#please gas me up or ill delete this

[paigestrap]

the surprise

anon requested

paige x fem!reader

warnings: smut (minors dni), lingerie, swearing

~3k words

summary:

you plan a surprise for paige but it gets ruined when she flakes to hang out with her teammates. realizing her mistake, she makes it up to you.

enjoy yall i made this instead of writing my 15 page essay 😵😵😵

you were so excited...

you had planned a surprise date with p for the entire day, it was your way of thanking her for the many amazing dates she would take u on and you couldn’t wait to spend the entire day with her. it was one of her days off and she had told you yesterday that she was super excited to spend the entire day with you. unfortunately, your plans and day were ruined when she had texted you this afternoon.

p: hey baby ik i said id hang out with u today but ice and kk have been begging me all day to do something with them do u mind if i go see a movie with them and then get food? i promise i'm all yours tonight ;)

fuck. your stomach dropped and suddenly all your excitement for your plans faded away. you didn’t know what to say to her, you really wanted to spend this time with her and you had made a big effort planning this surprise for her but you didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t spend time with her friends.

but you were also kind of… mad? it hurt you that even though she spends all her time with her teammates and sees them at practice almost everyday she would rather spend her free time with them than with you. it may have been a toxic mindset but it still bothered you. you decided to go with a passive aggressive response.

you: sure, see u later.

you sighed as you collected yourself, putting away the groceries you bought to make her dinner. and filling up a vase with water for the roses whose pedals you had planned to sprinkle in the bath after dinner. you hang your newly purchased lingerie set in the closet, feeling silly for going out of your way to do all this just to be let down. you changed into pajamas and threw a frozen meal in the microwave, preparing yourself for a day full of sulking and watching reality tv.

you saw that paige had responded to your message, but you turned your phone off, not wanting to respond to her. you sat in front of the tv and put on some shitty show while you pulled out your laptop to do some homework (aka what the writer of this fic should be doing right now instead of writing this 😭). at some point you drift off to sleep.

knock.

u woke with a start, not even realizing you had fallen asleep or how much time had gone by, getting up to answer your door.

it was your girlfriend with a look of worry and annoyance, soaking wet and panting at your doorstep.

“why haven’t you been responding? i called u three times and texted you a bunch???” she questioned you, the worry had mostly faded into annoyance as she realized you were perfectly fine.

“oh, sorry i haven’t been on my phone, i guess i fell asleep” you answered to your very unsatisfied looking girlfriend.

“you can’t just send me some passive aggressive text and then ignore me for two hours. that’s unfair babe, you’d be so upset if i did that to u” she said, exasperated. she was clearly upset with you, but you didn’t care to be honest because you were also upset. you decided then you should tell her how you feel.

“it’s not fair that on your day off you decide to spend time with the teammates you see everyday instead of your girlfriend who you can barely make time to see as is. i understand they’re your best friends and spending time with them is important to you but i was so excited to spend the day with you i even planned a surprise for you and i was just feeling really neglected,” you watch as her expression softens. she walks in, and gives you a hug and kisses your head. you hate to admit it but her display of affection and attention made you feel a lot better.

“you’re absolutely right, baby. i was a dick for that. i had a feeling you were hurt by the way you responded. i just got really worried when you were ignoring me and shit i literally left in the middle of the movie and ran here in the rain” she admits to you, still holding you and running her hand up and down your back. “i didn’t know you had something planned for us. i’m so sorry you must’ve been so disappointed and upset i know that’s how i would’ve felt so i’m so sorry i made you feel that way”

you move to look up into her eyes, sincerity plastered on her face, and your annoyance and anger towards her began to fade away. “it’s okay, you didn’t know that i had planned something for us and i was just being petty. i should’ve told u that i was bothered so it’s my fault for not being honest with you. i was just hurt,” knowing that all it took for you to feel better was admitting how you felt and her apologizing made you feel silly for ignoring her earlier in the day. this could’ve all been avoided if you had just told her how you felt.

“its okay baby i understand. if i'm not too late, id like to make it up to you. what was it that you had planned?” she smiled at you, still holding you in her arms.

“well, i was going to cook you dinner, and then i bought all these roses so we could take a romantic bath together and then, well, i had another surprise for later” you start to blush, remembering the set hanging in your closet that you bought with her in mind. you hide your shy smile by burying your face into her chest.

“oh yeah? what’s that, do i still get that surprise too?” she grinned mischievously, clearly understanding the nature of your last surprise,

“i haven’t decided yet, let’s first see if you can make it up to me,” you joke with her, knowing in the back of your head that the night would end with the set on your body and paige inside you.

“fair enough,” she laughed, also seeming to know the future. “can i help you cook at least? what’s on the menu?” finally breaking the embrace she makes her way to the fridge to look at what you had bought to make dinner.

“i was just gonna make spaghetti and meatballs, you can start the noodles if you want and i can start with the other stuff.” you walk towards her, planting a kiss on her lips, “thank you for coming, P. i love you.”

she smiles and kisses you again, cupping your cheeks in her hands and looking at you endearingly “of course, my sweet girl, i’m excited to spend tonight with you. especially for whatever you have planned at the end of it” she winks and playfully slaps your ass, heading for the cabinet where the pots are to start the water. you bite your lips and blush, knowing what’s in store.

dinner preparation goes smoothly for the most part. other than the two times you stopped for a make out sesh, and paige’s incessant comments about how hot you looked while cooking her dinner. she really knew exactly how to rile you up and it was so infuriating and sexy at the same time.

you are so worked up by paige’s advances and endless flirting that you can barely think at all once you set the table and finally sit down to eat. she knows the effect she’s having on you and that only fuels her more. “you’re so fucking cute when you’re worked up, just wanna make u like this all the time”

“you are beyond annoying paige, seriously, do u enjoy making me suffer?”

“yes,” she deadpans, staring at you with a look that practically undresses you on its own. you cross your legs, feeling the heat in between your legs increasing. if paige notices she doesn’t say anything, and you enjoy the rest of your meal together without anymore teasing.

when dinner is over she insists on cleaning up the mess and even though you try to object she shoos you away. you head into your room with the roses to draw the bath. your stomach stirs knowing you and her will be in it together soon. you add the bath salts, leaving it smelling amazing in the bathroom, and slowly and carefully drop the pedals into the water, desire seeming to rise with each pedal you drop. you finally light a few candles you had brought in the bathroom and turn off the lights.

as if on cue, paige enters the bathroom. looking around the room and then at you. “this is adorable baby. i love it. thank you so much for doing this for me.” she walks over to u and plants a kiss on your lips, her hands meeting either side of your waist as she looks in your eyes. your heart melts.

you break away from her and begin to undress, and her eyes never move from you as you take each piece of clothing off. her piercing stare making the color of your cheeks pink. once fully undressed you make your way into the bath, the hot water shocking your skin and not helping your growing desire for the blonde girl whose gaze was still fixed on you. you look at her, wanting her to join you so you can finally touch her. she understands and undresses as well smirking at you as you stare shyly at her beautiful body.

“like what you see?” she teases you as she pulls her final layers off, her naked body on full display in front of you.

“i’d like it a lot better if you were in here with me, hurry up” you say impatiently, wanting to touch her so badly. she finally joins you, scooting to the back and leaning on the bath walls, opening her legs so you can lay in between them. you allow her body to engulf yours as you lay the back of your head on her chest, savoring every inch of her skin that’s in contact with yours.

“you’re so pretty baby, can’t believe you’re all mine” she moves your hair away from your neck and places soft kisses along it, trailing down to your shoulder. soft whimpers leave your mouth as your body reacts to her touch, each kiss intensifying the desire that's been brewing all night. "have i made it up to you yet baby?" she whispers in your ear.

your brain goes fuzzy, barely able to think with her sinful lips and voice in your ear, "i'm not sure, i think there might be something else you could do to make it up to me" you try to tease her, but your voice betrays you as it comes out breathless and in between moans.

she laughs, and then whispers again in a low and seductive voice "oh yeah? whats that baby? tell me" she ghosts her finger around your nipple with one hand, and traces circles around the sensitive parts of your stomach, all while continuing to kiss your neck. you are fully gone at this point, shamelessly whining while she works you into total submission.

"cant. not right now. the last surprise. still need to show you." you are so worked up and words are not coming easy at all. you desperately want to get out of the bath and into your set so she can fuck you senseless in bed.

“okay baby, we can get out now. wanna go get that surprise ready?” she puts her hands on your shoulder and stops kissing your neck, you let out a whine at the absence of her touch, but find yourself slowly coming back to reality.

“yes, you wait in here and drain the water and i’ll let you know when you can come in” you say, making your way out of the bath and wrapping a towel around your figure. she nods and pulls the drain while getting out of the bath.

once in your room with the bathroom door shut, you make your way over to your closet and pull out the set you bought. it’s a light purple babydoll slip dress and a matching thong, there’s a bow in the bra part that can be untied to uncover your tits. you bite your lip as you feel your pussy get wet just thinking about her reaction. slowly, you put it on, making sure everything is in order and the bow is pretty for her, even though you know it won’t be tied for long.

“okay. you can come out now, i’m ready” you stand awkwardly, impatiently awaiting her presence and reaction to you. she opens the door and her mouth drops as soon as her eyes meet you. she stands there for a while, unable to say or do anything in awe of you.

“you’re amazing” she says, eyes running you up and down as she takes you in. she is star struck.

“come here and touch me please. make up for today” you whine, feeling so small under her gaze and so needy for her touch. she walks over to you, fingers touching all over you as she gazes at you perplexed.

“so fucking beautiful, all for me” she whispers, one hand cupping your cheek and another snaking its way down your back to grab your ass. her hand moves to the bow covering your chest, and slowly, she pulls the cloth until it unravels and your tits are on full display for her. she shamelessly stares at them, fondling one in her hand and running her thumb around your nipple, eliciting the most obscene noises from you as she does so. "your tits are a masterpiece, cant believe theyre all mine," she admits. both of her hands grip your thighs as she hoists you into her arms and lays you down on the bed, fully on top of you. "want me to fuck you in this baby? is that what you want?" she asks you, hands running up and down your thighs.

"yes. paige. oh my god please." you beg, laying all your desires out in front of her as you let her take full control. she kisses you passionately, hands traveling the expanse of your body and touching you in all of your most sensitive spots.

"so worked up for me huh? tell me how i can make it up to you baby, i'll do whatever you say", she says in a low voice in between kisses, hands traveling dangerously close to the place you need them most as she plays with the band of your panties.

"please fuck me paige, i need you in me right now" you beg, barely holding it together. her hands grab your underwear and she pulls them off of you, leaving your wet and throbbing pussy on full display. her fingers slide in between your folds, rubbing your clit and feeling your wetness.

"youre soaking baby, all because of me yeah? im gonna fuck you so good my sweet girl, make you forget all about what happened" you can barely hear her lude remarks as she rubs your clit. you fear you wont last long with how good her fingers are making you feel.

she slips two fingers in you, your wetness allowing them entrance with ease, she curls her fingers in you as your walls clench around them, touching your sensitive spot as she does so. your hips rut in reaction and moan her name loudly as she rakes in and out of you, "thats my good girl, so fucking loud for me," her pace quickens as she feels you tightening up against her. she knows youre close and is making no effort to prolong your orgasm, wanting to make you feel as good as possible. she moves her thumb to rub up and down against your clit, increasing the sensation as your body reacts to both points of contact.

you were so close, your body in her full control and needing release. "paige. please, faster. im gonna come" you plead. she moves right next to you and sucks on your neck while speeding up her pace inside of you,

"anything for you baby, you can come for me, i love you so much." she whispers, pace quickening as her fingers travel deeper inside of you .

her voice in your ear telling you to come is all you need to send you over the edge. you moan her name as you orgasm and she continues whispering, "so so good, all mine, love how you feel when you come. you look so beautiful right now baby" she slows her pace as you ride out your orgasm, kissing your neck as she continues talking you through it.

as you feel the waves of pleasure subside and you start to come back to your senses, you kiss her for a long time, whimpering in her mouth at the same time. she slowly pulls her fingers out of you, pushing them in your mouth as you lick up your mess. she lays down next to you, holding you in her arms.

"yeah. you definitely made it up to me" you say looking at her and pecking her lips.

"oh, there's more where that came from. i'm all yours tonight baby." she smiles, hand cupping your cheek as she kisses you lovingly.

it was going to be a long night.

[firebuug]

checked my bank account 8262848585 dead 15 injured

[cursedhunting]

rules

mun: i am well over the age of 21 and because of this i do not feel comfortable writing with anyone under that age. i am a full time student and have other responsibilities on top of that my main blog takes priority which is why if anyone wants my discrd just ask as i do not publicly post my tag. i am open to not only chatting with people on there but also rping, if that's also your jam.

content warning: mature or potentially triggering subjects present ranging from mental illness, blood, gore, sexual situations, gas lighting, murder, torture, self destructive behavior, religious themes, demonic possession, questionable intent, and mentions a miscarriage and mentions of drug and alcohol use. if smut is written it will be tagged with usft / and nsft / if you need me to tag anything else, please let me know. i am only human so i might end up forgetting to tag something specific, this does not mean i did it on purpose. simply let me know and i will correct myself.

writing: this is a writing focused blog which means that i wish to develop this version of natasha further. that being said i prefer pre-established dynamics and the open lines of communication that come with plotting. best way to interact with me is through memes as i do not put out starter calls. i usually answer memes as if they were starters, because of this if it becomes a patter of meme replies not being acknowledged in any way shape or form --even after i send the link as a private answer--, i will likely not answer any more memes from you for a while. however if you ever feel the need to drop a thread, please go right ahead. i completely understand all i ask is that you let me know. since i am new to this fandom and this is not a canon character in the show i will prefer light plotting over winging interactions, especially if we have never interacted.

formatting: i use small text, italics, bolding throughout my replies if you need me to change the font size, all you have to do is let me know. i am more than happy to accommodate my writing partners. iconless replies are also happily accepted from my partners as i won't always use icons, especially if a reply turns long.

reply speed: i use the queue because it saves me unnecessary stress. however i will not have a tag for things that are queued. if i have hella muse because of a reply, i will reply fast and probably write a lot, my writing partners do not have to match my length. all i ask if that i am given something to work with. i don't do one liners either.

shipping: i love shipping but i will not ship with any characters under 25 without prior plotting as by the time s1 rolls around natasha is 30 years old. as stated above, i prefer open lines of communication with those i am actively writing with. if you want to ship let me know and we can discuss the potential !

mains/exclusives: as of right now i do not practice either but i am more than willing to discuss things with people i actively. the potential of either or is open but currently not a priority.

other: i will be avoiding people who chronically delete / remake their blogs so if this is you and i accidentally follow you you can hard block me.

credit: all edits and psds are made by me. icon blockquotes credit

[ruby3818]

I have something I really need to get off my chest that I’ve put off for years now but can’t ignore anymore. Under a read more so you can skip it and tagged #negative so you can block it. Maybe this might clear some things up or at least get my side of the story out there. Please read this before making any decision about me from what you’ve heard from someone else.

I am aware that Cap, who I used to be friends with but had to leave the friendship because of their controllive obsession with me is still saying lies about how I “abandoned them” in public forums. Even going as far as to ask my franticshipping mutuals to block me (how she knows who my mutuals are is anyone's guess since I’ve had her blocked for over three years now??). If you see her do this please stop enabling them!! Over the years people have made her feel ok to get aggressive about my very existence and tell her that they are “valid” for feeling jealousy. All it does is reassure her that it is ok to behave like that and not be held accountable for their actions. Cap does not need validation, she needs help.

I have begged her multiple times over the past few years to leave me alone and stop saying stuff about me on public forums but every time she promises to stop I hear from someone else that they're still doing it. Things like; making up stuff that I apparently said in a dream treated as fact, telling my mutuals to block me, saying that I’ve apparently replaced her, telling everyone that I abandoned her, etc.

Because of her I not only lost them as a friend but every single other friend I had because they either believe the lies or they're scared of upsetting Cap who flies into a rage at the very mention of me.

I really tried to help her and then when the jealousy, gas lighting, violent mood swings and controlling behavior got too much for me and everyone else who tried to help I had to do what was best for both of us and leave the friendship.

I've tried for three years now to be the better person and not talk about what should be our personal problems but it's just blown up in my face with no one believing me or wanting to get involved and everyone enabling them (which is triggering to irl experiences but that's another story).

And I do understand that maybe a lot of this frustration I feel is because of the pattern of people abusing me and then everyone around me forcing me to forgive them and be around them for the sake of their feelings leading to the same damn cycle of me being helpless and feeling like a burden for not putting up with it.. It just sucks that even online I have to deal with it when this should be a safe place away from all that. But I also know what emotional abuse looks like due to irl experiences and I know that this is not acceptable behavior. This is abuse. And the only way to stop an abuser is to get their behavior out in the open and have other people know what they’ve been doing.

It also really sucks that the whole reason I couldn’t stand being friends with her was because I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone else and if I did they would blow into a rage and yet 3 whole years later I still am not allowed to talk to anyone otherwise I’m “replacing them” leading her to tell any potential new friends to block me (Somehow she is finding out who my new mutuals are on Tumblr, Twitter and Discord and dm’ing them to block me which is what some of these mutuals have come forward to tell me). She still has that control over me and I’m sick of it. I just want to move on.

I hate having to tip toe around the fandom not knowing what they’ve said about me to mutuals. I just want to be able to talk to people and have them know the full story and not some fabricated story of abandonment or random crap I apparently said in a dream of theirs.

As for what they did in the past, here’s my side of the story and why I had to leave the friendship;

They would always get jealous when I talked to other people and threaten to kill them self because "I'm just going to replace them". It became such a constant thing that I couldn’t even talk at all in a public server without there being a big drama about it. They even ended up being banned from Specord for their constant harassment of me.

Whenever I would bring this up and ask her (or beg) to not get upset and let me talk to people they would act like they had no idea what I was talking about and say that my depression is making me think crazy things. Even though other people saw it and I also had screenshots I still believed them because (being mentally ill) I really can't trust myself. I've been gas-lighted by people in my family my whole life so this was too triggering to handle on a daily basis so I needed out of the friendship.

She constantly suicide-baited me into taking her back and then made every conversation we had about suicide and self harm. Whenever she felt bad about something I said to her in a dream or if I talked to someone else she would tell me happily how she cut herself “for me” because it was supposed to show me that she loved me and that she somehow deserved it. The constant talk of suicide became too triggering to my own mental health and struggle with suicidal thought that I had to get out of the relationship.

For so long they would make up lies about how I abandoned them leading me to receive death threats from strangers telling me to kill myself, people blocking me and all my friends no longer talking to me so it doesn't upset them. So in the end they still had that control over me.

They even told me in our last conversation (over two years ago) that they were right for overreacting over me talking to anyone else besides them because I "shouldn't be talking to other people anyway". They even went as far to tell me that they hated how I was "popular" and basically wanted to be like me whilst also destroying me.

I know that I could of been a better friend but with my c-ptsd and her own mental health problems it just became a toxic mix. The very mention of my name or seeing my posts or comments at all just sends her into violent mood-swings. I couldn’t handle being emotionally abused on a daily basis and I needed out of the relationship. And I get that they still have friends that care about them, that’s good! They’re going to need the support if they’re ever going to improve as a person and move on from this.

So what is the point of this post? Well mostly just to get this pent up helplessness out into the open so maybe someone might understand. The other reason is that I am sick to death of having to be known as the bad guy just because I tried to do what I thought was the right thing by walking away. I want to be able to makes friends and not have to worry about Cap finding out and sabotaging it for me. I want the hate asks to stop. I want people who I thought were my friends to stop blocking me because of something they heard.

This is a selfish request but I also want people to stand up to her for once and stop her from spreading lies about me in public and feeding her delusions. I want her to know that she can’t bully, manipulate and emotionally abuse people in to a friendship and that she doesn’t get to decide who I can interact with. But mostly I hope that by getting this out in the open maybe this might finally come to an end and we can both move on.

Naturally she’s gone and deleted all of her dm’s with me but I do still have some screen shots that might help people understand. I won’t include any dm’s with other users but my DM’s are open if you need more clarification.

First off her finally agreeing to tell the truth (which she never ended up doing evidentely)

She always worshiped me as someone I wasn’t and thought that she had to be like me to be a successful person but it ended up blowing up into a full blown obsession around being me.

She always said she acknowledged that how she treated me was wrong but she still kept doing it like she couldn’t control herself... I kept thinking that maybe her therapy would help her and we could go back to how it was before but she just kept getting worse with her obsession.

This was the other Cap.. the one that wouldn’t acknowledge what she was doing at all and would tell me I was making it up out of paranoia

These are some screenshots that were sent to me of some of the stuff she was saying about me on other servers?? She would always treat the stuff that I did in her dreams as stuff I actually said but, idk how to control what I say in her dreams?? I would never in my life say this kind of stuff about anyone??

Due to the pic limit I will include other screenshots in a reblog.

If you need any more clarification or just want to talk don’t be afraid to ask. Hopefully this can be cleared up finally and I can be free from her control. She needs to be held accountable for her actions and she needs to move on for the sake of her own mental health as well as for mine.

[kazuhaskaede]

rules

hello :DD these are the rules for my writing blog. i’ll be listing several things but first things first: i’m multifandom!

also, if there’s anything that you need tagged, feel free to dm or send an ask and i will do so right away!

currently, my main fandom is Genshin Impact ! but i will also write for... haikyuu, bnha, kny, promare, bsd, assclass, ohshc, tsurune, inuyasha, hxh*, classroom of the elite, yttd/kimi ga shine, sk8, 1bitheart, and more! feel free to inquire about really any fandom

here is a list of characters i will and will not write for :D

general rules are

i will write fluff and angst (smut only in headcanons, nothing detailed)

i will write for a maximum of 4 characters per request

headcanons, one-shots, scenarios, imagines, match-ups, textposts, etc

romantic and platonic ships, be it character x character or character x reader

i will not do OC x character

please provide pronouns you wish for me to use or i will default to they/them ! neopronouns are also ok for matchups

also any au’s (unless i’m comfortable with it)

please do not address me as senpai or overuse the -san -kun -chan - sama honorifics (etc) as well as the usage of oppa unnie etc this makes me extremely uncomfortable and i view it as the fetishization of japanese and korean culture

if an ask makes me uncomfortable, i will delete it 

i will not write for

pedophilic, incestuous, necrophiliac, and large age gap ships 

any romanticization of mental illness

i will add to this as i find out more but for now, feel free to test the waters with me

rules for requesting matchups

i do not require physical description (hair color, eye color, hair length, etc) 

please do not send me 5 separate asks for one matchup 

please provide substantial information such as hobbies, personality, etc

list the fandom you wish for as well as the age range 

rules for requesting anything else

read general rules above as well as which characters i will and will not write for

thats basically it :D

[rpbetter]

This whole thing with the pronouns is textbook kindergarten behavior. Oh no, you misgendered someone once. I would assume Raven blocked you or just won't browse your blog again. And I would also assume despite the bullshit anons, you're not going to call Raven she/her anymore either. Any way you look at it, the problem is in the past. Who is hurting (present participle) who, here? Because to me it looks like these dumb anons are the only ones "hurting" other people.

No, I'm definitely not! If Raven manifested in my living room as a zombie and tried to eat my face I wouldn't use those pronouns again lol because, yes, the difference is that I know now. That didn't need to be achieved by coming at me with that behavior. A really simple, minimally mature statement that actually, they/them is correct would have been appropriate and appreciated.

Do y'all honestly think I would be spending time on a blog that was firstly, accusing me of bullying them off tumblr and secondly, had "deleted" before I could look? Okay, then. Just tell people, like adults you're supposed to be, when they've made an error. I'd have very happily and sincerely apologized. I'm not going to crucify myself for an innocent mistake when it's brought to my attention that way.

I will, again, apologize to everyone out there who has ever been maliciously misgendered, everyone who gets that even by accident daily. I'm so sorry that happens! I know it's frustrating as hell, I can't get people IRL to call me by what I prefer. In fact, I don't live somewhere where it's acceptable/safe to be trans. At least, if I don't want to nuke my job and starve to death. So, I cannot express enough that I do know how this can trigger dysphoria, anger, and depression. It's not something I would ever do on purpose (not with any level of antagonizing or animosity thrown my way), weaponize and trivialize it, and I hope someday all my trans followers get the peace and respect to live their lives the way they deserve, like everyone else does.

Seriously, like the triggers thing in my tags earlier: if I ever misgender anyone unknowingly, if I've not seen you following and/or haven't had the opportunity to look at your blogs (though I do try! I love seeing everyone's interests and creativity if nothing else) so I don't tag something you're triggered by, please let me know. Just do so nicely, that's literally all I ask.

Just in case none of that was crystal clear lol I want to know, I want this blog to be a helpful and enjoyable place. But I'm just a person. An insomnia-laden, working, ill, ND, person with a lot of responsibilities on a lot of medication. I make mistakes!

Anyway, that about the "harming," hoo boy lol indeed. It's literally this same behavior that sparked all of this and emptied an entire gas station's worth of petrol on that spark. Pretty sure all of the adults in the room are aware of whom is harming whom. The stunning capacity to misunderstand or intentionally misconstrue, then purvey that misconstrued set of ideas aggressively, resulting in weeks of hate anons, deleted blogs, and legitimately harmed muns. I didn't do any of that. I showed up and had the gall to try to mitigate it a tiny bit.

It was time to let it go when Raven "deleted" or what have you. That wasn't the time to find the single "problematic" thing I did and sell it like it was an act of willful violence. It's very much in the past, let it go, Elsa.

[ego-centrick-moved]

EGO MAYHEM THEORIES: II

THIS IS PART II. CLICK HERE FOR PART I.

OK FUCKERS LET’S FIRST COVER SOME STUFF:

Jack posted a photo to his instagram with red lights shining on his face as he wore chases shirt and marvin's mask was spotted in the back

he livestreamed some fortnight and @lisasepticsuperplier spotted marvin’s mask hanging on the whiteboard. @maggiemaemoo also noticed and pointed out when he went on a “pee break” the mask went missing. this same mask was on the whiteboard in his new “am i colorblind” video.

it’s important to note that the red lights were in every video between chapter one and the colorblind video.

RGB lights/lens flares in most thumbnails.

he wore a black shirt in every video up until today (5/9) where he switched it out for chases shirt in “try to fall asleep” and a fairly normal tee in “am i colorblind”

i don't think “am i colorblind” is important to our theories at all, i actually think for once we got a normal video? besides the mask, nothing off happens the whole video and there’s no red lights. did jack go back to sleep?

CHAPTER 4: “IT WAS ALL CONNECTED”

"you see a man in front of you. this man looks strange, not like any man you have seen before. suddenly, you realize you were looking in a mirror..."

by this point we know all of the intros are connected/parallel events having to do with jack/the egos. this intro doesn’t end with “stories untold.” it’s likely the case because in game, we learn what the characters “untold” story is- and we start to uncover jacks. 

all of his egos have a similar likeness to jack, so he could be referring to coming face to face with any of them. i think, however, this is more of a “i don’t recognize myself” statement. jack has lost his memories, he hasn’t been himself and his subconscious knows. that’s why he doesn’t recognize the man in the mirror, why it looks strange to him. mirrors have been a common theme over time regarding anti/broken!jack, and mirrors were also involved in the second video this day.

i really think jack did a good job choosing stories untold to be The Game(tm) where all this shit goes down. there’s a lot of very obvious connections you can make with jack/the ego’s stories and this game, and i enjoy it a lot. i took some notes while watching the video, it would take to long to expand on them individually so i'll just share this screenshot. it’s a lil messy:

now let’s jump to that ending. i’m still reeling from it; wig evaporated. 

i still have NO SOLID IDEA what he could’ve been referring to. does he remember everything or just some things? does he blame schneep or anti? does he remember who everyone is again? SO MANY QUESTIONS! gif credit

@fear-is-nameless pointed out he looks directly at the camera, not through it. almost as if he's talking to someone. i think he’s either talking to us, or talking to schneep/chase considering (i think) they were the ones trying to get him to wake up to begin with. 

@no-strings-puppet pulled together the whispers that you can listen to slowed here, slowed and reversed here.

@damienisverygood made a transcript of the whispers, i have a hard time hearing it so i cant rly confirm for 100% that this is accurate, but definitely worth noting.

@monochromemedic had a really interesting theory about schneeps involvement in it all, it’s definitely worth taking a peek at.

@booperdoopcr has a theory that really got me thinking as well.

i really do think someone has been “pulling the strings,” choosing what jack can remember and locking away whatever memories either a, hurt him or b, doesn’t serve their agenda. it’s hard to tell if it’s anti who’s in control of what jack knows or if it’s our doctor. 

i don’t think schneep is evil or malevolent. if he’s keeping jack from remembering it’s for jacks health or the well-being of the other egos/himself. it’s an outdated theory that anti thrives off of attention (i can’t remember but i think jack said that wasn’t quite the case) so it would make sense for henrick to lock away memories that involved anti, it would also explain why jack doesn’t remember him (considering he was corrupted last time we saw him). the thing that doesn’t quite add up with this theory is why schneep was so frazzled to see jack playing his role, when he knew jack didn’t remember him or really know what he was doing. schneep looked scared when confronting jack, he knew something was wrong. overnightwatch happened after schneep left for “vacation,” yet jack seems to forget about that too. i don’t dismiss this theory completely, it just leaves a lot of questions.

anti, however, would benefit from jack having amnesia about him. if he doesn’t know who anti is and doesn’t know there’s something fishy going on, he can’t stop it. it would make sense for anti to make jack forget schneep, considering he tried to save him. it also could’ve just been a casualty of trying to get jack to forget everything regarding the glitch demon himself. it would also make sense for schneep to be frazzled in this case when confronting jack, because he likely didn’t know who he was talking to. he recognized jack, but he didn’t know jack. if that makes any sense.

i stand strongly by my theory that memory-lacking jack is just a puppet of antis, being controlled by him without really knowing. schneep has experience with anti, he was likely afraid of the unknown possibilities that stirred around confronting an unstable, unknowing puppet!jack. i honestly believe schneep came back to try to save jack. after he confronted puppet!jack, i think he started some sort of therapy to get him to remember, and had chases help. (like a parallel to the dr. alex/mom and james in the game ya feel?)

@chronically-illustrated pointed out that all of the endings could be a bit of interpretation of what happened to jack over the years. James Ation had a hard time interpreting reality so the truth manifested in complicated and symbolic ways. the outros could’ve symbolized jack’s memories coming back to him/events that have been actively happening. 

we see jack “wake up” periodically (i think the jack that remembers is conscious, just locked away, being tortured and watching everything unfold) , leaving hints and cries for help littered here and there. they almost ALWAYS get removed though, seemingly by anti trying to get things back under control. the tags on the DDLC playthroughs that got deleted (canyouhearme, i remember what happened), the entire overnightwatch stream getting deleted (seemingly from memory as well), the random tags showing up on posts only to get deleted later (the sos in morse code). anti doesn’t want jack catching on, he deletes all signs of him he can and all of jacks cries for help while simultaneously taunting us and fucking with us (like overnightwatch as whole). thanks to @fear-is-nameless for reminding me about the tags on DDLC.

no traditional outro or intro

CHECK PLEASE

this video just seemed very off. i don’t have a lot to say about it, but i’ll let my notes sum it up:

i don’t really know what to make of it, other than it’s suspicious as all hell. the red light was in this video as well. 

he mentioned magic 6 times, made a blood/knife/threatening comment about 5 times, and got injured/burned twice. 

that mirror speech was all fine until he said “you got this- we got this.”  i just don't trust like that.

if anything, i think this just helps solidify the idea that memory vacant jack is just a puppet of antis. it might also reveal that anti’s whole plan is to become one with jack and be the foreman (host).

“papa” sounds a lot like anti in the closing scene lmao. i don’t think there’s much to read into, its just something funny. if he is a puppet i wonder if he sees anti as dad?

there IS a traditional outro/intro

TRY TO FALL ASLEEP

i hate this man. i absolutely despise him. im kidding i love him and his creativity and torture knows no bounds. this mother fuck really did this to us.

before even watching the video, i knew we were NOT in the clear, after jack seemingly “waking up” yesterday and then this video? i love hate him. 

here are my general notes on the video. i added lines to make it easier to read cos this was a Lot:

i take the notes during my first watch through so i'm sorry for the meaningless comments/reactions throughout. 

let’s break this down a lil bit. the video starts off weird. there’s no normal intro, and the red lights are there- just dim (this was brought to my attention from this post by @markired), “jack” fades in through static. 

@lizziebirb made this gif where you can see marvins mask show through the static:

then that creepy grin is back as he introduces the game. he stares directly at us as he makes his “speech” about going to sleep. when he makes the comment “when you drift off, that’s when the fun begins,” i half expected to hear anti’s laugh. bone-chilling to say the least.

the character in the game is someone who just went through an accident of some kind, and memory loss is mentioned (another parallel?). jack glosses over that, and instead focuses on brain damage. now hear me out; what if jack doesn’t want to remember? what if he wants to stay asleep because he’s afraid? i feel like due to the theme of the last game egos aside, he normally would’ve pointed it out or made a connection? i could be wrong, im just thinking out loud.

he also, out of place, brought up “why are all these people in my house” which reminded me a lot of a post he reblogged a few days ago.

he says “i don't know if i need a mask” (referring to gas masks in game) but that line stuck out to me, due to the fact two egos have masks and one of them even popped up in this video. the other ego (jbm) we haven't heard almost anything from since this all started. 

i found a lot in the TV snow. we see marvin, JJ, and a hidden message. ill link the post with all the pictures here, but i would like to highlight a few screenshots in specific.

in this one, jack’s webcam seems to glitch out when marvin pops up. i don't know if that was something that messed up in the rendering of the video, but it honestly reminds me a lot like the glitches that popped up during the antipocalypse days. with the way the color fades and there seems to be hints of color over his face. i wonder if there’s a second image there we just can’t see?

and then there was this:

i traced over the words, but that’s all i saw. i’ve seen people claim it says “you need to wake up” but i just... don’t see that. it would make sense, but i never see the end of this sentence and i very clearly see an “A” in the 3rd word, so it doesn’t say “need”. it could say “you have to flee,” considering that is the next word we see after this. if that’s the case, who is he fleeing from and why? 

it could ALSO be someone telling jack he HAS to wake up. like they’re telling him he doesn’t have a choice, he can't just keep acting like things didn’t happen and put off confronting his memories/his egos. after waking up yesterday, and then this video today, i wouldn’t be surprised if he’s deliberately trying to fall back asleep.

we also see JJ. but why? this is the only time i see him, and as far as i know jack doesn’t even reference him in this video, unlike how he referenced marvin with the abundance of magic-related comments. what’s the significance of JJ being in this video/making an appearance?

he also makes a face worth mentioning after reading the phrase “loose lips spit sekrits.” (i’m p sure it’s spelt that way because in dreams it’s common for things to be a little off, especially words. it wasn’t a typo by the developers, it was deliberate). this face goes entirely full screen and only lasts for about a second. it could be for comedic effect because he thought it was a typo, but it could also be a certain someone throwing some shade, yanno? someone's been slipping us hints, “spitting sekrits,” and another someone is probably not very thrilled about it.

he then makes a comment about “revive” due to the word being on a podium. he picks up a fuse and says, “can the doctor revive me after this” (as JJ pops up on screen) which could be a direct reference to schneep “reviving” jack- or at least his attempts to.

fear was a big theme in this video, he repeated that he “wasn’t afraid” many times even though he was very obviously afraid. i wonder who he was trying to convince he wasn’t afraid? who are we even watching in this video, and who are they trying to prove something to? he breaks the fourth wall towards the end and tells us “no fear, im repeating it so you guys remember it.” does he want us to have no fear, is it important that we aren’t afraid? or is he trying to convince us/whoever he really isn’t afraid, just cautious for our sake? 

there were about 5 mentions of magic i caught throughout this video.

no traditional outro/intro

i’ll add more as the days go on, but in another two days (if there’s still ego stuff goin on) i’ll make another one. :D if you have any theories to add lmk by tagging me, messaging them to me, or just replying here ! i’ll throw them in where/if they fit and tag you. thanks for all the positive responses on my first theory post, i hope this one is as helpful. :D

Tags (im sorry): @jacksoopticboop @jacksepticeye-protection-squad @lum1natrix @puppet-master-anti @kasper-the-ghost @septicjacks @mrcamillaa @hufflepufftrax @rogue-of-broken-time  @marielgum @markired

[emerald-eyes-8917]

Mend this Porcelain Heart of Mine

So this is a prompt fill for a wonderful anon who asked for a fic where the reader is coming out of an abusive relationship.

I hope you enjoy this and I do hope you are in a better place, dear friend.

This will be cross-posted as always to AO3 so please feel free to head over and give this a kudos or a comment.

Title: Mend this Porcelain Heart of Mine

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Domestic abuse, emotional abuse, some verbal abuse, and mention of an eating disorder.  Please take care if these are triggers for you.

Broken heart one more time Pick yourself up Why even cry? Broken pieces in your hands Wonder how you'll make it whole

You know you pray This can't be the way You cry, you say Something's got to change And mend this porcelain heart of mine...

There could only be so many cracks in a porcelain figure that cannot be repaired, the pain remaining the same.

It would take just one more slap, one more kick, one more vicious insult for her to shatter into a million pieces.  It had taken hollow words, tearful apologies and countless soft caresses to tape over those broken parts of her, over and over again.

He would go too far one day, when he would not hold back, when he would unleash the strength of his hatred upon her and her life may come to a singular, violent end.

He had beaten her before, when he was not happy with the meals she cooked or if she had been on the phone to friends, or if she passed in front of the television when he was watching sports.  Every little thing she did or said was picked apart until she was almost afraid to breathe for fear of provoking him.

She could never eat in front of him, for she chewed too loud and needed to lose weight anyway, in his mind, so she believed him, often going to bed hungry and skipping meals to try and conform to the ideals of beauty that he wanted.  

He was close to convincing her to quit her job so she could stay at home and he could focus on his own career, that her place was in the home and that she belonged to him and only him.  It had come to a point where she did not even look up while they were out with the constant fear of meeting another man's eyes and be accused of wanting to cheat on him.

He would constantly check her phone, accuse her of deleting messages, and stalk her social media pages to make sure that she would not even like photos or posts from other male friends.

One night, he had pressed her phone so hard against the side of her head that the bones in her ear were thrumming for hours after launching into a tirade about a supposed conversation she had with a colleague from work, his hand yanking sharply at her hair to punctuate his meaning, "You're so fucking sly.  I know your game, you little slut.  You were talking to him again, weren't you?  I know your expressions, you can't hide a goddamn thing from me, you little bitch.  Next time, I won't be so kind.  I'll break every fucking bone in your body, you understand?"

All she could do was whimper, "Yes, Jake."

What followed was a swift backhand and she had fallen to the ground.  "Now stay down there where you belong.  You're nothing without me, and it's about time you realised that."

It would be so easy just to take such things, to accept them as the truth.  It would be so easy to just believe him, that she was nothing, and that she had been flirting with her eyes all the time, that she gave out this vibe that she was going to sleep with every man she came into contact with.  It would be so easy to starve herself, to make herself ill, just to fit into that impossible mould of feminine beauty that did not even exist.  It would be so easy to distrust her own mind that was screaming that he was wrong, that she did everything for him, had given up so much for him and yet it was never enough.

It would be so easy to just let him murder her...

"No one misses you.  No one even looks for you at those fucking parties you like so much.  No one would miss you at work.  Just look at the state of you, with no fucking talent.  I'm the only person who knows what you're worth.  You're nothing without me..."

Nothing... nothing... nothing...

But tonight, when he had lunged at her in a drunken rage, hands reaching for her throat, calling her a cheating whore, that the man whose music she had been listening to was a lowlife bastard with a stupid band and no talent, that the decision flooded to life like a switch being flicked, bringing reason back to her beaten, downtrodden mind.

I don't have to take this...

I can fight this...

I am not nothing...

I have to run...

I have to live...

The momentum of her moving away just out of his reach almost sends her falling backwards, but in a surprising agile move, she had turned away from him immediately, the flight instinct kicking in strongly, knocking over a standing lamp to make an extra obstacle for him to traverse, dashing for the apartment door, having some sense to grab her car keys and phone from the hall table, her hands slick with sweat almost sliding off the door knob.

In a moment of sheer panic, she almost thought she was trapped when his heavy footsteps advanced towards her, but a single turn and she had thrust herself out into the corridor, running as fast as she can for the stairwell, not even daring to look back, his voice echoing after her, "Get the fuck back here!  Get back here, you little bitch!  You're mine!  Get back here, right now!"

She almost trips over her own feet as she descends the four flights to the ground floor, racing with all speed to her car, hands shaking so much that she almost drops the keys, opening the door and sitting in, turning the ignition on.

All the while, she looks in the rearview mirror to check that she hadn't been pursued, the icy fear that he could very well catch her and drag her back inside ever present.

The car engine roars to life and she pulls out rather recklessly out of the complex parking lot, not even paying attention to the speed limit or the direction she was taking until she was certain that he had not followed her.

It is at least ten minutes before she is even calm enough to think clearly, tears streaming down her cheeks, as the next gas station comes into view on the long, deserted road like a welcome beacon.

Slowly, she turns the car into the small parking lot round the back, switching the engine off and sitting still for a long moment where the only sound was her laboured breathing, before she covers her face and gives into the utter despair and shock that she had escaped her abuser with her life.

Her phone lies on the passenger seat, the screen coming to life with messages, one after another, all commanding her to come back, that they could talk, work it out.

But she knew there was no turning back.  If she even set foot in that apartment again, he would either take her in again with more meaningless apologies, or he would wring her neck and leave her for dead.

Never before had she felt so alone, having not confided in any of her friends, having been completely cut off from those she cared for, both in work and in her personal life.  Jake had skilfully weaved a complex web of lies that made her believe that she did not need her friends, that she only needed him.  It had been a devious manipulation from the beginning where she was nonethewiser, having been so in love and hardly believing that a man like Jake would never notice a girl like her.

The man he had accused her of having an affair with the most often, and whose cover album she had been listening to that night had been one of the few friends she had done her utmost to stay in touch with, despite Jake's best efforts to keep them separated.  

If she lost everything else in her life, she could not lose her friendship with Danny.

Sweet, kind, steadfast Danny...

Her thoughts come to a singular focus now on him, and her heart begins to ache painfully, knowing that he was her only hope now.  His kindness and warm caring had been her touchstones through the violence and mental anguish, where she would listen to one of the more quiet tracks from 'Under the Covers', hear his voice and instantly begin to remember how to breathe again.

She had not told him anything about the abuse, or what Jake had been accusing her of pertaining specifically to him, but now she felt that it was time to reach out to Dan, because she needed him so badly.

It was just after nine in the evening as she sat in the gas station parking lot, darting frantic looks as any other car passes by, dialling his number with shaking fingers, listening to the steady ringing sound before he picks up, "Hello?"

All of a sudden, at the sound of his greeting, the gentle cadence of his voice that was a literal godsend, she cannot speak.

"Hello?"

All she can manage is a hitched intake of air.

"Hey... it's you, isn't it?  Are you okay?  What's wrong?"

His name is a rushed exhale, voice cracking and tremulous on those two syllables, "Danny..."

"Yeah, I'm here.  I'm here... tell me what's wrong, you sound... I've never heard you like this, ever."

Vision swimming with tears, she mumbles, "I... I... he tried to... I had to... he wanted to kill me, and I... I couldn't..."

A sharpness rises in his tone, mixed with urgency, "Woah, woah, slow down.  Who wanted to kill you?  What is going on?"

"Jake... he... he wanted to hurt me again... he nearly attacked me, I had to run, I had to get away... and now I'm here in my car and I am so frightened and I just... I just... I don't know what to do... I don't know where to go, I'm just stuck and I can't... I can't..."

Dan's voice becomes quite loud, "Oh my God... are you hurt?  Did you say you're in your car?  Is he still there?  Where are you?"

She manages to breathe quite deeply, doing her utmost to remain calm and not cause him any undue worry, "No, no, I'm fine.  He almost grabbed me and I don't know what he would have done.  I just ran away, got to my car and just drove as fast and as far away as I could.  I'm behind a gas station miles away, he didn't follow me.  I had to leave, he was going to kill me... I can't... I can't... please... please, help me, Danny, please..."

"Slow down, slow down.  Listen, just take a deep breath.  Just breathe, you're okay.  Let me think for a second..."

She can hear Dan's footsteps, as if he was pacing about and she can only imagine how agitated he was and it was all her fault.  She just had to drag him into this, she couldn't have just gone on alone...

She does as he asks, leaning forward until her forehead is resting on the steering wheel, willing her brain to stop firing on all cylinders, to be calm and to let Dan help her rather than become hysterical.

"Where are you?"

On the drive, she had not paid any attention to roadsigns or any landmarks, so she admits quietly, "I don't know, I just kept driving.  A few miles from the apartment, I think?"

"Stay there, let me come to you."

The guilt floods her in a rush, "No, please.  I can't have you coming out in the middle of the night."

"I'm already out the door, so I'm doing this."

She sniffs, wiping her cheek with her sleeve, "Okay..."

"Send me a Google maps or one of those map pin things to let me know where you are.  Don't get out of your car until you see me, okay?"

"Okay, I'll do that."

"I'll be there as soon as I can, sweetheart, okay?  I'm on my way, I'll be right with you.  Stay in your car, I'm on the way."

She can only manage one more 'Okay' before she has to hang up, quickly dropping a location pin on Google maps and sending it to him, clutching her phone tight like a lifeline and praying for him to get to her soon.

Twenty minutes later...

The headlights of an approaching car make her freeze, having been a tightly coiled spring ever since ending the previous phonecall, but as soon as they are switched off and the driver exits, the wild halo of curls and tall, lean figure are unmistakeable.

He steps towards the car, ducking down slightly to peer through the windscreen at her, his eyes wide and his lips mouthing her name.

Her movements are almost in slow motion as she pushes open her own door, stepping out and saying his name with such desperation, "/Danny/..."

She does not make it three steps before he sprints over to her, arms open wide and catches her in a strong, clumsy hug as all her strength fails and she sags against him, clinging on as if her very life depended upon it.

Luckily, they are close to a side wall of the gas station as he leans back and slightly to the left, lowering himself down to the ground, holding her against him, rocking her gently and murmuring her name over and over.

"You're safe... you're safe... no one is going to hurt you... you're safe, sweetheart... I'm here, ssshhhh..."

Her sobs are loud and unrestrained as she buries her face in his chest, pouring out all the pain that she had endured for so long, hands trying to find purchase in the material of his jacket, needing his stability, his comfort, this safe haven.

After several minutes of weeping and having Dan gently stroke down her hair, when she quietens down, she allows Dan to help her to her feet, and she leans against him as they walk to his car.

As they pull up in front of Dan's house, her phone had not stopped vibrating with missed calls and messages, which they both elected to not acknowledge.

He reaches for her phone and decisively switches it off, throwing it rather sharply into the glove compartment and shutting it with a snap that makes her jump.

He immediately looks over at her with a sorrowful expression, "Shit... sorry.  I didn't mean to scare you..."

"No, it's okay."  Her heart thumping loudly in her ears told a different story but she attempts to give him a smile, despite her prickling nerves.

"I just... he wouldn't leave you alone and it pissed me off... sorry..."  Resting his head back against the seat, he breathes slowly, eyes shut.

The silence becomes quite awkward now as she stares downwards, wringing her hands, clenching tightly and untwisting her fingers, feeling utter shame at how low she had come to before realising that she could have just left him.

She hears Dan whisper her name and she looks over with large eyes glimmering with unshed tears, "Let's get inside, okay?"

Nodding, she opens the passenger door, following him with her head bowed, looking back over her shoulder with still some measure of paranoia, that somehow Jake could track her phone or her smell like a bloodhound, that he would find her and drag her back.

She manages to keep all that worry well hidden as Dan leads her into his house with one hand on her back, locking the door and sliding the security chain across.

"There.  No one is getting in here."

She nods, that small measure of relief quite strong.

"Take a seat, make yourself at home."

He gestures to the sitting room and she makes her way to the sofa, sitting on the edge, fiddling with her sleeves, doing her best to breathe steadily, that lingering fear still present despite being in Dan's home where she was safe.

After a few minutes, Dan returns from the kitchen with a plate and a mug in hand, setting them down in front of her on the coffee table.

She glances over, and notices that it is a grilled cheese sandwich cut into four triangles, a knife and fork beside it and the mug is filled with tea.

"There wasn't much in my fridge, I just whipped up what I could, but grilled cheese is always a winner in my book."

Dan sits beside her with a soft smile, tucking one leg under his knee and resting his elbow on the back of the sofa, but still keeping a small space between them.

Instantly, her mind goes into overdrive about calorie content and not being able to exercise to burn the fat, but her exterior is quite calm.  She smiles, saying politely, "Thank you, but I'm not hungry, I'm sorry you went to this trouble."

Dan tips his head to one side, giving her a firm look, "I heard your stomach growl on the way over."

"Still... I'm not hungry."

He was being so kind, but she didn't deserve it.  She had already brought him out in the middle of the night and now she was going to eat his food.  She didn't deserve it...

Dan frowns, "You've had a shock, you have been running on adrenaline all night and you need to keep your strength up."

She is close to snapping at him, restraining herself to say in a tight voice, "I told you that I'm not hungry."

She did not want to have this argument, to make up an excuse that she had no appetite when she was actually starving, that if he had a piece of fruit that she would prefer it instead, having gone without dinner to reach Jake's goal weight to be finally deemed perfect in his eyes.

But she knew deep down that even a healthy choice would fill her with guilt, so low had her self esteem become.

Dan blinks quite fast, his voice cracking, "You look so pale and you're shaking.  Please... why won't you eat?"

"I don't want to be fat."

The words spoken in a rushed whisper hang in the air and the shock on Dan's face cuts deeper than any blade.

He shakes his head several times, saying so softly, "Listen to me... you are not going to be fat.  You need to be healthy and not become ill.  You can't hurt yourself this way..."

Dipping her head, white hot shame coursing through her, she smothers a whimper, knowing that he was right, but she just couldn't bring herself to even look at the sandwich on the plate, the fear of weight gain hanging over her like the sword of Damocles.

There is a clink of cutlery against the plate and she brings herself to look up again, watching as Dan cuts a small section of one of the triangles, putting it on the fork and raising it up between them.

"Please... just one piece?  For me, please?"

His eyes are soulful, full of tears and the fact that he had to beg her to eat was more than she could bear.

Obediently, after much mental anguish, she manages to lean forward, opening her mouth with great reluctance, and he gently feeds her the piece of the sandwich, tilting her chin up with his index finger as he lifts the fork out and away from her mouth.

That simple contact almost made her tremble, but she does not let on.

She chews slowly, feeling the crunchy and soft textures along with the firework explosion of flavour on her tongue as she swallows thickly, the food making its way into her empty stomach and she lets out a contented sigh as Dan visibly brightens with relief.

"Better?"

"Yes... I will eat the rest.  You were right, I am really hungry... I'm sorry for lying..."

"Don't apologise, it's okay.  Just don't make yourself sick."

"I won't.  Thank you..."

Dan nods, standing up and making his way back to the kitchen in order to give her some privacy, for which she was extremely grateful.

Picking up the knife and fork, she cuts the rest of the sandwich up and eats it slowly, despite wanting to cram it all into her mouth, humming in pleasure, almost embarassed at reacting in such a way, since it was only an ordinary grilled cheese sandwich and not a gourmet meal.  

But the fact that Dan had made it, that he had wanted to make her strong again after he being so beaten down, it filled her up with energy and nourishment on so many levels.

She takes several large swallows of tea, not even caring to ask if he had put sugar or skimmed milk in it, only wanting to drink it down.

Feeling warm and pleasantly full, she allows herself to lie down on the sofa with a cushion beneath her head, sense beginning to unwind, sleep creeping into slowly but surely.

She hears Dan's footsteps approaching, and he leans down, saying quietly, "Tired?"

"Yeah..."

"Come on, you can sleep in my bed tonight."

This was too much.  He had rescued her in the middle of nowhere, made her food and now he was offering her his bed.

"Dan..."

"I insist.  My house, my rules.  You deserve a good rest and my bed happens to be super comfortable and comically large."

Not having the strength to argue, she nods in silent agreement, following him to the bedroom, pushing any wayward romantic thoughts from her mind.

"You can borrow a shirt if you want, just so you're not sleeping in your clothes.  I know how uncomfortable that can be sometimes."

"Okay, thank you."

Searching through his drawers, she comes across a 'Rush' band t-shirt that she had admired previously, which had been her first introduction to the band he loved so much, remembering when he had made her a playlist of his favourite songs, which was quite lengthy and had been the greatest solace during Jake's torrent of abuse apart from his own music.

The shirt is like a dress on her and that feeling of safety is increased even more.

There is a quiet knocking at the door, followed by Dan asking through the door, "You okay?"

She hurriedly folds her clothes and goes over the the bed, getting under the covers, and lying on her side, facing the door, calling out, "Yes, I'm fine."

"Is it okay if I come in?"

"Yes."

Dan peeks his head in the door, "You were able to find something?"

She nods, pushing the blankets down a little bit and he chuckles as he recognises the logo, "Good choice."

A pause.

"So... I'll just say goodnight."

Disappointment floods her suddenly, and she inquires quite innocently, "You're not sleeping in here?"

"No, the couch will be fine."

Raising an eyebrow, she raises herself up onto one elbow, "Dan, you are hardly going to fit on that couch.  I know you are tall."

Dan looks aghast, "I'm... tall?  Say it isn't so."

Shaking her head with a smile, she says quite softly, "I've imposed enough on you.  I am not depriving you of this large bed or a good night's sleep.  I'd feel bad..."

Dan huffs a sigh, "Well... I didn't want to... like, make you uncomfortable, and I thought that you maybe wanted to have some space, that's all.  But... you'd like to share the bed?"

Rather than giving him a word answer, she shifts back until there is enough space for him to lie down in front of her, stretching her arm across the mattress and patting the space several times, with no hint of longing or flirtation, only a want for him to sleep comfortably.

Dan gives in with a quiet chuckle, "I'll just get the lights."

Turning over onto her opposite side, her back to him now, she closes her eyes just as the lights are flicked off, listening to the sound of rustling clothing and shoes being discarded, feeling the mattress dip slightly as Dan crawls into bed behind her, lifting the blankets and getting under the covers with her.

Still, she does not move, very aware of her own breathing and pulse thundering in her ears.

"I... I tend to sleep with my shirt off... good old California weather, but I can put something on, if you..."

"No, it's fine... it's pretty warm this time of year."

"Okay.  Well... goodnight."

"Goodnight."

A pause.

She hears Dan say her name once again and she makes a quiet sound of inquiry, "Just one last thing, that I sometimes toss and turn in my sleep, so if I am moving too much, just nudge me and I'll stop."

"Okay."

A pause.

"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

Grateful for the darkness so he cannot see her obvious blushing, she asks shyly, "Can we... I mean... I'd like to hold your hand..."

"My hand?"

"Yeah... just to know that you're there."

Way to sound so pathetic...

"Sure... just let me... I'm just going to move up behind you... and put my arm around you..."

His arm comes around her waist, his hand coming to rest lightly on her belly, the warmth radiating outwards from his palm that makes her shudder pleasantly as he holds her securely against his chest, stretching out so they can easily spoon together.

Tentatively, she covers his hand, sliding her fingers in between his and holding as tight as she could, his fingers curling inwards in response.

Her eyes flutter closed as he presses a light kiss to her hair, just above her temple, his breathing stirring the strands close to her ear, before he begins a gentle humming of a melody that she cannot place, but is not unlike a soft lullaby.

Just let me stay here... let me stay here with you, please... please, just let me stay...

More than anything, she wanted to look into his eyes, to lose herself in them, and tell him everything that she had been too afraid to even express in a phonecall or a text, when her abusive partner had threatened to break her phone if she ever spoke to him.

But Jake wasn't here anymore.  She was with Danny, and all was right in the world.

Carefully turning over in his arms until she is laying on her back, she gazes up at Dan, finding that their faces were much closer together than she had predicted, and his hitched breath gusts against her lips as their eyes meet, even in the dark of the bedroom, she knows without question that he was looking straight at her.

Without even thinking, she inclines her head upwards those last few inches to gently kiss the corner of his mouth, wanting in some small way to thank him for everything he had done tonight that she could not express in mere words.

Before she can move her head back down again, Dan has turned his face more towards her and their lips brush together featherly light, the sensation making her heart knock loudly in her ears while Dan shifts closer, their legs sliding against each other as he presses along the entire length of her body, wrapping her up in his embrace and the tangle of blankets, nuzzling her nose with a quiet murmur, "You're so beautiful..."

Not giving her a chance to reply, he has leaned down for a soft kiss, catching her lower lip and making her back arch with a needy sound, tilting his head and pecking her lips gently once again, dotting kisses across her cheeks and her nose before gently kissing her once more, still so softly.

Not simply content to just lie there, she slowly slides her hand up the side of his neck, weaving her fingers through the soft, thick curls, cupping his cheek and responding with shy eagerness.

When they draw apart from air, Dan lets out a breathless chuckle, "Wow... that was... wow."

She cannot help but giggle at his lack of vocabulary, hardly blaming him as her own mind was still cloudy after such sweet kisses, still playing with his hair while looking up at him with doe eyes.

"You're okay?"

"Yes... more than okay, now."

"Good.  I don't want to rush things, like... you've had a fucking terrible time and you need to be taken care of, and I want to do that for you.  I mean, if that's what you want?"

Swallowing thickly past the lump in her throat, she manages to whisper, "That's all I want.  I just want you..."

Dan appears to be quite moved at this, raising his hands to gently cup her face, holding her in place so they can keep that steady, intense eye contact, "I'm here, if you need me.  Tonight and for as long as you need, okay?  I'll take care of you however you want and nothing is going to change that."

"You promise?"  Her voice cracks with emotion, as Dan leans down to kiss her lips, murmuring, "I promise, baby... I promise..."

Leaning their foreheads together, he says gently, "I think we should sleep now.  You've had a long night."

As much as she wanted to stay up all night with him, she lets out a quiet yawn, rubbing her eyes.  "Okay..."

"I'll be right here beside you, okay, sweetheart?"

"Okay... thank you."

"No problem.  Just rest now.  I've got you and you're safe."

The thought that she loved him crossed her mind, but remained unspoken for now, even as he returned to spooning her, nuzzling his face into her neck after giving her one last kiss goodnight, their hands finding each other and dovetailing together.

This must be what a safe haven felt like: she never thought it could ever exist again for her, but here it was in his arms, loving her back to life.

[massielandnetwork]

Navigating an Historic Period - Economic Bubble and Anarchy 25. When Dementia Replaces Meritocracy – Hope is not a Real Plan

Consistent with the current administration applying one set of laws for Democrats and another for everyone else, Tumblr has demonstrated their opposition to our Constitutional Freedom of Speech by shadow banning this blog.  While I arrange to shift to another venue;

Please email me at nmassie @ grantmassie.com and I will email my blog directly to you while we shift. 

Let me know if you also want to receive the previous two weeks blogs.

Encourage anyone on Tumblr to delete their account.

May Tumblr join the others that Go Woke, Go Broke.

Symbolic of his administration, Biden fell off his bike while on vacation as the Texas GOP was passing a resolution containing the following sentence:

“We reject the certified results of the 2020 Presidential election, and we hold that acting President Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. was not legitimately elected by the people of the United States.”

Courage showed up in Texas.  Courage begets courage and will add to the efforts in multiple states regarding the fraudulent 2020 Election.  Never have I witnessed a minority, the self-identified “Elites”, so out of step with the majority of Americans.  Even Democratic pundits and comedians are beginning to call attention to the divide.  Obviously the “Elites” do not understand the depth of the feeling of absolute, total disgust toward them that is held by the majority of Americans.  I do not know when or how, but I am confident this condition will change.

Meanwhile, it is fascinating to watch the mentally ill folks in leadership positions of the Biden administration operate in their self-created delusional world that is so totally opposite to reality.  Is America re-learning that it is bad to put mentally ill people in leadership positions because they lack the ability to make good decisions?  One can only hope and pray.

Here are some data points that I believe are related:

Representative Marjorie Greene is being stalked by 51-year-old man on the staff of a Democrat also in Congress and the Justice Department refuses to do anything.

The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court has stated he wants an investigation of the leak of the draft opinion regarding the abortion case, but not only has nothing been done he has also failed to protect the five conservative Supreme Court Justices and their families who are being harassed by the pro-abortion lobby.

Americans are being held in a D. C. equivalent of Gitmo for being in DC on January 6. One has died while in captivity.  Almost none have come to trial.  Is this America?

From listening to Chairman Powell and reading the press release of The Fed, my interpretation is that The Fed’s Plan is full of Hope:

The Fed “Hopes” a soft landing will be the result of their raising short term interest rates (the Federal Funds Rate) during this year to about 4.0% to reduce the demand side of the Supply – Demand equation.

The Fed “Hopes” not too many Americans lose their jobs (do not worry, The Fed employees will not lose theirs).

The Fed “Hopes” the bond market will see these anti-inflation efforts and continue investing in 10 Year Treasures at interest rates below the current annual rate of inflation.

The Fed “Hopes” this combination will cool inflation to around 4% by the end of 2022.

Meanwhile, in the real world, the American consumer is shifting their pattern of spending their money to focus on the necessities such as food and gas.  The statistics from the new housing industry reflect the impact of both the dramatically higher 30-year fixed mortgage rates (3% in February and 6% now) and the lack of residential lots. 

New housing participants are moving to creative mortgage plans and homebuilders are rationing monthly home sales in an effort to prolong the new home construction industry.  Conversations with industry decision makers center around the problems they are having with their bankers who are demanding more capital in deals because of pressure they are getting from the Federal bank regulators.  As a result, the real estate industry is beginning to hunker down which will increase the recessionary forces into our economy.

Few data points are being released about the Chinese residential development market.  Rumors are flying the China Evergrande Group is about to experience a stock price of ZERO and be followed by all of the non-government owned developers in China.  Since American banks and investment houses such as Blackrock have been so active in China, it could easily be that they have large investments and loans with those entities.  When the collapse of the Chinese real estate developers occur, the ripple effects will course through China but also America.

To monitor the trends, watch the action in the 10 Year Treasury market.  Recently those rates have soared from approximately 2.75% to approximately 3.5% lifting mortgage rates from 5.25% to 6%.   Ten days ago, I heard one market participant express his belief that the 10 Year Treasuries will hit 5.5% later this year (mortgage rates around 7%). 

Instead of relying on The Fed’s “Hope”, I suggest you pray hard and tie yourself to the mast of our rudderless little sailboat that is headed into the Bermuda Triangle during a Cat 5 hurricane.   Also please pray:

That God exercises his control over our government at all levels.

For the 595 surviving Americans being held as political prisoners by Biden and the Demented Marxists in hell hole conditions in the DC Gulag.  

For honest elections because without them we are not free.

For the valiant Ukrainians.

Let’s Go Brandon!

“So they called them and ordered them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus.  But Peter and John answered them “Whether it is right in God’s sight to listen to you rather than to God, you must judge; for we cannot keep from speaking about what we have seen and heard”.”

(Acts 4:18-20)   New Revised Standard Version, Oxford University Press)

Stay healthy,

Ned 

June 22, 2022         

Copyright Massie Land Network.  All rights Reserved.

[hymn2000]

Freeze - MCU AU Fanfic - C24

Previous chapter(s): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23

Story synopsis:- When a burst gas main destroys everything and leaves Peter with nothing, the Stark’s take him in. Thrown together by necessity, they then need to try to keep it together and build a new life. Devastated by loss, Peter doesn’t make things easy for them, and Loki and Tony struggle with their own grief and the responsibility of having someone completely dependant on them.

Chapter description:- Peter finally sees Ned again for the first time since the funeral

Story warnings/themes: character death, hurt/comfort, trauma, grief, depression/mental health issues, bullying, corporal punishment

Relationships: Frostiron (Loki x Tony) (romantic), Tony and Peter (platonic), Loki and Peter (platonic)

From the same AU as Called To Be A Rock

Chapter 24 - Lost

-

Tony gave Peter’s hand a squeeze.

“What are you smiling about?”

Peter shrugged, turning the kettle on.

“Did you have a good night then?”

Peter nodded.

“Good. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself”

“Dad... Um, am I allowed to go out on Sunday?”

Tony looked at him. “Go out where?”

“Just, just out, yknow. I’ve asked Ned to meet me. I haven’t seen him since January” 

“Oh yes. Oh. Yes, of course” Tony gave him a quick hug. “I’ve got to go out tomorrow. Work stuff” 

“Oh”

“Would you like to come with me? Or do you want to stay here?”

“Oh. Um” Peter looked away, grabbing the kettle and pouring water into his mug. “Well. I’m quite tired”

“Ok. I’ll call Thor to come and keep an eye on you”

“I don’t need him to look after me” Peter said. “I’ll be fine on my own”

Tony wasn’t so sure, but he didn’t say. “Take your drink to bed with you, sweetheart. It’s starting to get late” 

-

Peter was up extra early on Sunday morning, even though he wasn’t meeting Ned till 10am, and the cafe was only five minutes away. He’d known Ned for years, but now that he was finally seeing him again, he felt absolutely terrified. What if Ned didn’t like him anymore? What if he thought him weird now? What if he’d changed too much? What if he couldn’t speak when he saw him? There were so many what-ifs to worry about. 

-

Peter was too nervous to eat. He was shaking, and Tony was concerned. He left his piles of paperwork and felt the boys forehead.

“Are you sure you’re up to going up? You’re very warm. I think you might have a fever”

“I-I-I’m just nervous...”

“You’re shaking. Really shaking. Are you sure you’re ok?”

“...I’m sorry-!”

He rushed from the room.

-

Tony sat Peter on his lap and helped him sip a glass of water.

“Poor little spider-boy” he said. “I think we need to get you back to bed”

“No! No, I’ve gotta go, I’ve gotta go and see Ned!”

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea. You’re hot, you’re shaking, you’ve been sick. You’re not well enough to go out”

“It’s just nerves! I’ve gotta go, I haven’t seen him for so long! Please let me go!”

Tony looked into his tearful eyes, and against his better judgement, he let him go.

-

Peter couldn’t stop shaking. He tried to focus on calming his breathing, his eyes darting around. Something caught his eye, and he looked up properly. Someone was looking at him - someone he knew. 

“NED!!”

Peter ran and threw his arms round Ned’s neck. Ned was taken aback, a little surprised and confused by his reaction. He hugged him back awkwardly.

“Aww, I missed you too” he said. “Uh, Peter, you’re kinda crushing me”

Peter moved back, and Ned finally got to look at him properly. He looked different. He seemed smaller, and he was definitely paler - but it was the clothes that were the most obvious difference. He was used to seeing him in normal jumpers, trousers, and trainers. That wasn’t what he was wearing today. He had on smart black jeans, a white t-shirt, and black blazer, with his duffel coat over the top, open so that his outfit was on show. It was a chilly day, so he had a thin black scarf round his neck. He was wearing matte black Doc Marten boots, and a silver watch adorned his wrist.

“Ned?” Peter said, unnerved by Ned’s staring.

“Sorry. It’s just, you look... different. Your clothes...”

Peter glanced down at himself. “Well, dad- uh, Mr Stark buys all my clothes now. I lost most of my old clothes in the accident, y’know, and it’s easier to let him choose really”

“Yeah... It’s- it’s good to see you’re being looked after. I’ve been worried about you”

Peter looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry... I’m sorry I’ve been so bad at keeping in touch. It’s been... Well, it’s been a tough few months”

Ned nodded, and glanced at the cafe. “Should we go in? We could get a coffee and talk”

“Good idea”

-

Ned felt like he was with a stranger. He’d always thought he’d known Peter inside and out, and that they’d always be friends - but now he wasn’t so sure. He knew Peter would change, he knew that he had changed - he just didn’t realise just how much. 

“Have you been ill? You look... small”

“Oh. Um, not exactly. I lost a lot of weight after the accident. I’m still trying to put it back on”

“How much did you loose?”

Peter shrugged one shoulder, looking uncomfortable. “About a stone. Maybe a bit more”

“But you’re putting it back on?”

“Yeah, I mean, that first school I got sent to was, well, uh, some real bad stuff happened, and that didn’t help. But this new school is going better, and I’ve got my appetite back, so...”

There was a silence. Peter could feel his heart thumping. 

“What happened?”

Peter swallowed hard. “I’ve, um, I’ve got... pictures. The doctor said he needed them for the records, so he used my phone and emailed them to himself. Mr-Mr Stark told me to delete them, but I never quite got round to it”

“Pictures of what? Peter, what happened?”

“It was just, y’know, bullying. There was this boy who was kinda in charge, and everyone got in on it. They enjoyed it. I didn’t bother telling anyone about it, but then he just, well, the school called and it all came out in the office” he said, unlocking his phone and scrolling through his camera roll. He stopped and handed the phone to Ned. “So they took me out, and then sent me to the school I’m at now. Sorry, I know these are horrible, but I’d rather not talk about everything they did to me. I’m still having nightmares, still trying to forget, yknow?”

Ned stared at him, and reluctantly took the phone. He clicked a picture to enlarge it, and was overcome with nausea. He took a deep breath as he flicked through the photos. He decided he didn’t want to know the full story. It looked like a case study from The Bill. 

“That isn’t bullying” he said, handing the phone back. “That’s violence”

“That’s what dad said” he said, frowning and putting the phone back in his pocket.

“Why did you let them do it? I mean, you’re-” he lowered his voice. “You’re Spiderman”

“I think I was sent before I was ready. It started on my first day, and it just kinda, well, I was seriously messed up, because of what happened with the flat, and this just kinda completely wrecked my mental health. Plus, resistance made it worse” he shook his head, as though shaking away the memories. “Anyway, that’s in the past now. It’s history; it doesn’t matter anymore”

“But I’ve seen how strong you are...”

“I think... I think you need to be strong mentally to be strong physically. I mean, like, after the explosion, when I woke up, I couldn’t get all the stuff off me. I haven’t been strong, so I can’t be strong. Do you understand?”

“Not really” he looked down at his coffee. “You’ve changed”

Peter looked down at his own mug. "I know. I tried to stay the same, but everything changed anyway. I didn't even really notice it happening. I’ve been having a tough time and I couldn’t really focus on my behaviour"

"I'm confused. Because you look like you, but you don't look like you" 

Peter swallowed hard. His heart was thumping, and those silly tears were in his eyes again.

"Are you disappointed?" 

Ned was quiet for a moment. "I just feel like I don't know you. You're not the kid who sat with me in every lesson and got excited about lego kits..." 

"I still like lego" Peter said dumbly. 

"I don't think that's really the point" 

Peter didn't know what to say. He'd thought that as soon as they got together, it would be as though they'd never been parted. They were best friends - so why was this so horrible and difficult? His fear that he'd changed too much and that Ned no longer liked him was starting to feel a bit too real. 

"How's school?" he asked, changing the subject. 

"Same as always, really" Ned said. "Flash is quieter now, not so in-your-face. Quiz team is still going strong. It's different without you, though" 

"But you're doing ok?" 

"Yeah. What about you? What's private school like?" 

"Weird" Peter said. "They've all grown up in a completely different world. I'm still getting used to it, yknow, the cultural differences, and trying to behave how they expect me to. But it's ok" 

"You have to wear a uniform, don't you?" 

"Yeah, but you get used to it pretty quick. It cost a fortune though. Mr Stark is kinda strict about it and I have to take it off as soon as I get home. I haven't ruined it yet, but I suppose there's time" 

"I'm glad I don't have to wear a uniform" Ned said. "What are the other kids like?" 

"They're ok, mostly. There's one girl who hates me and this boy - he's her cousin - he teases me a bit, mainly in PE. But everyone else is ok. My Big Sister is nice-" 

"Big sister?" 

"Oh. Uh, it's kinda like a mentor scheme. Ish. She's just the older girl who showed me around and looked after me in my first week, and I still see her twice a week. She looks out for me. Because I started in the middle of term" 

"Oh" 

Peter swallowed. "I've got friends there. I've got my girls: Millie and Macy and Flo. I was at Millie's on Friday evening, actually. And then there's Malaki. He's not really friends with the girls so he's mainly my friend in PE and stuff. He's nice. They're all nice" 

"The Peter I know wouldn't have been able to so much as look at a girl, let alone befriend three of them" 

"Well, it's a different world" Peter said awkwardly. "They kinda befriended me. They came up to me and took me under their wing, as it were, and I've been with them ever since" 

"Are they posh?" 

"Yes. Millie's house is ridiculous. Macy isn't as posh, but she's still quite posh. She's feistier than the other two. I know you're not supposed to have favourites, but I think she's mine anyway" 

"So what do they look like?" Ned asked.

"Um, I've got some photos from the other night. Selfies, yknow. Flo kept nicking my phone" 

He took his phone out of his pocket and found a photo, passing it to Ned. It was one of the best ones, showing all four of them. Peter pointed out who was who. Ned was surprised to find that the girls were pretty, and even more surprised to see how comfortable the four of them seemed together. They definitely liked Peter. 

"They're pretty" Ned said, handing the phone back. 

"Yeah... They're good friends" he said, putting his phone away. 

"Is one of them your girlfriend?" 

Peter shook his head. "Millie's kissed me, but it was in a game of truth or dare, so I don’t think it really counts" 

Ned took a mouthful of coffee, unsure what to think.

"You really have changed" 

He looked at him, at his pale skin and his expensive clothes and the look in his eyes. It was almost as though a different soul had taken over Peter's body. Everything about him was different. Even the atmosphere around him was different. He didn't really know him any more. He found that, try as he might, he couldn't really care about anything Peter was telling him. Sure, the bullying stuff was horrible, but everything else evoked little to no emotion in him. He felt bad. This was his long-term best friend, and he'd been through some dreadful stuff and so of course he'd changed. They just needed a good topic to discuss and it'd be back to normal. 

"You could always come and meet them one day" Peter suggested. "They're always talking about going into town. They’d like you"

"Yeah... So what's home like?" 

"Hm? Oh. Different. It was weird suddenly being with the Stark's full time. Especially since they were mourning too. Still are. It was horrible at first..." Peter frowned. "It's ok now though. But Mr Loki is away. Travelling. For his health. He's been gone for about two months now. It's a bit weird without him" 

"Tony must be lonely. Is he busy? I've been following all the stuff about the new launch in the magazines. It looks so cool! Have you been helping with it?" 

"I don't really go down to the lab much anymore" 

"Why not?" 

Peter shrugged. "I don't really feel like it" 

"How can you not feel like it? That lab is amazing. You used to basically live in it" 

Peter didn't say anything. He didn't go down to the lab for the same reason he didn't get his Spiderman suit on much, or speak at school:- he was too depressed. He didn't have anything else to say on the matter. He couldn't talk about the launch, because he didn't know anything about it. He'd avoided all of Tony's work ever since the accident. 

-

The silence seemed to last forever. Peter was trying very hard not to cry, and Ned was trying very hard to think of something - anything - to say to him. Eventually, his phone buzzed with a text. 

"It's mum" he said, standing up. "I've gotta go. It was good to see you again" 

He left without a backwards glance. 

- 

Peter sat feeling numb, looking at Ned's half-empty coffee mug. He hadn't expected to spend all day with him, but he'd expected more than half an hour. He stood up, took the mugs over to the counter, and went home. 

- 

Tony was surprised to hear the door open. At first he thought it must be Thor, but disregarded that theory, as the doorbell had not been rung. He was a little concerned, as Peter hadn't even been gone an hour yet. Maybe he was feeling sick again and had had to come home. He didn't hear approaching footsteps or slamming doors. Worried, he set out to look for him. 

- 

Tony eventually found Peter at the back of the coat cupboard in the hallway, hidden behind a rack of old jackets. It was only his sniffling that gave away his position. Tony pushed the jackets aside and looked down at the boy. 

"Now, there's no room for me to sit in here as well, so are you going to let me take you upstairs?" 

Peter nodded weakly and let Tony help him up and take him upstairs. They settled down on the sofa. 

"Now" Tony said. "What's up? Are you poorly?" 

"Ned hates me!" Peter burst out, and he started sobbing. "He doesn't want to be my friend anymore!" 

"What? Oh sweetheart" he pulled him onto his lap and hugged him close. "I'm sure that's not true" 

"It is! I've changed too much and he says he doesn't know me anymore and he kept giving me weird looks and going quiet and now I wish I hadn't bothered! I hate it! I want May back! I want my old life back! I wish I'd never changed! It's not fair, it's not fair!" 

"It's been so long since you've seen each other - it's bound to be odd at first. You have changed, but there's nothing we can do about that" 

Peter buried his face in Tony's chest and howled. He'd just lost the very last part of his old life. He knew that good feeling he'd had had been too good to last. 

- 

Peter wanted to go straight back to bed, but Tony wouldn't let him. 

"It's barely midday" he said. "Why don't you put on a DVD or something?" 

Peter shook his head. "I miss Loki" 

Tony sighed. "I know, kiddo. I do too" 

"He doesn't like me anymore though. No one does" 

"Now that's not true" Tony said, giving him a squeeze. "Loki loves you, and so do I. You're like a son to us" 

"It's my fault he left" 

"What? No it's not! Don't say that" 

"It's true though. He hated me and he didn't want to put up with me" 

"That's not true" Tony said firmly. "Loki loves you. He went away because... Well, because he's poorly. He just needed space" 

"It feels like he's been gone forever"

“I know. But he’ll be back. He promised” 

Peter rested his chin on his knees.

“He will come back. Just you wait and see” Tony said, trying to convince himself as well as Peter.

Peter took Tony’s hand, looking at his engagement ring - Whitby Jet, very expensive, and very beautiful. Tony looked at it too.

“He promised”

“No one ever keeps their promises”

*

[haunthearted]

I wanted to recommend a very good website, especially to my trans, dysphoric or dissociative followers.

Gender Analysis is a very well researched, well-sourced website about the trans experience. I take whatever opportunities I can to write polite, good-faith, educational replies to people on Reddit who don't "get" trans things, and I always rely heavily on GA because whatever the topic, there will be an article filled with the original scientific papers rebutting transphobic viewpoints. It can also be useful for supporting conversations with parents/friends, because it has the primary research right there. For example, today I learnt that all the concept of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria ("my kid got a tumblr and now she says shes transgender because of peer pressure!") originated on three anti-trans websites, and despite its official-sounding name, has no research behind it. I knew that intellectually, but it's powerful to have the evidence clearly there for you.

Zinna Jones is one of the key writers there, and you may know her other work as she's been a prominent internet trans human for many years (how she has the courage and spoons for that, I will never know). One of her key experiences of gender dysphoria was depersonalisation: a weird, fuzzy, not-quite-thereness. On beginning hormones, it cleared up immediately: she had an "I didn't know what wrong felt like until I started feeling right" experience, as well you might if feeling oddly absent is your normal day-to-day experience. Because it wasn't a focus of how dysphoria was written about while she was coming up, she's done a lot of writing and research on it at Gender Analysis: describing what it felt like, researching comparable experiences in other trans narratives, and most recently trialing an anti-dissociative drug to see how it affected her.

Many of us come to ghosthood due to experiencing similar things to Jones - a not-quite-thereness, an oddness, a sense of timelessness and dislocation. Some of us very clearly associate it with trauma, a mental illness, or gender dysphoria; for others, it's just part of the fabric of life. I would like to recommend reading her posts on this particular topic to anyone who experiences something similar.

Now, if you relate to what she writes it doesn't mean you're transgender - don't panic - as varieties of depersonalisation can be a symptom of all sorts of other things - especially trauma and trauma-related conditions like BPD/CPTSD. But you might still find her descriptions useful.

On the other hand, if you are identifying as transgender and wondering if hormones are for you, you might find it validating or helpful.

(and because the world is horrible, there's no small chance that trans people are also traumatised. There's a great pair of posts that I'm sure you've already read, "That was dysphoria?" - but also her follow up, in which she re-experiences some of those symptoms as a depression.)

Finally, a recent post series explored an anti-depersonalisation drug, which you might be interested in exploring as an option for yourself. I had no idea there was such a thing!

In short, I was re-reading the archives this morning, and it occurred to me that a great many followers here might appreciate or find these posts useful. Make of them what you will, and best wishes to you all x

A tonne more thoughts after the cut:

This isn't meant to be "a trans blog", so I'm not going to focus on this too often. But certainly for me, Jones' posts really spoke to me and my experiences. I think there's a real danger in underselling how weird gender dysphoria feels. One sort of expects or assumes gender dysphoria is "I hate my breasts because I am a man"; there isn't so much written about how it can be "I'm tired, I don't really care, everything seems hollow and false, but I can't imagine life being any different because it's what I've always known, and it's not clearly anything to do with gender". That's been my experience - and it's incredibly hard to spot. I've been through six diagnoses since I was a teen (OCD, depression, anxiety, BPD, ADHD, autism), because while I've always been clearly unwell, it's hard to pinpoint gender dysphoria when it just manifests as brainweird, especially when that brainweird is you normal, as it was for Jones.   For example, I've never really recognised my own face in the mirror. Weird, but whatever. When I was considering hormones last year, I decided to take up weightlifting as part of my experimentation process. It would allow me to see how I felt about developing a more masculine body, in a controlled way, and as someone who *hates* exercise, it would also be a useful test of commitment: was I dysphoric enough to motivate me to go to the gym? Because if not, I probably was not dysphoric enough to transition either. Well, I went three times a week and followed the correct food recommendations for building muscle until I could no longer afford either; and then it happened. I looked in the mirror and it was like a visceral, immediate shock of recognition. And now I can't unsee it. Every time I look in the mirror, my brain immediately pings back "nice Robert Plant vibe you got there man", which is ridiculous; no one else on the planet would see me and think that. But that very small amount of muscle, and slightly-more-masculine-shoulder/arm-profile, was enough to make my brain recognise itself for the first time.

Sometimes you don't understand what "wrong" feels like until you have "right" to compare it to.

(I think those of us with early experience of abuse might also relate to that; the way that being loved and respected by a good person later in life can be both shocking, and bring on a period of processing and heavy reflection because it illustrates how very wrongly you were treated before. Even if you know it intellectually,  just the experience can be profound. Certainly, I've got a few experiences of not-being-taken-advantage-of which were absolutely shattering, like I was being taught how to love myself for the first time.)

And as you might expect, I'm also feeling very reluctant to pursue transition. This sort of nebulous dysphoria is, well - . I envy very much the "I knew I was trans from the moment I hit puberty because I hated the gender I was living in" people, who clearly see gender as their problem. It's very hard to contemplate something as life-changing as transition when its motivated by an increasing certainty that the only cure for my incurable mental ill is a different hormone balance, and as many days I have where I ask myself why I didn't transition 5 years ago already, I have others where I know I'll have to be dragged kicking and screaming through the process as my last resort.

Like, a few years ago I was at a "Even if I am transgender, I think I'd rather live as a woman [for reasons]" point; and now I'm at a "I would still rather live as a woman, but I am desperate to have enough disposable income to buy a really nice set of towels and maybe transition would make me well enough to not only work, but have a real career, and maybe I could buy a car, and go on holiday, and start buying tailored clothes instead of charity shop, and maybe redecorate my house in faux-Victorian style, and I really don't care if everybody hates me and I no longer have a coherently cisgender body, I would do anything to be able to afford unusual cheeses and teas rather than subsisting on stew" point. It sounds so shallow, but there it is; because so many of the problems I have don't feel dysphoria-related, because I'm only understanding them as dysphoria-related because nothing else has made an impact, my focus is increasingly on the little things in life I want to achieve, and maybe could achieve if my brainweird was fixed. I'm now fairly sure that if/when I do transition physically, I'll continue to recognise myself more, and realise how much of an impact physical dysphoria was having.

But it's what I know. And like Hamlet says, easier to bear the struggles we know than fly to others that we know not of.

Sidenote:

Intermittently, you'll see approaches which try to set up trans or mentally ill people as enemies to otherkin people, like the two experiences cannot co-exist, or like otherkin people ought to take the fall for the way transphobic use them as an anti-trans "gotcha". I personally find this very frustrating: I prefer approaches which are open, rather than closed off. Many/most of my followers here are either trans, mentally ill, have trauma, experience dysphoria or some other unspecified bodyweird/brainweird. In real life, I have four otherkin/therian/furry friends - and they too all meet that description. {There are also many otherkin who see their history as spiritual or religious, who aren't trans/mentally ill/traumatised, or who don't really know the source of their experiences - all of which is also OK!}.

I would always prefer to take a holistic and compassionate approach to the way experiences can overlap, rather than a combatative/competitive/polarised one; any hostile or fightin' talk messages/replies will be ignored, blocked or deleted as appropriate, because that's not a value I have for my online space. Although I'm open to discussing or exploring it, so please don't hold back if you want to talk about your experiences in good faith.

In short, there is a fairly significant overlap between people who come to identify as transgender/dysphoric/mentally ill, and those who come to identify as otherkin, or who might temporarily identify with one of those experiences while figuring things out  - and this post is for them. Politics makes things sound so simple and clean-cut, but people are messy and complex, and I'd much rather help individuals navigate and explore their experiences - even if they are contradictory, or don't support my political goals. Trying to figure out brainweird and bodyweird is challenging enough, without making people tread on eggshells during the process.

[a-chameleon]

Rant time...

*DISCLAIMER* I got off a 12 hour overnight at 9:30 this morning.. I’m so so tired, and so sad and in a lot of pain. Please don’t take advantage of that. I’m trusting you all with my story. My opinions are my own. This is my personal tumblr that I use as my own platform to be myself and decompress life.

I may delete this later.

PLEASE DO NOT REPEAT OR SCREEN SHOT. I AM TRUSTING YOU WITH MY STORY.

Ugh. For such a small, tight-knitted league filled with people who all want the same thing, the n*w*h*l doesn’t treat their staff all that well. I started out as an intern in the league office in nyc and I loved it. At the end of the summer they offered me a position and I was so excited to be living the dream. I worked on countless projects for them and it was great! (I have a degree in graphic design and social media management) I mean I did it all... I made posters and pamphlets and business cards. I designed pop ups signs and graphics for online. I made mockups to land sponsors, i created the season 2 jerseys, I worked on every game day poster sold. I pushed for more merch designs and stuff that I knew fans wanted to see and I took over the Ri.vs social pages. And although I was working full time hours in the office, I was only seeing a part time paycheck.. but I understood and I was greatful to be part of something.

Eventually I had to tell them that I couldn’t afford it. I was heartbroken and I cried in the office telling them that between student loans and nyc rent and food and metro card costs (because it took me 3 trains and 2 hours to get from offfice to rink) I just couldn’t make ends meet and my savings were gone. I told them I would commute to games and work remotely because I had worked hard and I really wanted this job. I loved the players I met and the game day staff and I liked working with the other teams social media people. (The Ri.vs really are a great group of people and I admire so many of them) So that’s what I did. I put my paycheck directly into my gas tank and I drove to every game- rain, snow or sunshine- because I wanted to do my job well and it made such a difference being at the games in person. And I loved it. It was a dream come true. Until I got a phone call at the end of the season saying they were taking me off payroll because of financial restraints. I was heartbroken again but I understood. I agreed to stay on covering Ri.vs social media through the summer and we would proceed on a project-invoice basis because they supposedly still wanted to use my work. I was ecstatic to get the chance to continue and make it work anyway I could.

I got a retail job and although I was now working 40 hours a week (an amazing feat when you enter in the chronic illnesses) I tried to find time to create graphics and schedule posts to keep up engagement. It was going pretty well and things normally drop off in the off season.. but it was getting rarer and rarer that any of us were getting a heads up when the n*w*h*l office announced anything. The social people were usually left blindsided, surprised and scrambling to make a post. We never knew what was going to happen. There was no communication, and then someone else started making Ri.vs posts. I was salty but now that I was working I was trying my best. I took a backseat because I didn’t know the latest news or what was happening. It has left me feeling lost and lonely and taken advantage of. I was told there would not be a paid position available... but then there were paid positions being advertised and posted on social/the website. And now I’ve been waiting for almost a month for a reply to an email asking for clarification and communication. I’m just really sad. I love the Ri.vs, I love Rosie, I love the red,white and blue, I love being their social media person, I love connecting fans and players, I love the reactions to my posts, I love creating graphics and posts. I love doing my job for a wonderful group of badass athletes who deserve the world. But I just don’t know what’s happening anymore.

[professorlaytonparallels-blog]

Villain Motivations

There’s been a lot of controversy about liking Clive recently, so I thought I’d throw my two cents in. Please feel free to reply, but please let’s keep it like the last Emmy post, where it was more like a ‘debate’ and less like an argument. The last thing I want to do is widen a rift in the a fandom. I just want to discuss a few things. I hope that’s ok. If this post does upset people, I promise I’ll delete it.

Long story short, it’s perfectly fine to hate Clive, and hope he never gets released from prison. But please be aware that there are other villains deserving of your distaste for similar reasons. Share the distaste, guys!  

Clive could easily qualify to be the most terrifying/successful/most horrible villain in the series. He kidnapped scientists. He transported civilians to Future London. He kidnapped the Prime Minister. He duped Layton and Co. He used Dimitri. He kidnapped Flora. He destroyed a good chunk of London with his mobile fortress, and I have no doubt he killed a number of innocent people. The list goes on. While his tragic backstory fuels his motivations, it by no means excuses them. The game and Clive both acknowledge that what he did was wrong, some part of him wanted Layton to stop him and he expresses the wish to atone himself by the end of the game. Grated, we never see him atone, and it’s unlikely he ever managed to atone from beyond a prison cell. The last image we see of Clive is him being led away by the police, looking very defeated. 

As people have already stated, Clive is not a good person, but he is an interesting villain. While no one should condone his actions, it’s very easy to understand them. (Most fans hate Bill Hawks.)

To me, Clive has a much better crafted motivation and backstory than Descole, Randall or Bronev. 

Yes, Descole (and Bronev’s) full stories span three games, so they need a more complex set up. But you can’t deny Descole’s character shifted between Spectre’s Call to Azran Legacy. (And I don’t just mean that he became a better person.) Remember, Descole has no hesitations about hurting people in Spectre’s Call and Eternal Diva. He kidnaps people, manipulates them, and pulls out giant robots to destroy Misthallery/Ambrosia when Layton gets the better of him. Oh, also, he throws a concrete slab at Layton - his little brother who he wanted to live a peaceful life - and almost blows him up during ED. 

Okay, Clive almost squashed Layton (the man he hoped would ‘save’ him again) when his giant robot emerged from the ground. But he never faces Layton directly or charges at him with a sword. And attacking your brother - who you gave up your name and a peaceful life for - makes less sense than attacking your idol. 

Descole takes a back seat and serves as a shadowy manipulator during Miracle Mask. The most interesting thing he does in that game is face off with Targent, which was really cool! It’s the first indicator we got that there was a deeper meaning to his evil deeds. Between Targent and Descole, I was rooting for Descole. We were introduced to Bronev, which was also interesting! He and Descole obviously have a history, and this built my anticipation for Azran Legacy. What possible twists could lie in the last game?

...Descole, disguised as Desmond, sends Layton a letter asking him to investigate an Azran mummy, then they team up to collect the Azran eggs and beat Targent together. Also, they’re brothers. 

Why the heck didn’t Desmond/Descole ask for Layton’s help in first place, to help find the Golden Garden, Amrborisa etc? Desmond obviously had a change of heart during AL, bonding with Layton and Co, so he helps stop the golems in the end. This completely excuses his past crimes and allows him to fly away in an his airship in the end. He doesn’t even give Layton an apology. 

Bronev, at least, gets arrested in the end. (After unleashing a device that could destroy the world.) Mr. Whistler gets arrested. Third-Eye Jakes gets arrested. Diane Makepeace doesn’t survive. 

Don Paolo almost destroyed St. Mystere, Layton, Luke and Flora. He stole the Elysian Box from Schrader. He also kidnapped Flora. He gets away. (Barely anyone one remembers Don Paolo, anyway.) 

Randall gets off scot-free with an apology. Oh, Descole manipulated him. SO WHY DOESN’T DESCOLE SERVE JAIL TIME? Descole or not, amnesia or not, Randall still caused a lot of damage and terror and kidnapped Angela but the MM credit scenes make it look like he didn’t even get ordered to do community service. 

Also, Arthur Cantabella is allowed to brainwash people and scar them for life, because they signed up for it, his daughter was in danger and he had a terminal illness. Darklaw kidnapped/brainwashed Espella, Layton, Luke, Maya and Phoenix.

Dimitri, desperate to save Claire, kidnapped scientists and Bill Hawks. We’re not given any indication of whether he goes to prison with Clive, but at least he acknowledges his mistakes. 

Anton pretended to be a vampire, trapped people in his castle - including Layton and Luke - and attacked Layton with a sword. Randall is excused due to memory loss, so we’ll forgive Anton due to inhaling hallucinogenic gas.  

Bill Hawks doesn’t count as a Layton villain. As far as we’re told, his motivations don’t go any further than money. He killed Claire and all those people for money. At least Clive and all the other Layton villains interact with Layton, serve a threat, get a backstory, and have reasons for what they’re doing. I’ve said before Layton villains shouldn’t be excused due to their ‘tragic’ pasts... but this has to apply to all villains. 

That’s one of the reasons I enjoy Bloom so much. He doesn’t have an excuse for being despicable, as far as we can tell, but he’s still an interesting character and gets somewhat redeemed at the end of AL. The difference between him and Bill Hawks is that he’s diabolical and doesn’t sleep for most of the game.  

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #61

“tell me pretty lies, look me in the face, tell me that you love me, even if it’s fake.”

do you believe exes think about you?   aaron, definitely not.  juan, i guess, 'cuz he talks to me sometimes.  jason, i would sure as hell hope so. are you currently frustrated with a boy / girl?   pretty sure i always will be. would you ever consider piercing your tongue?   yes.  i want the snake eyes piercing. are you a forgiving person?   i really am, usually.  give me a good reason to not forgive though, and i'm done with you. do you straighten your hair often?   not at all. what's your favorite eye color?   sapphire blue or emerald green what's your biggest physical turn off for a potential partner?   i don't really care about a lot of physical things, just please maintain your hygiene. have you ever taken a train?   no, i have not. describe your first job.   i was a sales clerk at gamestop.  i had no idea what i was doing and was thrown into the lion's den well before i was properly trained.  i cleaned and assisted customers, but i wasn't prepared for the wacky questions they always had.  i hated it. are you afraid of the dark? why or why not?   no, i'm afraid of what may be in the dark.  ex., i have no issues when my room is dark, but i'd be scared of being alone in the woods at night because i wouldn't be able to see potential dangers. who did you idolize growing up?   steve irwin, easily.  rip<3 have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive?   that... was one of my mixed reason for cutting.  i did it because it was a way to manifest my mental pain.  that, and because it reminded me i was alive, even though i didn't want to be.  i felt in control again, knowing i could control whether i lived or died.  i could go on, but i really don't feel like dwelling on this subject.  it's some morbid shit. have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone?   i have not. where is a great place to get breakfast?   mmm, ihop. have you ever sold anything online either on craigslist, ebay, amazon, etc.? if not, what is your website of choice like any of the above for buying things?   i don't believe my family has... but maybe?  and we usually use ebay or amazon to buy stuff. if the opportunity arose, would you ever go to a nude beach? do you think you’d be comfortable enough, being naked among others like that?   NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO do you think regifting is cheap, or is it okay? have you ever regifted before?   usually, no, but sometimes it can be.  it really depends on what the gift is.  and i don't recall if i ever have, but it's possible. have you ever had to “come out” to your parents about anything (sexual orientation, change in religion, etc.)? how did it go?   hmm, don't think so.  i mean i've changed religion before, but it didn't feel like "coming out" with anything if you were given the chance to decorate an entire house the way you wanted, with no limit to cost, how would you decorate it?   GOTHIC describe your favorite picture of yourself, or post it.   i miss him so much.

is there a genre of music that some people would be surprised that you enjoy?   i don't know what genre it's called, but i looove musicians like loreena mckennitt assuming you have a facebook, if one of your friends posted things that annoyed you, would you be more likely to delete them as a friend, hide their statuses, or just put up with it?   it depends on how heavily it annoyed me, how frequently they posted said issues, and how close i consider them to be. do you have any online friends?   way more than irl friends. has your favorite color changed at all from when you were younger? if so, what was your favorite when you were little?   yeah.  when i was little, my favorite color was red.  now it's maroon.  same color, yeah, different hue. what is your favorite breakfast food?   pancakes what band/celebrity/etc do you know the most information about? who would you like to learn more about?   i definitely know most about ozzy osbourne and metallica.  i'd love to know more about otep's history. have you ever had to go to therapy? for what?   i started going to therapy in the 6th grade for severe anxiety, and it only got worse from there. if you got pregnant young, would you get married to the guy who got you pregnant? for guys, if you got a girl pregnant at a young age, would you marry her?   hell no, not unless i actually loved the guy.  that's not what marriage is about. if you got pregnant young, would your parents kick you out of your house? for guys, if you got a girl pregnant young and your parents kicked you out, would you be angry at them?   no, my mom would never have kicked me out. do you feel pregnant teens should have to go to an alternate high school? do you think this would benefit them at all, or that it’s just discrimination?   ... whyyy would they go to an alternate school??? has your school ever done something terrible and wrong to you? what did they do and how did you deal with it?   i was discriminated against for my mental illness, i feel like.  my principal also treated it like a fucking joke when my problems got so bad that i had to confront him about the issue.  he didn't give a shit.  OH MY GOD YA'LL SPEAKING ABOUT MY OLD PRINCIPAL, THERE IS A MEME TRENDING AROUND FACEBOOK WITH HIM I FUCKING WHEEZED WHEN I SAW IT would your parents let your {possibly hypothetical} boyfriend stay at your house if he got kicked out of his house?   honestly, i feel like mom would.  if it was jason/someone i become as close to as him, anyway. have you ever not been allowed to hang out with your neighbor before? was it your parents or their parents that wouldn’t allow you to?   no, i've never had that issue. who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally?   jason, easily.  i gave too much to him, and i can't get it back. have you ever been used?   maybe i was, who knows.  i feel in my heart he truly did love me, but i find it hard to believe one could walk away so easily from someone they "loved" for so long... do you take walks often?   not anymore.. have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?   hm, what songs have i listened to today...  i don't think so. what does your phone do when you get a new message?   it chirps if you could make your lips bigger, would you?   no, they're fine. does it matter to you if your bf/gf smokes cigs?   honestly, i wouldn't date a smoker.  pick me or cancer. who was last to smack your butt?   probably jason, but there's potential that chelsea may have. what's a book you've read that changed your life?   it didn't change my life, but it heightened my pacifism.  "johnny got his gun" by dalton trumbo. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?   it would be borderline traumatizing, but not necessarily in a bad way?  does that make sense?  like, i want to kiss him, holy shit i do, but it would absolutely break me down if i did. have you met the last person you kissed’s parents?   yes.  a truly lovely couple with an almost fairytale history...  i love and miss them so much. do you like someone?   i way more than "like" him did the last person who hurt you ever apologize?   she hasn't yet.  knowing her, she won't. are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend?   i mean we don't like hang out and such, but yeah, i'd call him a friend. are you anything like your siblings?   not at all. have you ever lived with a significant other?   i have.  we lived in an apartment with another couple, our friends.  it went terribly. have you ever seen an emu in real life, whether in captivity or the wild?   i fucking read that as "emo" omg.  okay anyway yes i have, in a bird sanctuary. did you pierce your ears yourself or have it done by a professional?   i got mine done by a professional.  i'm very serious about piercings and want to ensure mine are done with utmost care. do you own a lot of cookbooks?   too many. do you stay in touch with many people from high school or college?   i wouldn't say "many," no. is there a university in your town or city?   nope. have you ever passed gas in front of your significant other?   in the past, yeah. do you have any big regrets in your life?   i don't know if i still regret the whole sexting incident for the sheer fact i do believe it taught me how to love properly.  i know what not to do.  i do, however, immensely regret letting my depression fester to the point it deterred jason away from me.  i... don't feel like i actually "let" this happen, i fucking fought, but sometimes i do. do you live on a street, avenue, road etc.?   road do you listen to guns n roses?   oh fuck yes. have you ever been a bridesmaid?   i was the one fat one.  i could've looked beautiful in that dress. are you friends with all of your exes?   if you count aaron, we're friends on facebook, but we don't talk.  if you consider juan as an ex, we're also facebook friends and we talk like once a month.  jason, he's not my friend and has me blocked on social media. what would you do if the person you have feelings for showed up at your door?   open the door and hug the shit out of him. when you are upset, what works best to calm you down?   shit, honestly, xanax when i was still on it.  jason used to be the number one thing to calm me.  now, uhh... i guess deep breathing. have you ever gone camping?   i have not. do you think the last person you kissed, has kissed anyone else since the last time they kissed you?   they've been together since may of 2016, i think, sooo... i'm pretty sure. have you ever slept with a member of the opposite sex without having sex?   yep. how would you feel if your significant other had tattoos?   depends on the tattoo??  generally, i find tattoos to be amazing and are great artistic expression, but my boyfriend had something questionable, i wouldn't be happy. what would you say if someone asked you to get high right now?   depends on what it would be, honestly.  i almost feel like i'd try a little bit with how fucking stressed i am. when’s the next time you will consume alcohol?   on my birthday, probably. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?   i... don't know. did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?   for the first time in what... months, i didn't. could you do a long distance relationship?   me, personally?  i don't think i could.  i need to be able to actually see you.  when i love somebody, i crave physical contact too, but that doesn't necessarily mean sex.  i'd like to hold your hand, cuddle, etc.  now if we were already in a relationship and for some reason i had to go away, sure, i could do it. do you like your body?   NO.  i'm overweight, stretch marks are ugly, i think my eyes are too small... do you pour the cereal before the milk or vice versa?   i pour cereal first. did anyone see your last kiss?   idk. do and your best friend(s) act the same, or are very different from each other?   we are incredibly different, but do have similarities. what’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?   i actually don't know how old juan is exactly...  i'd guess he's like 26-27. did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?   i don't think i ever did to kiss j. have you ever been told you were hot by a complete stranger?   yes.  awkward. who are 3 girls you trust most?   mom, colleen, and uhh... i'm not sure who's in third place. are your parents good examples?   yes and no. are you afraid of needles?   nah. would you enjoy a night of playing video games?   omg yeah. :')  i miss playing video games so much.  i especially miss playing them with company. how much does physical attractiveness mean to you in a partner?   if you read about this in a past journal, i'm still not entirely sure.  i always thought it didn't matter whatsoever, but i'm starting to believe that it actually does matter, but only a veeeery little bit. would you consider donating your body to science after you die?   sure. do you like soccer?   ugh, NO.  i did it as a kid and it sucked. is marriage a necessity for two people who love each other?   absolutely not.  if you're not certain about how much you'll love that person in the long run, don't get married. do you have a problem with racist jokes?   yes, i do. have you ever called your friend a slut?   playfully, yeah.  i know a lot of people really don't like this word, but it's almost like a term of endearment between colleen, chelsea, and i, lmao. have you ever gone on a blind date?   no, and i never would. have you ever lied about the number of sexual partners you’ve had?   i have not. on a first date do you pay or do they?   okay, call me old-fashioned, but i think the guy should pay for at least the first date. do you only date people who have jobs or are full-time students?   no!  i mean it's preferred to see you're doing something to ensure yourself a future, but not all people are so fortunate.  would i date someone capable of working a job yet not working (and they're not in school), i'm not sure.  i don't want to date someone that clearly doesn't want to do anything with his life. should evolution be taught in schools?   only.  as.  an.  elective.  it's a theory and isn't and can't be 100% proven.  it's so funny how people get pissy when people shove religion down their throat, yet evolution is okay to shove down one's throat??? is a girl who’s slept with 100 guys a bad person?   she's not a "bad person," but i'd call that a slut, yeah. should a child caught masturbating be punished?   UHHHHH.  i sure as HELL hope a CHILD isn't masturbating, jesus christ!!!  i'd fucking shriek if i saw my child doing that and yes, (s)he'd probably have something taken away or have time-out IF they knew it was bad.  now if i just saw my child doing it and they didn't realize it was immoral, we'd have a loooong talk.  only your significant other ought to touch you like that, i'm not sorry.  and this isn't necessarily a religious thing, it's just... wrong.  some things are common sense imo. when’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong?   uhhh.  probably the last time i downloaded a new song, but i haven't done that in a while... so i'm not sure. did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?   he did, but i honestly doubt the sincerity. how many kids do you want to have?   just one if the whole process of creating him/her is unbearable.  two is preferred.  three if i find motherhood to be decent and pregnancy/childbirth is okay. do you eat breakfast daily?   i do. what movie do you really want to see?   i've wanted to see "johnny got his gun" for years, but i know i'm going to break down and sob watching it. do you drink your cereal milk?   i don't. cds, radio, or phone for music in the car?   i always use my ipod window or aisle (plane seats)?   window, def. prankster or not?   i'm not one for pranks. tattoos or piercings?   oh no, i love both!!  but... i guess i like tats more. concert or theme park?   take me to a heavy metal concert, babe. can you touch your tongue to your nose?   i can't. do you believe in aliens?   i do not. place that makes me most happy?   the zoo favorite fictional character?   OH GOD.  too broad a spectrum!! dream wedding?   i would be ecstatic if i could afford to rent out a gothic mansion or something likewise for my wedding.  i want a ball gown dress with a sweetheart bust and a cathedral train.  probably white or ivory.  i want to have it in autumn or winter.  yes.  i have planned a lot about something that won't happen, lmao. would you rather be naked or wear clothes?   wear clothes, definitely.  i feel very vulnerable when i'm naked. are you a money saver or spender?   i wouldn't really know, as i've never had a steady income.  whenever i've gotten like birthday money and such, i've spent it, though. who's your male x female otp?   honestly, i don't really have one. who's your male x male otp?   RHETT X LINK JESUS CRUST who's your female x female otp?   chloe x max from "life is strange" what was the last flavor of ice-cream you had?   vanilla do you think you could ever become a vegan?   no.  i personally enjoy animal products too much. are you one of those people who is constantly glued to their phones?   no. do you drink as much water as you should?   i literally drink no water unless i am practically dehydrated. have you ever gone to any ridiculous extremes to lose (or gain) weight?   no.  but i've recently decided to, at least slightly, starve myself. do you use hairspray on your hair once you’ve styled it?   i don't style it. does anyone in your immediate family have any habits that worry you at all?   i mean, dad's smoking, yeah. what do you do when you’re drained of energy but are unable to go to sleep at the time (because you have other things to do)?   usually, i'll just keep trying to sleep.  if it's really bad, i'll just get up and get back on the laptop. do you enjoy helping people move or do you not like it?   does anyone actually enjoy it?  i mean i don't mind helping at all, no, but i don't enjoy it. have you ever kissed someone that you thought you’d never kiss?   on the cheek, anyway.  i never liked juan like that. do you enjoy when guys hit on/flirt with you or does it normally make you uncomfortable or annoyed? when was the last time more than one guy was flirting with you at a time?   i only like being flirted with if i like you, but i'm still liable to get awkward.  the last time i had two men pursuing me at once was in high school, when both jason and juan were "after" me. do you hug people very often or are you not the hugging type? could you list the last ten people you hugged?   i become a hugging type through jason.  i love hugs now. can you name five things you enjoy looking at pictures of?   uhhh... lemme think.  1.) gore, so long it's artistic; 2.) meerkats; 3.) jellyfish; 4.) caves; and, most importantly, 5.) jason what genre of music do you listen to the most?   heavy metal do people come to you for advice?   no, and they shouldn't. when’s the last time you smiled?   within the last hour, i think.  i'm listening to pewdiepie play "life is strange."  i really enjoy his playthroughs from that time, when his humor was much more... i don't know.  i just liked it then better.  anyway, he just said something funny, so i smiled. what’s the background on your computer?   on my laptop that's currently dead, it's trico and the boy from "the last guardian" do you have days where you just want to listen to sad songs?   usually when i'm depressed as shit, yup. where do you go when you need to get away?   usually, colleen's do you think you will/did you cry at your graduation?   i teared up eeeever so slightly. would you ever get an eyebrow piercing?   naaah.  i don't get my eyebrows waxed/plucked enough, and for me personally, i don't like eyebrow piercings over relatively thick eyebrows, so. have you ever been to mexico?   no.  i have no desire to go. has a book ever made you cry?   multiple. is the person you have feelings for at least a bit cute?   he's very cute.  especially when he dances like a fool. your ex says “i’m sorry”, what do you say?   "prove it." are you a bitch?   i know good and well i can be, but in general, i honestly don't think i am... do you wear a belt with every pair of jeans?   not since high school.  back then, i had a thing for studded belts. have you ever deleted facebook friends for a significant other?   no, and i wouldn't. what accent do you think is the most attractive?   british do you have high standards?   frankly, i do.  because i don't settle for less. have you ever watched fight videos for amusement?   ugh, no.  i don't see the point.  i found it very surprising that jason actually enjoyed wrestling, and he'd watch it i think once a week, and i always had to tone it out. whose wall did you post on last?   i'm not sure, but i'm certain it was a happy birthday post. do you own a snuggie?   ha ha yeah. would you consider getting a tattoo any time soon?   i'm getting what will probably be my biggest tattoo on my birthday, coming up soon. is there a place you’d rather live right now?   not in this area of nc. do you consider yourself a sensitive person?   very. what do you think is the best smell in the world?   lilac.  i used to love riding my bike in the spring or summer because there were trees that would have lilac blossoms just down the road...  i would always take in such a huge whiff. do you know anyone personally who is colorblind?   yes.  jason's older brother jonathan is red-blue colorblind, i believe. have you ever considered writing a novel?   many a time.

[whatyousaiddotcom-blog]

SOME CORRESPONDENCE OF SC

Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), November 2014

SC     11/29/14    to JM

Dear JM,

it was nice to see you other other day at the demo....im not exactly sure how to start this email but our exchange keeps repeating on me...so i thought i would write to you... i was a bit irrked that you seemed surprised that I said I was feeling quite shit and when you asked me whats up etc

I'm starting to think you have no idea what the impact the bloomsbury ten stuff has had on me... i wanted to write to you so you had some type of idea...

as Im sure your aware everything sparked up again recently ( it actually sparked up (intensely) again a few weeks before K’s piece of writing but i wont go into that here ). and there is now a name and shame blog doxing me and the others and accusing us of various crimes.

I know you have not partaken in this and even tried to calm thing down on fb at one point.... but it doesnt help and things are really bad.

there are a BUNCH of people who read our intervention letter who have grossly and purposely falsified what we originally wrote -  you know many of these people  - ( ie NBa, RA-D, P, STA, etc many others ) and im sure you have seen this stuff circulating recently and over the last few years.

they accuse us of at least these things:

- victim blaming

-denying it happened

-calling her a liar

- asking for more evidence

- asking about her sexual history

-bullying and harassing her

-saying it was her fault.

yet anyone who read / reads the original letter and who has basic comprehension skills can clearly see that none of these things happened. these are projections onto what we wrote and not our words at all. obviously we cannot even defend ourselves publicly to refute these malicious claims without picking over detail and i think no one thinks it would be appropriate or right to do this as both the first email and our response have details of …. This has left space for others to twist and turn and lie about what we originally wrote.

Im not saying you should agree with what we wrote or our intervention but seriously these lies about what happened are more than malicious and completely untrue. equally as for the claims that we were were hiding behind anonymity  -  we went to BOTH follow up meetings after we wrote the letter and everyone knew who we were -  we also agreed to go to a third meeting but that never happened .... the only reason people have my name now is because i went to a meeting and made myself known like everyone else. i hardly think this is hiding ...

---

i want you to understand the effect this has had on me not just in the last month or so but over the last few years as well.

firstly i had so much self doubt to the point that i felt that i WAS a victim blaming rape apologist and that what we had written was of that effect. I had to read and re read what we wrote over a couple of hundred times ( and that is not an exaggeration )  -  i have read it over and over to try and understand peoples accusations...finally in desperation I showed it privately to (redacted) who were not part of writing the original statement -  from (redacted) to  (redacted)  - i showed it to very smart and honest people-  EVERYBODY was fucking shocked at the way what we wrote had been interpreted. It is only with the most decontextualised and ungenerous reading of about one line that you could move to a victim blaming reading...... this response /  projection is complete gas lighting and really hurtful and dangerous. ( esp for me as i have pretty serious mental health issues)

over the last weeks, basically after K wrote her piece, i repeatedly felt suicidal and got very very ill... al had to take time off to stay with me and look after me. I couldnt walk i couldnt eat and i couldnt sleep. i was completely haunted by the trial by social media ( i actually still am). and the very malicious smears against me and the others. I basically had a complete breakdown and had to be put in touch with a crisis mental health team and was very close to hospitalization.... and although i am on the mend now i am very far from being well and am dosed up to the eyeballs on meds and still have very low days. this has had an extreme impact on me.

Im not sure if you know this but i lost my father at the beginning on this year.... its really been the year from hell. I was just starting to recover from his death and then this stuff comes up and was the final straw and knocked me sideways...

many people of twiiter who tweet about this like its a fucking sport know not only that i lost my dad this year but that i have stress triggered mental health problems... this doesnt seem to stop them from massively false and malicious tweets. I have had PERSONAL abuse from R and there are a lot of men who have taken a delight in taking a stand against me ( victim blaming rape appologist ) and think its fine to stick my name on a blog and spread lies about me ( obviously i deserve it).....

to get proof of who was saying what I literally had to witness my own online abuse in real time as a live twitter feed -  i had to screen grab the lot before people could deny or delete what they were saying or block me - please try to imagine what its like to photograph your own abuse as spectacle on twitter. ....

anyway i have proof of a lot of what and who has been saying what now...

----

to be honest im not even telling you the half of what has gone on , on the impact this has had on me and others and of how upset i am by the sheer dishonesty, cruelty and sadistic abuse that has happened. ontop of that no one says anything and people like RA-D, M and NBa and P go on as if nothing has happened.

---

i know you havent joined in in any of this and you didnt ask for it to happen. I have to be honest with you though -  neither you , JB, SB, or MC [the accountability panel] have ever said anything and this really hurts. you were all part of the original group who wrote the letter and tried to sort things out.... no one has said anything and it has spiralled to the point that it has.... you all have been able to walk away.... it was very hard to have you bounce up to me at the demo and be surprised that i was not ok or ask why i was not ok.....

i am basically known on twitter as a rape appologist for things i haven’t done and haven’t said. have another look at what was written   - we never disputed what [REDACTED]  said once -  we criticised the process as we said we didn’t think things were being dealt with in a serious or appropriate way -  we NEVER disputed what she said or said it was her fault and we always said that it needed to be dealt with... its written in the statement which im sure you still have..

i dont really know why im writing this... i know you disagree with what we wrote  - i disagree with what was originally written  - but never did i think you were coming from a bad place -  i know you were trying to do the right thing.... i feel like people assumed the very very worst of me and others and that it is grossly ungenerous and now is dishonest and cruel.

i dont know what to say really - im still not ok about any of this and now every time i go on social media or to a demo I must wonder if i must see people like RA-D. NBa etc acting like nothing bad has happened, acting like they are not abusive and dishonest and that there will be no repercussion for how they have treated me and others.

— ( screen grabs sent including death threat screen grab)

i have plenty more screen grabs that just a very very small selection..

(redacted)

if you think about it " pls remind me who im missing out"

he purposely left my name out ( he knew i was part of b10 ) then asked people to remind him of my name in the  separate next tweet ... please run that around in your head and think about what that means and why he did that... he takes a massive pleasure in being purposely abusive to me personally... its a fucking sport to him..... and no body said anything.

———

sorry to keep emailing  -  only to say i probably have left my flat less than 15 times in the past two months /  two and half months since this has kicked off.... im basically non functional and i spent about a month uncontrollably weeping for most of the time i was awake... quite literally  -  u can ask anyone from a to DG or MH  to the crisis team or my dr -  who took it in turns looking after me during the worst parts of it.

that i have to put up with abusive men like RA-D or women like NBa and P ( because i deserve it for being a rape apologist ) is beyond a joke.

you know very little about my life and nor does anyone else - i have NOT had an easy life , the statistical chances of  me being relatively sane , functional and with a good post grad education are much less than 1 percent.

and now i have to put up with a bunch of very well educated privileged student activists who I know to have high comprehension and reading skills fucking lying about what i/others have written and done is a fucking joke.

and that they purport to do this in the name of countering gendered structural violence is a fucking disgrace.

JM    11/29/14    to SC

Hey S,

I had no idea it had gotten this bad and that it was ongoing.

DG mentioned some of this to me a few weeks ago but but then I had only seen a small amount of the backlash on M's facebook wall, which is what I responded to. It seemed like it had flared up around K's post but was beginning to die down. I don't use twitter that much, partly because of the irritating dogmatism and pernicious attitudes it seems to produce (case in point), so I hadn't seen any of the stuff on there. I either don't follow, don't know, or have stopped following the people you mentioned and have generally distanced myself from a lot of the left-crowd in the past year for a number of reasons - but partly because I find the language and mentality which seems to have developed so off-putting that I no longer feel a part of the same discourse - the result is that I'm perhaps more out of the loop than you were aware.

Whatever type of anarchism it is that justifies this kind of behaviour I don't want any part of, and can't think of anything more willfully destructive than posting people's names on the internet or threatening people with violence. I can understand why [REDACTED] is angry about what happened but I can't for the life of me understand how this will help anything beyond a misplaced desire for arbitrary retribution.

You know my feelings about what was written, but as far as I'm concerned it is in the past. I'm sure that if we could go back in time everybody would have gone about things differently on all sides. What matters to me is where people's heart is - I have no doubt whatsoever that people like yourself and MH are good people with the best intentions. I wouldn't maintain the fondness I hold for both of you if I didn't. JBR and some of the others I'm less sure about - there are some good parts to him, but I don't trust him enough to be as close as I once was; being polemic or 'critical' often seems more important to him than generosity of spirit, and he can consequently be quite nasty to people with very little reason. He is far better at sowing division than anything else. I think RB is a good man but sometimes lets his friendship with JB cloud his judgement, as it did mine at points in the past. I certainly don't harbour ill will towards him, even if I felt initially hurt by him, and I'm sad we're not as close to each other because of all this stuff - I feel like I lost an important friend. I haven't come across RL in the past few years but I'd like to hope we'd be able to clear the air one day if we did cross paths. I've never had any reason to doubt she's a lovely person who got caught up in an extremely difficult situation and any hostility she expressed was an understandable product of that.

As for now, I don't think anybody has any answers to this stuff and if we're going to come up with anything of meaning or value it will require thinking through the kind of criticisms K made in her post, many of which are inarguable. At the same time we can't just ignore issues when they arise for the sake of convenience. Unfortunately the political climate seems completely anathema to learning anything productive from what has happened and looks to bully people (how much easier) on social media instead - hence my increasing sense of frustration with the 'scene' and my desire to become more distant from it.

I haven't been staying silent because I'm okay with what's happening - I simply haven't encountered it except on M’s facebook wall, where I intervened accordingly. If this starts to happen again send me a message and I will offer whatever weight I have as someone who criticised the original statement. I'm wary of putting something up out of the blue lest it simply stir the whole thing up again, but if others are doing that anyway let me know.

I hope you're doing okay.  if you want to have a drink and chat about any of this or life generally just drop me a line.

J x

Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), April 2015

to JM

and are any other accountability group members coming to the meeting?

JM    4/26/15    to sc

Yep that's fine for me - as to the others I don't know, I prodded them the other week but no one replied. I think I'm right in saying that no one was opposed to talking on principle but that there were reservations about it being a larger meeting, what the objective was, how it might be framed etc. If we're going with the 6th then I'll send a message and see what they say.

SC    4/26/15    to JM

no one is going to frame anything .i have always been open with you about my thoughts on this...i think its better for all of us that other people, who are wise and have good politics esp gender politics... are there to advise us all.... i would like people to stop abusing me for stuff i havent done, written , said thought, think etc.. i dont think its a big ask for the group to come considering they were at the heart of the process. i know none of them have been abusive towards me... however they were intitated a process that has become way out of control...i think people need to face up to what has and is happening in an honest way. as i have said many times i have evidence of people smearing me and abuseing me online. there is a very male core to alot of this abuse. i need to make this stop. my endurance for this has run out and its making me exreamly ill. please communicate to the the seriousness of this situation.

and apart from myself i ( unlike all the liars say) worry a great deal about [REDACTED]..I am totally unable to approach her to try and get aid with resolution for her, which she clearly needs.

basically JM i am not despite what many people write about me online , some type of evil bastard and neither is anyone else. the way we have been and are being treated is unjustifiable and it needs to stop, be confronted and people need to take responsibilty for their actions. i am sick of being hounded online and being villified to a large invisible audience. i am sick of people justifying their abuse cos they think i deserve it. - that actually is victim blaming and it needs to stop.

SC     4/26/15    to JM

i have a folder with 6 months worth of abuse  -  which is about 300 tweets, thats is just a tiny tiny percentage of what has been going on. within this folder i have a sub folder of people joking about putting me in a black bin liner, stabbing me, glassing me and saying that i should be killed.  when are people going to wake up?? i am a real person, this has a real imapct on me.  i suffer real mental health issues, which are classed as a severe disability. do u understand that if i have a sever breakdown i have zero garentee of " coming out" of a psycotic state? have you any idea what it is like to live with that thought?

how can i get this into peoples heads here??? i have STRESS TRIGGERED PSYCOSIS. -  i cant really understand how this cannot at least move people to take some kind of action? or is it that they think that cos i am a " victim blamer" ( which i am not ) that i should just suffer the abuse that i am receiving?

do they need doctors notes? i have access to 18 years worth. i am not making my health problems up....

SC     4/26/15    to JM

do u realise that this is not going to go away? i cant live like this.

they cant justify their abuse. because thats what it is.

SC     4/26/15    to JM

i hope that all of you in the accountability group will stop  not see this as an attack on you all and start to face up to what is actually going on here. i incuded people like np, tz and dg on the list becuase i am hopeing that you might talk with them and listen to them about this, you all clearly have zero respect for me and dont believe me.. but myabe you will listen to them? some other perspectives?

JM     4/27/15    to SC

I don't think I've given you any reason to feel I have zero respect for you, Sophie, or the others. I'm coming to the meeting - I'm just relating as best I can what other people feel. I understand their caution, and I can't force them to do anything. I will say that I worry about seeing me or the others as the solution to this - ultimately it isn't coming from us, and none of us share personal relationships or even a political outlook any more with the people involved. To me this is exactly the problem with abandoning the notion of being part of a community with obligations to each other, and what happens if there's no process in place that can bring closure to a problem - which takes us back to the original disagreements I suppose. This was an issue whether anyone wanted to address it or not.

SC     4/27/15    to JM

No one expects any forcing. Some of those in the accountability group are pretty close to some extremely abuseive people. I find it abhorrent. Maybe JB MC Sb etc might well talk to them off social media?  I don't know really. It seems odd that a group of people who used to be my friends and who profess to want to deal with gendered violence just shrug their shoulders and say this is a consequence of what u wrote. Or something similar. I have pointed out a number of times how what we wrote has been undeniably and maliciously distorted - and then this distortion used as a pretext for abuse. I m not the only person who think this, I have shown the text to NP, MV, TZ,  DG and other people I trust and asked them to read it for the things that we all have been accused of, (redacted) and said that I would apologies if it had blamed her, I lost complete trust in my own capacity to have faith in my own motivations and actions. That is actually gas lighting. Ikon wits not coming from u ( well I actually have at least one horrible grab from SB) but a lot of it is coming fro. People who were on that list or went to the meetings. Plenty people are making excuses for all this is more than shocking... It's like some bastard of Lord of the flies and the Salam witch trails on acid. I have men beating up on me online for things they know I haven't said. And even if I had said them it would still be unjustifiable.

SC     4/27/15    to JM

JM I'm sorry I'm a 35 year old working class woman with severe mental health problems. I was (redacted) and had (redacted). Before I went to university, at 25 my life was spent in (redacted) institutions and women's (redacted). Against statistical odds of probably less than one percent I have a post grad and had hoped to do a PhD. My life was for the first time on 30 years starting to settle. This is ruining me. It's making me ill. I have these disgusting middle class pricks hounding me online for sport and cred. I'm not MH and I'm not JBR and this b10 stuff does not play out in an equal way for us all. For me it is extreeamly traumatic due to who I am and the life that I have lived. As I told you it's making me ill, I am extreeamly lucky I haven't ended up in hospital. Please take time to get educate yourself about schizo effective effective disorder and its relationship to stress.

I hope that the other accountability group people will come to the meeting and stop being complicit and cowardly.

SC     4/27/15    to JM

I am hoping for some type of collective process or intervention. If this doesn't happen I am forced to take matters into my own hands alone to stop people abuseing me.

JM     4/27/15    to SC

I think it's best I just relate the things you're saying to me directly to the others because, as I've said, I'm coming to the meeting.

Are you alright with that, and if so, is there anything from this thread you'd want me not to pass on?

JM     4/27/15    to SC

to be clear I mean just c/ping the above so they can hear it themselves and decide accordingly. I don't think I can be any more use as a go-between now

SC     4/27/15    to JM

If you think it will help I suppose you should. Please do not copy sections but the whole exchange. I feel angry that I am I a position where I must disclose the shit life I have lived. And which still makes me feel a great deal of shame. At least maybe I won't have to go over it in A meeting publicly.

If I find that anyone had forwarded my email exchange beyond people who were in the accountability group I will be more than angry. Equally if it is subject to gossip or distortion on or off social media and I shall be more than upsset.

Thanks for trying to help.

Correspondence between SC and ZB (who had acted as a representative of [REDACTED] during the accountability meetings), October 2014

HI ZB,

I am writing to you as I have been told by people that we have in common and that i trust that you are solid feminist with good politics. I will try to keep this brief. i am not sure how much you are aware of what has been going on recently and for years. I do not have the energy to go over all of it.

The situation cannot go on as it is. I am getting very ill, I have sever stress triggered schizoaffective disorder. I have lost my father this year too. I have comrades and my partner caring for me, so don't worry about that.

I am worried about  [REDACTED]. ( not [person with same initials] the other one )

here are some of her tweets, i have a million more, this is a random selection. I have seen worse.

— ( screen grabs of [REDACTED] and other actors)

there are a lot of lies being peddled here. Of course i would be extremely angry too i if i thought anyone had denied my suffering and my experience, victim blamed and asked me to evidence it. ( actually the position that i am in now )

there are a network of actors here, between me and you and her, who have deliberately falsified what we originally wrote and did and have done since.  I think they do this to make a political point and to normalize a certain political practice. They can all read well. Im sure a;lot of them have read the original text that was written  ( i have attached it here along with my own writing ).

The ONLY reason myself and others have not defended ourselves in a public way is because we am worried about [REDACTED] safety and sanity . I cannot be a punch bag for these people. they are not her friends/ comrades either and not helping her at all. I feel she needs support but i cannot approach her.

There are a host of people getting a lot of pleasure out of all of this. I have screen grabs of the lot. in amongst them hide some very abusive men.  I have hard evidence of men abusing me on twitter and using [REDACTED]’s trauma as an excuse to do so. there are a bunch of women too who have played a very big part in escalating this to the situation as it currently manifests. I have had to  witness all  abuse play out as a spectacle on twitter.  I have ( had to ) screen grabbed the lot.

I am not asking help with anything other than a good support network for her. I feel that she is surrounded by some very dubious people, with bad politics and ethics.  People who call themselves feminists and communists, who are so far away from that its unreal.

I am sorry to pull you into this but i am worried that lives are at risk. i know you have just had a baby ( congratulations) and i imagine you are time short and tired. If you can think of any thing that might help please let me know.

Solidarity,

SC

ZB    10/13/14    To SC

Hi S. I will use the form on the tumblr to ask for it to be taken down. I don't know who is running it, I was only aware of it after A told me about it yesterday. I have no reason to think that whoever is behind it will listen to me but I will message them.

I have not seen [REDACTED] for almost a year, nor am I able to spend much time on anything political at present as I'm heavily pregnant. Beyond messaging the blog post there isn't anything else I can do at present.

ZB

SC     10/13/14    to ZB

Ok thanks for writting back. I worry for [REDACTED] I really do . Her identity seems very invested in all of this persecution and lies. I don't know how aware she really is in all of this or how much she has been gas lit by others. I am sure you can read and I  sure you can see that we never blamed her nor ignored or denied that it happened or her trauma. We disagreed and intervened  in all of it that is for sure  - we disagreed with how the process was manifesting. but none of us have ever bullied her denied that it happened or asked her for more proof or any of those vicious claims that are currently circulating .

Anyway thanks for your solidarity and for writing to the blog. I wish you luck with your pregnancy. X

Sent with one hand

4. Correspondence with an email list including JM from accountability panel, March 2015. This correspondence took place around DG’s banning from Goldsmiths Occupation. DG was not part of B10.

SC to List

sorry but this is not going away..  -  an argument about safer spaces - will NOT sort this out!

this is too much bs, i need some support i want to confront this its a pack of fucking lies i am sick to my teeth of this.. i want to call it...it absolutely needs to stop and be put right.

J M - YOU WERE IN THE ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP WHICH HAS BEEN COMPLETELY QUIET.!!!.... you need to meet with me and others and this needs to stop! im AM SICK of people spreading lies about me and others and abusing ME AND MY COMRADES on the web for things that were not said and done! I do not give 2 fucks about what any1 thinks the b10's intentions were.... i know what we wrote and what was said in the meetings after.. i also have a ton of screen grabs about all the malicious lies been spread about us...

i have cc'd Ad. into this who has been purged from SF. i hope he will help us sort this out. MB and U and J all vouch for him.

i CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE. IT NEEEDS TO BE PUT TO REST!

MB     3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Fucking right!

Apparently people have walked out of the occupation due to this, it wasn't democratically agreed upon at all. the occupation statement and the people behind it are fucking idiots.

JM [accountability panel]    3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Oh for fucks sake.

Alright, I've replied with this for now.

"I don't know where you have got your information from but as someone who was involved in trying to address the situation you're referring to I want to make it absolutely clear that DG had nothing to do with the B10 statement, and was nothing but helpful to me and others throughout the process. I can't see how suggestions to the contrary can be justified. Banning him or anyone else from giving talks runs counter to everything that was trying to be achieved at that time. For people with no knowledge of what you're referring to it also reads like an extremely serious implication about DG. Please don't put out statements like this without contacting people who actually know about the circumstances, and respect the spirit of their intentions. Get in touch with me or anyone else who was involved if you want to talk about this more, but I strongly suggest you remove this statement and cease implying falsehoods about DG, whether you want him to speak at Goldsmiths or not."

SC - I can only respond to what I see, and have done so when directed to obvious bullshit like this.

AP     3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Authoring the thing 'Bloomsbury 10' was so ridiculously stupid. It just sounds so ominous for anyone who hasn't a clue what this is about. I think those involved who havent come forward and defended themselves in writing should probably reconsider as this obviously isnt going away.

SC     3/28/15    to kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.  AK

All, JM,

I really do appreciate that you have made a clarification about DG.. however this for me does not cut it at all as it does NOT address the false claim against b10.

to go over this again, the claims are based on the letter that we wrote to the email list, which i attach again, with my underlined parts.

the claims that are made against us that i have screen grabs of, are :

- we victimed blamed and are rape appologists

- that we harrassed [REDACTED] and made her life hell in the ensuing years

- that we hid under a cloak of anonimity - ( WE WENT TO 2 FOLLOW UP MEETINGS in the following week -  making it obvious who we were and what we wrote)

- that was said she was lying /  making it up /  said it was her fault

PLEASE READ WHAT WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN ON THE STATEMENT!!!!!!  IT IS ATTACHED!!!!!

to make this really clear pls read what i wrote in another p[rivate email to a member of sf earlier this month in regards to this letter:

----

I am prepared to take responsibility and argue over the contents of a letter i help write, discuss what it means, and the impact of it and its context... i am not prepared to accept falsifications of what was written, nor projections onto it by others of any inherent meaning or imagined bad motivation or intention.......

for example, i think a reading that is used to justify a lot of the victim blaming label attached to me ( and others ) in relation to the letter ( which after all started all this off more or less)  logically works like this:

the first move is to take a single paragraph out of the context of the whole document ( i mean the paragraph that mentions the accountability panels omission of the discussion of knife play - i think this section is what cause most but not all of the accusations of rape apologia and victim blaming etc)

the second move is then  to do two things with the de-contextualized paragraph:

1) make it stand it and negate every other written word on the b10 letter

2) and importantly then make the following argument:

something like ".. any mention of the context of the knife is TANTAMOUNT TO VICTIM BLAMING...." ... the claim is, the context of the knife is both irrelevant and at the same time any mention of it would only (be to) discredit her account...

er hello???? why do THEY think it discredits her account... (this is not what we ever said..we did however write that we fully acknowledge her account, this it needed serious responses which had already started, wanted dialogue and a different way of dealing with /  you can read those sections i have highlighted them)..  ..... this last move.. ( the context is discrediting) is their ( very troubling) projection onto what was intended, meant written, etc etc

im sure you see my point.

please think about the logic of that move....it is very odd and dubious....

-----

the accountability panel were criticised. NOT [REDACTED]!

when is this going to be put to rest..... THE ACCOUNTABILITY PANEL have said NOTHING.. for 3 years!!!!!! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR.

you and others may disagree with me  / b10 questioning and disrupting the process. BUT NOT BY FALSIFYING WHAT WAS WRITTEN>

I have had to put up with 3 YEARS of gaslighting me, having "anarchist" men abusing me personally, of being doxed online. I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. THIS HAS TO STOP> THIS IS NOT A SAVE DG’s REP CAMPAIGN>

i want a meeting with you JM JB MCe and SB and TJ [all the members of the original accountability panel] and you were ALL in the process and have said NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THE FUCKING LIES AND ABUSE BEING LEVELED AT ME AND OTHERS.

i am sick of this its BULLSHIT.

i spent 4 years of my fucking life in a (redacted)l. i have a locked and hidden social media account FOR A REASON. I WANT THIS SORTED OUT AND THE TUMBLR DOWN.

[optimisticpoetrypost-blog]

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well my mom got in at fault accident she was the only one who was injured the guy who she knocked into was ok no sign of no injury, the guy is suing my moms insurance company (Geico) for possibly more then 10,000 in bodily injury which my mom only has 10,000/ 20,000 in bodily injury, let me say this again the guy is not injured AT ALL!!! The police that wrote up the report at scene will be super great witnesses to the scene the guy was ok, while my poor old mother had get stretched into a ambulance lucky her pip coverage covered her medical bills. Do you guys think he will win his claim with the type witness we have? Also there was a camera that caught the whole scene on video ( so another vital evidence) Is there anyway we can sue this guys for car insurance fraud or can geico do on out behalf?""

What will it cost to go to planned parenthood with no insurance?

Do they even except people without insurance? I was layed off my job and have no insurance.

How good is the Cover Kids insurance in Tennessee?

I'm moving from California to Tennessee so we can afford to live on our own but their dad doesn't provide insurance and I'm thinking about running a daycare so I would have to buy insurance for them. I just want to make sure that Cover Kids is good insurance with good doctors, etc.""

SR-22 insurance?

If someone got an OWI in iowa, How much does SR-22 usually cost? (was not me who received one, but I am glad this person finally got one)""

What is the average cost for General Liability Insurance for a Security Guard Company in California.?

I'm trying to get an idea of how much a 1,000,000,000 Liability Insurance Policy would cost for a Security Company in California""

Auto insurance question -- Florida?

My daughter can't really afford the insurance on her car; it's a 2003 Jetta and if she keeps it she will probably have to do a certain amount of repairs. Right now she has full coverage but is considering dropping the collision to lower the cost. If, God forbid, she should get into an accident without collision coverage, could she sue the other driver to repair or replace the car? Would she be likely to be successful? I am not hopeful of anything like that happening, believe me, but you just don't want to lose your investment especially if you have spent a lot on repairs. Thanks in advance for any insights.""

Why is my credit ratingscore brought down for getting car insurance quotes?

I'm trying to get auto and renter's insurance and I do not understand why my credit score is brought down because of this. Can't they tell I'm not our trying to get several credit cards or lines of credit or loans? How can this be dealt with and changed or stopped? If this is going to happen, how will my credit look in two years when I am ready to buy a newer vehicle?""

Can I get insurance on somebody elses policy?

OK, I'm 17 and would like to start driving when I pass my test. So as a new driver, can I insure a car on my mum's policy? (In the UK) I hear it's a lot cheaper, so how much would I save if I insured a 1 litre VW polo on my mum's policy? Compared to a policy of my own. Thanks in advance.""

Do insurance rates always go up after fender benders? even super minor ones?

I was in a minor parking lot fender bender, more like fender TAPPING if you ask me, neither car has more of a scratch, I am pretty sure that she is more at fault in this situation because when we tapped i was all the way out my my parking space and she was only out about half way, hence why our bumpers tapped on both of our rear passenger corners. she has a witness claiming they saw the whole thing and that I hit her, but regardless of if my car tapped hers or her car tapped mine, I was all the way out of my space and she was the one who wasn't looking enough to not hit me. I was about to shift into drive right when we tapped, I had my foot on the brake, which is probably why we didn't hit hard enough to do any more damage than a scratch. ANYWAY she is basically making a huge deal about a small *** scratch on her 1998 honda in which i am sure that she is at fault for. in maryland, I have always been told that parking lot accidents are equal fault cases no matter what. she called me 3 days after the incident and also called my house number(which i did NOT give her!!! creepy) she got mad that I called the police for advice on what to do and said she is going to go through my insurance to get things settled. m my question is, will my insurance go up if she files a claim using my insurqnce info? even though the repair for her tiny scratch couldn't possibly cost more than 200 bucks? It is so small i feel like someone at a body shop could buff it out for even less than 100, maybe even 50. it just baffles me that someone would make such a big deal over a scratch that is less than an inch, especially when my scratches are deeper and longer than hers! you can tell by the direction that my scratch was in that she was the one who hit me, because of where the paint was pushed.""

How much will a teen pay for their own car insurance?

if its a used car that is completely paid for.

Car Insurance Question...?

I'm currently 17, 1 month until Im 18...and Im insured under my moms vehicle and my vehicle as well (under my moms insurance), I drive my dad's car once in a while and am not under his insurance. Do I have to be under his insurance in addition to my moms? My parents are divorced and I live in Michigan.""

How much would it cost to import this motorcycle from the U.S to Canada?

this bike costs $ 6000 U.S. How much would it cost to import this bike back to canada. I am looking for all the fees, taxes insurance(if it needs it) every single dollar i would have to spend to bring the bike from u.s to canada. Also if you could list the exact steps that i would have to go through how many days it would take to do everything. I will bring the bike back on a trailer. I have never done this and know nothing about how this works so detail is a must and all the costs are a must to i am looking for dollar amounts. thanks a lot""

Can i get insurance to drive any car?

My current insurance gives me third party cover on any vehicle i drive with permission from the owner. Can i get full insurance? (i am thinking of setting up a business which would require me driving other peoples cars) THanks

How much money i need to start up car insurance business?

ok im licensed, i have office with experienced sales people , company name gaico , how much cash on hand i need to cover losses (lets say i signed 100 customers allready to gaico)""

Mobile Home Insurance in Florida?

I am having a LOT of difficulty finding Mobile Home insurance in Florida (nobody will insure us at a reasonable rate due to hurricanes). They are brand new Mobile Homes.... Original Premium was $1138.00 a year. We are having issues with this company & are getting quotes well over $2,000 now! That is a HUGE difference! Does anybody else know where else we can get insurance???""

Does anyone know of an affordable high risk car insurance co. in Calgary Alberta?

Does anyone know of an affordable high risk car insurance co. in Calgary Alberta?

Lunenburg Vermont Cheap car insurance quotes zip 5906

Lunenburg Vermont Cheap car insurance quotes zip 5906

Is this car insurance thing true?

I heard online that in Texas if you drive less than 35 miles a day, you'll get a HUGE discount in your insurance. It this true? Or is this just a lie?""

Which make and model of car/SUV is the cheapest on auto insurance?

I need a new car, but I don't want to pay a lot for auto insurance. Right now I have a Cavalier (hate it, by the way) and because it is a Z24 it raised the insurance premium. I just wondered if there are certain makes of cars that are usually cheaper on auto insurance. Anyone know?""

How can I find what insurance i had with car I dont have anymore?

After almost 7 years the DMV says that I owe them for a lapse in insurance. Car was repossessed and I didn't take the tag off. (my mistake) I'm pretty sure I canceled the insurance but I can't remember what company I was with or what dealer I got the car from. The DMV had no other information on the car other than the obvious fine. My renewal is coming up and I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP!

Car insurance rates in Ontario for new driver?

I plan to import my '01 Camry from USA to missisuaga. How much shd I expect to pay p.m. in car Insurance rates ? I have 3 yrs clean driving history in USA.Will my driving history in USA help with getting a better rate in canada ? Initially I will have only a US drivers license.Pls help shed light on my doubts .. Forgot to mention - I am married , age 30 yrs""

Will my auto insurance rates go up if I broke someone else's left mirror?

Nothing big, my car hit and cracked only the mirror on someone else's left mirror car. But the thing is I don't have full insurance coverage, only the basic.""

""What is a good affordable dental, health, car, & life insurance?""

What is a good affordable dental, health, car, & life insurance?""

My license suspended cause of insurance payment were can i get a very cheap car insurance?

please help

What is the best car insurance company in Britain?

I am 17 and looking to be put on my dads insurance. The car is a 1.4 Renault Clio and the cheapest quote is 1600. How do you get them to take the price down when speaking to them on the phone? Also I have had a bike for a couple of years with my own insurance, will this make a difference? Cheers!""

About my leased car insurance?

I have a nissan 2009 lease, I have two questions: 1. do I need to purchase PIP insurance? also a $750 deductible in comprehensive and collision is ok? 2. My boyfriend lives with me and he has his own commercial car insurance, I drive my car the most, do I need to add him in my quote? He drives the car perhaps on Sundays when we go out other than that I drive the car most of the time. Thanks for your answers""

Maternity Insurance Coverage?

My family doesn't currently have insurance. I'm 10 weeks pregnant and my husband is about to start a new job where we will be offered insurance. I think the insurance the company offers is Blue Cross Blue Shield of Florida. I know that I can be put on his insurance but are they likely to give me a problem with the pregnancy? I've heard that insurance companies will refuse to cover your prenatal care if you don't have the insurance before getting pregnant.

Will car insurance be cheaper if I drive my mum's car?

I'm learning to drive, but my mum won't allow me to practice in her Fiat 500 or drive it once I've passed the test. This means I can either buy myself a car or drive my Dad's car, which is a much larger Jeep. I don't particularly want to drive it though because its an automatic whereas I'm learning manual (I know automatic is easier, but as a new driver I won't be able to practice for the test and I'm worried I might forget manual if I drive it for too long) and I imagine insurance is likely to be higher. I was wondering, which of these options are likely to work out cheapest? Is it worth trying to persuade my mum to let me drive her car?""

How to rebuild credit score?

I can't get approved for a credit card because I couldn't pay my car payment or car insurance for 2 months cause I lost my job. Although my credit score is around 530, which isn't too bad. But I have a lot of inquiries on my report from trying to get a car loan a couple years ago.. Now I'm trying to get a loan for school.. So what are my options?""

Anbody have Good2go auto insurance?

My fiance and I recently found out that our policy has been cancelled (literally had no idea) so we have to find a cheap car insurance fast. Good2go is known for being cheap- but does anybody have it??? Please let me know how you like it- it almost looks a little sketchy lol. If anyone else knows how to get CHEAP car insurance in NJ please speak up! We just had 21st Century. He has a perfect driving record, I have made some mistakes in the past- which is why everything is so high for us. If anyone knows a loophole or anything let me know! Thanks!""

Please help... car insurance. 10 points for best answer.?

Hey i just bought a 1992 3 litre twin turbo<--- they don't know that bit Toyota supra 2 door 2 seats black. I am 19 and the cheapest insurance policy i can find for it is 7 grand i have a years no claims and pass plus, so that seems a bit stupid to me, Anyone have any name and or numbers of insurance companies in the uk that are likely to do me a good deal 3rd party, Thanks guys.""

Cheapest Car insurance in New Jersey?

Looking for cheap car insurance companies in New Jersey.

How much is insurance for teens?

Im almost 16 and im wondering cause my parents dont want to pay 300-400 a month. And i do good in school if that cuts costs down.

Are insurance premiums considered as capital for insurance premiums?

specifically for pension plans, are the premiums received here considered as capital by insurance companies? assuming they are the ones issuing these pension policies""

Insurance under Obama care?

I am 22 years old and graduated a week ago. My parents have insurance through trustmark insurance and I've been recently hired on full time for a management position. Being a full time employee, I have the opportunity to get my own insurance or waive it. I've heard that I should be able to stay on my parents insurance until I am 26. However, I've also heard that I would need to be a student in order to continue on staying on my parents insurance. So essentially I am asking whether I should be able to stay on my parents insurance until I am 26? If my wage is needed for this, I make 14$ an hour. My parents are more than willing to keep me on their employers insurance.""

Can anybody tell me what impairment rating have to do with an auto settlement?

my lawyer tells me she cant make a demand to the insurance company till i get an impairment rating from my doctor. what does that mean and what is a good rating?

How much would car insurance be for me?

I am a 16 year old boy and am looking at 95-99 Honda civic coupes manual transmission. I believe the insurance company is AAA and I'm in southern California

I have an insurance question?

If the government regulates and requires auto insurance, why dont they provide it? Flood insurance is provided by the government so why not auto insurance?""

Purchasing car insurance in Vancouver BC?

I bought a vehicle the other day, and went to insure it and realized my ID and License had both been scratched up somehow. ICBC wouldn't accept my ID until I got a new one. So I went to replace my ID and realized my birth certificate had been threw the wash one to many times to be used. So I have to order a new birth certificate from out of province. Anyways it will take at least a month until I have the cards replaced and in the mean time I need to register the vehicle and insure it. Can my sister register and insure it in her name? she is 18 and has no license. How much would it cost ROUGHLY? I live in Vancouver BC, Canada""

Isn't the real problem causing a health care crisis in USA that cost of healthcare/insurance is too high?

Health care costs are out of control and so is the cost to insure. Because of the high cost of insurance many employers no longer offer what used to be a very common employee benefit. So now we millions of americans who are uninsured because they cant afford to go out and pay 600, 700,800, 900 dollars a month for private health insurance coverage. The rich and the fortunate ones with group insurance are taken care of. The ones who dont work and are on medicaid are taken care of, but the ones who are above the poverty line and work but are struggling as it is to make ends meet cannot afford the high insurance premiums and are left uninsured. We need to find a way to make health insurance and health care more affordable ..this is how people will get insurance on their own and the government will not have to tax us more to provide more free health care.""

Will my Speeding ticket increase State farm insurance?

I was recently caught speeding in MN, going 87 in a 60 (I know that;s bad). Is there anything I can do to reduce the cost/penalty such as Traffic school ? Or am I screwed?""

Which is cheaper- homeowner insurance or landlord insurance?

Which is cheaper- homeowner insurance or landlord insurance?

Lunenburg Vermont Cheap car insurance quotes zip 5906

Lunenburg Vermont Cheap car insurance quotes zip 5906

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