#plus mandatory catholic guilt

[thelittleprinceconfirmed]

I'm obsessed with her. Also pfp

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

[atheismfuckyeah]

Plus a... discussion I had with someone about this: 

Them:  Yes and no. I understand but it's like talking to a lawyer. Some places are confidential. If you don't have that, the person may not say anything in the first place. If they've told you confidentially, you can then try and persaude them to do the right thing.

Me:  That's a nice sentiment, but lawyers (and psychologists) still have to report crimes or intention to commit crimes, especially ones that endanger other people, ESPECIALLY especially when it's children. So... fuck religious confessional confidentiality. If children's lives and health are at risk ESPECIALLY fuck religious confidentiality

Them:  But what if that person then doesn't say anything, never goes for help to anyone because there's nowhere they can go to ask what they should do? If they go to a priest it's likely because they want help in not doing it.

Me:  There is literally no scenario where you're going to convince me a Priest should ignore a confession of child abuse for the peace of mind of an abuser

Them:  It's not for the peace of mind of the abuser. It's about, whether that abuser goes for help vs doesn't. Either way the information is not reported.

Me:  It is ENTIRELY for the peace of mind of the abusers, they get to know they can go to this place, tell someone about their sick behaviour and NOT GET REPORTED. They know that, they abuse it. It says in the article itself that abusers have routinely confessed and gone on to abuse again and confess again. Catholic confession gives them the insane and sick idea that if they confess and repent they can be forgiven. The simple fact that abusers go to their Priests should make it MANDATORY for the Priests to alert the authorities, much like teachers have to when we are alerted of abuse or possibility of abuse. Just because you think some hypothetical abuser may perhaps maybe go on to seek help after a confession is in no way shape or form a justification for Priests keeping silent when they discover abuse.

Them:  But sometimes when someone is mentally ill or sick, if there's someone they can go to, that help can point them the right way. To confess, to go to the police, to start to stop it. With nowhere to go, the problem isn't solved, it just stays silent. That doesn't make the children better off. It may even make things worse. It's not the final solution. But it can be a first step.

Me:  Yeah, hello, it's 2017, Priests have had hundreds of years to try the 'encourage them to get help' thing, and it HASN'T WORKED. Like I said, these people go to Priests to confess, get absolved, then go and do it again. And again. You seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that people actually go to confession seeking help, when it's actually about being absolved of their sins, so they can stop feeling guilty. This whole line of thinking is especially useless when we know that a rather hefty percentage of the Priests themselves are in fact abusers and have been involved in covering up their own and other people within the Church's abuse.

Them:  Heh, I think we must agree to disagree.

Me:  Right. Because I think someone who is told 'I'm sexually abusing my child' should go and tell the authorities, rather than simply 'encouraging them to get help' while the abuser continues to abuse the child. In your scenario, the only ones that get hurt are the children/victims. The Priests get to sit back and congratulate themselves for 'helping', the abusers get to continue their abuse free of guilt or arrest, the children get to... what...? Oh yeah... continue to be abused or continue to suffer in silence without getting the help THEY need because nobody knows about it, because the Priests won't go and tell anyone. But sure, let's agree to disagree.

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Good lord I hate people sometimes. ‘Heh’ ... fucking what.