#playing with the idea of both past and present astra being in the same space lately for funsies

[astraveil]

where do you see yourself

[brendanmoviedate]

Yer fond of me lobster ain’t ye?

Another year, another broken promise that I’d write more often. I’m not going to fool myself going forward and expect I’ll be able to keep up with reviewing every movie I see. However, I’ll continue to write my year-end movie review and perhaps a couple here and there when I feel inspired. 

Looking back to last year’s post, I wouldn’t make too many changes, though I would certainly move Into the Spider-verse slightly higher up. I would also consider adding Upgrade to the list for how brazen it is.

Most of the films I called out as ones to watch for 2019 ended up being either on my list or in the composite image, which goes to show that it’s worth getting excited for new films more often than not.

Vancouver being the way that it is, sometimes we don’t get timely releases of films when other cities do. As a result, I haven’t had a chance to see 1917 and Uncut Gems yet. The latter of which I’ve been dying to see for months and would probably feature on this list. 

Here’s the 10 best films I’ve seen from 2019:

10. John Wick: Chapter 3: Parabellum

Whereas John Wick: Chapter 2 was the perfect escalation of its pared down predecessor, Chapter 3 is merely an excellent continuation of the newly minted franchise. However, while not bringing anything entirely new to the world of John Wick, it is still an intensely entertaining film. The first 20 minutes is some of the best fight choreography in the series to date and enough to secure a spot on this list.

9. Long Day’s Journey into Night

From director Bi Gan, Long Day’s Journey into Night is a noirish drama about a man (Huang Jue) returning to his hometown following the death of his father to track down his lost love (Tang Wei). The film is a slow burn that jumps between past and present before descending into a surreal 60 minute single take shot filmed in 3D. Regretfully, the only screening I could attend was entirely 2D, but nonetheless, the sequence was still enthralling. This is the type of film that proves that spectacle doesn’t necessarily need to be tied to tentpole movies.

8.  Booksmart

Olivia Wilde’s directorial debut suggests she has an effortless understanding of comedy. Written by a quartet of female writers, Booksmart feels like Superbad for a new generation (I can’t believe that film came out 12 years ago). Interestingly, Jonah Hill’s sister, Beanie Feldstein stars, alongside Kaitlyn Dever (daughter of the guy that voiced Barney the Purple Dinosaur). While it would be easy to say it’s “the female Superbad,” Booksmart is in fact much more than that. Replacing the misfits trying to get laid story with one about a pair of overachievers realizing almost too late that there’s more to life than good grades lets the film be looser and allows the comedy to happen more naturally. 

7. Midsommar

Ari Aster’s follow-up to 2018′s Hereditary began filming almost immediately after wrapping post-production on his previous film. As a result, Midsommar has that extra layer of a director exhausting himself by putting everything on the screen. Midsommar is a much more mature work than Hereditary and one that took a while to grow on me. My initial reaction was less enthusiastic than it is now, but it’s one of the films from 2019 that has stuck with me the most. I imagine a second watch or the extended director’s cut might raise my appreciation of it even more. 

Florence Pugh gives a knockout performance that when combined with her roles in Little Women and last year’s Little Drummer Girl prove that she’ll be a star in no time.

6. Knives Out

Rian Johnson’s first post-Star Wars film sees him reinvigorated and working with a bigger name cast than he has in the past. Essentially a whodunnit along the lines of Agatha Christie, Knives Out follows Daniel Craig’s southern-fried detective Benoit Blanc as he investigates the murder of a wealthy publisher (Christopher Plummer). In addition to playing with a few plot twists, Johnson includes a couple of structure twists as well that turn the film on its head. 

In addition to Craig’s hammy performance, other standouts include Ana de Armas and Chris Evans as the publisher’s caregiver and grandson, respectively. 

Johnson has hinted at the possibility of more Benoit Blanc mysteries, and as long as Daniel Craig is onboard, I’ll gladly watch them.

5. The Lighthouse

In Robert Eggers’ followup to The Witch, Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson play a pair of lighthouse keepers in isolation. As would be expected, The Lighthouse is a paranoia-fuelled chamber piece, with Dafoe’s gruff experienced lighthouse keeper getting on the nerves of the younger Pattinson. And while this setup allows the two leads a chance to really dig into the 19th century dialects, the film takes the occasional departure into the eldritch for a very unsettling film. 

As with Black Philip in The Witch, there’s a standout animal character in The Lighthouse - fittingly, a seagull.

4. Once Upon a Time ...in Hollywood

Quentin Tarantino’s presumably penultimate film is perhaps his most mature work, ruminating on the idea of legacy and the film industry as a whole. Once Upon a Time ...in Hollywood is almost a Tarantino hangout movie reminiscent of parts of Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction. A lot of time is spent on scenes that don’t necessarily lead to the film’s climax, but allow the characters room to breathe and feel real. Other than the historical event hinted at throughout the movie, the film doesn’t seem to have a particular direction, which allows you to live in the lives of these characters more than if it was purely plot driven.

The main cast of Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and Margo Robbie is great, but it’s Pitt who puts in a career best performance. There’s a quietness and a sadness to his character that brings some added depth to an otherwise bold cast.

3. Ad Astra

Brad Pitt’s other great performance this year is in James Gray’s Ad Astra. Having seen Gray’s The Lost City of Z and purposefully avoiding trailers and reviews, my expectation for this film was a reflective voyage centred around the ideas of obsession, loss, and family. All of these ideas were present in Ad Astra, but the real surprise was how seamlessly a space opera was added into the story. I never thought I’d see a lunar shuttle chase, but I’m glad I did.

The amount of casual sci-fi world building in the film is staggering, with entire premises treated as banal. We get to see Pitt’s Clifford McBride travel from Earth to the Moon mundanely on a commercial flight. Most films would take the opportunity to spoon feed to the audience why this is odd, but Ad Astra treats it as normal as the characters do, making it all the more fascinating.

2. The Farewell

Starring Awkwafina, who has quickly shot to stardom after featuring in Crazy Rich Asians, The Farewell gives the actress the chance to stretch her dramatic muscles playing Billi, who returns to China to visit with her grandmother who has cancer. Billi’s family insists on keeping the grandmother’s illness a secret from her so she can live out her life in happiness, while Billi struggles with the morals of lying to her grandmother. This premise allows for not only the comedy of misunderstanding, a staple in comedy, but also emotional tension and the devastation of preparing to send off a loved one. 

The comedy-drama balance is handled expertly by director Lulu Wang, making The Farewell the movie I both cried at and laughed at the most this year.

1. Parasite

Had you told me a couple of months ago that my picking Parasite as the best movie of the year could be considered a safe choice, I would have scoffed. Yet here we are, and Parasite has widely been hailed as the best film of the year. I suppose in hindsight it’s not hard to see why. It’s both a crowd-pleasing film and a film that’s deeply disturbing and thrilling.

After having seen Bong Joon-ho’s last five movies, one would be forgiven for expecting a linearity in Parasite. Most of his films tend to have a point A to point B element with an expected (though often subverted) outcome. Heck, Snowpiercer is about a group of people moving from the back of the train to the front, one car at a time. Yet Parasite is different. The film sets up a premise you only find out about as it happens and is quickly overturned once you’re comfortable with it.

I saw this movie the same day I saw Joker and the difference in how the subject matter of class is treated is stark. Whereas Joker wanted to go all dark and Taxi Driver with the theme, Parasite had fun with it and let the elements of drama, comedy, and horror slide along the theme of class.

Like Bong’s Memories of Murder, Parasite will be one of those films I endlessly revisit.

Honourable Mentions

Films that almost cracked the Top 10 that I wanted to shout out here are Us and Doctor Sleep for being really solid, exciting, horror-thrillers. As well as The Irishman for being a classic Scorcese film that gives De Niro and Pacino ample time to with each other. Finally, I wanted to applaud Avengers: Endgame for not only managing to pull off such an ambitious finale, but to make it so goddamned fun.

2020

This year I’m looking forward to new blockbusters from two of my favourite directors, Christoper Nolan and Denis Villeneuve - Tenet and Dune, respectively. 

Despite the stumble with Spectre, I’m extremely excited for Daniel Craig’s last outing as Bond with No Time to Die, by auteur Cary Fukunaga. I can’t wait to see how his style meshes with the Bond template. 

Also of great interest are the new films from David Fincher and Edgar Wright - Mank and Last Night in Soho.

[xenosgirlvents]

The Way Out - Review

Synopsis: A ship becalmed in space needs repairs. Fortunately, a nearby watch station offers refuge… Surely nothing can go wrong for the crew of the Fortune's Favour?

Plot: This is a fairly good one, definitely the best of Warhammer Horror I’ve come across so far. In many ways the setup is a classical horror and scifi trope which serves it well. A group of spacefarers come across an eerie station and board it...then things start to go bad.

Have you ever watched Event Horizon? In many ways there are similarities between the plots. You have some sort of spacecraft, a spacestation in this case named most ironically Refuge, a group of unlucky victims board it and begin to experience an escalating series of horror phenomena linked to their own personal experiences.

The horror aspect is executed excellently in this one, throughout, playing to the subtle, personal rather than the visceral or gory. The horror strikes at the things the cast regret or feel guilt for, or whatever personal foible they have, dragging it out before them and forcing them to face it. Even till the end there isn’t much in the way of mindless action scenes and the horror remains largely subtle which I enjoy a lot.

In what, I feel, will become a repetitive section when discussing Warhammer Horror is that the ending is once more completely bleak and hopeless. I know Horror loves this as a genre but in my opinion the best horror stories don’t just use the hopeless ending. Regardless though the ending is lacklustre to me the overall plot is still good, develops well and has several good moments. 

Characters: This is one of the most successful juggling of a large cast I have ever seen in a Warhammer audio drama. I’m honestly impressed. Most audio dramas can manage a single protagonist and a single antagonist if they are good, with other characters being very exogenous, but this story manages 5! The character dynamics and interactions are strong here, working together well, in many ways like Corsair: Face of the Void, which also has a very good character interaction web.

Our characters are the command crew of the vessel; Captain Karina, Security Officer Halitz, Techpriestess Sumer (my love) and Navigator Dhovar.

Sumer is my favourite character of the story and is lovingly portrayed. She is by far the greatest source of comedy and such a ray of proverbial sunshine that, although she has no depth to her, she helps prevent the story from lapsing into the common ‘overly dark’ tone by giving it some levity. She’s clearly a character mostly serving the role of tension breaker with no real arc or depth to her but she has a vibrant personality and, most importantly, is simply an immensely likeable character.

Dhovar, obvious bad guy, is the obvious bad guy. For most of the audio drama he is a weak character simply written as the obvious problem. He’s arrogant, likes no-one, constantly hears voices whispering to him and decides he wants to follow the mysterious voices (surely not a bad idea at all!) and tell no-one about them. I’d overall say he’s just a stock bad villain except...the final moments of the story do redeem him somewhat. They give a very personal, human, motive to his recklessness which, though not saving him from being the stock idiot of a horror story who reads the necronomicon, does make him easier to understand.

Halitz is honestly an interesting character. But there is a...a soured aspect to it. You see in many ways Halitz is clearly the stealth protagonist, not Karina. Although the story begins presenting Karina as the protagonist much of the mid and end focuses purely on Halitz and his dark past fighting Tyranids as a member of the Astra Militarum. Halitz has a nuanced depiction; initially a generic military tough guy but then as we see into his mind he’s actually a deeply damaged man, grappling guilt and PTSD and who suffers from the well-fleshed out character flaw that he simply cannot take responsibility for himself, he always, always, needs to find a way to shift his actions, the consequences of them, on to someone else. All this makes for an interesting character who highlights human weaknesses well but...at the expense of very much turning this from a story about Captain Karina’s experience into a story of Halitz’s weaknesses. Part of the problem, I fear, is that as a horror story it needs a character who can feel fear and be affected by the horror inside but Karina is, mostly, depicted as so impossible to scare or intimidate that she doesn’t serve well as a viewpoint character once the horror begins. Still it leaves a bad taste in my mouth as Halitz largely becomes the protagonist and Karina ends up shunted aside.

Karina herself is a fun and engaging character who’s only weakness is that, inside a horror story, she is perhaps to unflappable, able to simply bulldoze her way through the horror with apparent ease, the only member of the core cast who isn’t overcome by some manifestation of her own weaknesses. Atlhough this makes her very fun and enjoyable the result is that I feel the narrative never spends to much time on her since it wants to focus on the other characters who are affected by the horror. I’m already beginning to fear these Warhammer Horror stories will have a trend of female ‘badass’ characters who are ‘important’ and do complete actions in the plot but end up having little substance or agency as Captain Brandon is somewhat similar in Perdition’s Flame. 

Beyond this there is then also Kosch, a lone survivour found aboard the station. There is little to say of Kosch. She does an adequate job of providing exposition in an organic manner, conveying the fear of the horror before it becomes persistent, but she has little character beyond that to discuss. 

Sound Design: The sound work on this one is very good! Sumer’s voice, in particular, I want to praise as conveying both a distinctly human and emotive voice with synthetic and mechanical aspects interwoven which make it actually really pleasant to listen too.

Beyond that the use of accompanying background noises are used well, the voice acting is good for the most part...though I’d note Black Library’s somewhat limited pool of Voice Actors and Actresses is noticeable in a production with a large cast like this because Crewwoman Kosch sounds almost identical to Captain Brandon from Perdition’s Flame. 

A small complaint though: like Perdition’s Flame the ‘supernatural’ voices used are very much of the ‘deep and rumbling’ variety that echo. This isn’t on its own bad or concerning but...if every single ‘spooky’ voice ends up being this same deep, bass, rumble it will soon move from ‘intimidating’ to just boring. I hope we get more range on the spooky voices in the future.

Themes: The story’s focus is rather obviously on the weaknesses of people, things which motivate them. Every member of the core cast has a weakness which rears itself in the story:

Halitz is wracked with guilt over his treatment of a comrade in the past, this manifests in a seemingly compulsive inability to ever accept the consequences for his own actions as part of an extended denial, Sumer is consumed with curiosity and the need to understand the unknown even when she places herself in danger to do so, Dhovar’s issue is the crux of the story so I shan’t go into it in detail, save to say that he misses his home and would do anything to get back there and Karina exemplifies hurting people you care for when they are threatening you and others through their actions. Of all of these only Karina ‘overcomes’ her foible, confronts it and owns it, not as something she must repent for, but as something she accepts about herself. Halitz falls into complete denial, so desperate to never accept blame that he will do anything to escape it, Sumer risks herself to satiate her curiosity and Dhovar makes a terrible bargain even knowing he shouldn’t before he finally sacrifices himself at the end to undo his mistake. 

Conclusion: The best of Warhammer Horror by far yet and honestly just an enjoyable little piece of work. I’d recommend it for anyone who wants to get into Warhammer Horror as I don’t think it holds much for someone looking for a normal Warhammer adventure. 

[stupidinspadesconstantine]

This is a fic set in the Caught in the Undertow Verse where Rip and John are fox shifters, and also, eventually, in a relationship.

Please note the trigger warnings.

Numb

-

John tries his best, but it isn’t good enough. He’s on autopilot. Rip is excited about the flat, about them moving in together and having a place of their own. John is a grieving, emotional wreck who can barely make it from one day to the next without tears or nightmares or just needing time to himself. So, John smiles because he doesn’t want to ruin this moment for Rip, and puts on the best act that he can. It’s important to Rip, that he’s leaving home, even if he’s only moving a few miles away, and John owes Rip so much lately. The fake smile becomes more permanent the longer he uses it, and he’s not sure he remembers what the real one feels like anyway.

He wants to be genuinely happy about this too and he knows that under other circumstances he’d be just as excited by it as Rip is. He is pleased not to be sleeping on the couch and at the idea of having his own bed, or at least he would be if he could manage any kind of real emotion. But everything is flat and grey, and nothing seems to hold much interest for him. He’s just tired, and every little thing feels like it’s a struggle, even the happy things like moving into a new flat with his best friend.

Rip has boxes of stuff that need to be moved from the car into the flat, including a whole load of things for the kitchen that Mary gave them after she had a turnout of her own kitchen. She’s given them a few other things too, a couple of armchairs that have seen better days and two old floor rugs that will at least brighten up the place a little. John has his backpack with his clothes in it, his guitar, and a box of things that he collected from his Dad’s house. It’s pitiful. He doesn’t even own a set of sheets to put on his new bed. Mary gives him some, and a hug. He tells her that he’ll pay her back, and she tells him not to be silly.

The visit to his Dad’s house didn’t help his mood. Tom Constantine is still the same drunken bastard that he always was, but also lazy, so John’s room was almost exactly as he’d left it. Rip went with him for moral support, and John picked up the few things he wanted, the last of his clothes, his alarm clock, some records, books, and his small collection of gifts that Rip has given him over the years, each one cherished for what it symbolised.

John unpacks. The collection is placed on the shelf in his new room, not exactly given a position of honour because he feels too self-conscious about them for that, but they’re a small cluster of things placed at one end, beside his books. No one had ever given John many gifts before Rip came along, and certainly not in the casual way that Rip did, like there was nothing important in the act.

There’s a pencil Rip once lent him in maths and told him to just keep, a guitar keychain that he thought John would like, the wrapper from a bar of chocolate, the stub of a cinema ticket, a mug that says “rock star” on it, and none of it is big or even things that other people would keep. But John kept them because they meant something to him. Rip gave them to him, so they are special.

They get more things for the flat as the days go by. John takes Rip on a tour of the best charity shops in London and they pick things out together. Their new home feels less empty. It’s a space that they fill just with their presence mostly, and John is happy that they finally get to just be friends together. Ever since their argument he’s been worried that he and Rip were done, but apparently not.

It seemed like they were pulling in opposite directions when he left London. Rip didn’t want him to go at all, but John couldn’t stay in father’s house any longer. It hadn’t even occurred to him that Mary would have taken him in, so he left. He’d intended to come back, but so much had changed whilst he was away that he wasn’t sure he could. He wasn’t even the same person who’d left the city all those months ago. He felt unclean, like he wouldn’t be welcome there any longer, and he didn’t deserve Rip’s friendship after the things that he’d said.

And Rip had summoned him home with three words. Just like that, and everything was forgiven.

“Come home, John.”

So, he had, because Rip was his home. His home was a person not a place, and it had taken far too long to realise that.

He was somewhat amazed to find that the revelation didn’t actually surprise him that much. Of course, the person who had helped him understand himself, and had always been there when he needed him, who’d woken him from nightmares, who’d opened his house to him, of course he was home. It made so much sense that he kicked himself for not understanding before.

*

John gets a job at the local supermarket, because they need the money and he needs to do something. He stacks shelves, moves boxes and desperately tries not to swear at his idiot manager. He plays melancholy guitar in the evening at a pub where a friend of Chas’s is the landlord, and that helps ends meet. He tries to forget Astra’s face, the blood on his hands, the sharp scent of iron in the air when he found her…

Sometimes he can lose himself in booze and cigarettes and being on stage. Sometimes he can forget for just a few minutes what happened in Newcastle when Rip is explaining something in intricate detail, with hand gestures and that look of delight that he gets in his eyes. Occasionally, very occasionally, John can just lose himself in those green eyes, and he wonders what that means. He can’t think about it now though, whatever it is. It’s too much for him to take on right now.

*

They buy a second hand, battered leather sofa with the first pay cheques of their new living arrangement. It’s worth every penny and more, they both love it the moment they set eyes on it and it’s a good purchase. It makes the flat feel more like it’s theirs, and it gives them somewhere to sit and watch movies on Rip’s laptop. They won’t have enough money for a proper TV for at least another couple of months, maybe more.

Things go well for a while. John doesn’t like his job, but they pay him and it gets him out of the flat for a few hours. He does like playing guitar, especially when Rip comes down to the pub to listen. He knows that his friend is out of his comfort zone when he does that, and he appreciates it all the more for that.

He spends most of his time hanging out with Rip when he isn’t working or sleeping. He tries to flirt with a few good looking girls who frequent the bar, but his fox is very displeased with him. The one time it looks like he might have pulled, he realises that it isn’t what he wants after all. He supposes he must be going through a phase where he’s into guys instead, it’s happened before. Except there’s only one guy he seems attracted to. Rip is the only person he really wants to be with, which is kind of weird. He’s his best friend and Rip is definitely not into him that way. He supposes that it’s just that he’s spending a lot of time with him at the moment, and the band are making another stab at touring with Muppet as their lead singer. None of his other old friends are around, and he supposes he’s just a little lonely.

He can’t complain. He feels lighter when he’s with Rip and occasionally a genuine smile crosses his lips now. Perhaps he can move on and put the past behind him.

Then he sees a small, dark haired girl in the street and has three weeks solid of nightmares. Rip hugs him back to sleep late at night as he cries in his friend’s arms, and neither of them talk about it in the morning.

He tries to keep going, but he can’t. He sleeps in and doesn’t go to work for two days after the first week of nightmares. He’s not surprised when they fire him at the end of the month. He signs on to the dole and doesn’t tell them about the gigs in the evenings. He has just enough to make his share of the rent if tips are good, and maybe have a bit left over to buy food if he’s careful. Sometimes he spends his tips on beer instead, and hates himself for it afterwards, even though the numbness was good at the time. It feels like he’s a kid again, living in his father’s shadow, wondering if the housekeeping money will be there this week or already spent on booze. It’s just that this time he’s the one drinking away the money he needs to live on.

The band come back from their tour and it’s obvious that it hasn’t gone well. Muppet doesn’t have the stage presence that John did, and it’s clear that they’re angry that they’ve lost their front man. Chas doesn’t blame him for leaving when he did, or for staying with Rip instead of coming back later. The others aren’t so kind.

He would like to move on, but nothing seems to help, and his mind is hardly ever in the present. He sleeps long days in bed, unable to summon the strength to face the world, unable to even keep up with what day of the week it is.

*

Rip lives his life whilst John gives up on his. He has no idea where he’s going, and sometimes Rip seems like he’s the only real thing in his existence. His friend always makes a point of putting his head around the door and trying to drag John out of his room. He brings him food, even when John doesn’t feel up to eating it. He reminds him to shower occasionally. He brings his laptop into John’s room and bullies him into watching movies with him. Sometimes Rip turns into his fox and falls asleep on John’s lap, just like he used to do when they were kids. John runs his hand through Rip’s fur and calmness follows.

Rip is a solid presence in his life, reliable and understanding. He isn’t sure why he stays, and if he’s honest, he expects him to leave. John is just a burden at this point. He barely brings in enough cash to pay the rent, and often Rip ends up buying food for them both because John is broke again. He keeps expecting him to walk into his room and tell him that John needs to shape up or he’ll go.

Rip doesn’t leave though, he’s still there, and he keeps trying to feed him and get him to get out of the flat more. He coaxes him out for the occasional day in the woods as a fox, even though the fox sulks impressively when John shifts. He plays with the other fox for a while, but his heart isn’t in it, and he usually ends up shifting back and just watching Rip running between the trees, enjoying himself. If John is honest, watching Rip hunt rabbits is one of the few moments he feels at peace with himself. It’s so obvious that Rip is having fun, in his natural element, that it makes him happy to watch his friend.

The days merge together and weeks pass him by. He is well aware that he’s just existing at this point. He keeps hoping that something, anything, will make him feel better, but he can’t seem to pull himself out of this slump that he’s in. None of the things that used to give him joy work anymore. Not playing his guitar, not listening to his music, not movies, not good food, not his friends, and not even Rip some days.

However, there are better patches and, in one of those, John applies for some jobs just so that Rip will stop pestering him to get out and he’ll be able to contribute more to their housekeeping budget. He feels guilty about how little he makes playing guitar at the pub. They still don’t have a television, and when it’s cold, they just put on another jumper.

John is quite surprised when one of his applications bears fruit and he finally does get a new job, working in a warehouse dispatching boxes of things to places that he’s never heard of. It doesn’t take much of his brain to fetch and carry, which is just as well because he feels like he’s seeing the world through a haze. He feels slow and stupid, and he can’t string more than two thoughts together most days. It’s hard to even get to his job, let alone care about it when he’s there, but he does it because he doesn’t want to be a burden to Rip forever.

He looks at Rip and sees him differently now. He doesn’t know when the change happened. It’s like it was so gradual that he can’t even tell when it started. Rip feels like he’s more than just a friend. He makes him feel warm when he’s with him, and like he matters. He finds himself wanting to spend all his time with Rip and no one else.

He still plays guitar in the evening, and smokes more, and drinks more, and wonders what it would be like to kiss Rip Hunter. That stray thought gets shoved to the back of his mind as fast as he can manage it, but it won’t stay there.

Rip comes to the pub to watch him almost every time he plays now. He can see that it’s more out of worry than anything else, because John is always drunk by the end of the night now. There have been a couple of times that he probably would have just slept in a doorway, except Rip is there to see him home.

Rip is always there to be his home, John realises. He wishes that it was enough, and that he could pull himself out of the rut that he’s in. He wonders if anything will now. Maybe he’ll just be like this forever, sad, numb and trying desperately to be happy when he doesn’t even know how.

*

At some point it becomes clear that Rip hates the job that he has. It takes John a lot longer to realise it than it should because he just can’t focus on anything outside his head for very long. He feels bad about that. Rip has done so much for him and he hasn’t been there for him when he could have used a friend. Rip’s job pays well enough, and he’s good at it, because Rip is good at almost everything he tries, but the people are difficult, and he finds it hard dealing with them day in day out. John suggests that he find something else and Rip talks wistfully about opening his own repair shop, like it’s an unattainable dream.

“You should do it,” John says.

“When we’re more settled,” Rip replies.

If John had more energy then he’d tell Rip that he should do it anyway, but he doesn’t, perhaps because he understands what Rip isn’t saying. That Rip doesn’t want to leave his stable job when John is on his second job in less than six months, and who knows how long this one will last? John has barely any qualifications and his current job only pays just above minimum wage.

John loses his second job only a few weeks after that conversation, and feels both guilty and relieved that Rip stayed in the job that he hates. At least they can still eat and pay rent. He doesn’t tell Rip how he lost the job because he’s too embarrassed to explain that he cut himself on a box opener and the blood sent him spiralling into a flashback of finding Astra’s dead body on the floor. Rip just comes home to him in fox form, licking at his front leg and limping a bit. He stays as his fox all night, because it means Rip can’t ask questions, or at least he can’t expect answers.

He goes straight to the pub once he’s human again, and drinks all day. He’s too drunk to play his usual gig that night, and he’s fairly sure that Chas is the only reason that he doesn’t find himself fired from two jobs in two days. Chas calls Rip and Rip takes him home.

John tells Rip that he’s good looking on the way home, and Rip laughs. John doesn’t know what to make of that.

“You’ll find another job,” Rip tells him.

“I know,” says John, but it’ll be like his old job, dull, and a dead end with no future. He isn’t sure he can face it again. He begins to wonder what the point of his life is. Why should he continue with this miserable shell of an existence when there is no happiness and no prospect of anything improving?

The only good thing in his life is Rip, and even him he’s dragging down. He’s hurting him by needing him to look after him, by meaning that Rip can’t have his shop. That isn’t what he wants for his friend. Rip has his own life and John shouldn’t be stopping him from living it.

His thoughts are all poison and they build up in his head until he’s lost all sight of the good things in his life. Even Rip’s presence becomes something that just makes him feel worse.

*

John is wandering the streets, trying to find work, but not really trying as hard as he should. He sees a knife made of plate silver in a pawn shop window. It calls to him. Shifters are hard to kill, and John has been considering that fact for a while now. He’s fallen to the bottom of a dark hole and he can’t even see which way is up anymore. He just wants to stop feeling this way, that’s all. He’s had enough, and he would give anything for it to end.

He doesn’t play guitar at the pub now. Chas suggested that he take a break because he just wasn’t at his best. John agrees, and gratefully accepts the “fired but not fired” as at least better than he’s had before.

He had an argument with Rip the night before. He just wanted to be left alone but Rip wasn’t having it, so he’d snapped at him, and then regretted it and apologised. The damage was done though and it’s just another way that he’s hurt his friend, along with failing to pay even part of his share of the rent this month. He’s not sure how they’re going to manage without even his money from his guitar playing and the tips had been good too.

The knife calls to him, so he buys it. And he feels… he thinks it’s relief, that’s what it is. He finally has a way out, and a strange, sad calm falls over him. The knife comes in a box, and it’s uncomfortable for him to even hold it. He’s not sure how he’s actually going to use it, but he’ll work that out later. He takes it home anyway, and sits on the floor of his room, looking at the knife, still in its box, open in front of him, trying to summon up the courage to do something.

Hours go by, and he is startled by the front door opening and closing. He hears Rip shout that he’s back, but John is somewhere else, lost in his head. Tears are streaming down his face and he doesn’t remember when he began to cry. Answering isn’t something his voice can do at the moment.

There’s a knock on the door and Rip pokes his head into the room. He’s smiling until he sees John, and all John can do is look at him, and feel deeper guilt settle in him. Rip knows something is wrong, but it takes him a moment to spot the knife.

John doesn’t think that he’s ever seen Rip move quite as fast, at least not as a human. He is on the box and slamming it shut before John can even persuade his sluggish muscles to move.

“You stupid bloody bastard!” Rip picks up the box with the knife in it, and then drops it like it’s burnt him. “Silver! You have a silver knife?”

John can’t look at him.

“What the hell were you thinking? We’re getting rid of it, now!”

“No,” says John.

“This could hurt us!”

John just meets Rip’s eyes, and realisation dawns. John wipes a hand across his eyes, and looks away again.

“You selfish, idiotic, arse! How dare you! Do you know what I’d have done if you’d hurt yourself? How I’d have felt?”

“I’m sorry… I’m just sorry for everything… you’re my best friend, but I can’t go on like this, Rip. I can’t.” John shakes his head. “I can’t keep a job, I can’t sleep, I can’t pay the rent, and I don’t even do my share of the housework anymore, because what is the point. I don’t leave my room except to use the bathroom or maybe to get a paper so that I can depress myself more by looking at the jobs section….” He takes a deep breath. “I can’t get Astra’s face out of my mind, I can’t forget what her blood smelled like, and I can’t forget that I could have done something…”

He lets the tears fall now, because there is no point hiding it anymore.

“Just let me die, Rip. It’ll be better for both of us.”

He hears the sigh, loud and exasperated with a touch of anger about it. And he expects more shouting but suddenly he is being hugged.

“You’re more of a fool than I thought if you really believe that, John Constantine.” Rip speaks quietly, but his tone expects no argument.

John cries on his shoulder, clinging to his friend like a drowning man to a life raft. It feels like a dam has broken, and he needs this, as he is tossed on a sea of emotion.

“We will fix this,” Rip continues. “You will feel better. You just need some help, and to stop thinking that any of this is your fault.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

Rip hugs him tighter. “I know it’s not, believe me, I know. I’ve watched you struggle these last months, and not known how to help you, or if you’d even accept my help if I gave it...”

“Rip, this is rock bottom. I don’t think there’s any further down for me to go. If you’re offering help, I’ll take it.”

“I still don’t know how to make you feel better about what happened… but there are other things that I can do. We should probably start with doing some research on ways to help you.” He releases the hug just a little. “And maybe have some ice cream while we do it, in the sitting room, on the sofa, somewhere that’s more comfortable than your bedroom floor anyway.”

John makes a sound that might have been a laugh under better circumstances.

“Okay,” he says, because he doesn’t really trust himself to say anything else.

“I bought you some of that chocolate you like too.”

“You did?” John’s slightly surprised.

“Of course. I was in the shop and it was there. You are important to me. Please try not to forget that.” Rip stands and pulls John to his feet.

“Right,” he replies. “You’re important to me too.”

And he means it. Rip is not just his best friend, he’s kept him going.

John feels tired and rung out as Rip leads him to the sofa in their living room and then proceeds to treat him like a child with a cold. He tucks blankets around him, pulls out his favourite movie and puts it on the laptop for him. And they talk, this time John really explains how he’s been feeling, like he’s just a mill stone around Rip’s neck, and Rip tells him that he isn’t, he will never be that. And there are a hundred small touches and more hugs, and John slowly feels his heart thaw. He begins to think he has hope, because when Rip Hunter is determined, you do not stand in his way. Rip Hunter has just declared that he will help John and that John will feel better, so he is inclined to believe that it will happen, even if he knows he has a long road ahead of him.

Rip looks up suicide prevention websites, and then depression websites, and they eat the entire tub of ice cream and the chocolate and they come up with a plan. Shifters can’t really go to human doctors, but the two of them can talk to Mary and maybe she has experience of this. Rip has never come across a depressed fox shifter, but that doesn’t mean that John is the only one.

They fall asleep on the sofa together, tangled up in each other’s limbs, just like when they were teens, and John has a good night’s sleep for the first time in weeks.

*

The first point on Rip’s list (because of course Rip has made a list of “things to make John feel better”) is to find John a job that he doesn’t hate.

Rip approaches research methodically, logically working through the options. John is less rigorous, he just finds a starting point and begins reading. They both come to the conclusion that John has options, and there are things that John is good at that someone would pay him to do. He wants to help people, so he considers social work, but he’d have to go back to school for that and they don’t have the money for it right now. He looks at joining the police but he needs A levels for that, and he never finished his. He could become a Community Support Officer, but that isn’t the area that he wants to be in.

It's Rip who comes up with the idea of him becoming a Private Investigator. John has already solved a murder, and they know that he’s good at tracking, finding things and people. John doesn’t think he’s smart enough to do the exams though. So, to prove a point, Rip finds an online IQ test and gets John to take it. They’re both slightly surprised by the result. John is verifiably smart, and within a few points of Rip when he takes the same test. John thinks that Rip might be annoyed by that, but of course he isn’t. Rip is proud of him.

“I always knew you weren’t stupid,” says Rip, with a playful push.

“You called me an idiot less than an hour ago,” replies John, with an amused eye roll.

“Because you are. That doesn’t mean you’re unintelligent. You just don’t always choose to apply your intelligence.”

John laughs at that. He feels some darkness lift. He puts his hand on Rip’s and gives it a squeeze in a gesture of affection before he realises what he’s doing. Rip looks at the hand for a moment and then covers it with his own, giving it a quick pat of acceptance.

Mary provides John with medicine that is supposed to help disperse his bad mood, which is another point on Rip’s list ticked off, and it does seem to help. Rip enforces regular fox days, because exercise is supposed to be beneficial too. John is tired a lot of the time, still sad, and he knows that even though he’s decided to live it’s going to take a while to turn things around, but being a fox does seem to give him more energy. Rip is there too and that’s all that matters to him.

Point two on Rip’s list is that the knife leaves their house. He doesn’t care how, but John can’t keep it, and John understands why. It’s symbolising the fact that John was going to abandon Rip on his own, and Rip takes that very personally indeed. He’ll never blame Rip for being hurt by that. He gives the knife to Chas for “safe keeping”. There may come a day when they need it and he’s never been one to throw things out that might be useful later. The local wolves have been known to cause trouble.

Point three on the list is “spend time together and talk every day” which John is all too pleased to do, even if the talking is hard because Rip demands reports on his mood, daily. John can’t help but look at Rip and get a goofy smile on his face, because it’s so clear that Rip cares about him. It’s one of the early things to make him feel happier.

He and Rip have always helped each other, and for once he doesn’t lie or brush off his concern with “I’m fine”. He tells Rip what he’s feeling, and Rip listens. Often there is a hug but sometimes Rip just says something like “you know your brain is lying to you”, and it pulls his head out of his arse. Rip has done a lot of reading about mental health recently, and challenging John’s faulty thinking is one way of getting him to understand that he isn’t worthless or a burden or any of the other things that have been plaguing his thoughts lately.

And at some point, John realises that he is in trouble, because he thinks he might be falling for Rip, and he has been for a while now. This isn’t just physical attraction though, this is more than that now. He doesn’t just love the curve of Rip’s lips, he loves what those lips say and the brain behind them. He loves everything about Rip: the way he gestures with his hands as he speaks, the green of his eyes, eyes that are so deep and sincere but also sparkle with mischief on occasion, the fact that Rip can call him an idiot and somehow still make it a term of endearment, that he’s not afraid to tell John what he thinks, and that he won’t let him have his own way all the time.

John has no idea what to do, so he shelves the problem for the moment. Rip obviously doesn’t feel the same way about him, so he’ll just have to get over it. He couldn’t bear to lose Rip’s friendship on top of everything else at the moment.

*

John gets as far as packing a bag and leaving Rip a note. He doesn’t think that it’s good for Rip to have him living here. Rip is basically acting as his carer at this point, and it isn’t fair on him. Which is before he even gets to the fact that he is definitely in love with him.

Rip comes home unexpectedly early and tells him not to be such an arsehole. There is an argument in which Rip points out that he doesn’t care that he has to look after John at the moment, it’s what friends do. He cares about him and one day maybe Rip will need John to look after him. He can repay the favour then. Until then, well, John can damn well unpack and stop being an idiot.

John unpacks and does his best to stop being an idiot. It’s a work in progress.

*

There are a string of nightmares, bad ones. John has been doing a lot better lately, but there are bound to be patches which are worse. Rip has been trying to finish off something for his distance learning course, and working all day, then coming home to John, and working all evening to get his course work done. John has done his best to help, but he’s still not on his best form, sleeping a lot and only getting out occasionally.

Inevitably the nightmare wakes Rip, because they always do. John has tried a lot of things to stop that from happening, but Rip’s fox ears are too good and he seems to be tuned in to John’s distress. There is a familiar pattern to Rip soothing John now. Rip wakes him, being careful to keep out of range of John’s flailing limbs and occasional flying fist, and then talks to him until he’s sure he’s back in the real world. Usually Rip climbs into bed beside him and holds him, and it helps him to go back to sleep. John has never really considered this to be strange. It works and they both get back to sleep most quickly when they’re together like that.

Tonight is different.

“Aren’t you fed up with this? I know I am,” says John, running a hand through his sweat soaked hair.

“You need me, John,” replies Rip. “You always go back to sleep more quickly if I’m with you.”

“But you shouldn’t have to do this. You were late to bed tonight because you were writing your essay, and now you’re up in the middle of the night because of me,” says John.

And he doesn’t add what he’s thinking, because he very much doubts that Rip would be pleased to know the thoughts he is having about Rip’s body being pressed so close to his.

“One night of poor sleep won’t kill me,” Rip replies.

“But it isn’t just one night. Why do you do this? I’m not worth it.”

Rip takes John’s face in his hands. “Don’t you dare say that. I haven’t spent the last few weeks persuading you that you have a lot to live for, for you to just throw all that work away because of one nightmare. You are my friend and that is why I do this.”

John’s brain is not involved in what happens next. Rip is so perfect and beautiful, both inside and out. He is looking into those beautiful eyes, and suddenly he is leaning in to kiss Rip’s gorgeous lips. It is only as his lips touch Rip’s that he realises what he has done, groggy from lack of sleep and apparently not quite in his right mind.

His eyes widen, and he notices that Rip’s have too. He scrambles away from him as quickly as he can manage it and out of bed.

“Bollocks! I’m so sorry. I’m not sure what I was thinking…”

John has ruined everything with one moment of lapsed judgement. Rip is looking rather stunned, as if he hasn’t quite caught up with what has happened.

“I’ll move out in the morning,” John says.

Rip sighs and gets out of bed.

“We’ve been over this. I don’t want you to move out. Why would you move out?”

“Because I love you! I am in love with you! I kissed you! My best friend. And I know you don’t feel that way about me. I’ve ruined everything.”

“How do you know that I don’t feel that way? We’ve never talked about it.”

Damn Rip and his logic. Then Rip is closing the gap between them, and suddenly John is being kissed. His eyebrows disappear into his hairline. He is very surprised, but not so surprised that he doesn’t kiss back. It may be the best kiss that he’s ever had.

The fox in his head is celebrating with extreme enthusiasm. It is practically shouting its approval, and it wants to shift, to be the one with the mate, but John isn’t going to allow that just yet. He needs to be able to talk still. Which assumes that any of his braincells are left functioning enough to form coherent conversation.

The kiss finishes.

For a moment neither of them speak. They are touching, holding the other close, hands stroking down the other’s arms, both a little shocked but basking in the moment.

“I love you too, John. You are my best friend and I love you.”

“You mean that? You’re really okay with this?” asks John, still not really believing it.

“I am more than okay with it. I’ve wanted this for a while, even though I’m not sure that I knew this is what I was wanting…” He shakes his head a little. “I like holding you, hugging you and just being with you. I love you.” Rip smiles at John. “I am in love with you.”

John kisses Rip again, a quick one this time. “Come back to bed with me then.” And a beat too late he realises how that sounds. “I mean, just so that we can sleep, but maybe kiss a bit more? Unless you want…”

Rip shakes his head. “I’d rather take this slowly, but being hugged and kissed sounds quite nice right now.” There is a shy smile, which John returns with a massive grin. He pulls Rip back to his bed.

“I love you and it feels so good to be able to say that,” says John with a happy sigh, and he enfolds Rip in his arms.

“I love you too,” Rip replies, and he wraps his arms around John too.

“How does this work now? I mean, what do we do now?”

“Tonight? We hug and kiss and sleep,” says Rip. “Tomorrow… well, we’ll talk about this, and we’ll work out where we go next, but that is for tomorrow.”

“Okay, I can live with that,” says John, and he leans in and they kiss again.

For the first time in months, John is truly happy, and they sleep in each other’s arms.

*

Any new relationship takes time to settle, and this one is no exception. Neither of them really know how to negotiate this new thing that they’ve started, and it’s awkward to begin with, until they both decide that really the only thing that’s changed is that they can hug and kiss now, and say I love you without it being weird. They take things slowly when it comes to the physical side, and John is mildly shocked to find that Rip actually has very little experience, none in fact. Rip and his previous boyfriend broke up before they ever got to more than kissing. But that’s fine John isn’t about to rush Rip into anything that he doesn’t want.

John gets a job, except this time he keeps it. He needs to pay for his PI licence exams, so he has to stick this one out. This is office work, in the HR department of one of the large insurance companies. It’s still not exciting but it doesn’t leave him physically exhausted at the end of the day. They send him on a few useful training courses too that help him get the hang of computers, and he thinks some of it might even be transferrable to his PI work.

He studies in the evenings, going to night classes, and he works hard. He grieves for Astra, but it isn’t the only thing he can think about anymore. He moves out of his head and starts living again, going to gigs to listen to music, dragging Rip with him a lot of the time, but not always. And they finally have enough money to buy a TV and they watch Rip’s favourite movie on it to christen it. They cuddle up on the sofa together, with beers and snacks, and the flat feels like a home now.

John gets better. He feels hope. He loves Rip and together he’s pretty sure that they can do anything. It would be wrong to say that he never falls back into depression again, he has bad days and probably always will, but he knows that they’re just bad days. Rip never judges him for them, and he always helps. He knows him well enough to understand when he needs space and when he needs to be held, with everything in between as well.

He lies in bed one morning and looks at Rip, sleeping peacefully beside him, and realises that Rip isn’t just his home, Rip is his everything. Having Rip, having someone who loves him without condition, gives him the strength that he needs to move on. Rip can’t protect John from the world, but he damn well tries, and John loves him all the more for it.