#plus is it really that far fetched that someone who is repressing at least some gay urges would say something homophobic

[dowagergreen]

talking to kore just reminded me of this but just for my alicent specifically, she is not just going around saying openly treasonous things to people. she will infer treasonous things but always with plausible deniability. she would openly confide in someone like criston who has proven his loyalty but i don't like how the show had her just being so stupid sometimes about who she was saying things to and how blatant she was being about it. and tbh i have no interest in playing her that dumb because viserys' loyalty to her as his wife would only go so far and she was really toeing a dangerous line as it is so there's no need to make her an idiot about it on top of it. alicent allows the rumors about rhaenyra and her children to circulate and makes no move to stop them, even though as queen she definitely could. that should tell just about anyone what they need to know about where she stands along with the fact that it's her son that would be nyra's primary rival for the throne.

[omnivir-moved]

So I just got reminded of shit that happened to me, and in general, of things I’ve been meaning to meta about when it came to Ben and his whole sexuality.

trigger for molestation mentioning

So I won’t really delve too into, though I’ve kinda talk about one incident before with Ben which is heavily based on my own traumas. I’ve said before that I tend to project a lot of stuff onto Ben, and kind of being reminded lately of how fucked up things happened to me as a kid have kinda made me kinda get more uncomfortable with myself, and something that I’m still too uncomfortable with mentioning to my therapist.

Essentially, what I’m saying right now is after Ben got his watch removed, he was at a family gathering (where there were also FRIENDS of family) and got molested. He was maybe 11 going on 12, probably for an early Christmas gathering since getting the whole Tennyson family together is hard since they don’t all live in California. They also invited friends of the family, so it was one big reunion. 

Aside from projection, Ben seems very mmm about people invading his personal space, and this is partly his Autism, but also because of this horrifying experience, which is why I don’t think it’s SUPER far fetched to think he’s experience things like this.

He’s admitted he’s too oblivious for his own good, and this does mostly stem from his issues with understanding social cues. Also, being beaten down so often from his summers fighting aliens, he’s defensive about obvious attacks, but if their gentle touches, he tends to just let them do whatever as, “I mean, they aren’t HURTING me. Feels weird but...”

He’d repressed the memory so much that it’s never dawned on him just how fucked up it was that something like that happened to him. He never told anyone about what happened because at the time, Ben didn’t realize what happened was BAD. He just thought this person was too touchy feely, and after it happened, he didn’t really know what to do, and the person just left the room and him alone. 

Ben remembers who it was, at least via face, but doesn’t know the name. He did have a few nightmares about it, but would wake up feeling confused and gross, but not knowing WHY he felt gross. It really wasn’t until he learned more about how some touching was NOT okay. Once he learned about that, he immediately felt gross and became very confused.

This would quickly build up into him his confusion about his sexuality, and why Ben had se.x at a really young age (15). Aside from not knowing the whole “legal age” thing to be able to consent to intercourse, Ben felt that since he already had that experience at a young age, plus another younger kid who knew too much at age 7 made Ben make out with them, he should be doing this. Of course it only added to his trauma and made him all the more uncomfortable with s.ex. 

He’s pan demi-asexual and while this is mostly because of this whole experience he’s had with sexual encounters. Ben doesn’t mind the idea of sex with someone he trusts very intensely, and has a clearly strong emotional bond with them. Gender isn’t really an issue with him.

Also, Ben presents himself as an open book, but only in the sense of you wanting to know about factoids about him like birthmarks, crushes, or favorite colors. If you try to really pry into his past, he’ll quickly close the book and tell you to back off. 

Ben feels his most safe and secure with his Omnitrix, and while he DOES say he’s more than just his watch, it’s a comfort object more than anything. Whenever he’s spending those sleepless nights staring into darkness, he’ll start crying and letting his opposite hand grip onto his watch. He thinks about how if he had his watch back then, none of this would’ve happened and he wouldn’t be so confused about everything. 

It also makes him upset about him being autistic, which doesn’t usually bother him much. He’s aware of his mental illness, and has grown to live with it. It’s made easier with parents who are so open minded and willingly to work with their son and not to mess with any schedules unless they absolutely have to, and give him the space he needs when he asks for it. However, nights like this when he’s overthinking, he’ll sometimes wonder what it’d be like if he could understand the cues on how what was happening to him was BAD, and he needed to have told his parents the night it happened.

Of course that’s not necessarily true since I’m a victim of molestation and I never told anyone about it when it happened, and there were other people in the room when it happened, but y’know, sometimes as a victim you think too much about how everything went and just wish you could’ve just had a certain thought process or done something to MAYBE avoid it ever happening.

I hope this didn’t upset anyone- this is mostly headcanon I’ve been thinking of for a while now because I keep zoning out and thinking about some of the shit that’s happened to me as a kid. It helps with coping, and it’s not too far fetched to think Ben is a CSA survivor.