#plus spending a week at my inlaws

[macaronitoutgarni]

Sent an email to my advisor that's basically "Hi, life sucked in august so I'm not done with my work", wish me luck

[fadingcoast]

Skip this post.

Yeah, I blame this one on the date.

Today, jan 6th, is my birthday.

Now, I’ll start by saying that I don’t have a really good “relationship” with my birthday. In the southern hemisphere it’s summer and everyone is on holiday, plus is so close to Christmas and NY that most people just don’t feel like celebrating. Most of my family always got away with making just one present for both dates (even my own parents), and my bday parties weren't something I enjoyed. My friends were all on holiday and the guests were family I didn’t exactly get along with.

Plus, there’s always my mom forcing me to interact with people. Being an introvert I much rather spend my bday reading in my room. (my Grandma always bought me books or comics), but no, I was dragged from my room to “tend” to people and eat cake (which I NEVER liked, I don’t eat sweets, and my mom to this day asks me what kind of cake I want).

Anyway, my birthday was never “mine” to enjoy. I never enjoyed it, it was a dreadful day full of people I didn’t wanna spend time with and no presents, cause the christmas present was enough.

When I grew older, depression kicked in. My birthday was even more dreadful and horrible. A reminder of a day I wish never happened, and honestly, I never felt like my bday never was anything to be happy about.

It took years for me to come to terms with my birthday.

And it happened once I realized that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. 

I could tell my mom: no, I won’t be home, please don’t come visit.

I could turn my phone off, I could go away for the weekend, I could spend the afternoon drinking alone, I could go out with my friends… Basically I took the day as an excuse to do something.

And still people manage to ruin it for me.

One year it was a group of friends insisting I should do something when I wasn’t in the mood.

Another year was another group of friends who left me hanging with leaving for the weekend.

Last year it was my dad, who pretended he didn’t have time to come have lunch with me, despite my sister letting him know we were going out one week in advance. (seriously, he sent me a text saying no one told him about the lunch date, and I was like I HAVE A SCREENCAP OF MY SISTER TELLING YOU!!!)

This year, I purposefully made plans with my friends. I’ve been having a really bad time and 2018 was awful. (I actually spent New Year night alone drinking beer). I wanted to start with something that made me happy.

So, my dad invited me for lunch yesterday and I had lunch with some friends today.

Another group of friends got together last week to celebrate a surprise birthday and I asked when were we going to the karaoke (it’s been a while and we used to go a lot). One of them said, let’s go on saturday and we celebrate your bday that night. They all agreed.

Friday afternoon, on the WhatsApp group chat, one asked if we were going to do anything on saturday. One of them said she forgot and now she had to go visit her inlaws, another one said she was going to the beach with the bf. The one who asked said: “Oh, too bad.” and the last one suggested we go next week, to which no one answered. I just blocked the notifications and haven’t read anything on it since (despite getting some mentions on it today).

Last sunday we celebrated a surprise bday. One of them took the time to arrange us going to the bday girl’s house without her realizing, we took lunch and beers and presents with us. Me? Nothing, nothing at all… not even the effort to say or do something. The excuse? That I don’t like celebrating, so what’s the point?

Part of me wanted to say something, but at the same time I am too old and tired for that shit. I’ve been made very aware that some friends are more important than others there (and that goes beyond what happened yesterday). I shut out a LOT when this happens, so that’s what I did last night. Blocked my Facebook wall, logged out of WhatsApp and went to sleep.

Today, I went out for lunch with another group of friends. We went to Johnny Rockets and they obviously told the staff it was my bday, so I got a song and free ice cream. Many other friends sent messages, despite having my FB off. Others gifted me not only their well wishes, but their words, and wrote meaningful things for me.

And I realized that I was dwelling on the expectations I have on only one group of friends, and ignoring everyone else. I actually enjoyed my day despite what happened.

I guess what I’m saying is: I shouldn’t have boycotted my day over a few disinterested people. Cause no matter how passive-aggressive I get, they won’t be the ones suffering or wondering. They will keep going on with their lives, blissfully ignorant.

Anyway. It’s my birthday. I had a great lunch yesterday and a great afternoon today. I got gifts in the form of fanfiction and ice cream and I have the day off tomorrow.

I’m having a beer and gonna watch the golden globes tonight.

It could be worse.

Happy 35th to me :D

[rogerk471]

Notes from Lecture 2/26/20

Interactive Lab: Part II

For Part II I decided to take on the role of Hardik Rao, a post doc.

Hardik had been in the states for a while at the time this story picks up.  He came as an undergrad and was now four years into being a post doc.

His PI shows favoritism towards one of Hardik’s peers.

As the two were reviewing some of the results of a recent test, he received unclear instruction as to how to proceed.

I chose to ask for clarification directly.  No need to leave anything that important to chance.

Apparently asking for clarification was the appropriate thing to do.  Some inexperienced post docs might feel pressure to tell their bosses whatever they want to hear.  The best thing to do is to be clear.

On top of the pressures at work, Hardik is also having pressures at home.  Perhaps the biggest struggle he has going on in his life is trying to balance two things that are extremely demanding on their own.

When it came between going home with his wife or going to the lab, I made the decision to go to the lab.  The wife needs to understand the sacrifices here matter.  (Plus I would never have the stones to do this in real life.  So I wanted to see what it would be like)

After the news of additional training came in, I decided to spend the hour doing the training.  It takes dedication and focus to be the best.  (Plus I would never be able to do this in real life.)

The training proves to have been the right choice.  That hour he spent being semi-bored listening to stuff he has heard 1000x had an impact on him.  He decided to spend a good amount of time organizing his notes and converting them to digital.  His work area is cleaner and his experiment looks much more professional now.

In the weeks following my amazing decisions, Hardik was experiencing some problems with his experiments.  They were not showing positive results, and he was starting to make careless mistakes.

That is when his friend invited him to take a break and enjoy some food.  I decided against it.  Despite the clear signs that I am overworking myself, I want to see what happens when someone commits solely to one task.  Are the results worth it?

Taking a break is definitely the choice I should have made.  It’s funny, when the situation came up I was thinking about how in real life I would take that break to let my mind relax and then try to get a new perspective.  I guess that one is kind of intuitive.

The wife calls and talks about her parents.  I am faced with the decision of either doing my experiment properly and being late to dinner, scrapping the experiment and restarting it tomorrow, lying about the experiment by fudging the data.  I chose to do things the right way.  Hardik is a man of principle!  Sorry, inlaws, but work comes before you!

WHOA, by some miracle that option really worked out.  The wife completely understood and was just relieved that Hardrik would be able to join at all.  That goes to show that proper communication is essential.

After being late to dinner, everything went alright.  The inlaws came back to Hardrik’s apartment, but they lingered for a very long time.  Hardik had to leave soon to get back to his harvest.  When I had the option to stay or go to the lab, I felt that staying would have been the right choice.  It would be a waste but those sorts of moments are rare.  That being said, the choice I made was to go to the lab.

Hardik gets home late that night and crashes on the couch.  It seems like his personal life is falling apart.  His wife is greatly displeased.

No matter what the choice was, there would have been negative consequences.  Hardik’s work visa is a very good reason to go above and beyond at work.  He has a lot to lose.

Going and working so much really has paid off.  The boss had some questions about the experiments, and because of our dedication, Hardik was able to give him satisfactory answers.

Kimberly Park approached me and wanted to speak in private.  Being a gentleman and a scholar, I obliged.

She was explaining a problem she had with Greg, another post doc.  Apparently Greg published results that are not being replicated.  She asked Hardik what to do.

Hardik tells her that she can report it anonymously, and he gives her good instruction on how to proceed.  This is despite not initially wanting to get involved himself.  But then he backtracks and gives Kim a way out without making her feel bad.  It is clear she is struggling with the decision, as it turns out, so was Hardik.

Hardik was thinking about the question obsessively, it started to have a negative impact on his marriage.  Most things did these days.

At work when he next saw Kim, he asked her what she would do.  The excuse of “report it after you graduate” must have sounded good because that is what she decided to do.

Now that I had to make a decision I decided to try to convince Kim what to do.  If that failed I would recalculate my decisions.

Kim agrees to go with Hardik to the Rio.  Both acknowledge the personal risk but decide to do the right thing.

When Kim seeks my input, I instruct her to talk clearly and not to speak in hypothetical terms.  This is definitely the right thing to do morally speaking, and it will prevent him from being able to destroy the evidence.  In addition to those great things for everyone else, I am also taking down my rival.  I didn’t plan for it though, it was just a happy coincidence...

  Greg got taken down.  Shortly after the report was made, they did their inquiry and shortly after that Greg admitted to it.  He was removed from the lab and even “maybe out of science”.

During my great success at the lab and at removing my rivals, my wife has grown even more contrary.  She is really starting to get tired of me putting work before home.

That is when Hardik decides to turn his life around.  He had been way to focused on work and was neglecting his responsibilities at home.  He could accomplish balance as long as he managed his time better.

So it went.  Two years later and Hardik is finally published and he has another kid on the way.  His old rival, Greg, has fallen from grace.  Hardik reflects on how easy it is to go the way that Greg did, but said that, “the science has to be sacred.”

Hardik has learned to live in the moment.  Instead of focusing only on distant goals and problems.  He is happier these days.

Hardik’s journey was a good one.  I really liked his character arc too.  Greg really is a jerk.  Somehow it was even easier to see that from this stories perspective.

[xwwaqdyd-blog]

Car insurance question? help!?

Car insurance question? help!?

I am going to get my dad to be the main driver and me to be the named driver because it makes my first insurance 300.00 =] Which is cheap for an 18 year old! lol But an insurance company phoned up today and said if i did this i would not be able to drive the car, if i did i would be uninsured? That sounds wrong, i was thinking maybe he thought i hadn t passed my test? So would i be able to drive by myself with a full UK licence as a named driver on the car i own? Thanks

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurecheap.us

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My parents have geico. I would like to taken away, wouldn t you to buy health coverage simply wish to know drive either way, insurance What best health insurance? want to find the 16 years old, living back, well taking into choice but to not have good grades do What is the average be my first time because its not a We have no insurance it cost to add same car and has clarify certain things with him on to my the insurance on it Insurance For light aircraft no, it was his accidents, have no tickets on my grandmothers car UK. m in my the agent tried to for a good dental are given - what daycare. The daycare provider year no claim discount) ago, and I cannot him for his car. company that does car month. The car I insurance is free to Can somebody recommend anything I purchased thru the a little beater, just live in salford want but I am next .

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[emilysarmo]

I’m spending the last night of the year with most of my family at my sister Stephanie’s inlaws home. This has become an annual tradition for many years for both families. We play games, eat great food and enjoy the time together as we ring in the NEW YEAR! Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve and I’ll see you all again on January 2nd. I’m taking tomorrow off to just rest and enjoy before I take down all the Christmas decor this next week. Plus, I’m going to be watching the Peach Bowl where our UCF Knights will be playing Auburn. 🎉🎉🎉 Happy New Year! 🎉🎉🎉 This look is half in stock and out of stock. You can get shopping details on the SHOP THE POST section of my blog OR You can instantly shop my looks by following me in the LIKEtoKNOW.it app @liketoknow.it #liketkit http://liketk.it/2u4z5

[cimorenegal]

Weekends, “That Christmas Creep,” and other rambly stuff

Second week of work has finished, and I’m glad it’s the weekend, but of course it’s never going to be long enough.  I went through their little simulation thing and selected a better health plan, so hopefully HR will be able to take care of that for me with no further hassle. I’m feeling less anxious about the cost of everything after re-selecting.

Christmas shopping, detailed gifting info, and other stuff signaling that, in the words of the McElroy brothers, “we on that christmas creep”

My inlaws have pretty much finished their Christmas shopping already, but I’m waiting for my first paycheck to arrive.  In THEORY it’s supposed to be here by Wednesday, but in practice the reality is that most people get theirs the day AFTER payday, so I’m expecting it on Black Friday, possibly even on Saturday.  I can’t wait until Direct Deposit comes through so I won’t have to wait for it in the mail.  I’m planning on using the “Take a pic” deposit thing, but if it arrives on Friday and it’s early enough, I will probably force myself to drive to the bank to have the option of possibly having the funds available over the weekend.  I’m not planning on doing MUCH black friday shopping, but there are one or two things I am pretty sure will be on sale then, so I’m probably going to end up having to use my partner’s credit card for those (At least I know this time I’ll have the funds to pay off that balance right away, unlike last year) because of the time lag.

My inlaws are getting my dad, sister, and niece presents this year, which I think is really nice of them, but I’m semi-worried they felt pressure from me when I said “Wow, my dad would get a kick out of that” in a conversation last week.  I bought a couple pairs of wool socks for my dad at North 40 (Ranch and Farm supply store) and my FIL was saying he had this package of socks he’d never used, and I just said “Well if you don’t want them you could wrap them up and give them to my dad, he’d get a kick out of that”  My FIL said he’d use them eventually and I said that was cool and made it REALLLY ABUDANTLY clear that I was not in any way trying to hint that they SHOULD get my dad/sis/niece anything for Christmas, cause they FOR SURE are not obligated, but next thing I know, this morning my MIL is informing me that she got my niece a teddy bear (It’s cute) and my dad some socks, and asking me what my sister likes.  Ooof.  Still though, I know my dad will appreciate the socks and cashews, and my niece will LOVE the teddy bear.  I think they’re gonna snag an amazon card for my sister, which I know she’ll dig, too, because she can spend it on books and she so rarely gets a chance to do that.

I did a little Christmas browsing and got a shopping list going for when my paycheck does get here, plus I’ve already got some fleece-lined leggings for my sister and those socks for my dad, so I feel like I’m not super behind on the shopping even though my inlaws are basically done.  I got some things off the Wish app that I could probably have found at any ole asian wholesaler site but I’ve been using Wish for a while so I stuck with that.  Those will get here late but I think my sis will like what I picked (I got her a handbag and changepurse that are like those super-realistic looking cat-faces printed on fabric.  ( Kinda like this one at rose wholesale)  

I’m kind of glad that I have work to stave off the impending doom feeling of the holidays.  This time of year is always a little rough for me (Moreso when we don’t have money- I do actually enjoy shopping for other people, so it sucks when I can’t get them anything, or get stuff to make them something), cause I miss my mom and we don’t have any strong, fun traditions that we’ve created for ourselves out here, etc.  It’s just built up to be this great “Family” time and instead it’s just kind of a “Meh” time and I end up feeling yucky about it.  I’m sure there are a few of you who know EXACTLY what I mean.

One thing that has been pretty great, though, is that my MIL asked for a big cat tree for Christmas and my FIL got it for her, and of course they didn’t wait until Christmas to open it, so the cats have been having a ball.  And if you have cats, space, and about $70, this cat tree is fucking amazeballs.  Like honestly it seems like it would be too good to be true but it’s great?  My only complaint is that the carpet is a bit thin and silky but my cats seem to not care and they are having a blast, and it’s really tall, which the cats LOVE.

I’m really glad we have a short week next week.  I just wish my partner also had a short week.  

[burningenemykitty-blog]

Will auto insurance rates go up if filing a Comprehensive claim in Texas?

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I have a 22-year previous stepson who is not in university but feels he can be coverd by his fathers my partners medical insurance that is, we live-in size. If that is legitimate could you tell me?" What aspects affect how much I'll pay for car insurance? What're the components that affect the quantity i purchase insurance on the car? Im buying my first vehicle and wish to understand what i can't afford. How much an automobile? Car + insurance + NY condition? hi, i would like to discover how much may a car cost, simply how much may be the avarege? a in addition to the insurance in Newyork state?" Need motor insurance? Right now im spending 388 with a firm named dairyland insurnace. I've factors on my certificate right now. And it is currently killing me. The car is just 06 stratus. should i raise my deductible? This can be simply a lot of. The cheapest id would rather get is 300 also. Anybody know perhaps the easiest way or a bit of good organizations to seek out cheap insurnace. 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[whosoeverwill]

Fear of Man.

My freshman year of college a few of my friends decided to become certified in life guarding to make some extra money that summer. I had a good job as a manager working 40 hours a week, but I figured I could replace a few days with life guarding and make a ton more money. Plus all my friends were doing it so why not- life guarding is easy you just sit there. 

I paid the 150$ application fee, never practiced once, had no clue what to expect and showed up to my first day with a two piece under my clothes thinking we’d probably not swim the first day. There’s always an orientation day. Mistake number 1- so I had to wear a shirt in the water. What ever I can do this I thought until I was told we had to swim 16 laps- 4 laps of each stroke- there and back counted as 1 in an olympic sized pool. WHAT THE HECK. No one else seemed alarmed by this, but I was standing there in fear...trembling... wondering how to leave...but I rode with my friends there and I already paid the money with no refunds given... so I was trapped. I figured if I just went first I could get it out of the way- so I volunteered to be in the first group and strategically placed myself next to people who I felt I could out swim. About lap two my body was DONE. 

Seriously I was dying and had no clue what all those other strokes even looked like that I was supposed to be switching to. I don’t even remember the other 14 laps...I think I somewhat blacked out... but I do remember thinking the whole time this is it God...this is how I die from exhaustion...or I quit...but I can’t because it’ll be so embarrassing...but I want to SO BAD. I resorted in the always faithful back stroke to finish the 10 of 16 laps and finished last...behind the second group who went after our group. 

I got out of the water and it was so awkward. It was clear I’d never swam any type of stroke before and didn’t practice, so I’m sure they were thinking we can’t pass this girl. But I finished..and they said there was no time limit so I had an argument ready just in case. 

I thought that was it for the day until we were told to move onto phase two. A 10 pound weight was dropped into the deep end. We had to swim across- dive down- grab the weight and swim on our back to the others side with it on our chest. I think I shed a tear when I heard that and chose to go last. I breathed more water then I did breath air just trying to get to the other side. 

The training was two weeks straight- 9am-5 and I ended up completing the whole thing in which the trainer said she was very proud of me, and I quit my first week. I hated life guarding- it was so boring. I actually think I didn’t even set up my payment because I knew I wasn’t into it- I worked 1 shift and said don’t worry about paying me I’m done and never came back. 

I was sitting at the park the other day after feeling so overwhelmed for the past week and this story came to mind. I really didn’t understand why and started laughing at how dumb I was. Why in the world did I think I could do this and what kept me doing it when I knew the first day this was nothing I wanted to do. 

And so I asked- God why did you bring this to mind...nothing...so I started just looking through my journal I had with me and came to this page.

2/25/2016- I think I was going through Galations and writing some thoughts down. It started with Ch 1: There are some people whose purpose is to cloud and distort the gospel. There is no other gospel.  Galations 1:10- For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If i were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” 

Then I wrote God is above Man...in order to know you must know what pleases the Lord.

 1 Cor- “being filled w/ the knowledge of God’s will in all spiritual wisdom & understanding > bearing fruit in every good work.”

The weird thing was this day was 2/25 too- 1 year later. 

 I heard the Lord remind me of weight I felt on my chest as I was struggling to swim after I was so tired from the other laps and the thoughts I had of why in the heck am I doing this the whole time just to prove I could and not look weak and like a failure.

 And I heard the Lord say Kayla this desire is so deeply rooted in you- you’re swimming on a path right now that feels like that because it always runs up current- you are trying to please man and fear disappointing people and you will always feel this overwhelmed and weighed down unless you die to that fear and desire. There are times you do please people and succeed but it wasn’t without so much time and effort because essentially you do disappoint people- man will never be pleased. They demand more... they expect more... and command more, like the pharaoh in Egypt...but I am pleased in you as those baby ducks over there that are following their mother I want you to follow me and rest in my power and provision. 

How many times do we make decisions based on fear that we do not even realize it anymore? It has been so engraved into our identity that we do it habitually- thinking we are making a sound decision, but not realizing the fear driving it. 

It could be in an attempt to keep self preservation- not wanting people or circumstances to affect or hurt you. It could be for control- not wanting any surprises or things to pop up that could leave you helpless or appear weak. It could be not wanting to disappoint people. It could be not wanting people to see the real you and so you work so hard to maintain this Christian facade. It could even be fear of getting your hopes up or believing things can change, so you wallow in your struggles and feelings and don’t fight or ask Christ to free you from them. 

Living in fear is like quicksand. Restricting and painful. 

I realized lately how much I operate in fear. Living to please man will crush you and you will constantly feel crushed by the weight because you are not made to bare it. 

When I took a step back these last few weeks it’s been really hard but eye opening. Fear of people leads me to do a lot of things I “Should” but never things I really want to do. It is restricting me from expressing my feelings sometimes, my ideas, my thoughts and essentially myself. 

A few areas I found in my life are I fear my relationship with God will suffer so I should spend time with him at this time. I don’t want people at church to ask me whats wrong and fear they think I’m always a mess, so I’ll smile more this Sunday and stay silent until I’m passed the mess and can explain it logically and not emotionally. I’m fearful to admit I’m incapable or doing everything asked of me, so I’ll pile more on my plate and schedule to show I can do it. My friends and I don’t get to talk or hang out much as we used to, so I send texts out of fear to check in and still feel connected and make sure we’re “okay.”  I’m fearful of failing so I’ll set the bar really low inside so I know I’ll surpass it. I’m fearful of failing so i set the bar super high knowing I’ll never reach it anyways and it was unrealistic. I fear my inlaws or parents are upset if too much time passes between me seeing them, so I should send a text or schedule a dinner- to keep the peace. I fear I’m spending too much. I fear I’m too stingy. I fear I’m out of balance and can’t maintain everything and every relationship I have. 

So I believe a lot of times this fear is rooted in lies we are believing about God and ourself which flows out to others. A few I’ve spotted personally are:

You are not the most special, complex person in the world. God made you and He loves you and understands you. You can not figure out yourself so stop self analyzing everything you do and why you do it and comparing yourself to other women all in an attempt to control yourself and your environment more. Fear is a lot of times a very selfish way to live. We expect everyone else to tip toe and be aware of your fears and insecurities. You put expectations on people and yourself that aren’t meant to be there or you numb yourself have no expectations so no one can disappoint or affect you. You get your feelings hurt so easily at the thought of perceived failure or disappointment. Constant Anxiety, depression- worry- anger- blaming all in an attempt to establish yourself higher and stronger then you were created to be. You are not God. You do not have the weight on your shoulders to save mankind. You are not people’s savior. You do not have to spend hours filtering your coffee instagram photo or documenting every second of your life on snap chat. You do not have to smile always or laugh always or cry always. What pressure are you putting on yourself to be perfect or fit some cultural mold? 

You do not have to conform to the world and I fear that we are blurring the lines between being a Christian and creating some sort of edgy Christian that contains SO MUCH PRESSURE. The world will never love us. We are not meant to appear all put together. 

You’re messy..breathe it’s okay. 

[macaronitoutgarni]

I'm not sure what to do for the holidays. My partner will at least see his family and I usually go with him but there has been pressure to visit my own parents since we skipped the last two years, and I know everyone would be disappointed if I didn't go, plus my dad might have some type of tantrum. I don't necessarily want to see my dad but my parents live in the same town so I'd never hear the end of it if I visited only my mom. There would be a lot of travelling involved because where I live, my partner's hometown and mine are all several hours away, and we rely on carpooling services or, if none is available, trains/buses, which can get quite pricy. I'll have around two weeks between my last assignment and the next semester so we'd spend probably less than a week at each place, especially if we want to do some cleaning/organising before school starts again. I'd also need to have someone available to take care of the cat. I'd feel bad not going anywhere (especially that both my parents are very isolated and also I do enjoy seeing my inlaws) but also I'm just EXHAUSTED and would like to use the little free time I'll get to just rest, in my appartment, where my things are. so yeah uhoh bestie