#poły!rowaelin x reader

[throneofsapphics]

Manorian or rowaelin whichever couple you want x reader

Reader ghosts everyone because she’s depressed and doesn’t know how to communicate with her loved ones about it 🫠

a despair so dark light will not reach

Rowaelin x f!Reader

Summary: Rowan and Aelin notice you slipping away from them, and struggle to figuring out how to bring you back

Warnings: depression, negative self talk

Word Count: 1306

A/N: thank you for the request!

“I’m fine,” you insisted, turning back to your book. It was interesting, it was different, it wasn’t this, it wasn’t reality. In between these pages, you could escape to another universe where your problems and realities didn’t exist. 

Aelin sighed, she’d been attempting to get you to talk about what ‘was happening.’ There was nothing. It was nothing. You are nothing, a voice, eerily like your own, said in the back of your mind. 

That’s the truth of the matter, wasn’t it? You didn’t matter. Nothing fucking did. How would you explain that to the two people who love you more than anything else in the world? How the weight on your chest felt so heavy you couldn’t breathe but at the same time you existed in a state of nothingness where not even the brightest light could reach? You’d battled it since childhood, and although you hadn’t lost yet, there was still so much you missed every day. It doesn’t matter, you reminded yourself, I don’t care. 

“Please,” Aelin caught your attention with a gentle hand on your knee. Eyes blinking back into focus, she was ... Aelin was pleading on her knees with you, her hands squeezing each of your knees. “Tell me where you go when you do that. Let me in.” 

When you do what? Space out, you supposed. Pressing your lips tightly together, you debated. The hope in Aelin’s eyes at your pause broke part of you. You couldn’t do it to someone you loved, couldn’t let them in and get a taste of that all consuming despair that threatened to invade and poison all of your surroundings. Just on your own, you felt like the last block of a crumbling barricade against the rushing tide. Eventually, it would overflow but for now you’d do your best to hold it back. 

“Let us in,” Rowan knelt behind her, his own arm reaching over to brush against your shoulder. “Please,” he repeated her word. 

You turned your head away, “I said it’s nothing,” the phrasing had a tad more bite than you intended. They didn’t deserve to be saddled with your inconsequential issues, no matter how much they asked for it. You could handle it on your own, you’d been handling it for years. 

Are you really, thought? The voice said. 

“Then come to breakfast with us. I’ll make sure your favorites are there,” Aelin tried, her voice shaking slightly. You thought you heard her tears. You didn’t look. Couldn’t look. 

“Alright,” you whispered, a soft agreement, knowing you had to give them something or they wouldn’t leave you to your own devices. 

“Alright,” Aelin breathed as if it was a sacred vow, and you hated the relief in her voice. 

It started with the small things. It always did. One missed dinner, nobody remarked on it. Two missed dinners, nobody batted an eye. Three, inquiries about your absence. Four, someone went to look for you. 

Aelin found you sleeping, decided not to disturb you, and made excuses for your absence, that you were ill, not feeling well, overworked. 

It went on like this for months, them making excuses for why you never showed up to meals anymore. 

You never needed an excuse for work, no you were high functioning, and always took care to show up to any mandatory obligations that could have negative professional consequences. 

You thought you had it under control. Really, you were spiraling so far down into a dark place it would take the hottest sun to drag you out of it.

The next morning, you couldn’t get off the couch. They didn’t ‘wake’ you - you were a master at faking sleep - when they snuck past to go to training, maybe they should have. That invisible weight pushed you back two inches for each inch you moved forward, and eventually you gave up. When they came to get you, you feigned sleep. 

It was impossible to hide your insomnia from them, and you knew they wouldn’t interrupt what precious sleep you could get. Often they’d wake to find you asleep in strange places throughout the room, despite starting out in the bed with them. 

That afternoon, Rowan brought a healer. 

“Just figure out what’s wrong,” he said.

‘Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.’ the word echoed like a horrible melody in your mind. 

The healer took your vitals, asked how often you ate, exercised, went outside, how your mood was, if you felt depressed, and a thousand other questions you answered in a monotone voice. 

Maybe you should’ve been honest, but you didn’t want to worry anyone unnecessarily and with Rowan hovering in the corner, you felt you couldn’t really tell them. 

“Your Highness, could you please step out of the room?” The healer asked pleasantly, patting you on the knee. She was older, you could tell even with the Fae’s gift of eternal youth. Slight lines showed in her forehead and around the corners of her eyes. Signs of a happy life. 

Rowan, begrudgingly, left after you mouthed it was fine. 

“Now dearie,” for some reason her voice was soothing rather than irritating, usually you didn’t like names like that, “you can answer my questions honestly. Anything you say won’t go back to them, it’ll stay right between us and we’ll figure it out together.” 

You looked at her, really looked at her and studied her expression. Unwavering. She didn’t flinch at your unabashed stare, didn’t turn away, didn’t so much as twitch. Like she’d been doing this and dealing with these types of situations for centuries. It gave you some hope. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

“Here’s a start, perhaps there’s nothing wrong with you, just different,” her eyes lightened slightly. Perhaps she felt the weight of an order from her King. Or she genuinely wanted to help you. You didn’t know which thought was you and which was the darkness living inside of you. 

The conversation felt like a steady push and pull, a battle of wills between you and the healer. At the end, the two of you came up with a plan. One small change. Get outside at least once a day, no matter the time of day or if it was just strolling onto your balcony. 

The healer, Elka, was trained as a mind healer too. You felt slightly tricked when she revealed that at the end. 

The people who loved you most thought you were insane. But you supposed the normal healers hadn’t turned up anything and you couldn’t blame them for trying, it was something you would do after all. 

Despite your high hopes after the first session, progress was slow and you felt yourself almost worsening. 

You learned how to portray to the world that you felt alright, but in private ...

The last thing you wanted was to wake them, especially when they had busy and important things to do in the morning. In other words, the last thing you wanted was to burden them. You made your way to the old rooms you used back when you first moved into the castle, and shook the dust off one of the pillows. 

Sliding under the soft slightly stagnant comforter, you curled on your side and hugged your knees to your chest. 

For the first time in months, the true weight of your self-imposed isolation crashed down on you and you tasted the salt of a tear hitting your upper lip. 

You were woken before six in the morning to a slightly angry Fae storming into your room. 

“This is where I draw the line,” he pulled back the comforter and shifted you into his arms, bridal style. “You can sleep in our fucking bathtub if you can fall asleep there,” he pressed a surprisingly gentle kiss to your forehead, “but I’ll be damned if you sleep in another room again.” 

-

general taglist: @rowaelinsdaughter @bookishbroadwaybish @nestaismommy @erencvlt @panther-girl-124

throne of glass taglist: @i-am-a-lost-girl16

[throneofsapphics]

Is it okay if I lean on you with poly Rowaelin please (:

“Is it okay if I lean on you?” You said, voice quieter than usual because you weren’t sure if it would be, or if you’d be crossing some kind of line or boundary. But … so many lines and boundaries had been crossed between the three of you in the last week that it hardly seemed consequential. 

“Of course,” Aelin snorted and wrapped her arm around your shoulders, tugging you firmly against her, your head resting on her shoulder. You could’ve sworn you felt her heartbeat from there, strong and steady. Maybe she was the type whose heart just beat louder when - 

You cut off your line of thinking, now you were projecting and that was a slippery slope you didn’t need to go down. Why would Aelin feel any kind of nerves around you?

You caught Rowan with an almost-smile, borderline indulgent look on his face across the way. When he caught you looking, the male only raised a brow before returning back to his reports.