#please don't be mad at me. Things have been incredibly busy this past year and I just couldn't get away to post here. But now that Wind and

[brandonsanderson]

Hello everyone, it's been a while. I'm very sorry for not posting for so long, please don't be mad at me. Things have been incredibly busy this past year and I just couldn't get away to post here. But now that Wind and Truth is out I should have some more free time! I'm very proud of the book, please do check it out. It's available now in all the usual book buying places.

Quite a few of you have sent me questions over the past year, and I hope you're not mad at me for not getting to them yet. I'll try and get to as many of them as I can.

Thank you for your patience. Hopefully you'll be hearing more from me in the near future.

[lipstickstainz]

true lies - s. r. (14/15)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Series Summary: Spencer is furious, when you rejoin the team after a year and after you left him, when he got arrested. Little does he know, that you leaving him was the only option to ever get him out of prison.

Chapter Summary: Leaving is the only option - right?

Warnings: angst, blood (but not much), break up, drug addiction (mentioned), alcohol consumption

Word Count: 3.3k

A/N: hello lovies. I'm back and my mind is full of ideas! I hope you like it! gif not mine.

Series Masterlist

previous chapter

You watch the coffee in your cup as if it has all the answers for the future hidden in the caffeine. It's eight o'clock in the morning, and this is already your third cup of the sacred liquid, and you're sure it won't be your last. The shadows under your eyes are a sign of your nightmares that haunted you last night. The fact that you have them doesn't bother you, after all, you've been going through the procedure for months. What bothers you is the fact that you couldn't wake yourself up this time. You've gotten in the habit of pinching yourself when it would get too painful, but something stopped you last night. And the fact that you don't know what exactly bothers you the most.

"Y/N." Emily's voice pulls you out of your thoughts and you have to tear your gaze away from your coffee. "What do you think?"

All eyes are on you and out of nervousness you'd like to slide around in your chair, but suppress the urge. You haven't been listening for the last few minutes, too busy with your own thoughts and problems that you can't answer her. The case is supposed to be your last, and you're trying hard to enjoy it and value the time with your friends, but really you're just waiting for it all to be over. Most of all, you want to pack your things and leave.

You barely noticeably shake your head for Emily to continue, and turn your attention back to your coffee, which must be cold by now, but that doesn't stop you from drinking it down to the last drop. Without saying anything, you get up from your chair to get another one, paying no attention to Emily's annoyed look. As you fill your cup in the precinct kitchen, she stands right next to you.

"You're not being very helpful, Y/N," she says coolly as you take a sip. You know her manner is all pretense, because in reality she's incredibly concerned. She only needs to look at your face once to know what's going on in your head, but she doesn't address it. She knows you'll talk to her when the time is right. But you're not sure that will ever happen. "I've already assigned the tasks. You stay here and work with Spencer to gather all the important information that may be relevant to Penelope's research." The look on your face says it all. You don't want to spend any time with Spencer, and certainly not alone, but Emily gives you no choice. Before you can say anything back, she disappears out the door with the others.

With your coffee, which you now wish had a strong shot of vodka in it, you make your way back into the conference room, where Spencer is bent over the table, passing pictures and notes back and forth. You stop in the doorway and watch him for a brief moment, and only then do you notice the narrow, red scratch on his face that stretches from his cheek to his neck. You squint your eyes. It hadn't been there yesterday after all.

"What happened?“, you ask as casually as you can as you sit down and set your cup down on the table. As Spencer looks at you questioningly, you point to his face. "Looks bad." Indeed it does, though it's just a scratch. There's bloody crust in a few places, contrasting in color with his pale skin. Something really got to him.

"Cut myself shaving“, he replies curtly, glancing again at the pictures in front of him. You haven't seen him in two years, don't actually remember who he is exactly, but you still know when he's lying. And when to stop asking and let it go. When Penelope calls, you discuss some stuff and you see Spencer scratching over the wound until it bleeds, which he doesn't seem to notice, which is why you stall Penelope on the phone and grab his hand as soon as the line goes silent. Astonished, he looks at you before looking at his fingers.

"Come with me“, you say briefly and don't even wait for him to follow you. You approach an officer and ask for a first aid kit, which is immediately made available to you. Spencer follows you uncertainly into one of the washrooms, where you already put on the disposable gloves from the box - you don't want any bacteria to get on the wound - and wet a towel from the towel dispenser. Reluctantly, Spencer leans against one of the sinks, waiting for your instructions.

"Tilt your head to the side a little, please." You take the damp cloth and gently dab along the scratch to remove the dried blood. Spencer has to swallow at the touch and you see his Adam's apple bob, and really it shouldn't be that attractive, unfortunately it is anyway. You have to concentrate because this is the closest you've been to him in years. You breathe in his scent, feel his warmth through your gloves, and can barely stifle a deep breath.

"How do you know how to do that?“, he asks softly as you disinfect the wound, and Spencer has to pull himself together to keep from reacting to the burning from the alcohol.

You look at him briefly before turning your attention back to the scratch. „Experience“, you reply, spreading some wound healing ointment over it before taking off your gloves and disposing of everything in the trash can. You then put the first aid kit back together. As you turn around, Spencer is standing right in front of you.

"You didn't tell me you were having nightmares“, he whispers, and confused, you look at him. There's concern in his gaze, and if you're not mistaken, a little affection too, but you push the thought aside, not letting yourself have hope. Hope has only harmed you lately you have not moved forward a bit.

You look once more at the scratch, and then into his warm eyes. "You didn't cut yourself shaving“, you count one and one together and clench your jaws. He doesn't need to answer. You did this to him, you just don't remember. The reason you didn't wake up is Spencer. He was probably holding you, reassuring you so much that your body turned off its protective mechanism. It had certainly been the last time he did that, and you hadn't been awake to enjoy it.

"Why didn't you tell me about this?“, he asks, wanting to reach for your hand, but you take a step back. You don't want him to touch you. You'd prefer it if you weren't in this situation at all. You'd prefer that you hadn't come back at all. None of this should have ever happened.

"It's none of your business anymore, Spencer." Your tone is cool and something in his face changes.

"I thought we were friends."

You have to suppress a laugh. Two years ago, you could have lived well with being friends with him. You were prepared for it then, wished it on him, and meant it sincerely. Only lately you've been through so much that you can't even imagine it anymore. The two years had been hell, but you are sure that you can't live next to him without being able to be with him. You can't watch him and Max be happy together, and even though his happiness is everything you want, you'd rather he be happy with you. But you can't tell him that, it would be unfair and selfish. So you just look at him.

Then you reach for the small suitcase and push past him towards the exit.

-

You're glad when the case is over and you arrive back at Quantico. It's been a week since you and Spencer spoke, and luckily for you, you've continued to be spared nightmares, for which you're quite grateful. Not that Spencer is going to join you in bed one more time to calm you down.

As you walk from the airfield back to the building, you fall back a bit, watching the team joke and laugh with each other despite their fatigue. Most of all, you'd like to leave right now without saying goodbye. Rip off the band-aid, without anesthesia. Short and painless. But your plan is foiled when Emily suddenly walks up beside you and puts a hand on your arm.

"We're going for a drink." She raises an eyebrow expectantly. Apparently she's waiting for you to decline the invitation, and all too gladly you'd like to meet her expectations, but it's almost certainly the last night you'll see each other, at least for an extended period of time, and short and painless wouldn't be fair to her - your best friend.

You smile at her. "You're paying for the first round."

Her eyes widen in delight, but before she can say anything back, Luke, who has overheard your conversation, interferes. "We're going out for drinks?" A grin spreads across his face, almost reaching his ears, and suddenly the rest of the team pricks up their ears. Luke's gaze is fixed on you. "I bet I can drink you under the table by now, Y/N."

„You can’t“, Matt replies, and you see Rossi smile to himself. "Last time you did that, you almost passed out after four shots."

"JJ got the drinks. Maybe she mixed something in“, Luke tries to defend himself, but the blonde raises her hands.

"I'm not responsible for your kindergarten drinking. But I'd love to see you try to drink Y/N under the table." She smiles at you and winks, and you can't help but grin. It feels good to know that all is well between you and the team, even though they know with a high probability that you won't be staying. You'd understand if they were mad at you, but that doesn't seem to be the case. JJ looks at Spencer, who is being less than forthcoming. "You coming, Spence?"

He risks a quick glance in your direction before adjusting the bag on his shoulder. He knows this will be your last night. And that you won't see each other again after this. "I think I'll sit this one out“, he replies curtly, but JJ nudges him and he gives her a dirty look.

"You can't avoid it, Spence."

You'd rather he'd gone home.

The first drinks are on Emily, as promised, and the ones after that are on Rossi, and it's actually not long before Luke is sitting at the table with a glass of water, wishing he'd slowed down. You grin at him from the dance floor where JJ and you are swinging your hips, and he sticks his tongue out at you before putting his head in his hands and sipping water through the straw in his glass.

JJ reaches for your hand and pulls you close before wrapping her arms around your neck. "I'm going to miss you“, she almost yells so you can hear her over the loud music. You smile weakly at her. There's a glint in her eyes, probably from the alcohol, and only now do you realize how much you're really going to miss her.

"I'm going to miss you too“, you reply, risking a quick glance in Spencer's direction. He's sitting next to Luke, looking completely out of place. You look back to JJ and without further ado, she puts her hands to your cheeks and presses a kiss to your mouth. When she pulls away from you again, she just grins at you. "What was that for?"

"I want you to know that we love you. We all do. Remember that when you're lonely, and call if you need anything. You are and always will be a part of our weird family."

You wait a brief moment before pulling away from her and disappearing into the ladies' room. As soon as the door slams shut, tears stream down your cheeks and you have to hold onto the edge of the sink to keep from breaking down. You were aware of how much the others would miss you, but hearing it from JJ only makes it more real. By leaving, you're not only leaving Spencer behind, but everyone else as well, and that's so selfish of you that bile rises inside you and you almost throw up. You wish you hadn't had those last two drinks.

"Y/N?" You don't have to turn around to know it's Spencer. You recognized his voice and can see him in the mirror above the sink.He's standing behind you, unsure of what exactly to do, which is why he buries his hands in his pants pockets and looks at you silently.

You wipe the smeared mascara from under your eyes before turning and leaning against the basin. "This is the ladies' room, Spencer. You're not supposed to be in here.“

"I'm right where I'm supposed to be“, he replies, but doesn't move from the spot. He watches you brush your hair out of your forehead and wipe at your hot face to get rid of the tears. "You don't have to go. You know that, right?"

You look up from your shoes, straight into his eyes. "Yes, I do."

You want to leave the washroom, but his fingers curl around your arm, holding you back. "Y/N ..."

"I can't stay, Spencer. I can't look at you without knowing that someone other than me is waiting for you at home. I can't watch you be happy without me. It's okay, really. It's just that I don't have the strength to watch it anymore." The words just bubble out of you, and for some reason you can't stop. But it feels good to say it out loud, even though you certainly shouldn't. "I love you, Spencer. I'll always love you. But I'm at the end of my rope." You shrug in exasperation. "I have to think about me. I can only think about me." Spencer's face contorts painfully, but you can't stop. "To think that you're about to go to Max's and do God knows what ..." You shake your head, as if it might drive the thoughts from your mind. "I feel like I - I - I can't breathe. Like I'm going to die. And I just can't take it anymore."

Spencer's hand comes away from your arm at your honesty, but only to grab your hand and pull you against him. You bounce against his chest, wanting to pull away, but he holds you tight and presses you to him with his other hand. Carefully, he places his palm against your cheek and gently strokes your skin with his thumb. "Please, don't go."

You look into his eyes, which have filled with tears. "Why not?"

You can practically see him struggling with himself. He wants to say something, but can't find the right words, so he presses his lips together and lets his forehead sink against yours. All he has to do is say it, and you'd throw all your plans out the window and stick around. Just a few words. But he doesn't say them. "I can't ..."

You take a deep breath before pulling away from him, disappointed. „Goodbye“, you whisper, before leaving him alone in the washroom.

-

Spencer sits uncertainly at the kitchen table, watching the tea bag with lemon balm in the cup in front of him. He doesn't actually like lemon balm, but he needs something to calm his nerves and get the trembling of his hands under control as he sits there searching for the right words.

The last time he had felt this helpless, Emily had just left his apartment and he had been about to make some phone calls. The first call would have been to a man who would have given him a different number. The second phone call would have been to a woman who would have transferred him. And the third number belonged to someone who would have given him what he was only too happy to get.

Many years ago, he had sworn to himself that he would never resort to it again. That he wouldn't need it. He would be stronger than the desire to feel nothing more. The only thing that had stopped him was that you would never wish that for him. That you had helped him then, had stood by him. He didn't want it to be in vain.

Spencer hates feeling so helpless, even though he actually knows exactly what he has to do now. That's why he sits in the kitchen in the middle of the night, cup of calming tea in hand, not daring to look at the woman sitting across from him. But he doesn't need to say anything either. She knows why he was at her door at such a late hour. They sit in silence, neither quite knowing what to do. Neither of them has been in this situation before. Spencer is glad she's the first to speak.

"So that's it." It's more of a statement than a question. Spencer nods silently, whereupon she purses her lips. "Because of her?"

Spencer looks up from his cup and looks directly at Max. Then he shakes his head. "No, not because of her."

She raises an eyebrow. "But what? Don't you dare give me that 'it's not you, it's me' tour. I've heard that one before."

Spencer has to think for a moment, find the right words, before he answers. "I've lost her so many times. I wouldn't survive it another time."

The two have known each other long enough. Max knows he's not exaggerating or meaning it metaphorically. He has told her about his addiction, and she had been very grateful at the time that he was so honest with her, even though they hadn't known each other long. Spencer knows that all of this is not healthy and psychologically quite far from reasonable and Maxine knows what she has gotten herself into. But no one could have guessed that it would end this way.

"I'm sorry." Spencer's voice sounds hoarse and raspy. He stands up and makes his way toward the apartment door.

"I hope you make it." There's so much honesty in her voice that Spencer has to smile sadly over his shoulder.Maxine doesn't deserve this. None of you deserve this.

The walk to Emily's apartment is short, but to Spencer it feels like an eternity. The train is late, which is why he actually starts running, afraid of missing his chance. He runs until his lungs are burning and his bag is banging painfully against his ribs.The few people left on the streets look at him askance, but he doesn't care. He's panting, barely getting his breath and wishing he was a little more athletic, but as he sprints around the next corner he can already see the building where Emily's apartment is located.

For a brief moment he considers taking a break, catching his breath, but he can't wait another second. Hopefully he's not too late.

He's not surprised that he can just walk into the building, even though he doesn't have a key. He sprints up the stairs, and runs down the hallways until he's gasping for breath and standing in front of the right door, his head high. He bangs on the door with a clenched fist, hoping it will open and he won't be too late. He can't be late. He can't be late.

Finally, the door opens, and for the first time in years, he can take a real breath.

"Y/N."

- taglist closed -

@obsssedwithjustaboutanything // @ashwarren32 // @slytherinbth // @rexorangecouny // @candlemouse // @lexymoniqu // @m3sml // @username2002 // @calliecookie // @haylaansmi // @thehuntresswolf // @skyslowalking // @padsfirewhisky // @criminalminds4days // @criminallyoddsocks // @takeyourleap-of-faith // @vladsgirlxx // @justdianaz // @x2moonlight2x-blog // @countingthestarsinfinitely // @box-of-fandom-stuff // @sergeantbuckybarnes // @princesssmooshie // @sassiest-politician // @ littledm2000 // @a-broken-pact // @strawberry-tea // @sassy-hades // @danrad-rdj4ever // @takeyourleap-of-faith // @smell-my-twisted-shadows // @poeticsassandtrash // @wintrrrsoldier // @peaceluvnirvana // @jemimah-b99 // @lokislilslut // @advicefromnixxxx // @panicattheeverywherekid // @my-guilty-pleasures--of-life // @itsdars @pjmjams // @imagine-this-motherfucker // @sasbb23 // @fivedicksinatrenchcoat // @missyoumaybank // @blameitonthenight21 // @s-r-16 // @knee-coall // @hamlewis // @twodirtymindedgirls // @peoplejustcanthandlemywierdness // @imdefinitelyfloating // @crazyloca06 // @gardenroses1 // @saspencereid // @enchantedlove90 // @sizzlingclamturtlesludge // @moondustmemories // @bambi-is-my-name // @beg0neth0t420 // @william-shookespeare // @pancake2603 // @ayo-cowbelly // @herbstmelody // @frnks-stuff // @mimischaos // @lilxnvm // @archiveofadragon // @burnin-passion // @oddobsessionbutotay // @chaoticdreamsss // @ghostly-ginger // @knittingstudyblr // @gorbagreb // @biafbunny // @ayo-cowbelly // @ellyseveronica // @saspencereid // @takethee // @ethereal-stark // @shirayuki1204 // @spencerreidspp // @jesuswasnotawhiteman // @stinkykay // @exzidss // @ifuckinghatepinapples // @youhaveabadconnection // @kaseyjohnson04 // @vampiracontessa // @princesssmooshie // @gardenroses1 // @r0s3mm // @willyoulovemeinthemorning // @rrtxcmt // @softpeteparker // @littleiswhattheycallme // @hoeyadoingbitch // @emmariexx // @oops-all-ajs / @reidemandweep // @oliwisstephhh // @g0lden-cth // @measure-in-pain // @amesandpineapples // @spencerreidat3am //

[hermannsthumb]

So I know you don't really write PRU things but how about PRU averting? Like when Newt starts to realize something is wrong he goes to Hermann for help?

this isn’t exactly what you wanted (at all) but the concept for this fic has been making me laugh all week. sometimes a bitch just wants to write a slightly unhinged jealous ex hermann unknowingly seducing aliens out of newt

safe for work except for some makeouts and implied past banging, but hermann tries very hard for it to not be. also ive definitely written similar plots before but who cares

—————

They send a ranger-in-training to break the news to Hermann. He’s not sure what they expected him to do, really, or how a teenager in oversized khakis might have prevented it in the first place. Rage? Cry? Break things? His relationship with Newton Geiszler has been highly publicized at this point, he supposes, down to every last gory detail; their scientific rivalry, their heated laboratory debates, their–er–rather dramatic love affair, which ended on a deeply sour note when Newton packed his bags and left Hermann for better funding and a swanky flat with more windows than walls seven years ago. As far as gossip is concerned, that is.

“Tomorrow?” Hermann says.

The ranger nods and says nothing. She’s awfully young–too young, Hermann thinks. And awfully afraid of him. Right, of course: he’s crotchety, daft old Dr. Gottlieb, notorious for his short temper and avoidance of socialization at all costs. He furrows his brow an appropriate amount and nods, as if to appear deeply consternated, or perhaps lost in brooding abstraction. “I see,” he says. “Hm. That wretched Dr. Geiszler, here, after so many years. The nerve of him. Thank you.”

The girl doesn’t move.

“Ah,” Hermann says. “Dismissed, I mean.”

Between the bare bones staff and Hermann’s incredibly low rank back in Hong Kong, he still hasn’t quite gotten used to the notion that he has things like interns and underlings again, let alone people who–when sent to deliver him a message, or paperwork, or lab equipment he submitted forms for–need to be explicitly dismissed to leave his presence. Newton would love it. Or, at the very least, he’d love teasing Hermann for it. (Control freak, that was what he’d call Hermann.) 

Back in the safety and solitude of his private laboratory, Hermann brews a fresh pot of tea and mulls the news over. It’ll hardly be the first time Newton’s set foot at the Moyulan Shatterdome. It’ll hardly be the first time Hermann will have seen Newton since the Events of seven years ago, either. It will, however, be the first occasion on which the two collide: Newton always seems to schedule his routine Moyulan visits when Hermann is tucked safely away in some conference or council in some other bloody country, leaving their paths to cross at the most inane social events, banquets and fundraisers and black tie occasions that leave Hermann stifling under his collar and his leg aching from the strain of standing for so long. 

Their words to each other in such situations have always been terse, brief, polite. Newton, after all, is a very important (and very rich) man these days, and he has plenty of elbows to bump and high society buggers to flatter without Hermann getting in his way. It’s pleasantries, is all. Lovely to see you, Dr. Geiszler. How’s work, Dr. Geiszler? The champagne is excellent, isn’t it, Dr. Geiszler? By Jove, it’s maddening. Just once Hermann would like to shout and snap at him like the good old days, to grab hold of that stupid bloody tie and shove him against a wall and kiss him, or bite him, or do anything that isn’t smile and pretend to care when he mentions that–that Alice floozy he’s shacking up with. And now, with Newton finally giving Hermann a window to meet in his own territory…

Hermann keeps a small volume of Newton’s early research on his desk–compiled long before he even knew the man–and he takes it out now, slipping a well-worn polaroid out from between its pages and propping it against his tea mug. Newton smiles out at him. “Horrible little man,” Hermann says, lovingly, and gently brushes his index finger against that handsome face.

He feigns a stomach bug to clock out of work early–fooling no one, of course, but his staff chalks it up sympathetically to the prospect of seeing his notorious ex tomorrow and says nothing–and makes a mad dash into town for a haircut and manicure. After some consideration, he pops into a clothing store for a new button-down, too. A nice one. One that fits him well. (You have a hot bod, dude, Newton would always say, you should be flaunting it. 

No, no raging, or crying, or breaking things. It’s been seven years since Newton walked out on Hermann for a cushy job and designer suits, and Hermann has exactly one course of action in mind: winning him back.

——

Newton is not exactly as Hermann remembered. The changes in him are noticeable, and–for the most part, barring the loss of his glasses and personal sense of style–Hermann feels entirely neutral about them: hair more neatly tamed, stubble more neatly shaved, body ever-so-slightly more toned. Hermann seems to recall Newton saying something about CrossFit or some sort of damned exercise bike he bought at the last banquet they attended–lost ten pounds this past month! New Year’s Resolution, you know, ha, gotta stay in shape for Alice (and this was the point at which Hermann clenched his champagne flute so tightly it burst, and he excused himself to find a napkin with which to tend to his bleeding and a tall glass of whiskey from the open bar with which to tend to his agonies). Whatever it is, it seems to be working.

He manages to lure Newton out from under the thumb of his boss with vague claims of research, though Newton is not happy about it. “I got shit to do, man,” he complains. His eyes are inscrutable behind his expensive sunglasses. “It’s just not a good time. Busy, busy, busy, you know.”

They’ll have the laboratory to themselves, even more so than usual. I’ll need to have a few private words with Dr. Geiszler, Hermann had ominously announced to his staff that morning, and they’d all looked at each other in excitement. An infamous Geiszler-Gottlieb row! Hermann locks the door behind them.

“You poor dear,” Hermann says. “Running yourself ragged. You must be exhausted.”

Newton shrugs. “I am a little. I guess.” He shrugs again, and this time preens a little with it. Good: Hermann wants him nice and flattered. “It’s hard work being as important as I am, you know.”

“I imagine,” Hermann coos sympathetically. He brushes his hand across Newton’s shoulders, then nudges him at the small of his back towards his desk. “Please, Newt, I insist you have a seat. Would you like some coffee?”

“I mean, if you’re offering,” Newton says, waving him off.

The instant coffee is located on the middle shelf of Hermann’s bookcase, between a dusty variety box of Twinings and an elaborate kaiju action figure Newton left in their apartment when he walked out. Hermann spoons some into a chipped blue mug and watches Newton through the man’s reflection on the kettle. He leans back in Hermann’s desk chair; he rolls his shoulders; he pops open a button on his maroon suit coat; he spies something propped up on Hermann’s desk, and picks it up. The polaroid. Hermann ducks his head to hide his smile.

“Good times, huh, dude?” Newton says. He waves it in the air.

“Mm,” Hermann says. 

He hands the mug of coffee over to Newton, who’s yet to put down the polaroid. Milk and plenty of sugar. Exactly the way Newton always used to take it. “There we are, dear,” he says. “Are you hungry? Might I get you anything to eat? I’ve plenty of biscuits, and, er...” He casts a guilty glance around the mess of his workspace. “...Oranges.”

“No thanks,” Newton says, but it’s vague, unconvincing. His eyes are locked on the photograph. “Good times,” he repeats. 

“Nothing to eat at all?” Hermann says.

Newton shakes himself. “Nah,” he says, and pats his stomach. “On a diet. You know, for Alice.”

Ah, of course; Alice. The mystery woman Hermann despises the very existence of. For years after Newton first broke the news to Hermann he was seeing someone new, Hermann used to pour over magazine articles and gossip sites for even a glimpse of what she might look like (and for the chance to do something cathartic, like crop her angrily from a photograph with Newton or scribble over her face with a Sharpie). Probably horrendously ugly; possibly blonde; undoubtedly lacking taste, and humor, and any other sorts of qualities a mate worthy of Newton ought to possess. At the very least, Hermann knows she isn’t at all supportive of Newton in the way she should be. Every banquet and fundraiser, she’s too busy to come, every dinner invitation Hermann finally accepts so he may properly hate the woman, she must cancel at the very last minute due to some strange illness or another. 

Privately, Hermann thinks she feels threatened by him. As she should be. He and Newton have been in each other’s heads, after all, wrote letters in their youth, shared a laboratory for years, shared a bed for longer than that. It’s a simple fact one will ever know Newton like Hermann knows him.

“Of course,” Hermann says, with icy kindness. “For Alice. How is she these days? I was ever so put out when she caught–what was it–influenza, yes, that night we were meant to dine together. And the time before that, with pneumonia. And laryngitis before that. Terrific bloody coincidences, aren’t they.”

(Sorry, dude, Newton said over the phone, not sounding very sorry, but rather quite distracted. She was probably in the room, egging on his lies. She's sick. Can’t see you after all. Rain check?)

“Yeah,” Newton says. He’s started to shake his leg up and down, a nervous tic Hermann is all too aware of, seeing as he’s picked it up himself after their drift. Along with an annoying tendency to hoard sentimental rubbish. “Coincidences. If I’m being honest, Hermann–I’m not too keen on you two–well.” A strange look crosses his face, replaced in a blink of an eye with a toothy smile. “Old flame and the new flame, it’d be awkward for everyone, y’know?”

“Especially for her, I’d imagine,” Hermann says, and then he swings himself down into Newton’s lap.

Newton goes very still; the photograph slips from his fingers and flutters to the floor. “Hermann?” he squeaks.

Dropping his cane, Hermann nuzzles his face into the crook of Newton’s neck and breathes deeply; the Newton of his memories smells of burnt coffee and the sharp tang of preservation chemicals, but the Newton of now smells more of expensive cologne than anything else. Hermann can’t say he likes it much, but he presses a small kiss there anyway, marveling at the lack of the scratchy stubble he remembers so well. “What–what are you doing?” Newton says.

Another kiss. Hermann slips a hand up to caress Newton’s jaw, and Newton shivers. “I should think it’s obvious,” Hermann says. “Mm. Come on, now, love, I know I can’t be the only one of us who’s been aching for this.”

“It’s,” Newton stammers, “I,” and his sturdy fingers grip Hermann’s waist, though he makes no move to shove him away. In fact, he only draws him closer. Marvelous. “I’ve got–someone, dude,” he says, gazing at Hermann between heavy eyelids. “Alice. I have–”

Hermann kisses him, pouring into it every ounce of longing he’s felt for the last seven years, and Newton melts against him with a moan. “But does she make you feel the way I do?” Hermann murmurs. 

“Uh,” Newton says.

He swipes his tongue into Newton’s mouth, enjoying the sharp jolt that shoots through Newton when he brushes against his own tongue, and pulls back with a small bite at his bottom lip. Newton always liked when Hermann kissed him messily. “Do feel free to touch me,” he says.

Newton does: one hand leaves Hermann’s waist and inches up his side instead, pausing to shove one half of his lab coat off, then the other. The coat slips to the floor as well. Newton splays five fingers over Hermann’s right pectoral. “Nice shirt,” he says, sounding rather dazed. “Good color on you.”

“I’d hoped you like it,” Hermann says happily. “Remember what you always used to say, about flaunting it? I thought it was time I’d take your advice.”

“I do,” Newton says. “I do remember. Ha.” His face splits into a grin, one of the first truly Newton-esque ones Hermann’s seen on him in years, and Hermann feels a small flare of triumph. He catches the hand at his chest and draws it to his mouth, brushing a kiss over the knuckles. Newton’s tattoos, vibrant as ever, poke out from beneath one maroon sleeve.

Hermann remembers kissing those tattoos. He remembers tracing the shape of red-yellow waves with his fingertips, of pinching the eyes of the great kaiju splashed across his chest, of teasing Newton for his rather unadorned arse and how pale it was in comparison to the rest of him. You’re one to talk, buddy, Newton would say, and he’d deliver a playful smack to Hermann’s, all skin and bones, dude, I think I bruised my hand. He used to like to keep his glasses on in bed so he could see Hermann. Make sure it’s actually happening, he’d say. His sunglasses are folded uselessly on Hermann’s desk. “I could make you so loud,” Hermann says. “We’d get noise complaints. Remember?”

Newton nods, eyes fixed on the knuckles Hermann kissed.

“I knew exactly where to touch you,” Hermann says, dropping his voice, “and how to touch you. I still do, Newton.” Newton dissolves into whimpers when his neck is kissed, a certain spot by his left thigh pressed on with a thumb; when being made love to, he likes his sides stroked, fingers pressed against his tongue; when doing the love making, he likes his hair pulled, nails raked across his back.

“Please,” Newton says, his voice cracking. “Can you–?”

Hermann shoves that ugly maroon jacket to the floor, then winds that ugly tie around his fingers and gives Newton a sharp tug. Newton moans, twice as loud as before. “Yes, darling, of course.”

They kiss, Hermann making quick work of the buttons of Newton’s shirt, Newton seemingly too shy to do anything beyond grip Hermann’s shoulders. A pink blush is spreading from the tips of his cheeks down to his neck. It’s very sweet. “Hermann,” he says.

“Mm?”

Newton wets his lips. “You like when I do this,” he says, and gives Hermann’s ear a little tug.

(They’re so big, Newton would say, it’s adorable, you’re adorable, and Hermann would swat him away, but then Newton would kiss the shell of his ear, bite his earlobe, and Hermann would gasp, and sensitive! Newton would say, adorable, absolutely adorable.)

“They’re sensitive,” Newton says. “You like when I kiss them.” He grins again, though it slips away after a moment. “I think they’ll be looking for me soon.”

“You are so terribly important, after all,” Hermann says. “It’s a very good thing I’ve locked the door. I haven’t finished having my wicked way with you yet.”

This time, Newton laughs, though it’s an uncertain little thing. “Listen,” he says, strangely urgent, and he squeezes Hermann’s arm. “Don’t let me leave, okay?” Then he shakes his head. “Actually, no. Take me home with you. Away from–from work. And Alice. Yeah. Let’s go now.”

This is unexpected, though Hermann cannot deny it’s not exactly what he hoped would happen when his foolproof plan of seduction worked. He’s suddenly very pleased he made a few more stops after picking up his new shirt: first for a very expensive bottle of wine and the makings of a dinner the Newton of ten years ago loved, the next a rather discreet one for the sort of supplies they’d need to, er, take this one step further. “Oh, yes,” Hermann says. “Oh, darling, absolutely. Er–now now?”

“Now,” Newton says. He plants a series of discoordinated, rapid-fire kisses across Hermann’s mouth and chin. “Now,” he repeats. “Keep talking to me.”

“About what?” Hermann says, frowning.

“Anything,” Newton says. “And touch me. Keep touching me. Hermann–when we get there, I have to tell you–”

“Alright, Newton, alright,” Hermann says. He did forget how needy Newton could get. He’s also missed it. He strokes back some of Newton’s neat hair, gropes around for his cane, and eases himself to his feet with a small groan. (He’s not quite as young or agile as he used to be.) Newton immediately springs to his own feet and latches onto Hermann’s arm. He's not merely needy tonight--a bit on edge, too, it seems. “Off we are, then. Be a dear and get my coat for me.”

[skzsoft]

raising our voices

stray kids 9th member au,, m.list

conflict between two members has been going on ever since kirei joined the boys. three weeks go by and kirei decides she has had enough of it, but perhaps getting involved wasn’t the best decision.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

every family fights. i knew that, however i didn't expect it to happen so soon in stray kids. when i first met the rest of the boys, they all seemed to get along perfectly. they all seemed incredibly close during that first practice we had together. but it had been nearly three weeks since then and i had quickly caught on to the conflict happening between jisung and hyunjin. i also discovered, from jisung, that there was no specific reason for their feud; they apparently just didn't get along.

when i first noticed the snappy comments between them, all i wanted to do was get them to stop. i felt this urge to try and resolve their conflict, but seungmin discouraged me from doing so, saying that it was probably best that i didn't get involved. i understood at first, whatever their issue was it wasn't any of my business. however, as these three weeks went by i had to admit that the whole feud was starting to become more and more of my business, and everyone else's too.

the constant nagging between the two was tiring and always brought the mood down whenever the group was practicing, we could never catch a break. even if it was their issue, it was affecting the whole group. i can always see it on the members' faces, the look of irritation or fatigue. so it became evident to me pretty quickly that their business was also my business, it was the whole group's business.

not all of us happened to live together just yet, so far there was only a few members living in a dorm together. the company had told us that they would let us all move in once we started shooting the reality show, so for now i was living alone in my parents house.

my parents are currently living in my hometown, gold coast, back in australia. but they own a house here in seoul, which i've been living in by myself for the last few months. this meant i could escape the arguing when i was home, but this still has never stopped the constant urge to intervene anytime hyunjin and jisung fight.

today happened to be a bad day, i arrived to practice late because my bus from school got delayed. i also left my umbrella at home this morning, not aware that it was meant to rain, and got soaked on my way back from school. and the cherry on top was that i forgot to put a change of clothes in my locker at jyp, meaning i had arrived in a drenched school uniform with nothing to change into. minho has very kindly let me borrow his spare clothes, which consisted of merely grey sweatpants and a black tshirt.

i was not in a good mood to say the least, and i was certainly not in the mood to hear any arguing between hyunjin and jisung.

the practice started off normally, with a quick warm up and some stretches like we usually did. we also started learning some choreography for warrior's descendant, the song that we'd perform at the upcoming showcase. it was just about one month away so we has time to practice and perfect the dance.

there was one particular move that jisung seemed to have trouble getting the hang of, which didn't really matter for now as we had a lot of time to practice before the showcase. hyunjin, however wasn't letting him off the hook.

"jesus jisung you can't even do this simple move, how the hell are we going to able to debut if you keep making small mistakes?" hyunjin remarked, frustrating jisung who didn't hesitate to snap back.

"at least i can rap and sing properly, shame you're only good at dancing"

usually i was patient with the two of them, but my mood today definitely did not have the patience to tolerate their pointless arguing. usually i'd try to think before i say anything or try not to raise my voice, however i wasn't in the right head space to do this today.

"oh my god can the both of you stop arguing for once? it's tiring and it's bothering everyone here,  grow up guys." i snapped mindlessly, not realizing an argument would break out afterwards.

"yah, it's none of your business. so stop trying to get involved in something that doesn't regard you. if it bothers you so much you can go back to the female trainees." he spat, looking directly into my eyes with a vicious stare. it was probably the first time i had ever made actual eye contact with him too. i was to angry to even care about what he had said about me, all i wanted was the feud to stop.

"hey hyunjin don't say things like that" minho butted in. hyunjin didn't pay much attention to him however.

"look leave kirei alone she hasn't done anything, all she wants is peace, but your too much of an ass to make any effort at all" jisung said, defending me. i appreciated his defence, but i also wanted to speak for myself.

"you're making it everyone's business by constantly starting shit!" at this point i was just mad, mad that he wasn't listening, mad that he was being selfish and disregarding how everyone was feeling.

over the last three weeks, i hadn't had any trouble getting to know the others guys. i was able to get really close to them, even changbin who had been awkward for the first week — turns out he was just overwhelmed by my addition do stray kids, but also constantly reassured me that he did want me in the group. the only person that i had made no progress with whatsoever was hyunjin. even when i tried starting up conversations during or after practice, he'd always give me short responses and just walk away. there was simply just zero effort being made, and it was becoming extremely frustrating honestly. this probably added to the reason i was getting riled up.

"okay guys! cut it out! seriously!" it was bang chan's loud voice resonating through the whole practice room that made the three of us silent. we all stared at him, not knowing what to say at all.

"i'm honestly really disappointed in how unprofessional the three of you are being right now. kirei, you're right, the bickering is incredibly tiring for the team, but raising our voices like this only makes it worse. i'm expecting more from you three in the future. so please, just cool off for the rest of the practice and figure this out peacefully in your own time." bang chan finished, clearly not impressed in how the three of us had acted today.

in a way, i was frustrated that my efforts were being discredited. but i ultimately understood chan, he was only doing his job as leader. perhaps i had acted irrationally, we all would have been better off talking about everything privately.

the rest of the practice went by without any more snarky comments. i think the two boys got the message, loud and clear. when practice finally came to an end, i noticed chan giving the three of us a look, a look that seemed to be encouraging the three of us to talk. so, i said goodbye to the other guys as they packed up their stuff and left; i once again thanked minho for the clothes.

soon the practice room was left with only myself, jisung and hyunjin. not wanting to waste anytime, i immediately began to question hyunjin.

"look hyunjin, i have absolutely no problems with you. i want to be friends, so if i did anything to you can you please talk this out with me? for the sake of the team." i questioned, he seemed to have let his guard down quite a bit. he sat down cross legged on the floor, jisung and i quickly followed.

"i'm sorry i've been such an asshole to you for the last three weeks, you really don't deserve it i'm just an idiot." he said running his hands through his hair, visibly annoyed at himself. he looked up at me, and i gave him a look encouraging him to continue.

"i guess, when i first met you during that monthly evaluation i had been crushing on you for a few weeks and i was just shy and awkward. i got over it pretty quickly but when chan mentioned you were joining us, i don't know, i just felt weird. and when you finally came, i just felt even more awkward because i didn't know how to react this whole 9 boys - 1 girl concept. either way, it's no excuse to the way i've treated you, especially today. so i just want to say sorry, i really am." what chan had said seemed to have really made hyunjin think, because he had poured his entire heart out in a matter of minutes.

i felt grateful that he had finally let his guard down and told me what was going on. i had to admit i didn't expect him to have crushed on me, but it was in the past, nearly two years ago, it didn't matter anymore. on the other hand, i could sense how jisung  felt in that moment, probably not expecting hyunjin to open up like had.

"i understand hyunjin, and thank you for saying all of that. i accept your apology. i just hope that we can be on good terms and get close now" i stated, to which hyunjin nodded and gave me a warm smile. in three weeks he had never smiled at me like that, it made me happy.

"well, i guess i'm done here then" i said, getting up from the floor and grabbing my things. i looked at jisung, who's was begging with his eyes for me not to go. but i knew that it was better if i left them, it was their issue not mine and they needed to figure this out for themselves.

"please try to talk things out, i don't care if you guys aren't best buddies afterwards. just at least try to resolve it or agree to be professional. i'll see you tomorrow boys." i finished before walking out of the practice room. i felt satisfied with how the day had wrapped up, sure it had it's ups and downs but i learned a lot.

we were a family, and no family is perfect. we argue, we fight. but in the end family is family, the love will always be there.

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

word count :: 1.7k words.

stream go live. thank you for listening to my TED talk.

[shi-daisy]

New Beginnings

Hello again my fellow shippers! Today's day three of Ulquihime week and I'm not gonna lie, this theme was giving me a bit of trouble, since I had an idea for it but used it last year with another prompt. So instead I just made a sort of sequel to that particular entry. If you don't want to go back and read that one I'll just give you a mini summary here.

Basically this is a canon divergent AU in which Orihime dosen't marry Ichigo and runs away from the wedding when she finds out he's not truly in love with her. After her escape she reunited with Ulquiorra and he helped calm her down. That's where the first prompt ended. So here's what would happen after. Hope you all like!

@ulquihimeweek

Ulquihime Week- Day 3- Reunion/Caught

New Beginnings

"Ulquiorra, you've been glued to that phone for almost three hours now. Please stop before you go blind." Halibel chided him.

"Leave him be Hali, he's still waiting for pet-sama to reply," Nnoitra told her. The comment earned him a cushion to the face, courtesy of Zommari.

"All of you be quiet! I am not waiting for a reply. Orihime answered already."

"Would ya look at that, Ulquiorra's finally getting some!"

Once he silenced Nnoitra with cushions Ulquiorra went back to the chat. It had been almost a month since he last saw Orihime.

After she ran away from her wedding and they met by chance, he had allowed her to spend the night in his house. The next day one of her friends came to pick her up, and the redhead promised to keep in touch with him. He hadn't seen her personally since, but they messaged each other very often. Last week however, the messages had abruptly stoped, and he'd gotten worried.

Today those worries ended, as Orihime not only wrote to him but she asked to meet him in a cafe tomorrow.

"She says she's got a surprise. Should that be concerning?"

Halibel was standing nearby. She chuckled at the question. "Not really. I'm sure she's just happy to finally see you. From what you tell me, the girl needed comfort desperately."

"I'm still enraged at Kurosaki for what he did. A part of me wants to get revenge."

"That's not gonna be possible. Unless you want to get smashed against the wall again." His friend replied sarcastically.

"A small price to pay, but the woman told me not to get in 'trouble' for her sake. So I won't interfere unless she asks."

"Good. It's nice to know someone in this house isn't a reckless moron." The green-eyed blonde glared at Nnoitra, who rolled his eyes.

"I only tried to fight a cop one time!"

Ulquiorra decided to ignore the bickering and concentrate on hid phone. Being a human might've gotten easier, but not dealing with his old comrades.

***

"Now remember, be nice, let her speak but don't stay too quiet, and for the love of all that's good just ask her out properly."

Halibel and Szayel had been helping him get ready for the meeting. Ulquiorra was still nervous, but he hoped for the best.

"You two are going to ruin his chances of scoring. He looks like he came out of a band Tesla likes."

"Says the man who looks like the lovechild of a sewer goblin and Slenderman." Szayel didn't even turn to look at Nnoitra as he finished brushing Ulquiorra's hair'. "Done! Now the princess won't take her eyes off of you."

"Thank you Szayel, thank you Halibel."

"At your service!"

"I'll get going then, I want to be early for our meeting."

"Just make sure that if you bring the cutie home, you put a sock in the door."

Ulquiorra ignored Nnoitra's comment. Letting Szayel deal with him.

"I'm beginning to understand why I am the only one with a boyfriend here," Szayel commented. "You need an intervention, Jirga."

"Me? You're the one dating Starrk!"

As the bickering began Ulquiorra headed for the door and waved goodbye to Halibel.

The cafe was near his house, and from what he could see it was not too busy. Orihime's hadn't arrived yet. He picked a table and was ready to sit down, until he noticed someone skating right towards him.

"Watch out!"

He recognized Orihime's voice, and caught her before she could crash into him.

"Orihime?"

"Hi Ulquiorra! It's been a while. You look great!"

When she smiled Ulquiorra went speechless. He recovered quickly, and let her sit with him.

"I take it you work here?"

"Yes. My friend Riruka is the manager and I've been working here for a week now. That's why it took me a bit to reply, sorry if you were worried."

"Don't apologize. I'm glad you've found a job you like. The uniform suits you as well."

"Really? I didn't think black was my color."

"To be fair, you look good in any clothes."

Orihime blushed from the compliment. "Thank you. So, what have you been up to? Are the others still around?"

He sighed. "Regrettably so, Cyan and Tesla moved out a while ago, and if Starrk proposes to Szayel soon then it's likely they'll move out as well."

Orihime giggled. "I know they drive you mad sometimes but I'd love to live in house that lively."

"Tell me that after you spent a week with Nnoitra as a roommate. Speaking of which, are you still rooming with Arisawa-san?"

"Not exactly, Tatsuki-chan is traveling due to competitions, but she did leave me the apartment. Once I get a place of my own I'll move out, being on Karakura it's a little draining."

He knew what she referred to, it was clear in her voice. Ulquiorra found it hard to hide his rage, still, he managed to calm down.

"You know that if you cannot stand to stay in Karakura any longer, you're more than welcome to stay with me."

"I know, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. But when I finally settle in Naruki, I want it to be on my own. I can't keep depending on others forever. Besides, you dealt with enough of my crying, that night, already."

Yes, that fateful night when they met again. It was supposed to be her wedding that to the man she loved, and instead, all she could do was cry.

And yet, a part of him was happy things turned out the way they did. That he got to see her again, and even establish a friendship. 'But at what cost? This isn't what she wanted and you know it.'

"Ulquiorra? Are you ok?"

Orihime must've noticed his change in mood, so he hid it away yet again. "I'm fine."

"You're thinking about the day we met again, aren't you?"

"My apologies. You probably don't even want to think about that night but I can't seem to let it go.

It's selfish of me to be happy about this when you lost the man you loved."

Orihime put her hand over his. "Ulquiorra, you're not the only one who's happy things turned out this way.

I did love Ichigo, and I was fully ready to marry him, I gave up college and internships to stay in Karakura with him, but he burned that away in just a moment. I refuse to be the one grieving.

He's the one who lost out on a devoted loving wife. Let him carry the grief if he has any at all.

I'm immensely happy to have gotten out when I did. My life's not going to be wasted on a loveless marriage, and I'm happy that you're a part of my new life. So don't be angry on my behalf."

Ulquiorra smiled. "I've always known you were a strong woman, but this is far more than I expected. You've grown a lot Orihime. You should be proud."

"Thank you. It’s nice to know that someone thinks of me as such.” Orihime smiled. “Now, let’s go onto more cheerful matters. I got you a gift! Here!"

She handed him a small dark blue box, Ulquiorra opened it to find a replica of the bracelet he had given her when they were enemies, only this bracelet was made to fit him.

"Do you like it? It's not real silver but it matches the one I have. So we can both wear them at the same time."

In the past six years he'd been a human Ulquiorra never felt moved to cry, until now. "I shall treasure it forever. Thank you." He immediately put it on, the bracelet was a perfect fit. "Now, I'll be the one to spoil you for a while."

***

The evening only had so many hours, but he intended to make good use of them all. After having a nice dinner at the cafe, he took Orihime to the movies. It was about a SciFi story he had yet to read, but seeing how happy Orihime was while watching he knew he made the right choice. After that he let her pick the activity.

"We could go skating. Would you like that?"

"I have no problems with that, but aren't you tired of skating at work?"

"Not really, I love doing it. Besides it's different when you skate carrying food and when you do it with a partner."

"Alright then, let's go to the skate park."

Relief washed over him when the park was almost empty. Truth to be told Ulquiorra wasn't proficient at any sport, including skating.

While Orihime was busy putting on her skates, he went over to nearby post and got a bouquet of hibiscus flowers.

When he got back she was done with her skates and had tied her orange hair into pigtails. He thought she looked even cuter.

"Here. I thought it would be fair to get you a gift as well." Ulquiorra handed her the bouquet.

Orihime was almost gentle when holding the flowers. She took a deep breath, enjoying the secent. "They're gorgeous, thank you. How did you know this was my favorite flower?"

"They're the flower on your headpins."

"True. I like that you always notice things like that. It's one of your best traits."

That made him flustered. It didn't matter how much time they spent together he would never get used to Orihime's cute compliments.

Once the the two were ready they headed for the track and began skating. His balance wasn't the best but thankfully he didn't slip.

"Ulquiorra."

"Yes?"

"Thanks for tonight. It's been the most fun I've had in a while."

She gave him a kiss on the cheek, that almost made him fall. Orihime held on tightly to him.

"Caught ya!" she chuckled. "You don't skate much, do you?"

"Busted. I rarely do anything sporty. Although that's likely to change."

"Really?"

"Yes. If I am going to be spending time with you, I'll learn in no time."

"Are you asking me out?"

"I am. Would you accept this invitation?"

"Yes, absolutely."

[lady-snavely]

Sands of Time: Part Two

Year in Review

Pairing: Kuroo Tetsuro x Fem!OC

Warnings: mentions of death, swearing, mutual pining, all the fluff

A/N: reblogs are super appreciated

Time ticked by at an agonizing pace for Jade after that. The world changed, in some ways for the better, in others for the worse. She traveled because she had to. Faerie rule dictated she had to. She kept her heritage a secret because she had to.

After they became civil again, Nyra tried setting Jade up with a number of different Fae men. Jade, though she didn't have an interest in seeing anyone, humored her sister and at the very least would meet the men Nyra raved about. But her heart still yearned for Tetsuro.

Jade's latest story was that she was a part time college student, working full time at the local library. She still loved reading even after all this time. She'd only been working for a handful of weeks before the first term started. Online courses allowed her to easily complete classes for a degree she didn't need. It was more to pass time anyway. Jade insisted on taking the closing shifts, they weren't exactly the greatest shifts as they were typically slower, but she didn't mind.

The start of term brought on an increase in activity. Students of all walks came in to study, both on their own and in groups. It was on one slower day, in the middle of the week that a rather large group had come in, ten in total. They were all first years, not that it bothered Jade any, she was considered a first year in the eyes of the university as well.

They were a curious bunch with a number of subgroups making up the larger group. It was obvious rather quickly that some of the members had known each other for a long time, while others had only recently been acquainted. Regardless of the differing dynamics they all got along well and, outside of general questions, stayed out of Jade's hair.

They quickly became regulars over the term. They met three times a week, sometimes it was just two or three of them, but usually there were at least five of them who came. It was rare that all ten showed up on the same night.

By the time midterms rolled around she'd learned all of their names and how they knew each other. She caught on to some of their quirks as well. Like how Oikawa Tohru would whine to his boyfriend until he got his way which sounds annoying, and usually was, but Iwaizumi Hajime adored his boyfriend to no end even if he could be a bit harsh at times. Sawamura Daichi could be scary when he got mad but those moods were few and far between.

Kozume Kenma, a quiet boy who often had his phone or some handheld video game in his hand, had warned Jade to not mention Yaku Morisuke's height. Not that she would've without the warning seeing as he was just as tall as her when she was in Fae form.

Then there was Bokuto Kotaro, possibly one of the most energetic Humans Jade had ever come across. It wasn't uncommon for Jade to hear his voice bursting with energy when he came into the library. Akaashi Keiji had a preternatural ability to calm him however and after a couple of weeks Jade quit rushing towards the noise entirely.

The quietest of the bunch was Shimizu Kiyoko, she was also the only female in the group. She and Sugawara Koshi were exceedingly observant for Humans. Lastly, there was Kuroo Tetsuro. He didn't boast about it, but he was incredibly smart and had a knack for reading people.

Jade didn't care how it came to be that they had all come together. All she knew was that somehow, she and Kuroo were brought together again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was between her first and second term that Jade had to go home to her people. Her father was finally receiving a place on the Faery Council. It was something he'd been striving for for some time now. She stood with her siblings and mother, proud in the navy blue and sea foam green that were her family's colors. Around her were the families of other Council members, painting the floor in a splattering of colors.

The ceremony itself was routine and quick, Jade's father was given his pendant, he swore to uphold the rules of the Fae and drank from the ceremonial chalice with his fellow Council members.

Afterwards there was a banquet as well as music and dancing. Jade had humored her brother, the only son and youngest of the four siblings, and danced with him for a while before finally returning to her chair with a sheen of sweat on her brow and her heart racing in her chest. The table was vacant, not that it bothered her any, as she settled into her seat.

As much as the Human world intrigued Jade even after all of this time, it was freeing being home and surrounded by her own people again. Here where she didn't have to maintain her Humanoid form; here where she could be her true self. Even still her mind wandered to the Human boy who was probably hard at work on his summer assignments, if they weren't already completed that is.

With her mind elsewhere Jade didn't initially see her sister when she sat beside her until she cleared her throat. "Fawna, I apologize." Jade shook her head quickly to hide her embarrassment. Normally she would've seen her sister coming.

"Not necessary," Fawna grinned. "It must have been nice, whatever it was you were thinking of. You had a pleasant looking smile on your face. What were you thinking about? Or should I say: who?"

Jade gave Fawna a soft smile that was filled with guilt. "You caught me."

Fawna returned Jade's smile with one of her own. She was about a century older than Jade and did her best to understand the fixation with the Human boy. Fawna had been there to console Jade when Nyra had berated her for choosing to marry outside of their people so many years ago. "He's come into your life again, hasn't he?" The blush that colored Jade's cheeks was enough of an answer though Jade herself said nothing. Fawna held her hands out, palms up, and nodded her understanding. "What's he like this time?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jade's brother kept her company during her week-long stay. He did his best to keep her busy enough that she didn't have time to let her thoughts wonder but that didn't stop it from happening now and again. Sitting up late with her one night he was finally pulling together enough courage to say something when she spoke first.

"You probably think I'm weird too, don't you, Lark?" She asked as she turned her glass in her hands absentmindedly. "For having feelings for someone who is only here for what amounts to seconds of a Fae's life."

"Mother says you've always been intrigued by Humans." Lark shrugged after a moment. "I can't pretend to know what it is that draws you to them or what it is that keeps bringing the two of you together. Whatever it is, I know it's real, what you feel for him. I see it in the way your eyes shine when you talk about him; the way you always blush at the mention of him. You seem whole when he's around you again. But, no, I don't think you're weird, Jade."

Jade smiled across the table at her brother but said nothing. She stared at the glass in her hand, thinking. She and Lark, as the two youngest siblings, had always been the other's confidant. They told each other everything, so when she decided to integrate herself further into the Human's ways of living it had hurt both of them. She wasn't able to get away as often as she'd like since she had to keep up the life she created for herself. Lark had only visited her once since she started working at the library in the city and this was the first time she'd been home in years.

"You should come back with me," she said suddenly.

Lark gave her a dumbfounded look. "Excuse me?"

"I want you to see the city, Lark," Jade sighed, a content smile lighting her features. "Humans outdo themselves and they don't even realize it. Please, even if it's just a day or two."

He pondered the idea for a few silent moments. He had gotten lost twice the one time he'd visited her before, having gotten off at the wrong bus stop when he was looking for her apartment and then taking the wrong bus entirely when he was leaving. Despite those instances he'd enjoyed what he'd seen of the city even if it was just in panicked passing. Lark finally nodded. "After things settle down here," he decided.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kuroo Tetsuro was a wanderer when he needed a break from his studies. Jade would often see him looping the aisles of books, stopping on occasion to look at something that had caught his attention before he continued. She did her best to stay out of his way when he was doing this but there were times when the restocking had other plans and she would have to weasel past him with her cart.

He wouldn't admit it to anyone, though it wouldn't surprise him if Kenma or even Sugawara were already aware, but sometimes he ventured into an aisle for no reason other than that Jade was already in it. More than once he'd heard her humming a tune he recalled his mother used to sing him when he was younger.

The first time he'd heard it, the familiarity of it alone had drawn him into the aisle. Jade had smiled politely when she spotted him coming towards her. "Looking for something?" She wondered.

"Just taking a break, Miss Meadows," he replied with a shake of his head.

To his delight, Jade had laughed, shaking her own head as she slid a book into place on the shelf in front of her before she corrected him. "It's Jade. How was your vacation?"

"Relaxing." Kuroo glanced at the books on her cart and picked one up just to keep his hands busy. "I imagine it was pretty nice not having the study group here."

Jade's nose scrunched in a grimace as she shook her head. "I like having you guys around," she defended. "It gives me something to look forward to. But I actually took a week off to go home and see my family," she explained. "Nothing fancy but it was nice to see everyone again."

"Been a while had it?"

Jade had remained quiet for a moment as she pushed her cart a few paces to continue her work before she answered. "Yeah, a few years. It's my own fault," she added with a shrug when Kuroo's eyes widened in shock. "I like the city life and they don't."

Kuroo leaned against the shelving behind him with a small sigh. "That's too bad," he decided to say.

"Everyone has their preferences." Jade shrugged again. It was something she did a lot when talking about her family. "Well, don't let me be too much of a distraction. You're here for a reason, remember?"

"Yes ma'am." Kuroo grinned when she smacked his arm with a book. He was only a few steps away when he stopped. "Actually, that tune you were humming not too long ago, what was it exactly?"

"Just something my mom used to sing us when we were little," Jade answered without turning from the shelves in front of her.

Though she hadn't seen it, Kuroo had nodded before finally retreating back to his friends.

"Took you long enough," Yaku teased when Kuroo sat beside him. "Where'd you go this time?"

"Around," Kuroo answered simply. His mind was elsewhere, the tune from his childhood replaying over and over in his head. Sometimes it was his mother's soft singing that graced his memory and others it was Jade's quiet humming.

Iwaizumi was the first to say something when he heard Kuroo humming the tune. His ears perked at the familiar piece of music before his mind played catch up and his head snapped up suddenly. "What is it?" Oikawa wondered with a frown.

Ignoring his boyfriend Iwaizumi stared hard at Kuroo. "Why are you humming that lullaby, Kuroo?"

"Hmm? What?" Kuroo turned his gaze up from the book he was taking notes from.

"The lullaby mother's sing to their kids to get them to fall asleep. Why are you suddenly humming it?"

Kuroo frowned then. "I didn't realize I was."

"I see I wasn't the only one who noticed then," Sugawara noted with a faint smile. "It is kind of odd though Kuroo."

"Did going home over break remind you of it?" Yaku pressed.

"No, I heard Jade humming it when I was walking around."

The group shared looks of confusion. It was Oikawa who spoke first, his voice a hushed whisper that only they could hear. "Why on Earth would she know that song?"

M.List | Next

[treadmilltreats]

Why do you think your better than others?

I knew that there is racism still in this country, but I never realized it was this bad. Maybe because I am like Tinkerbell and I have always just seen a person's heart. To me if you are a good person, if you are kind, caring and compassionate, that is what counts. 

My mother grew up in Harlem, for God's sake so I never saw racism in my home. I was lucky enough to be brought up in a town that had families of color, we had Jewish families, we had Spanish families, mixed raced families, we even had gay families. This was in the late 60's and a small town, so it was rare that we were not closed minded about these things, as many towns across our nation were. 

We didn't judge a person by the color of their skin, we saw their hearts, we saw their kindness,  they were our friends. It was an incredible place to grow up in and maybe because of that I thought the rest of the world was like we were.

My very first best friend was black, my "Uncle" who was our family friend was black.Hell, I even go to a prodimidly black church, so this has never been an issue for me. Unfortunately I was wrong not only does the rest of the world still have racism but yesterday I realized that it is in your own back yard. With so many friends and family showing their true colors on social media it is shocking to realize how many racist were hanging out in their closets for so many years.

I remember meeting someone online, he seemed nice so after a few emails we decided to meet at the beach.

He was a mixed race man, and as I wrote about yesterday, I didn't care. He was 6'5, a little too tall for me but through text messaging he seemed sweet so I overlooked it.

As we are walking and talking, he starts off by telling me his mom was Italian and his dad was black. Then he asked about my church I go to and when I told him about my church, he responded that he would never go to my church because there were way too many blacks in one place, and that he didn't want to hang out with ghetto people.

Hello? Did he just didn't say that? I told him he was sadly mistaken if he thought my church was ghetto! That I have met some of the kindest, sweetest, giving, smartest, business people there. He had no idea who went to my church or what they were like and yet here he was prejudging them.

Well, right away we are off on the wrong foot, insult my church? Oh hell no, I am definitely not feeling this man, but I am polite and we keep talking. He goes on to tell me how his dad is an ex NBA basketball player and how he played for a professional team in another country. He tells me how rich he was, how people always stop him and recognize him on the street. Now come on really? Does anyone you know here watch Swedish basketball? Okay, buddy.

I am getting a little more put off by the moment and as I tell him "Oh really, well money doesn't matter, I walked away from a marriage with lots of money, and I know for a fact that money doesn't make you happy" He looks at me like I have lost my mind, oh yeah, this date is going downhill fast.

Until it impoded when he asks me if I was married to a white man, I tell him yes, a Jewish man, now he proceeds to tell me how Jews own the world, they think that they are all that, that they are not chosen people.

"Let me tell you how it goes" he says and I'm thinking, oh go right ahead because if you haven't dug your grave already this will really do it. "Please go on" I say.

"It goes whites, then Jew's, then blacks, then Indian's and on the bottom of the barrel is Spanish people"

  

He did not just say that???

And with that, the date was over for me but before I left him standing there by himself, I turned and said.

 "Oh by the way, I guess I didn't mention that I am half Puerto Rican"

He stood there with his mouth open, then he said as I turned and walked away "Oh, are we leaving?"

I said "No, I am" and with that I walked away.

Wow, I remember thinking good thing I didn't dress up for this date! I am still in shock, I have dated a lot of losers (okay, no smartass comments from the peanut gallery) But this one took the cake!

Now I tell you this story for a point, did he really think there was more white blood in him then black? Was he mad at the rest of the world for this reason? I don't know what his problem was but I know he was a racist, as stupid as that sounds.

What I have never understood is that it doesn't matter what color you are, cut us and we all bleed red. When we die we all go in the ground, we all become dust, period! Doesn't matter what color you are, doesn't matter how much money you have, it doesn't matter who you love, we are all the same, so why can't people realize this?

No one is better than anyone else, money doesn't make you better, your color doesn't make you better, your "rank" in society doesn't make you better, what makes you a better person is how you treat others, period.

Yes, I have been learning a lot of lessons this past year but the one I keep learning over and over is what I will put up with and what is definitely not okay!

Being an out and out racist is not okay, treating people like trash is not okay, being okay with the way black people have been treated for years is not okay.

So today my friends my last thought is what I always say at the end of every blog, be the change you want to see, it starts with you.

Love thy neighbor, like you love yourself because in the end, we are all children of God.

"Be the change you want to see"

 

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

https://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Disguise-Revealed-story-faith/dp/1074340493/ref=sr_1_19?keywords=the+blessing+in+disguise&qid=1561392004&s=books&sr=1-19

***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise 

Selling on my website

:

Http://www.treadmilltreats.com

And on Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_13?qid=1462358109&sr=1-13&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=the+blessing+in+Disguise

http://www.am6azon.com/gp/aw/d/0692437398/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?qid=1434452632&sr=8-12&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=the+Blessing+in+Disguise

My weekly Youtube page, please subscribe:

https://youtu.be/LDSXCFJVnzM

Twitter: treadmill treats 

Instagram: treadmilltreats

Facebook :treadmill treats

#treadmilltreats 

#Theblessingindisguise 

#TheblessinginDisguiserevealed

#livinglifelarge 

#bethechangeyouwanttosee

#Thankyounext

#Garyvee

#Jayshetty

#newyearnewme 

#blogginglife

#write

#writer

#blogger

#NewYorktimesbestseller 

#womenoffaithtour 

#Motivationalspeaker

#OnOprahSupersoulSunday

#Oprah

#TylerPerry

#TylerPerryproducingmylifestory

#thisismypassion 

#livingmypurpose 

#blogging

#Newyork

#Florida

#internationalblogger

#francescavillardi

#francescavillardienterprise

[kspell09]

I don't condemn you Kelsye

This morning, as I sat outside reflecting on what I have shared this week, I was overwhelmed by the response I received. The number of people who reached out to me and supported me or shared confessions and parts of their own stories and struggles with me blew me away. I am inspired to share more pieces of Kelsye and drag more into the light. 

Yesterday I went to lunch with a couple co-workers. The conversation turned to my involvement with Elijah Rising, a local organization focused on ending sex trafficking in Houston. I had gone on a van tour through the class I am taking (Perspectives on the world Christian movement) and the next day I shared with my team what I had learned. I was blown away when I learned what a huge business sex trafficking was in Houston. We visited many known brothels and heard many stories of the women rescued through the program. I couldn't believe how many brothels there were within a mile-radius of my home. With my past and knowing the devastating effects that I am still working through, God stirred a passion in me for the organization. I submitted a background check so that I could begin to get involved. 

So as I shared with the guys about the facility I wanted to volunteer at, Kendleton farms, a type of intensive rehabilitation program through Christ, one of the guys made a comment which led me to opening up about my past. He said, probably not exactly but you get the point, 'I understand that for the children that are forced into this, that is just terrible and I agree with you. But what about the women who strip and sell their bodies for money and actually like it, what about them, they are not victims. I met a stripper once who loved stripping and the amount of money she made.' I am not judging him or bashing him at all. This is a common misconception and one I believed too at one time. I told him that no women sells her body or objectifies herself out of a place of health or stability. To which he replied that I couldn't normalize such things. So I decided to open up and let him in on my past.

At the age of four, I was sexually abused by my step-father. When I was 13, I met my real father and faced the hard truth that he didn't want to be a part of my life. Going into junior high and high school I thought that I was made to please men. I didn't feel like I was worth anything more. Of course I didn't consciously know this, but looking at my past and after much reflection and help from Jesus, I know this to be true. I lost my virginity at the age of 15. I cheated on my first boyfriend. After our relationship ended, during my senior year I had sex with many many men. I had the reputation of 'easy' among the guys I hung out with. I had no respect for my body. As I got older, I knew that my body and my sex appeal gave me control. I began to use men and became a sex addict. I hated men and I wanted to hurt them. So I would seduce them and leave them. I felt powerful. I felt in control. I was proud of the fact that I was 'good in bed.' It was my identity. It was who I was. Getting drunk and sleeping with random men and leaving became sort of a hobby for me. I don't even know how many men I have slept with but, to give some perspective, I would say somewhere between 50 and 100. I can share this today because I know that is not who I am. I know I am fully known and fully loved by Jesus Christ and His opinion is the only one that matters. 

I went to the True Women conference in Indianapolis in September of this year. The theme was lies women believe and the truth that sets us free. The second day there was a talk about 'The truth about sexuality' and a panel that followed that of course hit on the topic of sexual abuse (I will include links to these videos at the end). During this time, I kept thinking of all the things I had done and the shame I had carried. The woman caught in adultery was mentioned, and the speaker mentioned how sometimes we forget that after all the accusers went away, the woman, left with Jesus, the only one worthy of casting a stone at her, probably expected him to stone her. But instead, He said to her, "I don't condemn you either." In that moment, in my head, I heard "I don't condemn you Kelsye." And the realization entered into my head "I am not a slut." I looked around to see if other women had heard the same thing. It was so real to me. I just kept saying over and over with tears streaming down my face, you know the hot kind of tears, "I am not a slut! I am not a slut!" They did an alter call and I ran down to the alter and hit my knees. Crying over and over to God and asking him for forgiveness for my past and all my sexual sin and thanking Him for not condemning me. At some point, I realized there were women surrounding me, putting hands on me and praying. One of the women told me that she saw me running down and God told her to go pray with me. I didn't realize that I truly believed I was a slut and wasn't worthy of love. I had been told by ex-boyfriends and girls and heard about what other people thought about me and I believed it. I believed it was who I was. But Jesus is so sweet. He wouldn't let me continue to believe it. It was incredible. But what is even more incredible is that since that day, I am no longer ashamed of my past because I know that Jesus loves me anyway and that He is going to use it as a platform for His glory and that is all that matters. I will also confess, that since that day, I no longer have fantasies. Since I was a young girl, I had perverted fantasies that always left me feeling dirty. Even after coming to Christ I had these fantasies and nothing would stop them. I always felt so gross but I couldn't help it. Maybe some of you can relate, maybe some of you can't but it was real.

I know I have veered off from my original topic but I had to share what Christ has done for me and what He can do for you. I thought I had to be good to be a Christian or God would be mad at me. But after all of my mistakes, after forcing myself to come to Jesus in my shame, hungover, after doing things I knew I shouldn't do and Him showing me His grace, His mercy and His love in those times I see God differently. After He answered my prayers even when I messed up. When He showed Himself to me and I felt His presence even after doing things I knew I shouldn’t over and over again, I know that being good so that God won’t be mad at me isn't what it is about. Jesus came for sinners. Jesus died for sinners. I am a sinner. You are a sinner. Jesus is near to the broken-hearted and He is love. He is real and He doesn't ask for perfection. He asks for us to give our shame to Him and trust the only one worthy of it. He asks for us to come to Him and He will heal us. He is the only one who can change us. And He loves us even when we mess up. He doesn't condemn us. He is love. I just had to share that. Because for so long, I thought I was so messed up because everyone else seemed to have their life together and I was still struggling with the same sin. The alcohol, the fantasies and all the other stuff. But in those times, God showed me how much He loved me. When I came to Him after falling, He picked me right back up and filled me with His love.

So back to my original point. The reason I can say that no woman sells her body and objectifies herself from a place of health or stability is because I lived it. And if you knew me back then, you know I thought I had power, I thought I had control, I thought I was a strong, independent woman who didn't need a man. But I was broken. I am broken. I needed Jesus to come into my life and fill me. He is the only one who can fulfill me and He is the only one who determines my worth. And He tells me I am loved just the way I am. Of course He doesn't want me to stay this way. He continues to show me where I fall short. But He does it in love because He is love. I still struggle with many things but I know that through it all Christ is with me, He will never leave and He loves me unconditionally.

Links:

The Truth about Sexuality - https://www.reviveourhearts.com/events/true-woman-18/message-5-truth-about-sexuality/

Panel Discussion - https://www.reviveourhearts.com/events/true-woman-18/panel-1-gender-issues-sexual-abuse/