#please dont read this if you suffer from anxiety or paranoia or anything else caused by existential nightmares

[girlboss-grimoire]

Why?

TW: Death, Meaning, and Existentialism.

I'm not beating around the bush at all, I love yapping and sometimes what I yap is depressing. Don't give yourself a panic attack if you can't handle existential topics of purpose and meaning. Of me attempting to give An answer to the question "Why?"

Enjoy my ruminations from a chronic overthinker~

The question of “Why?” truly confounds me. A constant everpresent everlingering question that eats away at my very core. From the many delusions I fixate on like the Boltzmann Brain or Simulation Theorem; to the very core reality of it all. That of what we see and do and love and hate. We were thrust into a cruel uncaring world, a world in which we see horrors within and beyond comprehension. Cruelty found in nature as well as the hearts of man. From hunger driving the world, to the new alien sensibilities to the modern mind. Were we ready for such a leap into a technological revolution? Or were we too quick to embrace what we have no idea the implications of. Having been born after the advent of the modern computer, watching the rise and steady decline of the early 2000s internet; I see what human greed has done to something once so beautiful and now so… bleak. How we destroy what we love for the sake of personal gain.

So then, the question loops on itself. “Why?” Why… it’s such an unfair question as we’re but infants in this strange universe. Asking a child to complete a high calculus issue that stumps even the most ardent of mathematicians. It’s a question that intersects so many different branches of academia, wisdom, and belief that I’d wager a concrete answer for every single living being doesn’t exist. To answer that would require one to dig into oneself and their story and figure out the path, the answer that best suits them. Good or bad; evil or saintly, what are we to judge what is best for another person as long as what’s best for them doesn’t directly afflict another with dire circumstances. Why shouldn't we judge what is cleanly unjust however? And even then, with the law of nature, Survival of the Fittest… what’s best for the hungry wolf is existential for the clueless cervid. Are we but slaves to the machinations of our biology, or are we more like we were taught to be?

To ask why, one would need to reflect on what they value in the world. For the rich and greedy, they would likely say that power and money would be what they are purposed with. For those with no power and any semblance of wealth, they would likely aim to build community and bonds that last. Does Why revolve around money? No, I don't believe its as simple as that, there’s more to life than what you own. As for after all is said and done, at the end of an empire, at the end of one’s life, all that remains is what you remember. How you feel. No money will prevent the passing, even in the case of longterm immortality. The universe is a place of chaos upon order upon chaos. All descend into entropy; and all returns to dust eventually. Why then do we keep going despite the end being inevitable and all we yearn is lost? Is this truly all that is, the fragment of awareness for our curious human minds? Or is there a beyond that goes beyond that of what humankind even knows. Something baked into the hard code of the universe.

I am not looking to descend into the nature of reality or the like, not right now anyway. I more yearn for a simpler question. That of why. Why do we exist, what’s the point? Why do we dream if our thoughts mean nothing? Well, again… that’s up to the individual experiencer. To carve a life worth living, to build the foundations of something you can be proud of. To continue the evermarching story of Time and make a note in a long long game of Life. It doesn’t matter if we’re but a speck on a mote of dust in a swirling disk of fire cascading through a dark void settled in the midst of something incomprehensible. We could be but a dream for something bigger and even then that doesn’t diminish our experience. Not while we’re alive. For as long as we experience, for as long as we continue fighting against the forces that drag us into the dirt and make us miserable, we can create, we can love, we can feel. To me, the point of life, the answer to the question Why? Is to live. Live true to oneself, to experience to the best of your ability. To take the hand you were given, be it born of privilege and coddle or in the depths of destitution. Be it at the top of society feeling oneself a god, or sitting forgotten and invisible. The universe is cruel, uncaring, and cold; immutable fact that nothing's fair, nothing's just. It is up to us, as individuals, as a society, to pave a world worth living in. It is us as people to carve our own happiness in this calliope of space and time and experience it to the fullest we can. Much easier said than done I will admit, I won’t lie I’ve entirely lost focus of my own values due to survival at times. But at my core, I know that as long as I try and try and try, as long as I live each and every day with my heart and head strong and curious and true… then I can at the end of my life say with pride that I led a life worth living.