#polyamblues

[rrelationshipadvice]

I've been thinking about breaking up with my boyftiends for aboit a year. Context.

In 2010 I started dating my first boyfriend. In 2017 I was still with him, but started to get a crush on another guy. I get crushes on people semi regularly, and this was known to my boyfriend. They're usually short lived and I don't act on them.

My boyfriend told me to go for it if I wanted to. He was OK with me being polyamorous. There was a bit of back and forth for him to figure out whether he was comfortable. I had a pretty strong crush and I get a bit loopy when I'm in that headspace. My focus is narrow. I have adhd and my first boyfriend is autistic.

So I am dating the two of them.

Every so often I ask bf1 if he's happy and comfortable. If he wants me to break up with bf2. He says no, even though sometimes he feels jealous. I do my best to make sure he feels loved, but it starts feeling like a chore when he gets more controlling.

In 2022 we break up because he admits that he's never been OK with me being polyamorous, and he assumed he would be eventually. I know I wouldn't be happy just dating him so it's over either way. Bf2 has been patient and supportive, and he'd never speak badly of bf1.

In the weeks before the break up, I knew it was coming while I spent some time away to volunteer for a festival. I wanted to work really hard while I was there to just forget about everything. Make some new friends and clear my head with some hard labour. I ended up meeting someone I really liked and we started chatting.

A month after my breakup I start dating him too. But as usual, I was in Big Crush territory and might have jumped into something new too quickly.

It's been more than a year since all that happened, and I'm still with bf 2 and bf3. I have not seen or heard from bf1 and I don't regret the break up, but I still think about it a lot. I want to break up with bf2 and bf3 about half the time. I just got a full time job, and I love being alone and I have lots of hobbies I enjoy. But my boyfriends mostly seem to want to do nothing. (they've met once and are aware of each other, but we don't hang out all together) They both have issues with anxiety and depression, which makes them low energy and not want to do anything. I can't help feeling like I'm sometimes wasting my time when I'm with them. I don't have sex with bf2 any more because I don't find him as physically attractive as I used to.

I'm pretty sure I'm an awful person and I shouldn't get anyone involved with me if I can help it. But breaking up with them is going to hurt them a lot. I know a breakup is inevitable, because everything ends. I'm not the marrying type so I already know that's not in the cards for either of them if they stay with me. They've both said they're not sure if they want to be parents and I definitely don't.

I still enjoy spending time with them, most of the time. They're kind and they understand me. We have a lot in common and we watch TV shows and movies I like. When do other people generally break up with their partner? When they know it's not going to lead to marriage? When things are completely awful and unsalvageable?

(could you please tag this with #polyamblues so I can find it easily. Thank you)

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