#please thisll be fun i promise

[sparklingdemon]

take care!! i really hope we can figure out how to start this thing up.. ive been trying to finally go and read thru the whole thing to get a grasp of the full image of the story thus far so i can better puzzle thru it but its taking me a while 😭 hell hyperfixating on it def rubbed off on me hshfsjgz they kept bouncing their theories offa me

either way, im excited for whatever it'll be! but also more than willing to wait. updating blogs daily in any capacity gets really taxing (i keep having to learn that the hard way.. it was always insane to me seeing how often monochrome updated at times), so please take as much time as you need- ik it'll be more than worth the wait!! its kinda scary to know thisll be a big event but it makes it more exciting :O

and of course, best of luck!!

thank you starry!! i appreciate you taking the time to go back and reread everything! speaking from experience, it's a LOT of posts to go through, so feel free to chip away at your own pace. i hope that with everything fresh in your mind, it'll make the upcoming parts hit even harder for you. glad to hear you and hell both have been having fun with it though! i love hearing you guys' thoughts on it <3

i'm excited too! this plot point has been TWO YEARS in the making, so it's crazy to think it's fast approaching. i wanna make sure it's the best reading experience it can be, so i promise to work as hard as i can to get it ready as soon as possible! i know it'll be worth the wait. thank you!!

[lokigodofaces]

Marvel Pride

So, I plan on doing this myself, and I thought I'd let others see it so they could do it too if they so choose (you should tag me if you do it because it would be fun to see other people's responses). If you really want me to tag you in these for some reason, let me know! So here's what I'm gonna do every day of the month!

1: What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what is your gender and pronouns? This is a fun way to start because this can be connected to other questions! If you aren't comfortable answering this, please don't! As a back up question, what are your plans for pride this year?

2: Who are your favorite canon queer characters? Not many are confirmed in the MCU, and those that are aren't confirmed in the movies, but the comics have plenty of queer people!

3: Which characters do you headcanon as queer?

4: Who are your favorite queer characters? Confirmed? Headcanoned?

5: What line(s) have special meaning to you because of your queerness?

6: What are your favorite ships with at least one queer or headcanoned queer character? Not necessarily a "homosexual" relationship because bi/pan/omni/ply/ace/aro/abro/trans people can be in a straight passing relationship but they are still queer, and I want to be inclusive of those ships.

7: If you ship any queerplatonic relationships, what are they?

8: Which character that you headcanon is queer do you want Marvel to confirm the most?

9: Do you have romantic/sexual/queerplatonic/etc crushes on any of the characters? If so, who? Bonus question to honor Loki's release: if you headcanon Loki as queer, what sexuality/romanticism/gender do you specifically headcanon him as? Or did, if he is confirmed queer this first episode (I doubt it, but you never know).

10: Were any of the Marvel characters your sexual awakening? Who?

11: What is a queer headcanon you don't actually headcanon but would be funny?

12: Do you have any fun ways of celebrating pride that relate to Marvel? What are they? Show us pictures if you'd like!

13: What storylines/arcs do you relate to because of your queerness?

14: Do you ever feel like you project your sexuality on a character and question if you actually headcanon it or are just desperate for representation? If so, who? And, well, you might be projecting, but there's nothing wrong with that. Go ahead, make your favorite character the same as you. No one's gonna stop you! Have fun!

15: Has there ever been a character(s) that you adored for a long time, and then you realized you were queer, and you realized that was why you liked that character so much? If so, which character(s)?

16: What do you think the characters that are confirmed queer or you interpret as queer would do for pride?

17: If you could come out to any Marvel character, who would you come out to?

18: Lots of characters wear colorful things! Put some Marvel characters together to make some pride flags for yourself! You can either show us fanart, copy and paste pictures/gifs of them in that order, or just tell us the order and the costume.

19: Which Marvel character would be the best cishet ally?

20: If there were a group chat of all the queer Marvel characters (including those you headcanon as queer), who would constantly spam with quality queer memes?

21: Which characters do you think would come out and be overtly queer, and which ones do you think would be more shy about it or stay entirely in the closet?

22: What is the biggest pet peeve you have in relation to the Marvel fandom(s) and the LGBTQ+ community? (Things like being annoyed by fetishization of queers or complete denial of queerness or heteronormativity or allonormativity or a compulsion to make things romantic or discrimination you've face, stuff like that).

23: If Marvel were to confirm a character as queer, what would be your biggest fear? Your biggest hope?

24: Who is your comfort character(s) in regards to queerness?

25: What sort of pride apparel do you think the characters would wear/have, if any?

26: If you were scared because you were in an area hostile to queers, which character would you want to be at your side to wreck anyone that dared touch you?

27: What harmless stereotypes do the queer characters fall into? Things like wearing flannels or sitting oddly, that sort of stuff.

28: Do you have any queer jokes relating to Marvel? If so, please share.

29: Do something artistic in relation to Marvel and the LGBTQ+ community. Drawing, painting, ceramics, jewelry, calligraphy, photo editing, music, whatever you'd like! Share with us what you did!

30: Did you have a good, fun, safe pride month? Did you enjoy this fun little thing? As for Marvel, what sort of representation would you like to see someday? And, if Loki does end up being confirmed as queer by now, what did you think?

I hope anyone that does this has fun! If you are interested in seeing what I do with this, I will be titling all of mine "Michelle, Marvel, and Pride." And I can tag you if you so desire. But tag me if you want to do this if that's alright with you, I'd love to see other people's thoughts. And if any queerphobes take this as an opportunity to spread hate, you will be blocked.

Link to my posts.

[onceuponaroast]

Let me tell you guys a secret about art: the best kind of art you can make is bad art.

This is for a few reasons. Firstly, allowing yourself to make bad art frees you from the 'it has to be Perfect' loop where you get too overwhelmed to finish. Done and imperfect will ALWAYS be better than trying to fix every last flaw. Art will never be 'perfect,' embrace that.

Second, allowing yourself to make bad art opens up so many new mediums and techniques! It's so easy to say "oh I wish I could try pastels but I don't know how" and give up before even trying! Let yourself try new mediums and mess up along the way, you may discover a new favorite.

Lastly, the more bad art you make the more good art you'll make. Let me explain: more art=more practice. Whether it's good or not, an acrylic painting is an acrylic painting. You may even go nuts and discover a really cool technique you never would have thought of otherwise. Practice is practice is practice. You could create a masterpiece completely accidentally, with a fraction of the stress you get when you're worrying over every detail

Please let yourself make bad art. Remember, no one can make perfect art every single time, and trying to force yourself to will only hinder your progress. Save yourself the stress and just make

[fr1d4y-wr1t1ng]

Petting Pros <3

MY FIRST EXCLUSIVELY FEM S/O. I'm a little rusty on the fem but hey! Thisll be fun guys, I promise!!

Request: yepper <3

Genre: Romantic Headcanons.

CW: Foul language maybe? Idk not much that I can think of honestly.

Character in Post: Tord.

Description: Being Tord’s girlfriend was a challenge, especially since you could never catch him getting red-faced! That was until you discovered one trick you had up your sleeve.

The first time you decided to try petting Tord was during a time you were learning how to make something.

He was attempting to teach you the basics of making said machine, how put everything together, etc.

But he was interrupted you you started to pet him, like a damn cat.

It honestly felt... nice. But he was frankly embarrassed so he quickly told you to get out as he messed with his hair.

Once you figured out that petting was a tool you could use against him. Oh boy. It would end up becoming your favorite weapon.

It didn't matter what he was doing, you'd pet him when you could.

Which would end up in Tord becoming red-faced and blushy.

“Y/n! Kjæreste, don't do that.” “And what if I wanna huh?” “I love you, but please.”

You only figured out he actually loved it during movie night with the rest of the boys, you two were curled up. Tord ended up in your lap while you silently held him.

He ended up putting his face in your uh... breasts and smiled when you started to pet him. He rubbed his cheek against you and looked up at you after you did it.

“More... please.” He’d mumble to you, and when you kept going you swore you'd hear him purr.

At the end of the night, he'd thank you. Whispering how much he loved you and how much he appreciated you and all you did, no matter how much the other guys judged him.

He loved it. Though he'd like to say he doesn't, he loves when you pet him. It's soothing, much to your surprise.

It can become a new calming weapon if you play your cards right.

[katreal-fic]

Day 5 — for #fictober 10/05/19

Prompt: “I might just kiss you.”

Fandom: Homestuck

Warnings: Cursing, 2nd Person POV

Part of a series. Please start from the beginning!

Characters: Dirk Strider & Roxy Lalonde 

First | Previous | Next

x-x-x

Dirk > Get Over It

You don’t get over it. But, you’ve had years of the intrusions to learn to live with it. You pick yourself after time and the sea breeze allow the most persistent of the whispers to fade back into your brain. You don’t know how to stop it. You don’t think you can. Maybe it’s just in the universes’ cards that you’ll never be able to escape the insufferable and unignorable presence of your selves. Splintered, doomed, it’s a big old party full of the one person you hate the most. 

You’re on the computer this time, digging into some of the less physical aspects of your work for CrockerCorp. Coding wasn’t your favorite thing, but aside from Roxy and ARq, you were probably one of the better around, and as far as you know, neither of them were helping Jane out on a consulting basis. You ignore the humming in the back of your mind, the phantom disconnect bubbling out from some deep inner core that leaves you watching your hands performing their tasks and yet--not under your control at all. An observer. Weightless, formless, trapped in a world of numbers and words with only a single view to the world beyond.

Only that isn’t right, you could take the stairs to the roof and go wherever the fuck you wanted to. Maybe you’re trapped, but it’s your own damn choice.

That’s the most unnerving of the loose threads, you think, because you know exactly who is leaking through there and at least he has more of a right to inflict this shit on you than any of the others. 

It keeps leaking. Mixing. You wonder if one day you’ll stop noticing and cataloging and just accept it all as your lot in life. Maybe even use it.

You send off the finished product--even with clumsy as hell organic interfacing tools, you work more efficiently at this sort of task when your auto-responder rises to the surface--and scroll through your inbox for another one. 

One stands out from amongst the mixture of spam emails that somehow keep getting around your ever more sophisticated filter (you suspect ARquiusprite to be behind it, but have no proof) and the more mundane business communication you maintain with CrockerCorp’s research division. You used to go straight through Jane but...as the company expanded it became more efficient to just work directly with the developers since Jane wasn’t very plugged in to that particular aspect for the business. It unnerves you a little, thinking of the small bakery she opened to take back her family name from the Batterwitch, only for the business to balloon into such a multi-industry giant, filling many vital services in this world and only rivaled in scale by Jake’s revival of SkaiaNet. 

But you suppose that’s the responsibility of a god, taking the world in hand and guiding it. Benevolent patrons, looking down from on high, shaping the course of history and society into the best form it could be. Someone’s got to recreate the internet (the world’d better thank you and Roxy and ARquiusprite for that) and you weren’t willing to wait around for it to happen organically. Shit needed to get done, and sometimes, the eight of you were the ones who needed to do it. 

The rogue email stands out with it’s bright pink text and typo filled subject line. Why would Roxy send you an email? Why didn’t she just hit you up on Pesterchum or--

A thought and you have the window open in the corner of your display, fighting, and failing to resist the urge to press your palms into your face when you notice the little red dot next to Do Not Disturb. A little further digging and you turn up some unread notifications that never got sent due to the privacy settings.

Of fucking course. Of course you’d automatically flip it to DND when in one of your spirals and not even realize it. You remedy that mistake, but instead of scrolling back through Roxy’s messages--there’s also a meme sent your way from Dave, accompanied by an ironic selfie of him and Karkat from, Jesus Christ that was a month ago--you turn back to the email in your inbox. This would be the newest one, given the time stamp, which was only an hour ago.

There’s a picture attached, a night shot of New City, near where Roxy and Calliope set up. Roxy’s got the whole selfie thing going, smiling and radiant for the camera, pink eyes sparkling with mischief as she framed the background shot just perfectly.

There’s an orange and green streak across the cityscape, the tall buildings in the distant background, their lit windows shining like a million stars from across the bay. Calliope has her green-suited arms wrapped tightly around their neck, highlighted by feathered wings obviously hitting the end of their orange end of the gradient and starting down the green path. Despite the obvious speed (you can tell from the way Davepeta’s currently green coat is caught mid-whip behind them) the picture is perfectly clear and focused, as if you are looking through a window into an image frozen in time. 

Damn she’s good.

wishin’ u were here di-stri. i heard u got out a little. maybe u shuld do it again. liek maybe come out my way next tiem?? ;) we have fun.

You chew on the inside of your lip, studying the picture. The frozen mixture of delight and mild terror on Calliope’s face. The mischief on Roxy’s. You can’t see Davepeta’s even if you zoom in, what with the ever present glow beneath their skin and the glasses currently matching the same orange of their wings. You bet they are having a blast though. How did they manage to talk Calliope into that? You didn’t talk to the cherub much on your own, but you were under the impression she was a skittish thing.

Your hand moves on its own, triggering the sylladex withdrawal on reflex. The feather hums quietly in your hand. It’s fading. The colors duller. Moving slower. But it’s there and it’s a comfort and…

Maybe you should.

You open Pesterchum back up.

TT begins pestering TG

TT: Sorry Ro-Lal, I was buried in work. TT: If you’re free I could probably head out your way tomorrow. I’m at a lull in my projects.

You aren’t, really, but as you’ve been so clearly reminded by the peanut gallery, none of this shit actually matters. And…

You miss Roxy. If you turn down this invitation…

Well, they already stopped coming once, and you let them. 

You don’t expect an answer immediately; the carapacian kingdom was a few timezones ahead of your ocean bound kingdom. It’s well into dinner time and you bet she’s a little busy with her guests and being the most kickass hostess of all time. 

You barely pull up another project and start studying the design specifications before the window on your shades spring open, searing excited bright pink across your eyeballs.

TG: omg dirk really??? this is going to be awesome!!! Callie and i promised to take ARq and peta out for more shenanignss but oh my gawd thisll be soo much fun! Itll be liek old times! Ull have to keep me updatedf on ur ETA TG: gawd i havent seen you in so long i might just kiss u TG: plonk a big one rite smack dab on each cheek TT: Don’t make me reconsider now, Rox. TT: You know how I feel about smooches, advanced warning or not these cheeks are off limits without applying for a permit. It’s private real estate. TG: nu’uh buster no take backsies!!! U accepted the invitation u gotta put up with the potential of that ill be so overcome with joy at seeing ur face that there’ll be a shower of friendly smooches TG: see u tomorrow <3 TT: Tomorrow, it is Roxy.

You talk a bit more, but Roxy soon excuses herself to do the hosting thing, and you’re left wondering what you’d gotten yourself into.

You’d forgotten Davepeta was traveling with ARquius.

Trapped. Trapped and it’s your own damn fault.

There’s no way you’ll let Roxy down after all that though.

You’ll just have to deal with it when you get there.

First | Previous | Next

[whiteorchid-whitedragon]

so i know im about a day late but i wanted to say happy new year and a special thank you to everyone who helped make 2018 a good year. ill name a few people here, but this is an in general thank you (i know i dont get on bya a whole lot but ive been busy with work and my licht whos part of isola). thisll get long, but im not putting it under a read more. oh well. yall get to see my gay ass in its entirety.

first, to my husband. hes always supported me making more muses (much to hazy’s dismay), helped me get through drama, and even introduced me to one of the friendliest fandoms ever- the touken ranbu fandom.

I kinda lost track of you and i dont know what blogs are yours, but the izaya I first interacted with, a special thanks to you! I miss rping with you and your muses were all really good! you helped me feel comfortable rping a non homestuck muse and although im not sure you realize it, helped me not give up on tumblr rping.

@kindredconfectionery you indulge my impulse muses and we always have fun. ive had fun with our bya and dirk plot, and youve just in general been a great friend since i met you. ily man. i dont thank you enough and i worry about that. i want you to know how much you mean to me.

@agamemnoncrying the best muku. we dont talk a whole lot cause youre busy but your muku is like, the best ever??? talking about bya and muku to someone who completely understands what i mean is amazing!! it makes me so happy! im so glad i got to meet you and that we rp and are friends. i love you!

@betrayou im tagging your isola sho-chan so youll see this but!! im so glad i met you!! bya and sho’s relationship is fun to talk about, and youve been a great friend and fun to talk to. i really cant put into words how much i love you or how grateful  i am to know you.

@lightning-will-bovino i think you were the first khr blog i interacted with?? for that, im grateful. you also interacted with some of my other muses, and im thankful for that oo

@isoscelesnightmare best bill mun. when i saw you on my dash i got super excited, and im so glad we can feel comfortable enough to talk regularly. you worry about your writing or your this and that, but youre fine, i promise. people will love what you write.

@fulminearcobaleno we’ve rped some, but i love having more people to talk to about khr things. its such a small fandom, that honestly i didnt think id run into anyone. and rping bya, i didnt think id get many more interactions other than “oh my god its bya youre so annoying bya youre so evil just by existing you make my life hell god please die”. but we were able to talk, and plot, and i enjoy our current thread (which ill reply to when bya wakes up from his fuckin nap. stupid rich bitch could at least take me with him when he went on vacation) i love your verde already and youre such a delight to talk to.

@queenharumiura THE QUEEN. i love hearing about haru and us planning the dessert duo interactions. im glad bya has a relatively mundane friend in haru, and someone mostly unaffiliated with the mafia he can be comfortable around. and youre so easy to talk to! 

theres more people i could mention, but this already got pretty long. ^^;; anyway happy new year and i love you guys. i cant tell you guys how grateful  i am to have gotten to rp a different muse and meet all of you people. im looking forward to things settling down a bit more now that the holidays are over and being able to get back to rping bya!

[marshmallowgoop]

Can I have a link to your posts gushing over the kill la kill dvd cover with Ryuko and Senketsu on it as well as your favorite ryuketsu posts please and thank you so much ryuketsu+gamako 4ever otps

I’ve actually written a few final-cover-gushing posts ^^;

Gushing

Sketches to Final, More

Final Cover Design: Life Fiber Synchronization Hug?

Sushio’s Drafted Final Cover Design 

As for favorite Ryuketsu posts… that’s super difficult! There is so much good content out there; the archive on my other blog is really a treasure trove for fabulous work!

But I can try to pick out some faves! (These might not necessarily be Ryuketsu exactly, but they are all wonderful Ryuko and Senketsu pieces.)

If I’ve linked to your work here and you would not like to be on this list, please let me know and I’ll remove you immediately!

For favorite fanart pieces:

http://art-of-zirio.tumblr.com/post/77437562345/ryuko-hey-now-whats-with-that-face-i by @art-of-zirio

A really good human!Senketsu with amazing expression work.

http://bechnokid.tumblr.com/post/75424699297 by @bechnokid​

I love the style of this, and it’s also 110% in character.

http://laminated-potato.tumblr.com/post/78911508364/spoilers-from-episode-21-here-i-am-again-with by @laminated-potato​

Absolutely stellar comic-book style rendition of that bit right after Ryuko tears off Junketsu in episode 21 (which, imo, is one of the sweetest and most loving moments in the entire show).

https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/mossmallow-art/80650423246 by @mossmallow​

A real cute piece of Senketsu as a party dress.

https://superdiduper.tumblr.com/post/89334412507/rrrrr by superdiduper

Really sweet pic of Ryuko and a wonderful humanoid Senketsu.

http://mochafish.tumblr.com/post/94258350363/unfinished-klk-comic-that-i-did-right-after-the by mochafish

A short post-series comic that is super heartbreaking and well done.

http://ayuseiart.tumblr.com/post/102786062721/always-in-my-dreams-senketsu-x-ryuko-matoi by @ayuseiart​

One of the absolute cutest Ryuko and Senketsu pieces I’ve ever seen.

http://maliadoodles.tumblr.com/post/104315794432/this-anime-is-my-life-3-please-do-not-use-my by @maliadoodles

A real fun human!Senketsu, with some neat fashion for both him and Ryuko.

http://the-chokey.tumblr.com/post/92722492452/a-month-of-procrastinating-makes-me-appreciate by @the-chokey

Okay, so @the-chokey and @murasakidoku made this fantastic Kill la Kill AU back in the earlier days of the fandom, and the work put into it is phenomenal. This is just one piece of animation from the AU, where Ryuko and Senketsu kiss to synchronize (and I totally lost it when I first saw it). Incredible stuff!

http://fuckyeahryuketsu.tumblr.com/post/104611687073/godrobe-freshblood-actually-i-like-this by godrobe-freshblood

Godrobe-freshblood has since deleted and left Tumblr, but she’s done so much good work for this pair that definitely still deserves acknowledgment. This piece is a particularly heartbreaking one of Senketsu’s last moments.

http://theneonflower.tumblr.com/post/117521303222/a-promise-or-a-proposal-ill-wait-till-the-end by @theneonflower

@theneonflower has so much good Ryuketsu stuff! This piece is one of my faves; I just dig that Red String of Fate symbolism.

http://starcre8tor.tumblr.com/post/79730415930/kill-la-kill-sketch-request-dump-click-on-theby @starcre8tor

@starcre8tor‘s Kill la Kill stuff is so good! I love this top piece here of Ryuko signing “I love you” to Senketsu, and Senketsu’s adorable reaction.

http://fuckyeahryuketsu.tumblr.com/post/137453814400/secretmusician23-doodle-of-wedding-ryuko-3 by secretmusician23

Secretmusician23 has also since deleted and left Tumblr, but their work still definitely deserves acknowledgment. This piece is so evocative and beautiful (and I love it because it’s a wedding-dress Ryuko pic that doesn’t forget about and erase Senketsu!)

http://badlydrawnaikuro.tumblr.com/post/141973226943 by @badlydrawnaikuro

Senketsu and Ryuko and Loss. Need I say more? (It’s not supposed to mess me up like this!!!)

https://choco-maize.tumblr.com/post/141665868143/i-forgot-how-to-draw-side-view-bodies-frick-yknow by @choco-maize​

Pictures of Ryuko and Senketsu hugging always get to me, and this one is no exception. Wonderful expression work and and colors.

http://fedorarapture.tumblr.com/post/168223415460/ryuketsu-fanart-in-2017-yeah-why-not by @fedorarapture​

The style and coloring on this Ryuko and Senketsu hug pic is fantastic.

http://liqdra.tumblr.com/post/119813763533/3 by liqdra

Intimate, sweet, and beautifully detailed, this piece is breathtakingly gorgeous (note though that it might veer a bit into the nsfw side).

http://scribbly-z-raid.tumblr.com/post/71391583161/i-need-more-protective-senketsu-in-canon-trigger by @scribbly-z-raid

A Good comic that I wish would have happened in canon!

http://wife-fiber-matoi.tumblr.com/post/126200276503/phew-okay-thisll-be-the-beggining-of-a-ryuketsu by @wife-fiber-matoi

A lovely start to a post-series story that tugs on the heartstrings with just a few panels.

http://ggup23.tumblr.com/post/116046347022/mmhmm by ggup23

A super cute piece with such a good, in-character human!Senketsu.

http://bakemeats.tumblr.com/post/137063667214/also-here-are-some-sketches-sorry-world by @bakemeats

These sketches are adorable and in a really good style, and the humanoid Senketsu design is also fantastic.

https://sleepwalker-j.tumblr.com/post/164228736683 by @sleepwalker-j​

I just love the colors and atmosphere of this Ryuko and human!Senketsu pic.

http://lovelettertofiction.tumblr.com/post/160102065197/in-german-carrying-and-wearing-are-the-same-words by @lovelettertofiction

A sweet pic with a Good humanoid Senketsu design.

http://lenandbonten.tumblr.com/post/128926389304/my-sis-and-i-finished-watching-kill-la-kill-a-few by @lenandbonten

Super sweet, traditional art piece with a great use of color. Back when Erica Mendez, Ryuko’s English VA, had a Tumblr (tsunderica), she reblogged this one, so you know it’s good!

For favorite official art/animator fanart pieces:

Akira Amemiya’s “Senketsu’s Date with Ryuko” (of course), and Mago’s art of the date, too

The final DVD/Blu-ray cover art, and the draft, by Sushio (also of course)

This piece of Ryuko smiling sweetly at Senketsu by Sachiko Yajima, from the Kill la Kill Starter Book

Sushio’s absolutely intense image of Ryuko after she tears off Junketsu (this is still one of the most loving and sweet moments on the show!)

Sushio’s illustration of Senketsu crying, which unfortunately didn’t make it into LOVE LOVE KLKL, but is still really cute

Sushio’s Scarfketsu turns, here and here

This old design of synchronized Senketsu (the far right on the fifth picture down), where Senketsu literally holds Ryuko

Mago’s super cute Blu-ray/DVD side art for the final volume, featuring Senketsu waving goodbye and Ryuko/Senketsu waving goodbye in Senketsu-Kisaragi

Ryo Akizuki’s (the artist for the official Kill la Kill manga) early drawings of Ryuko and Senketsu’s interactions

Senketsu as a fancy red dress (while Ryuko has extra red in her hair, implying that they synced to form the dress, aw!) and as a bikini, done by manga artist Ryo Akizuki

This key frame from episode 9 (“That positive outlook of yours is what I love about you, Senketsu!”)

For favorite GIFs/Graphics/Edits:

http://fuckyeahryuketsu.tumblr.com/post/82639712231/konohananosakuya-hime-senketsu-and-ryukos by konohananosakuya-hime

Konohananosakuya-hime has since deleted and left Tumblr, but this edit definitely deserves a look. It’s a beautiful collage of Ryuko and Senketsu’s growing bond.

http://lycanrockruff.tumblr.com/post/81015761133/life-fiber-synchronise-senketsu-kisaragi by @lycanrockruff​

A super impressive GIF of Ryuko in Senketsu-Kisaragi.

https://fairytailwitch.tumblr.com/post/78811710462/kill-la-kill-episode-21-incomplete-i-have-to by @fairytailwitch

A really good, effective edit of that moment after Ryuko rips off Junketsu. (Have I mentioned yet that this is one of the sweetest and most loving moments of the show?)

http://softchoi.tumblr.com/post/107253257299/ryuko-loves-this-uniform-more-than-anything by @softchoi​​

This GIFset wonderfully emphasizes how protective Ryuko is over Senketsu. My heart.

http://asofterhonnouji.tumblr.com/post/119558607766/1064-my-body-is-a-temple-and-theres-another by @asofterhonnouji​

This edit is so ouch.

For favorite fanfiction, here’s a list I’ve made before:

For general, in-series fics focused on Senketsu and Ryuko:

pulse by Noa (nothingbutcinders)

This is a short one, but oh so very sweet. It focuses on Senketsu’s love for Ryuko’s heartbeat.

Things to Remember by @felflowne​​

Ryuko and Senketsu being awkward about friendship. A cute story about dorky teens being dorky teens.  

For A Crack, Some Plaster by plumeri4

A fic that explores Senketsu’s introduction some more. It’s a touchy subject, but something that definitely feels missing in the actual show.

For post-series:

Forever Sailor Fuku by @miracle-interrupter-heno​

A funny and cute story that takes place after the series and doesn’t make Senketsu a humanoid. While that’s all good and fine, it’s nice to see fics like these, too.

AUs:

Vibrations by @murasakidoku​

A really sweet story. Ryuko is deaf, but she can hear Senketsu’s voice, and can hear what he hears when they synchronize.

Senketsu Goes to School by @carrinth​

While not a fic exactly, this comic is a hilarious and adorable high school AU with Senketsu as the main character.

And I don’t know where exactly to put this, but:

Dragon Blood by @inkblood-mistrieu​

Really beautiful and poetic short piece with allusions to the Tanabata story.

Also, all of these authors have more stories and content about Senketsu and Ryuko. So if you like any of these, there’s more where that came from!

And I don’t know if you were looking for my favorite Ryuketsu posts that I’ve done, too, but I’ll self-plug, lol:

This long edit of my favorite Ryuko and Senketsu moments

This edit using a quote from Ami Koshimizu, Ryuko’s Japanese VA

This edit that makes the show material look like a video game, using one of the sweetest moments from the series (Senketsu loving Ryuko’s heartbeat)

This fanart which is like, the only thing I’ve drawn in the last fifty years

This fic which is honestly one of my favorites I’ve ever written for Kill la Kill (even if I’ve gotten the impression from others that it’s one of my weakest ^^;)

This meta about Ryuko and Senketsu’s communication

This post about how Ryuko and Senketsu are a Good Ship, Y’all (and the Spongebob one, too)

This meta post about why they’re good

Also, searching “Ryuketsu” on Twitter gives you a bunch of unrelated content and ship hate, so I’d recommend trying 鮮流 (Senryu) to find some good material there! The same goes for Pixiv!

I’m just scratching the surface here, but I hope this is a good starting list!

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.