#please seek a therapist of some sort because this is genuinely causing a weight on you and that is u healthy

[mortalheartache]

Hey guys quick PSA I can’t believe I as an adult am making about another adult but if you have so much nonexistent beef with me that you have to DM someone who knows someone I’ve spoken to like twice about if we correspond then that’s absolutely insane and I highly recommend you seek therapy of some sort because what

Stalking my tumblr dot com hayden christensen smut page over a whole lot of nothingburger with nothingsauce and a side of nothing with fries drama is unhealthy and not good for your psyche.

The beef is so not there you can call that shit Impossible!! 😭

[ralaferin]

long winded life whining

i have been with my partner every single day for about 3 weeks with no breaks to be alone. If I am not at his place he is at mine. i am a person who recharges with alone time.

REAL, actual alone time! which i Never Have because even if im at home, I have caring responsibilities. the situation at home is also always tense because of other reasons (parents relationship shit) so it is not a restful place to be regardless.

he went home this morning in a very fragile bad mood (for very good reasons, not at me) after venting about his suicidal ideations and i said i would come over after my game even though i am absolutely desperate for some alone time. the usual Trying To Support Someone Even Though I Also Feel Like Death

i played my online VTM game (10am to like? 3pm ish?) and was so exhausted afterwards that i went to bed and napped for an hour and a half

now he’s upset with me because “you said you would come over right after” and not opening or replying to anything I said

he also has real problems with sharing me with anyone else and I haven’t been able to keep up with any of my other friends full stop for months. my therapist has emphasised how unhealthy and codependent it is and even though I agree and I feel completely fucking smothered I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

my parents had a horrible relationship and I have no fucking idea what a healthy boundary looks like or how to enforce one because the second someone is upset with me I fall immediately into people pleasing and fawning.

my only other relationship experience was a long term monogamous one where I got Jokingly put down so often it left my confidence completely shattered by the time it was over, and things came to light after it ended that made me realise the guy was actually a pretty fucking shitty person in a lot of ways that I didn’t see until later

The thing is, he genuinely treats me like a real gentleman and he’s sincerely excellent at handling my own horrific mental health. I’ve never had someone make me feel so beautiful and desired. He understands the mental load of caring for my mum and sees how crushed by it I am. He reminds me of my worth and he doesn’t put me down at all. He’s good with mum and helps me with things around the house without a single crumb of complaint. He makes me laugh and he dresses well and he actively wants to do hobbies together, never begrudgingly.

he’s genuinely a great guy and I’ve known him for like 8 years or something and he’s always been a steadfast friend

but

but.

what the fuck am I supposed to do?? i can’t be with someone who demands (in all but direct words) that i give up my friends and what few social hobbies i have to be with them. he struggles with recurring intrusive thought patterns that are probably ocd but we don’t know for sure and I can only support him so much. I’m a fucking mess myself, more than he realises, and the extra weight is crushing me.

I’ve never dated casually because I don’t even know how to and flying straight into another long term monogamous partnership also doesn’t feel good… this also started as a casual fwb situation that got more serious sort of out of my control and now I’m here. I know he can tell that some part of me I’ve been holding down is chafing and unhappy but I’ve bottled it up bc he’s suffering so fucking much at the moment and I don’t want to be a cause of it being even worse. He hasn’t said anything like “if you leave I’ll kill myself” but it really strongly feels like it, as he’s made me his sole emotional support and won’t fucking listen to me about seeking some support elsewhere ((“therapy is a racket for shaking money out of depressed people they don’t actually help you” attitude, won’t reach out to his family))

the extra psychological toll has made me start self harming again in worse ways than I used to and he encourages some pretty shitty things like my smoking a heap of weed and binge eating so I’ve also gained back all the weight I’d managed to lose and some extra too

there’s also that I can’t stop thinking about women and the recurring “am I actually bi or am I a lesbian” thoughts are back with a vengeance, and they make me feel horrible and guilty. World’s shittiest cherry on top of a big pile of turds. not that I would even be able to find out if I wasn’t already in a relationship, because I’m a fucking shut in and don’t know how to talk to people

[fairycosmos]

i need help i can’t stop thinking about killing myself like it’s happened before but i’ve never gone through with it it’s going to hurt i know it i know

i'm really sorry to hear that love :( it seems like you're having such a hard time right now. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really put a dent in ur pain, but since we're both here rn i'll do a bit of talking and if you're not feeling it you can ignore it, or you can come back to this later. maybe you want to try some grounding exercises, here / here and here before you feel capable of focusing. that's ok, take all the time you need. now, as someone who also struggles with this, i just wanted to say that i understand the intensity of the moment and how sometimes it really feels like the urge to give up is far stronger than any notion of hope the future has to offer. it is totally understandable how we get to this point when so much of life just seems to be suffering. having said that, i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me and an even better sign that you're able to recognize that these ARE just thoughts. and while they can be very powerful hurtful things, they do not exist in the tangible reality. not every idea that passes through your mind has to be believed or acted upon - all of this turmoil and self loathing, it is not factual and it is not permanent either. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so please let them pass on through, even if that takes a long time. allow it to. we've already established that this state of mind has come and gone in the past, and it will do the same again, if you give it the chance to. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is transient no matter how difficult it is to endure. that fear is your survival instinct and it's kicking in to keep you here. you deserve to be here and you deserve to thrive, no matter what your mind is telling you. it sounds like you're going through phases of intense suicidal ideation and there can be a whole host of underlying causes for this - mental illness, past trauma etc. obviously those are very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side them. almost nuturing them, so they don't overwhelm you as much. sometimes it boils down to loving yourself through it like a parent loves a child.

are you currently in touch with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to seek help as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where you're at with your thoughts lately so they can focus on treating you more intensely. if you're worried about money, there are cost-sensitive options like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. any effort, no matter how small, counts. i know the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. but it really is not the nightmare your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and worked with. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of crises like this, to become more prepared for them so they feel less earth-shattering when they do occur. talking about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be heard. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just randoms like me, who are willing to be that presence for you.

this isn't always the case but a LOT of the time, suicidal people don't want to die, they just want to stop living 'like this'. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to achieve that, i mean it. i know when you're in this state of mind, any even slightly positive statement just feels like rubbing salt into the wound. but even if you can't seriously take them on board, i hope when you're in a more grounded place you can at least consider them as valid alternatives to absolute hopelessness. you might as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to be a burden. you honestly have an inherent worth that has been with you since the day you were born. it isn't gone just because you can't see it right now. every day you fulfil your purpose by experiencing the world. you can't fathom how many lives you've touched, directly and indirectly, just by being who you are. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. there is nothing you need to prove, or give. the future is ever changing and doesn't exist yet, and you've already survived the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly prioritize yourself. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna work, it would've by now. it's ok to try something new and to attempt to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise that and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what lies your brain is feeding you, no matter how much you don't actually want to in the moment. everything is always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, they always do. you deserve to stick around to see that, and once you've made the decision to do that, you won't have to be scared anymore, not the way you are right now. i'm going to leave some links that i think might be of some service to you right now, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i believe in you so much and i really hope you are able do the right thing for your own safety. such strong emotions are not built to last. just get through today, or even the next five minutes, andthen go from there. sending so much love.

list of hotlines

coping with suicidal thoughts

coping with depression

template for creating a safety plan

so you feel like shit? (this site really helped me the other day)

[thatfilthyanimal]

I really don't want to vent here but I also don't want to overload my friends so I'm just going to do it and suck it up, fuck it.

I feel pretty fucking horrible in a very deep way and I don't know how to talk to people about it. This started up around the beginning of April and I thought it was in relation to April just being generally rough on me because of how my dad died, but it hasn't let up yet. If anything, I feel worse. Way worse.

I'm guessing I need to raise the dosage of my medication and I'm actually really heartbroken about that in a way I don't know how to describe. How am I supposed to feel if shit is so horrible I have to take the highest possible dosage I can safely take of a medication? How am I supposed to feel calling up a psychiatrist I just told two months ago my dosage was stable and I was feeling great, to tell her "ha ha ha I high key hate life and want to die again, please, raise my shit so I can hold up the illusion that I'm not a fucking lost cause a little longer?"

So... some of the only stuff I'm really comfortable touching on here is the whole transphobia at the doctors, thing. After spending most of 2020 living at doctors because of unknown stomach pain and just trying not to fucking die from something during a global pandemic I'm at a loss now. Nobody ever figured out my pain issues, I've just changed around what I eat and it seems better... Sort of? But mostly my existence in general hurts because coming out as trans to my newer doctors has been... uncomfortable. Now it feels like every time they "ma'am" me or pointedly call me "a woman" or "female" in a phone call (where I'm specifically asking for help regarding getting on testosterone) I want to claw myself out of my own skin and bury myself deep in the ground where nobody ever has to see me again.

Literally all the shit that I was terrified of that kept me from admitting to myself I was trans this entire time is fucking real and-- I'm weak, I'm fucking weak and scared and tired because I've never needed so much help with something so desperately in my life and the ONE PLACE I should be able to get help from I'm... terrified of, now. I just want to cancel all my future appointments and just never leave my house again because what is the fucking point. I'll never look right and I'll never be taken seriously and my weight is always an issue some-fucking-how regardless of the actual problem, so just. Fuck. Why leave. Why go anywhere. Why try to take care of myself anymore just. why.

I knew this would happen if I came out, I knew admitting I was trans would be a challenge of my ability to continue to love myself and... you know, I do, I do love myself, and coming out has proven that more than anything, but the cost of that almost feels like it outweighs the euphoria of being myself.

But now I'm in that weird middle-state of my body and voice not "matching" my gender and nobody taking said gender seriously and. What do I do. I'm so terrified of this happening at another doctor's office that it hurts to try to reach out. Literally the nearest doctors that might help me are an hour and a half out in Chicagoland, if not Chicago proper. And things feel so uncomfortable here where I am that I may literally need to drive that hour and a half just for basic health care, not just the hormone therapy and. Like. It hurts.

If I had figured this out sooner while I was in Champaign, there was an endocrinologist there and the city was super LGBTQIA+ friendly and I'm kicking myself for not doing something before I moved three hours away. Getting help could have been maybe a 15 minute drive in my own city instead of an hour and a half into the heart of Chicago, which, btw, I fucking hate driving in because everyone out there drives like a crazy asshole.

Idk. I'm tired and I'm scared and worn down and I don't know how to ask for help. I tried with one of my local friends but, well, their life is busy and its always "oh I forgot to ask my friend about that place here that would help you, sorry, there's been so much going on" but. It's been months now. They were the one that suggested I reach out to said people about whatever place it is, and I don't want to be rude but also... are you going to help me? Because it sounds like my sorry ass is stuck going to Chicago in a global pandemic to get T and I'm really upset about it.

Like, if my friend can't even see it as important than I guess I just have to do everything alone. Just like I've had to with BPD.

This is getting way longer than I meant, and it's not even the worst thing just. I'm feeling vulnerable and isolated as hell and I need more support than I have and I'm too scared to ask for it. And most of the people I know can't do jack or shit about it because there's really nothing they can do, so like. Why ask them. Why tell them. Idk.

I'm talking to a therapist too, have been for months, and she's nice but she's not great for trans issues. She's supportive but it's not her specialty. Because I have borderline I have to kind of choose my battles when it comes to therapists... There are therapists that handle BPD and therapists that handle trans issues but my insurance doesn't cover one that specializes in both at once in this town. And BPD is super misunderstood-- the wrong therapist may admit me for just passive suicidal ideation not realizing it's a common and (generally non-life-threatening) part of BPD that doesn't hold real threat. Getting a therapist for trans issues that doesn't know how to read the weight of my depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts and call them correctly is dangerous and... that's its own problem. I have to choose my battles here and it's really hurting me.

Like I really don't know what to do. Do I get a second therapist and risk that they may not understand BPD and may be overwhelmed and scared to work with me? God. I've never had two therapists at once and the thought is... idk. It hurts.

I just want to feel okay, and I don't. And I'm more tired and scared and feeling misunderstood than I've ever been and the idea of reaching for help is terrifying me. This feels like stuff I should only be unloading on a therapist, not my friends... my friends deserve better than that. But also I'm well aware of how my friendships will go if I start to use them to vent and seek help like this.

Idk. I wish I knew how to talk about everything that's wrong right now but I... can't. It sounds horrible and mean when I say it all and I don't want people to look at me like I'm fragile and someone to pity, but that seems to be my life and how people are going to view me. I basically exist as an example of what not to be. So. Idk. I'm tired and I want help but I'm scared to ask for it.

Past friends have taught me that if I seek help and cry to them that I'm a Problem that they need to distance from and. It hurts. There may be friends that do genuinely want me to come to them and I don't know how to try; the idea scares the shit out of me. Everyone I've ever opened up to (besides my partner) has eventually grown sick of me and I can't handle losing what support I have right now.

I need to hush cause this sounds blamey and I don't mean it that way. My life is just... highkey fucked and I'm trying to hold on and struggling about it.

I don't regret finally admitting to both myself and everyone else that I'm trans, but fuck, the weight of this level of medical rejection on top of the BPD feelings interfering with my ability to reach to friends for help just... it's so much. And I feel guilty complaining about it at all.

And every time I post something public about it I'm just giving people insight on why they should avoid me, or worse, exactly what they can do/say if they want to hurt me.

[carmelwhittle41-blog]

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[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

[fairycosmos]

But I promise I not going to harm myself right now. I just wanted help giving my valuables away, writing any letters to explain and apologize. That sort of stuff. And I can't find anywhere and since I don't even have a room if I kill myself it'll deadass leave a huge mess in my sisters apt & she already hates it when I make a slight mess. Idk I'm just trying not to be the bad guy. I know suicide isn't the answer but idk what the answer is and I'm not cut out for life. I'm just not.

hey, it’s okay. you’re not the bad guy here, seriously. it’s not your fault you’re going through this - it’s not like you can control your thoughts, it’s not like you chose to have depression. i just really really don’t want to see you throw all of this away purely because of what your perception of yourself and the world is right now. you’re still so young, and you don’t need to have everything figured out right this second. it’s okay to take this one step at a time. it’s okay to cry and to be upset and to break down sometimes. but it’s NOT okay to kill yourself. don’t even entertain the idea of it is an option, don’t give it the power to manifest itself as a tangible thing. if you keep telling yourself that you’re not cut out for life then you are going to start believing it, but the reality of it is that nobody really is. nobody knows what they’re doing, nobody is 100% happy all of the time, nobody never freaks out or loses their cool. we are all just trying our best, and that’s all you need to do. sometimes ‘your best’ will be making it out of bed, sometimes not even that. and it’s alright, whatever happens, as long as you make it through then you are doing more than enough. maybe you feel like you’re not cut out for everything, but you are entirely capable of making it through the day, and that’s genuinely all you need to ask of yourself. every moment you get through is an achievement, it’s proof that you are able to keep going. all of the hardships you’ve been through in the past were not for nothing. you didn’t handle all of that just to commit suicide in the end, i’m serious.you said you’ve been contemplating this for months, but that doesn’t mean you have to follow through with it, and it doesn’t make it a valid thing to do just because you’ve thought about it a lot. you are so much stronger than you think you are, and i know you don’t see the resilience that i see in you but it’s still there. it might take a while before you realize it, but you have to at least give yourself that chance. please, please don’t make any decisions that are based on feelings and thoughts that are not permanent. it’s not worth it. that’s what it comes down to, it’s not worth it.

i’m sorry to hear that you’ve had bad experiences with therapy. i get that it can be really off putting to ask for help and to have it thrown back in your face. but you have to know that there are other options, that there is a way around it. my friend had to try at least 3 different therapists before she found the right match, and it’s okay to do that. it’s alright to feel it out and to see what works best for you. there also many independent mental health organizations that can offer a different type of guidance/support, i’m sure you could find some in your area if you googled it. i get that it feels like a lot of effort, especially when you don’t even want to be here. but before you even think about giving up, it’s only fair that you try with everything you have in you to fight for your own life. this is clearly an extremely dark and difficult time, but you need to understand on a really deep level that it isn’t going to be this way forever. i get that it sounds like bullshit and that i sound like a broken record, i just really want you to see that you’re supposed to be here. you exist, and you have an inherent worth because of it. at the end of the day, it’s not necessarily about how many people are going to miss you (tho i can guarantee it’s a LOT more than you think it is.) your worth doesn’t come from other people and what they think of you. it’s honestly just about how MUCH it’s going to impact those that do love you and care about you, such as your sister and your mother. it doesn’t matter if you write them a note or what you leave behind in the grand scheme of things, because it’s not going to change the fact that you’ll be gone. and they’re going to be in pain for the rest of their lives over what they could’ve done to help you - so if you can’t make it easier for yourself, make it easier for them. talk to them, tell them you need help. separate your anxious/depressed thoughts from those that are rational and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective. it’s not impossible to reach out, not even close. you can do it. you can make the conscious choice to stay alive. right now, all you need to do is worry about getting to the next minute. and you’ve managed to do that so far, so i know you are capable of doing so. it’s just a question of whether or not you know it.

like i said before, i can’t sit here and recommend ways to make it easier for your family if you were to take your own life. i genuinely can’t bring myself to do that, and not just because it’s virtually impossible but because i can’t allow you to think that what you’re thinking of doing is rational or right. you know that suicide isn’t the answer, and that’s a really good sign. right now, the ‘answer’ is just looking for professional help in a way that suits you, and getting from one moment to the next. that’s all it is, love. and i know it really feels like you can’t do it. but you can, and that’s the thing. that’s why it’s going to hurt everyone if you don’t. look, your mind might be telling you over n over again to give up, but those thoughts have no weight or baring on reality unless you give them that power. unless you let them dictate you. you control what you do next. you decide where you from here, and how this plays out, and whether or not your family is going to be irreparably broken. i know this isn’t the answer you’re looking for, trust me. i’m more than aware that you’re set into this mindset, but i’m not going to give up on you even if you want to give up on yourself. there’s always a way forward, there’s always a glimmer of hope. tell your family what’s going on if you haven’t already. keep your head up, look into the options that you do have. and stop telling yourself that you’re a lost cause. you haven’t even had the chance to properly fuck up your life yet, man. i mean it. you still have so much time to do the right thing. i’m going to leave some links/resources that might help a little. check them out if you have the time. again, i’m always here if you need someone to talk to. i care, and i’ll listen. you’re not alone.

https://www.thehopeline.com/cruel-consequences-suicide

https://nobullying.com/suicide-is-not-the-answer/

https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/suicidal-thoughts

https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2014/05/14/coping-statements/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201204/fighting-suicidal-thoughts

http://imwiththeclouds.tumblr.com/post/38347319557/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide

https://psychcentral.com/lib/where-to-get-help-for-depression/

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/didnt-kill-shouldnt-either/