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writingtoforgetreality · 4 years ago

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Help You - Little Movie Star Chapter Six (Jensen Ackles x Daughter!Reader)

[Actors-Masterlist], [Little Movie Star-Masterlist]

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Summary: Your auditions were coming up. You would lie if you said you were not nervous but you remembered your lines. So nothing could go wrong. Maybe something would. But that something was not associated with the auditions.

Words: 2,003

Warnings: nervousness, little fangirl moment, anxiety, dark thoughts, panic attack, a lil sass, fluff, love for Jared <3, (Y/A) = your age

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

~2016~

“You know your lines?” Jensen asked for the thirtieth time today. Honestly, if you did not know better, you would say he was more nervous than you.

“I do, Jensen.” you did not ask him to stop questioning you. All you did was sending him a smile. Seating yourself in front of your laptop, (Jensen gave you his old one so you could write) you breathed slowly & controlled. Yes, you were nervous but you had a good feeling. Jensen & Danneel, both wanting to support you, each took seats right behind the laptop, only for you to see.

The first audition went by smoothly. You remembered all of your lines & implemented what was asked of you. Once you started, your nervousness faded away & you were delivering the lines confidently. At the end, they told you they would let you know as soon as they discussed everything with the rest of the crew.

“I’m proud of you, (Y/N).” Jensen stated after you ended the video call. Nobody had ever told you that. It meant a lot to you & he could tell by the way you reacted. Now, the waiting began. Jared had asked you to text him once you were done & you did. Letting him know that everything went fine.

You were more anxious for the Marvel audition. Unsure why, your heart was racing & your hands were trembling. It was not any different than the first one. Well, except for the fact that THE Russo Brothers were the ones doing the audition. You had been a fan of their work for years & wanted to deliver perfectly. Also, being part of the next Avengers movie? Surreal. You remembered it so clearly, when you watched your first Marvel movie in theaters. It was now or never. Again, Jensen & Danneel stood close by, hoping it would calm you down just the slightest.

Throughout your audition, you forgot your lines once or twice but covered it immediately by improvising a scene that you found fitting. It was weird. Sitting in front of a laptop, acting out a scene you were rehearsing before. You imagined working on film sets with other people to be easier. Here, you could only focus on the screen in front of you & Joe & Anthony Russo were not exactly people you wanted to focus on. Hell, you were acting like a crazy little fangirl.

“So, (Y/N).” Anthony started. “We actually have a few more auditions for this role coming up.” in the corner of your eye, you saw Jensen picking up his phone & walking out of the room. Huh, weird…

“I really don’t think we need to see more, though.” Joe continued.

“What we’re trying to say is that, if you want to, you got the role.” Anthony finished, smiling brightly. What did he just say?

“Really?” you could not believe it. They wanted you! YOU! Someone who had never acted before. The Russo’s simply nodded at you & told you that every piece of information would be sent to you in the following days. Somehow, you managed to end the video call professionally but not before thanking them again & again. They said you were a natural & a perfect addition to their new movie. And you were just loving everything at the moment.

Running over to Danneel, you hugged her tightly. She congratulated you, telling you that this was what you deserved. When you wanted to ask where Jensen was, he reentered the room, a big smile plastered on his face.

“I got the role!”

“You got the role!” the two of you said at the same time.

“What? I thought you were on the phone, how do you know?” how could he know about you getting the role if he was not even there?

“You’re talking about the Marvel one?” his eyes grew wide. You nodded & he pulled you into a hug.

“Today’s your lucky day, angel.” Jensen picked up that nickname from Danneel & you sure as hell were not complaining. “Just got off the phone with our producer. Welcome to the Supernatural Family.” it took you a moment to process what he said.

“Wait…Does that mean-?” Jensen nodded. “Oh my god! This is crazy…” you were pacing now. This being the only thing you could do at the moment.

“Congrats, (Y/N)! We need to celebrate!” he immediately called Jared to tell him the great news.

A celebration party was set up for this evening. Everyone was coming. The Padalecki’s, this time with Tom & Shep (& baby number three that was already growing inside Gen’s belly). Jensen’s parents were invited as well which meant that you would meet them for the first time. You were not a fan of parties, especially when the attention was on you, but Jensen & Danneel were so excited while planning everything, you did not want to ruin it by admitting that you actually disliked events like this. Being the center of a crowd made you uneasy but you just got two acting roles, you could play pretend for a few hours, right?

The party was not as bad as you first expected it to be. Meeting your grandparents for the first time was nice, they welcomed you warmly & told you that they were glad they could finally meet you in person. Everyone here knew about your upcoming roles but you were asked to keep it secret for the time being. People would find out soon enough anyway. This celebration tonight was more than you had ever had. Not even once had you had a birthday party or something similar. You were not used to these kinds of things. Apparently, you should get used to them since such parties occurred more often with these people. Though you had to admit that it would be a challenge for you. You liked each & every one of these people here but still, there were these tiny voices in your head that just would not shut up. Telling you that you did not deserve to have them in your life, that you were not good enough to be an actor, that they were better off without you. Shaking your head to rid yourself of these awful thoughts, you could feel your breathing becoming irregular. Shit, please not now. Not in front of everyone. You had to get out of here, you could not have a full blown panic attack when you were supposed to celebrate & have fun. Looking around the room, you saw that the kids were playing & the others were caught up in a conversation. If you were to make an exit, now would be the time. Without a second thought, you got up & hurried out of the room, heading for the safety of your own bedroom.

Shutting the door behind you, you did not even make it to your bed. You fell down to your knees & crawled the remaining distance to your bed where you sat with your back pressed to it. Your breakdown was stupid, you knew that. You got two acting roles, something you had dreamed about ever since you were little. You had a family where, for the first time, you felt like you actually belonged. Hell, there were people here to celebrate you. But the past always seemed to catch up with you, no matter how hard you tried to move on. You could not breathe. Why could you not breathe? If you did not get yourself together, you might actually pass out. Shit, you could not do this alone. But you also did not have the strength to get up. Your phone was left at the party because you forgot it in your state of panic. Trying to yell for someone to help you, you found that your voice had left you.

Experiencing panic attacks like this was everything but fun. Like you were the main character in a horror movie & you made all the stupid mistakes the audience usually joked about. There was no way to escape. You did not hear the knock on your door, neither did you feel when a presence sat down right next to you. But still, nobody was touching you. And you were grateful for that because who knew how you would have reacted to anyone touching you.

“You gotta breathe for me, (Y/N). In & out, in & out. Try to match my breathing.” was the first thing you heard after minutes. You knew the voice but could not tell who it belonged to. Not that it mattered in the moment. Having someone to tell you how to breathe was all you needed.

“There you go, you’re doing great.” the voice encouraged you. Your breathing slowly returned to normal & you were exhausted like crazy. Looking to your right, you found Jared sitting next to you, smiling slightly. Shit, you just embarrassed yourself in front of him.

“You okay?” he asked, still concerned about you.

“I’m sorry.” your voice was hoarse & it felt like almost every ounce of strength had left your body because of this panic attack.

“Nothing to be sorry for.” he assured you. “I could tell you didn’t hear me right away & I wasn’t sure if you were okay with me touching you so I tried my best to get your breathing back to normal.” you were unsure how to answer him. You knew he struggled with his own mental health. Maybe he thought you were faking this. At least other people always believed you wanted attention whenever you went through an episode like that. It was the exact opposite, if you were completely honest.

Silence filled the room once again. Jared was not done with talking, though.

“Do Jensen & Dee know?” you scoffed at that. If they knew they probably would have never set up this party in the first place.

“I guess that’s a no then.” he answered his question himself. “How long have you had these?” maybe it was the fact that you were too tired, but you found yourself opening up to Jared.

“Ever since I can remember.” admitting something like that was not easy but it was the truth.

“You should tell them.”

“So they have another reason to send me back?” Jared widened his eyes at your statement. Were you really thinking that?

“They would never, & I really mean NEVER, send you back, (Y/N). They care for you a lot & they’d be more than open to help you with this. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

“Oh yeah? Well, I’ve been dealing with this for (Y/A) years on my own & I’m doing just fine.” the moment you said it, you heard that you were way too harsh with him. That was not your intention. “Sorry, Jared. I didn’t mean it like that.” looking down to avoid his stare, you waited for him to get up & walk out of your room. He did not, though. No. But his next question caught you off guard.

“You want a hug?” that was all you needed at the moment. A slight nod of your head made Jared pull you closer to his body. His embrace felt like a safe haven & you were happy that he was the one who followed you upstairs. Jared let you hug him for as long as you needed. Right now, you were all that mattered. And if you did not want to tell Jensen or Danneel, he would. They were his best friends & if he knew you were struggling, it was his job to let them know as well.

“We’ll get through this together, I promise.” pressing a soft kiss on the top of your head, he could feel you tightening your grip on him. For once, you wanted to trust another person’s promise. For once, you needed another person to keep their promise. You were not sure if you could keep going otherwise.

~to be continued~

Next Chapter

Published (04/24/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @vicmc624, @imaginationisgrowth, @stoneyggirl, @alyispunk, @thevelvetseries, @multifandomlover121, @samsgirl93, @supernatural3002, @diabetes-03, @prettyybubblesintheair, @originalsoulcollector, @vir-tual, @bellero, @sergantbuckybarnes, @namelesslosers (let me know if you wanna be tagged <3)

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endae · 4 years ago

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status update

hi friends, hope you’re doing well ❤️ I know unless we talk every day, it’s been pretty quiet on this front and wanted to provide a little update of sorts

mishmash of things under the cut

lumping the personal stuff all in one go: I’m still kind of taking a beating from the pandemic. as I’ve vaguely mentioned before, I've gone through a lot this past year and still feel like I’m trying to get back on my feet. the sheer number and magnitude of hardships knocked me down pretty rough, and shook the foundation of my life pretty severely. I’m really fortunate to have never gotten sick (first vaccine dose this week!), but mentally I’ve been struggling to put my mind towards anything other than just surviving this. as a result of it, it’s been this ugly cycle of trying to work on new WIPs, not loving my own writing because i’ve been out of the game so long, feeling rusty, browsing old stuff where it felt stronger, getting discouraged, rinse and repeat. it won’t fix itself in a day, but that’s where we’re I'm at.

WIP stuff

still working on getting all of my older fics transferred onto AO3. that’s what most of my lockdown has been about, rewriting old works when I didn’t have the energy to work on new ones. I’ve still got 9 left, and they do take a bit of time. Out and Alive is next on the list, and it’s about 98% done.

I’m currently re-reading Ashes to patch up some parts of the story that go against canon logic. they’re things that weren’t as well defined in the show, but with the combination of the show + journal 3, we gained some pieces and context for things that we didn’t have before. they also just happen to be things that invalidate certain pieces of my own story. I’d been planning this as early as March 2016, before the journal came out, and didn’t put a magnifying glass as close to it as I should've when it was released. cue the "twist things to make it fit canon vs. write it off as an AU where anything goes: fight"

there’s a few points that need reworking in previous chapters, but I’m going to make a small A/N at the start of chapter 5 to summarize what’s changed. It’s nothing demanding a reread, and shouldn’t be more than a bullet point or two. It’s just tedious on my end trying to clean it up. but I say with confidence that a majority of this hiatus was just trying to untangle so many elements, existing and upcoming, and I think I'm finally at a point where I see things falling into place where I want them to. sincerely, that was probably 90% of the struggle (discrediting, just, life in general lol)

I’ve recognized that part of the reason this has been so slow going is I’m struggling with upcoming character roles I've never been very confident about. the vision I've always had for this was "if I'm going to do it, I need to do it perfectly," and that impossible standard has held me back considerably. I was hesitant to reach out for help, but a few friends have offered it in areas I feel like I’m not as strong in, and I really believe that those helping hands will get things progressing much more quickly.

chapter 5′s standing at 4.5k at present, most likely will end up at 6k

my original plan was 10 chapters, it’s now looking towards 12

I have several oneshots in the pipeline and no time to work on them. please send help

I think that’s about it. even though it goes for long stretches of silence here, I am sincerely grateful for everyone that has stuck around, and even more so for the ones who I’ve been talking with every day through this pandemic. my ask box is always open here, and I’m much more active on Discord.

lots of love always. I hope you’re all taking care and keeping safe ❤️

-Ulq

#not fic #text #not really an update but those rianda tweets about alt season 2 have kept me up at night #shoutout to the 9 separate people who came barging into my DMs the day of #also. please come talk to me I have thoughts

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purecamp · 4 years ago

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RE: Sharon

okay so, i think this has been a long time coming. back when people were anonymously harassing me, i guess they wanted to bully a traumatised 17 year old into a statement, and i definitely wasn’t gonna give in to that. i guess i can speak now.

i want to be VERY clear on a few things.

1. i do not, in any way, support or excuse the previous genuinely racially insensitive behaviour (so not the RHPS mix up, for example) of sharon. i never have, as you will have seen on posts about it before.

2. you should always believe the victim until proven otherwise.

3. believing the victim does NOT mean you should immediately jump on, cancel, and harass the accused, or their friends and family.

4. i am not defending her nor am i claiming the accusations are false.

so now i’m going to share some thoughts. you’re under no obligation to read, however, do NOT send me abusive asks or demands without reading the whole thing. or just don’t in general, because i’m sick of it.

first of all i need you to understand that what went down at the end of june was very traumatic for me. you can laugh all you want if you’re going to be a dick, but that’s what it was. i have been a fan of sharon since 2016, when i was 13 years old, and so she’s been a huge part of my adolescence as i’ve grown into the person i am today. i was shy, insecure and young, and through my devotion to her, the new friends i made because of her, and my increasing confidence, i changed and grew a lot into someone i am happy to be, partly due to her. i held her very close to my heart, as you all know. the allegation was devastating to me, and i openly and truthfully admit that i cried on and off for a full week after they came out. any time i thought about her or saw her name, i would start to tear up and cry again. i felt totally crushed, and essentially began grieving the loss of someone i loved.

i want to be sure that you know i did not idolise sharon. i never wanted to be her or be like her, nor did i view her as a role model. drag queens as a whole are not role models, they are entertainers who originally used to thrive on shock, deviance and contemporary culture before drag race became a thing. she was never my idol, but i loved her art and i cared for her as a person.

for a good while i avoided her entirely, online and in my own mind. i was horrified and in too much pain to brush it aside, as i expect everyone was. i had read the document, and would revisit it to hurt myself, until i realised how damaging that was to my mental health, and vowed to stop. i never viewed it again, which is why some of the details i won’t be discussing purely bc i don’t remember, and i refused to think about it, rereading old favourite series to distract myself and burying my head.

in recent months i’ve allowed myself to think on things a little more, and formed my own opinions on the matter. i may be wrong, i may not. for now, none of us know the full truth.

i can say with full certainty that the nature of sharon and annecy’s relationship was unusual and unhealthy. i do NOT believe it was predatory, nor intended to manipulate, cause harm, or gain something sinister.

it seems to me that what is described happening, for the most part, is true, but not as sinister and deliberately harmful as it has been presented to us. we all know people around us, people who love us, can cause us harm unintentionally, and this is what the situation strikes me as. (i maintain the fact that i could be wrong, however, please take my thoughts with a pinch of salt and not as gospel). i believe that their parents should have been more aware and more careful. i think they should have used more discretion. i think sharon and other adults should have been better, and they weren’t.

what happened to them is heartbreaking to read about, and i really feel for their pain and trauma. i don’t believe this trauma was inflicted intentionally, nor do i agree with (the fanbase mostly) the presentation of sharon as an evil, p*dophilic predator, preying on a helpless young girl. annecy was in an inappropriate place for someone of their age, at the time, and sharon misused her power, not in a position to be responsible like she should’ve been. to be clear, though: she was not a sexual predator or p*dophile, and these accusations which have come purely from fans and not from the document itself, should be cut right now.

i want everyone involved to have access to the resources they need in order to recover, learn, change, and grow. i don’t hate anyone involved. i want this to be clear as well.

furthermore - the document has since been deleted. a few things i know are that sharon has been in contact with lawyers, understandably, and this is why she hasn’t made a statement as so many people are demanding of her. if you think having a lawyer makes you guilty... i don’t know what to say, other than that’s a weird view to have. i don’t know if the deletion is to do with the lawyers, or if it was their own decision. i also know that they have gone on to accuse lists and lists of people - some that i can remember including morgan mcmichaels, jinkx monsoon, alaska, alaska’s brother cory, detox, bendelacreme - of inappropriately touching them while they were a minor, as well as (proven falsely) claiming that aquaria was also abused by sharon, and sent underage nudes to her. again, this was not true, and at least for me, casts doubt on the credibility of the idea of sharon as an evil person and determined abuser.

like i said - i’m not saying that sharon didn’t act inappropriately, because she 100% did, and i find this very upsetting. i’m just saying that i don’t believe there was deliberate ill-intention or harm behind any of what happened, besides a fucked up situation between some fucked up people.

i don’t know how to end this, so i’ll leave it here. i hope this makes some kind of sense and that i haven’t dug myself into a hole.

i don’t support or excuse what she did. i don’t deny that it happened. but i don’t think i hate her anymore.

lastly, i have been given permission to tell you to direct any rude comments to my legal representative @veronicasanders who read through this for me, who will “happily rip their assholes out of their throats for harassing you.”

i understand that you may have criticism for me, but i have thought long and hard about my opinions and i hope you can respect them.

#my thoughts

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years ago

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y’know the wildest thing still to happen to me on this hellsite was my first experience of sexting, sans nudes, that was done in front of at least 250-500 followers because of those horny anons i had in early 2013 when i was 17. instead of being exposed to it on my phone privately with a partner at that age, it was done publicly for the internet to see lmao. i remember begging the anons to stop and “come off anon” because i was “losing followers” at the time too bc i was so insecure about my follower count lmao. and then yeah when they came off anon they were both 28 years old.

to write the responses, i just consulted cosmo mag sex pages for ideas hoping that the anons would like the options i chose. in one i detailed doing anal- a sex act i hadn’t even done yet irl- let alone every other thing i suggested in them (head, idek long, drawn out foreplay, some stupid fancy sex moves that cosmo was all like “use these moves to spice up your sex life 🔥🔥”, sex in a bath, i’m pretty sure i had some lines about tying or handcuffing them to a bed (????) etc etc etc)….

when again, i had never even done any of those above sex acts in real life. i was a naive teen who was incredibly shy in regards towards her love life because she’d “never been kissed” and had never had the “hot emo boyfriend whose in a band and is covered in tattoos” she’d always wanted, let alone even a boyfriend that she had actually fucking liked (ie clear braces boy, for like a month in year 9/2010 vs the popular boys that made fun of her, that she always had unrequited crushes on)…. hell, my blog title when i first started on here in 2011 was “the perfect epitome of being forever alone” because of these very reasons. but here she was, writing explicit sex acts to strangers like she knew what the fuck she was doing, to an audience of 250-500 people- and then to fucking grown ass men in inboxes. i was just parroting the shit i’d read in cosmo (both sex advice and sometimes excerpts of erotica/“sexy, steamy reads” they had some months) and also heard repeatedly in the porn that my high school stalker/creeper at public school loved to show (harass) me with to flirt with me, whenever we were alone together at school in 2012/2013.

like you could tell how naive i was….. because i used ridiculous lines like “like a gentleman entranced, you lead me to the bath for our next foray” and dumbass prose-y things like that. because what the fuck does that even mean 😂😅????

and this is why i think minors should be careful with their online experiences. like yeah, you could say that i wasn’t a minor anymore- more of a “young adult”- who should of made the smart decision to not engage with these anons. but i was a kid. i thought it was fun. and when the dudes came off anon, i thought to myself “it’s not like i’m ever gonna meet them if i ever go to the US or puerto rico at any point. it’s not like that they’ll ever recognise me in person or ever reach out to me again in the future. i might as well do it.” and i did eventually end up ignoring the guys in my inbox, due to my mental health kinda plummeting from the middle til the end of 2013 because of my end of high school exams and stuff… and also the puerto rican guy’s infamously inappropriate “hot PE teacher fucks HOT female high school student in the girls change room showers” fantasy which fucking disgusted me, when he full well knew that i was STILL IN high school.

and obviously again, there’s the point about using the “block” button function. but as i’ve stated several times over my years on here, back in my early days of tumblr, i never wanted to block or unfollow people (even if they were trash like these two men), because it seemed so “mean” and “final”. obvs now i have no qualms about blocking people, and actively encourage younger people on here to use the block button with reckless abandon towards creepy people or people who can hurt them in some way. but to high school teenage me, the whole “using the block button” thing seemed to go against me being a “nice girl/person” so i never used it, no matter which social media platform i was on.

this is why i’m hella scared for young teen girls on tik tok wanting to have onlyfans accounts: because it’s where they’ll be exposed to ACTUAL CREEPS AND PREDATORS incredibly quickly; all because they can make money off selling images of just their feet or eventually their body….. depending on what these creepy strangers demand from them….. and they’ll feel like they’ll have to do it…. but to do it before you even start experimenting properly with relationships and sex is even worse. like. yeah. i’ve admitted before that i originally started this tumblr to possibly post nudes, to see if i’d get the positive feedback that i so desperately wanted/craved from the boys in my year at catholic school- eg. to be called “sexy”, “hot”, “fuckable” possibly “beautiful”- like some of the so called “popular girls” got on their hella basic bikini photos back then (like i remember one girl i knew ended up with like 500 likes and a fair amount of comments on one of her bikini pics and i was INCREDIBLY BITTER because not even a pic of me with a nice outfit on, my hair done and makeup on could EVER get those numbers, let alone even break over the double digits).

but i decided posting nudes or other explicit images on here was an absolute no go, because i realised that i never wanted people that i knew digging up barely clothed/naked pics of me and sending them to me all like “hey, is this you?” and then possibly mocking me, all because i would’ve been dumb enough to put my face in them probably at the time. now when i take nudes and send them, i never show my face. because i know now, that even in relationships, your partner can use nude pics as leverage for arguments or to abuse you in such a way that they’ll upload your pics without your knowledge to god knows where on the internet probably as a way to get back at you in a horrible breakup.

this is what i sincerely hope some young girls who ever contemplate starting onlyfans accounts take some time SERIOUSLY CONSIDER. please know that if you share shit on onlyfans, it can shared and re-shared (i think idek how OF works tbh) to god knows who- and eventually end up in the hands of people you know. i don’t fucking care if it’s a “good way to make money!” or if people think that im trying to stop teen girls from being “girl bosses” and the other dumb as fuck internet memes you want to throw at me. because this shit isn’t “haha internet meme funny” material. it’s some fucking serious stuff. and also, i’m not saying “don’t become a sex worker when you’re older” or whatever either. you’re free to make that choice when you’re in your 20s (no i even mean 17-19 year olds in this post as “young teen girls”- sorry you’re basically kids to me at almost 26). just please consider where the fuck your stuff can be shared to. who it can end up being shared with or to.

this is why i was so fucking adamant with my infamous old follower mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF that i personally would NOT consider becoming a camgirl for him or just generally… because i had no idea where the fuck my images or videos would end up. and do you know the places i’d never want them to fucking be??? in the hands of my high school stalker/creeper. in the hands of those two 28yo men from 2013 (who’d now be in there late 30s or early 40s). i absolutely don’t want them in the hands the mid-to-late 20s and early 30s men that that girl i met at public school in 2012 who was pissed that i didn’t believe that were “adults” because we were finally over the legal age of consent (16) in our state of australia, and so we were apparently fine to “fuck” literal grown ass men because “just fuck them and they’ll be nice to you!!” which i knew was fucking bullshit.

i absolutely don’t fucking want explicit videos/images of me ending up in “why the fuck won’t you let me give you “sex lessons” in the back of my car as a “favour” and as payment for teaching you how to drive you stupid, stuck up & frigid, virgin bitch!?” guy’s hands from 2014 (when i was 18/19 at the time and he was 25… he ended up being the first person of many i’d EVER block on social media lol). or i don't want them in the hands of those weird early 20s dudes (one of which was trying to set me up with his friend) who hit on me at 16/17 (2012) who were angry that i didn’t like and watch porn as much as they did…. and who promptly asked me at the end of their period of harassing of me: “do you know any sluts we could add?” because i kept refusing their suggestions etc.

hell, quite frankly i don’t even want them to go to mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF either, but the very few and far between nudes that i sent on snapchat to him back in 2016 are some nudes that i’d rather forget lmao. hell. i don’t even know if MAF ever deleted my nudes or shared them somewhere else or not, after he fucking wheedled them out of me with “i’ve followed you for 4 years, don’t be a shit! you owe me nudes!” so he’d just shut the fuck up about my social life decisions and leave me the fuck alone.

i don’t want ANY ONE of the guys i mentioned above to get their hands on photos of minors either…. because i definitely know my hs stalker/creeper would… because his fave “make her jealous” tactic that he’s always used on me is that “hey…. i’m dating a *insert teenage girl’s age here*! be fucking jealous that you don’t fucking have me and feel guilty that you won’t fuck me like this girl does!!!” just like he did in 2015, when i ran into him on the home from uni… when i turned 20 the next week and he turned 20 that december. at that time it was a 14yo girl he used as an example of him “dating”/“fucking” to make me jealous. instead, i was completely and utterly fucking disgusted. like any fucking sane and normal human being would/should be at that horrible age gap. that is literally a fucking child that he was fucking grooming. and we were literal adults. back the fuck away.

just please. PLEASE CONSIDER the types of people that trawl these kinds of sites and their intentions. please consider that you are young. very fucking young. you literally DO NOT need to upload nudes to the internet because it’s apparently a “lucrative” business. fuck the jokey “boss babe” rhetoric around it all the way to fucking hell.

because if you’re a minor: i do not want you to have your first experience of sexting or sending explicit images literally in front of god knows how many total strangers for the whole world to see (okay i know only fans is like subscriber/follower based or whatever. but i don’t care)…… even when you (depending how good you are with relationships etc) haven’t reached the common supposed milestones of your “first boyfriend/girlfriend/partner” or “first kiss” or have even “lost your virginity” (which isn’t real anyway- don’t buy this fucking bullshit)…. just like i stupidly did with my exposure to sexting here on my tumblr back in 2013. these people don’t/won’t give a flying fuck about your privacy or safety. they don’t/won’t give a fuck about your boundaries either.

please don’t possibly scar yourself for life, just because you’re being told that it’s a quick & convenient way to make some money for weirdos on the depths of the internet. you will regret it in future. just like i do now with mine. it should’ve been something personal between me and and a guy i trusted and liked at the time. not to some random 250-500 random strangers on this hellsite (okay the notes on these posts were literally single digits or non-existent, but still… and also some of my irl friends who had tumblr saw these posts as well) for a show….. and then privately with two 28yo literal grown ass men…. who should’ve been fucking hitting on women their own goddamned age and in their own countries and NOT a 17yo high school KID (at the time) from australia; who, now in her 20s, needs therapy to sort this shit out lmao. mind you they both reeled me in with the “you’re so mature for your age” bullshit line…. which i fell for a little bit, even if it did make me feel kinda gross at the time, too. don’t fall for that bullshit either.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #relationships i guess #internet stuff #this went in a bigger direction that i thought it would lmao #but anyway

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youngbugandtonystank · 4 years ago

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Hi. Do u have a list of when the CW, HC, IW, Endgame, and FFH happened? The MCU timeline is an utter mess. HC happened around Sep 2016. If it started 2 months after CW, it means CW took place in June (before Peter's birthday that's why Tony thought he was still 14 in HC). The school year would've already ended atm, but why did Peter say he had homework? Then IW happened in 2018, but which months? All I know it's; 1) before Aug, bcs Tony said his wedding decoy date was Aug 27, (cont.)

(cont.) 2) after Jan, bcs Betty said they already took their midterm test before The Snap. And then Endgame happened 5 years later (2023). Was that exactly 5 years or 5 years and few months? We know FFH happened during summer (June 2024). If it took place 8 months after The 2nd Snap, it means Endgame took place in Oct 2023? But how long it took for the Avengers to build the time travel machine? When did exactly Scott return? Sept? Ugh. Please help me clear my mind or I might implode. Thanks!

Hi!

I answered something similar to this here and here. In one of those, I posted the official timeline Marvel created after Homecoming.

1942 - 1945: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) 1995: Captain Marvel (2019) 2009: Iron Man (2008) 2010: Iron Man 2 (2010), The Incredible Hulk (2011), Thor (2011) 2012: The Avengers (2012), Iron Man 3 (2013) 2013: Thor: The Dark World (2013) 2014: Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) 2015: Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Ant-Man (2015) 2016: Captain America: Civil War (2016), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), Black Panther (2018) 2016 - 2017: Doctor Stranger (2016) 2017: Thor: Ragnarok (2017) 2018: Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Ant-Man & the Wasp (2018) 2019: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)

The years on the left are the MCU timeline and the years between parentheses is the release date of the movies.

Civil War and Homecoming happened in 2016. Peter says he has homework in CW because as established in the timeline site, in June 2019, which has the same days of the week as June 2024, New York high schools finished on June 26th. And Tony met Peter on May 23, 2016.

Infinity War took place two years after CW and HOCO. Endgame started on October 3rd

Scott returns this day. Endgame begins in mid-2018 then the five years later jump happens, making it 2023. In the movie they confirm this, Ebony Maw from 2014 says that Nebula has come from ‘9 years in the future’. On October 9, they start working on the time travel theory Scott told them about, so between the 9th and the 16th, they’re working on the time machine/time heist.

In Infinity War, they reveal the decoy date for Tony and Pepper’s wedding: August 27th. And Infinity War starts mid-to-late May 2018, late April-early May 2018.

Here’s the MCU timeline with detailed facts and events from 2016. If you want to see more years, just change the year in the ‘timeline’ tag.

In FFH, Betty references the last day of their school before summer in June, and it’s mentioned that they were brought back 8 months ago. So you’re absolutely right, Endgame took place in October 2023. On October 27th, Peter comes back to school to reunite with Ned.

I don’t know why but it’s always the Spider-Man movies making the mistakes when it comes to dates. Here’s an example: they showed that the decathlon competition was on October 13-15, 2016 and then later they changed that to September 14, 2016.

In the first image, you can see the poster at the beginning of the movie and the second one was when Peter was about to ask if he could come back to the decathlon team before the competition. So you’re right when you say CW took place in June. Between May and June. The events of the airport happened in June 2016 and Tony visited Peter in May 2016 because that’s when he got Peter’s passport.

And yes, you’re right when you say Tony thought Peter was still 14 because Peter’s birthday is on August 10 and Tony met him on May 23, 2016.

lmao

If you don’t mind, I’m going to answer another ask that is similar to yours, this is for the anon asking for more details about the timeline and facts they could use for their irondad fics regarding said timeline:

1. Peter quits the school band on his birthday because of Spider-Man and his extra-curricular activities. He quit band expecting a call from Happy or Tony. But Tony was probably too heartbroken to even remember Peter’s birthday or something else.

2. Mysterio's crew learn Tony left an inheritance for Peter on June 27th, 2024 and Peter gets that inheritance on June 28th.

3. Peter’s identity is revealed on July 10th.

4. On July 17th, Coney Island reopens eight years after what happened between Peter and Toomes. That means Toomes has been in prison (maybe, we still don’t know because of the snap, he could’ve died and then after the blip escaped) for around eight years.

5. Flash is now famous lmao given that the Daily Bugle gave everyone his real name and nickname thanks to the video he provided of the attack on the bridge tower.

6. Ned is also famous too since he gave a statement to the news about Night Monkey lmao a very funny one: “He’s like some kind of European knock-off, I guess? Which is cool, I mean, Spider-Man is awesome and other countries probably need their own spider-power-based heroes just in case, but I’ve seen Spider-Man before and that definitely wasn’t him. He was all in black. Spider-Man doesn’t wear black. So, like, case closed.”

7. The raid on Area 51 is canon in the MCU lmao

8. The Daily Bugle reached out to some of the teachers at Midtown High School for more background on Peter but they declined to comment.

9. On October 17th Tony sees Peter again after 5 years and dies the same day.

10. Tony's funeral was on October 29th. So that means Peter returned to school and then had to grieve his father-figure and then attend his funeral on October 29th. Talk about traumatic life events...

11. On May 30th, 2018 Tony was discussing his wedding plans with Pepper on Central Park, and Peter was on a field trip to the Museum of Modern Art.

12. Happy is the only one that could’ve informed Nick Fury that Tony made Peter an Avenger, this means Tony and Happy talked about the kid while Peter was dead. These are just crumbs lmao but we have a little confirmation that Tony talked about Peter during those five years with someone other than Pepper. someone send your ‘happy and tony talk about peter and tony suffers a mental breakdown’ fics asap

13. Peter Parker died on May 31st, 2018.

:D only happy facts here

#irondad #tony stark #peter parker #spider-man #iron man #mcu #marvel #spiderson #infinity war #endgame #ffh #avengers

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fairycosmos · 4 years ago

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Sorry for bothering you angel but I have noone else to talk to.I really dont know what to do anymore. I'm so suicidal that I don't know how i'm still alive,how i'm able to breath it just doesn't feel right being alive.My mind keeps telling me to do something to end it all and I'm just numb.The worst thing is that even the closest person in my life doesn't know how bad it is bc i'm always the one to help them with their depression and im so drained.I'm just here to help other no matter how broken

hey love, i’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a difficult time right now 😞 but you’re not bothering me at all, so don’t worry about that. firstly i really hope you’re currently in a safe environment and that you remain there, above all else. you were able to send this and reach out for some form of support even anonymously and that’s a really good sign. i’m proud of you for being here and for making it to this point, and i want to thank u for being so open with me because i know it’s not easy. secondly i really want to stress that you can’t believe anything your mind is telling you right now, seriously. one of the biggest illusions of mental illness is that it convinces you to think in black and white, to believe that everything negative is permanent and that there’s no way forward. but that’s never the case in reality. there is so much that can be done to change your habitual thinking patterns, your sense of self worth and just the general situation you’re in right now. in fact, change is inevitable if you stick around long enough to see it. it’s happening constantly, even when you don’t realise it. and so is healing and growth, even when you’re in pain too. it is entirely possible to recuperate, for happiness and peace to become a consistent theme in your future. yes, you. i know it’s probably impossible to believe in this moment but i hope you can still accept the sentiment anyway, because it’s true. and what’s more than that, you deserve it. you’re able to give your time and energy to others who are dealing with what you’re also dealing with, and that’s wonderful, but you are COMPLETELY worthy of receiving that same energy and love. i promise. if you need to take some time to focus on your own mental health rather than on those around you, then that’s perfectly fine and there’s no shame in that. it can be hard to internalize everyone else’s grief, and quite emotionally exhausting at times, so don’t let your mind make you feel bad for needing some space. it’s the most natural, human thing in the world. and i’m sure those that care for you want to hear what you’re going through too, i’m sure they want the chance to return the favour and to be there for you. you can give them that by opening up. no matter how hard it is to actually reach out, please please know that the option is always there and that you are never as alone as your mind wants you to believe. another tactic of depression is that it wants you to isolate yourself so you don’t feel the comfort of other people and their perspective, so the only thing you can believe is your own bad thoughts - but you CAN choose to subvert that urge, to talk to those around you about whats going on in your head. it’s okay. if not them, there are a lot of suicide/mental health hotlines available 24/7, and there’s also the option of talking to your doctor/a therapist/a support group to see if they can help you implement a treatment plan (if you haven’t done so already.) even if you have to force the words out, just tell them what you told me. it doesn’t have to make sense, you just have to let it out. sometimes mental illness is just as serious as physical illness and it needs real medical attention in order to overcome, and that’s alright. it’s something a lot of people go through, and it looks different for everyone. but just picking up the phone and making that appointment or talking to a loved one can make a massive difference. there is so much that can be done in terms of therapy - identifying the root causes of why you feel the way you do, giving you the tools to fight the episodes in a healthy way when they do arise - but at the end of it you CAN learn to live a happy and full life despite those days where you just want to give up. it’s a matter of time, finding the balance that suits you and getting through each day long enough to see the results of your progress.

i know it all feels like too much effort, and i’m not saying you have to do any of this right now. or that talking to someone will solve everything. and i’m very very familiar with that debilitating brand of numbness you’re describing - it makes everything genuinely feel beyond hopeless and so far away, it is so so heavy and i don’t blame you for being exhausted. but it’s also so possible for the feeling and the presence to return back to your life, one area at a time. i often think of it like my souls got pins and needles and i need to massage the numbness away with care and patience. you said you don’t know how you’re still alive - it’s because you’re supposed to be. it’s because some part of you, no matter how tired of all this shit you are, recognizes that there is a lot worth holding onto. even if your brain isn’t allowing you to see it in this moment. i hate to be cliche, but when it really comes down to it nothing would be the same without you. you exist and see this world through your unique perspective and love in your own specific way because you’re here. and no one else is you and that is more than good enough. there is so much waiting for you, man. recovery is possible in so many forms, and i’m not just saying that at all. i would fucking hate to think of you acting on your temporary emotions and only regretting it when it’s far too late to go back, and unfortunately i think that occurrence is very common in people who suffer through this sort of thing. as a person and as someone who has been given the chance to experience this world for a fraction of a moment in human history, i hope more than anything you can simply allow yourself to do that. and that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have bad days, or to hate this world sometimes because i absolutely do too. it can be hellish, and we have a right to be in pain. but that doesn’t mean we’re beyond hope and help. it doesn’t mean there aren’t a million different ways to make this all feel more manageable, one step at a time. some days getting through one minute at a time counts as a great victory, and you’ve done it a million times before. so please, if you feel like you’re in danger, please just call someone. don’t listen to your mind anymore, don’t feed into it. just get yourself to safety even if you have to act on autopilot. it’s going to be so worth it so much sooner than you think, im serious. you need some rest, maybe to practice some mindfulness and to focus your brain on some low energy positive coping mechanisms, and to let someone know how you’re doing if possible - all of this will allow you to stop spiraling inwards and start focusing on whats going on around you. i’ll leave a few links that may be of some service to you. please know that i care and that so many people do, that your life is so much more than this moment/what you’ve been through so far. if you need a friend or if you want to talk about this properly, please let me know. i’m here and i understand a lot of us do. sending so much, please stay safe above all else love. that’s all you gotta focus on right now x

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/suicidal.htm

https://www.healthquality.va.gov/guidelines/MH/srb/OvercomingSuicidalThoughtsandFeelingsFINAL.pdf

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/depression.htm

https://www.mind.org.uk/media-a/2960/suicidal-feelings-2016.pdf

#tw suicide #tw self harm #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide mention #anon

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zankivich · 5 years ago

Text

The Arrangement: CEO’s Son/Dom!Shawn x Black Sub Reader Chapter 7

a/n: this is like my favorite chapter so far. I feel like I’ve been waiting this whole story to ge tot watch these two interact in this way. I hope it comes across as authentic. I worked really hard on the pacing for this story. You all have been incredibly kind to me lately with feedback for this story and I sincerely hope you keep it coming. It is without a doubt the brightest part of my days recently. Thank you so much for that. K bye.

WARNINGS: sex without a condom (gotta wrap it before you tap it). mentioned of white supremacy, racism, and micro-aggressions.

*Shawn’s point of view*

Nothing ever simultaneously works out. It never all gets to be perfect. His life had been a memoir with that exact theme and yet somehow he always let himself forget. Y/n leaves and he somehow has a date with her. A date. Not a hookup. Not some elaborate set up to make her cum. A date. With like conversation and personality. He hadn’t been on a date in years. And sure he knew he was really good at sex, but that didn’t mean shit about being able to actually hold a conversation. She was lightyears above him mentally, and he had no idea how he was going to manage to not fuck it up. But he had a date. She said yes. And that within itself was a win. So of course something in his life was going to have to go to shit. Hold that thought.

Brian makes it back sometime between his gym run and a shower. By the time he gets out, the asshole is sitting on his couch fucking up his kill rate on COD.

“Move over, jerkoff! And switch to two player.” He grunted plopping down on the couch beside him.

“Jeez, bro take it down a couple notches. I am nursing a hangover from the depths of hell over here.”

“Not my fault you can’t ever handle your liquor.”

“Well Melanie seemed to think I handled it just fine.”

“Melanie sounds like she’s still never had an orgasm before.”

Brian punched him in the bicep which only resulted in him returning the favor. Idiot.

“Not all of us sneak our hookups in in the middle of the night.”

He rolled his eyes fingers smashing on the controller.

“I didn’t sneak anyone. It’s my fucking apartment you idiot.”

“Yea, sure, whatever. Did you at least hook up with someone new?”

His fingers stumbled on the joystick, sending his player headfirst into a grenade. Lovely.

“No. No I didn’t.”

Brian looked over at him. “You fucked the same girl again?”

“I don’t think we should be equating Melanie and y/n here. y/n is a woman. A grown ass woman. Trust me, she never lets me forget.” He snorted.

“What is up with you and this chick? You never fuck the same person twice.”

He supposed now was as good a time as any. He actually was going to need shit for brains’ advice.

“I like her okay! I like her. And we hooked up last night but it was...it was different. I didn’t tell her what to do. I didn’t pull out any bells or whistles. I just...We just had sex. And she kissed me like she liked me too. So I asked her on a date.”

“A DATE?! I haven’t seen you go on a date since you were like a child!!”

“No shit, jackass. I’m going to need every fucking ounce of help I can get. And that includes your ass, unfortunately.”

“Stop pretending you don’t love me bitch. Now tell me how you plan to get a thirty year old woman who isn’t on drugs to actually enjoy spending time with your sorry ass.”

What are best friends for?

***

*y/n’s point of view*

y/n: I HAVE A DATE.

y/n: I NEED YOU HERE ASAP

Tiana: Oh shit. K. omw.

The last time you went on a date was in 2016, what some might call the beginning of Armageddon. After a slew of horrid dates, you had been completely and totally ready to throw in the towel. But then this cute guy came out of nowhere. He was nice, sweet, not very funny but in a way that made you laugh. He was also persistent enough to not take no for an answer, without it making you uncomfortable. No immediate red flags. So you went on the damn date. And all was well. It wasn’t an earth shattering date, but you weren’t not enjoying his company. And then it happened.

I just really think Trump will genuinely make America great again ya know?

You nearly choked on a piece of lettuce.

“Really bruh? In front of my salad?”

“No just hear me out though. Is he unorthodox, sure. But Hillary? Hillary and those emails. It just wouldn’t have worked.”

“I absolutely understand what you mean.”

“You do?” He smiled.

“Yep. CHECK PLEASE!”

“Bitch we do not have time for you to disassociate I am trying to make a wing here!” Tiana huffed.

You rolled your eyes and reached for your phone working to still your features so that Tianna could continue with your makeup.

y/n: Are you a republican?

Shawn: Well thank you for asking, I’ve had a lovely day. How was yours?

y/n: I’m serious.

Shawn: I’m Canadian.

“Shit. I’m so stupid.” You whined.

Tiana tugged at your chin. “Not stupid. But NOT still.”

“Sorry, ti.”

y/n: Would you have voted for Trump if you could have?

Shawn: No. No I wouldn’t have. What kind of a person do you think I am?

y/n: Idk. idk. I just needed to be sure. It never came up when you were tying my arms behind my back.

Shawn: You didn’t mention political discourse as one of your kinks. Is there something I should know before tonight?

y/n: No. It’s fine. I swear. Just haven’t been on a date in a really long time. And my last one didn’t go so well.

Shawn: It’s been a long time for me too. But I’d really like to have a go at it, if that’s okay with you?

y/n: yea, I’d like that. Should I meet you at your place still?

Shawn: Actually I’m gonna pick you up. I’ll be at your place at 7?

y/n: Oh. Okay.

“Hmmm.”

“Hmmm what? What’d he say?” Tiana asked.

“I’m not meeting at his place anymore. He’s picking me up.”

“Well where is he taking you?”

“If I knew that, Ti would I be sitting here in a ball of anxiety?!”

Tianna dropped her eyeliner brush and reach instead for the body lava. All hail Rihana.

“I sure hope he dicks you unconscious for a few hours. You have got to relax, sis.” She giggled. “It’s going to be alright, okay? He likes you. You like him. Let that be enough for right now.”

“Okay. Okay. Just...make my titties sparkle? Please?”

“Lord, chile. You don’t pay me enough.” She snorted.

Friendship!

***

Shawn: I’m here. Do you want me to come up?

y/n: No need! Here I come.

Outside your apartment building is one of those SUV hummer situations that you only ever rode in when you were visiting one of your artists on tour. Shawn is standing outside the door of the vehicle, and you can’t help but pause right there in the middle of the sidewalk. He traded the black jeans for a black slack that hones in on the fact that he’s most definitely not wearing a chelsea boot for the first time ever. They’re dress shoes. Like proper, wing tips. And he’s wearing a short sleeve button up with yellow, black, and white stripes. There are enough buttons undone to see the way that his rosary necklace melted into the firmness of his chest nestled amongst the most sinful amount of chest hair. God, where the hell had they made this one at? And how the hell did he wind up at my front door?

“Hi.” He smiled, legs crossed and chest broad. “You look really beautiful.”

You peered down at the jumpsuit you’d picked out with Tiana’s help. It was a really pretty shimmery gold color and the entire back was cut out too. In hindsight, it didn’t seem nearly as impressive as to what he was wearing now.

“Thank you. You look pretty beautiful yourself. Really showed me up tonight.”

He laughed. “Yea, sure. Come on, it’s cold out. Let’s get going.”

In the car, there’s a bottle of champagne and one of the playlists that you recognized from Shawn’s apartment is playing softly in the background. He pours each of you a glass, your legs somehow knotting simply together on the floor of the car. It’s weird in that it’s not like a first date in the traditional sense. You put his balls in your mouth for one. He licked orgasms out of you like ice cream. But the nerves are still there. You find that you care about what he thinks of you, of how he feels about you. That’s new. And scary.

“So uh...where are we going?” You asked between sips of champagne.

He bites his lip and looks nervously over at you. It’s a new look for him. But one that you find solace in.

“Would you be angry at me if I said it was a surprise?”

You raised an eyebrow. “No. But I would be curious as to what that surprise is.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll know soon enough.”

“I think I heard that line one time. I think Hannibal Lector said it.”

He rolled his eyes and threw his head back and you wished it didn’t make you giggle, but it does.

“Funny.” He smirked hiding behind his glass. “I just wanna impress you a little bit. Is that okay?”

“You wanna impress lil ole me huh?” You smiled. “That’s sweet.”

“Just a little.”

He licked his bottom lip and his hand inched its way up your knee. He was warm. Way too warm to not have your body react a little. Rude.

“Whatever happened to your friend from the other morning? Am I taking you away from him?”

“Oh Brian?” He snickered. “He’s just happy he’s got my place to himself. He couldn’t believe I was going on a date at all.”

“Tiana either.” You snorted.

“Yea? She try and convince you not to go out with me?”

“She is...surprisingly Pro-you for some reason. Must have something to do with me not having enough time to be a bitch as work with our arrangement and everything.”

“Hmmm. Well it’s nice to know I’ve got one person on my team. Maybe by the end of the night I can win you over too.”

“Maybe.” You smiled.

The car eventually rolls to a stop, and you’re not even aware of how long you’ve been talking. All the nerves that you couldn’t actually be together without the sex part sort of faded away. He could make you laugh. He could hold your attention. And you could offer him the same. Just when you were starting to think that it was all going to be fine? Shawn came to open your door.

Your heels touched gently to the ground and you let him pull you from the car. Behind him was not a restaurant. Not a bar. Not even a fucking hotel. Nope. Instead you were stood right in front of Mendes Industries’ private jet and a fucking flight attendant with a bag in her hands that looks surprisngly like your Louis Vitton. Fucking Tiana.

“What the hell. Shawn, what the hell?!” You gasped. “What is this?”

“You were concerned about people seeing us right? Well no one’s gonna see us. No one but the locals.”

“The locals?! I can’t--I can’t just fly away with you Shawn. I have responsibilities. I have a--a job.”

He reached for your hands, which tended to do a lot of movement when you were flustered, and stilled them by placing them on his shoulders.

“Listen to me,” He murmured silencing you. “It’s already set. Tiana canceled all of your meetings for three days. It’s just three days. Look I...I really like you, okay? More so than I know what to do with right now. And I think that you like me too. Do you like me?”

“Y--Yea! Yea, of course I do. That’s not really the point is it?”

“It is. Just get on the plane. Please? I just wanna take you out. Let me take you out.”

You peered up at him, all soft brown eyes and chiseled everything else. He had really come along out of nowhere. It was incredibly disorientating, and intoxicating. You lived your life by a planner, a set time for every hour by the hour. And here he was asking you to throw that all away, to let yourself be something else for a chance. And it wasn’t all that different from what he asked of you in the bedroom. Just let go. Release.

You sighed. “You know when most guys ask to take a girl out? They don’t mean out of the state.”

“I’m not like other guys.” He shrugged.

“No shit. Where are you taking me, white boy?” You groaned letting him steer you towards the plane.

“Try to contain your excitement.” He snorted. “Remember that time we had sex in the back of a storage room during Khalid’s video shoot?”

You smiled awkwardly at the flight attendant and knocked your arm into his shoulder.

“Oh please. We’ve had this jet since I was fifteen. I’m almost positive my dad has done some incredibly sketchy shit on here. Martha knows all. Thank you Martha!”

He leads you to a seat. There’s more champagne. You don’t know how you got here. This man was wild.

“Get to the point, maybe?”

“Right. We hooked up in the storage closet, and you told me that story about how you missed your high school trip to Rome because your mom was having heart problems and couldn’t afford it with the medical bills? You had a Lizzie Mcguire fantasy and everything.”

“I was drunk that night. Khalid had just gotten his first number one.”

“So you don’t want me to take you to Rome?” He asked.

“ROME?!”

“Rome.”

“....Who are you?!”

He chuckled. “I’m just a guy standing here asking a girl to let me take her on a little trip.”

“Oh my god. He quotes romcoms. This is too much.”

“Just relax sweetheart. We’re about to do liftoff.”

Jesus Christ.

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

He’s a little worried that he may have broken her. Maybe it was too much too fast. He should’ve just taken her to fucking dinner like a normal person. The problem was he wasn’t normal. And she sure as hell wasn’t normal either. She was so different from anyone he’d ever been with before. He wanted to spend time with her. And the last thing in the world he wanted was her to think about his dad while she was with him. He could tell that it bothered her more than she was willing to admit, and he just needed them to be on equal footing. What said equal footing like going to a country where neither of them spoke the language. Tiana had given him the green light when she agreed to change y/n’s schedule around and even pack her a bag. It seemed like maybe it might go well.

She calms down after her first glass of champagne, and sits more comfortably into the seat next to him, her legs folded so that her knees poked gently at his thigh. She was closer, close enough for him to smell her perfume and he kind of loved it.

“So are first dates the one’s where we spill all of our dirty laundry, or is that the second one?” She asked.

He chuckled and laid his hand on her thigh. She smiles at him, so he doesn’t pull away.

“Your guess is as good as mine. Do your worst, woman.”

She situates herself a little more gently into the chair, chin propped up on her palm. He gets lost in the glitter on her collarbones and neck.

“Why haven’t you been on a date in a long time?” She asked.

Heavy first question. But he told her to do her worst.

“Well I uh...the last date I went on was with my girlfriend of about two years. And on said date she told me that she had been sleeping with a producer at Atlantic records for six months, and that he was going to share her demo. So, she didn’t need me anymore.” He shrugged around a sip of champagne.

“Two years? Two fucking years before she pulled that shit? That’s fucked.” She said. “I’m sorry.”

“Yea. It was really heavy at the time. Blamed my dad for a lot of it, even if it probably wasn’t his fault this time. But ever since then I just thought it might be easier to stick to the meaningless sex route.”

She nodded. “I fuck that up for you a little bit?”

“You have no idea.” He grinned rubbing his thumb along her chin. “I should’ve known the second I caught you checking me out at that party.”

“Excuse me? For the last time I was not ‘checking you out’. I was simply observing that snooze fest your father put on.”

“I was checking you out.” He admitted honestly. “I asked my dad to introduce us. I just knew I had to have you. And then I spoke to you and I found out you were trouble, and you weren’t going to take any of my shit. I should’ve known then.”

It’s a lot softer than anything he’s ever admitted before, and every time that he remembers that this is more, that they’re trying to become more, it makes his heart stutter in his chest. But she leans her head against his seat and she smiles at him like it means something to her to be open, to be vulnerable. And that alone is enough to get him to lean in.

“So maybe....maybe I was looking in your direction.” She says softly. “I’d heard of you. I’d just never actually seen you in person before. And maybe I was curious.”

“Curious?!” He laughed. “Okay. Curious. We can call it that; I’ll take it. Your turn. Worst date. Spill.”

She groaned softly and slid a little deeper into her seat, head fitting perfectly against his shoulder.

“I accidentally went to dinner with a Trump supporter.”

“Accidently?” He snorted.

“Don’t laugh asshole! It was thoroughly traumatic for me. I just thought that logically a white supremacist would not be interested in asking me, a black woman, on a date. I forgot that logic is not in their wheelhouse. It was awful.”

“Now your texts make a lot more sense.” He chuckled reaching his arm to pat her cheek. “That enough to take you out the game, aye?”

“I don’t know man...the world is fucking scary right now.” She sighed. “Sometimes it feels like there’s no one we can trust, like there’s no one who doesn’t have it out for us. It’s not just political agendas. It’s my safety. It really is that deep. It has to be.”

It’s this moment where she’s offering more of herself than she had in the entire time that he’d known her. Y/n was beautiful and sexy and intelligent, but there was also always this aura of mystery around her. Like she wasn’t quite ready to share herself, didn’t know if she could. And he wanted to find his way on the other side of that. He wanted to know her better than she knew herself. And he wants to cherish any moment where she’s willing to let him try that.

“I understand.” He paused and closed his eyes feeling maybe a little flustered and out of his element. “I mean I don’t. I know that I don’t, that I couldn’t but..I hear what you’re saying. And I believe you. I would like to know more at some point. If you’re willing to share it with me.”

Her eyes flicker over to his and they’re wide and brilliant and he wants to kiss her so bad.

“You do?” She checked.

He nodded and chanced reaching to pull her face a little closer, palm resting against her cheek.

“I do.”

She kisses him and it feels like the sun. It feels like everything.

***

*y/n’s point of view*

Rome is kind of perfect. It’s not so hot that you’ve got to cover yourself in deodorant, but the sun is still pretty and bold in the sky. The hotel he takes you to has an entire terrace open for your access with those flowy ass curtains you only saw in cheesy 80’s pop music videos. There are couches that might as well be beds there so soft and plush. You touch down in the middle of the night and there’s not much to do but keep talking to each other, keep touching each other. You take your shoes off and sit out on the couches wrapped in blankets with another bottle of champagne. If the redness in his cheeks is anything to go off of, he’s just as tipsy as you, and it means that it’s not weird when you lean into him. No one’s gonna say anything for letting him hold you.

“It’s four am right now.” You giggled hiding your face in his neck. “It’s so beautiful here.”

“Do you like it?”

“Yea. I really do. I always wanted to come here. I can’t believe this is our first date.”

“I wanted it to be special for you. You deserve that.”

“Since when?” You asked so thoroughly confused by everything that he was. “I mean, yes. I definitely deserve this but...when you did you realize that you want it to be more than what we were? I thought you just wanted to fool around?”

“I did.” He whined stubbornly tracing your nose with his thumb. “I really did. But...you are very good at sex.” You laughed and he smiled. “I’m serious! One of the best partners I’ve ever had. And sometimes when our bodies were moving I just got lost in you. Like you were a fucking beautiful ass star capturing me with your light. And then you stopped arguing with me so much and just letting me be like...a friend to you? And then Miami happened and I just--I wanted to be with you. And I realized that I wanted to be with you as a person, even when we weren’t having sex. I was scared. Until I realized that you liked me too. Then I got my confidence back.”

“Oh lord not your confidence.” You rolled your eyes.

“You have got to stop acting like you are not all up on this okay? I see the way you stare at me, honey. It’s okay. Let yourself give in to Mendes Magic!”

“I am officially not attracted to you anymore.” You snorted going to pull away.

He wrapped his arms around your waist and tackled you down to the couch. Your laughter poured out into the night as his fingers dug into your belly. You laugh until your stomach aches. Until there’s tears in your eyes. Until he kisses you and you feel it in your toes. Until the only thing you can think about, feel, smell, is him. And you melt like that against the couch.

***

Rome is beautiful. It’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been. The sun rises in the sky and you’re up immediately tugging Shawn out of bed. There’s breakfast at this little place near the hotel that looks out over buildings that were unlike anything you’d ever thing. Everything was historic and rustic and so endlessly different from everything you’d seen before. It was really like something straight out of a movie with cobblestone walkways and buildings that were works of art themselves. It’s wild. It would be wild on any day of the week. That was before you looked over your glass of wine to this guy smiling at you like the beauty of the city around him meant nothing in comparison to looking at you.

You liked him. Shit you liked him a lot. And every time he looked you in the eye and hung on every word you said? It just blew you even further away. And you kept trying to remind yourself how unrealistic it all was. You were thirty afterall. The two of you were in different times in your life. He was still holding on to every word his dad said. You had plans for your life, for your career. It was hard to figure out whether or not he could fit into those plans. And maybe that wasn’t first date type of thinking, but hello! He took your ass to Rome. None of it was normal. So you walked a little faster, tried to hold harder to the moments that you had to share. Cause why not?

“Hey can we slow down for a sec?” He asked as you pulled him towards your third museum of the day.

You frowned. “I wanna see the ruins.”

“We can. I promise. Just let’s sit down for a second, yea?”

You’d been walking all morning, stopping at every nook and cranny that you came across. It was a three day trip anyway. You had no idea when you’d ever be back, if you ever would be back. But there’s something special about the company too. You remind yourself that he’s the reason you’re there. The vacation, though amazing, was really just an opportunity to be with him.

“Yea, of course.”

He tugged you to a little corner of these big huge steps that were filled with people just sitting down, chatting, eating their lunches. The second you’re no longer standing on your feet is a little bit like heaven.

“Okay make you were right.” You sighed wiggling your toes. “I’m tired.”

“Well that’s good. I was starting to think you were a robot.” He chuckled. “I’m glad I packed tennis shoes.”

You peered down at his feet and quickly laced your legs with his where the white tennis shoes stuck out in contrast to his black jeans.

“They look so funny on you. I like them. You’re cute.”

He smiled over at you. “I’m cute, aye?”

“You heard me.”

“Yea, well maybe I wanna hear you say it again.” He murmured taking your cheek into his hand.

“You’re cute.” You whispered before pressing your lips together.

You had yet to get over this new style of kissing. The way he rubbed so softly at your cheek you got goosebumps. The way his tongue could make you feel like time was slowing down. Almost like there was nothing left here. Nothing but the two of you and the way you could make each other feel. It was maybe the best feeling in the world.

“You’re beautiful.” He murmured when the kiss had ended, forehead pressed against yours. “I can’t believe you’re here with me right now.”

“I can’t believe you whisked me away to a different country for our first date.” She hummed. “What are you hiding? Do you have a third nipple or something? A serial killer perhaps?”

“Why are you so insistent on me killing people?” He laughed. “And you’ve seen all of my body at this point. If there was a third nipple don’t you think you would’ve seen it?”

“Well you’ve got me there. But statistically speaking at least fifty percent of all murders probably fit your description, honey. I’m just being realistic. I’ve seen what you can do with rope.”

He rolled his eyes and he found that it made you smile. And so he tended to do it more and more often. That’s kinda how you knew you were fucked.

“What do you say we go see these ruins of yours, find some pasta, and fuck until we fall asleep?”

“As long as it’s in that order!” You gasped tugging him back to his feet to continue your wild adventure of the day.

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

He’s got a new kink. And it’s definitely her calling him baby when he’s inside her. It is without a doubt the sexiest thing she could do for him. Which makes so little sense. How fucking soft had she turned him in a few short months? This is where he was now, almost blowing his load because a woman called him baby. It’s not just a woman though. It’s her. Holy fuck it’s her, and the sound of her voice is like directly tied to his dick or something. Shit.

The couches on the terrace are perfect for sex in broad daylight. It’s completely secluded to just them, but anyone at the other hotels around would easily be able to hear them if they opened a window. It’s just another thing that seems to get them both hot and bothered. Her body is a dream. And he doesn’t need to tie her up to get lost in her. (Even if he really, really liked tying her up). All he needs is the feel of her body against his and his hands to direct her where he wants her to go, where he needs her to go for both of them to explode.

“Fuck.Honey you’re dripping. You’re dripping all over my dick.” He groaned tugging her thighs more ruggedly against his own.

“Baby I--I wanna cum.” She gasped, voice breathy and chaotic as her hips bucked like a fucking dream. “I wanna cum on it. Please?”

“It’s yours. Cum on it. Make yourself cum.”

He reached around her waist to grind his fingers deep into her clit. Her ass began to bounce against him, quick and sharp and rugged. He’s barely holding on by a thread. And then she starts to squeeze down on him, her hips working to bring herself to her own climax, and he’s already done for.

“Fuck! I’m cumming.”

His fingers work harder on her clit, dropping down to his knees to drive desperately into her with everything he’s got left inside of him. It thrusts her over the back of the couch and he plasters himself against her back grinding tightly with everything that he’s got.. When she cums it’s just another accomplishment, another moment of making her feel good. It’s all he’s ever really wanted since they met.

“Holy fucking shit.” She gasped collapsing against his chest. “So good.”

“Yea? Still think I can’t dom you and date you at the same time?”

“Shhhh. No one has time for you sir, I can’t feel my legs.”

He nuzzled his way into her neck placing kisses against the skin. His arms were still wrapped around her and her fingers were playing in his hair. It was different than their usual hook ups, for sure. But, he liked it. He liked feeling close to her. He liked touching her and feeling her heart beat beneath his finger tips. Did she know how amazing she was?

“You want me to go get a towel?” He asked softly, pecking at her ear.

She hummed. “Not yet. Don’t leave yet.”

God he was ruined. Just like that.

“Yea okay.”

***

She hops in the shower and he has every intention of following her, of maybe pressing her into the shower door and fucking her until the glass breaks. But then his phone starts ringing and she giggles and runs off leaving his dick to twitch against his thigh. He was stupid on her. Aboslutely idiotic. And whoever was getting in the way of his idiocy was about to get an ear full.

“There better be someone dying!” He huffed eyes still very much on the shower where perhaps the most beautiful woman alive was waiting for him.

“That can be arranged. Can you explain to me why I had to find out from Tiffany that your half whit ass is in Rome right now instead of New York?” His dad roared.

Remember that whole things falling apart narrative? Surprise.

“Shit. Dad look I..I just needed to get away for awhile okay?”

“On the comapny fucking jet nonetheless?!”

“That jet has been open to family members as long as I’ve been alive. Since when is it even a problem?”

“Since you’ve been on that jet more than you’ve been in my office. I am tired of trying to explain this to you Shawn. The rules are very simple. You work for me, you do a good job, you get your inheritance. If you don't, you know what happens Shawn. Is that what you want, to make me have to do that to you?”

“Look Dad I,” He let his voice drop softer, shyer. “It’s not what it looks like. This isn’t just me fucking off okay? I--I like someone. Like really like them. And I just wanted to impress her. She’s different. And I wanted her to like me. This isn’t one of my hookups, I swear.”

He hadn’t liked someone in so long, hadn’t even come close to what he was feeling for y/n. Even though his dad was a dick and they had fought since the time he was eleven, there was still a part of him that yearned for his approval. It was hard not to get caught up in what the world knew his dad to be. It was hard not to feel like if he could just make him proud, just make him happy, then everything would be okay. He hadn’t been that naive in a long time, but it still pulled at him every now and again.

Manny sighed. “Great, son. That doesn’t help the fact that you went behind my back and are continuously neglecting your duties.”

“I--I’m not though. Niall is sitting at sixteen songs as we speak. You only wanted twelve remember? I convinced the producers to look into doing a deluxe edition. That’s gonna make the label happy, Niall happy, and it’s more money for you right? I’m back in LA in a week to work on the roll out for Sarah Leone to the press. I’m kind of working my ass off here. I’m doing everything you wanted.”

“Look whatever just get your ass back to New York, okay?” He muttered.

“I’ll be back in two days.”

“Shawn.”

“Two days. I’ll be back in two days, and I’ll keep living in this hell of a life you’ve set up for me , alright? See you then.”

He tossed his phone back onto the bed in frustration. The noose tightened a little in his absence, sick and tired of always fighting and always losing. It seemed like no matter what happiness he carved out for himself, he was always going to have to return home. Maybe he was kidding himself. Maybe there was no winning in this life.

He stands there for like forty-five seconds feeling sorry for himself, and just fully like a piece of shit. And then he hears her. It’s soft and gentle and sweet. He moves a little closer to the bathroom, the door still open and her naked body visible through the foggy glass door. She’s singing.

“I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away.” She cooed softly. “I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my home is.”

Her voice was soulful and low, her fingers cupping her breasts and rolling down over her hips as she sang. It really kind of hit him in his heart. He leaned against the edge of the doorway, head lolling back for support at this gorgeous sound coming out of this gorgeous woman. The music lover in him just wanted to sit on the floor and listen to her all day, it was so pretty. Maybe map out some harmonies for the two of them. And the fact that he could see the smile on her lips as she sang only made his heart feel two times too big for his sturnemum. He wasn’t ready for the way that she could make him feel. He thought he’d known that, thought he was preparing himself. Not so much. He wasn’t sure one could prepare themselves for a woman like y/n. Maybe that was his lesson to learn.

She catches sight of him out of the corner of her eye and her lips glue firmly shut. He practically pouts when she stops singing. His arms crossed against his chest tighten in dissatisfaction.

“What are you doing?” She whined leaning her head out of the shower.

He shrugged. “Was just listenin’. You didn’t tell me you sang.”

“You didn’t ask. And I don’t. I was just...humming.”

“Humming?” He laughed softly. “Okay. Well you hum beautifully.”

“Well thank you, I suppose. Was your phone call okay?”

“No. Not quite but, I’m good now. Can I wash your back for you maybe?”

“Yea. Boy, you ain’t gotta ask to wash my back. Come on!”

He steps back into the steam of the shower and it’s like nothing exists but the two of them. And he just really wants to keep it that way for a little while longer. If only for a little while longer.

***

They’re lying on a hotel bed that’s so soft it feels like they’re sinking. After another glorious round of sex he found himself tangled in the sheets beside her. Their heads at the foot of the bed because that’s the position where he’d made her cum last, and their feet intertwined at the headboard. She’s not looking at him, but instead up at the ceiling. This doesn’t seem to stop him from peering over at her. She’s kind of too beautiful to not look at.

“Can I ask you something?” He hedged carefully.

She peered over at him, eyes warm and sated.

“Yes.”

“I don’t...I really don’t know how to ask, or what to ask. And maybe--maybe I’m gonna come across like some dick, but I don’t wanna do that with you. I want to learn ya know? I want to understand.”

“Shawn?” She pressed getting his attention. “Calm down. Just ask.”

He nodded softly and took a deep breath. His fingers twitched anxiously against his stomach.

“That stuff you said earlier on the plane...you know about--about the trump supporter, and how that made you feel? And then sometimes...sometimes it sounds like you don’t really like white people, which like makes sense right? We’re the worst. But I just...I wanna understand more about...about what that means for you? Fuck. I’m sorry. That sounded dumb just saying it.”

He closes his eyes ready for her to slap him and take his jet all the way back to New York. He thinks maybe he’d deserve it. It wasn’t even that he’d never been with a Black woman before. Black Women were beautiful and ethereal and wonderful. But, even his tiny white man brain could understand that the state of the world was simply a little different nowadays. His mediocre understanding of racism and privilege simply wasn’t enough. And he knew that if he wanted to be with this woman, if he wanted to feel like he deserved to be near her and absorb her intellect, than he should probably do his absolute best to understand the world in which she walked. Because it certainly looked different from his own.

He feels her hand on his chest and his eyes flutter open. She curled her fingers around his own and sent him another gentle smile that made his toes curl at the other end of the bed.

“It’s not dumb.” She assured him. “You’re asking. You might not have the language, but you’re asking. And that means a lot to me, okay? A lot.”

He nodded his head dumbly, eagerly hanging on every word that she said. She lied back once again, her head nestling a little closer to his. She doesn’t let go of his fingers.

“So, I do hate white people sometimes.” She mumbled. “Sometimes in the discourse Black folks will often try to explain that it’s not all white people, it’s just some. And most days I can get there. I can recognize that. But like… that’s not really how it works you know? Even white people who wouldn’t lynch my black ass grew up in a culture that would. Even white folks who might not feel the need to say the n-word grow up in a culture that situates their body, their worth, their value over mine. And even if that’s not your fault, and I can recognize that it isn’t you know? That’s how privilege works, it’s subliminal. But even if it’s not your fault, it doesn’t mean that you don’t benefit. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you haven’t absorbed messages about my inferiority.”

He watches her face the entire time, more specifically the emotions that seem to rush through every pore and every muscle. There’s a bit of agony on her features. A bit of frustration. But as she warms up there’s a freedom to it too. He knows that she’s not editing her words. She’s not doing anything for his benefit. He asked and so she would tell him, in whatever way was meaningful for her.

“White people just...sometimes it really seems like y’all don’t give a shit. I’ve had the cops called on me at the very building that I work at. On the top floor, with some of the most powerful people in show bizz twenty-seven times since I started. To the point where Mike in security has to keep an updated description of me every time I change my hair just in case. I have walked onto sets to manage my artists and been told that the back up dancers are in the trailer around back. Every step I take, every goddamn day, there is always at least one white person there to tell me that I don’t deserve it. That I don’t belong. And the intersections of my blackness with my womanhood mean that I am consistently and constantly facing an uphill battle of two indentities that the world just doesn’t give a fuck about.”

He couldn’t look away from her. Never had he ever seen her be so vulnerable for him. Y/n was always just an inch or two behind a wall, always peeking out to give him glimpses but never really showing herself in her entirety. He watched the way that her chest rose and fell more rapidly, watched the way her fingers tightened around his own, and her eyebrows wrinkled on her forehead. It was anxiety. She was anxious and angry and sad. The way that her lips pointed down and her eyes blinked faster than normal told him as such. It kind of broke his heart.

And it’s all so new for him that the only thing he can do is follow his instincts and hope that either he doesn’t fuck it up, or that maybe she’ll forgive him if he does. So, he rested his head firmer against her and held her hands just as tight like maybe it might root her a little better in this room with him, like maybe she might feel safe with him.

“And the people...the people that do these things to you. That do these racist acts all the time they--they look like me don’t they?”

Her eyes that were trained on the ceiling fell down to meet his again. They’re still sad, but a little softer now.

She nodded slowly a bit of a grin forming on her lips.

“I’ma be honest ain’t nobody walking around looking quite like you but...yes they--they kind of look like you.”

He nodded slowly and tilted his head back to peer up at the ceiling now. There’s an anxiety to it for him too. In asking the questions that he didn’t have answers to, to be vulnerable enough in his ignorance. There’s a desire to get it right because she’s important to him, and then a dread when he realizes the time it will take to get there, and the pain that might cause her along the way.

“Shit y/n...why the hell would you even wanna go out with me? Even I hate me right now.” He sighed.

“That’s just the white guilt talking baby,” She snorted before sobering up quickly. “Look it’s complicated right? Like given my problems with white people and white men in particular, I’m firm enough in my blackness and my identity to recognize everything that I just explained to you, while also recognizing that things are never black and white. No pun intended. I can still love your humanity and your individuality as long as you’re willing to do the same for me. I can recognize that not all white people are the same, that you all think alike. I just need the space to have conversations like this. I need someone who cares enough to learn. Anything else isn't worthy of my time. Either you’re down with me always, even when it isn’t convenient, or you’re not. So, which is it?”

Her eyes are wide and clear. It’s that firmness in the set of her jaw that gets him. She’s dead serious. Either he buys into her, and all of her, or he doesn’t deserve any of her. He can see that. He can understand it. It’s not that he wants her bad enough to “deal” with the rest of it. It’s that he wants her bad enough to understand all of her. He wants to know. Needs to.

“I’m down.” He assured her reaching for her cheek in his palm. “For all of it.”

“You’re sure?” She mumbled with desperate eyes. “Cause if you’re not we can go back New York and just be fuck buddies again. You can still find you some white girl without hundreds of years of internalized genocide and systemic oppression on her shoulders.”

He shook his head and kissed her until the tension melted from her body. Because he needed it to. He needed her belief in him, her trust.

“I’m so damn sure it’s insane. Just want you.” He whispered.

She reached for his lips pulling him back to kiss her again.

“Promise.” She demanded as if it was even an option.

“I promise.”

***

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here4theheartbreak · 5 years ago

Text

Stretched to the Breaking Point (Ot7)

AO3 Link Here!

Relationships: Hoseok x Jimin x Jin x Jungkook x Namjoon x Taehyung x Yoongi (ot7) Genre(s): angst, fluff

Written for @btspolyshipbingo

Square Filled: Bed Sharing Tags: angst, fluff, polyamory, ot7, canon compliant, set in 2016, slice of life, miscommunication Summary: Jin’s exhausted after 4 years solid of picking up after/for the absolute loves of his life. He wants to prove he’s useful, but is this really how he’s going to have to do it?

Word Count: ~7.1k

A/N: This fulfills a request a got quite a while ago about Jin being stressed at being the eldest but hiding it. I turned it poly, I hope that’s okay!

‘Please pick up some lamb when you go shopping today, hyung? I’ve been dying for your skewers.’

Jin sighed a little at the text from Taehyung. He shifted the basket in his arm to type a reply when a text from Namjoon came in.

‘Hey I know you’re busy but you could stop by the office and grab my hard drive? It’s the red one, I don’t want to bug manager.’

Jin responded with a simple yes, and went back to typing his response for Taehyung. He had just pocketed his phone and headed in the direction of the meat when his phone buzzed again.

He pulled it out to see a text from Jimin,

‘Hey, can you stop by the pharmacy on your way home? My knees are really aching and we’re all out of painkillers. The heating packs aren’t doing it for me.’

Jin sighed again. He responded to Jimin, telling him to check his bedroom in the desk for painkillers, but decided to pick some up anyway. He continued on his shopping trip, arm beginning to ache from the weight of the basket. It had been a trip just for a few items, but the requests had rolled in as soon as word got out among the group that Jin was going shopping.

It was always like this, from pre-debut to now. Please get this, help with that, save me from this… Jin didn’t mind. He knew he shouldn’t mind, at least. He was the eldest, and these guys relied on him for a lot. But sometimes it was just too much.

He loved each member dearly, no one could question that. Both on the surface, the ways fans saw them, as brothers who would die for one another and friends until the very end of the earth, and behind the scenes, the less publicized affection. The nights spent in one another’s beds and quick kisses shared behind the camera before concerts and stages.

Sometimes Jin wondered if it was the pure unorthodox nature of their relationship that set him so on edge sometimes. He’d always grown up being told he would find some woman to marry - a single, solitary female, that he was meant to fall in love with, marry, and give children.

He knew it was bullshit - he’d never been much into women and the idea of monogamy was dull at best. He loved all six of his band mates and boyfriends. Some he was more intimate with, some more emotionally attached to, and some he’d only ever cuddled and shared a kiss or two. Yoongi and Namjoon were first, followed closely by Taehyung and then Jimin and Hoseok. Jungkook fell quickly into a relationship with Taehyung, but Jin had resisted. He’d worried about Jungkook’s age, and accidental manipulation. But just like with the others, Jungkook had a piece of his heart too big to ignore.

Outside of the relationship though, Jin was still the eldest. Both within the company, within the fan base, and even within the dorm, he was just expected to handle certain things that he’d never been asked to handle on his own before. He didn’t question it, didn’t shy away from it. The six men that held his heart so firmly needed him in these ways, and he would rather die than let them down.

He knew sometimes he should ask for help. He knew they would freely give as much as they took. But the idea of burdening them at all, especially when he was their support... The idea made him sick. So he kept quiet and planted a grin on his face. He cooked and bandaged Jimin’s injuries. He listened to Yoongi’s rough tracks and helped Jungkook do his homework in time for practice. He held Taehyung’s hand when he got scared or cried and watched Hoseok work on dance routines. He stood by Namjoon - his first kiss and their leader - no matter what the situation.

He set aside his worries and woes because that’s what a good eldest does, and what a good boyfriend does.

He wrapped his own injuries in solitude, so the others wouldn’t worry. Locked himself in the shower when things got to be too much and he just needed to cry. Stood at the front and made a fool of himself so the others could relax. Figured out his own homework assignments crammed somewhere between the hours working. Smiled and cooked and cleaned and kept his chin up. Because if he crumbled, what would happen to the rest?

Jin balanced bags in his arms as he walked through the apartment. It had taken two hours longer than planned, but he got everything. Jimin hurried to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Did you remember?”

“Of course, they’re in one of these bags. Give me a minute.”

Jungkook raced down the hall, nearly barreling into Jin as he passed. “Sorry, hyung!” He screamed, darting into the laundry room.

“Wh—“

Taehyung bumped into him, sending one of the smaller bags toppling to the ground. “Sorry!” He shouted, following after Jungkook.

Jin bit back the urge to yell at him. Instead he hurried to the kitchen before any more bags could fall, setting them on the counter. Jimin began to pull items out as he walked back to the main room to gather the fallen items.

“Did you get my harddrive?” Namjoon asked. Jin dug in his pocket, fishing it out and handing it over to him without looking up. Namjoon took it quickly. “Thank you!”

Jin watched his bare feet pad away and duck into the bedroom. He sighed softly, rising with the bag.

“Crap, you’re home already?” Hoseok asked.

“I was gone three hours.”

“I needed another can of cooling spray, I was hoping you could pick it up.”

“Ah...” Jin shrugged. “Lemme put this stuff away and start dinner. I’ll run out and get it.”

“You don’t have to.”

Jin cocked an eyebrow. “How low are you?”

“Ah... I’m out.” Hoseok rubbed the back of his neck as he spoke.

“I’ll get it.”

Hoseok grinned broadly. “Thank you, Jin-hyung. You’re the best.” He pecked Jin’s mouth.

Jin entered the kitchen, his heart sinking when he saw the purchases scattered on the counter. Jimin was nowhere to be found, clearly having found the item he needed in particular. Jin rolled his eyes and chuckled. He set to work putting everything away.

Jin ran to the store once more, gathering the forgotten items. He made dinner and cleaned up, then worked on some of the choreography he’d been struggling with with Hoseok. He fell into bed late in the evening, a little surprised - and a little disappointed - to find it entirely empty.

Jin woke early Monday morning. He padded out to the kitchen to start breakfast, enjoying the few minutes of quiet before the others woke. He opened his laptop and textbook, skimming over his homework assignment as he stirred the food on the stove.

He put it on low, going to dig Jungkook’s backpack out of the closet. Just a few more months and he’d be officially graduated, all the members were ecstatic. He considered what to get Jungkook as a graduation present as he packed him a snack and double checked that his homework and gym clothes were in place.

He’d just turned back to the stove when a loud crash broke the silence. It was followed by a string of profanity that only Namjoon could put together. Jin turned to grab their first aid kit, counting down from five. As soon as he hit one, Namjoon rushed into the kitchen, holding his bleeding hand.

“Jin-hyung!”

“Come here.” Jin held up a bandage. He helped Namjoon wash and clean the cut, making sure it didn’t need medical attention. He bandaged it and pressed a kiss to Namjoon’s lips. “Be more careful.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“Breakfast is almost done.”

Namjoon nodded. Jin watched him disappear back down the hall of their bedrooms.

Right on cue, the others began to wake and pile into the kitchen. Jin served each, answering questions and listening to complaints. Jungkook rubbed his eyes, last in line.

“Did you—“

“Backpack is ready.”

“Awesome. Will you give me a lift today? Manager was supposed to but Yoongi-hyung was talking about how he didn’t feel well yesterday. I wanted to let him rest. Since you’re up—“

Jin glanced at his own neglected homework.

“Sure. Hurry and eat then we’ll go.”

Jungkook beamed. He hugged Jin tightly, kissing his cheek. “You’re the best.”

“I know. Come on.”

Jin joined the others already eating, listening to them talk and argue over various things. He couldn’t help but smile fondly as he listened.

After eating he hurried to get Jungkook to his school, mentally making his to do list for the day even as Jungkook rambled about one of his teachers.

Homework that was due today, practice in an hour, a meeting with the office later, more practice, he should make an appearance on social media, he needed to start dinner at some point, pick Jungkook up, not in that order... And—

“Hyung!” Jin looked over, smiling sheepishly.

“Sorry. Up in my head.”

“I can tell... See you after?”

“Sure. Hurry out though, you have vocal practice right after.”

Jungkook nodded. He pressed a kiss to Jin’s mouth quickly, grinning. He snagged his backpack and hurried out of the car before Jin could scold him about getting caught. Jin watched him walk, meeting up with a few other students as they entered the school.

Jin kicked his shoes off and hung his jacket when he returned to the dorm. He entered the kitchen to grab his homework and stopped short. The sink was piled with dirty breakfast dishes, remains of the food not put away. A glance at the table showed it was still a mess as well. Jin’s shoulders sagged. He looked at his textbook and laptop for a moment before closing the lid of the laptop and setting to work cleaning up the breakfast remains.

He finished in record time and settled into a corner of the kitchen to do his homework when Taehyung’s shout echoed through the dorm.

“Fuck you! I know you have it!”

Jin scrambled to his feet and raced through their home.

“Bite me! I didn’t touch the stupid laptop!” Yoongi snapped.

“Whoa, whoa, what’s the problem?” Jin shouted, pushing open the door of one of the bedrooms.

Taehyung and Yoongi were nearly nose to nose. Taehyung’s cheeks were blotchy with strain.

“He stole my laptop!”

“Why would I steal that beat up thing?! I have my own!”

“Guys, breathe.” Jin raised his hands and stepped forward. “Where did you see it last, Taehyung?”

“It was on the couch!”

“Okay... And why do you think Yoongi took it?”

“Because he admitted it!” Taehyung stepped forward to shove Yoongi but Jin farted between them.

“Whoa, stop. He just said he didn’t.”

“I moved it off the fucking couch so no one would sit on it. I put it on the shelf. I don’t know what happened to it after.”

Jin nodded. “Okay, fine. Have you checked the shelf, Tae?”

“Have I checked the shelf?” Taehyung mimicked. “Of course I checked the shelf, I’m not an idiot, Jin-hyung!”

“I’m just saying, it could have been overlooked. There’s no reason for Yoongi to take it.”

“You’re always on his fucking side! Just because he was around first doesn’t mean he’s always right!”

Jin’s face sank. “I’m not always on his side, Taehyung. He just doesn’t have a reason for taking it.”

“To be a dick! And you are always on his side! You never support me when we argue! If you’re not gonna help just go away!” Taehyung planted his hands on Jin’s chest and shoved hard.

Jin stumbled backwards, trying to avoid Yoongi. He tripped over a pair of jeans on the floor and went down, bashing his hip on the sharp corner of the bedside stand. A sharp pain shot through him and he cried out.

“Hyung!” Taehyung cried, surprise clear in his voice.

Jin scrambled up, tears blurring his vision and burning his throat. He could hear Yoongi and Taehyung both calling for him as he rushed to the bathroom.

He slammed the door, locking it and sliding onto the floor. The tears overflowed and he began to cry into his arms, his side aching. He could feel a wetness and knew he’d likely cut himself open, but couldn’t bring himself to care.

It was too much. Things had been building and building for years. He wanted to handle it, he wanted to make his boyfriends proud and happy. He wanted to make his family proud. But nothing was ever enough. Taehyung’s words cut deeper than the physical injury. He tried so hard to be fair. He hated knowing he didn’t do enough.

Admittedly, he never did enough. Hoseok always needed to work longer with him on dances, their vocal coaches longer on songs. He panicked easier in public and was less friendly with the fans. He hated it, and he hated himself.

A knock sounded at the door. “Hyung? Are you okay?” Taehyung’s voice was small.

“I’m fine, just cleaning the cut,” Jin called, trying to make his voice steady.

“Hyung, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Taehyungie. I’ll help you look for your laptop as soon as I’m bandaged.”

Jin rose lifting his shirt. The cut wasn’t too bad, thankfully. He cleaned it as well as he could, blinking away his tears and struggling to stabilize his breathing. He could cry tonight. He had too much to do today. Washing his face quickly to hide his tears, he opened the door, coming face to face with a very guilty looking Taehyung and Yoongi.

“Namjoon-hyung texted... He took my laptop by accident to the studio this morning.”

Jin plastered a smile on his face. “Oh great, problem solved.”

“I don’t wanna ask but... Would you go exchange it?” He held up Namjoon’s laptop.

“We have practice in an hour.”

“Yeah, but Namjoon-hyung needs his now.”

Jin bit back his sigh. “Okay.” He took the laptop and headed toward the door.

“Hyung, your shirt!” Yoongi called, pointing to his side. Jin glanced down, seeing the blood from his injury.

“I’ll just wear my coat.” He tugged it on and his shoes, heading out before either could argue.

He arrived at the offic, nodding to a few of the staff as he hurried through to Namjoon’s studio. He knocked once before entering, setting the computer on Namjoon’s desk.

Namjoon smiled. “Hyung, thank you so much. Here.” He passed Jin Taehyung’s laptop. A scowl crossed his face.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Jin said, offering a smile he knew was a tiny bit too strained. Namjoon’s frown deepened.

“What’s the matter?”

Jin’s smile wavered. “Just a lot to do. Gotta go.”

“Hyung!” Namjoon shouted even as Jin hurried out of the office.

Jin got home just in time to hear yet another member shouting bloody murder. This time it was Jimin, hurling obscenities. He rushed in, narrowly missing a book that Jimin had chucked.

“What’s wrong?!” He shouted. Jimin stood up straight. His room was a mess, chair overturned and drawers ripped out.

“Who did this?”

“I did,” Jimin said.

“Why?”

“I can’t find my lyric notebook...”

Jin blinked at him. “The purple and black leather one?”

Jimin nodded, looking close to tears.

“Jimin... You left that in the living room. It’s under the TV with the other notebooks.”

Jimin’s entire body relaxed.

“Oh God, I forgot. Thank you!” He hurried past Jin, bumping into his hurt side as he did. Jin winced. He surveyed the damage done to the room, shaking his head. Hoseok was going to flip out if it wasn’t cleaned.

“Jimin—“

Jin turned just in time to see Jimin darting out of the apartment, notebook in hand.

“Guess not,” he mumbled. He leaned down, picking up a pile of clothes and beginning to fold them.

He finished in time to get to dance practice, at least, rushing in and apologizing to the dance teacher for being a few minutes tardy.

“What took so long?” Hoseok hissed when Jin stood next to him.

“Oh— Mess at the house. Lost track of time.” Jin said. He grimaced as he began to stretch, his side aching. He tuned his focus completely to learning the new choreography, ignoring everything else for the moment.

Afterward, Jin ducked down the hall to meet with a few members of the production team about one of his parts that needed fixing. His side was aching something horrible and panic was beginning to set in with how late he was on his homework. Still he smiled and listened, scheduling a time to re-record a part of the track. He left to pick up Jungkook and pick up lunch for the rest of the group immediately after, keeping a list as they texted him their requests.

The rest of the day flew by, as it always seemed to. Get Jungkook, get their lunches, go back to the office. Sing, dance, work out. He ended up with Jungkook, Jimin, and Yoongi in his car on the way back, the younger two talking a mile a minute in the back seat. Yoongi was sitting sullenly most of the ride home.

“How’s your side?” He finally asked.

“Oh, it’s fine. Just a scratch,” Jin lied, not wanting him to feel worse.

“Would you mind listening to a new beat I’ve been working on? I need another ear.”

“Sure. I have to start dinner, but I can listen while it’s cooking.”

“Thank you. Sorry about getting you involved earlier.”

“Tae’s screaming did that. No harm though, it was all resolved.”

Yoongi nodded. Jin could feel him watching him quietly the rest of the way home, but said nothing. He didn’t want Yoongi to worry; the guy had enough worries as it was.

Jin began dinner almost as soon as they made it back. He opened his textbook again, a vain hope to get work done. “Jungkook!” He called when he saw the other on the couch. “Homework?”

“Just a math sheet.”

“Need help?”

“Probably.”

“Bring it here and start on it.”

“Hyung, can you listen?” Yoongi asked. He was standing near the counter, computer and headphones in hand. Jin nodded. He covered the stew and wiped his hands, taking the headphones. Yoongi started playing the track while Jungkook leaned against the counter, pencil and notebook in hand.

Jin’s brows furrowed as he listened. He didn’t know why Yoongi asked his opinion on this — Namjoon and Hoseok, even Jimin we’re far better, but he knew it was his job to try.

“I like it,” he said when it ended. “I think it needs something else, like... Under the beat? If that makes sense.”

Yoongi’s brows furrowed. He nodded, setting his laptop on the counter as he grabbed a water from the fridge. “That makes sense. You might be right. Thanks, hyung!” He headed out and Jin headed back to the stove.

“Tell me if you have trouble, JK.”

Jungkook nodded, scratching his ear with the pencil as he looked at the worksheet.

Jin smiled fondly, watching him for a moment. He continued to stir dinner as he read over his own textbook.

Jin worked with Jungkook throughout the dinner making process, and again after serving everyone.

He could hear the others wrestling in the living room as he cleaned the dishes, and a worry set in about what they’d make a mess of. His homework had piled much higher than intended with the chaos of the day. He needed to check his side, and he needed to work on his moves for their new choreography.

After cleaning up, he re-bandaged his side, glad the choreography didn’t do too much damage today. He double checked Jungkook’s homework before slipping it into his bag.

The living room quieted down finally, a signal the others had gone to bed or at least to their rooms.

The mess, however, remained. Jin bit back his thousandth sigh of the day, making a mental note to apologize to his parents; he prayed he wasn’t this stressful as a child. It took nearly an hour to clean up and return to his own room to -hopefully- get his own homework finished.

Jin’s vision blurred the second he opened his textbook. His head was pounding and exhaustion hit him like a truck. He tried over and over to read through his chapter, having to stop and reread. He could hear muffled noises from at least two of his boyfriends in another room. The sound made him ache with a sudden, surprising loneliness. He realized, aside from quick pecks on the mouth, he’d not had a moment with anyone in weeks. He’d been so busy running errands and cleaning, balancing their schedules and his own.

His vision blurred for an entirely different reason. He snapped his book shut and rose, padding over to his, once again, empty bed. Anger flushed his cheeks and he grabbed his pillow, flinging it across the room. He shouted into his fist, not wanting to draw attention.

Still overwhelmed, Jin began to beat on his other pillow, hot tears streaking down his cheeks. He collapsed to the floor, his back to the bed. He hugged the pillow he’d beaten, sobbing and yelling into it.

It hurt to cry, it hurt to admit his weakness even to himself. He should be stronger for them - for his family, both chosen and blood. But it also felt good, letting all of the stress and overwhelming emotions drain out.

Jin didn’t know how long he’d been sobbing when the hand landed on his shoulder. He startled, whipping his head up. Namjoon was looking at him wide wide, worried eyes.

“You scared me!” He scolded. Then softer, “What did you need?”

“Why are you crying?”

Jin wiped his eyes. “Nothing, just— Nothing.” He rose and turned, his heart leaping into his throat.

Everyone was in the room. Jungkook was hanging onto Yoongi, concern and fear etched on his pretty features. Yoongi’s eyes were filled with concern. Taehyung looked close to tears, holding Jimin’s hand. Hoseok’s mouth was a thin line, his expression unreadable.

“Wh— What? Why are you all in here?” Jin asked, panic squeezing his throat.

“Yoongi-hyung got us. He came in to ask you about a track... And found you sobbing,” Hoseok said.

“What’s wrong, Jin-hyung?”

“Why did you get everyone?” Jin asked, looking at Yoongi.

“Because you’re not okay. You keep saying you are but... You were crying when you broke up the fight between me and Taehyung.”

“You weren’t okay when you dropped off my computer,” Namjoon added.

“You were distracted all morning and even this evening,” Jungkook said.

“You didn’t tell us you were hurt,” Jimin added, touching his own side.

“I’m fine. I’m just a little stressed, no more than usual,” Jin said. He scrubbed his hands over his face and planted a smile.

“I gotta get up early though, and still have a ton of assignments to do. Sorry for worrying you guys, but I’m okay. You can go back to bed.”

“You haven’t slept with anyone in a month, hyung,” Jimin said softly.

“You’ve all had others to stay with.” Jin said. He slid between the group members and sat down at his desk, opening the textbook again.

“You haven’t made love to... Anyone... In at least as long.”

Jin’s jaw twitched. “You’ve all had others.”

“You make it sound like you’re not welcome to join. Like we’re not all seven.”

“I’ve been kind of busy.”

“Too busy to be with us?” Namjoon scolded.

“Yeah.”

“How?” Taehyung asked.

“Our schedules,” Jin tried.

“We all have the same schedules,” Jungkook said. “And I have school. I still make time for the guys.”

“Fine. Cooking. Breakfast and dinner, getting lunch for everyone. Driving Jungkook to school. Cleaning house over and over. Picking up rooms after members trash them in a fit. Breaking up fights. Taking extra choreography time because I’m not near as good as others. Meetings to fix vocals I’ve messed up. Spending hours at the store shopping for all seven. Being there to bandage your legs and help with homework and listen to tracks. Cleaning the living room after everyone goes to bed so others don’t get in trouble for leaving messes. And then doing my own homework. Is that a full enough schedule to explain my distance?”

Jin’s voice wavered as he spoke, guilt telling him just to shut up, stop making trouble. He looked down at his textbook, surprised to see little circles of wetness. “Please. I have to finish this — It’s due in two hours. I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you all. I’ll... Tomorrow I’ll be better. I’ll do better going forward, okay? I just... Need you all to leave me alone tonight. I’m so sorry.”

Jin remained still, hating how visibly his shoulders shook as he struggled to keep himself together. He could hear the members leaving one by one, the air becoming thicker and thicker the fewer were around.

He knew he’d ruined it. They probably hated him for snapping. Tears worked their way down his cheeks once more, shame and guilt eating at his stomach. He struggled to focus on his homework, using all two hours available to finish. It was one in the morning when he finally fell into bed, crying himself to sleep. He would try to fix the damage he’d caused in the morning. Four hours of sleep, then he’d work harder, he promised himself.

The next morning, Jin rolled over, scowling at the ceiling. He could hear the members in the hallway, a streak of panic rushing through him. Did he sleep in? He checked his phone, almost more confused when he saw it was right at the time he was supposed to get up.

He rose, pulling on his hoodie. He winced at the injury from the day before but padded out to see what the ruckus was.

He slammed almost directly into Yoongi, who was piling laundry into Hoseok’s arms. He grinned at Jin and stopped for a second, pressing a kiss to Jin’s surprised mouth. “Morning.”

“M— Morning.”

“Do you have any dirty laundry?”

“Uh— y— yeah in the basket.” Jin motioned to the basket in the corner of his room. Yoongi slid past him to grab it. Hoseok smiled softly.

“Did you get your homework done?”

“Mm.. Mhm.”

“Good. Do you have any today?”

Jin nodded again, still bewildered. He turned and padded into the living room, where Namjoon was packing Jungkook’s backpack. The kitchen was full of activity as well, Jungkook and Jimin were making breakfast, laughing and dancing in the small space.

A swell of love and affection filled Jin’s chest as he watched them. Taehyung came out of the laundry room, catching Jin’s gaze. He rushed to grab one of their first aid kits and took Jin’s hand.

“Have you cleaned the cut?”

“Not yet.”

“Lemme help. Then you should go help Jungkookie before he burns down the whole dorm.”

“Hey, I can cook!” Jungkook shouted.

Taehyung ushered Jin into the bathroom, helping him clean the cut. He bandaged it despite Jin’s argument that it was fine.

“Go on.”

“Tae—“

“I’ll do dishes after breakfast, okay? Me and Namjoon-hyung decided to. So you can take Jungkook to school.”

Jin nodded, still unsure what was happening. He padded into the kitchen, taking the spoon from Jungkook. “I got it. Thank you.” Jungkook tilted his head a little, smiling.

“Will you take me to school today?”

Jin nodded, beginning to stir the food the two had made. Out of the corner of his eye, Jin saw Jimin take some of the laundry Hoseok and Yoongi were balancing, heading with them to the laundry room.

Jin served up the group as normal, sitting with them last. They were all eating and talking over one another, seemingly none the wiser than anything was different from normal. It was at that point that Jin wondered if maybe he’d imagined it. Was he hallucinating?

Taehyung rose from the table, gathering plates that were empty even as he laughed over a joke Jimin had told. Jungkook rose and took Jin’s hand.

“Ready? I have a test today, I can’t be late.”

“Is your backpack ready?” Jin asked, rising.

“Books, papers, gym stuff. Good to go,” Namjoon assured him. Jin grabbed his keys, letting Jungkook pull him out of the dorm.

Once in the car, Jungkook set his hand over Jin’s.

“Hyung...”

“What?”

“I’m sorry for being such a bastard. Thank you for being so good to me always.”

Jin smiled softly. He reached out, brushing Jungkook’s hair back.

“You’re not a bastard, JK.”

“I have been.” Jungkook leaned forward, pressing a desperate kiss to Jin’s mouth. “Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”

Jin nodded. “Y— Yeah, of course.”

“Good. Let’s go.” Jungkook buckled up, holding his backpack to his chest and sitting forward. It took Jin a moment to remember he had to start the car to drive.

Jin headed back to the dorm, surprised to find the dishes done, as promised. Taehyung was sitting on the couch, playing on his phone.

“Hyung.”

“Hm?”

“I’m sorry for pushing you yesterday. That was out of line. I hurt you and I shouldn’t have.”

“You were frustrated.”

“But it wasn’t your fault. You’re not always on Yoongi-hyung’s side... You treat us the most fair during fights. I was being a brat.”

Jin shrugged awkwardly, unsure how to respond. Taehyung rose, snuggling himself against Jin. “I love you, hyungie.”

“I know. I love you too.” Jin kissed Taehyung’s forehead.

“Can I sleep with you?”

“Jungkook already asked.”

“I know. We can both share you... If you want.”

Jin smiled. “Of course I do.”

“What are you doing until practice?”

“Hm... Normally I do the dishes and clean up but... That’s done. I should check on the laundry the guys put in earlier.”

“Yoongi’s finishing that. He’s got the timer.”

“Oh. I mean, I guess I’ll do homework...” Jin said.

Taehyung nodded. “If you wanna take a break, I have a new game I got on my phone, I’ll show it to you, you might like it.”

“Sure. Thanks.” Jin cocked his head a little, heading toward his bedroom.

He started in on his homework, a little amazed that there hadn’t been an interruption yet.

He spoke too soon, however, because as soon as he’d fallen into a good rhythm, Jin’s phone buzzed. It was a text from Jimin.

‘Hey, hyung... I wanted to thank you for cleaning my room. It was wrecked and you didn’t have to do that. I would’ve deserved Hobi-hyung’s wrath. Just... thanks. A lot.’

Jin smiled a little. ‘His wrath would have hit all of us with how bad that room was. You’re welcome though. Maybe next time.... Clean up before bolting?’

‘Or just ask you before trashing the place. Thanks for always having my back, even if I don’t always act grateful for it.’

‘It’s ok, Jimin.’

‘Hyung?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Can I sleep in your bed tonight?’

‘You’ll have to share the space with Jk and Tae.’

‘That’s okay.’

‘Then yeah.’

Jin smiled a little as he read over the messages. Jimin responded to his final answer with a photo of himself giving a heart. He was shirtless, sweat pouring down his face. ‘Don’t work out too hard,’ Jin scolded before setting his phone down to get back to work. His mind kept drifting, but in a different way. Maybe they didn’t all hate him. The way Jungkook and Jimin and Taehyung had apologized, the care they put into not overwhelming him this morning… Maybe he didn’t mess things up so badly.

A knock sounded at Jin’s door.

“It’s open,” he called, jotting down another note before looking up. Yoongi was in the doorway, an armful of freshly folded clothes.

“Done.”

“You can just put them on the bed… Thanks for doing that.”

Yoongi did as he was told and went to the desk, leaning his hip on it. He fiddled with his hands, chewing his lip.

“Need something?” Jin asked.

“I was wrong to take advantage of you.”

“What?”

“I’ve been taking advantage of you. You’re always willing to listen and help and I knew that so I used it. I care about you and it was shitty of me to do that.”

“We all do things for ourselves. It’s okay.”

Yoongi reached out and squeezed Jin’s hand. “I wanna sleep with you tonight.”

“Gonna have to move to a bigger bed,” Jin said.

“What?”

“Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook all asked to sleep with me.”

“We’ll push two beds together.”

Jin chuckled. “Alright, if you want to.”

Yoongi nodded. “Will you lemme ride with you to the studio?”

“Sure. I’m going here in a bit, after this assignment, I have to work on some parts I didn’t do right in recording.”

“No problem, I need to talk to Namjoon about something anyway. Call me when you’re ready to go.”

Jin nodded, watching Yoongi walk out. He turned back to his homework.

Jin ducked into Adora’s office as soon as he, Yoongi, and Taehyung arrived at the studios, spending time redoing some parts of songs.

When it was time for lunch, he sent a quick message to the group, asking everyone what they wanted.

Instead of the normal flood of requests, just Hoseok texted back, ‘Just pick up whatever you’re craving - you know what we like, hyung’

Jin’s expression must have been one of pure confusion. “You okay?” Adora asked.

Jin nodded, setting his phone down. “They’re being weird.”

“The guys?”

Jin nodded again.

“Did you guys fight?”

“Last night yeah, but today... I don’t know. I’m just stressed.” Jin grinned at her. “Let’s finish up this part, I gotta get lunch and pick up Jungkookie.”

Jin entered the practice room, arms stacked full of lunches. Jungkook followed after, carrying drinks. The others rushed up, taking containers and passing them out. They scattered on the floor, crouching, sprawled out, kneeling, cross legged, as they began to eat. Hoseok settled next to Jin, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Lunch.”

Jin cocked his head. “I always get lunch.”

“And I don’t think I’ve ever said thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for… Anything, honestly. In all these years. That was kinda shitty of me, as your team mate… But also as your boyfriend. I’m sorry for that, Jin-hyung.”

Jin smiled softly. He reached out, stroking his thumb over Hoseok’s jaw. “It’s okay. You’re all here for me. That’s what matters.”

Hoseok smiled a little sadly. “I hate… Asking but… Can I have a favor?”

“What’s up?” Jin asked, finally tearing into his food.

“Could I sleep with you tonight?”

“Aw, Hobi… I’d love to say yes, but… I’ve already got four members who’ve asked.”

“I’m skinny.”

Jin smiled softly, shaking his head. “You deal with their bitching then, I won’t say no. If you all can fit, I have no problem with that.”

Hoseok beamed. He leaned against Jin as he ate.

Practice lasted a few more hours before their dance teacher let them go. Jin ended up with the youngest three on his way home. Jungkook was already working on homework, muttering soft threats at the other two who kept interrupting him.

Once inside, Jin immediately started in on dinner, a little surprised to see Namjoon loitering in the kitchen.

“Do you need something?”

“Well… Kinda. You don’t have to make dinner tonight.”

“You wanna deal with a starving Jungkookie?” Jin teased.

“I can order. Let’s just order something.”

“Why?”

Namjoon looked down. “Because I think we all need to have a talk and I’d rather do it now.”

Jin hesitated but nodded. “Okay. Go ahead and order. Or do you want me?”

“I already did. It’ll be here soon… Come into the living room, hyung.”

“This sounds serious… Is this where you break up with me?” Jin half joked. His smile faded when Namjoon didn’t laugh.

He followed him into the living room, seeing the others already grouped around their coffee table. Jin sat on the floor at the head of it, looking around at everyone.

“Guys?”

“Jin-hyung… We’ve been together for years,” Namjoon said. “One way or another. Friends, teammates, lovers… For four years.”

Jin nodded.

“We’ve gone through a lot. We rely on you… A lot more than we realize, I think.”

Jin lowered his head, guilt forming in the pit of his stomach. “I know… I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Yoongi asked.

“I let you guys down, didn’t I? Yesterday… Snapping… The way I’ve been lately…”

“You’ve been taking care of us for four years, Jin-hyung,” Jimin said. “You used to buy us food when we were hungry without ever asking for anything back.”

“You always take me to school,” Jungkook said.

“You support me no matter what, listening to my tracks, offering advice in the most supportive, positive way,” Yoongi said.

“You were the first one to hug me,” Taehyung whispered, “and to tell me I was cool.”

“You work so hard to impress us, to impress the fans, to prove yourself – harder than half us put together,” Hoseok said.

“You stand by me no matter what city or country we’re in, and support me both as your friend and your leader,” Namjoon said.

“You have never let us down, Seokjin-hyung,” Yoongi said firmly.

“We let you down,” Jimin whispered.

“How?” Jin asked.

“We’ve been taking advantage of you for so long. And how many times have we said thank you?” Namjoon asked. “Over and over… When Yoongi-hyung caught you crying and you yelled… Do you know what we did? We came out here and talked. We talked about what your day was like. About what every day has been like since we met. You work so hard for us, hyung. And you say nothing… You let us walk all over you. Why?”

Jin shrugged, hanging his head.

“Hyung…”

“I just want to feel like I’m useful. Like I give something to the group. I wanted to give you guys a reason to love me… Keep me around,” he whispered.

“We do love you. And we want you around. If you keep working yourself into the ground like this… We won’t have you. You need to let us help. And you need to say no sometimes. You aren’t our maid, or our servant. You’re our lover. You don’t need to do everything… Even if we’re useless.”

“That means maybe I get shouted at by Hobi-hyung for my mess, maybe I learn,” Jimin said.

“Maybe Yoongi-hyung and I fight, we always make up,” Taehyung said.

“Maybe I mess up some homework, or have to go to someone else for help, there’s seven of us,” Jungook said.

“It’s not all on you, hyung,” Hoseok said. “We miss you… The real you, not the exhausted one.”

“Cuddling and laughing and… Other stuff,” Namjoon said, rubbing the back of his neck. “We’re sorry, Jin-hyung… Can you forgive us?”

Jin chuckled a little. “I was never mad... There’s nothing to forgive.”

“Yeah, there is. And tell us when we’re being pushy shits okay? We’re gonna try to help around the house more. We’ll work out a schedule or something,” Namjoon said.

“Just don’t let Namjoonie cook,” Yoongi lamented.

Namjoon chucked one of the throw pillows on the couch at him, smacking him in the face with it. Jin laughed a little despite himself.

Namjoon climbed closer to him and pulled him into a kiss. “We have a lot of fixing to do, but trust us to do it, okay? We’ll get better for you. For us all.”

Jin ran his fingers through Namjoon’s hair. He nodded. “I trust you. All of you. I’m sorry I stayed quiet for so long too.”

“We all fucked up.” Hoseok said. “We can all work to get better.”

Jungkook perked up when the buzzer sounded.

“Food! Taehyungie-hyung, help?” Taehyung rose and followed Jungkook out to get the food.

Namjoon nuzzled Jin’s neck, kissing it gently.

“Hyung?”

“Hm?”

“Can I share your bed tonight?”

“Mind sharing it with five others?”

“Aw, I asked too late?”

“No,”

Yoongi said. “I think... We seven can all fit. We could push a couple beds together. If worse comes to worse, we could drag some mattresses out and just have a floor party.”

Jin laughed a little. “Since when am I so popular?”

“We all miss you,” Jimin admitted. “It’s like a chunk of us has been getting farther and farther. We were just too stubborn to see it was partly our doing until you said it.”

“I’m right here,” Jin assured him.

“We aren’t letting you go,” Hoseok agreed.

The two returned with with food and all seven crowded around the table, sharing the containers and feeding one another. Despite the weight of the conversation they had just finished, they fell into their own comfortable rhythm almost immediately. Taehyung wormed his way into Jin’s lap, kissing over his neck even as Jin shared salt seasoned kisses with Yoongi. As the containers emptied and bellies filled, their casual touches became more intense. The seven piled onto the couch, limbs tangled together. They shifted and moved together, holding and kissing any member in their reach. Though it would be an early morning and they couldn’t do anything, the feeling alone was enough to settle into Jin’s bones. He was more content than he’d been in nearly three months.

Yoongi pried himself out of the pile, enlisting Jimin’s help in fixing the beds.

They returned, tugging up various members until the group got the hint and made their way to the bedroom. They stripped down, all piling into the beds.

Jin found himself in the middle of, and half crushed by, all six of his lovers. Under normal circumstances he’d complain, and he knew he’d get too hot in just a few hours. But their gentle touches and the featherlight brushes of their mouths soothes him deep down in a place he hadn’t even realized was aching.

As everyone drifted off to sleep, Jin couldn’t help but smile. Despite the fights and the stress and the miscommunications— this was exactly where he belonged. This was his family, his shared life. And nothing could take that love away.

#networkbangtan #bangtanarmynet #kpopwonderlandtag #btsguild #btsbookclub #kwritersworldnet #armiesnet #thebtstown #ficswithluv #jinseoknet #btspolyshipbingo #poly bts #polyamory #bts polyamory #ot7 #ot7 ship #fluff #light angst #mywriting

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jessipalooza · 5 years ago

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die you fat bitch

I was originally going to answer this was “nah” or something that really brushes it off, because that’s what I usually do.

(Also if this is the same person: Hey, whoever you are, been a while - I was wondering if you were going to come back since it’s been months. How you doing? Doing ok? Been busy? New job? Marriage? Kids?)

That joke aside though, I’m going to get a little bit more serious here. I’ve really wondered whether or not I wanted to talk about this on social media, because it’s really nobody’s business and to be honest, I’m not feeling 100% secure just yet, but after getting this message, I do think it’s important to say something in case somebody - anybody that’s having a hard time - sees it too.

Some trigger warnings ahead, as an fyi.

I’ve mentioned before that I have struggled with some mental health and stuff, but I’m not sure if I said directly that I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder back in 2016. I had a bad bout of it for a little less than a year, got a new job, and it subsided quickly.

Throughout 2019, I had another bad downswing. However, this was much worse. To be very blunt, I had the first thoughts of suicide that I have ever had in my life. This is very hard to type and to admit “out loud”, but I had thoughts, compulsions, and some legitimate planning. It’s very difficult to admit that. Extremely difficult. Please understand how hard it is to admit that and put that out there.

Basically, shit was bad. Really bad.

When I noticed just how bad and couldn’t really deny it anymore (frequent breakdowns, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts that wouldn’t go away), I reached out to my doctor and a therapist. Since December, I’ve been seeing my doctor, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. I’ve been put on two antidepressants simultaneously so that they can work together. I see my PCP every other month, my psychiatrist once a month, and my therapist every other week. They do wellness check ins, though I need those less now that I’m on medication and the medication is working very, very, very well.

Basically, I was worse off than I ever have been before, I got help, and I’m getting better. Am I 100%? No. Am I getting there? I think so. I hope so.

But had I received this message back in November/December? Honestly, I don’t think I would’ve just been able to reply with a “nah” and brushed it off like I usually do. Like I’m kind of able to do now - because even now, it stings more than it used to when I’d get these every so often.

I really have no idea who you are. Idk why I’ve gotten these random anon messages calling me a bitch, fat, telling me to die, etc, for the past like 2-3 years. I don’t know who you are, and I really don’t care. You could be a completely random person that found my blog and does this to a million other people for all I know or care.

But whoever you are, just take into consideration what you’re saying, why you’re saying it, and if it really needs to be said, you know? I doubt you will, and honestly I doubt you’ll even see this and read it, but if you do, just think about it for a while honestly.

I’m glad I’m able to brush this off right now, but I might not have been able to a while ago, and if you’re sending this kind of stuff to other people, they might not be able to either.

Thanks.

#trigger warning #suicide #tw: suicide #tw

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thisselflovecamebacktome · 4 years ago

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I’ve been seeing a lot of those “there’s a real person behind the screen you’re sending hate to” posts circulating around the Swiftie community and it’s made me reconsider my place, or more lack of, in the community both past and presently and how online hate from this fandom has influenced that.

I guess in short, and to poke a little fun before getting into the serious part of this post, for a good 90% of my time in this fandom, I’ve felt like that Squidward window meme where I’m inside alone watching from afar as seemingly the rest of the fandom is out having fun together.

Now for the more serious stuff. To start this story, I want to take you back to a time that feels like lifetimes ago now; the beginning of 2015. 1989 had only been out a few months, I had successfully rebuilt my life and finished high school at the end of 2014 after having my world crash down over the span of 2011 - 2012, had amazing friends and what I thought was a ride or die family given how many major fights we had had yet still had each other’s backs. I was on a gap year and my then boyfriend of about two years and I were talking about leaving town and starting our lives together. Things seemed pretty amazing. But easy they come, easy they go as I soon realised.

Within the year of 2015, almost every part of my life was taken away from me. Even with volunteering and my usual day to day life, being on a gap year while not doing paid work messed with my mental health and sense of self worth within months. Not long after, I lost a friend without warning/explanation that I genuinely thought would be at my hypothetical future wedding. The rest of my friends were all at university and/or working everyday and it became real that I wasn’t as close to some of them as I thought and that school was the thing keeping us together. Around the same time, my family fell apart for the last time. My sister was removed by the police over her behavioural issues and I haven’t spoken to her since. Not long after, it was uncovered gotten us in thousands of dollars worth of debt and, despite their marriage breaking down, expected my mother to fix the damage. He moved out at the end of 2015 and despite everyone heralding how I was his favourite child for my whole life, went running back to my sister who mistreated him and would spend months at a time not talking to me only to call me when his parents were in town right up until I cut him off in late 2017. My extended family on both sides sided with him and my sister despite, again, them spending 20 years acting like I was the golden child. Again, I have not spoken to them for the last five years. The destruction of the family left my mother suicidal and bitter to the point she still says she cannot love anything, my brother and I included. It also pushed my brother to work up to 48 hours a week, meaning he wasn’t around. Given all of this, I stuck with my mother and decided to put off moving away, attended university here and ultimately based every decision around her not killing herself; a choice that put strain on my romantic relationship until it broke in late 2016. Once my father moved out, Centrelink refused to give my mother money, and so, despite my brother working full time and me part time, my mother, brother and I were only eating an average of once a day for about 8 months due to financial reasons and the debt my father left us in. It also meant that I wasn’t medicated for my bipolar/ptsd or going to see my psychiatrist like I should because we just could not afford it.

During this time, there felt like there was exactly one unchanging thing in my life; being part of the Taylor Swift fandom. And I’m well aware that some of you see that as unhealthy and stupid; god knows I see just how unhealthy it was now, but that’s how it felt.

So I spent so much of the 1989 era trying to do all I could to interact with people in the fandom, get Taylor’s attention, become a “big blog” and everything else the fandom was doing at the time to no avail. But, alongside this when I held opinions that are now seen as popular surrounding the era feeling like it was made for outsiders, 1989 as an album feeling less personal and not liking Tayvin, I expressed them here. In return, I received dozens of hate anons a day for over a year ranging from “Fuck you you fucking whore” to “Nobody, especially Taylor, will ever love or notice you so you may as well kill yourself now”.

Likewise, in the Reputation era, after I felt I had found my connection again with Taylor and honestly, loved her more than ever, I mentioned that I loved how much of a recovery album Reputation was as well as saying that I thought the Delicate music video was the perfect representation of not only the song, but Reputation as a whole. Despite Taylor talking about her mental struggles, I still receive anons along the lines of “Taylor’s not fucked up like you, you crazy bitch”.

In the seven or so years I’ve been in this fandom, I received ONE apology for anon hate. In early 2017, I was privileged enough to go away to a spot without wifi for a week and returned to a bunch of hate messages alongside one simply saying “Please do not have actually killed yourself. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please just answer this”.

Thankfully, somewhere in between the 1989 era and the Reputation era, I reached a point where I was healthy enough to just block anon hate and moved on with my day. Additionally, thankfully I learned that my value does not come from the opinion of others the first time my life fell apart. Honestly though? I fear for the day I hear about someone like me who hasn’t come to that realisation being targeted like I was because I know in my heart that things could have gone very differently for me and that anon hate could have been the thing that pushed me over the edge.

Despite being able to block it however, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like it had an impact on me. And some of that is on me. When I decided I wasn’t going to be an active member of the fandom anymore in the middle of the 1989 era and in the years since, I went from following over 1000 blogs to 50. I no longer try to reach out to people to be friends. At best, I go through relevant tags once every few weeks when I’m bored instead of daily like I used to. But they’re choices I wouldn’t have made if I hadn’t felt unwelcome in the fandom.

I’d also be lying if I said it didn’t make me sad to think about the what ifs of if I didn’t make those choices. Like sometimes it feels like I should have just “played the game” and followed the fandom trends, but it upsets me to feel like I had to be someone I’m not years ago just to participate properly in the fandom now. I mean I know this sounds up myself, but I honestly feel like I could add so much to this fandom. There’s so many ideas I have for cool interaction nights and so on, but honestly it just does not feel like it’s worth doing because I’m not a big enough blog to pull it off on my own and I’m not close to any of the people who hold these kind of things to try run it through them. And again, that just makes me sad.

Anyway, I’ve written a novel here, but I just want to reestablish that yes, every person that has received hate messages on this site is a real person with real feelings and real circumstances happening behind the screen and this is just one case of that.

I also want to end it off on a positive note, so to anyone who has ever messaged me non hateful messages anon or otherwise, been my friend or even just reblogged my posts with tags or liked them, I see you, I love you and it means more to me than you will ever know.

#taylor swift #swifties #anon hate #don't ask me what this is I'm just feeling a certain way today #also i know people feel weird about reblogging personal posts like this but feel free to if you don't mind having a novel on your page lmao #anyway i've been holding a lot of this in since 2015 so even if it doesn't get notes it feels good to get it off my chest

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f4liveblogarchives · 5 years ago

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Fantastic Four Vol 1 #196

Sun Aug 25 2019 [01:53 PM] Wack'd: Normally I don't post covers but there's a lot going on here

[01:53 PM] Bocaj: A lot to unpack [01:54 PM] Wack'd: So for the record [01:55 PM] Wack'd: What actually happened was that Skrulls abducted Franklin Storm out of prison, replaced him with a Skrull. Skrull Storm then broke out of prison and claimed he'd given himself superpowers and was now a supervillain [01:55 PM] Wack'd: "The Invincible Man" [01:56 PM] Wack'd: When the Four figured out the truth, the Skrulls send Franklin Storm back with a gun strapped to his chest, but rather than murder his kids he dropped to the floor so the gunshot would rebound on him [01:56 PM] Wack'd: So, uh, no. By no metric did Sue and Johnny "murder" him [01:57 PM] Wack'd: This was all back in the 60s which I read a fucktillion years ago in 2016 so I hope that recap helped [01:57 PM] Bocaj: That sure is nonsense [01:58 PM] Wack'd: In fairness. Not bad revenge for being tricked by a comic book and having your soldiers turned into cows [01:58 PM] Bocaj: Fair [01:59 PM] Wack'd: So anyway Reed is in a hypnosis chamber to have his will broken so he'll kill his friends [01:59 PM] Wack'd: When his new bosses said that there was free mental health treatment I don't think this is what Reed had in mind [02:01 PM] Bocaj: Truly businesses supporting mental health hasn't gotten any better since the 70s... [02:01 PM] Wack'd: This mystery man who may or may not be Franklin Storm somehow has cannibalized Psycho-Man's suit for more effective hypnosis. You might remember him from the Four 1967 annual [02:01 PM] Wack'd: Also other stuff [02:03 PM] Wack'd: Also his assistant is Hauptmann, from the 85-87 arc where Doom tries to trap the Four in Latveria forever [02:03 PM] Wack'd: I really should be keeping a running list of who's been doing the most cannibalizing from the 60s [02:03 PM] Wack'd: Because jesus fuck have we been on a continuity kick lately [02:04 PM] Wack'd: BACK TO HOLLYWOOD [02:05 PM] Wack'd: Sue tries desperately to pretend she's had a single meaningful conversation with Johnny since 1964

[02:06 PM] Bocaj:

"Hey.... you" "Its me, Johnny! The loveable rascal! Your brother!" "Right right right of course!" -to Reed- "I have no idea who that is"

[02:06 PM] Wack'd: I'd like to nominate Keith Pollard for worst-ever drawing of any child, ever

[02:06 PM] Bocaj: Kill it with fire [02:07 PM] Wack'd: Maybe Pollard is just...bad at art?

[02:08 PM] Wack'd: The coloring isn't helping though [02:08 PM] Umbramatic: oh god [02:08 PM] maxwellelvis: I was about to say [02:08 PM] maxwellelvis: Good lord! First-phase Liefeld's Syndrome! [02:10 PM] Wack'd: Something I haven't mentioned is that Agatha is now Franklin Richards' live-in nanny which, I think, would probably have been a smarter writing choice from the beginning [02:10 PM] Bocaj: Oh so she returned to the job? [02:10 PM] Wack'd: It was always kinda weird that Reed and Sue had to shlep out to Agatha's house to see their kid [02:10 PM] Bocaj: This must have been around the time she told Wanda 'I've taught you all I can, laters' [02:10 PM] Wack'd: Yeah since New Salem and also her house got got she's been following around Sue and Franklin, including to Hollywood [02:12 PM] Wack'd: So Sue, Ben, and Johnny go sightseeing, and talk about reforming the team. Only problem is convincing Reed [02:12 PM] Wack'd: They arrive on the Walk of Fame, and--

[02:12 PM] Wack'd: I am officially declaring Pollard the worst [02:13 PM] maxwellelvis: AHH! ART ATTACK! [02:13 PM] Umbramatic: my eyes [02:13 PM] maxwellelvis: THE ART IS COMING RIGHT AT US! [02:14 PM] Wack'd: Ben tries to get an autograph but is shoed away by cops [02:14 PM] Wack'd: Who think he's a guy in a costume because Let's Make Another Deal™ is shooting across the street [02:15 PM] Wack'd: Okay, I laughed

[02:16 PM] Bocaj: Hah [02:16 PM] Wack'd: *Alex Ross goes on to use this panel as the basis for his drawings of Sue and Johnny* [02:16 PM] Bocaj: To choose which celebrities they look like? [02:16 PM] Wack'd: Yes [02:16 PM] Wack'd: Dats da joke [02:17 PM] Bocaj: Is it a joke? I thought you were seriously imparting trivia [02:18 PM] Wack'd: It was a joke, I can't actually name the celebrities off the top of my head that Alex Ross picks, sorry [02:18 PM] Wack'd: So the scenes from the cover happen but they're hallucinated in the middle of this lovely restaurant [02:19 PM] Wack'd: Also, this

[02:20 PM] Wack'd: So apparently this was all a battle in the center of the mind not in physical space. Sue, Johnny, and Ben lose, allowing Invincible Man to extract them from the restaurant [02:21 PM] Wack'd: Just another day in Hollyweird, lol

[02:22 PM] Wack'd: So back at Reed's new job, it turns out Invisible Man was--REED! [02:22 PM] Wack'd: He was hypnotized [02:23 PM] Bocaj: 😐 [02:23 PM] Bocaj: Another Evil Reed? [02:23 PM] Wack'd: But then he snaps out of it and gets angry so they're all thrown in a dungeon [02:23 PM] Bocaj: Another Evil But Its Not His Fault Honest Reed?? [02:23 PM] Wack'd: YEP [02:23 PM] Bocaj: Weird trend lately [02:23 PM] Wack'd: I know, right? [02:25 PM] Wack'd: I maintain that Wein was throwing a hissy fit over the idea of Reed having character flaws. But Wein is gone, and it's a weird grudge for two consecutive writers to hold, especially when the divorce arc has been over for like 45 issues [02:26 PM] Bocaj: Maybe the current writer is just copying Wein [02:26 PM] Wack'd: Maybe [02:27 PM] ThreeOfFour: someone tell The Maker he isn't special [02:27 PM] Wack'd: So anyway Reed agrees to go back to work because otherwise his friends die I guess [02:28 PM] Bocaj: Hey, the Maker. You're not special [02:29 PM] Wack'd: ...this guy hasn't appeared before this issue so I'm not sure why I'm supposed to care here

[02:30 PM] Wack'd: I actually went back and checked just now to see if this guy was in other issues at Reed's new job and no, he's not, Wolfman introduced to this supposedly important character just to make a joke about the fact that he's not important [02:31 PM] Wack'd: The beginning of the issue kind of implies that he's the mysterious man in chair? But there's a panel later on that implies it's Doom, so [02:32 PM] Wack'd: So this is what Reed's been working on

[02:32 PM] Bocaj: The set of a high budget fantasy movie? [02:32 PM] Wack'd: These mirrors are so powerful that they will drive you insane if you look at them with your eyes open, and even with your eyes closed it's not great [02:32 PM] Bocaj: why [02:33 PM] Wack'd: I guess this is what they thought solar power would be like in 1978 [02:34 PM] Wack'd: The Red-Haired Man is also planning on getting Reed his stretching back for some reason [02:35 PM] Wack'd: Back in the dungeon, Sue uses her force fields to break the team's shackle and the--okay

[02:35 PM] Wack'd: I know Janet has that whole speech about how when you focus on power sets and not what each personality brings to the team, you don't build something that lasts as long as the Avengers do [02:36 PM] Wack'd: That said I'm kinda feeling like Sue can do everything Reed could with far less threat of bodily harm [02:36 PM] Bocaj: But can she be a giant asshole who tells the others what to do all the time? [02:36 PM] Wack'd: Fair [02:37 PM] Wack'd: Also why are so many artists convinced Sue's powers come from her forehead [02:37 PM] Bocaj: That’s where psychic powers come from [02:39 PM] Wack'd: I should probably take a moment to point out the interior blue highlights on Sue's powers, an embellishment that will gradually lead to more dynamic illustrations and the eventual obsolescence of the classic dotted-line look

[02:40 PM] Umbramatic: Sue's slow evolution into one of the most powerful people in Marvel pleases me [02:41 PM] Wack'd: Anyway no sooner do they escape then they are immediately re-captured by Doom, who let them escape because they are powerless and he is great and yada yada yada [02:42 PM] Umbramatic: DOOOOOOM [02:43 PM] Bocaj: "There would be no plot if DOOM did not allow you fools to escape"

#1978 #Marv Wolfman #Keith Pollard #The Main Book

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millllenniawrites · 5 years ago

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millllennia’s frequently asked questions

Last Update: November 19 2021

Who the heck are you?

I’m Mack (though there’s a couple people on here that have called me Milli which I thought was adorable and that is also a perfectly fine thing to call me) I’m a full-time uni student from Canada that’s been writing on here since 2016. I use she/her pronouns usually but like really what is a gender. I used to be fanfiction-trashpile (which is still my user on ao3).

Can I translate your work?

Short answer: no.

Long answer: still no, but it’s more complicated than that. No one has permission to repost or translate my work. Even if you message me and offer to give me credit, I will say no. If you want to create for fandom, you should do it yourself and I will stand by that.

I welcome fanart, podfic, and fanfic of my fics, and I’d love if y’all would message me/send it to me/tag me in it so that I can hype you up!

If you decide to write with my original characters (the Helix universe or Dear Love of Mine) I will ask that you give me credit for the characters, but I don’t mine anyone else writing them. The only canon content created for the Helix universe belongs to myself and vampy ( @vampirewithbedsidemanners) but even we write alternate universes of the Helixverse, so it’s totally okay for other people to do that too.

Why are you so darn specific about the style you write in?

Okay so there are a few things about this that I’m really picky about:

I never use y/n or any other derivatives of the term (y/e/c or the like). For me, it’s much harder to avoid using those kinds of stand-ins for terms, so I like to challenge myself by never ever using them. If the fic calls for the reader’s name to be directly said, I’ll just give the reader a last name (like in dear love of mine where the reader’s last name is Dean)

(NOTE: this is not to say that people that use y/n are taking the easy road or whatever. it’s entirely a personal decision and writers that use it are still good. it’s just not for me)

All my sfw fics are completely body/gender neutral unless otherwise specified

All my nsfw fics are with an afab reader (because I only know my own biology and I’d hate to try to write something for another biology type and end up getting it wrong and just alienating everyone)

I’m specific about these things because I do not look like the skinny/blonde/straight-haired/blue-eyed/wattpad version of a reader in RI fanfic. It alienated me back when I read on that platform and I’d hate to make anyone feel like that. I’m still learning, and I’m not perfect, but I really want people who read my content to feel like they can actually be immersed in the story, no matter what they look like.

That being said, I do not write readers from specific backgrounds/with specific features because I am whiter than white and that’s not my place (though I have reblogged some stuff that has specific readers so there definitely is some on my page! check out the recommended tag)

My own personal tastes obviously affect my writing (because everyone writes from their own experiences) so there is often dancing/hair touching in my fics because I like that stuff. There will be warnings for basically anything that could alienate the reader including but not limited to: hair mentions, the reader getting picked up, the reader’s clothing being mentioned, and abnormal physical activity (dancing, swimming, etc). If you

Are requests open?

Requests for moments, headcanons, one-shots and drabbles are open! please send me headcanons i love hearing what y’all are thinking! with that being said, i reserve the right to not write or respond to requests that i don’t want to do because at the end of the day, this is my space and my writing makes me happy.

What fandoms do you write for?

I am currently writing for:

Star Wars (literally any character including rebels/CW)

James Bond (Craig era)

Dune (I love the books and the film so I write based on both!)

Marvel (including all movies and the Punisher)

But I will generally write for any content I have consumed in the last 2 years (so I'd be super down to write for mortal instruments/shadowhunters, for example, it might just take longer). If you request something I am not currently writing for, I will keep your request until I recirculate that fandom/character/concept because I am basically a garbage disposal for fandom.

Do I need to give you plot details in my requests?

Requests can be as simple as “Fluff with Poe Dameron!!” but can be as complex as you would like. Some formats include:

dialogue prompts (ie. “I missed you” with Jace)

type of fic (ie. I would love some Billy Russo angst)

relationships with canon characters (ie. can you write some reader x kylo ren where the reader is Rey’s sister?)

any amount of plot details (ie. thanksgiving at the Weasley’s where you and Percy get stuck hand washing dishes)

Moments Collection prompt (ie. I read your Poe “The moment they first saw you” fic. Can you write one with Dani from Prodigal son?)

Headcanon prompt (ie. how do you think Poe finding out you’re alive after thinking he had lost you would go?)

Or any combination!! I like writing what you guys want to see and challenging myself with your ideas.

What “out of the box” ideas are you willing to write?

Many writers will not write the following, so I wanted to be clear that anything on this list can be requested and will be written without being altered (assuming it’s in my lane). If any of these things are used in a work, they will be listed in the Warnings category at the top of the post.

graphic descriptions of violence (including but not limited to: injury, torture, emergency surgery)

death (major characters and reader included. I just won’t write drowning for my own personal safety)

homophobia

nightmares/night terrors/forced dream sequence/drug trips/things like in spiderman: far from home before peter gets hit by a train

lemon/smut/that kind of thing (but I’m very new to this so take it easy on me folks)

panic attacks

dubcon/noncon/dark fic

I will also write the following things that are not “warning” related but not all writers will dabble in:

alternate universe (though I usually prefer canon-compliant work)

crossover content

polyamorous relationships

What don't you write?

I absolutely will not write:

suggestive content with underaged characters (I’ll age them up)

the act of self-harm (I will write post-getting clean or talking about self-harm vaguely, but won’t write the action or witnessing the action for my own safety)

drowning/water boarding/violence involving water (I know, very specific, but I don’t write this for my own safety)

readers that deal with transphobia/racism (I am blessed to not have experienced either of these things and it’s absolutely not my place to think I can write about these struggles. I will however reblog content I find and enjoy because it is so important to talk about these things and bring awareness to these communities)

mental illness other than anxiety/depression/ptsd (outside of canon determined elements)

specific pronoun requests. all of my sfw work is gender neutral. the reader insert/imagine space has been historically very heteronormative and I want everyone to be able to enjoy my writing, no matter how they identify and which pronouns they use. if a fic is requested with pronouns, I will still write the request. it will just be gender neutral

real life people. non-negotiable. this makes me feel icky. no judgement to those that do it. I just won’t

abo!AUs. not my jam.

magic AUs.

I hope this clears some stuff up! I’m looking forward to hearing from you guys! my inbox is always open so feel free to come chat!

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agent-styles · 5 years ago

Note

can you do "Is that blood?" "…No?" and “Are you hurt?” “No.” “Then why are there bruises all over your face?” with bucky please? thank you!

((a/n: takes place during cacw and the gif is not mine))

“Come on!”

You whip around to face your front door when you hear the voice on the other side of it. You step to the side of the kitchen island and grab the hidden gun strapped under the countertop. You lower into a ready position and point your gun at the door. You hear the person on the other side of the door fumble with the lock, clearly failing to find the right key.

The door suddenly swings open to reveal a man in a red with shoulder-length dark hair and a black cap on. Your shoulders relax as you make the smallest bit of eye contact with the man. He’s no intruder. You gave him a key.

“Bucky, what the hell?” you shout as you secure the gun back in its spot under the counter.

He slides his bag down his arm before shrugging his jacket off. He paces past you and into the living room, rushing to close all the blinds. You jog to the door, securing all of the locks because clearly he is keeping something from you.

You lean back against the door and watch the man you love speed around the very small apartment to ensure all of the windows are locked and the blinds are drawn.

“Buck, you know I’m a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and I can protect myself, right?”

“You never let me forget it, doll. It’s not you I’m worried about,” he shouts from the bedroom.

Doll. You never thought that in the year 2016 your boyfriend would choose the word doll to show affection. It’s dated but its yours…or at least it feels that way. If his metal arm is hidden in a crowd, you can always find him when his raspy voice calls out for you, “Doll, where’d you go?” Now, you can’t imagine being called anything else.

Your relationship started thanks to an assignment to monitor the Winter Soldier after he left Washington in 2014. Even though you’re one of the best in your field and Bucky will admit you’re smarter than him, he caught you on one of the nights you were too tired to notice a small mistake that is noticeable to a super soldier. You made a deal not to take him in as long as he went along with the surveillance you were required to do. When the two of you become closer, you asked to be removed from the assignment. You were subsequently transferred to the S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters in Vienna. Things progressed pretty organically after that. Well, besides the fact that most of your dates took place within the walls of either his or your apartment. Especially now when someone was tipping off the press that the Winter Soldier was the culprit for any and all crimes.

That’s when your mind comes back to the present. Bucky is clearly running from something or someone. He’s back in the living room now, filling up a glass with water. You watch him carefully. His chest rises and falls at a rate that you’ve only seen at night when his night terrors get to be a little too much and you have to carefully wake him. When he tilts the bill of his hat back a bit to raise his head and chug the water, you notice the unusual shadows on his face. He places the glass on the counter a little harder than necessary. Then his hands grip the granite. That’s when you notice the blood by his left eyebrow and on the bridge of his nose.

You shake your head and roll your eyes, back still against the door. “Is that blood, Buck?” you question him?

He squints his left eye and looks anywhere but at you, “No…”

You bite your lip and nod. You push your shoulders off the door to stand up straight, arms crossed. “Barnes, are you hurt?”

“No, y/n. I’m fine. Just needed a place to lay low.”

“Bullshit.” You march over to him and rip his cap off. You can’t help but wince when the light catches all of the gashes, bruises, and scrapes on his face. “Then why are there bruises all over your face?” You toss his cap on the counter and take his chin between your right index finger and thumb. You turn his somehow still gorgeous face from left to right to fully examine the damage. Bucky still won’t meet your worried eyes.

You move his face so he’s looking directly at you before you speak. “James Buchanan Barnes, if you do not tell me what in the hell happened, I will call Sharon and have Steve here in no time.”

You know Bucky hates being a burden, especially to you and Steve, but when he shows up at your place bruised and battered, you have to matters into your own hands.

Bucky rolls his eyes and leans against the counter, “It’s a little too late for that.”

“What do you mean?”

“They think I hurt a lot of people, y/n. Steve was at my place when I got there, the SWAT team not too far behind,” he confesses. “I had to get out of there, so I fought like hell,” he gestures to his face.

You feel the tension in your shoulders build as a million thoughts cross your mind at once. Could someone from HYDRA caught Bucky at a low moment and used him to do their dirty work like they have so many times in the past? Whose after him? But there’s one you know he can answer. “What do they think you did?”

He presses his lips together just as his brows furrow. It hurts you to see him so torn up like this, physically and mentally. You can see him split in two right in front of you. He doesn’t want to believe he’s done whatever act he is keeping to himself, but he knows that he is capable of doing some terrible things when corrupted by the worst of humankind. You give him a second to come to terms with whatever he needs to.

“They think I bombed the Vienna International Centre this morning.”

You slide in front of him and take his hands in yours, the metal one still a little cool to touch but you’ve grown comfortable with it. “You know you didn’t this, Buck,” you tell him. “You were with me all morning. You only left to go by the fruit stand and grab some things from your place.”

Bucky slowly nods, looking down at your intertwined hands. You free up your right hand and bring it to his left cheek. His eyes fill with tears when he looks at you and admits, “I can’t lose myself again, babe. I can’t go through that again.”

You move your thumb against his cheek, trying to calm him down. “I won’t let that happen. We won’t let that happen,” you assure him, knowing Steve will stand with you in protecting Bucky against whatever is coming.

(send me requests!)

#request #anon #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #mine

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horansqueen · 5 years ago

Text

AM Conversations : chapter 16

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.9k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- IF YOU WANT TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN THIS IS UPDATED, I THOUGHT I COULD START A TAG LIST SO LET ME KNOW. IF YOU’D RATHER BE NOTICED IN PRIVATE, MESSAGE ME TOO PLEASE!

- more smut to cum

- i’m having a hard time finding 2015 Niall gifs so i may add 2016 gifs instead. if you want to propose me any PLEASE message me. youll make my day!

- thank you so much for all the asks i get. you guys make me so happy. i cant even explain. thank you forever. i love you!!!

- the ending sucks? im sorry

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 16 : His chapter

NIALL

I tried to enjoy the afternoon with everyone but I couldn't pretend that I didn't mind that Liv was not there with me. After all, I decided to accept Harry's invitation this weekend to spend time with her and I was a bit annoyed that I was stuck with other people. I swam a bit but ended up mostly checking stuff on my phone and trying not to interact with people too much but I couldn't ignore them forever, especially not Maya who had tried to catch my attention all day.

I felt her sit on a chair next to me and it reminded me of when we were all around the fire a few nights ago. I could still remember her hand on my thigh and It made me swallow hard. I could feel her eyes on me and after a while, I couldn't resist and looked up, sending her a small but uncomfortable smile before looking back at my phone.

"I know you're avoiding me, Niall." she just admitted with a sigh, making me close my eyes. "I'm not sure why, though. I mean, you kissed me yesterday.. Is it wrong of me to think you may like me?"

I remained motionless for a few seconds, not really sure of what to answer her. I had no idea why I had kissed her but somehow, I regretted it. I knew doing something like that with her was going to make everything messier and that was why I had decided not to do anything in the first place. Now, it was too late and I knew blaming it on alcohol was just plain wrong, even if it was tempting.

I breathed in and turned to look at her, the expression on her face making me feel extremely guilty. Did I like Maya? No, I really didn't think so, and I was not sure why. She was physically everything I would have dreamed of, and had a great personality too, but I just didn't feel it at all. I remember wanting to shag her a few years ago but now I just didn't care. It made no sense and I didn't even want to try and understand my own feelings.

"Honestly, Maya." I sighed and shook my head slightly. "I'm just not ready for a relationship. Actually, I don't want a relationship."

I saw her face change and I could read sadness on her traits. I was a fucking asshole and also an idiot.

"I'm sorry, yesterday was just... a spur of the moment." I explained, moving my face closer to her and talking in a low and gentle tone. "Maybe I shouldn't have, but at that moment I really wanted it, but I don't think I want things to go further, you know?"

I noticed how disappointed she was and perhaps even heartbroken. I didn't know she liked me that much and it surprised me but there was nothing else I could do. I knew if I kept talking I would probably make things worse so I just reached out to grab her hand and squeezed it a bit, sending her a sad smile.

"Are you okay?"

I expected her to take her hand back but she just squeezed it too, putting her other hand over mine.

"No, I mean yes." she expressed, closing her eyes for a few seconds and chuckling low. "I mean, if you change your mind..."

I opened my lips to answer her but suddenly received a beach ball on my head, making me groan as I turned around. Gemma was laughing and Louis just shrugged as an apology, his eyes open wide. He looked amused and I just rolled my eyes.

"Clearly you suck at this game Tommo!" I yelled loud enough for him to hear when I noticed they were playing volleyball. "The girls are winning!"

"They beat us in numbers, that's why we're losing!" Liam argued, making me laugh again.

"Yea you tell yourself that, Liam!" I let out with a laugh.

"Why don't you show us your skills then, Neil?"

I hesitated a few seconds but finally got up, taking my shirt off and throwing it over my phone before running to them and joining the guys' team. We played for about an hour but lost against the girls and when we all walked back to the cars, I was exhausted. It made me realize I hadn't thought about my best friend in a while and just that simple idea made my heart skip a beat. She probably wasn't thinking about me either, most likely too busy to make out with Harry and I grimaced at that thought. I felt like i'd never be at ease with their relationship and it bugged me.

I noticed Maya decided to ride with Louis and it made me frown but at the same time, it was a relief. I didn't know how to act around her anymore and I was scared I had been a bit rough with her. After all, I did send her a few mixed signals and it was wrong of me, but it was better to be honest now than to make her believe something could happen between us.

"It's early, d'you think Harry and Liv are done doing it or should we just go grab a bite to give them more time?"

My head moved up to fast I almost heard my neck crack and I stared at Louis as he unlocked the door of his car to let people in.

"They're not... doing... anything." I pointed out with an annoyed chuckle, raising one of my shoulders up. "What are you on?"

"Oh Neil, you poor poor naive boy." Louis said with a laugh, shaking his head and putting his hand on my shoulder. "They've been postponing this shit for so long, don't you think they want to have some fun now?"

I frowned more, my eyes roaming on his face as he smiled more.

"If he touched her i'm gonna kill him." I just replied without thinking, making Louis chuckle.

"That's not really your business, Niall, is it now?"

My facial expression changed but I tried to keep the anger in. I was tired to hear that it was none of my business and that I was not allowed to protect and care for Liv. She was my best friends and that's what best friends do. I wanted to tell him to keep his opinions to himself but I swallowed my words, the feeling extremely unpleasant. Louis took a step closer and looked behind himself to make sure everyone was in the car before turning back to look in my eyes.

"If you want to be more than friends with her, you need to do it now, or it may be too late." he pointed out in a low tone, raising his eyebrows at me.

"I have no idea what the f-" I started, taking a step back, as he gripped my shoulder harder.

"Shut up." he cut me. "That little competition you've got going on with Harry? It's getting annoying, and it's about Olivia. The sooner you open your eyes the better, so we don't have to witness it anymore, okay?"

Without giving me the chance to answer, he turned around and sat in his car, closing the door roughly. I stood there for a few more seconds and finally pushed all the air out of my lungs before walking around my car and sitting behind the wheel. I would have laughed at his words if I hadn't been so fucking pissed. Everyone around me was going fucking insane, and Louis was just the worst of them all.

Maybe the way I cared about her could pass as more than friendship but they all knew how close Liv and I were and I couldn't understand why suddenly, it meant something else. Nothing had changed between us except maybe the fear of losing the other but that didn't mean we had feelings for each other.

I drove the whole way back to the lodge in silence, trying to respect the speed limits, even if I was impatient to get back there, if only to know if Louis was right. Now that he was mentioning it, they were always flirty around each other and it made something stir in my stomach. I remembered the way they danced at the club or the things they said when we played truth or dare. Why didn't I notice that before? It seemed so obvious now that that's what Harry had in mind when he asked me to spend time with Liv alone and I slapped myself mentally for being so oblivious to his intentions.

My seat belt was undone as soon as I parked the car and I quickly grabbed my stuff to walk back inside fast. I was still mad and I really didn't feel like talking with anyone so when I rushed to my room, I didn't think to knock. If catching my best friend masturbating wasn't enough, finding her naked under one of my bandmates would certainly do the trick from now on.

Liv let out a short high-pitched scream while Harry muttered a curse word, pushing his body over hers to hide her from my eyes. His reaction brought back the anger inside me and I held my breath as my eyes found Liv's. She immediately closed them as I remained motionless, facing the bed. I couldn't think of any worse scenario than this exact one.

"Niall, could you please just fucking leave?" Harry asked, glaring at me.

"You're fucking my best friend! I'm not leaving!"

The words escaped my lips and my heart skipped a beat. It didn't make any sense but at the same time, it did to me.

"We're not having sex, we were just making out." Liv explained in a soft voice, her eyes still shut tight.

"You're bloody naked!" I mentioned, my face twisting into an upset grimace. "You guys have been dating for like, two minutes!"

"That's none of your business, Niall, now leave." I heard Harry say, making me even angrier.

"You, you don't tell me what to do!" I let out meanly, taking a step closer and pointing a finger at him.

"NIALL! LEAVE!"

The room became quiet and my eyes met Olivia's as my lips parted in surprise. I let my arm fall back on my side, my heart beating hard in my chest as I tried to remember if my best friend even yelled at me before. I couldn't really blame her. I was, in fact, yelling at the guy she liked while she waited naked under him, but I was still shocked by her words. I remained motionless, just staring at her for a while, until she swallowed hard, closing her eyes again.

"Please, Nee, leave." she repeated in a low tone this time.

It took me about a minute to turn around and leave, shutting the door so hard behind myself that the frame shook slightly. I passed my hand in my hair, pulling on it hard and roughly, as I paced in the hall. I didn't know how to let go of that insanely painful and annoying feeling inside of me and I groaned low, closing my eyes hard, trying to get rid of the image of Harry on top of my best friend.

I don't know how long it took but it seemed to take forever until the door opened again. Harry stopped in front of me and we stared at each other until he shook his head a few times.

"What?" I let out a bit too loud, raising my hands up. "You're mad at me because you didn't have time to shag her?"

"I'm mad because you hurt her and she's sad." he let out slowly and in a low tone, making sure I heard every word. "I'm mad because she asked me to leave and I can't comfort her, she won't let me be there for her and yes Niall, I blame you."

He just moved past me, hitting my shoulder with his arm lightly as he left but I didn't budge.

"If you loved her, you should have told me when I asked you." he added as he reached his room. "Now it's too late."

I held my breath until I heard his door close and took a few steps, pushing on the ajar door of the room I shared with Liv. I was surprised to see her walk quickly around in the dark, wearing Harry's shirt. The sight made me cringe but I just shoved my hands on my pockets.

"What the FUCK are you doing?" I asked, my eyes following her as she grabbed stuff around the room.

"I'm leaving!" she just let out, not even looking at me.

"Leaving? From here? Or just from this room?"

She didn't answer but sniffed and that's when I noticed she was crying. I felt my heart break in my chest and most of my anger vanished. Seeing Olivia sad was the worst thing in the fucking world. I could have told her to leave. I could have told her to go see Harry if that's what she fucking wanted. But she was crying and it made me want to take her in my arms instead. She ended up on her knees, sobbing even more, and I knew that if she was shamelessly crying like that in front of me, it meant she couldn't control it. I sighed and put myself in front of her, getting on my knees too. They brushed against the carpet and I winced a bit at the pain in my left one, making me realize I shouldn't have played volleyball for so long.

"Please, petal, i'm so sorry."

Cautiously, I reached for her shoulders with both my hands, expecting her to push me away but instead, she just collapsed in my arms, her head leaning against my upper arm. I held her closer and tighter, burying my face in her hair and smelling the same thing I had noticed a few days ago. I inhaled deeply, the scent of vanilla invading me, and pressed her body against mine the best I could. It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous, and I was not even sure why she was crying. All I knew is that I wanted her to stop being sad.

"I'm so sorry." I repeated just as low. "I really shouldn't have. Fuck. I don't know why I got so pissed I just.. I just don't want him to take advantage of you."

I held her close a few more minutes and she wiped her tears on my shirt, looking up in my eyes. I brought both my hands to her face and cupped her cheeks, running my thumbs under her eyes to remove what was left of her sadness. My gaze traveled on her face, noticing how heartbroken she looked, and my lips parted slightly at how close we were.

"He was... he was not. I wanted this." she murmured.

I couldn't understand myself anymore. I didn't know what was happening to me, or what I wanted. All I knew was that I was losing her and that no matter what I did, nothing seemed to go back the way it used to be.

"I don't deserve it but please, forgive me." I breathed out, watching her eyes flutter close and open again, my face still only a few inches away from hers. "I'm gonna leave you two alone now, okay? I'll let you do whatever you want without a comment and without butting in."

She closed her eyes and I felt her shake a bit, aware that she was near sobbing.

"Hey, hey, Liv..." I tried to get her attention back. "I promise. Just... look, i'm so fucking scared to lose you."

I thought i'd regret my words but as soon as they escaped my lips, I felt an incredible relief wash over me but still held my breath. I could feel my heart beat against my rib cage but her eyes opened and she shook her head lightly.

"You'll never lose me, Niall." she pointed out, swallowing hard. "I feel like you're always so close to leave. I'm scared you'll realize that I'm nothing compared to the people you hang out with and you'll just drop me."

Her voice was low and weak and her words shook me in a way I didn't expect. How could she ever think something so bad coming from me? How could she ever think so low of herself?

"If anything, you're too good for me." I whispered, running one of my thumbs on her lips. "You're my best friend and I love you, okay? I'll always love you."

Her eyes got slightly bigger when I moved closer for a few seconds but I finally moved back and licked my lips, still cupping her face.

"You understand?" I asked, raising my eyebrows as she nodded slowly. "Okay."

I loosened the grip I had on her cheeks and she sat up, closing her eyes. I felt like shit for how I was acting around her and even if I couldn't shake the bad feeling I had about Harry and her, I knew I had to keep it to myself from now on, even if it would be tough.

"Please, stay."

She didn't look at me at all. She just got up, leaving her stuff on the floor, and walked to the bed to sit on it. I got up too and sighed, biting my bottom lip as I looked at her.

"Are you hungry?" I just asked, shoving my hands in my pockets again.

"Yea, give me a few minutes, I'll dress up and meet you in the kitchen." she said after clearing her throat. I nodded and turned on my heel but stopped again when I heard her voice. "You should go talk to Harry."

I shut my eyes tight, grabbing the inside of my pockets tight as I breathed in. I knew she was right, but there was nothing I wanted less than to go talk to him. Still, I had to do it for her.

"Okay."

I closed the door behind myself and quickly walked to Harry's room, knocking on the door. It swung open after only a few seconds and when I saw his smile fall down, I realized he had hoped for Liv, and not for me.

"Harry, I just wanted to say that i'm sorry." I quickly let out, one of my hands still twisting the fabric of the inside of one of my pockets. "That won't happen again."

His face softened slightly but I could tell he was still pissed at me. We remained silent for about a minute and I just nodded a few times, turning around to leave.

"Why?"

His question made me frown and I turned around to look at him again, shrugging.

"Why what?"

"Why didn't you just tell me that you loved her?" he questioned me, taking a step closer to me and leaning against the door frame.

"Because I don't." I rolled my eyes. "What's wrong with you guys? Liv and I have always been close, it's nothing new."

"No, things have changed." he argued again. "You never cared about who she dated before."

He was right, but I couldn't tell him that I knew him and that I was scared he'd break her heart. I couldn't tell him that seeing them together gave me a wrong vibe. I couldn't tell him I felt like I'd be the one who'd have to mend the pieces of her heart after he breaks it. So I just shrugged and raised my eyebrows.

"I've always been protective of her."

"That's very close to being possessive. You should know that."

I grimaced at his accusation but swallowed a bitter remark.

"Well that's over." I just explained. "I promise this won't happen again. By the way, it's dinner. I think Louis bought food on his way back."

When I walked down the hall, I heard some whispers and everyone was sitting at the table when I entered the kitchen. It was so obvious that they all had been listening that I suddenly felt nauseous. I took a seat as everyone started taking food from the bags Louis had placed on the table. He had decided on chinese and it made me take a mental note to hit the gym as soon as this crazy weekend would be over. I realized a bit too late that I was sitting next to Maya but I decided to not overthink it.

I tried not to stare when Liv and Harry entered the room too but noticed Louis sending them a smirk. They both sat next to each other but on the other side of the table and I bit my tongue hard enough to make sure I didn't make any comment about it. Was I annoyed that my best friend wasn't sitting by my side? Yes. But after the tantrum I had just thrown, I knew I should lay really fucking low.

We all started eating but for some reason, I didn't feel like talking with anyone. I didn't add anything or even laugh when Louis made a few comments about Liv and Harry spending the whole day alone together in the house. I focused on eating what was in my plate quickly and when I was done, I brought my dishes to the counter and got out of the room, letting myself fall on one of the couches with a loud sigh.

I only had a few minutes of alone time when I realized Maya had joined me, taking a seat next to me but not close enough to touch me. I looked up at her and blinked a few times as she sent me a sorry look.

"We sort of heard." she confessed, nibbling her bottom lip as my gaze dropped to my lap.

"Yea, I sort of guessed."

"I know you just want us to be friends but I want you to know that, if you need me, I'm always here."

I felt defeated and I didn't know why. I felt a lot of things these days that I just didn't understand. Olivia and I had talked, and we both made it clear that we would never leave each other. Then why did I still feel like shit? Why did I feel like a truck had ran over my heart until it stopped beating? Why the FUCK did I feel like I had lost?

"I don't know what I want anymore, Maya." I sighed, closing my eyes and passing one of my hands in my hair.

"What does that mean?"

I stayed motionless for a few seconds and finally opened my eyes, sighing again. I shrugged and looked up before diving my gaze into hers. She was gorgeous and kind. Smart and sexy. She was literally everything i've always dreamed of.

"It means i'm not making promises, but I guess we could try. We could go on a date, maybe?"

I saw surprise light up her face and her lips parted, making me chuckle sadly. I was not sure I was doing the right thing but at this point, I was not sure of anything. Perhaps, finding myself someone to be with would make all of this easier. Maybe I wouldn't be so angry anymore when I'd see Harry with my best friend.

"If you're still interested, of course."

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