#please ssssstand by

[thatbanditqueen]

@ your last ask HE IS SO BIG AND LARGE AND THICK AND HANDSOME I WANT HIM TO CRUSH ME 😭

He's comin' for ya darlin'

i would also like for him to crush me. To feel his weight pressing me into the ground. Into him. Merging. The force of him pounding into--------- nsfjkskhs

[curlyjoe7]

The Mystery Snek Fic

There once was a noodle, a very spooky noodle, spells and potions galore! Poof here and poof there, they had no time to bore. Their name was Shinpi, the mystery snek, a snek witch, the protector of the night. They are never seen but always there, keeping you safe in the dark hours, hidden in plain sight. You may have heard the lore but trust me when I say they are no myth, often seen with the grim reaper and her soul vanishing scythe. Don’t be afraid they never bite, with a hiss and swoosh there is eerie music though they don’t mean no fright.

Eerrie music begins to play.

“WAIT WAIT WAIT” there is a voice coming from nowhere it seems.

What is this? The music suddenly stops and with a pop out comes mist straight out the record player.

“I’m no mist” the voice goes again. “I’m the mystery ssssnek here to make my appearance at convenient timing.” Ah yes of course, I always forget you are a mist. You think I would be used to the sound of your voice by now.

“I would hope sso” the mystery snek said, “but allow me to introduce myself since the reader doesn’t know me like you do.” I think they do, I just spent a whole paragraph talking about you. “Yeah you right” they said. I know I am. “Nonetheless it is rude to not introduce yoursssself,” with that the snekky mist stood up tall on their tail and cleared their throat “DIDN’T I JUST TELL YOU I AM NO MIST?!” they screamed. Right right, sorry sorry. “Well anyway” they said with a wiggle to their slither “my name is Shinpi, protector of the night.” they bowed with that. “And you?” they asked but to who? “Obviously the reader!” they exclaimed. Oh Shinpi what a silly little snek, so courageous, brave and polite. You certainly have excellent manners but you do know they can’t respond? They suddenly seemed embarrassed, “yes I do just forgot.” “When you’re as old as I am your memory is not quite what it used to be.” I bet so.

“Aren’t you going to introduce yourself?” they asked. Who me? Nonsense! I am simply just the narrator, anything else would be just preposterous. They rolled into a ball and began to laugh “You can only make that joke sssso many times before it’s not funny anymore.” “Just tell them your name.” I don’t have one and I don’t make jokes. “Yes you do.” they said. No I don’t. “Yes you do.” No I don’t. “Yesss you do” they said followed by that tongue thing. Oh fine alright. My name is Preposterous, the teller of story, I narrate everything. “Basically he’s the dude you don’t ever notice” they said with a snekky smile. I hate you. “I know.”

Well anyways onto the part that is going to help progress the story without any real meaning. Have you seen Grim? “No I haven’t, not today” they said “though she’s probably off banishing souls to the underworld.” Probably. Though doesn’t she have a date tonight with Penelope? “YESSSSSS!!!” they screamed “ah my memory is really nothing but a bowl of porridge.” “If you already knew why do you even assssk?” I wasn’t sure it was actually happening this time or she chickened out again by hiding in the bathtub until their car left the driveway. “Fair.” We should check on her. “I mean yeah probably” they started “have to make ssssssure sshe issssn’t more dead than ssshe already is.” Indeed, now hop on and we’ll be off.

Shinpi hopped onto the air for I am nothing yet I am something only few can actually see. I change appearance to everyone who can see me so they all see me differently. “I see a giant teacup.” You have got to be kidding me. “Would you rather be an empty box of condomssss?” they asked. What? No! No thank you! “That’s what I thought” they said cockily “now move along Earl Grey and by the way you, who issss reading!” they waved at seemingly nothing. “Don’t be fooled by hiss false truths, I am NOT and NEVER HAVE BEEN cocky” they said defensively “nor will I EVER BE and I’m not defenssssive.” Sure you’re not. Misty. They huffed and did that tongue thing again. “It’s called flicking my tongue bitch” they said. “Ya ever heard of Go-“ Yes I have heard of Google, let’s just please get on with this. “No one was stopping you.” To think a snek witch needs help from a lousy narrator.

Poof poof to a Chinese buffet

“Oh my god, you’re ssso cringy” Shinpi said. It’s the magic words, I didn’t make them. “I despise who ever did.” Yes I know. We have bigger problems though now, were in the hell is Grim? “I wouldn’t know this infrared is kinda limiting sometimes” they said. That’s fair.

Suddenly there’s a scream, a shrilling, high pitch call of a young female. “Why you gotta say it like that?”

“HE-Y-ALP!”

My goodness, it’s Penelope Pitstop! “Why, who else did you expect?” she asked. “Wait, hold up,” Shinpi began. Yes? “She can hear you too?” they asked. “Of course” she exclaimed. “Thiss story is getting reeeeally weeeiird.” That’s not important, what is important is knowing exactly why did you scream Miss. Penelope? “Oh,” she began “I was painting my nails and I spilt the polish on my skirt.” Ah I see. That is quite a problem. Shinpi rolled their eyes, “look I’ll be honest Pen I don’t care about your nail polish, I just want to know where in thissss realm is Grim?” they asked.

“Really? I’m right here guys”

Shinpi slithered around to see a crepuscular figure standing behind them. “You think I’m crepuscular, Preposterous?” Grim asked blushing. I do in fact. “Aw shucks” Grim said “you’re always so nice to me!” You deserve it, cleaning up souls all the time is a hard job especially after that… thing.

“Hellooo?” Penelope said hastily. “Oh I’m sorry Penny” Grim apologized “actually in fact with their arrival this is good timing.” “Good timing for what?” Penelope asked. There was a silence and then Grim and Shinpi turn to look at me as if waiting for something. What? Did you expect me to answer? “No ssshit Sherlock” Shinpi said “you’re the reason she has to sssssssay something to Pen Pen in the first place.” Sherlock? Grim sighed, “Penelope, I’m sorry but you’re just not the one for me.” She then grabbed my hands, looking into my eyes deeply with her own, lifeless sockets. Umm… Grim? “Preposterous,” she began “these sockets see you as a human.” “I see you and love you just like any other love between the living.” Grim said with tears in her sockets. “They’re not tears I’m just sweating through my sockets” “Sssure” Shinpi said sarcastically.

I, I don’t know what to say. “You say you love her back” Shinpi said “you’ve narratored every story to ever exist, you should know what to ssssay.” You’re right. I guess I’m just overwhelmed because, I love you too Grim and I am happy to accompany you to a date. “Well I have a booth right here and there is certainly enough lo mein” said Grim. She always says lo in such a unique way, sounds like cow with an L. I love that about you. “Thank you” Grim said flustered. “Oh barf” said a disgusted snek. “I have a name.” Yes but this is more entertaining, adds fluff to the story. “But isn’t the ssssstory ending sssoon?” asked Shinpi “why does there need to be more fluff now?” That’s just how the story works and yes, it will be very soon. “Who cares we have a bunch of Chinese food to eat.” Uh Shinpi? This is a date, you know, between Grim and I?  “Oh it’s fine I don’t mind” Grim said “you can eat with us Shin.” “YAY” yelled Shinpi. Okay then, suppose I have no choice in this matter.

“You can stay if you want as well Penny” said Grim. “That would be delightful” she said. I guess this isn’t really much of a date anymore is it? It’s fine, it’ll still be fun as long as Shinpi doesn’t eat all the orange chicken… again. “That was one time!” they shouted. It has happened 86 times Snekky. “I ssssstand by it was only once.” Right 86 times, one time, same thing.

The mystery snek did a poof poof with a vial of…. something and was suddenly in the booth

I thought you found poof poof cringy? “It’s growing on me.” I’m delighted it has, Misty. “I’m going to ignore that and btw the vial issss filled with the tears of wolves.” “Now let’s cheers to the end of the story and the beginning of a wonderfully weird relationship between death and a voice in your head” Shinpi said to a raise of a beer glass wrapped by their tail “by the way I have a night to protect tonight so I might have to leave early and thiss glasssss is ssssslipping” Grim grabbed the glass before it fell in her cold hands “Don’t worry we understand Shin” said Grim “and stop flirting so much Preposterous!” “I can’t handle it!” Indeed we do, you’re a snek witch after all and you’ll get used to it, Grim. “You know what this reminds me of?” Penelope asked. No, not really. “Picture it Sicily, 1924…” And with that the story was to an end. “That’s a shitty ending” Shinpi claimed. It is the ending the writer gave so it is the ending we have. “She should have done a better one.”

She did the best she could now if I may: I declare this THE END.

“That’s really menacing.” Oh for heaven’s sake Shinpi, just shut up! The story is over! “Yesss it is,” they said “the end.” Sigh. I swear they are a good snek once you get to know them.

[plugrick]

Okay. Rick. Okay.

“Ohthankglob.” The old mans’ words came out in a heavy sigh of relief as Mike gave into their captors’ demands, voice hoarse from being choked up by emotion. It felt like a thousand pound weight lifted off his chest, like he could finally breathe again! “Th-thank glob, Mike... Ohhh... I-I thought y-y-you were gonna go b-bers... b... *hic*...”

Rick slid his hand from its’ place on his partners’ wrist and into his claw, intertwining their digits and hanging on like he was afraid to ever let go. He’d been SO sure he was about to lose Mike in a hail of gunfire, and, and—!

“Mmm, mn...!” Even if he had tried, the human couldn’t have held back the whimper that escaped him when the assassin pressed the two of them forehead to forehead and nuzzled in, a gesture which was reciprocated eagerly. Oh, and Mike just stole his heart every time those wiggly lips did so much as briefly brush against his own; It always left him starry-eyed and mindblown. It told him that everything would be okay.

It told him that his Mike was back... Whoever that monster had been with the bloodthirst in its’ eyes was gone...

For now, anyway. His baby was here, and safe, for now. “Oh, M-Mmmichael...”

“Cowardice.” Flannax was, to put it lightly, unhappy with his soldiers’ foolish decision to take orders from some human to stand down. That was a Commanders’ order, one reserved for gromflomites in HIS league of expertise! He despised the things’ influence on his little love, how it had warped him into some sort of lowlife pacifist. Wasn’t Krombopulos ashamed of himself?! “Lying down without so much as a FIGHT!”

“Yeah? And what about you, ~Commander~?” The guard mockingly inquired, sights shifting over to the old salt. There were many, many lower tier personnel that would like nothing more than to get some revenge for his treatment towards them. “Are you going to try to fight us? Because my bet is against you, and that would make this go a whoooole lot quicker.”

“You are all INSOLENT. You disgrace the Federations’ NAME!” Archibalds snarled, jaws clacking and claws curling, wishing for nothing more than to mangle flesh. To TEAR it beneath his hand!

Nevertheless... Charging headfirst like a thoughtless bull into enemy fire alone was a sure way to pointlessly riddle his chitin with holes, an injury that would surely cause him to deviate from his objective. He... He would elect to take on these bastards at a more convenient time. When he wasn’t at the risk of being shot like a fish in a barrel. When he convinced Krombopulos to sway back to his side... One way or another.

“Rrrrrrgh... I too sss.” It was hard for the bitter old ex-Commander to physically say the words. He had to force them past clenched teeth. “Ssssstand down.”

“Good choice,” the ringleader harrumphed, quite pleased with how streamlined this plan was going. “Now, break it up, lovebirds. Hit those showers and smile pretty for the camera, chop-chop. We don’t have forever. At least, you don’t!”

“D-d-don’t push it,” Rick grumbled sourly, clinging tighter to Mike as if to remind him to stay in line as they limped their way to the showers, exactly as they had been told.

——

Even if there were nothing more than a couple of thin plastic walls separating the two of them from the rest of this awful prison and its’ inhabitants, a moment of peace was a moment of peace, and they had to appreciate it. The running water did sort of help to calm on-edge nerves... But not nearly enough.

Rick couldn’t seem to relax. He stood under the warm water, shivering from head to toe despite the steam filling up their stall. Maybe it was the mental and physical exhaustion, maybe it was the dozens of white squares littering his arms from wrist to shoulder, but he didn’t even have the strength to run soap through his dirty hair. Hell, he hardly managed the fortitude to stand upright and support Mike by the hips. Who gave a damn about being squeaky clean when they were on death row? After all, they were staring a mysterious misfortune in the face, anxiously awaiting whatever those guards had in store for them... It tied his stomach into knots!

“I... I...” The human timidly struggled to begin, unsure of where to start. It wasn’t as if they had the luxury of time on their side, but where was he supposed to even begin? “... I-I know w-we... We don’t have long alone t-together... I-I dunno what th-they’re planning, but... B-but...”

This was overwhelming. It was terrifying. And Rick didn’t know what to do.

“You r-r-really scared me back there, Mike!” In more ways than one. It had shaken the man up, seeing someone he knew so well turn into someone he couldn’t recognize. “W-when you grabbed me... It just... A-and then y-you almost snapped on th-those jerks! Th-they could’ve killed you!”

And they would have! They would have if he hadn’t done something! If Mike had let that bad side of his slip out, it would have ended in disaster!

“That berserker thing... It... It won’t happen again, right?” The human met ruby eyes with searching blues, brow furrowing in concern. His gut feeling told him that he wasn’t going to like the truthful answer.

“Baby, just - just tell me y-you’ll be you.” He begged, gazing up at Mike with a mixture of fear and worry and love. “I-I just need to hear it. Th-that you’ll be o-okay.”

“HURRY IT UP, INMATES!”

“W-WE’RE HAVING A-AAA MOMENT!” Rick shouted a retort, then turned his attentions back to what was really important. He reached out and put a hand on the gromflomites’ cheek, cupping it sweetly and running a thumb below an eye. Exactly as the assassin often did for him. “C’mon, Mike...”

(Plugrick) ❝ do you believe in soul mates? ❞

@plugrick

“…….I think it’s a nice idea. Why?”