#posting this before i convince myself it's ugly again

[crunovasims]

GRADUATION: san myshuno edition

felicity (bottom right) and devon (bottom left) just finished their last year at will wright high school! they decided to take some group senior pictures to celebrate the special moment. the graduates all finished among the top of their class, almost guaranteeing them spots at their dream universities. while they anxiously await the decisions, they're excited to enjoy their last summer before life really begins! kaliyah (top left) and felicity are day ones and can't wait to spend their last summer in the city together. devon and his boyfriend best friend jeb just want to beat the heat and play a game or two before time runs out.

cheers to the pre-foxbury chronicles!

[billsbabydoll]

“𝒸𝓊𝓂𝓂𝒾𝓃 ℴ𝓃 𝓂𝓎 𝒷𝒿 𝓁𝒾𝓅𝓈.”

contains:SMUT<3

summary:while on my walk home, a very familiar cadillac pulls up beside me.rolling down the window calling out for me, my ex-boyfriend convinces me into his car for a quick “chat”.

WARNINGS:softdom!tom, sub!reader, light nipple play, pet-names, praising, blowjob, throat-fucking, make-out session, cat-calling, quickie, dry-humping, ex-sex.

notes:guys please excuse my last post im ovulating and i got horny in the middle of the night :3.

ugh today has been such a long and stressful day at work, finally im making my way back home, with music blasting in my ipod head-phones as i take in my surroundings, the orange sky and the sound of the city.

i was about 5-ish blocks away from my apartment before i randomly get the feeling of someone watching me and i was correct, i slowly turn my head over to the side of the road, taking a head-phone out of my ear and of course i see that stupid, ugly, pathetic cadillac i knew so annoyingly well and i instantly knew very well who eyes were watching me inside.

to no surprise he rolls the window down and stops the car, our eyes meet for the first time in 4 months.

“hii gorgeous, what are you doing baby?”he chuckles with that smug smile that i once absolutely adored, now only brutally hated.

i scoffed disgusted at his flirting, i decided to continue walking, putting my head-phone back in my ear.over my loud music i still managed hear his car driving slowly beside me and his long string of cat-calls.

“cmon doll, i’ll give you a ride!”

“schatzi (sweetheart), i know you hear me!”

“cmere, baby!”

“whats a pretty girl like you doing walking alone, it’s getting dark out y’know!”

i mean it was pushing 6:30 and the sun was already beginning to set, and i most definitely didnt wanna walk the rest of 5 blocks i had left on top of the 10 i already had walked.i sighed stopping right in my tracks taking my head-phones out of my ears and placing them in my tote-bag along with my ipod, before turning fully to the vehicle, signaling for him to unlock the door.

he smirked ignorantly, the door quickly unlocking with a switch of a button allowing me inside.i settle in the passenger’s seat, refusing to make eye-contact with him.

“how you been, i haven’t seen you since-well you know..”he questioned trying to make conversation as he began to drive again, his tone now more serious and gentle, taking note of my annoyed face and my refusal to meet his eyes.

“ive been okay just been busy with work, and you tom?” i replied obviously not interested in making small talk, especially with someone who dumped me.

“thats good, uh ive just been busy too with touring and promoting the new album, been thinkin’ about you a lot lately though schatz (sweetheart).”

“oh yeahh righttt.”i chuckle sarcastically, i know he had hundreds of girls throwing themselves at him everyday and night, heck they were even while we were together, there was absolutely no way he being honest.

“im serious, sometimes i ask myself why i let you go and, i mean really who would forget such a pretty girl like you hm?”he teased looking over to me, placing a hand on my thigh before looking back to the road ahead.

my heart begins to pump and race at the sudden contact of his large hand rubbing and softly gripping on my flesh, i could almost hear my heartbeat ringing in my ears.

i know i know what your thinking, and i was really struggling trying to maintain some sort of strength, i mean the guy dumped me!i also know hes just sweet-talking me like he always did but with someone so charming and handsome as THE tom kaulitz, it was like handing a child a huge lollipop and asking them not to eat it, absolutely impossible.

we sit in silence for another few minutes, still he continues to caress my thigh before he looks over to me again searching in my face for any sign of uncertainty or discomfort , to which he only finds willingness and desire.he nods, then proceeds to pull into an empty, quiet, hidden alleyway, parking the car before shutting off the ignition.

i waste no second more to quickly climb over to tom, straddling his lap my thighs resting on the sides of his own, capturing his lips into a hot kiss.he kisses back immediately toms hands finding their way effortlessly to my hips, helping me grind my clothed cunt against his urging length, creating a delicious friction.

we continue passionately making-out, our tongues swirling and intertwining perfectly into one-another.

as hes savoring the sweet taste of my lips, he removes his hands away from hips now using his left hand to lift up my skirt squeezing and slapping my delicate skin, his right hand finding its way inside my shirt, the tips of his fingers now rubbing fast circles on the buds of my tender breasts.

i moan lightly into his mouth, my eyes shutting as i take in the amazing sensation, my teeth biting down softly on his wet lips, my hips rocking recklessly against his seeking any further friction.

he pulls away from the kiss moaning and groaning with me, his cock begging to be released right at that instant.

“steig hinten ein, engel (get in the back, angel).”

i immediately comply, hopping off of his lap and climbing into the back seat, he follows shortly behind sitting down before going back to meeting his lips with mine.

he takes my hand in his and places it upon his groin, helping me begin to palm him through his baggy jeans, he groans into my mouth, his eye-brows furrowing together.

i take the lead now and pull away from his lips, looking into his eyes then looking down to his lap, i then lean over and quickly unbuckle his belt pulling his jeans down enough for his hardened length to be visible in his blue checkered boxers, begging to be pleased.i slip my hand in his underwear and pull his cock out, it swings out hitting his stomach before bouncing back up.

“your killing me here, c-cmon baby..”he whines impatiently.

i softly chuckle before i lowered my head down, my lips now not even an inch away from his leaky tip.i teasingly lick a few rings around his tip and lick up and down the sides of his shaft before i slowly take his length into my mouth.

he scoots up and relaxes his legs as he makes a make-shift pony tail out of my loose hair.i then begin to glide up and and down his cock, his tip once in a while kissing the back of throat.

“ohh f-fuckk keep sucking it that mmh-prinzessin (princess).”he praises, his head tilting backwards and hitting the headrest of the seat, his grip on hair becoming tighter.

i keep up a steady, quick, consistent pace throughout, using my left hand to stroke the extra inches i couldnt fit inside my mouth, i moan as i suck him off, sending high vibrations straight through his cock.

hes a complete groaning and whining mess, gripping my hair with one hand gripping the seat with the other.

“look ughh-into my eyes..”

“g-god i missed your fucking lips on my mmh-dick so much, doll.”

my watery eyes quickly looked up into his maintaining long eye-contact before looking back down.

he bucks his hips into my mouth seeking further relief, his orgasm coming in any moment now, his mouth hangs open mumbling desperate swears from his lips.he then grabs the sides of face with both of his hands and starts harshly fucking his cock into my throat.

i whimper as his tip rapidly stabs into the back of throat, my hands squeezing the leather of the seats, my eyes now crying from the brutality.

“f-fuck fuck im gonna cum!”

he announced before taking his length quickly out of my mouth and placing it on my blood-like-red lips.he pumps his length urgently, squeezing his eyes shut and with a primal grunt busts a fat load on my lips, covering my lips with his cum like lipgloss.

i lick the salty white substance from my lips, looking deeply into his eyes as i swallow, before an idea suddenly pops into my head-

“wanna finish this at my place, babe?”

“fuck yeah.”

THE END

[disabled-dean]

Asterism of an F-Series Ford Pick Up- 17k

Now with BELOVED amv by @butch--dean 🖤

Summary: When you've been to hell, desire is isolating and ugly.

Or: Cas drives his truck for a case and Dean is exceptionally horny about it.

“Once on a hunt when he was a teenager, Dean had been caught too close to an explosive when it had gone off. There had been the moment when the projectile hit, and the moment when it had detonated. And just before it had, there had also been a moment when he had believed that maybe it wouldn’t.

He had thought about that moment for years, over and over again, until something else had taken its place. And the way that that moment was quiet, the way it was still- that is how this feels. To lie beside Cas in the bed of his truck, their shoulders barely touching.”

Follow @deancastruckwip for bonus content <3

Ten Minutes From Home [Lebanon Coda] WIP 48K

We've truly come a long way since the iconic:

"Physically restraining myself from writing a coda fic for Lebanon, where John stays over at the bunker, Cas comes home in the middle of the night & there's tension between him and Dean over whether or not they will still share a room, and then 29-year-old Mary has to sit through Thee most homophobic breakfast with her dead ex-husband, closeted son, and his common law married, ancient eldrich boyfriend."

This fic is a deep dive into some of the juicier elements of Lebanon, including- justice for Mary Winchester and her rich internal life, the intricate dance constructed around Dean's homosexuality and John's neglectful/abusive parenting and the impact of the Michael arc on Dean and Cas' relationship. Also features: recovering!alcoholic dean, a staggering amount of risky bunker sex, biblically accurate sibling interactions, and studies on objectification. Also Sam is practicing witchcraft as a treat, and I put that guy in eating disorder recovery (because he fucking needs it) <3

Haven't started posting this one! But you can follow @lebanon-wip for excerpts, inspo, and bonus content <3

An Easier Softer Way WIP 38k

Recovery!natural. Injured after the hell rescue goes wrong, Dean ends up disabled and living in a small rural town in Eastern Washington. With Sam fucked off to god knows where and without the fight to distract him, Dean has nothing left to focus on but his burgeoning sobriety, and persistent dreams of hell.

Set in the arid low-lands of the river valley, surrounded by apple orchards and twisting irrigation canals, Dean becomes convinced he can see a great beast stalking through the hills bordering the town. The same beast he has dreamt of since returning from hell, the same one he can sometimes feel beside him when he knows that he’s alone.

Walking the line between grief and reality, isolation and community, Dean has to pull together what's real and what isn't as he adjust to his disability, and finds faith that he is capable of building lasting relationships and creating a life for himself worth loving.

Also eventually Cas shows up, and they save the world.

He’s still debating just getting the fuck out of there when a women at the head of the long table clears her throat, and starts to read from a laminated print out. The edges of Dean’s vision blur out a little. He has to leave. He has to- the woman is still reading. Dean tunes back in in time to hear, “-At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not."  Here, the speaker pauses, and Dean feels like she looks right at him. But she doesn't. She just gives the laminated sheet a little shake, clears her throat and continues, "With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.” And no one could ever call him a coward. So he stays.

Honestly the most plot I've ever worked with (and very deeply personal) so this one could be a while. @aneasiersofterway for inspo, vibes, and bonus content.

[tuiskuh]

Found my old uni sketchbooks a while back, and I was genuinely startled by how many sketches I made back then. Looking at them I realised that working digitally, I had sort of stopped sketching the same way I used to. For whatever reason I find it hard to make mind maps and thumbnails on a tablet and I think I had also convinced myself that I'd gotten so much better since uni that I didn't need them anymore. However, going through those sketches, I could see how much drawing them had helped me to push myself and make more interesting and less obvious choices.

I decided to try traditional sketchbooks in the planning phase again, and I am honestly stunned with how much of a difference it is making. I didn't realise I had been struggling at this before I started doing them again. This is a PSA to all digital artists to try using sketchbooks in the ideas stage, it genuinely really does help.

(Also this is why those incredibly carefully curated sketchbook videos that people post confuse me so much. My sketchbook looks like ass bc it is meant to be a place for ugly thumbnails and half-baked ideas. If every page in your sketchbook is a perfectly composed finished image, I don't think you're using it properly honestly. Or then you need another ugly sketchbook for the ideas and thumbnails part)

[noonegetsleftbehind]

i debated saying anything, or talking about this at all. i know it's super personal and a very touchy subject and one that a lot of people shy away from or even hide. it's frowned upon to talk about and, for some, i know it's triggering to see it talked about it, but i kept thinking of one thing....

so, if seeing or discussing this is triggering to you? i understand. i get it. look away and don't click the readmore if discussing heavy mental illness topics and struggles/mentions of self-harm and suicide are something that you cannot handle. that is so valid and you need to keep yourself safe. skip this post and read the next and know i love you.

please understand that i am not looking for pity or for judgment. i am simply being transparent and real. i am advocating for mental health and for others that may be struggling too.

i will not go into much detail on what my bad news was. just know that it means another very crushing blow to my already non-existent self-worth and our financial status. it was such a crushing blow that it pushed me off an edge i had barely been hanging onto from months worth of physical health issues (christ i have had 3 surgeries since december and been in and out of the hospital.) it's been hard. it's been real hard and this was something i had put a ton of fucking work into and fought like hell for for over a year all for... nothing. all to be de-humanized and be forced to question what my worth at all is anymore or why i'm even here or why i should bother to keep going at all.

i won't lie. it got dark. it's still dark. i'm still struggling. it caused me to spiral into a near catatonic dissociation. i spent all day in bed crying before i just sat staring and out of it. all my brain could even think of was how much i wished i was dead. it's still there. i still question why i'm here, but i'm getting to the part where that gets a little bit better.

this is not a new fight to me. it's not. i had a complete, ugly mental breakdown in feb of 2020. jesus, february is a shitty month for me historically. i broke while at work - my job that i thought was going to be the career of my life and at the time i was going to college to further my study in. too much stress and too many years of masking and pushing everything away and ignoring...things i hadn't even realized i was doing.... and it was like someone had built a fucking damn around niagra falls. everything came rushing out all at once. these are things i am still trying to even begin to process. and when you snap, find yourself under a desk screaming and crying and trying to claw at your face at work? you don't come back from that. you don't get to stay at that job. my dreams and plans for the future washed away that night.

i didn't give up then. i went into intensive outpatient after several hours in a ward. i spent nearly 4 months in near daily several hours therapy and this was in the heart of the pandemic. it was at this time that i started attempting to finally transition. in the midst of everything, i was denied hrt for health reasons which only set off my shitty feelings and body image more. i closed myself back off and went non-binary again and convinced myself i didn't fucking deserve to live my life as the right goddamn gender and i needed to just accept and live life as a cis-woman. spoiler alert? that shit doesn't work. it will eat you alive.

i attempted to get jobs again. i had a seasonal job that i lost in jan of 2021. i got another job that i was placed in while working with a state vocational program. that one worked out well. it wasn't a fancy or great job by any means, but it was one i could do and could make money from. my boss was nice and i found parts of it interesting, but can you guess where this is going? my health popped back up. first i broke the scar tissue in my right hand where i had carpal tunnel surgery in 2020. then i got a concussion. then, out of nowhere, i started getting violently ill and was in and out of the ER like 4 times in 2 weeks for the worst pain i have ever felt. basically? my gallbladder went to fucking shit. i had to have it removed. in order to do that? they made me quit my job and come back when i was cleared post op to lift again.

i went back to the job. it didn't last long until a mishap with the pharmacy caused me to be off my meds for 5 days. this caused me to have a black out episode where i have no idea how i got there or why i was doing it but i was in the bathroom cutting myself. again. another trip to the psych er. they corrected the med issue and i got to go home. the takeaway from this? please please please please do NOT fuck around with your meds. don't just stop taking them. it's dangerous as shit. take care of yourselves.

i was fine for about a month until more stresses started to come back at me one after the other. they were piling up and i was breaking more and more. i admit it. i have next to none stress tolerance. i can't deal with change, especially sudden and a lot. i can't deal with blow after blow. i literally cannot process it or cope. it sucks and it sounds like i'm just being dramatic or a baby, but i mentally and physically just... can't. it's debilitating.

i found myself walking back home from a doctor's appointment and my ideations were running rampant. the next thing i knew, i started to make a move to walk into traffic. luckily, my brain pulled me back out of it and i damn near ran the fuck back home to tell my wife i was not okay and i needed to go to the er. this time? landed me in a full week of inpatient stay. that entire ordeal caused even more ptsd than i already have. it was traumatic as fuck and took me MONTHS of working with my therapist weekly on to even begin to process. it sucks, it does, but the mental health system is broken as fuck. a place like that should have been helpful and healing to me in a time like that, but it was anything but. it just kept me alive and i suppose that was part of the point and good enough.

by the time i was released, i had lost my job. they didn't even fire me to my face. just told my wife. the end of that year was... not good. nor was the beginning of 2022. i took the opportunity to go ahead and get my other wrist operated on for carpal tunnel and got both elbows (cubital tunnel) done in january and march of 2022 as well.

it was around this time-ish last year that my body image issues started to tank. my dysphoria was so bad i wouldn't even look in a mirror. i hated myself. everything about myself. the body i saw was not me and and i could not continue long that way. i met who became my closest friend and ally in this time. with his help and support.... i fought to fully transition. I literally do not know where I would be without him and I hope he knows that and how much he means to me. i came out publicly and socially completely and in july i finally got to start T. i am just over 7 months in and in may i have my consult for top. i'm getting there.

you would think this would mean i was finally happy and things should be good, right? while i am on a journey that has been a lifetime in the making and am changing daily and week to week closer to my true self? it's a very slow and long process. especially in a time like now when the rights of trans and lgbtqia+ people are constantly being threatened and challenged. it's scary and it's a struggle daily to be who i am. there are a lot of challenges that come with this and it is not an easy road and anyone who thinks we just up and choose to be this way can eat shit and fuck right off. nobody would choose this kind of pain and struggle.

to top that off... in case all of this wasn't clear? i have a giant list of things diagnosed and wrong with me. cptsd, ptsd, mood disorder, severe treatment resistant depression, anxiety disorder, borderline, gender dysphoria, panic attacks etc. these are things that don't just disappear. it means i still go to weekly therapy. it means i keep having to adjust to and come off meds and start new ones etc. it is a constant trial and error and a constant fight to keep going and be able to be better and just be okay. some days i'm fine and some days i'm not. sometimes i can be fine one moment and not the next. this is the nature of the beast.

so that brings us to now. once again... too many stresses.... too many blows one right after another snapped me. i broke and this time the difference is i knew it. i could feel it happening and see all the signs. the positive light here? in recognizing this, i knew i needed to fight like hell. i needed to get help. i knew i couldn't do this by myself. i can't keep going like this. so, i took the steps necessary yesterday to get in touch with my therapist and the location that handled my inpatient stay to get an assessment. this was so fucking hard to do because you run the risk of them saying you need to go inpatient. i took the risk because i knew i couldn't do this alone. bad things would happen.

so, that brings me to where we're at now. after being discussed with the psych on call, my assessment was recommended i do partial hospitalization. php is basically as intensive and the same thing as inpatient except you get to go home at the end of the day. this is the best possible outcome for me. i am scared shitless and it's a huge change and my social anxiety and ptsd for being back in the facility are through the fucking roof. i start monday. i'll be there monday-saturday 8am-3pm basically for 2-4 weeks. after that time, i will more than likely be moved into intensive outpatient for another 4-8 weeks. but you know what? i'm committed. i want to learn. i want to get better. i want the fucking help. it's not going to cure me, but it can damn well help me. that's all i want. (it's also breaking my heart that i now have to miss my best friend's wedding because i can't get out of the hospitalization. once i'm in, i'm in. it breaks me and i know he understands, but i wanted to be there for him and with him and it was important to me, but this can't be helped and i know that. it still hurts.)

so... that's my story. that's where i am. every day is a struggle, but right now... the struggle is damn near impossible. it is excruciating and it is draining of almost all of my emotional/mental/physical spoons/capacity. it makes daily life hard to even get through the day, it makes talking with people like i normally do extremely hard and it makes having enough brain power to be on here and get to anything substantial a crapshoot. some moments i can do it and have a lot of muse and feel the need to distract and writing has always been my favorite coping tool. but i just can't guarantee. i can't make promises about my activity and i hope that's understood and okay at this point. just know i WANT to be here. just know i am TRYING.

again... let me reiterate that i am not looking for pity in all of this. i'm not. honestly? i hope this HELPS at least one of you. i hope it shows you that sometimes it is okay to not be okay. it sucks, but it doesn't make you broken, even when it sure as fuck feels like you are. i hope it inspires someone to get help. i hope it makes someone remember to take their meds. i hope it lets someone know they are NOT alone. i hope it reminds someone to check in on a friend/love one. i hope it nudges someone to come out and be themselves and fight for who and what they are. why do you think i resonate with chris so much? why i love him so much? he fights. he never fucking gives up. no matter what. he grits his teeth together and he fights for himself and everyone he cares about.

"No one gets left behind. Not on my watch."

be kind to yourselves. know that you can always talk to me if you need to. if i have the spoons i will be here to listen and help if i can. know you are not alone. and most importantly?

remember that everyone behind one of these blogs that you're writing with or following... everyone on the street you see... we're all fighting our own invisible battles. you never know what someone is going through. you never know the struggle they're hiding. be kind to people, especially your fellow RPers. respect each other. lift each other up. befriend and love each other. nourish each other's creativity and hobby. stop fucking being so quick to break each other down.

mental illness is just as valid as physical illness.... you just can't SEE it. it's time to start treating it that way. it's time to stop looking down on people for what you don't understand. be glad you fucking don't if you haven't had to experience this shit then you're lucky. listen. be kind. learn. advocate.

Love, J

[theropoda]

if i ever find myself lying to myself again about how im normal and have nothing wrong with me other than being oversensitive im gonna show myself my own damn tweets from like 2016 bc That Is Not Normal Behaviour. i guess i keep denying myself the right to be sad about myself and my life because i didnt know anyone else who had it like me, so i didnt have anything to compare it to and just assumed that my life wasnt that bad when it.....Certainly was not good and shouldntve been that way. esp bc the whoooole time my parents way of cheering me up about the situation was "other people have it worse, it could be worse, dont worry it isnt that bad" (in general thats indian culture i think LOL, to acknowledge that your situation is bad is some kind of embarassment almost)

its so crazy though to see tweets of me just entering like high school trying to figure it out like "i have no idea how i will keep living"........Well guess what.......I LIVED BITCH........Life may still be difficult but it has genuinely gotten clearer, about hey imDisabled actually which explains fucking everything, theres people like me out there!! and i feel like the path to a good life is visible to me now i just need to walk it. It looks really fucking ugly and hard etc but knowledge is power and just knowing things about myself that i didnt know back then, makes me feel better i guess. Dont worry lil john you made it :] i can only hope john from 8 years from now feels the same way.

its interesting to look back on this time period, like i was literally just going through My Files looking for oc stuff and just kinda happened across this archive. probably the part of my life where i most severely delt with self hatred and the idea i was a morally horrible person (average 13 year old experience i have learned) that should straight up die....i learned to deal with it eventually, convince myself that im not evil, but its just....interesting seeing it at its worst, before it subsided, and the past few months it's been comin back again except this time its less "im literally evil scum i oughta die" and more "i'm a pretty okay, average guy, but man do i want to be so much more". but i definitely think that's an improvement LOL.

anyways whats the point of this post. just airing out my thoughts. also that it gets better. even if things don't become perfect they'll maybe get clearer. maybe you're not out of this hole yet but you know it can be done. Or something i dunno

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thanks for answering my previous ask!

I have nobody to share this with so hopefully you won't mind me sharing it here: So far, recovery has been going pretty ok for me. For now, I'm avoiding the mirror and I shower with the lights off, and those are behaviours I'll have to work on one day too but for now it seems to be the best course of action, because seeing myself in the mirror would most likely cause me to relapse. Especially since I know for a fact that I'm totally bloated right now, so whatever I'd see in the mirror wouldn't even be an accurate reflection, but my disordered mind wouldn't listen to that.

I'm currently going through the dreaded extreme hunger phase, which is partly why I'm so bloated lol. For the first few days I've been alright with it but it's like the 4th day of my mind and stomach both screaming for food like vultures and tbh I'm starting to feel kinda guilty about it. I realise that it's a part of the process and that it's good for my organism and that my body is trying to repair itself, but my ED is slowly rearing its ugly head and scolding me a ton, saying that I'll gain weight, trying to convince me to look in the mirror, etc. So far I've been able to resist and I also keep reminding myself that I SHOULD gain weight because I've been horrfically underweight all of my life and I'd be much better off at a healthy weight. The only problem that keeps weighing on me is that I have a really big issue with folds. Even though folds are completely normal and everyone who's not very underweight has them when they slouch or sit, my mind has somehow become convinced that rolls mean being fat. I'm not sure how to get rid of that mentality. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Another thing I found out is that I might have to give up romantic relationships for the time being. Even though I've struggled with anorexia for most of my life, going through on and off phases, my last relapse and the worst I've ever had occurred after I got into a relationship. Specifically it seems that a lot of my behaviour hinges on the obsession with being "perfect" for my partner. I can't let go of thinking about needing to be as thin and hourglass-shaped as possible for my partner, and I can't let go of the fear that if I get to a normal weight and perhaps lose some of that hourglass look, he won't find me attractive anymore and will leave me. I'm like constantly horrified of the possibility of being seen naked or in tight clothes, I'm plagued by the desire to be as attractive to him as possible and then to stay exactly like that for as long as possible. I attempted to talk to him about it before considering breaking up, but he made it clear that he doesn't wish to discuss my mental health problems with me, and as much as I'd like to, I can't just turn this problem off with a flip of a switch. So I decided that I'll most likely break my relationship off and stop dating altogether until I manage t somehow fix my chain of thought. At least I personally think that's the best solution for now.

I definitely don't mind you sharing! I usually do post things my followers choose to share, since I think it can really help create solidarity among the ED community. It can show others that they are not alone, and sharing recovery tips is always a plus too!

It seems like you've got some great harm reduction strategies in place in the form of avoiding scrutinizing your body while you prioritize getting regular nutrients into you again. That's really important. I think you're right that you will eventually have to learn to be able to view your body again, but if you just need to avoid visual triggers in order to eat better, that definitely comes first. You might want to practice just falling in love with your body exactly as it is - as the vessel that is doing its best to take care of you and keep you alive.

So, for example, if you did catch a glimpse of yourself and you happened to notice some recovery bloat or other triggers, you could take time to say to yourself, "That is my body doing what it needs to do to heal me. My body is trying its best to make me healthy and well, and this is what it needs to do." I think body image issues are something shared by all people who are going through health issues, since bodies do tend to do weird stuff while they're healing. Illness is only pretty on TV, not in real life.

Maybe when your ED is scolding you, you can take some time to examine where those thoughts are coming from? Like you could say "I wonder if I should be scolded for enjoying my food as humans do?" Or "I don't think it's such a bad thing to allow my body to heal." Don't try to fight the thoughts or stop them from coming, even though they're hard. Just gently challenge those thought patterns so that you can adjust your thought patterns gradually and become more aware of them. This is what I'd suggest especially when you start thinking about things like rolls, which seem to be a big trigger for you. You can perhaps engage with the thought directly, and say things to yourself like "If I need to hurt myself to pursue a roll-free body, is that something really worth pursuing?" Keep in mind that, since you're deep in ED thoughts, your mind might respond with "yes." As I mentioned before, trying to fight off negative thoughts will only give you more anxiety around them. Instead, acknowledge them, consider what feelings are causing them. The negative thoughts will not change overnight. It will take practice.

I'd also suggest, and this may take practice since it sounds like you've struggled with fear of fatness for a long time, that you just take a moment, when you have the capacity for it, to address how you have learned to think about fat bodies. Do people who are truly fat deserve less love, less respect, less estimation of worth? Society may have taught you that they do, but I think it's time to challenge that. Again, your mentality won't change overnight, so don't beat yourself up.

Lastly, I think it's so, so strong of you to prioritize your health over this relationship. That is such a hard choice to make! But honestly, even though it's really difficult now, I think you will realize down the line that someone who doesn't want to talk about/support your mental health is someone you can't build a healthy relationship with down the line. I hope you get lots of quality time to spend just pouring lots of love and energy into yourself, and perhaps work with a therapist on some of the body and intimacy issues you've been dealing with, if therapy is an option for you. I hope that you get together with someone down the line who is interested in building a relationship based on mutual support!

[faerykawaii]

Today is the day everything changes

I used the lurk here in the ana community scrolling endlessly through photos, desperately searching for the inspiration I needed to keep going. But who am I kidding… I know that really every time I came back it was to guilt trip myself after what I’ve done. Rarely was I able to “keep going” it was always the return after a binge, stuffing my face full of food like an out of control monster. I would always somehow manage to convince myself that “today is the day I will start and won’t stop until I reach my goal!” All the hate and disgust from my last binge was enough to fill me with motivation, or at least for maybe a day it was. Just like every other time before, the cycle would repeat itself, leaving me drowning in the same despair I had been in the days and months before.

But things have been getting worse and worse ever since this all started. I used to be able to go all day without eating and maybe have a small binge in the evening, but not enough to cause weight gain. Somehow that one binge was just the right amount to keep the number on the scale from changing. But that drove me crazy. All I wanted was to see it drop, but I somehow couldn’t do it. Honestly I don’t know what happened but now I have been binging multiple times every day in secret. Everyday as soon as I get home from school I grab all my favorite snacks and foods and sneak up to my room to eat them without anyone ever noticing. And when I say snacks I don’t just mean a granola bar or bag of chips. I mean sandwiches, bagels, plain slices of bread, whatever carb filled leftovers I could find in the fridge, bowls and popcorn and goldfish, cheese and so much more. That would usually hold me over until whatever my parents made for dinner. But even after all that I would usually grab something else to eat maybe an hour or two after dinner. And lastly, I’d pretty much repeat the same binge as the fist one late at night while everyone else slept. Looking in the mirror I didn’t notice much of a difference. Maybe that’s why I continued. I slowly started to realize however my clothes didn’t fit like they used to and I knew I was how much bigger. But for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to step on the scale out of fear, knowing I had gained weight, but not knowing how much. But today I found the courage and stepped on the scale, and when I did my heart dropped. I had gained 25 lbs. I knew I had to fix this no matter what it took. That is why I am here making this post. From now on I’ll will be posting what I ate and how much I weight every single day in order to hold myself accountable. I’m tired of thinking it’s okay when I mess up because at least no one else knows. Now I don’t have the choice to mess up without knowing I have to create a humiliating post about it. So I figured I should start out with this:

Height: 5’6”

Cw: 163.5lbs

Waist circumference: 32 in

I feel utterly disgusted looking at these pics. Honestly i wouldn’t even mind criticism about them. Tell me how fat and ugly my body is… I want to hear it. Maybe it’s just one more shove, making sure I won’t quit, ever again.

[purplebirdsees]

Warm-up 1: Whatever - Part 1

Hello! I am Citron! Yes, again!

Remember my notes? If yes, good job! If no, why?

Thanks!

(citronslation: basically, this is kind of an excerpt of this piece of fiction, written by my boy tsuzuru. you don’t need to read it to understand this one but pls do bc quality of life u get me yeah. ok. thanks.)

(footnotes were not made by tsuzuru, unless stated otherwise) (theyre mostly itaru)

Children, without exaggeration, are horrible beings.1

It’s always those kids you just stumble on, maybe in a convenience store, or in an absurdly long line from the cash register, or even during church, especially during Sunday Church (my parents aren’t Catholic, but my grandparents father’s side is). As soon as I step foot on the Church’s white and gold tiled floor, my immediate response is to look around on every single pew for someone who may look like my age. I’d feel relief if they were sitting out of sight, but if they weren’t.… Well, usually, I’d try to avoid eye contact as much as I can, but whenever I accidentally glance at them, they’d always have that smug look, with the straightest posture, and the loudest, most obnoxious singing. Sometimes, when they’re near enough for me to hear, I’d catch a few words they’d whisper loudly to their parent. Usually, it would be along the lines of, ‘We’re going to (insert fast food chain name here) after this, right?’ like it added to this nonexistent leader board on who is the best kid in Church.2

I could go on and on about my horrible Church experiences, but somehow, none of those were the ones that struck a nerve more than that one time in a bookstore.

It was a week before classes started, and as much as my parents wanted to scrounge as much of last year’s school materials, the pens and notebooks either had only a sliver left of its use or was completely depleted. Mom had to double check it though, as she gathered all we had in a cardboard box. After her third inspection, she said she could debone the frayed used notebooks to separate as much of the blank papers to make new notebooks. Which was the reason why she decided that dad was the one who should do the shopping instead, which in the end he did do, but we had to try to convince her that the old and used were completely unusable and should be left to retire. After a few prying and pleading, we were able to sell the whole box to the waste courier.

I was appointed to go with dad to the bookstore; the others had to help mom with the kitchen… and to make sure she won’t chase the waste courier and end up blending up all the notebooks into a pulp to make new paper.

She did this before, but her faux notebooks were extremely unusable because the paper was too thick, and for some reason, felt a little wet and made the ink bleed into the pages. During the first week of classes, my school bag smelled of wet dog, and every time I had to take down notes, I wish I didn’t. The moldy smell would make my seatmates turn their heads away from my direction. Even the resident class clown once remarked how ugly the cover of my notebook was, saying it looked like his grandmother’s post-chicken pox skin, puss and all. One afternoon, just as I was about to arrive home after school, I remember passing by Tadoru and Meguru sitting by the riverside, their backs hiding their guilt ridden yet determined faces. At that point I knew, and the absence of the wet, moldy dog fur smell was enough evidence.

Like an unspoken vow, we made sure we never, under any circumstance, let mom DIY anything. 3

-----

1 Understatement. They’re dickheads, actual hellspawn. I have never met a kid who was genuinely kind, they ALWAYS have an agenda at the back of their pea-sized brains. I’m qualified to say this because I’ve been a tutor example? Sure, but im tired so no (actuallly I don’t have to prove myself you literally juST READ A PRIME EXAMPLE WHY)

2 When they say yes, ding-ding-ding! Wow! His parents ACTUALLY love him enough to buy him food! As if that isn’t the lowest bar, bare minimum a parent should do f[word redacted due to profanity] mot[word redacted due to profanity] why don’t I f[words redacted due to vulgar language] mom then once im your step dad ill kick[words redacted due to vulgar language] space until yo[words redacted due to vulgar language]eath

3 [tsz] wording feels awkward/weird

part 2

[ankhisms]

oh actually now that ive posted the edit of those scenes heres my final thoughts on that drama in general

my general distaste with the shows plot and its mindset still remains the same, halfway through editing the scenes together i started to go "well maybe im being a little too harsh, the protagonist is a sweet character who i like and im rooting for, maybe the show is going to address the issues i have" but nope! almost immediately after thinking that the show was like dont forget if you dont wear makeup and dont try to be conventionally attractive you will be ALONE FOREVER and there was a scene at the ending where its a year later and the main character encounters a girl whos wearing the same kind of outfit she was wearing in the beginning of the show with the same haircut and she goes "you can change if you want to (:" and im gonna be honest with you if i bumped into someone in an airport or a subway station and they looked at me and went "oh you poor thing :( dont worry if you want to try and be less ugly you can! you can change and be pretty" i would rip their face off. in fact i have had similar things happen to me but thats besides the point anyway thats just an example of my biggest issue with the show and its plot/mindset, aside from the obvious obnoxious heterosexual drama weirdness

but anyway onto what we all really care about. i said this before when i first tried to actually watch this show (for the record i basically spedran watching the episodes for my edit i had it on fast speed to get to where fuwaris scenes where and then clipped them so i did see all of it but really fast) it would have been a MUCH better much more actually interesting show if fuwari was the main character. even just as a side character shes far more of an interesting character than the rest of the main characters its like yeah yeah whatever love triangle can you guys move over i want to see what fuwari is up to. it couldve been a much better show if it was centered around her and about her encouraging her niece to come out of her shell and enjoy her life. also i do not want to be mean when i say this because you all know im an actor i try to not be too harsh when it comes to younger or less experienced actors performances in things im watching, but well. i liked the protagonist and her performance she was fun. but really ryon is acting circles around everyone else in the cast which makes sense but everyone else is so stiff and not as convincing as he is which again. fuwari really is the best part of this show i can not emphasize that enough. thats why i made this edit. the show is not worth watching i promise you

also as a disclaimer i know im not the target audience of this show, its target audience is high school girls but i would have been its target audience in the past and honestly it makes me sad to think of a young girl who like myself in highschool would have been described as "an ugly poison mushroom" watching the show and thinking that she has to completely change everything about herself in order to be loved or liked in any way. it just breaks my heart yknow. like the protagonist is fine in the beginning!!! she looks perfectly fine!!! she does not have to change anything about herself she is already worthy of love! ok enough ranting

anyway tldr dont watch that show its not good. ryons performance was predictably very good because hes an excellent actor. hope you all appreciate all my fighting in the trenches to create this gift unto you all i am wildly bisexual

[coredrill]

gravion thots!!!!!!

okay huge spoilers for both this show and bravern below. BUT. so like i said before i’d actually already seen gravion a while ago and decided to revisit for zwei since the possibility of bravern getting a s2 is. not unlikely probably? seems like it prints money in japan so who is to say LMAO. and tbqh i don’t think there are like. very many similarities? or very much to glean abt potential bravern s2 from zwei? like i’d say on some level that bravern itself feels more like zwei due to bravern feeling like a complete story meanwhile the first season of gravion really doesn’t. LMAO. HOWEVER, i could def see s2’s plot being abt finding out Where the deathdrives come from and Why, kinda like the sandman-hugi-lambias plotline in zwei

honestly at first i thought that gravion and zwei must’ve been greenlit at the same time and just paced in a baffling manner cause why else would the actual plot only start like halfway into zwei? but apparently zwei was actually greenlit after gravion was done so idk why all of the Lore Ideas were saved like that LMAO. honestly it’s mostly just interesting perspective to look back at bravern on at it exists without a s2 - i get the feeling that obari wanted to make sure that none of his ideas stayed on the table, in case he didn’t get to make more, hence why it is so fast-paced and there is so MUCH in there. and i ALSO get the feeling that koyanagi did even more of the work to pull a coherent, consistent, evenly-paced plot out of all of obari’s ideas than i had previously thought and everyone owes him a BIG thanks for making sure that bravern is actually a good show. LMFAO. anyways i said it before and i’ll say it again but koyanagi based as fuck!!!!!!!

ANYWAYS. okay. bravern discussions mostly outta the way so now the rest of the post will be mostly just gravion >:)

i think if i am being honest with myself that gravion is probably a 6/10 and zwei is an 8/10 HOWEVER. zwei REALLY comes together quite beautifully in its back half which leaves the whole affair with a very good aftertaste so to speak AND. i know i joke about “2000s digipaint ecchi mecha show” but there is truthfully something so full of heart to me when it comes to shows that fit that description lmao. ttgl and diebuster are very much the pinnacle of that and while i think they are better shows than gravion, and have more to say, gravion has that same soul to it? like there is such a deep-seated love for every single person, and an unwavering belief that in spite of (and sometimes because of) their flaws, they are capable of anything when they work together!!!! and that fucking GETS me about the super robot genre, just that optimism born of refusal to take the world as it is and to forcibly make it better with all of the people around you!!! if we kick and scream and fight like hell, we’ll move forward a little bit!! surprising absolutely no one who knows i am a rossiu enjoyer, the scene where sandman is convinced he needs to die and then all the people who he has genuinely wronged talk him out of it had me ugly sobbing lmao. super robot anime are beautiful!!!!!!

however now for the things that bug me about gravion cause the number is. not insignificant 😭 i feel like there is a truly excellent show buried in here somewhere but it got kinda mangled along the way and not all of it was able to shine and that makes me sad!!! cause tbh a lot of parts DID make it through intact and they deserve to be loved!!!! i will certainly love them with my whole heart forever despite being 20 years late to the party LMAO.

okay so first things first. WHY IS EVERYONE SO SECRETIVE FOR NO REASON 😭 like starting off with ayaka, i get why she didn’t come out to eiji right away due to his whole reasoning for piloting at first being that he is doing so in order to find her. okay cool! but by the end of regular gravion, eiji’s motivation has evolved? he’s finally accepted the need to Do Something about the zeravire due to the way the attack and his hesitancy impacted yumi…………he’s clearly attached enough to touga that touga nearly killing him caused him to angst for a few days…………so why can’t ayaka just tell him now? yeah it’s fun to play with her secret identity some but i think it’d still be fun if eiji got the chance to fully Know that when raven yells at him it’s really his sister and they get to banter back and forth with the Raven of it all LMAO. hell maybe she could’ve ACTUALLY piloted gravion in its other leg after mizuki left, i would’ve gone bonkers if they got to pilot together!! his quick forgiveness of her not telling him is in character for him but it’s a little anticlimactic that he’s all confused once she revealed herself cause she had no reason to keep it secret for so long 😭 especially since i’m pretty sure mizuki knew too after she and eiji had their adventure!!! mizuki coulda told him at some point instead!!! hell ep13 already feels tacked on since the ongoing plotline abt eiji running away due to touga was resolved in ep12 (i guess????? tbh they don’t really talk abt it touga just says “welcome home eiji 🥺” and then they are inseparable besties in the first half of zwei so i assume they worked it out LMAO) so why not work the Ayaka Reveal into that ep too? maybe it’s an artefact of zwei being greenlit by that point and them wanting to sit on it for a while longer, idk.

actually i say that somewhat dismissively but in the entire first half of zwei they take every instance to show that when given the opportunity eiji and touga choose to hang out together and it’s so 🥺 as long as you ignore that one where eiji is dressed as fucking pickle rick lmao. like a strong aspect of eiji as a character imo is that even though he is initially abrasive towards everyone, after he warms up and they grow closer it really does feel like he actually likes these people!!! and he cares for them!!! and he especially likes hanging out with touga which is so 🥺

anyways i think that the show could’ve really benefited from a flashback to luna’s dad’s death, and the passing of the Raven Mask onto ayaka, thus removing her from the Gravion Pilot Equation. and also that perhaps coinciding with sandman’s realization that touga’s a little freak and needs friends, so ayaka suggests eiji in her place since she knows he’ll be able to get through to touga and also likely has the gravity enzyme since she does. i think this would’ve cleared up the motivations of her AND sandman a lot AND given a much stronger foundation to what’s going on with touga…………

this also leads into my second big issue with the secret-keeping which is that. eina’s character gets completely mangled due to her proto-grand-diva nature being a surprise and it hurts the rest of the show too 😭 like why AREN’T we allowed to know that she is a clone(?) of her original self? why was she created? was it specifically to take care of touga? cause it’s also hard to believe that eina and touga are truly That close when touga’s only friend up to that point has been said to be the grand kaiser!!! like i think the grand kaiser betraying him was honestly more impactful than eina’s DEATH due to not knowing either her as a person or her relationship to touga all that well 😭😭 she has the least developed relationship with eiji too imo, which is a shame cause his relations are the strongest………though i WILL say it’s fucking hilarious to me that she represents the maids on gravion 😭 maid representation matters!!! i just wish that she had a plot or a better defined/explained backstory to connect to!!!

secret number 3: sandman. him keeping secrets about his past due to his guilt makes sense and the reveal is well-timed however that reveal is explained so confusingly and also the weird incest thing going on with him and hugi and lufira legitimately confused me as to what tf actually happened LMAO. like are any of these people actually related???? are they all related???? i have no clue 😭 also i said this before but that unnamed couple who died on lambias looking SUSPICIOUSLY like eiji and touga is fucking suspicious as hell LMAO. is sandman’s grief for them specifically what drove him to choose touga over faye from the orphanage and to seek out ayaka then pivot to eiji???? cause they look like eiji and touga if you aged them up and also if eiji was crossdressing WHICH IS NOT UNHEARD OF.

ALSO speaking of touga nearly killing eiji and also eina’s unclear role in touga’s life. i think this show tries to have its cake and eat it too with the “touga is HEARTLESS” thing 😭 which is sad cause i love his character archetype and there’s already a lot of good stuff there and i just!!!! wish it was done better!!!!!! like the scene where touga nearly kills eiji and cecile is so fucking whack cause 1) we have not yet really seen any indication that touga is Like This? no lack of care for nearby civilians that his teammates challenge, no concern for his fellow pilots throwing themselves into danger (sometimes literally with luna and leele and EINA(!!!) and the way their special attacks sometimes launch them solo at the enemy………… and 2) eiji is taking his sweet fucking time saving cecile 😩 like he gets to her and then sits there for a whole ass minute when he coulda been actually getting outta the way and letting touga do his job!!! he has ample time to escape!!!! it really kills the dramatic tension there and the whole episode comes off so weirdly when it’s supposed to be like. the emotional focal point of the season 😭😭😭 ironically it seems like from what i have seen of SRW Z so far that they’re actually trying to remedy this a bit? like eiji has called out touga TWICE already in their very first battle for his personality change. smth smth that one tweet that’s like “they experience the exact same plots as their shows but boss from mazinger z is there” LMAO

also unrelated but that ep also has the scene where eiji’s like “hey eina doesn’t it bother you that luna and touga are so close 🤨” and i’ve been thinking abt it since watching this time around trying to figure out what it is supposed to be saying? and what prompted eiji to ask that? like luna isn’t into touga yet cause that happens while eiji is away. touga sees everyone platonically except eiji. eiji sees everyone platonically except touga and also leele for five seconds (and he thinks “she’d be cute if she smiled” as if touga doesn’t look like a smiley leele 🤨🌈⁉️). eiji and luna are kept pretty strictly platonic and i fucking love them for it. so like. it COULD be eiji’s interest in touga prompting him to ask that but i honestly doubt it? like they had their ep6 date but i genuinely don’t think he realizes how much he cares for touga until touga tries to kill him and hurts him on that personal level LMAO. so it would be weird to have eiji consciously foreshadow/lampshade that here. which just leads me to believe that it’s supposed to be implying that EINA is into touga???? since there was also an earlier scene with her and the other maids where they asked if she liked touga and she got flustered? but like then in zwei she is pretty strictly assigned to being his one and only friend-mom-caretaker who he cares about so much even though he is heartless. IDK 😭😭 this scene just confuses me more the more i think abt it i think. weird ass episode!!!!!!

i think the main thing for me that really holds it back is the just. total lack of desire to do anything interesting with the theme of gravity 😩😭😭 like i guess you could SOMEWHAT say that it exists on an interpersonal level on the protagonists’ side mainly cause eiji manages to stick with the ppl he cares about HOWEVER it has absolutely nothing to do with the zeravire. or hugi. or lambias. or the genocidron. and even the bit about gravion breaking apart when it’s taken too many hits could’ve been explored a lot more imo!!! gravity as a scientific theory has SO much storytelling potential and it’s genuinely disheartening that none of it was used 😭 we never even really see the extent of sol gravion’s power either!!!! which kinda undermines eiji being put there cause he’s Earned It and just kinda makes it seem like the switch is 100% cause touga experienced zwei ep4 and was like “actually i think the only other person who i want to have access to the grand kaiser during battle who could potentially wrap their arms around me from behind is eiji. this is the perfect idea since i think he’s a little too far away from me in the right leg and it freaks me out when we’re in battle and i’m not physically close enough to protect him. i need to tell sandman about this Now” which is cool cause i love them but i would’ve ALSO loved to see a moment where eiji is either tested as the person to pilot the Willpower To Power mecha OR where he is able to use that power in a moment where there is no other solution for them. eiji just got a cool promotion, let’s let him use it!!!!!

anyways the good stuff now!!!! i feel like this section might be shorter but there IS actually more stuff i like in this show than dislike however i just have more notes abt the things that could be improved LMAO. okay so first off i fucking LOVE eiji he is an EXTREMELY good “heart of the team” character. imo. he’s literally the opposite of a deadbeat dad cause he went out one day to go look for touga in the bigass city and came back with mizuki and luna too 😩 best fucking boy!!!!!!!! i love that he’s not naive either, like tbh a character trope that grinds my gears is “too good for this world too pure never has conflict ever” and while that’s usually associated with having a big heart i LOVEEEEEEEEE that eiji gets to be all heart AND be abrasive and angry and fuck up!!!! he’s seen some shitty things about the world and yet is so quick to forgive and love and care!!!! i love his friendship with leele where he’s like a bit of an older brother to her and yet when he runs away SHE’S the one to come call him out on his shit (mirroring his own ethos) and he listens to her!!!! i love his friendship with mizuki where they get to connect over knowing ayaka and even though mizuki doesn’t tell him everything, it feels like they hold high respect for each other through ayaka!!!! i love that when mizuki leaves the EFA that EIJI is her first call cause she knows that even if everyone else has fallen apart that he’ll still be there to scrape the pieces back together, and i love that even though she’s just betrayed them eiji forgives her and trusts what she has to say about where touga is and where they should meet her!!!! i LOVEEEEE his friendship with luna, in that they grind each other’s gears cause they are so similar but grow to really respect each other and in zwei have some of the most genuine and honest conversations together because they trust each other so much!!! like they CAN confide in each other (mostly about touga lmfao) without yelling cause they respect each other, but also their edges don’t get smoothed over and they both still get to be annoyances towards each other too!!! honestly i fucking love luna too, like she and leele kinda got the shaft in s2 for Touga Love Triangle (lmfao) but genuinely when girls are like. THEY think they're the Responsible Mature ones and they are 100% capable and determined meanwhile they have moments where they can be just as childish and abrasive and immature as the guys around them is one of my favorite types of Anime Girl tbh. yoko-core rain-core yknow!!! anyways back to eiji he and SANDMAN have such a good relation too, like i love how eiji at first refuses his responsibility but once he accepts it he becomes someone sandman truly trusts and relies on!!!! eiji’s literally not sandman’s brother-in-law, he’s the brother who stepped up (MORE ON THIS LATER)!!!!!

eiji and touga though. MAN 😭😭😭 i feel like a joke mentioning how much of a Romance Hater i am at this point in the year of bravern but. it literally is true, like the first romance that ever made me actually feel things was kaworu and shinji in large part because i think that the whole “feeling alone all your life but not knowing until you find someone who is Like You and get maybe a little too intense abt it” is like. peak queer teen experience LMAO. like not even necessarily in a romantic sense, my aro ass 100% had friendships like that in my teen years, hence why it appeals to me with kaworu and shinji!! they are me and my friends and the stuff we experienced at 14!! and then smith and isami were the second and THAT one was in large part ALSO because of a highly relatable queer experience, which is the paralyzing fear of being known for who you truly are and how the people around you will perceive that, but the other people Like You love you anyways. even if you are Unconventional and Strange and Bad. and there is also the element of wanting to be more like the people who are Like You, because in doing so you become more Yourself. and also i think it’s cool that the mecha is part of it LMAO.

and now tell me why eiji and touga are ALL of those things AND have a “raised/created to be a Weapon” character AND eiji says that touga looks like an “angel” in the novel apparently AND they were doing this shit in 2004 😭😭😭 i know i have been such a menace abt them and i will probably continue to be and i’m deeply sorry to everyone who has wound up w clips of them in DMs but i’m just. jesus. FINE OBARI YOU GOT ME. I LIKE THEM. I LIKE THEM SO MUCH. their date episode is such a fucking standout cause there is smth really beautiful to me abt how easily eiji coulda dropped touga like dead weight the second his real friends showed up and he absolutely refused to do so? like you can see how uncomfortable and awkward touga is in the way he interacts w eiji’s friends but eiji just makes repeated efforts to involve touga and make sure that he doesn’t feel left out just because he’s never left the castle and it’s. really just so sweet!! and then by the end eiji is genuinely finding joy in introducing touga to new things!!!

and i could go on abt zwei ep9/10 FOREVERRRRR like ep9 being the fulfillment of eiji’s whole “if someone close to you disappears you go after them” ethos but literally for touga. and at the same time touga’s having the worst day ever until eiji literally finds him and shows up on his motorcycle all sweaty and rolls around on the ground with him LMAO. touga’s “i never asked you to worry about me!” line is fucking insane and then eiji having an extra helmet for touga to wear on the ride home is so 🥺 genuinely no wonder touga has EVEN MORE of an Eiji Complex after that moment cause he literally had to hug eiji from behind that whole motorcycle ride home LMAO. and then touga coming around 100% full circle from being like “eiji’s not really good at piloting so we don’t need him 😇” to “eiji is actually so critical to this whole gravion thing and me in particular that i want him right next to me piloting the actual literal heart cause that’s the place that suits him the best”. literally what if i let you change me irreversibly inside and out so that i can no longer exist in this world without carrying you alongside me FROM TOUGA’S MOUTH!!!!!!! touga tenkuuji the fucking Character that you are!!!!!! eiji shigure the fucking Character that YOU are!!!!!!!! fucking cataclysmic yaoi the both of you

also i can’t fucking believe obari outright said they were yaoi LMAO, like i’d say “i didn’t know he was allowed to do that” BUT well uh. we haven’t gotten gravion drei despite his & the VAs’ interest in making it 😭 as recently as last year he still wanted to make it as a web comic too……………i obviously have no clue whether him calling eiji and touga yaoi in one interview 20 years ago impacts that but it DOES stand out to me that he hasn’t yet done so w bravern. but also that just means that if i ever win the lottery i WILL be funding his gravion drei web comic cause i need to know what’s in there after 20 years. timeskip + eiji/touga wedding please!!!!!!!! do it for me and the six other people on the planet who like these dopey looking motherfuckers 😭 they’re the sun!!!!!! ☀️☀️☀️

also also it is hilarious to me that obari got fucking suzuken to be bravern (and he also auditioned for smith??) after watching a few clips of him as eiji. like genuinely do you think obari has suzuken on speed dial for when he needs a character to homoerotically yell his boy bestfriend’s name 😭😭 it does kinda make me want to rewatch in sub HOWEVER i don’t think i could do that cause the english adv dub? FUCKING INSPIRED. luna’s delivery in particular is always SO GOOD i have literally been walking around saying “what is it gonna take for a girl to get the SCOOP around here?” at the smallest confusion for weeks 😭 greg ayres as touga manages the fucking switch between Battle Mode and Silly Mode SO well, AND THEY DUBBED OVER THE MAIDS SINGING THE COMBINATION SONG THANK YOU FOR MY LIFE GRAVION ZWEI!!!!!!!! and i probably don’t need to say it but chris patton and greg ayres absolutely understood the assignment and between their performances and their contributions to the ADR script the show honestly just feels so earnestly excited about eiji and touga’s relationship and it’s. so good!!! i love that queers contributed so much to it!!!! it’s a good ass dub!!!!!!!!

like that’s actually one of the things holding me back from saying that i want a remake of the show lmfao. like on one hand i think this show is kinda prime remake opportunity since the character animation could use a TON of work, the story structure could use another pass or two, we could actually show the zeravire evolving and not just mention it when convenient, the thematic relevance of Gravity could be used a whole lot more and eiji and touga can fuHOWEVER. i don’t think chris patton does anime anymore and it’d be lacking without him to dub over eiji (if the show even got a dub since crunchy roll can not be fucking assed to dub mecha in 2024 apparently. if they even RELEASE it) 😭😭 also one of the other aspects of the show that is truly great is just how weighty gravion himself feels? like that is a HEAVY robot and i don’t think i’ve yet seen that sense of weight conveyed in 3D mech animation as well as it is here. and i don’t want to give that up for gravion cause gravity is his thing!!!! the weight has thematic relevance!!!! i am honestly somewhat tempted to do my own sort of reworking of the show’s plot + extrapolate it to a theoretical “drei” but tbh there’s no way in hell i could write that much LMAO. i just love the show a lot!!!!! and i want to give it the love it deserves!!!!!!!

anyways. i think that’s finally it except for this post-show family tree that i made which is absolutely fucking hilarious to me 😭 granted it DOES assume eiji/touga wedding and eina as touga’s mom-figure and also it ties luna’s dad to ayaka via the raven identity cause it’s funnier that way but that means that 5 of the 6 grand knights are now related in one way or another. LMAO. some highlights:

eiji and sandman are brothers in law

luna and leele are step sisters which is honestly cute as hell

ayaka is now leele and luna’s step mom and EIJI is leele and luna’s step uncle

post eventual eiji/touga wedding touga is ALSO leele and luna’s step uncle. which means those poor girls have to pilot gravion with their gay uncles 😭 also touga is sandman’s brother in law and idk what to even say about that one LMAO. eina now being eiji's aunt is kinda cute as hell tho im afraid

my tiny pea brain may have done this wrong however i’m kind of obsessed w the idea that the grand knights have the most bizarre found family dynamic known to man EXCEPT for mizuki who somehow made it out unscathed LMAO.

[sunsetika]

picking up the pieces

the very reason i have been going back to taylor swift songs for comfort (aka a very, very long vent coping with heartache from a breakup)

it's been a whole week since the person whom i thought was my soulmate decided to end things with me.

and while i truly, truly understand and respect it, so much of the things that lead to this hurt me so deeply. it's left me feeling unwanted, unimportant, and so alone.

there's never a right way to go about a breakup. there's never one way to grieve, to pick up the pieces, to move on. and, as imperfect human beings, sometimes it's easy to backpedal. heck, i'm coping by posting in this inactive blog, but i needed to get this out because it hurt too much. everything is so frustrating. but i'm getting ahead of myself. context, to help me understand what lead to this.

we were immensely close friends, quick constants of one another. we it felt almost cosmic just how the world put us together and made us click. within a few months of our friendship, we started dating, and it has been such an amazing ride. i've dated before, had some crushes, was in a long-term relationship, even. but nothing compared to this. it felt like we just vibed so well on almost every wavelength, i was convinced she was my soulmate and my person.

we did as much as we could together. i became a better person with her. despite the problems i went through, everything felt alright because it was made up to me by the universe through her presence.

however, half a year into a relationship, i think things got more serious for me. life got busy for both of us, and i noticed that i have been neglected, for lack of better term. naturally, i understand. and i extend my patience as much as i could, because it is much harder it is on her than it is on me. i simply tried to communicate those needs as gently as i could, because it was the one promise i made sure to uphold: constant transparency and communication. and while we do try to patch things up, we kept falling short.

come june, when i had had enough of bringing up the same concerns only to be pushed aside. our communication, even the smallest sweet nothings, have been sparse, and we felt so disconnected from one another. i knew it was a breaking point for me, but i wanted to give her a say in this. it wouldn't be fair to call it off out of nowhere. i wanted to give a chance for her to reflect, and then we can talk again. and for a moment, it looked like we would. but things got busy again and ultimately, although we tried to enjoy our dates and all, my concerns and attempts at communicating has been pushed aside.

i try to extend my patience once more, as she did say she couldn't pour from an empty cup. that she had too much on her plate. i tried to minimize myself so as not to add to her obligations, but i do have a lot going on in my life as well. and with job application rejections and the constant dread that my life is feels like it can implode at any moment, the need for a constant grew, and my previous feelings of neglect have reared its ugly head again. i promise, i tried to trust her, and i do understand her, but truthfully, i have been let down so many times.

i snapped. i was going through a meltdown and ended up arguing with her, despite knowing that she, too, had a full schedule. i wanted to be the more accommodating person, but i simply couldn't. i fet wrung dry, and i wanted to be taken care of. i was met with coldness, and then follows the space that leads us to our breakup.

it was hell for me. i feel like i couldn't take it. but i did my best to give her the space she needed. even if it meant canceling the one last date we would've had, yet still promising that she won’t ditch me. however, she was flying abroad for a business trip for a week, and i felt like i'd like to at least be civil and wish her well. i asked for her trip details, i went through a total of 5 hours commute to see her off and drop off some stuff to relieve her colds. but she’d continue to ignore me.

eventually, it was pointed out by a friend how i haven’t respected her space by trying to wish her well. it had also made me angry, too. but it sobered me up, and i wrote a long letter expressing my thoughts—on how i understand if she cannot continue the relationship, however, i would really like to try one last time. to really sit down and talk about it.

i stopped contacting her fully, which is why i was surprised that a week after she arrived, she asked to meet up. it came quicker than i anticipated. and i was filled with so much dread. i kept asking what it was about, just so i can ready myself, but i didn’t get definitive answers. i was so terrified, and i hardly slept, marking day 1 of my ugly crying in the shower streak. however, stupidly, i chose to hope. to trust. to think that maybe i am just getting ahead of myself. that maybe she’d want to work things out, too.

when we met up, it was made clear that that wasn’t the case. she said she loved what we had, loved our bond, but had no capacity for a romantic relationship right now. asked to be friends. i felt so pained. i felt myself disassociating. i kept crying and stopping. i was honest: i couldn’t be friends yet. i can’t just switch back to plainly platonic like she said she could. it hurt a lot, but i didn’t contest it. i felt so weak. i asked if she could stay longer, she needed to go back home. i asked i can hold her hand as i walked her back to her bus stop, and she said no. we said goodbye with a hug and me sobbing on her shoulder. i went home and broke down in front of my family at the dining table. i was broken, lost, so hurt. they have never seen me like that.

i left a message saying i was grateful to her. that i loved being loved by her. that i loved being hers. i tried to be positive. she returned the sentiment. but then i realized that she had never specified if she had lost feelings for me—in which i start to nitpick everything and i asked. i was ignored, left on read. i told all my close friends, called some, and the pain kept building up from there.

the next day i cried again in public this time. i started to feel angry because it felt like she didn’t care. i was left with the task of archiving my private instagram dedicated to us. i deleted the playlist i made for her. i had to take down all remnants of her in my room (meanwhile she told me she would keep ours, because it’s all good memories). life went on for her—i found out she didn’t need to go home immediately that day and happily stopped over somewhere else despite saying i had no one to go to and felt so alone. i realized how quick she was to remove me from her bio, mere moments after i said goodbye. i felt like i was removed from my life so quick, i felt like we weren’t even friends anymore, even if she said she wanted to. i didn’t know what she meant by being friends, and i dug my own grave ruminating on everything.

it felt like she wanted to get rid of me so quickly. i can’t help but feel like i was a load she needed to get off her back. i then realized that one of the reason this sucks is it feels like she has made her mind up a long time ago, while i was already faced with the decision with no space to talk it out. and with that realization came another—that perhaps, in not answering how she now feels about me, she may have lost love a long time ago.

(and yes, i can back it with evidence. the very trigger of our big argument: as comfort, i asked for romantic affection and words of affirmation, since i haven’t been receiving any at all recently. she got mad and stormed off. we hardly see each other as it is, we barely are able to talk on chat, and we don’t even flirt anymore. our last kiss was july, and the last time we said i love you was before we fought.)

it was a punch to the gut. i haven’t felt this hurt ever. in hindsight, i should have seem it coming. but i foolishly hoped for the best, because that is what i do. what hurts worse is that she wants to use our friendship as some sort of default shield when in reality, we were much closer (and so much more affectionate) when we were friends than how we were as girlfriends in the last few weeks. it felt so disrespectful and it felt like somewhat of a betrayal.

the next few days were painful, grappling with anger and hurt and frustration. i ended up falling into a rabbit hole of videos of how to cope with breakups, what it means when they say they want to be friends, and how to deal with these. it did bring me enough clarity to realize a few things, but ultimately, there was not much comfort. only a weird silence and a looming darkness. i tried to go on with my days, but i knew i was depressed.

i then remembered that when she broke up with me, she said that she reread all of my letters where i would try to address our lack of communication and understanding. i came to the conclusion that maybe she thinks she’s doing this for me. that what i needed was to be let go because she cannot give me what i deserve. and for a moment, it felt like it would get better. until i was able to pin down what hurt the most in this matter: that she made her own decision about our relationship without me. that she already made the call without even talking to me again. and that made me feel sidelined.

i have done nothing but communicate and understand. i’ve always gave her space to navigate this with respect to her struggles. i’ve compromised, adjusted, and accommodated as much as i could. but in the end, even for this last bout, she couldn’t do it for me.

i feel like i have been a warm presence in her life. a safety net, a constant. someone good to have in your corner, because—impostor syndrome aside—i know i’m a good friend, a good girlfriend. i do everything for people i love with as much love i could give (she helped me realize that before we got together, and when i need convincing that i’m not a bad person, i remind myself of that). i am imperfect, but i always did my best to be her sunshine, her peace, even at the expense of my own to an extent.

i’m a good person to have, but not to hold. that maybe all the upkeep of having me—a not-permanently employed, adhd-riddled, late-twenties girl with strong rsd that she needs visual cues of affirmation to fight the demons in her head—was not worth any time and energy to spare, even as a friend. that i wasn’t relevant enough to make space for, and that my needs, as minimized as they are, are still too much to handle.

and that is all valid. if i were her friend, i’d tell her to prioritize herself. to save some of her remaining energy from the hustle and bustle of work for rest and recovery. i understand this. but she was the one who asked me to be in a relationship. it was my understanding that we would do our best to keep this together. in the end, we couldn’t, and i would’ve understood all this if she had tried to communicate to me better. to actually make the considerations and talk to me.

she said i deserved better. and maybe that is true.

but it’s so hard to feel like that is a genuine reason when i have constantly only been sidelined. it feels so empty when i realized she decided to go no contact at all despite her being the one wanting to remain friends. when we broke up, she told me she wanted to see pictures of her last gift. i sent them and i realized my chat was archived. i texted her verifying if she needed space from me, too, and got no response. she is no longer seeing my stories or interacting with posts, meaning she muted me.

i didn’t even know she wanted to go no contact. it hurt so much, and i knew our friendship was over for now. i had genuinely thought that, with how highly she regarded our friendship, she would still keep the connection as she expressed. but alas, actions speak louder than words. and another deeper cut hurt me—i had also lost my best friend.

it felt even worse. that she was so ready to lose our friendship. that i’m just one person passing through her life when to me, she was the one i thought i’d spend the rest of my life with. i felt so insignificant and hurt that i’m just a life lesson, just another experience to her.

all the pain of that has lead me to this: acceptance. maybe. i don’t know. i have been able to deduce all the answers i’ve been looking for and i am left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. i have no interest in trying to get her back—i respect her wishes. the last thing i want to do is to coerce her (especially since i always chose to do right by her and even in conflict, raise my concerns gently and kindly, as she says). i feel so betrayed that i don’t even know if i want her back.

my trust for her has been ruined, and as much as i want to see this in a better light, to accept things positively, i can’t. and it’s because she taught me that i deserve to take space, that my feelings are valid and my emotions matter that i know i cannot accept less than my energy matched. and she clearly cannot match that.

still, the pain lingers. i miss her dearly. i miss seeing her texts, her stories. i miss sending her silly memes and pictures of cats. i miss telling her i loved her and that i’ll always be there for her. she has made me so much better and i… i don’t know how to continue experiencing life without her. there is so much i want to share, even as a friend. but i think we’re meant to be apart for now, even if it hurts.

it’s only been a week since we broke up, but it’s been a month of uncertainty and loss. i have had so many fun times with other people i love and yet i’m so frustrated at how the pain constantly eclipses all of that. i feel like have been nothing but a sad blob. i have lost so much of myself this week, and i dread the weeks to come because i don’t know just when things would be okay.

i keep wondering: what if i had just kept my mouth shut. what if i stopped yapping and just accepted whatever breadcrumbs i can get, even if they were hardly bare minimum (after all, i want her in my life, right?)? but deep down i know it’s not what i deserve. and she said it, too.

ultimately, i know she didn’t make the wrong decision. i do want her to be in a better mental state, and if this is what it means to achieve that, i accept it. she is a good person with so much to give, and she deserves her peace, especially with all she has gone through. we both have our faults and shortcomings, but if this needed to happen, it needed to happen. and, to respect her peace and help me heal, i’ve decided to go no contact as well. it hurts, but it’s the only thing i can take control of right now.

i’ll just keep trying to cope with the loss. i wish i would heal faster, but we know that is impossible. i did learn, though, that the amount of pain and hurt we feel is a direct reflection of the love we shared. this simply means i loved her with all my heart, and that is all i could have done.

if you have made it through the whole story, i appreciate you so much. i couldn’t find a safe space to vent without our mutual friends being caught in it. i don’t want to put her on blast, i just needed to get this off my chest, and i feel guilty enough for crying to my friends about nothing but this the past week. i don’t want them to get tired of me because i am tired myself. if you do know her, please don’t let this distort how you see her. she is a genuinely good person and i am merely trying to cope with the hurt of losing her.

but hey, small win: i didn’t check her profile or stories today. here’s hoping that it holds up.

[a0random0person]

Fish for dinner

a few days ago i wrote a pilot for something i have in mind, i posted it on wattpad and left it there ever since. Sooooooooooo i got the idea of also posting it here. I had a lot of fun writing it but i feel like i should get better at writing characters when they're under water. 

things to leave clear is that the character is a 12 yr old and an oc of mine, also the sister but she's around her 20's. For some reason tumblr has been giving me trouble posting this.

Yeah i like fish, my favorite is salmon. older sister often cooks thee food based on what she hunts. Deer? Will be preapared for dinner. Some bird? Maybe as a snack or breakfast. Fish? She dislikes fish. Bear? They're delicious. However, i was not expecting to be the one hunting this time, i have never done it before! Atleast not by myself. Sister will always, like every single time without exception, take me to hunt with her, and i like it, it’s so cool seeing her use her bow and kill thee animals with one single arrow. She's impressive like that. But all that coolnes she irriadates isn’t enough to keep me from being… a little bit impulsive, but it’s not my fault, i just looked at a rock path while we were hunting together, though it would be nice walking down that way and did it! And i was sneaky enough for sister to not notice. Okay, let me tell you what happened, because it was a LOT. “SISTER! Where are you?” my voice came more quiet than loud, which annoyed me, obviously. “SIST-” a sound interrupted my second call for her “sister?..” then it went on again, a sound that was like a mix between a growl and water moving, and it came from deep within the forest. It is tempting search for the sound.. Tempting enough to convince me, monsters aren’t real afterall. I walked between the trees, looking all around for any signal of what might have done such weird echo. Only two minutes in i saw a lake, then the same sound tingled my ears again, it was then when i knew that growl was coming from the big lake. Only someone stupid would risk it and ignore the sign near the lake that said ‘DANGER AHEAD, AVOID AT ALL COST’. Good thing I'm not smart. As a matter of fact, i only have a damaged spoon with me to defend myself, and the spoon doesn’t even look like a spoon, it looks like a fork, a malnourished fork. At least it’s sharp… my shoes were getting dirty with each step i took closer to the lake, the silence in the forest disturbing, now im face to face with the lake, glaring back at whatever is in there. “Coward! face me!” i attempted to get the source of the sound to appear, but of course the thing is a coward, who wouldn’t be afraid of the great future heroe Adam hor- All thought i had was interrupted as i was abruptly pulled into the lake by something, It's awfully cold and too deep, so deep that all i could see was a dark blue almost as if i was deep in the ocean, and i can see what pulled me in and the same thing doing the sounds. Big, really big, a reptile like monster with a long neck, its eyes yellow and intimidating, the teeths enough to break throughout steel. The water muffled my scream as i swimmed sideways and barely avoided a bite from the monster. i had to escape this, AND FAST. My feet kicked as i tried to reach the surface before the long neck monster could try and go for another bite, or else i might be the one for dinner. But my body was too small for me to swim in time, of course it was! The thing was already going for it and here i was, hopeless and… no. What would my sister do? She would think of a plan and get rid of this thing and make it for lunch, i need to think like her, she’s a heroe, my heroe! Rolfus (i’ll call the monster rolfus, an ugly name for an ugly creature) was merely centimeters from eating me whole, but at the last second i managed to almost avoid it once again. his or her mouth catched two fingers of my right hand, i cried but the tears got lost in the endless water. My body was in autopilot when i used the fork on my other hand to stab it in his lips, if reptiles had lips, somehow the stab i did was strong enough for it to let me hold into rolfus, the beast now trying to get me off but couldn’t.

The gods must know why, but at my birth i was blessed with a body stronger than the rest, and not only was it physycal strenght, no no no.. It was on everything! Endurance, skills, speed, beauty (not to brag), strenght. It never came in handy (except on getting the ladies, and also men for some reason) but at this moment of life or death it came to my rescue. Using the fork once more, i climbed to rolfus eye and stabbed it, causing a loud roar to leave him. i would have gone deaf if it wasnt for the water. With all the adrenaline in my body i pulled strong enough to dettach the eye from its socket and lost my hold on rolfus, the currents pushing me upwards near the surface. i remembered that I'm a mammal and not a fish, so without hesitation i swimmed and left the lake, running away with now the eye of that monster and with the lack of two fingers, and a bleeding hand. If running was a job i would be a millionare. i only stopped my legs from moving when i heard a familiar voice in the distance. “ADAM!” I turned to look at the voice, staring back at my sister pacing towards me, and in one swift look she picked me up “what is wrong with you!? you shouldnt have-” her expression changed from worry to total shock as she saw the state of my hand and what i was carrying. ”Adam-” my body felt weak, tired and exhausted, but i still have some little energy to speak. "I want fish fork dinner"

[gracefullou]

I wonder if yall realize u lot act like harries sometimes... Even if liam deserves to be ignored (cause we all know hes an ab*ser) yall woud STILL want louis to ignore him publicly even *if* we didnt know about mayas statements. Kinda like when harries celebrate that harry ignores liam time and time again. Louis will never be that guy btw, hes actually kind :)

That is so not true. In fact, out of all the fandoms, louies were the nicest to Liam. Nowhere near as bad as hrries that's for sure. Louies would never tell someone to k*ll themselves and try their hardest to tarnish their reputation and career just bc they made a comment about their fav's clothes. And if i speak for myself, for the longest time i was actually very empathatic towards Liam bc i've seen all the shit that's happened to him in 2019. I've seen a person in need of serious help (and certain people ykw turning their back on him). But saying that, there comes a time when you just can't look past a person's mistakes bc yes, he needed (s) help but he has to seek it, he has to at least attempt to do better, be better. Unfortunately, there was and still are no indications of that. The man just kept doing problematic things and when it comes to Louis, well he never supported him and honestly straight out uses him for 1D points (remmember how he deleted the aotv post but never his posts praising the almighty Hrry Styles and don't tell me bc he received hate bc i was shocked to see not only ot5s but louies fawning over that post). Still, i tolerated him for Louis' sake bc as you said Louis inspires kindness and loyalty even if they're sometimes misplaced. But after that latam circus? No way in hell. No more excuses for him. Not only the man is an abuser, but the way he so disgustingly invited himself to Louis' tour and used him to blow off the heat coming his way for Maya's book? so shamelessy walking around taking pics with fans and singing that 1 dead song over Louis for his gf to post after? The way he not for a second stopped to think of his "friend", that maybe he shouldn't involve him in such a mess? bc trust me he knows how the 1 deaders fandom works and ot5s did not disappoint. They did their damnest best to convince themselves and others that Liam is an angel that could never do something like that bc look! he's at Louis' concert Louis still loves and supports him therefore he can do no wrong 🥺(the way directioners somehow project Louis' kindness and morals over the rest of that band needs to be studied btw 😬). So, yes i will celebrate Louis ignoring a selfish friend who never gave him back half of the love and support Louis has always publicly showed him. Even before the abuse allegations but especially after that. Some louies were "disappointed" when Liam showed up at Louis' shows seeing it as a sign of support but my man never disappoints 😌. Not only am i happy that he ignored Liam's existence but proud as well bc he didn't allow his misplaced loyalty to cloud his judgement. My man is no supporter for abusers, not even his ugly ex-colleagues <3

[nonnata]

im aware that whenever i post these things people hate them and they dont like it because it's bad and that's why there's an attempt made to ignore them so i just sound like im losing my mind. yes i am talking to you (the people following this blog).

i guess its better than how it used to be where i would try to empty my thoughts with her and she would turn it around to how she had a terrible life because everyone assaulted her always and that its only a matter of time before it happens to me too and that maybe actually it has already happened? and i just havent told her? because obviously the ways i'm feeling and acting when i'm isolated with her in a house are because ive been raped and not because she made me feel scared and isolated and tried to convince me that someone has hurt me because oh my god i can hear it all in her voice she's actually never going to leave. she'll never actually die for me especially with this no contact bullshit someone is gonna phone me someday and say she's dead but she actually wont and she'll be in my head forever until i finally die and you know what i'll bet she was right and that the afterlife is real and she'll stick me to her for eternity just as she always wanted and i'll want to kill myself all over again because it actually wont end and will ever be okay. fat or thin or pretty or ugly or wanted or unwanted or happy or sad or safe or afraid it wont matter because i'll be her no matter what i do.

[meditating-dog-lover]

Flareup 03/24 (tw blood)

Eczema is an ugly disease, but I'm using my blog to share what helps my skin heal because healing is 100% possible. I've healed myself in the past, and I'll do it again.

Like I said yesterday, my skin has gotten quite better. I'm very happy about that. There is still inflammation on my hands, but the redness and dryness is subsiding. Inflammation is a very hard viscous cycle to break, but it is possible. I would say my hands are the most inflamed out of all my body parts that have been inflicted with eczema.

I'm avoiding products with cocamidopropyl betaine, supplementing with anti-inflammatory nutrients as well as eating a predominantly anti-inflammatory diet, avoiding and limiting my consumption of certain inflammatory foods, and am taking a liver support supplement to aid in liver function boosting, hence detoxing.

I know it takes a while for supplements to kick in. So I'm giving the liver supplements a month or so to really work on my skin. Thankfully my skin is less dry and red and a few stubborn spots of inflammation and dryness have healed and are disappearing (my neck, chest, ear, and right wrist). I've noticed them disappear this week, so either my new soaps or the liver supplement have helped since those are the only new things I have changed. Even my moisturizer but that will only temporarily keep my skin hydrated and won't stop the inflammation source altogether. So it has to be one of those 2 things, but I am convinced it's the liver supplement.

However inflammation is a viscous positive feedback loop cycle. When you have inflammation, your body wants to produce even more. So I'm not 100% inflammation-free. Unfortunately I had a flareup just now. The gentle scratching I mentioned in my previous post was not sufficient to address the itch, so I had to rub my hands and fingers on my carpet. My skin became bloody and oozy, and my rug has blood stains that I need to worry about cleaning later. I wiped the blood off my hands and applied zinc oxide cream, which does a great job in absorbing the blood and oozy liquid as well as healing the skin.

While this wasn't great, at least my skin is starting to look better. Supplements don't work overnight and the viscous inflammation positive feedback loop/cycle doesn't end overnight either. It can take weeks up to a few months. So I'm hopeful, despite this flareup and bloody mess, my skin will experience a shift towards healing. I'm going to continue the new soaps and the liver supplement (thankfully I'm not dizzy nor nauseous today, it may have been the supplement but I'm feeling better today) and continue eating and supplementing with anti-inflammatory foods and nutrients and limiting my intake of inflammatory foods.

The next steps are the wait for a month, and then address stress management and gut health. I'm going to eventually take a gut health supplement after I see my results, so even that's going to take a while because I have to speak with my doctor in 2 weeks, wait for the test to be delivered to my house, wait for the results to come back, take some time to find a supplement, and then wait for the supplement to show any effects (1-2 months). And stress management takes time too. But in the end I will move towards longterm healing and my skin will look much better thanks to the anti-inflammatory diet and supplements, liver and gut health.

I want to wait for that 1-2 months of the influence of the liver supplement on my skin before jumping to gut supplements so I don't mix and confuse them.

My hands may look bloody, but they will heal 100% with time and addressing my health. I've healed before and I will heal again. For short-term skin-level healing, applying zinc oxide and Aquaphor will heal the open, oozy skin overnight. My hands are now covered in zinc oxide and I have drips of blood and oozy liquid coming out, but it will heal very quickly. And even if it does, it does not mean that the inflammation is going to 100% go away, because that takes time and also requires me to address my gut health and anxiety.