#play catch up in the evening and im too tired to scroll and make content 😭😭

[kyunsies]

hello friends it’s been a month i hope you’re doing well <3

[sunarinluvr]

|| haikyuu boys after a long day ||

includes: sakusa kiyoomi, miya atsumu, & suna rintarou

a/n- hi!! heres some fluff for haikyuu boys after a long day post time-skip,,,this was also not proofread and i’ve written these at 4am so please bear with me ;_; hope u enjoy it! also i apologize for only posting now T^T

warnings: none! (lmk if theres anything i missed)

SAKUSA -

today was just extremely draining. he was woken up by you panicking as the both of you had overslept, and was about to be late. he also couldnt get his spikes right during practice which frustrated him more since he had a match in a few days.

when sakusa finally arrived home he was greeted by you and your smile that always made his day a little bit better. "rough day?" you asked tilting your head slightly so that you could get a better view of him.

he gave you a little nod as he dropped his bag and put his shoes away. padding over to the couch where you were seated, he plopped down and tilted his head back. “omi do you want to eat anything? wait no you probably want to shower—”

you couldn’t even finish your sentence as sakusa leaned closer to you and nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck “can we..stay like this for awhile?” he muttered softly. you smiled and wrapped your arms around him “of course my love”

after awhile, you noticed it was getting late and it would be best for him if he took a bath and got to bed, so despite wanting to stay like that for a little longer you rubbed his back gently “omi, why don’t i start you a bath? so that you can sleep right after”

sakusa groans in your neck and you giggle because you rarely got to see this side of him,, he was absolutely adorable. nevertheless he sat up and let you start a bath for him.

when the bath was ready you called for him and just as you were about to leave he grabbed your wrist. you looked at him but he switched his gaze onto the floor “aren’t you going to join me?” he asked so softly that if you weren’t listening carefully you would’ve missed it.

you cupped his cheeks and tilting his face so that both your eyes met. not missing the slight blush on his cheeks you smiled softly “your so cute when you’re like this omi, you get in first i’ll go grab my towel” with a quick kiss to his forehead you were out the door.

once the two of you were cleaned up, you both climbed into bed and sakusa was quick to wrap his arms around your waist and pull you closer to him. with a gentle kiss to your lips he nuzzles his nose in your hair as he muttered a sleepy but endearing “i love you so much” and with a content sigh you cuddled closer to him “i love you too omi.”

ATSUMU -

he was tired to say the least. the coach was ruthless today and made everyone do their drills twice to make up for their previous loss. atsumu wanted absolutely nothing more than to cuddle with you.

once practice ended he quickly showered and rushed home to you. dropping his duffel bag at the door and messily removing his shoes “y/n? baby! am home!” he called out. “in here babe”

you replied while stirring the dinner you were currently making. seeing atsumu you gave him your brightest smile as you walked towards him to give him a hug and his welcome home kiss, not missing the tired look in his eyes “welcome home. did the coach make you do more drills today?” you asked lightly chuckling

atsumu buried his face into your neck with a small smile on his face— groaning and hugging you a bit tighter “coach was ruthless princess, made us do drills twice” he mumbled

“sounds like my tsum had it rough today, go get changed dinners almost ready” you said softly while gently rubbing his back. “no... a just wanna cuddle with ya. a missed ma baby so much” he said whining. at that you laughed and slowly shook your head, atsumu couldn’t help but feel his heart do a small flip at the sound of your laugh.

“tsumu, we can cuddle all you want later. right now i’m starving and i’m sure you are too” without saying another word and a quick peck to your lips he retreated slowly to your shared bedroom to get changed while you prepared the food.

as you ate dinner he made sure to always have a hand on your thigh—this just made you laugh because your boyfriend was being so needy it was adorable. after he put the dishes away, you called for him “tsum come here! let’s watch a movie” you said with your arms opened and he walks to you with a huge smile on his face.

dropping himself on the couch he immediately wrapped his arms around your waist as you played with his hair. “thank you a love ya so much princess”he said softly. “i love you more baby” you reply as you start the movie. a few minutes in you wonder why he got so quiet all of a sudden, so you quickly check on him

only to be met by him softly snoring while his face was nuzzled into your chest. you always thought atsumu was adorable, but his sleeping face is just unmatched, the way his bangs fell over his eyes and his little content smile. knowing that you’re the only one who gets to see this side of him makes your heart swell. with a gentle kiss to his forehead you say “goodnight tsumu.”

SUNA -

to say suna had a hectic day would be an understatement. right after a long day of training he had to rush to an interview, he forgot he had after rescheduling it for the 3rd time this month (i mean you can't blame him, he finds interviews very draining). during the interview all he could think about was being in your arms, so he rushed home the moment it ended.

quickly opening the door to your apartment, he took off his shoes and carefully placed his bag on top of a table. “babe? i’m home.” he calls out, but he gets no response. he tries again, “babe?? im home!” no answer. he makes his way to the living room, then to your shared bedroom.

with a sigh of defeat he walks back to the living room getting ready to text you where you were when he remembered. “rin....rinnie...baby!” you said with a huge smile on your face. he hummed looking at you with a raised brow “i’m going to be out late next friday, it is my friends birthday. don’t worry i wont be out too long!”

“ughh why’d she have to be out today” suna mumbled to himself with a little frown on his face. he decided to wait for you to come home, so he put himself in a comfortable position on the couch as he scrolled through his phone, slowly his eyelids got heavier and heavier, until next thing you know he’s sound asleep on the couch.

a few hours later you finally came home. “i’m home” you say gently as you make your way to the living room. as you passed by the couch you noticed suna’s sleeping figure. ‘he looks so cute’ you think to yourself. quickly whipping out your phone to take pictures of him so you can tease him about it later.

after taking a lot a few photos, you quickly get changed out of your work clothes into some sweats and an oversized sweatshirt. walking back into the living room you give him a quick kiss on the forehead, but before you could fully stand up you felt suna’s arm wrap around you. gasping at the sudden movement, you lose your balance and ended up plopping on top of him.

suna laughs as you playfully hit his chest. “hi pretty baby. welcome home, did you have fun today?” giggling softly you lift your head a bit so you can see his face “hello to you too rin, and yes today was pretty eventful. what about you? have you eaten?” he just shrugs as he hugs you tighter and nuzzles his face into your neck.

“i ate dinner before going to the interview, my day was pretty tiring, but its ok now because you’re here” you can feel his smirk on your neck as you roll your eyes at him. “whatever you say.” 

after a few minutes of catching up with each other, you forced him to get out of the couch and move to your shared bedroom. once you both got under the covers he turns to you with a small smile and gives you a soft kiss on your lips. “goodnight rin, i love you” burying his nose into your hair he replies with a soft “goodnight, i love you more.”

reblogs are highly appreciated!!

[4dtk]

based on a lil discussion with me and @moonboohoo btw this is a little ooc since sukuna is a cat lol. enjoy!

[yuji is typing...]

oh my godddd you're ordering food? i want food too wtf

anyway. i hear u about your problem. why not just ask the first person you see when you get back home?

[(y/n) is typing...]

you want me to ask my cat??????

[yuji is typing...]

oh no not the cat, that feline is the devil himself im sure

the person delivering your food, ask them!!! maybe they'd be willing to give you a chance

[(y/n) is typing...]

hey!!!! :( dont be mean to sukuna :((

your maine coon curls up against you as you flop down on the couch with phone in hand, the other switching on the television with not much thought. your hand naturally strokes the cat's fur, jumping channels from one to the next in boredom as you wait for the delivery.

sukuna's purring carry on even when the doorbell is rung, accepting the food with a smile and careful hands. when you don't return, however, the cat perks up in curiosity, seeing the familiar twirl of your hair around your fingers as you engage in a conversation with the person at your door.

"so... is tomorrow okay?" you ask, tired of waiting for the perfect partner to come and sweep you off your feet. the other goes to answer, but sukuna interrupts before they can, hissing with the swishing of his bushy tail. it's as if he was a human himself, staring down at the delivery person despite the massive height difference.

"ah, s..sorry," you rush to place the food down, picking up the majestic cat into your arms to cradle him, "my cat's pretty aggressive to strangers."

"we could always reschedule it?" they say, shrugging their shoulders, "doesn't look like your cat wants me in the house if i were to come over tomorrow."

you smile apologetically, "'m sorry again."

they wave a hand, both in goodbye and dismissal of your apology for such a trivial thing.

the cat descends from your arms gracefully, walking off like he hadn't just cost you a future partner. as sukuna prances off, you roll your eyes at his dramatics, reaching for the food before finally settling down in front of the television again. at least now you had a purpose of going channel surfing.

it wasn't a very productive day, clocking out at an early 11pm to get ready for tomorrow. scrolling through social media was your favourite pastime, slotting in a bit of 'me' time before succumbing to sleep with sukuna snuggled up against your side. 

the next morning wasn't merciful; with its bright rays shining through the window and the annoying construction going on from across the street, you could almost feel your annoyance levels rising before you got the morning routine.

"she wanted to invite them into the house? thank god i swooped in before they could agree. what right do they have to hang with (y/n)?"

what's worse is there was murmuring just at the foot of your bed, the pacing of their footsteps deemed too loud by your groggy, grumpy self.

wait.

"who's there?!" your shout catches the attention of the male, hand pointing at the owner of the noisy-ass footsteps with fear.

his messy pink hair was enough to catch your attention, but the tattoos littered across his arms and face was enough to make you gasp. you keep your mouth shut when he looks you over with red eyes, meeting yours with a tilt of his head. it's a sukuna habit, even when he's a human.

"who... are you?"

"seriously?" he asks unimpressed, crossing his arms over his exposed chest.

"sukuna!" you jolt in surprise at your missing cat, "sukuna?"

there's genuine concern and confusion when you repeat his name for the third time, coming to terms that he might really be in front of you.

"s...ukuna?" you whisper in caution, inching towards him as he keeps his eyebrow raised at your clueless state. tracing your hand across his carefully drawn tattoos was the first thing you did before moving on to his unkempt pink hair and mouth, where he still possessed his canine teeth.

he recoils as part of instinct, an uncharacteristic blush appearing on his face.

you overlook his behaviour but instead groan, falling back into the bed behind you in panic from the situation you've just encountered. your head comes up to gaze at the other, frustrated that he hasn't gone away after slapping your face, blinking your eyes or even falling off the bed.

"fuck. so you're real then."

"tch, then what am i? am i not matter, a material that constitutes the observable universe and, together with energy, forms the basis of all objective phenomena?"

you blow a raspberry, "did you get that from my science notes? god, whatever, let's get you some clothes."

luckily, with your wide array of oversized shirts, you were able to dress him decently. despite your confusion, you still were very interested to know how he came to be in your small apartment. with a skilled hand, you brew some coffee for the both of you, handing him a steaming hot cup after a few minutes.

"i change every night," sukuna says nonchalantly, immediately spitting out the bitter drink in repulsion.

he makes a disgusted face, “what the fuck is this?”

you deadpan, "really? all over my floor?"

getting up, your hands reach for the paper towels to clean up the mess that your cat-turned-human made, cringing at the way the paper towel turns brown with the immediate soak-up.

“but this is the first time i’ve struggled to change back. i’m not sure how i do it normally, but jeez, drinking your goddamn coffee makes me wish i was a cat again.”

with each passing minute, he gets on your nerves and by now, he’s shoved the drink back to you. standing up, he stretches his muscles like how he usually does in the mornings, allowing for every part of his toned body to show itself.

there goes the annoyance...

"well, i can't say i'm not attracted either..." you mutter to yourself, gulping down the extra cup before placing them in the sink. the laptop you frequent makes its way onto your lap not so long later, bringing up a essay due in the next week. you decided to start early this time and made sure to pace yourself, trying to rule out the last minute rushes you always settled for.

an arm encircles around your waist, taking you by surprise when you let out a squeak. sukuna is nuzzling himself into your arm while you try to frantically delete the out-of-topic sentence that was making its way onto the word doc.

"what are you doing?"

"morning routine," he simply says, laying his tongue on you without any warning.

"oh god, sukuna, no!" you groan, pushing him away from his tight grip on you like he usually does when his body is propped against your chest. you've woken up too many times, struggling to breathe because of his weight.

he retreats reluctantly, really wishing he was a cat again as he grunts at your behaviour.

"have it your way," sukuna mumbles, his naturally grumpy self amplified by your rejection. you thought back to the times your maine coon normally sat beside you quietly, basking in the way your fingers typed on the keyboard.

what could be any different? plus, you'd have a reciprocation of your head pats.

there's a tug on the other's wrist, "you can lay. just no- no licking, okay?"

you almost scoff at the sukuna rolls his eyes, but his actions betray him anyways because he's laid down beside you, curling into your side as he places his head into your stomach.

the desktop's illumination shines brighter than the morning's rays, hypnotising sukuna into a slumber as you play with his hair.

you wouldn't have noticed the male if he hadn't introduced himself, but his brash personality matched your cat too closely, knowing you were the only one he'd show affection to despite the constant hissing and glares he sent to your friends.

a gentle grasp of his hand snaps you out of your thoughts, bringing back memories of the way he'll lay his paw on you, even during the first time where you met him in the animal shelter.

sukuna stays peaceful throughout his sleep, pink hair slowly becoming messier the more he cuddled into your person. he was content now, at least, as you read over the essay to correct any mistakes.

it lulls him in and out of consciousness, stuck between wanting to hear your tender voice and relishing being embraced in his sleep.

either way, he was positive he wanted to spend the rest of his cat (or human) life with you.

[watchmegetobsessed]

Update - Harry Styles

i’ve been deep inmy harry feels and this thought just wouldn’t leave me alone so i had to write it. im thinking about starting a taglist for harry, i think i’ll write more about him in the future. let me know if you’d be interested in the taglist!

word count: ~5.9k

masterlist

Sequel: The best present

Harry is not that into YouTube videos, has never really been, which is kind of ironic seeing the number of videos on the internet that is about him. The man himself who makes everyone talk online feels weird seeing someone talking on his screen, looking into his soul as if they were right there with him. But today he felt the sudden urge to be like his peers and get lost in random rambling videos from strangers, who felt the need to put themselves out there.

He has made a mean cup of tea for himself, made himself comfortable on his couch with his laptop balancing on his thighs and now is opening up his browser to unwind in an unusual way. As YouTube opens in front of his tired eyes, he stops when he tries to type in the keywords he is searching for. What is he looking for really? He thinks to himself trying to remember what he heard from his friends when they talked about funny or interesting videos. One thing is for sure, he is trying to avoid watching videos of himself in any content. He has had enough of him for the day, it’s time to focus on someone else, even if he doesn’t know the person.

He scrolls through several pages of many different keywords until he settles for a video where a girl talks about how her latest moving day went. Starting off Harry feels weird listening to her talk about such personal things as where her bed went in her room, how she packed all her stuff to fit them in the boxes, but soon enough this feeling settles and he starts to realize it’s kind of relaxing.

It doesn’t take too long for him to fall down a rabbit hole and by the time his tea empties out from his cup he is intensely watching a guy rant about his boss at Subway while doing a mukbang. The latter is a new discovery for Harry, he has never heard of it before, but he can see why some people find it satisfying.

The video ends, Harry checks the time and sees that it’s already after midnight and he hasn’t even realized how fast time flew by.

“Alright, just one more,” he mumbles to himself scrolling down the column of the recommended videos until his eyes stop at one particular upload at the very bottom.

July update for my Sammy, ready the title and an eye-catchingly beautiful girl is smiling from the thumbnail. He finds her breathtaking, the lack of makeup, the worn out hoodie she is wearing and the many various plants in the background makes it appear she is sitting in the middle of the forest.

Harry finds himself clicking on the video before he could even decide consciously to watch it. The screen loads and the girl appears in front of him, this time in a much larger size.

“Hi Sammy, welcome back to our channel,” she starts with an angelic little laugh as she pulls her shoulders up to her ears as if the camera is making her shy. She has no reason to be shy, Harry thinks to himself. His second thought is about Sammy, he is one lucky guy to know this angel and have her think about him. “It’s Y/N here, your one and only sister,” she adds.

Sister. The word brings Harry relief and he is surprised to feel this way, but he has no time to think anything of it because she starts talking again.

“Here is my July update, I’m sorry I’m a little late, but we got back from Oregon yesterday. Aunt Ella is sending you kisses and hugs, she missed you at the barbeque, or maybe it was just your helping hand at the grill,” she chuckles to herself, probably recalling the memory.

Harry has no idea who Aunt Ella is or where she lives in Oregon, but the way she talks about it makes him feel like he is part of the family a little.

Y/N carries on and starts talking about everything that has happened in July. Painting the shed at her parents’ home, buying a new armchair, one her cat absolutely adores and refuses to sleep anywhere else now, she went to the hairdresser to get a trim, but not too much. She tells about her plans for August, how she is thinking about going to the farmers’ market more often, and she has been playing with the idea of adopting another cat.

“I think Henry has been feeling a little lonely lately. He could use a buddy,” she tells the camera, her eyes moving to the side from where a weak but moody meow can be heard as an answer. “Yeah, I think he agrees,” she chuckles and Harry finds himself smiling at the screen.

At the end of the video she asks a few questions from Sammy, how he has been doing, if his wrist feels any better, even asks about a friend called Matthew. Harry wonders if she has ever gotten the answers to her questions and where Sammy saw this video. What is he doing that made her want to do an update on YouTube?

When the video ends Harry clicks on her profile faster than he would willingly admit to anyone and it’s like he opened the gate to paradise. Tens and maybe hundreds of videos are queuing on her page, monthly updates, birthday wishes, short story times about family gatherings, news and happenings in her life.

Harry gets lost in her tales. He watches video after video, noticing the smallest details about her, almost mentally taking notes about her updates, finding anything and everything she talks about so interesting as if he knew those people and places she mentions. He comes to realization that Sammy is her older brother who is serving somewhere in the military. Y/N is making the videos to update him about her life even if she knows most of them doesn’t get to him until weeks later, but it doesn’t seem to bother her. He also learns that Sammy sends them back lengthy emails once a month and always ends them with a joke they made up with his mates at the army. Y/N loves them even when they're not even funny, she never fails to mention that she smiled reading them.

Hours pass by and the rising Sun peeks inside the window pulling Harry back to his own reality, shocked that he just spent the whole night watching her videos and didn’t even realize how deep he has gotten in her life. Lucky for him he has nothing planned until the afternoon, so shutting his laptop he sets it aside and heads straight to bed, but lying between his silky sheets he catches himself staring out the window, wondering what Y/N might be doing right now. From what he collected she lives somewhere in Spokane and has family in Seattle and Portland, which puts her quite a few time zones behind him. He finds the thought of them going to bed at the same time despite the distance a little funny. He lies in bed for quite some time before he finally drifts off to sleep with a particular girl on his mind, who doesn’t even know he is thinking about her.

 “Do you think you can fall for someone you have never met?”

Harry’s question catches Mitch a little off-guard, but he is kind of used to his random bits of thoughts. Pouring some sugar into his coffee he follows the wondering singer to a free table in the corner.

“Isn’t it what all your fans feel?” he answers with a question, earning a surprised look from Harry. He hasn’t thought about this side, now the situation is kind of ironic, he supposes.

“Y’re right,” he nods stirring his coffee around in the small cup.

“Want to let me in on your thoughts?”

Harry feels a little shy to admit how he has watched all of her videos in the past few days, 207 to be exact and now he feels an oddly deep connection to this girl he has never even seen outside of a screen. Last night he dug up her Instagam profile, and even though she is not posting as frequently as she does on her channel, it was a refreshing change to see her in different settings. Chilling at a lake, having drinks with her friends, playing with her parents’ puppy, it amazed him that she has a whole life outside that small portion she lets him see in her videos.

Hesitantly, but he tells his friend about his latest hobby, if it’s not too weird to call it that, while his friend patiently listens and nods along his words while sipping on his morning coffee.

“D’you think I’m crazy?” Harry sighs leaning back in his seat, looking at his friend and colleague for validation that he hasn’t lost his mind entirely.

“Definitely not,” he chuckles shaking his head. “It’s like falling for that girl in school you know so much about but never really met.”

“Only that I’m stalkin’ this poor girl.”

“This is not stalking. We both know it’s far from that.” Harry nods with slight relief that his situation doesn’t seem as bad as he has been feeling lately. “Have you gotten in touch with her?”

“And what am I supposed to do? Comment on her video that I think her cat’s a cutie and I watched all her videos in three days ‘cuz I think she’s beautiful and I find her voice soothing?”

Mitch lets out a soft chuckle at the oddly specific answer he just gave and finds it amusing how interested his friend has grown about someone in such a short time.

“Maybe phrase it a little different.”

“So you do think I should reach out?”

“I don’t see why you shouldn’t. Use your personal YouTube, leave her a nice comment. Maybe she’ll reply.”

“And then what?”

“I don’t know, Harry,” he chuckles. “Just go with it and you’ll see. You are obviously interested in her, it’s better than just sit and watch her videos.”

Harry agrees. It wouldn’t hurt to try to reach out to her, possibly in a not too creepy way. Maybe just a sweet comment on one of her videos and if she replies… Well, he doesn’t know what comes after, but he’ll figure it out.

 Y/N updates regularly. Usually once a week and mostly it’s Sunday when a new video gets uploaded. This next Sunday Harry finds himself checking her page occasionally through the day to see if there’s a new update, but it seems like she is missing today. Right until he is driving home and gets a notification from the app.

Y/N has just uploaded a new video! It reads and Harry’s heart beats a tad bit faster. He thinks about pulling over to see it right away, but he tells himself that would be a bit too much, so he is forced to wait until he is in the comfort of his home.

Finally sitting on his couch he opens up his laptop and clicks on the video that has the title: September update.

Y/N sits in her usual spot, Henry in her arms as she is gently stroking his head with a warm smile on her face.

“Hi Sammy! Welcome back to our channel,” she greets him with her usual words and Harry loves how she calls the channel theirs. “This is my September update, even though not much has happened,” she breathes out, eyes wandering to the window besides her and Harry wonders what she sees from her window every day. Does she live in the city? Is it an apartment or a house with a backyard? Are there any trees or does her room have a terrible view, maybe just another house next to hers?

She starts her talk about the month, which she spent mostly with working, a little shopping and meeting her friends. She tells him about her planned trip to the local shelter to see possible new kittens to add to her household and Harry feels himself growing excited about it. He even thinks about what kind of cat he can see get along well with Henry even though he has never even met him.

“Anyway, mom and dad miss you, I miss you too. I loved your joke about ducks in your latest email,” she chuckles sweetly, bringing a smile to Harry’s face as well. “Mom is excited to see you at Christmas, our cousins will come to Portland as well. Maya can’t wait to play Jenga with you, she said she’s been practicing.”

The video soon ends as Y/N tells Sammy how much she loves him and eventually turns the camera off.

He straight away moves the cursor to the beginning of the video and as she starts talking again he scrolls down to the comment section that’s entirely empty. There are only two views on her video, usually a hundred is the max, but she doesn’t seem to care about the views, it’s more about the message.

He clicks to type a comment, but his hands stop above the keyboard as he tries to think of what to write. Mitch was right about taking a chance at reaching out, but what is he supposed to write exactly? Everything that comes to his mind sounds so creepy and scary, and he knows it’s weird that he formed such a deep connection to an unknown girl online. At last he starts typing.

“Hi Y/N! I’ve stumbled across your videos the other day. Love how you keep your brother updated, it’s such a nice gesture. I hope life treats you and Sammy well, you truly deserve it. Good luck with finding a buddy for Henry! Love, an admirer of yours, H.”

He reads it back several times, deleting then retyping it again until he decides to just go with it. A rush of adrenaline washes over his body when he sends the comment and it’s officially out there. Secretly he wishes she would reply right away, but moments pass by, then moments turn into minutes and nothing happens. His comment stands there alone and he has to realize that maybe she will never even reply or even see it.

It doesn’t matter, he tells himself as he shuts the laptop down and goes on to do his things, but he finds his thoughts wander over to her from time to time.

He has a busy day ahead of him the next day, quite a few meetings and a fitting. He checks back for a reply in the morning, but it slips his mind the moment he leaves from home and his phone rings right away. Throughout the day he basically barely has time to check his emails, his other notifications are just sitting patiently on the bar, waiting for him to acknowledge them. It’s way past five in the afternoon when he finally have some time for himself after his fitting. He is sitting in his car, people walk past him without even realizing who is sitting behind the tinted windows. Scrolling down he gets rid of everything that doesn’t seem urgent until his eyes stop at one particular notification.

“Y/N replied to your comment,” he reads it out loud, just to make it real, as if he is seeing it wrong and saying it with his own mouth brings it to life. He quickly taps on it and the familiar video opens up and while Y/N starts talking again the screen jumps down to the comments where, in fact, there is a reply from her.

“Dear H! Thank you for your heartfelt comment! I always forget it’s not just my family who sees these videos, but I’m happy you found them interesting enough to watch a few of them.”

“A few?” Harry huffs to himself feeling a little ridiculous he has watched all of them.

“I hope I didn’t bore you too much. Thank you for the well wishes for me, my brother and Henry too. He is sending his love to you. Y/N xx”

The comment was posted three hours ago. The thought that she has acknowledged his existence with not only reading but also replying to his comment brings him extreme joy. He reads her words over and over again, looking for any clue that would give away that she found his comment weird, but it seems like she was more surprised and happy that someone else saw her video besides her brother. Harry starts to type his reply without hesitation.

“Bore me? You saved me from watching another “what’s in my bag” video the other day. It was a pleasant change. I love your plants, by the way. Your room always gives off the most relaxed vibes. It reminded me I should have more of them in my home. H”

Harry smiles to himself posting his comment, the fear of appearing like a stalker long gone from him, the interaction is making his inside blossom from joy. For his biggest surprise a reply appears just a few minutes away and Harry reads Y/N’s new lines with deep hunger.

“Those videos suck the life out of me every time! I might be having a problem with buying too many plants, but I can’t help myself. They truly bring peace to me just by looking at them. I’m glad you are planning on buying some more, you won’t regret it!”

Harry is dying to reply, but he doesn’t want to look too eager and needy, so he opts for just liking her comment to let her know he read it and agrees. He locks his phone and puts it aside with the widest smile on his face as he starts his car and leaves his parking spot.

Two weeks pass by. In those two weeks Y/N uploads two more videos, one about her time with her grandparents, for a change it was filmed at their home and they even said hello in it. Harry feels wholesome seeing her with her granny and grandpa, it’s clear she cares a lot about them. The other video is just a short one where she has met some of Sammy’s old high school friends and she had a check in from them, sending a sweet message to him through the video. Harry doesn’t doubt how much these little things mean to Sammy, even if he doesn’t get to see them right away. Seeing Y/N alone boosts his mood every time she uploads a new video, he can only imagine how they make Sammy feel.

He leaves comments on her videos without a second thought and she replies to all of them, a lot of the time almost immediately. These are the highlights of his days without exception. Knowing that she has anything to do with him just fascinates him and he is starting to realize what his fans feel towards him on a different level. Whenever he sees the notification that she has replied to what he wrote or that she uploaded a new video he flies right to her page to check it, no matter what he is doing. Some of their comment threads turn out pretty lengthy, almost like a chat conversation and it has Harry wonder how they could maybe move it to somewhere else from the comment section.

He wants to ask for her number, but figures it wouldn’t be the best idea. Regardless of how much he enjoys their short little conversations, the situation is still weird and complicated and he doesn’t want to forget that.

But he is pleasantly surprised when she brings it up herself, to move the conversation to somewhere else.

“Would love to discuss that more with you. Up for exchanging IG names?” her question reads and he blinks a few before he fully comprehends that she wants to talk to him more in private. However there’s no way he can send her his real Instagram profile and making a fake one would be way too suspicious. Opening up the private messages he sends her a short, but informative message.

“I don’t use Instagram, but feel free to text me,” and then his phone number.

He sits at the dinner table anxiously, waiting for his phone to light up from a new text, and just a few minutes later it finally comes.

“Hi! It’s Y/N,” he reads from the notification and he saves the number right away.

“Hello! Save me as Harry. I haven’t even told you my name yet, how rude of me!” he replies chuckling to himself.

“Will let it slip this time. Harry. What a nice name!”

“Is it what you thought about from the H?”

“It was one of my theories. The other one was Hayes, but Harry fits you better.”

“You haven’t even seen me, how do you know what name fits me?”

“I don’t know. You had a vibe. There are many great Harries in the world, you seemed to fit between them!”

Harry wonders if she is thinking about him without even knowing that… it is him. He wants to ask her, but decides not to. Instead, he is enjoying that he can now reach her immediately and not through a comment section. He never thought this would actually happen.

 The texts never stop. They have so much to talk about! Their entire life to share, millions of thoughts and so much to discuss! Harry is not proud of the time he has spent with his eyes glued to his phone, but he wouldn’t miss a chance to talk to her for anything. Their friends are not blind to the change in him, but Mitch is the only one with a guess about why he has gotten so addicted to his phone.

“Is it the girl from the videos?” he asks Harry one time when they are at the studio, having lunch break. Different food boxes are scattered around them, on the table and the couch. Harry’s phone just light up from a text and he immediately dropped his lunch to type a response.

He glances up at his friend with a shy smile nodding his head. He hasn’t talked about his newly funded friendship with Y/N yet, it feels like as if he tells it to anyone it might evaporate into just a dream.

“So you reached out, huh?”

“I did,” he nods returning to his food once his message is sent. “She’s great.”

“Does she know who she is talking to?” Harry’s lack of answer tells enough about the truth to Mitch. “You can’t hide forever, especially if you are planning on meeting her.”

“I know,” he answers shortly. “But I just don’t know how I could even bring it up to her without sounding like a mad man.”

“She’ll need proof.”

“M’not ready to show m’self to her. What if it changes everything?”

“Then it wasn’t worth it,” he simply tells him.

Deep down Harry knows it’s the truth, but he is not ready to be robbed from the joy she is bringing him. He has never felt such a deep connection to anyone before and they haven’t even met. It’s just a version of her he is seeing on the screen, not her real self. But it feels real to him and he wants to keep this reality to himself for just a little longer.

 “I wish I could hear your voice, Harry. You are one big mystery to me, you know that?”

He forgets to breathe for a moment as he reads her message, lying in bed one evening, getting ready to sleep, but he wanted to check in with her before ending the day.

“You know so much about me already,” he types back.

“Not enough, I feel like. Sometimes I’m afraid Nev and Max are about to show up at my door and tell me that I’ve been catfished.”

He chuckles at her words, though he completely understands her fear.

“What do you want from me then?”

“Send me a voice message so I know you are real. That would put my suspicion to sleep. For a while…”

Harry hesitates for a long time until he decides just one voice message couldn’t hurt. Just a short one where his voice is not that recognizable so his cover won’t be over immediately.

“Good night, Y/N,” he tells into his phone and then send the recording to her.

He watches the status change from delivered to read and a couple of minutes go by before she finally responds.

“Thank you. Now I know that you are real. I hope I’ll hear your voice in real life one day.”

“I hope that too.”

 His time spent undercover is coming to an end and he knows it’ll happen soon. It’s been weeks since they started chatting, almost an entire month and she’s been hinting her will to see his face and though he has been putting it off, he knows it has to happen.

Fate is playing under his hands, because he is traveling to Seattle for a few days, exactly when Y/N is traveling there to visit her parents.

“I hope you know you can’t leave without meeting finally,” she wrote when she found out they are going to be in the same city.

“It never even crossed my mind!” he wrote back chuckling to himself, however it brought him extreme anxiety that he is now going to be forced to come clean about who he really is.

He spends his whole flight to Seattle making up possible outcomes for their first official meeting. Not all of them end well and it’s just fueling his fear that he might lose her for not telling her the entire truth.

But she is a smart girl, she’ll see your reasoning, he tells himself, however he can’t entirely convince himself that it will be the case.

In hopes of squeezing in more than just one meeting into the weekend they agreed to meet almost first thing after he lands. So after checking into his hotel he heads into the city to finally meet her in real life in a local café she suggested for the occasion. Arriving to the place he is running a little late and she already texted him she’ll be waiting for him inside. Harry is wearing a beanie with shades to try to keep up his cover and it seems to be working, no one has approached him yet.

Stepping inside the cozy looking place his eyes roam around and immediately finds her sitting in the corner, pouring sugar into her coffee, not even paying attention to the door at the moment, but truth is she’s been intensely staring at it in the past ten minutes she has been there.

Harry takes a deep breath and nods to himself before heading in her way, hands shaking nervously as he stops at her table.

She glances up at him with innocent eyes, a smile spreads across her face as she sees that her mysterious Harry has arrived and she doesn’t recognize her until he finally takes his sunglasses off.

Harry watches her face turn from happiness to surprise then utter shock as she realizes who is standing in front of him.

“You are… my Harry?” she asks, confusion laced through her voice and Harry can’t ignore how she called him her Harry. He likes the ring of it.

“M’orry if it’s a little too much f’you, I really didn’t know how to tell ya.”

Keeping his eyes on her he pulls out the other chair at the table and takes a seat across her while she is still staring at him with a shocked and puzzled expression sitting on her face. Then she looks around in suspicion as he wiggles his coat off his arms, before her eyes settle on him once again.

“It’s not an episode of Catfish, right?” she asks making him chuckle.

“It is not, don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry if I’m being weird, but this was literally the last thing I was expecting,” she admits leaning back in her seat. “I believed things like this only happen in movies.”

“Not just there,” he smiles, slowly relieving that she is still sitting there and hasn’t ran out. It’s going way better than he expected.

She needs a little time to put the whole picture together and befriend the thought that she indeed just developed a friendship with Harry Styles through her videos for her brother. The absurdity is still shocking to her, but the more time passes by with him still sitting there, the more she finds peace with it.

Once the shock and surprise is gone they slowly realize they are seeing each other in real life finally. Harry feels overwhelmed, she is even more breathtaking than in her videos and through texts. He is mesmerized by her whole being and could listen to her talk in person forever, he wouldn’t get bored of her.

Time stops existing as they sit at the little café, talking for hours even though that’s all they’ve been doing through texts, but they just can’t get enough of hearing each other, seeing each other’s reaction and be able to see each other and not stare at a screen while talking.

Unfortunately, time never stopped just for the two of them and soon she realizes she needs to head back home. Harry doesn’t want to let go of her just yet so he offers to give her a ride, thanking himself for getting a rental for himself upon arriving. Y/N accepts the offer so the two of them head back to her parents’ home, soaking up the last minutes of their precious time spent together.

“Thank you for today, I really loved meeting you finally,” she smiles at him once they are parked on the driveway.

“I hope I didn’t shock you too much,” he chuckles scratching his chin.

“Just a little,” she admits before they both get out of the car and walking around it she stops in front of him, after a moment of hesitation she opts for a hug that he returns more than happily.

It feels as if her frame was perfectly sculpted to fit in his embrace and Harry can’t imagine how he could go this long without even seeing her in person. He knows it’s gonna be utter misery to be away from her after they leave the city.

“Will I see you before you take off?” she asks letting go of him. Harry looks down at her, the urge to kiss her growing bigger with each passing moment, but he is not sure if it would be appropriate to give it a try on their first time meeting.

“I’m free tomorrow for a lunch,” he tells her and she nods smiling.

“Then I’m free too,” she chuckles.

There’s an awkward moment where they are not sure what else should be done or said and the more they wait the weirder it’s getting so Harry clears his throat as he takes a step back, sad that he has to leave without feeling her lips on his, but he is not trying to be too greedy.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he smiles walking back to his car. Y/N waves after him and sitting back to behind the wheel he takes a moment to himself to collect himself after everything that has happened today. His hands curl around the wheel and he is about to start the car when someone knocks on the window. Y/N is smiling at him through the glass and he rolls it down curiously.

“I just…” she starts hesitantly, her eyes wander down to his lips and Harry knows what’s about to happen, but it still catches him by surprise.

Y/N leans in through the window and presses her lips to Harry’s, capturing them in a sweet, long awaited first kiss they both have been dreaming of for quite a while. Harry smiles into the kiss, bringing his right hand up to cup her cheeks as they stretch the moment for as long as possible. Whenever one pulls back the other brings them back for just one more kiss that turns into two more, then three… It takes a long time for them to finally let go of each other.

“See you later, H,” she smiles backing out of the car and running up to the front door, smiling wildly as she waves in his way one last time before disappearing in the house.

 Lying in bed that evening Harry is scrolling through his Instagram feed when he finally realizes he can now follow her without a worry. He is quick to find her profile again and hit that follow button. He is happy to see she was already following him.

He is just about to put his phone aside and go to bed after such a busy but exciting day when a notification pops up on the screen.

Y/N has just uploaded a new video!

He taps on it quickly and her smiling face greets him from his phone’s screen.

“Hi Sammy! It’s me again. Welcome back to our channel,” she starts with a shy smile. The setting is new this time, he supposes it’s her parents’ home this time. “This is going to be a short video, but I wanted to tell you about something. Or someone.”

Harry’s heart skips a beat when he thinks about where it’s heading. He listens to her voice holding his breath.

“I met someone today. We’ve been talking for a while, but I could finally hug him today. His name is Harry, and he is a wonderful man. I think you two would get along well,” she says with a soft chuckle. “I love spending time with him and I hope he feels the same way. Actually…” Her eyes move up straight to the camera, something she doesn’t do often. She usually stares out the window or plays with Henry while talking. “I think he is watching it right now. Hi Harry!”

“Hello, Beautiful,” he greets her back with a smile as if she could hear him.

“I wanted to tell you how amazing you are making me feel. I hope I didn’t disappoint. I was so nervous to meet you today, I hope I lived up to what you imagined me to be.”

“You were so much better than that,” he answers again.

“Anyway… I hope you feel the same way. You are the first guy I’m talking about in an update, so appreciate it!” she tells him and he chuckles lightly. “I’ll see you soon, H. But until then… Know that I’m thinking about you.”

“M’thinking about you too, Angel.”

“Sammy, I miss you as always. I hope everything is well, can’t wait for your next email. I love you,” she smiles before the video ends.

Harry heads straight to the comments. This time he doesn’t leave a lengthy one, just a short line, but it has everything he wanted to tell her.

“I feel the same way.” The comment reads. Just a few seconds later comes the notification and he smiles sweetly at his phone.

Y/N liked the comment.

[9tzuyu]

dissolve (rewrite)

natasha x reader

note: this was just a huge vent fic idk. these type of fics seem to be the only thing im okay at writing. mistakes are mine as always. but i did proofread, yay!

if you want to read the original (as awful as it is) you can read it here!

wanrings: this heavily revolves around eating disorders.

i’m not tagging anyone because the content isn’t really the lightest to read.

words are used everyday, everywhere – whether to describe something or someone. there’s thousands upon thousands of them.

so you were having a hard time figuring out why you were struggling so much to justify your feelings through the basis of words. it was unnerving, draining and very annoying. your emotions should be simple, right? you were either sad or happy, angry or scared. but there was something more, something unexplainable. saying you felt alone only scratched the surface of the wave of emotion that took over. it was excruciatingly painful, far worse than any physical pain you ever had to endure. and for some reason it seemed to come crashing down at night while natasha slept peacefully. you weren't exactly sure how to express your emotions to the extent you felt them. how else was anyone supposed to understand your pain? they couldn't, not unless they could somehow shift into your body and feel your emotions themselves. but that was merely impossible as such powers do not exist. so you were inevitably stuck with words foreign to your lips. over the years you were deemed unsafe, a hazard, "an accident waiting to happen" you recall one doctor say. everyone’s eyes were on you at all times, monitoring every little movement you made. it was suffocating and at times doing more damage than good.

as an adult now you learned how freeing it could be without the fear of gaining weight or eating a bowl full of rainbow marshmallow cereal. your worth was not defined by your weight.

(at least that's what you believed prior to any relapses.) everything was going well in your life. you were a college graduate working as a psychiatric nurse and you had found love, something your teenage self could only dream of. natasha was by your side through everything. and really, the only downfall in the relationship was that she had to travel a lot for her job. but you were secure enough in your relationship not to worry or decide to call things off. in the end natasha always made up for it when she came back, so you couldn't complain too much. things were going well for you, really, they were. until they weren't. (and you didn't know why.) it happened out of nowhere. work was a little more stressful than usual, but it was nothing you couldn't handle. natasha had been away for three months, only stopping by a few times to check in on you. but again, your wife being away for so long wasn't anything new or worrisome. the two of you had followed the routine of her leaving and coming back more than a thousand times; yet somewhere along the way you lost yourself. food became less of a priority, your hunger decreased drastically, and within the first month you'd lost thirteen pounds. it truly was an accident, slipping into a full blown relapse was never part of the plan. but thirteen pounds lighter you wanted more, to feel small again. you didn't have an answer as to why you became so attached to your eating disorder, but it didn't seem like it would be letting go any time soon. the rate at which you were going natasha would most definitely be able to see a difference; not only on your weight, but in the person you once were. she'd ask what happened and why it happened, poking and prodding for an answer, but you didn't have one. so here you stood in the kitchen of your shared home, a cup of sliced fruit in one hand and your cell phone in the other. you poured the fruit into the bottom of a blender along with a spoonful of yogurt and half a cup of soy milk. another half cup of ice followed suit. while the fruit blended, you shamelessly scrolled through your instagram. there was nothing interesting going on in other people's lives, you didn't even know why you had social media in the first place. it was dumb, and quite frankly you didn't give a shit whether or not sharon went to the beach. the sound of your blender coming to a halt brought your attention back to the real world. you poured your smoothie into your water bottle. the green liquid would be your breakfast and lunch for the day - dinner was still up for debate. a soft sigh left your lips. work was beginning to feel more like a chore and less of something you enjoyed. you were quickly growing tired of it. nonetheless, you grabbed your keys and rushed out of the door.

you thought about the irony of working as a psychiatric nurse with an undealt eating disorder telling teenagers how to deal with their own issues. you felt hypocritical to say the least, especially given that all the nasty side effects were starting to make themselves known.

your hair was beginning to thin, small clumps of it already starting to fall out when you tugged a little too hard. bruises could be seen scattered left and right on your body, and you were cold. god you were cold. your fingernails were tinted blue, warmth seemingly too far out of reach. you looked ill, and it didn't go unnoticed by your coworkers.

a few hours into your shift you found yourself sitting behind the nurses station filling out paperwork. lunch had passed and when your coworker, steve, asked if you were going to eat something you lied straight through your teeth, telling him you'd grab something when the patients were eating dinner.

but steve rogers could read you like an open book. he knew you were lying because he already knew what was going on. the signs of an eating disorder were quite obvious when you were a licensed therapist. and despite your futile attempts at hiding it, everyone could tell something wasn't right.

steve played it by ear for weeks until he contacted natasha, but by then you'd already lost a considerable amount of weight. as soon as she heard the news, natasha booked the next flight home. unfortunately for her though, there was only one flight and she would have to wait two and a half weeks before being able to leave.

you didn't know it, but those were the longest two and a half weeks natasha ever had to wait.

– patients were having group therapy, so you could tune them out - not that you should, but it was hard to focus when the only two things you could think about were food and your weight.

the need to lose weight sounded so stereotypical for someone with an eating disorder, but honestly it wasn't about that. it was never about wanting to be thin. you genuinely didn't know why this was happening. the only thing you noticed was how rewarding it felt seeing the number go down, as if for you were good for becoming less. it was addictive. and it didn't help that you based your entire worth on how much you could lose.

the next time you stood up from behind the nurses station steve met you in the the cafeteria. while the patients ate you took occasional sips from your smoothie. the bottle was still full of its contents from the morning. you had completely forgotten to drink it during the day, but you didn't seem to mind it that much.

the surprise touch of steve's hand on your shoulder startled you.

i am gross, you thought. do not do that.

steve caught onto the slight flinch your body produced as a reflex, but he didn't say anything about it.

"you can leave early, boss said so."

he laughed as he saw confusion plaster your face.

"what? no!"

"go home, seriously. we have this handled. you know tony doesn't like being told no."

you bit your lip, puzzled by the sudden request. most people wouldn't mind being sent home early, but all it did for you was give you a level of anxiety reserved for food.

what you didn't know was that natasha was home waiting for your arrival. she came back just short of an hour after you left for work.

while you were gone natasha made a few thorough rounds in the house looking for key signs of your eating disorder. there was bound to be evidence given that you didn't know she was home.

unsurprisingly, natasha found a glass scale beside the counter of the bathroom floor along with empty bottles of laxatives in the trashcan. the food in the fridge had been expired a few days past their date, giving her the indication that you weren't eating as much as you should be. her concern grew even more when she found your food journal on your nightstand. flipping the pages, natasha could see that throughout the moths she'd been gone your calorie intake had decreased significantly.

guilt began to gnaw at the back of her throat.

during the few days natasha stopped by, she hadn't noticed anything wrong with you. but then again she knew most people with eating disorders were very good at hiding them up until the point they were discovered. three days wasn't near enough time for her to catch onto your tricks, not when her mind was still focused on her job.

natasha always listened intently whenever you would talk about your eating disorder, the first time being six months into the relationship on a date you felt like you had ruined.

but talking about it was much different than experiencing it with you, natasha had never done that before up until now. she read nearly every article there was about anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and ednos. sometimes when you were asleep she would watch documentaries on the disorder, always making sure to keep her volume at a low level.

the videos that hurt her the most were the ones teenagers struggling with the simple task of eating food.

(although natasha knew it wasn't that simple.)

it hurt because she knew that was you at some point in time.

upon your arrival, natasha cooked dinner. she wanted to hold onto the one sliver of hope that steve was wrong - that he was just overreacting - but she knew in her heart he was right about his assumption. however, dinner would only confirm what natasha so desperately wanted to deny.

when you walked through the door you were greeted with the overwhelming scent of food. you cringed at the thought of having to eat, but as soon as you looked up to see the redhead who'd been gone for so long your frown was washed away. a wide smile overtook your face and you rushed to jump into natasha's arms.

"i missed you so much," you whispered. "i thought you'd be gone for another few weeks?"

natasha's arms found their way around your waist as your legs wrapped around hers. "what? i can't come home early to surprise my wife?" you giggled in the crook of her neck. she smiled feeling the vibrations against her skin, happy to know that you'd missed her just as much as she missed you.

she sat you down, back facing you, she tended to the food. "you've lost weight," she commented, not missing the sharp inhale of your breath.

"how was work, nat?"

she nodded to herself. yeah, she didn't expect you to be so open on the first try.

"it was fine. dinner's ready, i made your favorite!" natasha threw a smile in your direction as she carried the plates over to the table. she had hoped to see your face light up the way it used to, but seeing the panicked look in your eyes further confirmed your relapse.

if nothing else, natasha wanted you to have a meal before she brought up the conversation.

"great... i love it, thank you nat!" your attempt at being enthusiastic failed miserably and you knew by the look she gave you, she already knew what was going on.

but throughout the meal, and despite the shakiness of your hand as it gripped the metal fork, natasha didn't say anything.

you weren't really sure which was worse; being confronted or knowing the both of you knew what the other was thinking and still not addressing it.

natasha's meal was good, you couldn't lie about that, but each bite you chewed caused the tightening in your chest to constrict further.

now you couldn't be good. or worthy. or deserving.

nat took away your plate when you were halfway through. she knew your limits, and she didn't want to push you too much out of your comfort zone.

"go change, i'll wash our dishes. meet you on the couch?"

you did as you were told, taking as long as you could to do so. except this time was different. you didn't glance in the mirror like you usually did, you chose to fully take in your figure.

what you saw was not what you expected to see. for the first time in months you saw a version of yourself that wasn't twisted and turned to be something you didn't know was real or not.

your skin was dry, hair thinned out beyond your belief, eyes sunken and dark underneath. the revelation gave you an odd feeling – was once again something unexplainable, unjustifiable by words.

good.

that was how you were supposed to feel, right? after all of this time, after the many pounds of protection and warmth lost, you were supposed to feel good.

but you didn't. and you never would.

there was something so surreal about the realization of your own destruction. you were aware now, which meant you had to either take responsibility or choose to lose everything you worked so hard for.

"y/n?"

your wife's voice snapped you out of your gaze and you scrambled to pile your dirty clothes and rush out of the bedroom.

as you made your way into the living room you could feel the intensity of natasha's gaze. any other time you would not mind her green eyes looking at you, but this time around you felt like you were in trouble.

she patted the empty spot next to her, to which you reluctantly joined. but even after everything you still tried to play it cool.

"what's up? is everything okay?"

she gave a low chuckle, "you tell me."

"what do you mean?"

"oh i think you know what i mean."

natasha’s reply was met with the loudest silence you ever had to sit through.

she bit her lip, "you know i got a call from steve a few weeks ago. he's concerned about you, and from what he's told me so am i."

you were quick to respond, automatically knowing what steve’s phone call was about. "i'm fine. so what if i've lost a couple of pounds? that doesn't automatically mean that im relapsing, natasha."

your quick snap reminded natasha that this kind of confrontation was like walking on eggshells.

she tilted her head, licking her lips. "i'm here with you, always." nat put a hand to the side of your face, gently rubbing her thumb at the top of your cheekbone. "i'm here."

it seemed pointless now to try and say anything because your secret was already out.

your mind began racing back and forth.

you wanted to keep what you knew best and natasha understood that. even by reading your body language she knew what you were debating.

"you know, to keep it you have to give it away." your eyes darted to meet hers. "mhm. you can still have that piece of you. mourn it, grieve it, do whatever you need to do to move onto a stage where it doesn't hurt you. and from there you can help other people, share your experience, let yourself heal by helping others."

she paused, “we all have choices. some of those choices are taken from you while others leave you with only one option.”

although what she said seemed to resonate with you, there was one thing still holding you back.

"i just want to be good."

natasha hummed. you had explained it to her in the past, though your words were jumbled together as you tried to describe it.

"you can be good in other ways. you're allowed to live a life outside of the barriers your eating disorder puts in the way."

you swallowed the lump in the back of your throat. "i don't even know how it got to this point. in january i enjoyed ihop and dennys. in february i could have oatmeal and bananas, sometimes half of a sandwhich if i was feeling brave. now it’s march and i only eat one or two things a day. the idea of having a full meal makes me want to cry. and i just- i don't know how to stop."

natasha wouldn't show it, but your words cut through her heart like a knife. her mind wandered briefly to all the teenagers in the documentaries she'd watched, hoping you weren't too far gone into your eating disorder to ever come back. those cases scared her the most.

"you've got my complete support. you've tackled this before, maybe this time you can beat it? i know its easier to abuse your body instead of growing comfortable in it, but i think you’ve got this. i know you do."

"what about your work?" your question caused natasha to frown. "you think i wouldn't set my job aside for you?" you shrugged, it's not like you felt like you were worth being taken care of anyway.

natasha grew hesitant to tell you her news, but did it anyway because she’d rather you hate her than see you dead. "i've already made some appointments for you. the first one is tomorrow morning."

"i figured you would natasha. it's okay."

you spaced yourself out the rest of the day. each time you made the executive decision to recover, whether that be a genuine recovery or not, the process never failed to remind you that even trying to recover from an eating disorder felt like mourning the loss of a friend who was never good for you in the first place.

[ghosttotheparty]

say my name and say it twice (cotton candy skies)

23. also on AO3 chapter twenty two

warning: this chapter contains sexual content please skip it if youre uncomfortable  stay safe <3

Jens forced himself to stay awake until Lucas answered his text. 

Even though his lights were off, and his blanket was pulled up around him, he looked at his phone, scrolling pointlessly and aimlessly, looking at videos and watching memes until Lucas responded. Jens’s heart jumped when he did, excited after hours of not hearing from him, ready to listen to his quiet voice. 

Jens was just about falling asleep when they called a few minutes later, after Lucas had put away his brushes and palette, and changed and brushed his teeth, and he could barely even talk, mumbling a whispered “Hi.”

They fell asleep (or at least he did) not long after his little “Me too.” 

He is excited. He doesn’t think Lucas really understand how excited he is. 

They’ve fallen asleep together before, that night on the dumpster, Jens’s head in Lucas’s lap, Lucas gently brushing his fingertips over Jens’s cheeks and brows and lips and eyes, combing through his hair as their fingers entwined. But he looks forward to holding Lucas, wrapping his arms around him underneath his blankets, being able to hide from the rest of the world in his four walls. He’s thought about how it might go. He’d kiss Lucas, of course, kiss his forehead while he’s falling asleep, push his curls out of his face so he can look at him in the dark, with the street and moonlight streaming through gaps in his curtain. He’d hear Lucas’s little puffs of breath, maybe feel them against his neck or chest.

Lucas tells him in the morning (through a text that Jens doesn’t see until he wakes up several hours after it’s sent) that he’ll have to go to his place in the evening, that Milan woke him up early to take him to Leuven. 

So Jens waits. 

Lotte and Mama leave early, around nine. (Jens is still been asleep; they leave a note.) (Lotte signs it with a little heart.) Jens did some homework. He finishes all the maths, but he leaves some history because he can’t focus on it. He’ll ask Robbe for the answers later. 

He gets a few texts from Lucas throughout the day. 

milan talks too much zoe and senne are so cute fuck milan bought the same shirt in three different colours??? why???

And a selfie taken with Milan, who is smiling broadly and excitedly while Lucas’s face remains flat, looking tired and bored. Jens saves it. 

He gets a text in the evening, while he’s playing a video game halfheartedly, that makes his heart jump.

im on my way 

He’s almost impatient, replying a quick :D and then going back to the game, his knee bouncing quickly up and down. He loses the game after a few minutes. 

When there’s a knock at the door, he practically jumps out of his seat, opening the door before Lucas has the opportunity to knock again.

“Hi, baby.”

“Hi.” 

He reaches out and pulls Lucas into a kiss, tugging him inside before shutting the door behind him. It’s dim outside, the sky a glowing sort of red, and Jens hasn’t turned on any of the lights in the living room. Lucas grabs Jens’s waist as he kisses him back, smiling softly, and Jens sighs. 

“How are you?” Jens asks when they pull away. They’ve stepped back into the apartment, standing in the living room, making no move to leave or let go of each other. 

“Tired.” His voice is soft, and Jens brushed his fingertips over his freckled cheeks. Lucas’s eyes drift shut slightly.

“We were up pretty late last night.” 

“Mm.”

“Did you sleep on the train?” 

“Like a baby.”

Jens chuckles lightly, leaning down and kissing him gently. When he pulls away, Lucas’s eyes are half-closed, his mouth parted. 

“I fell asleep on Senne’s shoulder,” he says after a quiet second. “When we got off the train he said he let me because I was cute.”

“You are cute.”

“When I sleep, though?”

“Mm-hmm. We’ve fallen asleep on FaceTime enough times for me to know.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm.” He kisses him again. “You’re like Sleeping Beauty but… more beauty.”

Lucas scoffs, tilting his head up and kissing him again, gently biting his lip at Jens winds his fingers through his hair. Jens pulls away before licking his lips and pulling him back in, feeling as Lucas’s mouth opens under his, as Lucas’s grip on his waist tightens, his fingers curling unto the fabric of his t-shirt. 

“I missed you,” Lucas whispers when they pull back for a breath, and Jens kisses him before responding.

“It was only like a day.” 

Lucas sighs heavily. 

“I know.”

Jens laughs, pressing his lips to Lucas’s forehead. He can sense Lucas’s eyes closing, and they stay there. 

---

“Did you bring art to show me?” Jens asks several minutes later, when Lucas pulls his head away and presses a soft kiss to Jens’s cheek. 

“Mm… Kind of. I didn’t bring a book but I have pictures.” 

“Show me,” Jens says as he takes Lucas’s hand, pulling him down the hall to his room, and Lucas pulls his phone out of the pocket of his hoodie. When they enter Jens’s room, Lucas beams at the wall above his desk (Jens’s face burns a little bit) and he takes off his backpack, tossing it to the ground next to the bed. Jens jumps up onto the bed, crossing his legs as he faces Lucas, and Lucas sits across from him, swiping and tapping the screen of his phone as Jens watches fondly, his eyes soft. Lucas’s curls fall into his face as he focuses on the screen, and Jens reaches out and pushes them, holding them up so he can see Lucas’s face.

“Here.” Lucas holds his phone out and Jens takes it, spinning it around to look at the picture. “I did that one last week.” 

It’s a drawing of Zoë, lightly done in pencil. She’s looking over her shoulder, her hair parted in the middle, with a little hoop earring in. Jens zooms in, smiling softly.

“Woah.” 

“It’s like Girl With the Pearl Earring,” Lucas says. “That’s what Zoë makes me think of.” 

“Have you shown her?” 

“Not yet.” 

“You should.” Jens looks closer, bringing the phone up and zooming in more. They’re her eyes. Everything, from the way her hair falls to the tops of her shoulders, tucked behind her ear, to the gentle lashes around her eyes. Even the light in her eyes, the light that feels like the little secrets Jens doesn’t know about, is just like her, just like when Jens catches her eye at parties or at school. It’s like Lucas took a picture of her with his eyes, like he captured her spirit and soul in the picture, and put it on paper. “She’d love it.” 

He glances up and Lucas is looking at the ground, his cheeks pink. He’s wincing, a painful smile, and Jens shakes his head at him even though he doesn’t see. He’s always so shy about his art, even pieces that he’s proud of. Even if he spent hours on it, even if he stays up almost overnight to work on it, even if he rambles to Jens about how proud he is of it, as soon as Jens (or anyone else) says one word in praise, Lucas’s face burns up and he looks away, smiling bashfully. 

“Do you have any more?” Jens asks, passing Lucas’s phone back, not wanting to scroll without permission. 

“Uh, yeah, I have…” Lucas scrolls again before handing Jens the phone. “This is what I was doing last night. It’s drying on my desk.” 

Jens takes the phone, looking down as Lucas adds “It’ll probably be drying for the next two weeks.”

It’s colourful, the colour changing from cool to warm tones in blocky, geometric strokes of thick paint. He sees more colour when he looks closer, subtle hints of orange around the green, tiny dashes of blue in the red. There are circles and half-circles around the edges of the canvas, in yellow and white with wisps of pink, and what looks like subtle carvings of faces and hands in the paint.

“Holy shit.”

He looks up at Lucas, who is smiling almost expectantly. 

“This is oils?” Jens asks, looking back at the painting. 

“Mm-hmm.” 

“Woah.” 

He slides the photo over, looking closer, seeing shadows on the painting under the divots made in the paint by Lucas’s palette knife. 

“It’s beautiful.”

“Do you get it?” 

Jens looks up at him, confused. Lucas is wincing slightly, like he hadn’t meant to say it.

“What do you mean?” 

“I…” Lucas looks away, his eyes narrowing as he thinks. “Art is supposed to mean something, you know?” 

Jens nods.

“It’s supposed to say something.” Their eyes lock and Jens’s lips begin to curl into a smile. “Are you listening?”

Jen’s smile grows and he looks back at the painting, feeling Lucas watching him. He zooms back out of the painting, looking at the whole things, seeing the masses of paint smoothed onto the canvas, somehow both delicate and bold, seeing the tiny, thing grooves left in the paint from Lucas’s paintbrushes, noticing another eye he hadn’t seen before, seeing a brighter shade of blue he hadn’t noticed right in the centre of a few circles around the edges.

He looks at the painting.

Noticing.

And noticing.

And noticing.

Until—

“Oh.”

He hears Lucas let out a light laugh. 

“Do you hear it?” 

Jens looks up, a slow smile creeping across his face, and he gazes at Lucas. Lucas is smiling, his eyes sparkling, and Jens can’t stop himself. 

He leans over, across their legs, and kisses him. 

Lucas’s hands fly up, catching Jens’s face, sliding to hold the back of his head as Jens’s tongue slips across his lips, and Lucas lets out a quiet gasp. Jens reaches up, touching the side of Lucas’s face, angling his head and biting his lip before letting go. He moves, stepping off the bed slowly, not moving back too far from Lucas, whose hands are still holding Jens’s head, whose eyes are drifted shut so he looks sleepy, whose lips are parted. Jens turns away, his hand placed on Lucas’s leg, and clicks Lucas’s phone off before tossing it to the ground, aiming it at a blanket that had fallen off his bed. It lands with a small thump and Jens looks back to Lucas. 

Lucas hasn’t looked away from him, his eyes cloudy, and as soon as Jens is facing him, Lucas pulls him in. Jens stumbles, catching himself on the bed and Lucas’s leg as Lucas kisses him harder. As Jens feels Lucas’s tongue slide into his mouth, he gently pushes him, and Lucas moves back, pulling Jens with him, and Jens falls on top of him, landing between his legs and Lucas falls onto his back. 

Lucas wraps his arms around Jens’s neck and Jens holds himself up on his forearms, placed around Lucas’s head, framing him. He can hear Lucas making little sounds, soft breathy pants and faint hums, and he bites his lip gently, hoping to elicit more. 

It works. 

Lucas gasps, their lips separating, and his hands slide down Jens’s neck to his shoulders, holding his tightly for a second before, moving to his back, and Jens feels Lucas gather the fabric in his hands and tug gently. Jens meets his eyes, his own flickering back and forth between Lucas’s, and he pushes himself up, pulling Lucas with him. Jens kisses him again, pressing both his hands to Lucas’s face before moving his hands to Lucas’s sides, pulling the hem of his hoodie up, and Lucas pulls away for him to pull it over his head. 

It gets caught and Jens can hear Lucas’s laughter muffled under the fabric, and he grins, gently moving it so it goes over his head smoothly. When it’s off, Lucas leans in, kissing Jens messily as Jens tosses it away, and Jens can feel his smile against his mouth. 

Lucas pulls the hem of Jens’s shirt and Jens moves back, letting him pull it over his head. 

Lucas’s eyes drop when it’s off, skimming across Jens’s skin, and part of Jens wants to cross his arms over his chest and hide. Another part of Jens wants to lean over and kiss Lucas so he’ll stop looking, but before he can, Lucas is leaning forward, tilting his head, and pressing his lips to Jens’s skin, softly kissing over his shoulder and then his collarbone. Jens’s eyes close and he sighs. He can hear his own heart beating, can hear the heavy pounding in his chest, that Lucas covers with kisses, brushing his lips over the skin before moving up to the side of Jens’s neck. Jens shudders at the feeling of Lucas’s tongue and teeth skim his neck, at the feeling of him mouth around his earring. 

He pushes Lucas onto his back again, placing his arms around his head, shoving his face into Lucas’s, kissing him harshly, biting at his lip, hearing a quiet whimper escape Lucas’s throat. He feels Lucas’s legs wrap around him, lets out a quiet groan as Lucas pushes his hips against Jens’s. Lucas slides his hands to hold Jens’s face, pulling away just far enough that their lips still brush together, breathless. 

“Lu.”

A quiet whine.

“What do you want?”

Lucas’s eyes open, and it takes a second before they focus on Jens, the blue misted over as he pants quietly. 

“You.” 

Their eyes lock again, both intense and soft, before Jens kisses him, licking into his mouth almost lazily. 

“You’ll stop me if it hurts?” Jens asks, his fingers brushing over Lucas’s cheek.

Lucas nods. 

“Or if you’re uncomfortable or change your mind?” 

Lucas kisses him, sucking his lower lip. 

“Promise?” Jens asks when he lets go. 

“Promise,” Lucas responds breathlessly. 

Jens nods, moving down and pressing his lips to Lucas’s chest, trailing kisses across the skin of his chest and belly as Lucas’s hands float aimlessly in the air before landing on the bed and gathering the material of the sheets into loose fists. 

He glances up at Lucas before unbuttoning and unzipping jeans, and Lucas lifts his hips so Jens can slide them down, tugging his boxers down with them before tossing them away. (They land with his hoodie.) Jens presses his hands to his hips, sliding them over his thighs. 

Lucas is beautiful. 

Jens murmurs it to him absentmindedly, and Lucas flushes, smiling the same way he does when Jens praises his art. 

Jens presses a kiss to the top of his foot, to his ankle, his knee, above his knee, a slow kiss to his inner thigh (he hears Lucas’s breath stutter and he runs his hands down the sides of his legs).

He listens to Lucas’s gasps, the way he chokes on his breath as Jens takes him into his mouth. (He tries to pretend that he knows what he’s doing.)

“Jens—” 

Jens lifts himself up, leaning up, and Lucas reaches out, pulling him in by the neck, kissing him messily, sliding his tongue into his mouth, biting his lip, gasps and pants caught in the air between them. 

---

“Jens,” Lucas gasps. 

“Mm.” 

“I’m ready.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Baby, please.” 

His voice is high and strained, breaking slightly as he moans quietly when Jens takes his fingers from him. 

It’s a little bit before Jens is ready too, his hands too shaky to put the condom on right the first time, and then he holds himself above Lucas, gently pushing his curls out of his face. 

“Okay?” 

“Mm-hmm.” A whimper. 

Jens lets out a quiet moan as he pushes into him, feeling as Lucas’s hands slide up and grab his shoulders, and he stays for a second, his head dropped to Lucas’s neck. He can feel Lucas’s chest rise and fall against his, can feel all his blood rushing through his limbs,  can feel every cell in his body fucking glowing. He gently rocks his hips and Lucas clutches at his back, his nails scratching his faintly. 

There’s a moment where Jens pulls, tucks his hand under the small of Lucas’s back and draws him in closer, and Lucas lets out a gasp, his hands jumping from Jens’s shoulders to his head, grabbing his hair and grasping, holding on like he’ll fall apart if he lets go. 

It’s not long after that that Jens breaks. 

And Lucas puts him right back together again. 

--- 

Lucas is still breathing heavily when Jens lifts himself up. Their skin sticks together slightly, and Lucas’s hands fall from his hair, flopping on to the bed. His eyes flutter when he feels Jens get up, but he doesn’t move. 

Jens comes back with a damp towel, and he sits next to Lucas, gently wiping down his stomach and chest before pressing soft kisses to his forehead. Lucas opens his eyes and smiles, reaching up and pulling Jens down by his neck, kissing him, and Jens drops the towel before climbing over Lucas, pulling up a light blanket over them. 

Lucas comes in close, curling his hands against Jens’s chest, and Jens wraps his arms around him, sighing softly. He can smell Lucas’s hair, a smell that’s sweet, and citrusy, and distinctly him. (He smells like a G chord, Jens thinks fondly, and he smiles.) 

He didn’t close the curtains. It’s dark out, just dark enough that the streetlights are glowing, the light of them peering around the buildings neighbouring Jens’s apartment building. 

Jens lets his eyes drift shut. 

He can feel Lucas’s breathe on his chest,

There’s something he could say. 

Just a few small words, that Lucas might not even hear. He could say them to the air around them, to the stars and streetlights. 

But he doesn’t.

He doesn’t have to.

[jihyosforehead]

please I need mina and jihyo being soft?

theyre v soft babies prove me wrong!!

mina sometimes plants herself in jihyo’s lap randomly:

in between their sets backstage during concerts;  

while theyre hanging out between takes for a variety show theyre filming;

a movie’s playing and everyone’s squished themselves into their living room to watch;

(samo are sprawled across each other as usual, nayeons talked chaeyoung into sitting into her lap somehow, tzuyu is content to sit with her back leaning against jeongs shins, dahyun is off to the corner but close enough for sana to bother. and minas firmly situated in jihyos lap, with a heavy knit blanket thrown over their shoulders) 

on the dance practice floor when theyre taking water breaks - minas sitting in the natural v, jihyos legs make;

she’ll crawl into jihyos lap and settle herself comfortably there - honestly, mina reminds jihyo of a very young kitten

wedging herself into an impossibly small ball and curling herself under jihyos chin, nudging herself in the spaces that jihyo hadnt realised were mina spaces

jihyo lifts her arms up, just high enough to allow mina to crawl in, to be held 

it’s in the little things too: 

mina plugging jihyos phone in to charge when shes fallen asleep; sometimes setting an alarm (or two) so jihyo doesnt miss an early appointment

jihyo falls asleep in some of the oddest positions 

mina’s caught her asleep while setting her alarms for the next day, hands still gripping onto her phone, the screen lit up to show the clock alarm app 

other times, mina makes an extra mug of ginger-lemon-honey tea after a gruelling concert, to soothe jihyos throat (jihyo always does her best and doesnt think to also make herself a mug of tea after checking in on everyone)

jihyo takes the mug in both hands, not before encasing minas hands under hers, absentmindedly noting how the spaces between her fingers slot perfectly with mina’s, misses the way mina’s cheeks tinge pink at the casual affection

jihyo lets mina steal the blankets at night, lets her take all the sheets to her side of the bed and roll around in them, leaving jihyo freezing at 3:22am 

(jihyo snatches the heavy throw blanket laying at the foot of the bed for this exact reason - mina apologises to her the next day by making her a steaming mug of coffee, fixed extra strong with soy milk)

sometimes jihyo will have a really hectic, full on day -

(makeup at 4:30 am for a 7am photoshoot that runs for 3 hours, followed closely by an interview, theres a short break for lunch - eaten in the car on the way to a brand event. her day ends with a work-out session and running over tomorrow’s schedule with her managers) 

- and mina greets her with takeout boxes from jihyo’s fav spots, dorm cleaned and the other girls are preoccupied doing their own thing. jihyo exhales a breath she hadnt realised she was holding, the tension leaving her shoulders almost automatically, when mina grins up at her over her phone

when they go on tour, jihyo catches minas gaze from across the stage and there are reassuring messages left unsaid, but they echo loud and clear in minas mind (“youre doing well” -  “im proud of u” - “i love u!”)

mina thinks jihyo is adorable for wanting to learn how to play animal crossing or whatever other game jihyo digs out of minas organised game shelf

other times they just sit in the living room, or side-by-side on the couch doing their own thing

jihyos scrolling down her twitter feed, randomly liking posts while mina’s furiously chopping trees down on her animal crossing island;

quietly eating breakfast together because theyve somehow managed to wake up before everyone else and the dorm is uncharacteristically peaceful. the only noise comes from their hushed chewing or an occasional yawn

their eyes meet and jihyo internally notes that mina’s sleepy smile is probably the cutest thing shes ever seen and will never grow tired of seeing it

minas not rly a morning person

if she had the choice, she’d permanently start her days after 11am, but she might need to rethink that bc of the way jihyos face lit up after she’d agreed to an early breakfast, truly put the sun to shame

they stay up late chatting, lying on their sides talking about nothing and everything. its dark, and the room is dimly lit by their bedside lamp, but mina still notices how sparkly and brown and wide jihyos eyes are

they just really enjoy each other’s company;

they dont rly have much time outside of their busy days just due to the nature of their job, but theyd willingly forgo that time alone, to spend with each other

mina just wants to be alone with jihyo and talk about the weather

always has an urge to talk to jihyo. shes got nothing to say, nothing to talk about even. but she wants to tell jihyo all of her important nothings 

wants to tell her shes a fossil short of completing her museum; saw a dog on her morning walk with the exact same shade of gold fur like ray has; shes figured out how to make the double arrowhead pattern on her friendship bracelets

and jihyo is the same: this funny thing happened to me on the way to the gym this morning, and mina is the only one she’ll tell 

jihyo brings the girls home to her family during the holidays, and while nayeon and jeongyeon are fond, but lovable menaces, mina is gradually growing to be her mother’s favourite 

mina introduces jihyo to her family when they go to japan for their first tour

mina’s never seen her dog warm to someone so quickly before

jihyo, meanwhile, has found herself trapped under a sleeping puppy whenever she visits

more often than not, mina feels lost, out of place, overwhelmed and jihyos there holding her hand, with gentle reassurances, and soft smiles reserved just for her

mina hardly knows where to begin, but jihyos a safe place to start 🥰

[kirishwima]

“I think I’m in love with you and that scares me half to death.” Lance to Keith maybe? B) but anything is fine

you know just what to send to break my heart now don’t you? B))

Hope you like it!

From these prompts

*****

There’s something about looking at old photographs.It’s not tangible, it’s not an emotion you can really describe.

Keith would call it nostalgia, but it’s not, not really.

There’s nothing nostalgic in the photos where he stands alone, a pouty child that doesn’t look to the lens, the person behind it not catching his interest, not meeting his gaze.

There’s nothing nostalgic in the photographs he sent to his brother Shiro in his high school years, sitting behind a desk with bloodshot eyes and cigarettes roughly hidden in the background, photographs captured and sent only to prove that he’s alive and as well as he could be when staying alone, when his apartment was always too dark, too quiet. Too lonesome.

He supposes, though, that the feeling changes as he scrolls through his phone, looking to his recent photographs.

It starts slow.

A photograph of him, Shiro, Matt and Pidge, all looking to the camera with tired smiles, after a day of packing and moving; it was the day he and Pidge moved in together to start university, anxiety in their stomachs and a rush on their cheeks.

There’s more, of Pidge trying to reach a cupboard and standing on a chair on her tiptoes. Matt, playing video games with Shiro, his mouth open as if yelling, Shiro smirking as he glares at the screen.

Then come more people.

There’s Allura, her elbow resting cheekily on Shiro’s shoulder, looking to the lens with an effortless beauty, a small smile and a wink. Keith is somewhere in the background, his lips turned into a frown, a pile of books to his side.

Here comes Hunk next, a shy smile and hands forming the victory sign, Keith standing next to him with a neutral expression, Pidge in-between them holding a teddybear that’s the same height as her, the blinking lights of an arcade behind them.

Then there’s Lance.

A blurry photo at first, one he took himself with a casual smile and half lidded eyes, which he then instructed Keith to set as his contact photo.

Another of Lance and Hunk, devilish smirks and a few more with expressions more ridiculous than the other, on a day Keith left them unsupervised with his phone.

There’s a photo of Lance and Keith that Hunk took last year on halloween, dressed as Scully and Mulder, Lance’s height simply unfair in the short black heels he was wearing, his wig falling slightly to the side. Pidge is there too in the back, dressed in a green morph suit with beady black eyes, holding a sign saying ‘I want to believe’.

Keith won’t admit to taking the next few photos.If anyone asks, he’ll insist it wasn’t him that took them, that he doesn’t even know how they ended up on his phone.

But there’s a photo of Lance, his eyes shut and lips parted, his cheek resting on his palm, glasses pushed up and expression serene, half-asleep over a pile of medical books.

Keith only took it to tease him for it after, for falling asleep in the middle of a study session.He never expected his stomach to twist and turn, for his heart to leap, hands shakily begging to go through Lance’s hair, to feel the urge to kiss the silly expression off the boys’ lips.

There came more candid photos after that.Of Lance having coffee, the froth of it sticking to his upper lip like a moustache, one eyebrow arching as he recognises what happened. There’s sunlight hitting his eyes, making them impossibly lighter, his skin molten and expression incredulously adorable.

Lance, with his fingers hidden in his sweater and covering half his face, nose red from the cold, looking to the camera, to Keith with a frown, eyebrows furrowing yet eyes full of emotion.

Lance with his damn grin, showing off white teeth and crinkles by his eyes, glasses resting on his head and pushing tuffs of hair back and away from his face, and then another immediately after, the softest of expressions on his face, his smile small and gentle, an emotion in them Keith can’t pinpoint.

This isn’t love.He can’t let it be love.

Lance is Keith’s friend, has been for years now, and Keith would be lying if he said he didn’t dream of the day he could stand across Lance and tell him what he feels, what the butterflies in his stomach do to him, how his heart threatens to burst each time Lance smiles his way.

But he also knows that whatever it is he has with Lance is fragile, not malleable in the least bit.

He knows Lance, knows how he flirts, how he leans close and winks towards people he finds attractive, with that sly smirk and raising eyebrows, body languid in what he’s conveying.

He knows Lance would never choose him.

With a sigh, he puts his phone down, exiting the photos app, looking to the door of the half-empty coffee shop as the bell chimes over it clink, three figures he’s come to recognise in a crowd slowly entering and coming his way.

Keith nods and smiles, digging his nails in his palms when Lance takes notice of him and his lips turn upwards, a laugh and hello already on his tongue.

Keith can’t lose this.He can’t lose Lance.

Even if the feelings eat him up on the inside.

*****It’s the middle of exam season, the library becoming Keith and Lance’s second home, Pidge and Hunk content to visit every so often and bring the two coffees and snacks, since their exam period is different from theirs; they’re in engineering and Lance and Keith are in medical sciences.

They’ve been at it since morning, gobbling up book after book, information entering and exiting their brains at impossible rates.

It’s around midnight when Lance groans across of him, stretching in his seat before slumping down, his chin hiding into the fabric of his hoodie.

“I’m tired” he exclaimed with a huff, slipping lower and lower into his seat.

“Drink some coffee?” Keith offered, nudging his still warm plastic cup to Lance who accepts is with a pout, bringing it to his lips before coughing and pushing it back to Keith in disgust.

“It’s sweet! It’s so sweet oh my god I feel my pancreas dying-“

Even through his antics Keith laughs, relishing in the way Lance exaggerates and frowns, going as far as to stick his tongue out, looking to the offending coffee with a menace.

“It’s not even that bad” Keith shrugged.“It is the living embodiment of bad” Lance retorted, “how do you even drink this?! It’s so sweet!”

Keith couldn’t prepare for what he’d say next.It was probably because of the fatigue, because of the blurriness in his vision, because of the stars he saw in Lance’s eyes when he turned to face him, big baby blues looking to him, hair tousled and lips pursed.

“You’re sweet.”

Neither of them spoke for a minute, simply looking to one another with wide eyes, Keith realising what he said a little too late.

Lance blinked once, twice, mouth flapping open and close before he looked away, his sleeve-covered knuckles reaching up to hide his face.

“Sweet-I’m-don’t tease me like that” he mumbled.

Keith was about to apologise, before Lance continued, catching him off guard.

“If anything, you’re sweet” he whispered, so quiet it’d be otherwise lost in sound if not for the quietness of the library.

Keith said nothing, choosing instead to gulp and look back to his books, photos of bone and muscle swirling and blending.   , unable to delete the image of Lance’s flustered mind from his memory.

He wished he could have snapped a photo of that expression.He just prayed his mind would never remove it from memory.

*****The instances where Keith’s tongue slipped increased, and so did the times Lance would stare and blush, hiding into the comfort of his sleeves and shaking his head as Keith pondered why he’d just said whatever it is he’d just said.

He wasn’t sure why, but there was something about the way Lance shied away that made his chest grow tight, heartbeat increasing.

Lance was never one to shy away from attention.He relished in the way people called him handsome or smooth, he’d smirk when girls giggled at his jokes, wink to boys who flirted back.

Why would he shy away from a mere comment of Keith’s?

The thoughts ate Keith up inside, to the point where he’d stay up at night, sitting on his windowsill with a dying cigarette, looking to the sky for answers, but to no avail.

He wouldn’t get his answer until a month later, on a lazy night at his apartment when Pidge was out with Matt and Allura.

He was content with staying in for the night, maybe get some work done and play some of the video games Shiro brought with him on his last visit.

It was nearing midnight when his phone buzzed, getting two messages at once.

(1) Pidgetron: “ay keef, im stayin @ alluras tonight. dont burn the house down k”

He sighed and replied a quick ‘OK’, heading to the text under hers.

(1)Lancey Lance: “hey can are u at home?”

That made him sit up from the couch he was laying on, looking intensely to his phone.

“Yeah, what’s up?” He replied hastily, holding his phone in his hand while he walked around the apartment, waiting for a reply.

His phone buzzed soon enough, a few consecutive messages in a row.

(4)Lancey Lance: “can i come over?”(3)Lancey Lance: “its late but i just..”(2)Lancey Lance: “no never mind, its fine”(1)Lancey Lance: “goodnight :)”

Keith clicked his tongue and wasted no time punching in Lance’s number and calling, waiting a few rings until Lance picked up.

“Hey, my favourite Mulletman-“ Lance started, and the hoarseness of his voice, strained with the faked high-pitch happiness made Keith’s stomach churn.

“You can come over, or I’ll come by. What’s better for you?”

He heard Lance’s breath hitch, before returning to the same tone as before.

“It’s about the texts isn’t it-look it’s no big deal, I’m sorry I worried you-“

“Lance, don’t. I know you. You don’t-you don’t have to do this.” He breathed into the phone, moving to the door and already grabbing his coat and motorcycle keys, “I’ll be at your place in 20 minutes. Is Hunk there?”

Lance gulped.“No. He’s at that hiking club weekend camp.”

Keith hummed in response, locking the door and heading down the hallway.“I’ll be there soon.”

Lance said nothing, and that in itself worried Keith.

“See you soon Lance” he said before moving the phone away from his ear.

“…Thanks” he heard Lance say before disconnecting the call.

*****

True to his word, he was there within 15 minutes, standing outside Lance and Hunk’s apartment, waiting for Lance to get to the door.

Lance opened it, and the view of him was something Keith wished he’d never have to see again.

Lance’s eyes were red and puffy, his smile strained and bleary, looking scrawnier than Keith remembered him in his oversized shirt and sweatpants, gait slow and tired.

Keith walked in, and a few minutes later found them on the balcony, looking down to the busy city through the bed of flowers and succulents Hunk and Lance planted on the sill, an ashtray balancing between them.

The times Keith saw Lance smoke were rare. There was the odd time during finals, when the stress got too much and the bitter taste was a welcome distraction. There’s a photo somewhere in Keith’s phone of the sight, Lance’s eyes half-lidded and lips pursed as he blows out smoke, thick lashes posing shadows on his cheekbones.

This time was different.Lance was slow and deliberately quiet, illuminated only by the city lights and occasional red and blue of a passing police car, face taunt and back slumped, elbows resting on the metal bars not covered yet by leaves.

Keith couldn’t take it, being so close but unable to do something, to bring the smile he loved back.

“You know” he started, his breath coming out as misty smoke in the cold air, “we don’t have to talk about it. Not if you don’t want to. But you-you should know that I’ll be here if you need anything okay? I can stay over until Hunk comes back, or I can call Pidge or Allura for you-“

He didn’t get to finish his sentence before he got an armful full of Lance, his hands opening in instinct before coming to rest on Lance’s shaking back, Lance’s head on his chest.

It was short, just enough to feel the warmth of the taller boy before Lance hurriedly pulled back, shaking his head.

“You’re-you’re really too damn good. I don’t deserve you.”

The words made Keith shiver, the way Lance whispered them, the air too tense, the city noise and bustle quieting down for this moment between them.

Lance’s breaths were ragged and shaky as he continued.

“I don’t deserve to love you.”

Keith stared as Lance huffed a laugh while pushing the butt of his cigarette to the ashtray, eyes purposely looking away from him.His smile tugged down, turning into a frown, into gritted teeth as his nose scrunched up and his jaw clenched, tears coloured by street lamps pooling on the sides of his eyes.

Lance rubbed furiously at his face with the back of his sleeve, the sounds of quiet sobs each like a kick to Keith’s chest.

“I-I think I’m in love with you and that scares me half to death” Lance whispered between cries, curling into himself.

Keith took a step closer, unable to form words, unable to comprehend what he’d just heard.

“It’s been like this for so long and-and I didn’t mean to, I don’t want to ruin this and I know I shouldn’t, and it won’t lead anywhere, but it hurts it hurts so much to keep it a secret for so long and it’s been-“

“Lance-“

“I know you’re the literal perfection and I’m just me and there’s a million reasons you shouldn’t like me back I know that and it’s dumb but-“

“Lance I-“

“I’ve got a messed up head and I cry too much and speak too loud and I’m too insecure and obnoxious and-“

“LANCE!”

His voice cut through their previous whispered conversation, through the barricade Lance had made with his hands in front of his face, his back on the wall and blinking eyes staring to Keith.

Keith took two steps and bridged the distance between them, his hands meeting Lance’s wrists and gently tugging them down, never breaking eye contact.

“I’m gonna kiss you now. Is that okay?”

Lance’s tears stopped, his lips trembling.

“Is that okay?” Keith repeated, waiting stubbornly for an answer.

Lance’s expression was one of frozen shock but he nodded, and that was all the invitation Keith needed before tilting his head up and kissing him, slow and careful, contrasting the way he still held Lance’s wrists in both hands, pinning him against the wall before releasing his hands in favour of cupping his face, rubbing the remainder of his tears with his thumbs.

“I love you. God dammit I’m in love with you, been in love with you for so long” he said between kisses, Lance’s breaths now matching his, “and you tell me we’ve been in love with each other all this time? That we were both too scared to admit it?”

Keith breathed a laugh, his own tears welling up, only different, happier, like anguish being released from his heart.

“Ridiculous. You stand there, trying to tell me you’re not the literal sun in a human form, listing off things I love about you like they’re flaws-“ he rolled his eyes and kissed Lance again until they were both gasping for air, looking to one another, Lance’s eyes still wide and lips parted, Keith’s stare stern and leaving no room for Lance to question his feelings.

“You don’t-when? Since when?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s since the first time we met. It just took a while to realise it.”

“We-we love each other?”

“Yeah, we do” Keith laughed, knocking his forehead onto Lance’s.

“You don’t think I’m not worth it?”

Keith moved back, looking to Lance, Lance with his face flushed despite the winter cold, lips plump and tear lines dried and etched onto his cheeks, palms on the wall to support his shaking legs.

“You’re absolutely worth it. And I’ll be here with you, for you until you realise it. And after that” Keith breathed, his words sincere and  voice shaking, “As long as you want me.”

“You’ll get tired.” Lance retorted.

“Never.”

“I cry a lot.”

“I know.”

“No like, a lot. And I complain. Constantly. And take too long to get ready.”

Keith snorted.“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“And you love me?”

He smiled.“I love you,” he said, “I was scared, I was so damn scared thinking you’d never love me back, trying to convince myself I was fine with us just being friends but-but I can’t. I love you.”

Lance was the one to take a step forward this time, moving from the wall and onto Keith, wrapping him in a bruising hug.

“You smell like smoke.”

They both laughed, the sounds of cityscape returning.

“And you taste like it, but you don’t see me complaining now do you?” Keith smirked, the sarcasm in his tone a trait Lance had managed to rub off onto him.

The laugh that followed is something he could only wish he’d be able to capture on film.

For now he was content to let it ring in his ears for as long as he could let it.

****

A few hours later found them huddled in Lance’s bed, content to look to one another, whispering quiet reassurances and sleepy ‘I love you’s.

Lance went to wrap an arm around Keith’s waist, wincing and sitting back up when his hands made contact with the hem of Keith’s high waisted jeans.

“You-you’re wearing pants!” Lance shrieked.

“Yeah..?” Keith’s cheeks felt like they were on fire. What-what was Lance saying?!

“You are wearing skinny jeans, in bed.” Lance stated, “What the hell Keith?”

Lance moved, leaning out of his bed and reaching for his drawers.“No skinny jeans allowed in bed. Nuh-uh. Here” he grabbed a pair of sweatpants, throwing them to Keith’s chest, “put on something comfortable!”

Keith raised an eyebrow.“Why? They’re pretty comfy, and I don’t have to get up and change in the morning”

The look Lance gave him could only be described as heinous.

“Change, now, or risk spending the night without cuddles.”

Keith didn’t need to be told twice.

****A pair of sweatpants and folded jeans later, Lance was laying in bed, scrolling through his phone, his small giggles and sleepy eyes brighter with the screen’s light, tuffs of hair pushed away from his eyes.

He turned to Keith with a grin when he sat back down on the bed, Lance wasting no time in tugging Keith back down and besides him, phone still in hand.

“A selfie!” He huffed, opening his camera app and turning it to the front-facing lens, “we need a selfie! This is an important event.”

Keith smiled but shook his head.“I look like death.”

“You look handsome as always. I look like death, and I want a selfie”

 Lance pouted, making it impossible for Keith to not kiss the pout off his lips.

He pulled away when he heard the click of a camera.

“Ha!” Lance grinned victoriously, then turned to face the screen as he took one more photo, just in time for Keith to look to the phone with a bemused gaze.

Lance tugged the phone closer to his chest, clicking through the two photos and showing them to Keith.

They were a bit blurry, both of them looking worse for wear, Keith’s cheeks puffed and Lance’s smirk devilish, a glint in his eyes that spelled trouble in the second pic, his eyes blown wide and face half hidden in the first one, Keith’s face turned to the side and lips meeting Lance’s.

“I’m using that as a screensaver” Lance stated.

Keith sleepily hummed, throwing a hand over Lance’s chest.

He made a mental note to tell Lance to send him those photos tomorrow.

After all, they’d have a millions tomorrows to share together from now on.

****

hit that reblog button if u too have slept in ur clothes just to have those five more minutes the next morning :’3

-Support me on Ko-Fi-

[theday]

anyways, ill say bye now... i hope ure well rested and have a good day!! (wait, i remember what i wanted to ask!! at least i think this is what i wanted to ask? anywys, do u know what u want to do now that ure finished w school? if u dont mind me asking, of course, i understand if u think its a bit personal!) ok, now im done, have a good day!! take care and stay hydrated!! (and now i really did send u a bunch of asks..)

omg i hope u dont mind but ill be answering the stuff from ur last ask here (the one where i… deleted everything) under cut bc itll be 2x longer now

so first !!!!! how i got into kpop!!! it was thanks to my good pal (@.briwoon) boxy! i follow her on twitter and despite her being a day6 stan twt i had her unmuted anyway bc.. after years of being an anime blog on tumblr and seeing all my anime mutuals slowly converting into kpop blogs one by one i was able to filter the kpop out of my brain?? smth like that since back then i wasnt into kpop and i didnt want to unfollow since im mutuals with most of them :-0 

another backstory - i was one of those people who never saw themselves getting into kpop? and i think the main reason was bc i thought liking kpop would make u seem lame?? due to the influence from people around me?? but as years went by and as my mutuals changed interests it stopped bothering me and that mindset kind of just? faded away bc who am i to call other people’s happiness bad?? but despite being okay with it i never really made the move to get into any groups lmao that was until i got tired of my interest at that time (seiyuu, japanese voice actors) and my interests would always. not last?? idk so maybe thats why i didnt want to get invested but it happened regardless 

anyway usually i wouldnt take notice of her rts but this . this beautiful man with orange hair and minion glasses caught my eye when i was scrolling through my timeline and i was like o worm? oh mu god? hes beautiful? so i slid into her dms and asked her whomst the beautiful man was and she sent me all their mvs after that from congratulations to i smile (the most recent mv at that time, late june) for me to watch :-D now at that time, from what little knowledge i had of kpop.. i understood that groups would be singing and dancing so i was prepared to see some sick moves or smth?? but then. i clicked on miss i smile and my wig flew off? bc… wtf.? they were playing instruments???? and they sounded good ??? so i was like oh my god? a band??????

before day6 i also had (have) a preference for bands and the way their music sounds so i was like?? ready to just. get on board yknow?? i watched how can i say and i saw the lanky noodle wearing glasses and i was like o fuck mu life? i caved and asked boxy for their names and other information and best decision of my life bc.. they really make me happy!!! after that like the day after ? myabe they did a vlive and i was like o shit? what do i do… so i downloaded the vapp and wowie i love it? its my second home…… i watched every vlive they had at that time and i thought that was a lot… (it isnt, compared to mx) and i was just rly content??

(ok i know u asked for kpop and not … day6 or other groups bc im gonna talk abt how i got into mx and astro too bc…… how can i Not.. u can skip this part tho i just wanna ramble abt my loves? ill tell u when u can continue)

that was peak happiness for me at that time.. until… boxy started talking about monsta x in our groupchat (with @.tokayhk) and she would just ramble abt this kihyun fella (who i vaguely knew bc my real life friend likes him and mx and i bought her his pc before along with the guilty clan part 2) so i was like hmm interesting… and honestly? i wasnt going to get into monsta x i really wasnt planning on asking her abt them (since i was scared id lose interest in day6 right after) but then.. she started linking videos and i .. my resolve crumbled down as i heard monsta x yelling and … this beautiful cover (which boxy sent to show us how powerful kihyuns vocals are but i was 2 focused on mister aka minhyukku) and she told us how funny these monsta men are and i was like o h no…………….. eventually one day in late august i asked her to tell me more about these monstas…… aftert that i watched every mxray episode (starting from season 2 bc i dont know 1 comes before 2) and even though i didnt know anyone who was on screen except jooheon i found it really funny and?? it made me laugh so much i love mx?? ya… boxys kind of like my guardian angel?? shes really the reason im living tbh… introducing me to all these lovely people?? thank u miss boxy i love u

now. for the astrosus….. they were a bit different.. because i didnt have boxys help and they were the first group i took interest in solely bymyself so i knew i was in for a wild ride (at first, i couldnt even differentiate brian from sungjin in day6 lmao) after stanning monsta x and day6 i became more?? open to kpop and i started watching unhelpful guides on youtube bc . they were funnie and idk its nice??/ and i stumbled upon the astro one (which wasnt that funny but more helpful than anythng) and i was like. oh worm? the cicada group… bc i watched a short clip of them catching that stupid cicada in their office as it appeared on my tl one day so i clicked on the video ..and after watching that it led me to another video of astro being extra for 6 minutes and those six minutes/????? best six minutes of my life because theyre so fnny and they made me laugh a lot? (combined with the editing from op) so bc they were funnie i decided to look them up and read their profiles/??? i watched their nimdle video and only knew mj bc his tag was the two letters m and j lol but it really made me bust both of my lungs i just?? laughed A Lot 

im not sure how i managed to put name to face so quickly but it mightve been bc after the nimdle videos i watched every ddoca and astro play as well as their vlives available bc..  i just inhale the content at godspeed?? 

for mx and astro i was drawn in by their personalities before their music because they were on more variety shows and had more chances to show dorky they all are which made it way quicker for me to fall for the two groups??? for day6 its a bit sad but the weekly scheduled vlives arent enough for me to tell what kind of people they are (although those r still hilarious) i just wish they would go on more variety shows?? its understandable if they themselves dont want to be on any shows though!!! i love all 3 groups with all my heart :-D 

ok if u skipped u can start from here ill be answering the questions now lmao

FIRSTof all,,,,, youre learning how to drive?? thats so cool >:-0 we’re not allowed to learn until we’re like...?? 18?? or 21 idk but not so Soon :-( and its cute u think abt me (or of what to say) but pleaseth stay safe... i hope ur driving lessons go smoothly until u end theM!!! hopefully youll be able to get ur licence :-D 

aNDD!!! the thought of drinking warm tea when its cold outside.. is so ?? nice to think about hecc u better drink that tEA and enjoy it !!!! stay warm and comfy miss RM ..... and it even snows there????? thats so cool tbh ?? (i love snow but maybe thats bc it doesnt snow here so i dont know the tru evil of snow but like.... its so.... white and fluffy??) i would ask u 2 take pics and show me but alas...... the time is not right :-( do u know when we’re allowed to expose ourselves?? i forgot rip... but its sometime next month right im excited???? since its near my birthday !!!!! 

ok now to answer this ask no i actually have no clue what i want to be after i finish school?? yikEs but last year i (jokingly) said i wanted to be a farmer??? idk if i might actually do that probably not i guess im just freestyling (going with the flow) for now we’ll see where life takes me 

and like i said u can ask me anything !!! im fine with it :-) alsooooo please dont ever feel bad about sending too many asks bc its a lovely thing to wake up to and i just?? get rly happy when i see all the asks in my activity :-D!!