't know you were capable of, the lightsaber in your hand an extension of yourself, a weapon that feels as natural and familiar as breathing.

Around you, the soldiers are pushing the droids back, their sheer numbers and training proving an advantage in the enclosed space of the arena. The other Jedi are helping, their lightsabers flashing in the sun as they slice through the droids, the sounds of the battle echoing across the stands.

You carve through the metal and wires and circuits, and the smell of scorched plastoid and hot metal is thick in the air. You're covered in sweat and blood, your clothes are torn, and your body is bruised and battered, but you're not going to give up. You push yourself harder, your lightsaber flashing as you cut down the droids that try to block your path. Your feet barely touch the ground, your movements fluid and graceful, and your blade leaves trails of glowing red and blue in its wake.

You are a whirlwind of destruction, a maelstrom of anger and power, and the droids have no chance.

A droid manages to get a shot past your defenses and clips your injured shoulder, and the pain is blinding. You falter, falling to your knees, and the lightsaber slips from your grasp, landing on the sand beside you. You barely avoid another bolt and roll, landing flat on your back.

You look up at the droids, your eyes filled with hatred, and a low growl escapes your lips. Your hands are clenched into fists, and your chest is heaving, and you can feel the Force gathering around you, the power singing in your veins.

A shot sings through the head of the droid aiming at you, and when it falls, you see a trooper standing over you, his helmet obscuring his face. 

Mace had informed you on the way to Geonosis of Master Yoda's mission. That he’d left to herald the army of clones that awaited on Kamino, only just discovered by Obi-Wan himself, and brought forth to defend the Republic. But seeing one up close, his pristine armor a stark contrast to the battered, dirty state you were in, was something else entirely.

There are a few moments of hesitation as you stare up at the blank face of your savior, your chest heaving. His helmet tilts, the visor glinting in the sunlight, and you can see yourself reflected in its surface. The sight of you, bloody and surrounded by carnage, is jarring, and you quickly avert your eyes.

"Sir," the clone says, his voice modulated and rough. He holsters one of his blaster pistols to hold a gloved hand out to you. "Need a hand?"

"No," you hiss, pushing yourself up.

"Yes, I can see that," he replies, a hint of amusement in his voice. He turns and shoots a droid in the chest, the metal melting as the bolt hits its mark.

You ignore him and force yourself to your feet, your fists flying. You hit the nearest droid with enough force to send it careening into the one next to it, and then kick a third in the chest, sending it staggering back. The clone fires his blaster at the two fallen droids and then turns back to you as you call your lightsaber back into your hand.

"I had it under control," you say, spinning around to face him.

He shakes his head, and the movement is so familiar, so human, you can't help but stop and stare.

"No, sir, you didn't," he replies, his tone exasperated.

"I'm perfectly capable of handling myself, thank you," you retort.

"Yes, sir," he says. It's impossible to read his expression, but you can tell he's not convinced.

Another shot comes flying towards you, and he pushes you out of the way, his hand firm on your back. He steps in front of you and raises his blaster, and the shot glances off his shoulder plate. He dodges to the side easily as your lightsaber hums past his head, taking out another droid.

"Who are you, anyway?" you ask, turning to look at him with scowl.

The clone seems unconcerned by your aggression, his calm demeanor a contradiction to the chaos around you. It's almost infuriating, and you grit your teeth.

"CT-7567," he replies, not looking at you as he fires a few shots, taking down a line of droids.

"Your name is... Seven-Five-Six-Seven?"

"My brothers call me Rex, sir."

"Rex, then," you mutter, deflecting another barrage of blasterfire.

The clone nods, and then turns and fires his blaster at a droid that has been creeping up behind you. You duck out of the way, and the droid falls, its head blown apart.

"Thanks," you say, your voice begrudging.

"Any time, sir," he replies, and you get the feeling that he's smiling under that helmet.

You shake your head and charge forward back into the fray. You move with a speed and agility that is almost superhuman, your body a blur of movement. Your lightsaber hums through the air, and the droids fall like dominoes, their bodies crumpling to the ground. 

Rex follows close behind, and you’re amazed at the precision and efficiency with which he wields his blasters. He takes out droid after droid, his aim flawless and his timing impeccable. It's as if he can anticipate your movements, and he moves with an ease and fluidity that belies his armor. You move together, your bodies in sync, and the droids fall before you.

The tide has turned, and the battle is almost over. You can see the surviving Jedi regrouping, and the droids are in full retreat. But as your eyes turn to the stands and see no sign of Dooku, the victory feels hollow.

He's gone, along with your answers.

Your fists clench, and you can feel the anger bubbling up inside you. You want to scream, and tear the arena down, and burn it to the ground. You want to find Dooku and make him talk, to make him confess, to make him pay. You want justice, and vengeance, and a reckoning for all the wrongs that have been committed against you.

You whirl on Rex as the last of the droids falls to your blade.

“I need your help,” you tell him. His helmet tilts as he looks up at the stands, and he turns back to you, shaking his head.

"My orders are to bring you to the gunships, sir," Rex replies, his voice firm. “Not to assist you in your personal vendettas."

"What I'm asking could save countless lives," you retort, glaring at him.

"Or it could get us both killed," he counters. "You need a medic, and so do the others. My brothers can handle this. Trust me."

"Trust a soldier who follows orders without question?" you scoff.

"Trust someone who knows what they're doing," he replies.

For a moment, you think about protesting, but something about his demeanor makes you pause. There's a certainty to his voice, a confidence that you can't help but respect. As much as you don’t want to admit it, he’s right. You're injured, and exhausted, and you're not thinking clearly. 

You take a deep breath, and the anger recedes slightly, the tension in your body easing. You look around, and the battle is winding down. The droids are being rounded up, and the casualties are being tended to. With any luck, some of the others are already in pursuit of Dooku and the rest of the Separatist Council, and the last thing they needed was you slowing them down.

"Fine," you concede, reluctantly.

He gives you a short nod and leads you toward the nearest gunship. You both break out into a run, sand flying around you, and Rex covers you as you move. 

When you reach the ship, he ushers you inside, and you sit down heavily, the adrenaline leaving your body as quickly as it had come. You slump against the wall, the wound in your shoulder screaming. Rex gives you a once over before moving up to the cockpit.

"Let's go," Rex orders the pilot with two taps of his fist on the door. "We've got injured Jedi."

"Yes, sir," the pilot responds, and the gunship lifts off, the engines roaring.

The movement makes you dizzy, and you lean forward, resting your elbows on your knees. The clones are a whirlwind of activity around you, their movements efficient and controlled. You look through them and out the open doors to the battlefield below, your eyes widening.

The entire surface of the planet is covered in droids and clone soldiers. They're swarming across the sand, pockets of large machines and infantry fighting in the distance, and the sky is filled with gunships. You've never seen anything like it, and the scale is staggering and terrifying.

The doors close, casting the cabin in near darkness, and you let yourself fall back against the wall. Your head lolls, resting against the cool metal, your breath coming in short gasps. The wound in your shoulder is deep, and painful, and you can feel the blood soaking through your tunic.

You're lightheaded and nauseous, and the pain is making it hard to focus. You take a few deep breaths, trying to slow your heart rate, and the clones seem to have noticed. One drops to his knees beside you, the sound of the armor against the metal floor startling.

"Stay with me, sir," a trooper says, his hands pressed to your wound. You can't focus on his helmet, but his voice is gentle and concerned.

"She's lost a lot of blood," Rex says. A moment later, you feel him drop to his knees beside you, a hand on your good shoulder. You’re not sure how you know that it’s him, but you do.

"She'll make it," the first clone says, confidently. "Get the bacta ready."

"Right," Rex replies, and then he’s gone.

The pain is getting worse, and the edges of your vision are starting to go black. You can't fight it anymore, and as the darkness swallows you, the only thing you can feel is dread.

You’ve failed. And this is only just the beginning.

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[between-a-ship-and-a-hard-place]

Actively fighting the urge to start reading Spelling Out Desire bc if I start so early into you posting I just *know* I will be SO mf annoying

Two snippets and I already Am Certain it so good!!! So HOT!! Hot As Hell!!!!

(Hope you’re safe & well as always - don’t know why the algorithm has been hiding your stuff from my dash! Lots of love xxx)

Teesha! 🥰 (You know, I'm probably as impatient as anyone... but I really do need to stick to a schedule because editing is a lot.) And I am very flattered 😘 looking forward to hear your thoughts whenever you feel like diving in. On that topic, I might suggest starting when chapter 4 or 5 is posted *wink wink nudge nudge*

(I feel very out of the loop. But I am good. Had a mild snowstorm, read a silly romance novel = excellent weekend so far. Hope yours is good too, xxx)

[joneswuzhere]

hello join me in thinking about some books and authors that are, or might be, part of s5′s intertextuality

5.10 in particular offered specific shout outs, and also u know i’m always wondering what might be ahead so i have some ideas on that:

- first, as mentioned in a previous ask post, i know i wasn’t alone in keeping an eye out for 5.10 parallels to the lost weekend (1945) the film that gave episode 1.10 its name and several themes - or to the 1944 book by charles r jackson which the film is based on

- s5 has not been shy about revisiting earlier seasons, especially s1. altho i feel that 1.10′s parallels to the lost weekend centered characters other than jughead (mostly betty), a 1.10-5.10 connection involving jughead and themes from jackson’s story (addiction, writers block, self reflection) seemed v possible if not inevitable

- but like,, , for a hot minute after the ep, i was really stumped on understanding how anything from the book or film could apply, even tho the pieces were almost all there

- jackson’s protagonist don birnam goes thru and comes out the other side of a harrowing days-long drinking binge that could be compared to jughead’s one-night hallucinogenic writing retreat

- but jughead is struggling primarily with traumatic memories, not addiction and self control like birnam. and tho drinking activates birnam’s creativity, it paralyzes his writing as he gets lost in fantasies; he’s never published anything. jughead’s drug trip recreates circumstances that already helped him write one successful book. even the rat that startles him mid-high doesn’t line up with birnam’s withdrawal vision of a dying mouse, symbolic of his horror at his own self-destruction thru alcohol

- and maybe the most visible discordance: in the film there’s a romantic motif around a typewriter. first it’s an object of shame; birnam’s failure to write, tied up with his drinking, makes him flee his relationship. he tries to pawn the typewriter for booze money and finally a gun when shooting himself feels easier than getting sober. but with the help of relentless encouragement from girlfriend helen, he quits drinking, commits to her, and focuses on typing out the story he’s dreamt of writing. rd goes so far to avoid setting any comparable scenario that jughead has brought a wholeass printer into the bunker so there can still be a physical manuscript to cover in blood by the end, even without his own typewriter. the subtle detail of his laptop bg image is a little less noticeable than his avoidance of betty’s gift

- tabitha might be closer to a parallel than jughead is, but she’s still no helen. both refuse to take advantage of the inebriated men in their care, but birnam takes advantage of helen, financially and emotionally. jughead refused a loan from the tate family and now has resolved to deal with his shit before he considers a relationship with tabitha. instead of helen’s relentless and unwelcomed attempts to get birnam sober, tabitha reluctantly agrees to help jughead trip safely bondage escape notwithstanding. she even helps him get the drugs.

- whatever potentials exist for parallels to jackson’s story, they were not explored for this episode. ok so why tf am i even talking about this? what was there instead?

-  i have arrived at the point

- s5 has been revisiting s1, not directly but with a twist. and jughead’s agent samm pansky is back. u may recall, pansky is named for sam lansky

- jughead’s trip-thru-trauma is a story device tapped straight from lansky’s book ‘broken people’

- lansky is like if a millenial john rechy wrote extremely LA-flavored meta but just about himself no jk very like a modern successor to charles r jackson. both play with the boundary between memoir and fiction. lansky is gay; jackson wrote his lost weekend counterpart as closeted and remained closeted himself until only a few years before his death. both write with emotional clarity and self-scrutiny on the experiences of addiction, sobriety, and the surrounding issues of shame and self worth

- i feel like a fool bc after this ep i had been thinking about de quincey and his early writings on addiction (c.1800s), but i failed to carry the thought in the other direction, to contemporary writers in the genre, to make this connection sooner

- lansky’s second book, broken people, follows narrator ‘sam’, mid-20s, super depressed, hastled by his agent to write a decent follow-up to his first book, but too busy struggling with his self-worth and baggage from several past relationships. desperate, he takes up an offer to visit a new age shaman who promises to fix everything wrong with him in a matter of days. not to over simplify it but he literally spends a weekend doing psychedelics and hallucinating about his exes. jughead took note

- unless u want me to hurl myself into yet another dissertation about queer jughead, i think his parallel to sam - who, unlike jughead, has considerable financial privilege and whose anxieties center on body dysmorphia, hiv scares, and his own self-centeredness - pretty much ends there

- But,, the gist of the book could not be more harmonius with a major theme shared by the 2 films that inform the actual hallucination part of jughead’s bunker scene: mentally reframing past relationships to get closure + confronting trauma head-on in order to move forward

- so that’s neat. what other book and author stuff was in 5.10?

- stephen king and raymond carver get name dropped. i’m passingly familiar with them both but u bet i just skimmed their wiki bios in case anything relevant jumped out

- like jughead, carver was a student (later a lecturer) at the iowa writers workshop. also the son of an alcoholic and one himself

- i recall carver’s ‘what we talk about when we talk about love’ is what jughead was reading in 2.14 ‘the hills have eyes’ after he finds out about the first time betty kissed archie (at that time he does not respond as would any of carver’s characters)

- this collection of carver stories deals especially with infidelity, failings of communication, and the complexities and destructiveness of love. to unashamedly quote the resource that is course hero, ‘carver renders love as an experience that is inherently violent bc it produces psychic and emotional wounds.’ very fun to wonder about the significance of this collection within the s2 episode and in jughead’s thoughts. and maybe now in the context of the s5 state of relationships. or, at least, the state of jughead’s writing as seen by his agent

- anyway pansky doesn’t want carver, he wants stephen king

- i have too much to say about gerald’s game in 5.10, that’s getting its own post someday soon

- lol wait king’s wife is named tabitha uhhh king’s wiki reminded me of his childhood experience that possibly inspired his short story ‘the body’ (+1986 movie ‘stand by me’) when he ‘apparently witnessed one of his friends being struck and killed by a train tho he has no memory of the event’

- no mention of that in this rd episode but memories of a train could be interesting to consider with the imagery that intrudes on jughead’s hallucination. i still feel like it was a truck but the lights and sounds he experiences may be a train

- ok now we’re in the speculation part of today’s segment

- if jughead’s traumatic memory involves trains, then it’s possible this plot will take influence from la bête humaine <- this 1938 movie is based on the 1890 novel by french writer émile zola. this story deals with alcoholism and possessive jealousy in relationships, sometimes leading to murder. huh, kind of like carver. zola def comes down on the nature side of the nature-vs-nuture bad seed question (tho i should say he approaches this with great or maybe just v french compassion). also i can’t tell if this is me reaching but, something about la bête humaine reminds me of king’s ‘secret window’ which we’ve observed to be at least a style influence on jughead post time jump

- but wow a late-19th century french writer would be a random thing to drop into this season, right? then again zola also wrote about miners, which we’ve learned are an important part of this town’s history + whatever hiram is up to this time.  and most notably, zola wrote ‘j’accuse...!’ an open letter in defense of a soldier falsely accused and unlawfully jailed for treason: alfred dreyfus. archie’s recent army trouble comes to mind.

- since the introduction of old man dreyfuss (plausibly Just a nod to close encounters actor richard dreyfuss, but also when is anything in this show Just one thing) i’ve been wondering if these little things could add up to a season-long reference to zola’s writings. but i had doubts and didn’t want to speak on it too soon bc, u know, it’s weird but is it weird enough for riverdale??

- however,,,

- (come on, u knew where i was going with this)

- a24′s film zola just came out. absolutely no relation to the french writer, it’s not based on a book but an insane and explicit twitter thread by aziah ‘zola’ wells about stripping and? human trafficking?? this feels ripe for rd even outside the potentials here for the lonely highway/missing girls plot.

- that would add up to a combination of homage that feels natural to this show

- anyway pls understand i’m just having fun speculating, most of this is based on nothing more concrete than the torturous mental tendril ras has hooked into my skull pls let go ras pls let go

[poetrusicperry]

some writing

basically, these posts are just a lot of ideas and things i had in my head after reading all the details people gave me about themselves. they might seem pretty hectic and a bit long, but i hope i did ok and i hope you like them !! there is a ship, there are hcs, and a little blurb about the ship at the end. 

for the lovely @spchxy– thank you for the inspiration, ally !! <3

ship:

first of all, i feel super inclined to say that i think i’d ship you w todd. i’m not really sure why, but i can’t get that thought out of my head when reading all the details you shared about yourself (: you guys just seem like you’d be one of those cute, quiet couples that never needed to try hard to express how much you both cared for each other; you both just sort of knew and thoroughly enjoyed the other’s company.

hc:

somehow i feel you’d be able to bond with neil over cats ? like both of you would just adore them, and you’d even find a stray around campus that you would take turns feeding every night, sneaking something out of the dining hall.

charlie is either a complete morning person or he sleeps in til 12 (usually on weekends), but when he gets up at the crack of dawn just because, he’ll come bother you to come hang out with him on the grounds or something, which you’d only allow because he’d somehow sneak a mug of coffee for you from the kitchen.

you and charlie both had a habit of drinking way too much coffee during night study groups, which led to you two staying up into all hours of the night just talking or sneaking out and exploring the town around campus.

during your time at welton, you had successfully stolen at least one sweater from each of the boys, and they all noticed, but the only ones who ever mentioned it to you were knox and neil. todd noticed, too, but with his painfully obvious soft spot for you, he never minded.

you pretty much did charlie’s hw for him the entirety of senior year, as his senioritis had reached a level that not even meeks could pull him out of LOL

lots of movies w the poets and pitts had a huge stash of popcorn that you guys quickly depleted throughout the year (even warranting a trip to the grocery store to buy more halfway through the year lol).

if you were ever feeling bad, todd would want to be there for you, but he never really knew why, so he would just hang around you and lay with you (after asking you if that was okay, and confirming multiple times that it was ok [we love a gentleman]). you found that just fine, too. somehow just being in todd’s presence was enough to ease whatever mental or physical discomfort you were in.

on graduation day, neil gifted you his green sweater™ stating, “it has served its purpose for me for the past four years, and i know how much you love it” when you asked him if he was sure you could have it.

todd gifted you a handful of various russian books (that he had read and annotated previously just to have things to talk about with you (‘: ), and were very obviously wrapped by todd himself in newspaper. also got you a stationery set so you would write to him when you both were away at college (what’s funny is that you got him one, too, for the exact same reason, but you both were going to write anyway).

charlie made you both matching keychains that included a flashlight and compass (claiming that you’d need both when you decided to go on late night adventures in college). he also stole you one of the mugs from the kitchen to take with you to college (:

knox would give you the rest of his welton sweaters, as he decided he needed more room in his closet for his college merch, and he knew just how much you loved to take them anyway.

blurb:

as nice as the days around campus were, night was even better, and early mornings exceeded both. there was something about being the first one awake, or being able to take in the dawn’s silence fully; no bustling cars, no shouting students, just a pleasant lack of life’s general soundtrack. often, you would find yourself sitting up on the roof of welton before the clock even read 5:30a.m. with your copy of dr. zhivago (or whichever russian author whose book you had chosen to invest yourself in that week) and a plain mug of hot coffee from the cafeteria in tow, you would make your way up to the roof, always completely unsurprised upon finding todd up there as well.

it was your first year at welton after transferring from a different private school in vermont, but in your short time there so far, you had somehow been introduced to a painfully shy boy, todd anderson, who sat next to her in chemistry. on the first day of classes, todd had accidentally knocked your notebook off the desk by bumping into it on his way to sit down, which he almost immediately apologized for, stuttering the entire way through his sentiment. since then, however, after you'd sworn up and down that it wasn’t a big deal, they became pretty comfortable being seat buddies. as the weeks went on, and the air cooled slightly, you found todd talking to you more (or at least making an effort– sometimes he would just get too nervous or shy). apparently, as you had found out later, neil had been goading todd to talk to you for a really long time, and giving him tips. nothing was ever labeled or officially set that you two were dating, but it was pretty evident to everyone around you that you two shared a way more special bond than just chemistry deskmates. you two spent a lot of time together, filled with lots of literary talk, or just enjoying each other’s company while working on other things or, pretty often, you would also just sit in silence leaning into each other while hanging out with the other poets.

on this particular morning, though, todd just wanted your company, so he sat with you while you read (after a sleepy sounding “good morning, ally. y-you look cute in that sweater” [which was his bc you stole it]), admiring the way your eyes scanned the pages and how every once in a while you’d re-read a section a couple of times, marking it for future analysis (let’s be honest, he’d be completely enamored with you no matter the time of day or activity). when it got closer to 7a.m., he’d nudge you a little and you two would descend back to the dorms talking about the previous night, get ready for the day, and have breakfast together with the poets.

overall, you and todd would just be such a cute, pure couple enjoying the small things, drinking copious amounts of coffee and tea, sharing sweatshirts, discussing books, telling todd all about your love for cats, and creating a really nice communicative atmosphere in your relationship (:

[bagelbitch666]

Thanks for tagging me @clandestinemeetingsinthetrees - this is so exciting!

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs (that I will never reach) you are contractually obligated to get to know better.

Name: Emilee

Gender: Female

Star sign: i had to ask my sister bc astrology is cool but it is confusing and shes better at it than me lol; capricorn sun, sagittarius moon, taurus rising

Height: 5′3

Time: 11:15 PM (EST)

Birthday: December 28

Favorite bands: oof The Doors, Pinegrove, Vampire Weekend, Arctic Monkeys, Mazzy Star, Joyce Manor, Fleetwood Mac, brockhampton, Gorillaz, too many more lmao

Favorite solo artists: Father John Misty, Mitski, Harry Styles, billy joel, there’s more i just can’t think

Last movie: I watched Easy A with my dog last night lol

Last show: I just pulled an all nighter to binge bridgerton a night or two ago and I both hated and loved it

When did i create this blog?: about a month ago? I started a new one to get more involved in the zk community and my old blog originated from my 2011 ish one direction phase and has not been in use for a few years now

What I post: For the most part ATLA content (zutara centered) some general ranting, and fanfiction related stuff. I’m trying to keep it to that lol

Last thing i googled: ngl something about my dog bc she hasn’t been feeling good tonight, I was nervous that I might have to take her to the vet but I think I webmd diagnosed her so I’m gonna play it by ear bc I honestly think she just ate her dinner too quickly lol.

Other blogs: I have my old blog that I used from like 2011-now, and I definitely had another earlier on from like 2009-10 ish

Do i get asks?: I’ve only had a few so far here, but its been really cool to get them - I used to love answering asks on my old blog but I haven’t been active in a couple of years

Why I chose my url: I used it as my pokemon go username forever ago and couldn’t think of something to use on the fly so i went with this lmao i honestly just think its funny

Following: 129

Followers: 26

Average hours of sleep: I have terrible insomnia so it really depends on the kind of day im having i can do 0-3, 5-7, or 9-12 lmao

Instruments: I played cello since I was a kid but haven’t been able to seriously play since high school - I really want to pick it back up again, and I play some bass but I practice every couple of months when i have enough wine lol

What am i wearing: A shirt I wore to work today, and joggers bc I couldn’t handle wearing my dress pants any longer after I got home.

Dream job(s): I’d love to make a living off of my writing one day, at one point I really wanted to say fuck it and be a screenwriter, but now I keep it as more of a hobby. I’d also more realistically like to work in publishing.  

Dream trip: I would love to go back to Italy - specifically the Amalfi coast because that is where my family is from. I got to spend a few days in Sorrento where my great great grandparents lived when I graduated high school. If anything I’d like to live there lol i want to explore the area a bit more - we stopped at pompeii and capri and I wish I could spend some more time there

Favorite food: ive been obsessed with grilled cheese and tomato soup recently - its been a struggle meal but a good one

Nationality: American

Favorite song: Ah this changes so much but I’d say either Aphasia or Darkess by Pinegrove. Those two have been stuck in my head since early fall and I cant get them to go away lol

Last book i read: I think it’s probably twilight tbh a month or two ago I was going to try to reread them all before I read midnight sun and have yet to finish the rest bc of school - might pick it back up on vacation next week

Top 3 fictional universes I’d like to live in: atla, percy jackson, and in general i wish I existed on the same plane as a main character in a jane austen novel

Tagging: @sukkadeservedbetter, @lordmomohismomoness @gemgirl28, @silversandwichbites

[cirilee]

i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat  and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him  to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the  thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up.  now i'm thinking: What is so  important, that he has to call me during work.  there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared  so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay  and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

[gallavictorious]

hii, so I was rewatching season 7 and season 8 and do you think ian was having a manic episode by the end of season 8 when he blows up the van or do you think it was all part of his gay jesus act? it's most likely that mickey leaving for Mexico and Monica's death had a impact on him bc he had two people he cares leaving him at once, and maybe he was ok but I don't think he was at all since this led up to these, even if trevor did encourage him to be gay jesus.

Hi there, nonnie! Hope you’re having a lovely weekend!

I'd certainly say Ian was having a manic episode by the end of season 8, but it is a little ambigious. Several of the other characters ask whether he's on his meds or not, but we are not given a clear answer. In 9x05 Ian claims to have been off his meds, but we don't really know if that's actually the truth or just what he needs to say for a lighter sentence. However, I did once read a post where someone – and I can't for the life of me remember who, so please remind me if you know – pointed out that we see Ian take his meds during his morning routine early in season 8 and then see him go through the same routine without taking his meds later on, which is a pretty unequivocal sign that he is indeed off them. (Please note that I've only watched season 8 once and haven't gone back to double check this, so I don't actually know if this is correct or not. If anyone can confirm I'd be delighted.)

Now, the fact that he is off his meds doesn't necessarily mean he went through a manic episode (and him taking them doesn't fully guarantee he won't go into one either), but if we look at his behaviour it really doesn't seem like he was ”ok”. Whether he's off his meds or not, whether he's experiencing a manic episode or not, his actions and the way he throws himself into the Gay Jesus stuff very clearly suggest – to me, at least – that he's actively and rather desperately trying to find some purpose and meaning, some excitement, to make up for what he gave up when he gave up Mickey at the border.

As you write, losing both Mickey and Monica at the same time, had a huge impact on him, and mixed with that grief is the impossibility of returning to life as it had been before Ian ran off with Mickey: as I've argued before, being back with Mickey hopelessly exposed the lie Ian had been telling himself and others and had built his new life upon (i.e. that his and Mickey's relationship hadn't been really real, that they weren't good for each other, that Ian was just as happy with Caleb or Trevor, that Mickey didn't thrill and fulfill him in a way no one else could). It's probably more than enough to trigger a manic episode – and probably more than enough to convince Ian to stop taking his meds, because he urgently wants to feel something that isn't the numbing loss of both his mother and his love. (And as I've said before, I really, really wish that the deleted Lip and Ian scene from 7x12 had stayed in, because it showcases Ian's unhappiness and uncertainity regarding what happened in 7x11 in a way that really sets the stage for what happens in season 8 – without it, I think that's less clear than it ought to be.)

Sometimes I've played with the notion that maybe Ian isn't actually experiencing a manic episodes but seeks to mimic its effects in an attempt to feel alive and distract himself from the emptiness and grief of losing both Mickey and Monica in such a short time. He stops taking his meds because he is lowkey hoping to trigger an manic episode – he needs that high – and then sort of engages in the type of behavior that might be associated with an actual episode, hoping to to actually trigger one? As I said, it's a notion I sometimes play with, but I'm not sure how convinced I am of it, and whether it's true or not, I think that by the end of season 8 he's probably really manic.

As for the particular project he directs his mania at... I think it's unfair to pin the blame for that on Trevor, but apart from Ian always being a compassionate person who likes to help others, I find it likely that he's actively attempting to emulate what he perceives as Trevor's goodness. (This was suggested by @damngcoffee or @fiona-fififi I think?) And then he gets too caught up and it all spirals and it's very sad but it does end so very happily – and it also, I think, demonstrates that even when Mickey isn't around, he is very much a part of Ian's story.

[jisungsmochi]

shining star - chenle

literally came up with this idea at 2am and just kept writing so i’m posting it bc it’s my first chenle imagine and i am pretty proud of it hehe, hope you all enjoy, idk how long this is but its very fluffy and has some angst in you squint. 

prompt(?):

“you have detention?” you question the boy.

“and you’re in a musical?” he strikes back, followed by a small grin.

highschool!au , friends to lovers?, musical themed hehe

————-

“all students who are taking part in the next musical production, please meet in the theatre after school for your first meeting” the announcement over the speakers echoed through the halls and in classrooms.

“imagine being in the school musical” you heard boys behind you tease, followed by obnoxious laughter. you turned around to see who they were, not to your surprise it was chenle, and his group. chenle’s eyes met yours, he saw the expression on your face and instantly stopped smiling.

what a jerk, you thought to yourself.

you turned back around and resumed listening to the lesson, taking down notes before placing a reminder on your phone that you had a meeting for the musical. you weren’t the lead, this time. but you were hoping that in the next production, you will be. you were happy with playing the supporting role, just as long as you had some lines. the musicals at school were a safe haven for you. you were supported by people who had the same passion and the activities your drama teacher allowed you guys to participate in, made you enjoy lessons even more. although most of the school focused on the sporting teams, you were pleased with the theatre group. aside from occasional teasing, such as from chenle and his friends, you adored being in musicals.

“you haven’t handed in your assignment from two weeks ago, despite the extension. i have to put you in detention” your english teacher shook his head in disappointment as chenle groaned. you weren’t sure if he was annoyed or upset that he was in detention. you could never really tell.

your eyes met his again, he immediately broke the contact and made his way back to his seat.

the bell rang, signalling the end of school. your phone dinged with the reminder for the meeting. you rushed to the theatre, placing your bag in the designated spot and focusing on your teacher’s instructions.

“okay, today will be quite an easy day since it is our first meeting. i will be going over the opening scene with the leads so all other crew members, please begin to brainstorm costume ideas and set designs!” your teacher ordered, and immediately everyone dispersed into their designated roles. you decided you were going to read over your lines and highlight them in some pretty pastel colours. you situated yourself near the steps on the stage, legs crossed and focusing on reading.

after a few scenes, you decided to take a break, something caught your sight on your left. you furrowed your eyebrows and followed your senses. before you knew it, you were met with chenle towering over you, with a blank expression on his face.

“what are you doing here?” you spoke.

“what do you think?” he crossed his arms and looked at his feet.

“you have detention?” you questioned the boy.

“and you’re in a musical” he strikes back, followed by a small grin. you couldn’t help but crack a small smile.

“so what? you’re here to help with the sets?” you questioned him further, honestly trying to pass time.

“i’m more of just a stage hand i guess.” he shrugged, finally looking you in the eyes.

it wasn’t like you hated him. you didn’t really hate people. but sometimes, the things he said just got on your nerves.

“are you the lead, in the musical?” he loosened up, standing more comfortably in front of you as you continued this casual conversation.

“um no i’m not. i’m the supporting lead, it’s still something!” you smiled shyly, afraid he might tease you.

“what? you’re not the lead?? and soojin is? but you’re a great singer” his face was contorted in a confused expression.

“how would you know that?” you perked up, while smiling.

“i’ve heard you at the talent show, and you do know that you post singing videos on instagram?” he chuckled softly, making you pout.

“oh right, well i don’t know, maybe she’s just better at acting!” you tried to excuse, but he wasn’t convinced.

“possibly, well um, while we’re talking, do you mind if we just chill during these meetings? until my detention is lifted and all, i literally have no one” chenle proposed, which made you quite flattered that he enjoyed your company.

“oh yeah sure! i’ll teach you about stage directions and stuff, just so you’re not confused and all” you offered, which caused him to smile widely and nod.

“thankyou so much” he held his hands in a prayer pose.

“my pleasure” you laughed before telling him where to move certain objects.

——————

two weeks passed by and you’d say that chenle had picked up the theatre terms pretty quickly.

“you sure you don’t wanna be in the musical?” you joked as he was playing around with the microphone settings.

“oh yeah for sure, can’t believe i missed auditions” he joked in return, shaking his head before handing you the microphone.

“should be good to go” he smiled before giving you a thumbs up. you mouthed a quick ‘thank you’ before facing your teacher. you began singing your duet with the supporting male lead. it was going smoothly until you completely blanked and forgot the next lines. the music automatically stopped,

“y/n! what’s going on? you’ve had 2 weeks to prepare so far” your teacher sounded disappointed and slightly annoyed. you sighed quietly before apologising and running off stage. chenle was about to stop you before you shoved past him, tears leaking from your eyes. he heard your sniffles and ran after you. you stopped running as you left the theatre, backing yourself against the wall. chenle caught up and faced you.

“i can’t do it” you sobbed. your chest was heavy and your breathing was irregular. he noticed and placed a hand on your arm.

“look at me, just calm down first okay? breathe with me. in.... and out” chenle tried his best to help you.

you followed his orders before speaking again.

“i can’t freeze up like that in the real show. i just can’t. i need to keep singing. even if i fuck it up” you sighed to yourself, sliding down the wall to sit on the ground. he copied you and sat next to you, your shoulders touching.

“hey, at least this was rehearsal. you’ve kicked ass, all the way up to now. don’t let this scare you!” he spoke to you in such a lovely manner, it eased your worries.

“i know i know. i just can’t help but feel this way” you look at him. your face stained with tears, but you still gave him a small smile. he wiped some of the tears with his thumbs, before saying,

“let’s cut this rehearsal short. you deserve some ice cream” he pulled you up from the ground and pulled you in for an embrace. you would admit that you had come to a liking of chenle. he was so helpful as a stage hand, and always showed up on time. he always gave you a small thumbs up before you were about to sing, and always waited for you when rehearsal was finished to catch the bus home. you nodded at his offer, grabbing your bag you had placed in your locker and walked out of school with chenle by your side.

—————-

chenle had served his detention, but still remained as a stage hand, in which your teacher didn’t mind as he was genuinely helpful with the props and tech equipment. it was two weeks before opening night. after almost every rehearsal, chenle would be right by your side when going home. the entire time you both had been working together, he hadn’t said one negative thing about musicals. he had become accustomed to the quick paced yet laid back nature of the theatre. but what he wouldn’t admit, is that he enjoyed watching you on stage. you smiled so brightly, you sang like an angel. he couldn’t get enough. his friends often teased him for wanting to remain a stage hand, but he ignored them, knowing it was worth it.

after this particular rehearsal, you ran up to chenle and hugged him tightly. he was taken aback, slowly placing his arms around you and patting your back softly.

“i didn’t make any mistakes today!!” you cheered, pulling away from him, still leaving your hands around his forearm.

“i know! you were great, as usual” he complimented, which made you blush. you shook your head before speaking,

“thankyou for always having my back. i’ll treat you to an early dinner. what do you want?” you offered kindly.

“actually, i have to get back home, but how about, this weekend? we can go out for lunch or something” chenle crossed his fingers in his mind that you would agree. you nodded immediately,

“yeah sure!! message me when you’re free!” you smiled before completely letting go of him and leaving the theatre.

he couldn’t control himself, as he fisted the air and cheered quietly.

————-

saturday afternoon, you had agreed to meet with chenle at your local bowling alley, as the onion rings were to die for there.

you were onto the eighth bowl, chenle leading by 40 points.

“this isn’t fair! you’re too good!” you complain, poking his sides.

“am not! just know where to focus that’s all!” he defends before taking a bite of an onion ring. you giggled before taking your turn.

“here i’ll show you” he came up behind you, helping you position yourself properly.

you felt his fingers touch yours and you couldn’t help but blush.

“okay so you see that middle pin? just try your best to aim there and keep your arm steady!” he looked at you for assurance as you nodded in response. he left your side to watch, as you did exactly what he had said. you both watched as the ball rolled right towards the middle pin, although you did not get a strike you still managed to known down nine pins. you ran over to chenle, arms wide as he embraced you warmly and spun you around shortly.

“did you see that?!” you were ecstatic, he admired your excitement.

“i know!! you’re a pro already” he smiled.

“ah you’re too kind!” you complimented.

on the way back to your house, chenle had been walking close to you, where your shoulder touched and at any moment your fingers would link.

“thank you so much for today!! only a week or so until opening night!! this really helped calm my nerves. i appreciate your support over these past few weeks. i hope we still stay friends after this” you didn’t know why that last sentence felt so uncomfortable to say. you didn’t want to be just friends.

“oh yeah no problem!! you really kept me sane. i’m sorry for talking bad about musicals before, i just never really paid attention to them! you’ll smash it on opening night! i’ll be cheering! and yeah, we will be friends” a part of him felt hurt to finish off that sentence as well.

you gave him one last hug, which lingered for longer than your normal hugs.

“see you next week” you waved before entering your house, watching as he returned the action. what did you get yourself into?

—————-

it was the afternoon of opening night, everyone was running around everywhere. you had just finished the final rehearsal and were currently resting. you sat with chenle outside of the theatre again.

“you nervous?” he questioned, looking over at you.

“a little, i just don’t want to make any mistakes!” you sighed.

“and you won’t! here’s something to make you feel better” he pulled out a small box from his jacket pocket. you raised your eyebrows before opening the box, it was a key ring that had a star hanging from it.

“you didn’t have to get me something oh my god, flowers would have been perfectly fine!” you pulled him closer to you, listening as his laugh filled your ears.

“it’s okay! you deserve it. you’ll still be a star, even if you mess up. you’re such a good performer i can’t stress that enough” he avoided your eyes. you tried to gain his attention again, in which he complied.

“can i tell you something?” your stomach was going so many flips, you couldn’t contain yourself. he nodded slowly, allowing you to continue.

“without you, i would have probably given up by now. thank you for staying by my side. i can’t thank you enough for how nice you’ve been to me. and i think it would be a good time to say that, i really like you. like a lot. like i think about you after every small positive thing that happens to me because you are just such a positive person! and this gift is just so meaningful. you are such an amazing guy, and i hope you like me too” you blurted out , watching as his face became stunned. words refused to leave his mouth. you pouted softly, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“i was going to tell you that i liked you after the musical but you beat me to it. if it weren’t for you, i would have quit being a stage hand after my detention. but i really wanted you to see how amazing you are. i’ve known how amazing you were since the talent show. i was surprised to see that you were a supporting role. you deserve so much more. i admire all of your confidence, and i can’t get enough of you” he spoke with such admiration you began tearing up. you hugged him tightly, refusing to let go, mumbling ‘i like you so much’ in his chest. he softly giggled, “i like you too cutie”.

———

opening night was a success. as the final bows were being taken, you looked over at chenle and ushered him to join you on stage. he quickly shuffled to you and took a bow with the rest of the crew.

“congrats on everything” he whispered to you.

“you’re adorable” you mumbled before placing a quick peck on his cheek. he looked over to you in shock. you were unpredictable, quick witted and he was completely whipped for you.

musicals weren’t so bad after all.

[vivisgn]

hi hello, it’s me! your local loser! (´,,•ω•,,)♡ my name is kitty, 22, gmt+4, and this is my loser child vivi! we are ready to plot, my dudes! but like. slowly because i’m v slow at getting to stuff lmao (i’ll get to messages by tomorrow hopefully, but thank you for the very warm welcome! ♡) okay so i’ll be listing out some (note: a lot) info and plots below! like this post if you’d like me to approach you to plot! i also have a discord for easier communication uwu

okay first up! here’s some basic info:

her real name is feifei but nobody calls her that. she doesn’t acknowledge that name at all lol she only goes by vivi

born and raised in amsterdam, the netherlands, but her family moved to china when she was 10. her family owns a multinational investment bank and financial services company, which happens to be the fourth largest bank in the world so you know her family’s loaded af. however, she’s not close at all with her parents and was mostly raised by her aunt who is a principal dancer in the netherlands.

she has a brother (a possible open connection? tho i’m also fine with him staying as an npc) who was heavily favoured by her parents due to him displaying the qualities needed to take over their company in the future, and vivi was kinda just yeeted? yote? to her aunt’s lmaooo

lied to her parents and said that she’ll be studying university in the netherlands, but went to korea instead without telling them which later on led to her mom finding out and visiting her during the last few days of her senior year. she was disowned at that night and disappeared the next day so that’s the tea here if you were curious haha

homeschooled all her life and never had many friends so she was awkward af when she first entered uni, but eventually became miss congeniality

okay enough about background stuff! vivi is little miss sunshine who tends to be an overachiever. always on top of her studies and part of so many clubs and sports teams (though she did drop a couple of them in the beginning of her first year as a grad student) but she will always find time to be a friend to everyone and help out when she can! need tutoring on some subjects? you’re out of town and you missed the last bus back to campus? just need a friend who will listen to your woes and worries? she’s finding a way to fit you into her busy schedule. she’s got you.

very girly, but also sporty af! as mentioned, she’s part of a lot of active sports and clubs, and also knows how to skateboard. also a major health buff so you’d see her at the gym pretty often and running laps around the quad at 6 am. 

ever since she came back for graduate school, she’s been a bit different. maybe casual friends wouldn’t notice, but her cheerfulness came off a bit forced and she would space out more often. she also started partying a lot and drinking and overall hanging out with some people who aren’t the best influence on her. also got a couple of tattoos and piercings but nobody’s seen them yet.

flies to the netherlands during breaks between semesters. she’s a bit of a celebrity there (mostly because of her aunt) and does some modeling every now and then, but people in korea don’t know about that side of her.

people don’t know anything about her family. they also don’t know about her getting disowned because she’s not the type to open up to anyone. 

that’s all i can think of right now, but if you have any questions, don’t be afraid to hmu!

now for some plots and connections:

her penpal! she had a penpal when she was younger, either while she was still based in the netherlands or when she moved to beijing. they kept correspondence for many years and they are the reason why vivi chose to study in south korea.

a best friend or the person who’s been the closest to her throughout their school life. maybe they understand that vivi’s going through something right now and is just supporting her, or their relationship might be strained because she refuses to tell them anything about what happened and why she just disappeared all of a sudden.

an accidental confidante! a person that she spilled everything to when she had a little too much to drink one time and it just got. a lil emotional. and messy. vivi doesn’t remember that she told them them anything, so it’s up to your muse if they’ll tell her about what they know or if they’ll tell other people.

someone who’s in the know. they know about their family and her situation because their families run around the same social circle. were they the one that snitched on vivi, and that’s how her parents found out that she was in korea? or they an observer, or perhaps a friend that she could talk to when there’s simply too much to bottle up?

a road trip buddy, perhaps? she tends to go on out of town drives during weekends when she’s free, sometimes to go hiking or camping, other times just to sight see. she usually does these things alone, but she doesn’t mind someone coming along occasionally. they’ll get to ride on her aston martin one-77 and she might give them the aux cord if she likes their music taste lol

and a workout buddy, too! someone she can work out with or accompany her during her early morning runs

people that she tutors! anything related to business/physics/languages, she’s your girl.

the wrong crowd. the bad influences in her life that introduced a couple of new vices to her, always bringing her to parties, etc.

a one night stand that she had during a particularly bad night when she just wanted to feel something - anything. regretted it as soon as it was done and ended up avoiding them the entire year - unless...?

the confused lmao it would have been around her freshman year or so and she ended up accidentally speaking dutch to them and the person ended up thinking that she only spoke that language. could have lasted for days or weeks because vivi is a Fool™ who would not have known how to make it clear to them that hey,,, she actually spoke korean too ahaha but ye it took a while before she came clean and they still have a good laugh about it to this day

okay that’s all for now! i know this is a lot haha but this is what i have while i work on her complete background and plots page. feel free to message me if you see a plot that you’re interested in or if she somehow fits one of the plots/connections you need for your muse(s)! for now i sleep bc i have an early day tomorrow, but i’ll get to these + the messages soon uwu thank u for reading and take care! ♡

[queenangst]

advice for high school??

advice for high school:

put yourself out there. i know high school is big and scary, but it's new. you're going to know people who you've seen all your life and people who you have never met before, probably. don't be afraid. sit next to someone new in chemistry and... bond. ask to squeeze in a lunch spot. smile at your teachers, say hello. join clubs. it's 2-4 years of your life, so find your people.

stop thinking about the numbers. this is one of the hardest things when you're surrounded by a pressured environment from all sides - teachers, students, parents. but let me tell you that you have to learn when to care and when to not. which times to fight and which times to let go. you might get your first 35 on a test. you might be ranked far behind your other classmates. not every homework has to be done well, just done at all. not every grade has to be an A, because in the end higher academic institutions care less than you think and not every "bad" grade is the end of the world. and if you don't do so hot on something, feel a little bad and then keep going. no use in dwelling, just do better next time. (sometimes just give up. don't do an assignment. take the 0. sometimes you need the time, or the break, and it's not worth doing.)

freedom. high school is the first taste of bigger opportunities in learning. choose classes you might have an interest in over what will boost your gpa or whatever. take art, take music, something creative, even if you are a stem student through and through, you don't have to do well but this will enrich your life and give your brain something different that isn't numbers or grammar or whatever. and creativity fosters community.

communicate with your teachers. some teachers accept nothing late ever period. some teachers procrastinate. actually a lot of teachers procrastinate they're really just like you. whatever the case talk to them. if you're having trouble understanding high school teachers often have some form of out of class tutoring/tutorials before, after, and even during school (such as at lunch). if you are sick, if you want them to look over a paper, if you need an extra day to finish your project and make it good, talk to your teachers. they want you to succeed. they cannot always be lenient for personal or academic reasons, but they will understand. and them knowing is better than them not.

get sleep. i mean it. 6 hours at least. 7 is good. 8+ is best. if you can't, at least sleep for some amount of time even if it's 30 minutes. if you can't sleep, still lie down for a bit in the dark and let your body rest even if your mind won't shut off. you will thank yourself in the morning.

do your damn homework. just do it. there's a lot, some of it is useless, but a lot of it is not. homework is meant to help you retain the info that you learned in class, or even learn more info that you will not cover in class.

on top of #6, read the textbook and listen in class. sometimes it's boring. just do it. you don't have to take notes but they definitely help, and notes never have to be pretty they just have to be legible to you. it can be bullet points. it can be diagrams. it can be a treasure map of weird associations. draw angry faces next to notes about dead historical figures. whatever works for you.

teachers are resources. ask if you can record lectures. see if they have a google classroom or someplace online where they post notes and powerpoints. ask for websites and further reading. ask for HELP.

study a lot, have fun a lot. i know every day is limited and you're going to be tired all the time. i know. i was there. ib was working us to the bone from the moment we went in to the very last exam. but on the weekends and after school, every now and then do something with your friends that isn't going through your math homework together. see a movie. get coffee, or boba, or tea, or whatever the hell y'all drink these days. go to a museum. find free activities. swim. talk to your friends outside of an academic environment and you will be closer and dearer. and you will not regret it.

you're allowed to disagree with your authority figures. so parents/guardians/teachers. don't overstep your boundaries but as you learn and grow there will be times that they are wrong and you are right. in many different situations... but most especially about you yourself, a person.

reach out. talk to someone when you're hurt. theres going to be a lot of new experiences in high school and some of them will be bad. please talk to your friends. your parents if you can. talk to a teacher you trust. sometimes school counselors suck but part of the job, regardless of if they are doing well or not, is listening to you, and it's meant to be confidential. and if you're worried about someone else for gods sake talk to an adult.

you are still a kid. please don't stress too much about matters that are bigger than you and things that are too much for you to control. you are almost an adult but you are not, you are grown up but you are not. do kid things. you don't need to be super strong, or super mature, or act ten years older than you are. you don't need to prove anything.

pursue your interests, and good things will follow. i mean this in every sense. your health. your mind. your attitude. your college applications. (seriously, everyone has done the volunteer hours and everyone has the grades and everyone has what you have. show that you're human.)

be awkward. be weird. there are so many different kinds of people but someone will be like you, and someone will like you. be happy, and others will see it.

don't put your burdens unnecessarily on other people. or yourself. here's the truth: if all you talk about is how bad you are, how you aren't getting anywhere in life, how the numbers aren't good enough, then no one will stick around for long. you will surround yourself in something bad that people don't want to be around. like mentioned, talk to someone. friends are the most comfortable but not always the most appropriate. im not saying to keep your thoughts to yourself, but adults > other emotional, struggling, hormonal teenagers in terms of being equipped to handle tough situations. people want to help! but when all you talk about is yourself and your trouble, and not listen to other people, talk about things that make you happy... you're going to lose something.

college is a big deal but also not. please don't worry about it until junior and senior year.

failure is inevitable. take it.

surround yourself with people who are better than you, and who you like, and who like you. surround yourself with people who you aspire to be similar to. you will do better and you will want to do better.

keep organized. good god. please do not be like that one guy in my math class. one day my classmate and i got so fed up we cleaned out his backpack for him and shoved things into folders and begged him to stay organized. folders. binders. accordian folders. just use something im pleading you. it's going to be 2 minutes before class and you realize you can't find your homework or turn in a wrinkled, stained paper. also keep some sort of schedule and task list or else you will be that guy that goes "wait we have a TEST today?"

halo effect. first impressions are important, even if you can overcome bad ones. show up on time. sit in the front even though it's scary, because midyear you'll realize you have been doing badly because you sat in the back and can't see or hear over the two girls who gossip in front of you. smile. say hello. ask questions. raise your hand. you can be wrong. you can be wrong. you can ask stupid questions.

ask your teachers if you can eat in class. my 4th period teacher (after lunch) was fine with us eating, so id take lunch to study sometimes and eat then. i always ate breakfast during 1st period bc when i got up it was too early for my body to take more than a little. most teachers are okay as long as the smell isn't strong and lasting, and you clean up. have a snack so you don't crash. don't forget to eat either. please eat lunch, and some teachers will give you snacks if you ask, and if you don't have money please just... ask someone for a share or to borrow some cash. it's okay. you need to eat.

there is so much more. school might be all you know. but stop and enjoy life. if you worry about college you're going to spend 4 years looking forward and not enough at the present, and you're going to lose your precious time. there is so much more.

you're going to change. a lot. you will be a completely different person. that's normal. you're gonna be a little embarrassed. like the person you become, and become a person you like. make good choices. be kind. have heart.

enjoy high school, kid. good luck!!! it was honestly a rewarding and wonderful time, and that was in part bc i made it so.

[azazelsocks]

you posted a while back that it bugs u that sam says “according to the lore” and like...u rite. but also spn is shit with a lot of that. especially “pagan” stuff? like “vervain and mint? heavy pagan stuff” and “dark ages black magic!” basically: the writers have no idea what they’re doing and I reserve the right to assume Sam is better than the lines he is written with. he would never be that ignorant.

this is a late answer but oh well. i agree that sam is better than “according to the lore” and that the writers don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, and i think that you can absolutely have whatever headcanons or interpretations of sam u like, but i kind of take issue with the rest of this ask?

first of all let’s just get this out of the way i am not actually interested in headcanons venerating sam as the Most Woke Academic Dude. it’s unrealistic. also, it’s everywhere & i’m bored.

anyways.

in my opinion, “heavy pagan” and similar phrasings are perfectly in-character given sam’s background & the way “paganism” is contextualized in usa protestantism esp. farther south. is it wrong & reductionist? yeah. is it a normal thing for sam as a character to be wrong about? also yeah.

also consider that

paganism in the modern sense tends to refer to european polytheistic traditions (and in the older sense referred to all non-christian religions but still mostly the european ones given where christians tended to hang out)

supernatural rarely (never?) uses the word to refer to neopagan movements active in the united states

sam’s research sources early-seasons consist largely of his dad’s personal journal, websites like “Hellhound’s Lair”, random public libraries, and maaaybe a consultation with an actual academic here or there

sam has stated an acceptance of his life/identity as a hunter (which we could argue about but i’m not going to) but in early-seasons and pre-seasons he did not like hunting and he certainly would not have enjoyed reading about/researching for hunting or done it for pleasure

prior to s6 the early seasons, many non-north american monsters were very rare (6x04 weekend at bobby’s)

BOBBY:  Okami?  Where’d you shiv it?

RUFUS:  Get this.  Billings. 

BOBBY:  The only time I ever saw one of these was in Japan.

RUFUS:  Duh. No one’s ever seen one of these except in Japan.

BOBBY:  For what it’s worth, Sam and Dean are tracking a Lamia in Wisconsin.

RUFUS:  Get out.  I thought they never leave Greece.

BOBBY:  Monsters lately.  Is it me, or is it weird?

though probably primarily because of lack of relevance to plot and infrequent featuring as monsters-of-the-week, use of “pagan stuff” “black magic” etc has heavily dropped off

conclusion: not difficult at all to make a case that sam—who is not a medievalist, primarily researches for practical nonacademic purposes, grew up in the midwest in a christian tradition, went to undergrad for law, was not exposed to the right kind of material to have any sort of nuance on the topic, infrequently encountered lore or monsters relating to european polytheism or neopaganism before ~29 (s6), and who does not seem to have had any passion or interest in the topic — used to know less about the history of paganism and now knows more about it. or still doesn’t know anything about it. either way. there’s not necessarily as much in-text justification for him to be up on this as you might think.

on the other hand there is practically no discipline or field of research, amateur or academic, sociological, historic, literary, scientific etc. in which blanket phrases like “according to the lore” etc. is anything other than reductionist and poor practice. so while saying “according to the lore” may be in line with sam not knowing anything about paganism, it is not in line with sam having like, gone to a top-in-the-nation liberal arts college.

that’s why, of all the medievalism and religion-related things that spn is wrong about, i single “the lore” out; i think it’s especially egregious and makes the least sense. ymmv tho! everyone has their own limits about what spn is the worst at & what they’re willing to overlook.

eta: follow-up asks about paganism, deleted bc it's pedantic drama that i don't want on my blog, archived in case i later get called out for shitting on pagans or something lmfao

[bramsen22contreras-blog]

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[lifeofalaurie]

my uwc story

i remember reading through uwc blogs when i had just found out about uwc and when i was applying and going through all those months of WAITING for the next step...and they were so helpful. im so glad these exist

i first found out uwc through my brother’s friend, who actually went to UWC atlantic college (where im headed!!!!) a few years back. it was one ordinary saturday afternoon (idk if it was actually saturday but that sounds right) and we were carpooling with said friend (usually i dont participate in these but i happened to be in the car that day) and we were talking about next year and whatever and she just kinda said that she wasn’t going to be back next year bc she was going to this ‘abroad’ program. i didnt even really think about it that much. i in fact forgot about it after that...apparently my dad did not.

so my dad would talk about it here and there but i was NOT INTERESTED for that whole year..then...i started researching a bit myself and thought oh this sounds kind of cool. i still didn't really get what UWC even was or if was even a legit thing. it just sounded like another boarding school (a huge NO for me). then i saw that there was a such thing as a “short program” (or maybe someone actually told me about it) and i decided to apply for the one at the USA campus in New Mexico. i remember writing the essays over winter break and thinking they were pretty terrible (there was also a skype interview involved and that was rough) so i was pretty shocked when i found out i had gotten in but it worked out well bc my fam was going to arizona anyway a week before that so i just flew to new mexico myself after that (i say that casually but we had to cancel tickets and get new ones so that i could go to new mexico instead of home PLUS i had to fly for myself for the first time and i was pretty confused). (also, the program is called global leadership forum or GLF)

after hermit’s peak hike (ALL UPHILL FOR A SOLID 4-5 HOURS) i think it was like 8 miles IDK. view was so nice though 10/10

GLF turned out to be an amazing experience and really solidified my trust in UWC and confirmed to me that it was indeed a real thing. i really loved how much we did in those 2 and half weeks or so - camping, hiking, interacting w wolves, having important discussions - and it really pushed me to decide to apply to UWC for real. maybe ill talk more about it in another post!!!!

ok so coming home i did even more research and really really started liking UWC and decided that i might as well try to apply. i knew they never had a certain ‘criteria’ for students but i also knew it was a long and stressful process and involved really digging deep so i really didn’t think much of it (didn’t think i really had a chance) after submitting my written application. and then began the long waiting game...

here’s a nice picture of the sky @ a wolf reservation! just wanted to add a nice pic 

i never joined any of those fb groups or college confidential things for applicants and good thing bc looking at some of them now stress me out so i wouldve probably been even more stressed if i had been involved in that. also i didnt even know they existed until later so thats also probably why.

anyway i had totally forgotten about UWC (more like i was sure they’d forgotten about me or there had been something wrong like my application wasn’t submitted or something) bc i didnt hear back until the end of november (i submitted the application early october). but finding out i was a semifinalist was kind of traumatic bc in my GLF snapchat group one of my friends (who’s going to Pearson this year!!!) said he’d moved on to the next stage and i hadn’t GOTTEN ANY EMAIL. i think i just accepted it that that was the end. but then a few hours passed when i finally decided to check a different email and, alas, there it was. so a few days later, i got an email from my interviewer when we should do our skype interview and it turned out to be the same day i was taking the ACT. good

the interview turned out to be completely ok and actually really great (enjoyable even!!?). if youre at that stage, seriously the best advice i have is to just chill and be honest when youre answering. also, make it more like a conversation rather than the interviewers (yes there are prob going to be more than 1 but i assure u its ok) asking u questions back and forth. think of it as a conversation- that helped me so much to relax. the interviewers just wants to talk to you and find out what kind of person you are and if youre the same one that wrote all those deep meaningful essays from the written application - so if you were honest from the start youll be completely fine...if not, well..sry

after that, school and extracurriculars and life really went up for me and i just forgot about UWC again. i never really told any of my friends about it or anyone except for my parents. i kind of wanted it to be a personal thing- get in or not in the end.

after a really good last day of school before winter break, i went to the town library (lol) and checked my phone and therE IT WAS. I WAS A FINALIST WHICH MEANT I WOULD BE GOING TO THE UWC USA CAMPUS FOR FINALIST WEEKEND. did not know what to expect

waiting for finalist weekend felt looooong

but it came

i flew there myself AND IT WASNT EVEN DIRECT and i remember feeling so independent and proud for making it. it turned out i was one of the later ones and in the last group to be bussed over (but i met a friend on the bus who i still talk to here and there who is going to RBC this yr!!). we were so late we missed the initial meeting and first night of activities and just went straight to the hotel. at the hotel i saw my interviewer and she gave me a hug (<3) and that helped calm me down and it was also really nice to see her in person bc i remember really liking her during our skype interview. then finalist weekend happened. and im pretty sure im not supposed to expose the process so all i can say was that it was actually so genuinely fun and a real good time 

UWC USA <3 

at the end we all exchanged social media and fb and all that and started a messenger group chat -- as nice as it was to be able to connect to everyone, i think it really stressed everyone out. they told us that results would come out early that week (FALSE). THAT WEEK AFTER FINALIST WEEKEND WAS THE MOST STRESSFUL THING EVER. IT TOOK YEARS FOR IT TO GO BY. i remember constantly checking my email between classes and everyone in the group chat wondering if anyone had heard. then on wed night, we all got an email that said the results would be notified by friday instead. the worst

i remember that friday evening i was packing for my first hackathon (it was fun) and thinking the call wouldnt come until later that night. people were freaking out all over the group chat. then, as i was scrambling packing my sweatpants into my bag, the home phone started ringing and i ran..RAN TO THE PHONE. it said my interviewer’s name on the caller ID and i was like OK THIS I S REAL. and i picked it up and it turned out i was too late so i frantically called back probably 10 times on multiple different phones (my efforts did not work). but then, i got a call to the home phone again and it was her so i picked up RIGHT AWAY and when she told me... i kid you not that i screamed and ran around my house a few times. so thats it. it was kind of a really long and sstressful process for sure, but SOO WORTH IT. i definitely learned a lot just from that process bc it makes you think and reflect a lot all throughout. weeee

if youre even thinking about applying please GO FOR IT (well as long as ur in the right age limit, 16-18.... and also make sure you’ve done some research to get a feel for it).. but just DO IT. and u can ask me questions if u want and ill answer to the best of my personal ability (but remember that im just one person and one experience and each person’s experience is completely different)

here is the general website btw:

https://www.uwc.org/

i will probably do another post to explain UWC - at least in my own words and perspective!

<3 <3 <3

[jamiethebee]

ohohoho i need to get my embarrassment out so hopefully my brain stops thinking about this but lmao like its a lot.

so i went to a convention this past weekend, cosplaying as per usual, and it's sunday, the last day of con, i'm standing outside of one of the last scheduled panels of the day. now, it's been a LONG weekend. I con crunched late for the past week, i got like 2/3 hours of sleep, then 6, then like 4 hours the days of the con. i am sensory overloaded badly. it's not great. social skills have been eroded to basics since the day prior or perhaps even friday. i had a headache start about 45 minutes prior and knew it was going to turn into a migraine at some point within the next few hours. honestly im kind of a mess and just barely holding in there. also important: i'm with a friend that is a hugger. this will come into play later.

uuuh readmore cause this is long

ok, so i'm outside this panel and someone comes up and goes a kurogiri has been looking for you (i assume just a shigaraki cosplayer and not me specifically) and this group of friends would like to get a picture. which of course i say yes, sure of course. so i walk over. at first i see some non kurogiri cosplays and then turn slightly and see a kurogiri walk up. EXCEPT my peripherals and middle of my vision is obscured due to shigaraki's wig. i see this someone walk forward and arms moving and my brain just,,,, short circuts? and goes "oh, hug". i think "eh that's a little weird" but keep in mind that i've been around someone who is a hugger, combined with the body language, my social skills being so far degraded, and my processing time being slow didn't think past that. so i basically hug a complete stranger. very nice, nothing said about, i take objectively a terrible cosplay photo (as i said, basically out of it and couldn't think of a pose? despite having done many shigaraki poses)

anyways, you might think oh not that bad. but one of the other cosplayers in that group i had run into on friday and exchanged instas with, and turns out i know from tktk????? and also i know the kurogiri???? (as in i've seen their content on tktk, i don't personally know them or anything and i don't follow them). but now????? now???? it's not like it's random con goers and as long as i'm not early series shigaraki i'll never be recognized, nono! we're all active on social media! the kurogiri is mutuals with one of my best friends! i can't! unmortify it.

the best part? it took me 2 hours to fully process that "wait, maybe i interpreted that wrong and they weren't going in to hug a total stranger".

2 WHOLE HOURS. and then after relaying this mortifying mistake my friends pull up the "cosplay =/ consent" and goes "omg I'd be mortified". meanwhile the previous friend i mentioned basically goes "no it's fine i don't think you misread anything" but? they don't have any hesitance with physical affection and i don't know if they were paying attention really so there's a chance it was more platitudes than anything else. anyways, mention that i'm mentally drafting up apology and both friends go "don't fucking do that at all. if it wasn't embarrassing before it'd certainly be bad bc of an apology"

SO basically: i can't stop thinking about this situation but there's also? nothing i can do? friends said don't contact and so i'm just sitting here wanting to melt into the earth and cry. doesn't help being tagged in photos and now ??? do i act normal in a comment? like?

plus, there's tons of con guides ppl post on stories like what they're ok being called or referred to or touching (in regards to person, props, ect) so?!?!? there's a real possibly i not only hugged a complete stranger but violated a boundary (badly) and they've already made clear? (i mean that's not my fault for not knowing as i don't follow them, but it's more the fact that boundaries are something that are talked about a LOT with cosplayers and due to my brain just. not working. i probably fucked up real badly.)

the best/worst part? i don't like being touched by people at all ever. i just accepted a violation of my own boundaries (or i guess perpetrated?) to conform to a social expectation that didn't even exist in the first place and was probably very uncomfortable for this person as well.

also. the cosplayer i exchanged socials with, we mutual followed one another on friday/saturday and now i'm just like. they know my online persona. i'm going to become that weird person that they have a story about i just…. the full weight settled on me and i don't know how to deal with it? other than just try to ignore it.

(side note: i posted a general "sorry if i did/said anything weird this weekend" kind of thing on my story but that's it.)

trying real hard to keep identifiers out of this but geez idk how well i did.

[earlgreytea68]

Maybe it's bc I'm from a country whose gov wiretapped innocent people they saw as their enemies but I can't believe people PAY MONEY to get spied on so they what? Don't have to press a button?! I'm not angry or anything just absolutely baffled at how many people ACTIVELY choose this dystopian nightmare shit. Things are bad enough already so I just wonder how both those things (anger about fb&owning alexa) fit together. Not attacking you, just genuinely wondering about the thought process (1/2)

Valid question! Here’s my thought process:

First, the Facebook thing is actually less about the collection and sale of my data than...a really, really long tortured relationship with Facebook that needs to end now. Not that I agree with the collection and sale of my data! Because I don’t! But you should know my long history, because I think it explains my thought process. 

I registered for Facebook early, when you still had to have an edu email address. I thought I had it locked down, private, friends-only. Then, a few years later, my boss walks into my office and closes my door and gives me a talking-to about “inappropriate Facebook posts.” To be clear, I was never a person, like, posting topless photos on Facebook or something, nor was I complaining about my boss really. It was more like, “Ugh, I have to work all weekend, sorry I can’t go to this party!” And she was like, “THAT IS PRIVILEGED INFORMATION THAT YOU WORKED ALL WEEKEND.” And I was like, ...how are you even seeing my Facebook, you’re not my friend? So (a) I was spooked, because when your boss yells at you because of Facebook, it’s terrifying, and (b) I was completely bewildered that she could even see my Facebook. Upon investigation, it turned out that at the time (and this was a decade ago), if you put down where you work, EVERYONE who also put that place down could see your Facebook, even if they weren’t your friend and your Facebook was friends-only. (I think Facebook has changed that policy now.)

So, terrified, I deleted my Facebook. But this was back when not having a Facebook caused this whole public outcry thing and my friends freaked out and so I gave in and re-started a Facebook, posting very little because I was terrified. But I still used it. Until I got depressed and started therapy. My therapist told me to keep a stress journal, where I wrote down whenever I felt a spike of stress, and going on Facebook consistently showed up in the journal as a source of stress. So, upon my therapist’s suggestion, I stopped going on Facebook. I still kept it instead of deleting it because I didn’t want people to freak out the way they did the first time, but I stopped using it. 

Fast-forward many years, and in January of this year, I tried to open a Facebook for the psuedonym I use for novels. Facebook immediately flagged me as suspicious and asked me to prove I was me by uploading a photo. And I was kind of like, ....Why do you need my photo? What’s that going to prove? All I can assume is that, of course, they have a database of what we all look like. How they know I’m not just grabbing  a random photo of the person I’m trying to impersonate off the internet is another question entirely. But I was like, Fine, whatever, I don’t feel like fighting with you, Facebook, so I gave up on having a pseudonym page. 

And then I started thinking: Why did I still have a Facebook? I never go on Facebook. All the stuff had happened with the election, so it wasn’t like people would freak out anymore if I deleted it, they’d totally get it. And I kind of no longer wanted to give Facebook bragging rights about how many users it has by counting me when I don’t actually use it. And Zuckerberg’s attitude seemed to be that if you didn’t like Facebook, you shouldn’t use Facebook. I COMPLETELY disagree with this sentiment on his part because I think it completely ignores how many people can’t opt out of Facebook at this point, but luckily, I can opt out of Facebook. 

...Or so I thought. 

Except that I requested deletion of my Facebook, and they confirmed deletion and said I was scheduled for deletion within two weeks, and then...just never deleted my Facebook. Which I only know because they keep sending me emails about me being tagged and people sending me messages (even though I also keep requesting to be unsubscribed from those emails). (And also my friends still on Facebook confirm for me that I’m still on there.) I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to get in touch with Facebook but...you can’t. It’s impossible. Try not being on Facebook and finding ANY contact information for Facebook other than a paper mailing address. If you find the contact info, please let me know!!! They have zero available email addresses, they don’t respond to their Twitter, and the phone number that circulates online is a dangerous scam stealing your social security numbers (which Facebook knows and warns you about but still doesn’t provide you with any way to contact them). 

So my anger with Facebook isn’t just about gathering and selling my data, it’s the culmination of years of mistrust and knowing it’s not healthy for me in general and then BEING DENIED MY RIGHT TO DELETE IT AND BEING RENDERED COMPLETELY POWERLESS. Like, the longer this has gone on, and the longer I have realized that there is literally nothing I can do to get Facebook to delete my account, the angrier and angrier I have gotten. 

So. That’s Facebook. As for the Alexa, well. You’re right. It sits in my house and is probably recording everything that happens in the house. Which is...basically nothing. I’m only home a few waking hours a day because I work full-time. I travel most weekends, so I’m not there on the weekends. I live alone, so I don’t talk much in my house. I have people over maybe two or three times a year, and then I can unplug the Alexa and stick it out in the garage and I feel relatively okay about that???? I might be kidding myself there, but, if worse comes to worst, I can throw the Alexa out entirely, and I think I’m okay. So I feel mostly in control of Alexa and its eavesdropping on me. 

I worry more about the fact that I’m supporting Amazon in the first place, since I disagree with most of Amazon’s policies. I feel really guilty about that and do want to extract myself from the Amazon dependency I developed. My only shopping option in my town was Wal-Mart, and at the time when I moved there a few years ago I thought it was better to support Amazon than Wal-Mart. Now I’m not so sure about that (although I guess the lesson I’ve been learning is that there is no company I really want to give my money to). 

I also worry more about the fact that I have a smartphone than an Alexa. I was very, very late to adopt a smartphone--years and years after everyone else had them--because I was very wary of them. I’m used to them now, but I don’t like how much information the smartphone has on me. I’ve given up a little bit, because I just...did. But the information the Alexa has is tiny compared to how much my phone has. And we all know that we have our suspicions that the phones are listening to us the whole time. And I *do* talk on the phone. I don’t talk much in my house, but my phone is the device I use to talk on (I talk a lot while walking around the neighborhood, waiting between classes at work, etc.). So the phone is getting every conversation I have, not the Alexa. 

All that said: I don’t know that I can completely disconnect now. I shouldn’t have a smartphone, or a Twitter, or a Tumblr, but I decided that at a certain point what I’m really going to strive to do is be conscious about this technology and work to shape it in better ways. Is this naive and idealistic of me? Yes. Undoubtedly. I have nothing I can say to defend myself on that point. I absolutely should just unplug...but that’s difficult to do, and I do feel like (as the EU is trying here) there are ways to make this technology less dangerous. 

Anyway. That’s my thought process. I think we all make the decisions we feel fit what we’ve considered. I don’t care much for Facebook, so it’s easy for me to disconnect (well, it would be if Facebook would let me, which is part of my major Facebook problem). I find Alexa useful and because I don’t do much around it and it’s connected to less stuff than my cell phone to begin with, it doesn’t bother me as much, and I feel like I can change my mind and get rid of it fairly easily. Of course, I could be wrong about that. I always thought I could delete my Facebook at any time, too.  

Everyone might get done reading this and think, Wow, EGT is an absurd human being who makes zero sense. That is a completely true statement. 

[education-tips]

Tips for Seniors/Juniors in High School (Plan on Going to College) College Admissions Advice #1

So when I was a Junior/Senior i remember freaking out about what college I wanted to go to and what I wanted to be and whatever

NOW I know I want to be an educator and help teens through this time because I remember how stressful this process was.

So here’s a 10 Tip thread I made for Jr/Seniors in HS who plan on applying to college

Look first of all, let me just say a disclaimer: I am not a college admissions person, this was just my experience with the California’s college application system.

So in my experience: I had the luxury of applying to 10 colleges (8 pub, 2 Priv) all in California #blessfeewaivers

The schools I applied to all ranged from prestigious to average but most of them happened to be my safety schools.

I wanted to point this out bc that was one of the things you SHOULDN’T DO when applying to college.

Don’t doubt yourself

When applying to college, many people get too caught up on rankings and whether they can get in the college or not.

And I was the same way. I even made a list

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p>When I was applying to college the main factors I looked for in a school were:

Prestige

Size of school

Weather

WOKE OR NOT

Difficulty to get in

How far was it from home

Etc

So make a list of what you want in a college. Especially if you want to dorm. You know what you want whether it be a school by the beach, or a school in a large city etc

Colleges won’t fit everything on your list, but if they do, congratulations you have found your dream school.

Apply to dream schools even if your dream school is insane to get into or it’s far away or whatever, apply to it!!

DREAM SCHOOLS DO NOT HAVE TO BE THE BEST SCHOOLS, THEY ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS ALTHOUGH THEY SOMETIMES CAN BE

Your dream school is the place you feel like you’d flourish AND fits the criteria you have set for yourself

Nobody should ever make you feel ashamed of your dream school because in the end if you get in you’ll be happy

Also, apply to places even if you doubt you’ll get in. They may not be your dream school but they might turn out to be.

You’ll have a better chance of getting in if you apply compared to the literal 0 chance you’ll have if you don’t apply.

Just have the guts to apply to your “dream school” or a school you really like aight.

But also realize that if you’re applying to less that 5 schools, then maybe you should consider some safety schools.

Apply to safety schools but not too many like me :)))))

These schools are not even schools that are low in “ranking” They are just schools you wouldn’t mind going to but the point is you’ll def get in.

Apply to schools you feel are what you want without focusing on your major too much

Be aware that yes your major might “matter” but apply to places that interest you as a whole. Your major might change. Your school, probably not.

And know what your comfortable with. Personally, I wanted to go to a school close enough to come home on then weekends but still be able to dorm.

Apply to private schools if you fit any of these 1. You got a dank scholarship 2. You’re not planning on dorming 3. Dream school 4. You’re rich 5. You got a fee waiver and why not

Private schools can be fucking expensive. They are smaller and have a “better quality education” but know that price is the main factor.

Many private schools in Cali offer really good education such as Stanford and USC

But unless they offer you a private school education at a public school price they can put you into some serious debt

Many of them also offer very little financial aid but do give out substantial scholarships. I was offered a $26,000 scholarship to a $65,000 school ???

So unless you have a fee waiver, applying to one of those schools and doing the work for it may not be all it’s cracked up to be in the end.

Work on your personal statement EARLY ASF

THE BIGGEST THING WHEN APPLYING TO COLLEGE IS THE PERSONAL STATEMENT SO IF YOU STRESS OUT ABOUT ANYTHING IT SHOULD BE THIS

Your personal statement is the only place in your college application that you can bluntly state: “IVE STRUGGLED IN LIFE PLEASE ACCEPT ME”

Depending on your past you either dread writing about you or you have nothing to write about.

But seriously start early. And if you don’t know where to start, just free write.

I had a dream and the following day I wrote about that shit and I actually used it in my essay. (As a metaphor)

Apply to Financial Aid and Look & apply for scholarships!

My decision on the school I finally chose had SOO much to do with financial aid.

Some schools sometimes will offer you little to no financial aid and if your a broke bitch like me you’re counting on that financial aid

If paying for college is a factor in your decision plan ahead, like start now.

Career Centers are your holy grail when talking about financial aid and colleges in general.

Look for scholarships to apply to ahead of time and get all the shit you need in order for you to submit them. (Letters of Recs)

Speaking of Letters of Rec, if you are planning on applying to a private school, most likely they will ask you for 2 or more letters of rec

So… 8. Make a Bragging Sheet

A bragging sheet is like a resume but for high school. Make a google doc and put down EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE IN HS OR ANYTHING THAT IS WORTHY OF MENTIONING

For example - Associative Student Body 2020-2024 - (Leadership Role: if any) [And then put a brief description of what y'all do but in a profesional manner]

My teacher made me do this after I asked him to write me a letter of rec and it helped me sooo much bc

This helps bc it will give your teachers (those who will write your letter or rec) something to say about you in their letter.

And make sure to give it to every teacher/ counselor that way they know exactly what they should put in your LetOfRec

If you’re a person who has done a lot of activities in HS, this will help bc most applications will ask you what you’ve done

Scholarships ask you what activities you’ve done in HS and you’ll have them all written down on this doc and all you have to do is copy it

It honestly comes in handy guys and it’s really easy to make. Google Bragging Sheet/Letter for more info about how to set it up

Do test scores matter when applying to college? ACT? SAT? AP? Answer: Yes and No

AP scores only matter if the schools you’re applying to actually give you credit for the test you’ve passed

However, if you are planning to go to a UC, AP English Scores are SUPER IMPORTANT so pass them at least with a 3. Or retake them if you can.

AP scores are also important depending on your major. If you are heading towards a STEM major they can help you gain credit in that area.

As for SAT and ACT scores, they matter depending on the school you’re applying to.

Applying to a more prestigious school, and having a better test score puts you at a greater advantage

But there are many cases where people get accepted to their dream school having really good curricular activities and average test scores

Don’t stess too much

The actual college application is fairly easy to navigate. Especially the UC app. But do not wait until the last day!!!

For a couple of years now the website to submit your application will crash the day the app is due so try to finish it at least two days before

But if you do your bragging sheet, those applications will be so easy bc all you have to do is copy and paste what you already have.

Colleges want to see that you saw high school as a 3 sided Pie Chart filling in Academics, Sports, and Extracurriculars

They want to see that even if you didn’t play sports, you excelled in academics or vice versa.

In the end, any school is going to help you get to where you want to go as long as you also put in the effort to make your dreams happen.

Maybe some schools will get you there faster but how would I know, I’m barely starting that path myself lol

Edit: I’m so happy you all have found this post enlightening!! It makes me really happy to have passed on some of my wisdom. Go check out the rest of my posts if you want more detailed info and if you have any questions feel free to ask!!!

Edit #2:

Hi everyone! I’ve noticed this post has been getting a lot of traction recently! I’m now in my third year of college and I just would like to point out that I have no idea how updated the current website is!! So please take into consideration that though some tips may apply the process may be different or updated, I really have no idea! On that note, I wish you all the best!!!