#plus i laugh because i relate to the fear driving is a terror

[nat-without-a-g]

I probably shouldn’t find this funny, but as someone who was Terrified of learning to drive, I could never imagine being in TJ’s position. Your first time driving, you are the oldest of your peers, and you EXPLODE THE ENGINE? I would never sit behind the wheel again. There’d be no recovering. Even IF someone manages to force me to take lessons long enough to re-learn and get a license, I’d never want to sit in the driver’s seat again in my life, I’d burn the liscense.

Aaaand I just realized that I think TJ is the only dad we never see drive a vehicle in season 2 so he probably feels the same way I do.

[takemedancingmaine]

What, Like It’s Hard?

“You're here early.”

I jumped at his voice behind me.

“Sorry,” he chuckled as I stepped out of whichever one of the warrior poses I was in and turned around, working to catch my breath. It was one of the few yoga moves I knew.

“Holy fork, Brian,” I took a deep breath and wiped my forehead. I had been doing a yoga warm up. With the shakeup to my workout routine, I was trying to take precautions.

“You're here early,” he said again as I rolled up the mat I’d been using and followed him over to the other studio, the one we used for his class.

“I'm a little tense,” I told him, watching as he set his bag down and pulled out an old iPod, one of those black bricks with the circle trackpad. I smiled at the sight of it. It had been a while since I'd seen one of those.

“Mentally or physically?” He asked, his eyebrows picking up and a smirk falling onto his face. He pulled out a stretch band and handed it to me as he plugged in the music. Some Chet Faker started playing through the studio’s sound system.

He pulled out another stretch band and began demonstrating a move for me as he waited for me to answer.

“Both,” I admitted to him.

He nodded and transitioned to a move to stretch my shoulders, knowing that mentally and physically they'd be the tightest bit of me. 

He was right. I could feel my shoulders all day at work today, had constantly been rolling them to try to ease them even a bit.

Louis had asked if I'd slept funny last night at one point today. We’d been eating lunch together at his desk and he kept eyeing me, noticing the tension. It wasn't so much the secret I kept, for the most part, I was getting better at compartmentalising that, but when I compounded that with the kickboxing class, I was unbelievably sore.

It was something I hadn't thought about when I had signed up for the class. I was pretty limber, but constantly having my guard up, constantly throwing punches and jabs in class, and the effect that would have on me didn't register with me until after I'd done the workouts for a few weeks.

I just knew I needed to be stronger and before this, I hadn’t had a reason to stretch my shoulders in such a way. Which was why I so greatly appreciated Brian’s intuition.

“How's that going, by the way?” Brian asked.

“How's what going?” I feigned ignorance.

He shot me a dark glance in the mirror.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, holding the stretch pose, regaining the composed breathing as I sunk my body into the move.

“I still haven't told anyone,” I mumbled out.

“Really?” He asked.

Last week after class I'd confessed that he was the only one that knew that anything had even happened. He was shocked, to say the least, but he didn't say anything; he kept his opinions on it to himself.

Brian was a good person. He was patient with his class, intuitive, and wasn't judgemental. I appreciated his company for the hour a week I was around him. Ever since that first class when he let me participate and then partnered himself with me I got the feeling that he was genuine.

It was clear to anyone that Brian cared for each and every individual that took his class. He learned each of our names, took the time to listen to us and learn our fears and concerns, was working with us so that we genuinely felt better, empowered.

He seemed to take an extra beat for me, clearly understanding that my reason for being in the class wasn't about prevention but about regaining a sense of my own security that I’d lost that night. I didn't have to say that, he just knew, and that was lucky because I wasn't sure I could say that out loud even if pressed to.

“I'm not going to tell anyone.”

“Just me,” he eyed me again.

“Right.”

“I have a sneaky suspicion that if your bruises had healed you wouldn't have told me either,” he smirked.

I nodded.

“Well, that's probably why you're so tense,” he said sarcastically.

He gestured for me to release the pose and showed me another. It pulled, almost uncomfortably, but I knew that would be helpful in the end result.

“I started the morning kickboxing classes after it happened,” I filled him in.

“Oh, Riley’s class?” He asked. “She's great!”

“Yeah, but the class is literally kicking my butt.”

“So it's not just from stress then,” he nodded in understanding. “She’s a bit of a badass. I've taken her class a few times. She really pushes you.” He paused. “Are the classes another way of building yourself up, then?”

I nodded. “I used to run every morning, and I still do on the weekends, but I did switch into them once it happened, yes.”

“You struck me as a cardio person,” he told me. I raised an eyebrow at him and he caught my curious glance in the mirror. “You struggled a bit the first week, but last week you didn't even waiver during the cardio sessions of class. The first week was just because of your throat injury.”

I didn't give him the satisfaction of being right about the injury slowing me down.

“What did happen?”

My breath hitched for just a moment before I gathered myself. I didn't look at Brian, directly or in the mirror. Instead, I looked down at my feet and bit my bottom lip. I could feel my pulse pick up and tried to think of things that would calm me down.

What worked to do it was the thought of Louis bent over a tray of cookies, icing them and singing to himself. He liked singing, especially when he worked.

I could picture us in the bakery, the warmth from the ovens, the smells of whatever he was baking, the sounds of customers up front chatting and eating… it was all enough to distract me from my momentary fear of telling someone what happened.

Because when it came down to it, Brian knew but he didn't really know. Didn't know it was at my home, my safe place. Didn't know just how alone I'd felt. Didn't know the terror that gripped into me and held me immobile and unable to really fight back. The terror that was gone from my mind until I was forced to think about it.

“Right,” I heard him say and I looked up with the tone of his voice. “I will not ask that again,” he gave me a reassuring look in the mirror.

“Thanks,” I mumbled sincerely and he nodded. “What are we doing in class today?” I tried to make my voice as normal as possible.

“We’re gonna discuss and review some of the tactics to being more preventative, and then we’re going to do a small amount of cardio--just a warmup this week--before we get into proper boxing techniques. Fighting stance, punching motions…”

He trailed off as I nodded.

Last week Brian had gone over little things that would keep us safer in the event of something happening, or to take it one step further, prevent things from happening in the first place.

For instance, try not to wear your hair in a long ponytail or braid when going out. It gives a potential attacker a way to grab and hold you. If someone asks for the time while you're walking, don't stop walking even if you do tell them.

We went over things like how being in crowds is actually safer in some ways in that muggers don't like that many potential witnesses if things don't go smoothly for them. We talked about how if you're being threatened with a weapon for your wallet, throw your wallet a good distance from yourself. It gives you time to get away while whoever is after it goes and picks it up.

We talked about how being aware of your surroundings and people when out in public is a bit like when you use your mirrors while driving. You should look every so often and always know where someone is in relation to yourself. We even covered obvious things like never wear headphones while out and try to stay in well-lit areas.

“For the most part,” Brian was saying now, “you don't have to fight someone who's trying to cause you harm. If you show them that you're unafraid and that you have even a basic sense of how to fight back, they'll back off.”

“That's helpful.”

He nodded. “It really is. Especially given that actually fighting should be seen as your last resort.”

I nodded, aware that he was right. Sometimes it was unavoidable, but fighting should always be seen as a last resort. Plus, as he often pointed out, reacting violently could sometimes escalate the situation.

We were learning how to defend ourselves but also learning how to avoid situations in which we’d even have to defend ourselves. I think the fact that Brian was brutally honest about that balance, about the fact that the goal of leaning these tactics was so we would never have to use them, was one of the reasons we all like his class so much.

Not once did he disillusion us about our safety and where we’d be at the end of his class in a few months, but he did care and was genuine and I did enjoy how empowering the classes were.

“What do you do besides teaching self-defence, Brian?” I asked now, shifting the conversation as he transitioned from stretching our shoulders to opening up our chests with a few dynamic moves.

“I’m a law student at Northwestern,” he told me. “In the summers I work as an associate at a firm in the Loop.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“What kind of lawyers do you want to be?” I asked.

“A defence attorney,” he smiled. “I like the challenge.”

“I understand that,” I said. “Completely.”

“And if you tell anyone that I wanted to be a lawyer because I watched Legally Blonde with my sister when we were younger then I'll deny it until my dying breath.”

There was a breath, a pause where everything in the world seemed to stop. And then the world began spinning again and I began to laugh.

I laughed so hard that I had to stop the quad stretch we were doing because I lost my balance and almost fell over.

“Ohhhh, my god,” I was trying so hard to catch my breath, but the indignant look Brian was giving me was only adding to my laughter.

“I'm sorry,” I said eventually once I'd calmed down. “I'm sorry,” I said again. “I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I actually really admire it. I just didn't expect it.”

He smirked and we got back to stretching. “I had to spring it on you somehow.”

“You said it knowing that I would laugh,” I gave him a grumpy face. “You said it hoping I would laugh so that you could make me feel bad.”

“No,” he smiled. “Okay, maybe.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “That's diabolical,” I shake my head. “I like it.”

He laughed. “Thanks.”

“Do you enjoy it though?” I asked. I'd had to justify my career choices to a lot of people, so I figured I'd ask if he liked the path he was on.

“I do,” he nodded with a smile. “It's great. It's challenging and--without patting myself on the back--I honestly feel like I'm good at it. It's a lot of work, so much work, but it's fun.”

His face lit up. He really did love it. Without a doubt, he loved it. It made me smile.

“And what about you, Ruby? What do you do?”

“I'm an accountant and business manager for my friend’s small bakery chain,” I switched from stretching my right to my left leg. My right leg was much more flexible. The left hurt. It was clearly tenser than the other.

“You work for a bakery?” He asked.

I nodded as he watched in the mirror. “And in one.”

“Your willpower must be tested every day,” Brian gave me an impressed look.

“My willpower has definitely been put through the hoops,” I agreed. “It's a rigorous daily exercise, which is also why I do rigorous daily exercise.” I smiled.

He laughed.

“I do sneak treats occasionally,” I admitted to him. “And only in moderation. But it's hard,” I shrugged. “Some days are harder than others, too. Depending on what Louis is baking that day.”

“I can't imagine,” he shook his head with a bit of a laugh.

“In all seriousness, my job is pretty great though,” I said. “I get to put my economics degree to some use in a way that doesn't suck out my soul and I get to work with one of my best friends.”

“That does sound pretty amazing,” he nodded. “You're living the dream, Ruby,” he said before showing me back into a warrior pose. Now that I was a little more limber and loose, I felt the stretch pose deeper than I had when I'd tried it alone before.

“So, it seems, are you,” I took a deep breath to settled myself in the stretch, felt it as much as I pushed myself to.

“Yeah, you could say that,” he shrugged, but there was a grin on his face that told me he believed it. His schooling might be rigorous and tiring and never-ending, but he clearly enjoyed it. That was plain as day.

We were silent for a few minutes as we continued to stretch ourselves out side-by-side while we waited for class time to roll around.

Just after pushing into the full cobra position, we both noticed as one of the women from class came into the studio, followed by another, ready to start. Brian nodded at me and we held the stretch for a few moments before he got up and then went to fill up his water bottle.

“Thanks.” When he came back over, I handed back the stretch band I'd used and with a nod back at him, I started to turn away to get ready for class. He grabbed my arm gently to hold me back for a moment.

“Would you do me a favour, Ruby?” He asked. He came close to me and I got the idea that Brian could be intimidating if he tried. He wasn't, not even when he was this close to me, holding me back. His presence wasn't intimidating. Instead, it was comforting.

I'd never had a big brother, but with the stand-ins of Louis, Liam, and Harry I knew just how important they could be. At this moment, even though I didn't know Brian all that well, I felt like he was trying to protect me.

I nodded. “Yeah. Of course.”

“Will you at least consider talking to someone?” I made a face and was about to pull from his grasp when he spoke again.

“I know you don't want to. I know you really don't want to,” his earnest look made me check my breathing and calm down despite my serious distaste for the words he was saying. “But I need you to think about it. I know how much talking to someone--me, her friends, a therapist--helped my sister and I can see how much this is weighing on you.”

I made a face.

“No,” he said. “Don't give me that. I know what you're going to say. I can physically see the difference in you before and after class. I just want what's best for you and I think, despite your hesitation, that talking can help you, Ruby.”

I just took in his words and nodded.

“Okay.”

“Okay, you'll think about it or okay you hate me now?” He asked cautiously.

“Just okay,” I said. “And I don't hate you,” I added.

He nodded and gave me a small, reassuring smile.

“You still plan on keeping my secret then?” He asked.

I laughed, an image of him as Emmett from Legally Blonde popped into my head.

He blushed and narrowed his eyes.

“Your dream of becoming Elle Woods is a secret that is fully safe with me.”

He put both hands over his heart and sighed before signing ‘thank you.’ I gave him a nod.

I went to set up my mat and wait for class to start while thinking over the class itinerary Brian had told me before.

Even with his request, he had successfully lightened my mood. It was then that I realised he was trying to. I was so glad I'd found Brian’s class after what had happened to me.

“Yes, mommy,” I sighed into the phone. It was my sister Mehar’s fall break from school--she was an honour student in her junior year at SLU--and my mother had hijacked the phone call halfway through our conversation.

So now, Mehar was sitting next to her phone that mom had put on speaker, and was watching the conversation. She would have this slightly indignant look on her face, but it would be masked just enough so that mom couldn't call her out for it.

Mom had transitioned from asking me question after question about my eating habits and the weather and my friends to talking about home life, not even trying to be subtle that she was trying to guilt me into coming home to visit.

She was just finishing a story about how my dad was cleaning the gutters and how I needed to remind my landlord to clean mine out as well, otherwise, it would be too late and the weather would turn nasty before they could be cleaned.

To which she’d added that I needed to come home and see just how much work dad had done around the house. I could practically see Mehar sat next to her rolling her eyes.

My parents loved that Mehar was close to home for school. They loved that she planned on staying in St. Louis to become a realtor. They adored that she had never had a long term boyfriend--although they didn't know what I knew, which was that Mehar got around a lot--and that she'd been a model daughter in their eyes our whole lives.

I was a good daughter, did what I was told and then some. Until I decided to go to college far from home. And then decided not to get my master’s degree right away. And then decided to move to Chicago for a job both my parents had deemed beneath me.

My mother would try to guilt me into coming back home to visit in hopes that I would stay. I'd go home once every few months, and if Diwali and Holi corresponded with weekends I would go home for those celebrations, but I wasn't incredibly fond living in St. Louis, wasn't incredibly fond of living any nearer to my parents than I already did.

“I assume you're not coming home for Thanksgiving then,” my mother said now. I could hear the sigh that my mom held back, the one she had at her disposal if she needed it. I could practically see Mehar rolling her eyes. I know I rolled my own eyes at our mother’s tactics.

“I should be able to,” I told my mother now. Mehar and I had rolled our eyes because this was the third year in a row that we’d gone through this routine of mom continually asking me if I was going to make it home for said holiday--months in advance.

“I'll have to take a plane. I just have to figure out if I can get there late Wednesday night or if I’ll need to leave early Thursday morning instead. I’ll have to fly back out late Thursday either way though.”

I finally got up from my spot on my counter and pulled out my tub of vegan ice cream. I just wanted a spoonful or two after a long day. Between kickboxing this morning, work, and Brian’s class and now the phone call with my mother? I definitely needed something, and I reserved my whiskey drinking for the weekends alone.

I didn't want to break that just because my mom had started in on the holiday guilt early.

“I have a hard time believing that your boss can’t handle the store for four days without you, Ruby.”

And there it was. Louis transitioned from my friend that mom had asked me about before to ‘my boss’ and my mother’s tone was as bitter as it was clear. I bit my tongue and hit my forehead against my fridge door before I moved to grab a spoon and jumped back up to my spot.

“Well, I’ll work all that weekend,” I told her. This was the third year in a row I was having this conversation. It felt like I was reading from a script at this point. The same words, but I’d maybe change it around a bit each time so as not to sound too repetitive and impersonal.

“I’ll have that Monday and Tuesday off instead because of the holiday rush,” I explained. “People get together the day before Thanksgiving, people get together that weekend. It’s one of our busiest times, and with all of the other holidays right around the corner, I’ll fall behind if I don’t keep up. It’s not that Louis can’t run the bakeries alone, mommy, it’s that I can’t fall behind.”

She sighed and I heard a rustling in the background, probably Mehar shuffling uncomfortably because she’d been forced to listen to this. She couldn’t risk her unlocked phone falling into our mom’s hands though, so she had to stay put and stand watch over it.

“I can come home for a few days in December,” I said now. My mother hadn’t bothered responding to my explanation so I took it upon myself to keep the conversation going. “I’ll be home from the 25th to the 30th,” I added.

“Okay,” my mother said now.

I knew by the clipped tone that she was done with that part of the conversation. Disappointed in the circumstances and by extension me for having chosen these circumstances for myself.

“I have to go fold the laundry now,” my mom said. She followed that up with a quick, “Main tumhe pyaar kartii huun,” and I heard her leave the room before I could say ‘I love you too’ back.

Mehar picked up her phone and I heard her whisper, “One moment.”

I heard an open and then close of a door and before I heard her say anything else.

“She’s been in a mood,” Mehar said now.

“But you're home,” I said confused before I shoved some ice cream into my mouth.

“She was in a mood before I got home,” she groaned. “I walked in the door and she started in on me for my hair not being washed and for my nail polish being all chipped. She even poked my stomach and made a tutting noise and walked off mumbling how I’d never find a husband if I keep eating like I do. Ruby, I’ve lost weight since I’ve last seen her. And then she and dad made some comments about how you’re not seeing anyone and they’d be lucky if either of us ever got married and they could be rid of us. … I just want to go back to school and I only got home yesterday.”

“Hang in there, Me,” I took another spoonful of my ice cream and waved the spoon around a bit, gesturing with my hands as I spoke even though she couldn’t see me.

“You know how mom gets. She’ll be all conflicted about you being home so she’ll come off as brash and rude and then once you leave she’ll be sad and upset that you don’t visit more and that she never gets enough time with you.”

“It would help if you were here,” my sister said now, and I hear the longing in her tone, undisguised. “You always know what to say.”

“Or I just take all the attention away from you,” I countered her point. “I would be getting the same treatment as you if I were there. You would be spared, though because they can only focus on one of us at a time, apparently.”

“Well, I’m sure mom’s riveting conversation about the gutters being cleaned has really instilled a yearning within you to return home,” she laughed.

I closed the carton beside me and laughed with her. “She is trying her hardest to get me home.”

“She’s only succeeding in pushing you away,” she said.

“She's not pushing me anywhere. I like where I am. I'm not running from anywhere and I'm not running to anywhere. I'm happy where I am, Me.”

“I get that,” Mehar said now. “I am happy for you, Ruby, even if I miss you.”

There's a pause where I thought of saying something along the same lines back to her, but she started talking again. “Also, I know you won't tell mom if you are, but have you been seeing anyone?” She asked now, her voice all high pitched with hope.

Immediately I thought of Niall and just as soon as his image flashed in my mind I banished it and shook my head, almost as if I was physically trying to remove it from where it had popped up without my consent.

“No,” I told her. “Not seeing anyone.”

“Oh come on, Ruby,” my sister complained. “You can tell me!”

“Oh, just like you tell me,” I countered.

“I tell you things.”

“That's bull, Mehar. You don't tell me crap about the boys you go with. I find out because you post stories on social media that you probably shouldn't but are too drunk to care about at the time.”

“It's not my fault you don't use any social media!” She countered. “How else am I supposed to find things out about you?”

“I don't know, maybe ask me?”

“I am asking you,” She pointed out. “You're not telling me.”

I laughed at that. “Fair point,” I gave her that win. She deserved it.

“Alright,” I said. “What do you want to know?”

“You're really not seeing anyone?” She asked.

“I'm really not,” I told her.

“Okay,” there was a pause while she thought of more. “Wait, not even Louis? I mean, from what I've seen, Ruby? He's gorgeous.”

I made a gagging sound. “No, no, no, nope. Not even a little bit, okay? No. Ew. Please don't bring him up again in that context. Ever.” I bit back my vomit.

“So, no?” She asked, just to get a rise out of me.

“No.”

“Okay,” I heard her inhale deeply. “Well, have you thought about using dating apps?”

I thought of Cleo's latest misadventure and shuddered.

“I've thought about it, but I don't know. I'm not really that fond of the idea. I'll keep an open mind though if I do decide to use one.”

“I think they're great,” she said.

“I know you do,” I smiled ruefully to myself.

“Hey, I'm living life, having fun, doing whatever the fork I feel like, Ruby. I like sex,” her voice lowered when she said that last part. “Sue me for it.”

“I can't. I like that you're comfortable with yourself.”

“Thank you,” her voice lifted and I could hear the pride. “So you'll think about it? I don't like that you're up there all alone.”

“I'm not alone,” I defended myself. “I have friends.”

“It's not the same, Ruby.”

“You wouldn't know, Me. You don't really have any one either,” I countered. It was harsh, but my sister was not the kind of person to get offended easily.

“Fair, but I still don't spend my nights alone, either,” she said. I could hear the implications of her tone even if I didn't need to in order to understand.

“Right,” I nodded.

“So anything else new?”

It was then that I realized this was the first time I'd talked to my sister since my attack.

“Nothing,” I lied easily to her. Maybe it was the added bonus of it being a phone call, or maybe it was the three weeks I had spent lying to my friends that made it easier. “Literally nothing new.”

“That sounds fun,” I could hear the disgusted tone in her voice.

“Oh come off it,” I groaned. “I do things and go places. I hang out with friends. I have a life, but it's not like I took a trip to Europe or went to see a Broadway musical and kept it from you. I don't really have anything big going on right now.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Mehar admitted.

“Yeah?” I asked rhetorically. “That's kind of what being an adult is about. Big things for me are when I discover a sale on cute dresses at that one independent store I love on the Mag Mile or when I get to Lakeshore early enough to get a spot to hang my hammock and spend the whole day just relaxing.”

“I have to admit, both of those things do sound pretty big,” I honestly couldn't tell if Mehar was teasing me or not at that point. Which was saying something; I knew my little sister pretty well.

“I don't need your sarcasm,” I got up off my counter and put away the tub of ice cream and then, after putting my spoon in the dishwasher, I flicked the light off in my kitchen and went to my bedroom where I flopped backward onto my bed.

“I'm not being sarcastic,” Mehar said. “I do need to go though. I'm going to meet up with Ashley and Nicola after once mom and dad fall asleep and I have to start getting ready.”

“Ohhhhh, sneaking out,” I tutted. “I see not much has changed.”

“What they don't know won't hurt them,” She sang right back to me in a singsong voice. “I'll talk to you later, Ruby! I love you.”

“I love you too, Me,” I said back and then I heard the phone beep.

I was lying in bed for a bit after the call ended.

My parents and I had a good relationship despite the strain of recent years. Until I went to college we'd had a wonderful relationship and I knew they were proud of me, but it would be nice to hear them say it once in a while.

It's not that I disliked time with my parents now. It was just that it tended to add stress to my life. I do love both of them, and nothing beats my mom's homemade samosas and eating a pile of them around the table with my sister, or sitting on the front porch reading and watching my dad meticulously mow the front lawn so that each line was perfectly straight.

I didn't necessarily want them to find out about my sister's nightlife, either because that wouldn't do either of us any good. Maher in a bad light would not colour me any brighter. It would only taint both of us.

I got up and while I was brushing my teeth I went down and checked that all my doors were locked. I sunk into my bed and felt the exhaustion seeping into me, my bones when my phone buzzed.

Cleo was asking the group if we were going to meet up this weekend and what we should do. It could wait until morning. I wanted to take advantage of my exhaustion and my clear head, the clear head that came from going to my self-defence class. I couldn't risk lying awake half the night tonight.

I turned off my ringer and went to sleep.

[freudianshade]

So I watched Logan...

...and BOY was it a raucous good time! AMIRITE? AMIRITE?????

*ugly cries as she continues typing*

Anyway. Ahem. More of my thoughts under the cut.

So I have always been interested in the X-23 storyline. If you don’t know, well now you know because I’m going to tell you, X-23 was a mutant created from the genetics of Wolverine. She was raised in a lab, deprived of love or human intimacy, and trained to be nothing more than a killing machine. There’s something very inherently tragic and sad about a person forced to grow up this way. I think there’s something very compelling when you decide to tell the story of X-23 (Laura Kinney) and how she eventually learns to relate to her “father,” a man who struggles with his own humanity.

Logan tells the story of Laura but changes it to fit an altered retelling of the Old Man Logan storyline. In this new world order of 2029, mutants are all but extinct and an evil scientist (aren’t they always?) has been growing mutant children in Mexican women in order to train them to be weapons. It is implied in this story that the Mexican surrogates are then disposed of in their own gruesome, dehumanizing ways. Dr. Rice, the man behind the plan, reveals later on that he was also the reason why mutants stopped being born. He poisoned the food supply with transgenetic corn syrup.

Halfway through his monologuing Logan shoots him square in the face. 

Because smart people are morons and evil scientists are megalomaniacs who will tell any and everyone about their stupid master plans, even if it means giving the hero enough time to kill them. It was pretty hilarious. 

Logan was like that throughout its lengthy two hour runtime. I honestly didn’t notice how long the film was because I was so gripped by it the entire time. Seriously. I was so into this movie. This film had me invested in every damn character from the big players to the brilliant Stephen Merchant as Caliban and that poor farming family who were just trying to pay it forward. It vacillated unexpectedly from character drama to laugh out loud ridiculousness, and I enjoyed every minute. The film had everything I love about action movies. Deeply felt character beats, heroics steeped in real pathos, creatively choreographed stupidly bloody violence, and kick as women. Well, little girls in this case. 

Logan might, superficially, make people think of DC in its melodrama but unlike the DC films, Logan has earned your empathy and your tears. DC tries to trick it out of you with contrived conflict, but Wolverine and the man who has played Wolverine for nearly 2 decades (my God has it been a long time) has built a relationship with his audience and deserved the tears I begrudgedly shed. I mean. Can you guys believe Hugh Jackman has played this character for this long? In all the years he’s been playing this character, I think Logan is his finest performance. It’s unfortunate that voting bodies don’t take action films seriously because Jackman turned in a truly award winning performance. You feel Logan’s fatigue, his absolute weariness at still being alive, with every word. You see it in his face. His fight scenes are visceral. This is the Wolverine we fans have been wanting since 2000 when that first X-Men movie came out. 

Logan’s R-rating means that we can finally see the carnage those claws can cause. People lose limbs. Blood is everywhere. There is a scene in which Laura literally decapitates a dude and throws his head to her enemies as a warning of what she’ll do to the rest of them. It’s magical because it is so terrifying and so absolutely ridiculous that it shocks the laughter out of you. 

Laura as a character is just pitch perfect. She was raised to be a killing machine and in that sense she is an absolute animal. She kills with screams of rage. She crawls on people, stabs them without flinching, and is both precise and deadly. The sheer violence she is capable of exacting is so preposterous sometimes that I really just could not stop laughing. Yet she is also just a child. You see how she looks at people and things with curiosity. You see how she longs for caring human interaction, how she longs for Logan to be a father to her. You see her confusion about who she is as a person and what her place could be in this world. She behaves in bursts, responding on the defense rather than the offense. Her violence comes from rage and self defense. when Logan sees her in action for the first time you know that it’s not just surprise at seeing another mutant. It’s terror at seeing this little girl reflecting back to him the animal he is always fighting within himself. Laura, after all, is not truly an animal. She is a human child forced to respond with primal instincts because the world she has been forced to live in gave her no other choice. Like Logan, she was hobbled from the start.

When Laura comes to be in his care, Logan is forced to confront his own shortcomings as a human being. There is his inability to provide intimacy. There is his absolute crippling fear of closeness both out of fear for himself and out of fear for those he chooses to love. How can he be a father to her when he doesn’t even know how to love himself? How can he teach her to be a better person when he’s a piece of shit? 

There is a part in the film where Logan, Charles, and Laura share a dinner with a family on their farm. Charles asks Logan to pause and just feel what it’s like to be in a place where people love each other, where they feel safe. Logan refuses, but in his last breaths he finally allows himself to feel that with Laura, and it is gut wrenching. The other children look on and you have to wonder. Are they sad for her? And are they perhaps a little bit jealous? After all, Laura may have just lost her father but at least she was lucky enough to spend even the smallest amount of time with him. The others have nothing. 

Professor X is another fantastic standout in this film. You know that Patrick Stewart was going to be able to handle whatever drama was required of him, but he was absolutely hilarious and tragic as the 90-years plus Xavier dying of some unknown degenerative brain disorder, refusing to take his medication, and nagging Logan with every breath. The film begs us to wonder: if the most powerful psychic mutant in the world suddenly lost control of his mind, what would that look like? Well. It’s pretty terrifying and also kind of funny. Charles has outlived nearly all of his protege. He is bitter, guilt ridden, and living from day-to-day moving from self-awareness to a foggy denial. When Laura comes on his radar, he knows this is a chance to do something good one last time. 

Logan knows it too and he is tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of living. Tired of everything. 

As a side note, that poor family’s blood is totally on Charles’s hands. He just HAD to stay for fucking dinner. Like. If they’d just kept going they would still be alive. Logan should’ve made them both shut up and kept driving. For fuck’s sake.

Another standout was Fabio Wolverine. Dr. Rice created another Wolverine (because he is the most popular mutant I guess or whatever) and that Wolverine is still firing on all cylinders and has slicked back guido hair for some reason. It’s eerie watching him face off with the real deal. Logan now greyed, dying, poisoned by his metal skeleton, and decomposing is unable to defeat himself in that final battle. The film closes out Jackman’s truly epic career as one of the most beloved comic book heroes with pointed finality. It’s funny to think that years back, people doubted Jackman could play Logan. Now we couldn’t imagine anyone else in the role.

If Jackman is truly serious and this is his last appearance as James Howlett, then this is probably also the last we’ll see of Wolverine for a very long time. Well, at least a MALE Wolverine. I’d be pretty excited for a stand alone Laura driven Wolverine film where she takes up Logan’s mantle. WE NEED MORE FEMALE DRIVEN ACTION FLICKS. As for another James Howlett Wolverine? There is no way you could hire someone else to play the character, not with a swan song like that. We’ve definitely said good-bye to an era and while it wasn’t always the best, this final film certainly gave Jackman the send off he deserved.

[susangkomengreaternyc]

What We Learned at the 2018 Long Island Metastatic Breast Cancer Conference

In partnership with Northwell Health, Komen NYC continued the MBC conversation at the first annual Long Island Metastatic Breast Cancer Conference. Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell hosted the day of learning, fellowship and the most current information on treatments, research trials, patient support and national issues related to stage IV breast cancer. 

In order to fully grasp where we are today in understanding, preventing and treating metastatic breast cancer, it’s important to first think about how far we’ve come. According to Dr. George Raptis, member of the Breast Cancer Disease Management Team of Northwell Health Cancer Institute, the advancements in this field are a result of three major areas: patient advocacy, an increase in funding (including government funding for the National Cancer Institute), and innovations in biotechnology. Still, metastatic breast cancer is responsible for most of the nation’s 41,000 breast cancer deaths per year. “We’ve come so far but not far enough,” he says.

Susan G. Komen’s Focus on Metastatic Breast Cancer

“We all rise together,” says Linda Tantawi, reiterating her position from NYMBCC that Komen’s partnerships across Long Island and the Greater New York City area are critical in increasing the overall life for the stage IV community. Across the country, Komen is dedicated to helping the Stage IV community access relevant information and funding important research. Learn more about the enterprise-wide actions Komen is taking to address the needs of MBC patients.

Morning Keynote Speaker, Antoinette Martin

Community, Courage, and Cancer

As a way to cope with the fear, nausea and pain induced by her breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, Antoinette began journaling her feelings and struggles and then emailing the people who loved her - the people she called My Everyone. “Writing allowed me to practice the words I couldn’t speak,” she says. A self-proclaimed ‘wimp’ soon became a beacon  of courage for herself and others.

These journals and emails supported and illuminated Antoinette’s daily life, but it’s what she learned by looking back on her writings that taught her the most. Her memoir, Hug Everyone You Know: A Year of Community, Courage, and Cancer, outlines these lessons:

Hug Your Everyone - don’t shy away from your loved ones

“Miraculously, the sky doesn’t fall when you ask for help!”

Express Your Soul - write, sing, meditate, exercise

“Do something that speaks to your soul.”

Laugh Every Day - it’s medicinal

“Laughter brings terror to its knees.”

Trust Your Gut

“I realized that my gut always knows the answer before I do!”

Don’t Own Your Cancer - it doesn’t define you

“It’s not MY cancer.”

Morning Panel - Clinical Trials: Nuts, Bolts and Myths

From side effects to dosage to efficacy, clinical trials are so important because of the knowledge gained at all 3 phases. In fact, Nancy Nahmias, BA, CCRA, says “most of you [in the room] take drugs approved as a result of clinical trials.” Dr. George Raptis and Dr. Robert Maki, Chief Scientific Officer at Northwell Health Cancer Institute and Director of the Center for New Cancer Therapies at Monter Cancer Center, Northwell Health, and Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory agreed that clinical trials help patients get access to useful drugs earlier.

“You’re not a guinea pig. You’re a person, a patient, and you’re part of the solution.” -Dr. Raptis on the role of clinical trial participants

If you or a loved one needs information or resources about clinical trials, call our clinical trial information helpline at 1-877-465-6636 or email clinicaltrialinfo@komen.org.

WATCH: Morning Panel on Clinical Trials: Nuts, Bolts and Myths

Triple Negative Breakout Session

As precision therapy becomes increasingly more available, researchers are working to find specific targets in all types of cancers. This is particularly hard to do with triple negative The key takeaway from Dr. Kit Cheng, Director of Fellowship at Northwell Health Hematology-Oncology program, is  that there is no “right” treatment for all patients, making it that much more important to “trust your gut to see what’s what.”

ER+ Breakout Session

Imagine every cancer cell has a baseball glove inside of it that catches estrogen. Once it’s caught, the estrogen increases and goes into the nucleus, or center, of the cancer cell, sits on the DNA and starts the production of certain proteins that start a certain behavior in the cancer cell. That’s the estrogen receptor. Dr. Raptis explains that if we can stop this production of certain proteins, we can treat cancer. So what’s holding us back? Well, one thing we know for sure about cancer is that it’s heterogeneous and constantly changing, so definitely consider rebiopsying a tumor to determine the best treatment plan, just like the advice Dr. Borgen gave at NYMBCC.  

WATCH: Breakout Session on ER+ with Dr. George Raptis Part 1 and Part 2

HER2 Positive Breakout Session

People are living longer with metastatic diagnoses, making it hopefully one day seem more like a chronic illness. "Yes you may have mets, but that is likely not what you are going to die from," says Dr. Jane Carleton, Associate Chief of Clinical Affairs at Northwell Health Cancer Institute at the Monter Cancer Center. But it’s critical to know what drives a cancer and what its characteristics are so you can treat, manage and monitor it effectively. Dr. Carleton calls Herceptin the “gold standard” for HER2 Positive because of its efficacy and because you can add other therapies to it based on clinical trial combinations. For example, the CLEOPATRA  trial found that dual targeting with the monoclonal antibodies pertuzumab and trastuzumab (aka Herceptin) plus chemotherapy increased median survival.

Bone Mets Breakout Session

While radiation is more precise than ever, we still limit its usage based on where tumors are located. Theoretically, we could use radiation every time to kill the cancer, but it would cause so many other issues that it might not be worth it. So how do you choose between quantity vs. quality of life? Dr. May Lim, full time attending and faculty member in the Department of Radiation Medicine at the Center for Advanced Medicine, says it’s all about individualized care. Before suggesting radiation, she asks herself, “What is the best sequence of treatment for this particular patient?” Dr. Carleton agrees that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. She suggests looking at your options not only for treatments, but also the frequency of treatments. For example, maybe your cancer is under control or stable, so your doctor suggests you go from getting radiation once a month to once every 3 months to once every 6 months.  

WATCH: Breakout Session on Bone Mets with Drs. Lim and Carleton

MBC in Older Women Breakout Session

Age may be just a number, but in many cases, it can determine the kind of treatment a patient receives. It’s not just about how old you are. According to Dr. Vincent Vinciguerra, Director of Medical Oncology and Hematology at North Shore University Hospital and a Professor at the Donald and Barbara Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell, and Dr. Cheng, someone may walk into their office who is 70 years old, but physiologically, they are closer to 90 years old, and vice versa. Because chronological age is different from physiological age, treatments may differ.

Breast Cancer & Neurological Metastasis Breakout Session

One of the main reasons it’s harder to treat cancer that has spread to the brain is because the size of therapies are often too large to get through the blood/brain barrier, so the next step in improving treatment will be finding smaller molecular therapies that are able to cross this barrier. Dr. Deborah Gruber, co-Director of the Brain Tumor Center at Northwell Health, and Dr. Beatrice Bloom, one of the Center of Excellence leaders for gynecological malignancies at CFAM and Vice Chair for Radiation Medicine, explain that just because a tumor is inoperable in the brain does not mean that the same type of tumor will be inoperable in other locations.

Afternoon Panel - Managing Life with Cancer

Metastatic breast cancer patients are more than just patients, they’re people. While the day started with interesting discussions and scientific jargon, the afternoon panel focused on how to live life with your diagnosis, not as your diagnosis. Here's what our panelists had to say: 

Nutrition

Don’t forget to wash your fruits & veggies! Antonella Apicella, MS, RD, CDN says that food safety is really important for patients because it decreases the risk of infection and foodborne illnesses.

Rehabilitation and Wellness 

Exercise is important before, during and after cancer treatments. “I believe in 10 years’ time, an oncologist will prescribe exercise as part of a patient’s treatment plan,” says Dr. Susan Maltser, Director of Cancer Rehabilitation at Northwell Health. For cancer patients, she recommends 150 minutes of moderate intensity exercise a week.

Managing Work and Career 

In addition to financial security and medical benefits, many patients want to keep working because of the social aspect it provides. Just make sure you’re aware of the resources available to you. Heather Rottmund, MHA, CPRW explains that “You can request a reasonable accommodation during any aspect of employment.”

Supportive Care 

Supportive and palliative care should be key components of a cancer patient’s treatment plan. “We need to work with nurses in an interdisciplinary way to make sure we help patients feel good during and after treatment,” says Dr. James D’Olimpio, Director of Supportive/Palliative Oncology and leader of the Cancer Pain and Symptom Control Service at North Shore University Hospital.

WATCH: Afternoon Panel on Managing Life with Cancer

And just like that, the first annual Long Island Metastatic Breast Cancer Conference came to an end!

Thank you to everyone who attended the conference or followed along online! And to our partners at Northwell Health and sponsors at Pfizer Oncology, we couldn’t have done it without you.

Special thanks to our panelists:

Antonella Apicella, MS RD, CDN

Dr. Beatrice Bloom

Dr. Jane Carleton

Dr. Kit Cheng

Dr. James D’Olimpio

Dr. Deborah Gruber

Dr. May Lim

Dr. Robert Maki

Dr. Susan Maltser

Antoinette Martin

Nancy Nahmias, BA, CCRA

Dr. George Raptis

Heather M. Rottmund, MHA, CPRW

Dr. Vincent Vinciguerra

It seems only appropriate to close this blog post with the same inspiring words that Linda Tantawi closed the day with: “The most important thing for this community is hope – I hope you learned something new and I hope to see you next year!”