#please dont feel obligated/pressured to help

[nylwnder]

little secret

a/n: hiiiiii bbs, sorry for the long gaps between fic drops for this series, life hates me and sometimes i just dont have the time to write </////3 or the motivation which is worse. waahhhh!!! HOWEVER, i was gifted some free time the past month, and because i love you guys so so much, i birth to you all: my first am34 fic <333333

pairing: auston matthews x fem!reader

warnings: SMUT! sex toys (lush toy), edging, fingering, p in v, unprotected sex, overstimulation, cockwarming, swearing, auston being in loveeeeee, secret relationship, confession of feelings

word count: 3.4k

taglist: @shoot-the-puck , @11livpangburn , @eastoncowan , @boqvistsbabe , @sweetiet , @p1tstop , @occasionallyaurora , @laurenairay , @fallinallincurls , @andrea9 , @dylpickle4791 , @biznastysloneshift12 , @dramatic-queen

series masterpost

the vibrating feeling in between your thighs made you grip the edge of the counter top, almost dropping your drink. a moan escaped your throat as the pressure increased, your legs bucking before you felt yourself coming close to the edge.

“please please oh please” you mumble quietly but then the vibrations disappear all together again. you take a deep breath with a little whine.

you walk back to the couch, setting your small snack on the coffee table. watching as the leafs began to make it back out to the ice for the third period. knowing the teasing would take a break for the rest of the game unless he so happened to have his phone on the bench too.

—

it all started with a birthday present. a more mischievous gift for a relationship that's just freshly bloomed in the last few months. but your relationship is open and free and gratifying like that.

it was a small, curvy, hot pink toy. one that has devilish capabilities with the mere connection to a phone app. auston knew you would love it, and you also knew he would use the toy to its fullest potential—edging and overstimulating your folds as much as he can. and you do in fact love it, so it isn't surprising that you obliged when he handed it to you this afternoon. a mischievous grin on his face.

“need you to put this on for me, baby” he mentions gently, handing you the toy.

you take it in your palm, already imagining the impending feeling between your thighs. “when would you play with me though?” you ask, pondering the thought on how he’d manage in front of the team, nevermind the coaching crew.

he grins again, “i'll find a way. just need you to be a good girl and keep it in until i come home okay?”

you nod, biting your lip.

“i'll be nice, i promise” he mentions with a kiss to your cheek before a kiss to your lips.

—

unless his idea of nice was having you edged every single fucking time his finger began to play with the controls of the toy, then he was in fact nice. you were flustered, frustrated, being edged to reach any sort of release. you squirmed and whined as it tickled the bundle of nerves inside of you again as the team prepared for press. ready to discuss the well earned blowout win against the ducks, and the sixth hattrick of the season for auston.

you couldn’t deny it, auston looked so good out there on the ice—working the puck around bodies like nothing. and it made your heart swell that during the intermissions he couldn’t help but take the time and think of you, play with you, but oh did you want him home. in your arms so he can do you right.

you weren't even sure if you were overstimulated, even though he's been playing with you on-and-off for the past three hours and a half, you just wanted to cum. and oh god please on his cock.

—

auston kept his interview short and sweet, wanting to make it home earlier than usual despite the attention and requests regarding another outstanding performance. he wanted to get home to you.

the boys noticed his eagerness to skim through the usual routine, poking around and asking him if he's got a girl waiting at home. he gave a low smile, not discussing further than that. they didn't know about you yet. nobody knew.

being your boyfriend, he wasn't thrilled about the public eye getting a glimpse of you just yet. sure, he wants to take you out to a fancy dinner, hold your hand while you're walking home from the movies. of course he would want to show you off to the boys just so they can chirp him about how he landed you. but you were too special. too soft, kind and sweet. too perfect, he thought. he didn't want anyone to say otherwise, anyone to try to ruin you. the day will come when they know your name, sure. yet even when the moment arrives, when everyone finally lays eyes on you, he knows he’ll still be a protective force. always. if that means you’re his little secret for now, then so be it.

right now, you were all his. without anyone knowing. his warm soul. his dripping core. the one that he wants… no. he needs. right now. so badly.

—

when he got home his belongings were quickly discarded to the side. auston relishing in the warm and soothing atmosphere you have created out of his apartment, his senses welcomed by the sweet smell of you. the house always felt empty those nights you couldn’t be with him. your presence had brought a light to the home that it never had, that none of the other flings managed to spark.

he noticed your lounge pants laying near the couch in the living room. your slippers discarded on the other side. he moved forward to grab them, but placed it back down when he noticed your shirt near the entrance of the bedroom. a smile grew on his face.

a few steps forward granted him a beautiful view—his favourite view—the sole reason why he rushed through the toronto night traffic.

you sat at the edge of your bed in a satin lingerie slip. your hair was messy in that pretty way that framed your face, the way that made aus bite his lip in admiration. your lips softly pouted a “missed you.”

your legs slowly opened apart, showing your arousal from the night sopping through the fabric of your underwear. auston gave a low groan, and licked his lips.

“need you. so bad.” you whine.

he walks towards you, and you instantly wrap your legs around him to connect your lips. his grip on your hips yanks you higher onto the bed, allotting him space to get on and tower over you. you nip on his lip as you both break for air.

“you were mean” you murmur. he smirked, “i promised you i'd be nice, that's why i'm gonna make her feel so much better” he says, cupping your dripping core.

you whimper, “please”

his fingers hook on your panties, pulling them down and throwing them to the side. he reaches for the tail of the lush toy, making sure to gently pull the rest of it out. you squirmed at the emptiness, aus seeing the way your entrance clenched around nothing.

“you did s’good, baby. taking it like a good girl” he mutters in your ear as his lips attach to your neck. his wet kisses mixed with his nipping move down to your collarbone, then to the tops of your breasts.

he makes sure to keep his work up until he knows purple and red marks will litter your skin in a couple of hours. making it difficult for you to hide them everytime you leave his apartment. god forbid your friends see them. you're not in the mood to be forced to disclose any more details about your boyfriend. you just wanna keep living in this little bubble the two of you have managed to keep.

not yet. just a little longer.

“mmm, you looked so good out there baby” you manage to mutter. trying your best to not get lost in his kisses but sometimes it's just too hard.

you can feel his smile against your skin. “thank you” he says, kissing on top of his mouth’s handiwork before grabbing you by the hips and bringing you to sit down on his lap.

“your sixth hattrick. not everyone can do that” you speak again, smiling, running your fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck.

his smile didn't leave his face, leaning in to kiss you tenderly. “…nevermind the fact that this was your second back-to-back hatty” you say against his lips.

this time he begins to blush, in what you think is quite literally the most beautiful way possible. you can't help but to kiss him again. he looks down while squeezing your hips before looking back up and letting out a light chuckle. “we gonna keep talking about it or are you going to let me celebrate with you? hm?”

it's your turn to flush a bit. embarrassed you may have been discussing something in a situation where you shouldn’t even be talking in the first place. but you couldn't help it, you wanted to give him all the possible affirmations you could.

“m’sorry” you reply, wrapping your arms tighter around his frame, endeavouring in the taste of his mouth once again. you can feel the mint from the gum he was chewing on the drive back home. it relaxes you.

one of his hands stays pressed on your spine, scrunching the material of your night slip between his fingers, while his other hand travels down. his large palm shamelessly grabbing your ass, moulding your flesh to the shape of his fingers. your skin quickly heats up again and your mind swirls over the rhythm of his tongue against yours and the bulge growing beneath you. aus presses you down, hard, against his clothed lap, it feels like he's already fucking you. but it's the illusion of his fingers bluntly sliding between your folds and pressing over your opening, stirring a good moan out of you.

he sticks in a finger and you subconsciously bite down on his lip. he hums before sticking in another and you accidentally do the same thing again. there's a burning feeling between your thighs, perhaps you are overstimulated after all. but that's not stopping you. you still want him to help you to that finish line that he so cruelly didn't let you reach.

he pumps in and out a bit, making sure you’re wet enough. that was surely a fact, with the way your juices covered his fingers so exceedingly. anticipation continued to build inside of auston, causing the bulge between his thighs to strain against his dress pants. hes been thinking about you the whole night, and your pussy even more.

you untug auston’s shirt, allowing you to unbutton his pants. he helps you pull them off of his legs, while you take off his shirt from his sculpted chest. you run your fingers down his torso, following the lines that shape him. his lips connect to your neck, immediately finding your pulse point. you grind down on him and he allows a groan to escape his lips and echo in your ear. you smile.

“can i take this off?” he asks, tugging at your slip.

you nod needily, the cold air hardening your nipples at the exposure. auston can't help but groan again, yanking you up so he can attach his lips to them. you whine sharply, feeling the tip of his cock nudging near your entrance as well.

he releases your one nipple with a “pop”, sinking you down on his length before you can even make out a sound.

“m’fuck” you mumble, your body ablaze.

“god you’re truly the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen” he says. holding your hips back to get a good look at you.

“auston…” you whine at him, blood rushing to your cheeks again in slight shyness. however your walls clench around him.

“let me compliment you.” he laughed, helping your hips sway against his lap. left, right, up and down, it all felt exactly how you wanted. perfect.

your cunt was soaking wet. the sounds the two of you make where your bodies connect is unholy. auston’s fingers have a tight grip on your love handles, trying his best to keep himself together for you. he chose to focus on littering whatever skin he can reach with more marks, making sure you remember you’re his when you wake up tomorrow morning.

with all the emotions and sensations it truly doesn't take you long to feel the addictive feeling deep in your stomach again. eyes fluttering shut, mewls escaping your pink plump lips, boobs swaying gracefully with your movements, it's like a scene out of a dream the way your walls have a snug grip on auston’s cock. shes perfect, he notes to himself.

he holds you close to him, before moving you to lay down on the bed. he pushes his hands under your thighs and lifts your hips. the position slides him even deeper. makes his cock push up into you, into that spongy part inside that forces your eyes to roll back even more. your thighs begin to tremble.

“take me so good baby, s’like you were made for me.”

“i am.” you respond, because he’s made you honest. in the delirium of him, you’re saying what you’ve had buried inside of you for the past months, waiting for moments like this. with the way he makes you feel it's impossible not to think this way. my god, you’re sure you love him.

with your breathing heavy, recovering from your high, auston groans against your lips––pumping himself into you like a man fueled by pure hunger. the warmth of his cum spilling into you makes you all the more lightheaded.

you grip at the nape of auston’s neck, bringing him in for a kiss. both of your lips already hot pink and puffy. but the need to ground each other is so strong.

the euphoric feeling of relief from your earlier pent up frustration begins to make your body soften. your head felt more vulnerable and you couldn't suppress the words any further. “aus..” you say, kissing his lips before looking him in the eyes. he gives out a small hum in acknowledgment.

“i-i love you. i really do.” your hands squeeze the ends of his hair in anticipation of his response.

did you know that a 6’3, beefy, sassy hockey player can feel butterflies? cause auston is pretty sure he just did. a smile crept up from the corners of his mouth and overtook his entire demeanour. you couldn’t help but reciprocate it.

“yeah?” he asks softly.

you nod, auston’s hands moving to drop your legs and grip your sides instead.

“i love you too, baby.” why wouldn't i? you're too good to be true.

a feeling of bliss overtakes your body. pent up emotions finally all out on the table. its been a lovely set of months now and perhaps you both are ready for that next step.

both of his hands interlock with yours, moving your arms up and over your head. the grip is snug and safe. you can picture holding hands in the cold weather, his palm big and warm enough that you don't need mittens like you used to.

his lips meet yours in a slow gentle kiss. your cheeks blush at the thought of kissing auston straight from the locker room, or his lips leaving a peck on your forehead as you two wait for a table at a restaurant.

the little things.

a whimper leaves your lips, an angelic sound, and an unconscious reaction to auston’s kisses. you can feel auston twitch inside you. so in response, you rock your hips upwards.

“there she is,” he smirks down at you, “there’s my fucking dirty girl.” he notes the dreamy glint in your eye, “you want some more, huh?” you bite your lip, nodding. auston pulls out, just for a moment and your pussy aches at the cruel feeling of emptiness.

kneeling in front of you, aus guides you to turn to your side, straddling one of your legs and grabbing the other one to curl around his side. he aligns himself to your entrance and pushes in without hesitation, already missing the warmth of your wet walls. he continues with his sharp thrusts, one of his hands moving to play with your breasts, rolling your nipples in between his fingers. moans fill the space in the room, and slips of his name fill in the gaps.

the stimulation you feel is so fucking good, for lack of better terms. in contrast to his earlier teases, his thrusts don’t seem to stop anytime soon and you couldn't be any more grateful. your cunt clenching around him so tight that auston hisses, groaning deeply. he shakes his head as if he can’t believe it.

“you’re fucking purring angel, like i didn’t just cum on your pretty pussy. what am i gonna do with you, huh?”

his words make you cry, looking up at him with doe eyes, urging him to bring you to that beautiful edge. “fuck dontstop–so close–so close–” you mumble out quickly. searching for his hand laying on top of your breasts, you tangle your fingers around his again, he squeezes them lovingly. your cheeks fill with a blush tint.

“didn’t plan on it, baby.” he says, making his other hand move to your clit, pressing to rub circles around it, then triangles and then squares and then fucking diamonds. god you didn’t know you just wanted him to keep going and drive you through that burning feeling inside of you.

and so he does, eliciting more sounds from your soft lips along with shivers down your body. he whispers to you how beautiful you are in your ear, while he cums in your sweet cunt once again. you’ll never get over that feeling.

auston grabs you close as he flips the two of you, allowing him to lay down on the pillows, your body sprawled on top of him. his cock still snug in you. you softly hum, this position letting both of you settle down from your shared highs. aus feels your smell calm him, the faint scent of your floral shampoo steadying his breathing, his heartbeat relaxed. he has never felt so safe, so comfortable.

he didn’t want you to move, not even dare to leave this warmth the two of you have created. he's used to getting up after a sexual endeavour like such, two people going their separate ways, hell he's even urgently guided girls out the door. but you? never. if he could keep you here, with him–just him–forever, he would.

you felt auston slowly get soft inside you, and you took that as a queue to take a quick trip to the bathroom to clean yourself up. trying to detach yourself from the soft and gentle embrace of your boyfriend was hard, you didn't want to leave him.

“where are you going?” auston asks, grabbing your waist as you sit up from his chest.

“just the bathroom.” you mention, getting further up and feeling him slip out of you. you let out a small instinctive whimper to the loss. you notice the pout in his eyes, “i’ll only be a minute, don't worry.”

auston was hesitant to let go of your hand, missing the soft feeling contrasted to his rough hands, despite the fact they aren't as calloused as they could be. you smiled at his clinginess, it truly was a compliment. you got up and swiftly made your way to the bathroom mats, as the cold floor sent a quiver up your body. after cleaning yourself up you looked at yourself in the mirror while you washed your hands. you could see the love marks appearing around your breasts, not an uncommon place to find them. aus makes sure to leave new ones each time they start fading.

you make your way back to the bed, seeing auston settled in the sheets. he looks at you with genuinity. a twinkle in his eye. love pouring out of his tender gaze. your skin grows hot. you smile and drop your head to his shoulder once you reach him. “you should see the look on your face”

“what?” he asks curiously.

you look up at him, after wrapping your legs around his own. “you look absolutely smitten.”

he smiles. “good.” he exclaims. proud.

you are quick to get soothed back into his pool of warmth, along with his hand running against your back. here and there reaching the top of your bum, before making its way back up.

you think about your shared confession from earlier. the weight of those immense feelings towering over the two of you gone. all the opportunities and possibilities at your fingertips. “so when do you think i’ll get one of those cute playoff jackets the wives and girlfriends get?”

“you want one?” auston asks, you can hear the smile in his words, if you chose to lift your head you would probably see the smirk too.

“yeah,” you reply, playing with the fingers on his other hand. “i want to be at every game.”

“i’ll make sure you’re the first to get yours then.” you now chose to look up at him, your own happiness radiating across your face. “promise?” you ask, lightly giggling.

“promise.”

“good.”

[ enjoyed reading? join my taglist! : click here <3 ]

[shittopi]

[obsessivevoidkitten]

Heyy im really sorry i cant help you with groceries but i just wanted to tell you that you dont have to be sorry for not writing much, its not an obligation even if its really cool! Don’t feel pressured

Please don’t feel as if you dont ,,deserve,, to ask because every person should be able to get their food and other necessities

I know this is probably not helping comming from some random person on tumblr but i hope you make it through those hard times save and sound:)

(sorry for my english and i hope this text isnt like creepy or anything im not the best at these things but i think its important that you know you deserve to be able to live more comfortably!)

You don't need to be sorry! No one could help this time but I still have ramen!

I still don't think I deserve to asl if I don't supply enough writing.

Though I finally got halway through the smut scene that has been giving me so much trouble.

[foervraengd]

Hi! I'm a younger artist thinking about college and my future (a very daunting task) and I can't help but worry that things might not work out for me, career-wise. Do you have any advice or words of wisdom for finding a job or art in general? (please don't feel obligated to answer if you don't want to)

That’s like a really big question. And especially not as easy to answer now with regards to the rise of ai art. But i think like, a general advice i would give is to learn more than one craft; having knowledge in working with different tools is always a plus. Try out 3D modeling or 2D rigging and learn the fundamentals of animation - dont pressure yourself into it, try stuff out more as a fun hobby side project. You dont need to be a master at everything, but having some backup knowledge will make it easier for other ppl to work with you if you end up in game dev or some other creative field that relies on teamwork.

I started working in game dev when i was 30 and struggled to find a job before that, so if anything i guess you gotta be stubborn af.

Oh also dont fill your portfolio with artworks you dont wanna do because there will always be a client pointing at your least fav piece and go “i want smth like this one :3”

[angelbaby-fics]

Hiii hun

I just want to ask when u are opening ur request bc u said that u would open them in janurary or februrary

Please dont feel stressed by me now, take ur time <3

i still dont know 💔

i’m gonna use this to write out my thoughts real quickly just to help me think it all out but dont worry i’m not stressed or upset by this message 💕

its just really tricky for me because like i wanna write everything!! and not just because i love my followers and i want to make you guys happy & engage with everyone all the time but also because they’re really great requests!! and i feel so honored to be trusted to bring them to life!!

but then i get so strict with myself, i want to do them all in order so its fair for everybody who requested them, and i dont want to take on new requests until i finish the ones i already have, but then i just end up digging myself into a hole where writing has now become an obligation with a deadline & it just absolutely drains all of the motivation out of me when i approach it that way 😭

i always feel so nervous when i open requests again because on top of feeling guilty for everything that i never got around to writing, i also know that i probably wont be able to fulfill all of the new requests either, and in my brain it gets twisted all around & instead of feeling grateful for all the people who appreciate my work & have ideas for more, my brain just focuses on the future theoretical disappointed people who’s requests i’ll inevitably end up not fulfilling instead of focussing on all the stuff i HAVE been able to and WILL be able to write

and its crazy too because i request from other authors all the time (usually on anon hehe!) and sometimes my requests get written & other times they don’t & i’ve never EVER been upset or frustrated or impatient for it!! and even if others do get upset with me, i have to know that its just not my responsibility to keep everyone on tumblr happy 😅 and if anyone is mean to me, i’ll sic bucky on them 🦾😤

sometimes i forget that this is my PASSION & i start to let it stress me out even worse than my day job which is just silly 😅 i’m a freelance gig-based employee and a full-time disabled adult!! i need to remember that writing requests are not final exams that my life depends on getting a perfect score on 😌💕

idk… all this to say i guess i’ll probably open requests again soon 😅 with this new warning i guess you can call it that not everything can & will be written & thats ok! also never say never! i still go through my old requests from years ago & work on bits of them so you never know!!

i honestly think without putting pressure on myself, it’ll come easier to me, like the way i used to approach fic writing when i had less than 100 followers and i was writing 2 fics per day sometimes (side note there are nearly TWO THOUSAND of you guys now?? oh my gosh???)

ok sorry this is super long!!!! i love y’all & everything is okay 😁💕

[yourfaveanon]

LOL AKAKAKKA ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! MANUEL NEUER HOLDS POWER LIKE NO OTHER IN THAT WHOLE COUNTRY (I'm obviously not the same anon) I believe he has some extraordinary kind of power in privilege behind him and his sexuality is not my business and it doesn't look like he can please either me or women in bed so ahem. But come on that privilege reflects through everything he does. Like Bayern gave away Nübel on loan, to keep Neuer happy. Bayern didn't sign a good goalkeeper, to keep Neuer happy. Bayern had to calm down when Neuer spit out shit after Bayern fires Tapalovic for being PARTIAL. All to keep Neuer happy. I feel like we do all just to not upset our previous little man. Sarcasm, obviously. One thing that makes me sympathize with him is the way he has to tolerate homophobic slurs in almost every international game. I hate his guts. Anyone who works/worked at Bayern would know why. Remember, when Gómez went through injury, Bayern sold him without second thought and had him on the bench season after season. When Neuer intentionally skiis down the slope during mid-season, Bayern coddles him. No player, I repeat, no player from the DFB/Bayern team ever had so much privilege as Manuel Neuer, and neither will anyone ever. This man very easily forgets why he got to this position that he is at, now. That's because Enke couldn't take it anymore. The defence rests, your honor.

I LOVE when people act like these athletes r just lil babies and when I say love I mean HAVE A STROKE

literally the bar is SO LOW. he waved at a baby?? he posted on social media?? he asked for donations for a cause??? OMG SO SACRIFICE BIG BRAVE

these little princelings who have spent their entire lives thinking about themselves like WOW they r pure ANGLE okay then

it is LESS THAN THE BARE MINIMUM they get SO MUCH at the expense of society and yet somehow omg?? they're not obligated to do a thing??? they can be a piece of shit if they want to??? that's their god given right??

I guess it's also people's god given right to have absolutely no standards or expectations

these r the same people who are like the government doesn't own u anything! politicians don't have to be good people! LIKE OKAY YEAH AND THEY DONT' HAVE TO BE ELECTED EITHER MY GAWD

anyway where was I going oh yeah neuer has been a princeling his entire life he literally has every single aspect of his life taken care of he has unlimited resources and has never had to worry about anything. I truly cannot even. it's the same song and dance every single time. some guy who's got more money than he can spend in 15 lifetimes due to a completely arbitrary societal value that helps absolutely zero people and he donates .01 dollars and is an angle okay

my blood pressure

ANYWAY IT'S SO FUNNY WHEN THEY WEAR THOSE STUPID RAINBOW THIGNS BECAUSE I ABSOLUTELY KNOW IN MY SOUL THAT THEY R STILL THROWING SLURS AT EACH OTHER AND THEIR FATHERS AND UNCLES

[sejmisland]

here are some rules before you request anything. 

i will NOT write: 

incest, pedophilia, SH, non-con, dub-con, scat, trans (this is because i am not trans nor too educated about it and i feel like this would do a disservice to that community. my mutuals and many others can write it better than i can!) abo, eating disorders, extreme abuse, ocs (i occasionally write my own)

what i will write: 

nsfw and sfw (even though i mostly do sfw, no minors allowed at ALL), ships (this will be rare but if i am comfortable with it and its not problematic), x readers (i am quite new to this so bear with me), some tw topics but nothing too extreme, my ocs (simply my own if you are invested in them)

please remember i can reject any request you send me, but i’m pretty lenient.  since i’m a college student i could be sparse. i will do my best to be consistent but i write whenever i feel like it and have the time so please dont rush me or be a dick about it. 

angsty requests will take longer because it severely affects my mood and i take breaks in between writing. so, please be patient with requests! it will be done eventually. 

feedback, reblogs, likes, etc are very appreciated!!

commission rules/notes

these will be done via tips. basically selecting the amount and using the message to detail what you would like.

be as specific as you want! it’ll help me get an idea of what you’d like :)

please be patient! i’m quite busy with college and theatre. i will try and get it to you asap.  

i typically take only a few weeks to write these, depending on my schedule and what you request.. the longest wait would be about a month. this is because i want to make sure your commission is in the best quality that it can be! 

angst and nsfw will take me a bit longer to write because sometimes it takes a toll on my health and im mostly a sfw blog.

if you do not want your commission on my page, message me here or my discord (racetrackings).and we’ll figure out a way to get it to you. otherwise they will be marked under commissions tag (if you want to be tagged, send me your @).

i am serious about quality. if you are not happy with your commission or wanted something different, message me and i will gladly rewrite it for no charge.

do not feel pressured or obligated to commission me! this is only if you want to support my work or support me in general. it is always appreciated..

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characters / fandoms i write for

[silentmassacres]

sun, nov 10

fighting off a panic attack

thinking about having sex and feeling such deep shame over the fact that i not only displayed my own pleasure (which was focused on myself) but got caught up in it instead of paying attention to how she feels. maybe it's guilt over her own feelings maybe it's trauma. it's partially embarrassing to think about. partially dysphoric too. i was fine with it then but jesus christ thinking about myself in that moment.

the way i picture myself in that position just feels incredibly reminiscent of. femininity. my brain associates it with porn which is insanely fucking gendered but duh its sex and even beyond that i just can't shake the feeling

maybe it affirms my own masculinity to feel as though im giving something. i know there's something deep rooted in me that makes it feel like i Have to but i swear to god i swear on my life it's no obligation. not a torturous one. not in the trauma way.

i want to be helpful and i genuinely do derive pleasure from that.

i think i may have set the standard for myself and i really only have myself to blame and ive done this more than enough so really what does it matter but please god. if i must feel anything, can i be shielded from shame and guilt for once. for once.

i don't dislike what i do and i enjoy it quite a lot. im not coerced or pressured and i do it purely because i want to.

and i can't quite tell if ive simply set the standard for myself to do it and that's why im uncomfortable with centering myself. id say maybe i don't feel it's deserved but then we're getting back to trauma and that implies an issue with my behavior. i don't want my behaviors to change. i want to be useful and i enjoy what i do.

maybe i could change my mindset but its so deeply embedded and its not me alone as a part and i know that much. i dont actively feel that way. i dont feel like i need to center others because im wrong if i dont, i just feel uncomfortable centering myself sometimes

—

i like my body a lot of times but right now the entire concept of having a body is making me so uncomfortable. i can't imagine a self in which im not uncomfortable and im trying not to get too upset but im genuinely exhausted and i still haven't moved and i said i was going downstairs but i haven't moved.

i feel like im getting frantic and that only scares me more. my chest tightens and my eyes water just a little and i don't want to do that.

—

i doubt ill remember this in the morning

[lzrdprsn]

I teach 9th grade English at a public high school in a state that's near bottom in America as far as education (and most everything else) goes. That means I don't really get provided any supplies, a lot of families can't really afford any supplies, and my kids are still young enough that they lose a pencil a day, if not more.

Soooo, if you're feeling particularly philanthropic or looking for good karma or you really really like my shitposting or whatever and want to buy my freshmen some pencils or maybe a highlighter, I have an amazon wishlist.

[ersatz-anomaly]

“I should kill you”

“I don’t trust you anymore”

“I don’t love you anymore”

“You were using me for my body!”

[kalims]

‎˃ ᵕ ˂ . . "i know this sounds weird but can you pretend to be my boyfriend?"

today's promise.

parts. one, two, three.

characters. kalim, vil

cw. persistent pursuers, press being invasive, fluff, slight angst. possible spoilers for book 4, 5.

includes. fem!reader

wc. 5.9k words, 31.9k characters. not proofread.

note. after ten years.. I've decided to just make 3 parts just cause... I'm very sorry, vil's part at the end was kind of rushed 💀

kalim al asim

when you're being threatened to prove yourself by a suitor who can't take no for an answer.

being a girl had its perks and certainly it's cons. nearly every professor had a soft spot for you, you don't mean to take advantage of it but there isn't really anything you could do (even if you wanted to) 

from what you've heard. trein has two young daughters that he adores. as outstanding as it was to hear that his stoic look could ever break in the face of someone at all. he at first, was the same to you as others. he didn't treat you any better, or any worse.

but when he started to get used to your constant presence you supposed he grew to appreciate it. he let you walk away a few minutes late to class while your freinds, ace and deuce groan. mainly ace but still! when they were a minute late,, marks were immediately deduced from their paper and you can only watch deuce crumple in grief.

as for the cons.. well..

"please!"

a boy kneels in front of you, clutching a bouquet of flowers. which he then proceeds to shove in your face in a way you didn't quite appreciate. he stares at you with hopeful eyes.

you gulp. knowing that everyone is staring. why did he have to do this right in the middle of the cafeteria? "..." you fidget nervously, looking around, picking at your nails, fix your clothes, grit your teeth, all didn't help to cease the feeling of dread.

each passing second felt like the room was getting hotter and hotter each second, but at the same time it felt so cold. you can feel the beads of swear forming on your temple, on your back, your palms, everywhere.

you've already somehow lost your voice since you can feel the crushing pressure in your throat as well as the intense beating of your heart that merely clouds your rational judgment more.

you don't wanna go with this boy. you don't know him at all.

this was the plan all along wasn't it? to keep you in a room of people where he knows you'd feel obligated to say 'yes' out of good will.

what an A grade asshole. "..."

"sorry I can't accept your confession. i have a lover..." 

then you bow. why would you need to say sorry for it? it was an excuse but not that they know. you could already hear the whispers circulating behind you. snickering, some had enough empathy to murmur words of sympathy. 

the previous,, seemingly kind and innocent look in his eyes vanished, replaced with a rageful and a look that you can only see as determination. his eyes are darkened, contrast to his old bright ones. as if there's some kind of rabid monster that replaced the thought behind his eyes.

oh. why did you forget nearly all NRC students have some kind of hidden, dark side?

"you...do?" you nod and you can practically hear his thought.

"prove it."

you bite back the urge to quip back 'I have nothing to prove to you, you little shit. can't you just respect my decision and move on?!' you close your eyes and grit your teeth, if you did that you'd get hated on for sure. that's how hard it is to live on a campus filled with men.

when you left the cafeteria—barely slipping your bag over your shoulder, and nearly dropping it from much haste your actions seemed to have. you left that place with your items in one piece, and your mind in absolute disarray.

you dont have a lover! you never had one, nor did you plan to get one! the plan was to just wait for crowley to get you home meanwhile you do your part as a student, and as one of his little workers since he did provide for ou.

so as you speed walk through the hallway, albeit fast enough to turn some heads. you're too caught up in your inner turmoil to notice kalim whose practically skipping in his steps accompanied by his usual happy grin on his face. he obviously had a better day than you, but then again. since when did kalim get a horrible day?

he practically chases the bad things away with his sunshine.

you wish you had his kind of mindset.

kalim, who brightens up at the sight of the prefect— totally oblivious to your mood doesn't think of getting out of the way when you're clearly in the way of colliding into him.

and you do! due to the extra haste you both tumble to the ground. your bag barely hanging by a threat on your shoulder. thankfully none of you were crushed by the other, you're sitting on the floor completely done done life while he's just laying there.

"oops! sorry.. I didn't see you." kalim scratches his head with a laugh as you stare at him deeply. he blinks and looks behind him. "what?"

oh my goodness.. you take back your previous statement about every student having a dark side, for now you'll bet just about everything you have on kalim.

"kalim!"

"prefect!"

you grab his shoulders and shake it, maybe too relieved to remember that you're still on the ground. "can you help me?!"

his answer was expectedly and a enthusiastic "yes!" he didn't even hesitate.

so you end up dragging him to a more secluded place. you'd bring him to your dorm but it's way too far so you just settle somewhere behind the school. sending jamil a quick text about kalim's whereabouts and your intentions lest he gets stressedworried about it.

one thing you learned was that he was a complete natural at it. you can't tell if he forgot about his pledge because he never mentioned it the day after and starts treating you as if you were really his lover. it's... surprisingly adorable. it's nice to be so happily greeted by someone first thing in the morning.

you don't question how many miles he tread to get from scarabia to the the mirror chamber, and finally to ramshackle on foot.

you've already given your consent if he wants to tell jamil. after all you wouldn't wanna stress the male out more for hiding things so.

jamil knows, that's all I'll say. though he really just wants to straight up tell the two of you that it's painfully obvious. especially kalim..

the first week mostly consists of you casually blending into kalim's life as if you both weren't just fellow students who knew each other better than strangers. since the whole world was basically served to him on a silver platter he didn't see much of an issue when he gifted you boxes of gold, and jewelry. 

kalim is too... dense for his own good but in a way its quite adorable. even if it's just temporary for a boy whose called an airhead, he seems awfully good at making you feel like you're actually his s/o. it's kind of obvious when he perks up so brightly when you enter a room and basically bounces to you.

jamil doesn't fully trust you yet. he probably tolerates your presence enough to trust you to an extent of letting kalim stay with you, alone. 

if you mention you like an animal, bonus points if it's exotic. like a snake of parrot you'd be gifted one of the most expensive one! it'd be fed for and all you gotta do is own it. you had to reject because last time you accepted a gift he kept sending more and more until you had no more space for his gifts in a spare room.

sure it'd be nice for rooms filled with treasure but you don't want to use him. he's a pure kinda guy. grim doesn't seem to have any problem as he sometimes constantly sneaks in to steal a few coins, and you had to literally ask someone (either another dorm head like malleus) to enchant the door with a spell-lock of sorts so the feline couldn't go in.

you'd ask why you're doing so much for gifts for you but you plan to just give it all back to him after it's all over. of course you obliged to some of his gifts, marveling at the shine but you can only accept so much without being ridden with guilt. 

you'd stay over scarabia plenty of times. this time though, not as prisoners but rather as some kind of special guests. your presence made feasts and parties more often, and jamil now thinks you're the second bane of his existence. side eyes kalim.

crowley somehow found out and apparently staying in other's dorms so often not as an official resident was gonna paint the college in a light where it's like the assignment of the dark mirror wasn't important so he just.. forbid it I guess? you're still able to come over but not as often. jamil seems relieved and kalim is bummed. :(

knowing him he'd unintentionally bribe crowley like. "oh.. please let them stay!! I have a few bars of gold..." 

crowley: 😶🤩😇😇 "of course!! for I, am gracious."

despite being literally bribed crowley does still tell you to keep it down on the low. you never know what kind of student secretly wished for his downfall, you'd tell him it's futile but he actually does kind of have a point. fearing that a student might actually leak it might be nerve wracking to him.

second week blurs in comparison compared to the first one. maybe it's cause you're already used to the presence of kalim. heck.. you even found out some things about him that you didn't at first. as weird as it sounds, kalim comes in a package deal with jamil (much to his dismay) so you're bound to get closer to him as well.

using you -> tolerating you -> finding you decent company. that's jamil's relationship progress with you, atleast he trusts you a little more than he used to! maybe he only started begrudgingly warming up when you started helping him around the dorm. it's nice having an extra set of hands you know but you shouldn't get too kind cause he's gonna end up taking advantage of that so unless you don't want to get more worked to death initiate the help when it looks like he really needs it.

from kalim's influence scarabia students grew used to the luxurious treatment and unfortunately, jamil was left with the short end of stick so they didn't volunteer with help much. only obliging when he asks cause they can't really refuse him when he's the vice-dorm leaders and the one basically feeding them the food whenever it's weekends.

kalim starts seeking you out the first thing he comes out of a class and usually forgets about any other thing. which i mean: homework and school related stuff since he's too excited to remember. you and jamil have to constantly remind him unless he's gonna get expelled with blank tests.

^ this can be used as an advantage to draw kalim with study sessions which usually end up with him trying to focus for your sake. he agrees everytime of course! who wouldn't when you've offered to kindly… though you wish he'd actually focus on the formula's instead of wondering if he should fund a janitor to clean the library since it looks pretty dirty..

anyway the scarabia residents just get used to your presence and see you as a second kind of role model. they're nice in comparison to the rude students with too big egos. you're sure the residents have a secret villainous side since basically everyone you knew had but who knows?

you end up having to take care of kalim as well. which made the whole relationship look very... real? it's wholesome seeing you two stick to each other like glue and a total suprise considering half the school weren't present when you got to know kalim during the whole break. 

so to them it seems like the most random relationship that surprisingly made sense?

the dude is still suspicious but the very convincing act you two put up eventually made them back off in shame since now they just look like a fool for asking you to prove it just cause they couldn't take no for an answer. deserved!

with little dignity left they reluctantly sent you a half hearted apology through text, somehow turning into subtly gaslighting you to feel pity for them but eh... you already blocked the number the moment you saw something about feeling bad for him. you aren't obligated in any means to anyway.

now realizing that the problem has been dealt with (of course screenshotting the person's message which included basically confessing to trying to push you into a corner and sending it to crowley, in case they didn't) you can't help but feel a little upset.

you'll miss the realistic love that kalim gives you, even if his kisses were a little too quick, sometimes sloppy and full of energy. or his hugs were way too tight, or the priceless gifts he gives you innocently instead of ones that worth more than your soul.

so you send him a long sentence full of your thanks. it's the least you can do when he clearly poured his kindness into a cup and let you indulge in it whenever you like.

the message is read, in less than ten seconds.

you silently watch a message pop up. it's a confused sticker paired with a 'huh?' hmm.. it's quite disheartening but you really didn't know how to respond but with a simple laughing emoji.

the silence comforts you for a few minutes, you'd guess it's been about more than 5 with you casually melting into the songs the night sings. it helps ease your turmoil the least. well.. who were you to feel upset anyways?

it's eerily comforting in a way.

until there's someone frantically banging on your door. "prefect! prEeefect!!" it's kalim's voice? you rush downstairs in a flight of confusion and open the door warily, coming face to face with the boy himself–

–in tears. what the? you blink in confusion once again when he starts bawling and if you looked closely you can see the small figure of a jamil speeding towards the dorm. you see a carpet on your porch and assume kalim used it to go here.

"ah.. what's wrong?"

he leaps at you–"wahh! I can't believe this! let's be together forever!" "WHAT?"— and you both tumble to the ground.

again.

wow this feels like deja vu.

vil schoenheit

when the media thinks you're in cahoots with someone so you need to prove them otherwise.

as the first female student of nrc it's only normal you'd gather a number of attention. it all started out relatively normal, boys being boys and acting like shy school girls. some though, weren't as respectful as the last.

crowley never really did much for you. but he did give you a place to temporarily stay, the basic needs, that as well as free education. in turn just for a few services to him, errands to be specific.

your existence is an oddity in itself.

so you weren't all that suprised when there's headlines about the sudden acceptance of nrc for a girl. crowley's reason was admittedly bland. "I'm sure it was fate, though we welcome this historic moment with open arms." definitely suspicious enough to raise doubts. 

there's already theories as to why. frankly, it's quite terrifying because there is now a crowd of reporters swarming the campus perimeters. none really made it past but when you no longer can explore outside of this strange, new world.

not that you could anyways but it's scarier when there's another one of those national events where it's held on campus like VDC, or the soccer but with magic.

somehow they found your social media of which you're starting to regret signing for an account in the first place. there's a flood of followers and a swarm of comments in your magicam like "can we meet up? I can pay you." or "did you see the newspaper?" you eventually had to private it because some of the questions were.. questionable.

unfortunately the media seems intent on proving that you're apparently 'dating' the neige leblanche! after like, one photo with him?! it wasn't your fault that neige just decided to post a cute selfie with you during VDC..

you sigh. I knew it was a bad idea to listen to cater...

"you. potato." 

"hm?" 

you look up and vil himself is standing over your seated frame with a look of elegant calm over his face. as usual, but there's a scorning irritation clear beneath his shadowed eye. "oh vil. what brings you here?"

you pretend not to see the glint in his eyes

if you were asked what kind of relationship you had with the superstar you'd just answer "acquaintances." it's honestly just the truth. you're just a person who happens to know a little more about vil than an average fan.

no. not the kind of how many shows he was on, or the interests he displayed publicly but rather his past. it wasn't your place to tell anways.

"do you like neige?"

you sputter and stare at him with a flabbergasted face. "what? no?" what made him think that? neige is cute for sure, but you don't even know him well and if you really did have feelings it was probably just adoration.

he smirks. "and you don't like the way the media thinks so?"

you cross your arms. "well.. yeah, they're annoying."

"heh.. then, I'll lend you a hand."

oh I'm gonna regret this.

in all fairness vil didn't really come to you because he wanted to help you. your situation overall didn't have any connections to beauty nor him overall and vil himself confessed to you the very next words. 

"if you were to be seen dating someone I'd rather it be me than… neige.." from the way he so scornfully says his name you'd figured that vil wasn't entirely over staying freindly with neige. not that the innocent boy knows atleast.

if it were someone else and not you— someone who helped him solve his… overblot problem you're sure he wouldn't have even batted an eye.

and from the way he said it.. it's obvious his whole reasoning was to just spite neige, he wants to win in a way that makes sure he comes out as the top. similar to the legendary evil queen. to put it simply, his will spares no efforts to ensure his win. be it big or small, that's just how vil is naturally. 

so basically you're just some kind of accessory he plans on using and its making it seem like you're just clout. honestly? it kinda pisses you off. but then again you can't do a thing since you also want the media off your shoulders and one wrong move can cause vil to just drop you as a whole. and you honestly can't think of anyone else that the media will listen to. you don't know anyone who would be on the same level as neige.

asking neige to confront the rumors would do, he would definitely do it for your sake but not all the media would really believe it. and if you're seen to be together with vil it'll be more likely to be seen as the truth. since you both go to NRC, the press won't have any idea on what's going on inside. so they can't say it's fake since they don't know.

the plan was to convince the media you both were dating for a few months now, let it settle after a week or more. and then break it off a few weeks later once they've left you alone. both parties benefit from it.

the media will eventually leave you alone in favor of getting more info from vil himself. the man is already used to the intrusive press so he won't have any problems. vil won't be bothered by neige dating someone like you, see? win win.

again. vil spares no effort and to increase the realism of the 'act' he'd decided to just bring you out to dinner, in a place where he knows the reporters would be lurking around like slimy little bugs. the paparazzi was intrusive, an absolute nightmare and blind to boundaries.

the whole dinner plan was basically something that will benefit him in two ways. you can both actually spend time getting to know each other on a more personal level, a tip vil knows that is helpful in acting AND the paparazzi seeing you will set the whole plan into motion.

and they did. 

let me tell you. it was an absolute nightmare! is this what celebrities deal with when they go out? you could only stare horrified at the various flashes from the windows, the loud chatter and screaming. some had the audacity to attempt to buy their way in to get closer but unfortunately for them vil already had booked the whole place. and the staff knows that if they even dared to accept someone's money..

they are going to be destroyed. LOL

"keep your eyes on me, ignore them." vil eventually said, proceeding to give you tips on how the crowd shouldn't bother you much. as well as some about himself. it seems like he's relaying his experience with you. you tore your eyes away from the window and just did as he told. he seems relaxed, unbothered even but it seems like he really does know the feeling.

eventually you both had to leave. most would think he'd just casually walk out the door. I promise you. vil would absolutely would, he thrives and glows in the spotlight after all. but since he's with you, he'd have to prioritize your feelings first. wouldn't want you to see him in a bad light, right?

it ended better than you expected. and vil certainly was better than you expected. full of wit, pride and beauty. he was still a gentleman but rather than himself he just sends out rook to escort you home to ensure nothing of harm happens to you.

his excuse was "I have work to do." and you were left with rook who seems just about ready to burst into glitter and sparkles. he talked your ear off until you reached ramshackle, asking a load of questions asking about how the 'date' went.

the first week goes alright. it's mainly full of getting to know each other.

vil was a lot nicer than you'd initially thought. a little sass from then and there but he wouldn't be vil if it weren't for it. he certainly makes sure your feelings are accounted and tries to look from your perspective. it's almost like he's the literal prince but don't let that distract you.

school of villians hun.

anyways! all of the things above is quite literally the first week. so we will move on to the second one.

the second one was just advancing on a more intimate degree. vil is already used to physical affection, atleast the 'fake' ones in movies. how is this one any different? but you probably aren't so it's just vil drawing you out of your boundaries and analyzing which you're comfortable enough to settle with.

but when you're outside together his eyes alone are enough to describe the love swimming in it. if only you didn't know that it was just an act, something he practiced many times while filming you'd have mistaken it as something real. he sure do knows how to make it real.. scary..

of course. if the school didn't believe both of you then who would? probably a few but still. it was one of the first steps into making it believable and making sure it's more realistic is the better.

you swore you can see epel's soft, lovely, quiet persona completely break when you spot the most scandalized look in his face when vil dropped you off your class (pretend epel's there LOL), departing with a close hug and a fleeting look.

if vil had seen him you're sure epel would've never gotten the end of it. the boy himself quite literally hurls out of his seat and starts dragging you next to him with the shock still apparent on his face. for some reason his hair is now messy and all over his face from the speed he took off.

"what did—WHAT?" epel whispered aggressively, his words were more of a jumble rather than an actual, whole. sentence. his country accent he hid starts slipping on his voice and you had to stop him before rook could find out. one thing you knew was that to expect rook being in there… somewhere…

yeah he's still upset about you 'dating' vil. I'd say he took on a grudge for a few days before slowly resuming on hanging out with you and your other first year freinds he knows of. with epel practically blubbering angry things about it students eventually caught word of it. 

and the word spread so fast that there's already spams in your social media accounts that somehow got leaked and you had to turn on do not disturb after pushing through the violent lag the notifications inflicted on your device.

now you can't even post a single meal without expecting some die hard fans and the media critiquing you for eating such a horrid and unhealthy meal. of course there were some kind ones that started fighting the other people and defending you with their lives.

there's a full on war about your diet….

thanks to them and their stupidness, now you're assigned a personal diet which you practically would want to start crying from because no sweets for a month? HORRID, is this what epel does everyday? you've gained a new level of respect for the boy.

god forbid it if vil sees you shoving a bar of chocolate inside your shirt and cringing when you can feel the packet crinkle and crunch. somehow the noises feel a thousand times louder.

it was only due time when vil caught you red handed in a closet he'd heard suspicious noises from, and that's where he caught you practically hugging the wall in an attempt to stay quiet.

"and what's that in your mouth?" he crosses his arms, deadpanning and glancing at the crumpled plastic in your hand. you look away for a second, and try to slowly chew on the sweet as if he can't see it. "...paper?"

he's gonna curse me like he did that one time. you think.

his face changes and vil shakes his head. "open wide."

you spend more time together. with vil keeping a close eye on your secret hiding place that you're most definitely eating a piece of candy thinking it won't affect your body much. 

as time goes he just starts to get a little softer, letting you get a few more cheat days but still strict enough to make top models get shivers. his calls to the dorm are no longer business like.

—and by business I mean giving you basic etiquette lessons on how to deal with the press efficiently and professionally. you question it since you won't stay in the spotlight for much anyways but he seems awfully intent on keeping up with it.

it's more of like insisting that he touch up your make up, if you didn't already have one already then he'd just bury your face in a concerning amount of cosmetics. straying a little too close for your opinion to take a closer look.

he's practically an inch away from your face now. you just sit there awkwardly wondering if it was normal.

for some reason vil keeps insisting to take up the most of your time, whenever he just sees you wandering around the halls he fetches rook to come and get you and he had to 'remind' you that you two are 'dating' and it'd be just so suspicious if you don't even spend time together.

much to the annoyance of ace— and admittedly deuce as well, you had transferred tables leaving them with no prefect that ace uses to pay for food. now you're sitting in the table of the pomefiore head and vice, looking far too stiff.

(epel is there as well but he's just glad he can use you as a cover to not sit next to vil.)

and you discover how brutal the media is.

there's a headline about you.

jesus there's a fucking headline about you.

normally you'd start freaking out but when you saw the title you can literally see your life crumbling away. 'vil schoenheit rumored to break up with nrc's golden girl'. you blanked out staring at it for a good minute.

first of all. since when were you a golden girl? what kind of weird ass nickname was that. you sigh and continue to scroll down, to far in deep to simply close the website tab. another line caught your eye.

'vil schoenheit leaving nrc's golden girl for former co-worker actress; helena—'

you think you just lost one more braincell from the shenanigans of whoever made this. what made them even think about this? they worked together like a year ago.

under it were decently formed sentences that actually make sense. it's not one of those where they just clip a picture of them together coincidentally meeting but the evidence they backed up add up.

for some reason it makes you sad.

compared to this headline, it painted helena in a good light. it was kind of ironic since if vil dated them first you're sure they would've gotten backlash from the fangirls, fanboys and negative society.

but since he 'dated' you first everyone just thinks you aren't good enough for him. so they want him to upgrade to someone better.

your headline were just about the composer picking out every insecurity you were sure you buried, accusing you of things you never once did, generally stuff that made you want to throw up and start bawling cause it actually hurt.

it feels helpless.

you were never in a position to judge, or are at all since you're the one receiving help but still. it feels humiliating for everyone to judge you for what you eat, or look like.

well I'm sorry I don't fit in your unrealistic standards. you sniffle aggressively. rolling your eyes and resisting the urge to throw your phone at the wall.

you don't know how long it's been since you started releasing the feelings. you haven't cried since that time in your world, you realize that you haven't once succumbed to the stress in your situation.

so embarrassingly enough you plop down your bed and get ready to wet your pillow with tears.

that night you didn't get much sleep which was a given since you spent the time crying your heart out, remembering all your problems one by one and giving them all a separate bawling session. at the very least the bottle had been opened.

you didn't even have the heart to stand up from your bed from the absolute shitty feeling that consumed you. eventually hours passed with you silently staring at the broken ceiling like it's gonna fix everything you're experiencing.

times like these were the ones you hated. feelings are so shitty. you groan.

there's a knock at your door that silences any brooding you previously were doing.

you stare at it dumbly and force a throaty voice. "go away guys.. I'm sick.." you tell to your two friends that's most likely outside the door. ace and deuce don't even need to go all the way here to drag you to school. 

well either way you didn't have time to react when there's a click and vil struts in. freezing when he sizes up your pathetic state. great, vil seeing you like this was the worst timing ever. you'd prefer deuce and ace anyday!

his eyes wanders to your face—and to the clump on tissues near your trashcan. some had made it into the can itself while the others didn't exactly go to their property place with you barely seeing it with blurry, teary eyes last night. 

"you cried?" he states a matter of factly and you're a little suprised with his sudden calmness. you were sure he'd comment about your appearance. 

no way you'd tell him. "it's nothing."

vil stares at you for a good minute or two and even you're struggling to keep up the smile. then he sighs and takes a seat by the bed, right next to you. vil turns to you. "whatever you were crying about. don't waste your tears on it, instead either face it head on or ignore it."

he says. you still when he reaches out to push back a very messy strand of hair away from your face. "don't cry. I don't want to see your pretty face sad."

from that day on you never saw rook be the one to escort you in, and out the door. this time it was vil, always vil.

days had passed after that admittedly embarrassing time with vil. now you don't know what to think of him at all, he can't just pull a stunt like that because there wasn't any onlookers so he didn't even need to put on a show..

he started showing you a more degree of attention. always asking how you were feeling, checking up on you. it was sweet and it felt like your heart was about to burst. it felt like he genuinely cared for your well-being. 

"talk to me."

unexpectedly though.. when he did give you more attention he practically demanded some in return. he tells you to talk to him, half the time you don't know how to start but at the end your pleasantly babbling about something while he listens attentively.

he needs to stop being like that or else you'd be crushed when he leaves.

you'd practically started counting down the days the minute vil told you he had gotten a formal invitation for a talk show, one that would most likely question his relationship with you after months of being seen 'together'.

you were thankful regardless. you learned a lot from vil, be it those acting lessons he gave you to reinforce your couple front or the feeling of love you would come to miss when it's gone.

it was late at night. you were anxiously waiting for the show to start, and when it did you were practically waiting for the moment the host drops the bomb. the question didn't come immediately which made sense since they probably wanted vil to get comfortable first.

speaking of vil.. he looks beautiful without wearing school uniform, as expected. 

you ignore the fact that you're getting side tracked.

"so mister schoenheit.. about… MC was it? are you both still together?" this was it, if everything goes according to plan vil will state that you're already broken up. since the media got off your back he doesn't need a reason to keep you with him.

you watch in anticipation. this is it.. the end..

he smiles at the camera, and you can't help but think that he's looking right at you. "of course, I could never let them go."

"HUH??" 

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Don’t Run

Prompts: hello hello hello i have a merlin fic idea (which you are Not obligated to write /gen) merlins been hiding his magic from arthur for ages (but arthur already knows about it, doesnt really care, and has just been waiting for merlin to tell him on his own terms). merlins magic gets revealed and merlin is Terrified. he basically begs aurthur to not burn him and instead banish him or something. arthur (who was not expecting this) decides hey maybe its a good idea to let all these emptions calm down before I talk about this with him because clearly merlin isnt okay right now. and so he leaves merlin to let him have a break. but merlin freaks (or gets kidnapped or something idk /lh) and decides 'fuck it time to run before he decides to kill me.' arthur now has to go find this magic dumbass (he's probably very worried about him) However, when he finds merlin, merlin assumes arthur is there to kill him and figures 'well if arthur wants me dead i suppose i'll have to die' or something.  arthur is naturally horrified and rushes to clear things up. again, if you dont want to write this/dont feel comfortable writing it, dont /gen (i know its detailed brain went brrrr at like midnight and thought this up lmao) have a great day!!! drink water or get bonked /lh - anon

me, as the angsty person i am, am a sucker for the 'Person A gets kidnapped or captured for a bit and when they're rescued think they're dreaming/hallucinating' trope. no pressure for you to write this ofc, feel free to ignore this /gen - anon

prompt: can you please do a Merlin gets betrayed by someone he cares about h/c fic? also can merlin be aroace and trans? - anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: panic attacks, betrayal, anti-magic sentiments

Pairings: merthur, can be platonic or romantic you decide

Word Count: 3725

It was supposed to be a normal hunt. It was supposed to be a normal hunt. 

It was supposed to be this: they get out of the castle so Arthur can be less of a prat, the knights have that weird banter that they always do where it’s ‘we can make fun of him but if anyone else tries, you will be eviscerated,’ and Merlin gets to enjoy being in the woods because it’s nice outside and he doesn’t actually have to do that much. They only tend to hunt small things like rabbits and birds anyway. 

It was not supposed to be most of the knights having to stay behind for various reasons, including Gwaine who somehow got swept into helping Leon with a council thing. 

It was not supposed to be just him, Arthur, and three random knights. 

It was not supposed to end like this. 

Merlin grunts, hitting the ground hard as a sword slams into his back. He gasps, struggling to find purchase on the loose dirt as the sound of shouts reach his ringing ears. He turns over, trying to get up, only to have the point of a sword leveled at his face. 

“G-Gareth?”

Gareth, the knight who had actually been decent to him—which meant he’d helped put away his equipment, helped Merlin tidy up, and actually been nice to him—snarls down at him, sword still aimed right at his throat. 

“What—what’s going on?”

“Don’t play dumb, you wretched thing,” the man growls, the point of the sword perilously close to slitting his throat, “I’ve had my eye on you since I came to Camelot.”

“Your eye on me—what? What’re you talking about?”

“As if you don’t know!”

Merlin’s breathing grows ragged as the sword forces his head back down on the ground. Gareth leans over him, spittle flying from his lips. 

“You’re poison,” hisses the same mouth that called him kind, called him compassionate, called him hopeful, “you’re a plague that deserves to be wiped out. Scum and traitors, all of you, inhuman bastards that drag the rest of us down to your level.”

It’s the shock of the words that does it, bringing tears to Merlin’s eyes as the conviction in the man’s face drives the sword down further. “G-Gareth, I—“

“Don’t.” 

He winces as the sword digs in. 

“Keep my name out of your hell mouth,” the man spits, “don’t try and curse me.”

“What,” says the most glorious and furious voice Merlin has ever heard, “is the meaning of this?”

Arthur.

Arthur storms up to them, his own sword drawn, eyes like flame as he sees Gareth with his sword at Merlin’s throat. 

“Drop it,” he warns in a voice of steel, “and I might just let you keep your life.”

“He’s a sorcerer, sire.”

Merlin’s blood runs cold. 

No. 

No. 

No, no, no, no, this can’t be happening. 

Not like this. Arthur wasn’t supposed to find out like this. No, he was—he was going to tell him, promise, he was but—but after, after everything was fine and fixed and then—then he could—

Not like this. Please, not like this. 

“A sorcerer? Merlin? You must be joking.”

“It’s no joke, sire.” Gareth snarls again. “I saw him with my own eyes. His eyes glowed, he threw a spear halfway across the arena without his hands. He has magic, I tell you.”

Merlin looks helplessly at Arthur but all he sees is a stony face. The blade turns him back after a second, back into the face of contempt and hatred and all the things that hurt far worse than any sword. 

“We must kill him,” Gareth says solemnly, “to root out the poison before it destroys us all.”

And before Merlin can say anything, before Arthur can say anything, he lifts the sword and makes to swing. 

“Merlin!”

A blast and Gareth is flying back across the clearing, smacking against the tree and falling to the ground with a clang. 

It rings in the still air. 

Merlin’s eyes widen. 

He doesn’t hear the cries of sorcerer, magic, evil over the pounding of his heart in his ears. He doesn’t see the light glint off of blades as they’re pulled from scabbards. He doesn’t feel the threat of others getting closer over the dread of what he’s just done. 

He’s killed himself. 

He used magic to hurt one of the knights of Camelot. 

He revealed himself in front of Arthur. 

What have I done?

“Sire, what do we do?” He hears the voice from a mile away. “I’ve never killed a sorcerer before.”

Never killed a sorcerer before. 

He’s asking Arthur how to kill a sorcerer. 

Arthur knows how to kill a sorcerer. 

Arthur has killed a sorcerer before. 

Arthur is going to kill me. 

Merlin shies away from them, curling up into a ball before realizing that could be seen as defiance and whimpering, throwing himself to his knees with his hands raised. 

“I’ll go,” he croaks, “I’ll—I’ll leave, you’ll never see me again, just—just let me go. Banish me instead.”

Please, just let me run. 

He can’t look at Arthur’s eyes, filled with rage and contempt like Gareth as he strikes him down. He can’t look at him like that, he can’t do it. He won’t survive that alone. It wouldn’t be the sword that kills him. 

“Please—please, I’ll go. I’ll go and you’ll never see me again,” he begs, “just—just let me go.”

“Pathetic,” another one of them says, “is that the best he can do? I’ve seen a dog beg better than that.”

Arthur still hasn’t said anything. 

“We need to kill him, sire,” Gareth says—oh, he must’ve gotten up— “who knows what he could do?”

Merlin finally looks up, if only to see how close they all are, and his eyes lock with Arthur’s. 

He can’t see any of the man he knows. 

“Return to camp,” says the stranger who wears Arthur’s face, “pack the supplies. We must make ready for a hasty retreat back to Camelot.”

“But sire—“

“Now.”

Two of the knights glance at each other and slowly begin to back away. Gareth remains for a moment longer. 

“Be wary, sire,” he says, “he’s tricky. Did his best to seduce me, he’s a wily one.”

“I can handle him. Go.”

Gareth shoots one last truly disdainful look at him before he retreats into the undergrowth, the sheen of his sword the last to vanish. 

Then it’s just the two of them. 

“Arthur,” Merlin gasps, “Arthur, please—“

“Shut up.”

The words are different. They’re not playful, not irritated, not—not Arthur. They’re cold. Impersonal. An order. They strike Merlin like rocks from a sling, making him flinch into a sharp rock that jabs right through the thin material of his trousers. His throat closes until only pained and pitiful whines can escape. 

They remain where they are for a long moment before Arthur begins to retreat as well, sword still held aloft, backing away until he’s far enough that Merlin can hardly see him. Only then does he turn. 

Merlin watches the single spot of red walk away from him until it vanishes into the forest. 

His magic tingles in the tips of his fingers and a soundless yell burns his throat as he shoves his hands against his chest, trying to make it go away, this is all your fault, you ruined everything, you always ruin everything!

He has to run. He has to run because sorcerers die in Camelot, they’re put to the sword or burned at the stake and he can’t look at Arthur while he kills him. He can’t. He just can’t. He’d sooner die of that than whatever execution they can dream up. 

With stumbling and clumsy steps that are dragged down by his traitorous magic that for some reason doesn’t want him to flee from the site of his execution, he scrambles to his feet and runs. 

If Arthur—if Arthur finds him after this, he can say he tried to run. He can run again, he’ll keep running. He’ll spend his life running if it means Arthur won’t kill him and he won’t have to see it. 

He runs harder and faster than he’s ever run before because Arthur is a warrior who’s been trained to kill since birth and he’s stronger and faster and can run for longer and if he catches Merlin—

He loses track of where he is. He just runs. 

But his magic, his damned magic, that has always loved Arthur more than it loves him, won’t let him. 

Like a tether from his navel that twists through the forest, he knows exactly where Arthur is. And exactly when he starts to give chase. 

A wretched sob tears itself from his throat and he pushes on, his magic dragging him back each step as Arthur gets closer, closer, closer, and he’s no longer just hearing his own breath and phantom footsteps as he crashes through the woods. He can hear the snapping of twigs, the rustling of leaves, and that voice. 

That damned voice. 

“Merlin!”

He can’t stop. If he stops he dies. If he stops Arthur kills him. If he stops he—he—

His magic all but throws him over a root and he yelps, turning into a frightened scream as he’s pitched down a hill and into a boulder with a crack. 

“Merlin!”

Leaves rustle as Arthur skids down the hill after him and he’s so close, he’s right there and Merlin has to run, he has to run now, but his legs are shaking and his arms won’t work and his magic keeps tugging him back toward Arthur and he just collapses into a useless, cowering mess at Arthur’s feet. 

“Merlin!”

“No—no fire,” he gasps out, “please, you—you can do it here, I won’t fight, I won’t—you can use your sword, please, no fire, I don’t want to burn—please, no fire—“

A strong hand grips his shoulder and pulls him in to—

No sword pierces his chest. No dagger finds a home in his gut. There are no hissed words, no glares, no low solemn speeches about magic as a plague. 

He can’t even see Arthur anymore. Just the hill. There are two tracks in it. One where he fell and one where Arthur skidded after him. Red fabric flutters in front of him too. Arthur’s cape. 

Why can he see Arthur’s cape?

Only when a head turns and breath starts to puff over his neck does he realize what’s happened. 

“A-Arthur?”

“Don’t you ever,” Arthur says in a rush, chest still heaving against Merlin’s where he’s pulled him flush against him, legs tangled in a heap, “scare me like that again.”

He’s…he’s in Arthur’s lap. Arthur’s holding him. Arthur’s hugging him. 

Arthur has his face buried in Merlin’s neck and he’s telling him not to scare him like that again. 

“Arthur?”

“You,” he says, and he sounds like Arthur again—a very angry Arthur, but at least it’s Arthur— “are the biggest idiot I’ve ever met.”

He pulls back and his eyes are still on fire but he’s looking at Merlin like a starving man. 

“Why did you run? You could’ve been hurt! You were hurt, you slammed into the rock like it broke your back.” He runs a hand over Merlin’s spine as if reassuring himself Merlin’s not hurt. “You idiot, I almost lost you.”

Merlin just blinks. Almost…lost him? Doesn’t Arthur want to kill him?

“Well?”

Oh. Arthur’s waiting for an answer. “Aren’t you going to kill me?”

Arthur’s face goes white, slack in horror, then contorts anew in red rage. “No, Merlin, I’m not going to bloody kill you.”

“B-but you—“

“I didn’t want the others to try, you absolute petticoat,” he says, still glaring, “because you’re a little lamb who rolls over whenever anyone is trying to fight you except me—which is rude, by the way—and you wouldn’t so much as lift a finger to defend yourself if they tried!”

…that’s why he sent them away?

Arthur rolls his eyes when he voices that thought. “Yes, Merlin. They’re under the impression that they’re to start back to Camelot without me to gather reinforcements.”

Reinforcements—the knights—no— 

“Calm down, you idiot, they’re not actually going to—oh, for the love of—Merlin.”

Merlin listens to that. He freezes in Arthur’s arms as Arthur’s hand comes up to cup the back of his head. He stares at him pointedly, gaze flicking from one eye to the other. 

“I lied,” he says slowly as if he’s talking to a child, “so they would leave.”

“You…you did?”

“Yes. Because then I could talk to you about having magic—hey,” he says firmly as Merlin tries to pull away again, “none of that. Stay with me.”

Another order. He can do those. 

“Right. I wanted to talk with you about having magic so that now we can work together to keep things like this from happening and—where are you going?”

“What do you mean now,” Merlin asks, eyes widening as he tries anew to struggle away from Arthur, “what does that mean?”

“Merlin, I’ve known you’ve had magic for a while now, and—“

“You what?”

“Come on, you’re not exactly good at hiding it all the—hey!”

Merlin had flailed, succeeding in loosening Arthur’s grip and sending them both falling over. He scrambles up, trying to claw his way free but Arthur is faster and he’s on him in an instant. 

“This isn’t working,” he hears Arthur growl to himself before arms like steel bands close around him, hauling his back against Arthur’s chest as legs lace through his and pin him well and truly. 

“N-no—“

“Shh,” comes Arthur’s voice, suddenly soft and gentle and Merlin hates the way he instantly relaxes, “easy, now. It’s alright. You’re alright.”

A truly pathetic whine leaves his mouth and Arthur hums. 

“I’m not going to kill you,” the gentle voice says again, “I’m not going to burn you and I’m not going to use my sword. You will not die.”

But he’s a sorcerer. Sorcerers die in Camelot. 

“I sent away the others to protect you. They’re not going to hurt you either. The knights—our knights—won’t let you be hurt and neither will I.” Arthur’s lips brush the shell of his ear. “You’re safe, Merlin. I’m going to protect you.”

“But,” Merlin gasps, “but I’m a sorcerer.”

“Yes,” Arthur says patiently, “you are. I’ve known that for a while. You are Merlin, you are a sorcerer, and I’m going to protect you.”

“Sorcerers die in Camelot. You—you should kill me.”

“I am not going to kill you. You are mine,” and there’s a hint of steel in his words now too, “and no one is going to touch you.”

His magic thrums in his veins and slowly, slowly his breathing slows. 

“If I let you go, will you run again?”

“N-no.”

“Alright.”

Arthur lets him go and Merlin doesn’t run. He lets Arthur turn him around and cup his neck again, the other hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t look mad anymore. 

“Is that why you ran,” he asks, still speaking softly, “did you think I was going to kill you?”

When Merlin nods, looking away in shame, he just hums again. 

“I’m not going to kill you.”

“I know that now.”

“Mhm. So when we go back—“

“Back?” Merlin’s head jerks up. “You’re not banishing me either?”

“What part of ‘I’m going to protect you’ did you not understand?”

“B-but I thought—“

“No, you didn’t,” he says in that soft voice that makes the insult almost an endearment, “you didn’t think because you didn’t realize that I could never kill you or send you away. I’d sooner leave with you.”

His magic hums as if to verify the truth in his words. “You…you would?”

Arthur frowns, but it’s not an angry frown. “You really don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?”

“How important you are.”

The forest seems to fall silent. 

Merlin’s eyes widen so much he’s afraid they’re going to fall out of his head. And Arthur’s just looking at him with his face all sincere and his voice is still soft and his hands are gentle where they hold Merlin like he’s something precious and—and—

“What?”

“All those jokes,” Arthur says, “about you and being replaceable and being the worst and a coward…I never really meant them. Never. Well, you are an awful servant, but none of the others. I don’t want you to leave.”

Slowly, like he’s coaxing a skittish animal to him, he pulls him closer. 

“I want you.”

Something in Merlin’s chest breaks and he’s sobbing into Arthur’s shoulder in the next moment, hands scrabbling uselessly at his cape, his armor, his hair, every bit of him that he can reach. Arthur weathers the storm like a castle in a gale, holding him tight enough that he won’t blow away. 

“I want you,” he whispers, sweet rain in the clouded sky, “I want you to stay, Merlin.”

————

He’s on his back. He’s got a sword at his throat. Arthur stares down at him like his glare is enough to burn him alive and he’s snarling out Merlin’s name. 

“Magic is a plague. You’re poison. You’ve betrayed me. How could you do this?”

Merlin can’t speak. His mouth trapped shut. Arthur lifts the sword. 

“You’re nothing but an inhuman beast,” come the words that hurt far more than any mortal weapon, “you, who cannot love, who are of twisted mind and body, you who do not understand what it is to be a human.”

All of the secrets he’d hoped to hide…exposed for the world to see.

“May all of Camelot curse your name,” he growls, “Merlin. Merlin, Merlin—“

“Merlin!”

Merlin gasps, jolting upright, trying to get away from the sword, just run—

“Merlin, calm down,” Arthur says, wrapping his arms around him and coaxing him to his chest, “it’s only a dream, Merlin, it’s only a dream.”

No, no, this must be the dream. Why would he be in Arthur’s chambers, at night, in bed, in bed with Arthur—this can’t be—

“Shh, shh, shh, sweetheart,” Arthur murmurs, lying back down with Merlin in his arms, “I’ve got you. It’s only me. You’re safe.”

“A-Arthur?”

“Yes, sweetheart. It’s me.” There’s a mouth on his neck. “Just me.”

He’s still panting, the run still pushing through his legs. Arthur hums, settling him into the blankets and propping himself up over him. 

“Where are you right now?”

“Forest,” Merlin chokes out, “sword. You were going to—to kill me.” He swallows. “Said all of Camelot would curse my name.”

“You’re with me,” Arthur says gently, “we’re in the castle. I’m not going to kill you. Can you see?”

He looks around. There’s the desk. There’s the window. Arthur’s white nightshirt is shining in the moonlight. 

“…yeah.” He swallows. “I’m—I’m not abusing you, am I?”

Arthur almost reels back in shock. “What? What on earth are you talking about?”

“I—‘cause I can’t—I can’t love the way that—“

“Stop right there,” Arthur orders, leaning down and cupping his face in his hands, “don’t you give a damn about that, you hear me? I care for you, I’m fond of you, you care for me, you’re fond of me, yes?”

“Y-yes.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

Merlin swallows again. “And I’m not…wrong?”

“‘Wrong?’”

“…you don’t mind—“ he blushes— “my—my body?”

“Your bod—goodness, Merlin, this must’ve been quite the nightmare.” Arthur shakes his head. “No, Merlin, your body’s yours. You do what you like with it.”

It says something about how rattled he is that he doesn’t reach for any of the jokes he could make right now. 

“Hey,” Arthur calls, leaning down and carding his fingers through his hair, “be gentle with yourself, alright? That was a horrible thing that happened, let it heal in its own time.”

“But it’s hard.”

“I know.” Arthur leans over to kiss his cheek. “Trust me, I know.”

Merlin rolls over, wrapping his arms around Arthur as he chuckles in surprise, pulling him into a proper cuddle. 

“You just have to stay, then, until it feels better.”

“Oh, Merlin,” he hears faintly as sleep begins to tug at him once more, “you don’t need to make reasons for me to stay. I’m staying with you, sweetheart, for the rest of our lives.”

[elliebean714]

It's Only A Movie

Alex Jones/Barry Milland x GN!Reader (Platonic)

Fluff, Some Angst With Comfort

Pt1 Pt2

Summary~ He Gets Spooked Whilst Watching A Movie With You, You Help Him Feel Better

AN~ A friend personally requested this. This for you girl😘 He's so precious omlllll🥺💕💖 i made Alex chubb chubb in this because he absolutely would be. Credit to Drew Gooden for the title name lol. Sorry this is kinda short

Later that night, Alex asked to watch a movie with you. You were happy to oblige, showing him a catalogue of kid friendly movies, he began to look through all the colourful posters and fun names whilst you made popcorn and poured him a glass of apple juice.

"This one." He tells you, his voice barely above a whisper, you put the movie on and place his juice and the popcorn on the coffee table ahead of you both. You know Alex is still wary of any physical touches, you sat beside him, but left a considerable amount of space in between you both so he'd be comfortable.

~~

You look over to Alex every few minutes to make sure he was alright. One time, you see that he's staring at the popcorn bowl hesitantly.

"It's okay, you can have some if you want." You reassure him, he smiles very lightly, mumbles his gratitude before carefully picking up a few pieces. You follow after him, taking less as you know he likes to eat a lot more than you.

~~

When Alex drank all his juice, you left him alone to quickly refill his glass. He still didn't like being in rooms alone, scared of something bad happening, to himself or to you, so you always left the doors open and tried to stay where he could see you.

You carefully placed the glass on the table ahead of him but he was too enthralled in the movie to notice. You smile, glad he's found something that makes him happy.

~~

Around an hour into the movie, a snake like creature appeared on screen, Alex recoiled in fear, whimpering quietly, his breath hitched and tears began welling in his eyes. He slowly moved closer to you, seeking your comfort.

"You okay?" You ask him softly. He shakes his head, you knew the important details of his past, things to avoid, but there were somethings he hadn't told anyone, you guessed snakes were one of them. "Hey, it's alright." You comfort him, before quickly pausing the movie, he continues to shuffle closer to you. "It's over, okay, it's over."

"Sorry." He mumbles, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"It's alright Alex, it's okay. Dont worry. Take your time. I'll be right here, let me know if you need anything okay?" You calm him with your gentle voice. He mumbles something unintelligible, beginning to fidget with his fingers. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that please?" You inquire softly, not wanting to pressure him.

"Can we cuddle please?" He asks a bit louder. You nod, opening your arms. He quickly maneuvers himself into the safety of your hold.

You'd be lying if you said his reaction didn't suprise you. Since you had began caring for him, physical touch always upset him, even with a warning, he'd always showed distress when touched. So being asked to cuddle brought you an immense amount of joy, you were so happy he felt safe with you.

"Thank you." You heard him whisper against you. "I'm happy you're my best friend."

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~Elliebean714

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[bloodycassian]

darkness defined - 

az or cass x reader idk if this makes sense or not but here we go, either az or cas POV where reader (their mate) was stuck under the mountain with rhys and doesn’t come back bc she is still locked in the dungeons (rhys just assumed she died, he doesn’t know she is still alive)  Switch to readers POV, a few months later where they think their mate and their family (the night court) has abandoned them bc nobody ever came looking for her. Reader is like on the verge of death and uses her last energy to send a pulse down the bond. Switch back to az or cas POV  who are basically freaking out with guilt and anger and worried-ness. Im sorry it’s super long don’t feel pressured to write this anytime soon idk if it even makes sense  

DONT APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SPECIFIC! I LOVE WORKING WITH THIS KIND OF STUFF PLEASE DO MORE LOL

Cassian was a wreck. From the moment Rhys came home alone, and until the end of time it seemed to be. Azriel sighed, watching his brother down his second bottle of alcohol. His eyes were red, face gaunt and pale. The circles under those tortured eyes looked more like bruises. 

He hadn't talked to Rhys much since the news came that you were gone. Cassian had practically blown the roof off the house of wind, then disappeared for two weeks. The only reason Rhys had let him was because Az followed, far behind just to make sure he wasn't going to do anything drastic. 

Azriel watched his brother circle the mountain, only to have to turn away. Wards made by Helion himself refused entry to anyone while the mountain was still being evacuated of Fae. He glared daggers at the people streaming outside the shield. His heart was a painful stab in his chest constantly. His mate.. gone. He refused to believe it. And Azriel saw the denial there, plain as day. 

Azriel had only stopped him once. When he packed a bag and started his flight to Hybern. He earned a black eye and a verbal lashing for that, but it had saved Cassian from going on a suicide mission.

After a month of being out, he went to his brother. Rhys refused to ask Helion to lower the shields around the Mountain, and finally Cassian seemed to give up. He would have gone to Helion himself, but the wards around his court prevented him from doing so. Rhys was torn up over the entire experience of under the mountain, but losing you was one of the worst parts. He would never forgive himself for losing his brother's mate. 

Azriel watch his brother's eyes get more and more dull. Watched the bottles stack up. Rhys wasn't around much, busy regaining control over his city, getting updated. And keeping an eye on Spring Court.  Cassian sighed when the bitter liquid hit his tongue. He drank like it was salvation. Like it would lead him back to you. Plus, it helped him sleep. It was the only time he could sleep without seeing you, without feeling that pull - the command his instincts gave. "Find me, find me. I'm here. I love you. Please."  He often escaped to the cabin. To not have to talk to anyone, and to keep Rhys from stealing his bottles from him. Cassian was convinced Rhys was saving them to drink for himself. That's where he found himself flying, bottle of booze in hand. The guilt a lead weight in his stomach. 

The door shut, and he finished the first bottle in an hour. 

Mor appeared beside him, took the second bottle from his hand and had a long drink herself. He smiled drunkenly, showing too many teeth at her. He wasn't sure if she was actually glowing or if it was his eyes squinting too much. "Cheers." He slurred, taking the bottle back and downing more.

+ The walls were getting drier and drier with each passing day. The once cool winds that would cut through the stone dungeons were turning softer, warmer. It was a welcome relief, but without the muddy water from the walls...you knew you didn't have much left. Your spirit was crushed, on top of it. Death seemed like not a terrible option anymore.  Especially knowing that your court - your friends - your family had left you. They had just... forgotten. Thrown you aside like nothing. Didn't even try to find you. Like the Winter court skeleton in the cell beside you, just left to die.

  You pushed the thoughts back, knowing that logically that wasn't true. But you couldnt come up with a reason why they would leave you down here. You prayed, you tried sending thoughts down the bond. Nothing worked. Sometimes your mind got the better of you, and you would rush to the bars of your prison cell when you thought you heard faint footsteps. 

Then you would hear your own voice echo back, and no one else.  Eventually you stopped getting up. You let the fantasies keep you entertained while you lay on the floor. Not caring about the bugs that crawled on you. You were glad there wasn't a mirror to see yourself in. A wave of dizziness crashed over you, and you fell into darkness. 

When the water ran dry, you stopped bothering calling out for Cassian. The bond was there, but saturated. Trying to grasp it was like trying to hold wind. You were too exhausted. So you propped yourself up in a corner and let the dizziness pull you under again for a moment. Taking rattling breaths, you let your mind wander to that mind bridge. That once sturdy marble that would always remind you of Cassian. 

You sent out a final tug down that bond. Using the last of your energy, you put all your effort into it. "I'm here, I always will be. I love you. I'm sorry." The platform you imagined your bond being seemed to go dark, and lifeless. Empty.

+ Cassian shot upright, head spinning. Mor was asleep beside him, her feet on the table. He shook her, trying to shake the stupor. "Wake up. Wake up!" She groaned, weakly batting him away. He took a breath, trying to steady himself. He wobbled to the kitchen, dunked his head in the cold sink water and slapped himself a few times. The haziness from his stupor crawled away, slowly. 

Mor appeared in the archway, rubbing her eyes.

"Get Rhys. I need you to winnow us." He demanded, patting her face softly. Her eyebrows knit together but she stretched, and sleepily obliged.  + You assumed the crackling was just your starved imagination. Again. But the wind changed as well, and you tried not to let your hopes up. You weakly opened your eyes, to the same familiar cell. A silent tear slid down your cheek.  Then there were the shuffling of footsteps again, and you hid your face in your hands. It seemed like all the imagination tricks were attacking at once. You wanted it to stop. You wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep until you could see and hold Cassian again. Voices, now.

The sweet deep voice of a man who spoke another language. An ancient language. Your ears rang. You cracked your eyes again, to a blinding white light. You held a hand in front of your face, trying to see behind it. 

A thud, and scrape of metal. Then the scent hit you. It was similar to what you had imagined but somehow a million times better. Then, his arms were around you. "Mother above." He breathed. You would have thought the mother took you at last if it wasnt for the pain in your gut.

"We got you honey, I'm so sorry. Im-" He tried to hold back a sob. You smiled weakly at the familiar, yet different eyes that you loved. The marble platform you shared seemed to be lighting up with happiness. At the same time, crumbling and falling with shame. Anguish. 

Rhys began winnowing the group immediately, nodding to Helion. The high lord gave him a melancholy smile back, and winnowed himself in a flash of light. He would check the rest of the mountain with his forces and repair the wards before he returned to his home. 

Everyone surrounded the healer, watching her work. Mor was trying to stay calm, but her hands shook when she held Amrens. Rhys and Azriel both had jaws clenched, shoulders tense. Watching the way Cassian's tears fell on to your shoulder as he cradled you. The healer squeezed  his arm softly, silently requesting him to move. He didn't.

Azriel went to his brother, wrapping an arm around him. "Your mate needs you to be strong, Cas." He consoled, pulling him away gently. Cassian held you tighter, just for a second then nodded and let go. He held your hand firmly. His warmth missing from your body was a shock. You began shivering. Amren tugged a blanket off the guest couch nearby and placed it over your legs. 

"T-thanks." you muttered. Her eyes widened, but she nodded. Her and Rhys glanced to each other. A silent conversation. You didnt care. 

"Cas?" You squeezed his hand, and there he was. His pale face looked ragged. He seemed like he was struggling in every sort of way. You didnt want to imagine what he was looking at when he looked at your features. You could practically feel your cheeks sinking in, your bones losing their density. "I missed you." You smiled, trying to lift his mood. 

His lips quivered, and he nodded. He kissed the back of your hand. "You wouldnt believe how much I missed you. All of us did." he glanced to Rhys. His face was blank, but that steady stream of power seemed to be crackling outside. 

You let your eyes drift to each of your friends. Each of their tear stained faces were such a welcome relief. Over a month alone, their presence alone was enough to soothe that part of you that doubted their love. 

Cassian kissed your forehead, before the healer's light knocked you into a peaceful sleep. 

[il-ballo-della-vita-maneskin]

Dating headcanons for Victoria De Angelis (aka The Queen herself)

I’ll maybe also post Ethan or Thomas today if I have time, but don’t hold me on that

Anyway,, hope you like it, requests are open, there is more I’m planning to do for Vic and yeah, I think it’s all <3

warnings: none, it’s just fluff;

~

- she probably always needs to be touching you in some way in public

- it doesn’t matter is it just hand holding or an arm around your waist

- she likes dancing with you

- imagine her turning you around your apartment, while you are both singing off-key dear mother of god please

- secretly takes pics of you (but wouldn’t do anything with them if you don’t want her to)

- and you somehow always look nice on them, so you allow her to post them (her stories are maybe full of your random photos)

- would really enjoy having you braid her hair

- loves going to fancy dates with you

- also, absolutely would do your makeup, if you are wearing it, and would help you pick your outfits

- if you are separated, you talk with each other over phone for hours

- but it brings no pressure to either of you

- like, you know the other one wouldn’t get angry if you can’t call them, nor it feels like an obligation to talk to them

- it’s something both of you really enjoy

- talking about most random shit in bed for a long time before either of you falls asleep

- would be up to try all your hobbies

- she plays you bass very often and you could listen to her for hours and you have no idea how much it means to her

- makes you coffee every morning (knows exactly how you like it)

- telling each other stories about your life

- and reading aloud to each other

- like, your head is in her lap, and she is absentmindedly stroking your hair, concentrated on the story, but you are only half focused on it because you can’t tear your eyes from her lips and how damn beautiful she looks

- dont wanna repeat myself but dear mother of god please

- she has the same problem when you are reading to her, so no worries

- but she would pay all her attention to what you are reading to her if she sees it’s important to you

- she would be amazing in comforting you

-now little scenario i’m planning on adding for all the members ↓

- early morning, basket full of strawberries, rome streets and incredible musicians, while you are walking up to the park, to find a picnic spot

- then, when you get to the park and set up your picnic, she leans back on the tree, your feet is in her lap, and she massages them, purposely tickling you

- later both of you lay on the blanket, your head on her chest, and watch the sky, while eating strawberries you brought (or whatever you prefer)

- and you are talking about everything and anything, never failing to make each other laugh

- you can spend hours like that, not even realizing the time has passed

Love, Ri✨

P.S. this is my first post, so please tell me what you think about it! Keep in mind English isn’t my first language and I apologize if there are any mistakes. Have a wonderful morning, afternoon, evening or night!

[lovelyyy-luna]

study break

pairing: (fezco x fem!reader)

fandom: euphoria

type: smut

warning: 18+ fingering (fem receive), praising, blow job, choking.

request: anon: can you do a fex x reader where he’s being kinda clingy and it ends in smut but like kinda rough

word count: 1226

a/n: the reader is in high school but is 18 :)

date: march 26, 2021

masterlist

This last month was vastly busy for you. Senior finals were coming up and you needed to do at least okay on them if you wanted to graduate on time.

You were watching the shop while you were studying and your boyfriend Fez was dealing in the back.

You didn’t know if it was because you were busy but Fez has been very clingy lately. Every time one of his customers came in the back and left he would walk out with them and wrap his arms around you. And like clockwork someone would come in interrupting his time with you.

You didn’t mind him just hanging around you but he would try to distract you from your studying so you did your best to ignore him. You would give him little kisses but be mainly focused on your work and not him.

He didn’t have anyone coming by the shop for at least an hour so he decided to take advantage of that. He locked the front door and made his way to behind you, nuzzling his face into your neck giving you little pecks up and down.

“Fez, baby, I know you want to have fun but I really need to study.”

“I know. Why don't I just take control and you just focus on your studying?” his lips trailed up your neck and bit your earlobe.

“That's not fair,” you start losing your train of thought when his tongue swirled around your neck, “you know all my weak spots and i-” you were cut off by his hands sliding up your shirt and pinching your nipples, “and I don't even know what I was about to say.”

He laughs lightly against your skin. “How about while I have my fun with you, you read out loud what you are studying? Sounds like a plan?”

You nod just wanting his mouth back on your sweet spot. “Okay honey, read your study guide.”

You were always puddy in his hands when he called you that, “honey, you need to study,” he then resumed his work on your neck.

You try to read the paper but you felt his hands trail back down to the button of your pants and stopped. “Read it,” he said sternly and resumed sliding your pants off leaving you in your shirt and underwear.

With a nervousness to your voice, you read aloud one of the questions, “what happened in Chicago in 18-” you moaned as he slowly rubbed your clit over your underwear, “86 that led to the killing of 8 people?”

You wanted him to go faster and as if he was a mind reader, “I’ll go faster if you answer the question correctly.” he whispered and kissed the side of your head.

“Um, it was,” he started to pick up pace, “the uh Haymarket Riot.”

“Good job honey,” his praise made you even wetter. “Read another.”

“Please baby,” you looked back at him wanting him to just take you already.

“No, you said you needed to study, and I'm helping you. Read another, now.”

You look back at the paper and read the next one, “what um, groups were the uh, result of the, fuck,” Fez’ moved your underwear to the side and slide one finger in and started to move painstakingly slow.

“Honey I dont think the word fuck is on that paper,” he chuckled in your love-bitten bruised neck.

“What groups were the result of the social gospel?” you couldn’t handle what he was doing to you.

“What was it, baby? I know you can do it.”

His praise made you moan, “the salvation army, oh god,” he started to go faster causing you to press your ass closer to him, “and um the YMCA.” with the other part of your answer correct he adds two other fingers in you.

Your chest was on top of the counter and your whole back half was exposed for him.

“One more honey?” he cooed.

You shook your head violently just wanting him to fill you.

“Do you wanna take a little study break?”

All you could do was nod your head, “you sure?”

“Fez please just fuck me!” you snap back to him.

He chuckles and with his three fingers still in you he uses his other hand to rub your clit. You squirm at his touch and you knew you were close and he knew that too. He kept at a steady pace but applied pressure whenever he could.

You couldn’t hold it any longer and with the last pump of his fingers curled up in you, you came all over his hand.

“Such a good girl,” he said, wiping the hair stuck to your face by your sweat.

“Do you think you can go another round for me, honey?”

You nod your head and his lips crash into yours, “good because when I did with you, you aren’t even going to remember your own name.”

His tongue then swirls with yours and with a swift motion he picks you up and places you on the stool that was behind the counter.

You get yourself situated and he starts to undo his pants, you see his hardon pressed violently against his jeans, and when he unleashed you could tell he wanted to fuck you for a while. He whimpered at the touch of your thumb rubbing his pre-cum down his shaft and then you lubed it up more with your spit.

When you bent down to put him in your mouth you heard him moan and that really got you going. With your hand wrapped around him and you bobbing your head, he was starting to become undone.

As much as he loved seeing you like this he wanted to be fucking your brain out.

He grabbed you by your hair and pulled you off him, and a line of spit from your mouth connected you to him. You wiped the spit off of you and wrapped it around him and gave him one last deep stroke making him grip your hair harder.

“Fuck baby you are going to the death of me.”

You get back on the stool, prop your arms on the counter. He centered himself in front of you, he moved his tip and spread your lips. He did this a few times to gather your wetness around him.

He slipped it in and waited for you to get used to him again.

You tell him to move faster and he happily obliged.

He was pounding into you, rubbing your clit. His other hand snaked up to your neck lightly choking you.

Your eyes rolled in the back of your head in pleasure.

Your moans and his grunting filled the shop.

You could feel another orgasm coming and his pace was increasing. You grab the arm that was choking you and forcefully pull him close to you. With his face being inches away from you his pace became slow and deep but his attention to your clit continued at a blinding speed that you screamed but quickly buried your face into his neck stifling it.

You both came down from your high and he places kisses on your forehead.

“Did you have fun, honey?”

You nod still in a state of shock and he could tell that he ruined you in the best way.

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tags: @l-some0wierd0girl-l