#please hold for like 3 seconds while i try to find that chronic illness post that's like

[b-blushes]

i am very actively practicing being neutral or positive about things (not in a toxic positivity way though, i love having learned to cry about things just for the catharsis, it's truly great to be able to feel feelings), but one thing that consistently is extremely hard to do that about is being ill 24/7. Like. gradually becoming less able to concentrate before becoming unwell to the point where it's hard to talk (type, because i'm not seeing anyone in person) to friends bc my head's swimming too much and becoming painful so fast (even this far into this post!!!!) and i can't keep a coherent trail of thought because Something Begins To Happen To My Brain. Even now i've forgotten what i'm saying but i hate keeping it to myself always so. Anyway it sucks being sick always and potentially feeling like you're getting worse and not understanding the mechanisms of your illnesses and not being able to access proper and multidisciplinary diagnosis or in-depth discussion with clinicians. I am always holding out hope that the next doctor i see will be the one who is thorough and patient and has heard of the symptoms and conditions i'm trying to talk to them about. maybe there's something that will help me some day or that even if i can't improve more than i have there's someone out there that can help me understand it and make it a bit less horrifying when i have days/weeks of worsening weakness or can't think/write/'talk' straight! big picture i'm fine and functioning and will regain the brain power to talk to my friends properly again! (I am willing into being) but there's *so many things* i want to do but just can't because i can't keep my brain on track for long enough. for months/years i've been wanting to get back into making videos but can't write/edit words/film/edit footage for relibably long enough to make a video that expresses the fleeting feelings i want to string together to actually *say something* about it other than 'i'm sick' or 'X helps me' i want to dig my teeth into things so badly but just cannot!!!!! because i'm sick and The Symptoms! Like. I'm fine it's just been hot today and i suspect i might have a condition that explains why that means i've been extra ill but yet again i can't yet find a doctor who will help with it and sometimes the only thing i can do is say 'yes it sucks to be Sick Always and to be stuck in the same place because there is no 'getting better'' Tomorrow or maybe even in a few minutes i'll be okay and excited for things again, just, this is 5 minutes of that post that's like 'actually i'm not being so brave about it aaaaaaah!', and my friends, i don't know how to speak to you about it directly because it's just so big and mostly i (like us all) are broadly fine and safe and coping and maybe it sucks to make it a public post but maybe you feel the same and it helps a little to know someone else is in it too, like it's less of a loss? big picture i am fine small picture i'm sick of being sick and while this is not a helpful for a community post in the sense of having much productive to do maybe you are also tired of being privately unwell and having it together as best you can all the time. i'm gonna go and make dinner for myself and practice caring for myself and remember all the good and improvements there have been! And i hope anyone else who's having a 'actually i'm not being so brave about it' time can also do a tiny thing to make some sort of small easing of Everything for yourself <3

[potsiespoons]

[Image description under the cut because it’s a 10-panel comic and yikes.]

My latest comic with Dysautonomia Advocacy Foundation! I had posted on my Instagram about feeling lonely, and because loneliness is a pretty common chronic illness thing, they asked if I’d tackle it in a comic. If you know somebody with a chronic illness, please don’t forget to check in with them and make sure they’re doing okay! And if you have a chronic illness, there are lots of ways to reach out to people who understand your condition! It’s always important to remember that, even if you feel lonely, you’re not alone. <3

Image description: The first panel says, “Let’s talk...Loneliness!” with a stick-figure girl--Potsie--standing beneath it. She’s holding a cassette tape and saying, “The following comic is best read while listening to this great mixtape I made!” The mixtape is titled, “Potsie’s Lonely Mix, Vol. 1″ and contains the following songs: One is the Loneliest Number, Magic Stones, So Lonely, another song called So Lonely, Piano Man (it has a line about loneliness okay), Dancing with Myself, Mr. Lonely, and Eleanor Rigby. 

The second panel says, “Loneliness is one of those things that everyone has to deal with from time to time, but those with chronic illnesses may experience loneliness much more frequently than the average, healthy human,” and has a drawing of Potsie sighing. Beside her it says, “The loneliness of the average, healthy turtle has yet to be determined, as people generally don’t think to ask a turtle how it’s doing.” There is also a sighing turtle.

The third panel says, “You won’t find loneliness listed as a symptom in official diagnoses or Google searches, but that doesn’t make it any less real or easier to deal with.” Potsie stands by and says, “Actually, the fact that it’s not really mentioned anywhere probably makes it harder to deal with...”

The fourth panel says, “Chronic illnesses are often disabling, due to pain, fatigue, and other various symptoms. Because of this, many chronic illness patients find it difficult to work or go to school--the usual places where people meet other people. It can also be hard for them to go on outings or to events with friends. It’s not because they don’t want to go, it’s because their bodies say they can’t go.” Potsie is sitting in a comfy chair with a book and says, “The heart wants what the body refuses to give...”

The fifth panel says, “This all adds up to many chronic illness patients becoming involuntary hermits.” There is a picture of a surprised Potsie in a rocking chair, next to an older dude in a rocking chair. He is smoking and holding a shotgun--and he also happens to be my high school AP Lit teacher, whose retirement goals included sitting on his porch with a shotgun, smoking stale cigarettes, and drinking generic beer while yelling at punks to get off his lawn. True story. The comic goes on to say, “And while books and Netflix are great, they’re no substitute for human interaction. Enter: Loneliness.” There is another picture of Potsie in her comfy chair with her book, but this time she is SHOCKED as another figure, named Loneliness, bursts through the door and shouts, “WHO’S READY TO WALLOW IN SELF-PITY?!”

The sixth panel says, “Those with chronic illnesses can feel especially lonely in a group of people, because their condition leads to a life that many healthy people can’t relate to, making it difficult to fit in.” Potsie is sitting with a group of people, feeling sad and uncomfortable and looking very left-out.

The seventh panel says, “People with chronic illnesses don’t want to be totally cut off from the world--we want to have friends, just like anybody else--but our physical conditions make interacting with the world difficult, and we have to navigate situations differently than our healthy peers.” Potsie stands at a sign that says, “This way!” ... “Or, uh, maybe this way...?”

The eighth panel says, “If you have a friend with a chronic illness, remember to reach out to them. Remind them that they are cared for and thought about! Invite them to easy going, accessible environments--or ask if it’s okay for you to go to them! Even a text conversation goes a long way towards cheering a person up.” Potsie is cuddled up in a blanket with her phone. She’s just gotten a text that says, “Thinking of u! Wanna chat?” and she is very happy.

The ninth panel says, “And if you have a chronic illness and feel lonely, there are things you can do, too! If you’re able to, look for chronic illness (or “spoonie”) meet-ups in your area--and if you can’t find any, consider starting one at your favorite coffee shop or local library! Getting to know your fellow chronic illness warriors is a great remedy to loneliness!” There is a drawing of Potsie sitting with a group of people, this time looking happy and engaged in the conversation. One of the others has a cane, one has an NG-tube, and one is in a wheelchair. 

The tenth panel says, “There are also a lot of online support groups, from Facebook groups to official organizations like DAF! Try to get connected with one of these communities--or even a few of them! After all, who said the friends you meet online aren’t real?” Potsie is sitting at her computer and answers the question: “Stupid people,” she says. “But we don’t listen to them, because they’re dumb. Hashtag sorry-not-sorry.”

THE END. 

[littledragonlily]

TMI: Oversharing

((Trigger warning: mentions of self harm, r@pe, abuse, drugs, alcohol, suicide, body dysmorphia, mental illness, ...um, a lot, actually, so please please think about this before reading ahead. My life's a mess tbh. Will put an * (or many, if bad bad) by the numbers of anything with potentially bad triggers just in case..)) Credit to one of my mutuals, after reading their oversharing post, I felt like writing my own might actually be cathartic for me, so thank you mutual (no name callout because they may not be comfortable with that). 1. I actually have zero idea about who I am when I'm on my own. I've felt this way for years and only recently has it been recognized/taken seriously. 2. My father and three siblings are all on the autism spectrum in varying degrees. The question hangs if I am too, I show similar signs, but I don't care enough to find out. 3. I cycle through obsessive behaviors. Collecting things, couponing, certain games; luckily it has never landed on an unhealthy addiction so far, but it scares me that it might. 4*. I have been self destructive for 7+ years. (For clarification, I'm 21 going on 22 currently.) My arm is white lines and long story short, I cannot wear shorts above my knees anytime soon, or anything less than a one-piece bathing suit to cover my torso. 5*. My arms are healed because I was relentlessly picked on by an abusive ex and my own father when I wore it on my sleeves, so to speak.. I hide it now. My dad still doesn't know I started doing it again and I plan on keeping it that way. 6****. Callout to my ex I mentioned above. Because of him, I get ptsd episodes if I'm under the water even a second too long, forbid I'm being held down even playfully. He took whatever he wanted, including my current peace of mind in relationships. I've been trying to escape the damage he caused for 5 years. 7****. Callout to friends/another ex I trusted that would not take no for an answer, especially the one that took me as I cried for him to stop. 8*. By all normative standards, I'm wickedly smart. I had the military branches beating down my door from my perfect aptitude test scores (no studying, mind you, I wing tests), and if not for mental issues stealing my motivation to try, I could've been in my top ten graduating from high school easily. However..no one wants to take a damaged "genius" so..yeah. 9. I have so so so many ideas of what I want to do with my life, but I'm viciously afraid of stepping foot outside of my not-so-comfy-but-good-enough bubble. 10*. I am professionally diagnosed with major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, and dependent personality disorder. That list may grow when I actually trust the psychiatrist enough to tell them Everything™. 11. If I don't push myself to hang out with my friends/favorite people, and it has to be because THEY want ME, I will quite literally spend all day in my bed during my time off. Even finding the motivation to clean my room and pay my bills (spoiler, I usually don't) is just..improbable. 12*. I have two, count them one-two, people that are even close to knowing Everything™ about me. (Unfortunate spoiler: they've both done things that they sometimes use against each other to make me question my faith in them.) I love them both, which causes me immense guilt because they both want to keep me Forever™ (also know to me as until they get tired of my..Me-ness.) and right now I'm just wondering how long of Forever™ I'll actually be alive for. 13. Speaking of immense guilt, hi, it's because I've hurt mentioned people both more than they admit to. I didn't mean to I'm sorry I really didn't just I just how do you not depend on someone that you were engaged to but also how do you not depend on someone that actually gets you and is your carer and you actually get along with everyone in their system and ahhhh fjdjfhdjrbd I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.. 14. Sorry, sorry.. I'm back. Kinda? Anyway.. I feel like a split person, kinda. I have different aspects of myself that handle different things and I have names for them, but I would NOT call myself a system at this point, I would just say I am compartmentalizing and personifying certain aspects of my personality. It just feels easier, yeah? I try to stick to the ones people love best (Mama(carer)-me, Lily(regressed)-me, and Belle(work)-me). My carer is the only person "acquainted" with all of Me™ by name. 15. I only always get along with one person in my house, which is my little sister, Hannah. She has a degenerative disorder and has her own special way of communicating. But as far as I can tell, I'm one of her favorite people, and that makes me super happy actually. 16. So I got derailed on number 13 because that's such a touchy subject. Mostly because I'm forced to choose between the two of them because of societal norms/their feelings/some other reasons here, and in my head and heart I'm so dependent on them both it hurts. (Lately, however, I've been more dependent on my carer.) 17****. Possible reasons I shouldn't be dependent on ex-fiancé person: Has hit me in a "black-out rage" previously (isolated, non-recurring, however I have my days of questioning would I trigger that again..), can be incredibly argumentative if my word choice is incorrect expressing my issues (bad to the point it has triggered me to self-harm), and has forced my indecisive self into making a decision in the midst of a six-hour crying/panicked episode. Also can be neglectful as a person to depend on at times, a little more self-centered than he realizes most of the time, etc. 18****. Possible reasons I shouldn't be dependent on my carer person: Lack of respect towards a previous relationship with ex-fiancé ((as in..well.. some unloyal behavior happened while I was drunk/high/sometimes sober and it actually makes me sick that I let that happen.. I disrespected my own relationship oh god I'm horrible I never wanted to be that person I didn't mean to I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..)(okay, okay, calmed down..)), one of his alters is notoriously angry/violent however has recently been more gentle with me after some talks about the fact that anger/arguments/violence/yelling trigger my anxiety badly (I'm a sensitive marshmallow puff y'all, sorry..), I WILL NOT HOLD HIS PAST AGAINST HIM but it sometimes gets in my head a little so I try to talk it out when it does, he does have a bit of dependence on Mary Jane (think green, not a lady) but I don't mind this so much because it's better than alcohol (I helped with that! I helped! Yay!), and there are some times when he doesn't word things well and it'll get to me but I don't see this being intentional honestly. 19*. My past trauma makes me hypersexual, and sometimes I'm incredibly disgusted with myself for being that way. Thankfully though, my regressed self is "too small" for those things and my carer does not fetishize my regressed self, so thankful for that. It is that that caused my initial confusion because I didn't understand that some communities were fetish.. ugh.. 20****. In the past year I have cycled through drinking, smoking, and pills as a short-term "dependence" (I put that in quotes because I feel as if it had been serious I would not have been able to step away so easily). Each one I have quit (drinking is social, and never anywhere near as heavy as it used to be). I occasionally smoke Mary Jane now as it is more effective than my Prozac I'm currently prescribed (will get changed soon, I hope). 21. Physically I have some liver/kidney damage (my fault), scalp psoriasis, chronic acid reflux, chronic pain (fibromyalgia), anemia, cold and hot sensitivity, spleen damage (I'm Epstein-Barr sensitive, aka unfortunately susceptible to mono), and something I don't have a name for that makes me get incredibly weak if I don't have a steady intake of sugar during the day.. (any ideas?) 22. I have a SEVERE phobia of vomit. I can handle the word, stories are iffy, but seeing/smelling/hearing it will trigger a panic attack and when i do it (which is thankfully only once every few years so far) it is incredibly painful and I will NOT eat for days. I will be absolutely food repulsed. I doubt anyone would post anything visual, but if you do and you're reading this, PLEASE I'm begging you, post a warning for me. I'll be eternally thankful. 23. Something lighthearted for once: I will not see a superhero/comic book/Nerdy™ movie that I can't go see without my dad. It's just super important to me. 24****. I hate my appearance while simultaneously being incredibly vain about it (do I make sense? No? Ok). I have dysmorphia, because I swear by a few things (I'm always too big, my skin is always bad, etc etc.) If it were not for my conditions (phobia of vomit, not being able to function without sugar), I'd most likely have an eating disorder. Instead I am in a state of limbo where I hate my body but I won't do anything negative to impact my body image. (Yay?) 25. You now know more about me than most people I know in real life, including my parents and family. Sorry it's so much, thanks for sticking around.

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Faith says:APRIL 2, 2016 AT 5:57 PM

I also tried to go the natural route… this is my second year now, but my hair was honestly healthiest when I used to relax it. Now my natural hair just sheds so much and is super dit. regardless of what I do to it. My mind is made as I take off my braids in relaxing it. And shall be proudly rocking it.

Abigail Mai. says:APRIL 1, 2016 AT 11:21 AM

I know this post its old but I feel like I need to post a comment lol. I’ve been natural for three years but things are getting out of hand now, I just can’t do this anymore. I’m glad I found this blog. I’m planning to relax my hair tomorrow and get a pixie cut. I’m so nervous. Nice post! Your hair is gorgeous!

I am at my 3 year mark as well and I’m fed up..smh when yu relaxed what relaxer did you use.

Lauren says:APRIL 7, 2016 AT 10:25 AM Tips & materials before you relax your hair at home Relax your hair at home, by yourself, the RIGHT way! Dr. Miracle’s Feel It Formula Thermalceutical Intensive No-Lye Relaxer (Regular Strength)

So how did it go? Reading these comments, I think I have made up my mind. After almost 10 yrs of being natural, I hate it. It takes me up to 3 hrs to straighten it and it still looks a hot mess and all I can do is pull it back. I was looking at my pictures from college and I loved the relaxed look. So much easier in my opinion and my hands and arms don’t feel like they are going to fall off. Any pointers? I’ll prob just go back to the olive oil relaxer.

Kiki says:MARCH 24, 2016 AT 11:54 PM

Natural isn’t for everyone! My hair broke in the center and both sides while shedding everywhere else. So I cut it down to where it broke, half of my shoulder length hair, to start all over again. I did one Aphogee treatment, then a week later, hit it with ORS relaxer, problem solved! A year and a few months later, my hair is back down on my shoulders. I’ll never go natural ever again! Moisturizing shampoos & conditioners are a must!

Molly

says:FEBRUARY 28, 2016 AT 6:10 PM

Hi! In 2010 my hair fell out, and I spent the next year-and-a-half in weaves. 18 months later I’m natural and my hair is at my shoulders. It was pretty when straight, but would not stay. It would not hold a style. So I get a relaxer, and my hair starts shedding badly. (The bad reactions were caused my coconut oil as it made my hair dry and brittle, but I just found that out a few months ago) then I get psoriasis from an autoimmune condition so bad my scalp bleeds. So for another two years I stop relaxers. My hair kept shedding and getting dryer( too much protien) finally I went back to relaxers but only to loosen the curl. Now my styles stay. I’m still shedding from a chronic illness and the protien, but my hair is bra band length. Yesterday I went to a new salon, doctors orders, and the stylist said my “natural hair” is so healthy! And that I should let it all go natural. Well, none of it is natural! My ends are just straight because of a bad beautician. I relax my hair every four or so months to loosen the tightness and I love this method. Even the white girls raved after the beautician finished styling it. My hair when straight looks exactly like brand new weave, and I missed that when natural. I mean I could get it just as silky but it wouldn’t stay.. So texlaxsing is my ne strategy.

Lauren says:APRIL 5, 2016 AT 10:45 AM I’m so glad you were able to find something that works for you , even with those challenges!

CAH says:FEBRUARY 8, 2016 AT 7:41 PM

I’ve been natural off and on for over 10 years. This weekend I just texlaxed my hair because I wanted versatility. I wanted to be able to straighten my hair without all the excessive heat used when pressing natural hair but I also wanted to have a little texture left so I can still do my wash n’ go’s. It’s sad that we have to justify how we choose to wear our hair.

Deva says:FEBRUARY 2, 2016 AT 11:13 AM

Thanks for this. I’ve never felt threatened with the thought of going natural. I’m texlaxed and have been my whole life. I can honestly say that although i enjoy the look of natural hair, I don’t have time for the maintenance. My relaxer has done me well and I’ll keep that chemical in my head for as long as I can.

Micah says:JANUARY 15, 2016 AT 9:13 AM

I have been free from the creamy crack for 8 years but today I’m so over it I was frustrated with my hair was about to make an appointment for my hairdresser and I’m just like I’m so tired of this and then I said wait what am I trying to prove I’m going to go get me a relaxer and that’s exactly what I’m going to do! MY QUESTION is what relaxer should I use???? since it’s been so long I don’t want my hair to fall out

SincerelyAlexisJ

says:JANUARY 13, 2016 AT 5:16 AM

Omg , I’m so upset that I just found this post . But I’m extremely happy at the same time ! This post and all the comments made me realize that it’s okay to keep my relaxed hair and not feel bad about it because everybody’s on this natural kick! I had THICK just above my shoulder length hair all my life(I’m 25 now). In August , I noticed my hair just wouldn’t get bone straight anymore when I relaxed it , went through 3 different perms and it just wouldn’t get straight. And because I have such thick and hard to manage hair, it would look like I still needed a perm. So I let my sister in law talk me into going natural(SMH!). The first two times she washed and flat ironed my hair(two weeks apart) , it looked nice . Then it kind of went down hill from there . My hair became SUPER thick , the thickest I had ever seen it before , I could not comb through it , it wouldn’t lay down , it was super dry no matter what I would put on it , etc . Then I noticed that when she would flat iron it , it started looking thinner and thinner.

Towards the ending of November I noticed the back of hair completely broke off ! My mom and I were so upset with what was going on with my hair so by the end of December , I decided to go back to my perms. I permed my hair for the first time since August on January 4th(last Thursday) and while I was in the shower A LOT of my hair was coming out in clumps. Not big clumps , but still they were noticeable clumps. After my protein treatment and deep conditioner , I blow dried my hair and saw that my hair had broken off in the middle of my head as well , not as bad as the back though. Also , when I was “natural” , when I would TRY to comb it , a lot of hair would be let left in the comb.

I’m very inclined to believe that all that heat that was being put on my hair caused a lot of damage, as well as it being soo dry. So I have to admit while I was natural that is when I noticed my hair started to fall out.

What do you think I should do to get it back healthy and growing again ? I’ve always had thick and dry hair and I’ve always done deep conditioners every week to retain the moisture , so I know that’s a given. But what else? Please help me , I’m miss my hair so much!

[jessi-31days-blog]

What’s my point here? A pre-journey introduction.

Note: I began my journey October 1st. As today is October 2nd, I’ll be posting this, the log of my first day, and the log of my second day. From then on it will be one post per day.

First of all, who am I and what makes me want to improve myself?

I’m depressed, going through my second heart break this year. This wasn’t just a painful loss heartbreak and a rebound heartbreak; these were two significant and equally painful heartbreaks. That probably gives you an idea of how good I am at keeping a partner (sarcasm translation: I’m clearly not, nor am I good at selecting a partner). Life long story short: I’ve dealt with trauma, loss, mental illness of many kinds, and immense failure all my life. I can’t remember the last time I made someone deeply and genuinely proud of me. Yes Mom (and maybe Dad), I know you’re reading this, and I know you guys are proud of me in the sense that you love me and are glad I was born to you and that I have managed to not kill myself (okay, the rest of you can tune back in now). But I haven’t completed anything, except a 2 year Christian leadership program that honestly did me more bad than good (not because of the people, the program itself, or the church associated, but because I was balls deep in mental illness and self hatred and didn’t know how to properly socialize with people at this time; therefore any help that was given to me didn’t really work). Anything good that did actually happen to me during that time was all God.

Pause.

Don’t get turned off by my mention of God, by the way, because I don’t want to alienate anyone who may want to follow my journey that are put off by religion (but I’m one of those cliche bitches that calls myself spiritual instead; go ahead, judge me), my God (Jesus), or people who follow other faiths. Besides, I’m one of the most unorthodox Christians you’ll ever meet, and I honestly do not give a fuck about being the perfect Christian. All I believe is that Jesus Christ was who He says He was and did what He said He did, and that He loves everyone. Other than that, I just live my life. So you’ll see mentions of my faith, but it won’t be annoying. As a matter of fact, some of my newer friends might just now be discovering that I believe in God. Hi guys! I love you! I know it might take you by surprise that I believe in this, but I’m sure that’s not the only time something I’ve said has taken you by surprise! Wink, nudge. My older friends will read that and be taken aback that I would withhold such information as my belief in Jesus back from my dear friends. And to y’all I say: calm down. Breathe. I’m not trying to be Andrew Wommack or Todd White right now. I think believing what Jesus did to be true is enough for me to go on about my daily life like a normal person. Besides, shit! It’s harder for me to come out as Christian to some people than it was to come out as bisexual! And that’s saying something. Because on one hand, I’m like a diet hedonist, or hedonist lite. Not the coolest thing I like to admit about myself, but give me a break. So you get one of them “crazy Christians” (I know you know the type) to notice 1/4 a teaspoon of hedonism and you’re damned to Hell. On the other hand, there’s the whole ACTUALLY BEING ASSOCIATED WITH PEOPLE LIKE PETER FUCKING POPOFF SOMETIMES that makes me kind of just want to keep my relationship with God to myself.

Unpause.

Other than that leadership school, I haven’t actually finished anything except every single cigarette I have ever smoked (I quit 6 months ago, but I swear to god I would get every last tobacco leaf in those skinny cancer bastard sticks). I didn’t finish high school (but I got my GED, so maybe that counts as finishing something). I didn’t finish even one year of bible college (hold your laughter kids). I had a mental breakdown last year which lead to two things: sending me into a mentally crippled state of mind, thus leading me to be misdiagnosed and way more medicated than I needed to be, and two, the inevitable destruction of my first true love. Now that whole break up wasn’t solely my fault. It was about half. Looking back at what I’ve learned, while I thought he was my miracle, he was everything but that.

Fast forward to April (I think) this year. I leave everything I have, all my friends and most of my family, and my car, in California where I grew up my whole life, and I move to Florida with my mom and step dad.

Okay, this is taking too long to explain. TIME FOR THE LIGHTNING ROUND!

Here’s what happened April-September:

Deep post break up depression (the first love ended last year, but we ended for good right after I left for Florida, thus explaining the depression).

I start to really like alcohol. 

I meet someone new, we become friends, we fall in love, start a romantic relationship. 

I still like alcohol, once a week. 

I meet an amazing group of friends from all over the world in a Skpe group advertised on Reddit. 

I like alcohol one or two times a week. 

The romantic relationship starts out great, ends terribly. Another heart break. LIKE FOR ALCOHOL INTENSIFIES. 

I decide to sign up for college to get into the medical assistance career, which begins October 9th. I realize I gotta do something to improve myself, thus getting the idea to do this thing.

Okay, now what am I trying to accomplish?

I want to be less depressed on October 31st than I was October 1st. I want to learn to enjoy healthy habits and hate unhealthy habits. I want to finish something that I start (which is why I’m using a blog as accountability). And last but not least, I want there to be a record of my efforts to overcome mental illness for two reasons: First reason is that if I make it and I become a better, stronger, and happy version of myself, I want a record of what I did to get to that place. Second reason is if I don’t make it, if this thing actually does kill me (God and my mother forbid), I want there to be a record that I at least gave it my all. That I tried my best to make my life worth living. I know that the second reason sounds depressing, but I’m just being honest.

 As a matter of fact, if you’re gonna follow my journey, just make note of the fact that I will always be honest in every entry; the good, the bad, the ugly. If this 31 day self improvement challenge does nothing for me, you’ll be one of the first ones to know. If this absolutely changes my life, you’ll be one of the first ones to know.

And what exactly am I going to be doing?

Yoga, guided meditation, reading a proverb, reading a blog post, encouraging/helping one stranger on reddit, and going for a walk (or strength-type yoga that is equal in exercise) every day for 31 days. I’m also giving up alcohol for 31 days.

I’m going to use doyogawithme.com’s “Yoga for Chronic Stress, Anxiety and Depression“, which lasts for 21 days. This program includes 10-ish minute videos and a guided meditation each day, with one rest day per week. After the 21 days, I’ll find 10 days worth of yoga and meditation to fill in the gap. My hope is that easy yoga and guided meditation will help me let go of a lot of hurt, learn to calm myself down naturally, and begin thinking positive thoughts.

I’ll be reading from the book of the Bible called Proverbs, which is basically all about wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.

So far the blog I’m reading from is TWLOHA.com’s blogs, which are very insightful and good for people who struggle with mental illness or family/friends of people who struggle with mental illness. If I find any other good blog sites, I’ll read from those, too.

As for the strangers on reddit, I’ll most likely sort by “new” in either r/anxiety or r/depression, and pick someone to give a sincere, detailed piece of advice or encouragement to. My hope in doing this is that it will teach me to think of others, to not be so self centered, and to learn how to make people feel better about themselves or their problems.

I was never in alcoholic territory, but I was getting at least tipsy 2-3 times a week, and I’d rather not get used to being liberal with whiskey for the sake of “numbing” depression

So, if you wanna follow my formula (ew, I hate that word), do some or all of the following every day:

Do yoga or breathing exercises, listen to a guided meditation on a topic of your choosing, find a book about wisdom or wise sayings and read a portion, find a blog about something that interests you and read a post, encourage at least one stranger (be it on your favorite social media site or in person), and do some kind of lite to medium exercise. Bonus points if you journal about everything. Oh, and give up a bad habit, such as alcohol, soda, or fast food for the 31 days as well. Feel free to customize your own 31 day challenge. Don’t let me hog all the self improvement (assuming I’ll see some, ha ha ha).

Anything else?

I’ll probably end up making this blog look more aesthetically pleasing at some point, and maybe I’ll take down my face picture and replace it with something that isn’t my face, idk. But as of typing this sentence it is 11:10 pm on October 2nd, and I just want to post my two days of entries then go to bed. 

If you choose to follow my journey: thanks, bud.