#postal dude x male!reader

[napsfork-brainrot]

Could I request P3 Dude comforting/encouraging his sad boyfriend? Like a sort of snuggly fluff idea? GN reader is also cool if you’re more comfortable with that. :> Thank u 💓

I'm so sorry I have been DEAD in the Postal fandom recently, but I would be more than happy to give you some comfort with this freak bastard /pos.

THIS IS A SFW POST, WOWEE ZOWEE

READ UNDER THE CUT! :3

Dude is usually a hardass; he'll forget to call or text back, he blows up at random inopportune times, and sometimes he just... doesn't give you a lot of attention.

Usually you can deal with your boyfriend being a bit distant, but he was becoming so engrossed with himself that you were starting to feel a bit neglected. You knew it was a bit silly, considering you were both adults and had personal stuff to deal with, but... still! The least the guy could do is ask if you wanted to go out to Burger King or something!

You didn't want to bother him, so you were just about to go to bed to try to sleep off that ever-growing, festering feeling of loneliness. However, the door to your room opened up, and there he was... The Bastard himself. You were both happy to see him but also felt... disappointed. Why did he want to come see you now after he spent almost all week ignoring you?

You huffed and kept your face buried in your pillow, trying to go back to wallowing.

"Heyyy, Prince Charming~! ...Pookie?"

Dude called out from the doorway, holding a bag from Burger King in one hand and a large soda cup in the other. He stood in silence for a moment before the gears in his head finally started turning. With a sigh, he walked into your room, letting the door slowly shut behind him.

"Babe, is this about the "being gone all week" thing? I, uh... I know I don't usually hang around often, but, trust me! If I could, I would!"

You let him ramble on about his excuses for not coming to see you sooner, giving him an annoyed look before turning your back towards him again. With a heavy sigh, Dude shook his head and set the Burger King to the side before he got onto your bed as well.

Without saying another word, he laid next to you and wrapped his arms around you, cradling you in his arms and pressing your back against his chest. His warm arms were soothing and... despite trying to be mad at him, you just couldn't! However, there was still that feeling of sadness... being left alone for so long without any words spoken between you two really left a bit of a rift.

Dude nuzzled his nose into the crook of your neck, causing you to let out a short-lived chuckle, which in-turn made him laugh as well.

"Haha..! There's that laugh I love... C'mon, don't be sad, baby... I promise you, I'll spend the rest of the week with you, okay? No shenanigans. No nothing. I'll stay with you, we'll cuddle, we'll snuggle, we'll do those weird little personality quizzes on Buzzfeed... I promise, we'll do whatever you wanna do."

...Damn it! He knew the way right to your heart! ...You can't even be that upset anymore, smiling slightly as you turn to face him with a much happier look on your face. With another chuckle, Dude reached out and poked your nose, flashing you his same smug smile he always wore.

"Heheh! Ahh... There's my prince."

[sil3ntfr34k]

Postal dude 2 boyfriend headcanons

• Mans is RANCID but you still love him <33

• Even with how sassy and sarcastic as he is, he still has a soft spot for you. Isn't very good as showing it, but he does little things here and there to show his love for you

• Y'all probably met during one of his errands his wife made him run, bumping into each other in line while he was getting milk. He was very surprised that someone is actually talking to him and not cussing him out. Y'all chatted it up before you had to pay for your items and leave, leaving him alone once again

• He would be lying if he said he didn't follow you home like some creep to find out where you live so he could 'check-in' on you periodically

• After a handful of conversations and hang outs, he can't seem to stop thinking about you. Even while still married to his current wife, he'd still fantasize about being married to you instead

• He eventually does divorce his bitch wife so he can have a life with you. This doesn't bother the bitch anyway since she was already cheating on him with Mike J,,,

• Once you two start dating you get to see a softer, more gentle side of Dude. Where he was once a crass and inconsiderate, he has become more understanding and loving. He's surprisingly clingy!

• Before you moved in with Dude (or he moves in with you, whatever you like best) he would always hang out at your place anyway. Hell, he'd even bring over Champ just so he could have both his favorite things with him at the same time.

• (Champ is literally his son he gave birth to, no one can tell him otherwise. Sure Dude can be a little mean to Champ, but what parent doesn't get annoyed of their kids now and then??)

• If Dude moved in with you, then Champ gets upgraded to a house dog and no longer has to rough it outside since his bitch ex-wife didn't like pets. Also Dude still has his trailer and all, but it's more of a 'back-up house' or storage.

• No matter if he moved in with you or you moved in with him. he lets you decorate however you'd like. he's pretty adaptable to most environments since he moved around to a lot of different places growing up. Of course he's still messy and smells, but he tries JUST A LIL harder for you

• "Sorry babe, but my crack comes first."

• Please be understanding of this. He's been through a lot and it helps with a lot of his problems. From his chronic pains throughout his body to his schizophrenic episodes, being unsober helps him relax

• Dude is really nervous about telling you about his schizophrenia. His ex-wife always made his episodes worse by yelling at him that he's crazy or something, so he dreads having to tell you. What if you don't understand? What if you get weirded-out and leave him?? What if you start to see him as a burden?? Oh god what is he supposed to do if you want him to leave?????

• Underneath his cocky and confident facade, he's actually incredibly insecure and scared. Even just the tiniest bit of rejection or negative action from you is like this roman empire. He had stopped caring about what his ex-wife thought of him long before the divorce so nothing she did or said really affected him. But you. Your too special to him. He hangs off your every word

• Dates with him are very,,, intimate? Not in the way you might think of, more of in a 'It's just us' way. He's not exactly a people person so he doesn't want to even see other people while on a date with you

• He probably lands on something like a dinner and a show at home or playing some video games while eating all the junk food in the world together. To be fair, there's not exactly a 'nice' area in Paradise, so most couples just stay inside for things like this anyway.

• No matter what y'all end up doing, you better believe you have his undivided attention. All you got do is say the magic word ("now") and he will give it to you on a silver platter

• Even with how good of a boyfriend he seems to be, Dude is NOT Mr. Perfect. Dude has his bad habits and red-flags too.

• During heated arguments Dude can and will throw something at you, might even threaten to kill you tbh. Watch ur step bc that gun is always loaded with the safety off. Doesn't help he's trigger happy too,,,

• Dude also needs his alone time. Yesyesyes he loves you dearly, but the man still needs his space. Isn't afraid to say something like "Hey I gotta go do something, be back babe" and proceed to just lay in bed for 3 hours (Postal Dude bedrotting)

• It's very hard to get Postal Dude to open up about ANYTHING. Like, after being together for 5 years AND being engaged, your barely learning about his strange and very illegal family tree. Come to think of it, you never even knew he had parents. Yea you know he has to have a mom and dad, but you don't know if they're any good or still in his life.

• During a manic/depressive/crack-endued/schizophrenic episode, he makes it very hard for you to be there for him. He doesn't mean to do this, but it's not like can help it. To you, he's just acting-out, but to him, everyone is trying to hurt him and he's not safe anywhere. Suddenly it's like he's a totally different person, constantly running away from you and hiding. Honestly it might be best for you to just wait it out, maybe offer him some comforting words but still stay away.

• Overall, Postal Dude is a bumbling idiot who just wants to feel accepted by someone

[angel-adventgarde]

I have single handedly created a term for all postal dude fans

[livingdeadmlm]

Day 1: Tentecals/Monster Fucking

Warnings: use of ABO terms, light breeding kink near the end, SMut written by someone who has never written it before ‼️‼️CRINGE‼️‼️

Dude thought he could give church just one more time. He’s never coming back again. He arrived at a time when he felt the building was empty so he could have that small amount of peace for himself, he didn’t even know churches were open so late. However, when he heard a scream from the basement of the church and ran to check it out he was met with the sight of a large…. Entity. Its large appendages rushed to his boots and back to the… body, back and forth like an awful ocean wave. 

“Eaugh I’m guessing you don’t talk.” The writing of the meat sacks never stopped. He leaned forward to attempt a closer look at the full look at the creature.

“Let's not be so hasty Dude…” The sunglasses hid his widening eyes as he took a step back. 

His face became a sneer as he tried to find some eyes in the darkness beyond the tentacles…? The voice you spoke with sounded like it could be coming from anywhere in the dark, it almost sounded like it was in his head echoing repeatedly. 

“I can't tell if it was more gross in general or the idea that you have a mouth in there.” his voice trailed off.

“I am something beyond your mind can comprehend but for you, I can maybe take a form you can stomach.” The tentacles retreated and there was an awful wet noise that followed it. Stepping out of the shadows you looked like a normal person well a normal person dressed as a priest. 

“I knew something was up with you Catholics.” Your hands were crossed in front of your chest.

“You people tend to have more trust in these religious figures and, well I need to eat now and then.” Dude laughed “I have some bad news for you but I think you shouldn’t know.” You huffed and passed dude up the steps back to the chapel. Following you up you began to ramble about your time on earth and in the town. 

“I do wish I had chosen a different moral figure in your human eyes, Due to this one I must be prudish or else people don’t think I am the real deal.” Your voice was strained as the building frustration began returning to the forefront of your mind. Dude was shocked, What aliens had sex? 

“Yes we do Dude and it's getting to that special season in my kind’s life where we feel the need to have a family but seeing as I’m here I am stuck alone.” A sigh left your mouth as you started lighting candles that had gone out because of the wind.

“Have you tried taking the whole garb off? Maybe even keeping it on can help you get a lady friend.” Why was he even trying to help you get laid? He should’ve just gone back home by now. Shaking your head, you waved a hand towards Dude. “The women of your humans are quite lovely, however, I prefer the males of your species. They remind me of home much more than the women do.” 

“If I help you would you be willing to help me? It’s been a while for me as well since I got divorced…. Well even during the marriage-” from your human form, the tentacles shot out of your back and held onto any part of Dude they could. It was so quick he couldn’t let out more than a yelp. 

A bit of moisture on the tentacles began to soak through his clothes. Your priest's garb became loose on your body as you stepped closer and closer to dude writing form. 

“Are you sure? This may be more intense than the way your species mates.” Dude nodded 

“I think I know what I’m getting into with these.” He grabbed one of the free tentacles, feeling it pulse in his hands. Two separate appendices made their way up his pant legs slowly tearing the stiff denim off each of his legs that swayed in the air. Whatever your tentacles were covered with seeped out in larger amounts and into his skin. Another pair of tentacles made their way up his shirt slowly caressing every edge of his torso. 

You pulled him into a surprisingly soft kiss, compared to the firm hold of a tentacle held onto his cock. The constant caressing made his brain go fuzzy. The separate appendages were all warm against his body; it felt like more than one person was showering him with affection. Dude looked up to the ceiling being met with the many eyes of the apostles staring in the same direction he was. 

Well, he had to be going to hell for sure now, gay sex in one of the many houses of god was crossing a line. Did it even count if it wasn't another human man? He couldn’t think about it any further when he felt his skin heating up more and more and the cold hands of your human form guided his head back down to you. Tossing his gasses to the side his eyes were half-lidded as he strained against your hold needing something from you, really anything will do.

His hands strained against your tentacles he wanted you closer to him, or to even touch himself. He groaned at the lack of friction you offered. The bottom half of your uniform had fallen off of your human form and left his eyes with a strong set of legs that looked like they were from a painting thanks to the dim candlelight inside of the church 

He felt so outside of his skin, never thinking he would get to a point where he was begging a preacher for anything let alone to please give him more of something. Your lips continued to work against his and he felt dizzy at the lengths your tongue reached into his mouth. His eyes finally wandered to your face. Your eyes were shut but your whole body was against him, so much focus on him. It made him feel self-conscious but any attempts to hide himself were in vain as you easily just pulled his legs open more. Your feet shuffled against the floor closer to the dude's shaking body.

He took his chance to pull you in close, legs wrapped around your hips he took the chance to grind against you. Practically drooling he humped against what he assumed was also your cock against his. He wasn’t the most sure as now the tentacle that was previously dormant had found its way into his boxers and made its way up to his shaft slowly. He couldn’t see what your shaft looked like; he wondered if maybe you made it large just for the occasion or if it was true to your “true form”.

You had moved down to his neck leaving various marks on it that no doubt would stick around for a while. Your hands made their way to his boxers and thanks to your nails, he hadn’t noticed they were like daggers until now, they were shredded apart. He continued rutting against you now being able to feel it without the dulling effect his underwear had. Your cold hand trailed up to his chest and squeezed whatever flesh you could hold onto.

Everything began to feel more intense. Whatever liquid was spewing out of you started to have a sweet smell that took over his senses. One of your more moderate-sized tentacles made its way to his face, staring at the tentacle. The sweet smell seemed more and more appetizing to him.

A strained moan left Dude's throat as he began to speak, “Put that in my mouth.” Your eyes shot open as you stared up at Dude, his eyes not even looking at you but the tentacle that was in front of him like it was its being. Dude lurched his head forward trying to reach it as a drop of the slick that was on it dripped onto the floor, “You humans are odd, please don’t bite it.” 

The tentacle rested against his tongue and subconsciously he began to suck on it earning a moan from you. Dude continued his motions wanting more noise out of you, he saw your face contort, scrunching up as your legs slightly staggered. The tentacles got tighter around each limb, and each part of his body was held. The slick came out more and more into his mouth and he wanted more and more of it. You felt weak, this wasn’t done on your planet, never even considered taking someone's tentacle in their mouth. 

Finally, he felt a warm and wet tentacle wrap around yours and his shafts squeezing them together, it felt sloppy but there were no complaints from either of you. You went back to leaving marks across his neck and collar, still grinding against Dude you could feel him twitching between you and the quick-moving tentacle. 

Dude’s sucking got harsher as the tentacle went deeper into his mouth his legs began to shake and his vision flashes white. With a whine, the wetness in the tentacle the two of you shared got more soaked. A thick glob of slick-filled dude's mouth as he did his best to swallow it down. As he gasped for air the dude felt himself being lowered closer to the ground by not being let go. 

“Ugh, what's going on? I don't think I can go again-” You held his head in your hands as his legs got pushed up further. “You could make an amazing nursery for an offspring, I won't fertilize the eggs but I say we should see if you can take it.”Your cock pressed against his ass, he could feel it twitch. He could also feel two smaller tentacles grope at his ass and thighs. Dude grew hard again as he panted out an agreement to try this new thing, he was already this far, go big or go home.

[lunatic-pudge]

Hate that I've been sick this whole dang month so far. Every time I'm on the phone with my Father, I feel so out of breath trying to say short ass sentences. Poor guy probably thinks I have Tuberculosis or something.

[strawbrygashez]

Fem!Reader x Catboy! Postal 4 Dude

Catboy Moment

🐱LETS GOOOOOO!!! Catboy p4 time. The reader is a little dumb uhmmmm no tws I think :0 pdude gets beat up tho 0_0

————————————————————————

Of course today of all days, it had to rain. The day your car wouldn’t start, it was pouring out, and it was grocery day. You’d decided to just only pick up the basics that you needed and try to talk your way into having a relative who lived near by drive you back over to the store the next day to get the rest of the things you had decided to leave behind, since it was bad enough you were walking home in the pouring rain, you didn’t need to make it worse by carrying at least ten bags home.

You let out a sigh as you glanced up at the dark rain clouds that didn’t show any signs of stopping anytime soon before you focused back onto the sidewalk in front of you. It was your first time walking around town actually since your job kept you so busy to the point where you didn’t have much time to try new things like walking through town. Most of the time it was just go, go, go with you so you never had the chance to really take in your surroundings…You were sure it would probably a lot more enjoyable of a day right now if it wasn’t pouring cats and dogs out.

Eventually you were coming up towards the big old hotel not far from your little neighborhood. Glancing over at it, you couldn’t help to remember when you were talking to a friend about places around town and they brought up this place. The way they had talked about it had honestly sounded like a teenager telling a fake, creepy urban legend. A creepy old man who ‘disappears’ often working inside, the place staying in business though barely any one was ever actually seen staying over, and heaps of trash always apparently completely filled the back ally behind it. You couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at the whole idea. What was probably happening was just some busy old man was running the place as a side hustle and that’s how it was still staying up. Sure things and people around town could be really odd but you highly doubted the hotel was anything like a episode out of the Twilight Zone.

You were about to turn down the street where it would be out of you view until you heard a sound that caused you to freeze in your steps. It had sounded like someone.. a male possibly, had shouted in pain though you couldn’t be sure. You could have misplaced the sound since the wind was blowing awfully hard. It could have been knocking something over or something and you were just- another yell came out loudly before it was followed by whoever it was swearing. Realizing someone might actually be in trouble, you only took a minute to listen in again before darting to where you thought the sound was coming from which was the back ally your dumb friend had spoken about. Maybe running into a back ally where yelling was coming from wasn’t the best idea but you couldn’t just ignore someone desperately needing help while in pain.

Running through the rain, you turned the corner that led to behind the large, old hotel to see a group of what looked like teenage boys all surrounding something. Oh great. Teenagers were always a pain in the ass to deal. They always get up into god knows what.

They hadn’t noticed you as you peaked over a bit more and when one of the teenaged men shifted over a bit, you realized they weren’t surrounding something, they were surrounding someone. It was made all the more clear as one of them drew their foot back before kicking the man laying on the ground in the back, hard.

You were filled with rage as the poor man let out a groan as they laughed. Really? Picking on a older homeless person? Are their lives so sad they had to pick on a defenseless person to feel better about themselves? You couldn’t help but let the rage fill your voice as you basically barked at them to, “HEY! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. NOW!” It caught them off guard enough to make a couple jump but they all began to snicker as you began to chase after them while wildly swinging your bags around at them. You hit at least two of them before they ran off still giggling like the idiots they were.

You watched in anger as they ran away…‘Fucking idiots.’ You thought. You’d have to remember what they looked like to keep a eye out and make a report later. Damn it, you should have tried to get a picture of the fuckers before you’d made yourself known or something. You kept thinking of all the things you’d like to do for revenge until the sound of coughing from next to you finally pulled you out of your thoughts.

Looking next to you, you saw where laid the man that had took the beating. Seeing him shake made you quickly drop down next to him, drop your bags and gently take hold of his upper arm as he laid on his side. “Oh god.. Do you need me to call the ambulance sir? Are you bleeding or anything?” That had been a dumb question obviously since he’d just been attacked by five men but to your surprise after a bit more groaning and a couple coughs, the man slowly moved to lay back onto his back, his face twisting in pure pain as he did so, before he managed to get out a, “Agh.. shit. No. I can’t afford that shit.”

Your heart filled with remorse as you saw how rough he looked. His nose was bleeding, he definitely had gotten hit in the face and his sunglasses were cracked. The man probably didn’t have much from what you could tell and these assholes had destroyed one of his belongings.

You carefully removed his sunglasses which revealed his green eyes that were squinting at you. “Sir.. I really think you need some kinda help. I mean at least we could go over to the police station and-” you stopped speaking when he shook his head slightly and he went to rub his eyes since they were watery. “No. I don’t like talking to them. I’ll just-” He trailed off before moving his hands as he tried to attempt to sit up before he cursed again and just laid back down.

It was only then you noticed he’d been laying on top of a cardboard box that had been smushed in though you weren’t sure if it was from just him laying on it or if the men had torn it up. It caused pity to fill your heart even more for this guy you didn’t know. “I’m.. so sorry. What happened? Did they just randomly start picking on you?” You asked as you reached out towards him to get a stand of wet hair out of his face. He closed his eyes when you did so before he replied. “I guess. I don’t.. they just came up and starting saying dumb shit. Calling me shit and whatever. All because the damn ears and tail I guess..” Uh what?

He again tried to sit back up and did so successfully this time though he groaned again as he did so. “Damn. Even back when I was a teen I don’t think people were as savage as kids these days.” He said as he looked down at himself and his dirty clothes.

It was only when he was sitting up when you noticed that oh yeah, he definitely was a cat person or in this case, a catboy. You didn’t know many to be honest so you couldn’t help but stare at his cat ears that had fur the same color as his hair and what you could see of his tail which was the same color but fluffier.

He eventually looked back up at you again once he’d wiped some blood away from a cut on his leg. It quickly got you back onto what was more important at hand here, the fact that he was injured and in need of help instead of the fact he was a older ‘catboy’ man. You shook your head to get yourself out of your thoughts before you spoke. “Yeah. Don’t worry. I’ll figure out how to report them later. I work in a busy store closer into town. I’ll probably see them again eventually. But seriously Sir.. I think you need to at least find somewhere else to stay for a bit. They might come back. There is a homeless shelter I think not way too far off I can walk you to.”

He stared at you for a minute in silence before he gently took his sunglasses back out of your hand and looked down at them. He seemed to ignore your concerns as he just replied, “Thanks for saving my ass. Usually punks like them just ignore me for the most part.” He ran a thumb over the shattered lens.

Though you wanted to help him out anyway you could, you couldn’t help but to be a little frustrated at him for not taking what just happened to him that seriously. Those fuckers can’t get away with this and who knows if the man had a broken bone or something? You thought to yourself a bit before you came up with a idea. Maybe not the most sane one ever but if he wasn’t going to see a professional…

“It was nothing. I hate people like them. But uhm, Would you maybe be okay with being patched up somewhat over at my place? I’m sorry but I wouldn’t feel right leaving you out here. I need to do something at least for you.”

Dude again was silent as he looked at you. You had already done something for him. You saved him which wasn’t something most people would try to do for him often in his fucked up life. Plus, he was also trying to be realllly nice in his head towards you and ignore the thoughts about you being a dumbass for randomly confronting a group of unhinged kids as woman who didn’t know if they were armed or not.. and now was inviting a stranger to come over. He knew you did all that because- well, he hoped it was at least because you were brave and not just willingly ignorant. But either way your actions came out of a place of genuine care which he had to respect and found kind. So he looked himself back over again, seeing how dirty his clothes were (more than usual) and all the blood and cuts and bruises before he looked back towards you.

“I uh- I suppose if really can’t leave me be otherwise..” he mumbled. You gave him a soft grin before you picked your bags back up off the ground. “Just until the rain stops and I know you’re not uh.. in critical condition.” You reassured him. He gave you a half smile back which you were kinda surprised at. Even though this guy had gotten what looked like the life beaten out of him, he seemed somewhat unfazed. Which also made you concerned a bit though since that probably meant he’s gone through worse. But you ignored that thought for now as you noticed him struggling to get up.

You reached over and wrapped you arms around him to support him as he put a arm around you so he could stand up. Once he did, he immediately got a pained look again as he placed both his hands on his back. “God damnit. Those kids really had to go for my back of all places..” He grumbled with a frown. You held back any comment along the lines of ‘see? I know you need to see a professional right now.’ Since you knew he probably wouldn’t budge. Instead you just leaned back in again and wrapped a arm around him to help support him as you began to take a couple steps. “Yeah. Hopefully some pain meds will help ease the pain a bit. There isn’t too many other things I can think of to help ease the pain other than that..” you said which made him chuckle a little and say something about having his own medicine too but once he patted his pockets for whatever said ‘medicine’ was and he realized he lost it, he frowned and cussed again, now seeming even more upset than before.

-

Thankfully you didn’t live way too far from the building. You didn’t talk much with him on the way home since you could tell he was putting most of his energy into not just giving up and falling back down onto the ground in agony every five seconds. You did however get his name, which was apparently just ‘Dude’. God this man was strange all around once you thought about it but you put that thought aside for the time being. Even if he did seem a bit odd he needed help. And he wasn’t terribly odd to the point of being unnerving, he’d even offered to hold a couple bags for you though you denied the help. Though he was going through his own obvious shit, he still had this charm about him that you couldn’t help not to be interested in. Maybe once everything was said and done you could get his story out of him on how he ended up presumably sleeping outside..with him you could tell it was probably a interesting story of how he ended up the way he was.

Once you got in, your focus shifted towards planning what to do with him first though. You could go ahead and go grab your first aid kit and have him sit down but you could tell Dude really, really needed to shower. Him and his clothes were pretty filthy and you were sure that even if it didn’t help ease his pain that much, it would feel nice to at least start off by feeling fresh again. So you tossed your bags onto the couch for right now with one hand before you slowly removed your arm out from behind him. “If you don’t want to, you don’t have to but maybe it would help to take a shower first? And get all the grime off you so you won’t get infections in your cuts. I can run your clothes through the wash also.” You offered as you shimmied your coat off.

He stopped glancing around your little living room once you offered that. “I guess if that’s fine.” He replied. You assumed he didn’t fight much with you on that since he probably really had been wanting a shower even before the events of today. You assured him it was no issue before you excused yourself to quickly put some of the food you picked up away before you led him to your bathroom. “Just set your clothes outside the bathroom door. I’m sure they’ll feel a lot better once they are cleaned.”

He looked from the bathroom back down to you. “And if they aren’t cleaned when I’m done?” He asked. Oh duh. It would take a while for all his clothes to be clean thoroughly. You thought to yourself for minute. Maybe you could run out really quick to the store again and pick up some new clothes? But then again it was raining even harder out and who knows if those bullies were hanging out around outside looking for trouble again. The thought crossed your mind to ask you neighbor for a quick drive over but you remembered they were gone for a trip this weekend. And well, also you weren’t that incredibly dumb (somehow) to leave basically a stranger alone in your house. So what the hell were you going to do? You thought a bit longer before it hit you.

“Ah oh yeah. My ex boyfriend left some of his clothes here and never picked them up. I’m sure you’re around the same size as him.” You said with a grin. At least something worked out in your favor today. Dude shrugged and said something about he’ll try them on at least. You went and grabbed one of your exs old band shirts and gray sweat pants, handed them over and showed him were all the towels and hair products were before you left him to go rinse off. You waited for him to toss his old clothes outside of the door and went and took them to the washer and started the load before you listened to the shower water start to run for a bit. Until you were sure he was fine before you went and dug around in your kitchen cabinets for your first aid kits and bandages and while you were at in in there, you grabbed a couple snacks for him since you had some hope that eating would make him feel a bit better.

-

Eventually he wandered out after a while and went back into the living room where he heard the tv playing and you digging through your first aid box. You gave him a grin once you saw him not all dirty as earlier. “Was it okay? Do you feel better?” You asked as he made his way over to sit next to you on the couch.

“Mm.. yep. Had to cut a damn hole in the back of the sweat pants though for my tail. I’m guessing you don’t date catboys, huh?” He joked as his tail actually swayed a little. You laughed a little before shrugging. “I would. Just hasn’t happened yet. Anyways, is there any cuts that are really bad? I uh- I’m a bit squeamish when it comes to stitches though just so you know. I mean I could probably do it but uhm..” you trailed off as he leaned further into the couch.

“Nah. If I was bleeding that bad I would have probably passed out in that shower. I think most of what I got are bruises besides some cuts on my legs. Kinda deep but nothing I can’t handle.” He said, looking over at the tv. You’d left on the news channel where they were currently going over the weather. It didn’t look like it was going to let up any until tomorrow by the looks of it.

“Well.. let me check anyways. A bandage could never hurt yknow?” You said as you sat up to pull your coffee table up closer towards the couch so he could put his legs up. He gave you a little look like ‘seriously?’ but put them up anyways before rolling up the pants, revealing some pretty nasty cuts and scratches but nothing really insanely life threatening by the looks of it. You moved to sit next to his legs on the ground before digging around for bandages of different sizes. “Should I put some ointments on any? Some of them might sting though so…”

He shook his head and smiled down at you. “Nah. Your little bandages aren’t going to be helping much anyways but I guess it’s the thought that counts.” He teased. You ignored him and got to work patching him up. He watched you work until the snack cakes you’d sat on the couch arm next to him caught his eyes which you noticed. “You can go ahead and have those.. I left them out for you. If you don’t like em you can dig around for something else once I’m done.”

He picked one of them up and went ahead and opened the packaging. “Nah. These are good. But y/n.. can I tell you something?” He asked before he went and took a bite of the snack cake that had strawberry cream in the middle.

“Mhm.”

“Do you just invite anyone to your house? I mean I definitely appreciate you wanting to help but you really need to have some kinda awareness, hun.” He said as he chewed (Yuck)

You didn’t answer for a bit as you peeled off the back of another bandage. Honestly he did have a point.. you really did need to try to think through things more but you couldn’t have left him there like you told him earlier and plus… “I dunno. You seem nice enough I guess? Just uhm. Down on luck?”

Dude rolled his eyes. “Even still. You never know with people these days. Well even back in my day it was smart to question everything and everyone.. I dunno you just need to be safer is all I’m saying. The worlds fucked.”

You nodded along but couldn’t help smile a little at the safety comment. “Well, what about you? You need to learn how to be safe too. Sleeping out in the rain and refusing medicinal help isn’t the safest idea in my opinion.” You playfully pointed out. He shrugged however. “Well there is somethings you can’t help. You just gotta know your way around situations is all.”

-

After you finished and Dude finished his safety talk, you got some pain killers and moved his clothes over to the dryer and once you came back into the living room where he was sitting, you noticed he’d began to relax even more into the couch. You couldn’t help but to notice how his eyelids had begun to look a bit heavy as he occasionally had his eyes closed for small periods of time. You didn’t wanna really question when was the last time he’d been able to sleep somewhere nice. The bags under his eyes told you it definitely hadn’t been for a while though.

You bothered him anyways to hand him a water and some medications which he took without a fuss.

Once he sat the water bottle down after taking the pain killers he began to talk. “The news is saying it’s going to get worse out there tonight. Just my luck huh?”

It had already gotten a bit worse already from what you could tell from what you could tell from outside one of your windows that had the curtains still open. It had gotten even darker and every now and the you could hear the rumbling of thunder. You really didn’t want Dude to go out in that so you shrugged. “You don’t gotta deal with it. You can stay over night. I have a quest bedroom.” You said before you took a seat next to him again back on the couch.

Dude chuckled. “God you treat me too good y/n. Or is that you just don’t want me to leave?” He teased, grinning at you. You felt your cheeks get warm at that. Besides being oddly charming for a weirdo, he was really attractive for multiple different reasons. The one reason that was sticking out to you the most though as you were looking at him right now was the fact at how good he made your douchebag of a ex boyfriends clothes look. You had been a bit somewhat wrong. Your ex had been kinda smaller than Dude so the pants and shirt fit kinda tight on him though Dude hasn’t said anything about that yet.

Dude had a really nice body.. a dad bod body even which you were into. The shirt even showed off his slight beer gut since the shirt was kinda stuck always riding up Dudes stomach. It fit him like a damn crop top more than anything else. Dude was also a really pretty tan color that went perfect with his hair. You could look at him forever honestly but it seemed like he noticed you checking him out which made you quickly face back towards the tv again. “I-I already told you Dude I just don’t wanna know you’re out there in all of that mess.”

“Hmmm… is that it?” He asked out loud which you didn’t respond to, continuing to just do your best to only pay attention to the TV.

-

You two sat up for a bit longer until you realized Dude was fighting off sleep which he clearly didn’t need to be doing so you managed to drag him to the little spare bedroom where you were now in the middle of telling him where everything was. He ignored you it seemed though as he walked towards the bed as you were in the middle of telling him what channels there were on the tv in there.

He pushed his hand into the mattress before he looked at you all big eyed. “Y/n… is this fucking memory foam?” He asked as he pulled blankets down like he was getting ready to get in.

“Uhm yeah! I kinda have a bad back too so I-”

You were interrupted by a very inappropriate sounding sound leaving Dudes mouth as he laid down on the bed. It made you blush even though he only made that sound because he was getting comfortable you guessed..but who the hell moans when feeling a nice bed?

“Oh-hohoho yeah. I’d die for this in my trailer.” He said closing his eyes. Though, again he had just fucking moaned because of a bed you felt pleased that he looked genuinely peaceful for once. “You got a trailer?” You asked.

“Mhm. Someone stole it though. I’m not actually for real homeless yknow?…Just down on my luck like you said.”

“Ah.” You replied. You were about to tell him to ‘well, get some sleep for tonight and we’ll figure out what to do next tomorrow’ but something caught your attention. If you listened you could hear a faint sound. The sound of a purr and well, since you didn’t have a cat you knew it was coming from him.

“You can purr?!” You asked in shock. You supposed it made sense since he is part cat but you never thought that trait had carried over into cat people being mostly human. He opened his eyes and looked over towards you, his face getting a little red. He looked kinda embarrassed as he answered. “Uh yeah. I’m just comfy though that’s why.”

“Hmm. It’s not because of how good I’m treating you?” You asked with a teasing tone as you got closer towards him. He smirked and shrugged. “I dunno. It’s probably part of it.”

“Hm. I see.” You said before thinking to yourself for a moment. “Can I try something?” you suddenly asked. Dude looked a bit quizzical at you but shrugged again. “I guess.”

With this permission, you reached over and began to scratch behind his ear.

————————————————————————

Note: I don’t know how to end this and if I tried to think of how to it would be stuck in my drafts forever but it was gonna end with him purring even more, being uwu shy kawaii nervous but y’all going to bed in diff rooms LOL uhh maybe I’ll actually do a better ending eventually I dunno. Maybe I’ll make a part two one day :/c

[titularkilljoy]

sometimes and always

//a love story in five acts

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female Reader

Summary: It's hard to resist falling into bed with a cute neighbour, but it turns out it's even harder to resist falling for him. (alternatively- Spencer Reid and the reader struggle to resolve their feelings but make valiant attempts to do so while lying horizontally in each other's beds.)

Word Count: 7k

Warnings: Explicit sexual content, strong language, decidedly non-American spelling conventions

Author's Note: SO. This fic was originally part of a fic swap for the wickedly talented @imagining-in-the-margins, but it is now over six months too late. Thankfully, patience apparently springs eternal in her?? besides all the other amazing things?? Unfair, but good for me. So, Pom, this one is for you. Thanks for being the absolute best and putting up with my rants and not judging me for mocking everything and everyone all the time. Love, Perpetually Tardy.

(i)

This is how it happened the first time.

I was frowning at the pitiful stack of mail in my hands, wondering if the conspicuously missing letters and subscriptions would ever be returned to me. Ever since moving to my new apartment, I had been at the mercy of the Postal System and that was never a good situation to be in. I’d resigned myself to having to take an extra trip back to my old building and do some investigating, when the elevator dinged and I stepped in. Just as the doors slid closed, there was the frantic rumble of footsteps and a hand slipping into the narrowing gap.

The doors sprang apart to let in the harried owner of the appendage, who barely spared me a glance before turning to face the front, eyes briefly darting to the buttons. It took me a second to recognise him. It was the guy from the apartment opposite to mine, although so far that seemed to be only a nominal living arrangement; in my two weeks there, I’d seen him exactly once, merely in passing, and we had exchanged a sum total of zero words.

I followed his lead and stopped blatantly staring at him, though I continued studying him covertly through my peripheral vision. He looked—well, his jawline looked like it could cut glass effortlessly and he had the soft chestnut hair of a male model and I knew I was probably going to develop a very embarrassing crush on him at some point— but besides that, he looked browbeaten, his whole posture seeming to buckle under the invisible weight of the world.

There was an awkward moment when he realised we were both heading in the same direction, and I took it upon myself to break the ice.

“Hi,” I greeted, introducing myself, “I just moved in. I don’t think I’ve seen you around.” I gave him my warmest smile.

His swift assessing glance would have escaped my notice if I hadn’t been paying such close attention; his expression was still shuttered off, but he offered an endearing little quirk of his lips and an introduction. “Spencer Reid. I’ve-uh, I’ve been away on a work thing.”

“Oh? What do you do?” I asked, beginning a leisurely walk down the hallway and fishing my keys out of my bag. I immediately regretted the query when, impossibly, his eyes became even more guarded.

“I’m an FBI agent.”

Well, that clipped admission would have given anyone pause. “Oh, wow. That’s really impressive, dude.”

“Thanks.” He hesitated before adding, “I’m part of the Behavioural Analysis Unit.”

“So, you’re like a psychologist?”

“I catch serial killers.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The silence wasn’t uncomfortable so much as it was brimming with my insecurities. The alcohol in my blood helped with that, though; the next words were out of my mouth before I even registered the thought.

“Do you want to come in?”

“Oh, uh—”

He was going to say no.

“It’s just that you look like you could use some company. And I think it’s absolutely criminal that we haven’t gotten to know each other yet.”

“It’s really late.”

But he was rocking forwards on his toes just the tiniest bit, leading me to believe that some part of him did want to take me up on my offer that night.

“So it is. Come on, Agent Reid. Be a good neighbour.”

“It’s Doctor, actually,” he corrected. “Doctor Reid. I have Ph.Ds. Three of them.”

My eyebrows had risen to my hairline and, sensing the change in the air, he hurried to put me at ease. “But you can just call me Spencer.”

“Huh. You don’t hear that every day.” I chuckled sheepishly. “Well, come on in, Doctor.”

There was a moment when his whole body leaned towards me and his face looked conflicted but slightly enthusiastic, and I was convinced I could turn the night into a very pleasant one for both of us. Then, with a loud clatter, my keys slipped from my hands, startling us. The moment was broken, and I sighed in resignation.

“Let me guess, you’ve decided I’m too drunk and we’re going to go our separate ways.”

At least he had the good grace to look apologetic. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea right now,” he told me slowly as he bent down to pick up my keys and pressed them securely into my outstretched hand, “It’s late and I’ve had a long day. I’ll...see you around?”

“Sure,” I managed to say with a regretful smile, “I’m holding you to that.”

*~*

That, however, turned out to be easier said than done, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the Herculean feat of unpacking and organising my new place with a mild hangover and a tinge of frustration over lost opportunities looming over me. Once that was dealt with, the bigger challenge turned out to be actually locating the man in question. I knocked on his door a few times, but when the responding silence continued to persist for over a week, I began to think he’d just been a drunken hallucination in the first place. And the longer I went without any follow-up interactions, the more intensely I started overthinking the slightly fuzzy memory of our brief conversation.

Of course I’d managed to make a fool of myself in front of a really cute guy. That was absolutely in character for me. Every time I passed by his door, I convinced myself a little more that I owed him a sincere apology for my poor, inconsiderate conduct.

Beyond the embarrassment, however, work didn’t leave me much time to think about it, and by the time I was trudging to my apartment the next Saturday, the whole encounter had been relegated firmly to the back burner. Naturally, that was when the faint glow of light under his door distracted me from the very passive-aggressive email I was composing. I hesitated.

The deep breaths I sucked in didn’t serve much more purpose than to make me somewhat lightheaded, but I forged on anyway. I knocked on the door, and waited.

There was silence, followed by the sound of reluctantly shuffling feet, and then, finally, I was face to face with Spencer Reid once again.

“Um,” I started, “hi.”

He stared at me wordlessly for a beat, during which I started to wonder if he’d actually forgotten me already.

“So, we met the other day, and I just want to apologise. I didn’t mean to come on to you so strongly, and I get that you weren’t int-”

“Do you want to come inside?”

“..What?”

“Do you want to come inside?” he repeated, enunciating clearly. That didn’t clear up my confusion, though.

“Um. Yes? Sure. I mean, no, shouldn’t we talk about this a bit?”

He let out a tired laugh. “I don’t want to talk right now.”

“Alright,” I said, biting my lip. I followed him inside, and pushed the door closed behind me; it emitted an innocuous little click as it fell shut.

There was something about the weariness behind his eyes and the careful set of his jaw that made me want to study him and understand what was going through his head, but all I could glean that night was that Spencer didn’t seem amenable to much time spent on documentation.

“So,” I began unsurely, shedding my jacket and scanning the contents of the room, the piles upon piles of books and the distinct lack of much else, “tell me about yourself.”

“Didn’t I already do that?”

“Hmm, that’s not the whole story,” I mumbled, running my fingers over a broken-spined, wrinkled copy of Paradise Lost laid open on a heavy wooden desk. A single smudge of blue ink stood out against the yellowing page, and beside it, the print read: This horror will grow mild, this darkness light. “You’re not just an FBI agent.”

“That’s all that’s important,” he asserted, taking a step towards me. He had one eye on my curiously wandering fingers and, sensing that it was making him more antsy than he needed to be, I tucked my hands into my back pockets, facing him with a grin of false bravado. I really wished I was drunk. That would have made things infinitely easier.

“Besides,” he continued, this time meeting my eyes directly, “I don’t know anything about you either.”

“Fair enough,” I conceded, stepping closer to him.

His eyes didn’t leave mine, until my own strayed to the bobbing curve of his throat and the tantalising motion of his tongue sweeping over his bottom lip. Not for the first time that week, I wondered how terrible of an idea it would be to try to kiss my attractive neighbour. I could see my own apprehensions mirrored in his stance, and I saw the exact moment when he identified the focus of my gaze.

I didn’t have to spend much time contemplating. He decided, just as I did, that any consequences of this impulsive decision could be dealt with later.. I lunged for him just as he closed the distance in one long stride, grasping my jaw in both his hands. Then we were firmly attached at the lips, and his arms wrapped around my waist and dragged me closer, seemingly intent on devouring my mouth. Gradually, our actions slowed a bit, the kiss turning softer and more exploratory, our tongues winding around each other gently, my lungs readily accepting his deep, nasal sigh.

His arms around my waist were a steadily spreading band of warmth, and I could feel the growing evidence of his arousal against my thigh. I found myself thinking I could be very happy with just kissing him like this, feeling his breaths tickle my face, letting my hands suffer minute pinpricks from the stubble littering his jaw. But then his grip shifted to my hips and tightened ever so slightly, and it was like I’d been doused with fuel and set alight. My fingers struggled to unbutton his shirt as he pressed distracting kisses along my neck, my soft whimpers breaking the relative silence of the room.

All of a sudden, the ground shifted and my stomach swooped, and it took a second or two before I realised I was now in his arms, being carried towards, presumably, his bedroom. Content, I got to work on undoing the last button and trying to slip the shirt down his arms entirely. He granted me a chuckle for my troubles before laying me down gently on our destination and taking it off himself.

He didn’t waste any time in sinking his knees into the soft mattress on either side of my legs, helping me out of my own clothes and methodically kissing every bit of newly exposed skin, until finally, I was clad only in flimsy cotton and he was nosing at my aching core. With two fingers, he deftly removed the last of my defences and pressed his mouth against me. I moaned, my hands flying to his hair and trying to keep from pulling too hard as he used his tongue to examine every inch of my arousal, evidently experimenting based on the sounds he managed to elicit from me.

“Oh, my God,” I babbled, hips bucking wildly under the iron grip holding them down.

“Tell me,” he demanded, pulling away slightly, “tell me how much you like it.”

“Spencer,” I breathed desperately, “Please. I need- I need more.”

He hummed leisurely against me, frustrating me to no end. My grip in his hair tightened at last, guiding him where I needed him most, and I swear I felt his lips stretch into a smile.

It went on for what felt like hours, but there was no earthly way I could have lasted that long. He took mercy on me eventually, plunging two long fingers deep inside me, closing his lips around the bundle of nerves that, predictably, sent me into a violent, shaking climax. He nursed me patiently through the aftershocks, waiting till my legs had stilled before rising to undo his belt and rid himself of his pants. I was already mourning the loss of his closeness, and I pulled him back on top of me the moment he was within reach.

“Come on, Doctor,” I taunted, “It’s time you made good on your promise and got to the main event.”

“I never promised anything,” he retorted, but the playful glint in his eyes excited me, and while he reached over beside us to the nightstand, I rose to the occasion.

“Oh? Well, if you don’t want to, I guess I’ll just head out, then,” I teased, going so far as to attempt to sit up from underneath him. I felt a low, threatening sound begin in his chest and make its way up his throat as his hands gripped my wrists and brought them down to my sides, pinning me in place.

It was my turn to chuckle at his eagerness, lifting my head to briefly peck him on his lips.

“Don’t worry, Spencer,” I cooed, “I’m not going anywhere. Now fuck me already.”

“With pleasure,” came the response, and while I wondered idly how a smirk could simultaneously be sinister and bashful, there was the sharp sound of crinkling foil, and then he cut off my thoughts by entering me in one fluid motion.

“Fuck!” I cried out, holding him around the shoulders, bringing him impossibly closer.

“That’s it,” he groaned in my ear, “let me hear you.”

He set a torturous rhythm, thrusting into me harshly before pulling out slowly, carefully, making me relish the sensation, anticipation building steadily in the pit of my stomach and spreading until it engulfed me. A ceaseless litany of moans and whimpers filled the air around us, the source of each barely discernible. At last, I could feel myself riding the very precipice, and his name began to fall from my lips like a prayer.

“Spencer,” I called, “Spenc-”

He swallowed the rest of my inconsequential cries, bringing his thumb to where we were joined to guide me over the edge, and as I convulsed around him soundlessly, he reached his own climax, blunt fingernails leaving crescent marks on my hips, his heavy panting breaths stuttering, once, against my clavicle, before calming and slowly evening out.

We stayed that way for a few minutes, my hand combing lightly through his hair, his closed-mouth kisses pressing against my neck like a balm. Eventually, though, we had to move, and it was he who did first. He pulled out and walked away from the bed without looking at me, tossing the tied-up condom in the trash. I sat up, cross-legged, watching him for a bit, pursing my lips when I noticed he was actively avoiding my gaze.

I cleared my throat. “Where’s your bathroom?”

He pointed in a general direction and mumbled something incoherent; sighing in disappointment, I stood up gingerly and went to clean myself up. When I returned, the room still smelled like sex, and Spencer was still evasive, but he was sitting on the edge of the bed now. He looked up when I entered, watching me pick up my clothes.

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly.

I glanced over at him. “Yeah, I’m good. You?”

Nodding, he watched me get dressed, then followed me into the living room and watched me drape my jacket over my arm. Then he watched me walk to the door, all the while not saying a word.

The cool steel of the doorknob in my hand, I looked over my shoulder one more time.

“Well, Spencer. You know where to find me, I guess,” I muttered, shaking my head slightly. Then I left his apartment, and despite the enormity of what had transpired during my visit, the click of the door closing sounded exactly the same.

.

(ii)

Of course, after that, I resolved it would never happen again. The man next door clearly had some issues with what we had done, and I couldn’t be bothered to solve them. It was, frankly, idiotic to jeopardise the prospect of good neighbours in favour of sex, however great it might have been.

It was embarrassing how quickly my resolution packed its bags and jumped out of my third-storey window.

I was awoken the next morning by three firm raps on my door. I think I knew, somehow, who was trying to get my attention, so I took my time, but the reveal of Spencer’s regretful face didn’t surprise me any less. I was wary as I stared at him wordlessly, cycling through all the possible reasons for his visit, and his eyes dropped to the way my arms tightly hugged my midsection. He winced then, meeting my eyes.

“I’m sorry for the way I acted,” he blurted, and it sounded so rehearsed that I had to stifle a guffaw. There was a flicker of something in his eyes that could have been frustration, but he powered through. “I’ve had a pretty terrible week at work and I think I was trying to get something out of my head. But I was awful to you, and it was completely my fault. I’m sorry if I offended you. I had...a great time.”

I’d been watching him carefully throughout his speech, and if he was faking the earnestness in those last couple of lines, he was an extraordinary actor. I concluded, as I studied the apologetic slump of his shoulders and the dark bags into which his eyes had sunken, that I didn’t need to worry about the veracity of his words.

“It’s okay,” I said hesitantly. “I mean, no, it’s not okay, it felt really awful, but thanks for explaining. I get it now.”

“Oh,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking off to the side, “that’s great. Thank you.” He shoved his hands deep into his pockets.

“Problem?” I was bemused.

“No!” He was looking back at me, now. “I- well, to be honest, I wasn’t expecting it to be this easy. I thought I’d have to convince you.”

“Huh. Well, you can still convince me, Doctor. Give me a second to get ready. You’re buying me breakfast.”

I quite liked the shy smile that graced his face in response.

*~*

It kept happening. There was no way I could have stopped it, and there was no reason I would have wanted to.

We quickly grew into a familiar rhythm. Each time, it started with one of us having a particularly stressful day. Each time, it started with a knock on the door and some perfunctory shuffling around. Before wasn’t the time for talking. Each time, we’d stumble into whichever surface was closest, and every time it wasn’t the bed, Spencer would make some halfhearted protests about germs and hygiene, before I shut him up very effectively with a manicured hand on his dick. Each time, in the During, I marvelled at how well we fit together, how quickly we’d learned each other’s bodies, and each time, I saw more of him than I had the last.

And I loved every bit of it.

Spencer no longer retreated into his shell in the After. He’d try sometimes, but I knew how to coax him out, now. I’d slip my hand into his, ever so gently, and wait. Or I’d sling one arm around his waist until he returned the embrace. I was getting scarily good at reading him. It was like working on an intricate puzzle, and every new achievement was rewarded with a deeper, longer look into his mind.

I carefully stored away every casual anecdote about someone from work or his godson or his mother, and I loved to watch the life burn bright in his eyes. Of course, they were all happy stories. I could sense the bittersweet aftertaste they left in his mouth, but he never let me inspect it too closely. In turn, I regaled him with tales of my own, of my sister and my parents, of my cat that was perpetually falling asleep on top of me. I told him all the easy, palatable things, holding back just as much as he did, always careful to maintain the wall of superficiality.

But things did slip through the cracks every once in a while, from both of us-- they were bound to, what with the sheer amount of time we spent together in various states of undress. Things that made me burn with curiosity that couldn’t be sated without jeopardising the very foundation of our arrangement. So I turned a blind eye to the jagged scars on his thigh and neck when he failed to maneuver to hide them; in return, he kept mum when I walked into his apartment, on the day of my worst professional disaster, with runny makeup and bloodshot eyes, shivering all over.

If he noticed that I kissed the skin over his scars a little more tenderly, lavishing attention on him the first time I saw them, he didn’t show it. If he liked the way I always nuzzled my face into the one on his neck when we were done, he didn’t show it.

For my part, I tried very hard not to read into the slow, shallow thrusts or the almost reverent way he handled me when my tears still hadn’t dried. I definitely did not read into the arm over my shoulder or the slightly baffled crease in his brow while we sat on his couch with a random episode of The Office.

And if, maybe, the frequency of his visits increased as the months went by, who could blame him? He was an FBI agent. He probably had a lot of bad days.

Sometimes, though, I’d go over when I’d had a good day and I felt like celebrating. Sometimes, I’d knock on his door just because I was bored and I wanted to see him. It wasn’t as if he would know the difference. Our bodies knew how to be around each other, and that was all that mattered.

This was just stress relief, after all.

(“Have you ever been in love?” I asked him once, abruptly, my heart still pounding as the sweat cooled on our skins.

He glanced at me warily, but he must have detected only honest curiosity on my face, not lovesickness or anything else that would have had him running for the hills.

He chewed on his lip for a moment. “Once.”

“What happened?” My finger traced an aimless pattern on his chest.

“She loves me,” he said, “but she isn’t in love with me.”)

We never articulated any feelings we may or may not have about each other or our situation. We dodged sincere conversation like it would kill us. So all the pieces we owned of each other were ones that we had been remiss in guarding diligently. That only made them all the more precious.

But on the heels of every stolen glance, there was a moment where he looked right through me, where I felt blank and insubstantial, like I was a placeholder for something or someone, and that would be enough for the wall to be between us again, rigid and unrelenting.

It was a shame that I was stupid enough to hold on to the scraps that fell through anyway.

.

(iii)

I was an immensely stupid person.

That was the only explanation for why I was leaning against the outer wall of our apartment building at three in the morning, desperately shoving my hands into my coat pockets to brace against the cold.

“You don’t have to be here.”

Can he read minds now? I wondered sullenly. Spencer was sitting on the front steps, with his head in his hands. His hair was dishevelled, and his eyes were the picture of torment. I would have loved to console him, but every attempt so far had been firmly rebuffed.

He had knocked on my door an hour ago and silenced my greeting with a bruising kiss. Of course, I knew how to do that dance, but Spencer had been off his rhythm tonight. When I’d reached for his shirt, he’d pushed my arms away. When I had kissed his jaw, he'd flinched. When I’d finally retreated in concern to ask him what was wrong, he had huffed out that he was perfectly fine, before trying to lift my shirt over my head.

I’d pushed him onto the bed and tried to distract him, and he had responded by clenching the sheets in his fists instead of grabbing my hips. I’d whispered his name in his ear the way he usually loved, and he’d climbed out from under me, sitting up on the bed with his chest heaving. At that point, I’d given up. What had followed was an exercise in patience.

(“Spencer, what’s wrong?” I’d asked again, to no avail.

“It’s nothing. I don’t want to talk about it,” he’d gritted out, glaring at me.

I’d sighed. “Okay, which is it? Nothing, or that you don’t want to talk about it?”

Silence.

“Well something is clearly bothering you. Am I just supposed to ignore that?”

“We don’t need to talk about anything.” He’d tried to kiss me again. That time, I was the one who pushed him away.

“No, Spencer, this isn’t working. I don’t think we should do this tonight.”

The glare had intensified. “Fine.” He’d gotten up and tried to put his shirt back on, but his hands were shaking.

Cursing my investment in this man, I’d helped him while he stared daggers at me. When he’d hunted down his shoes and made his way out of my apartment, I’d pulled on my coat and followed, petting my cat briefly when he tried to follow us.)

So now we were outside, experiencing the most awkward silence ever known to man. Every time I attempted to put a hand on his shoulder or sit beside him, he would tense up yet again.

“Yes, Spencer,” I replied at length, “I do. You look like you might accidentally walk into traffic. I’m not leaving.”

“It’s not your problem.” The petulance was beginning to get on my nerves. I hadn’t signed up for sleepless weeknights.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I told him, shrugging.

I pulled out my phone to distract myself with the cute animals in my game. Spencer was still worryingly silent. But if he didn’t want to talk to me and he wouldn’t let me near him, there was little I could do but stand there.

Every now and then, his breathing would hitch, and I would study him out of the corner of my eye. Whether he fully registered my presence or not, I was unsure, but he seemed to be calming down. He looked less on edge, his eyes less wild, and I was about to approach him and try again, when a black car pulled up just ahead of us.

Both our heads jerked to attention, but the petite blonde who exited the car only had eyes for Spencer.

“Spence!” She rushed to him, pulling him into a hug that he slowly reciprocated. “Your phone is off. After what happened, I was so worried,” she murmured into his hair, her eyes shut in relief.

And Spencer-- Spencer’s face was something to behold. His eyes were tightly closed, his lips turned down unhappily, and his face was so naked and open that I almost looked away. Almost. The pain that shone there riveted me. I felt as if I could see every wound he had ever suffered, in that instant. He’d never shown me that before. And he still hadn’t-- this wasn’t for me. The embrace broke, but his face stayed the same while the woman fussed over him.

Something came back to me, a fragment of a memory. She loves me but she isn’t in love with me. Unbidden, a sound of realisation escaped my throat, drawing two pairs of eyes to the dark corner in which I had been so far obscured.

Spencer schooled his face back to some semblance of normalcy, and ran a hand through his hair.

“Uh, JJ, this is--”

“Leaving,” I blurted out, then cleared my throat. “I was just leaving. Work in the morning. Nice to meet you.” I tried to smile at her, but it felt more like a pained grimace.

I brushed past both of them, but hesitated on the top step. “Spencer…”

His gaze was inscrutable, and I was too tired to try to decipher it.

“Feel better,” I mumbled, and then I left them there.

*~*

I was not sulking.

I told myself this as I lounged on the couch in my most comfortable pyjamas, stuffing my face with junk food and watching Michael Scott lament his foot injury.

So what if Spencer was in love with a beautiful blonde while getting him to talk to me was like pulling teeth? It wasn’t like I’d been carrying a torch for him. We were just extremely compatible sexually. And in very close proximity to each other. That put us in the ideal position to hook up whenever we needed it. That was the extent of our relationship. For all I knew, he’d been sleeping with other people this whole time. I hardly had the right to protest it if he had. We hadn’t set up rules. We just fell into bed together as and when we liked.

It was a good, uncomplicated thing.

So I needed to make sense of whatever needless jealousy I was feeling, before I ruined it. I couldn’t sit around being pathetic. I had a life.

There was a knock on the door.

Sighing, I turned off the TV and put the snacks away. Spencer was quiet as I let him in. His eyes roamed the small living room as if he didn’t know his way around my place as well as he did his own. I perched on the arm of the couch and stared at him, hoping my face didn’t betray the rollercoaster of emotions I’d experienced over the last forty-eight hours.

“So,” I started, “you okay?”

He looked a bit startled, as if he hadn’t expected me to address it at all. I tried not to roll my eyes.

“Yeah. I’m alright.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” I prompted, “It was pretty intense.”

“It-uh, it was a work thing. JJ helped me out.”

Of course she did. “Great,” I said aloud.

We looked at each other for a beat. “She’s the one, isn’t she?” I blurted before I could stop myself.

“What?”

“The one you’re in love with?”

There was a telltale spot of red high on his cheeks, even as he sputtered. “That’s not-- I mean, yes, but that was--”

“It’s fine,” I said cheerily. “I was just curious.”

He frowned at me. “She’s my best friend, it’s not--”

“No, I get it.” My stomach was somewhere near my feet. “So, do you wanna fuck?”

Again, he seemed taken aback. “What?”

“Isn’t that why you’re here?” I directed my gaze at his meticulously polished shoes.

“No.” A pause. “I just wanted to say-- would you look at me for a second?”

I forced myself to comply.

“I, uh, I wanted to thank you. For staying with me the other night.” The sincerity in his eyes was a bit too much to bear at the moment.

I hadn’t done anything, and I told him as much.

“You didn’t have to. Just being there was more than enough.”

“Right,” I said hollowly. “So is that it?”

“Yeah.” He seemed very lost. “Um, are you okay?”

“Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re acting kind of strange.”

“That’s because there isn’t usually this much talking,” I snapped.

I longed to smooth out the lines on his face and make him feel at ease again. This was supposed to be the good, uncomplicated thing. He was apparently making an effort. I could return the favour.

“I’m sorry,” I said, letting out a deep breath and rubbing a hand over my face. “Can I get you something to drink? We can talk about it if you want. Or just hang out.” I tried to squash down the hope that bloomed in my chest.

“Oh. Sure, if that’s okay.” He was chewing on his lip again, and it was unfairly appealing.

And so he stayed. I got two mugs of coffee, and when I came back, he was on my couch reading a well-worn paperback, as if he belonged there. I had to agree with the thought. When he heard me enter the room, he looked up with a smile.

When he left three hours later, I couldn’t remember what we’d talked about or the name of the book he’d abandoned within minutes, but I remembered the way he’d leaned close to me while gesturing wildly with his hands, and I remembered that we hadn’t touched beyond accidental brushes of our fingers the entire time.

He still hadn’t revealed the source of his despair, and I knew there was someone he loved. I knew whatever this was, it would be temporary.

But the smile on my face as I closed the door was real.

.

(v)

Spencer kept coming over. I was never given the chance to initiate contact because it seemed like he was always at my place. Whenever he was in the city, he would be with me. I started to worry about his apartment gathering cobwebs from the disuse. But I couldn’t honestly complain about this new development.

Sometimes we had sex, and sometimes we didn’t. Sometimes he came in sore and tired, other times he was brimming with excitement with a playful grin. Sometimes he was angry at the world and I was allowed to coax him down from his rage. Those nights were in turn infuriating and thrilling.

(“What happened?”

“Work.”

“That’s really helpful, Spencer, care to elucidate?”

“No.”

“Okay, caveman.”

“Shut up and take off your clothes.”

I’d rolled my eyes and complied.)

I enjoyed every bit of him. I wanted to observe and chart every one of his moods and his little quirks. I loved the small pile of his books that had found their way onto the coffee table. I loved introducing him to pop culture that he approached with the same diligence as he would a textbook of quantum physics. He was an eager student, and I attempted to return the favour whenever he launched into his obscure tirades.

Some nights I would drowsily let him in and he would crawl into bed with me, fully clothed. The following mornings, I would wake up with a silly grin on my face, seeing him utterly relaxed and at peace. We’d have breakfast in my kitchen and slowly come awake together over our steaming mugs of coffee.

It was fun, learning him.

In the dead of night, as I was drifting off to sleep, he would tell me bits and pieces of horrible things he’d had to see. All I could offer him then was a tight, protective embrace and a steady gaze as the words clawed their way out of his reluctant throat. It felt like he was giving me some sort of twisted boon, these revelations of his pain. I collected them just as carefully as I did everything else. If it was a part of him that was freely given, I knew I wanted it.

At intervals, I would have to remind myself that he wasn’t truly emotionally available. It wasn’t hard. I only had to picture JJ’s relieved smile and the raw uncloaked expression on his face that I had never seen again. He mentioned her every now and then, and I’d discovered that his godson was her child. He never seemed upset, talking about her family, but he wasn’t the kind of man who would resent another’s happiness, even if it was at the expense of his own. I knew that now. I still remembered the way he would pull away from me and flinch at my touch, and I knew I was playing a losing game. There was no way out of this where I didn’t get hurt. All I could do was try to control it.

Three months after that night outside our building, I knew I’d fallen for him.

I was in trouble and I needed to do something about it, quickly. So I stopped preemptively cancelling plans with my friends and coworkers. I joined a book club. I called in a guy to loudly fix my bathroom sink the day I knew Spencer would be getting home. I even got a gym membership. I tried to be away from home as much as I could.

Whenever Spencer texted me, I would let him know I was unavailable. His texts got progressively more frustrated. Watching the excitement on his face dim when I turned him away at my door was painful. But it was necessary. I convinced myself that when Spencer and I stopped existing in this vacuum without other people, my feelings would weaken and I would be able to get him out of my head.

It didn’t work, of course, and I spent every day missing him. I tried to distract myself with work and my suddenly-full schedule, but the feelings were still there. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop thinking of him every morning and every night, and every time I passed his door and every time I walked by a bookstore.

So when Neil from work asked me out a week later, I said yes.

I wore a nice dress and heels, and he picked me up. We went to a midscale restaurant and talked about boring first-date things, and I knew within the first fifteen minutes that I didn’t want to see him again. I went through the motions, smiled pleasantly at him, and told him I would take a cab home. When I walked dejectedly up to my apartment, it took me a second to realise what I was looking at. My heart leapt and I dropped my keys.

Spencer was sitting on the floor outside my door, and he looked tireder and older than I’d ever seen him. He had looked up at my approach. I froze.

“Spencer.” I hadn’t seen him in a month.

He looked me up and down, and there was an unhappy tilt to his mouth. I wanted to kiss it away. He reached for the keys and rose to his feet.

“Hi.” He held them out to me, and I wanted to laugh and the eerie reflection of our first meeting.

“Hi,” I echoed.

“Were you on a date?”

There was no point in lying to him. “Yes.”

He looked away, his jaw clenching.

Silently, I unlocked the door and held it open. After a moment’s hesitation, he walked in.

He paced the floor of my living room. I took off my shoes and put my keys on the table, waiting for him to speak. I felt out of sorts and unprepared for what was to come. Even when I heard him come to a halt, I didn’t lift my gaze to meet his.

“Why would you-- I thought we had something.” His tone was heavy with accusation.

I stared back at him in challenge. “Sure. We had something. But I didn’t want to fool myself into thinking it was more than it was.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Us! You. You send me all these mixed signals, and I know you’re still hung up on someone else but I let myself get in too deep anyway. I had to protect myself.”

“I’m not hung up on someone else,” he shouted, raising his hands in frustration.

“Of course you are!” I matched his volume. “You told me so yourself.”

“When did I do that?” He sounded honestly bewildered.

“A few months ago. You said you were in love with someone but she didn’t love you back. And then I saw you with JJ that day. I know it’s her. It’s okay. You didn’t promise me anything.”

Feeling drained, I wrapped my hands around my middle. The tears were threatening to fall, but I tried to hold them at bay. This would be over soon. It all would.

“JJ--” he barked out a laugh, surprising me.

“What about this situation is funny to you?” I demanded.

“No, listen--”

“You’re hot and you’re cold. You kick me out right after our first time and then you’re sweet the next day. How do you want me to feel about that?”

“I’m sorry about-”

“Trying to talk to you is impossible! I want to help you. But you clearly don’t want to talk to me!”

“That’s not--”

“And then you’re over here all the time, and I get that it’s because you want to distract yourself, but you have to know how it would con--”

“God, would you just shut up and listen to me for once?”

I glared up at him. He was undeterred, a strange glint in his eyes.

“I love you,” he informed me, striking me dumb. “It took me a while to realise it, but it’s true. I love you.”

All I could do was gape at him as he walked closer to me and took my tightly clenched fists in his hands. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was holding back. I’m trying to be better. And I don’t know what you thought you saw between me and JJ,” he said very slowly, stroking his thumbs gently over my palms, “but all that’s there is a lot of trauma and shared experiences. Yes, I thought I loved her once, but that was a long time ago. We’ve never-- she’s not you.”

Traitorously, that tendril of hope began to coil around my heart again as I searched his face, looking for a trace of a lie.

I found none.

I surged forward, crashing my lips to his with no finesse and too much force, but he was ready for me, releasing my hands and cradling my waist instead. I gripped his hair, letting the tears spill at last, an overjoyed laugh bubbling out of my throat and into his mouth. I let my hands roam the hard plane of his body, the delicious ripple of wiry muscle beneath his shirt, the hidden softness that only I could feel.

“I love you,” I told him when we broke apart for air. “I’m glad I can tell you, I love you, I fucking love you.” Spencer grinned down at me, and the look was so fond I had to kiss him again.

The rest was a blur of hastily discarded clothes and the steadfastly ignored pain of knocking into furniture before we finally found my bed and tumbled into it.

(“All this time, I could have had you,” I groaned into his ear while he thrust his fingers into me, mouthing along my jaw.

“You have me,” he promised into my skin an eternity later, when he was inside me and my nails were scrambling for purchase along his back, my vision going white.)

That night, there were no painful confessions or taunting insecurities. There were just the two of us, blissfully entwined together, and the deepest of dreamless sleeps. Somewhere in the middle of falling out and falling back together, we had found our new rhythm.

.fin.

[sil3ntfr34k]

Postal 4 boyfriend Headcanons

(Guess who found about how to do a buillted list insides of manually putting dots :D)

Mans is probably in his early 40’s and feeling every second of it.

He’s not much a romantic, but he knows how to love. Like he knows he’s supposed to give you gifts, listen to you rant, support you in anything, hug you, give affection and words of encouragement, the whole sha-bang. Is he good at it tho? Kinda,,,

You probably met him during his ‘job hunting’, when he was running around this a sign that said something along the lines of “Willing to do something strange for a bit of change”. Caught your attention IMMEDIATELY

You thought he wasn’t too bad looking, something of a roughed up silver fox. He was pretty toned for someone his age, forearms are pretty big and that’s just what you needed. You ended up taking him up on his offer and made him clean out your gutters. You just sat there and watched as he worked himself throwing out heaps of wet leaves and random junk from your gutters.

He came out obvious dirty so you gifted him $40 and a shower. It’s like heavens light shined upon him when he heard the words “You can take a shower here if you’d like?” fall from your mouth was enough for him to marry you in that moment.

Postal Dude has been raw dogging it homeless style for a couple months up to this point, so any kind of reward he came across was a fortune to him. Gladly accepting this kind gesture, he was still thrown out for the rest of the day. You both came upon an agreement that he could stay the nights on your couch, but he still had to go ‘job hunting’ during the days. Didn’t matter to him, he still accepted it. As long as he had a safe place to sleep with Champ.

Side note, you loathe Champ being around during the day since he digs holes everywhere in your front AND back yard, so you make Dude take Champ with him everyday. Dude doesn't mind since Champ is kinda like an attack dog so homie very useful when Dude's walking around

Once your relationship with Dude has reached it's peak (dating), he becomes very attentive and energetic. Where he was once tired and reclused, he's now got some energy in him and filled with affection

Dude loves to be around you and touching you. Biggest love languages are quality time and physical touch, sometimes words of affirmation if he's feeling extra sappy. He's probably been through the works of brutal relationships, so he really wants to settle down, which leads me to my next thought

Mans is getting old and creaky. Sure he's still got muscle and all, but they're honestly just for show. He couldn't hold back Champ from attacking someone he isn't supposed to even if his life depended on it. So, he's staring to wear down and just wants to find someone to relax with.

Red flag time, he's talking about marriage about 2 months into the relationship and tries to move his scrap in without you noticing, which usually fails. It's not that he's using you for your home, Dude just wants to feel like he's finally in a normal relationship. No bitchy attitudes being thrown around, no constant nagging for something stupid, no arguing over small things, no constant threats, just y’all being in love together

Eventually your gonna have to let Champ wonder the house and train him to be a guard dog rather than just an attack dog. You’re definitely the one to look up dog training classes and making Dude go with you to these said classes.

Even with how much he loves to be around you, there are still times when his mental and physical illnesses make him ill 😔 but he still tries to snap out of it

His main problems are most likely his chronic muscle pains and his auditory schizophrenia. (I think all the dudes are some sort of schizo, it’s just that p1 and p2 are the strongest showing ones)

Being older means his body is slowly deteriorating. Sure he’s not that old, but with how he lived in his golden age, he should really be dead. Constantly on the run from the government, having to stay sharp to kill, and fucking his way through Paradise and Edensin, he’s ready to just lay down and let the earth reclaim him

Having a long history of schizophrenia in the family and his own lifetime, it’s thankfully dwindled down to just hearing voices randomly. Since he can only hear these voices it doesn’t scare him as bad as it used to. All he can really hear is a distant conversation that he can’t make out the words to, it’s sort of like a mumbling between a woman and a man. Many times you’ve found him franticly wondering the house with a confused look on his face saying “I thought there was people in here?”

Overall, he’s an old man who’s been through enough and would just like to relax. Give him kisses, give him cuddles, feed him, and talk to him, and he’ll love you for eternity (so gay)

[sil3ntfr34k]

orr p1/p4 as platonic comforting thing…

Platonic!P1 Dude and P4 Dude Comforting Headcanons

(Also matching gifs this is so cool)

Postal 1 Dude

He’s actually the worst person to comfort you. WILL make it worse

Even if your anxious about just going to the grocery store because you don’t feel like socializing, he’s trying to convince you that something bad is going to happen and now you can never go to store at all

“I don’t feel like going…” “Whatdayamean?? Why don’t you want to go? You always wanna go somewhere, what if something is going to happen? It’s waiting for its moment to strike you, to take you from this world. No! You can’t go anymore! Just stay here, it’s safest here than being out there with those… vermin.”

Somehow, he’s spiraling before you,,, He doesn’t even know what the hell is going on, yet he’s in the corner facing the wall and hugging his knees

If it’s really bad, like your having a trauma response kind of bad, he’s making it worse. You could be hyperventilating on the floor, shaking and all, and he will be there crying over your body like your actually dying

Sometimes it feels like he makes it about himself, but it’s just that his anxiety is that bad

Postal 4 Dude

“What the hell is wrong with you🤨⁉️”

Has no idea what’s going on, ever

Has a mini heart attack when he sees you upset and immediately bombards you with questions. “What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you upset? Was it that asshat down the street? Because he was fucking with me yesterday too. I’ll kill him for you I swea-“

You gotta hit him with something soft to shut him up bc he will yap until you forget what the hell you were upset about

If it’s something like a trauma response or panic attack, Dude tries his best to be there but also be at a distance. He read one somewhere that it’s best to give someone who’s having an attack space and to just ‘watch’ over them. It still kills him inside to see you like that, but he knows he can’t do much to help

If he can, Dude will make Champ go sit with you. He’s seen service dogs do that before so in his head it’s a good idea. Until Champ is trying to play with you and is trying to knock you over,,,

Cue Dude dragging Champ back again by the collar, poor guy,,,

Afterwards, he will most definitely try to pry what’s wrong out of you, even if it’s something personal. It’s not that he’s trying to butt into your personal life or make you uncomfortable, he’s just concerned (and curious. What the hell could’ve made you act out like that???)

Overall, he’s okay to go to for comfort, but definitely not the one you should be going to for that. Unless you wanna get incredibly high or drunk (or both) afterwards as a compensation

[sil3ntfr34k]

***Minors dni this Adult™️ stuff***

Postal Dude 2 NSFW Headcanons

Postal Dude is very experienced with sex. Having traveled basically everywhere and living all kinds of life’s, he’s fucked all kinds of people

Definitely had gay sex at some point, just to try. He’s been both top and bottom,,,

Dude’s dick is probably a little above average and he most definitely lets this get to his head.

When soft he’s like 3 inches, and it looks kinda cute (don’t tell him that), but when he’s hard he can grow up to 6 1/2 inches. Fully believes he could be a pornstar with that

His dick is about 2 shades darker than his body but at least it’s pretty! It stands up tall and has a good shape, veins popping out slightly when he’s about to cum

He can last pretty long before he cums, a strong 20 minutes💪 also his cum is yellow. Nothings wrong with him or anything, it’s just yellow for some reason.

Sadly, he is not a cum fountain… He could fill up about half a shot glass, but that’s it :((

Dude’s current mood entirely depends on how you will be fucked. He’s angry? You’re not walking tomorrow. He’s sleepy? He’s actually gentle! He’s high? It’s about to get reaallll passionate in here.

The first time you guys had sex he had to constantly remind you to relax. “Listen babe, you gotta relax down here if you don’t want it to hurt.” all while he uses his fingers to get you used to the feeling

For pussy havers, he likes to slide his fingers up and down your vagina, playing with your clit a little to get you nice and wet

For dick havers, he focuses mainly on your tip, dragging his fingers over the slit and jerking it ever so slightly before dipping down and fingering your hole

For both, he will be sucking on your nipples. Has an oral fixation and enjoys having anything in his mouth, pussy or dick, as long as he can lick and suck it.

Dude’s thrusts are pretty hard and consistent at least, almost fully taking out his dick before slamming it back in. Probably likes to hear the wet sound and slapping, makes him feel like he’s doing a good job

Makes little noise other than the occasional grunt and groan. Born to cry during sex, forced to shut the fuck up; unless you tell him you like his noises. He will be all up in your ear sounding like that turtle (you know which one)

I’ll add more if I can think of any :p

[sil3ntfr34k]

ReaderxP3 if you write for him? Sfw or nsfw, both rule.

(I’m gonna assume that the last person also wanted me to change this one into p4 too soooo-)

(Also I had this planned eventually so this just reminded me ehehe)

‼️Minors DNI it’s Adult™️ time‼️

Postal 4 Dude NSFW headcanons

He’s old and sloppy you can’t change this. He’s been wearing the same old outfit for months straight, don’t expect TOO much from him

Luckily for his showcase ‘muscles’, he looks pretty good when he’s naked. Toned body with an ever so slight beer belly, but it somehow adds to his whole aesthetic

I imagine his dick is pretty average. About 5 inches when he’s hard, 3 when he’s soft and an average amount of girth. His balls are pretty big tho so at least he’s got that goin for him

Pretty good prep tbh. For fem aligned folk he’s kinda gentle and soft, letting his hands slowly run up and down your body before he keeps one behind your head to make his kiss more passionate

While for more masc aligned folk he’s a bit more rough, probably pulling you in with hard hands on your hips and pulling your hair back to get a better look at your face. Being around more manly people makes him feel manlier too, so he’s thinks he’s gotta act tough and all

Loves passionate sex. The heavy breathing, the grunting, the slaps of skin, the sweet dirty talk, he LIVES for it. If you keep kissing him during sex, he’ll cum gallons

Probably hates to pull out. Dude so desperately wants to feel you around him like this all the time, so much so he throws a little hissy fit when you make him pull out. Dude isn’t very smart when it comes to his own greater good, so for all you womb havers, you better make sure to pull him out yourself before he cums

Dude has an oral fixation as well (most dudes do). All you have to do is take off your panties/boxers and spread your legs for him to instantly dive between them and start licking/sucking. He doesn’t like to swallow tho, can’t stand the taste of cum smh

His favorite position is probably the mating press. There’s nothing Dude loves more than plowing into you as hard as he can so he can hear you moan. Not only does he get to fuck you mercilessly in this position, he also gets to see your face the entire time. (Yes he does try to make you cry sometimes)

Please wake Dude up with a blowjob, he will do anything for you for the rest of the day. Blowjobs in general are easily one of Dudes favorite jobs to have. Definitely jokes about it too. “Dude, I’m hungryyyyy what do we have to eat?” “You can eat my dic-“

Enjoys light BDSM. Spanking, slapping, and light bondage gets him goin good. Also blindfolds, adds to the excitement

Makes a lot of noise, on purpose. Dude knows you like his noises, at least he’s convinced himself you do, so he will not stop the constant groaning and grunting.

The way he lets you know he’s horny is by being extra loving. Hugs you from behind, kisses your neck, has his hands placed firmly on your hips and is slightly grinding into your ass, grunting

(That’s all I can think of rn idk I’m tired and outside pls give me my blanket)

[sil3ntfr34k]

I cannot sleep and having postal brain rot 🫶

Postal 1 Dude Boyfriend Headcanons

• Homie has been living alone with his borderline psychopathic thoughts since he was about 19, absolutely 0 social skills. But he kinda likes it like that, although it’s not good for him, but when has anyone ever liked what’s good for them???

• It was a miracle that you ever saw him to begin with. This man hasn’t left his run down home in 3 weeks and you just so happened to catch him at the grocery store buying ‘supplies’ as he calls it. You had helped him find a certain canned item (he doesn’t eat a lot so he needs something that will last for a while) and also helped him at the check out.

• Romantic love is a very foreign concept to him. As someone who doesn’t feel a lot of emotions other than fear and confusion, anything that makes him happy is something he so desperately wants to keep around. So meeting you was like a breath of relief

• It’s very hard for him to understand what he’s feeling, the constant mood swings don’t help either. One minute he’s spiraling downward, but when he thinks of you, he’s suddenly overwhelmed with this warm comforting feeling. For a while he’s convinced you must’ve put a spell on him, before you finally visit his house

• Champ, his baby boy, immediately takes a liking to you, his strong tail hitting against and knocking things over around him as he approaches you to give you sloppy kisses. Since Champ is sort of like a emotional support dog, Dude trust his judgement which ultimately leads him to be more comfortable around you

• It takes a longgggg time before Dude even thinks about getting into a relationship with you. He’s never felt this way about someone and it terrifies him. Being anti social and all makes him very skittish, so you’ll have to ease him into such a intimate relationship

• As the relationship progresses, you really start to see why no one ever talks to him. He’s weird. Like, he has a concerningly large dead animal collect, even feeding them to Champ if his food gets too low and Dude is too paranoid to leave the house. Dude also has a large weapons collection with some military grade stuff. Not to mention his expansive knowledge of the human body after death and the various ways to skin various animals (and humans, but he hasn’t told you that yet)

• Since this whole relationship thing is new to Dude, he has no idea what to do or how to do it. He never plans dates, doesn’t give you any big gifts, and hardly ever says “I love you”. Although he does love to have you around and hold you when he’s comfortable enough with it.

• The amount of illness this guy has baffles you. It’s like he’s nothing but a sick mind and weak mindset. Good luck trying to give him any sort of medication, he will run away and lock himself in the bathroom with Champ. Fully believes that any sort of pill will make ‘corrupt’ him, especially if it’s from a pharmacy.

• Having to deal with this guy during any sort of episode is EXHAUSTING. Yes you love him, but everyone has their limits. His schizophrenic episodes are the worst of them. They usually force him into a paranoid and clouded state, his mood becoming fragile and his actions more aggressive. Usually during these episodes he believes that there are people out to hurt him, to kill him, so he has to kill them first. It’s a doozy and a half trying to stabilize Dude, desperately trying to tell him he’s safe in a his home and getting Champ to sit with him.

• It’s very hard to get Dude outside of his house. His paranoia always gets the best of him and drives him right back inside the familiarity of his run down walls. Wanna go for a walk around the city to bond with him more? Good luck with that. Wanna go grocery shopping with him because he’s been living off the same can of peas for 3 days now? He’d rather starve. Wanna go shopping for his wardrobe? He has enough clothes. Although you could probably lure him out with the promise of bone hunting with him in the local forest area.

• There aren’t many dates with Dude. The entire relationship is mainly just you two relaxing on his couch watching tv. Of course y’all still do ‘fun’ things like playing board games and helping him clean up around his house, but it’s mostly just sitting in peace with him. It may not seem like a lot to you, but to him it’s the most calm and relaxed he’s been in years

• Dude doesn’t give many gifts, but he likes to give you little wooden figures he’s made. Living alone for years and having nothing but free time really gives you the ability to learn a new skill. He took up widdling and wood carving as a hobby to make hard chew toys for Champ since those rubber bones never lasted and the real bones were too expensive. Dude will give you little shiny rocks he found around the house too. He’s kinda like a crow, shiny attractive

• Trying to cuddle or hug Dude is a task. Due to his childhood, he thinks anytime someone is going to touch him it’s gonna hurt. You’re gonna have to ask him, and then slowly reach out for him. Any sudden movements will make him nervous

• Despite all these bad traits, he’s rather clingy and possessive of you. Sure he doesn’t want you to touch him a lot, but he still wants you around. Just having you in his house is like having his own personal angel. Anytime you want to leave he gets incredibly sad and starts to make up excuses of why you can’t leave. “The evil ones, they’ll hurt you if you step foot out there! Stay here with me, where it’s safe.“

ok that’s all I can think of I sleep now

[sil3ntfr34k]

You said something about how heated the argument get with postal 2 dude like I just want to know how would he react if partner hold grudges on him and if it not to much to ask can I know more his flaws

(Guess who got jealous and came back ahahah…)

Postal 2 Dude and his flaws

During an heated argument he is screaming and throwing shit at you. His mind gets so clouded with anger he doesn’t even realize he could kill you if what he threw made contact with your head

If your still with him after an argument like that, he could sort of understand why’d you hold a grudge against him, but he will still think it’s petty, simply because your mad at him and not the other way around.

If you've annoyed him or upset him enough, he'll pull a gun on either you or himself. It's just a scare tactic to get you to shut up and leave him alone, but you know how upset he gets and how trigger happy he can be. It's hard to not freeze up and just do what he wants

Definitely has double sided love…

Also, he’s a cheater!! He’s good at hiding it to. Unless you’re following him around all day, then you’d basically never know. You’re his favorite, but he’s not gonna let you stop him from trying to fuck that sexy minx he saw walking down the street earlier.

For my ladies, he expects you to be basically a traditional picture perfect wife with a few exceptions. He can handle some tude' and all, but fully expects you to submit to him once he 'puts his foot down' or whatever he think's he's doing. If you don't, there's a chance he might slap you

He TRIES to not be physically abusive, just for the sake of respect for each other, but he has not yet learned to control his rage. When you bother him and won't stop poking or teasing at him, all he can think of is how quiet the trailer would be when you're passed out with a black eye and a bloody mouth.

Raises his hand to slap you but stops at the last second...

ALSOOO for the guys, he's a lot more rough with you. Not hitting or anything, but he'll actually shove you off him and scream at you to go away. Doesn't see you as dainty and fragile, so its okay to be a complete dickhead!!

nsfw mention under cut)

Hardly ever takes you on dates or shows affection. You'd be lucky to get him to cuddle with you for more than 5 minutes. Yet as soon as he gets horny, you better give out or else he's ignoring you until tomorrow

[sil3ntfr34k]

Postal Dude really be taking over my brain someone save me

Smoking with Postal Dude Headcanons

• You probably don’t smoke crack like he does, but you dabble (or are heavily into) marijuana!

• It’s definitely not as strong as crack like Dude is used to, but you bet ur ass he’s smoking that joint with you

• Where as you can smoke maybe 2, MAYBE 3, joints in a single session, Postal Dude is slamming 4 and then smoking 2 more just to feel something

• He probably doesn’t like to pass it around, prefers his own. ‘OhHhH bUt WhAt AbOuT tHe CoSt Of WeEd’, relax, Dude just killed the local dealers in town and has their whole stash that should last at LEAST a month with the way all smoke

• Sessions with Dude are actually pretty chill if you aren’t a paranoid high. He likes to talk a lot when he’s high, so be prepared to know a lot about his favorite weapon and how he started to get into killing people

• If you ever want to know something about Dude without him deflecting, get him high. This man will shoot off at the mouth and answer whatever you ask with no hesitation.

• Cue Postal Dude whippin out that snuff movie with the quickness of a pistol shrimp and slappin it in the dvd slot of the tv. He used to watch this kinda stuff along with gore religiously growing up, so it’s sort of like a comfort for him. He probably gets annoyed if you want to watch something else, most definitely called you a ‘sissy lala wuss puss bitch’. He’s very colorful with his curses,,,

• Even with how much he smokes, he knows how much he can take to NOT get paranoid. Last time Dude got paranoid while high, there was a genocide at the police station. If he ever does get paranoid while high with you, you gotta not freak the fuck out with him and try to get you BOTH in bed to nap it off

• Munchies be hittin him hard. (Actually thinking about it now, he probably has to smoke to eat or else he won’t be hungry all day) It’s very easy to convince him to run out to the local Chinese place for some orange chicken and shrimp fried rice. Best part is is that he will go alone if you don’t wanna leave. His wife (or ex wife depending on what u want) made him run errands alone all the time so he really doesn’t mind

• Absolutely FUCKS UP that entire styrofoam box. Like the whole thing is ripped around and the fork is somehow stabbed through the top, bits of rice scattered around the crime scene.

• If he’s still hungry he will not hesitate to go back again, just tell him if you want some more too and he’ll ride off into the sunset for that delicious Chinese food

• Sleepy after he comes back down. He drags himself to the bed and just knocks tf out. Easily stays down for like 5 hours straight and wakes up forgetting what planet he’s on

[sil3ntfr34k]

Giving P2 a bath headcanons bc it’s fucking funny

P.S. The moment he tries to bite me I’m strangling his mangy ass (for legal purposes this is a joke)

(Y’all would be fist fighting then, good luck with that)

Giving Postal 2 Dude a bath

Doesn’t happen.

Idk what ur expecting tbh

He’s a grown ass man with a job and mental illness. In what world does he need help with something as simple as a bath?

Even if you tried, he’d just shove you out of the bathroom and slam the door because he hates being helped in general

The ONLY time I could see Dude letting you take him a bath is when he’s extremely drunk/high/crossfaded. But even then he’s still going to be stubborn about it and make it hard for you

Yea idk. He’s an adult and he’s able to function by himself

(SORRY IF THAT SEEMED A LITTLE RUDE I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THAT WOULD BE A SCENARIO😭)

[sil3ntfr34k]

Hello! I’m very curious what would p1 dude be like with an s/o who’s proven to provide some backbone structure in his life. Basically, a compassionate stable partner (who has a dark streak in them because let’s be honest here, some abrasion is required to handle any Postal Dude variation)

(FINALLY SOME P1 BRAIN ROT)

Postal 1 Dude x Stable!Reader

It was a mission and a half to even get to KNOW P1 Dude, so it was a miracle you even knew him, and probably god's will when he agrees to hang out with you

It was surprising that you and Dude actually had a lot in common! He thought you looked so common and ‘normal’, he wouldn’t never guessed you were into twisted things like he was.

It had started with y’all’s shared love for weapons. Dude has a whole artillery of various weapons while you only had small knives and maybe a hand gun or two, but y’all were still able to bond over it!

Sometimes it really feels like you're more of a health care worker than a partner, but all that flies out your mind when you see him so content with a small smile and not freaking the fuck out with a shotgun in his hands

Mentally ill x mentally ill is shockingly not a good mix. Yall of course have bad days, but those days that both of yall are in a bad head space, its a BAD day. Screaming at each other, ignoring each other when the argument gets rlly heated, one of yall will even leave the house and hang out somewhere else just to blow off steam

(Then one will seek out the other to a make-up bc at the end of the day, yall are probably the best match for each other.)

Dealing with Dude during a breakdown is a task and a half, having to tiptoe around him and discreetly hide all the weapons he has while praying to any real god that the shotgun he already has in his hands isn’t loaded. Dude is very trigger happy so trying to take his shotgun away is like taking a baby from its mother. Doesn’t end well.

Distractions ALMOST work, but he’ll always remember why he was freaking out. As the more stable partner, it’s your job to keep distracting him with shiny things and Champ! You could probably get Dude to play with Champ a little by making him play tug of war for a while, and God knows Champ needs some playtime from Dude too.

Outside of breakdowns and Dude’s paranoia, you two get along great. You often try to get Dude out of the house by taking walks in the near by forests with Champ or to a movie in the town. That last one doesn’t really work but at least you try.

Over time he’s developed an attachment to you, something that he feels he can’t live without. Everyone else is infected and out to get him, but not you. You’ve always been kind and understanding to him, that must mean your some sort of god right? (Might be a little out of character but he probably has a tiny shrine dedicated to you hidden somewhere in his house)

Not a very touchy person and is scared of almost all physical contact, but he still lets you hold his hand sometimes and MAYBE a quick kiss on the cheek, but you have to be really sparing with those or else he’d get nervous, and not in the good way.

Overall, y’all send like a good fit for each other. There’s always gonna be rough times, but what relationship doesn’t have those? Just make sure you sneak his meds in his breakfast that you have to force him to eat and you’ll be good!