#please send help im going through a phase of struggling to talk to anyone

[neilperryismine]

sometimes I can yap all day and other times I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack if I try to form a coherent thought let alone actually speak to someone

[stairstothe7th]

So tempted to walk across this classroom and rip his throat out, then kiss the hottie sitting 2 seats away...... Be honest, guys, should I do it...

[stairstothe7th]

Me when I pull a my year of rest and relaxation

naps aren't enough, i need to sleep for eternity

[mcu-fan-fics-blog]

The Helping Hand

Summary: Y/N Krast Illegitimate Daughter of Tony Stark. Product of an unwanted teen pregnancy. What would Howard Stark be capable of doing to assure his sons future? What will happen when Tony meets our Beautiful, young, genius, rich philanthropist.

Word Count: 3800 approx 

A/n: Big steps today... Hope you enjoy. Also wanted to thank you all we've reached 39 followers. It is very much appreciated thank you for reading. Might post again this this week if not then next week.

Tw: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Drug use, Drug addiction, Teen Pregnancy. (If there are any I missed please tell me.)

Ch.9

Chapter 10: Civil War pt.2

Ch.11

"Why am I really here mom?" You ask still with your eyes closed. "Why don't you tell me… I know you don't want to go back." She says calmly. You can only sigh. "It's all going to hell, the team. I love them all, but they are tearing each other apart." She chuckles. You open your eyes and just look at her. "Well then why are you here with me instead of stopping them from tearing each other apart?" She teases. You change the subject. She lets you though. "My… dad? Did you love him?" You are not sure if you wanted the answer, but you asked anyway.. "Did I love him… tough question monkey." She contemplates for a while. "He was childish, and not in a cute way, at least not looking back… I used to love that about him." She looks back at you, her eyes connecting with yours. "He changed though… when we found out I was pregnant. We were scared and young… but he cared. More than I'd ever seen him care for anything else."

You can't help but tear up at her memories. Then the anger builds in yourself. "Then why didn't he fight for me?" Your sentence dwindles into a whisper. "Who told you he didn't… or that he hasn't?" Her words shut you up right away. She laughs at your confusion. "I'm assuming you're not telling me who he is?" She nods in agreement "It's not my place to tell you." Then again you ask another question. "Did he love me?" She looks down to you and smiles. "Oh… from the moment he first held you. You made the most peculiar sounds… and your tiny hands would grip our fingers" She sighs. "I wish I had more time with you then. I tried really hard… to stay awake." She clears her throat. "But I couldn't fight anymore… But you have to." You sit up looking at her. "I don't want to leave you alone." She shakes her head. "I'm never alone…" now it's your turn to shake your head. "Living your life vicariously through mine does not count." She laughs. 

"I met Dave and Vivian" she mentions solemnly. You almost choke on your own breath at their mention. "They're here?" She nods enthusiastically. "They'll hear about this… one day you'll talk to them again." You groan. "Tell Dave… tell him that I'm sorry. Viv tell her that I'm taking care of all her sisters… all 5 of them." You chuckle. "Just tell them that I miss them…" She nods holding your hand. "God… you were supposed to make it easier to leave, not harder."

Tony sits at your bedside. "Why aren't you waking up?" He sighs. They've tried virtually everything and time was running out. "You can't leave me… you can't just waltz back into my life and die on me." He pleads with anyone who would listen. "You need to know that I'm your dad… you need to know that I'm your dad." He speaks into your hand. Your eyes wide open now. Having heard everything you instinctively pull your hand away. Soon you realize you can't breathe comfortably. It was an all around traumatic experience, tears soon started falling. Tony's initial shock prevents him from vocalizing your state. It isn't until Wanda walks in that she calls for a doctor. Tony stands in a corner watching you struggle with the doctors.

Soon the tubes are no longer preventing you from vocalizing your thoughts; you take advantage rather quickly. "Leave" is all you can say with your voice hoarse and devoid of any emotion. The only thing giving you away were the tears. "Y/n you need to hear me out…" you interrupt him. "I don't need to do anything… LEAVE." You grit out wincing in pain as the words leave your throat. Soon your vitals begin to increase at any alarming rate. Doctor's burst in again, ushering Tony out and sedating you. As soon as he walks out he is met by everyone's expectant gaze. "What happened?" Steve is the first one to speak up. "She found out… more like I told her right as she was waking up." Tony rubs his temples.

When you wake up someone is in the room you can tell. It's almost like you can feel them, without even opening your eyes you call out her name. "Nat?" You hear her walk towards you. You clear your throat. "He's- he's…" is all that comes out and she nods but doesn't say anything. That's when it all clicks. She wasn't looking at you… she was quiet, you only needed to look at her posture and you knew. You laugh. "You knew… didn't you?" Her eyes widened in surprise giving her away, except that it wasn't just her. "Oh… god you're all liars. You all played me. Im so stupid." Your laugh continues; it was cynical with tears rolling down your cheeks. "You're all hypocrites… You sit on your pedestal and preach trust and honesty…" You don't finish the sentiment. Sitting up and pulling at all the wires attached to your body. She reaches out for your hands but as soon as her hands land on your, you recoil at her touch. "Stay the hell away from me Natasha!"

You walk out the room leaving her behind using the wall to help you walk. You made it out to the waiting room and it just broke your heart even more. Their eyes on you, the pity radiating off them. Pietro can't even meet your gaze, much less Wanda. Steve took a cautious step forward, and when you didn’t step back he continued. As soon as he reached you he embraced you, everything came crashing down. The truth would have never hurt so much, and you still didn't know the whole story. You take this opportunity and ask Steve to take you to your room. He did as you asked the whole way there was silent until you made it to your room and he closed the door. “Y/n I’m so sorry…” you cut him off. “No you aren't.”  you mutter quietly. It takes him by surprise and you take advantage of it. “You need to find him… you need to leave before you don't have the chance to anymore.” He can help but ask why. “Why are you helping me?” You turn to him, your eyes filled with unspoken words. “Because I care for all of you too much to stand by and watch you destroy each other. Leave now!” 

“I need to take Wanda and Pietro.” He states and you nod. “I’ll send Clint for them later.” You can't help but to turn in awe of his statement. “Steve you can’t… you can't do that to his family.” You see the guilt in his eyes. “Tony has the government on his side.” Is all he says before he turns and walks toward the door. “Take care Y/n''. Before you know it you’re alone again with nothing, but your thoughts. Soon enough Vision comes phasing through a wall. “I thought you and Wanda talked about this.” You joke wiping your tears away. “Yes, well I thought you might appreciate the company.” He motions to your bed and you nod. He takes the liberty and sits down. “Y/n, I can't lie and tell you that I know what you feel. I comprehend many things, but emotions are the one thing I can't quite figure out.” He states matter of factly. “You played a crucial part in making me whatever it is I am, but what I'm meant to be is what you would say up in the air.” He mentions moving his hands.

“Vision you’re a highly intelligent being with access to all the knowledge you could ever need. I was a kid… a sick kid. His kid.” You state quietly. “I met my mom.” you speak up again. He looks at you trying to decipher what you meant. Your hands motion to your head. “Vision I think that I’m going crazy.” The words barely a whisper as they leave your mouth. “Y/n there are many things that we can't explain… You said this helped you in Vienna. Maybe it’s best not to question it now.” His eyes search for yours, and you nod. “We’ll be a pair of unexplainable beings.” you laugh lightly. Tony not so graciously bursts in as you're about to say something, Vision stands and nods at your direction, you let him go and Tony walks in. “I know that you're angry, and disappointed, and that you probably hate me… but I don't want you to hate me.” 

“Yes, well you should’ve thought about that before you casually forgot to mention that You were my father for half a year. And that's assuming you just found out Tony. When did you find out?” He’s quiet at your question, which in turn answers your question. “How long did you know… how long did they all know?” You look at him shift in his place trying to regain himself, so you let him. “Not long after Sokovia… And I-i had my suspicions before that actually.” He states standing straight and looking into your eyes for any sign of emotions. “The team didn't find out until you had your first episode.” You could tell that he didn't want you to hate them too… Little did he know that that wasn't an option because you cared for them too much. “Is Maya Hansen my mother?” You ask taking him by surprise. “I-I um yeah she was your mother.” He says scratching at the back of his neck. 

“Right, well I’ll be staying here for the time being. If that's okay with you of course.” Staying gave him hope and you knew that. Now you were lying to him using it as a weakness, all to help Steve. “Yeah, Of Course I can set you up with a more permanent living situation.” He says the excitement dripping in every word. You can only nod. “Hey.” You say as he’s about to walk out. He turns to face you. “She’s okay… and she doesn't hate you.” At first he didn't understand what you meant until he remembered what you said after your first episode. Right as he was about to say something you cut him off. “And for that matter… I don't hate you either.” You state quietly. “I’m hurt… I just need a little time.” He nods the light back in his eyes. “Can you tell the twins that I want to talk to them?” He nods and finally walks out of the room. 

Although your words were true you couldn't help but feel guilty. Lying was something that you were not fond of, but neither Steve nor him will take a step back and think about what's best. If someone didn't step in they would kill each other… and whoever it is that comes out on top will never be the same. You couldn't let that happen so if that meant tearing them apart before they got the chance to kill themselves it’s a sacrifice you were willing to make. Then you heard a faint knock on your door and you knew who it was. “Come in it’s open” You say loud enough for them to hear. They walk in and they are a mess just spewing out words out of their mouths… and Pietro seems to be speed apologizing and you can't help but laugh. “We’re not talking about that right now you two… so you can stop doing that.” You say flatly looking at Pietro whose words were now actually comprehensible. “I’m assuming that neither of you have changed your minds on the accords?” You ask, raising your brows. Pietro nods in agreement, but Wanda's silence and lack of reaction are somehow louder.

“Wanda you want to share with the group?” You say confused giving Pietro a look and he just shrugs. “Wanda, you know that we cant sign those papers right.” Pietro asks. She shakes her head . “I’ve hurt people Pietro, maybe this is for the best.” You scoff. “Everyone in this compound has hurt people… Including me.” You turn to Pietro. “She has day two tops before Steve comes for you.” You say emphasizing the ‘you’ at the end. “I just don't want you to feel like you don't have an option, but Wanda you have no Idea what you're signing up for if you sign the accords” She nods. “That's what I wanted to tell you.” You nod and Pietro gives you a small smile. “Why are you doing this Y/n going against your father.” Hearing her say that sparks something within you guilt, anger, sadness. “Because neither of them are going to win, they are too blind to see that we’ve already lost what we value most... Each other.” Both twins are surprised by your honesty. “I’m just trying to preserve what's left.” She nods. “You signed the accords.” She mentions sadly. You nod, taking her hand in yours. “I don't have superhuman abilities, that can be used for bad.” Now you take Pietro's hand as well. “I will do my best to keep you safe. Tony might be my father, but he’s wrong. Take care of each other.”

“This sounds an awful lot like a goodbye.” Pietro quips sadly, you nod. “That's because it might be for a while. We have to keep this charade going till Clint comes for you both. Vision won't let you go without a fight.” You say. “To our luck we have something on your side.” You say smiling pointing at your chest. “I’m going to miss you both.” You smile and pull them both into a hug. They walk out. It's not long after that you hear steps outside your door but they never come in. So you sleep it off. Days passed and you haven't heard from Steve and you were starting to worry. 

Then you walk into a busy bustling conference center Tony looks stressed. He looks up at you and he seems to take a breath. “Y/n are you okay?” He asks worriedly. “Some pain here and there, but I don't think it’s anything serious.” You state. “Where are you going and would you mind if I came?” You asked, he sets his phone down and gives you a look. “You um… You would like to come with me?” You take a seat next to him. “They captured Barnes and Rogers… along with his ragtag friend Wilson. We’re going to Berlin. Pack a bag we leave in 30.” You nod. “Where's Pepper I haven't seen her around?” He nods. “Well, um we’re taking a break. I told her I would walk away from all of this, but I can’t. This is me, not to say it's her fault it’s not.” You nod and give his hand an assuring squeeze. “She loves you, just let her know you love her too.” You say as you walk away.

The flight to Germany was rough… not only were you still tired from the surgery, but it was tense. Natasha and Tony were walking on eggshells around each other. And it seems that she is keeping her distance from you. You try to relax and sleep a little but much like your flight to New York nightmares plagued your subconscious. When you wake up you don't miss the looks that Tony and Natasha give each other. Then you remembered your mothers words, you closed your eyes again and tried to relax completely just when you were about to give up and you heard her voice. “This is where you use the gift that I gave you a while ago, look for the perfect opportunity.” Then it happens again  "Zhelanie, rzhavyy, Semndtsat', Rassvet, Pech', Devgat', Dobro Serdechny, Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu, Odin', Gruzovoy Vagon." Those words. Followed by “Now is the time.” When you wake up Tony is now sitting next to you holding your hand. He goes to apologize, but you stop him and thank him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. 

After the plane landing Tony explains that he wants to talk to Steve alone you agree and take a step back. You follow Natasha to an empty surveillance room. “I want to apologize for the way I reacted when I found out.” You say when you sit down. “It was not fair for me to take out all of my anger on you.” You continue and you can tell that you fazed her, she was expecting the worst case scenario with you. So it’s not an understatement when she says that she was speechless. “I understand if you don't want to forgive me, or If you need time…” This is the part you weren't expecting. She lunges towards you and kisses you, her lips on yours and you freeze at the feeling. She pulls away hastily turning her back on you. You don't hesitate this time you pull on her arm back to where she was standing... and kiss her back this time your lips moving in perfect synchrony. It would be an understatement if you said that the kiss was quite literally magical. 

“I’ve been waiting a long time to do that.” You confess your forehead resting on hers. "And why didn't you?" She asks teasingly. "Well I was kind of waiting for that second date. I kinda have a rule." You say chuckling. In this moment you couldn't have been more happy. And there it is again that voice. "Natasha, Something is very wrong." Quite literally mirroring the incident in Vienna. When suddenly sirens are going off all around you. Your eyes meet Natasha's gaze… afraid of her reaction. "You have to tell me how you do that." She quipped making you laugh. Then you see The world renowned Winter Soldier in attack mode. Nat leaves you in the room going to fight the assassin that is endangering your lives. Almost as if it were instinct you hack into the intercom system and repeat the words that were seared into your memories. "Zhelanie, rzhavyy, Semndtsat', Rassvet, Pech', Devgat', Dobro Serdechny, Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu, Odin', Gruzovoy Vagon." You don't even have time to understand how it came out in perfect tongue. "Soldati."

 You watch him loosen his hold on Natasha. The breath you've been holding is finally being let out. You see him mouth the phrase. "Ya gotov otvechat" Suddenly Steve and Sam are there and then the rest is a blur. You feel your eyes roll back and the muffled sounds of steps running frantically. When you wake up her eyes greet you, she was worried you could tell. Your eyes wonder her figure, and then her neck. The marks of his hands taking their toll on her. “Are you okay? What happened back there” She asks. “Sorry…” All you can mumble out your eyes pinned on the marks on her neck. She seemed to notice. She took your face in her hands forcing your eyes to meet hers. “It’s okay I’m okay” Is all she needs to say and you nod, leaning forward, and placing a chaste kiss on her cheek. “I should’ve done something sooner.” Finally taking a look around you don't quite realize where you are. Nat seems to notice. “We’re at the compound… My room.” She mentions shyly. “How long have I been out?” She sighs. “A while, a couple of hours.”  You nod apprehensively. “What happened after I blacked out?” You ask trying to remember what occurred in those hours.   

“Well after your little speech on the intercom… he shut down. Whispered something along the line of ‘Ready to Comply’ then Steve and Sam took him from there.” You nod in relief visibly relaxing. Nat gives you a look. “I know what you’re thinking and it's not like that.” You state standing up. “My head tells me things… my mom tells me things. And I know that sounds fucking cynical but I'm telling you its true.” Nat tenses again her rigid exterior on again. “You said that last time.” She states bluntly. You nod slightly hurt at the fact that she doesn’t believe you. “Last I recall it also saved you last time.” She sighs but ultimately nods. “What side are you on? Because I’m having trouble believing that you are on my side.” She asks cautiously “That's because I didn't take a side Natasha, you knew how I felt about the accords from the beginning.” She’s quiet and you continue. “I’m trying to keep everyone from drowning” you take a deep breath. “I’m a pacifist Nat, and I don't want to fight with you… or anyone for that matter.”

 She nods “Y/n, I have to go, can I trust you to make sure nothing goes wrong here.” You smirk at that. “D’you want me to lie to you?” You can see the amused look in her eyes. “No, we wouldn't want that now would we?” You shake your head in denial. “Well, in that case…” She cuts you off with another kiss. “We’re okay… regardless of what happens outside of that door. We can come back to each other right?” The last part was more a silent plea… to which you happily gave in. “I’ll be waiting for you.” She smiles genuinely and it’s truly a sight to behold, you feel  honored to be the reason that she's smiling. “I’ll see you later then.” She states as she walks out of the room and you nod. As Steve had mentioned Clint showed up later that night. You didn’t have much to do with that by the time you’d made it down stairs. They were long gone. You could almost say the same for Vision, there was something about him now. “Are you okay?” Is the first thing that comes out your mouth. “Do you have reasons to suggest otherwise?” You shake your head. “I take it they left.”

 When you finally left the compound… It felt great. Stepping away for just a minute was just what you needed. Unfortunately for you It wasn't long till you were dragged back in. It couldn’t have been three hours by when there was a knock at your door. The person standing on the other side did surprise you however. Pepper, it was her but something was different… She seemed sad. “Pepper, It’s nice to see you, what do you need?” You say while opening your door and moving to let her pass. “You need to help them…” It's all she says and you understand. “I’m trying Pepper, but they are too stubborn for their own good.” She nods. “How is he?” You take a deep breath. “He’s going stir crazy, but he's otherwise fine.” You state. “He does miss you.” She shifts her gaze, not completely comfortable. “He’s going to need you… I’ve had to do things that will hurt him. It’s going to hurt more when he finds out his daughter was working against him.” Now this made her look back at you, concern in her eyes. “He-he told you?” You nod and squeeze her hand. “I know where they are at...” It’s all that Pepper blurts out.  

[deadlymodern]

hello! I've recently read your story and it's so good! but I have a question for you lol which you don't have to answer this at all! up to you :) so recently I've been questioning my sexuality and I was just wondering like how does one know if they're bi or not?? like I've been wondering and wondering and idk how to like actually find out if im bi or not without being with a woman or something?? idk im not good at saying how im feeling but thank you, have a good day!

long reply ahead, I'm sorry ifogjdfiojgod

Hey there! Thank you for the sweet comment and I hope you're having a great day! 🥰

I'm so very flattered that you felt comfortable enough to come to me with this question. And I'd like to say, first and foremost, that you are a very brave person just for acknowledging that you might not be straight. Takes bravery to look at our sexuality and question it! Society tries to push heterosexuality onto people so hard that it can be absolutely terrifying to even imagine not being what they tell us to be.

I will tell you two things I wish people had told me back when I was lying in fetal position inside of the closet: 1) You do NOT have to label yourself right now (or ever, really) and 2) You do NOT have to have experiences to identify as anything.

You are questioning yourself. Wonderful! That's the first step to figuring yourself out! Now, don't go chasing a definite answer right away. It comes naturally to some people, but not to others. The biggest advice I'll tell you is to let yourself be free to experience whatever sensations you may feel. Explore them and explore yourself!

Since you mentioned women... Allow yourself to explore your feelings towards them. Watch WLW shows and films, see how you feel about that. Pay attention to your body language, your thoughts in general. Do you imagine yourself being in a serious relationship with a woman? If you are sexually active or intend to be in the future, can you imagine yourself having sexual relations with women? You don't have to have all the answers to these, but allow yourself to ask them. Just be open!

Something that really was helpful to me when I was coming out: watch some LGBT+ youtubers, see what they have to say! You think you might be bi? Watch some bisexual youtubers' coming out stories! Watch all coming out stories! Bi and lesbian women actually have a lot in common, but it just might be a bit harder to understand oneself as a bisexual because, if you feel just as much or even more attraction to the opposite gender, you might believe you are straight your whole life! See how you feel about their stories. Do you relate to them? Do you share certain insecurities with them?

Also: HAVE. LGBT+. FRIENDS. If you have IRL LGBT+ people in your life, confide in them. Maybe comment that you might be wondering about yourself and have a conversation about their own trajectory. They don't even have to be your friend! Maybe if your school has an LGBT+ activism club or if you know someone who isn't straight and seems friendly, try approaching them! If not, you can talk to online friends too! And, maybe if you know someone who truly is an ally and would not judge you, talk to them about it. TALK ABOUT IT and try to have a support system, people you can rely on. This is so important.

I will tell you a little secret: you don't have to have any romantic experience with the same gender to identify as bi/pan. You don't! It is not mandatory. Just as a person can identify as gay without ever having kissed someone of the same gender. So do not put that pressure on yourself. Please, don't feel like you have to kiss a girl to KNOW or to be valid. YOU DON'T. If you have the opportunity to experience it in a safe environment, then by all means, allow yourself to do so and see how you feel. But that's not what will "qualify" you as bi. It'll be just an experience that will be added to your self discovery. Labels are important and can be very very empowering. But you are still valid if you don't have one yet!

Now... I know a woman who was in a 10 years long serious relationship with a man and, by year 8, she realized she was bi. I know a woman who came out as a lesbian at age 30 when she had spent her whole entire life saying she was straight. I know people who are in very serious and wonderful relationships with people of the same gender but don't label themselves because, at the end of the day, the love they feel for that person is what matters. And even I... I have been getting involved with girls since I was 12 and I could only actually come to terms with my sexuality at age 19. "It's just for fun" and "I'm only practicing" were my mottos lmao. So there are no rules. Do you. It's hard, it can be confusing and scary. But you'll find an answer eventually, I promise.

Until then, please be free. Do whatever you feel like doing. Surround yourself with people that will put you up and be supportive. If you are able to, go to therapy. It's such a wonderful way to learn about yourself and your own struggles. Love yourself as much as you can, however you can, and never let anyone put you down ever. Especially not when you're questioning. If someone comes with a "it's just a phase" bs send them to me and I'll smack them real good.

I am so so so sorry for the long reply, but this subject is very dear to me and I just wanted you to feel comforted. Please, know that what you are going through is very normal and you are perfect the way you are.

I wish you all the good luck and positivity in the whole world! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[goosegoblin]

should i let my university know about my history of anorexia before i relapse for good, or is that 'oversharing'? i also don't want it to seem like i'm lying about it for scholarship $ or sth, which some professionals have accused me of (common for woc, ime). & how do i avoid relapsing when i'm far away from my safety group (not much $ for therapy)? what's the difference between healthy hunger + restrictive eating? thank you so much in advance 💕 (2/2)

Hi, love! I’m going to pop my answers below a read more because I wrote a lot, haha. Unfortunately I did not get 1/2 of this, so please do re-send if you think I’m missing important details.

i also don't want it to seem like i'm lying about it for scholarship $ or sth, which some professionals have accused me of (common for woc, ime). 

 I am.... genuinely fucking outraged that anybody would dare imply that about you. What the sweet jesus hella fuck? That’s gotta be an example of privilege if I’ve ever seen one, because I’m a lily-white ex-anorexic and I never had anyone say anything remotely that shitty to me. God fucking damn. Thank you for bringing that to my attention so I can spread the word and help people fight against it. God, is there even an anorexia scholarship/ money associated with it? That doesn’t even sound right. Christ.

should i let my university know about my history of anorexia before i relapse for good, or is that 'oversharing'?

You should definitely let your university know. Most universities are now aware enough about mental health to have systems in place to support students, but they can only do that if you tell them you’re struggling.

 Does your uni have a disabilities/ special needs department? Often they also work with mental health issues, which people aren’t normally aware of. You could also see if you have a counselling department, or even talk to your head of course or a tutor or a lecturer you trust. I promise you: you won’t be the first, or the last, or the only. If your uni is half-decent, there should be procedures in place.

The big question, I suppose, is what would you like out of the university support? It’s okay if you don’t know. Some things I’ve been offered/ had include deadline extensions, mitigating circumstances (basically a note next to a grade that says ‘was struggling with external issues at this time; please take this into consideration when marking’), time off of university to focus on recovery, counselling with the university counselling service, referrals through the university medical centre to eating disorder clinics, physical monitoring at the university medical centre, 1:1s with tutors/ course heads to check I was doing okay...

)& how do i avoid relapsing when i'm far away from my safety group (not much $ for therapy)?

That’s really tough. I’ll suggest/ mention a few things, and I’m sorry if some are out of reach or inappropriate- hopefully one or two will be able to help.

contact eating disorder support helplines for advice and support

join online support forums or groups- make sure you find one that focuses on recovery and, ideally, is tightly moderated

stay in contact with people from your old life. Phone them, skype them, write to them, meet them if possible.

consider asking a friend to help hold you accountable. This can be tricky, because you don’t want to end up in a codependent situation, but sometimes getting someone to ask ‘did you eat lunch today?’ can help you stay on track

if you’re weighing yourself, please try and get rid of your scales. if you’re calorie counting, please try and stop. do not enable these destructive behaviours. ‘i’ll just weigh myself once a week’ quickly escalates. i’ve met a lot of people who claimed they were counting calories to ‘ensure they ate enough’, but i’ve met very few who truly used it for that purpose.

if you are on MFP or a similar calorie counting site, delete it. even if you aren’t ready to drop calorie counting, drop the website. please.

try and find hobbies or interests that aren’t linked to eating or exercise. taking up writing and fandom helped me find a sense of self i had completely lost in my ED, and gave me something to build back up on. you are a person outside of your ED: what type of person are you? what do you like? what do you want? i really can’t stress this one enough.

make a list of reasons why you want to recover. re-read it regularly.

read accounts from people who have fully recovered. see how happy they are. see how much better life is. use this to motivate you.

throw out any old ‘thin’ clothes. buy larger ones if necessary. if you have a dress hanging around that you know you won’t fit if you gain a few pounds, donate that dress. it isn’t helping you.

develop a routine and stick to it. in the long term, flexibility around food and eating is a vital part of recovery, but in the acute phase routine and regularity is incredibly helpful. 

look up sliding scale therapy, free/cheap online therapy and eating disorder support groups in your area. the latter are normally free to attend.

differentiate between a lapse and a relapse. a lapse is a temporary blip that you move past. a relapse is a full-blown retreat/fall back into anorexia, often at least partly intentional. you have the power to not let a lapse become a relapse. 

 what's the difference between healthy hunger + restrictive eating? thank you so much in advance 💕

Oh boy, that’s a tough one! So different people will have different stance on this, basically. Mine personally is that some degree of hunger might be expected on a weight-loss diet, but on a maintenance plan and especially for someone with a history of restrictive eating, hunger shouldn’t really be... A Thing. You should be hungry before meals and then you should eat the meal and not be hungry any more. If you’re finding that you’re hungry a lot of the time, you aren’t eating enough. 

If you’re concerned about overeating, or you struggling to differentiate between physical hunger and food obsession (been there, done that, got the t-shirt)? There are a few tips that can help. My standard was that if I wanted a snack when I knew I’d eaten enough (that is a hard thing to know! this is late-game advice!), I would drink some water, do something else and wait ten or fifteen minutes. If I still wanted it, I was hungry. If I didn’t, I’d just been bored. That’s very relevant to me as a person with ADHD and who had food obsession issues- it might not be as relevant to you.

Think of it this way: if you need to pee, you probably use the toilet, right? If you’re thirsty, you probably drink some water. Treat your hunger like you treat these urges. You’re basically a slightly more complicated Sim.

I hope this helped. Feel free to ask any follow-up questions you might have, either on anon or not. I’m really really proud of you for reaching out for advice- hang in there, my love.

xxxxx

[stairstothe7th]

I don't know why it's so hard to be happy There's times I don't feel sad but that mostly been I'm not feeling baby emotions cause I'm busy

[stairstothe7th]

Real real real

sometimes I can yap all day and other times I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack if I try to form a coherent thought let alone actually speak to someone