#plus id like to talk more about bev on her own. she is…a character i have written. gestures vaguely

[ratsinspats]

alright. it’s been seven years, but it’s finally time to explain a bit of the Paisley Lore™ now that i’ve made a comic about him, aka infodumping about this guy that used to be a one-note “what if i was a rat from hazbined hotel :D” self insert and now is. pretty much just an oc i project onto in some ways that vaguely resembles a sona i’d make.

there’s a lot, so i’ll break it into sections. if you’re just interested in the context of the comic rather than the entire full-length backstory, you can skip the first section. tl;dr for it, he hosted a game show in hell that got picked up by voxtek, and vox hired him to work for the company when it got cancelled under the condition that he wouldn’t appear on television again. the second part is probably worth reading for context regardless, but the third part explains the actual comic itself.

1. Sometime after Paisley arrived in Hell, he befriended a ring-tailed lemur demon named Bev (short for Beverly, but she barely goes by that in casual settings). I’ll spare the details of their entire friendship for now, but Bev ended up encouraging him to make something of himself, which he initially kind of dismissed, but he ended up realizing he did always want to host his own game show, and with his affinity for public-access television, he decided he would just secure a spot there. Little did he know at the time, Beverly (who was initially heavily involved in more technical aspects of the show having more experience with film and media but was also sometimes a contestant) had certain connections and partially led to the show taking off more than he anticipated, which he ended up embracing because he enjoyed the idea of being a source of entertainment in Hell.

Eventually, Bev was able to get the show picked up by VoxTek’s networks through some of her Mysterious Beverly Methods™, which was pretty much an absolute dream for Paisley as he enjoyed a lot of the company’s shows and Vox’s own entertaining presence (though it’s unclear how much of it is him simply not being immune to propaganda). However, their relationship on a personal level wasn’t ideal at this point, but by the time they ended up falling out, the show was out of Bev’s control and she couldn’t and didn’t really want do much to hinder Paisley’s success, as both of them wanted her pretty much out of the picture and she wasn’t obligated to stay on the show by any binding contracts, having primarily presented anything related to work contracts or creative rights or anything along those lines as something Paisley needed to figure out with the company without her rather than a package deal, taking a back seat when she felt so inclined before drifting away entirely.

At that point, a lot of Bev’s previous obligations could go to Paisley’s diffident hummingbird assistant Cedilla, but Paisley found that he missed some of the similar writing enthusiasm and connection he used to have while working with Bev, wanting nothing to do with her herself at that point but finding himself wishing he could just have that energy back, especially as things seemed to only ever get worse and more pressure was put on him to be consistently on top of things and he began to wonder just how much Bev was actually responsible for taking care of. All of these factors were a huge blow to his confidence and ability to function, and the show ended up being cancelled entirely after The Incident, the less-than-ideal final episode that finally showed just how vulnerable and shaky Paisley actually was at this point...

2. By what felt like yet another miracle and something out of a weird grandiose fantasy, Vox offered Paisley a job at VoxTek! Of course, it made sense at this point; the game show was successful for what it was, Paisley clearly seemed to have some creative talent outside of that performance, and he still had a name to himself to slap onto things, even if at this point he felt like sometimes it slapped him back. The only condition was that he couldn’t actually act or perform in anything he worked on in the future. It was devastating for Paisley (after all, the performance aspect was the main reason why he enjoyed working on the game show and wanted to start it in the first place), but he agreed that it was for the best, as the longer he was off the air and disillusioned with the show and its fans, the more he started to question whether anyone actually liked it genuinely or whether they saw Paisley himself as the joke the entire time with no real respect for him.

The evidence that piled up now only seemed to support the idea that, at least now, his reputation from the show was more of the latter. That, and even outside of Bev, he had his fair share of enemies in Hell, even if some them were over petty things. This combined with his paranoia made him feel as if he was constantly being targeted, and every time the idea that he is was enforced by someone following him or antagonizing him or seeming way too interested in him or any other...trolling, for lack of a better term, his fear only increased and he felt the constant urge to have SOMETHING going on for him or somehow protecting him so he wasn’t just openly targeted.

3. Unfortunately, it also made him feel like he couldn’t ever escape or leave his current job. This part’s a little more open-ended because I have a few different routes I’m interested in going down from that point, especially as I consider the possibility of writing/roleplaying Paisley with other characters from the show and not having much more after that be ‘canon’ to how I consistently write him.

However, one of the ways I like exploring writing Paisley IS through getting a job at VoxTek. Vox’s entire brand revolves around selling the idea of trust and safety, something Paisley is absolutely desperate for the promise of, and he finds it in the worst way possible, mentally treating the job as if it’s the only thing keeping his life from falling apart more than it already has and boldly assuming that somewhere very deep down Vox and his company do have some sort of personal affinity for him. Probably not a wise assumption, but he’s not exactly in a wise state of mind, so he clings to the job like it can actually somehow save him from everything...not really being able to be as consistent as he wanted to with his work due to his shattered confidence, fluctuating mental health, skillset not transferring as well as he’d want it to, issues with being social at all after everything that’s happened and loneliness, a seemingly endless list of factors that made him painfully aware he’s not an ideal employee for his own merits.

So, of course, when he can find a way to feel completely relevant to the company again, he’ll use it to his advantage at the very first hint of danger or job insecurity. This comic takes place in a scenario where he’s found a way to gain access to sensitive company information he probably shouldn’t have access to and decides to exploit that fact when Vox confronts him about his role at the company and declining work quality. It’s a perfect way to buy time in his mind. Until Vox can figure out what exactly he’s done with this information, the best option is to keep him safe and essentially leave him alone about work; with the unhinged ‘fans’ he has that can and will go digging through his stuff even if he’s out of the picture and keeping his current job being enough to make him functionally cooperative…and in the meantime, he’ll come up with something to actually prove that he’s actually worth keeping around and not causing more problems than he’s worth and jumping from one ridiculous reason he should be there to the next, right? …Right?

He knows the more he presents himself as more clever and capable than he feels like he can consistently keep up, the deeper he’s digging himself into a hole, but he feels like he can’t stop. He feels like, at this point, it’s the only other choice he has. Like he’ll either face the job he hates and barely manages his way through with the constant fear of being found out and doubt that he’s actually capable of anything he tries to do, or he’ll throw himself to the wolves and go back to the constant fear that they’ll finally completely tear him apart completely and erase that doubt in the worst way possible.

Rat race indeed.

also, ‘normal’ speech bubbles (black text, white font) under the cut. i can never tell how hard to read funky speech bubble colors are because my eyes are a little weird about needing certain levels of brightness. i should probably also transcribe the text at some point but i am very sleepy and have never done it before and don’t want to try to figure it out now and be very wrong about it

[darling-i-read-it]

Jealousy

Will Graham x reader, slight Hannibal Lecter x reader

Word Count: 2.2k 

Warnings: talks of murder, corpses, crime scenes 

Author’s Note: besties you need to stop giving me freedom to chose the endings because i am SO biased. I hope you all enjoy regardless and didn’t mind that I bunched these two requests together because they’re so similar! 

Requested: by anon, Hey i don’t know if you’re still taking Hannibal requests but if you are can you do something where both Will and Hannibal have a crush on the reader? The reader would be the only one who doesn’t know about the two men having a crush on her and one day the reader hangs out alone with one of them (could be Will or Hannibal) and the other gets jealous? It could end in the reader choosing one of them. (your choice)

Requested: by anon, AHHH i’m so nervous to write a request even tho this a anon😅 I never done a request but if you could do something where both Hannibal and Will take an interest in the reader? It could just be a thing where both of them try to impress the reader who remains oblivious to their affections. And during the entire thing they get jealous of each other and try to one up each other in gifts. If you want you could end it with them being polyamorous or the reader choosing one of them, i don’t really care my main focus id just the jealousy lol😅

Summary: the requests! 

I don’t own these characters. They belong to author/director/creator

(not my gif)

You nodded gently, putting your fingernail between your teeth. You circled the corpse, giving it a careful eye as Beverly spoke over your thoughts. 

“We believe it was murder, obviously,” she said. 

“It’s just been a bitch trying to figure out how she was murdered,” Zeller commented. He was sitting on one of the stools, his hands resting on his thighs. 

“Keep working on it,” Jack said, hand resting on the cold metal table. 

“I think we should try and talk to the mom again. I feel like she knows more than she’s letting on,” you muttered. Will and Hannibal watched you as you moved to the head of the body, looking directly down at it. 

“I want to go to the crime scene again,” Will said. You looked up and met his eyes, nodding a bit. You knew the toll that it took on him so you preferred him to offer up his abilities, rather than ask him. 

“Are you sure you’re up for that?” Hannibal asked. Yours and Will’s eyes floated to Hannibal who was standing at the corner of the room. This wasn’t his crime, he wasn’t sure what Will would find. 

“I’m sure,” Will said sturtly and then turned around, walking out of the room. Hannibal watched as your gaze followed Will until he was out of sight and then you turned back to the corpse. 

“I’ll drive you to the mothers house,” Hannibal suggested. You nodded and took your hands off the metal, walking over to him.

“Thank you.” 

The two of you left quickly after that, leaving Bev, Zeller, Price and Jack in the room alone. Beverly pretended to check something on her clipboard before looking up at everyone.

“You all felt that tension too, right?” Overlapped responses came.

“Yeah.”

“Yes.” 

“When did that happen?” 

Beverly shrugged and learned against the wall. She tried to follow you and Hannibal as you left the morgue but you were already long gone.

“Who do you think she’s gonna pick?” Bev asked. 

“I say let the best man win!” Price commented. 

“We have a case here lady and gentlemen,” Jack said, pretending he too wasn’t invested. Everyone else shared one more look and then turned around, getting back to their duties. 

=====

Hannibal sat promptly in his chair, legs crossed and looking at Will who sat across from him. Will had an open stance as he looked around the room he had been in a couple of times before. 

“How was your week? Let’s start there,” Hannibal said gently, prompting Will to start talking. Will was usually filled to the brim with sarcastic comments but he never wanted to delve any deeper than that. Unless he was talking about other people's murders. 

“Um, it was fine,” he said, trying to figure out what to say. “Y/N came over last night and made dinner. It was nice to have someone over.” Hannibal was able to mask his feelings very well but Will caught a little bit of disdain. 

“That’s nice. Do you see her often?” 

“Sometimes. She’s nice and likes to see the dogs.” Hannibal saw you yesterday as well, when the two of you went to interview the mother again. Hannibal offered a nice face to the woman and it ended up getting you somewhere with her. 

“She is very kind,” Hannibal commented. 

“Do you see her often Dr. Lecter?” Will asked. 

“On occasion. She comes over for dinner. She used to be a patient but she’s been doing well.”

“Glad to hear you have some success stories.” 

That was the day that Will and Hannibal realized they were competing and they hadn’t known it. They weren’t even sure that you knew it but they understood that the other had feelings for you. 

Sure, ultimately it was up to you in the end but it was then they decided they would have to get to you first. Will was a little unhinged and confused. Hannibal was a little insane and unsettling. 

Just depended on who was going to be able to play the right cards. 

=====

You sat beside Hanniabl at his dinner table. You had a few of the case papers out in front of you, next to your plate of food. Hannibal was flipping through them as well. He was trying to help you out while also getting you to enjoy a nice meal. 

You ate the last bite of the food and showed Hannibal one of the pictures. 

“Do you think this looks like she’s been dead for a couple of months? I know water can wash away evidence and stuff but it definitely doesn’t look like she’s been dead for months,” you said. Hannibal took the picture from you and looked it over. 

“I can’t say I disagree with you.” You took the picture back.

“This is really good by the way. Thank you for letting me intrude on your dinner,” you said laughing a bit. He shook his head. 

“Of course. I’m glad you enjoy it, I know it can be an acquired taste.” 

“I really enjoy everything you make. How do you say it? It’s growing my pallet,” you said smiling. He nodded pleasantly. It was always nice to make sure people were listening. You looked like you were about to say something else when your phone dinged. At first you ignored it but then it dinged again. “I’m sorry,” you muttered and then picked up the phone. You read a couple of messages and laughter bubbled from your mouth. Hannibal immediately felt a stab of jealousy but it didn’t show on his face. “Sorry, Will just sent me something about the case. I actually have to go see him later tonight, I should probably get out of your hair.” 

Hannibal shook his head. 

“You’re always welcome here, I hope you know that.” You smiled and nodded but still put the papers together in a neat stack.

“Don’t say that, I’ll abuse my privileges.” You stood up and put the stack of papers in your arms. “Thank you again Hannibal. I’ll call you?” He nodded, standing up as well and taking your plate. 

“Of course. Have a nice night and say hello to Will for me.” You nodded and waved as you turned to leave. 

Hannibal turned to the kitchen and put the dishes in the sink. He started to wash them and after a moment he found he had been washing his hands dry. 

====

“You really didn’t have to drive me. I can drive myself,” Will said from the passenger seat of your car. You waved him off, shaking your head. 

“Please Will, I can drive you around all I want. Plus, I wanted to see Hannibal anyway. Don’t worry I won’t intrude on your session. I brought a book.” You held your book up in front of him and he nodded slightly. 

Why did you wanna see Hannibal? He decided not to ask. 

You got out of the car and followed Will inside to Hannibal’s office. Hannibal opened the door, as though he had been listening and waiting for your arrival. His smile grew at the sight of you. 

“I was hoping to run into you. I boxed some leftovers from last night because you enjoyed them so much,” Hannibal explained. 

“You went over to Hannibals’ last night?” Will asked. He didn’t mean for his voice to sound so accusatory but it did. You shrugged.

“I went for dinner and he helped me with some case notes.” You remained completely oblivious to the tension in the room. He handed you a box that he grabbed from his desk and you nodded happily. “Thank you so much! I will cherish this,” you joked. You turned to Will. “Have a nice session boys, I’ll be in the car.” 

  They both nodded and waved goodbye to you as you left the room. The tension did not leave with you. 

====

The morgue did not smell any better the next time you were in it. You were alone with just Bev this time as you compared notes on the cause of death. She and the guys were still in the process of figuring it out but it had been a busy couple of days.

“Yeah that’s kind of what Price was saying. I don’t know, I’ll look into it more and get back to you,” she said as you showed her some notes. You nodded and put your notepad back in your bag. 

“Alright, keep me posted.” You stood up from your chair and stretched a bit. You and Beverly were pretty good friends outside of work as well so she had been dying to ask you about Hannibal and Will.

“So...how’s it going with Hannibal and Will?” she asked, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall. You gave her a confused look.

“Huh?” She scoffed.

“You’re kidding right?” You gave her a look and she laughed dryly. “You seriously don’t know? Those guys are head over heels for you. Come on, you had to have noticed how jealous they get when you talk to them. It literally fills the room with tension,” she explained. You shook your head slowly. It took you a moment but the realization hit you. You had to sit back down. 

“Oh my God, I’ve been so head first in this case I didn’t even notice,” you said, laughing a bit.

“Well! Who’s gonna take the cake? Come on, we’re running bets here in the morgue.” You raised an eyebrow.

“Who did you bet on?” She gave you a look. “Come on!” 

“Will,” she fessed up. You stood up. 

“Go get your money Katz.” A prideful look went over her face and she nodded. 

“Alright then. You better go get your man.” 

======

You knocked on Will’s door that night. You teetered back and forth on the porch, wondering if Beverly had been wrong. She could have read the signs wrong. Heck, you read the signs wrong at first. You were about to walk off the porch when Will opened the door, rubbing his eyes. 

“Hi,” he said, blinking quickly.

“Oh my gosh did I wake you? I’m sorry, I am running on case time,” you said, suddenly feeling very apologetic. He shook his head. 

“No, don’t worry about it. Do you need something?” You doubted yourself again but figured that if you were going to do it you had to do it now. 

“I just...Beverly said something and I...do you wanna go to dinner? Like together? Like as a couple?” You were trying to get the words out so they didn’t sound awkward. Will rubbed his eyes some more and then his hand dropped. He smirked a bit. 

“Yeah. I would really like that.” 

“Okay! Okay. Good, good. I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow once you get some rest,” you said. He nodded happily. 

“I look forward to it.” 

“Me too.” 

You turned around and he shut the door and a wall away from each other. You were both smiling wildly. Will almost called Hannibal and bragged but he went to sleep. He would find out eventually. 

[caredogstips]

Who’s The Queen Of Bravo: Lisa Vanderpump Or Patricia Altschul?

If youve ever read any of our shit you know we fucking live their lives Bravo and its roster of betches. And while Andy Cohen has managed to find like, a million hot rich middle-aged ladies to crowd his demonstrates with, there are two that reign supreme: Lisa Vanderpump of and glory( and my namesake, fucking duh) ands Patricia Altschul. Theyre both richer than divinity. They throw major shadow at their trashy, povo, younger castmates. And as much as is we’re concerned, they essentially run their respective cities. But whos the betchier betch? We probe here. Too, please be advised that despite my being appointed after LVP, I am in no way determine or kind biased. I acknowledge both of these kings and their overall betchiness equally.

1. Who Blacks Out More?

We start with one of the main defining characters of being the betch, i.e. getting wasted. Both Lisa and Patricia are always boozing, which we can relate to on a personal level. LVP is typically chugging wine-colored and Ive literally never seen Patricia without a fucking martini in her hand( shouts out to Michael ). If this were all the info we had, Patricia would win because apparently you black out harder off hard alcohol than wine-colored. HOWEVER , not only does Lisa suck a lot, she makes her whole goddamn fortune off it. She owns rails in LA plus her own front of sangria. Even her daughter is getting in on specific actions with a brand-new ros, which, lets be honest, was probs Lisas idea.

Winner : Lisa Vanderpump

2. Who Has The Better House?

Tbh, both are pretty fucking phenomenal. They have pools, gorgeous grounds, are perfectly massive, and youre probs not allowed to touch anything in either. Its certainly more of a form select: Lisas Beverly Hills palace is modern and everything is white, while Patricias mansion is super Southern and traditional. Lets just say Id take either.

Winner : Tie

3. Who Has The Better Squad?

You might remember LVP has this in the bag considering the fact that shes actually on a demo with wealthy person her age, while Patricia is hanging with Charlestons most dysfunctional on. But do a little digging and you’ll find Mrs. Altschul rolls deep. One of her husbands was a doctor and art collector and founded the Psychiatric Organization of Americaaka he was rich AF. Another one was a partner at Goldman, Sachsaka also rich af. Shes likewise homies with s Andre Leon Talley. Sorry, LVP, but in such instances you, Kyle, and Ken could try Sears.

Winner: Patricia Altschul

4. Who Throws More Shade?

Lisa and Patricia can perfectly destroy you with their entail and usually entirely accurate notes. Lisas shit talking is super blunt and fucking amusing, while Patricia articulates happens in that passive-aggressive rich Southern lady space. Its a close call, but Patricia only really talks shit when she’s requests, while Lisa takes it to the next level by removing subtlety on literally everyone: opponents, employees, bffs. No one is safe.

Winner : Lisa Vanderpump

5. Who Has Better Help?

When “youre living in” a mansion that probs has its own zip code, you need someone to help you take care of it. Lisas housekeeper Rosia is a very nice soft spokens lady who helps keep Villa Rosa clean and assists in LVPs dinner parties. Patricias butler Michael, on the other hand, is sassy AF and, according to Patricia, becomes the worlds best martini. He carries a mallet around for perfectly crushed frost, for fuckings sake. Sorry Rosia, but being a nice daughter never got anybody anywhwere. Just ask your boss.

Winner : Patricia Altschul

6. Who Has More Money?

This one doesnt expect much of an explanation. Like, this is actually the type of shit you can just google. Spoiler Alert: one of these women is prosperous AF, and the other one is even wealthier than that. Patricia is fucking loaded with $20 million, but its good-for-nothing is comparable to LVPs $ 65 mil. Holy shit, can either one of you shed me a couple splendid for hire maybs?

Winner : Lisa Vanderpump

7. Who Garments Better?

In words of wardrobe, LVP actually has a business to run so shes usually wheeling around Bev Hills in her Porsche and a pencil hem and something pink. Patricia, as far as we can tell, doesnt is a requirement to do shit except alcohol martinis, get ready for pageant and pet her bird-dogs so you can find her in one of her numerous super chic kaftans. She takes superb loungewear to the next rank. Plus, I fucking cant with all of Lisas seedy low-cut pink tops.

Winner : Patricia Altschul

8. Who Has Better Pets?

Both of these women fucking adoration their swine and each time one of their sees comes on they have a brand-new one. Like, arent you worried about them spoiling your fucking dwellings? Guess thats what Rosia and Michael are for Anyway we cherish Patricias hounds, but Lisa has dogs, swans, and miniature mares with glittered hooves. Which seems various kinds of like something that PETA might be interested in hearing about but we’re no snitches.

Winner : Lisa Vanderpump

The Winner: Lisa Vanderpump

So there ya have it. It was super close but LVP is truly the queen of all Bravo betches. Can’t wait to see Patricia have a literal meltdown about this next season. Maybe if you would have invited us to one of your parties, this list would have turned out differently. Just sayin’.

Read more: www.betches.com

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