#please enjoy this live breakdown as i do fic research

[canonicallyobserving911]

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON Speculation: Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 28 is now available on AO3.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Currently 28 chapters completed: 1.177M Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

___________

Here's a snippet from Chapter 28 of an emotional Eddie and Buck having a heated conversation about sex.

___________

Buck pulls back, meets Eddie’s eyes and whispers, “Mi manchi e ti voglio!” [“I miss you and I want you!”]

“Mi manchi anche tu! Ma… ma non dovremmo… voglio dire, dovremmo fermarci.” [“I miss you too!” But… but we shouldn’t… I mean we should stop.”]

While searching Eddie’s beautiful brown eyes for an answer to his hesitancy, he asks, “Allora qual è il problema?” [Then what’s the problem?”]

Eddie’s not sure how to respond because he wants him and he’s ready to make love but how does he tell his husband he’s afraid he might die during the middle of them having sex? Before January 2nd he never considered it but now, he can’t get the images of Buck’s limp body hanging from the aerial and him lying on the floor of their living room out of his mind.

He asks, “Non mi vuoi?” [“Don’t you want me?”]

Eddie’s eyes widen because he asked the same question two weeks ago.

When he doesn’t verbally respond, his silence says everything Buck needs to hear. He frowns, then he exasperatedly sighs. “Is it me? Did I do something?”

“No! No… no…”

“Then... what are you afraid of Eddie?! Please tell me because I—I don’t understand.”

How will Eddie respond to Buck's question?

___________

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

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Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.

Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.

Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.

Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?

Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.

Chapter 27 - After Buck resumes therapy, he’ll continue to face the fact that he “DIED” in March 2023 and during those sessions, he’ll learn about the 7 stages of grief. As he continues his healing journey, Eddie will be right by his side just like he promised and the Diaz family will start to deal with their three minutes and seventeen seconds loss as a family.

Chapter 28 - Two years ago, Eddie was asked, “What are you afraid of?”; twice, once by Frank and once by Buck but he only answered one of them without deflecting. Since that time, he’s been to therapy and him and Buck got married but the question resurfaces when Frank asks Buck the same question and Buck asks it of Eddie for the second time. However, when Buck asks, his reasoning will be about something else entirely.

Chapter 29 - Will be posted soon.

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Read chapters 1-28 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

[fanaticartisan]

Here are some lil thoughts I've had about the shapes! (If you don't mind reading, of course!)

•Ok so you know how PH is in DBD? Imagine Keeper, still in Silent Hill (he lives there now cuz I love that idea of yours, ok? 😭) missing him badly for weeks on end and wondering where he went until the Entity finally takes him too and the pair reunite in the Entity's realm. It's a very sweet reunion. The pair missed each other so much that they're very reluctant to part for trials!

•The two adopting poor Alessa Gillespie would be interesting. Or instead, they look after a certain mastermind shiba inu that wears a headset. (Yep! It's Mira.)

•A silly one but... Imagine the two trying to slow dance to a song on a radio that Keeper fixed.

•There's a song that reminds me of the two: Candle On The Water by Miracle Musical https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sYbQ5JKgnq8&pp=ygUrY2FuZGxlIG9uIHRoZSB3YXRlciBtaXJhY2xlIG11c2ljYWwgbHlyaWNzIA%3D%3D

(I love these two so much! It's such a unique ship. Thank you for getting me into it. I'm very picky about what I ship. )

What fun ideas!!! I'll share my thoughts on them if you like! 1. Man that would be TORTURE for Keeper. he's so terribly deeply attached to PH now, he'd absolutely have a mental breakdown with him being gone for that long...it would definitely be an immense relief to reunite in the fog! I dont think he'd be very pleased to do trials at all, in my HC he does not want to serve a master any longer. 2. They would be interesting adopted parents for sure! They'd have to learn a lot about what human children need to survive, haha, as neither of them is exactly a normal creature-! Something they could research I suppose! 3. I'm enjoying imagining that very much, thank you <3 let them dance

4. Aaah candle on the water! The original song is from the old disney movie Peete's Dragon - I def see how it's appropriate for them here! If you want, I can share my spotify shapes playlist with you https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7B09VzEFa4JidK1IfHk3WO?si=e12e112e61a64ecb I am honored that you like them! I am also a very picky shipper, ESPECIALLY with characters I really like, so I totally understand how you feel! Thank you for taking the time to be interested in these special boys <3 How did you stumble upon my fic, may I ask?

[hirazuki]

11, 12, and 13 for the ask game, please?

11. Do you write scenes in order, or do you jump around?

I jump around when jotting down ideas; like, if I'm writing something and then I get a random flash of inspiration, I'll jump to further down in my document to type out the sentence/scene/words/whatever, because I know from experience that I will NOT remember it later when I want it.

But when actually properly writing/editing the fic in full, no, my mind requires me to write scenes in order. It's one of the reasons it takes me so long to finish and post stuff, because if I'm stuck on a scene or sick of looking at it while editing, I can't move on to a different section and work on that instead. It has to be in order.

12. Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?

ALWAYS. Mmm, it really depends. When I think of plot/scene sequence, it's very much like watching scenes from a movie in my head -- location, angle, POV, etc., and I really enjoy switching POVs multiple times even within a one-shot. So for pretty much everything, I'll first create sections in the document for each different POV; or, if it's a single POV, sections for each event/scene that happens. After that, if I'm writing a one shot, it's usually just word-vomiting ideas/phrases

kind of like this in this type of format

in each section, along with any relevant canon quotes/dialogue/research I want to use, plus citation of where I found it, in case I want to look it up in its original context again (learned that the hard way XD). So that I can have all of my material readily available to reference as I am writing, without constantly having to run around multiple places to find it and potentially miss something I had wanted to include but forgot.

If I'm writing something that's multiple chapters, I have a separate document in full outline mode, where I keep track of the content of each chapter and what each chapter will address, plus the timeline. For example:

[November] 

Prologue – Chapter 1: Battle on the roof of Las Noches

Chapter 2: Ulquiorra’s revival

Chapter 3: Zanpakuto rebellion + Ulquiorra in Soul Society

[November-February] 

[end of November -- Gotei 13 invading army arc]

[December 2 – Ichigo loses his reiryoku]

Chapter 4: Zanpakuto rebellion cont, Ulquiorra reunites with Orihime; 

[March-April] 

Chapter 5: Hoshi goes to Hueco Mundo, meets Grimmjow; Grimmjow stalks her in living world

^ these are chapters I've already written, so notes are pretty minimal and basically are only the broad contents of each chapter because I delete as I address/incorporate each thing, but for WIPs, each chapter also has a subsection that includes important points, quotes I want to incorporate, scene breakdown, etc.

I rarely ever stray from my outlines. There may be additional ideas or scenes that pop up in my mind that I want to incorporate, but at most it means maybe reshuffling some things around. It's never big enough to change anything significant about the fic.

13. Do you listen to music while you write?  If yes, what have you been listening to recently?

Nope! Music is very, very distracting to me. I require complete silence. I'll listen to music while daydreaming about fic or planning/researching, etc., and that's usually either character/universe playlists I've made or, if what I'm working from has an OST, I'll listen to tracks from that based on vibe (calm/ambient, sad, cheerful, battle, etc.) that matches the tone of the fic. But never when I'm actually writing, no.

Recently, I've had Darkness, The Other Side, and Moonlight Shadow playing on loop while I'm driving and thinking about fictional things. It was just happy coincidence (a matter of time, really, given how much of their music I have) that one of their songs played while I was thinking of Nan Elmoth, so now Blackmore's Night is officially the sound of that forest for me ♡

[oddberryshortcake]

Thank you a ton @basuralindo​ and also @memoryoflife​ for the tagging! I love this stuff and I realized I’m kind of insane because I got 2 bingos 

For some added context!

The first place I posted my fan fictions was FF.Net. I no longer post there as AO3 just has a better format, but I do fondly remember the days of making all my files a keyboard smash and not remembering which one was which lol. One of them is deleted I’m pretty sure, and I sent a lot of pdfs of my fics to people who asked for them before I deleted. Bless them but I can definitely write better now. I’m sure another one is stuck out there in purgatory filled with cringe that I cannot destroy 

I exclusively role-play in private discord chats with @cozymochi​. We’ve made some pretty amazing stories through that, all of Catalyst originated from making a genuinely amazing story through making stuff up on the spot. It’s also a great exercise to better understand the characters. 

I recall beta’ing for someone but I cannot remember who. I’ve also done that a lot in undergrad so maybe I’m just done. Pretty much all my fics go without a beta, with Cozy pointing out mistakes when she reads it either published or sent to her first lol

MOST of the fics are self-indulgent fr, but I also try to make sure it’s enjoyable for everyone if I post them

SOMETIMES I’ll leave kudos with my account and on guest. wHY DON’T THEY LET YOU LEAVE SO MANY MORE 

I don’t really do ship stuff now, but one of my fave ships as a young teen was m/m. I love a good couple that plays off each other well. I’ve definitely started doing more generalized stuff thats always just a bit vaguely melancholy. I also love fluff a lot, even if hurt/comfort and angst is THE stuff. 

My published fics on the account I use here are IZ and TWST. I have another AO3 for DND stories with characters me and my friends use. I also had a lot of YGO Zexal fics but they’re either in my drafts, on an abandoned AO3 account or on @antidotenurse​

I ALWAYS RESEARCH. I cannot write without research. People don’t realize how fun it is to learn about what you’re writing and gain new knowledge. I’m so used to it being a history grad student that it’s basically second nature. 

My ‘outline’ is just random bullet points of stuff that needs to be implemented and isolated dialogue bits lol it’s always out of context, but it helps me remember it 

I live for any sort of feedback 🥺 like if there was something in particular you enjoyed please let me know!

I don’t really get art of my fics and I don’t recall commissioning for any either (my memory is terrible I know) but Cozy has helped me visualize original characters I've implemented, and I have written fics off of stuff she’s drawn so that’s pretty close! 

I get amazing ideas in the middle of the night and I always have to choose between waking myself up and writing it down or going to sleep and forgetting everything 😔 it’s a tough choice, but now that my insomnia isn’t so bad, I can choose write a typo written blurb in my notes more often 

I have written tipsy! and also written terribly ill so close enough 

I have published a few poems and I’m getting one of my research papers published, but it’s not really the same as a book or a short story. I used to have a site for my writing and after a bad breakdown I’ve had a lot of that stuff is gone, but maybe I can start anew someday! It’s not like I’m stopping anytime soon :)

I don’t want to bother anyone with tagging, especially in case they’ve already been tagged, so if you want to do this (it’s fun) then please consider me tagging you!!

Fanfiction Writer Bingo

I was tagged by @backwardshirt in this post!

Ooooh I got a Bingo! I got TWO bingos! THREE!!!

Couple Clarifications:

oh yeah I had a wattpad phase. No, you won't find anything written by me currently on wattpad.

Good luck finding my smut content; it's a secret ;) (if you're under 18, do not ask me for it at all, please)

I never get anything I write beta-read before posting. I don't have that kind of restraint, I want to post when I want to post and I don't want to wait for someone else to read it over (and I am really my own hardest editor anyway; always have been).

"Fanfiction is an actual genre" - I did not mark this one because it's not true? Fanfiction has many genres within it. It is Actual Writing, most definitely, but it isn't it's own genre. It spans across all genres. (it's like saying "novellas are a genre" or "comics are a genre"; no. They are a Form of Media, and very valid, but not a genre)

Yeah, someday I would love to publish original works and be able to make a living doing what I love. I even have some original stuff in the works to hopefully publish, but sometimes I go back and forth with the idea, unsure if I really wanna go down the money route. Yes I know professional writers should have editors and alpha readers and beta readers. But it's different than fanfic. I don't feel like it's the same, so therefore for me it is not and I can justify it. Like how I don't mind being told what to do at work but I will fight anyone who tries to tell me how to live my personal life. :D

Fandoms I (currently) write for:

Bleach, Blue Exorcist, Twisted Wonderland, JJK, Fire Force, BNHA (sort of)

Tagging: @kimium; @azurexsnake; @filipinoizukuu; @kamikazequail; @moonlarked; @sithmonarch

No pressure to participate, but feel free and have fun! (if I tagged you and you don't write/don't currently write, don't sweat it, seriously there's no pressure 💜💜💜. If you write but don't post/haven't posted yet, that's fine too and you can still participate! All fanfic writing counts!!)

Blank form:

[itskatebishops]

im "rewatching" 11x01/02 (skipping thru to what i need) to finish this long ass fic and im just in PAIN (it's not a real liveblog bc i skipped thru but i had a lot of feelings)

Ziva's voice as Tony missed the video call ow

"count to a million im on my way" and Tony saying "this is good" as he looks for a plane ticket

"we're not co-workers anymore, so all bets are off"

ZIVA TEXTING HIM IMPATIENTLY AND TONY BEING INSECURE AND ASKING IF HE CAN STILL COME and ziva signing her text with "xo" shut UP

Vance KNEW that Tony was going to see Ziva there was NO question in his tone

Tony fell asleep and woke up assuming Ziva was back and when it wasnt her he was UPSET and kept trying to make the guy more like ziva ("are you using contractions??")

Gibbs came back and the FIRST thing he asked was "wheres Ziva." bitch ME TOO?!

FORNELL AND GIBBS I LOVE THEMMM

Eschel is hot im just gonna say it

Ziva killed THREE men on her own im so proud of her

Oh man they're just ripping my heart out with this okay why does tony look so mystified by this message also ziva reached out to him and him alone i want to D*E

IM WEEPING DONT WORRY TONY WE WILL BE OKAY

Tony looks so done w mossad sjakajsjks

Her handwriting is different in this one than in the recent episode just saying

god this whole plot is BULLSHIT Gary Glasberg did us wrong

SHE MENTIONED YOU AT THE FUNERAL I COULD SEE WHAT SHE FELT kill me

God she's so pretty

"I'm on her side" goodbye

Bruh you know Deena Bashan was right once Ziva left her apartment she really was not the same mrph

He keeps looking at Ziva offscreen thanks so much Michael

Gibbs KNEW

IM HAVINF A HEART ATTACK

GD THEYRE IN SO MUCH PAIN IM IN SO MUCH PAIN

yo we got so much back story in these

GD no wonder Cote talked about how they didn't respect ziva as a character this plotline is BULLSHIT

HES LITERALLY BREAKING DOWN AND SO AM I what the FUCK

this plotline was SHIT

LITERALLY FUCK U GG.

BULL FUCKING SHIT

BULL FUCKING SHIT

shut the fuck UP

GD I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS FUCKING CANON I HAVE TO WORK WITH HOW DO I FIX THAT GARY HOW THE FUCK

[throwaway-yandere]

"No." (Yandere!Albedo/Reader)

A/n: I got sick but it just so happens I live off of spite so I finally finished this fic. Most characters are a bit/really obnoxious here. Also, the reader's state of mind and relationships with friends are unhealthy so if you're sensitive to the following CW please skip this fic. (If you're wondering why the fic is... Like this then here's me rambling here)

Unreliable synopsis: You kissed the most popular professor on campus. (Subtle yan!fic)

gn!reader

Cw: yandere, unhealthy friendship dynamics with clingy!sucrose & other characters, student/teacher relationship implications, the reader is an eccentric "class clown" with implied mild impostor syndrome, and small mentions of sexual harassment. (I'm not a medical professional so please take the impostor syndrome warning with a grain of salt– just added it in case this type of content is triggering. This isn't smut and it doesn't fully explore the last topic, but still please reach out for support if you are a victim of sexual harassment. Title IX is a very real thing.)

-------

"Does accidentally kissing someone cross a line in Title IX?"

That sentence alone makes you sound incredibly criminal out of context, and it doesn't get better with it either.

Your long-time friend, Sucrose, became fixated on setting you up with a romantic partner after the breakup you had three months prior. 

It was not a heart-wrenching tale, if anything, the entire relationship you had with Arataki Itto plays off as a major joke. You dated the man simply because you thought his impulsive behavior was entertaining, and oddly enough, he found your unpredictable temperament alluring. You just never anticipated that the idiot will buy an overpriced toy drum when you asked him to get a coke and "get something for yourself as well."

It's no surprise you permitted him to spend your money. But that wasn't even supposed to be a gamble. That was just an instruction, and he failed HARD. Arataki "I-swear-you-didn't-say-Pepsi(???)" Itto... got you orange juice. 

Breaking up was a huge relief. Instead of adopting a façade of the partner he wants, you have at last discovered the temporary freedom to choose over what you enjoy. For a while, they didn't treat you like a court jester; instead, they gave you the tender care you'd reserve for a helpless person.

Sucrose was distraught when you two decided to stop everything after Itto wasted most of your money by falling for Dori's scam. She appeared to be more affected than you two. Sucrose must have thought of you two as "the Golden pair" since she is naturally fascinated by research about personalities and relationships— more notably the 16 personality types. Seeing you two break up was an antithesis to her defense on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. You broke up due to (financial) differences, and there's no unreliable science needed to learn that.

Here lies the problem: Sucrose refused to give up.

You've heard concerns about her callous demeanor in person and online. Some people thought it endearing that you have a friend who genuinely cares about you, while others consider her nagging to be a burden, and rightfully so.

You felt icky after accidentally seeing her list of candidates, yet you can't bring yourself to make a strong effort to stop her. Sucrose lost two of her best friends last year in an accident, and you are essentially the only support that's keeping her sanity in check, but sometimes you feel as though you are risking your health on the line. She had written down some questionably extensive background on every man and woman she thought was worthy... You don't even want to know why Ajax is on that list.

No matter the reason, that didn't stop Timaeus from barfing out his triple-layered peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"W-WHAT on EARTH did you DO this time?!"

Sure is tough being a menace to society.

Hah... You're already on the brink of a mental breakdown and yet you still kept making self-deprecating jokes.

"WHAT'S with THE reaction?" You asked, casually copying his tone before you sank to your seat. "It's JUST a QUESTION."

"We know how you work, (Y/n)!" He knew you were purposefully trying to rile him up, yet Timaeus slammed a fist on the table in exaggerated disgust. "You did the EXACT same thing last time. You asked us 'hOw bAd woUld iT bE iF I datEd a gaNgstEr' and then you fucking did it anyways! What the hell– heck."

Timaeus's outburst was audible throughout the entire cafeteria, yet nobody seemed to care. The other people you shared the table with, Ying'er, Collei, and Tighnari all cast curious glances at you. It's not as though they have never heard of your misadventures before, frankly, whenever something happens they avidly observe it. You're all inseparable because of your shticks. However, apart from Sucrose, Dorian had been awol from your friend group, and it is no less due to the headline you're about to announce.

None of them took you too seriously, which they should have, given the nature of Title IX. As "good" friends, they should've worried over your safety and overall wellbeing. 

You could feel tears of fear and frustration swell up in your eyes.

Yet you couldn't be mad at them for reacting this way.

You're the chaotic link– the friend that didn't quite fit in– assigned to the role of being the "funny one." It started with a single joke until you unintentionally formed a false sense of confidence that you're something bigger than what you are. Everyone thinks you're hilarious, and you're afraid of disappointing them. You weren't trying to be funny most of the time, they just want someone to laugh and point at. Even though you are academically above average yourself, without your carelessness and gambles, you practically have nothing to offer this otherwise brilliant population.

Timaeus may not always deliver the right answer in his alchemy test papers, but he's never wrong about you even if he's drunk off of two bottles of Death After Noon. You recall Timaeus specifically in that instance because he was right; you have no future and you won't amount to anything.

In short, your image dilemma can be summed up by something you said high out of your mind in front of the mirror: "I think I accidentally gained an ego after joking about being hot and sexy one too many times, and now I'm being punished for my hubris." (You're never asking Lisa for philosophy book recommendations on Sundays ever again.)

And if it's true that you have no future and that you're nothing more than an insecure fraud, then you might as well come clean right now and let your "friends" break their ties. It doesn't matter, not anymore.

Ying'er laughed heartily. Contrary to her lover, she loves it whenever you act like this since it makes her normally composed and optimistic boyfriend snap and curse... You would know because she constantly divulges pointless details about how "hot" it was in private messages. And you two weren't even that close when she first did that. But now she's practically your unofficial attorney with how many times she played devil's advocate. You'll miss her.

"Why are you already accusing them? Who knows, maybe they're the victim here, babe. You're being too insensitive."

"Yeah, Tim, you should listen to your girlfriend over here." You nudged him and he glared vehemently.

"(Y/n), you're not supposed to openly agree with me, but yeah, why don't you give them the benefit of the doubt?"

You gave Ying'er a weak friendly wink and a thumbs up, feeling repulsed at yourself deep down. It's incredibly flattering for her to insinuate a professor would find you attractive rather than filing a restraining order.

She'll probably hate you once she finds out the truth, right? She did have a crush on your victim.

"This is them we're talking about." Timaeus glared. "They're bound to do something stupid. C'mon, Tighnari, say something!"

Tighnari merely shrugged and stabbed his fork into a mushroom (presumably poisonous, given its unnatural blue color). He had grown tired of dealing with your antics over the years. No lecture had ever worked in the past, and you both telepathically agreed that streak was not going to end today. You're lying about being self-possessed. He knew that whenever this happens, you were trying to be an idiot, and did not allow yourself to be an idiot. There's a fine difference between those two, and he knows which is which.

In a way, Tighnari views you in a more positive light than most of your friends. And he could sense that you have more grave matters to say.

So, he played along to help you set the mood. "I said this yesterday and I'll say it again: we're studying to become botanists. We're growing plants. Our future job isn't to help them grow a brain."

"Facts." You snapped your fingers and smugly nodded.

"Don't just agree with him!"

"You can grow plants all you want but just know my Timaeus right here doesn't need any more growing if you catch my drift~."

"Ying'er." Collei groaned.

"What? I was just saying his height is perfect enough as it is."

"I feel like we're having thirty different conversations at once." 

"Your mother is thirty different conversations at once–"

"Mx. (L/n)."

The table went silent. Except for yourself, who's still droning on, unfinished. Everyone noticed the uninvited man in the cafeteria and their lips were silenced. 

Here he is. 

"–eeegood evening, Professor Albedo." You stood up from your seat and slightly bowed your head down.

It's the untouchable Professor Albedo. The Alchemy Professor on this forsaken campus exudes a breath of freshness even if the scent of chemicals follows him like an affectionate dog. The only person that students would ogle at amid all the balding learning facilitators. Sucrose's mentor. Dorian's 32-year-old brother. The "Kreideprinz".

And the guy that might just sue you for your careless mistake.

Your circle caught the tension between you two and started watching the scene unfold like a car accident.

Professor Albedo cocked his head forward. You never claimed to be one of his adoring fans who can spot his emotions after one look, but your gut tells you that he's more than amused despite his stoic expression. He's similar to Dorian in that aspect.

"I trust that you've read the excerpt I've sent you?" He asked in almost a whisper.

You thoughtlessly lamely pulled up your library-borrowed copy of Title IX. In your perspective, nothing matters anymore, so you might as well let it out there.

Your friends jolted simultaneously, someone even dropped their utensils while Collei hit her knee up the table and hissed at the pain.

"Oh my God..." Timaeus shuddered.

Your friends had the face that collectively screamed "YOU MADE OUT WITH PROFESSOR ALBEDO?!" in all capitals, bold, italics, underlined, shadowed with thick black strokes– whatever makes it more out there. They're not in the wrong to react that way. 

In one single move, you broke 2 rules on the so-called Bro Code, one being the infamous "don't fuck my brother" and the second being the lesser known "don't fuck my professor". Not only that, but most importantly you violated a line or two in Title IX. 

Leave it to (Y/n) (L/n) to break more than three rules on the daily.

... You really should stop making jokes as a coping mechanism.

The cafeteria started to murmur, urging their seatmates for information they don't have. You released a small, clipped laugh. You should've thought that one through.

Tighnari meets your eyes with a sympathetic stare. You could tell he had more to say, but your heavy heart no longer wished to know.

"... Great work." The professor said just as nonchalantly. No doubt, he tried to salvage your reputation but you sabotaged it yourself. How wasteful. He beckoned you forward with one finger. 

"Come with me. We'll talk somewhere more private."

You walked away from your table and gave them one look.

They were incredibly disturbed to see a small sad smile on your face, rather than the wide mischievous grin that they were used to. After seeing that, they all had one emotionally detached thought in mind:

So, it wasn't a joke after all.

--------------

You neither like nor dislike Professor Albedo.

There are multiple fluffs about how friendly and dorkish he is as a reclusive person, but none of them sparked your interest. You often feigned reactions whenever Dorian expresses his apparent disdain for his more successful brother, and your sly smile barely reaches your eyes. If anything, hearing about the same man over and over again makes him feel oversaturated rather than entertaining. He's too perfect in those gossips that you're bored to tears. 

At least the rumors were positively right about one thing: his tastefully braided blonde hair and blue eyes make him no lesser than a portrait of a prince. But no more special than Dorian, in all honesty. You wouldn't be able to know which is which if they wore similar clothes and let their hair down. They're like clones of each other.

Albedo kept fidgeting a hand inside his pocket, and you can't hazard a guess as to what it is. A recording device, perhaps? You pride yourself on your ability to read and toy people like clockwork. That ability, however, does not translate well with Professor Albedo. 

You snapped out of your trance as the professor began reading what was on his clipboard.

"(Y/n) (L/n). 27. Graduate School. Taking a Ph.D. Botany program– though if I hadn't known that, I would've guessed you were a music major." Albedo vaguely pointed at your face without looking. "Your tongue would've fooled me."

You flinched. Is he teasing you or scolding you– you can't make sense of his tone. He's too monotonous.

"Professor, are you uncomfortable right now? If so, I could leave if you wish and we can talk via email instead about your complaint."

Professor Albedo eyed you carefully this time, even though he's squirmish. The tone you used to address him and your overall body language differ greatly from how you behave in the company of your friend group. Your professionalism does not match how the rumors perceive you. This is probably the reason why young professor Kusanali didn't believe any rumors about you. He was impressed.

"Am I supposed to be happy that you’re not giving me a moment of your time?” He said. "It's a bit difficult to achieve that state when you have yet to slip out of my mind. You did assault me yesterday–"

"Yes, yes, I'm well aware of that, Professor." You cringed. "But–"

"Albedo."

"Sorry?"

"You kissed me, (Y/n). I think you can call me Albedo."

"Right." You chuckled nervously. "Like I was saying, P-Professor, it's all a major misunderstanding. I wasn't aiming to assault you."

Albedo raised an eyebrow. He did not miss the way you suavely dodged calling him by name. Other than that, assault is a strong word, and he did not expect you to use it as well. 

You thought it was a fitting word to use. Albedo barely makes eye contact, and he probably doesn't like being reminded that you stole a kiss from him.

"It's Albedo. So, you were planning to sexually assault another student?"

He is relentlessly quick on the uptake. Albedo sounded like a cop. What he said was correct, absurdly phrased, but correct nonetheless.

"I mean..." You rubbed your hands against your pants. They were a bit sweaty, and you had to accept the fact you were not faking it. You are genuinely anxious. "When you put it like that, it does sound inexcusable doesn't it?"

"It is a positively hair-raising notion, yes." Albedo deadpanned. "And if I had to take an educated guess, you were planning to assault my younger brother Dorian and you mistook me for him instead."

"..."

Figuring that out was a no-brainer. Although Professor Albedo is older than his brother, their appearance and physique make them appear twin-like. Dorian once droned about how it happened due to Albedo's poor upbringing under their aunt Alice's guidance, making his growth stunted. And his tendency to talk your ear out is one of many reasons why your intrusive thoughts often suggest that Dorian had no personality outside being the renowned professor Albedo's younger brother. Hence, you don't absorb a word of what he says. You didn't listen to gossip often cause you figured that you were not one for trivial gossip like the rest of the student botanists. 

... And based on the dilemma you find yourself in now, it appears as though you don't have common sense like the rest of your peers either–

"Please stop woolgathering. Is there a more interesting specimen to take note of on the floor? You seem to be more intrigued by what's on your shoes."

You cringed for what you felt like the 1000th milestone at that point.

"Professor, I know that I sound terrible–"

Albedo sighed. "I would never insinuate that, Mx. (L/n)." 

"But you keep cutting me off." You said in a questioning tone. It sounded a lot more polite in your head, yet the famous Kreideprinz was flustered by your reply.

He cleared his throat. "Sorry. I didn't mean to. Carry on. You are aware that you sound like a sex offender, and?"

That came out incredibly cold. It felt like being under the cold blade of a frigid prince, and his icy stare and light complexion just adds the cherry on top. The professor said that he wasn't insulting you but his paraphrasing is exactly that. You didn't comment on it, figuring your education is more important than a harsh remark, and continued.

"... The truth is," you took a deep breath. "I only kissed you cause, well, I mistook you for Dorian, and also because I was trying to get Sucrose–."

"Sucrose?" Professor Albedo's eyebrows furrowed. "Sucrose, one of my–"

"Your student assistants? Y-Yes, sir." You nodded hesitantly. "We're best friends– not that it's unsurprising since I am a bad influence and she's a good person. I recently went through a breakup and she's worried about me. Dorian agreed to fake date and make Sucrose believe that she accidentally found us making out in a room to make it more believable but–"

"You mistook me for my brother."

"... Yeeaaahhh...."

"..."

This reminded you of your conversation with Dorian a while back. You asked if he and his brother would switch lives for a day, and he cackled and told you it happens more than the number you were thinking of. The moment you realized who you were kissing, you clung to the sliver of hope that it was Dorian wearing his brother's lab coat. It was not.

You looked down at your shoes again. It's too embarrassing and shameful that your entire lineage will probably be cursed. 

"..."

Knowing that you won't talk until he does, Professor Albedo read through his notes for a topic.

"Understandable. I presume you know my brother because you're both on the same course and are on similar schedules?"

"Yes, sir." Should you tell him the whole fake-date thing was Dorian's idea as well?

"It's Albedo to you. And to add to that, Sucrose is under the impression that we're dating."

"I think so, sir."

"That's not a question, (Y/n), that's a fact." He said. "She recently confronted me to ask if we're dating."

You gulped. Moment of truth.

"What did you tell her, sir?"

"What do you want me to tell her?"

You could hear your pulse pounding in your ears. 

On one hand, you want her to know what happened, but at the same time that would just blow you and Dorian's cover story.

But was that a smug tone you heard? Is he toying with you?

You bit your bottom lip. 

"... Yes, I think? What did you say, professor?"

"Albedo."

You tilted your head. "What?"

"Respectfully, please call me by my name and I'll tell you the answer." He smirked curtly, but it was gone before you could process it.

"S-Sir!"

Albedo shrugged. "Guess you'll have to ask her directly–"

"Sir Albedo–"

"Hmm, I don't recall having 'Sir' in my birth certificate–"

"Albedo! Albedo!" Geez.

He gave a small smile, longer this time. But he was still avoiding eye contact. You puffed your cheeks, embarrassed.

Prof. Albedo has a slightly twisted sense of humor.

None of this was professional, at all.

You felt your face growing warmer. You can't believe this is the same Albedo everyone is crushing on. 

You bit back a sharp retort. He sounded a lot more serious in campus gossip, and not the type to pull on your heartstrings like this. Your faith in that image is wearing thin.

The professor laughed. "I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting such an enthusiastic reply. You don't have to be nervous around me, (Y/n). I figured that if we were going to do this, you could use my first name.

"I refrained from answering. But, if you wish, I can confirm her suspicions. However, I must inform you in advance that I find relationships rather... Tiresome." Albedo robotically sighed. "I struggle to maintain them, so you will have to guide me."

Never in your life have you ever considered the possibility that a professor in your grad school would ask you to fake a romantic relationship with him. 

You digressed, not wanting to make a decision just yet. "But isn't your job in danger?"

Albedo then spoke in a genuine trill of amusement. 

"Not at all. Besides, I don't care enough to file a complaint about this incident. Also, you're not my student. Suffice it to say, I've thoroughly checked the handbook and consulted the headmaster herself. Rhinedottir sees no problem with this arrangement–"

Probably because she's your mother.

"–Granted, it will not be in full effect unless you give this a go signal. Will you?"

You looked away.

"This situation... Kinda reads like some cheap Harlequin novel, doesn't it?" You muttered.

It's a great offer. But it sounds too good to be true...

... Did he say that he wasn't going to file a complaint in the first place?

The professor watched as your impassive stare morphed into something uneven and sly but unavoidably empty. You clicked your tongue as your hands slip back to your pockets. Albedo could tell you're holding back an ugly laugh.

A switch had been flipped.

Professor Albedo immediately noticed the change in your demeanor and crossed his arms. He's anticipated this much. There's no way he didn't know about your "self-destructive patterns."

How interesting. For both you AND him.

"So, Albedo." You lazily pointed at him. "Something's fishy about this, don't you think?"

"You're too eager to help. I'd get it if you have something to gain from this, like scaring off your fangirls or something, but you fend them off just fine anyways." You grinned.

"I'm flattered that you think I send them away effortlessly." He answered point-blank.

Albedo turned to you, his face dim and heavily affected by his calm resignation.

"It's incredibly taxing work. I've told you before, haven't I? I may seem calm on the surface but people can be... A considerable handful."

His smile belied the severity of his inner turmoil.

But you can't help but doubt him. You don't buy his pitifulness.

You reassessed the situation in an instant. The Albedo you're talking to acts far from the untouchable Chalk Prince from the get-go. His words did not boast his usual research-riddled speech. This act is more than just premeditated.

Sure. You're the sort who is bound by what you "owe," but you can't say you can't empathize with his problems because he didn't seem-- he ISN'T troubled in the first place. And you're almost sure of it.

You believe you're not smart enough to remain in this university. But at least you have faith that you're perceptive and street-wise. 

Still, you kept your hollow cheeky grin plastered to your face.

"Then why aren't you taking a less problematic approach? You could say you're dating Professor Alberich– you'd get some people off your back."

Translation: Can't you just bother someone else?

"By attracting other unpleasant folks pestering me about Kaeya instead, yes, seems like a sound suggestion. I'll keep it in mind for future reference."

Translator's note: He's being sarcastic. Stop trying to worm your way out of this one.

Albedo continued. "But right now that's not viable. If you feel guilty for stealing a kiss from me this may be a good opportunity to ease your conscience."

...

"That's it? But you won't report me if I didn't agree to these terms, right?"

"Of course. I have your best interests in mind and simply warned you." He gave you a faint smile, hoping to ease your nerves. "You're part of Rukkha's batch of dean's listers. I don't have the heart to file a complaint."

Rukkha was a great woman, but you don't deserve your scholarships and sponsors. You don't have any talent or skill to truly impress people, and it seems you fooled both Professor Rukkhadevata and Albedo into thinking you're something special as well.

"Professor...."

But with what he basically said just now is that there are no consequences for your actions.

"It's Albedo, and yes?"

"You seem to have reserved some very unrealistic expectations for me. You should be more distrusting."

"... What do you mean?"

"I don't see any reason to accept your offer." You honestly had no idea where this confidence is coming from. Perhaps your class clown persona had slowly rubbed off on the "real" you, and for once you didn't hate yourself for it.

Because you don't want to be in this relationship. It's legal, yes, and you're old enough, but you're incredibly wary. Albedo may be leagues better than Itto but that's beside the point: you're emotionally spent and you're not ready to get to know another person.

"Oh, understood. For starters, agreeing to these terms will make Sucrose less abrasive with her attempts to set you up, and I could help you with connections."

"That sounds as though I'll be abusing your influence..."

You paused. 

Did you tell the professor about Sucrose's disturbing attempts to hook you up with people earlier...?

You don't recall ever sharing that bit of information. You made sure to pick your words carefully so Sucrose wouldn't be seen in a bad light. Since when did he...

"What? No, it's not. It's simply a small trade for your cooperation."

"No."

"And– sorry?"

You can see the appeal. You truly do. When you are chosen by someone of greater influence and intellect, it seems almost magical. He could undoubtedly help your botany profession thrive. Most people would conclude that if Professor Albedo chose them from the crowd, they must be extremely unique in comparison to their peers. 

However, this is somewhat unethical. This is the kind of scenario you'd find in a shoddy coming-of-age novel that desperately tries to convince you that there are no other elements to consider but love. However, you must also consider your mental health, reputation, education, and other factors that influence every fiber of your being.

Albedo isn't the type of person who would jeopardize your future over a minor disagreement, but you never know with people. People change as much as seasons do. You are a living example of this. Itto would not have used that argument against you if it were untrue.

You have nothing against those who engage in lawful student-teacher relationships, but you're self-aware enough to recognize that you're not mentally fit to enter one. And sometimes the conclusion is as straightforward as that. Besides, you're sick of having others (including yourself) continually doubting your intelligence. Fake-dating a professor will only exacerbate the situation. Rumors will spread that you only earned your grades because of him and not out of your efforts. Dorian already had it rough, and you've learned what it's like through him. Simple self-preservation.

"Thanks for the offer, really, but no. If I'll date someone, even if it's fake, I want to set it under my terms as well." 

You scratched your neck, eyes lifeless.

"I'm sorry, Professor. But I genuinely can't see why this agreement will help both of us, I especially can't see why this will benefit you compared to your other options. I could just come out and say I mistook you for Dorian and it's an easy fix to my problems and in turn, you wouldn't have to deal with the stigma of dating a student. I'm sorry, Prof. I'll take a rain check on it." 

You shrugged uncomfortably. "Besides, this is still a student-teacher relationship. I'm uncomfortable being in an uneven power dynamic like that. I'd rather date Dorian instead."

...

Shit. 

Okay, maybe accidentally implying that you're open to dating his kid brother had to be the second most uncomfortable thing you subjected Albedo to.

You didn't mean to come off as THAT honest.

A test tube must've cracked somewhere around the area cause you could've sworn you heard something shatter. You flinched, but he didn't.

"... Is that so." The professor muttered. You almost didn't hear him from how silent his defeat was.

You sighed in relief so intense that you physically felt your shoulder muscles relax and your eyes roll back. Seems like he gave up.

"I promise that I'll pay you back in other ways, professor. I owe you and I'm sorry. But I must refuse for both our sakes." You said. "I have taken something important from you, and I will respectfully understand if you file a complaint for what I've done. No one should have a kiss stolen like that."

He didn't reply. Albedo stood there, eyes unblinking as he mulled over your words. At the beginning of this conversation, he barely looked you directly in the eye, but now he refused to look away. 

You waited for him to say something else and stood there for a solid minute. Nothing came. 

"Please, excuse me."

You wanted to say that you left to give him more time to consider but the truth is that you couldn't bare standing there for a second more so you left in a frantic hurry. 

It was only when you left did you realize what made you wary of him the entire conversation.

Professor Albedo wasn't breathing the entire time.

-------

Upon unlocking his door, Albedo was greeted by a boy with a face akin to his. He was waiting for him, and in turn, Albedo anticipated that he would be here, too. The boy sat idly and almost casually inside a room littered with wall to wall of red-stringed photographs and texts, and there was not a single hint of disgust or any other natural reaction on his face. Albedo's nose scrunched.

Dorian did not budge from his brother– master's office chair. He stared back with a blank expression. Most papers were by his feet, crumpled, but not discarded. How could they be, when all pictures centered around one very precious subject:

You.

You, in all forms, poses, and angles make you ineffably you. These are the candid shots that bring out the little moments that Albedo longed to study under a microscope. They didn't need to be dynamic, rather, Albedo adored the simplest pictures the most. Needless to say, images of you resting is the most popular. It's a lot more convenient and easy to take, but that doesn't cheapen the value and elation the professor feels upon holding the finished polaroid up close.

Every time he swapped schedules with Dorian, he couldn't help but be curious about you.

It doesn't stop there. Albedo clicked his tongue as he noticed the journal Dorian held. It was his dog-eared notes he cleanly put together when jotting down your schedule, private life, and other more delicate intricacies. The clipboard he had earlier is nothing more than a silly prop compared to his actual notes. There's something so breathtaking about making the "unknown" into the "known", and the same applies to every bit of your life that he was curious about. Albedo's aware that it's not something he should brag about. Retrieving paraphernalia such as worn-out gardening gloves and locks of hair from your shower drain was not something he acquired robotically. However, he didn't fancy the idea that Dorian read it and found it just as entertaining as he did. He didn't like the idea of sharing.

Maybe you were right.

Maybe he did reserve some very unrealistic and idolized expectations for you. But that was only because he can see your potential. He firmly believes that. It's an awful and objectifying train of thought, but the professor is convinced he'll be the one who can "fix" your people-pleasing issue.

He figured, if he wants to make sure you'd always be with him, he had to conduct some trial-and-error.

Albedo breathed harshly. He forgot how to do so. He never needed to breath.

"Did it work?" Dorian asked. "Did your plan work?"

His eyes went dim.

Albedo didn't answer.

He locked the door again. This time, he allowed Dorian to keep the lights on. If anything, it's a small reward for indirectly helping him. But not even his fellow creation can have what the genius professor of the century desires to attain. He has to face the truth.

Albedo pulled out a recording device from his pocket. You said no. There's nothing he could do about that. 

"No."

"No. No. No. No. No--"

He played your refusal over and over again.

He thought he did everything right. He genuinely believed he followed the right procedure in getting you to say yes. What went wrong, then? Albedo doesn't get it. He was sure that he didn't say anything wrong or suspicious as well. You shouldn't have known that he had been following you from that conversation alone. 

"No."

He practiced everything for hours.

"No."

Word for word.

"No."

He researched tips and tricks on how to let other people's guard down.

"No."

He thought not pressuring you to do it will make you more willing.

"No."

He even asked Alberich how to subtly flirt with someone.

"No."

So. What went wrong?

"No--"

Albedo slowly blinked before realizing he had thrown the device against the wall in full force. The batteries and their other internal components spilled on the floor. He didn't have the willpower to clean it up. 

It's an undeniable error. He still can't believe his approach failed.

Master was right.

"Dearest Albedo, if you can't have them in their most authentic self, then what's stopping you from making an indistinguishable copy?"

[baku-bowl]

broke 1,000 followers (the fuck? I don't even make content people), so decided to write up a list of some (but not all, I'll make other lists later) of my favorite Bakugou-centric fic recs. my tastes run towards hurt/comfort, as you'll probably figure from the list. if there are some Baku-centric fics that you've enjoyed that aren't on here, please add them - this is definitely not a complete list of the ones I've read and love, but I'm always up for some recs. <3

fair warning, most of these are wips.

------------------------------------------------

Social Media 101 by WindsChild8178

Part 1: Survival Guide to Fucking Up

[Solely Bakugou’s point of view]

Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. He’s aggressive in everything he does and does everything with 100% of his heart in it. After the Sport’s Festival, Katsuki starts to get harassed by strangers for his unheroic demeanor. It starts with letters but it doesn’t end there. The moment Katsuki realizes the harassment has entered dangerous territory and he needs to tell someone, it’s already too late.

Part 2: Post Traumatic Life Disorder

[Point of View opens up to Bakugou, teachers and classmates]

When the Dorms are finally built, everyone is settling in well, but things become tense as people begin to realize something isn’t right with the recently rescued Bakugou.

[Cannon compliant right up to after the License Exam]

hands down my favorite fic in the fandom right now. it’s the one that converted me into a Bakugou lover. if you have any fondness for Bakugou as a character then it’s likely you’ve read this one already, but if not, I can’t recommend it enough. incredibly depressing, but with the hope that comfort is coming soon in the next few chapters.

The Kids Will Be Alright, Eventually by NotWithThatAttitude

Bakugou is spiraling in the aftermath of Kamino and his friends are starting to notice. He's stubborn, aggressively independent, and less than willing to dig into his past, but after a breakdown that ends with a painful secret revealed, he starts to get help.

Whether he likes it or not.

Meanwhile, a new kind of villain threatens an uneasy peace following the loss of Allmight. Whispers build as a new narrative slowly takes shape:

Hero society needs to change.

Feat. Therapy, Dadzawa, best boy Kirishima, dysfunctional families, healing, growing up, and the mortifying ordeal of being known

guys.. the medical accuracy of this fic is just... *chef’s kiss*

I rarely see mental health genuinely handled well in fics, but this one goes above and beyond. kudos to the author for doing such excellent research into psychology, and making the application of it in here not-boring. also, while this one does have abusive!Mitsuki, it’s done in a way that feels realistic, and how I usually will see it occur in real life, rather than just for the hurt/comfort feels.

fair warning, the fic can be incredibly triggering (themes of severe depression, PTSD, panic attacks, rape survival, abuse survival, suicidal ideation/attempted suicide, among other things), so be safe and heed the tw’s if you decide to read. legitimately one of my Top Favorite fics in this fandom.

Lock and Key by autochorystalize

Bakugou made a choked, gravelly noise before croaking out a low, “You can’t be serious.” His fingers ached to blow up everything in the room.

“I’m sorry, young man, but you can’t change reality! This sometimes happens.” Recovery Girl clicked through his file, adding a new symbol in a previously empty slot.

- - -

A pair of eyes discreetly locked on to an explosive blond plowing his way forward, parting people in his path. He recognized the kid, of course. Anyone in the underbelly of society would recognize him, after the publicity of both UA’s Sports Festival and the events leading up to All Might’s fall. The uniform he was wearing cast away any doubts about the young man’s identity.

It was a bit of a surprise that the little firecracker presented as an omega.

- - - - - - - - -

Or: there are certain types of evil that seemed too distant, archaic violations and perversions that would never actually threaten bright-eyed heroes-in-training in the clean, modern world...but sometimes those evils aren't as distant as one might think.

remember when I said that I love a/b/o fics that are full of plot and world-building and gender-induced tension? that’s this one. the OC’s are fabulous and you love to hate ‘em. also, it’s the fic that made me fall head-over-heels for the TodoBaku dynamic, so it’s got a special place in my cold, dead heart. 

be warned, there are rather explicit non-con scenes between an adult (OC) and a minor (Bakugou) in this one, but the author warns for them in advance, and you could likely skip those parts without missing too much if you need to.

Never and Always, Eventually by Wawa_Boonliang

"Katsuki can remember the exact moment that he and Deku…that he and Midoriya Izuku became friends. He can also remember the moment he and Izuku became fierce rivals, a time when they were almost enemies.

However, what he remembers most clearly about their relationship is the moment that they moved passed rivals and became something more close than mere friends. Something more like brotherhood, something forged in fire and secured in the middle of a battlefield or in the midst of natural disaster where the number of the dead was climbing ever higher. And then it was torn from him."

Katsuki is given a second chance. A chance to save everyone. A chance to change everything.

But should he?

y��all. I’m a slutty, slutty whore for time travel fics. a time travel fic with autistic!coded Bakugou? it was love at first read.

Lessons Learned by Sif (Rosae)

Rather than the police station, Katsuki's friends bring him to a hospital after rescuing him from the villains. His wounds were minor, but it didn't make having them treated any less important. As it would so happen, Best Jeanist was also brought to this hospital after the attack.

Sometimes, small choices have a big impact on how a story plays out.

classic Bakugou hurt/comfort. this fic opened me up to the potential that could be a genuinely good Best Jeanist & Katsuki mentor-mentee relationship, and I kind of dig it and search ravenously for it in other fics now. I’m also a huge fan of the behind-the-scences Pro Hero Chat group.

Slope by sunfleurmoon

“I’m not a hero. Or a good person,” Katsuki says, giving Aizawa a pointed look, “So leave me alone. I don’t care about the League or UA, or you—” The two years he’s been away have been fine, more than fine, fucking fantastic actually if you ignore the bi-monthly near-death experiences. He doesn’t need this place. He doesn’t miss this place.

And yet, longing, a childish desire to tear up, or maybe blow something to bits, they all twist in his chest like a band of traitors regardless. “—I just want to go home.”

Or: the one where Katsuki and Izuku fail the first term exam, Aizawa discovers their pasts, and Katsuki is booted from UA. Featuring questionable descriptions of villain organizations, a slightly illegal moving shop, and your favorite emotionally constipated badass in distress with a newly discovered penchant for collecting strays.

paaaaaaiiiiiiiin. the hurt is ALIVE in this one. lots of tortured, angsty exploding child goodness. the OC’s are excellently crafted, and the Bakugou & Eri relationship? beautiful. definitely deserves a read.

Ground Zero by WindsChild8178

In the wake of Kamino, Katsuki is tested more than anyone could imagine. Bound by a villain’s quirk to keep his silence or die, he lives each day knowing it might very well be his last. He continues to work towards becoming a hero, keeping his secret from his classmates and teachers, focusing on making it through each day and trying not to allow the panic or depression to get the best of him. When the villain finally corners him with demands in exchange for his life, there is really only one answer Katsuki Bakugou can give.

honestly don't know which I want updated more - social media 101 or ground zero. this author's fics are amazing, and I really wasn't expecting the twist in this one. can't wait for windschild to come back to this fic some day.

The Defect by LadyGreenFrisbee

"Why do you want to win the Sports Festival so badly?" 

Because I want to see if the defect could usurp the masterpiece.

(In which Endeavor holds a terrible secret and Bakugo has to suffer since childhood for it.)

a great concept, and I adore the shouto and Katsuki sibling interaction here. hoping the author will come back to this one some day.

A Name That You'll Remember by Heronfem

Kirishima Eijirou is a Hero. Bakugou Katsuki... is not. Trapped in his toxic workplace and increasingly desperate to get out, Red Riot's days are only brightened by a new villain known as Caution, who's not exactly villainous and keeps accidentally doing good deeds. But when a real villain appears, a threat from the past that demands that Red Riot make the ultimate sacrifice to keep the public safe, Bakugou is forced into saving the day... and eventually, Red Riot himself.

sob story good guy villains are my weakness, this fic is a gem, and I'd kill for the sequel.

Our Hero by AnonymousTwit

He felt everything jerk to the side and throw his balance off before he saw anything, dust clouding his vision and irritating his lungs as the earth itself opened up to swallow them whole. For a single moment, in a millisecond's time, his wild eyes locked with Raccoon Eyes', hers alight with fear and adrenaline-fueled desperation. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized that it was the first time she'd looked at him with something other than long-deserved hatred in days.

And then he was free falling.

Or

After a particularly nasty encounter between childhood friends, the class learns about Bakugou and Midoriya's dark history and practically ostracizes Bakugou while trying to defend Midoriya. An earthquake during an outing has all sides regretting their decisions.

just fucking tear apart my self-sacrificing faves in every way imaginable while their loved ones watch on in terror. 💖🥰💖 this one is heavy on the Bakusquad and Class-1A feels, and VERY heavy on the Mina & Bakugou relationship (platonic).

Running back the tape, watching it replay by Faralyne

For someone ripped from their time, ripped from the few but strong relationships built by time and personal development, by self-reflection and swallowed pride, ripped from the one thing that made him feel worthwhile and needed and put-together, and forced to forge everything over again—Katsuki thinks he is handling it pretty fucking well.

Or

A villain’s quirk sends a 29-year-old Bakugou back in time to his middle school days.

am I a sucker for time travel? yes. am I a sucker for vigilante!bakugou? also yes. am I a sucker for this fic? literally refreshing the page in wait for an update as we speak.

Liability by sandelf

After All-Might dies rescuing Bakugou from the League, Bakugou is determined to prove it wasn't for nothing.

But the world is against him, his grief is overwhelming, and his stability is splitting at the edges.

very self-indulgent bakugou angst. tw for harassment, severe depression, and suicidality.

Special Mentions:

How To Win The Sport Festival: A Step By Step Guide by mhwright

Short re-imagining of the Sports Festival Arc if Shinso had planned a little better and worked a little harder to win the Sports Festival and if the match-ups had been slightly different. Self-indulgent fic of watching him succeed.

this is completely Shinsou-centric, not Bakugou-centric, but I love and adore it and am dying for a sequel. Shinsou is Best Boy here and you'll be rooting for him the whole time.

[crackinwise]

My pet AU is Kiyotaka and Mondo somehow out in the post-Tragedy Japan, surviving and saving people. Like either they didn't agree to stay locked in Hope's Peak for safety, or they survived the game and left with the others but didn't join Future Foundation. Major points up front, details divided into sections under the cut:

Mondo's objective would be to find his gang, and Taka's goal, besides finding his dad, would be repairing society while punishing those responsible for its destruction. But their direct task is keeping each other safe & helping victims along the way.

Mondo even stresses calling Taka "Ishimaru" instead of "bro" or his given name in front of others, so they might KNOW who's saving them. Taka caught on quick & is very grateful.

Taka would have kind of a breakdown reconciling who he is with what he has to do in a lawless world where every public moral is ignored. He keeps a small ledger of places they loot from, to compensate in the future.

At the start, Taka can only sleep burrowed against Mondo's chest or back, blocking out their damaged surroundings & pretending everything is as it was.

He cries in Mondo's arms one night after he couldn't avoid killing someone to save Mondo's life, and that's the tipping point. He thinks if he was better, stronger like his bro, he'd have noticed sooner & found a better option. Mondo is being so brave; he's Taka's rock and Taka wants to be as steady for him too. Their souls are already connected so obviously he just has to borrow more of Mondo's spirit, right?

That's how Ishida is created.

(In reality, Mondo just compartmentalizes and shoves down unhelpful feelings. You thought he needed therapy BEFORE all this, oh man-)

Ishida:

Taka ends up slipping into the Ishida facade for fight and flight; any time adrenaline kicks in and he feels he needs that boost. Sadly, that's most of their waking time. He guards Mondo and anyone they're saving like a fierce watchdog, and won't hesitate to bite.

He'll only come out of the role when he personally verifies it's safe and if Mondo can confirm it. Survivors are confused by the dual-sided Ishimaru switching right in front of them, but they're so grateful (and so much weird crap has happened) that it never phases them long.

Too many times, Ishida will go all day without a break. This means when their hideout for the night is absolutely safe, that it's okay to let go, Taka just collapses in exhaustion. But Mondo is there to catch him.

Mondo feels conflicted over the Ishida role because Taka is just a beast in it--it's very flattering and a little hot--but it also makes him worry more than before about Taka's health. He comforts Taka with a lot of praise and reassurances, and Taka sleeps lightly but otherwise fine.

Relationship: (slight mature warning)

When they touch, Taka swears he can feel the link between them flare to fuel them. Twin fires ignited. Mondo doesn't know about all that, but when their eyes meet it definitely makes him feel invincible, so, he can believe.

If they weren't already new boyfriends when The Tragedy hit, all this closeness makes sure of that soon after. Being together is their happiness and, for a while, their only link to pre-Tragedy lives. Vows not unlike marriage were exchanged one night. Where one goes, the other will follow. Anywhere. Always.

When they kiss, safe and alone, Mondo will ask what Taka wants; what he can handle that night. Sometimes it's just the kisses before passing out, sometimes it's more intimate touches to please them both after another hellish day.

Sometimes Taka will ask to be made love to, for obvious couple reasons, but also because Mondo inside him makes their tether feel stronger, more complete. Like going over the invisible line in bold marker. Taka believes any marks they can create with their mouths, any traces of themselves they can leave on or in each other, the easier they can find their bond and tap into it. (He had started a nervous habit of pressing in on lovebites to keep Ishida going when tired.)

Mondo tells him he doesn't need to find a poetic excuse for fetishes and Taka lovingly answers with a stomach punch.

Crazy Diamonds:

Mondo's gang members, the ones not dead or overcome with Despair, are slowly found and joined back up.

Any smaller and sturdier motorcycles are kept when found. If Mondo was able to keep his own in this version, it's a bit heavier than would be good for any off-roading--and much too loud for any stealth--but he refuses to part with it.

Every gang member respected Taka/Ishida the second they saw him fight beside their leader. Before Mondo says a word about him. They readily take orders from him in either form. The change in appearance was a surprise, but they're already used to some members wildly changing demeanor in or away from the gang, so it's easily accepted.

With the gang as backup to keep watch during downtime--after Ishida sized each one up and watched them for loyalty--the pair can feel a lot more relaxed. They joke about having a date in a blown-out restaurant they find, and they can finally enjoy a deep sleep.

When the group finds safehouses with more than one room, Mondo & Taka are given their privacy. Taka tries to insist everyone deserves a chance at privacy and they should rotate, but changing a gang's long-established hierarchy is a losing battle. And Mondo's not on his side because when they're alone he can be as sappy or touchy as he likes.

Legends:

Taka and Mondo save a lot of people over their journey and kinda become a legend that gets spread around and gives people Hope.

This area still needs work from me. Probably some research into Japanese myths and supernatural symbolism. A placeholder right now is something corny like "Two Men with burning eyes and thunderous voices will answer your cries for help. But if you're evil, the two will appear to you as One Demon and drag you down to the land of the dead."

There's also probably a need for costume changes since their color scheme is the same black & white of the Despair Remnants and monokumas killing people. Legend or not, it'd be easy for traumatized survivors to not know they're good guys at first.

Darker Moments: (blood, violence and vague attempted sexual assault)

After he killed a man to save Mondo, Taka luckily (he wouldn't use that word) doesn't have to again. Hurt? Yes. Beat unconscious? Yes. Maim? Yes, but some of the vile dregs of humanity are caught doing things that deserve worse--

--That deserve Mondo. Once when they were still traveling alone, a group of Remnants jumped them, managing to separate the two, and one knocked Taka out with a bad blow to the head. Mondo dispatched the others attacking him and got to Taka right as the Remnant was about to do something unforgivable.

Mondo snapped. He still doesn't remember what he did, he just remembers coming to in all the blood and dazedly picking Taka up to take him to a place he knew was safe.

Taka never finds out. He woke up a day later with a bandaged head and Mondo crying and kissing his hands. Mondo just told him he beat some and scared away the others.

Minor Details:

They try to always fight back-to-back and, to observers, seem to read each other's mind for where to move.

Taka/Ishida would use a sword or hand-to-hand. The pickaxe might just be a random pickaxe they find, if he uses it at all. Kinda hard to carry both a sword and a railroad pickaxe on your back, and I can't imagine it balances very well. (The size in official pics would be a 5lb head w/2-3lb handle.)

Mondo seems like he would use anything lying in debris to fight. Poles, pipes, chains. Aaaand maybe the knives he mentions in School Mode.

For any costume changes, Mondo would keep his jacket at least. A beacon for the Diamonds. Maybe a purple tank top, and different pants better for knife holsters. Unless the holster should wrap around his waist or hip instead?

Any changes to Taka's outfit would keep his armband. It's a reminder of his Talent and his goal to make Japan even better than before. Also wanna keep his boots or change to more rugged ones.

End Goal:

Obviously they'd end up in Towa, after the events of Ultra Despair Girls. They're reunited with Takaaki and Takemichi. Maybe they help set things right there a bit, or Makoto would get word to them about his plans vs Future Foundation's. Look at me, do I look like someone that knows how to end things?

There is no way you read all that. (I love you if you did.) But feel free to use all or any bits of it in your own works. Almost positive I'll never get to compose all this into a coherent fic format. I might update in short scenario posts under a 'Tragedy-survivor au' tag if I think of anything.

If you have a question or want something expanded upon, ask away.

[penguiduck]

The Kurama Duality: My Very First Official Headcanon!

Ah, the Kurama duality.

I've been asked this a lot, and people seem to like my interpretation, so I figured I'd list my official headcanon here.  I’ve gone into far more detail in my Kurama x Reader fic, Embracing the Seasons, specifically chapter 25, if you’re interested, but here’s a summary.

Let's get something out of the way: Kurama does not have a split personality disorder.

Yoko Kurama and Shuichi Minamino are not two different beings.  They are one and the same.  Kurama explicitly says this in the English dub: “This is a merger, not a possession.”  In other words, when Yoko Kurama escaped from certain death, he fused his soul with that of Shuichi Minamino, and they became one.

I think there are three aspects of this duality.  I know, I know.  It's confusing because the word "duality" implies that there are specifically two opposing sides, but hear me out.

There is Yoko Kurama, the ancient demon, who was cold and cruel, and did all sorts of morally reprehensible things.  He plotted and thieved, and probably killed anyone who stood in his way.  While the dub isn’t explicit about the crimes he committed in his demon days, aside from stealing artifacts, I think, given Kurama’s feelings of regret, he likely made some horrible choices.

Then there is Shuichi Minamino, the human boy with whom Yoko Kurama fused his soul.  As a result, Shuichi grew up with a soul that was at least half demon, and as such, he was probably not an easy child to raise, influenced by his demon heritage.  Yoko Kurama’s intention, after all, was to leave Living World after he recovered from his encounter with Spirit World’s Special Defense Force.  His mother, Shiori, showed him unconditional love and compassion, and it was through her tenderness that he came to love her.

But having these two disparate identities is a lot to handle.  Here’s Yoko Kurama, who has a very demon perspective — no doubt, in Demon world, sometimes you just have to survive, and as such, Yoko Kurama is ruthless, vindictive, and cunning because he was successful at being just that.  It is how one survives as a demon — on brutal instinct and carnage.  On the other hand, here’s gentle Shuichi who was raised to be polite and empathetic with his fellow humans, who loves his mother and cares deeply for his friends.  Shuichi is not Yoko Kurama, and even though their souls are fused together, Shuichi still has a childhood innocence, a naiveté about him.  As he was growing up under the tender care of Shiori, Shuichi may have loathed her without completely recognizing why.  And Shiori, bless her heart, may have attributed his misbehavior to childish tantrums.  It wasn’t until he understood her selfless devotion that even the cold-hearted Yoko Kurama learned to love her, too.

These two equally valid pieces of himself are so different, their values and methodologies conflicting at times. They are impossible to consolidate.

To strike a balance, it was a third identity, Kurama, who surfaced to mediate between the two.  He is able to harmonize Yoko Kurama’s ruthless and calculating calm with Shuichi’s kind-hearted, reflective nature.  This is the Kurama with which the main YYH cast is familiar.

Again, Yoko Kurama, Shuichi, and Kurama are not different people, per se.  They are one and the same, sharing the same soul.  However, they can have wildly different tendencies, ambitions, and motivations.  

In the English dub, Kurama refers to these aspects of himself as personalities or identities, which is perfectly fine, but I think such verbiage can lead people to think that he has a dissociative personality disorder.

I like to think of them as perspectives, and I use a glasses lens analogy to help interpret them.  In Embracing the Seasons, chapter 53, Kurama explains to the reader character, his girlfriend, why he is so cold to her when he takes on his demon form:

“_____, I love you with every fiber of my being, as I’ve never loved anyone before. I promise you that. And thus, every component, every piece of my soul loves you as well. Even Yoko Kurama loves you. When I take his form, I may behave differently. It may help to think of each identity as me looking through tinted glasses of varying color. These lenses do not define my sight, but my mindset, my method of thinking.

“When I must be Shuichi, I see the world through a very human perspective. I live each day, waking up, going to work, doing my research, writing financial publications. I pay the bills, I shop for groceries, I spend time with friends. I live for my mother, for my stepfather, for Kokoda.

“When I must be Yoko, the glasses are tinted with another perspective. I see through the lens of a demon, guarded by instinct and ruthlessness. I am less concerned for the personal feelings of others, more focused on ambition, whatever goal is most prevalent. I have to be — this is how Demon World functions, ruled by the iron fist of power.

“And when I am Kurama, as you see me now, I understand both interpretations. I appreciate both perspectives and realize each have their strengths and opportunities. Right now, in Demon World and given the circumstances, Yokoʼs strength may very well be a necessity. Please understand that.”

In other words, when Kurama taps into Yoko Kurama’s strength and shifts into his demon body, he doesn’t magically lose everything that he learned as a human.  Yoko Kurama and Shuichi are the same person, after all.  He doesn’t forget what it means to be compassionate or understanding, but he may choose to disregard that piece of himself.

A really good example of this is in the Kurama vs Gamemaster episode.  Kurama consciously made the choice to manipulate Amanuma, literally causing him to have a breakdown, and thus lose the game.  He was crushed by this decision, riddled with guilt that he killed a child, but he knew he had to do it — otherwise, he and his team would have no chance at defeating Sensui.  

Upon reflection, as confirmed by older Toguro/Gourmet who had stolen the mind-reading ability from Murota, Kurama was upset with himself because Yoko Kurama would not have even contemplated hesitating to kill Amanuma.  He would not have wavered and potentially ruined his team’s only opportunity of escaping the Gamemaster’s territory.  In other words, if it was Yoko Kurama who was in the same position, his demon perspective would have prevailed.  He would not feel guilt or shame in making the decisions necessary to secure victory, not because he is heartless now that he knows what it is to be human, but because the existing goal was far more valuable to achieve than sparing a child’s life.  Yoko Kurama can apply logic in a way that is so cold, so void of emotion that even Kurama may be rendered uncomfortable.

I could talk and write about the Kurama duality forever because Kurama is one of the most beautifully complex characters I’ve ever had the pleasure to come across.  But, alas, I prefer not to bore you, dear readers. I hope you enjoyed this headcanon of my very favorite fictional love of my life, and please feel free to reach out if you have any questions or requests! 

If you would like to reblog or refer to this headcanon in your own fanfiction writing, please feel free.  A reference back to this post would be nice so others may enjoy it. <3

Pictures are obviously shots from the anime. I do not own them.

[rainbowcaleb]

Fic Summary: Caleb was pining for Essek. And it was *terrible*.

-----------------

Welcome to another The Author’s Meta where I offer insight, dumb jokes, and a behind-the-scenes breakdown about the fics I’ve written. Today’s installment focuses on “Second Servings” (linked above), the second in my Shadowgast series.

As always, spoilers ahead! Consider this is like a director’s commentary on a movie; you’re gonna see the movie scenes if you read this :)

- This was actually the first Shadowgast I had a more solid idea of (other than a Particular Scene that is coming up in part 4). I had just marathoned most of campaign 2 and my mind kept circling around that cupcake episode (for obvious reasons, oh my god jester), and the Nein’s brief thought of contacting Essek as a way to get out quickly.

- and then my brain went brrrrr like a little shadowgast motor and “how would Essek respond to a message if him and Caleb had Just Done A Thing Together and then Caleb ran off an adventure again?” (the answer was, of course, with all the graces of a socially uncomfortable nerd)

- as an aside, strong moonshine will help polish metal. but then you have armor that smells like moonshine

{more after the cut}

- possible messages Caleb was rolling around in his head when he couldn’t sleep include things like “what are we now? what do we do next? does this mean things are different? do you want to see me again, kiss me again?” but of course that’s much too honest for where his headspace is right now

- I’d like to think in a future timeline Jester introduces Essek to the wonderful world of sweet breakfast foods and inundates him with a hundred years of donuts, pastries, pancakes, and other things he’s never tried

- for Essek’s possible messages, scroll up and see Caleb’s. M U T U A L   P I N I N G

- matt mercer tell us more about Essek’s tower and his cool ley line research, PLEASE I BEG YOU. Fine, fine, I’ll just have to write it myself later.

- Essek immediately being like “you want cool magic, I got cool magic!! let me share!” is just him being a romantic deep at heart.

- You would be surprised how long I agonized over magical laundry ideas. Like, does Essek have servants? I mean, probably, but I also like the idea of him choosing to be isolated and just neck deep in his own research and magic and being like “oh shit it’s laundry day” or “oh shit I forgot about that cup of tea I made six hours ago.” Just relatable academic things.

- You would NOT be surprised to know how difficult it was for me to hold myself back from “Caleb strips completely down in front of Essek because he isn’t that bothered by nudity, let’s see how Essek reacts” and keeping it mild (for the time being, lol).

- Listen....... gingers look great in deep blue. Essek knows this and definitely (self-indulgently) made sure to lend Caleb a coat that made him look awesome.

- We know what Caleb was doing (copying a spell) so what was Essek doing in the background? He was actually ignoring the vial of dunamis. He knows it’s probably stolen. He knows it’s probably related to the research he is helping the Assembly with. At this moment in time Essek is mentally doing gymnastics to explain how Caleb came across it, and has basically been jotting nonsense into his notebook to pretend to look busy. He basically settles to “the Nein stumble upon weird shit all the time, it must be a complete coincidence” and decides to refocus himself on kissing Caleb instead

- “You seem to haunt my laboratory lately.“ shout-out to the comment for finding my favorite line. Essek has it BAD.

- I have a LOT of thoughts on the fashion of the Bright Queen’s court and how patterns and colors have significance. Think about some of ye olde royal times with coat of arms and the such. Basically my (very long meta) thoughts boil down to the fact that these families can live a very long time, and when one dies they are brought back into that family den when they remember. Having specific patterns and colors associated with each den not only helps the reborn soul find their way back to their family quicker (like if for some reason they ask for directions or help and the helper doesn’t know the name, they could mention the color/pattern and the helper would likely recognize that and point the reborn soul in the right direction.) Also, it helps establish a rather strict hierarchy and social order. People would know what den you are part of immediately by looking at you.

- Another favorite part :  “What do you like, Caleb? Pleasure?” Essek murmured against his neck, pressing gentle kisses between words. Then he scraped his teeth against where he had been kissing, biting lightly. “Pain?” Y’all are NOT READY for when they ~~explore further~~. It should be in my next chapter update for part 4!

- friendly reminder mercer’s drow have FANGS. Just let that thought rumble up in your head. :) :) :)

- I am genuinely extremely sorry for how many times Essek and Caleb get interrupted mid-steamy scene. I promise later chapters will make up for it.

- me thinking about how debauched the boys look after their makeout session

- Essek’s weird reaction and pushing away from Caleb a bit is because his mind has raced back to the new refrain of “I am engaging in activities with a human, with someone from the Empire, with someone who does not know what I am doing right now, does not know what I have done. I am kissing the very man who brought the beacon back to my Queen, the one that I had helped smuggle.” big yikes Essek!

- Essek with the parasol from Jester will continue to be one of my favorite moments of this campaign so far. Thank you fanartists for all your contributions.

Well, this has been a Shadowgast Saturday and I hope you enjoyed this behind the scenes peek!

THE END.

So why am I doing this? (1) I adore behind-the-scenes and meta information from artists and authors. I love finding out why someone wrote a certain scene or chose a certain color. Maybe you’ll like my BTS too!

And (2) I want to learn a healthier way to engage with my own fics. I tend to write my fic, get stuck in a spiral of editing and editing and editing, get frustrated with editing and just post it, then never re-read it. (Yikes @ myself ). So this is a way for me to re-read my own fics and remember all the reasons why I enjoyed writing it in the first place!

[canonicallyobserving911]

WIP Wednesday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

FANON speculation for season 7

Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!” 

Chapter 11 will be posted soon.

I’m excited to finish writing Chapter 11 because at the end of Chapter 10, both Buck and Eddie had therapy assignments to complete but instead of asking each other for help to fill in the gaps of their memories, they asked other people who were there during the shooting and the lightning strike. Eddie asked Captain Mehta but he told him that he should ask Buck for details about the shooting. Buck asked Chimney but he told him that he should talk to Eddie to get details about how he got down from the aerial and to learn what happened after they made it to the hospital.

At 10:56PM, Eddie asked Buck to join him for his session that's scheduled for Friday, September 1st and Buck asked Eddie to join him for his session which he rescheduled for the same day so they wouldn't have to do separate visits. After they ended their phone call, they were both worried they wouldn't be able to go to therapy and explain what happened to the other one without making a love confession👀.

___________

Here's a snippet from Chapter 11 of one of Buck's and Eddie's conversations.

___________

Eddie raises his eyebrows and asks, “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine.”  Buck lies again.

Eddie frustratedly sighs and shakes his head because they’ve been through too much over the last few months and he doesn’t want them to go back to the way things were after they left the cemetery back in May.

“Buck, can we please not do this.”

“Do what?”  He responds without looking at him.

“This!”  Eddie replies while moving his hand back and forth between them.  “Talking at each other again.  I thought we were past this especially after everything that's happened.”

As soon as the words leave his lips, they reverberate in his mind like they’re on repeat because he remembers saying those very words back in June when Buck said maybe they needed a break. But that was before Buck’s breakdown in July, the trial in August and everything else they’ve done together.  After all the therapy sessions and the late-night conversations, he feels like they shouldn’t be going backwards since they've made so much progress.  For weeks, they were moving forward together and they were on the same page but now it’s like they’ve been put into a time machine since Buck’s not looking at him and he can’t figure out why he’s upset.

Buck clears his throat but he still doesn’t look at him.  “I guess some things are too difficult to just suck up and keep moving forward from.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!”

Immediately, a loud clap of thunder sounds followed by a bright bolt of lightning that flashes through the living room window and it lights up the whole room. There's a thunderstorm happening outside but it's no match for the storm that’s currently brewing inside of 4995 S. Bedford St. between them.

“It means… you left Eddie!”

When did Eddie leave Buck?👀

___________

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 -Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 -After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are part of the foundation when a couple builds a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - Will be posted soon.

__________

I’m enjoying writing this fic because it’s giving me the chance to unravel the mess that was the 6x18 ending for Buck, Eddie and Chris.  Also, it’s taking them places the show refuses to go including Buck finally having a mental breakdown and Eddie being there for him the same way he was there for Eddie in season 5.

Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading

Read chapters 1 - 10 are already available on AO3.

No pressure tagging: @spotsandsocks and @shortsighted-owl. (My apologies if you've already posted.)

[strangesoulmates]

Also, is there some story of inspiration behind your specific works? For example, As Certain Dark Things Are to be Loved? You called it comfort food and it definitely is, but what inspired you to start it? Same goes for More Precious than Rubies, Pledged in Blood, Good Intentions, Matelotage, and basically every other story of yours. Their plots are so different, united only by most delicious characterization. Was there smth. big that gave you any of these ideas?

I know I've answered this at least a few times before for some of these fics, but since my tagging is garbage and I can't find any of them, I'd be happy to do it again, especially since it was awhile ago and I know that lots of new people probably don't know.

I guess I'll answer about them in the order I published them to try and make the timeline clearer?

More Precious than Rubies was...God, I don't even know how the hell I had the courage to post it, it was so far out of left field compared to most of what I was reading.  Anyway, I somehow wound up in the depths of Tomarry hell my last year of college right before finals, and since I was supposed to be, you know, writing papers and taking exams and shit, I couldn't actually channel any of that into writing, when my summer research internship started, I lost my fucking mind when it came to writing.  I have two different WiPs from that period that still haven't been published but stand at several thousand words (one is...jesus, nearly 100k and no where close to done).  There was a throwaway line in that fic

“You’re like a dragon,” Harry said with a fond, if exasperated sigh. “Hoarding treasure.”

Tom found himself quite pleased and flattered at the comparison. No one had ever put his need to collect trophies in such terms before. It didn’t hurt that it clearly showed that Harry thought of Tom as dangerous and powerful, for all that it was clear Harry felt himself safe with him.

Staring into emerald eyes, he barred his teeth in a vicious grin.

“A dragon. I quite like that. Yes. I am a dragon, and you, my beloved,” Tom said, wrapping his arms tightly around him and pressing a lingering, covetous kiss to his forehead, “you are my most prized jewel.”

Tom watched Harry’s expression in fascination, watching as surprised pleasure and irritation warred across his face.

And that idea stuck with me and ate my brain until More Precious than Rubies was Born.

Fun fact, Harry is also compaired to a magical creater in the fic languishing on my harddrive:

“He’s like a bloody niffler, sniffing gold out of places no one else would think to look,” Tom ground out, voice reluctantly impressed and immensely frustrated. “I don’t understand how he finds these people, let alone how they end up being so bloody useful.  And yet he does it, time after time.”

The rest under the cut, because theres A LOT

As Certain Dark Things Are to be Loved is actually because of a prompt meme I've never been able to find again that I read when my brain was in just the right place to latch on and have a complete breakdown over (in a fun, creative way).  I forget what the theme of the list was, but the prompt that caught my attention was something along the lines of "Character A and Character B were childhood friends.  Character A kissed B before moving away.  In college, they discover Character B living across the hall."  And then things just spiraled totally out of control.  

It started out as just imagining how I could twist things from Cannon to make them fit and what that would look like. It was also my first time writing a nonomagical AU so it involved a lot of thought.  I had also just graduated college and was at home while all my friends were in grad school (which I talked about here) and I really missed it.  All of that came together to write a whole lot of this very quickly, and I, after some hemming and hawing, decided to post it.  Visits to grad schools I had been admitted to only added fuel to the fire. 

Good intentions came, of all places, out of watching an episode of Lie To Me (a very interesting TV show that I enjoy revisiting from time to time).  In a particular episode, the main character deals with like, a suave, sophisticated character who ran a criminal empire and clearly some kind of sociopath and I was like “TOM!  THAT’S IT!  IT’S MODERN DAY TOM!!!” and then several episodes later (or earlier?) they were trying to get something out of a criminal who was in prison who ALSO reminded me strongly of Tom and I was like “Harry would absolutely be how they got him to talk, by putting him in that room” and  like you know, even little flashes of dialog because apparently James arrested Tom and the little bit of dialog was “He’s not obsessed with the son because he hates the father.  He hates the father because he’s obsessed with the son.” (none of this is in the fic or will be in the fic, but it was a big part of its genesis).

Then I asked myself follow-up questions, like “how does Tom even know Harry?” and the answer I came up with at first was them getting to know each other while Tom was in prison. So I thought, okay, well, pen pals maybe?  As like part of a college class (since I think think that’s the only place that there could be an assignment like that)?  Because at some point around here I fixated on the idea of like, them meeting for person the first time in prison and that being where their relationship really developed (originally this was called Cellmate AU in my docs)

And then I decided for some reason that Harry should be a little kid, just because I kind of loved the idea of the contrast between his childish innocence and Tom’s…Tomness.  And that’s the convoluted story of how Good intentions first came to be.

Pledged in Blood was my attempt at trying to write something small and self contained for a Tomarry Big Bang awhile ago.  The initial idea came out the idea of wanting a grown up criminal mastermind Tom to run into Harry who is a police officer and for that to lead to desperate makeouts because they were very close as kids and Tom thought Harry was dead.  And so then the thought was, "okay, what the hell situation could they have been in where that could have happened?"  Kidnapping was the answer I came up with.

I started out with it as a Muggle AU, but it just didn't feel right. But the idea of Tom and Harry being kidnapped together got stuck in my brain and thus Pledged in Blood was born. The idea that sparked it actually got partially used int the deepest secret nobody knows] because I liked it too much not to scavenge it for something else.

The Heart of a Star and Matelotage are both gifts for @acciotomriddle based on her prompts for some kind of gift exchange. I couldn't finish one in time because it got out of control (surprise surprise) and then THE SAME THING HAPPENED WITH THE OTHER ONE.   But I posted them both because I was attached at that point.

And I'm not going to talk about Janus because telling  you about what inspired it would spoil everything. When it's no longer a spoiler, maybe I'll make a post about it.

[elphaba-fang]

Don't tell them to grow up and out of it

WARNING!!! THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE POKEMON FIC!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!

~*~

Climbing the deadly slopes and jagged cliffs of the mountain. A lone young woman found herself at its peak. Taking a glance at the satchel cinched tightly around her small frame she continued. No cold, no snow. It was clean. Clear. Yet, ancient and powerful. The air was still. More still than Mount Pyre.

Hood pulled tightly, body covered. Holding the satchel tight. Deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Taking the satchel they opened it. A strange, ominous sound came from her flute. Before her, an entity appeared. Strong, mysterious and holy. This godlike beast is beyond anything they could imagine.

“You summoned me, child?” The Pokemon spoke, looking down at the one before it.

“Yes... I've done the research and found that you are the only one who can give me what I seek.”

“You sound as though I'll willingly give you what you want. I am not some toy you can play with. I am Arceus.”

“If someone has saved your world, this taking your job and paying the ultimate price, are you not obligated to return them to their mortal coil?”

“...who are you?”

“My name...” She takes off her hood to reveal herself dramatically to the Pokemon. “Is Lily.”

“And whom do you wish to return to the mortal coil? I shall judge their deeds.”

“Her name is Fang.”

“And what is she to you?”

“She's the person who saved me long before I needed to be saved. I've been pushed around, kidnapped, abused, and almost left for dead. When things would've been easier to leave me behind, not take me to Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova or Kalos... She did anyway. She took me because she cares. Because I would never survive being alone. I've developed on my own. As a human, as a trainer... As a friend.” Lily looks away sadly. Arceus approaches and nudged her softly. “She's saved me so many times, and protected me... Protected us all... She gave herself up so that others didn't have to live in a world without Pokemon. Children keep their parents and wake up as if nothing had gone wrong to begin with.”

“Your words are true. It will take time...”

“I'm not asking for her this second, or today, I'm just asking that I can see her... Apologize for never being strong enough or brave enough to protect her for all those times she's protected me.” Lily starts crying. “I...”

A bright light glows from Arceus and a fragmented, pale figure appears. Ghost like in appearance.

“Hello? Hellooo?” The voice calls from it.

“Fang...?” Lily approaches slowly. Hand outstretched, she touches the wisp.

“Lily?” The voice responds, taking on a more material form. “Lily!”

The girls embrace in tears. Tight hugs and mending hearts.

“What're you doing here? How did you get here?” Fang asks, looking over her friend.

“I came to get you back...” Lily cries harder.

“Oh, Lily, don't cry.” Fang gently tried to wipe the tears away. “Wait... How did you get here? And how did you summon Arceus?”

“I journeyed through Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova and Kalos, finding all of the plates, then went to the Oreburgh Mining Museum. Asked them to let me into their deepest mining shafts because I could locate a valuable item. I got the Azure Flute. It was in the deepest parts of the mines and all of the plates showed me the path.”

“Really...?” Fang looked at her friend. A tear came to her eye. “You’ve grown up. Grown into a young woman of grit and determination. I could never be more proud of you.” “I don’t need your pride in me... I need my friend back. I am willing to face down Arceus if I must. Please, I can’t keep doing this without you. None of us can! Alexis has buried herself in work to the point of a complete breakdown! Xinahs has had to start taking antidepressants! William disappeared into the wilderness! Lucario won’t get off your bed. And N’s locked himself in the castle and won’t come out!” Lily falls to her knees. Tears gushing out as she screams in desperation. “All of your Pokemon are suffering! They’re all anxiety ridden and lonely! They can’t keep going without you! Think of Gardevoir! She’s known nothing but suffering until she was by your side! Now what? You’ve abandoned her! Ampharos was trapped in a ship engine until you LITERALLY kicked down the door! Gyrados was being hunted by team Rocket until you managed to escape a collapsing tunnel! You rescued Persian from a life of crime and helped him redeem any mistakes he made! Your Pokemon need you!”

Seeing the agony in her friend’s eyes and feeling the disruption of the aura, she puts her spirit-like hand to her shoulder. Comforting. Calm. Warm. With a deep breath, a bright light shone from the young woman.

“I’ve grown up constantly needing you to protect me. Rescue me. Keep me from all forms of harm. When anything happened to me, the first person to fight for me was you. The first person to come to my aid. You. Always you. Keeping me safe, keeping me alive. I have grown up, yes. But only because I had you to guide me. My parents gave me Pokemon so I wouldn’t be lonely. They didn’t think I needed people. You proved that wrong. You proved I needed everything. I’ve never been a trainer of great strength. But, you didn’t care. You always let me come along. Even when it’d be easier to leave me behind, you stuck by me. When someone tried to pick on me, you would never let them hurt me. I had to bring you back... or try.”

The ghostlike vision became flesh. The warmth and tears were real. Feeling her against her skin. “There’s nothing more important in this world, than those whom I love. If you’re suffering because I’m gone, then I guess you better bring me back full swing, huh?” Fang’s bright eyes sparkled with tears.

“Fang...” “Lily...” A long embrace. Unwavering and loving. The unbreakable bond. The length of the contact was enough to make Arceus nudge them. “Let’s go home.” Fang smiled, taking her friend’s hand. “... have I really changed?” “Yes. But you’re still the young woman that means the world to me. No matter what. You’ve grown. And there’s nothing wrong with that.” They then proceed down the mountainside, leaving the plates to Arceus as an offering and thank you.

“Lily... I am proud of you.” “Thank you... I just... I couldn’t lose you. You never gave up on me... and... I couldn’t let you go. I was... always a coward, and lonely...”

“You’re not a coward. You’re brave. Cunning. Adventurous. You stood up to Arceus. You were going to take on a God. Just for even the chance of getting closure. You’ve changed. And for the better. Come on, Lily. Let’s go. Together. Wait, how long was I gone?” “Two years, eight months a twelve days.“ “This... is going to be quite a change.“

~*~ Not gonna lie, more than a little bit sad with this one. This contains heavy spoilers. Lily and Fang have been through everything. More than the others. They have a bond that is beyond comprehension. No matter what, the other will always be there. Nothing would prevent them from helping the other. So, Lily takes the reality with a grain of salt. Instead of grieving like the others, she gets to work on finding a way to restore her to life. Hearing the power of Arceus, she deems this the only way. No other creature has the power that Arceus does. And after so long of working hard, she finally got her best friend back. Enjoy.

[normalhollywoodnerd]

There it is guys, I might do a sequel depending on the response it gets. I want to thank you guys for the number of feedback my first fic got, it really means a lot to me. Any way, I’m taking prompts if you want to send me some. Enjoy :)

———————————————————

"OM-Aca-Gee, that’s such a good idea!!!"

"No it’s not. Come on guys, you can’t be serious."

"We certainly should do it, it would be awesome!"

"No guys, we are not getting a puppy."

That’s how Beca was met at the Bella’s house after her shift at the radio station. All the girls were spread around in the living room listening to some show. Suddenly a puppy came up on the TV. The reaction was immediate, oooooh’s and aaaah’s came from every single, even Lilly. That’s when Stacie brought up the idea to get a puppy. After all, they finally had their own house so what was stopping them? Obviously everyone agreed, Emily an Chloe being the most excited, the latter had already opened her laptop to do some research. Emily couldn’t stop herself from giggling as she peaked over Chloe’s shoulder to look at the pictures. Beca took it upon herself to stop the excitement that was starting to fill the room. As she sat down next to Chloe on the couch, she kept defending her point.

" A dog is way too much work and we’re already over our shoulder with school and the Bellas. Beside, I don’t want to clean up dog pee all over the house", she grumbled while pushing Chloe's laptop away.

"But Beca, we would all do our part and I swear you wouldn’t have to worry about cleaning up, right girls? " said Stacie with a proud face. Everyone nodded with too much excitement and with big smiles.

" Yeah short stack, even I would clean the house if it meant I could have a little beast" said Amy

" What about the money, it’s not free and we’re already struggling"

" If we all pitch in, it can work",joyfully said Jessica

"Beca, please..." pleaded Chloe with a pout. The girls all turned to stare at the small brunette with their best puppy eyes. Chloe put a hand on Beca’s thigh, still facing her, as the other continued to give other arguments. They had somehow all got pretty close to her and she started to feel attacked. They all looked like angels with their little pouts. She felt the redhead's hand move up her thigh as she leaned on her, almost on top of her now. Emily started to get tears in her eyes and this was making it very difficult for Beca to keep her point. The hand was now slowly snaking under Beca’s shirt, leaving goosebumps on the skin it traveled. Not making eye contact with any of the girls was now very difficult.

"NO!!!", shouted the brunette quickly getting up. " I’m the captain and I shouldn’t have to explain myself. I said no so it’s no, end of discussion." And with that she was gone. She stumbled a bit in the stairs, being too buried to get to Chloe’s room. It had had been a reflex to her because this was basically her room too now. She hadn’t slept in hers for a couple of months, from the moment they started secretly seeing each other.

"I’ll go check on her”, murmured Chloe a few minutes after Beca’s breakdown which left the girls silent. Emily was the most worried. She was still trying to get accepted by her captain and now she thought that she had been too pushy and officially lost the elder’s trust. The older Bella’s had known Beca longer so they knew that she often got angry, that doesn’t mean that they were used to her big outbursts.

"Be careful, she might bite you", hissed Stacie watching the oldest slowly make her way to the stairs. As she cautiously opened her room’s door, she saw Beca standing in the middle of the room with her back facing the door. She snakes her arms across her waist, making them meet on the younger’s stomach after closing the door. She placed a chaste kiss on Beca’s jawline before resting her chin on her shoulder. All of the brunette’s worries we’re now gone, that’s where she was at her most happy, wrapped in her girlfriend’s embrace. She slowly turned around in her arms and placed a sweet kiss on her lips.

"Shall we go see our buddy?” teasingly said Chloe after breaking the kiss. She slowly made her way to the closet and let out a fluffy baby Golden Retriever. The puppy who had been bought the day before and that still was a secret to the other Bellas was already attached to her moms.

"Hey there girl!”, whispered Beca in her cutest baby voice as she rubbed the puppy’s belly. A dog wasn’t such a bad idea...

[fanfictionconnectionwordpress]

Hello~~♡ Uuh , can you please do rfa+minor trio dealing with overly depressed mc ? *whispers* ///i really love your writings!♡///

***Ah, a rough topic that not all our loves may be able to handle T_T I’d also like to make note that *professional help is really important* even if the MM characters don’t know, that is the case. ~Let’s Connect! FFC***

Characterbreakdown: Good ending canon characters, Secret ending 02 Saeran, V from theoriginal routes with an operation to restore most of his sight, my version ofVanderwood as seen in my VanderwoodBackstory Fanfiction

Jumin:

For the past few weeks, you have felt so down and you spend most of your time in bed

You just kind of wake up to find him sitting on the bed and watching you sleep. Before you have time to really process that or even blush, “MC, you sleep far too often. I’ll be taking you to see a doctor today.”

He’ll make sure you get the best doctor/therapist once your diagnosis comes in, but beyond that, he will have Jaehee do some research on how best to care for a depressed individual and proceed to follow these to the letter

Anything that you have seemed to enjoy before, he will do often and as a daily routine: i.e. reading to you as you fall asleep, having breakfast together, cuddling on the couch

Super snuggly jujubean even takes time off just to be with his woman

-

Seven:

You seem to be shutting down on him, so he does the most logical thing and starts to joke around like a crazy person, catching everyone in a massive prank where they end up locked in his garage while the two of you watch on the cctv like it’s a reality show

Once you’ve broken out of your funk somewhat and are laughing and enjoying yourself, he lets the others out and then his serious side comes into play. “MC…if there’s something wrong or you’re hurting, please tell me, so I can help you through it.”

Anytime you’re down, he works tirelessly to cheer you up and break down your walls, so he can get to through to you

If joking doesn’t help, expect to have him quietly in your presence 24/7, just sticking around to make sure you know someone is there for you, simply playing on a game device or tapping away on his computer as he sits by you

-

Jaehee:

She thinks at first you’re on your period, she often feels down when she is on hers, but you can’t be on your period this often

Jaehee decides the best solution is to ask you to join her for movie night. You refuse, too disinterested to bring yourself to leave your room

Her solution? Bringing you baked goods and lattes and then just sitting there with you until you open up and the two of you can have a little girl talk

This becomes her go to method to make you feel cared for when you’re having a particularly down day

The other employees are thankfully able to cover your workload, so she has time to be there for you when needed

-

Zen:

He doesn’t understand why you’re so mopey and upset on such a constant basis, but he does know you need him around

Zen develops a habit of finding you wherever you’re holed up and wrapping his arms around you, reciting lines from his current pieces just because he knows you like to hear his voice

His life will revolve around you when you aren’t feeling well, this includes missing rehearsals, so eventually he’ll (somewhat reluctantly) get Jumin’s help in finding a good doctor, so that you can start to feel better on a more regular basis

-

Yoosung:

He tries to convince himself that everything is fine when you keep brushing off his date plans

Yoosung starts to come over for ‘In home’ dates, but when he asks what you want to watch or eat, you don’t give very committed answers ‘Whatever you want to watch, I don’t know, I’m not hungry’.

Consider our young man panicked. He reads up on your symptoms, and it becomes clear to him that you are depressed

He’s already lost one important person in his life to mental illness, and he isn’t about to lose you too!

Yoosung will take time off from school just to help you get back on a positive spiral if you’re stuck

He wholly dedicates his life to you and making you feel better with his snuggly and generous little self, because you’re his precious girl and matter most in his life

The others will recommend getting a doctor involved if he’s taking off too much time from school, which he will absolutely refuse at first until he realizes that it only makes it worse for you when he’s giving up his entire life to take care of you

-

V:

He is no stranger to mental illness, and once he realizes what is going on, he heavily encourages you to see a therapist

V will be incredibly wary and careful not to say anything that might support your illness or romanticize it in anyway, thanks to his past mistakes

There is a possibility that he will pull away from you, unable to keep himself from slipping into old habits and trying to ‘Happy the pain away.’

I just in general do not recommend a relationship between V and a mentally ill person thanks to his unconditionally worshiping and romanticizing personality

-

Saeran:

You pushing him away causes him to have a panic attack, which in turn makes him push you away rather violently as he is afraid of abandonment, making you more depressed in a vicious cycle of what is clearly an unhealthy relationship

He would try to cuddle you, you’d end up saying something along the lines of ‘you need to go, I don’t deserve you’ and he would shout at you ‘well if you want me to go so badly, I will’ and go…so…it just seemed to get worse and worse

The two of you, with the help of Saeran’s therapist, decide to get you into therapy as well

It’s a really difficult decision, partially because of how obsessed Saeran was with you in the beginning of your relationship, but you take a break from your relationship until the two of you are more mentally healthy and able to take care of each other rather than triggering each other into negative spirals all the time

In the end, it’s better for the two of you to remain as friends and you each find love elsewhere, though you’ll both be a large part of each other’s lives forever

-

Vanderwood:

When you started not wanting anything really to do with him, he turned inwards. Did you not love him anymore? Wasn’t he enough for you? Were you abandoning him like everyone else in his life?

It suddenly clicks one day for him as he walks in on you mindlessly staring at the fan, watching you for a solid ten minutes before he realizes you aren’t sleeping but are just totally catatonic

He slips into bed with you and just holds you for a while before he starts to cry, apologizing profusely for not noticing sooner, his heart utterly breaking over how much inner pain you must be in

Vanderwood knows what it’s like to be depressed. He’s been there, done that, and thanks to you he was able to break out of his unhealthy coping method, his sex addiction

As a method of making sure you avoid unhealthy coping methods, he gets a therapist/doctor involved and makes sure you’re getting the care you need

When you’re having a particularly hard time, he will sit with you, holding you from behind and humming softly as he rocks back and forth

This man loves you and you are his whole life, if it weren’t for his forethought of getting a doctor involved, he would work himself to death caring for you. Thank goodness for professional help

-

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[alley-cat-sunflower]

Pretending to have been tagged by @yuutolovesturtles​, who left it open-ended, because I just love talking about myself. (Also because I don’t know how to make the font all tiny-like on my own, so I’d like to save this for reference…)

The Last

Drink: Water.

Phone call: My supervisor, nitpicking church bulletin details.

Text message: Received? My mom telling me she was on her way home. Sent? Confirming that I received the message.

Song you listened to: The main battle theme from FFXV: Episode Ignis.

Time you cried: Half of yesterday as well as half the day before.

Have You Ever

Dated someone twice: I don’t really “date” people, but I have had a crush on someone, gotten over it, then decided to give it a try years later anyway.

Kissed someone and regretted it: Not really.

Been cheated on: Not to my knowledge.

Lost someone special: Kinda sorta not really?

Been depressed: Almost all the time. Trying to get better.

Gotten drunk and thrown up: I’ve never been drunk or even tipsy because I don’t like alcohol enough to drink it fast enough to feel anything. Also, being emetophobic, the possibility of throwing up is one of the main reasons I don’t drink.

3 Favorite Colors

Indigo

Scarlet

Cerulean

In The Last Year Have You

Made new friends: Yes, a couple. Started talking to the best lead at the dance hall, and now we’re pretty close. Had a classmate last semester who showed me more about myself and the world around me, but he’s missing in action at the moment. Working on making friends among other classmates this semester, too.

Laughed until you cried: Yes. I think the last time had something to do with my wonderful and ridiculous boyfriend, but I can’t swear to it.

Found someone was talking about you: Yes…? What does this mean?

Met someone who changed you: Absolutely; the aforementioned classmate.

Found out who your friends are: I guess? Expanded my circle a bit.

Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I don’t really use Facebook that often, but considering my boyfriend has one, I’d say so.

How many Facebook friends do you know: Why would I have any FB friends I don’t know?

Do you have any pets: Three cats at my dad’s house.

Do you want to change your name: Not really.

What did you do for your last birthday: Had a minor nervous breakdown, nbd.

What were you doing at midnight last night: Writing things I really, really shouldn’t.

Name something you can’t wait for: Final Fantasy VII Remake!!

When was the last time you saw your mom: Like, a few minutes ago? She just went into the garage to rearrange some stuff.

What are you listening to right now: “Valse di Fantastica” from Final Fantasy XV.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: That’s one of my cousins, so yeah.

Something that is getting on your nerves: Walt Whitman.

Most visited websites: Tumblr, YouTube, various wikis (for research purposes).

Hair color: Brown.

Long or short hair: Long.

Do you have a crush on someone: I’m honestly not sure anymore.

What do you like about yourself: Hard to find anything these days… I guess I like that I’m passionate about things, even if they’re not exactly the ‘right’ things. And I like my writing ability, even if I tend to misuse it.

Blood type: I don’t know, actually.

Nickname: Alley or Alley Cat, in internet circles.

Relationship status: Not sure of the exact parameters as of now, but taken.

Zodiac: Wood Boar with Snake ascendant; double Aquarius with Aries rising.

Pronouns: She/her.

Favorite TV show: I don’t watch a lot of TV… Monty Python’s Flying Circus?

Tattoos: None. Might get the planetary symbol for Uranus someday, though.

Right or left-handed: Right.

Surgery: None to speak of, and I don’t want any either.

Sports: I can’t play any to save my life, but I like watching San Francisco Giants baseball. Except for last year. Last year royally sucked.

Pair of shoes: Like, my favorite? I wear the same damn pair of leather boots every day.

Eating: Just had dinner, courtesy of my mother. Salmon, spinach, and rice with mushrooms.

Drinking: Water. Considering tea, though.

Waiting: For the FFXV Royal Edition content to download so I can face Somnus and learn more Ardyn backstory. I know, I know, I’m trash.

Get married: That’s crossed my mind a lot lately, since I recently wrote a wedding and have a couple more marriage-related fics on the back burner, but… I don’t know. That’s a question for another, less unstable time.

Career: I wanna be an author and/or editor someday. I’d love to be able to make money just writing my stories. The main issue is finding the motivation to write out my original ideas instead of hyperfixating on fandoms…

Which Is Better

Hugs or Kisses: Depends, but I’d say hugs overall since there’s only ever been one person whose kisses I have thoroughly enjoyed.

Lips or Eyes: Eyes, typically.

Shorter or Taller: Not like I have a preference, but a lot of my best friends are tall.

Older or Younger: Doesn’t much matter to me. It seems like most of my inner circle are within a couple years of myself either way.

Nice Arms or Nice Stomach: I don’t pay attention…

Hookup or Relationship: Relationship for sure.

Troublemaker or Hesitant: Bit o’ both. Fuck Mars in Pisces.

Kissed a stranger: Noooooooope.

Drank hard liquor: I don’t like alcohol.

Lost glasses/contact lenses: I can’t fuckin see without ’em, so no.

Turned someone down: Roughly once a year or every couple years, for some reason, but I’ve been fortunate to avoid any… untoward encounters. I don’t go out of the house. I don’t put that much effort into my appearance. I don’t go out of my way to socialize. Where did I go wrong?

Sex on the first date: More like “sex within the first year of dating” amirite? And the answer’s still no. It might’ve edged a bit closer to ‘maybe’ within the first few months of knowing someone else, but idk whether that’s changed or not; haven’t seen him in several weeks.

Broken someone’s heart: I… might have? I don’t think so, though. The people who give me their hearts are pretty resilient. I’m usually able to convince them to give them to me platonically instead, and then we’re all happier.

Had your heart broken: Nope. I have been turned down before, but I’m the only one allowed to break my heart, thank you. It’s easier that way.

Been arrested: God, no. Never even been in legal trouble. *knocks on wood*

Fallen for a friend: Nnnnot really? Normally, they’re fairly new faces. My boyfriend was my friend first, has been for seventeen years, but I didn’t really “fall for” him.

Cried when someone died: Oh yes.

Do You Believe In

Yourself: Now and again.

Miracles: Depends on the definition.

Santa Claus: Not anymore.

Kissing on the first date: I mean, clearly it happens? Just not with me?

Also not tagging anyone, because I am the slayer of tag memes; they always end at my doorstep. But this one was actually really fun, so if you wanna do it, please do and tag me! I’m living proof you can get away with taking someone up on that offer!