#posted one minute ago holy shit I'm early

[iridescentoracle]

Hello! I am here to ask about your Dior headcanons re: the political cohesion of Doriath. 👀

Oh man, I didn't expect anyone to actually take me up on that!

(Okay so I got partway into writing this and then realized I should probably note up front that I tend to stick to the Silm (& LOTR/the Hobbit where applicable, but they... aren't, here) as the most authoritative version of canon, and I can get into why and where the nuances/exceptions are there (I do say tend to stick, it's not hard and fast!), but that's mostly a side note here: the point is simply that I don't really factor other drafts or the poetic Leithian into my take on Doriath, Thingol, Dior, etc, just what we're told in the actual Silm. I also read the Silm as an in-universe history text compiled by in-universe scholars, who, being people, are going to have their own biases and blind spots, even when they're doing their best to be accurate!)

So, this is a two-part thing: #1, there's the political cohesion of Doriath before & at the time of Thingol's death, which i talked about in the tags of the post that prompted this ask but is kind of necessary as context for the Dior part to make sense, and #2, there's the actual Dior headcanons. Both of these parts are very long because I've never really seen anyone else suggest any of this stuff and I want to explain where I'm coming from thoroughly enough that it actually makes sense to people who aren't me, but the TL;DRs:

TL;DR 1: I think Doriath was probably a hot mess politically after Thingol died, with tensions between various groups of Sindar and Laiquendi in the leadup to Thingol's death & Melian's departure, and more political tensions afterwards between those who wanted Beren & Lúthien to come be the new rulers, and those who thought they should stay gone, with someone still in Doriath taking over.

TL;DR 2: I think Dior became Eluchil, potentially at the request of some portion of the Iathrim, hoping to help prevent Doriath from devolving into civil war, and saw dealing with the Silmaril-Fëanorioni situation as a lower priority than stabilizing Doriath's internal political situation until it was too late.

1. The political cohesion (or rather, lack thereof) in Doriath prior to Thingol's death

So, okay, the thing about Doriath is that we don't actually have any real idea of like... how much the Iathrim liked being the Iathrim? We're never told about any intra-Iathrim conflict, but a) the Silm was probably compiled mostly by surviving Gondolindrim or their descendants, so they wouldn't know about anything liike that unless surviving Iathrim told them, and after the Second Kinslaying I don't imagine many Iathrim would've been eager to talk about how things had actually been tense/messy/etc when they could remember everything as having been perfect until it was ruined by the Fëanorionrim, and doubly so after the Third Kinslaying, so why would anything like that make it into the Silm?

and b) what we do know about Doriath is that it wasn't really Doriath as we know it until Morgoth came back to Middle-earth, and everything went to hell.

At the start of the first age, you suddenly get Doriath (the fenced land!) being the one protected area of a continent that used to be totally free and open. How many Sindar actually didn't particularly care for Thingol's style of leadership, or simply preferred to live nomadic lives, going basically wherever they pleased, until suddenly that wasn't safe anymore, and you were only guaranteed survival if you were close enough to Menegroth to be within the Girdle when it went up? ditto how many Laiquendi had no interest in swearing loyalty to Thingol right after their own king had just been killed, but again, made it to safety and stayed there over taking their chances on their own in the outside world? (None of this is meant as any insult to Thingol himself, by the way; he can have been a good king who did his best for his people and still rubbed some of his new subjects-by-necessity the wrong way, through no fault of his own or theirs.)

I think it's entirely possible that there were always potential political tensions under the surface in Doriath that just... never got written about, because they never boiled over into actual political conflict, and so it was never the sort of tension that had any bearing on the historical record.

Except then Beren & Lúthien happen to the world, and a few years later the Narn, and in the blink of an eye suddenly the only king Doriath has ever had is dead, and the only queen Doriath has ever had is gone and the Girdle with her—and more than that, the only rulers the Sindar had ever had for three thousand years before Doriath existed.

And where a few years earlier I think the Iathrim would probably have turned pretty universally to Lúthien, now she's abandoned them for her human husband—and while she's my favorite character in the entire legendarium hands-down and I don't blame her, I think that's another place there might have actually been some very mixed feelings among the Iathrim that nobody wanted to admit to later because how could anyone have been upset with Lúthien—and on top of her abandoning them for him, I think it's extremely probable most of Doriath did not actually get over their xenophobia about humans in general or Beren in specific when Thingol did (we know for sure at least some of Doriath didn't, cf. Saeros insulting Túrin's mother & sister to his face), but again, who's going to admit to having had a grudge against the holy couple of Middle-earth after the fact, you know?

Conversely, there could've been a sizeable faction of Sindar who had been totally loyal to Thingol until everything happened with Beren & Lúthien, but who found his actions towards them and/or Finrod to be where they drew the line, and while (unlike B&L themselves) that faction stayed in Doriath, there could've been a new, additional tension on that front.

Finally, for all we know there were multiple factions within the Laiquendi of Doriath, with political tensions stretching back to before their king died, rooted in who-even-knows!

2. Dior

All of that, of course, sets up a very, very messy political situation for Dior to walk into.

The Doriath stuff is arguably more speculation than actual headcanon, but here's where the unambiguous headcanons come in: I don't think "Dior Eluchil set himself to raise anew the glory of the kingdom of Doriath." Obviously that's how it got written down, but bluntly, I can't see Beren and Lúthien having a kid that stupid or, like, power-hungry and arrogant?

What I can see is a situation where the messenger that brought word of Thingol's death and Melian's departure asked Beren & Lúthien to come take over as the new king and queen, we promise we're not mad about you leaving and we won't be xenophobic to your husband anymore we swear it's fine now pretty please, Beren & Lúthien said no, and the messenger either asked Dior as a second choice, or said "okay fine none of that was actually true but Doriath is falling apart and we need a leader ASAP and there's about eight different contenders* (mostly kinsmen of Thingol or Laiquendi) being backed by various factions and it's going to devolve into civil war any minute so if you care at all—" and Dior said "would I do?"

(* Ask me about my Galadriel headcanon)

I don't think Dior necessarily wanted to be king of Doriath, and I don't think he saw the throne as his birthright or anything like that; I don't think anyone involved, from Thingol to Lúthien to Dior himself, ever considered the possibility of Thingol dying and needing an heir! I think it's possible he was asked, or at most that he offered, and either way, I think he saw becoming king as taking on a responsibility for the sake of others.

(Which, like, "well here's a potentially impossible task that I'm going to take up even though probably no one thinks I'm actually capable of it, but it's my duty to help others as best I can" sure does sound to me like an attitude one might develop when raised by Lúthien "I kicked Sauron's ass cast a sleep spell on Morgoth and persuaded the Valar to find a loophole in the fabric of reality" Tinuviel and Beren "I stayed by my father's side as an outlaw to give my mother time to lead the rest of our people away hopefully to safety knowing I would never see her or any of them again (and then spent several years being a giant thorn in Morgoth's side for good measure)" Barahirion, where "apparently my grandpa I may or may not have ever met died, guess that makes me the king of a place i may or may not have ever been" does... not.)

I also think he either took on the epithet Eluchil, or was given it by whichever factions of the Iathrim accepted him as king, when he actually became king. Obviously he's going to be referred to as Dior Eluchil even before that in retrospect because that's how he's thought of later, but that doesn't mean it was actually a name he always had, you know?

The final thing is, I think if Dior essentially walked into a political situation five seconds from devolving into civil war, it makes his inaction regarding the Silmaril prior to the Second Kinslaying make more sense: the Fëanorioni have been sitting around doing nothing about the Silmaril in Doriath / with Beren & Lúthien this whole time, the letter saying "hey that's our Silmaril give it back now" is probably just a formality, and Dior's only been ruling for a couple years, there's still plenty of people dubious about whether he should be king at all, he might well be subject to at least some of whatever xenophobia remains about humans in Doriath, and in general all the work he's done on stabilizing the kingdom will absolutely come undone again if he screws up; he's trying to keep a kingdom from falling apart, the Silmaril thing can wait.

Of course, it wasn't a formality, and it couldn't wait, but why would Dior have known that?

[musingmeaninglessly]

The Show; Aged Up!Lo'ak x Curvy/Chubby Human!Reader

A/N; So, this whole idea was sparked by this random post I did. I can just see Lo'ak showering his girl in so much praise and worshipping her human outfits. So, this one is for all the thicc girls like me out there...

Photos are not mine, and got the art from this blog. Full credits go to the artist!

Warnings; Curvy/chubby fem human reader, aged up Lo'ak, mentions of bad body image, swearing (it's Lo'ak, after all), suggestive/almost NSFW, Lo'ak being an utter simp for you (yes, that should be a warning). Not proofread.

Summary; When you give Lo'ak a little private fashion show of all your cute human outfits, he finally persuades you to brave the Na'vi-style clothing he gifted you months ago...

"Baby, come on! You been in there for like..."

"Two whole minutes..."

Your giggle is audible to Lo'ak through the bathroom door even from where he's sprawled on your tiny bed. After taking a puff of CO2 from his mask, he lets out an overly dramatic sigh.

"That's two minutes too long! How long does it take to put on a...what's it called again?"

"A bikini?"

Lo'ak grins at the unfamiliar human word. It sounds so cute, especially when it comes from you. But he's sure it won't be nearly as cute as you'll look in the garment.

"Yes, bikini."

His accent sounds even thicker as he pronounces the word, causing you to giggle as you emerge from your tiny bathroom in the equally tiny bikini.

"Holy shit..."

Your boyfriend's reaction makes you blush, but you do a little twirl for him all the same.

Being a thicker, softer girl meant that you hadn't always embraced these smaller pieces of swimwear. Even with your early teenage years on earth, you'd always cover up. But a certain 8 ft alien boy had brought you our of your shell.

"Baby, you look so fire in this! Look at the way it hugs your cute little belly and your waist..."

Lo'ak can't help reaching his big hands out to lightly grab at your flesh, his childish mauling eliciting a chuckle from you.

"You really like it?"

His amber eyes shoot up to you in a moment as though your questioning him was the greatest offence on Pandora.

"No baby..." his shit-eating smirk tells you what's to come. What he always says, "I love it."

Your cheeks blush furiously at that, but you give him a little peck on the lips all the same. You don't even bother to try and get out of the needy grip he has on your waist. But it turns out you don't have to at all, as he suddenly glances at your dresser with mischievous eyes.

"Baby?" you question, watching your tall boyfriend lumber over to the chest of drawers, knocking over a few items on his way. With a playful scowl you pick them up, but can't help tilting your head at him in amusement as he begins rummaging through your dresser. "Baby, what are you doing?"

"Looking for something." he states matter-of-factly.

"I can see that, but what?"

"That outfit I gave you when we first got together."

There's a warmth and gentleness in the smile that he flashes over his shoulder at you, and you gulp a little in response.

In truth, you've always been damn-well petrified to sport the tiny beaded top and loin cloth that Lo'ak gifted you months ago. They're beautiful, made of sea grass from the reef and studded with tiny turquoise beads.

But it's a very open weave, and you have no doubt that Lo'ak made them that way on purpose.

"Here they are! You got so many clothes in here, Jesus Christ."

You laugh at your Na'vi boyfriend's use of such a human expression. He learnt it from his Dad, for sure, but it was also testament to how much time he spends with you.

Blue hands outstretched, he holds up the garments. You eye them for a moment too long, and he immediately knows what's going through your little human brain.

"Baby, I know you've never worn something like this before," he crouches down on his knees so he's somewhat at your eye level, and continues in a husky whisper, "but you'd look fine as hell in these..."

"Lo'ak, I'm just too-"

"Beautiful? Divine? Sexy?" His yellow eyes glimmer mischievously. "Please, just put them on for me baby. Just this one time. Please?"

He knows damn well that you can't resist his eyes, lined with long lashes and the colour of molten gold. With a roll of your own eyes, you smile softly and take the pieces of clothing from his awaiting hands.

With a self-satisfied smirk, he watches you saunter off to the bathroom to change.

-

"Baby, I'm gonna die out here if you take any longer! C'mon..."

You snort in derision as you stare at yourself in the tiny bathroom mirror. If anyone's gonna die in this place today, it's you. From embarrassment.

Turning your body every which way, you sigh. Just as you suspected, the minuscule garments leave very little to the imagination, if anything.

Lo'ak's such a perv...

You appreciated your boyfriend's crafting these clothes for you. It showed how much he wanted to assimilate you into his culture. How much you mean to him.

But, despite the fact that the clothes are meant to make you feel more included in Na'vi life, they also highlight how different you are from them.

How your curved waist differs from the lithe structure of Na'vi women. How the thin straps of the loin cloth show off the pronounced softness of your hips and belly. How the stretch marks decorating the tops of your thighs have nowhere to hide.

It's one thing to compare yourself to other human girls, but this is a whole new kettle of fish.

"Baby!"

You're snapped out of your vicious cycle of thoughts by your needy boyfriend. Part of you couldn't bare to, well, lay yourself more-or-less bare for him. But, you know that he won't quit his pestering unless you do.

With one last withering glance directed at your reflection, you take a deep breath before calling back, "Coming!"

Despite the fact that your bathroom is the mere size of a closet, and your bedroom not much bigger, the walk to your boyfriend feels like a damn marathon.

Gnawing at your bottom lip nervously, you clear your throat to catch his attention. It seems that you'd taken so long to pick yourself apart in the mirror, he'd resorted to flopping on your bed. You wondered if he'd taken a short nap in the time it took you to put the Na'vi clothing on.

But when he sits up, it's clear that he's very much awake...

"Baby..." Lo'ak's voice comes out in a husky whisper, laced with want. "Fuck..."

"I know, I know, it doesn't look quite right on me-"

"No."

Your eyes widen at his stern tone. He's always such a joker, such a playful flirt. But looking into his eyes now, hearing his voice, you've never seen him so serious.

"No," he clarified again, "it looks perfect. God it just...shows everything off just right..."

He groans, letting his large hands roam freely. His grip is firm and possessive, yet appreciative and gentle all at once. Barely an inch of your body goes untouched, and you're too dumbstruck to make your usual quips about him being so handsy.

In fact, this excites you. A lot.

"You really like it that much?"

Your question is like deja vu from earlier, but this moment is different somehow. Heated. Wanton. Desperate.

Lo'ak reluctantly detaches one of his hands from your soft belly, instead using his long fingers to hook under your chin with a feather-like touch. He eyes you through those long lashes of his, his fangs peaking out above his bottom lip as his breathing grows erratic as his voice drops an octave;

"You really have no idea what you do to me, do you?"

All you can do is blink down at him and slowly shake your head, inching a little closer. Since he's sat on your bed, holding you stood between his thighs, you're more-or-less at eye level. He takes the opportunity to tease you, going in for a kiss before pausing as his lips brush yours and he whispers in a gravelly tone.

"Why don't I show you, then?"

[datura-tea]

holy shit this year marks 10 years of this blog and moz!! i can't remember the exact date i started posting here - my archive says i have one post from november 2013 but let's disregard that - but i do remember it was around late 2014/early 2015 :)

^ one of the very first moz art pieces i ever drew, for fallout week 2015!!

memories and art through the years under a read more bc it got long

2014 → baby's first rpg!! i started playing fnv on my cousin's jailbroken xbox late 2013 and finished mid 2014 and i loved every minute of it. i remember waking up at 8am and playing almost nonstop until 2am the next day haha!

i didn't play moz on my first playthrough - but i did start creating a character that would eventually become her: a shorthaired ex-boxer who punched her way through obstacles when diplomacy failed. i remember she spent a lot of time with boone. i liked him then, because he saved my ass more times than i can count. but i digress. this is draft 1 moz essentially

2015 → this is the year that i was doing my thesis so i could graduate but i was so depressed and stressed about it that i distracted myself by replaying fnv on pc, where i played through the dlcs for the first time. i fell in love with the dlcs' oversarching story; particularly ulysses, who i became obssessed with, especially since i couldn't find any content of him at the time. in the game, i played as moz; i had most of her personality and choices down, but her backstory was still up in the air.

fun fact: this was an existing sideblog that i remade to be a fallout blog so i could look for ulysses content, and when i couldn't find any, i made some myself, featuring moz as my main courier six. originally, i didn't ship them, but eventually i ended the year as a courier/ulysses otp shipper.

this was the year i started drawing digitally - my uncle let me borrow a drawing tablet and i used an old copy of photoshop i pirated hehe

2016 → i graduated this year!! and promptly fell deeper into my depression. this was the year that it got so bad that i had to be medicated. through it all, this blog and moz and ulysses and my fandom friends were with me. and for that i am truly grateful :) this was the year i figured out how to lock transparent pixels so that i could color my lineart lol

2017 → i started hammering out moz's backstory this year i think. there's a lot of sketches of her and her family in my files. i experimented with shading and backgrounds here but that experimentation was pretty short-lived

2018 → i started using references seriously!!!! i did a lot of oc on oc kissing this year, featuring mostly moz and many friend ocs haha

2019 → didn't draw much this year. actually this year was a blur and i can't remember much from it except from it being the year of my terrible no good bad copywriting jobs... anyway i did manage to continue my courier/ulysses brainrot and make this piece, which i'm still proud of

2020 → pandemic time. i spent a lot of time asleep at home and i think this was also the year i started doing commissions?? shoutout to anyone who has ever commissioned me - thank you so much, i truly appreciate it!!

2021 → i switched from my old-ass pirated photoshop to clip studio paint and never looked back. also i did a bunch of commissions for my grandmother's surgery, which failed, and i distracted myself from the sadness by drawing my ocs over and over and playing disco elysium

2022 → by this year, i've got moz down pat and have started vaguely developing other ocs instead. but she's still always at the back of my mind

2023 → i bought new brushes from true grit texture supply and immediately found new favorites that i started using for everything. i tentatively started incorporating background elements in some pieces!

2024 → while it's still too early to say where this year will lead me art-wise, i will say that i started experimenting in realistic paint studio (which i bought in 2021, the same time as clip studio paint) a few days ago and i'm liking the results so far. we'll see!

all in all, these last 10 years have been quite a ride, but i'm glad i stuck around and i'm glad you guys stuck around too!! much much love 💖💖💖

[nsyncat]

OK, so this is my first post EVER since I joined Tumblr like ten years ago. Always been a lurker, enjoying all of the wonderful things here, the gifs, fics, ships, art, all the knowledge and all the amazing heritage posts, but never posting and hardly reblogging, I don't know why, was always afraid I would make a mistake or reblogg incorrectly...

Anyway, the reason this is my first time posting is because THAT amazing moment that happened a week ago, and I've been losing my mind ever since, and unfortunately I have nobody to share this excitement with that will understand... So I had to get it out somehow, and here seems like the perfect place to do so.

I don't know if anybody will read this or pay it any attention, but never mind, I just have TO. GET. IT ALL. OUT!

So I've been a loyal fan of 9-1-1 this past six years, got hooked to these kind of first responders dramas, also Station 19 and then of course Lone Star. I fell in love with the writing, the drama and action, the characters of course, the emotional and moving stories, both of the regular cast and the people in the emergencies (am not afraid to admit that I cried more than a few times, especially when I was pregnant... woooh, that was a tough season for me).

Anyway, like everyone else, got invested in Buck's storyline and of course hopped on the Buddie train in season 2. And obviously there was something between them, and the fandom always clowned themselves that "in the next season SOMETHING is going to happen!" and I always wanted to believe it, and also fooled myself a few times but always was the cold harsh realist and realised it was not going to happen... But enjoyed the ride nonetheless, read amazing fics, saw wonderful fanart, read interesting breakdowns and analysis.

And then 704 happened and I'm not joking or exaggerating, my life changed!

Confirming that Buck is Bi was amazing! I'm ashamed to admit that I really thought it won't happen, EVER! So I still can't believe it actually happened (thank you soooo much ABC!) and like a lot of you, I've been on cloud nine this past week and can't wait for tomorrows episode (also not from the US), literally counting down the hours.

And look, I love Buddie, I really do, but I fell in love with TEVAN (my favourite one yet) 😍 and been OBSESSED with them this past week. Just from those few moments between them and what we barely know that is going to happen the next episode, I truly fell in love with them and really hope they make it as far as they can. I think its an amazing thing for Buck and also CANT. STOP. WATCHING THE KISS! The actors did an incredible job, especially Oliver, also with his spoken support of the storyline and his love for Buck. Such a KING! So this whole thing is huge.

And I have a one-year-old, my life is hectic with taking care of a little human being, a hubby who is also very busy, work, family and a million other things and this past year with a heavy heart I kinda neglected reading fics, and it was my main hobby, my escape, my one and constant thing in my LIFE since I was 12. I do read here and there, but not like I used to, reading hours and hours and into the night, multi chapters and long oneshots, in multiple fandoms, and now whenever I do get to read something once In a blue moon I'm not fully invested or enjoying it because either I'm tired or have something else more important to do. And unfortunately, eventually I noticed that I lost this fire, the passion in me and it left me sad and heartbroken...

And then something incredible happened. Ever since that earth-shattering kiss, the fire and passion came back! Holy shit! I've been reading and ENJOYING fics nonstop this whole week, I can't concentrate on work thinking about everything and reading in-between tasks, I use every single free minute I have to search new fics and scroll through the tags, I go to sleep late because I need to read just one more fic(!!!) even tough I have to wake up very early in the morning and I DON'T EVEN CARE. I'm thinking about it sooo much and imagining new scenarios in my head, and feeling giddy and happy, in a good mood a lot of the time, more optimistic, knowing I have a new and exciting place I can "escape" to, like I had in the past.

Its not that i'm not happy, I have an amazing son and a wonderful husband and I cherish every moment with them, but these are hard and difficult times and life can be hard and stressful and I'm a different kind of happy... So these past few days have been nourishment for my soul and my mood, it sounds so silly but its true! I'm feeling a bit like my old self and it's amazing.

And if someone did read this or did pay attention and got to this point, sorry for the long rant and thank you so much for the patience and understanding 🙏 I love you and wish you a wonderful weekend and happy Buck's-first-date-with-a-man day! 🥰

So I want to thank, from the bottom of my heart, ABC, Oliver, Lou and you crazy lot for resurrecting my old fangirl self 😌 I'm so grateful for all your posts, your takes, your similar enjoyment and of course your amazing fics you're writing and sharing 🩵

[sable-skies]

I wanna see some drama.

Rank the Chain from 'good boy' to 'MY SCRIMBLO. MY BLORBO. BRAIN PARASITE. LITTLE STINK MAN BABY BOY'

oh boy this is gonna be interesting.

okay okay so lets make a few things clear: I haven't played every zelda game, so my opinions on the boys are mostly based on vibes or my personal headcanons for them! For reference, I've played a lot of modern loz games, but not a lot of the old ones. so take my opinions with the biggest grain of salt :]

We'll go in ascending order of good boy to scrimblo, because i love the dramatics.

9. Good Lad - Time.

Okay, I'm so sorry to all the OoT and MM enjoyers out there, but I do not care for these games. I have no attachment to them, and growing up on the internet in the late 2000s and early 2010s, where everyone and their mom acted like OoT was the tits with fries, has forever kinda ruined my relationship with those games. I acknowledge what they did for the series, and that they're important for 3D Zelda's as a whole, but holy shit. People on the internet were OBNOXIOUS

That being said, I still love Time! I'm more attached to him via the Hero's Shade rather than his own games, but I still like him regardless. I don't have many thoughts on him though past enjoying that he acts like a perpetually old man. Yknow that one post thats like "hey grandpa." "THE WARRR" "okay." Thats him.

Overall, 10/10 lad, I enjoy him a lot and I feel like he'd be nice to me so we're even steven.

8. Gooder Lad - Warriors.

It's been so long since I've played Hyrule Warriors, and I never played its DLC because I was a poor teenager at the time, but I appreciate the captain a lot! He's only higher than Time because I've actually played his games, so a technicality really.

Otherwise I love this slightly arrogant but otherwise whole and good hearted fella, and I love it when people give him dragon imagery. I also like to think he might be the most normal guy out of the entire group, like he's got a 401K and a retirement organized back in his time, so when he talks to everyone else and learns that they're literally just wild children he's like "huh. hm."

7. Gooby Lad - Wind.

THE GROUP BABEY!! THE ITTY BITTY FELLA!! Love him, love him so much. It's been years since I played Wind Waker and I never played Phantom Hourglass, but I loved this guys whole 100+ personality and everything. And dude, his whole journey being one fueled by personal stakes to get his sister back? Love it, absolutely love it.

I like to think he's the group baby at 13, with Four being 14, and it pisses him off endlessly. He wants to grow up so he can be of use to everyone around him, but little does he know that everyone wants to protect him because they want him to enjoy his youth, not like the rest of them who lost it in some form or another. Overall, excellent lad.

6. Goodest Lad - Four.

Again, did not play this dude's games, but I read the Four Swords manga so I'm a bit more familiar with his whole vibe. Hell a couple of years ago I did a headcanon post on how he divides into four people (based on personality theories), and I like his depth because of it.

I also love how he's probably given too much responsibility because of his maturity within the group, he's still a kid but because he acts a lot older sometimes the others just kinda forget. I also like to think that when he's having an internal/emotional issue he'll write up a note, split himself, and let the four figure it out. they'll find the note and it says some shit like "20 minutes. Figure it out. (please)"

Also he's excellent material for the burnt out gifted child. Love that for him.

5. The slightest of scrimblo - Hyrule

THIS DUDEEEE a few years ago I kinda dipped back into LU for a bit and found this artist that made some fucking like. renaissance shit for him and that's what unlocked my love for this dude. Unfortunately, I cannot remember the artist so i must live with the memory.

I really like how alone he was in his journey, how he only had the land and nature itself to guide him and offer comfort. Love how when he enters a bigger group he has to learn how to work in that setting, alongside maybe come out of his wilderness tended shell. Also I like to think that his possible fae traits make him a bit more uncanny than people realize.

4. A bit more blorbo - Sky

Eepy guy (just like me FRRR), overall fatigued but still kind hearted fella, I love it. I loved his game (fuck you Arin Hansen /j), and I love the personal stakes he has in that game as well. It's actually the only LoZ game that makes me a ZeLink truther, because otherwise I'm neutral on it.

What I also enjoy about him a lot is the untapped terrifying energy he could have. He's a god-killer, Hylia's Chosen Hero, he may not show it a lot, but I think he has the potential to really fuck some shit up but chooses kindness. I would love to write something someday where he's forced to choose otherwise.

But yeah squishy soft guy oh my goodness wubwuwbuwbuwbwubwb :33333

3. Blorbo parasitism - Wild.

The first parasite. The first brainworm on this list. I need to get an anti-parasite antibiotic.

OBVIOUSLY all the angst and buildup from his games is so much fun. I love when he has an internal crisis of going back to who he was 100 years ago, a quiet and burdened knight, or allowing himself to remain free-spirited and a bit deranged that his new life has given him. It's such a fun dynamic. And of course, I love his bond with Twilight. I think he needs someone to set him on the right path every once in awhile.

I also like to think he has a subtle undead quality to him. Similar to his mentor, something is inherently wrong with him on a spiritual or magical level, but that's for later. (maybe)

2. The ultimate stink - Twilight.

THE GUY!!! MY FAVORITE GUY!! No matter what he will always be the number 1 Link incarnation in my heart. I love him so much and when things get rough I just gotta be like "Twilight wouldn't want this for me" and keep on fuck it we ballin.

The untapped ANGST and TRAUMA from his journey drives me insane, I literally could write a whole essay about the shit he endured and how that must have affected him. I wanna write something one day about it but alas, perpetually tired, and I'm nervous about my writing so wheh.

Also I like to think he's horror adjacent. Don't ask me why, I couldn't tell you, but he has the same vibe as the dog from The Thing (1982) to me and I love that for him.

Actual fucking war criminal parasite in my head GET OUT GET OUT GET OUTTTT - Legend.

UGH this fucker. Who let this guy in???? Kill him, smasha with rock.

But on a serious note, while I finished his games (only really played ALBW), the depth he has from those adventures intrigues me endlessly. I love his bitter exterior yet still warm and kind heart, I love characters who act mean but are genuinely good deep down, they just need time to show it.

Also something possesses me when I draw him that makes him look so much more cunty than he actually is and I don't know what it is. I'm sorry for this, I cannot fight what the universe is clearly telling me to do.

He only outrights Twilight rn, because otherwise he would switch places with him. For now he's in my head and I'm shining sunlight on him through a magnifying glass like he's an ant on the pavement. Something Will Happen To Him if I have anything to say about it.

[ehh-is-the-name]

II 18 AM I RIGHT FOLKS????

OH MY FCJING GODD, I didn't visit this site for like 4 days just to not get spoiled and that was THE CORRECT DECISION!!!

WE STAY WINNING!!!! TAKE MY VIDEO AND GIFS!!!!

First of all, let's just all take a minute to appreciate the best part <3

There was the pg line later, and I really don't blame them. I mean... come on now this felt graphic. It's literally like if someones guts was splayed across the ground after an explosion. I love it but holy shit. Anyway my favourite gif on my PC:

Him getting his comeuppance is what I needed. I can die peacefully now <3

At the same time, I really can't get over this-

I mean, just look at the way he's staring- He definitely wants a bite.

= - - =

Now that I got that out of my system let me start from the top.

I can't be the only one to think that he might've been thinking about... Ya know. Let's just say season 1 finale-ing it again once he realised that Cobs wasn't holding him. Though that might be projection, he was probably just looking at everything truly being gone.

THIS SCENE ACTUALLY GAVE ME CHILLS. MePhone was so silent for every part up to this, hearing him sound absolutely petrified to the cut to the stabbing is ACTUALLY terrifying. God, it was like the suitcase being torn in half scene except real-

The abusive alcoholic father memes were right.

^ Quite literally my reaction to the first half of the ep today. Literally guess he's really good at hitting. Cobs can't swing a sword (thank god) but apparently, he can hit hard enough to fucking shatter glass in one hit.

This one too... Bro's cared about them so much and I can't with this shit man- I FUCKING CAN'T!!! LITERALLY MAKING SURE NOBODY COULD DIE OVER THIS SHIT AGAIN-

I actually can't y'all. I finished this ep like 4 hours ago and I still can't unhear or unsee these scenes.

"I made you so I can unmake you"??? "I desurve this"????? "You wanted my approval but I didn't care if you lived or died"!!! HOLY FUCKIN SHIT-

Sure, I could pull a book outta Cobs' and be like "lol he's dead who cares about a dead man" but DAWGS I can't stop thinking about the layers of trauma literally everyone's going to deal with specifically mephone because I'm a mephone head, sorry not sorry at all. In the span of a day, he watched everyone he cared about die, come back to life, his brother die, his abuser die, and move on from the reminder of his abuser (inanimate insanity). Like that's a lot to happen in a day guys. That's A FUCKTON to happen in a day. BOX IS ALIVE TOO- LIKE C'MON THiS IS CUFKCING CRASZY.

I don't even know what to say about this scene, I just really like it. Maybe it's 'cause he pulled out his kernels. Moving on.

This scene fuckin' gets me- His fuckin' "THEY'RE STILL ALIVE????" Will always get me. Maybe it's 'cause of all the talk of them being dead it just gets me that he got to know that they weren't, and that they didn't die <3

Top 10 scenes that make me glad Cobs exploded. I can't believe he fucking died for our sins (I'm still coping).

THE WAY HE WAS WITH MEPAD BEFORE HE WOKE UP </3 I can't believe they fucking killed him after showing this in the beginning.

That transition from early s2 to late s2 style was phenomenal, but just look at the scene- MePhone essentially talking to a brick wall about the show is killing me. MePhone probably felt more close to MePad than MePad did about him. I say that but I'm not saying MePad didn't care about him on some level. But y'all know. Also not overlooking the "Enhancing Obedience Emulation" installation either. I guess that's what makes him dying for our sins more meaningful. I can't believe he's fucking dead,.

Close to lastly 'cause I'm runing out of imgs in this post and I want to look through the tag now, I'M SO HAPPY TOILET'S ALIVE!!! ANd apparently not made by Mephone? Like MePad was talking about toilet when he showed up and idk- maybe I gotta watch that scene over again- Idon't know y'all. I'm feeling so many things this series finale.

OH OH AND THE SCENE WITH BOT'S LEGS AND FAN GOING "This is gonna be a whole thing, isn't it" WITH BOW IN THE FOREGROUND. IT FUCKING BETTER BE!!!! I NEED THEM TO TALK!!! PLEASE!

Oh and actual last thing, I actually SCREAMED when 3gs came on screen here.

Everything about this scene. There were many objects being mirrored, like Box and Suitcase, but 3gs and Mephone being face to face with breaks made the title click. They've always been mirrors of each other and I didn't even realise it. They're both free and it's genuinely beautiful. I hope the demolish Meeple as an act of freeing everyone there. I want the metags free, I want mecintosh free, everyone. Very glad 4s still exists inside of Mephone, it was so nice to see him, but I really want everyone to be free. Can't believe Mepad fuckin' died for our sins.... Everyone grew in someway or another, I think.

All in all, I'm just glad the corn man's dead <3

I didn't make popcorn but he did burn!!

Happy inanimate insanity y'all! We've made it to the end of an era <3

[cow-legs]

What are some of your favorite videogames? ♡ ♡ ♡

(extremely long post incoming lol turns out i have a lot of things to say on this subject)

usually i have too hard of a time trying to remember anything i like to have answers for questions like these but thankfully for this one i have answers prepared since this is something i try to think about a lot

realistically if i had to pick one single "favorite videogame" above the rest itd probably just, like, ocarina of time & majora's mask (i'm considering them to be one videogame because i said so, it;s a package deal), just on account of how much of an impact they had on me from an early age combined with just how often i Still go back to revisit them in one way or another, but this is just about the most basic boring answer a person can have for this question unfortunately

thankfully you asked for some of my favorites instead of just one so i can unveil my Actual list of favorites instead of the one that only holds the top spot by technicality and not because i actually like it "the most". all of my favorite games have such a range in style and quality it's hard to really compare them in any meaningful way

anyway

crypt worlds, space funeral, and off-peak are all pretty different games made by very different people but i usually group them together when talking about stuff like this since collectively finding them all back in the day at roughly the same time kind of shaped my perception of indie games as a whole which probably gave me a very weird and skewed perception of the media but who gives a shit really it's a perception i hold dear. (they weren't the first indie games i ever saw of course but they were the most personally impactful ones that made me go "holy shit, this is awesome, you can do literally whatever you want")

they've pretty heavily influenced my own games, too. there have been multiple times i've started a project and then days later realized "wait shit this is just space funeral again. i'm just making space funeral again but slightly to the left. fuuuck" which is a pretty good problem to have i think.

anyway,

gadget: invention, travel, and adventure is an old point and click game i found a few years ago that struck me by just how unique feeling its atmosphere is. strange looking people turn to you and say even stranger sounding things, the soundtrack feels like its having a nervous breakdown, the main character is given so few meaningful decisions/actions (read: basically none) by the people around them that it can barely be considered a game at all…it is a very fascinating experience, and one that i think back to a lot

i like Your Turn To Die a lot and am very excited to see how it ends, though i feel like i don't have too much to say on it here. one of those games that has me going "oh man i should draw more fanart for that one of these days" every time i'm reminded of it only to then remember that i Can't Fucking Draw right now lmao

myhouse.wad is something that extremely deserves to go on this list but a large part of my brain is telling me not to just because somewhere along the line i fucked up and became allergic to anything that has ever recently become popular & trendy on youtube because i don't want to look like a poser even though literally no one but me cares about where i hear about these things so i can only bring myself to include it if i also state that i played it BEFORE it was cool &all the streamers started covering it like some kind of shameful hipster. but for real though its awesome, very inspiring stuff. i wish my brain did not force me to want to distance myself from it for literally no good reason. fucking ocarina of time is on this list why is this the thing that makes you afraid of looking like a normie

i have a lot of appreciation for myst in a kind of "i've never played more than 5 minutes of this nor have i even bothered to watch a playthrough of it but i understand what you have done for me and the games i love that came after you" kind of way. i have purchased 3 different copies of it over the years as well as a copy of riven and i don't intend on playing any of them anytime soon. great game, probably. i wouldn't know.

i like a lot of kitty horrorshow's games but i don't really know what my favorite would be. lethargy hill is probably the one i think about most often though.

i like (the steam version of) dwarf fortress a lot and have been trying to play it more often. it is very funny having 80 hours in a game and still not feeling like you understand half the mechanics in it. figuring it out as i go along has been fun though. in a similar vein i also like elden ring a lot and despite being at over 160 hours on that one i still haven't beaten it. i need to get back to it before the dlc comes out but i stopped playing for so long that most of my muscle memory is gone…

for something much more recent than all of the above, absolutely perfect specimen is something really incredible that gave me a lot of stuff to think about, though it can be a little hard to recommend since it's extremely 18+ and has a whole big list of content warnings you definitely need to take heed of. extremely interesting work though, i like it a lot.

i'm running out of things to list off and should probably stop just for the sake of time even if there is more shit that deserves mentioning so i'll just end it off with CLONE ON NET YAROZE BABYYYYYY LET'S FUCKIN GO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💯💪🙌💥💯💯

[lil-ms-dipst]

Minecraft music is the best fucking thing my god

Like.. This post is specifically about me. If you prefer another OST that's fine I'm not saying yours is invalid but holy FUCK bro. Minecraft soundtrack just.. hits a part of my brain that nothing else can. Is it because I've been playing it for about 10-11 years now?? Maybe. Is it because I've spent countless dollars on it including dropping 50$ on fucking CROCS???? Maybe. But something about the soundtrack is just.. it's pure bliss to me. Like, my ADHD?? Fucking gone. My brain unscrambles itself, even if it's just for a little bit, whenever a Minecraft song comes on. Now there's C418, which of course I grew up with as he was the only artist really for the early soundtracks. But the new artists (I say new as if the Caves & Cliffs update isn't from like 2-3 years ago) are amazing too. An Ordinary Day literally carried my ass through my first year of college. Any time I'd have a mental breakdown or knew I was about to I just put it on and.. waited. Everything would be okay. During my senior year of high school or before my therapy Minecraft song was either of the 1.13 tracks that play specifically when you're underwater. And Infinite Amethyst too, god such a good song. That one helped a lot too, especially when needing to nap. I had a mental breakdown at work yesterday due to getting a horrific dinner rush I am not used to getting and everybody around me getting a bit pissy and our order screen just wouldn't clear up and we were running low on everything. I knew I was about to explode, so I tell the manager I need to use the bathroom and in there I just begin texting my parents. Besides their comfort, I put on the Minecraft soundtrack (starting with some Caves and Cliff shit of course) and like magic everything felt better. Everything felt nice and calm and happy. I don't know what causes it but fuck I am so happy I found music that works like this. I use Minecraft music to help me focus on homework too, especially shit I don't want to do at all. Helps me focus when my meds can't, because ADHD be damned. Nothing really shows how much a soundtrack can make you feel better than when you're naked in the shower crying your eyes out and you put on that song and just.. you feel better. Or you are about to have a breakdown and you need to just clear your head before your next class so you spend like twenty minutes just.. eyes closed drifting in your thoughts.. with that one song. Or struggling to focus on something you don't wanna do so you put on that one song. I am so happy for the existence of the Minecraft soundtrack and the way it's impacted me is beyond anything I can put into words. Sure, it gave me literal like years of bullying since I was 8 that never stopped until I was like 17, but it also gave me this music, and tons of friends I would've never met otherwise. It gave me creativity and a way to express it before I could figure out other ways. It just. It is so lovely.

[bearvanhelsing]

OC Tag Game!

Tagged by @outeremissary Thank you so much! it's been a hot minute since I've posted on Tumblr!! I have a very small amount of followers and I think most have been tagged in this so I'll leave it be in terms of tagging! Favorite OC: Kind of depends! different ones occupy my mind at different times! Even though I don't get to play her a lot and she isn't quite as fleshed out as others because of that, I'm very into Aria right now. I have a lot of fun thinking about her and the different ways I can make her more interesting. I also love that most of the commissions I've gotten of her portray her as hot and confident but when I actually play her she's only like that maybe 8 % of the time and spends most of the game getting roasted or embarrassing herself by being a jackass. Newest OC: My New Vegas Courier, Jean!! She loves ED-E like a son, also kind of a technofetishist but not militantly so like the Brotherhood

Oldest OC: In terms of age or when I came up with them? I don't have any that are actually old, I tend to play characters within a few years of age from myself! (I should change that) but Adelaide ends Kingmaker in her early 30's tho. Oldest in terms of when I came up with them... I'm sure you could point to some toy I sona-fied when I was little but in recent memory maybe Zhin, a homebrew rat man from a 5e campaign I played a few years ago. Meanest OC: Outwardly the most mean is probably Aria, her temper is too hot and she's not afraid to use her words to cut deep if she's especially irritated. Actually, the meanest is probably Adelaide because she worships Barbatos and oh my GOD holy shit, that guy is fucked up. Softest OC: Think the only one I have that qualifies is Ophelia, my Owlin witch (Divination wizard but flavored as a witch) for 5e that I haven't gotten to play yet. She's from a large coven of bene-gesserit-esque witches that were mostly elven or human so she went through a lot of bullying and hardship but maintains a positive outlook and love for people. Also stole Tali from mass Effect's pilgrimage plot line ahsflah I'm not sorry, I think that's a cool thing for a witch in a coven to do too! Most aloof/standoffish OC: Aria takes that easily. Like Emi, I too have a soft spot for characters with a mean streak and Aria is my spiteful little fool. Dumbest (affectionate) OC: Zhin my rat man that I mentioned earlier! he was like a little gremlin creature! couldn't do much talking but point him at dudes to fight and he was very happy Smartest OC: Ophelia has terrible street smarts but near encyclopedic book smarts. Horniest OC: Tyrel!!! Finally found a spot you buddy!!! OC you’d be best friends with irl: Ophelia is the safest option here but I'd probably like Tyrel a lot assuming I knew nothing about his private life lmao

[golbrocklovely]

the chosen daughter // colby brock - chapter twenty-one

A/N: i can't believe it's been four months since i last posted. it doesn't feel like it was that long ago. sorry about the long wait, everyone. hopefully this very eventful chapter makes up for it. i promise to get the next one out sooner rather than later. let me know what you guys think ! see you next time and enjoy :)

story description

trigger warning: violence, fighting, uncomfortable/creepy behavior, cursing, club scene, drinking, mentions of blood, vampire powers, manipulation

word count: 4952

~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up in the morning after leaving work early, I was exhausted. My anger from last night was still very prominent. I knew I couldn't go back in today. The idea of seeing that bar, or Roger, or Ronnie... I could feel my blood boiling.

I needed a night off. I needed a night to just have fun. Go crazy, relax. Pretend that danger didn't exist around every corner.

“I want to party tonight.” I stated abruptly, walking into the apartment, and shoving my bag down.

Tara gazed up at me, her eyes widening. “What?”

“I want to party tonight. Like, here, at the Trapp Haus.” I repeated.

Kat sat up quickly, her mouth dropping. “Really? Oh my God.”

I furrowed my brows at them jokingly, “What's that reaction for?”

“We’re just surprised. You don't exactly scream 'partying type'.” Tara admitted.

“Well, tonight I am.” I scanned the rest of the apartment, “Kevin?”

He called from the kitchen, “Yeah? What's up, Jade?”

“Have you had your second human night already?” I asked, stepping towards him.

“No, it's next week. Why?” He answered.

I batted my eyelashes overdramatically, “Can you please make it tonight?”

“Jade wants to go crazy.” Kat chimed in from the couch.

He rolled his eyes but smiled, slowly walking towards the apartment door. “...Give me five minutes, I'll tell my connections to tell everyone.”

“Thanks Kevin!” I yelled, watching him walk down the stairs.

“Now, what do you plan to wear?” Tara questioned, strutting up to me.

I huffed. “...Shit. I haven't really ever bought club clothes before.”

“No need to worry, I have a dress that I think will look perfect on you.” Tara requested over her shoulder, “Kat, can you do her makeup?”

Kat nodded. “Of course.”

I puzzled. “Makeup?”

“Just a little. You're gonna look so hot, Colby's gonna have to kill all the guys in the club.” Tara joked.

Kat hummed, getting off the couch and grabbing my hand. “And he probably will anyway.”

~\/\/~

“Jade, are you ready?” Tara shouted from outside the bathroom.

“Yeah, give me a minute.” I responded.

After hours of saying I wanted to party, the time had finally come. Kevin was nice enough to give everyone the night off, including Colby. He bumped up security so that they didn't need to be on high alert. So, everyone was ready to party. And I was too.

I think.

I cocked my head from side to side, staring at myself in the mirror. I looked nice, I guess. The red dress Tara had given me surprisingly fit. It was just a bit short. But I weirdly didn't mind it. I needed this dress tonight. I needed to let loose and have fun. That was the whole point of this night.

I just need to take a couple shots and I'd be golden.

I finally stepped out of the bathroom, glancing around the apartment. Tara and Kat picked their heads up, looking at me. Their eyes widened, their smiles bright. “Holy shit, Jade! You look gorgeous!”

Sam and Jake turned to me, a surprised look coming to their faces.

Sam glanced over me, “Wow... Jade. You look really...”

“Hot.” Jake grinned.

Tara smacked Jake's arm hard, a loud wince falling from his lips. “Jesus, what was that for?!”

“You're just so smackable sometimes,” Tara jeered, her attention turning back to me. “How do you feel?”

“I'm okay. A little nervous. Haven't worn a dress in... a very long time.” I noticed we were missing a couple different people, “Where's the rest of XPLR?”

“Kevin is already in the VIP section, and Mike has been out all day, but he'll be here later if he isn't here now,” Kat informed, and then nodded towards the stairs. “And Colby... is coming up right now.”

“Are you guys finally ready to par-” Colby's eyes landed on me, snaking up and down my body. I raised an eyebrow at him, and in the blink of an eye he was in front of me.

I giggled at his expression, “Hi.”

“Hey. What... are you wearing?” He gazed down at my body, cupping my hips.

“Tara is lending me it.” I explained.

Colby bit his lip, nodding his head. “Oh, thank you Tara.”

“You're welcome.” Tara snickered.

“I don't think you can leave, though.” Colby continued.

“What? Why?” I pouted.

“I don't know if I can let you leave this apartment with that dress on.” His icy blue eyes landed on mine, his voice low, “I think I have to take it off first.”

A blush rose to my cheeks, a tiny gasp falling from my lips. "Colby."

“Did I tell you that you look beautiful yet?” He whispered, getting close to my face.

I shook my head, biting back a smile, “No.”

“You look beautiful.” He pecked my lips sweetly, taking my breath for a moment.

“Alright lovebirds, you ready to go?” Sam queried.

“Yeah, we're coming.” Colby slid his leather jacket off, slipping it over my shoulders. “Here, wear my jacket.”

“But I'm not cold.” I argued.

“He's just trying to cover up your scent a bit.” Tara turned to Colby, “You shouldn't worry about her smell. There's plenty of humans in the club.”

“As if that's the only reason someone would come up to her.” Jake mumbled, leaning away from Tara as she went to smack his arm again.

Colby kept me close as we slowly left the apartment and entered the club. The music hit me hard, the thumping of the beat making me want to move my body. Kevin waved us over, his eyes landing on me as he whistled. “Damn, Jade. Look at you. Gorgeous as ever.”

“Thank you Kevin.” I laughed.

“Woah,” Mike looked me over, “You're actually kinda hot, Jade.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “And you're still kind of a dick, Mike.”

Kat chuckled, “Where the hell have you been all day, anyway?”

“Just busy.” He shrugged.

“Alright, alright. Enough of the semantics. Here's a shot for everyone.” Kevin belted over the loud music, passing out the shots.

I whined sarcastically, “No chaser?”

“Chasers are for pussies.” Mike remarked.

I quipped, “You mean the thing you don't get?”

Mike feigned hurt, clutching his chest, “Ooh, you burn me, Jade.”

“Bite me Mike.” I hissed.

Mike smirked, his mischievous eyes staring into mine, "Cheers Jade."

Kevin yelled, clinking his glass with ours, "Cheers everyone!"

~\/\/~

The night was beginning to blur after the three mixed drinks had settled into my system. I kept people watching occassionally, staring down at the club dance floor. I really wanted to dance, but Colby wouldn't.

I glared at Colby, sighing loudly. “You're so lame, you know that, right?”

“For not dancing? No, it would be lamer if you saw my dance moves,” Colby grabbed his drink, taking a sip. “Or... lack thereof.”

“We’ll go with her.” Tara smirked, “Don't be a loser, Colby.”

Mike suddenly spoke. “I'll go down with them.”

“What?” Kat, Tara, and I questioned.

He chuckled, “I said I'll go down with you guys. I need to stretch my legs anyway. This booth isn't made for 6'4 tall people.”

I didn’t try to argue, even though I was confused about Mike. “Alright, I now have three bodyguards. Am I okay to go down? Not to mention that there is no way anyone, Rinaldi or Max, could have gotten in without us knowing.”

Colby paused, and then nodded his head. “Yeah, go ahead. I'll watch from up here in case.”

I beamed, kissing his cheek quickly as Kat grabbed my hand, following Tara and Mike down the steps of the VIP and going out onto the dance floor. The song changed into a more upbeat dance track, and the crowded club intensified. I started swaying my hips, Tara and Kat following suit with me. I let my body move along with the music, closing my eyes. A moment later, I felt someone close to me. I opened my eyes, expecting Tara or Kat. But my eyes landed on Mike's tall frame. I stopped, staring at his face. He grinned, shimmying his shoulders to the song. I held back a laugh, never seeing him dance before.

His ears caught my laugh, even through the loud music. "What? We can't all be good at dancing like you, Jade."

I raised an eyebrow at his comment, “I'm just surprised. Didn't see you as the shimmying type.”

"I do a good two-step sometimes." He side-stepped back and forth. I followed his lead, mimicking his dance. Suddenly, he grabbed my hand and spun me.

I stumbled, grabbing his arm, “Oh my God, don't do that! The world is already a little spinny.”

“What? You've only had three drinks. How adorable, you're a light-weight.” He glanced over my body again.

Was he… flirting with me?

I gasped, swatting at him. “I'm not a light-weight! I just haven't drank in a while.”

“That's why you gotta be like me. Drink every day, and you never have to worry about being a light-weight.” He sang.

I teased, “I think you have a problem, Mike.”

“Yeah, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm eternally 24.” He deadpanned, getting close to me again.

I shrugged, stepping back. “Could be.”

“All this talk about drinking has really made me thirsty. I'll be right back.” He pointed towards the bar.

I watched Mike walk away from us, and I slowly turned to Kat and Tara. “What the hell was that?”

“What?” Kat puzzled.

“Mike was... actually nice to me.” And may have flirted with me…

Tara’s mouth gaped open. “Oh my God, hell must have froze over.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “I'm just so surprised. He's been a dick to me since the beginning. Why change now?”

“Maybe he's finally starting to come around to you,” Tara commented. “Maybe he realizes that Colby actually cares about you, and he just needs to accept you ain't going anywhere.”

“He was a rude to me when I first met him and Kevin.” Kat reassured.

I cocked my head, “Really?”

“...No,” She frowned. “But maybe Tara's right. Maybe he's just trying to be friendly.”

“I don't know...” My voice trailed off.

“Well, don't harp on it too much. This is your night to enjoy.” Tara cheered over the music, “So shake some fucking ass!”

~\/\/~

After a couple hours of coming on and off the dance floor with Tara, Kat, and Mike, I was starting to get tired and needed to be away from the club. Most importantly, I needed to take off my heels and switch into literally any other shoe.

“Where is everyone?” I asked, glancing around.

“Kevin's making sure the bars are still stocked, Kat and Tara are people watching with Sam and Jake, and Mike... went to the bathroom, I think.” Colby mentioned, leaning into me.

I smiled drunkenly, wrapping my arm around his shoulder. “How are you doing, babe?”

He snorted, looking me up and down. “I'm doing good. You and Mike seem to be having fun.”

“I needed this night. So fucking bad. But I forgot the worst thing about going out.” I huffed, ignoring his comment about Mike.

“The drunk people, the shitty music…” He leaned in close, “your terrible boyfriend not dancing with you?”

I shook my head dramatically. “No... the heels.”

“Oh right, how could I forget?” He sassed.

I slid my arm off him, dragging my body across the booth until I was out of it. “I'm gonna go up to the apartment and put on some sneakers or something.”

“You want me to come with you?” He inquired.

“No, I'll be like five minutes.” I went to leave, stopping abruptly to turn back to him. “Also, you're not terrible for not dancing with me. I expect you to pay me back though.”

Colby’s eyes gazed into mine alluringly, “What would you like as payment?”

I leaned in close, our lips almost brushing. “…I'll take cash.”

He sucked his teeth, sitting back into his seat. He glared lightly at me, “Just go change your shoes.”

I walked into the back office, heading slowly up the stairs. By the time I got to the apartment door, I already had my heels off, groaning in pain. I stumbled into the apartment, and Mike suddenly came out of our bathroom, surprising me.

I exhaled, dropping my shoulders. “Oh shit, you scared me.”

“Sorry.” Mike replied quietly.

“What are you doing up here?” I questioned.

Mike scoffed. “The bathroom downstairs is disgusting.”

I blinked. “Couldn't you just pee outside?”

“Do I look like a dog?” I opened my mouth to respond, but Mike shot me down. “Don't answer that. Why are you here?”

“Well, I do kinda live here. And also, I wanted to change out of my heels. My feet are killing me,” I chucked my heels by the door, walking towards the kitchen. “But first, I'm in dire need of some water.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “You could have gotten some downstairs.”

I sighed. “Yeah, but I just kept forgetting to order some.”

I ripped open the fridge door, grabbing a water bottle quickly. Mike slid between me and the counter, the front of his body brushing against my back.

I cleared my throat. “You could have told me to move.”

“My bad.” He jumped onto the counter, sitting down. He fixed the buttons of his sleeves. “Tonight was a lot of fun.”

I hummed, smiling. “Yeah, and the night isn't even over yet. You know, I kinda actually like you being nice to me.”

“And I actually like being nice to you.” He admitted.

I fake-gasped. “Who would have thought that?”

I took a long sip from the bottle, resting my back against opposite counter. Mike's eyes stared down at my wrist, his face scrunching.

“Your bracelet doesn't match.” Mike noticed.

I furrowed my brows. “What?”

“Your bracelet doesn't match your outfit. You're in a red little number and that's black.” He stated.

I snickered. “Are you giving me fashion advice, Mr. Only-Wears-Black?”

“Well at least everything matches.” He crossed his arms smugly.

“Next time I'll tell Sam and Colby to make me a customizable bracelet.” I remarked.

Mike’s face perked up. “Oh, is that the one that alerts everyone? I’ve never seen it.”

I nodded my head. He pointed at it, "Can I?"

I slid it off, handing it over to Mike. He fiddled around with it in his hands, gazing down at the button.

“It's cool how it tells everyone where you are. I just get a notif on my phone.” He revealed.

“Yeah. I don't know how it works, but Sam is so smart for coming up with it. Well, technically Colby came up with it, but Sam created it.” I half smiled.

“Team effort,” he mumbled. “Here you go.”

I reached out for the bracelet, but Mike dropped it before I could grab it.

“Oh damn, my bad.” He laughed.

I shrugged. “It's no problem, I'll just-”

Before I could bend down, Mike jumped off the counter, crushing the bracelet under his boot. My body froze, a mixture of anger and worry coursed through me.

Mike’s tone changed, his voice no longer sounding friendly. “Shit. Shouldn't have done that either.”

I stammered, trying to play off my fear. “W-why did you jump off right then? I was reaching for it!”

“Guess I don't know my own strength.” His cold eyes landing on mine, “Besides, it's not like you need it.”

“Well now Sam and Colby need to make me another one. In the meantime, what if I'm in danger?” I rambled.

He turned his head to the side, eyeing me. “Do you feel like you're gonna be in danger soon?”

Yes. "No, but who knows what could happen. Max and Rinaldi could show up."

“You know they aren't the only danger you could face, right?” Mike closed the space between us. “There's a club downstairs full of vampires. They could come up here and attack you.”

“But you're here. You wouldn't allow that.” I asserted, narrowing my eyes.

He chuckled, his voice too gentle, “Of course not. Colby would be so pissed off if you got hurt.”

My heart picked up pace at the sound of Colby’s name. “Speaking of, I think I'm gonna head back down to the club.”

“You kinda need shoes to enter the club.” Mike jested.

Fuck me for taking my shoes off.

“I’ll just put my heels back on. I got to rest my feet so I'm good now.” I assured, starting to leave the kitchen.

He shoved his hand down on the counter, blocking me from exiting. He stepped closer. I pressed my body into the counter, trying to keep some space between us. “Why don't you stay up here for another minute? I'm sure Colby can last a little bit longer without you.”

“Mike, what are you doing?” My breath hitched.

“Nothing. I just wanna talk.” He cooed.

I retorted, “Then talk.”

He sighed, inching closer. “Jade, I'm sorry I've been mean to you. I'm just not really good at expressing myself.”

I tried to not roll my eyes, knowing he was lying. “Apology accepted. Now-”

“I'm not done.” He interjected. “Do you wanna know something that is on my mind... right now?”

“Not really, but I have a feeling you're gonna tell me anyway.” I spat, my voice trembling.

“Do you know who I'm really jealous of?” He asked.

Dear Lord above, do not say Colby. "Who?"

“Caleb.” Mike answered.

I finally looked at him, confused. “C-Caleb?”

“Yeah, do you remember him?” He queried.

I swallowed hard. “...I remember his blood splattering across my face when Rinaldi decapitated him in front of me. Kinda can't forget that.”

“Well, I'm actually really jealous of him.” Mike placed his other arm down, completely blocking me from leaving. He leaned in, his eyes never leaving mine. “I'm jealous of the fact that he got to do the one thing I've always wanted to do. Taste... your... blood.”

I exhaled bitingly. “You broke my bracelet on purpose, didn't you?”

A light laugh fell from his lips. “You are so adorable when you're scared.”

In the blink of an eye, Mike's teeth sunk into the flesh of my neck. I screamed out in pain, my pleas cut short from Mike's hand slamming down over my mouth. I bit his fingers as hard as I could, Mike ripping his mouth away laughing. “I love it rough, Jade. You're gonna have to do better than that!”

I kneed him in the balls, a harsh groan falling from his lips. I tried yanking myself towards the farthest drawer, knowing there would be stakes in there. Mike grabbed me by the wrist, spinning me and slamming me into the fridge. His hand wrapped around my neck, holding me against it.

He stared down at my chest, his red eyes devilish. "That necklace is very pretty. Too bad it also doesn't match."

"What are you, the fashion police?" I choked out, clawing at his hand.

"Why don't you tell me about it?" Mike closed his eyes tightly, his hot pink aura appearing and engrossing me. The edges of the aura weren't the same color, a dark red coursed around him. "How did you get that necklace?"

Mike knew his powers didn't work on me. What the fuck was he doing? Was it my blood? Or was it something else?

“Tell me about your necklace, Jade.” He commanded.

“It's my families. It's the only thing I have left of them.” I confessed honestly.

“How sad.” Mike grabbed my wrist, bringing it up to his nose. "God, you smell delicious."

“Colby's gonna kill you when he comes up here.” I snarled, shaking against his tight hold.

He squeezed my throat harder at Colby’s name. “There's not much he can do if you're dead.”

“If you kill me, you can't drink from me.” I challenged, yanking my wrist as hard as I could.

“That's true. What a terrible situation to be in.” He sighed dramatically, “Oh well.”

Mike bit into my wrist, drinking from me slowly. I cried out again, my vision blurring. I shoved my free hand forward, stabbing Mike in the eye with all of my strength. My fake nails pierced through his skin, blood gushing around my fingers. He dropped me, screeching out painfully. I ran, almost reaching the door before being grabbed by Mike. I fought against his hold again, doing my best to throw him off me.

"God, you are so weak. I told Colby you're helpless." He whispered harshly into my ear, menacingly. He spun me around, his one good eye landing on my wound. "I can already feel my powers getting stronger, and I haven't even had that much of your blood. Imagine if I drank you dry."

I begged, fighting against him. “Mike, please don't do this. You don't need to do this.”

"No, I do," Mike ran his tongue against my wound, his teeth just grazing my skin. I held back the urge to vomit on him.

He looked crazed, a mix of his blood and mine running down his face. “This damn necklace needs to come off! It might infect your bite.”

Mike slid his hand up, grabbing the crystal. A shockwave went through me and Mike, a power surging through the necklace and into us, shooting us apart. It launched Mike across the living room, smashing him into the wall. My body slammed into the counters of the kitchen. My body dropped hard from force, my head slamming down on the ground.

~\/\/~

Everything came back to me suddenly. I could hear yelling, a commotion not too far from me. I sat up, my body now on the couch. As my vision came back to me, my eyes landed on Colby being held back by literally everyone. Kevin was holding his arms from behind, Sam and Jake were pushing him into Kevin, telling him to calm down. Kat and Tara stood on the side of him, glaring at Mike, who was on the floor holding up his arms defensively.

“I'm gonna fucking murder you, Mike!” Colby growled, thrashing against Kevin’s hold.

Kevin grunted, “Colby, calm down!”

“I don't even remember what happened!” Mike shouted.

Colby roared, his red eyes narrowing, “Mike, I'll rip your fucking head off!”

I stood up, way too fast, and stumbled a bit. Everyone turned to the sound of me falling into the coffee table. "Colby... don't."

His voice softened, “Jade...”

I staggered over to Colby. Kevin loosened his hold on him slightly, Sam and Jake stepped away so I could get close to him.

I placed my hands on his chest, trying to stable myself. “I'm okay.”

He rebutted darkly, “Clearly you're not.”

“Don't kill Mike.” I stated.

“Yeah Colby. Listen to your girlfriend!” Mike exclaimed, still on the floor.

Colby lurched forward, glaring over my shoulder. I turned to Mike, my eyes gazing down at him.

He stared at me, a look of shock appearing across his face. “I... did that?”

“Of course you fucking did. And you're gonna pay-” Colby started.

Tara interrupted, “Colby, chill for a second. Clearly Mike doesn't remember.”

“Exactly. Thank you, Tara.” Mike replied pompously.

“Shut it, Mike. You’re lucky I don’t kill you.” Tara argued, glowering at him.

“Guys, can you just relax for a second?” Sam chimed in aggressively. “Mike, what was the last thing you remember?”

“I... don't know. I was out, walking around the city, and then...” Mike’s voice trailed off for a moment, his eyes widening. “No.”

“What? What 'no'?” Jake inquired.

“This guy came up to me and told me to attack Jade.” Mike responded.

“What? Who?” Colby fumed.

“I don't know! His face was covered. He said it to me, but I didn't think anything of it,” Mike remembered. “And then... I woke up here. On the floor. With Colby ready to bite my head off.”

“You don't remember attacking me?” I puzzled.

“Not at all. I don't even remember coming to the club.” He disclosed calmly.

“You danced with me, Tara, and Jade.” Kat told.

Mike scoffed, “Ew. I don't dance.”

“That sounds about right.” Tara deadpanned.

“And you were nice to me.” I murmured.

He pursed his lips, “You see, that should have been your first clue something was off. I don't like you.”

“Now's not the time to be snarky Mike.” Colby snapped from behind me. “I'll still kill you for what you did to her.”

“You would really kill me over this? Even though I don’t remember attacking her?” Mike gasped.

“You harmed Jade, you're lucky I don't stake you right now!” Colby’s voice thundered.

I continued. “What color eyes did the guy have?”

“What?” Mike paused, thinking. “I don't know... green?”

My heart sank. “Max's eyes are green.”

“So Max did this? He got you attacked. For what though?” Sam questioned angrily.

Kevin asserted, “Well, it had to be an elder that told Mike to attack Jade. So it was either Rinaldi or Max.”

“Unless there’s a third elder… or fourth.” Jake mentioned, his eyes widening at the thought.

“It had to be Max. The guy was shorter than me, Rinaldi is the same height as me,” Mike disagreed. “I gotta ask though, how the hell did I end up over here and knocked out?”

“We assumed it was Jade, since none of us knew this was happening.” Kevin remarked.

“Jade? You think Jade pushed me into a wall so hard that I broke the plaster?” Mike snorted. “Sounds a little far fetch.”

“Well, what happened then?” Everyone turned to me.

“I... I don't remember,” I lied. “Everything's a bit of a blur.”

“Let's just figure this out more tomorrow. Let's calm down, and get this place cleaned up. I got a club I gotta close.” Kevin glanced down at Colby, “Can I let you go without harming Mike?”

“Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.” Colby exhaled deeply.

I looked over at Kat as Kevin released Colby. “Kat, can I talk to you alone for a second?”

She nodded. “Sure.”

I walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind Kat.

“What's up?” She asked, leaning against the counter.

I swallowed hard, my nerves getting the better of me. “I know what happened, how Mike got slammed into that wall. The necklace did it.”

Kat gaped, stuttering. “What? H-how is that-?”

I shook my head. “I don't know. All I know is... I think it was trying to protect me. Mike tried to rip it off my neck, and it shocked us both back. That's why I was passed out when you guys came up here. The necklace did it. I saw it launch him across the room.”

“Well if it was trying to protect you, why didn't it stop him when he was drinking from you?” She queried.

“I think it only works if someone tries to touch it while it's on me.” I paused, then slowly took it off. “Could you... hold onto it for me? Maybe do some research about it in your spell book?”

She agreed, taking it from me. “Sure. I'll see what's up.”

“It was so weird, I felt this power inside of it come out when it launched Mike.” I added, “While he was attacking me, he asked about it.”

“Really?” Kat uttered.

“He wanted me to tell him about it. He tried to use his powers on me to make me tell the truth about it.” I disclosed nervously.

“That's so weird. He knows that his powers don't work on you.” She stated, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Yeah, but Rinaldi and Max don't know about my abilities,” I affirmed. “If they got Mike to attack me, they wouldn't know his powers don't work.”

Her face dropped at the mention of them. “He thinks it was Max who told him to attack you.”

“I'm not so sure. There was a dark red aura around Mike when he was using his power.” I stared down at the ground, biting my lip, “I think someone else was controlling him.”

A loud yell came from outside the door. I yanked it open, staring out into the apartment. Colby stood in front of Mike, stabbing a stake through him, just underneath his heart.

“Dude what the fuck?!” Mike bellowed.

Colby gripped the stake handle hard, “I don't care if you only hurt Jade because you were forced to do it. I'm letting you know this now that if you ever hurt Jade again, regardless of the circumstance, I will kill you.”

“That's pretty a harsh thing to say to your friend.” Mike argued, wincing in pain.

“You're lucky you're alive right now, friend,” Colby hissed. “I'm gonna go take a walk around the block and try to calm down. When I come back, you better be out of my apartment. And while I'm gone, apologize to Jade.”

Mike protested, “But-”

Colby cut him off, shoving the stake forward an inch more. “Don't fucking argue with me Mike. Say you're sorry and get the fuck out.”

Colby glanced at me, his anger melting for only a split second, and then he vanished out the door.

Mike coughed, grunting as he yanked out the stake. He sat down on the couch, trying to catch his breath.

He gazed over at me, barely looking for a moment. "I'm sorry, Jade. I genuinely didn't know what I was doing."

“It's fine.” I mumbled, crossing my arms.

Mike let out a soft chuckle, rubbing his wound as it began to heal. "I'll try not to kill you next time."

I scowled, annoyed. “How about no next time, fucker.”

<< CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 22 >>

[mccoys-killer-queen]

Seeing Kix in concert (PART ONE)

At my normal venue (this was rescheduled from August bc their drummer had covid at the last second) and I was arranged to photograph the event for my portfolio

I had to wait for a table at the venue restaurant so I figured hey I might as well put my chair up bc I BROUGHT A CHAIR THIS TIME so I claimed my spot and doodled a lil before going up for lunch

two other people were in the VIP line at the time so they were watching my seat

everyone in the bar was watching the Phillies game and for once in their lives they were winning so everyone kept randomly shouting in unison and scaring the shit out of me every time without fail

when I came back down to the line after lunch, Cherry was there again with her bf who she doesn't like

she elaborated once he was gone somewhere that she "needs a rockstar" and that the night before at the Skid Row concert someone asked if she was married and she said "no I'm single" with her bf next to her so EEEEEEEETHEYFINNABREAKUP

Cherry also iNSISTED I join them in the VIP line (because she's allowed to bring in guests) so I could come in early

the same box office bitch who let me in 10 minutes early for LA Guns bc of my photo pass told me that the pass doesn't let you get in early so what the fuck were you doing then?

the female gen x-ers with their beer in line calling me special bc of my pass

immediately after I got scanned by security one of these ladies says to the guard "did you see her? she's special :)" in all seriousness

my spot was essentially front and center and the exact same spot i was in exactly a week ago

they were selling patches at the merch stand I got one I'm so happy :DD

so when the show got postponed in August was already AT the venue that afternoon bc it was THAT last minute so I went upstairs and sulked at the bar essentially and my same bartender was downstairs and he remembered me sroginstogintrshrth

it just so happens that the only other photographer in the crowd was standing right next to me LMAOOO

turns out she also follows my insta page???? I was like H O W and she def made me feel like a fraud bc I know nothing about cameras I just wing everything I do and ppl like it i guess

the venue manager calling himself the opening act bc there was no opening act

bro. bro. when Steve McFuckingMcWhiteman came out I knew it was over for me. this mf comes out in a bright red sequin jacket and a bright red waistcoat and a bright red button-up and- and,,, I was like "uh oh" bc I was nOT EXPECTING HIM TO BE SO SHINY

a fellow photographer friend warned me months ago about Steve moving too much and being hard to capture and o h. m y g o d. she was,,, far too right about that.

Steve dances like Luke Spiller yet hE'S 66????????????

Steve is also so SMALL??? LIKE HE'S A VERY SMOL SKINNY PETITE MAN I FEEL LIKE IF I BLEW ON HIM HE'D BLOW AWAY ALSO HE'S GOT THEE TINIEST, CUTEST LITTLE BUTT????? HOLY SHIT I NEVER GOT TIRED OF HIM SHAKING IT OR GYRATING

this whole post is gonna be me ranting about Steve I'm not sorry I've got a thing for old dorky long blonde haired frontmen and I've got it bad

His pants had a zipper that went all the way down his crotch and up his ass

every 3.2 seconds he'd be winking or wiggling his eyebrows at the crowd and I could not take ittttterwftgrlnbt

during No Ring Around Rosie- "she'll shake her hips and make a blind man blush" *shakes hips real fast* me: 8#| **OH NO HE'S HOTTTTT**

I was right in front of Mark and so was the photographer next to me and I felt like we were both pointing guns at him like 8D "remember us?"

after the opening songs Steve said how he had to fix his belt

Steve: 🎶"Stevie's pants are falling down, falling down, falling down- and now I need to buy a new belt"🎶

THEY WERE PROBABLY FALLING DOWN BC HE'S SO FUCKING S M A L L I WANNA PUT HIM IN MY PURSE AND TAKE HIM HOME WITH ME WINERIOEGNOENGW

he then proceeded to go "I need to fix my pants" and fucking smirked and unzipped his crotch and tried to put the microphone in there I hate him so much

"if I zipped any further you'd just see my buttcrack- which isn't a lot it's about this big" *holds fingers maybe 5 inches apart*

Steve telling the crowd how they had to "reschedule the date because I had the shits." *proceeds to make D I R E C T eye contact with me while standing right in front of me*

in school they don't teach you How To Properly React When The Cute Singer Of The Famous Band You're Seeing Makes Direct Eye Contact With You In The Crowd And Tells You He Had The Shits so I just kinda mouthed "oh no" at him

"That doesn't mix well with rock and roll bc when you're jumping around it just-"

at the end of the show he said "hopefully I don't have the shits next time"

In the parking lot after the show Steve said "I was just kidding about the shits, you know" (yes, I knew that, but way to take the heat for Jimmy, Steve)

Steve was picking on so many people in the crowd I was in tears from laughing so hard

he was picking on the grouchy old lady front and center on her phone and was like "pUt yOUr DaMN pHOne AwAy- pEOpLe ON thEiR GOddAMn phOnes"

he was also picking on people who were wearing band shirts that weren't of Kix- "Guns N Roses, fuck em' they're not here, Tesla, fuck em' they're not here, KISS, fuck em' they're not here-"

he kept trying to get the boyfriend of the girl next to me to smile and again I was fucking crying

there was a guy in another band shirt who he referred to as "the guy in the Dingbat shirt" and this guy was basically a legend during the show

Steve reaching out to someone in the crowd who was reaching out to him saying "what do you want- to shake my hand or touch my balls- if you can't do both you don't get either"

someone in the back of the crowd going "WHERE'S RONNIE" and Steve going- *drinks water* *swallows water* "SHUT UP <3"

ALL THINGS ASIDE THEY SOUNDED SOOOOOOO GOOD like especially Cold Shower bc hrhrggrrgrhhhhhhhh low register at the end

(at the end of every song) Steve: tHANK YOU crowd, in unison: YOU'RE WELCOME

Steve coming out in the Girl Money glasses:

Steve and Mark trying to do the whistling at the end of Girl Money and giving up

Steve making the sections of the crowd compete by singing The Itch

Steve's dumb little shuffling of his feet taking him across the stage

he introduced Wheels in Motion by saying it's off the Rock Your Face Off album and when I went WOOO he was standing right in front of me and pointed at me and said "you like that?" and I went YEAH????

I did blow him a kiss at one point and he mouthed something at me but I couldn't tell what it was ughhhhh it was probably thank you or IDK UGHHHHHHHHH

as the show went on another layer would come off of him and HE CAME OUT FOR COLD BLOOD WITH ONLY THE BUTTON UP LEFT ON AND HE HAD IT UNBUTTONED AND PARTY NIPPLE WAS O U T I WAS SCREAMING

Steve making the guys and the girls do harmonies in Cold Blood

"okay now just all the good lookin girls"

"OKAY NOW ALL THE GUYS WITH BIG DICKS-"

"okay now all the guys with the really SMALL DICKS- *they sing* there's always someone, thank you"

before closing with Blow My Fuse, Steve made the announcement that "we don't do encores,,, we think it's stupid to pretend we're walking offstage stand over there with those two guys (tech guys) - who don't really like very much- for a few seconds, and then come back out and play another song- so after this one- that's IT, we're done"

I got in the photo of the band again wheheheheheheh

I got to fist bump Brian and Steve uwu

I got one of the setlists

[euphoriic-dysphoria]

Blue hair - Bucky Barnes

Firs time posting something like this on Tumblr, I welcome constructive criticism, anything to make my writing better and easier to read. As long as you're not an ass about it.

Summary: you've wanted to dye your hair for sometime now, but you're too scared to do it all by yourself and it seems like a whole big thing now that you keep kinda wanna do with a friend. Yes I'm projecting😅😅

THERE MIGHT BE A PART TWO, NOT REALLY SURE YET.

Warnings ⚠️ : none, just extreme flustered bucky, whipped bucky, fluff ig yeah. Without further ado,

Bucky was falling for you. Hard. He fell more each and everyday, but somehow, you were either not into him at all, or painfully oblivious.

He said painfully, because everytime you expressed even the slightest discomfort, even if on the Quinjet you just couldn't fall asleep, bucky just had this inexplicable urge to suddenly bring you all the pillows in the world to make you happy and laugh and smile your beautiful smile.

Bucky wasn't stupid. He'd seen how smart you were on missions, and how fast you'd solved riddles to annoy Tony. You would never be oblivious to things like this. He'd long ago accepted that he was just gonna be a friend to you, of course that didn't stop him from daydreaming about you, or freezing up everytime you brushed your arm with his.

After all, some might assume what with bucky falling head over heels for you (literally, but that's a story for another time, including Sam and being at the beach) that you guys were probably best friends or at least pretty close. Nope. Bucky was embarrassed to say that you stole away all his old fashioned Brooklyn charm the minute you were in a 2 meter radius. He was so nervous he stumbled over his words and opted to just stay quiet and enjoy your presence.

Of course, you thought that bucky was just naturally shy, and well- akward. It never occurred to you that you were the cause of that shyness, but you didn't mind. You found it endearing and utterly adorable the way a pale pink would wash over his features, and brush across his nose.

Today, he was utterly relaxed, pink free, in his room in the Avengers tower, reading and trying to get the thought of you out of his mind. That was hard when abruptly a hard knock sounded at his door, and he was just about to turn around and ignore it, when he heard you mumbling and thinking outside. Supersoldierhearing

Closing his book, he straightened up and furrowed his brow, thinking as to why you'd be outside his room. He hoped everything was alright.

"buckkyyyyyyyy! Woa-hiya, how are YOU on this verrrry fine morning?" You stumbled into his room, bucky was so deep into his thoughts he wasn't aware he opened the door so suddenly, you almost fell in.

A whirlwind of chaotic energy, you recovered quickly and jumped about, before turning back to where bucky was frozen at his door.

You were only wearing a T shirt.

Now, it was 7 in the morning, and most of the avengers were well aware that you walked around in a t-shirt in the mornings, well, only Steve and Nat cause they were the only ones that woke up then. Normally, bucky wakes up earlier to do his run, and so by the time you wake up, he's showered and reading in his room.

Shaking his head a bit to uh, clear up his thoughts, he quietly trudged back to his bed, where you were sitting and excitedly bouncing up and down on.

You gave him a good morning half hug, as you were practically buzzing with energy.

Oh. That alone was more that enough to make Bucky's cheeks start to glow a dusty pink.

However, you were already setting up the boxes of hair dye on his night stand.

"ok. Alright buck, are you ready for maybe the most important decision of your lifetime?? Ahem-" Buckys eyes widened as you did a little drumroll, jiggling your thighs and bringing up your shirt a bit, but you were too absorbed in the boxes you didn't even notice.

In your best announcer voice, you looked at him and grinned. "Blue, or red?" Holding up each colour respectively.

Huh? Bucky was so focused on your smile he practically missed what you said, which would've been hella embarrassing.

"uh- I'm not- where is this coming from?" Bucky almost winced at his voice, coming out hoarse and deep.

With an angelic smile on your face a devil would fall for, you patiently explained the hair dye situation. You wanted to dye your hair. Check. You already bought the hair dye. Check. And last but not least, now you were waiting on one of your friends to reply to you about dying their hair too. This wasn't a demanding act, for you only hit up the people you knew also had wanted to dye their hair too.

"i-i uh whyreyaaskingme?" Oh god. Before Bucky had anytime to mentally smAcK himself for mumbling like that, you were already replying.

With a soft smile you said, "well of course I'm asking you buck, I don't think it's very nice to knock on people's doors at 7 in the morning unless they're awake, and Nat and Steve left together to get coffee. Plus, I trust your opinion, I'm sure you have an excellent sense of style." You teased, reminding him of the time he refused to wear a ridiculous suit that Tony had jokingly, not really, designed.

Buck sighed quietly, as you made your way to the bathroom to compare the colours. Ouch. It was never a nice feeling to know you had come to him out of necessity. Little did he know, you had earlier rushed Nat and Steve straight outta here, in attempts to build a closer bond with bucky. Those two just shared a smug little knowing look, before hightailing it right out of the tower.

Lost in his thoughts, bucky didn't realize you had stopped muttering to yourself about the hair colours.

It was quiet. Too quiet. In the bathroom, there was absolutely no sound.

Bucky frowned, making his way over, and knocked on the door.

"can-uh do you mind if I come in?" Bucky knocked.

The door creaked open, and Bucky peeked inside to find your dejected expression and little pouty lips as you sat on the edge of the sink counter, scrolling through your phone.

"hey- wh-whats wrong doll?" Aw jeez. Cut it out, he said firmly in his head. Stop stuttering, just talk to her like a normal person.

"you- wanna tell me why you're looking like a sad puppy down over here?" Bucky's breath hitches as he's in the middle of berating himself for comparing you to a puppy, when you finally look up and meet his eyes, droplets threatening to leak and break past your waterline.

Bucky's heart just about cracks at the sadness radiating off of you. As far as he knows, you of all people should never have to feel this sad. All nervousness forgotten, he quickly bends down and tilts your chin up, tenderly wiping away the tears that have now started their journey down your cheeks.

It's been 5 minutes of you and him, leaning against each other as he wipes away the quiet tears that keep replacing each other.

Finally, in a quiet voice, you explain. At first it was just the dissapointment of no one wanting to really dye their hair with you. But you understood. Really, it was early in the morning, and it was easy to see why people didn't wanna dye their hair right away, or at all even. You completely and totally respected them and their choices. But then, you thought, maybe they're annoyed at me. Maybe, they don't like me anymore. Maybe they wish I'd leave them alone. Maybe they'd be better off without me.

You were well aware you were spiralling, but after the negative thoughts started, it was hard to stop. You had anxiety of these types of things.

Countless times, Nat and Wanda had had to reassure your wanted presence and that the team did love you.

While you were explaining, Buckys arms slowly snaked around to embrace you, and put his chin on top of you head. He was sad, simply because you were.

But listening to your thought process made him realize that you were human too, and it opened his eyes to listen to your anxiousness, no matter how much it still hurt.

Uh oh. The feeling was coming back, tugging at bucky, eating him away, making him want to do anything to make you happier.

Tightening his arms around you one last time before releasing you, he blurted, "uh- I'll dye m-my hair."

Your eyes widened. A small smile slowly creeped onto your tear streaked face. "Yo-you'd do that f-for me?" You hiccuped.

Holy shit. Oh man. Bucky would've tattooed his face if it gave you that little glowing smile and hopeful face you were giving to him now.

"Oh doll. You wouldn't believe what I'd do for you."

PART TWO IS NOW UP

[stevethehairington]

thank you @oatflatwhite and @pizzaqueen and @alligator-writes for the tags!! <3 <3 <3

Total word count on ao3?

548,354! wow!!! that is. kind of wild to think about, ngl. like i wrote all of that? shit.😲

How often do you write?

the answer to this is SO varied. like, it honestly depends on the day. i could spend anywhere from 20 minutes jotting something down in my notes app to literally the whole day on a weekend just clickety-clacking away at the keyboard. it truly just depends on how much time i actually have, and what my motivation and inspiration levels are looking like. i try to write as often as i can though!

Do you have a routine for writing?

i suppose i do! when i'm like properly sitting down to write at home i like to make a big cup of iced coffee to keep me going, i put on a playlist of either whatever i'm really digging at the moment or whatever fits the mood of the fic i'm trying to write, and i just. sit and write until i can't write no more lol

What’s your favorite trope/pairing?

FAKE DATING MY BELOVED <3 there is just something so positively delicious about this trope, there is SO much potential, SO many different fun situations you can put them in. also, thee biggest honorable mention to the mutual pining oblivious idiots trope because that one is ALSO another super favorite, like you CANNOT go wrong with it, i fucking love it when two people are so ridiculously into each other and they think the other is not but ohohoh how wrong they are. OH WAIT ALSO dksjfs literally any type of tender domesticity is also my fucking jam, like give me the going grocery shopping together, give me the soft, sleepy early mornings making each other coffee and breakfast, give me gentle bathing/hair washing or literally any sort of moment where one takes care of the other just because they want to. i eat that shit uppppp!!

as for favorite pairing, currently it is steddie!

Do you have a favorite fic of yours?

as the risk of sounding... full of myself (which i promise i'm not trying to skgjsd), i actually have a lot of fics that i've written that i really really love? like i really do write for myself first and foremost, so i am my biggest fan skdljfds. BUT. if i have to narrow it down to one...

lily white, hold me tight might be one of my favorites that i've written. it's a pre-war stucky fic, hurt/comfort, in which bucky never actually enlisted, but was drafted and steve finds said draft notice. it was like one of the first stucky fics i ever wrote and idk i just really liked writing the emotionality of it, and i really liked how it turned out in the end.

and i also have to give a special shoutout to i want to hold your hand, which is one of my steddie fics, because even though i only just wrote that one not that long ago, it's sort of kind of another favorite of mine? like i put as much of the good stuff as i could in that one, and i just really love how it turned out, and i had just the best time writing it too.

What fic of yours has the most kudos?

imagine being loved by me which is my first and only good omens smut fic lmfao. it honestly surprises me that it is my most popular fic, but i'm not mad kslfsd i actually really love how that one turned out, especially for a smut fic because i am. not the most confident when writing those. so yeah. pretty cool!

but honorable mention, again, to i want to hold your hand because it is only like 48 kudos away from overtaking imagine being loved by me and at the rate its been going, that could absolutely happen any day now. which. is INSANE to me!! because this one has only been posted for like oh wow exactly 4 weeks today! (also holy shit its been a month already???) but yeah it's just done exceptionally well which is amazing to me, and i am so so grateful for that.

Anything you don’t like about your writing.

mm, yes, of course there is sgjshg. i feel like sometimes i can get very repetitive with what i'm saying/how i'm saying things. like, i feel like i'll write certain phrases like "he smiled" or "his eyes" or things like that and then. it feels like i start seeing the same sort of line/same verbiage everywhere in my fic, and i try very hard to change it up so it's not so repetitive but i still feel like i can get that way? the feeling gets especially bad when i've been working on something for a long time and i'm like running low on steam with it, because i feel like i fall back on those a lot.

Now, something you do!

i actually take a lot a lot of pride in my characterizations. i feel like i do a good job at getting the voices of characters down and getting their little mannerisms down too.

characterization is something that is SUPER important to me, both as a writer and as a reader, bc like i know how EASY it is for bad characterization to take you out of a fic, and i Do Not want that to happen, so i always try to put a lot of effort into getting that right.

whenever people compliment my characterizations it literally adds like a hundred years to my life and makes me giggle and kick my feet and for real makes me feel so fucking happy because that it truly is like the highest compliment to me.

now to tag!! i am going to tag: @werewolfsteve @ghostfacemunson @mattmaesonnatural @wlwharrys @ruthofrhythm @willbyersgun

[i-only-roll-crits]

Sanctuary

Nissa x reader, college AU

You're leaving the library late, as usual. Campus is dark and hardly anyone is still out. Your path back to your dorm takes you past the community garden, which is actually huge thanks to the gardening club and mostly one student in particular. Sure enough, you can tell as you near it that someone is rummaging around in there, though the ring of bushes and shrubs around the outside blocks out most of the view. It's quiet enough that you think you can hear muttering.

You've got a couple packets of flower seeds in your bag (a gift from a new friend who saw the various flower pots in your room and sensibly assumed you grew things rather than just collected them like a crazy person), and you're not sure what compels you to do it, but you tiptoe over quietly and lay them out in front of the wall of tall shrubs, like an offering. Then you hurry home, eager to get some sleep before classes in the morning.

Early the next morning, you pass the garden again and notice the seeds you left are gone, which is great since you weren't going to get any use out of them yourself. Heading back out for lunch, you glance over again - she's still in there. Doesn't she have any classes to attend? You pause, deliberating. It's very hot outside today, and you have an extra (still sealed) water bottle. She probably doesn't need it, but you shrug and go over anyway, leaving the bottle in the same place you'd left the seeds. Then, on an impulse, you scribble a little note on a post-it and stick it to the bottle - just a hello and a smiley face.

For the next week, you continue leaving things, usually with little notes: snacks, more packets of seeds, and even a cute elephant-shaped watering can you found at a garage sale. It's turning into a weird tradition, but it's oddly satisfying - like putting food out for a feral cat.

Today, you swing by on your way home as usual, but when you stop to open up your backpack, the bushes suddenly part in front of you. You jump backward, startled, as a girl with a long braid leans out and stares at you.

"Are you the one leaving things here?" She asks, glancing shyly between your face and the ground, and even though she spoke at normal volume her voice sounds so soft.

"Uh. Yeah, sorry, is it bothering you?" You ask, reeling. You're meeting the garden cryptid, holy shit -

"Oh, no - the gardening club thanks you for your contributions," she starts, now looking determinedly away from you, "and thank you for the water and everything..."

"No problem. You always seem to be out here, even when it's boiling," you laugh, and she raises her eyes to yours, and damn if that's not the most vibrant green you've ever witnessed. She smiles slightly.

"It's kind of my sanctuary... and I like to make sure the plants are healthy and growing. You'd be surprised how many pests will come cause problems if you're not vigilant."

"Oh, hey, speaking of that, I brought this for you," you laugh again, opening up your backpack, pulling out a flower pot - one of your collection that you figured you could part with, for a good cause - and presenting it to her. It's ladybug patterned. She raises her eyebrows in pleasant surprise and reaches out to take it from you, slowly and reverently. She stares at it for a moment.

"Just a minute," she says, whipping around and retreating back into the garden. You wait, more anxiously by the second, until she pops back through and holds the pot out to you. You take it, confused, before realizing it's heavier than it was a minute ago.

You look down and see it's full of dirt and little green sprouts.

"It's the Sweet William you left here a week ago," she smiles gently, clearly proud of her charges' growth in such a short time. You look at her, astonished, and blurt out your name, stringing together a not-entirely-smooth introduction. She returns to looking bashful, but smiles a little wider despite that.

"It's nice to meet you. I'm Nissa."

[dzpenumbra]

8/30/22

Today kinda just blew right by. I had a panic attack in a dream last night, it woke me up and everything. It was pretty silly. I was in a van with Jerry Seinfeld and Joe Rogan, Joe was filming me playing guitar in the back of the van. I wasn't playing very well. He was posting it on Twitter or something, with some comment about like "pullin out the deep cuts" or something. It was stupid, really, I haven't watched any Joe Rogan anything in years, same with Seinfeld. But the concept just pumped my system full of adrenaline enough to wake me up.

I guess it's the concept of having an unfathomable amount of eyes on me. It's been a VERY long time since anyone really gave a fuck what I'm doing creatively, so that's probably what it's about. Rogan/Seinfeld representing legendary status of fame. And having some noodling on acoustic guitar, improvising, not even good shit, shared with an audience of millions... The largest crowd I've ever played music in front of was probably like... 30 people? The largest I've streamed for was like... 100-something? Those are pretty big numbers for just like everyday shit. I did do a play in college in front of a half-full theater too... But those were all different times, a lifetime ago, really. An child's play compared to millions.

I think this dream was my way of sorta demonstrating that any creative exposure or growth would have to be a steady build for me, with lots of social practice in between to work my way up to it. A massive explosion of exposure for me - someone who hasn't seen a human face in over 2 weeks, regularly goes days without human contact at all outside of throwing comments into the void of Twitch chatrooms - that would cause a shock to the system that's hard to communicate. Take the stage-fright of the average person, then put them in extreme isolation for almost 5 years, then throw them on a stage with an audience of thousands. That's what joining NoPixel whitelist was like when I got in last winter and I couldn't even make a phone call in the goddamn video game I was so anxious.

So the dream was helping confirm this issue, a feedback loop I'm kinda stuck in. Everyone in my life has been "too busy" to make time for me. It started years ago, but escalated into conflict the second I brought up the topic directly. My brother who lives 5 minutes away would refuse to come over and visit, making a pile of excuses every time. My friends up north visited me 1 time in 10 years, while I used to drive up 1.5 hours each way every weekend to babysit their daughter. My friend in Florida refused to come hang out in my streams, even though he was also a streamer; he refused to retweet my tweets or recommend my stream to his gaming friends too. So, while I still had people in my life back then, every single one of them was a one-way relationship. The second I started asking for the support and... friendship... I needed, it went immediately into conflict. All of those bridges are burned now except for one.

When your social network is "too busy" to have room for you, you simply do not get social interaction. I found that where I used to regularly play League of Legends, Starcraft and Minecraft (MP) with friends, I started playing Diablo III, Minecraft (SP) and Rimworld. I shifted into single player games automatically due to social drought. It's very hard to get used to being completely alone, but once you do get used to it, it's also really hard to go back.

That's kinda the point I'm trying to get to, but my thoughts are very scattered and fragmented tonight. I learned that pretty early, when you're away from people for long enough (like 3 days alone in the woods) social interaction suddenly gets very overwhelming. Back at the beginning, it was simply "holy fuck, another person, let me tell you my life story!" But after I started to get a LOT of very negative responses to that, and subsequently developed PTSD responses around it... well, I think you can see where I'm going. The nervousness and sensory overwhelm become something amorphous and powerful, almost Lovecraftian; hard to define and conceptualize but intuitively something that represents a big threat. The higher the stakes of the interaction - a date, a job interview, a potential client, a potential new best friend - the more devastating the loss will be when I inevitably upset them. Somehow... I hate how I don't even know all the details of my trauma responses, it's kinda ridiculous, right? They even sound stupid to me now, but when I experience them in the moment they are SO damn convincing.

So... in some ways I'm more afraid of success than I am of failure. I'm afraid of people. I see what they do to each other, how they treat each other. It makes me very sad, very scared. But reading journals on here helps me feel grounded, so thank you all for posting these. It reminds me there are good, honest people out there and that the bad ones I'm seeing are just the most dramatic examples.

The weird part is, once I get acclimated to social interactions and feel like I'm understood and supported... the confidence comes flooding back. HA! Fuck it, I'll share what that reminded me of. So I was being a complete dork and watching a YouTube video on things cats love with my cat this morning over coffee. I was having coffee, she wasn't, just wanted to clarify that. The guy who did the video had this thing at the beginning where he was talking about "cat mojo". He defined "mojo" being "ultimate confidence". "Confidence that's born of knowing that I own territory, that I'm safe in my territory and that I can secure food in that territory." He said it makes them feel whole. And I can relate. When I'm completely alone for days, living under someone else's roof, that someone else pays for, who doesn't want to pay for it, while I struggle to get a single commission or make a single sale... my mojo is just fucking gone. And I need that mojo in order to make the sales, to entertain a room, to be confident enough to believe in my work. My mojo ran completely dry yesterday. I committed to changing paths. I still don't want to, but I have accepted that I might have to in order to escape the cycle of having my legs continually swept out from under me every 2 months (at most).

I talked to my mom about this a little today, but she didn't seem to get much of it, but she got some. I think the problem is that she thinks everything in life revolves around money, and that the reason my art/music/poetry/streaming isn't a financial success is not because I don't have supportive friends, not because I am a crappy salesman, but because I'm "not creating enough value for the consumer." Corporate talk, right?

Actually, maybe the problem is that since a VERY young age, I taught myself not to use money as a motivational tool. I taught myself to use passion for motivation. I was taught of the corruptive and manipulative powers of money. How people can use their earning of money to excuse things, like being a bad person and not bettering themselves. I learned that people can use "I work very hard" as a substitute for parenting, and get away with it, too. So... this is obviously a conflict, and a point she can't really understand.

I don't really want to rehash this, to be honest, I've had that butting of heads with her thousands of times. I'm just touching on it because it came up today. But we also managed to connect on nostalgia and remind her that I am in fact a very sensitive person (many say "oversensitive" as though it doesn't mean "hypersensitive" and as though it's a... bad thing?... Another weird one to me...) who should be treated delicately, especially when I'm vulnerable or overwhelmed. I think those points got through a bit, which reassures me a bit.

I stopped smoking weed for the past few days, which is weird in this ritual of journaling in bed before going to sleep because it really was the only thing in a long time that helped me sleep all the way through the night. I stopped smoking because I'm already very paranoid and panicky and I really just didn't think amplifying it would yield good results. Again... the fear of fear feedback loop. I'm tempted to go smoke just to prove myself wrong and have a great night's sleep, I have been sleeping like shit the past few days. "Fear, her ugly face is pokin through the clouds again. Gotta stare her in the eyes and tell her this time she won't win." I wrote that ages, lifetimes ago. Maybe I need to actively engage with her a bit more, rather than just tremble and piss myself every time Doom pokes his head over the horizon.

[ghostinyourbuilding]

June 30th, Thursday. 20.00pm. Good evening, ghost. Extra long post because apparently I've had a busy couple of days.

I went on two other dates since my last post. One with Otto on Tuesday and then on Wednesday I spent the night at Mark's (the punk dude with face tattoos) place. Just got home in fact, so I'm dead tired and socially exhausted. I was going to answer my snowballing socials today but I'm gonna postpone that until I'm a bit less socially dead. In the meanwhile, here's the recap on the two dates.

-----------

Tuesday, 28/06. Date with Otto.

We were supposed to go to the museum but I was busy until 30 minutes before it'd close. We decided to meet near a park. I got there around 4.40 due to my own stupidity and had to wait for over an hour until he got there, I wasn't even mad because it was my dumbness who made me be super early. It was nice to sit on the stairs on that busy area of the city and watch the sundown, though.

When he got there he finally got me the stuff he said he'd give me (all inside jokes like sandalwood incense, a plastic chicken and a stolen book) on our previous date. Also I really need to emphasise how nice he looked, just extra handsome.

We then went to this downright bizarre Japanese restaurant, when we got in the staff just went いらっしゃいませ which was fucking weird. Imagine 6 to 10 very hipster looking white/latino young adults just greeting you like that when you step foot into the restaurant... Bizarre.

We got negronis and this weird tasteless snack with nori, and I gotta say negroni is my most hated cocktail, I got to know that on the spot. Disgusting. I still finished it while we were talking about random shit.

We walked a bit downtown to kill time until I had to take the bus back home at 10.30. I feel like we really didn't do much but it was still incredibly enjoyable and comfy. I genuinely feel nice around him and I'm looking forward to seeing him again. I feel like we could potentially have a relationship if he's stable enough and if we (literally) find a place we could go to regularly. Not getting my hopes up but it's a possibility.

---------

Wednesday, 29/06. Date with Mark.

It was fucking Hell™ to get over to his place. He lives almost in a different town and I thought he'd pick me up but apparently his roommate is the one who drives?

I'm gonna be brutally honest - I had incredibly low hopes about going to his place. I didn't even think I'd care much because even though he is cute as fuck, smart and funny; he got divorced not too long ago, has been living with a weird roommate (more on that later, oh my fucking god) for the past two months and lives in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Since I'm not getting any action with Otto I thought I may as well go to Mark's place and at least get some therapeutic dick since I was a frigid bitch for around two months (which is longer than I've been single, yikes). It was a whopping 2 hour bus ride to a part of the city I've never been to. Not my brightest idea. At this point my hopes were low and so was my patience. I was thinking about getting an Uber back home after dinner even tho it'd cost me around 50 buckaroos because I didn't think I'd be so impressed with Mark.

Spoiler: I was completely wrong. I got to his flat and holy shit, he is just this incredibly charming dude with the nicest smile and the funniest jokes. We watched ID while he made dinner which was fucking amazing btw, he's a professional chef.

As the night went on I got to meet his roommate, Nobody, and yes, that's his actual nickname, but I forgot his real name so let's go with that. Nobody seemed cool that first night. We chatted a bit and apparently he's a part time security guard and Uber driver studying to be a philosophy professor. He's clearly very smart and could even talk to me about my major which is always a welcome surprise. We even chatted about my previous profession a bit so I was very comfy there even with Nobody being around. He went to bed quickly after dinner so I didn't think about him at all for the rest of the evening.

While we were watching TV Mark just straight up asked if I wanted to kiss him, which was super cute. I didn't think he'd be a bit shy but he kinda is.

We napped a bit on the couch and then at around 3am Nobody woke both of us so we'd go to Mark's room. That was my first red flag with Nobody. He just asked for us to go in such a weird way, and Mark's reaction made me feel like he was actually annoyed at something. We did actually go to bed but I was strangely so weirded out I couldn't sleep much for the rest of the night.

At around 8am Mark woke up and since he was so respectful and shy I really wasn't expecting us to have sex but we fuckin did it 3 times!! I've never been with a dude that had so much stamina and it was legit the best sex I've ever had. I was just fucking mind-blown.

After that, the pillow talk was very comfy. He talked in depth about the stuff he enjoys like punk and oi! subcultures, and then out if nowhere he told me that he once got arrested for killing a neonazi. I didn't buy it at all, it'd be too easy for him to say that to impress me since I'm half Jewish and I obviously hate the neonazi communities in my area, but he pulled out his phone and Googled his full name and it's fucking legit!!!?!??! He literally got around year in the slammer for killing a filthy nazi, he'd be locked up for way longer if they could prove he did it all by himself instead of with his whole group of friends. It was on the news and all. Now most people would be put off by a dude with a felony charge, but I liked him even more after that.

We talked until lunch time. He said he had to go to the bank and then to buy food to make lunch with. Nobody was gonna drive him there but he seemed a bit angry and weird, so Mark asked if I wanted to stay at the flat and wait for them or to go with them, and of course I said I'd stay. A few minutes later I could hear Nobody tell him something like "you're gonna leave that girl alone in the house? Dude, I don't fucking get you" and then Mark rushed in saying I had to go with them.

At that point I had all my red flags up and something felt very very wrong with Nobody's behaviour. I felt uncomfortable the whole car ride until we got to the bank and I waited in the car with him while Mark went in. Apparently Nobody has a 13 year old son who just got back from Canada after almost 7 years and is acting up. He told me all of that out of nowhere, saying he was gonna tell his son he'd leave him with his grandparents if he didn't start acting straight. I pretended that wasn't a weird interaction and acted like I was on his side because I was very weirded out by him.

After he dropped us off, Mark and I talked about Nobody. He's been going through a lot and he's just a very spoiled man who can't deal with the idea of taking care of his kid. Thankfully he said he was thinking of moving out as soon as he got another job and he just didn't tell that to Nobody yet because he's afraid his mental health is gonna get even deeper down the shitter.

We ate lunch and I had to take another 2 hour bus ride home. While waiting for the bus he said he wants me to come over on Friday and spend the next weekend (not this one) over there. I didn't confirm anything because I'm very conflicted. While I genuinely loved his company and the sex was absolutely worth the 2 hour bus ride, I don't feel safe with Nobody around. Something about him gives me a weird feeling in my gut and I don't wanna ignore it no matter how good the dick is. I may go there to spend one night again next month but I sure as fuck will not stay longer than that until he moves out. I feel this very weird uncomfortable feeling writing this now. I rarely feel so off put by people but that dude just did it, I don't wanna go there when he's not working or something. Weirdo.

-----

And that's it for the dates this week, overall they were pretty good ignoring the weirdo.

As for unrelated stuff that happened, apparently

1. I'm gonna get a new dog. My mum hit me with the news out of nowhere. She said she didn't want any more dogs after my beloved dog died but apparently she couldn't resist a puppy.

2. I'm considering not talking to Mo (one of my billion exes) again. We haven't had anything for ages and now he keeps being passive aggressive when I take a while to reply and I'm so tired of it.

3. I may go on an impromptu date with one of my reply guys that's on the verge of leaving because I barely talk to him. Of course I'll only do that if he pays for everything and both picks me up and drops me off. He's this bland ass blond DJ dude with a hipster beard and broken English. Ugh.

---

In conclusion: I should stop going on dates with men that are 7-12 years older than me and still live at home and have no car. This is becoming too much of a pattern and I hate having to put in effort for men. Ugh.