#playing pugill was so fun

[sassylich]

Just finished Eelers choice and. 1. What is it with you and eldritch fish 2. Keep doing it pretty please

what can i say, i just love when horror is wet. the wetter the better

PS for those of y'all reading this that aren't anon: go listen to eeler's choice right now

[charlesmoffat]

So I have this minor character called "Boris the Beautiful" who has appeared in two of my fantasy novels thus far ("The Coven's Wolves" + "The Exorcist's Dagger") and he kinda looks like the man in the above meme getting his nose smashed in.

The above meme doesn't spoil anything that happens in those 2 books, but suffice to say, yes, Boris is a prizefighter. He plays a small role in TCW and a larger POV role in TED.

As someone who used to teach boxing I find it really enjoyable to include boxing (as a sport) in some of my books.

Thus far I have written the above 2 books, plus a 3rd book called "The Girl in the Red Hoodie", and a 4th nonfiction book about boxing that I sell under a pseudonym. (I prefer to sell some of my nonfiction work under a pseudonym so that I keep them separate.)

The 3rd book mentioned above is a boxing vigilante action thriller/alternative history book that takes place in Toronto during 2020. A version of 2020 in which the COVID pandemic never happened, but lots of other stuff did happen... And judging by the book cover (it isn't a spoiler if it's on the cover, right?) the CN Tower gets destroyed by terrorists.

I have also thought about writing a book about the history of boxing, which would be another nonfiction book published under a pseudonym. So we'll see what happens.

So that would be a 5th book, since we're counting, plus another fantasy book (a 6th) in which Boris returns to play his role once more. (I am so tempted to just write a whole book about Boris, he is such a fun character to write.)

And one more... An autobiographical book about 4 different times I nearly died, including one incident where boxing saved my life. I would be writing that one partially for therapeutic reasons.

I am still alive today thanks to boxing. Not bad for a sport devoted towards scoring points via pugilism.

So if I wrote all of those new books I would bring the total to 7. Almost as much as the number of books I have written containing archery... But that's a topic for another day.

[therisingphoenixden]

Prompt #13: Good Healers are Hard to Find

Prompt: Confluence

Characters: Berude Eijinn, Arenvald Lentinus, Alphinaud Levilleur, Urianger Augurelt

Content Warnings: Patch 3.5 quest spoilers, kind of??? Also spoilers for that quest in Heavensward msq. You know the one, “A Knight’s Duty”.

Author’s Notes: In which the author falls back on the old “write what you know” deal. I started playing MMOs 11 years ago, when WoW had just launched Cataclysm (I started playing before patch 4.1). I was content to just dps as a survival hunter (RIP ranged survival) until my guild needed a resto shaman to clear Dragon Soul in 4.3. So I rolled one up and I struggled at first. So I decided to write about how Ru picked up astrologian, which is easily my favorite healing job.

The diagrams and sigils began blurring on the page as a sharp pain bloomed between Berude’s eyes. Her fingers began massaging her temples before covering her face with a groan. “Azim, Nhaama, and the Twelve give me strength!” She collapsed at the table, burying her head in her arms as her pleas to fourteen different deities went unanswered. “Try learning astrology, I thought! It should be fun!” Her tone was all too silly and mocked herself a few days prior, during a visit to Ishgard recently to check the hunt board.

While nothing appealed to her, she had wandered the city until she found her way to the Athenium Astrologica. On a lark, she stepped in and suddenly found herself enlisted to learn astrology from visiting Sharlayan dignitaries in Quarrymill. 

Until one of the astrologers was kidnapped by bandits just outside Quarrymill and she had the dumb luck to pick up the soul crystal he tossed her way. Had the old man known?

He had been rescued eventually and sent back to Sharlayan to recover, but it was too late. The soul crystal had bonded to her, and she was determined to see this through.

Even if all of this studying was giving her a headache.

Berude knew she could heal if she just put her mind to it. But this was a far different discipline than anything else she had trained for. She had been an archer in the Steppe, then took up the art of pugilism when she arrived in Ul’dah. Before the bloody banquet, Thancred and Yugiri took it upon themselves to train her with daggers and the shinobi arts.

Not once had she ever cast magick.

But at least the Waking Sands was a quiet enough retreat for her studies. Even though her practicing partner, Arenvald, was less than thrilled.

“D’ya need a moment?” He was kind enough to voice his concern for her wellbeing, although the trepidation in his tone shone through.

With a heavy sigh, she lifted her head. “You are excused for now, Arenvald,” she mumbled. As he fled, she reached back and untied her hair from its bun.

It only slightly eased the tension between her eyes.

“Masters Alphinaud and Urianger!” She heard Arenvald yelp. “Ye might want t’have a word with the Lady Warrior.” She turned her head and saw him pointing at her, where she was still hunched over the thick tome Leveva had given to her. Having been caught like a child stealing boortsog before a meal, Arenvald scampered off to another part of the main gathering room.

Alphinaud ran over and nearly tripped over his own feet in his haste to greet her. “Berude, you’re back later than I expected,” he rambled. “Is aught amiss?” His eyes fell upon the tome.

Berude winced as his eyes widened. “There was…an incident that led me to Quarrymill. And this.” She withdrew the amber colored soul crystal from her bags and set it gently on the table. “It responded a little too well to my aether.” 

She could sense Urianger behind her, but wasn’t prepared for him to lean down and examine the tome as well. “Oft have I wondered at the studies of Sharlayan astrologians,” he murmured thoughtfully. “The portents they read within the firmament are as valid as any penned by a sage.”

Berude fought the urge to slam her head against the table and scream in frustration. She had been studying for hours and still felt no closer to understanding astrology. “It feels a bit much to wrap my head around, but I am determined to learn.” If she had wandered into the Athenium Astrologica as soon as she had arrived in Ishgard, perhaps things would be very different. If she could have aided Alphinaud with his attempts to heal Haurchefant…

Alphinaud…heal…

Hadn’t Urianger also aided her with a few burns after her fight with Ramuh?

Suddenly, it clicked. Looking between the two elezen, one whom she had come to love as a son and the other whom she respected greatly now that their relationship was thawing from the ice of betrayal, she could think of none better to ask. “Teach me,” she blurted out unexpectedly, her cheeks turning pink. “I-I mean, if you’re both amenable to it, that is.”

“I confess, it would fill the time while we wait for intel regarding the Griffon’s next move,” Alphinaud decided, a smile growing across his face. “Berude, I would be honored to help teach you!”

Urianger nodded in agreement. “T’is wisdom in seeking the aid of others. Thine obvious talents have thus far been exemplary in the martial. That the soul crystal chose thee is no mere coincidence.” He watched the crystal flare from a dull topaz to a brilliant amber when she touched it and hummed to himself. For any soul crystal to react that fiercely meant only one thing. “Thy aptitude is apparent. We needs only unlock it for thine true potential to shine.”

She wrinkled her nose as she tried to decipher whether or not what Urianger said was a compliment and tried not to make her stress headache too apparent. “My thanks to both of you. Truly.” A small smile twitched at the corners of her lips, but between the pain in her head and the sorrow that still clung to her heart, it faded all too quickly.

“You can thank us properly with pastries from the Bismark,” Alphinaud proposed. His grin might have been impish, but his eyes were serious. “Casting spells will take a lot out of you, especially when you’re not used to it.”

Berude quickly found some spare parchment and jotted down Alphinaud��s instruction: “Eat before casting A LOT.” While she had been writing, Urianger settled in the seat across from her. “Thy first task will be to rid thyself of thine headache.” He nodded to the parchment and withdrew his own writing implement. “During the battle against the Lord of Levin, I had observed the capability within thineself to heal as the battle progressed.” It had been an honor to glimpse Ramuh’s trial, not only having borne witness to the Lord of Levin’s might, but also the auri woman’s. “I recall a technique thou used in the fight that granted thine fists the property of healing injuries while damaging the primal.”

He began sketching out a diagram on the parchment. “‘Twas an act of harnessing thine own aether inward to protect thyself,” he pointed at the rather accurate outline of an auri woman in a monk’s fighting pose, with several dashes flowing from her body to her fists. “The discipline thou wishes to undertake is similar in concept.”

Alphinaud nodded as Urianger sketched out two more figures - a hyur and a miqo’te this time. “Correct. Instead of channeling your aether into your fists to repair damage to yourself as you punch others, it’s channeling your aether outward to heal another.” His finger hovered over the still-wet ink of the dashes flowing from the hyur’s hands to the miqo’te. “It’s often easier to channel from oneself to another with the aid of a focus.”

“Hast thou been provided a proper focus?” 

At Urianger’s question, Berude nodded and produced the star globe, also a gift from Leveva and she could have sworn she saw his lips twitch into the slightest of smiles.

“Would she need a focus for a simple task in healing herself?”

“‘Tis better to practice with the proper tools.” It seemed that Urianger would not budge on this. 

She closed her eyes and listened carefully to his instructions. It was not unlike when she was young and first learned how to use a bow - steady breaths, focus, intent in mind. Alphinaud added his own tips, but they were lost in the low timbre of Urianger’s voice.

Berude felt the soothing tingling of healing magicks around her fingers and touched her forehead. The spell released like a bowstring and relief surged through her.

When she opened her eyes, the pain between her brows was gone!

-

A few weeks later and there was still no word regarding the Griffon, but the trio had made excellent progress in Berude’s training. They had set up on the other side of the tunnel to Vesper Bay, this time with Arenvald in tow.

Today’s exercise was to keep the Ala Mhigan warrior standing amid an onslaught of spells under promise of a proper aurochs steak dinner.

“Once more,” Urianger commanded as he and Alphinaud drew their tomes. Two carbuncles, one amber and the other onyx, sprang forth after a momentary incantation. “I have every confidence thou will succeed, my lady.”

Berude nodded and drew her star globe. She watched Arenvald who stood tall and proud, but noticed his tightly-clenched fists. She would not fail him, even though this exercise wasn’t designed to be lethal.

“I’m ready,” Arenvald said, no tremor in his voice to betray his nerves. “Begin.”

The two arcanists cast before Berude was ready, Alphinaud causing a dark cloud to enshroud Arenvald’s face as Urianger sent the young man to sleep.

“Always anticipate thine enemy’s actions,” Urianger shouted across the makeshift battlefield. “Thou knowest well not all will act honorably.”

Adapting quickly, she threw a hand out to double-cast Esuna before drawing The Ewer, The Bower, and the Lady of Crowns. She felt enlightened by the cards and threw her hand out once more, a shield of stars held together by golden strands of magick enveloping Arenvald just before a Run and an Energy Drain slammed into it.

The shield wavered and flickered for a moment, but reconstituted almost instantly. It held strong against repeated Ruins and the carbuncles slamming into it. Sweat began beading on her forehead as she held the shield, then dull pain as a Ruin from Alphinaud grazed her side. His expression was remorseful for the action, but it had to be done. The shield fell, leaving Arenvald to the mercy of the arcanists. Two Ruins collided with the young man as the carbuncles attempted to knock him to the ground.

No! She would not falter here! Staring at her star globe, Berude channeled her aether into a maelstrom of healing stardust that renewed both herself and Arenvald.

It was only too late she realized her error, as everything around her grew fuzzy at the edges. Then the world went black.

When she came around, she was cradled in someone’s arms. The texture of fabric under her cheek felt like fine hempen cloth, smelling of ink, leather, parchment, tea, and something she couldn’t quite place. “Apologies, my lady,” the low timbre of the speaker’s voice rumbled through her and gave away the identity of the kind soul carrying her. Urianger carefully carried her down the stairs leading to the Waking Sands.

“I burned through my aether too quickly,” she murmured sadly. A hum rumbled through her horns and she bit her lip at the sudden fluttering she felt in her stomach.

“‘Tis progress for thee to spot errors so quickly in thine technique,” he murmured, ignoring the way his heart clenched at her despondent expression. “Not a failing.”

“Truly,” Alphinaud piped up, helping a limping Arenvald down the steps. Apparently the carbuncles had done a number on his shins after the shield broke. “This was just practice. With more experience, you’ll know when to pace yourself.” He lightly elbowed his charge, who was about to grumble something. “Now, you’ll need time to rest up while I tend to Arenvald’s shins.”

Berude found herself heartened by their words, even Arenvald’s grumbling, and she could not have asked for better men to come together and teach her.

[illegiblewords]

Eir Rue

New Adventurer → A Realm Reborn → Heavensward → Stormblood → Shadowbringers → Main Armor

Eir was difficult to figure out for me in part because I am still sorting out some details of her backstory. The gist of it is that she was born Ala Mhigan but was sent away to Ul’dah when she was very young, and wound up watched over by her big brother. He picked up pugilism and became a monk as per his Ala Mhigan roots, but Eir had no knack for pugilism. She did have potential to be a gladiator and had a ton of admiration for Raubahn, but Eir’s brother saw how much tragedy and exploitation of Ala Mhigans came out of the blood sands and was adamantly against that for Eir. She was furious about this and wanted a means to protect both herself and others, had zero talent for casting, and went to Limsa Lominsa to train as a marauder instead. Part of what’s fun about Eir for me is that she feels torn between a lot of different aspects of her identity. She has tomboy/lad-ette elements for sure, knows she’s insanely strong and takes a lot of pride in how good she is in a fight--but she has admiration for femininity too, and when it hits her that she's allowed to have that it’s something that makes her really happy. She also does want to be a protector, and realizing she has the power to break people both physically and emotionally is something that shakes her a lot when it sinks in. She’s like a bull in a china shop, but a bull in a china shop moving as slowly and carefully as a bull can. It’s not entirely in her nature but she tries her best to be gentle when it matters, and that aspiration is something I wanted to bring into her design at points. Likewise she does care about her heritage in Ala Mhigo, but she wasn’t raised there. The pieces of her birthplace are things she’s had to cobble together as best she can, but she’s also wound up with incredibly strong ties to the sea and that is decidedly a foreign influence. Imo she has a lot of hurricane energy--the electricity of Rhalgr in a storm, but also crashing waves and churning waters. I also personally, in terms of character design, wanted to make a traditional Ala Mhigan highlander girl who was fairly small and cute while wielding huge axes--who could bring a degree of grace to a weapon that is even animated to look heavy and cumbersome. This was partly to challenge the stereotypes and associations of Warriors, but also very much to challenge stereotypes and assumptions about highlander women. I’ve seen people assume highlander ladies are either conventionally sexy or ugly versus midlanders being pretty/cute, and I wanted to make a character who not only defied those assumptions but fit within what we’ve seen lore-wise for Ala Mhigans. I took some inspiration from Ilberd’s color scheme for that reason. The short hair for Eir is for some extra personal challenge, since I wanted to show that she could have short hair and not have it reduce her femininity. For glamours, the first outfit is essentially a “fresh from Limsa Lominsa, new adventurer” look. There’s a bit of nautical influence in some of her design there but she’s coming in both very girly and very much wielding a huge axe. It’s kind of her first step into the identity she’s building for herself, and I figure she’s young and a bit innocent. The second look would be post-Praetorium ARR/newly recognized Warrior of Light. Eir has a lot of freedom of movement and has taken on some traditional highlander style with the hempen top. She has a flower in her hair but it’s a much more rough-and-flexible approach overall than her initial outfit. (Disclaimer, I am very committed to the Final Fantasy tradition of “fuck practicality, A E S T H E T I C S” lmao. The biggest exceptions are basically temperature and even then I make zero promises.) The shire armor top is what I picture Eir going with for Heavensward. It is fancier and more polished as well as warmer, and I think Eir after the banquet incident in Ul’dah does want to fit in and find an air of legitimacy. She cleans up a bit more as Warrior of Light, but is still very in-touch with herself within the role as opposed to the imposter syndrome some of my WoLs deal with. The purple outfit is built around Ramuh’s axe, and I basically set up to feel closer levin/electricity as a Final Fantasy element for that tie to Rhalgr. It’s way more of an Ala Mhigan-influenced design and I think makes some sense for Eir going into Stormblood, even if temperature-wise Gyr Abania is a chilly desert rather than a hot desert. This is a bit different from what Eir usually wears on a lot of fronts, but I think it’s her trying to connect strongly with her heritage despite not having grown up Ala Mhigan. It was fun to give her a look that’s much more delicate on the whole. The Far Eastern outfit for Eir is more polished, covered, and highly feminine. To me, besides just me as creator having fun playing dress up I think it’s because Eir did have a blow to her confidence in Ala Mhigo when Zenos defeated her so badly. She covers up more, she pushes into femininity more, those things give her greater sense of confidence. While she tries to fit in to an extent, she’s also trying to inspire confidence in both herself and others. The more military outfit that follows is Eir focusing more intently on her position as a soldier toward the end of Stormblood, as well as her position within the Eorzean alliance. It’s more business-oriented and practical, more about doing than trying to convince herself or others of who/what she is. The Hellfire/Shadowbringers armor is Eir kind of stepping into her own more too as a Warrior of Light. It doesn’t really stress history so much but does play into the things Eir herself perceives as powerful, in femininity and in battle. And Eir’s default armor is very Ala Mhigan while retaining the war skirt. There is intricacy and delicacy in details, but the strength of the armor is just as clearly emphasized throughout. Also, bull horn helm. She keeps the blue that is a common theme through most of her glamours and ties her to the sea, but it coexists with her history.

[weatherman667]

Dex

A 2d Cyberpunk Metroidvania that really has no idea what it’s doing.  Definitely not bad, but basically just throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks.

Story:  The game steals it’s intro from the Matrix, with you having to jump out a window from evil agents after you.  After doing exactly what you are told for a while, (which, there is nothing more cyberpunk than doing exactly what you are told), you end up being explicitly told that you are the physical incarnation of a benevolent AI that will save the world from the evil Illuminati-like organization that is controlling the world.

They couldn’t have you start as a mysteriously good hacker and find out in the climax, no, it tells you before you’ve even learned to hack.  This is why you can hack without a jack.

Worldbuilding:  You are fighting The Complex, an evil organization that controls the world.  But, they don’t actually know how The Complex actually works, which makes it more difficult to fight.  Instead, you just keep doing exactly as you are told until you win.

Platforming:  Not bad, but they do a terrible job of helping you to navigate.  They also have tooltips CONSTANTLY popping up, because they’ve apparently never played a single other Metroidvania game in the last 10-15 years.

Combat:  Boring pugilism that incredibly inconsistently sometimes uses poorly implemented stealth sections.  A number of enemies use weapons that you cannot use.  Okay, maybe they have smart guns that sewer punks are authorized to use, but you aren’t.  But you can’t even pick up a crowbar, or a chain, or something.  Seriously, if you are going to make combat a thing, at least make it fun.  It can be simple and fun, like Rogue Dungeon or Hollow Knight.  Again, they have no concept of how they want combat to work, and so it just is.

Hacking:  Typical Smash TV hacking, but a little worse than any other I’ve played.  They have a mode that they call Augmented Reality, that is not in the slightest bit Augmented Reality.

[gcntlemxn]

william john stanhope, earl of bath and prime minister of great britain

Hey folks! I’m Flint and this is Bill Stanhope, who runs the country for some god damn reason. Under the cut will be some form of intro, but whether its gonna be a few bullet points or his entire bio copy and pasted remains to be seen. Let’s click and find out! Anyway, my discord is @trash lord#7277 so hmu for some plots. 

Full Name: William John Stanhope, 2nd Earl of Bath (3rd Creation)  Birth Date: 17th February  1756 (36 years old)  Birth Place: Stanhope Hall, Bath, Somerset  Current Location: 10 Downing Street, London

Religion: Church of England, Protestant (Loosely) Politics: Whig (Strongly; Leftist, authoritarian, democratic socialist) Languages: English, French, Greek, Latin Occupation: Politician; Prime Minister of Great Britain

Personality: Ambitious, generous, confident, secretive, loyal, intelligent, independent, brash, violent, diplomatic, bitter, serious, intemperate, unlucky.

How is your character viewed by the ton?

A somewhat controversial figure, Bath is known for two things; confrontation and rumour. Both make him unpopular with companions, yet a treat to have around, if only so one might stir gossip. As a politician, he is known to excel in debate. A staunch anti-traditionalist, he takes an aggressive approach to all matters of Parliament and seeks to run a government that serves its people — much to the chagrin of the aristocracy it has served for many hundreds of years. Therefore, the ton does not regard him favourably as he does not balk at making enemies in high places. Indeed, even on a personal level, he is contrary and loud spoken, never submitting to polite company or appropriate conversation, making it difficult to catch a break among those out for the season.

what are two potential plotlines you would be interested in exploring with your character?

Political intrigue sounds like it could be an extremely fun time in this rp, especially given the range of thought the characters show. A lot of Stanhope’s opinions directly intrude on the way other characters lead their lives, and he has the political platform to exercise against them, the greater aristocracy, and especially the tories and Royalists among them. I look forward to exploring this and playing out some controversy with the other characters. 

Personally, he has plenty of issues to contend with as well. While he begins the rp as the recently elected prime minister of britain, he has a lot to contend with and I foresee things deteriorating fast for him. His combative personality and myriad of dangerous and scandalous secrets from his past will gradually make him vulnerable. Perhaps to the delight of his many critics, especially given the merciless regard he has for them. It’s hard to predict where this will take him, but I look forward to him growing a bit more dangerous because of it. 

how does your character’s early life differ from their current life?

One could never call William Stanhope poor, but comparatively, he was once a nobody. There has seldom been a time he wasn’t in another’s shadow, that of parents, siblings and partners. He prides himself on learning much from this time and today uses it to his advantage. 

These days, he has power, but he’ll never grow complacent of it. At times, he finds himself floundering, as he was never brought up with any expectation of achievement and has, for the most part, taught himself everything he knows. Yet he doesn’t stand by and let things happen to him as he did in his youth. Today, his actions are swift and derisive. Meekness is still melting from him, burned away by a steadily growing radical fire that has made him such a compelling political candidate. Those that knew him as a boy would recognise little of the grown man. 

how does this character’s reputation differ from who they actually are?

Reputation trickles down. It is decided by those in power and dispensed to those without it, who, possessing their keen appetite to resemble the rich, eat what they are fed and regurgitate in kind. 

And so, it is his opposition that dictates him as a crass and cold hearted socialist, skimming money with one hand to pay mollys with the other, using any spare farthings on drink and smoke. 

In reality, he has never spent a penny he hasn’t earned and prides himself on hopefully being rather more discreet about his personal purchases than the lascivious rumours would suggest. 

As for his countenance, it is no small wonder that the pigs across the benches label him a cruel tyrant when it is their self-serving decadence and traditionalism that he sets out to dismantle. Those loyal to him receive a far different, smiling face. In truth, he might call none of them friends, yet he has many allies. 

how does your character view themselves? 

At once an egoist and a pariah, he has a poetic and self-critical view of himself. Over exaggerating his own importance, yet never falling back into the crutches of propriety as he keeps close countenance with the unwashed masses he strives to support. He struggles to call himself a saviour of the people, yet that is all he wishes to be. A struggler is, altogether, perhaps the best word he could find for himself. Every good action counters another he regrets, yet the regrets pile up as he struggles against addiction and faltering willpower in the face of his vices. This part of himself does not please him. Yet it is the fuel of his flame, compelling him forward to do better in return. He’d call himself a messianic leftist, but identifies more with the iron fist of a dictator than the welcoming smile of the prophet. And, lastly, he’d call himself an isolationist. People bother him. As concepts, they are magnificent, and without hesitation he will commend a man’s rights until the last line of the law. Yet he’d sooner rather his supper alone. Perhaps read a book. At every opportunity, his seat is left empty at soirees and celebrations. The intimate company of a handsome gentleman, a trusted advisor, his wife or, before his death, his beau would always be a thousand times more preferable than the stink of a crowd of clammering politicians. 

is this character a leader or follower? 

In general, a leader. One must be to rise to his heights and overcome his supposedly humble beginnings. He takes no issue in commanding, dividing, conquering. Believing, for the most part, in his own intelligence, he takes confidence in enacting laws, advising budgets, hiring, firing, fighting. 

At times, he follows. He holds the opinion of few in value; his wife, his closest allies. Beyond that, the will of the people is his own. That is, after all, the entire concept of his campaign and candidacy. True democracy, as much as such is impossible in a proto-industrialist age, keeps him somewhat subservient to the will of the people and he will always act in their favour. 

At times, he may be taken advantage of, swept up in good feeling and the easy charm of another. There is talk that his wife takes too much control of him, speaks too frequently in his ear, but he will scoff at such claims despite their truth. In another world, she would be a better politician than he. As it stand, they are a double act; she the only recipient of his utter trust, and he her loyal adept. 

what are two headcannons you have for this character?

A man of many secrets, he covers a violent past with thin gossamer. Once a rioter and public campaigner, he’s given speeches to rabble in Trafalgar Square for many years and thrown punches in strikes and food riots for the sheer thrill of it. Now, society requires him to tighten his cravat and smile. It is a struggle to keep his buttons fastened to tight. 

Political pugilism not withstanding, chief among his secrets are as follows; a drinking habit, through which his penchant for violence thrives, along with other behaviours unbecoming of his status; a fondness for opiates, of which he now takes delivered home, where once he might have lounged in dens and at least had some damn fun with it. 

Lastly, there is the matter of his homosexuality. It is something he had always been aware of within himself, first culminating in the frightfully storybook fumblings with a stablehand. Less fable, perhaps, is that the older boy threatened to tell. In terror, William claimed assault to his own father and had the boy dismissed without reference. 

In later years, William gained confidence in his attractions, sought out clubs and friends among whom he could be himself. Through the years, he had had many short lived relationships, mostly amounting to a mere handful of nights in one another’s company before slipping away forever. Among this number, only one stands out. For many years, Stanhope kept a young man on payroll; an unusually exclusive molly, awarded his own, modest apartments, clothing, salary and the sole beneficiary of William’s genuine adoration. Francis was his name. He’s dead now. As nobody ever knew of his existence, none will ever ask William how.

[hirazuki]

How did you get into swordsmanship (both in terms of how you became interested in it and how you were able to pursue that interest)? Wishing you luck on your commission btw, watercolors are scary o.o

So, I’ve been obsessed with swords since I was old enough to know what they are! I can’t really give a specific reason, other than I’ve always gravitated towards them -- I’ve always played sword-wielding classes in video games, the vast majority of my favorite characters have always been either swordsmen outright or those who favor a sword in combat (if multiple characters use different kinds of swords, it always seems to be the katana wielder XD), etc. It started out as a fixation of mine in media, and then once I was able to actually try it out for myself, I discovered that holding a sword in my hands just feels very right and natural. It’s a wonderful feeling like no other, and even though there can be a lot of frustration in training, finding your zone and falling into a kind of zen mode while swinging away is so meditative. It’s very calming but energizing at the same time, and super addictive :D Things like sparring, puzzling out techniques with your training partners, and just sword culture in general are also things I greatly enjoy.

I wasn’t able to look into practicing swordsmanship myself until I was in undergrad. Where I lived in Greece, there was only Olympic fencing available and I wasn’t interested in the sport variety of sword; plus, my parents are anti exercise/martial arts/any kind of physical fitness, especially for women, so I had to wait until I was on my own to pursue it. They still disapprove of it and of my working out in general lol My university offered a couple of martial arts classes for Physical Education, and one was Renaissance Fencing (using Italian rapier and dagger), so I went with that and really enjoyed it! I followed it up with German longsword the next semester and liked that too, even more so than the rapier. That was it for sword classes, sadly, so I tried archery the next year -- that was fun, but it also made me realize that I just really like having a sword in my hands and I prefer close combat over ranged. I had to give up sword for the rest of my undergrad days (no further course offerings and also crazy class schedule of my own lmao), but when I went to Scotland for grad school, I immediately looked up sword classes. I found a really awesome group that primarily did Scottish backsword, but also offered rapier, cloak & dagger, staff, and pugilism. I only had time for the backsword portion, but it became my favorite type of sword at the time -- the instructor and my classmates were wonderful too, one of the best experiences I’ve had.

Due to moving around and financial reasons, I wasn’t able to pursue sword for a few years after than. Once things settled down, I looked around my new area but couldn’t find any European sword schools to my liking -- it was all too reenactment/historical treatise based and not enough combat-effective focused for me. But I noticed that there were a bunch of Japanese sword schools around -- I hadn’t done any Asian sword styles simply because they hadn’t been available in the places I had lived at the time, so I thought it might be cool to check them out. I found an incredible school (... that later became not so incredible, but ANYWAY), and quickly fell in love with the katana. It is by far my favorite type of sword. I’ve stuck with it since, and even though I’m not with a school right now, I still practice. I had found a new school back in February that I was going to try out with my training partners, but then covid hit X_X

So, basically, it’s just been a combination of luck and really determined researching/looking around to see what’s available. There’s usually at least one sword school around in any given city (unless you’re out in the middle of nowhere), though whether it offers legitimate instruction or is what the martial arts community calls a “McDojo” is another question. In general though, I do think there are a lot more options out there that are easily accessible than people realize, you just need to look around!

[junker-town]

10 silly events that could make the Pro Bowl Skills Showdown even better

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Hole in the Wall! Legends of the Hidden Temple! Hot dogs!

The NFL Pro Bowl is the opposite of fun, at least for most viewers at home. I’m sure the vast majority of players enjoy the experience, especially if it’s their first time. But other than the occasional chuckle at this, this, this or that antic, it’s barely competition and therefore loses a big reason why we all watch sports to begin with.

The Pro Bowl Skills Showdown, however, is pretty dang fun. There are events like dodgeball, drones dropping footballs, and relay races. But the NFL should expand it even more. I’m not talking just making it longer or including more players or even increasing the stakes. I’m talking about some America Ninja Warrior and Legends of the Hidden Temple stuff.

I want to see Akiem Hicks battle Geno Atkins with American Gladiator-style pugil sticks on top of a narrow platform. I want to see if Saquon Barkley can conquer Ninja Warrior’s warped wall. I want a two-man sack race pitting the AFC’s punter/kicker combo against the NFC’s. The dumber, the better. Let’s make it weird.

Fortunately, the NFL did expand things a bit this year, and the events they have added seem fun — a revamped gridiron gauntlet and a “40-yard-splash,” which is the league’s version of a fire bucket brigade — but I want them to go so much further. How much further? Well, here are my suggestions.

1. HOLE IN THE WALL

This is first and is given the proper treatment of ALL CAPS because it’s GREAT. I mean, it’s not — it’s dumb and the worst. But it’s also great. Do you understand? Doesn’t matter, watch these people get owned.

2. The Temple Run from Legends of the Hidden Temple

If you’re unfamiliar with the Temple Run, it’s basically among the scariest damn things that a child can go through. Legends of the Hidden Temple is a competitive game pitting two teams against each other, and the Temple Run includes the winning team going through a series of rooms within the temple, completing tasks.

AND THERE ARE FREAKY AS HELL TEMPLE GUARDS THAT JUST GRAB YOU AND TAKE YOU AWAY AND YOU’RE NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN (PROBABLY).

And yes, I do want teams to be designated between the Red Jaguars, Blue Barracudas, Green Monkeys, Orange Iguanas, Purple Parrots, and Silver Snakes.

3. Street Fighter II

I play a lot of video games, and in trying to come up with a good one for this list, I tried to find one that was popular enough that the NFL players would be familiar with it. Well that, and one that was SERIOUS DAMN BUSINESS. Growing up, at the arcade nothing determined your worth as a human better than some Street Fighter II, or perhaps Mortal Kombat II.

4. 40-yard hopscotch dash

Because we’re dealing with some of the best athletes in the world, 40 yards can often feel like it’s not really that far. But, speaking as someone incredibly lazy, it’s pretty dang far. And if you’re also navigating a hopscotch course, it’s even farther. Bonus points if this game is relegated to punters, kickers, and linemen.

5. Literally anything from Ninja Warrior

As a program, Ninja Warrior is entertaining enough. There’s a lot more talking about the contestants than I’d prefer — I’d rather just watch those idiots get hit by a giant swinging log or slip off a fake rock and fall into water. Not only is Ninja Warrior an actually impressive test of strength, agility, and skill, it’s also got the gnarly “Warped Wall.” I want to see EVERYBODY at the Pro Bowl take on the Warped Wall.

6. Offensive lineman hula hoop contest

As a big guy, I’m not here to body shame anyone. Hula hooping looks silly regardless of who is doing it. But let’s be honest, you want to see Quenton Nelson vs. Trent Williams in a hula hooping contest. You really, really do.

7. 4-on-4 Rock Band

Vocals, guitar, bass, and drums. Let’s see who can rock the best, and who has the most beautiful voice.

Suggested setlist:

Bonnie Tyler - “Total Eclipse of the Heart” Mastodon - “Blood and Thunder” Carrie Underwood - “Before He Cheats” Commodores - “Brick House” Babymetal - “Gimme Chocolate!!”

But I mean, there are literally thousands to choose from.

8. Any out-of-position drill

This one is pretty self-explanatory. The NFL does this partially now by having two quarterbacks and one non-quarterback in the accuracy drills, but I want more. I want to see every single player do the accuracy contest. I want to see everybody on the field try to kick a field goal. I want to see how many players try the over-the-shoulder catch drill and get nailed in the back of the head.

9. Human hamster ball race

Who is the fastest player at the Pro Bowl? Who cares?!

Who is the fastest player at the Pro Bowl when it comes to human-sized hamster balls?! I have no idea! Neither do you! Let’s find out.

10. Hot dog eating contest

The greatest of American traditions (and also probably everywhere else because competitive eating is actually kind of a big deal), officiated by Joey Chestnut himself. Let’s see who can pack away the most dogs in a set time. Good thing Vince Wilfork is still retired.

[lalagogo]

The Miqo’te Dance Troupe: A look at Dodon’s five mothers

Qi’shta Yahmara .. The eldest of the troupe, Qi’shta herself was once an adventurer who traveled all of Eorzea slaying monsters and doing contract work for glory and coin. Eventually tiring of all the dungeon-crawling and contract work, she moved back to Ul’dah to try and make a life for herself, where she met Ohma and-- together-- they began their dance troupe.

Miss Yahmara is not only a practiced fighter who once encouraged the rest of the troupe to learn self-defense (eventually teaching Dodon the art of pugilism) but also a versatile smithy. A master of both blacksmithing and armorsmithing, she had even begun studying goldsmithing shortly before Dodon left the caravan. While not quite the “den mother” figure that Ohma is, Qi’shta is fiercely protective of the other women, and is the first to throw a punch if any of the fans get a little too “handsy”.

While once a heavy drinker, Qi’shta eventually cut back on her consumption not only because it was affecting her dancing, but because she knew Dodon’s biological father had been an alcoholic, and that the young Lalafell worried about her often. Now that he’s an adult, she encourages her son to sit with her and have a drink when they meet, because “there’s nothing like a stiff ale with family.” In moderation, of course.

Ohma Ma’hoto .. Ohma was born and raised in Ul’dah. Her mother was a dancer- her grandmother, a dancer before her- and she too was born with a passion for the art. Not content to merely dance on the Steps of Nald, though, Ohma had dreams of joining a troupe and traveling Eorza by caravan. But when she met Qi’shta, those dreams turned to not only founding, but leading her own troupe, and she made those dreams a reality.

Known in the troupe as the “den mother”, Ohma not only taught the others how to perfect their dancing and lead the troupe’s routine, but she also drives the caravan, cooks the meals, and cares for the Chocobos-- there’s no doubt that instilled a love for both the birds, and hard work, into her adopted son Dodon. She has a gentle, caring approach, and loves both her Miqo’te sisters and her Lalafell son as if they were her own flesh and blood.

Ohma went on to fall in love with a young Hyur merchant who would eventually become Dodon’s mentor. Although they were betrothed, the man died during the Calamity, and she closed herself off to suitors for some years after. Recently, and much to Dodon’s chagrin, she has begun dating again.

Tihila Ni’xila .. Originally having no interest in dance, this Miqo’te merely planned to snag a rich adventurer at the end of his prime and wait for the fool to keel over so she’d be left with his money. Her sister encouraged her to pick up a job while she was waiting for this “mystery man” to swoop in, though, and so Tihila-- along with said sister-- joined the dance troupe as a passing fancy in the hopes of making some quick coin.

Despite being clever for her young age (Ohma often said Tihila was a schemer among Miqo’tes), she had no “natural talent”, and had to practice the most out of the troupe to stay on cue with the rest. She would try to cut corners, which would often get her scolded by both Ohma and Qi’shta. Eventually, they even threatened to cut her from the troupe. Surprised by the realization that she had not only grown to love both dance and her new family, Tihila began showing vast improvement, so she wouldn’t lose her job.

Interestingly enough, Tihila does have a natural talent with a needle. She not only designed the troupe’s outfits, but sewed them herself. The other Miqo’te have commented that Tihila could be a master clothier if she ever decided to quit dancing, but she denies it, as she’d never dream of leaving them. When Dodon was old enough, Tihila took the “fun aunt” role upon herself very quickly, and encouraged in him his love of coin and play.

Miha Ni’xila .. Tihila’s sister, Miha, shared her kin’s love of coin but less-so her love of chicanery. Although older by only a day, she considered herself years more mature than Tihila, and so sought to drag her sibling by the scruff of her neck all the way from Limsa Lominsa to Ul’dah in the hopes of finding a job and making some honest money.. whereupon she found Ohma’s dance troupe, and promptly signed them both up.

Although quite a bit more naturally talented than her sister at the art, Miha’s lack of natural interest in dance has caused her to fall behind Tihila in the routine more than once. She finds herself more obsessed with studying the flora and fauna of Eorzea in their travels, having swelled with a fascination for nature, and it’s alchemical applications. Miha’s interest in alchemy has gotten more than one finger wag from Ohma (and even Tihila, on occasion), especially since it’s caused her to ditch practice.. but she’s hard-pressed for punishment, since despite a lack of practice, she still shows passable results.

After the troupe adopted Dodon, Miha attempted to take the Lalafell under her wing. When he chose to study under a merchant rather than focusing all his time and effort on alchemy as she did, however, her relationship with him waned, and remains terse to this day. Despite this, they consider each other family, and express love for one-another.

Na’hla Purah .. A Keeper of the Moon from Gridania, Nah’la became the most recent addition to the troupe when she accidentally hurt a fellow hunter out in the forest one day and laid her bow down in shame. Rather than facing her problems out in the Shroud, she went as far as Thanalan with only the clothes on her back before her food and water eventually ran out, and a caravan happened upon her by chance.

Four of her fellow Miqo’te took her in, weaved her new clothes, cooked her a warm meal, brewed her medicine for her wounds, and even fought off a small contingent of mercenaries who had hunted Nah’la all the way from Gridania. Moved by their kindness, she joined their troupe-- not as a dancer, originally, but more like a worker “in debt”. Of course, neither Ohma nor the others cared for it, so they offered her a job as part of the troupe instead.

Despite not being a Seeker like them, Nah’la chose to adjust to their lifestyle and stayed. Because of her differences and being newer to the troupe, she’s often seen as the “little sister” of the group, although she’s older than both Tihila and Miha. Dodon was adopted merely a year after she joined; originally apprehensive about a child, Nah’la would eventually grow to love the young Lalafell, and take the boy out on hunts.

[hellofastestnewsfan]

Have we learned nothing? In 2016, very few political writers, myself emphatically included, thought Donald Trump would win the Republican nomination, let alone the presidency. Very few thought Bernie Sanders would win 23 states and 13 million votes in his Democratic-primary battle with Hillary Clinton.

The voters were lousy prognosticators too. Although polls generally suggested that Sanders would fare better against Trump, voters overwhelmingly believed Hillary Clinton had a better chance of winning the general election. And in the closing weeks of the 2016 campaign, they overwhelmingly predicted that Clinton, not Trump, would triumph.

The point is that we, and they, simply don’t know. Electability is extremely hard to predict. And when pundits discuss it, they often rely on unstated and dubious assumptions—which usually lead them to predict that the most centrist candidate with the most establishment support is the person general-election voters will like best.

[Read: A cheat sheet to the 2020 U.S. presidential race]

All this glib talk about electability has a cost. It leads commentators, often implicitly, to give “electable” candidates a pass when their policy views are fuzzy or flat-out wrong. So what should journalists do? It’s simple: Spend less time discussing which candidates can win the presidency and more time discussing what they’d do if they actually won.

To grasp how questionable much of the discourse surrounding “electability” is, consider the two candidates who, according to conventional wisdom, are considered best able to defeat Trump in 2020. The first is Joe Biden. The reason: As a Washington Post headline put it last fall, “Biden Appeals to Working-Class Whites Who Defected to Trump.”

But does he really? The evidence suggests that most of the voters who supported Barack Obama and then Trump are not Democrats who “defected” to Trump. They’re Republicans or Republican-leaning independents who “defected” to Obama and in the years since have grown ever more ensconced in the GOP. So it’s not clear that any Democratic candidate could lure many of them away from Trump next year.

Nor is it obvious that Biden would be best suited to doing so. Yes, his race and gender might prove an advantage. Yes, he might be harder to tar as a socialist radical. But Biden supported NAFTA and the Iraq War, and he’s been a Washington insider for almost a half century. In 2016, Trump voters expressed their deep pessimism about the state of the country by voting for radical disruption. If some have now lost faith in Trump, and thus grown even more disillusioned with politics than they were before, wouldn’t they look for a different species of disrupter, perhaps an anti-establishment populist such as Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren? Why go for the Democratic candidate who, more than almost any other, represents the pre-Trump status quo?

[Rahm Emanuel: How not to lose to Donald Trump]

And even if Biden did prove better able to win back working-class whites than his competitors, could he rouse the Democratic Party’s African American and female base? The fact that his advisers are reportedly considering asking Stacey Abrams to be his running mate suggests that they themselves have doubts. But if choosing Abrams boosts Biden among women and people of color, why wouldn’t it hurt him among white men who backed Trump?

Do these questions mean Biden is less electable than other candidates? Not at all. What they mean is that we really don’t know.

It’s the same with Beto O’Rourke. His boosters say he’s like Obama: appealing to moderate whites because of his unifying, upbeat message, but also rousing to progressives, who find him idealistic and inspirational. As one Democratic bundler told Politico, “He’s Barack Obama, but white.” But the white part matters. You can’t assume O’Rourke is more electable than Kamala Harris or Cory Booker without explaining how O’Rourke could match the epic African American turnout numbers that Obama elicited in 2008 and 2012, but that Clinton did not match in 2016.

Moreover, saying that O’Rourke would appeal to “moderate” or “centrist” whites glosses over a critical distinction: It depends on which “moderates” we’re talking about. O’Rourke’s cultural liberalism, pro-business background, and unifying, optimistic rhetoric might serve him well among the upper-middle-class Democrats and independents who admire Michael Bloomberg. But is a candidate who has backed Trade Promotion Authority and praised NAFTA best suited to winning back working-class voters in the industrial midwestern states that gave Trump the presidency? In a recent interview with Thomas B. Edsall of The New York Times, Paul A. Sracic, a political scientist at Youngstown State University, suggested that “O’Rourke’s vague, ‘We all need to come together’ message will not resonate with people who see life as a battle. Working class voters believe in pugilistic politics.” Why is Sracic’s take less plausible than that breathless Democratic bundler’s?

[Reihan Salam: Beto O’Rourke was right, and Democrats might not forgive him]

Anyone can play this game. Maybe Sanders is the most electable because his pugilism can win over anti-establishment, anti-corporate Trump voters while eliciting a vast turnout among Millennials? Maybe Warren is the most electable because she’s as passionate as Bernie but more substantive and less radical, and she’ll inspire women as well? Maybe Harris is the most electable because she can replicate Obama’s massive African American numbers while pivoting to the center in a way white candidates can’t? Maybe Booker is the most electable because his message is as positive and unifying as O’Rourke’s, but he’ll do better among African Americans, and his unabashed religiosity will prove a secret weapon with evangelicals?

All these narratives are superficially plausible, and all of them could be nonsense. No one knows. And by embracing some while dismissing others, journalists—sometimes unwittingly—create a double standard for evaluating candidates. It’s fine that O’Rourke is less substantive than Warren, political handicappers imply, because he’s better able to beat Trump, which is what matters most. Let’s not credit Sanders for opposing the Iraq War, which Biden supported, because it’s better to nominate a more hawkish Democrat who can win than a dove who will lose.

The irony is that many political commentators think it’s easier to have an informed opinion about electability than about policy. It’s actually harder. If you want to know which candidate was correct about deregulation or the Iraq War, or whose health-care plan will cover the most people at the lowest cost, you can talk to experts, assemble facts, and come to a reasonable conclusion. Deciding which candidate can best beat Trump is more like looking at someone’s zodiac sign and predicting his or her future. It may be a fun hobby, but it’s a distraction from useful work.

from The Atlantic https://ift.tt/2OlYSW5

[4poc4lyps3-v1s1on4ry]

Roles Of Extended Family In Child Development

Discipline is a subject close to my heart. I strongly genuinely believe that lot of the issues we have been having in society are actually because moms and dads are not taking responsibility for his or her kiddies. It is a controversial topic and this short article will touch for a few other touchy subjects. My family and I are older parents, by having a 10 old and another on the way month. I am 36 and my spouse 34. I enjoy understand things, until i do if I come across something I don't know, I'll quite happily sit down and research it. As soon as we discovered we were expecting, we began carrying out a lot of research and reading up on various parenting techniques. Corporal punishment works. Having said that I don't advocate it. There are more techniques for getting kids to behave that work simply and a spanking without the issues that go along with it. One of the better publications I've keep reading the niche is Super Nanny by Jo Frost. Super Nanny invested a very long time working as a Nanny in England. While working she developed a series of ways to cope with a variety that is large of's dilemmas. Lucky for people she decided to write them straight down plus the outcome had been a book every moms and dad should possess. In later years Super Nanny possessed a show on British tv helping families get get a grip on right back. A number of the young young ones were raging away from control while the moms and dads were at their wits end. She now possesses TV show in the usa, doing the thing that is same. What she is capable of in a quick timeframe is just amazing. Differing people have actually different views on discipline, from letting their kids do what ever they need, right through to maybe not letting children do anything. We fall somewhere in between. We securely believe kiddies require boundaries, it is how they learn. Children like to play, again its the way they learn. When you're trying to teach a young child right from incorrect, the kid views it as being a game. They will constantly push the boundaries until they see them. A young child that pushes and pushes but still doesn't find any boundaries due to the fact parent lets them do whatever they like becomes distressed. They will act up more and more until a parent finally tries to set up a boundary. This gets to be more of an issue when you get extended household together for christmas. It escalates up to a pugilative war when you've got family members with various points of view and no flexibility.

In my own view that is own there's a youngster in my care, ie in my own house. I've the responsibility to ensure the kid is safe. I have really been berated for telling a child 'NO' and moving them away from electrical and presenter cables where in fact the kid could have already been seriously hurt. Now while we stated earlier that I believe corporal punishment works, I don't spank my personal kids and wouldn't dream of doing this to somebody else's. Whenever holidays come around, families get together. The theory is always to have a fun time, enjoying each other's business and catching up on the right time spent apart. It is my view that the grouped household in general gets the responsibility to keep children from damage and educate right from incorrect. This is simply not the view of all of the and people that are many kids differently. It is vital to have a few ground guidelines for these encounters. In disadvantages of extended family the event that you let friends and family members know what they can and can't do if you are raising your child in a particular way, it's best. In our situation we sought out and bought a copy of Super Nanny for our folks so that they could understand they why's of that which we are doing and that can assist, as opposed to hinder, their grand young ones.

[junker-town]

10 silly events that could make the Pro Bowl Skills Showdown even better

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Hole in the Wall! Legends of the Hidden Temple! Hot dogs!

The NFL Pro Bowl is the opposite of fun, at least for most viewers at home. I’m sure the vast majority of players enjoy the experience, especially if it’s their first time. But other than the occasional chuckle at this, this, this or that antic, it’s barely competition and therefore loses a big reason why we all watch sports to begin with.

The Pro Bowl Skills Showdown, however, is pretty dang fun. There are events like dodgeball, drones dropping footballs, and relay races. But the NFL should expand it even more. I’m not talking just making it longer or including more players or even increasing the stakes. I’m talking about some America Ninja Warrior and Legends of the Hidden Temple stuff.

I want to see Akiem Hicks battle Geno Atkins with American Gladiator-style pugil sticks on top of a narrow platform. I want to see if Saquon Barkley can conquer Ninja Warrior’s warped wall. I want a two-man sack race pitting the AFC’s punter/kicker combo against the NFC’s. The dumber, the better. Let’s make it weird.

Fortunately, the NFL did expand things a bit this year, and the events they have added seem fun — a revamped gridiron gauntlet and a “40-yard-splash,” which is the league’s version of a fire bucket brigade — but I want them to go so much further. How much further? Well, here are my suggestions.

1. HOLE IN THE WALL

This is first and is given the proper treatment of ALL CAPS because it’s GREAT. I mean, it’s not — it’s dumb and the worst. But it’s also great. Do you understand? Doesn’t matter, watch these people get owned.

2. The Temple Run from Legends of the Hidden Temple

If you’re unfamiliar with the Temple Run, it’s basically among the scariest damn things that a child can go through. Legends of the Hidden Temple is a competitive game pitting two teams against each other, and the Temple Run includes the winning team going through a series of rooms within the temple, completing tasks.

AND THERE ARE FREAKY AS HELL TEMPLE GUARDS THAT JUST GRAB YOU AND TAKE YOU AWAY AND YOU’RE NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN (PROBABLY).

And yes, I do want teams to be designated between the Red Jaguars, Blue Barracudas, Green Monkeys, Orange Iguanas, Purple Parrots, and Silver Snakes.

3. Street Fighter II

I play a lot of video games, and in trying to come up with a good one for this list, I tried to find one that was popular enough that the NFL players would be familiar with it. Well that, and one that was SERIOUS DAMN BUSINESS. Growing up, at the arcade nothing determined your worth as a human better than some Street Fighter II, or perhaps Mortal Kombat II.

4. 40-yard hopscotch dash

Because we’re dealing with some of the best athletes in the world, 40 yards can often feel like it’s not really that far. But, speaking as someone incredibly lazy, it’s pretty dang far. And if you’re also navigating a hopscotch course, it’s even farther. Bonus points if this game is relegated to punters, kickers, and linemen.

5. Literally anything from Ninja Warrior

As a program, Ninja Warrior is entertaining enough. There’s a lot more talking about the contestants than I’d prefer — I’d rather just watch those idiots get hit by a giant swinging log or slip off a fake rock and fall into water. Not only is Ninja Warrior an actually impressive test of strength, agility, and skill, it’s also got the gnarly “Warped Wall.” I want to see EVERYBODY at the Pro Bowl take on the Warped Wall.

6. Offensive lineman hula hoop contest

As a big guy, I’m not here to body shame anyone. Hula hooping looks silly regardless of who is doing it. But let’s be honest, you want to see Quenton Nelson vs. Trent Williams in a hula hooping contest. You really, really do.

7. 4-on-4 Rock Band

Vocals, guitar, bass, and drums. Let’s see who can rock the best, and who has the most beautiful voice.

Suggested setlist:

Bonnie Tyler - “Total Eclipse of the Heart” Mastodon - “Blood and Thunder” Carrie Underwood - “Before He Cheats” Commodores - “Brick House” Babymetal - “Gimme Chocolate!!”

But I mean, there are literally thousands to choose from.

8. Any out-of-position drill

This one is pretty self-explanatory. The NFL does this partially now by having two quarterbacks and one non-quarterback in the accuracy drills, but I want more. I want to see every single player do the accuracy contest. I want to see everybody on the field try to kick a field goal. I want to see how many players try the over-the-shoulder catch drill and get nailed in the back of the head.

9. Human hamster ball race

Who is the fastest player at the Pro Bowl? Who cares?!

Who is the fastest player at the Pro Bowl when it comes to human-sized hamster balls?! I have no idea! Neither do you! Let’s find out.

10. Hot dog eating contest

The greatest of American traditions (and also probably everywhere else because competitive eating is actually kind of a big deal), officiated by Joey Chestnut himself. Let’s see who can pack away the most dogs in a set time. Good thing Vince Wilfork is still retired.

[junker-town]

10 silly events that could make the Pro Bowl Skills Showdown even better

Hole in the Wall! Legends of the Hidden Temple! Hot dogs!

The NFL Pro Bowl is the opposite of fun, at least for most viewers at home. I’m sure the vast majority of players enjoy the experience, especially if it’s their first time. But other than the occasional chuckle at this, this, this or that antic, it’s barely competition and therefore loses a big reason why we all watch sports to begin with.

The Pro Bowl Skills Showdown, however, is pretty dang fun. There are events like dodgeball, drones dropping footballs, and relay races. But the NFL should expand it even more. I’m not talking just making it longer or including more players or even increasing the stakes. I’m talking about some America Ninja Warrior and Legends of the Hidden Temple stuff.

I want to see Akiem Hicks battle Geno Atkins with American Gladiator-style pugil sticks on top of a narrow platform. I want to see if Saquon Barkley can conquer Ninja Warrior’s warped wall. I want a two-man sack race pitting the AFC’s punter/kicker combo against the NFC’s. The dumber, the better. Let’s make it weird.

Fortunately, the NFL did expand things a bit this year, and the events they have added seem fun — a revamped gridiron gauntlet and a “40-yard-splash,” which is the league’s version of a fire bucket brigade — but I want them to go so much further. How much further? Well, here are my suggestions.

1. HOLE IN THE WALL

This is first and is given the proper treatment of ALL CAPS because it’s GREAT. I mean, it’s not — it’s dumb and the worst. But it’s also great. Do you understand? Doesn’t matter, watch these people get owned.

2. The Temple Run from Legends of the Hidden Temple

If you’re unfamiliar with the Temple Run, it’s basically among the scariest damn things that a child can go through. Legends of the Hidden Temple is a competitive game pitting two teams against each other, and the Temple Run includes the winning team going through a series of rooms within the temple, completing tasks.

AND THERE ARE FREAKY AS HELL TEMPLE GUARDS THAT JUST GRAB YOU AND TAKE YOU AWAY AND YOU’RE NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN (PROBABLY).

And yes, I do want teams to be designated between the Red Jaguars, Blue Barracudas, Green Monkeys, Orange Iguanas, Purple Parrots, and Silver Snakes.

3. Street Fighter II

I play a lot of video games, and in trying to come up with a good one for this list, I tried to find one that was popular enough that the NFL players would be familiar with it. Well that, and one that was SERIOUS DAMN BUSINESS. Growing up, at the arcade nothing determined your worth as a human better than some Street Fighter II, or perhaps Mortal Kombat II.

4. 40-yard hopscotch dash

Because we’re dealing with some of the best athletes in the world, 40 yards can often feel like it’s not really that far. But, speaking as someone incredibly lazy, it’s pretty dang far. And if you’re also navigating a hopscotch course, it’s even farther. Bonus points if this game is relegated to punters, kickers, and linemen.

5. Literally anything from Ninja Warrior

As a program, Ninja Warrior is entertaining enough. There’s a lot more talking about the contestants than I’d prefer — I’d rather just watch those idiots get hit by a giant swinging log or slip off a fake rock and fall into water. Not only is Ninja Warrior an actually impressive test of strength, agility, and skill, it’s also got the gnarly “Warped Wall.” I want to see EVERYBODY at the Pro Bowl take on the Warped Wall.

6. Offensive lineman hula hoop contest

As a big guy, I’m not here to body shame anyone. Hula hooping looks silly regardless of who is doing it. But let’s be honest, you want to see Quenton Nelson vs. Trent Williams in a hula hooping contest. You really, really do.

7. 4-on-4 Rock Band

Vocals, guitar, bass, and drums. Let’s see who can rock the best, and who has the most beautiful voice.

Suggested setlist:

Bonnie Tyler - “Total Eclipse of the Heart” Mastodon - “Blood and Thunder” Carrie Underwood - “Before He Cheats” Commodores - “Brick House” Babymetal - “Gimme Chocolate!!”

But I mean, there are literally thousands to choose from.

8. Any out-of-position drill

This one is pretty self-explanatory. The NFL does this partially now by having two quarterbacks and one non-quarterback in the accuracy drills, but I want more. I want to see every single player do the accuracy contest. I want to see everybody on the field try to kick a field goal. I want to see how many players try the over-the-shoulder catch drill and get nailed in the back of the head.

9. Human hamster ball race

Who is the fastest player at the Pro Bowl? Who cares?!

Who is the fastest player at the Pro Bowl when it comes to human-sized hamster balls?! I have no idea! Neither do you! Let’s find out.

10. Hot dog eating contest

The greatest of American traditions (and also probably everywhere else because competitive eating is actually kind of a big deal), officiated by Joey Chestnut himself. Let’s see who can pack away the most dogs in a set time. Good thing Vince Wilfork is still retired.