#plus hair has always been an important part of my gender recognition (and is for a lot of trans women in general)

[neverendingford]

hardwood comb project

I forgor to buy a lighter colored wood for the spine/core so I can't keep working on it tonight cause all I've got is the walnut.

[une-nuit-pour-se-souvenir]

random thoughts on jon connington’s chapters

The last time I read this was over four years and  I had a different take on Aegon, so I was curious to see on what changed with a second read.

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The Lost Lord  ~ ADWD

Sansa and Aegon

Alayne II (Sansa II) ~ AFFC

When Robert dies, Harry the Heir becomes Lord Harrold, Defender of the Vale and Lord of the Eyrie. Jon Arryn's bannermen will never love me, nor our silly, shaking Robert, but they will love their Young Falcon . . . and when they come together for his wedding, and you come out with your long auburn hair, clad in a maiden's cloak of white and grey with a direwolf emblazoned on the back . . . why, every knight in the Vale will pledge his sword to win you back your birthright."

The Lost Lord ~ ADWD

"We have gone to great lengths to keep Prince Aegon hidden all these years," Lemore reminded him. "The time will come for him to wash his hair and declare himself, I know, but that time is not now. Not to a camp of sellswords." (...)

"The plan was to reveal Prince Aegon only when we reached Queen Daenerys," Lemore was saying." (...)

The prince wore sword and dagger, black boots polished to a high sheen, a black cloak lined with blood-red silk. With his hair washed and cut and freshly dyed a deep, dark blue, his eyes looked blue as well. At his throat he wore three huge square-cut rubies on a chain of black iron, a gift from Magister Illyrio. Red and black. Dragon colors. That was good. "You look a proper prince," he told the boy. (...)

Sansa and Aegon are supposed to reveal themselves by washing the dye out of their hair and wearing their house colours, in an event that involves a wedding with someone that will facilitate claiming their birthright.

However, Aegon said “fuck that bitch Danerys” and getting married, revealed himself somewhat (to the Golden Company higher-ups only) wearing his house colours and went back to Westeros to reclaim his birthright on his own, unware that his cousin from his mother’s side is coming to him to offer aid in the war.. Aegon washing his hair of the blue dye and doning his armour will only happen wieh he sets foot in Westeros.

Likewise, we can draw a parallel scenario for Sansa and considering the “Sansa is grey girl who flees from a marriage” it all fits, Like Aegon, Sansa syas “fuck that bitch blonde Bobby B Harry and getting married, like Aegon she wears a grey cloak, and like Aegon she’ll be meeting her cousin and eventually claim her birthright.

I somehow doubt Sansa will be getting an army that soon, but in the show she got the Wildlings (via Jon, who can be seen as “sellsword” type of warriors) and the Vale army. In the books, there’s the mountain clans both in the Vale (loyal to Tyrion, whom she’s married to) and the north mountain clans (those that protected Bran because he is Ned’s son and joined Stannis also because of Ned and his daughter).

Another thing of note is Aegon ended up cutting his hair but dyed blue once more, so this may be true for Sansa as well. She may cut it shorter (a parallel to her sister Arya as well) but keep dying it for awhile still. Such, she may reach the Wall and meet Jon as a brunette (a parallel to Jeyne Poole as well as  Alys Karstark).  ETA: Likewise Aegon only revealing himself by washing his hair and doning his armour when he invades Westeros (his birthright), Sansa may only wash her hair and done her armour when the northern campaign starts.

Regardless, This is a smart choice because...

Cersei IV ~ ADWD

The queen bristled. "I most certainly have not forgotten that little she-wolf." She refused to say the girl's name. "I ought to have shown her to the black cells as the daughter of a traitor, but instead I made her part of mine own household. She shared my hearth and hall, played with my own children. I fed her, dressed her, tried to make her a little less ignorant about the world, and how did she repay me for my kindness? She helped murder my son. When we find the Imp, we will find the Lady Sansa too. She is not dead . . . but before I am done with her, I promise you, she will be singing to the Stranger, begging for his kiss."

The Lost Lord ~ ADWD

"His because they're bought and paid for. Ten thousand armed strangers, plus hangers-on and camp followers. All it takes is one to bring us all to ruin. If Hugor's head was worth a lord's honors, how much will Cersei Lannister pay for the rightful heir to the Iron Throne? You do not know these men, my lord. It has been a dozen years since you last rode with the Golden Company, and your old friend is dead."

Cersei’s attention on Aegon is also a parallel to Cersei’s attention to Sansa, interestingly enough Tyrion is mentioned in both instances. Cersei’s attention on Sansa also come attached with the “singing the Stranger for a kiss”, which is interesting because if “Sansa is the Grey Girl” theory holds to, the guy she’s running to for protection is in fact.... dead or close to (the Stranger is their god and in the show... the episode was aplty named, the Book of the Stranger).

The bells tolled for all of us that day. For Aerys and his queen, for Elia of Dorne and her little daughter, for every true man and honest woman in the Seven Kingdoms. And for my silver prince. (...)

He had grown fond of Lemore, but that did not mean he required her approval. Her task had been to instruct the prince in the doctrines of the Faith, and she had done that. No amount of prayer would put him on the Iron Throne, however. That was Griff's task. He had failed Prince Rhaegar once. He would not fail his son. 

Let me live long enough to see the boy sit the Iron Throne, and Varys will pay for that slight and so much more. Then we'll see who's soon forgotten.

I grant that the obsession that Jon Connington has for Rhaegar Targaryen is milder and more honourable, compared to the obsession Littlefinger has for Catelyn Tully, but the fact is this is yet another parallel between Sansa and Aegon. They both have mentors with an unhealthy obsession with one of their parents and hate the other, which they project onto the kids. Last, but not least, both mentors are passing off as parents of the children while they remain disguised under a false indentiy.

However, as Sansa will have to run from Littlefinger’s toxic shadow, I suspect Aegon will do much the same. I have suspicions. Sansa escaped Littlefinger because of Jon, as he took the role of protection. No matter how people see the ship, the fact is Jon is a lot like Ned V2 (at least, that’s how Littlefinger will see it and he hated the man) but the truth is Jon is Ned’s nephew and Sansa’s cousin from his mother’s side.

Likewise, Aegon is about to meet Arianne Martell, who’s the niece of his mother Elia Martell, which makes them cousins from his mother’s side. Elia Martell, whom Jon Connington... hates, often speculated in fact that he was in love with Rhaegar Targaryen himself. The symmetry of all this, not only the mentor’s obsession with the children but also the love / hate hey have for their parents.

Connington’s wish to see Aegon crowned and the giant chip he has on his shoulder for not being recognised. For the former, I have not found any reference to Littlefinger wanting to sit the Iron Throne in the books, but this was basically his goal in the show. To be king with Sansa by his side. For the latter, well that’s the drive of his character, he’s a social climber seeking recognition.

Sansa VII ~ ASOS

I will tell my aunt that I don't want to marry Robert. Not even the High Septon himself could declare a woman married if she refused to say the vows. She wasn't a beggar, no matter what her aunt said. She was thirteen, a woman flowered and wed, the heir to Winterfell.

The Lost Lord ~ ADWD

"Why should I go running to my aunt  [implied marriage] as if I were a beggar? My claim is better than her own. Let her come to me … in Westeros." 

Eh. Same energy. They are not beggars and they know their birthright, they will not be forced to marry someone they don’t want to to facilitate it.

----

TL;DR: I think these concurrence between Sansa and Aegon suggest that Aegon is real, but also glimpse into their characters beyond their toxic mentors and their ascencion to power. It will be interesting to watch their common points in future events, even if by the fact that they’re different genders and that makes PLENTY of difference in ASOIAF.

Jon and Aegon

Jon II ~ ASOS

A few tents were still standing on the far side of the camp, and it was there they found Mance Rayder. Beneath his slashed cloak of black wool and red silk he wore black ringmail and shaggy fur breeches, and on his head was a great bronze-and-iron helm with raven wings at either temple. Jarl was with him, and Harma the Dogshead; Styr as well, and Varamyr Sixskins with his wolves and his shadowcat.

The Lost Lord ~ ADWD

The prince wore sword and dagger, black boots polished to a high sheen, a black cloak lined with blood-red silk. With his hair washed and cut and freshly dyed a deep, dark blue, his eyes looked blue as well. At his throat he wore three huge square-cut rubies on a chain of black iron, a gift from Magister Illyrio. Red and black. Dragon colors. That was good. "You look a proper prince," he told the boy. (...)

I personally ignored Aegon because I started with the show and didn’t know he was a (living) character until I read the books. I wasn’t even all that convinced he’d be particularly important. So I always looked at Jon’s interactions with Mance (associated with black + red) as "preparation” for Jon’s internactions with Daniella.

Hoewver, that changed when show!Cersei took over some of book!Aegon role: sitting on the Iron Throne, the Golden Company, and loved over Daniella in the last to final episode. It seems to me now that Mance can also (at the very least if not all) be seen as “preparation” for Jon’s interactions Aegon. As said, Mance  dresss in a black and red cloak which associates him with Targs, the cloak being “copied” by Aegon. Mance united the notorious “give no fucks about authority) wildlings under one idea (run from the Others), while Aegon united a sellsword compay (sellswords are untrustworthty).

Moreover, it’s my conviction that Jon and Aegon are probably going to war against each other for a time (this is illustrated by what I believe are their respective dragons and a natural consequence if Aegon sits in King’s Landing while the Starks declare Northern Indepdencen), until they sommehow make peace (in case of Mance and Jon it was because of the Others, but for Jon and Aegon it could be their fire counterart, Danerys).

TL;DR: I think these vague connections between Mance and Aegon are rather interesting and may be “preparation” for Jon and Aegon’s intereactons will involve war AND peace. Interestingly, Connington’s next chapter feaures battle.

[khadij-al-kubra]

I’m Still Here (a songfic oneshot)

Pairing: None (maybe Moxiety if you squint)

Characters: (Human AU) Virgil, Logan, Patton, Roman, Dr. Picani, Duncan (Deceit), Jamal, Dariana, Alma (OC)

Warnings: mentions of considered suicide, self hate, abandonment

Summary: A year ago, Vigil couldn’t have imagined himself being alive, let alone accepted as he was and happy. But here we was, and on the anniversary of the day he decided to start truly living, he plans to show it to his little corner of the world.

Author’s Note: Hey friends! I’ve had this idea in mind for a while and really just wanted to get it out there. I’ve always loved the film Treasure Planet and the main song from it, but it wasn’t until recently when I heard the song again that I realized it could tell another kind of story. I tried to do as much justice as possible but I am not myself trans or part of the lgbt community. So if I got anything wrong or could’ve done anything better please let me know. As always feel free to leave a comment in the messages or reply if you have any notes or constructive critiques. I’m always open to writing advice. Enjoy! 

AO3

Knowing who you are and coming to terms with it is one thing. Actually getting to be who you truly are without fear and loving yourself is a whole other, much harder thing. As far back as he could remember Virgil had always known two things about himself with absolute intuitive certainty: that he was an anxious mess and that he was a boy. Even without being consciously aware of what gender was specifically, he always felt that way on the inside. It wasn’t until he was five or six and his mom kept forcing him to wear too tight pigtails and poofy dresses that he realized the rest of the world didn’t see him that way; that his outside didn’t match the inside. He hated it and himself.

As he got older he allowed himself small acts of defiance. He insisted on wearing pants when he could and cut his long black hair short. He always insisted on people calling him ‘V’ instead of ‘Victoria.’ His parents weren’t trilled about their child being an introverted sarcastic tomboy that played guitar all day instead of a polite, sweet, studious young lady, but they still loved him. Or rather, they loved Victoria. Virgil learned to hide who he really was, got good at keeping quiet and playing the part as long as it kept his parents happy and himself safe. It was a miserable time in his life. He hated his body, hated his mind, and hated himself; that he longed to have the simple luxury of being his true self, knowing it was impossible. One day, Virgil decided he didn’t want to live this way anymore.

That had been two years ago.

“Yo, Virgil! You still with us man?” Jamal asked, breaking Virgil out of his thoughts.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry ‘bout that dude,” he said to the keyboard player.

“No worries. You just don’t usually get all spaced out like that during rehearsals.”

“Guess I’m trying to channel my inner Ziggy Stardust,” Virgil said, smirking at his band mate.

“That’s not exactly our usual sound,” said their drummer Dariana. She was sitting in Jamal’s lap, lightly scratching the back of her boyfriend’s fro. “But hey, I guess it kind of works for this particular song.”

“Just make sure your head stays in the music,” Duncan droned as he adjusted the strings on his bass. “After all, you’re the one who insisted we do a cover of this song for the talent show instead of one of our own songs. Or begged is more like it.”

“Easy Duncan,” Jamal warned the other musician. “I’d like to get through one rehearsal without you two going at each other.”

“I’m just saying the talent show is this Friday. If our fearless leader is going to make us learn a whole new song in so short a time,” Duncan threw daggers at Virgil with his brown and green eyes, “the least he can do is stay focused during rehearsal.”

Virgil fought the urge to hiss at the Nirvana t-shirt clad teen. The guy was a sarcastic snake in the grass at times, but there was no denying his musical skills. He was an important part of the band, so he tried to keep the peace most days. And to be fair, he wasn’t wrong in this instance. Virgil has been so adamant for them all to learn this song in time for the school talent show. The least he could do was put 110% of his focus into practice.

“Yeah, yeah. I gotcha. No more daydreaming ‘till we’re done.” Virgil promised.

“And hey! We’ve nearly got it finished,” said Dariana as she returned to her drum set. “And it’s only taken, what, three hours?”

Virgil smirked at her subtle call-out to him. He knew she was tired, as was he. Still, his anxiety at possibly being off key or hitting a sour note the night of the show made him push them all to practice even more than usual. This performance was too important to him.

“Alright, let’s pick it back up from the bridge, run through the song two more times and then we’ll call it quits.” said Virgil.

“After we do our ritual for good luck,” Jamal said. “It is the night of the full moon. Gotta get as much of that good energy as we can from Gaia.”

“Of course,” said Virgil. He already had the three spell candles, quarts and incense in his backpack. “Can’t forget that.”

He waited for Dariana to count them in. She clicked her drumsticks together, “One-two-three-four!”

Virgil lost himself in the music as he always did, giving his band mates full attention. After the four Wiccan teens completed the small ceremony they went their separate ways. Well, save for Duncan, since their rehearsal space was in his garage. Yet another reason Virgil tried to keep things civil with him. It wasn’t his fault their personalities clashed harder than a cymbal.

On the long bus ride to the apartment he now called home, Virgil put on his large headphones to block out the rest of the world. It was the easiest ways to relax and not let the anxiety of being in a crowded public vehicle overwhelm him. As the music played and the streets passed him by outside the window, Virgil found himself looking back on where he’d started. He almost couldn’t believe it sometimes. Two years…Two years since the night he wanted to end his life and the same night where a chance encounter had convinced him not to…

…That night Virgil had waited till his parents were fast asleep. Not that he thought they’d miss him (he was never the daughter they wanted him to be) but still, he wanted to spare them the unpleasant sight. Sometime between the witching our and 3am he snuck out the bedroom window and made his long walk to the high wooded hill on the borderline of their small town. He didn’t go there anymore, but at the time that had been Virgil’s safe retreat where he could go to think or cry. He and the occasional summer potheads only ever occupied it. It had been a crisp autumn night and the stars were in their full radiant splendor. He’d at least wanted something beautiful to see in his last moments on Earth.

When he got the top of the hill, the last thing he’d expected to find was someone else already there. It was some guy around his age, and he had been sitting just a few feet away from the cliff’s edge. In all honesty, at the time, Virgil was both surprised and thoroughly pissed. He had been trying to avoid witnesses. Virgil must have stepped on a branch or something, because suddenly the guy was alerted to his presence. When he turned around Virgil froze. Even with only the light of the half moon he recognized the dark hair, piercing blue eyes and glasses. It was a classmate of his from school. Since he was still just a freshman Virgil had never plucked up the courage to talk to him, or anyone else really for that matter. Plus the guy always seemed to be stuck nose deep in his studies. Yet there seemed to be a look of recognition in the others’ face.

“Good evening,” he said, like some figure straight out of a gothic novel.

“Uh…hey,” said Virgil. He pulled up the hood of his purple sweater.

“I hadn’t expected anyone else to be out here tonight, let alone know about this spot,” the guy said, pushing up his glasses. He didn’t seem annoyed however. If anything he sounded curious, yet there was something soothing about his deep voice. “Would you like to join me?”

Virgil watched him pat the spot next to him. It would’ve looked weird if he refused, since he clearly came up there with a purpose. So Virgil opted to sit down for the time being. Besides, given how late it was, the guy was bound to leave at some point.

“You’re in my chemistry class, right?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah,” said Virgil.

“I thought so. Yet I don’t believe we’ve ever properly spoken before. I’m Logan Sanders. And you are?”

Virgil looked down at the held out hand. How could a guy come off as so formal yet open at the same time? Not wanting to be rude, Virgil took his hand, cold from the night air.

“I’m Vic—“ He gulped. Well, if this was gonna be his last night, might as well let himself be honest for once. What’s he have to lose? “…Virgil. Virgil Yang”

Logan didn’t let go or look at him in disgust, but his eyebrows did shoot up. Virgil pulled his hand back, not aware of the softening look on Logan’s face.

“Ah. I see. Well then, pleasure to make your acquaintance, Virgil.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I don’t look and sound like a typical guy—“

“Perhaps your biology may not match your gender. However that doesn’t negate how you perceive yourself to be on a soul level. If you say you are a boy, which I assume so given the masculine name, unless you are non-binary, then frankly it’s no right of mine to refute it,” Logan said matter-of-factly.

There were a lot of words there, a few of which had confused Virgil at the time. But the basic gist he gleaned was that he had been honest about who he was, and instead of receiving disgust or hatred, Logan had taken it in stride. No one had ever treated Virgil that way before.

“I’m a guy.” It felt like such a stupid response, but saying it out loud had felt like a boulder being tossed off his chest.

“Well then there it is.” said Logan with a small smile.

Virgil swallowed the lump in his throat. “Y-yeah I guess…Thanks.”

“Of course. So I realize this is none of my business, but out of curiosity might I ask what brings you up here tonight?”

Jeez, he really did speak too old for someone his age. “I should be asking you the same thing.”

Classic deflective technique. Logan scrutinized him but didn’t press. In his eyes, there was almost a silent yet pained understanding.

“Fair enough. I happen to enjoy coming out here from time to time to look at the stars and wait to make my pre-dawn prayers. It’s quite relaxing to do so in nature, especially before the weather becomes too cold.”

“Pre-dawn prayers?” Virgil asked.

“Indeed. My faith requires Muslims like me, although mind you I am only a recent convert, to perform five daily prayers so as to facilitate a constant mindfulness of God in our daily lives,” Logan explained.

“No offense but I wouldn’t have pegged you as the religious type. Not that I’m judging or anything!” Virgil added quickly. “I mean, it’s not something I vibe on myself, but if it’s your thing, that cool I guess. You just seem all scientific and logical and stuff.”

“Valid assumption, but false. On the contrary, it is possible for science and spirituality to go hand in hand, so to speak. After all, science is the study of the structure and behavior of the physical world around us, even to the unseen subatomic level, and adequately submitting to it. And what is faith other than the study of and submission to an unseen divine force greater that oneself?” Virgil caught the gleam of excitement in Logan’s eyes as he spoke. “Additionally, some of the greatest scientific minds emerged from the Islamic world. For example, did you know that one of the greatest astronomers in history was a Muslim?”

Virgil perked up at that part. “Astronomy?”

When he told Logan that astronomy was his all time favorite subject, the guy went into full-on nerd mode. They started talking about their favorite constellations and the stories behind them. Logan talked about his favorite astronomers and Virgil listened with wrapped interest, captivated by the other’s enthusiasm. Somehow this led to Logan telling Virgil about his theories on how God was actually a They/Them/Their and not an all powerful cis-white He or even a She since God was beyond the human concepts of gender, race, or sexuality. It was so out there and beyond anything Virgil had ever been exposed to, yet it was just so damn wild and interesting to listen to Logan ramble on about it. The more they talked the less Virgil thought about the reason why he’d gone up there in the first place.

Even when Logan stopped to pray, using the small rug he’d brought with him, Virgil didn’t move from his spot. He watched Logan pray or looked back up at the stars. They really had been beautiful that night. Not even that, however, compared to the otherworldly beauty of when the sun finally started to rise. It wasn’t like Virgil had never seen a sunrise before, but something about that one was different. Like the volume on the world around him was turned up yet there was a comfortable silence to it all as well. It broke the walls inside of Virgil’s heart and released the toxic black flood that had been swelling up inside of him for years.

When Logan, having been long done with his prayers, saw Virgil cry he didn’t say anything. Didn’t try to cheer him up or pull back in confused discomfort. Instead he placed a still yet gentle hand on Virgil’s shoulder and sat with him until he’d cried himself out. Even after Virgil calmed down Logan didn’t try to get him to open up about why he’d suddenly started sobbing. Instead he only asked if Virgil felt better. He had. Then Logan offered him a ride back to town on the back of his bike. To his surprise, Virgil took up the offer. He no longer felt as tired as he had on the climb up, but he had felt physically exhausted. He longed for his bed and a good breakfast of rice and eggs with some kimchi. Virgil had taken one last look at the cliff before following Logan down the hill. He could always try again if he needed to, he had reasoned. Death wasn’t going anywhere.

It was because of that one chance encounter that he’d lived to see another day, and more to come.

After that night on the cliff Logan started to talk to him more at school. As nervous as he was at first, Virgil slowly allowed the logical nerd into his small world. They sat together at lunch in comfortable silence, or occasionally got into debates that were admittedly pretty fun. They were both freshman so they had a lot of the same classes. They’d hang out in the library after school or do homework at Logan’s house where his mom would invite Virgil to stay for dinner. Sometimes when Virgil was having a panic attack Logan would be able to help calm him down. They never brought up the cliff again, yet Virgil knew without asking that –if he wanted him to–Logan would be there to listen. One day Logan suggested, albeit in his straightforward way, that Virgil join him at the school’s LGBTQ Club meetings after school. That was also the day Virgil learned his Muslim friend was Bi. The club was also where Virgil would meet his other soon to be two best friends, Patton (the pansexual club president) and Roman (the gayer than the Yule Tide vice president). 

It was because of Logan that he’d found a community and his first real friends.

The more Virgil went to the LGBTQ Club meetings, the more he got to understand the part of his identity that he’d tried to hide away for so long. Virgil was especially drawn to Patton, who’d been the first to welcome Virgil with open arms. Not only was the guy super frigging cute (not that he’d ever admit it out loud) but also the curly haired freckle faced boy was so incredibly warmhearted! Everything about him radiated comfort and kindness and understanding. Perhaps it was because he’d been born blind, but Patton had a way of seeing people (a pun the guy used way too often) for who they were beneath the surface. He slowly got Virgil to open up more about his parents and himself. Patton was an ever-patient listener. The practicing Buddhist had even started teaching Virgil meditation as a way to help calm his thunderstorm mind, and it did help. Later on Patton convinced Virgil to talk wit his father, who also happened to be the school’s guidance councilor, to see if maybe he could help with some of the things he had been dealing with for so long on his own.

It was because of Patton that he’d found hope.

Roman had taken longer to warm up to, since there were both so similar and different at the same time. However, once they got past the snarky banter and discovered a mutual love of Disney and Sondheim, they’d become great friends. When he officially came out as FtM transgender, Roman had been his biggest supporter. Anytime some idiots gave him a hard time in school or threatened him, Roman was there to defend him and tell the others off. He’d convinced his parents to let Virgil stay at his house the first week after being kicked out. Granted, Roman hadn’t told his Sephardic Jewish parents why his skinny goyim friend from school needed a place to stay (he wasn’t exactly ‘out’ at home yet), but they didn’t press. All they knew was that their son’s friend needed help and lots of big meals. So they welcomed Virgil until he’d found a more permanent place to stay. After that, Roman and Virgil had become brothers. Later on the actor introduced him to other musicians, artists, books and plays that were all LGBT centric in an attempt to help him through his trans journey. (“It’s important to keep up with fellow gay icons, especially when you plan to be the next NPH.”) For the first time Virgil saw himself in other’s, saw that he wasn’t alone. He began to think that, hey, if other people made it through okay –had even made an impact in people’s lives– maybe he could too.

It was because of Roman that he’d found his self worth.

Once the drama king had learned of Virgil’s interests and talent in music, he convinced him to be part of the band for the school’s musical. That was where he’d met Jamal, Dariana and Duncan. After learning they all shared a love of punk rock music and were each practicing wiccans, the four teens decided to form their own band. Of course Virgil had been nervous at first and never failed to get stage fright before performing. Yet whenever he got up behind a microphone, guitar in hand and started to sing, he felt a strange sense of calm. When he performed, Virgil couldn’t be anywhere else but in the now and he loved that. On top of that, because he had not only a good voice but also a fairly low one for someone of his, uh, biology, he passed easier as a boy in the audiences’ eyes. Over time the Children of Hecate found their sound and became local favorites. Sure they’d only played at school dances and local open mic nights, but it was a start. This one guy Remy who owned a coffee shop down town even paid them to perform twice a month to get in a younger crowd.

It was because of their band that he’d found his voice…

…The shuddering jerk of the bus shook Vigil from his memories. Good thing too, or else he would’ve missed his stop. Really gotta work on not zoning out on public transportation. The last thing he wanted was to end up in some part of town that wasn’t familiar. His nerves would never survive.

The apartment was only a block away form the bus stop. He climbed up the stairs (elevators freaked him out too much), got to the door, took out his spare key and went inside kicking off his boots. The smell of garlic pasta and cookies welcomed him, as did the sound of jazzy Studio Ghibli music renditions. The Picani household never ceased to be a warm and inviting safe haven for him.

“I’m home,” Virgil called out.

“Hiya Virgil!” Patton said, popping his head out from the kitchen.

Virgil noticed he was wearing an apron. Must’ve been helping his Ren out in the kitchen again. It always made Virgil nervous thinking about Patton being in the kitchen when he couldn’t properly see the appliances or the stove. Yet Patton insisted, and admittedly has proven, that he’s perfectly capable of cooking so long as someone else is with him.

“Hey Patton. I’m at the door,” said Virgil, letting the other boy follow his voice.

Patton didn’t need his cane when at home, and he maneuvered around the apartment like a pro. He reached out to Virgil and enveloped the young musician in a big hug.

“How was band practice?” asked Patton when they broke apart.

“Went pretty well. The song’s coming along good and Duncan and me only snapped at each other once. New record.”

“Helloooo nurse!” Shouted Dr. Emile Picani as he popped in from down the hall in all his pink haired glory. “Glad to see ya got home safe Virgil.”

“That makes two of us Doc,” he said.

Virgil set his bag and guitar case down before letting himself be caught in a big hug from the school guidance counselor. Even his hugs were as animated as the cartoons he loved.

“Did I hear you two talking about that new song you’re planning for the talent show? I hope it’s the Disney one you were obsessed with a while back?”

It had been sometime last month when Virgil, Patton and Picani had sat down for one of their Disney movie marathons. They’d put on Treasure Planet, which until then Virgil had never seen. Not only did he love the protagonist, story, and animation, but also the song just spoke to him. Even though the lyrics weren’t about the struggles he’d gone through necessarily, they still spoke to Virgil on a personal level. He’d listened to it on repeat for weeks. That’s how he got the idea to sing it with his band for the talent show after he found out the date.

“Yep. The very same.”

“Exellent,” said Picani in a semi-good Stewie Griffin voice. “Such a great song from a highly underrated movie. I mean seriously, it’s about pirates in SPACE! HOW is that not more popular?!”

“Oh dear,” said a bright voice from the kitchen. “When my partner starts going on a Disney rant is when I come to the rescue.”

Patton’s Ren came out of the kitchen, wiping their hands with a dishrag. Virgil squinted to see the pronouns necklace they wore. Today was a ‘she’ day. As much as she teased the grown man about his cartoon obsessions she really was no better. The long blue winter skirt, black legging and white cashmere sweater she wore made her look practically like Belle incarnate. Save for the cropped curly blonde hair that Patton shared.

“Hello Vigil, welcome back,” she said, pulling him gently into a hug.

“Hey Alma,” said Virgil, returning the embrace. The Picanis were the only people that Virgil let hug him. “Dinner smells great.”

“Thank you! Should be ready soon. If you could help me set the table after you wash up I’d really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” he said. Helping out was the absolute least Virgil could do.

“Oh I can’t wait to hear your band play this Friday!” Alma said. “I’ve got the perfect suit to wear for your special night and everything. Even found myself a nice galaxy tie to go along with your space song’s theme.”

“I’m sure you’ll look killer Alma.”

“Don’t forget, Roman’s gonna be in it too,” said Patton. “We’ve gotta show him our love and support also.”

“Well now that goes without saying sweetheart.”

Suddenly Patton started sniffing the air. “Uhh Renny, did the timer go off? ‘Cause I smell smoke.”

“My cookies!” She rushed back to the kitchen. Virgil, Patton and Picani barely held back their giggles.

Virgil really owed the Picanis more than he’d ever be able to repay. When Patton finally convinced Virgil to start seeing his dad for counseling about his anxiety issues, it opened up a new door for him. The hilarious, fun loving, yet surprisingly wise Dr. Emile Picani had given Virgil tools to help manage his mental health issues. Not only that but over time he gave him even more. His office became a safe haven when he had panic attacks or just needed quiet. Picani got Virgil to open up more about his sexuality and body dysmorphia after revealing he was non-binairy (although he tended to favor he/they pronouns). Pretty soon Virgil saw the man as a second father figure. After Patton had told his dad about how Virgil’s parents kicked him out and he was temporarily staying with Roman, Picani immediately told Virgil to pack his things and that he was more than welcome to stay with them. No room for arguments. His partner had been equally as welcoming to Virgil after hearing his story. She even went out and bought Virgil his first binder for his birthday. The Picanis went the extra mile to researched ways for him to get testosterone shots after he revealed he wanted to start transitioning. They gave him a roof, food, comfort, and a place of belonging.

It was because of them that he’d found his freedom.

They spent dinner with the usual boisterous chatter and laughter, Virgil chipping in with his own quieter comments every now and then. Afterwards he and Patton cleaned up and worked on homework together. Then they watched cartoons with Picani before Alma told them to get to bed. All three of them. They whined but did as they were told.

Virgil lay on his futon and stared up at the ceiling thinking. In just a few days it will have been a year since Virgil came out. A year since he started transitioning; now he was more than halfway through the treatments. A year that he found himself happier than he ever would’ve dreampt possible. He fell asleep repeating one thought in his mind like a prayer...I’m Still Here…

*    *    *    *    *

The next day at school went by as usual. Virgil and Patton got a ride there with Picani, Virgil tried to stay awake during his first two periods, and Logan nudged him awake during third and fourth period classes. To all of their delight Logan, Roman, Patton and him shared the same lunch period this year, so the four juniors sat at their usual table. Logan and Roman got into some debate or other, Virgil sat back to enjoy the show, and Patton threw in a couple of puns while also reminding Virgil to actually eat his lunch. Then they split up and Virgil went to spend his free period with Picani in the councilors office. Afterwards he spent the last two classes with Roman. All in all, it was a pretty solid day. That is, until the last bell rang.

“Oh come on! Okay, I’ll admit you have a point about the dark undertones of Sleeping Beauty and Peter Pan and Snow White, but it can’t be possible for ALL of the Disney films to have sinister hidden messages.” Roman said, slamming his locker next to Virgil’s for emphasis.

“Come on Pricy, have you ever read the original fairy tales those movies are based off of?” Virgil asked as they walked down the hall. “It’s some seriously dark shit!”

“I’m telling Patton you said a bad word,” Roman said in a teasing sing-song tone, dramatically draping his red letterman jacked over one shoulder.

“Don’t you dare rat on me to Patton.” Virgil gave his best black eye-lined glare.

“Aww what’s the matter chemically imbalanced romance, afraid of getting on his bad side?” Roman teasingly ruffled Virgils purple dyed hair, knowing he hated it.

“If he even has one,” Virgil muttered, smiling softly at the thought of his sweet and wholesome friend.

“You know Virgil, one of these days you’re really going to have to tell Patton that you like—“

Roman shut up suddenly. Virgil was grateful for it, because Patton and Logan were both coming their way from the opposite hall. Logan’s black and blue flannel clad arms were loaded with three our four books and Patton was tapping his walking cane along the hall.

“Uh-oh! Guess you’d better start calling me Beetlejuice, ‘cause I swear I heard my name three times,” Patton beamed. “Hi Roman! Hi Virgil!”

“Salutations again you two,” said Logan.

“Hey guys.”

“’Sup?”

“Did we interrupt your conversation?” asked Logan.

“Nah, just the usual banter,” said Roman.

The four of them walked out the school together, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. The leaves had already turned a multitude of red and orange colors. There was a slight chill in the wind that felt sharp in Virgil’s lungs every time he breathed. He was grateful for his usual attire of skinny jeans and his favorite hoodie.

“Jeepers, I’m gonna make myself a nice hot chocolate when I get home,” said Patton to Virgil. “My knees are freezing!”

“I told you it was too cold for a skirt today Pat,” said Virgil.

As usual Patton was clad in one of his soft slightly oversized sweaters. However, instead of his usual jeans, that morning he’d opted for one of the knee length skirts he occasionally wore. Ordinarily Virgil enjoyed seeing Patton in a skirt every now and then (even if it did make his gay brain short circuit), but this time around it was definitely not weather appropriate and he was worried about Patton catching a cold.

“Well it was pretty warm this morning, and I really felt like wearing something cute and comfy that I could twirl in,” said Patton. “I didn’t think it’d get so cold.”

“On the contrary Patton, it shouldn’t be all that surprising given that it is currently 53 degrees out and mid-October,” said Logan, adjusting his glasses.

“Sheesh Logan, you can’t ever let me skirt around a subject, can you?” They all laughed save for Logan, who groaned at all of Patton’s puns.

“I keep telling you, listen to the weather reports the night before,” Roman said.

“I guess, but why bother when it’s easier to just stick my head out the window every morning?” asked Patton.

“Because that’s how you end up with cold knee caps,” said Virgil.

They all laughed good-naturedly at that. Patton tried to pout but he could never keep from smiling very long and laughed along with them. Virgil soaked up every second of it, never letting himself forget just how close he’d come to missing out on moments like these. He smiled at his best friends.

“You’ve been in a rather good mood today Virgil,” said Logan.

“Yes, I noticed that too,” said Roman. “Far less brooding than usual.”

“Guess I’m just looking forward to this Friday,” he shrugged.

“Ah yes, the talent show! I myself shall be performing in it as well,” said Roman. “I plan to do a dramatic reenactment of Lewis Caroll’s brilliant poem The Jabberwocky. It shall be epic!”

“I’m sure it will,” Logan said, rolling his eyes. Virgil snickered.

“And of course I’ll be back in the audience in time to see you and the other Children of Hecate perfume Virgil.“

“As will I.”

“Yep! I can’t wait. Dad and Renny are gonna be coming too don’t forget. So save us some seats.”

“Will do Pat.”

“Speaking of performances, I’d better get home so I’ll have time to practice before my mom and nana rope me into helping her cook again,” said Roman.

“Hey tell Nana Reina I said ‘hi’. Oh, and that I miss her cooking,” said Virgil.

“Will do. Farewell friends,” said Roman, heading towards the buses.

“Speaking of parental units, I’d better be going,” said Logan. “My father should be here to pick me up soon. He’s promised to take me to the planetarium after school before he leaves for his business trip. Farewell.”

“Bye Lo!”

“Later.”

Virgil was happy to see his nerdy friend so excited, but the mention of quality bonding time with a parent made him cringe. When was the last time he’d ever had quality time with his own parents, even before that painful night.

He only came out to him because the LGBT Club and sessions with Picani had filled him with foolish courage and hope. After all, they were his parents and loved him. They’d never been unkind or strict unless it came to school. He didn’t expect they would understand, but maybe they would still accept him. How wrong he had been.

Not only had his parents looked at him like a stranger, like a thing, but his dad told Virgil he’d have five minutes to pack his things and leave. That Virgil was no child of his. Virgil could still remember tasting his own salty tears and the stone-cold tight-lipped glare on his father’s face. His mother hadn’t said anything against Virgil; she hadn’t said anything. But she didn’t defend Virgil or stand up to his dad either. Only looked at him with confusion and disappointment. That was enough. Did they even ever miss him? Of course not. They hate you, otherwise they would’ve invited you back home a long time ago. Virgil sighed, knowing that the thoughts in his head were probably right this time.

“You okay Virge?” asked Patton, his brow creased with worry.

“Yeah Pat. Stellar. Come on, let me walk you to the car. Your dad’s probably waiting for you there,” said Virgil, gently holding the other’s elbow.

“Aww that’s sweet of you Virgil, but don’t you have to get to band practice?”

“I’ve got a few minutes to spare.”

They walked to the parking lot together in comfortable silence. That is, until Patton spoke up again.

“Alright kiddo, what’s really eating at you? And I know something is. I hear you sighing,” said Patton.

Virgil sighed. “I can’t hide anything from you, can I?”

“I might not be able to tell when your lying the way Toph can with her feet, but I’m not as blind to you as you think.“

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Ugh. You’ve been hanging around your dad too much.”

Patton giggled, but then grew somber. “Seriously though Virgil, what’s wrong? Is it about your parents?”

Virgil stopped in shock, nearly tripping up Patton. He turned to his friend, looking into his light milky blue eyes. “H-how did you—“

“I heard you sigh the first time after Roman and Logan started talking about their families. And I know Friday is the anniversary of the day you came out to them. Wasn’t hard to piece together after that.” Patton gently reached for Virgil’s hand and gave a squeeze. “Are you still thinking about inviting them?”

Virgil let out a groan/sigh combo. He immediately regretted telling Patton about that. It had been the briefest of thoughts. It was weird and painful because, as much as he never wanted to see his parents again, Virgil also missed them. They were his family after all. And he thought, maybe if they came they would change their minds. Or at the very least he could spite them. But two weeks had gone by since telling Patton about that and Virgil still hadn’t emailed either of them an invite.

“I don’t know Patton. Maybe it’s a bad idea. It was stupid of me to want…”

“I understand Virgil. I know that they hurt you, and I’ll be honest…I hate them for that.” That caught Virgil by surprise. “But even so, I know you still miss them. I hear you crying for them in your sleep sometimes down the hall. So maybe…maybe at least extending the olive branch would do you some good. Give you some peace of mind again.”

“Maybe you’re right. But I just…don’t know if I can forgive them. They don’t deserve it.”

He turned and saw Patton giving him a pained look of sorrow. He was guiltily glad that his best friend couldn’t see him cringing beneath that look.

“Maybe not,” Patton said after a moment. “But you do.”

A staccato car horn oddly in the melody of the Spongebob theme song sounded from a distance. They both turned to the source. No surprise, Virgil saw it coming from a volxwagon. Picani waved to them from the window.

Patton sighed loudly. “That’s my dad. We’ll see you at home later. Well, they’ll see you at home. I’ll hear you. You gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, i’ll be fine. See you Pat,” said Virgil.

Patton gave him one last hug before heading off. His dad met him halfway and guided him to the car, helping him fold up the cane and buckle up. Virgil watched them drive away. Then he pulled on his headphones and blared the Treasure Planet theme song before going to meet Jamal, Dariana and Duncan at the bus stop. He needed to escape into some music.

Rehearsals went really well. Virgil was actually feeling pretty confident, and they still had two more nights left to rehears. On the bus ride back home however his mind circled back to what Patton had said. Forgive them for yourself… Maybe it was the healthier way to go but honestly, Virgil didn’t want that. He wanted to stay angry and bitter because that kept the sadness at bay. Or at least covered it up. It hurt to still feel that way and, frankly, he didn’t know if he was strong enough to forgive his parents even if he wanted to. Let alone send them an invite. It was easier just to stay bitter and angry. Virgil spent the rest of the bus ride doing his meditative breathing exercises. The last thing he needed was a panic attack in public.

When Virgil got back to the apartment after practice he was met with the usual welcoming arms. He didn’t join Patton and Picani in the tv room for cartoons, insisting he had a headache. Alma seemed like they’d wanted to talk to Virgil, but ultimately gave the teen his space. Virgil went to the rooftop with his backpack, hoping to distract himself with schoolwork. No luck there. He tossed the notebooks aside (he could get the notes he needed from Logan the next morning) and instead opted to give reading a chance to take his mind off things. He pulled out the worn out copy of Angles in America that Roman had let him borrow. He was nearly through Peretroika and it was getting good. But when he got to a line by the drag queen Belize he paused. Virgil sat up straight and re-read the lines about nine times. Then on the tenth, he read them aloud:

“’He was a terrible person. He died a hard death. So maybe…A queen can forgive her vanquished foe. It isn’t easy. It…It doesn’t count if its easy…It’s the hardest thing.” Virgil swallowed the lump in his throat before reading on. “Forgiveness. Which is maybe where love and justice finally meet. Peace, at least…”

He just sat there staring at the words on those yellowing pages, all to aware of his own breathing. Virgil may not have believed in some singular all-powerful God like Logan did, but he sure as hell believed in signs. After several long moments Virgil’s jaw set firm. He grabbed his things, went back downstairs to the Picani’s family computer, and typed out the hardest email of his life.

*    *    *    *    *

Friday rolled around and with it came the night of the high school’s talent show. Big surprise, Virgil was really anxious. Even the band’s pre-show ritual and meditation with lavender incense hadn’t helped to steady his nerves. They were dressed in their usual all black attire for performances but Virgil had kept his purple hoodie wrapped around the waist. He was fidgeting with the sleeves so much his fingers were starting to hurt.

“Virgil, relax! That pacing is making me dizzy,” said Dariana as she fiddled with the small crystals braided into her afro.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m just—“

“Nervous,” said Jamal as he checked that their equipment was ready to go. They were the last act but the musician liked to be prepared. “We know. You always get like this before a gig, and we always kick ass anyway.”

“Yeah, and it’s not like we haven’t been rehearsing for weeks,” said Duncan. Yet even he cast the emo guitarist a sympathetic glance. “We’re bound to at least not suck.”

Virgil took a deep breath. “Thanks Duncan.”

“Whatever.”

It wasn’t just the usual pre-show nerves this time though. Virgil had done the unthinkable. He actually invited his parents to the show tonight. He honestly hadn’t expected them to show up (that had been his one consoling thought) but low and behold, he saw them in the audience from backstage. At least, he was pretty certain it was them. There weren’t exactly a lot of Korean parents in the audience, so who else could it have been? His mom had been shifting nervously in her seat, and beside her was his dad. Arms crossed and stone faced, yet there seemed to be hints of annoyance that shone through the chips in his armor. Yeah, not exactly thrilled about this either dad, Virgil thought bitterly. Still…they’d come.

As had the Picanis and Logan. They were all sitting together in the audience. Logan was reading through the cheaply printed playbill, Patton has his head slightly bowed so he could better listen to the different performances, and both the Doc and Alma had their eyes glued to the students on stage. It was as though they were proud parents of every one of those kids even if they weren’t their own. He could only imagine how they’d be when it was his turn. It warmed Virgil’s heart and made him smile for the first time all day.

Virgil was just finishing tuning his guitar when he heard applause from behind the curtain. Guess they really liked Roman’s enactment of that poem after all. To be fair, the guy was a gold star performer. Virgil had caught glimpses of it from backstage and it honestly was a pretty cool show.

“Children of Hecate, your on deck,” said a kid with a clipboard and wearing a Steven Universe t-shirt.

Roman burst through the curtain and came straight to Virgil. “Virgil! Did you see that? I had the crowed eating out of the palm of my hands.”

“Great job Roman. Seriously,” he said.

Roman’s smile faltered when he saw how nervous the rock musician looked. He placed a firm yet warm hand on Virgil’s shoulder.

“Hey, don’t sweat it Virge. You’re going to do great! I know it.”

Virgil smirked and clapped him on the back. “Thanks man.”

“I’m going to head into the audience. Hopefully Logan saved he a seat. Break a leg!”

He watched Roman go and then went back to his breathing exercises. The next act went by but was cut short when the kid tripped on his own juggling balls. At least whatever we do won’t be worse then that. Finally, they were up.

“Alright guys, gals, and non-binary pals,” said the kid from backstage.

Virgil saw his dad cringing at that line. Screw you too.

“Here is your final act of the night. Give it up for Virgil, Duncan, Dariana, and Jamal; a.k.a. the Children of Hecate!!!”

The younger audience members who’d seen them perform before gave the loudest cheer (Roman was loudest of all). The other adults and strangers gave a polite applause. Virgil’s parents hadn’t even bothered with more than two or three stiff claps. Virgil stepped up to the mic and took a shaky breath. He did a test strum letting the strings vibrations ground him. You got this Virge. Remember why you’re here. Do it for you. He took one last breath before signaling Dariana to count them in.

Then, they played. The drums were like a steady grounding heartbeat, the rhythm of the base like a pulsing metronome in his mind, and the keyboards flowing melodies like the blood in his veins. His own guitar strings felt like thick blades of grass against his calloused fingertips, their music gently rooting him in the moment. When they played through the intro Virgil got close to the microphone and sang.

“I am a question to the world

Not an answer to be heard

Or a moment

that’s held in your arms.

And what

do you think you’d ever say?

I won’t listen anyway.

You don’t know me

and I’ll never be what you want

me to be.”

Virgil’s anxiety faded away into the music. He felt the vibrations coming off the state through his boots. Could hear his fellow band mates getting caught up in the swing of the performance, just as they always did. The muse of music was certainly with them all tonight.

“And what

do you think you’d understand?

I’m a girl, no, I’m a man!”

Virgil thumped his chest in emphasis on this line. It took a lot for him to make that small change to the lyric, but he was glad he’d decided to after all.

For the next part of the verse, Virgil looks directly at his parents. He pours all the hurt and betrayal built up over the past two years into the next lines.

“You can’t take me

and throw me away.” His dad’s face remains stony as ever, but Virgil catches his mom’s wince.

“And how

can you learn what’s never shown?

Yeah, you stand here on your own.

They don’t know me

‘Cause I’m not here.”

Virgil couldn’t bear to look at their faces anymore. So, he turned back to the audience as a whole, losing himself in the music.

“And I want a moment to be real.

Wanna touch things I don’t feel.

Wanna hold on

and feel I belong.

And how

can the world want me to change?

There the ones that stay the same.

They don’t know me

‘cause I’m not here.”

He turned towards where Roman, Logan, Patton Dr. Picani and his partner were sitting in the audience. Virgil knew the blind boy couldn’t see him, but he hoped that his friends could still feel him through the music. Moreover, he hoped Picani would understand how grateful Virgil was to him for everything the man had done for him.

“And you

see the things they never see.

All you wanted, I could be.

now you know me

and I’m not afraid.” Not anymore.

“And I

want to tell you who I am

Can you help me be a man?

They can’t break me

as long as I know who I am!”

Virgil did know who he was. That’s what got him this far, and even though it was hard, he hadn’t let the world break him. It came close, but thanks to the new friends in his life Virgil emerged stronger than the world. It’s like Picani was always telling him: Self-love is the greatest form of defiance.

“And I want a moment to be real.

Wanna touch things I don’t feel.

Wanna hold on

and feel I belong.

And how

can the world want me to change?

There the ones that stay the same.

They can’t see me

but I’m still here.”

Everyone could see him now for all that he truly was. And sure, there were still bigoted haters and idiots. Yeah, he was still pretty terrified a good 25-60% of the time. Even so, he wasn’t alone anymore.

Virgil gave the signal for Jamal and Duncan to get ready for the key change coming up after the bridge. That had been Dariana’s suggestion, since Virgil actually had the vocal range to pull it off, even with the testosterone shots shifting his voice. He took a breath to steady his nerves before picking the song back up again.

“They can’t tell me who to be…” Duncan played a short bass solo.

‘Cause I’m not what they see…” Dariana killed her drum solo.

Yeah, the world is still sleepin’ while I keep on dreaming for me…” Jamal rocked his short sharp chord progression.

“And there words are just whispers

and lies that I’ll never belieeeeve!”

Virgil couldn’t fight the smile that climbed up his face now. Not only had they nailed that key change, but also nearly the whole auditorium was cheering now. For a moment Virgil felt like he was standing on the edge of eternity, but instead of falling he was flying. He was happy. So impossibly happy! Virgil felt the tears slipping down his cheeks but managed to hold it together for the finish.

“And I

want a moment to be real.

Wanna touch things I don’t feel.

Wanna hold on

and feel I belong.

And how

can they say I never changed?

There the ones that stay the same.

I’m the one now

‘Cause I’m still here.” Virgil played a few quick yet slick guitar licks.

“I’m the one

‘cause I’m still here.

I’m still here!

I’m still here!

I’m still heeeerrre….”

The song ended. He was in tears and no doubt his eye shadow was kind of a mess (although it probably added to the goth punk aesthetic). His heart soared even higher when the whole audience stood up in a wild applause and cheers. He spotted his friends and Picani being the most exuberant cheerers of all. Even Logan had abandoned his usual composure out of pride for his friend. The only ones who weren’t cheering so much were his parents. In fact, they weren’t even in their seats anymore. Virgil looked to the back of the auditorium and saw them talking to each other at the door. Virgil looked away. Yeah, it stung. But honestly, he didn’t care. He was happy. So unbelievably happy because he had done this even though it was hard.

“Well, guess we know who won the show,” said Duncan over the applause.

Virgil rolled his eyes but nodded in agreement, even smiling at the guy. They all took a final bow before the Steven Universe kid (oh right! That was Thomas from drama club) closed out the show. Virgil clambered off the stage and was immediately caught in a patented Patton hug.

“Virgil that was AMAZING!!!” Patton said with a squeal.

“We’re super proud of you buddy,” said Picani, joining in on the hug.

“You are kicked butt up there, sweetie,” said Alma as they added onto the hug.

“Thanks guy…but uh…need to breathe!”

“Oh, sorry!” They all said letting go.

“Seriously though Virgil, you sounded amazing,” Patton said as he squeezed Virgil’s hand, “I could practically hear how happy you were up there.”

“Patton,” Virgil held the boys hand in his own, grateful that Patton couldn’t see him blushing. “That may just be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

Patton gifted him with the warmed of smiles. Virgil practically melted.

“Honestly Virge, I’m not even mad that your band won the show instead of me,” said Roman. “You all gave an Oscar worthy performance. Grammy? Either way, you kicked ass.”

“Language,” said both Patton and Alma.

“Indeed. While I don’t quite understand theatrics that was undeniably a fantastic performance,” said Logan. He clasped Virgil on the shoulder and gave a rare soft smile. “Tremendous job Virgil. You’ve really come so far.”

Virgil smiled back. “Thanks Logan. All of you, I—“

Someone cleared her throat and stepped into there little circle of light and love. Virgil stiffened, holding tight to Patton’s warm hands to ground himself.

“Mom?” he said, voice trembling.

“Hello Vic—Virgil,” she said. “I’m Mrs. Yang. Are you all Virgil’s friends?”

“Indeed ma’am,” said Logan, his eyes cold.

Roman took a protective step in front of Virgil. Patton, having now picked up on the sudden shift in the air, seemed to get the gist and did the same. He practically held his walking stick like a spear.

“Hey, hey, hey. Hakuna matata boys. I’ve got this,” said Picani.

He stepped in front of the teenagers and put on polite yet icy smile. Meanwhile Alma stood behind Virgil, their hands resting protectively on his shoulders. Picani extended a stiff hand towards Mrs. Yang.

“Do you how do? My name is Dr. Picani. I’m the school’s guidance councilor and, for the past year or so, your son’s guardian.”

To Vigil’s surprise, standing before the other adult, his mom looked…small. Not height wise but like on the inside. To her credit she politely, albeit awkwardly, shook his hand.

“I’m glad to know that my child’s been looked after,” she said.

“Well someone had to,” Alma said. Virgil had never heard so much venom coming out of their mouth before.

“May I speak with Virgil alone?” she asked. “Please?”

After a pause and a loud breath, Picani said, “Of course.”

“Dad!” Patton said.

“Come on fellas, lets give these two some privacy,” said Picani, corralling the reluctant teens away from their friend. “Virgil, we’ll be right over by the bake sale table if you need us.”

Virgil nodded to him, still a bit in shock. “Thanks Doc.”

Alma kissed the top of his head before going over to join their partner. Now that they were alone together Virgil felt the bitterness starting to creep back into his heart again. Despite this, he couldn’t help noticing just how nervous his mom looked. She was even fidgeting with her fingers in the same way he did. When did that start happening?

“You were wonderful up there,” she said finally. “I’ve never seen you so happy.”

Virgil scowled. “Yeah well, you haven’t exactly seen me in a while.”

She winced at his words. He hated how it made him feel both guilty and glad at the same time.

“I thought you were leaving with dad,” said Virgil.

At the mention of him, she stiffened her spine. There’s the mom he remembered.

“I told him he was free to leave on his own. I also told him that he should leave with his things and that he’s not welcome to come back home. Not until he was ready to live under the same roof as you.”

That took Virgil by surprise. “W-wh-what?”

“I want you to come back home Virgil,” she said, a sad smile on her face. “Everything’s already made up the way it was before. I mean, I-I added a few more, um, male intended furniture and re-painted the room so that it wasn’t so, uhh, pink. You still like purple, right?  I didn’t expect you to say yes right away. I’ve been planning it for a while but I never—I-I didn’t know—but after seeing that email you sent I hoped…I even cleaned your room up today just in case…”

Virgil was speechless. Someone might as well have dropped kicked him in the gut, he would’ve been less surprised. He swallowed the cotton ball in his throat and managed one shaky word.

“Why?”

“I-I told you, I want you to come—“

“Why now!” Virgil seethed. It cam out sounding more sad than angry. “Why now?”

He hated just how desperate he sounded. Then again, his mom looked just as desperate, if not more. Hell, she looked about ready to cry. That quelled some of the embers in his temper.

“Because I’d rather have a happy son than a suicidal daughter! I miss you Virgil. Ever since that day the house—my life—has felt so empty without you in it. I admit, when you told me about…you…I was confused. I didn’t understand it, and quite honestly I still don’t. But you’re my child and I love you more than anything. I’m willing to bend and try to understand. I made a mistake and I’ll be spending the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. Virgil, baby, p-please come home? C-can you ever f-forgive me?”

For the first time ever, Virgil saw his mother start to cry. He tried to ignore the stinging in his own eyes, just barely keeping a straight face. He took a deep breath, looked her in the eyes, and nodded his head yes.

Relief painted his mother’s face, as did a fresh wave of tears. She stepped hesitantly forward, arms open, and he filled the space between them. Virgil hadn’t realized how much he missed being held by his own mother. That did it.

“I’m still mad at you,” Virgil cried, “but I love you mom.”

“I love you too Virgil,” she wept. “My son.”

They held each other for the longest time. Over her shoulder Virgil looked at where Picani was watching concerned. He gave the councilor a thumbs up and the grown man visible sagged with relief. He nodded and smiled proudly at Virgil before talking to the others. Virgil would fill his friends in later. For now, he just wanted to be in the moment.

It wasn’t going to be easy starting over with his mother. Then again, when had anything in his life ever been easy? Even so, no matter what the world threw at him, Virgil had proven himself stronger.

He was alive, he was happy, and he was still here.

Tag list:

@justisaisfine @the-pastel-peach @altruistic-skittles @queer-human-being @phlying-squirrel @thekeytohappiness-is-you @canadian-crofters @patchworkofstars @ab-artist @ravenclawangst @pink-and-purple-flowers @forrestwyrm @beautifully-terribly @lizaelsparrow @fangirltothefullest @romanamongthestars @ierindoodles @logically-asexual @icecoldparadise @bluebloodstains @purpleshipper @hissesssss @axyzel @jynxlovesluck @thatsanswitch @6tick6tock6 @hanramz-the-fander @azlinne @helplesscreator @thestoryofme13 @bibbidi-bobbity-booyah @accidental-sanders @smokeyrutilequartz @madly-handsome @puns-and-patton @notveryglittery @eequalsmcscared @safesandersides @lizziepopanime @anxiously-unsatisfied-world @moonstone-fox

[silvermyfanwy]

Avengers: Endgame- A Missed Opportunity

CONTAINS SPOILERS!

SEE END OF POST FOR LINKS.

Avengers: Endgame has been released after many months of build-up and years of world building. The acting is incredible, the cinematography and special effects are phenomenal and there are many heart-wrenching moments.

There’s also a missed opportunity for an openly gay couple.

This film is a first for queer representation in the MCU, as there is an openly gay man in a counselling session early on in the film. That’s great. It’s a huge step for Marvel, who have previously edited out anything that was intended to suggest a queer character (there have never been any known plans for a character to be openly queer) and are known for queer-baiting (Captain America: Civil War[1], Thor 3[2] and Captain Marvel[3]).

But.

A middle-aged white man in a post-apocalyptic therapy session talking about a date he had where his date cried[4] at the salads and he himself cried at dessert- but “I’m seeing him tomorrow”, is not the kind of queer representation I wanted or what the MCU needed.

What queer adult is going to look at that character and think ‘he’s so cool’ and more importantly, what queer teenager is going to look up to that character and think ‘I want to be like him when I’m older’?

At the end of the film, Steve Rogers travels back in time to replace the Infinity Stones from when and where they were taken earlier on in the film. Instead of returning to the present day once his mission is done, he stays in the past and enters a relationship with Peggy Carter. Whilst this is a lovely ending for Steve and clearly makes him very happy, Marvel missed a huge opportunity because it would have been very, very easy (we’re talking half-a-line-of-script and ten-seconds-of-the-film level easy) for Steve and Bucky Barnes to have been shown in an openly gay relationship.

For a 22-film franchise that has had humans date robots (Wanda Maximoff and Vision), humans date aliens (Peter Quill and Gamora), aliens date aliens (Drax and Mantis), gods date humans (Jane Foster and Thor), humans have a thing for a mutant (Black Widow and the Hulk) and approximately 13 shown or alluded-to straight human relationships, would it really be too much to ask for two people of the same gender to be shown in a relationship?

The answer, it seems, is quite possibly.

Both of the writers and both of the directors of Endgame are straight, despite director Joe Russo playing the gay character mentioned above. All of the actors are straight, bar Tessa Thompson who is openly bisexual and plays Valkyrie- who was supposed to be alluded to being bisexual in Thor 3 but wasn’t due to editing. Valkyrie is only a minor character in the film, with less than ten minutes of screen time in a three-hour film, and Tessa Thompson doesn’t hold the kind of sway that someone like Chris Evans or Robert Downey Jr may do when it comes to influencing a character’s representation on screen. Plus, there’s all the kerfuffle around the leaked Sony emails regarding that Spiderman (Peter Parker) must contractually always be white and straight in Spiderman films[5] [6] [7] [8].

Many of the Marvel actors are known for being allies to the queer community- Benedict Cumberbatch, Chris Evans, Don Cheadle, Michael B. Jordan, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth and the legendary Brie Larson who ships Captain Marvel (the character she plays) with Valkyrie and has made it very clear that she thinks (rightly so) that Marvel needs to hurry up with LGBTQ+ representation[9].

However, not all Marvel actors are positively associated with the LGBTQ+ community. Chris Pratt and Scarlet Johansson have both been at the centre of controversies; Chris Pratt attending and defending a homophobic church[10] and Scarlet Johansson eventually quitting from playing a transgender man in an upcoming film[11].

I understand why many people are happy with Steve’s ending and I understand why Marvel chose it as the ending, but I do not understand why they would turn down an opportunity to help people, because having Steve and Bucky in a relationship at the end of Avengers: Endgame would have helped to an unfathomable extent. It would have positively enriched the lives of so many queer kids and given hundreds of thousands the chance to see a superhero like them. It would have shown struggling queer kids they are not alone, it would have started important conversations, it would have given recognition to so many and been the best moment of the entire film.

Representation is important because it changes the lives of people for the better. For the most part, it changes the lives of kids and can help them to not be ashamed of the colour of their skin, their hair, their gender, their sexuality, their disability, the level of their intelligence, their family situation or their country. 

I’m not the first person to point this out. 

Marvel have taken huge steps in terms of representation recently, with Black Panther and Captain Marvel, but it’s not enough.

I’m a kid. Like many kids, I look up to fictional characters as role models. The characters in the MCU I look up to are Shuri, Okoye, Nakia, Carol Danvers and Steve Rogers. I look up to Shuri because she’s smart; Okoye and Nakia because they’re badass. I look up to Steve Rogers because he wouldn’t let being ill stop him from changing the world; Carol Danvers because she’s all-round awesome.

I really want to have an openly queer superhero to look up to.

My friends have countless straight superheroes to look up to, countless superhero relationships they can see themselves in. I cannot look up to these straight relationships, because I will never have a relationship like that. I’m not angry that I will never have a straight relationship, I’m angry that there are no relationships for me to see myself in simply because I’m queer. 

I long for the day when there’s an openly gay superhero couple in a superhero film and I can watch it and think ‘those superheroes are like me’.

I just hope I don’t have to write that film myself.

I deserve to see people who look like and are like me in films. Marvel had an opportunity to provide much-needed representation, to help people and improve peoples’ lives, but they didn’t take it.

Instead, they gave viewers another straight relationship and some questions about time travel.

[1] http://collider.com/marvel-lgbt-characters-mcu-joe-anthony-russo/

[2] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/11/06/thors-valkyrie-is-marvels-first-lgbt-character-but-you-wouldnt-know-it-from-the-film/?utm_term=.d6c253ea4ddd

[3] https://www.cinemablend.com/news/2467361/carol-danvers-has-a-special-love-for-maria-rambeau-in-captain-marvel-according-to-brie-larson

[4] Reminiscing about life before the Snap.

[5] https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/spider-man-should-stay-white-and-straight-in-the-movies-says-comic-book-veteran-stan-lee-10357457.html

[6] https://variety.com/2015/film/news/sony-hack-peter-parker-spider-man-white-straight-1201524150/

[7] https://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/jun/23/stan-lee-spider-man-should-stay-white-and-straight

[8] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/06/25/peter-parker-aka-spider-man-should-be-straight-and-white-says-co-creator-stan-lee/?utm_term=.31b003ccb600

[9] https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2019/04/avengers-endgame-gay-character-marvel-brie-larson-lgbt-representation

[10] https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-47209694

[11] https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-44829766

[topicprinter]

Hey - Pat from StarterStory.com here with another interview.Today's interview is with Carole Rains of Emu Joy, a brand that sells emu oil based skincare.Some stats:Product: Emu oil based skincare.Revenue/mo: $19,000Started: March 2014Location: New JerseyFounders: 1Employees: 1Hello! Who are you and what business did you start?Hi, I’m Carole Rains, the founder of Emu Joy. My product line features 100% natural products for skin, hair, muscles, and joints based on a unique ingredient: emu oil.Emu oil is a highly penetrating oil that’s full of moisturizing and anti-inflammatory benefits. It comes from a thick pad of fat on the back of the emu bird, which looks a bit like an ostrich. It’s useful for everyone from babies with diaper rash to grandmas with arthritis, as well as many other conditions for folks of all ages.Like many of you reading this, I had never heard of emu oil. Then one day while reading a home decor blog for my other business, Rustic Artistry, the blogger wrote an entire post about how much she loved emu oil, and how well it had worked for her eczema and joint pain. I was intrigued, so I started to investigate.After studying the research and reading everything I could find about emu oil, not only did I decide to use it myself, I also wanted more people to know about it so it could help them too. Seeing photos and reading about little babies with eczema sealed the deal for me. If there was a way to help them that their parents didn't know about, I wanted to get the word out.The result: I created Emu Joy as a source for reliable information and safe, natural products. I’ve now shipped more than 50,000 bottles, jars, and tubes of emu oil products, and the customer feedback makes me know starting this business was a good decision. Hearing from a mom who said “I got my little boy back” after the rash cream banished his eczema is what keeps me working hard to grow the business.What's your backstory and how did you come up with the idea?While the most common gender and age for ecommerce entrepreneurs seem to be males in their 30s, I started my business as a woman in her 50s.Leading up to that I had worked for 17 years in pharmaceutical advertising and marketing, followed by 17 years as a chef. Eventually, I wanted more flexibility of my time and decided to try out creating an online store.At the time there were a couple of resources that helped me get my store up and running. Steve Chou’s blog My Wife Quit Her Job was full of tutorials and extensive information on ecommerce.Andrew Youderian, founder of Ecommerce Fuel, had published an e-course on how to start an ecommerce business that laid out the process step by step, including things like opening a business bank account and credit card, getting an LLC, and setting up a website. Having a list of boxes to check off was exactly what I needed to turn the idea into a reality. I’ve been lucky to get to know those two in person and now see them several times a year at the ecommerce conferences that each of them hold.I bootstrapped the business with some savings that I had, putting $5,000 into my business checking account to get started. Since then I’ve been able to fund the business from revenue, with only a few times where I had to take a “loan” from my personal checking account for a few weeks to pay for inventory.Take us through the process of designing, prototyping, and manufacturing your first product.When choosing a supplier for my products I reviewed the online information on several emu farms in the US and spoke with the owners. It was important to me that my emu oil be certified by the American Emu Association so that I could ensure its purity and quality. My other criteria were that all the ingredients in the combination products be only natural.I found the supplier I wanted to work with based on the quality of the ingredients they used and the way they care for their emus, but they weren’t particularly interested, having had a bad experience in the past with private labeling for another seller. Just as I was about to sign a contract with my second choice supplier, the owner got in touch and said they’d decided to take a chance on me.Once that was established I brainstormed names for the brand and the individual products. I wrote the text for the labels myself, which was much harder than I had expected, knowing that I needed to get it just right before they were printed. I then worked with a graphic designer to have the logo and labels designed. Having worked for so many years in advertising I was very involved in suggesting and selecting fonts, adjusting spacing, and overall design, which was a lot of fun.Holding my first batch of finished products in my hands was one of the most exciting days of my life.Describe the process of launching the business.Emu Joy is my second online store, which I developed after learning the ropes through my first website, rusticartistry.com. That site sells custom furniture and home decor which can be quite expensive, so sales were sporadic. I wanted a business that would have daily sales and an emu oil line of products fit those criteria.Originally the business was called Emu Bliss, and the products were available only on Amazon so that I could test the market. When sales started to take off on that platform I added a Shopify site.I also applied for a trademark for Emu Bliss. Then the trouble came.My trademark application was opposed by a very large company called Bliss. They had a fancy NY law firm handling the filing against my Emu Bliss name, and very deep pockets, so there was no way I would be able to fight the case. Just when I had finally started to get some brand recognition I had to change my company name.That involved a getting a new logo, printing new labels, removing existing product from the Amazon warehouse and relabelling, and updating all the email campaigns, advertising, social media accounts, bank accounts, etc. Plus it was like having to change the name of your child when they’re two years old.Fortunately the new name of Emu Joy was well received by my customers, and in the end it didn’t hurt the business. But it certainly took up a lot of time that could have been spent moving the business forward.Since launch, what has worked to attract and retain customers?Emu Joy’s sales are more than 90% on Amazon. There’s a steep learning curve to sell on Amazon but once you get used to how the platform works it’s easy to make changes to listings, set up shipments to the warehouse and track sales.One of the most important parts of a successful listing is the images, and not just having a top notch main image. Smart sellers use additional images as mini ads, with lots of callouts, specs and other information that tells the product story. I found an excellent graphic designer through FreeeUp to create my informational images.Because I have my brand name trademarked I was able to enroll in Brand Registry. This entitles me to include Enhanced Brand Content, which allows for more images and content in the product description section instead of just all text, as well as the option to create a Store Page that’s like a complete brochure for the brand.Keyword research is critical in order to write effective listings and to use for PPC campaigns. It’s fascinating pull the reports and see the phrases people use to search for products on Amazon. There are a number of providers who have excellent software to manage Amazon PPC campaigns, especially PPC Scope and Sellics.Of course, selling on Amazon is both good and bad. It’s great to have a source for endless traffic, but it’s always dangerous to be dependent on one platform, especially one as challenging as Amazon. Even when you run your business ethically and play by all the rules, there are issues that come up on Amazon that are completely out of your control as a seller. I don’t know of a single Amazon seller that hasn’t had a product, or even their entire account, shut down by Amazon for something they didn’t do.I’d like to increase wholesale sales, and was happy to be approached by The Grommet, which is a shopping platform that features makers and small businesses with intriguing products. That starts soon, so hopefully, that will go well, and also drive customers to my own site.Another way I’ve grown my customer base is by looking for small, underserved niches that my products are good for. I have Google alerts set up for “emu oil” and often find articles that lead me to new uses. Some of the best information I get is by patient forums for specific conditions.This shows me the exact language patients use and problems they are experiencing. Based on this information I have made combinations of my products into kits that are targeted to these conditions, such as a Cancer Care Pack and a Soothe My Lichen Sclerosis Kit.I have information pages in the Learning Center section of the website to address various conditions such as piercing and tattoo aftercare, burns and eczema. Those have been successful at driving Google search traffic to my site.How are you doing today and what does the future look like?I’m proud to say that Emu Joy is a profitable business. After watching many episodes of The Profit on TV I know that that is often not the case. I attribute my tight control on my finances to the special system of allocating funds that I now use.Emu Joy’s finances are organized using multiple checking accounts based on the method laid out in the book Profit First. With this system all revenue comes into one account, then twice a month it gets distributed in percentages to accounts specifically for Inventory, Operating Expenses, Taxes, Owners Pay and Profit. Once a quarter I take out a portion of the deposits made into the Profit account and celebrate. The idea is that a business owner should be able to enjoy the fruits of their labor.My bookkeeper, Cyndi Thomas of Bookskeep, just published a new version of the book: Profit First for Ecommerce Sellers, which lays out all the steps specifically tailored to ecomm folks.Since implementing Profit First I have a much better grasp on where my business stands financially at any given time and am able to take advantage of seasonal bumps in sales.Through starting the business, have you learned anything particularly helpful or advantageous?I’ve learned that the key to a successful business is relationships. Whether it’s with my suppliers, customers, freelancers or fellow ecommerce entrepreneurs, developing a mutually beneficial relationship makes everything go more smoothly and efficiently, and makes going to work each day a pleasure.It’s OK if you don’t know what all those acronyms mean when you start. I was clueless about what PPC, CPC, SEO, LTV, ACOS and the rest of them stood for, but it’s possible to teach yourself about all of it, even if you don’t become an expert in every area.Mostly it’s important to believe in yourself. Having attended multiple Tony Robbins events, where I walked over 40 feet of glowing hot coals and climbed to the top of a 50-foot telephone pole before jumping off towards a trapeze (we were harnessed!), I know that I can do anything I set my mind to.When I hit a bump in the road I remind myself that literally every business experiences that, and sometimes the mistakes and setbacks are the greatest learning opportunities.What platform/tools do you use for your business?Emu Joy is hosted on Shopify using a custom theme that was developed by Smart Marketer, Ezra Firestone’s ecommerce training site.My landing pages are designed using Zipify app, also developed by Ezra’s team. Email marketing is done with Klaviyo which has excellent segmentation capabilities.What have been the most influential books, podcasts, or other resources?Without a doubt the most important resource for me is my membership in the Ecommerce Fuel private forum.These brilliant ecommerce entrepreneurs keep me up to date on the latest developments and are generous with their time and expertise whenever I have a question.My favorite podcasts are Danny McMillan’s Seller Sessions, and Mike Jackness and Dave Bryant’s Ecom Crew.Advice for other entrepreneurs who want to get started or are just starting out?It doesn’t matter what age you are when you start as long as you go in with an open mind and entrepreneurial spirit.Read blogs and books on starting an ecommerce business. Check out Facebook groups for beginner sellers to get an idea of the kinds of issues they experience.. Get on the email lists of the top marketers and attend their webinars.And remember that perfect is the enemy of done. You can fiddle with your website forever to make improvements but that first sale won’t happen unless you push go.Where can we go to learn more?emujoy.comcarole@emujoy.comIf you have any questions or comments, drop a comment below!Liked this text interview? Check out the full interview with photos, tools, books, and other data.Interested in sharing your own story? Send me a PM

[wakingwriter]

When and why did you begin writing?

I’ve always written, mainly articles, but it wasn’t until 2015 that I decided to write my first novel, The Artist’s Muse. I’ve always admired anyone who has finished a novel, as I have started and abandoned so many over the years and recognize the commitment it takes to see a novel through to completion. I always told myself that I would write a novel one day but the more I talked about it the less likely it seemed that I would ever do it. Life was good and very distracting. I went out a lot, my work as a teacher was fun.

Then it happened – the event that got me to put pen to paper where everything else had failed. I was attacked in the classroom by a violent male pupil who had issues with women in authority. After that, teaching wasn’t the same.

I turned to writing. I wrote compulsively, penning articles to motivate others, writing pieces on art, travel, food. I had a desire to give meaning to my world and writing was the most powerful way to do it.

When did you first consider yourself a writer?

This is a tricky one as there’s something almost mysterious, possibly pretentious, to call oneself a ‘writer’ which belies the hard graft that goes into the writing itself. When I first started to write The Artist’s Muse I would meet up once a week with a friend who also wrote. Yet when other friends asked us what we were doing we would be evasive, self-conscious, wary of criticism and the odd raised eyebrow. It was only when I had finished the novel that I decided it was time for me to tell people about it. I considered myself a writer at that point. I had completed a work of fiction. I’d written 90,000 plus words. I’d researched the paintings I’d mentioned and the historical context, I’d edited and re-edited, removing unnecessary detail, delighting in the sounds of my sentences.  Though to call myself a writer, that took a little bit longer. It was only when articles and reviews presented me as ‘Kerry Postle, author of The Artist’s Muse‘ that it truly sank in. I had written a novel. I was ready to call myself a writer.

Why did you choose to write in your particular field or genre?

My first novel, The Artist’s Muse,  is historical/literary fiction. I’ve always loved art and art history. I’ve studied it, even taught it. I’m interested in gender politics too. And so, when I went to an Egon Schiele exhibition in Vienna back in 2015, my two loves came together. I knew what I had to write about.

I saw rooms full of paintings of the same model, the wonderful Wally Neuzil, but I could find out very little about her life. She was very evidently key to Schiele’s work, and yet, for such an important figure, she was unsettling absent. And to make matters worse, what little I did manage to dig up about her was presented from a very male perspective. I felt compelled to put this right and to tell her story from her point of view, and that’s what I’ve done. I’ve given her a voice where she presents her life with and influence on Schiele through her eyes. In this way we can understand her actions. She challenges us to judge her if we dare as she is aware that she very often swims perilously close to the limits of acceptability. However, to see how society dismisses her, how it turns a blind eye to the exploitative way that she is treated by powerful men, the reader has no option but to condemn the hypocrisy of those who should know better.  The Artist’s Muse celebrates the glittering art of turn-of-the-century Vienna while never ignoring the decay and corruption at its core.

What made you decide to sit down and actually start writing this book?

What made me start writing was the need to celebrate Egon Schiele’s art but also to challenge the right of one person to use another as a possession. I was compelled to breathe life into the artist’s muse and show her to be the inspiration she really was. The work Schiele completed with Wally is his most original. He failed to reach the same artistic heights after he had abandoned her and so The Artist’s Muse is my acknowledgment of the contribution she made to his ‘oeuvre’  and recognition of the sacrifices she had to make. I had to write it.

Tell us more about your main character. What makes him or her unique?

Wally Neuzil is the main character in The Artist’s Muse. She is Schiele’s muse and her commitment to him enables him to achieve the greatness that he does. Her voice is refreshingly unique. We follow her thought processes and although she has few choices we see, as she shares with us what she thinks, that she knows right from wrong. Exploited, in an abusive relationship, we feel her pain and understand why she does what she does. She has a knowingness about her that recognizes the wrong in what she’s made to do, yet she does it anyway because she must. Her voice is distinct and clear and she often challenges the reader directly, asking if he or she would act any differently. Her aim is to make us think, feel uncomfortable about the blind eye we may sometimes turn to the unpalatable truth before us. Yet underpinning it all is the little voice of a young girl who only ever wanted to live a good and happy life, to love and be loved.

Who is your least favorite character and why?

My least favorite character, yet the one who was the most fun to write, is the repulsive Herr Altmann. He is the most repellent character in the novel. Like a slug, he oozes bodily fluids. I’d been looking at Ursula LeGuin’s book on writing called Steering the Craft where she urges you to have fun with your language and that is what I did when I had Wally go into Herr Altmann’s study. She delivers a drawing to him (it’s of her body) and as he unrolls it the sense of menace builds up. A powerful man who abuses his privileged position, I portray him as a vile and ultimately ridiculous fool.

If your book was made into a movie, who would you cast?

Egon Schiele is the enfant terrible of the art world – stylish, handsome, louche. A young David Tennant, therefore, would be perfect but as time waits for no man I’m going to have to give the role to a younger model. Possibly Eddie Redmayne. As for Wally, his red-haired model, I would go for Sophie Turner (Sansa Stark in Game of Thrones) or Kate Mara, while the cold Emilie Flöge would be best played by Tilda Swinton or Cate Blanchett. Then there’s Klimt – not too sure who I’d like to play him. Nick Frost? The Artist’s Muse would make a wonderful film!

What is your next project?

My next project is a novel set during the Spanish Civil War. It again looks at misogyny, this time when used as a weapon in war. The trigger for the action is a war crime perpetrated by Franco’s Nationalists in a finca near the village of Fuentes de Andalucia. The soldiers, tired after a grueling campaign, kidnap local women. They are forced to cook and dance for the soldiers. Then they are raped, murdered and thrown down a well. The soldiers return to the village, bloodied underwear trailing like flags from the tips of their rifles.

What role does research play in your writing?

Research is key. It helps add authenticity to your work. When researching The Artist’s Muse two texts became central to the novel. The first was Otto Weiniger’s Sex and Character published in 1903 which is a pseudo-scientific attempt at illustrating the differences between men and women. It’s a work of unparalleled misogyny, so full of odious opinions that I found it hard to choose just one quotation to sum it up. However, the one for which I’ve opted should give you a flavor: ‘Woman,’ Weininger writes, ‘is soulless and possesses neither ego nor individuality, personality nor freedom, character nor will.’ The other text is by an Austrian feminist called Adelheid Popp. It’s called The Autobiography of a Working Woman and it shows the hardships poor working class women had to endure at the beginning of the 20th century in Vienna. I used much of the detail presented in this book to fill in the gaps and add authenticity to Wally Neuzil’s early life.

How successful has your quest for reviews been so far?

I’ve got quite a few in the UK but have struggled to get many in the USA, which is a shame, as I believe the US readership would love my story. I haven’t tried very hard to get more but that’s because I don’t know how to. Part of me hopes that the book will speak for itself, but I realize that readers need to know about it before that can happen.

Who is your favorite fictional character and why?

This changes constantly and depends on which book I’ve read recently. At this point in time, my favorite is Tabitha in Francis Spufford’s On Golden Hill. She’s really very intriguing. Nasty? Quite possibly. Prickly? Of course. But there’s something quite desperate about her that makes my heartbreak. Her own worst enemy.

Who are the writers that have influenced your work?

I studied French literature from the 11th through early 20th century as an undergraduate and specialized in 17th-century French drama and Proust’s A la Recherche du Temps Perdu for my Masters. My studies have given me an appreciation of well-written literature irrespective of genre and context. However, when I’m writing I immerse myself in books that do well whatever it is I’m aiming to achieve at that time.  If pushed I would have to say that Proust is my turn-to author when I need general inspiration. He combines great insight with a sharp wit that spares no one, least of all himself – a valuable attribute in a writer. The writing of Richard Flanagan (Gould’s Book of Fish/ The Narrow Road to the Deep North) is also a favorite, but in truth, there are so many great books out there.

  How can you discover more about Kerry Postle?

Blog | Instagram | Twitter | Goodreads |  Amazon Author Page | Amazon UK | Amazon | Website

    Kerry Postle, author of The Artist's Muse @kerry_postle #historicalfiction When and why did you begin writing? I’ve always written, mainly articles, but it wasn’t until 2015 that I decided to write my first novel, The Artist’s Muse.

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Brisbane tattoos best designers

In the case of selecting brisbane tattoos, those that are available form of small roses are one of the best this is because an expert from a tattoo shop in brisbane told me so.

Brisbane tattoos;

Amongst all of the wrist tattoos and star tattoos are considered as most likely essentially the most well-appreciated ones. These tattoos are straightforward, symmetric, little and versatile, therefore they're perfect tattoos for wrist. Inspiration, gentle and hope are a few of the star tattoo meanings. These tattoos might be placed in quite a few manners on the wrist. You are able to have a single star tattoo or a tattoo with cluster of stars. You'll be able to even combine these tattoos with other tattoos like heart tattoos, fairy tattoos and banner tattoos. Trigram star tattoo, Star of David tattoo, nautical star tattoo, capturing star tattoo, and so on. are some rather more wrist tattoo suggestions for women and men.

Women more nominally beholden to gender norms Brisbane tattoos - notably straight, married ciswomen - nonetheless fight expectations of ladylike purity enforced by romantic companions, dad and mom and friends. Mothers with tattoos may be perceived as unfit as a result of they're dirty or immoral; the very ink on their skin is perceived as tainting their female virtues. Tattooed girls typically really feel pressured to cowl up their work on their marriage ceremony day, maybe the most traditionally ladylike day of their lives. Thompson, who covers her tattoos round her father, found this challenging as a result of her extensive ink. The day I received married, I had to find a costume that may conceal all my tattoos - no simple feat!” she recalled. Additionally, I felt I had to warn the bridal store clerks about my tattooed state, as a result of I felt so out of place in that kind of retailer.

For the highest of your wrist or the within of your wrist, an Om symbol appears good. Sanskrit is definitely a spoken language, so it has a number of completely different writing methods. In most of those writing methods, Om appears to be like pretty darn cool - and it's a powerful mystic symbol as well. Om is among the sounds which created the universe, and the written image for Om additionally represents the Hindu God Knowledge and Success, Ganesha.

All you do is stick them on and you have a cool tattoo to point out your folks, or to scare your mother and father with. When you have kids or grandchildren you also might recall them desirous to have a short lived stick on tattoo out of the machines at supermarkets and from different businesses that use them as a promotional tactic. There may be simply one thing concerning the tattoo's that entice the eye of everyone.

However because the tattoos fade from the our bodies of women, the tradition has not fully disappeared. It stays in several points of the Aures area's culture, and throughout the indigenous cultures of North Africa. Symbols used in tattooing are additionally found on dishes and woven into rugs.

Such is the case proper across city Brisbane tattoos, where avenue kid-turned-radio broadcaster Cedrick Mukemwanga says he regrets his decision to mark his body a couple of years earlier. At just thirteen, Mukemwanga obtained his first tattoo at a roadside stand for simply $2.

Please send clear digital pictures of the highest quality possible to tattoolit@ Photographs needs to be round 2000 pixels across, or a minimum 300 dpi at 5 inches wide, but in the event you're undecided about all of the technical stuff, simply set your digital camera to its highest resolution and send the best photograph you can. Textual content must be included in the physique of the e-mail, not as an hooked up doc. Also be sure to include one or more items of contact data, so we can let you already know if you're going to be in the e-book.

In learning first impressions of people who have tattoos, researchers have found that avatars (neutral) with tattoos and other body modifications were rated as extra prone to be thrill and journey seekers, to have the next number of previous sexual companions, and to be less inhibited than non-tattooed avatars. This study looked at basic stigma related to folks sporting tattoos.

The rose would all the time unmistakably signify beauty in addition to nature. From that viewpoint, a rose tattoo for women and girls could be perfect in a giant approach. Nonetheless, whenever you dig deeper, the colour this flower would always carry a particular significance, and can thus is an excellent approach of speaking any special message of significance, and be a gift from one side, and a beautiful option to express one's self worth for the complete world to see. In truth, rose tattoos - each small and massive are beautiful in case of girls in addition to men, for irrespective of where they're painted, they make mythical creation, which lifts the spirit up by quite a few notches.

Now in her early seventies with Brisbane tattoos, a vibrant scarf-turned-headband holds again Roqaya's hennaed hair. Carrying a blue gondora (a conventional costume) and a wool belt tied round her waist, she sits with excellent posture. Roqaya's class is striking in her rural farmhouse surrounded by wheat fields. She has lived here in L'green, a village outdoors the town of Chemora, all her life.

People who really like the Tattoo Design innings of work, however where work ethic was accredited tattoos - most of the time they use their deployment arm their half cover design. The reason is very simple. This tattoo is much easier to cover than within the forearm.

The different types and shape of the tattoo will usually enhance both the appearance in addition to the attraction of the entire lower back area. The design of the tattoo is mostly a petite and shallow curvature that permits it to fit completely to the curves of the female backside and natural curves of her hips. The decrease again tattoo helps to focus on an already breathtaking part of the female anatomy plus enrich an half that's well-known for its sensuality.

Tattooing, (which is a Tahitian phrase that means to be marked”) in some cultures, has solely the ladies being allowed to do the markings. The cherry blossoms, symbols of regeneration, had been added by Illya at Studio City Tattoos in California. Tattooing is a way ancestral used thousands of years ago. In these days getting tattoos meant being a part of a tribe, or faith , like pirates with their skeleton image tattoo. The Lightspeed survey discovered that 89 p.c of those people who had tattoos said they did not care if individuals disproved of their body ink and 46 percent mentioned they'd proudly present their tattoo to their bosses at work. His tattoos are a piece in progress and he has had about eight hours performed thus far.

I never posted the images as a result of the decision was low, and after I tried to extend the size, they blurred. I used to be going to include these within the Christmas housecleaning publish, however the work is just too good. Thanks to Marisa for stopping on the road and consenting to share her wonderful tattoos with us right here on Tattoosday! Whether or not you choose a butterfly tattoo on toes, tribal tattoos on the shoulder, or on any place in between, be certain that it's the place the place you will have it to stay. In relation to tattoos, there are not any do-overs! I heartily recommend this title and at a list value of $14.99, it won't break the bank. FHM-US Magazine revealed their annual listing of the a hundred Sexiest Ladies within the World 2002 as voted on by their readers. The poll offers a fascinating perception into the recognition of tattoos amongst female celebrities. Celso credited Artur at True Love Tattoo in São Paolo for inking his dragon and his mermaid.

The average Brisbane tattoos should associate extensive tattoos with biker gangs and, maybe, Suicide Girls , however as the tattoo form has evolved in recent many years, ladies are difficult what it means to be lined in ink and what's doable within the form. It's about time the rest of society started to get used to it.

Tattooing has gone through its ups and downs over the centuries, and has even been banned many occasions in different cultures for intervals of time. It seems though that tattooing will never really go away. During periods of a ban it appears to go underground until such time it is free to resurface.

Nonetheless, the myth of the tattoos' safety of women isn't entirely unfounded. When examining the tattoos themselves, a prominent symbol found on the forehead, known as burnous, represents an Algerian soldier's coat made of animal skin. One other fashionable symbol, rikab, represents horse stirrups. Each are clearly masculine symbols, referring to Algerian troopers or powerful males - protectors.

Last 12 months, it seems, after I first posted ( right here ) about Eve Talmadge's call for submissions, I was a bit jealous in a why-did not-I-assume-of-doing-that kind of method. But I shortly acquired over the inkblogger envy and waited with anticipation to see how this could turn out.

The pair will be fronting a brand new sequence on MTV, where couples will design tattoos for each other - however solely get to see them when it's been inked on to their actual our bodies. THE WORDS TO EACH TUNE: Music Tattoos from Around the Globe (working title, solutions welcome), edited by Eva Talmadge.

Taking the time to decide on simply the suitable design is of utmost importance as a result of this is something you will have to dwell with for the remainder of your life. Tattooing the name Bob simply because he's essentially the most current flame is probably not a clever alternative especially when the actual Mr. Right comes alongside. He could not admire the fixed reminder.

Connecting Tattoos: One option to find yourself with a sleeve tattoo is to take already present tattoos which can be on the arm and by some means find a unifying theme to connect them collectively. For example one might need a horseshoe tattoo for good luck on their bicep and want to join this and extend the design down their arm. So they might decide on some flames and a pair of lucky cube to go together with the horseshoe.

Name Brisbane tattoos on wrist are probably probably the most basic RIP wrist tattoos one can wear, and this is just because the wrist isn't a part of the physique precisely the place giant designs may very well be produced. It's normally nice to be hooked up emotionally with someone's memory, and tattooing the name of the person who was somebody unique is really a extraordinarily distinctive method to maintain in touch along with his or her reminiscences. Tattoo is often in entrance of the eyes, and distinctive people can normally be remembered in this approach.

Though the custom is culturally maintained, within the near future ladies within the Aures will no longer bear the tattoos. The tattoos have solely endured as a result of the women carrying them have, and at age ninety, Rabaiya Milawi acknowledged that her technology is disappearing.

Another fashionable technique to advertises is to sit down down on the laptop and create a flyer or brochure or poster after which print out mass portions for distribution, typically you will not have the design experience to do that and so must contract designers which might be fairly expensive. You are not completed but both, now you have to distribute them all over for the flyer to be effective which means plenty of leg work or else contracting and paying a distribution firm.

While the church would not oppose tattoos in precept, Abbot Donatien Nshole Babula, the primary assistant secretary of the DRC's Nationwide Episcopal Convention, notes that that is more about the prevalence of Western influences amongst young Congolese.

The United States never noticed a lot of this taking place earlier than the 20th century. Although divorce was codified in Roman law two thousand years ago, the American norms were set in religious views that had been damaging toward separated couples.

Matt explained that the concept behind this tattoo is simply that there are two sides to all the pieces. He collaborated on the design with the tattoo artist Sean Malone , who works out of Rose Metropolis Tattoos in Rahway, New Jersey. I ve seen some photos the place some girls from Etihad had been using a scarf(pink or orange) in the uniform...but I really do not know if it can be seen whereas I m carrying the Etihad uniform. The three pawprints tattooed below the elbow, on the left facet of the picture, above, signify his three dogs (2 Cocker Spaniels and a mutt).

Additionally I am 22 and have had no work experience... dropped out of uni (in December 2014) as I decided this is what I wished to pursue. Do you assume this is a downside? Though they do say 21 and over for cc software. After learning at Kinshasa's Nice Arts Academy, Kinfumu needed to pursue his dream of changing into an artist. With restricted job prospects in the field, he decided to tattoo others, utilizing human canvasses to display his creations. There are a variety of completely different inventive representations of these playing cards out on the internet, which tells me that they function inspiration for a lot of people. The artist is Nacho, who appeared once earlier than on the blog right here You can check out Nacho's work here in New York, he tattoos out of Studio Enigma on Avenue U. The 28-year-previous turned hooked on self-tattooing after an armed group recruited him for Brisbane tattoos studios.