#posting at 3am because I am STILL up after my dog woke me up

[teresiel]

More Raven. Can't get enough of drawing her!

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

Hello! I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfy but I was wondering if I could get a bit of advice? From your recent posts, you said you left your home from toxicity and just bad things in general.

I’m in a similar situation, but my dad will be taking me away from my mom. And I just know it’ll be a shit show. And I’m absolutely terrified when we tell her and what the backlash will be afterwards towards my brothers and me and dad in general

How did you do it? How did you take the leap? Do you possibly have any advice on how to deal ?

Hello, friend!! ☀️

Thank you so much for reaching out, it means a lot that you value my advice <3

Hmm, okay from what I can tell of your situation, that is indeed a tricky one, but nothing can’t be overcome!

It’s important to remember, though, I was 19 when I left (now 20), so the way I handled things is going to be a lot different than how a minor can handle things (legally at least, feel free to replicate my insane stunts lmao)

Advice below the cut! (family violence trigger warning, I suppose?)

My entire family was and is extremely volatile, and I don’t speak to any of them anymore except for my older brother, but I’ll be cutting him off in 3 weeks too when I move.

Fortunately, my dad and brother were both kicked out of the house years ago due to violence, which left me with my mother, who’s quite insidious herself (just watch any Conjuring movie and that’ll give a good idea of what it was like living in that house lol)

I get the same feeling watching this scene as when I was around her in that house. Granted she didn’t try to change my gender, but the hatred for my father getting taken out on me is pretty accurate lol, paired with the immediate “motherly love” afterwards (she never hit me though, pleased to say — she wasn’t physically violent, just emotionally, financially, mentally and verbally. She did try to run my dad over once though, so, there’s that too)

Yikes…yeahh the same eerie feeling for sure, still makes all my hairs stand upright in memory.

(For further context this clip reminds me of my father and this one of my brother)

In the clip about my father, he definitely reminds me of Frank Gallagher, except he despises my mother instead of revering her. He’s a workaholic instead of a drug addict, too. But the mannerisms are the same. I always handled him in the way Fiona does.

Regarding my brother, I think everything about our family hit him the hardest, despite being the oldest. He developed a very violent streak, and has very poor impulse control. I love him dearly but he’s a snake in the grass, and has thrown me under the bus multiple times to get ahead in life. I mostly just pity him, since I know what our life was like growing up. But still, I can’t defend him forever, especially not at the cost of myself. Literally yesterday I woke up to a text from him asking me to come pick him up because he got arrested for starting a fight at a bar and smashing their windows.

When things started getting pretty bad with my mother earlier this year, I started to realise in my heart that there was no way I could go forth in life with her in it. I focused on the future relationships I would have one day when far away from this town — romantic partner, children, friends etc

I sort of realised one day I’d care about them a lot more than I care about my mother, because those future people would care about me. That in turn got me realising that I do deserve love, despite how my mother made me feel, and that I don’t want her to deprive another second of that in my life.

Something very unique that triggered this too was going to go visit an old family psychic, who’s basically just the Gandalf to my Frodo (ily, Chris <3). He very accurately predicted my birth years ago after my mother was told she was infertile — he got the date, year and time right three years in advance, and even knew ahead of time what my personality would be like, which he was spot-on about.

Well, I went and visited him a few months ago because I was lost with my direction, and he ended up pausing and had a sudden feeling, which led to him telling me that he’d just found out I would be having twin boys one day.

Normally I don’t buy into that stuff, but this Gandalf dude…well I knew he was right.

Knowing I’d have sons of my own one day took me from a scared daughter mindset and into a maternal mother bear in an instant, and I knew I didn’t want any children of mine around my mother or the rest of my family, for their safety alone, which made me realise, “Well, if I wouldn’t allow my own children near them, why do I allow myself?”

I started grey-rocking her in the lead-up to me leaving, which of course frustrated her (she’s a malignant narcissist), but it was a necessary step to start emotionally detaching myself from her.

It all bottled over one night after a pretty distressing argument (I had locked myself in my room to avoid it, but she was still at my door carrying on).

My cat, who’s been my best friend for years, was sitting on the floor next to me, and sort of looked up and I swear he spoke with his eyes, saying, “You know we can’t keep doing this, right? You know this abuse has an expiry date?”

I agreed with my cat and knew right then and there that I’d be leaving that night after my mother fell asleep.

Well, when she was finally done (with threats that there’d be more in stock in the morning, mind you) I went to bed early and set my alarm to 3am (was a little inside joke with myself, since that’s biblically the “witching devil hour”)

I started quietly packing my quilt and cat up (I’d already been secretly packing the boot of my car up with all sentimental and important items weeks in advance, except she caught on and took all my baby albums and more to her boyfriend’s house, so I don’t have any baby photos or information on me when I was a baby anymore, like first words, size and just general things I’d have liked to compare to my own kids one day, rip)

Once that was all in my car, I quietly said goodbye to the old family dog and cat (they weren’t mine to take, not that I could’ve anyways, since it was troubling enough taking Buddy, who’s actually my pet and not the family one). That was pretty heartbreaking, as I knew that’d be the last time I’d see them (I grew up with them and was the only one who took care of them — mother neglects kids and pets alike lmao).

Once that was over, I looked around my house with my hand on the front door and was very melancholy, but knew Buddy was right: it had all reached its expiry date.

I left very quietly and drove to McDonalds for a coffee, as I had a long drive ahead (I had organised to be a nanny in this rich family’s house far away in the city — two hours drive). Luckily they were away on their country farm 4 hours away, so I had time to sneak Buddy in.

The nanny thing recently backfired horribly because they discovered Buddy, which led to more AM escapes with my car, but I’m staying with my older brother and his gf for 3 more weeks only. Something I’ve been working towards for months now is moving to a wilderness island to live in my country’s equivalent of Bag End — a beautiful country cottage, amazing job and fantastic study opportunities.

Best feature yet: it’s 60 hours away from my hometown by car, and then you’d have to take a boat for 10 more hours!! They shall never find me hahaha

One of my friends has also told me recently that my mother has started spreading horrible, defamatory rumours about me around town, but I don’t care anymore because I’m almost out.

So, although I can’t offer any practical advice (idk if you’re a minor or not, but regardless it’s great your dad is helping you!) this is the best advice I can offer:

Find a dream and hold onto it, one that doesn’t involve your immediate family. For me it’s moving to that island and enjoying all the fresh air. It’ll push you forwards and remind you of what you’re fighting for when at your lowest.

Remind yourself there will be other people in your life, whether a spouse, friends, children or even a dog! (I’m getting a golden retriever next year 🐾) And then remember that you deserve all of them and the unconditional love they offer you.

Remember that if you don’t want your mother/family screwing those people over by proxy of her/their relationship to you, then there’s no way in hell you alone should put up with it either, as I guarantee those future people only want good things for you ☀️

There is a good life after abuse, I’ve seen it, and I know you can achieve it, too!

Be prepared for tons of backlash and bullshit — it’s inescapable when dealing with people like this, but I recommend educating yourself on narcissistic parents and tactics to deal with them.

Finding a good therapist who deals in PTSD regarding childhood abuse is important, too. I found an amazing one in the town I’m moving to, who had nearly the same upbringing as me!

So while I’m still struggling with a lot of fear (scared my mother will find where I’m working and living one day) and guilt (I feel horrible about leaving the family dog and cat behind, especially when they need veterinary help, only to then go and get myself another puppy) I understand I’ve done the best I can in a very abnormal situation, and that I can only do better from here.

Also, this song has been a saving grace when going all angsty over wanting to leave your current situation:

It’s from my favourite Broadway Musical, “Newsies”, and lemme tell you — discovering this as a 17-year-old when I was just starting to realise the severity of my situation was pure divinity.

Jeremy Jordan, my beloved Broadway Bard <3

When I finally get my cottage, I’m getting a wooden plaque with the name “Santa Fe” engraved on it, and am hanging it on my front door.

I wish you much luck and love, my little anonymous friend! And please know my inbox is open any time you need anything — vent, advice, a laugh or something else, ANYTHING, it feels good to know my past can maybe help someone else’s present ☀️

Please update me, too! I’m following your story along ardently now! (Also, be sure to take your sentimental items and store them somewhere safe away from your mother — ie baby albums, birth certificates, other paraphernalia/memorabilia etc).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must hit the road. DESTINY AWAITS!

[dirtydobrik]

a week apart - d.d.

plot: you and david are dating and you’re also a YouTuber. you come up with a video idea of spending a week apart from each other with no communication and make a bet to see who will be better at doing so.

requested: yes!  i received two different requests about essentially the same concept: 1. can u do one where the reader and david see who is better at ignoring the other lol idk of it makes sense but and 2. can u do an imagine where the reader and david have a bet to see who can ignore the other the longest ?? i feel like you might’ve done it before so sorry if u have lol

author’s note: hi! this was requested anonymously so hopefully it was something similar to what you wanted. 

if you want to send in a request for an imagine, send me a message! i am super behind on requests right now but i have a few pieces in progress that i am working on. i am hopefully back to posting daily because i am trying to get caught up. 

word count: 1400

masterlist

"Okay, just hear me out," you started and David rolled his eyes. He knew you had a crazy idea for your next video and he had a feeling he wouldn't like it. "What if we tried to spend a week without each other?"

"Babe, why on Earth would I agree to that?" David questioned, grabbing your hand and pulling you on to the couch next to him.

"I think it'll be an interesting video. You and Jason talked about doing something similar on the podcast a while back and I think we should try it." You gave him a small pout and puppy dog eyes that he couldn't say no to.

"Fine. When do you want to start?" he asked.

"Right now," you stated, like it was obvious.

"But you promised you'd be my date to the movie premiere on Thursday," David reminded you, and you sighed. You had agreed to do that and it was only Tuesday.

"Okay. We'll start on Sunday."

The week passed by slowly and David secretly hoped you would have forgotten about your video idea. But on Sunday morning, you rolled over to face David since you spent the night at his house.

"Good morning," he mumbled, leaning in and giving you a kiss.

"Morning, bub," you smiled, curling into him to cuddle for a few minutes.

"What do you want to do today? I got a good amount content yesterday so I don't need to film."

"Did you forget about my video? We're starting today," you smirked and David let out a groan.

"No, I didn't forget. I was just hoping you would forget."

"Absolutely not," you said as your fingers ruffled his messy hair.

You got out of bed and took a quick shower before making breakfast, David joining you in the kitchen after his shower. You set your camera up to introduce the video.

"Hi guys, welcome back to my channel. Today's video is a little bit different, it's going to be vlog style. David and I are going to try and see if we can ignore each other for an entire week," you started, before leaning in closer to the camera and dropping your voice into a low whisper, "In case you guys didn't know I'm dating David Dobrik."

"I am completely against this idea," David added, but you brushed him off.

"Anyways, let's go over the rules. Number one, no communication of any kind. This means no calls, no texts, no DMs, and no trying to talk to each other through other people. Like we have Natalie pass messages for the other to get. Number two, we can't hang out together or be seen in the same place together. And number three, if an emergency happens, we have a code to send to know that it's serious and we call a pause," you explained, David pouting the entire time.

"Do we have to do this?" he groaned, and you nodded.

"Oh, and also, we aren't telling anyone that we're doing this challenge so hopefully they freak out and think we broke up so I get some good clickbait," you chuckled and David rolled his eyes.

"Should we make this a bet?" David asked, needing motivation to participate in this video.

"Sure. The loser has to give the winner twenty thousand dollars, and the winner gets to plan date nights for a month." You pulled your phone out to check the time, 12:48pm. "Okay, guys. Starting now, David and I can't interact with each other for a week. Bye, bub, see you on Sunday," you said, waving goodbye to him before turning your camera off to say a real goodbye to him.

You wrapped your arms around him and stood on your toes to give him a kiss. "Miss you already," he whispered, hugging you tightly.

"I love you. See you soon." You gave him another kiss before heading out to your car and driving away.

"Okay guys, I just got to my apartment and usually I send Dave a text that I made it home safely, but I can't do that. So David if you're watching this, I'm home," you said into your camera, and you were surprised that David hadn't lost already. He was ridiculously clingy and hated being away from you.

The next time you took you camera out was at 3am. "Guys, it's 3am and I can’t sleep because I don’t have David to cuddle with," you pouted. "I'm starting to regret wanting to do this and it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours. How am I going to do this for a whole week?"

On Monday you went out to brunch with Corinna and then shopping with Carly that afternoon, and you knew David was busy on set all day, so you didn’t really have time to miss him. But around dinner time, you wished you could bring him dinner and talk to him about your day. And again, you had trouble falling asleep because you had gotten so comfortable cuddling with David.

Tuesday went by similar to Monday. You hung out with a few of the girls and went hiking with Jeff, knowing David was busy and wouldn't have been able to talk to you all day anyways.

Wednesday was when fans started asking questions about your relationship. They knew both of you were in LA but you hadn't been seen together in a few days and it was starting to worry them. A few of your friends saw the tweets about it and asked you questions, but you lied and said you two were just busy. They were suspicious but not to the point where they were worried. They knew the fans spread rumors like wildfire.

Early Thursday morning was when you heard a knock on the door to your apartment. It was just after 2am so you grabbed your camera, assuming it was David. And sure enough, he was standing in the hallway, awkwardly shifting his weight from foot to foot as he swayed. You swung the door open, David tackling you into a tight hug and peppering your face with kissed.

"I missed you so much, baby," he murmured between kisses.

"What are you doing here?" you asked, pointing the camera at him. "It's the middle of the night and we're only halfway through the week."

"I couldn't do it. I missed you too much," David confessed, holding his hands up in a surrender.

"I missed you, too," you said, turning the camera off and pulling David into your bedroom.

You woke up with David next to you and let out a sigh of relief as you curled up next to him.

After getting breakfast and catching up on the last few days, you took your camera out to record the ending of the video. "So, as you guys just saw, David was the first to crack. What do you have to say for yourself, babe?"

"I admit defeat. I guess I just can’t stay away from my girl for too long," he said and you blushed at his words.

"What did you learn from this challenge? Because I learned that I can't fall asleep with you when I know you're in LA."

"I learned that it's impossibly hard to go out of my way to not talk to you. Like anytime something happened and my first instinct was to call or text you I had to tell myself that I couldn't do it. It got to the point where I made a note in my phone of things I wanted to tell you," he rambled and then suddenly stopped, like he had just processed what you said. "Wait, you can't sleep without me?" he asked and you nodded.

"No, I've gotten so used to cuddling with you and falling asleep next to you that I can't do it anymore."

"Aw, someone's whipped for their boyfriend," David teased.

"Says the one who came over in the middle of the night," you retorted with a sarcastic smile. "By the way, I believe you owe me, you know, since you lost the bet."

"Isn't getting my love and affection and multiple FaceTimes a day enough?" David whined.

"Nope." You shook your head, before leaning over and giving him a quick peck. "You still owe me twenty thousand dollars. Getting your love and affection and FaceTimes back are just an added bonus."

[ageofevermore]

1-96

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

it’s a dual sliding door, so usually one sides open. but preferably, both doors are closed. 

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

sometimes in the summer, not often though. 

(3) Can You Whistle?

yes! 

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

well for some reason there’s a guy on my TV singing God Bless The USA

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

purple

(6) Relationship Status.

single because my favorite omegle guy won’t answer me 

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

48F / 9C

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

i woke up wishing i was still asleep

(9) How Many Followers?

835

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Sun: Capricorn, Rising: Aries, Moon: Aquarius 

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

brown / hazel 

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

no

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

obviously, i’m not completely insane

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

whatever fucking book my english class assigned...

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

i literally only have a text book by me and opening it is triggering

(16) Favourite Anime?

i don’t watch anime

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

my mom...about greys anatomy...but still my mom about christmas and my birthday. i cry alot, but i like REALLY cried about those two topics

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

chapstick, trauma, candles 

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

it’s only 10am and i haven’t even thought about breakfast 

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

yes, and then my mom yells at me because i do nothing “subtly” and the entire car shakes

(21) Favourite Animal?

white siberian tigers, snow leopards, dolphins, and now elephants

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

unfortunately. i love gymnastics, but like, i’m not trying to watch men in toboggans and swim caps 

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

anywhere between 12pm and 3am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

no, i never wear makeup because it makes me look more ugly

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

ocean

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

besides my friends i don’t really have a favorite blog, i stick to my circle and don’t venture very far 

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

bottled. 

(28) What Makes You Happy?

i couldn’t tell you...

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

without, but i always start with it on. it never lasts more then two songs.

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

dogs

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

a shade of purple from the crayola 200 pack

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

wii

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

ocean

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

hell mothering fucking year i do baby, lets take that train to hogwarts 

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

its a friends pj crop, so black and white stripped with the central perks logo

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

yup

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

save money 

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

my cup 

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

stranger things ig

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

no, those assholes scare me, but i’ve grown + released them 

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

um chile, i would follow my best friend off a cliff with no hesitation

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

all the fucking time 

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

ITS MY FAVORITE FORM OF TRAVEL 

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

the hannah montana movie

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

peanuts 

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

one direction 

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

yes 

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

yes, but it takes me forever to fall asleep 

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

yea, depends on the day and the level of scardy bitch i feel like being 

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

i love both 

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

hell yeah, let me feel the beat in my kidneys 

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

carve pumpkins 

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

no tears left to cry by ag

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

fall

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

a churro + peppermint mocha frap

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

(58) What Is Your Gender?

female (she/her)

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

iced coffee / sweet tea

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

yeah, i have environmental homework and US I homework and Algebra II homework

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

bruh, idk 

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

no, that shit’s never made 

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

jigglypuff 

(64) Favourite Social Media?

pintrest 

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

they’re okay

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

no. i don’t miss thins very easily, i’m away from home for a week and i have no doubt that i could spend the rest of my life without going back. 

(67) Are You A Virgin?

yes sir

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

idk, some really thick and heavy in hydration set 

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

sleep in my car, though both options scare me 

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

i have a strained relationship with my bio dad, but unfortunately i still have to associate myself with him a few times a year 

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

black widow or spiderman 3, but i’m willing to see anything just take me back! 

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

i’ve never had an ex, but i do wish krystian would stop ignoring me. stupid scotland boys 

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

“friends dont lie”

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

green / brown 

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

i loved swinging, but a few years ago it started making me dizzy so i don’t swing very often anymore. but tire swings especially are my shit 

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

chicken flavored ramen 

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

yes 

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

yeah...because they’re dying and if i have the skills to save them...why wouldn’t i?

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

honey, i do full virtual high school. we stan a pandemic (we don’t)

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

social media stalker is my middle name. not anymore though, i haven’t been asked to find a boy in a while 

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

no. i hate it. anxiety city man. 

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

i don’t wear rings, but i really want to.

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

closed

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

woke up, watched stranger things, made ramen 

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

whatever i fall asleep in. 

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

are beauty and skincare the same? because i don’t own much makeup. 

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

i used to be a night person. but this pandemic has hit hard with depression and i’ve become a stay in bed all day person

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

2048 balls, among us, ball sort puzzle, bubble shooter, bubble sort, color roll 3D, drag n merge, fit and squeeze, hole.io, mario kart, match 3D, nonogram.com, paint the cube, roof rails, solitare, spit, stacky dash, stair run, timber run...

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

After my moms fiance died, I had a dream that he was able to come see my fifth grade play (he died just before it happened) and when we were walking out he got into the white car from fast and furious (we watched the movies together) and said he would see me again soon, then he drove off...like talk about weird 

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

rootbeer 

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

i like a good clicking sound 

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

sweats everyday all day 

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

like a fucking wreck 

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

netflix 

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

i want a bunch of little symbols, and i think it would be cute if i got a T for my mom, but i can’t tell her that because she might think i’m going soft and exploit my show of affection (jfc why am i like this lmao)

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

colleen ballinger 

[deadgodsuggestions]

I’m finally gonna talk about why I’ve been inactive for months. 

This post is going to be solely about me, not my poetry or writing. It’s going to include themes of suicide and mental illness, as well as drug abuse and self harm, so be careful reading. 

The last time I posted was in October, and that’s when things started getting worse. I was prescribed valium, and I fell in love with it the first time I took it. I still love it. I would be high every moment of every day if I could be. But the valium would eventually run out, so I started smoking weed as well. I was working one job at the time, but eventually got another one.

These two jobs were what ended up breaking me. Some days I was working fourteen hours, which was far too much for I think any seventeen year old. My grandparents were constantly out of town. I was living in a three story house by myself, with these dogs that were never happy because no one was ever home. That house is too big to be so empty, and coming home to no one after exhausting myself hurt more than I ever thought it would. 

I was smoking every night to go to sleep, just so I could get some quality sleep. Recalling that time of my life is still triggering today. 

My breaking point was my eighteenth birthday. I was off one job, and got a piercing with a friend. I tried to enjoy myself, but had to go to my other job directly after. I got to work at 4:30 and didn’t get home until 2AM. 

The roads were icy. It was dark. I was going ninety in a sixty-five. I was bone tired, and I was convinced this exhaustion was going to be the rest of my life. I’d been planning for a month at this point to pull the steering wheel and hope my death looks like an accident. I was so fucked up that I spoke to my friend about it. He knew a shitton more about cars than I do, and he said it’d be easy for me to die in a crash. 

In his defense, he told me this with the thought that I would try to fix some of the issues. 

I called my mom instead of killing myself that night. I laid in the floor and cried, and I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard. 

I did this for the next two nights. Three nights my mom had to hear me tell her I was going to kill myself with nothing she could do about it. She was on the other side of the country, after all. 

My grandmother was in town at the time. She was meant to be flying out of town Monday morning, and I texted my aunt, her daughter, and 3AM the night before telling her I was planning to kill myself and I shouldn’t be left alone. I was afraid of telling my grandmother, and rightfully so. She was at the airport when she finally answered my aunt’s calls and she lost it. She was furious, and I was the one that got screamed at over the phone. I texted another friend and went to her house.

I still feel shitty about this. I’d just told everyone I was going to kill myself and then I disappeared, but if I hadn’t left I would have killed myself in that house. 

I stayed at my friend’s for a couple hours and played with her dog. Eventually, she and my mother convinced me to go home. 

I did, and my grandmother was waiting for me, more scared than mad now and crying harder than I’d ever seen. We spoke, and she drove me to a hospital. She stayed with me until a car came to pick me up to take me to a mental hospital. They wouldn’t let me have my phone in the car, so I stared at the moon for an hour and a half and listened to the driver’s godawful music until we got there. 

When we did, I sat in a room for close to an hour crying my eyes out. I’d gotten there during a shift change, so it isn’t really their fault that I had to wait for so long. 

Alex was the nurse that finally helped me. She had a pride pin on her uniform and the sweetest smile, and I was such a bitch to her because I was scared. (I later apologized and she said she took none of it to heart and that it was alright.) I disclosed my transness to her and she made my roommate the only other trans guy there. We’ll call him T. Once I finally tried to sleep, that was after roaming the day room for an hour to wear myself out. (It was 2AM at this point and I should have been tired, but my nerves were shot because my intake was traumatizing.)

I woke up the next day to T falling into his wheelchair. He must’ve noticed me roll over because he laughed and asked if he woke me up, to which I responded, “Just a little.”

He laughed a lot louder than before, and excused himself to the bathroom with the warning that he might need help getting back into his wheelchair. I was more than fine with helping him, and I did. We bonded that morning. 

He came with me to get a composition notebook from the front desk and boldly wrote my name and pronouns on the front of it. He seemed so happy to me, and oh so very willing to help. 

I never would have guessed that T successfully killed himself. He was dead for two minutes before they brought him back, and he was pissed off about it. I think about him every day. I miss him every day. 

He introduced me to B, who had discovered during their stay that they’re nonbinary. I congratulated them, of course, and sat around and talked about gender with them. I have their contact info. I watch their streams sometimes. 

I need to talk to them more, because I think about them every day, too. 

We went to the gym one day, with a boy we’ll call Q. He was eighteen, same as me, and lanky as all hell. He didn’t seem like the type that I would get along with, and I’ve never been more delighted to have been wrong. Q loved the idea of the occult, and I am a balls-to-the-wall pagan with a lot of stories to tell. We made a tarot deck with uno cards and I read our fortunes in the day room. We talked about the concept of god with B. It was a great time. 

I need to talk to Q more, too. He witnessed me drunk on seroquel for the first time, where I confessed my platonic love for him and told him he was my type. I have a boyfriend, so I wasn’t hitting on him. 

I’m just dumb, and drunk me never knows when to shut up. 

I mentioned my medication, so I’ll talk about it now. At the hospital, I was diagnosed with bipolar type two. I knew this would be my diagnosis. I’d known I was bipolar for years. My mother is, and now we’re on the same medication. 

I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily gotten any easier, but my struggles are different and interesting now, so I’m less inclined to kill myself. 

Q left the day before me. He wasn’t much of a hugger, so we very seriously shook hands while I told him how happy I was. 

A lot of people left before me. A woman I’ll call C, who held me like a mother would when I cried and told her I didn’t think I could do it anymore. There was a woman I’ll call P, who was a carbon copy of my mother. Hugging was frowned upon, but I probably held her for half my time there. Another woman I’ll call N. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, a real hardass about opening up. I sat in front of her and told her my story, and she told me hers. the first day we met. 

I checked up on the elderly patients every change I got, which was a lot. They usually half smiled at me. I could tell it meant something to them that someone cared enough to tap their shoulder and tell them good morning. An elderly women I’ll call D always called me sweetie in the smallest voice and to this day the memory makes my heart melt. 

It wasn’t all bad. I’ve been out for about two months now. My grandmother is making a real effort to understand my mental illness, because it isn’t an easy one. My mother came to visit when I got out of the hospital and also for christmas. It was good seeing her. 

I quit my jobs. No call, no show while I was in the hospital. I could have fought them, but I let one of them fire me. I’m still unemployed, but I’m volunteering now. I work with a dog rescue on Saturdays, when I’m in town. I made a road trip from Colorado to Arizona and met my boyfriend in person for the first time. I’m in Montana while I’m writing this, contemplating how lucky I am to be alive. 

At the end of the day, it’s difficult. But I’m glad I’m not dead. I’m struggling more with mania than depression now. My violent intrusive thoughts are prohibiting me from working with dogs as much as I want, but I’m figuring it all out. 

I’ll never really be okay, but I hope I can be stable one day. I hope I can have more good days than bad days and more mild episodes than batshit. 

I’m going to text B and Q today, and when I get home and find my notebook, I’m going to text T, too. 

[fandima-moved-read-pinned]

Would it be awesome to see you do all 100 asks? Yes. Will you do them? We shall see.

Wanna bet 

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? - More cereal than milk! 

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?- No, actually. I hate the cold ^^' And if there's cold air on my cheeks then it's on my nose and that's no good 

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? - Usually a post it note! Not very random, but it's normally what I have on hand. 

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? - Depends on my mood! Sometimes I'll take my coffee black, other times ill add a fricc ton of creamer, whipped cream, and sugar. Also sometimes I mix coffee with hot chocolate and it's amazing. 

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? - Very. 

6: do you keep plants? - Always. I still have the carnations from Valentines Day (which surprisingly haven't died yet) 

7: do you name your plants? - Nope. 

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? - just a mechanical pencil or a graphite pencil. They usually end up being sketches. But if I like how it looks I'll go over them in pen. 

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? - Yes and no? I'd do it more often but I don't want anyone to hear me. Especially my mom. 

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? - Side, always facing the wall. 

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? - The only one I can think of off the top of my head is *slap slap slap* *jumps out window*. No I will not explain. 

12: what’s your favorite planet? - Pluto! Or Make Make. Make Make used to be my favorite because me and my brother would pronounce it wrong on purpose. But Pluto is ver pretty. 

13: what’s something that made you smile today? - seeing my brother's reaction to his birthday present from me! I made a little felt monkey with bushy eyebrows (I needle felted it) 

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? - Probably very messy. But also it would constantly smell like food! 

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! - Mars is shrinking. It is Smol. 

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? - Fettuccine Alfredo with Shrimp! It's what I usually ordered at Olive Garden until I found out that it was expensive and was probably stressing out my parents. 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? - Don't laugh okay but pink! I want to dye the bottom half of my hair bright freaking pink. Like hot pink. 

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. - That time I slapped a guy twice for picking me up. That guy was my best friend. He picked me up from behind and I sorta whipped around and slapped him. The first time he didn't put me down, he just laughed. So I slapped him again. He got the hint. 

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?- I don't. I tried a while back, but I figured it would be easier just to talk to people about my issues instead of writing them down. 

20: what’s your favorite eye color? - Green. Or dark brown. 

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. - Not sure what this means, sorry. I've got this pencil pouch that has a tree print on it that I've used for a few years now even though it has a hole it it. Does that count? 

22: are you a morning person? - No. I wake up at 5:30 am on weekdays and usually don't get out of bed until I have ten minutes to get ready and leave. 

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? - Stay in my room and draw! Although I don't have lazy days. Every time my mom comes upstairs I immediately start cleaning because if I don't she'll yell at me for being lazy. 

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? - Yes. Take a look at who sent this ask. Also my other two online friends! One of them I spam with worms on a string and the other I just know I can trust and I don't know why. 

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? - the only place I've broken into is my own house. I had to climb the backyard fence to go through the back door because me and my brother forgot our keys. 

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? - My plain black tennis shoes. I need to get new ones because these ones are old and barely fit but every time I mention it, it's like I never said a word. 

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? - Candy Cane! 

28: sunrise or sunset? - Sunset! I get to see the sun setting behind the Rocky Mountains and it's really pretty. 

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? - exist 

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? - Yes. I'd rather not talk about it. 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. - socks can burn in hell for all I care. I hate socks. I only wear them if I have to (like while wearing shoes) 

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. - I remember being at a sleepover a few days before I moved (this was in South Korea) and I woke up at 3:34 am (yes I remember the time don't ask why) because one of my friends was playing Megalovania on the keyboard. Then she turned around and asked who the hell took her pretzels. They were under her pillow. 

33: what’s your fave pastry? - c w a s o a n t (with jelly inside!) 

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? - I still have this stuffed animal now (I have all of my stuffed animals. I haven't brought myself to get rid of them). It's a little pink blanket with a bunny head named Squeek. Not Squeak. I didn't know how to spell that. 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? - No. I don't have any. 

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? - https://youtu.be/7TqLXIBG-6g   not a band but still

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? - Messy! It may sound strange, but I can't find anything when it's clean. It also feels empty unless I've got stuff all over the floor. 

38: tell us about your pet peeves! - When I tell remind someone of the rules and they say "okay" and continue breaking them. Like we aren't supposed to put pans in the dishwasher because it ruins the pans. Yet my brother always puts them in there. I remind him and take it out, and he says "okay" and puts it back. I also hate it when I ask someone to stop doing something (usually when it's making me nervous or upset) and they ask "WhY?" in a really annoying tone and keep doing it. I ALSO hate it when I'm in charge and yet no one listens to me. 

I also don't like it when no one says thank you. It makes it seem like they don't appreciate me. 

39: what color do you wear the most? - Grey. I want to wear colorful clothes but the last time we went clothes shopping and I asked for pastel colors, I walked out of the store with grey, light grey, brown, and dark blue clothes. 

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? - I have a locket that I made for my seventh birthday. It has little charms in it (a rose, my first initial, a heart key, and a birthday cake) and it's gold. I love it and I don't know why. 

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? - There's a book series that I don't remember the name of but it's about a girl who is forcibly turned into a siren by three other sirens. She has to eat human hearts to live. It's kinda gorey, kinda romantic, lots of action. I love it. 

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! - Unfortunately no, I usually get coffee at a gas station ^^' 

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? - My dog Freyja! Whenever I take out trash, she comes with, and when the sky is clear I like to point out the starts with her before we go back inside. She's very sweet. But I can't stargaze for more than a minute. 

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? - Last year I went on a trip to Florida to stay with my grandparents for a week. I remember waking up one morning with a beautiful view of the ocean and the sound of waves crashing onto the shore. My grandparents have an apartment of sorts that faces the Atlantic and you can literally go down the stairs and go swim in the ocean if you want to, it's like a two minute walk, not even. I love the ocean and the sound of waves and seagulls is always calming to me. But my house is very loud and there's no peace here. 

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? - Yes. When I have a bad feeling about something, I address it. It's not always true, but I don't want to risk anything. 

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. - Sorry, I don't know many puns. I guess I'm just not a pun-ny person. 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? - fucking macaroni with bread crumsb that shit is nasty af 

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? - Storms, especially tornados. Now my biggest fear is death. Whether I'm the one dying or its someone I care about. 

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? - Not really, I don't have money to buy anything ^^' Even when I do have money, I spend it on art stuff. That reminds me that I need to fix my radio. 

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? - Fabric. I have so much and I don't even use it. But when I see a nice fabric, I get it (if I have money). 

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? - 'Old Timer Rock and Roll' (probably not the name of it) always reminds me of my dad. One day we were driving in his Jeep, just us two, and I mentioned that I wasn't a fan of the music on the radio. We ended up compromising and that song was the first one on the radio station that we switched to. 

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? - I am unfortunately not up to date with the memes. Although the ones where it's like "you've mc-ed your last Donald" or "you've ratted your last tatouille" always make me exhale aggressively. 

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? - None of the above! I've been wanting to watch Heather's though. I just never get around to doing it. 

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? - My brother. Not the same one from before. 

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? - nothing, sorry. I'm not very dramatic. 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? - when they pour their heart out about a certain subject that they love. I know a lot of people tend to bottle up their opinions but when someone trusts me aniugh to tell me all about it, it's just sorta nice. 

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? - I just sorta spaced out for the first have then did a little dance for the rest of it. I love the line "I see a little silhouetto of a man" and it's more upbeat and the music just makes me dance a little 

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? - bold of you to assume I have a group of friends 

59: what’s your favorite myth? - There's this one I heard as a kid that involves a faceless girl on the side of a highway who tries to steal faces. 

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? - I can't think of any off the top of my head, but poetry is nice! 

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? - I don't really remember. I try to only give gifts that are meaningful. 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? - nope! I usually drink milk! 

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? - I usually leave my music to its own devices, but all the books are organized by series and genre. 

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? - Blue! Just any other afternoon sky. 

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? - My older brother. We don't get to talk much. 

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? - Colorful, with a few white flowers! 

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? - Those are usually the days that I don't feel anything. 

68: what’s winter like where you live? - The weather is all over the place. A little snow, then the next day, it's like 60°F. Not even joking. It snowed Friday and Saturday was warm. 

69: what are your favorite board games? - Monopoly and Battleship! 

70: have you ever used a ouija board? - No, but I really want to. But my dad won't let me. 

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? - I don't really drink tea, sorry! 

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? - Nope. I'll forget it anyway. I usually set alarms for certain things but then I don't do it. 

73: what are some of your worst habits? - Biting the inside of my cheek and scratching/pinching my arm when I'm nervous. 

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. - kind, a good listener, talented, and understanding 

75: tell us about your pets! - We have four dogs. There's Emrys (the dog I've posted pictures of before), Cirilla (a husky German Shepard mix, very sweet), Cayde-6 (a Rottweiler mix I think, super energetic, loud, and steals food off the counter even when someone is watching), and Freyja (a German Shepard mix, puppy, also very sweet! She knows the phrase 'give hugs' and she always comes with me to take out the trash for whatever reason). I also have a Guinea Pig (who I want to get a friend for because she's lonely, but my parents keep saying no) names Neo. 

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? - Working on my Someconsious series, cleaning, and probably checking in with some friends. 

77: pink or yellow lemonade? - Pink 

78: are you in the minion hateclub or Fan club? - Hate club. I don't like them. They're just annoying and bright and their language is stupid to me. 

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? - One of my exes surprised me with a cars and roses out of nowhere. It wasn't Valentines Day, it wasn't my birthday, he just went out of his way to do something nice for me when I was having a rough week. 

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? - They're a sort of off white. I want to paint them light lavender or pale blue but my parents have only painted the living room and refuse to paint anywhere else for whatever reason. I know we can afford paint, I know we have time. They just stopped caring. 

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. - Not sure what it means by abstract, but I'll try. Her eyes are similar to the bottom of a small river. The brown in the middle with green rings on the edges remind me of a river I used to go fishing in back in Oklahoma. 

82: are/were you good in school? - I'm okay. I have all A's and B's, but I have easy subjects that aren't very hard. 

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? - I don't really listen to albums, my music taste is mostly individual songs. Even then I don't really pay attention to the art. 

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? - I want to get a quote of sort on my ankle. Something in another language so I can tell them it means something mysterious and deep when in reality it's the description of a toaster oven that hasn't been cleaned since 1995.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? - I read a few webcomics if that counts! I like Castle Swimmer a lot! Gay fish bapeys are best fish bapeys. 

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? - I don't know what those are, sorry 

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? - The Princess Bride and the Last Unicorn. But I'm biased because they're both a part of my childhood. 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? - not in particular! 

89: are you close to your parents? - I'm only close with my dad. My stepmom can go fuck herself. She just told us that's she'll be making a schedule for the next two weeks because there won't be school. One of the weeks was spring break anyway! We aren't missing much! 

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. - I like Palm Beach in Florida! It's fairly quiet, right next to the ocean, and filled with retired people who are all really nice. 

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? - Nowhere, we don't travel much. I really want to go to Florida again though. 

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? - I don't add cheese at all! It sort of ruins the texture for me. Especially the grated sprinkle cheese stuff l. I hate now it feels. 

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? - I just keep my hair down. I don't like it in any other way. 

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? - My brother. His birthday is today! 

95: what are your plans for this weekend? - cry a lot cry some more lose feelings for a few hours draw watch YouTube art videos then try not to yell at my mom like I did last week

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? - I just get it over with so I can do whatever needs to be done. Or I schedule it for when I'm not going to be using it. 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? - INFP-T/Mediator, Scorpio, and Hufflepuff 

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?- A few weeks ago. And no, I did not enjoy it considering I was supposed to be working on an important project that day. 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. - Where We Started, If You're Going Through Hell, and We Like to Numb (a mix of We Like to Party and Numb) 

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? - Future. In five years I plan on being in college and I want to see what I should be prepared for and if my interests have changed. 

This took me at least an hour and a half. Thank you though! I 

[twobigears]

Cosmic - Day 5

There wasn’t much to share about yesterday so I didn’t make a post. It was a rather boring day for Cosmic with most of the day spent teaching lessons and driving to/from lessons. I will say a positive observation that she was able to eat dinner in her crate in the car, instead of being too nervous.

Cosmic woke me up an hour early this morning. I ignored her fussing for a while because I had taken her out at 3am (I normally take the dogs out once during the night because if I have to get up and pee, I figure it’s only fair if they do too) and thought she might just be tired of being a crate after spending most of yesterday in a crate. After a bit I did get up and take her out since she has otherwise not fussed in the mornings and turns out she did need to potty. Diarrhea in fact, poor thing. I’m not sure if it is stress-related, food-related, or normal random GSD diarrhea. Since she got here her poo has alternated between normal and soft but this is the first diarrhea. We’ll see how she does the rest of today. I’m sure everyone is dying to know about Cosmic’s poo, so you’re welcome. lol.

Her impulse control is improving. She is learning she can’t have my food, though she still tries especially if it’s something that smells really good. She is learning to wait to come out of the crate, go through doors, and get her bowl. I have previously just waited for her to be still and usually she is standing, but today I am upping the criteria to sitting for her bowl. Spice Cat is the next target of our impulse control work, as Cosmic is now showing more interest and desire to chase her.

Cosmic’s alarm barking in the house has also greatly improved. I think it has helped that Ryker and Chandra have mostly realized that she is alerting to nothing and so they don’t join in. She is also getting more familiar with the home environment. She still visually alerts when one of them appears from out-of-sight, but is not vocalizing about it nearly as much, and is better about offering to turn away and come to me for a reward.

It is also time to start doing some more mental stimulation! Though she doesn’t seem quite as active as my GSDs, she is looking a bit bored now. I was planning to work through the FDSA Empowerment class with her when she was ready, and looks like the time is now!

We had one public outing today to another park. There weren’t any dogs and only a handful of people. She startled over skateboarders and wouldn’t take treats until we moved quite far away (and they weren’t close to begin with). Her public “bubble” is rather large. We will definitely take it easy on the public outings. I’m admittedly torn whether to totally say “no public outings” for a solid week or two, or keep trying to expose her in small doses. I know she hasn’t even been with us for a week yet though so less-is-more I think. Maybe no more public stuff until next week.

[sociallyawkward--fics]

Yay for taking care of yourself!!!! Anyway 3, 10, 16, 29, 32, 39, 40, 49, 50, and 61(if you wanna)(Wow, 10 of them... I think that's a new record)(You don't have to answer them all if you don't wanna) ~S ❤️💛💚💙💜

Lol nah, I’ll answer them all! I like these!

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

I answered this with H, but there are a LOT of books near me so I’ll grab a different book lol

Rainbow Rowell’s Carry On:

“… a wooden fence. The airbag goes off in my face and I go flying…”

10) What was the last lie you told?

Also with H, I’ll copy/paste:

I was using photoshop on my dad’s computer in his office because he was asleep and I’m allowed to use the computer if he doesn’t need it, but then I heard his bedroom door open (it’s squeaky and I’m attuned to the sound by now lol) so I had to quickly stop what I was doing (editing Sanders Sides cosplay pics) and open a different picture (my friend’s dog) and pretend to be editing that, and not even a second later my dad walked in and looked at the computer to see what I was doing.

16) Do you have a collection of anything?

Lol, do books count? Also, I’ve been meaning to start a collection of stuffed toy cacti (it’s a long story meant for it’s own post if you wanna hear about it lol), but so far I only have one. He’s a little pirate with a striped shirt and a red bandanna-like hat and a parrot and I named him Captain Waldo (because his shirt is red and white, he reminded me of Where’s Waldo)

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Lol y’all really think alike, don’t you (well, great minds think alike after all), so copy/paste from H again:

Thomas Sanders I think is a rather obvious one lol, but I’m also starting to get really excited for the cosplays I’m trying to complete this year and I want to work on my photography a lot more too.

32) What is your astrological sign?

Based off of the dates I looked up in middle school, I am directly on the change date between Scorpio and Sagittarius, so I can be both/either

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Thankfully finally getting some sleep lol. I haven’t gotten more than 3-4 hours all week (and that’s all broken sleep), and I think l got at least 9-ish hours and I only woke up once at 3am because I got a text from a friend in London lol

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

copy/paste from H:

Lol see, this is a hard one right now, at least, because of my bad night last night, but let’s go through the things I try to do (let’s try hard to be positive):

-I’m always open for venting

-I’m told I give great advice

-I’m told my words help cheer people up a lot

-I’m loyal/I would never betray them, even if they betrayed me

-I’m not the jealous type, I don’t care if plans are made without me because I (usually) know they still love me

So I think maybe I’d be my friend? I try really, really hard to be a good friend because I’m terrified of losing people lol

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”

First thing was pain, for some reason, idk emotions man lol

Second was Patton lol

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

Yellow (pretty much all shades) has been and probably always will be my favorite lol. Orange (most shades) is definitely up there, too. Then magenta, and then green (most shades). There are my top four fave colors lol

61) Guess my cause of death

Real answer: I hope you die when you’re really old and so the cause is old age and it’s peaceful and in your sleep and that you don’t suffer, and I hope you lived a life full of love and laughter.

Joking answer: diabetes cuz you’re so sweet

[vtmusicomp]

Monday - Thursday

I’m just going to plunge right in. But first, how cute are we in our matching Primus 25 years of NYE t-shirts? That’s the show referenced in the previous post. It’s been long enough that I probably don’t remember everything in order. I’m pretty sure I’m missing one meeting with Dr. Pikul somewhere in there, but the gist of it is mostly here. I spent the night at the hospital with Grant because I didn’t want him to wake up by himself - or I tried to, anyway. They had one of those fold-out chairs where you pull the bottom and it opens up into a flat bed with a hard surface. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know it folded out because I’d never spent the night in the hospital for someone else before. I tried to make it work sleeping upright in the chair, but I tapped out around 3am and went to my car. It was still raining and pretty cold, but I had a blanket in the car so I thought I’d recline the seat and maybe get a couple hours. 

MONDAY

Alicia called me back somewhere between 6 and 6:30am – which didn’t really wake me up because I was hardly sleeping anyway. I told her what was happening; she was shell-shocked, but she couldn’t talk because she had to get the kids off to school. She called me back a couple hours later crying and asking if she could come to the hospital, which was fine. I went back up to Grant’s room at about 7am, and he was already awake. He thought I had gone home, which I felt a little bad about because the whole point was for him to not feel alone.

Both Kim and Alicia came later that morning, I don’t quite remember what time. Just imagine the three of us sitting in Grant’s ICU room while he dozed in and out – it’s actually kind of funny looking back on it, an unlikely trio. We saw an internal medicine doctor and someone from neurology. They gave Grant a consent form to do a craniotomy and there was some talk of him going in to surgery that day at 2pm. This seemed insane because we hadn’t seen the surgeon yet. At the time it was presented to us like he was in a critical stage and the tangerine (I’m calling it that because that’s how they described its size to us) needed to come out right away, but then they postponed the surgery. This was a relief, because none of us were mentally ready, and some of the procedures performed later in the week were done to help the neurosurgeon remove the tangerine as precisely as possible.

Connie and Larry arrived late afternoon, and I left to get some stuff from home and give Grant some time with his family. I grabbed every electronic item I could think of that Grant might want, several chargers, an extension cord, changes of clothes, and a Chiefs blanket. I went back and dropped the stuff off, hung out with him until bedtime, then went back to my house again with Connie, Larry and Colin; who had arrived sometime after I left. They spent the night at my house and moved to Jenny’s house in Hollywood the next day, a much closer location to the hospital. Here’s a picture of Grant and Colin at a bar after Temple of the Dog at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium in San Francisco, November 2016.

TUESDAY

The next day I thought I had time to go in to work that morning – I don’t think I really processed how serious everything was, and in general I am paranoid about unscheduled absences from work. I saw my boss and updated him on what was happening, and I managed to tamp down on my feelings while doing it. That’s pretty much what I did with my emotions in those early days. I suppressed the hell out of them just to get through all the talking. Around 10am I realized, ‘what the hell am I doing at work?’ I left and picked up a coffee for Grant on the way back to the hospital. When I got there, the room was packed. Connie, Larry, Julie, Kim, Colin, Alicia, and Kelly were all there, along with Grant and our neurosurgeon, Dr. Pikul. They sent me a text while I was parking to let me know Dr. Pikul was giving us the low down. Grant told me afterwards he tried to stall the doc until I got there.

Dr. Pikul told us that the location of Grant’s tangerine in his left hemisphere, coupled with the memory issues he’d already had, meant he would likely lose 100% of his short-term memory from the surgery to remove it. The example he gave us was this – if we told Grant a short list of, say, five items to pick up from the store, Grant would forget why he was there by the time he got to the store. He also would have trouble remember the names of things. It was devastating news, and at one point, Grant said he didn’t know what the point of having the surgery was if that was the result. Grant’s other options were to do a biopsy, so they could figure out what it was before determining treatment; or he could jump straight to radiation to try and shrink the thing without having surgery at all. If he had the surgery, how would we solve the problem of helping someone who is like the character in Memento? Were we going to tattoo important dates and names on Grant’s body? Would he remember me when he woke up?

After Dr. Pikul left, Grant stood up and asked everyone to leave the room, then he asked me to stay. We put our foreheads together and cried. He was so scared, he didn’t want anyone to see it and worry about him. I forced myself to stop crying because I had to get it together – he needed support and I wasn’t going to be a blubbering mess. There was no glimpse at all on our horizons of what the tangerine was, other than a statement by Dr. Pikul that he thought it was a glioma. Grant asked me what I thought he should do; I told him it appeared as though removal was the best option, but I understood if he didn’t want to jump right to the most aggressive thing. We broke down the timeline for biopsy vs. radiation and how long it would take to get results vs. how fast the tangerine was growing. The problem with this kind of situation is any choice is garbage…they’re all bad. I believe Tuesday is also when MieLing and Terry arrived with Ayri, Kai, and Olive. The Stoners took over that waiting room next to the ICU. And now for a gratuitous shot of Grant and the kids at home.

WEDNESDAY

I don’t remember if it was Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning, but after consulting with the neurologist, Dr. Pikul told Grant he wanted him to have a Wada test. During this test they inject you, via an artery near your groin, with a drug that shuts down half your brain so the other half can be tested for function, and then vice versa. They wanted to map out Grant’s brain as much as possible in advance of the surgery, to try and mitigate the side effects. On Wednesday midday they took him down to do the Wada test, and Colin and I went with him. Colin commented that it seemed like everyone was excited to do the test because it’s not something they routinely perform. They outfitted Grant with this contraption that looked like the helmet from the Netflix series The OA. The test went well, and the neurologist was excited because he exhibited language and recall ability in both hemispheres of his brain. That meant the side effects that scared us so much the previous day might not be as bad as we thought. We know the left side of the brain is the logical side (math, language, analysis) and the right side is the creative one (art, imagination). Julie opined that because his talent and creativity involved words, it made sense that the right side would have some control over his language ability.

When he got back from the Wada they had to tilt his bed upright for several hours to recover. He was flushed red and fairly out of it. The day before we had decided to celebrate Naomi’s birthday at the hospital with the Stoners – we didn’t know about the Wada test at the time, and I believe this was the only night we could do it with both kids. Kim brought cupcakes, Alicia brought the kids, and the whole group crowded into the ICU room. The nurses weren’t happy about it, but they understood it was an occasion, and they let us stay for about 20 minutes. Naomi and Wyatt got next to their dad and tried to smile. I think that day really brought home to the kids their dad was in trouble, because the next day they told their mom they didn’t want to come to the hospital. I am sure Grant was relieved; he hated having the kids see him when he was sick.

THURSDAY

Because the Wada test took a toll on him, Grant was not able to have surgery on Thursday. When I got to the hospital that morning, Julie and Connie were already there with Grant. At some point I was able to ask the nurse if we could wash Grant’s hair. That nurse was my buddy – she figured out I was half Filipina (she herself was Filipina, most of our nurses were) and was really nice to Grant after that. She washed his hair pretty thoroughly and it helped him feel kind of normal. The day was mellow because he needed to rest before his big surgery on Friday. I brought an overnight bag so I could be with him when they took him down. THIS time, I was armed with the knowledge that the chair folded out. I still didn’t sleep, but at least I was there with him the whole night.

One of the hardest feelings to manage about everything that happened that week and beyond, was the feeling of helplessness. We are a group of driven people who set our eyes on a goal and achieve it. In this, there was nothing we could do other than ask a lot of questions and trust in his medical team. Of course, there’s a lot of outside influence. People have opinions, but in the end, the decision lies with the person who is undergoing the treatment. Grant had to make all the decisions by himself; even if he asked us our advice, he still needed to decide his own fate with a huge amount of ambiguity about the outcome. I can’t imagine a scarier thing. I don’t know that I could have been so brave myself. But I can say this with certainty: I am glad he chose to undergo surgery. He did not run in fear.

[blackbrian6-blog]

2018 - Leg 4 of the Worldly Chicks Transformation

Yesterday, 03:08 AM   #1  

Senior Member

Thread Starter

 Join Date: Jan 2002

Location: A Kiwi in Aus

Posts: 5,762

S/C/G: too much/going down/just right

Height: 157cm

Use this new thread to post from today. We are believe it or not into October. To go back to the old thread click here. 2018 - Leg 3 Back to post after I sort out the other thread.

  Yesterday, 03:20 AM   #2  

Senior Member

Thread Starter

 Join Date: Jan 2002

Location: A Kiwi in Aus

Posts: 5,762

S/C/G: too much/going down/just right

Height: 157cm

It's a bit like a revolving door around here. People come, people go, people stay for a while. Anyway all is peaceful at the moment, the dog has gone home, the cat is inspecting the fence removal I have done today - not that it will meet with his approval. I've cleaned the bathroom, laundry and hall. Made the beds, done 4 loads of laundry, painted a couple of walls and sorted and filed a whole bunch of recipes I, for some reason, thought I couldn't live without. Looking at the file, I may need to live for another 30 years to get through then all. Some will go out as I prune them as I file. I busted the paper shredder yesterday. Don't make things like they used to, so I put the last papers into the bbq and burnt them - shouldn't have such a huge amount to do again although I still have a couple of drawers to go through. I've found a whole load of stuff I thought I had lost and I have what looks like a million cards. that I have bought over the years. I'll be back later to do personals. I will have to go through the posts to find out how far behind I am.

  Yesterday, 10:44 AM   #3  

Choose your hard

 Join Date: Jun 2002

Location: A beautiful and peaceful place in the woods

Posts: 8,678

S/C/G: Stuck/Working on it/Good 2 Go

Height: Fun Size

Good morning to yahs,

Well a week has literally flown by in the blink of an eye and DH is enroute home already. That sure passed by much quicker than I would have liked it to do. Of course I barely touched most of the projects at home I was going to make so much progress on.

But I did get a few things done and at least started to make some progress. It was supposed to be a heads down day on Sunday and then I realized that October was looming on Monday. I had to enter the sales for the Thrift Shop for the month so the accountant can pay the sales tax bill. Then I had to type up the driver lists for the Meals on Wheels recipients at the Senior Center. They redid them and gave me a hand written piece of paper with the new lists. They also had to be ready to go out with the drivers bright and early Monday.

Saturday I had started going through piles of papers, sorting and organizing them. Among them was this hand written list. I started panicking as I knew exactly where this list was WHEN it was in a pile on the counter but now that I organized things, I could NOT FIND IT ANYWHERE!!! A "pile" person should never organize themselves. I searched for over an hour. By the time I entered the sales into the spreadsheet and looked for the list it was going on 3am Monday morning. I told myself to go to bed and get some sleep and I'd start fresh in the morning. Woke up at 6:30, went to the toilet and tried to get a bit more sleep but it was on my mind and the cat was seeking out my attention. So I got up, made a coffee and resumed my search. I finally found it after 3 more rounds, some fervent prayers and a bit of cussing! I somehow overlooked it in the place I had looked through twice. I typed the list, had a bunch of leftover people, called the kitchen manager to straighten it out and then sent it off to the Center's receptionist to print and take upstairs. Just in the nick of time. I went over there for lunch and one of the ladies was expecting me to be trained as a fill in on the lunch reservation desk. I begged off and said not today. I needed to get back home and focus on the house. Came home to a bunch of emails of demands from the thrift shop crew. Decided this is getting to be a bit too much. I am also under the gun because a friend has decided to drive into Chicago for a short trip this coming weekend and invited me to ride along. I'd rather not go at the minute - our fall colors are just blooming, there are cranberry and apple festivals I'd love to go to and I just want to be home to do things quite honestly. However my sister's birthday is tomorrow and my Mom's 92 birthday is the end of the month so I feel like I should go even if it's a short trip. She wants to leave early Friday morning - I'd also rather not go on Friday and arrive right at rush hour peak commute time on a Friday when everyone is crazy driving but she is driving so she sets the rules. Anyway I won't be working bingo on this Thursday or next and while my partner is not holding it against me, it does put pressure on him if the other guy gets sick at the last minute. Besides getting the house in order, I need to focus on packing and getting everything ready by Thursday. Seems like all I do is hurry lately... I am debating very seriously about stepping down from the Board at the Shelter as well as my Thrift Shop responsibilities. There's a couple of people who really annoy me there and it's no fun being a part of that any more. As for the Senior Center, I will help them out until the new year when they should be out of crisis

So in reality, not much new with me - same old stuff just a new day

Shad - thank you for setting up the new thread. I was thinking it was time to do so. Sounds like you are making steady progress on your projects around the house. Amazing what we can accumulate in a house, isn't it? I too am finding boxes of papers tucked away - so many of them - where did they come from and why did I think it important to keep them hanging around. I know what you mean about recipes. I have a bunch I printed from the internet as well as some favorite magazines that I haven't cracked open in well over a year. I laughed at your comment about having to live 30 years more in order to make all those dishes. I tell myself that as the cold weather approaches I will be more akin to cooking again. I have to - I have 2 freezers that are chock full - DH will not have any room to store any frozen meals if he decides to pick up something while I am gone. Have you got the garden all turned over yet?

Annie - how goes it with the job. Have you been told anything definitive yet? Are you looking and applying for other things? Prayers and good wishes on the job hunt.

Laura - what did the new doctor say about your foot? What kind of surgery were they considering? Are you getting the bike out for rides in the woods now that fall is coming? How was dinner out with Mom? If you are the kind of person who will be more motivated to work out if you are spending the money, then get a personal trainer. A good one can help you in many ways. It's like a doctor though, get one who will listen to you and work WITH you. Some of them just aren't good with working with the public. My sister had a twenty-something that chose not to care that you need to adapt routines for people's individual ages and fitness levels.

Susie - how is hubby doing? Are you back in your routine?

Ceejay - has autumn come to Missouri yet? How are you doing on selecting an eating plan? How are your allergies?

Dee - we don't have any other indoor pets other than the 2 cats. But we have a whole yard outside full of deer, turkeys and wild birds that are DH's other pets.

I'm sure they will be happy he is home today because the bird feeders are empty and I can't reach the pole they are hung on. Yay for the win on the homecoming game!

Well ladies this house won't clean itself so my coffee cup is empty and I need to get rolling here. I will try and post more before I leave.

  Yesterday, 10:50 AM   #4  

Senior Member

 Join Date: Oct 2000

Location: Chicago, IL, USA

Posts: 3,262

Morning all.

Shad – Thanks for starting our new thread. We don’t post nearly as much, so I bet we could have continued on the old one without hitting the max 500 posts by 12/31, but fresh starts are good for us!! Just glad you didn’t title it “Last Leg”, as in “on our last legs” – that’s not a positive thing, lol. Like your shredder being on its last legs and then – it died. Hope you get a sturdy replacement soon. The neighbors might not appreciate burning papers on a regular basis. LOL re the recipe stash. I have one that I need to finish going through, but lately I’m tempted to chuck everything and anything. In my mind, anyway, not in reality. Dee – Must have been fun to be at the homecoming game and see your g-daughter cheering. Brings back memories - I cheered in grade school. Ceejay – I didn’t realize stores are keeping cough syrup locked up these days. I thought it just had some booze in it. On second thought, booze definitely doesn't leave me groggy like Nyquil does.Annie – Saw FB photos of you at your reunion – looked like a fun time. You’re looking fabulous, BTW. Susie – Prayers that your dh doesn’t have any further complications and the healing process is otherwise going well. Happy – Is your dh home yet? Saw a couple of his pics on FB – wow, great shots. I need to go back to Colorado someday!!

==

Nothing much to report on my end. The scale was up a pound last Monday and was down two pounds yesterday. I’ll take it, even if I don’t feel I deserve it, LOL. I’m still posting my eating on MFP, but I’ve gotten haphazard about it. I need to get back on track.

What else? Last days in this office. The coffee/copy room is barren. They removed all the federal/governmental posting notices and other postings on the walls, and all the coffee and tea pods have run out. We must be going to a different beverage system in the new place. Good thing I use my own tea bags…

That’s it for me, so I’ll get this posted. Have a good day everyone!!

Last edited by Laura705; Yesterday at 11:01 AM.

  Yesterday, 10:51 AM   #5  

Senior Member

 Join Date: Oct 2000

Location: Chicago, IL, USA

Posts: 3,262

Okay, everything is smooshed together with different size fonts. Sigh. And Happy was typing over my head. Be back later to catch up.

  Yesterday, 11:20 AM   #6  

Senior Member

 Join Date: Dec 2002

Location: Missouri

Posts: 4,798

S/C/G: 200/189/165

Height: 5 ft 1 inch

My week has taken shape.. Going to eat lunch today with a friend and then need to go somewhere and get some loppers to trim the bushes. Think my nephew has borrowed them but he say's no. Suppose to go with niece to get the airbag fixed on a recall but I do not hear from her and I hate things at last minute. Thursday my cousin from Fort Lenard Wood, MO is coming. I''m expecting them to spend the night. I'm not a very good hostess or cook. Need to freshen up that room. I don't even have a coffee maker and will not buy one just for this. My dad's people were/are heavy coffee drinkers. I haven't gotten completely over this allergy attack yet. Think it had turned into a sinus infection and is taking longer to get over. I'm not coughing as much so that's a good thing. Silly me was walking in the house bare foot and my caught second toe on the edge of the room sized rug I have dining room. It hurt like crazy. This morning its black and swollen. but does not hurt. Think I sprained it. The moral of this story is wear shoes. I'm not sure about going to WW. But I do like the idea of it being a wellness center. So I'm calling this last journey my wellness journey, Don't know why I can't be comfortable in my own skin. as long as my labs are with in range. --------

Happy Really can't blame you for cutting back on your volunteering especially with winter coming on. Yes, I think autumn is starting. I saw some Maple trees turning on the way to church Sunday morning. Shad Thanks for getting us started for the month of October. You are one busy woman. Laura I haven't been on the scale this month. I keep forgetting. I'm still trying to post of MFP. Really do not like the WW website. They have changed it too. Susie Hope the Dh hasn't had any more complications from his surgery. Hope he continues to heal. Dee How is MeeMee?

Last edited by ceejay52; Yesterday at 11:23 AM.

  Yesterday, 03:30 PM   #7  

Senior Member

 Join Date: Jun 2004

Location: Ohio

Posts: 2,763

Height: 5'7"

Hello Ladies!

I started to post last night and in the middle of typing my post, something refreshed on the computer and I lost it all....so I just went to bed.

DH is doing very well. If you saw on FB that he had a trip to the ER on Saturday it was due to a seroma that has developed but it is draining very nicely and he says he feels pretty good. He does tire easily; I took him to the grocery with me on Saturday and he last 30 min.

He had his 2 week check-up yesterday and they said he is doing great. He goes back on October 30 and should be released to retun to work on November 5.

Anne: Saw the H.S. Reunion pictures on FB...you looked stunning! Any word on the job and the changes that are coming?

Laura: I have been getting back to posting everything on MFP and it sure does help. I'm glad to hear you have a new doctor for your foot and it sounds like he has a plan.

Ceejay: I hope you didn't break your toe! I like what you are calling your "journey".

Shad: I hear you on the paper pile up. It is easy to do. I just went through the file cabinet and purged manuals for things we don't own anymore. That freed up a lot of space. And I am right there with you with the cards. I'm always picking one up here and there to have on hand......and then I still buy more of then.

Happy: You sound a lot like me, taking care of all the things that others need before doing my own things. It is a bad habit to be in. Remember we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. (Picture the stewardness and the oxegyn mask demo!

)

It is hard when one is on the computer to spend to much time on a task. At work, I have been finding that if I write down my start and stop time of what I am working on, even if I don't finish it, it helps keep me on track and helps be go back and finish up. Maybe give that a try? I also schedule time for things that I'm not on the computer. So, I might work for 1-2 hrs on the computer and then get up and do something else for 30 min. It helps me to fresh and at the end of the day, I can see what I did.

Dee: How nice you got to go see the grandaughter cheer. I cheered and was on dance team...some of the most fun times of my life.

I must get back to work. I wanted to be sure I posted today. See you all later

  Today, 12:18 PM   #8  

Senior Member

 Join Date: Oct 2000

Location: Chicago, IL, USA

Posts: 3,262

Morning all.

Happy - Of course your week went quickly – don’t they all? I don’t know how you keep track of all you do. == I don’t envy you doing your paper purge. I will be going through that myself soon enough. Tomorrow I take home the monitor, keyboard and docking station and need to clear space in the home office for them. I need to stay strong. How much of that paper have I *ever* needed to look at a second time? Paid bills, credit card change of terms notices, privacy notices, etc. == Anyway – I’m glad you found that one thing you needed to find. == Wow, that’s a last minute trip home! I hope you get everything you need to do taken care of before leaving. == Re the foot – the new doc’s x-ray even more clearly showed the fracture is still there, unhealed. He of course agreed that it was unusual for a fracture to not heal after all this time. He asked if I did all the typical things – wearing the boot, staying off the foot, etc. I hate to think I kept this thing from healing because I didn’t do enough of that. I’ll have to ask the next time I see him. Or maybe it’s moot. I’m seeing a rheumatologist next week, and after that, the next consideration is surgery. Which would be scary – bone graft, screws, etc. == I haven’t been out for any bike rides recently. I hope the weather permits a ride soon. == Yeh, finding the right personal trainer would be the key. I’ve taken group fitness classes with a couple at the recplex and neither were the type that I could work with. One was flakey and hyper and the other is too zen, LOL. At this other fitness center I currently use, the one trainer/employee is the one that makes the sounds when he was doing his own workouts. Nope. Ceejay – How was lunch with your friend? == I hope you’re ready for your houseguests. == Please don’t do anything strenuous outdoors – you don’t need to have more allergy issues. == Ouch! How’s the toe today??

Susie – So glad to hear DH is doing well!!

Hellos to the rest of you!

==

Sort of distracting around here today – the movers are here to pack up the department file drawers. Too bad for the boss – he was still squirreling away papers in those department drawers…not anymore! Tomorrow it’s just our personal spaces, which we pack up ourselves. Workout yesterday wasn’t the greatest – the stair climbing machine took it out of me first thing – started off too fast, got an unnecessary phone call from bf, ended up doing more time than I intended, etc. After about 12 minutes of that I moved to the upright bike for 15 min. and that was it for cardio. I did some mat work – pushups, crunches, lower ab and obliques but not as much as usual, and no plank. Bleh. I have a hair appointment tomorrow evening, so I won’t get to the fc then. But – I have no work on Friday so I’ll try to go in the morning before going shopping with my mother. If nothing else, it’ll be interesting to see how many people use the fc on a weekday morning. Okay, after many stops and starts, I’ll get this posted. Have a good day and stay out of trouble. TTFN!

  Today, 02:44 PM   #9  

Annie - Indiana

 Join Date: Aug 2004

Location: Indianapolis, IN

Posts: 5,527

S/C/G: 303/143/165

Height: 5'9"

Not in a great place at the moment. Nothing on the job end date yet but I expect it anytime soon. Boss is asking for things from me that are not due until the end of the month. Me thinks he wants them before the transition. I sent him an email and asked if he knew something I did not as he was quite anxious for things. Nothing back yet. Usually I am begging for receipts and numbers for reports. Weird.

C had a cancerous spot removed from his back this morning. Also got a shot of some sort for exzema (sp) that is supposed to clear it right up. C also got 4 injections of something into the cancerous spot. That better be it as we will soon not have insurance.

I started a AA workshop last night. Seems to be a good one. It is called the 12 and 12. (Step work). I really need it not that I am having issues with drinking just that I need "my kind" of people in my life right now.

HAPPY...stop volunteering, I think mentally and physically it is all taking a toll on you. Retirement is supposed to be about you not the rest of the world that annoys you. Yes, I have applied for other positions elsewhere but nothing yet. Only been 3 working days.

DEE..how is kitty?

SHADDIE...busy as a beaver per your norm. I would have to guzzle expresso to keep up with you.

LAURA...moving is quite a mess maker. Even when you think you have it all organized the movers make a mess. Good Luck.

SUSIE...glad to hear DH is doing so well. Genny too! Keep working on YOU!

CEEG...hope you are feeling better head and toe. I did the same thing to my little toe just before vacation and then again once we got home. Could barely stand to wear shoes on that foot.

Sorry if I missed anyone. My brain is real scattery. hugs all.

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Source: https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/support-groups/316036-2018-leg-4-worldly-chicks-transformation.html

[claspywrites]

I Stayed Up For 24 Hours; Here's What It Did to Me

(from Gizmodo.com)

Research has shown that poor sleep can negatively affect a person’s physical and mental well-being. But sometimes we need to prove things to ourselves by making poor decisions.

I recently stayed up for 24 hours because I wanted to know how depriving myself of sleep for a full day would actually feel. Maybe I could beat it, maybe I’d need less sleep than I thought I’d need, maybe I’d find out I’m a superhero who doesn’t need sleep. What happened, you ask? I kept a diary during the entire experience, so you can find out all about it without actually staying up for 24 hours yourself. Here we go!

8am: I just woke up from a dream where I stayed up all night and got tired. In the dream. This is not a great sign.

9am: To kick off my day, I went to a high-intensity workout class for an hour. This was a mistake for many reasons, the most immediate being that I’m very out of shape, and I want a nap right away. Isn’t working out supposed to make you feel energized? Off to grab a coffee for some manufactured energy!

3pm: I just recorded my podcast (when you move to LA you have to start a podcast). I feel great. I only mentioned that I’m staying up 24 hours five or six times while “on the air” (a little podcast term originating in radio; maybe you’ve heard other audio professionals use it). I’d compare this 24 hour marathon to when people can’t stop talking about doing CrossFit or being on a juice cleanse, except I’m doing something clinically proven to be unhealthy.

5pm: I’m overdoing it with coffee and it was a bad idea. I have to slow down or my heart is going to explode.

6pm: The cure for too much coffee is going for a drink with coworkers. This is fine, right?

7:30pm: Well I had two drinks and yeah, I’m fine, but oh jeez, I’m not NOT wishing for a nap. Day drinking is not a good idea, especially when your day has 12.5 more hours in it.

8:30pm: 11.5 hours in, and I’m feeling great! This is easy. Bring it on, baby. My Facebook memories reminded me that eight years ago today I made a post that said “Sleep is for suckers.” I’m surely as resilient as I was eight years ago. I am young! I don’t need sleep! This confidence is surely not covering up a sleepy fear!

10pm: I did a wild improv comedy show where we played cavemen afraid of pterodactyls. After the show everyone went home because they had work in the morning, those cowards! Who will party with me all night?

11pm: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will party with me. Now is a perfect time to go see Skyscraper. Hot tip: Parking at the mall is GREAT at 11pm.

11:15pm: I’m having a very late dinner (a movie theater hot dog and candy), but should I pace this out even further? Will another dinner at 3am keep me going?

11:45am: The Rock can do anything. He’s climbing a bunch of crazy buildings and trying to save his family from this tall ass skyscraper, a seemingly impossible feat. What a king.

12am: Can you imagine the Rock with hair right now? Like, long, flowing, shoulder length hair. That’s fun.

12:10am: Credit where credit’s due, Neve Campbell and this cast are real badasses. I don’t fully understand the villains’ motivations, but I don’t care. I also forget what this diary was for. Now it’s all about Skyscraper.

12:30am: No spoilers, but I think this is the best movie of all time.

1am: I’m not a big club person, but maybe I should go to the club now? I just asked Siri about clubs that are open, but she’s not very helpful. Siri hates clubbing.

1:20am: LA’s hottest club is 7-11. They have everything: Easy Mac, energy drinks, every kind of gum, a man telling me I only have 40 more minutes to buy wine. You know me too well, wine man, but tonight I’m drowning my sorrows in candy.

1:30am: My cat is loving this experiment. He’s somehow both fully asleep on my lap and upset when I stop petting him. Must be nice, dude.

2:45am: I’m watching a show on Netflix about a couple that is renovating a boat so they can live in it. It’s not a houseboat. Why renovate a house that could float away or sink? This is dumb. I can’t stop watching.

2:50am: Now it’s the house of a guy who put a urinal in his basement. I have stopped watching.

4am: I’m bouncing back and forth between rom coms and superhero movies, while playing Civilization V on my computer. If I was this productive in real life with things that mattered I’d be a millionaire.

4:30am: I bet The Rock just woke up to go to the gym right now. He’s perfect. I will do one push-up in his honor.

4:32am: Push-ups are hard when your body is doing its best to just keep you from lying down.

5am: Ooh, my back hurts. This is no way to live. I’m also not hungry, but here I am eating chips. I don’t want any more chips, but they keep finding their way into my hands, and I can’t waste chips.

6am: My neck feels like a wobbly Jenga tower on top of a pile of empty cans (that’s my back). My neighbors are waking up at this time. This is an insane time to be awake. For any reason. Everyone who’s awake, go back to sleep.

6:30am: What even is sleep? Turning off your consciousness, but not turning it off, just letting it happen all casual. Consciousness just says “ok, I’ll chill for a bit.” How does that happen? Relaxation? I feel tense as hell. Maybe this is how I’ll feel forever.

7am: This is just who I am now. I have transcended tired. I might feel good? I could maybe go to the gym? I mean, I won’t, let’s not be crazy, I’ll die. Maybe I’ll go for a walk?

7:15am: I take that back. I feel bad and wildly uncomfortable. I’m foggy, woozy even. My back is angry.

7:35am: If I don’t concentrate, I go cross eyed. I’m so close.

8:11am: I made it! I’m even up 11 minutes past the 24 hours. Is that a world record? Gotta be. Oh dang, this bed feels heavenly. I just got a Purple mattress and this thing is legit. I don’t know if I’ve ever described a bed as luxurious, but this one is. It’s like I’m lying on a soft, fluffy field. My back is so happy. I may never get up.

2:30pm: Good morning. It truly is. I’m writing this from my glorious bed. I’ve only had about six hours of sleep, but I feel incredible. I can’t sleep anymore because I want to make sure I get more sleep tonight. I want all the sleep. I still haven’t decided if I will get up or lounge here forever, but I don’t see myself staying away from it for another 24 hours. I enjoyed the adventure and my time with The Rock, but my brain and my back will never forgive me if I do it again.

This post is a sponsored collaboration between Purple and Studio@Gizmodo.

[cheskalagran]

BYE 2018

This year has got to be the year jampacked with EVERYTHING. I might have the same motivation to write now but i gotta try for my future self. (bcos yaknow everything that I dont write eventually gets forgotten and i have no way of remembering, it just turns into a blank patch in my mind lyk 2017 lol) whatever happend to 2017??? i was scrolling through this blog and i didnt find any 2017 posts lol what??? was i in a trans or??? idk i have no memory of new year 2017. well i dont want that to happen to 2018 because theres just so much that happened so here it goes.

JANUARY- I started the year in qc.

Jan 2- I saw Mamsh for the first time in uptc. We bought my very first film roll. n Agfa Vista 200 in Satchmi.

Jan 7- i put my first film roll in. took a few shots. oh and im back in marinduque

Jan14 to the end of the month- im just in duque doing normal stuff i guess idk. More MSC days. I was really stressed about being irreg. lol

FEBRUARY-

feb 2 i went to Manila for the opening of Arts Month. IT WAS SO GREAT I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IT WAS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, to live each waking day to be exposed to art. agh fun tyms. i spent 5 days in Bayview and everyday i went to luneta park for workshops and other shennanigans. While this was all happening i was also shooting for our Trends and Network (?) (subject) video. Reg was my partner in this video we were supposed to put a vissual on a poem our prof gave us.

feb 3

first time to eat yellow watermelon.

went to a baybayin writing workshop and learned how to write baybayin yay

saw autotelic, better days, sud and ben and ben that night

FEB 4- still there

feb 5- attended poetry night and saw mike coroza. saw mamsh again today and we went to national museum. It was the last day of arts month.

feb 6- i went home to duque

Feb 7- i edited my footage

~idk what date but hahaha the video i edited got 75 loooool but our prof gave us another chance to edit the shit.

feb 14- mundo- iv of spades was released. idk how this is relevant to me lol but yeah it was released on this day.

feb 17- UP fair that i wasnt able to go to. Finals week is near im so stressedt

feb 20- im editing the video again. we made a storyline instead of just putting vissuals on the poem.

feb 21- the stress was getting to me. i havent been sleeping bcos of finals and editing so i cut my hair short. the shortest it has been, they said i looked like hannah baker

~idk what date but i finally passed the video and we got 85 thank god for that curve lol~

feb 24- Im back in Manila. first time to ever play with the orchestra in a place which is not marinduque. Played in Makati along with Sta Isabel peeps.

feb 26-

Went to bgc--- to the overrated Venice grand canal place to be exact.

Saw Alex Aiono live.

Bought a new Murakami book (Wind Up Bird Chronicle) that i havent still finished until now

feb 27 to march- marinduque ++ more MSC things

March 29

practiced a viola piece for auditions sa ust but hey its 2019 and i didnt end up auditioning

Moriones festival (holy week)

Watched Baconaua a film by Joseph Laban shot in Mdq. the plot was also mdq related!!! and also socially relevant at present. its kinda about drugs--- well it is about drugs.

april 7- went to ust for enrolment

apr 8- went home na ata i dont even know

apr 13 ICON MANILA DAY1

went to manila for yfc’s 25th anniv!!!!! AAAA ICON 2018~ FULL BLAST

bRO THE THEME WAS MUSICALS AND THEY PERFORMED DISNEY AND THE GREATEST SHOWMAN THEMED THINGS HUHU MY HART IS HAPI

yfc reunion yey

APR 14 DAY 2 - FIREWORKSSS AND TALKS

APR 15- DAY 3

LAST DAY

GOT AN ICON DAVAO SHIRT

NASA ICON RECAP VIDEO AKO

APR 16 ARRIVED IN MDQ FOR FINALS

APR 19- SURVIVED FIRST DEFENSE

APR 23- FINAL DEFENSE

APR 26- SHELLY’S DEBUT

APR 30- FOUND OUT I DIDNT PASS THE UPCAT YO

MAY 3-

GRAD PHOTOSHOOT

SAGALA

MAY 8- 18TH

MAY 10- SURPRISE BDAY CELEB BY THE BEACH T^T gots a new laptop yey. got another murakami book from fiel. got a cool shirt from dem. got my fav necklace (which means so much to me since it has so much connection to who i am--- its a Sta. Claire/ St. Francis pendant from Rome.) Lola passed down a family heirloom to me--- her watch. <3

MAY 11- woke up after last night’s celeb for Graduatioooon.

May 11 to 19- stayed at home and watched movies and shi

May 20-

watched Musika sa Isla’s concert. first time that i sat out since i was so busy huhu.

Went out with Reg and went kayaking

May 21 and onwards more of doing nothing and watching movies and shii

May 29- went out with sum frends i havent seen for so loooong: isa, franz, angge, ira

Jun 2- went out with the fam and tita pina to the beaaachhh

Jun 15- My first provincial Shout!!! YBB LAGUNA!!!

Jun 18- went to shannon falls!!!! hiked and swam with the fam ++ dream favor fam

Jun 19- end of Prov Shout huhu went to amoingon with the YBB laguna team. swam some more in the beach.cried A LOT. said goodbye to fwends huhu

Jun 20- left duque for good

Jun 22- went to ust to settle thingz, dorm hopping

Jun 23- went to ust again

Jun -Jul scrabble, movies, wine, milktea, mc do and a couple of city thingz. Prepared for YCOM acad. long distance organizing with yasu huhu.

Jul 25- went home to duque for YCOM Acad!!! My first and last event as a the provincial YCOM head. cant believe we actually got to put this together huhu sml

Jul 26-28- finally had face to face organizing with the pcg. practiced songs and hosting.

Jul 29- YCOM ACAD NAAA. a lot of hard work paid off in this event. a lot if crying again. said goodbye to friends again.

Jul 30- left for Manila first thing in the morning

Aug 1- First day dorm life

Aug 2- Start of freshmen week. Freshmen pol sci orientation

Aug 3- ROARientation

Aug 4- got very drunk with batch mates uuuhhh which was wrong cos its just the first day and i probably made out with someone???uhhh

Aug 6- Tomasino na ako event. Saw Ben and ben and fourplay mnl

Aug 10-

went to cinemalaya with reg,kly and paul. was supposed to watch liway but ended up watching school service. bumabagyo rn hahahaha.

first time to ride the lrt loool

Aug 11-13- spent 3 days alone in qc aHAHAHA they were in cebu

~Lol kinda  dated a blockmate or whateva at this time uuhh~

Aug 17- parents visited manila, we went to intramuros

Aug 20- kuyas bday

Aug 21-saw reg and we watched another cinemalaya entry: Madilim Ang Gabi. sobrang slow paceeeedddd but ya it was about ejk. #SupportLocal

Aug 22 and onwards- A LOT OF READINGS

Aug 28- bar hopping with 7wonders

MORE STUDYING

Sep 5- saw Sud again in ust. org week ata??

MORE STUDYING

~kinda stopped dating that blockmate na~ ahahah

MORE STUDYING

Sep 21- saw shelly, aira, and fiel at Happy T. met someone but never talked again after that nyt. slept at fiel’s

MORE STUDYING

Sep 28- YFC GA

Sep 29- WENT TO SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY WITH MAMSH BROOOOOOO (XX: XX Makati)

ang bandang shirley

lions and acrobats

mellow fellow

rusty machine

oh flamingo

sandwich???

i forgot the others huhu

IT WAS WILD I LOVE SENA

OCT 4-5- PRELIMS ((no sleeping starts))

Oct 10-pre lims. got rly unexpected close friendships. slept at dean’s.

Oct 20- Island with shelly, ira, dean and sum binilde friends. met sum ppl. slept at mark’s

MORE STUDYING! ! !

~kinda started talking to someone i actually like~

OCT 29- FINALLY WENT BACK HOME TO DUQUE HUHU

OCT 29- went to the beach with reg trisha cavite peeps and kuya francis. saw kent kuya jm and jayson at kuya karl’s

OCT 31- inuman with friends i havent seen for so loooooong, drew, ira, pam, josh, angge

UNDAS- made my term paper about islam huhuhuhuhuhu d y i n g

NOV 3- went to the beach with yfc people huhuhu yasu mat ninyah and others. quest ang gracenote were there at villa aplaya also ahahaha

NOV 4- haaayyy left duque again :<

MORE TERM PAPER MAKING

NOV 14- first meeting of that ~someone~ im talking to. went to rou bourbon. agh i actually like this guy can u believe it

NOV 16- saw ~that guy~ again. went over to his place and met his dog

MORE STUDYING

Nov 23- saw ~ that guy~ again// study date

MORE STUDYIN BCOS FINALS IS NEAR IM DED

Nov 29- adventures with dean and mia at 3am. smoked a lot this month brOo i was ded more studying

Dec 2- mom visited me huhu lord tnx

Dec 3- Agape

Dec 8 onwards- FINALS WEEK a lot of smoking//very very very ded at this point

Dec 13- SURVIVED FINALS AND WENT OUT WITH 1POL3

Dec 15- i was high with kuya and claud

Dec 17- drank with kuya and claud

Dec 19- i was high

Dec 20- mom and micha and pau arrived

Dec 21- PASKUHAN with micha <3 ~the guy~ i was talking to ditched me lol. the dating thing was “paused” looooooool things started going downhill again but paskuhan was so fun!!!!! huhhuhuh definitely made me feel things. saaw ransom collective and spongecola <3 mia and chad r now together. micha slept in my dorm

Dec 23 and 24 and 25- christmas shenanigans in ateneo.

Dec 24- cinco ako sa nstp. i died seeing this

Dec 28- BANDERSNATCH!!!!!!!

Dec 29- went to bulacan for Kuya Oyo’s wedding cute couple

Dec 30-31- STAYCATION with the fam

DEC 31- went home and welcomed the new year. smy prof hasnt still replied for the cinco he gave me.

yaaaaalllllll 2018 was rough. a lot has happend. and im difinitely not the same person anymore. whats worse is that im kinda disappointed of what i turned out to be. :/ things are just sad. i havent been able to pick myself up until now. idk if im just in the right place or in the right time or with the right people but all u i know is that things could be in a much better place. i just hope that 2019 would put things in a better place. i cried a ton shit of tears this year. cut a few scars.left a lot of people. so much new things. it was my wildest year so far. Living independently alone, surviving college and the city life--- it was very different from what Im used to. but hey i survived and im proud of myself for that.2018 u were painful---so painful.  U made me try so hard and fail so hard at every aspect. I tried to maintain ties with friends even though it wasnt rly my thing. It was so hard for me to maintain connection agh but at least i still tried. Acads wise, I tried so hard to study for that one major prelim exam and i failed--- for the very first time, i failed a major exam. I tried to love--- yup--- thats totally not me--- i tried to date people. but lol things rly just dont work out sometimes. it be lyk that sometimes. ako pa yung dinitch HAHAHAHAH lol

the first half of the year was so fulfilling a lot of fun times. Never have i ever felt lyk i knew myself so much. everything i did was everything i wanted to do. For the first time i felt lyk i was turning out to be who i wanted to be but surprise everything turned around at the second half of the year.

it  made me feel lost it made me feel alone. its 2019 and that feeling hasnt changed. still a ton shit of anxiety. god Every holiday season i try my best to get in the holiday spirit but hah this year no matter how hard i try i wasnt just feeling it.  everything feels so static i dont wanna be like this anymore. The second half of 2018 made me feel like im the wrong place am i in the wrong place i dont know.

[fesahaawit]

Why I’m Taking Back My Evenings

Hello, friends—and hello, December! It’s hard to believe that my year of slow living experiments is almost over. It started with the slow morning experiment in January, where I allowed myself to wake up naturally and have a slow, quiet morning before the start of each day. Slow mornings are something I have managed to continue with all year, and have helped lower my anxiety about both work and life. Now, this year of experiments has come full circle, and it’s time to focus on slowing down my evenings—particularly, my bedtime routine.

If I’ve never mentioned it before, I have always been a troubled sleeper. The first time I can remember experiencing an extended stretch of insomnia was in the ninth grade (age 14). I would either lay awake until 3am and then sleep for only a few hours, or I would wake up around 3am and never fall back asleep. This went on for weeks, before I was finally so exhausted that my body just knew what it had to do. And then I would sleep well for a few weeks or months, until my insomnia came back for another stretch of time.

It’s fair to say I have had at least one or two stretches of insomnia every year since. So I wouldn’t consider myself an insomniac, and I feel fortunate to get the amount of sleep that I do. But I still don’t have the healthiest sleep pattern, and I know there are two things to blame.

The first is that, most nights, I don’t give myself a lot of downtime before bed. This past month was the worst, because the book launch has meant there is work I could do at all hours of every day. But I am currently in the habit of working right up until bedtime, then closing my laptop, crawling into bed and trying to fall asleep right away. There has been no time to read and no time for a bath, and no time to just be quiet and do nothing. I’ve actually been falling asleep ok, but that’s because of my other bad habit. I can’t even believe I’m saying this.

I bring my phone to bed with me—and I have been opening the Netflix app and falling asleep to the quiet sound of a boring show. I know, I know. I KNOW. I’ve combined the two worst things you could do in bed: look at your phone and watch TV. I will say, I don’t do this all the time. It’s a bad habit I seem to pick up when I’m stressed or sad. I did it for a couple months in 2015, and I did it for a couple months in 2016, and I’ve been doing it a lot since the dogs died. It’s like my body and mind can’t take the silence, and I just need a little comfort (that I no longer find in alcohol or food). So, I just do it. I don’t feel good about it, and I don’t even like admitting it. But it’s because I don’t feel good about it and don’t want to admit it that I know it’s time to change the habit for good. And you guys are the best accountability partners a girl could ask for, so that’s why I’m sharing it here.

My intention for December is to take back my evenings altogether. That starts with signing off from work earlier and having at least a couple of hours to myself. With the book coming out in just six-and-a-half weeks (!!!), I know the to-do list will continue to scroll through my mind, but I really need that downtime. I want to curl up on the couch with tea, read for fun again (it has all felt like work lately), and soak in a lot of epsom salt baths. That is what my body and mind really need.

What I don’t need is my phone or Netflix in bed, so that is changing cold turkey today. I’ve deleted the Netflix app, and the phone will lay upside down on my dresser (out of my reach). Maybe I’ll eventually get to the point where I don’t even bring it into my bedroom, but I have a lot of early morning interviews these days, so my phone’s alarm clock is currently essential. So, I’ll relax after work, then read in the tub and/or in bed, and fall asleep without the soother that my phone has become. That’s the plan for December.

Experiment #10: Slow Evenings

no work/social media after 7pm

after work, write down the next day’s schedule/to-do list

no TV/phone after 8pm (and definitely not in bed)

read a book every night (probably in the bathtub)

create/practice/share my new bedtime routine

I’ve known I needed to do this experiment all year, but I think there’s a reason I pushed it to the very end: because it meant I would have to share my dirty little secret with you (that I bring my phone to bed) and because I would have to stop doing it. In the minimalism/simple living space, I feel this pressure to be totally “awakened” and in control of every part of my life. But I’m not perfect. I’m self-aware, but that doesn’t mean I do everything right. Like I’ve said before, I’m just trying to do the best I can. We all are. And I’m really grateful I can share all parts of myself here with you.

What are your goals/intentions for the last month of 2017? I’d love to hear. :)

Experiment Log

December 1: Stopped working at 5:30pm. Watched a movie with my dad, then texted my best friend Emma at 8:15pm to tell her I’d be putting my phone away around 8pm every day. Read in the bath. Turned on a Calm sleep story, put my phone upside down on my dresser and was asleep by 10pm. Slept great. Don’t remember tossing/turning at all. Woke up naturally at 6am.

Why I’m Taking Back My Evenings posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ

[nuttmegg]

This is Jeremy, This is also me feeling it. I promised my friends that I wouldn’t hold it in, I wouldn’t pretend i wasn’t hurting and that I would let my heart feel it. So this is me, trying to feel it. The way I do that is through writing. I guess right now is the perfect time too, I’m vulnerable. My friends who know me, know that “feelings” aren’t my strong suit. It’s currently 3am and Im just getting home. I went out for a drink with friends and instead of going straight home I drove to my grandpa’s ranch(he doesn’t own it anymore so technically I was trespassing). I sat on the hood of the car and just watched the stars and I cried my fucking eyes out. Not just for Jeremy but for literally everything that is overwhelming me. But more about that later in another post. 

So I met Jeremy on tinder, Go figure right?! I honestly found him so extremely handsome, and thought I was being catfished so I put off meeting him for probably a whole month, lol. When I did finally decide to meet up with him, it was spur of the moment too. I was about to start my fantasy football draft, but something told me to go. So I told my cousins I was auto-drafting because date was greater then draft, haha. I meet him at the beach and we walked and talked for a good two/three hours, the sun went down on us and he kissed me on the beach. I was a good first date, we had a lot in common, football, sarcasm, etc, He even helped me finish my fantasy draft, and then got mad at my for avoiding him for so long. He told me how he was desperately looking for another person in his league and I would have been a perfect addition. “A cute girl, who can talk shit and knows football, you would’ve been perfect.” So after that football was our thing, we made a couple bets on the season and swore we would hang out once a week to set lineups, watch football or just talk shit on each others teams. And we did, maybe not every week, but we did manage to talk FF lineups and strategy every week.

We hung out a couple times in public but he was always so worried about his ex seeing him that it just complicated. I think I always kept him at a distance because I knew he wasn’t over her, and I didn’t want to be anyones rebound. I already told the story about how he ran around my apartment pretending he was getting ready for a fight, that night I watched Superbad with him, it was the first time I ever watched that movie. He gave me so much shit for it too. After that, any time he wanted to hang out he would text me “super bad and chill?” It was a joke between us, because i would sent it to him on occasion, I pretty sure we both knew what we were to each other. But we’re people with feelings as much as we tried to hide them, every time we would hang out he would stay longer, he would talk more, or when I would get up to leave he’d pull me back to him or tell me to spend the night. I only did once, that night I woke up to him wrapped around me. Mind you, he was 6′3″ and I’m 5′2″ he was literally suffocating me lol. I remember trying to be so quiet about leaving but I woke him up anyway, he told me as i was leaving “Stay with me kid, just once, don’t go to school.”  I think that was the same night he asked me if i loved him. I think that was when I started pulling away from him too. I begin seeing him less and less. That obviously didn’t stop him from bugging me constantly to hang out.(as per the snaps above) 

I got a text or snap from him pretty much every day. Even when I was in Vegas he bugged me. Thats the “you’re in love with me” snap. I remember being super drunk and responding with “you wish,” and he wrote back in a text saying “just you wait kid, you’re gonna fall in love with me.” I didn’t write back to that. I remember why too. I think after Vegas I saw him once, we went out for coffee and he told me how his ex was spreading rumors about him again. He talked to me about how he didn’t know where he wanted to move to but he wanted to leave, he even joked about following me to LA when I leave in December…”I’ll be your roommate kid, It’ll be great” ha. He seemed so lost that time I saw him, lost and heart broken. I didn’t know what to do, when we left I remember his hug hurt. It was one of those vulnerable hugs that last a long time and you can just feel it. That was the last time I kissed him. 

A couple days later The Hipster asked me to be exclusive, oh have i not mentioned that yet? The Hipster and I are exclusive! The last time I saw Jeremy was the day I was suppose to go to the Halsey concert. I didn’t go because I had been studying for exam and was on like 3 hrs of sleep, so I didn’t want to  to drive to Oakland by myself(its a 5-ish-hour drive). I walked with my lab partner to his house to hang out for a bit. I knocked out in his room, while my lab partner and him hung out. I woke up to Jeremy and Prince(his dog) making a bunch of noise. He was so sweet, “you knocked out kid! want dinner?” We ate dinner and I told him about the Hipster. He looked a little sad but sat across the table from me and asked me questions about him. He was teased me a little, tried joking about still “hanging out” even used air quotes too. Then took it back and said, “Nah Kid if you’re happy I wont fuck it up.” That was night I took my friends dog for a run, because he(my friend) was in a study group and Duke(the dog) was being an ass. lol. After my run I asked Jeremy if he could give me a ride home cause I was beat and my friend was still in class. 

He pulled his TC to the back of my apartment complex and when I was about to get out of the car he pulled me back in and hugged me. Again it was one of those hugs that you feel, like your soul hurts. He kissed my cheek and said “stick around kid? I want you to be happy, but we get along. Lets stay friends yeah?” I looked him straight in the eyes(something told to look him straight in the eyes), i didn’t realize then that was the last time i was going to see his green eyes and said “promise, promise.” I meant it too, I would’ve stayed his friend, we had even talked about being gym buddies. 

The next night I slept at the Hipsters and I woke up at like 2am from a text from Jeremy saying “wake up!” I didn’t respond cause I was with The Hipster and it was 2am! Not going to lie I was a little annoyed with him, I honestly thought i was a booty text. The next day in class I wrote back to him telling him that no one is up that late, he told me i should have been. I asked him what was up and he said he couldn’t sleep and just wanted someone to talk to. Then he asked me if I wanted to go on a hike………..I couldn’t I was in class. 

That was the day he…oh fuck I cant even type it….that was the day. He fucking went hiking and slipped off a 60ft cliff, survived the fall only to get swept away by the god damn ocean. They still haven’t found his body. Fuck this I am mess……if this is what feeling it is suppose to be. I don’t want to feel it. I could have been there!! Everyone keeps telling me that I cant blame myself, and I don’t but what if!! Im afraid of heights, i wouldn’t have let him climb up there, I wouldn’t have let him get so close to the edge. I could’ve convinced him to go to a different beach. And people keep throwing the word suicide around still, that he did it on purpose. What if me telling him about The Hipster was the straw that did it. I knew he was lost, I could tell, but I just thought he was lost becasue he was still a little heartbroken. 

And you what kills me even more! The fucking guilt I feel for grieving! Like you have no idea how stupid happy the Hipster makes me! I care about him so much, way more then I ever thought I was going to. I’ve been away from him for 5 days now and it hurts because I just want to be around him! I want to lay next to him, I want to study while he draws. I want to hold him and just breath in the mixture of smells, smoke and coffee. But how?? How am I suppose to grieve over another lover when, for lack of a better word, my boyfriend is laying next to me?? Some one please explain to me how I’m not suppose to feel guilty about that!!!!! Like Jeremy and I were never going to be a thing, The Hipster was always going to be the better man for me, but I still cared about Jeremy. He was right when he said we got along, we did. I just don’t know how to grieve without feeling so guilty. I don’t want to hurt the Hipster with my grief. Jeremy was someone I talked to almost daily, theres a void there now. That void hurts. 

I know its going to hurt for a while, but since Im home Im gonna let it hurt me. Because Night Hawk was right, I don’t want to hold it in and then have it come crashing down on me during finals. The one thing I keep wishing for is, I hope they find him. I have this spiritual connection with the Ocean, and I just cant feel the same way about it when it still has him. Just give him up, his family needs him. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn’t feel guilty about grieving with The Hipster around, that Jeremy would’ve wanted me to be happy. I know this, he told me himself the last time I saw him. I think the only person who can ease my guilt is The Hipster, and I’m never gonna tell him so I just let time heal that wound too. 

Oh so the pictures, the first one is a cropped picture of him after practice or something. Its one of the first pictures he sent me.  The second one is this one I found on his FB, and I think its perfect, it shows his silly nature. The 3rd is another one he sent me when we first started talking(he sent me a bunch but the rest are not really appropriate so those stay off the interwebs, not gonna lie I’m probably gonna delete them) Its also his contact photo lol. The last one is of course the save msg on snap. The 1st msg is him being hella aggressive becasue I kept turning him down. I have pictures of the rest of the things he sent me, he was actually being funny about it, said he would develop a stutter if i kept avoiding him lol. I already told you the “youre in love with me” story. And the last one had me rolling laughing when he sent that to me!! He had sent me a picture of him totally scene kid from HS right after that. I couldnt help but laugh. Thats the kind of friendship we would’ve had, more nonsense of that sort. 

So This is my story about Jeremy. This is also my way of grieving. 

This was Jeremy 

[youbetheanch0r-blog1]

my first post, why not make it a story of my mom.

so a little background. my mom was a diabetic since she was three years old. her life ended when she was fifty eight years old. 

so on december 17th, 2016, my family went to my nieces’ 4th birthday party. i wasn’t able to attend bc i had moved to connecticut 7 months previous. anyways this is besides the point. so the next day, i wake up to a call from my dad at 10 am, saying that my mom is in the hospital. my mom had been sleeping downstairs on the couch because she had been having really bad leg pain for a few weeks previously, so she couldn’t really do the stairs. anyways, my dad woke up around 3am that saturday (the 18th) to the dogs barking, so he got up and went to the bathroom and went downstairs to check on my mom. he said that she was passed out and unresponsive, so he called an ambulance. they brought my mom to the hospital, where she was admitted into the CCU (critical care unit). they checked her blood sugar and it was 1077. they put tubes down her throat, put in a tube to empty her stomach, had her on a respirator and sedated her. my dad told me all this on the phone, and he had just gotten home after being at the hospital since 3am. he also said she was still unconscious. when he told me all this, i sat up in bed and gasp; i was in shock, and i guess didn’t fully understand how serious it actually was. i decided i was obviously going to go to new york that day and see her. my sister called me a little while later and was crying about it, both of us in shock. i packed my stuff and headed to my sisters house in NY. my brother and his wife picked me up and we went to the hospital to see my mom. i can still remember what it was like to see her lying in that hospital bed, tubes coming out of her mouth, stuck to her head, and being unconscious. it was a terrible feeling. i immediately starting crying. the next day they did a ct scan, which showed that she had 5 mini strokes, that would affect her memory, vision, and fine motor skills.  after a few days of still being unconscious, they put a feeding tube, and a trache in. she wasn’t awake for christmas, which was hard. eventually the sedation wore off and she finally woke up. she was able to blink when you asked her to, but she wasn’t able to speak with the trache. you could see the effects of the strokes; she wasn’t herself. 

after being in the hospital for a month, they moved her into a rehab facility, an hour away from where my family lived. they would do pt and try to regain her strength in her legs, so she could hopefully walk again. i went up to visit about every other weekend, or whenever i had a weekend off from work. there were times when you’d say something to my mom and she’d make a face and it was the same face she would’ve made before anything happened to her. she was in a scary situation, but she was getting better and stronger. at this point, mom was able to mouth words and we were trying to get her into writing on a dry-erase board, which was a little tricky. i went to visit on march 11th with my boyfriend, and we stayed for a few hours. i asked her if she knew what was in 2 weeks, and she mouthed “your birthday”. she knew. when we went to leave, i asked my mom for a hug (for some reason i hadn’t asked for one since this all happened, but i would always lean in and kiss her cheek). when i asked, my mom put her arms out and i turned to my boyfriend and got sad because i hadn’t seen that in awhile. i leaned into my mom and she pulled my face towards hers so that she could kiss my cheek. i instantly cried, i was so happy. i told her i’d be back in 2 weeks for my birthday. we ended up leaving a few minutes later, and i had to ask for a hug again and she did the same thing again. it was a great feeling, i just wanted to experience it as much as i could. 

on saturday, march 18th at 11:04 pm, my dad called me from the house phone. i was laying in bed watching greys anatomy and turned to my boyfriend and told him i didn’t like that it was my dad calling so late. i answered and my dad said he had some bad news. my mom passed away. i was immediately in shock and i said no she didn’t, and he said why does everyone keep saying that. after that, i honestly can’t remember what details he tried telling me, my whole world stopped. i started screaming and crying and my boyfriend grabbed me. my dad said we’ll get through this together and he was gonna let me go, but he wanted me to know, instead of waiting til morning. i told him i loved him and dropped my phone. i was hysterical. i couldn’t breathe. i went to the bathroom and cried while sitting on the edge of the shower. i got up and cried in the hallway. i went back to the bedroom and cried on my floor. i couldn’t believe what he told me. i still can’t, to this day. i couldn’t believe that i was never going to see my mom again. never gonna call her on my way home from work again, never gonna call whenever i had a random question (that i could google but asking my mom was easier). i went up to NY the following morning, to my dads house. i walked into his house and started crying when i saw him. my brother was there too. i’d never seen him cry until that day, same as my dad. my brothers ex wife was bringing the kids over, because they needed to know. my nephew was 6, and my niece was 4. my dad told them as we were all in the room, and my nephew looked around at all of us crying and knew something was wrong, even though he didn’t fully understand what was happening. he said he was never going to be happy again. i saw my sister later that day and we all had dinner and had to discuss how we wanted to go about the funeral. we decided cremation. going to my moms funeral was the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. my mom died 8 days before my 24th birthday. the funeral was 2 days before. it’s been about 2 and a half months now and this hasn’t gotten any easier. i still miss her more than anything, all day, every day. it’s still hard going to my dads house, it’s like a shrine to my mom still. i’m about to be moving across the country next week. i hope my moms happy with the choices i’m making.

[campchamps]

Roaring Creek Backpack - Weiser State Forest, PA

We have made lots of exciting plans since our yurt trip last month that I haven’t shared. Tom and I decided for our annual wedding anniversary trip, we would try to tackle the entire Black Forest Trail in Pennsylvania. It’s an incredibly difficult trail so we have been working out and gearing up in preparation. This trip to Roaring Creek is one quick overnight we planned to prepare ourselves for the big adventure coming up in May. 

Pictured: Two champions making their way through beautiful Roaring Creek. I’m in the foreground. This was a thankfully clear part of the trail, not representative of the 1 1/2 feet of snow we trudged through.

It was especially useful that two friends joined us who had never backpacked before - reviewing vital trip information brought us back to the basics too. We recently had the opportunity to upgrade our thrifted and hand-me-down sleeping bags for warmer lightweight Rhapsody and Nocturne Nemo bags (last seasons), so this was a great time to test them out in the elements. I’ll post a picture of our at-home pre-testing I think you will get a kick out of. I also recently purchased a Garmin Foretrex 401 GPS that I am still learning to use but loving so far. 

Roaring Creek has been on my list for a while, I’ve just been waiting for the right opportunity. You know how much we love exploring Weiser State Forest! We relied on the MidAtlantic Hiker map and trail notes, but modified where we wanted to stay for the night. If there was less snow on the trail and we were by ourselves, I think we could have upped the pace. We deliberately carried more gear to sandbag ourselves a bit, knowing comfort took priority this trip. I knew it was going to be cold and prepared for the weather, but with any trip there were lessons I’ll be incorporating next time. 

The first day was beautiful! There were a few other people enjoying the paved Roaring Creek main trail on bikes and with dogs, but no other backpackers. We took a slight detour to the Foot Bridge on the left of the trail before you get to Natalie Miners Trail West. It’s a short walk and worth the peaceful view. There were a few times on the trail that we had to stop and get our bearings, since it was difficult to tell where the trail was due to the snow. That’s why our total trip mileage was over so much. The GPS really came in handy straightening us out. The weather was bizarre - there wasn’t really any sun most of the day, but it was warm. There were also very distinct warm and cold zones, which could change quickly in just a few steps. Made us all very thankful we chose appropriate layers, which I will outline below. 

We spent the first night on the ridge, in a little area away from the trail and on top of some large rocks that was protected by pine trees. As anywhere in good old Rocksylvania, it was difficult to find a flat spot for tents. Our friends had a larger tent, so we were able to create a canopy under a pine tree and tucked our tent off to the side in the snow behind theirs. 

I can’t really say that I had a restful sleep, although my new bag kept me pretty warm. I loved the baffle flap you can grab onto and tuck inside, it really made a difference. I had a hard time getting comfortable though, even though it was awesome to be able to move in the bag since it’s designed for side sleepers. We use Klimet inflatable sleeping pads, but didn’t have another insulating layer between us and the ground (besides the tent floor and foot print) that is really recommended for sleeping on the snow. We’ve experimented with strapping our sleeping pads together because we have a natural tendency to roll toward each other when we are sleeping, causing the pads to roll out from under us. I’m a twisty side sleeper which doesn’t help either. We were too cold and tired to worry about it when we fell asleep at first, but wound up waking up at 3am and lashing them together since I kept falling into the ice chasm created in the middle of the pads. The other nice thing about the Nemo bags, we could have zipped them together. We thought we would be warmer separately though. Also one thing we noticed after we took down our tent... there was a set of bear tracks a few days old right behind us in the snow! 

The second day of the hike was more difficult. It was really cold when we woke up which made it difficult to be coaxed out of my cozy sleeping bag. We decided to sacrifice our hot breakfast for time, and thought we would be able to make it to the stream on the South Branch trail for a nice breakfast. By the time we got there, refilled our water and had a nice snack break, we all agreed to forgo the hot meal entirely and press on. 

Pictured: view of the reservoir from The South Branch trail. We slept somewhere on that mountain the night before.   

As you can see the base of the mountain is beautiful. This is where MidAtlantic Hike recommends sleeping for the night, which would have been nice - it’s much flatter and relatively less rocky. On a future trip, I’d consider a different (shorter) loop to camp here instead. 

Lessons learned:

- I only brought the cheap finger-less cotton gloves that I keep in my camp gear, and a pair of work gloves thinking I could layer them. That did not work, I would up stealing Tom’s. 

- We didn’t need half the food we packed - we also had instant mashed potatoes, gummy bears, hot apple cider, hot chocolate, tea bags, pour over coffee, peanut butter packs, orange jello... etc. We barely ate the food we planned for meals! It added a lot of unnecessary weight. 

Overall I was really comfortable with our time - about 2 miles per hour, and about 10 miles a day in shorter days. That puts us pretty on track to our goals for the Black Forest Trail trip. I also think my layers worked well. With the exception of my gloves, I was pretty comfortable most of the trip. Here’s what I wore:  

+ sports bra & spandex blend underpants, synthetic workout tank with built in sports bra,  Prana hiking pants, Columbia performance t-shirt

+ LL Bean button up flannel,  very old hand me down LL Bean wool long underwear bottoms

+ Uniqlo ultalight down jacket, Lands End waterproof shell of my old ski jacket  

Ok on to the important stuff, what we ate. 

Camp Champs Chomps: 

Saturday lunch: roasted chicken breast sandwiches, snacks

Saturday dinner: (first course) spinach and bacon bit salad with homemade dressing packed in an oxo dressing container 

(second course) “gourmet” ramen noodles 

Sunday breakfast: (what I planned) scrambled eggs, pre-cracked in a plastic diet coke bottle (with a splash of milk), bacon bits and dehydrated vegetable mix (green peppers, mushrooms, zucchini, green onion, mined onion, parsley)

(what we actually ate) a bunch of snacks 

Snacks: babybel cheese, hard salami, triscuit crackers, dried fruit assortment, trail mix, beef jerky, granola bars 

If you need reception: T-mobile was in airplane mode the whole time, Sprint had sporadic service - to be honest we didn’t really pay attention (as you can probably tell from the lack of photos)

Useful maps:  

MidAtlantic Hike - Trail Map MidAtlantic Hike - Printable trail notes State Forest Map - As always, be sure to check the Weiser State Forest website for the most up to date information. 

Final trip stats: 

Trip Odometer: 19.7 miles

Moving Average: 2.3 mph

Moving time: 8 hours 24 minutes

Max Speed: 6.9 mph