#pity that my past self didnt write it

[ohsweetflips]

warning 4. i am going off abt a jgy post from 2020 bc it's basically "tell me u didnt understand the character without saying that u didnt understand the character" and ik it's from 2020 i am just flabbergasted. i dont usually do this but it's almost midnight and i saw red for a little while

first things first, obligatory "i love jgy and he is one of my faves" tagline. bc im abt to tear a fraction of a take apart bc it talks abt jgy as the villain in an incredibly incorrect way

second things second:

[id: a text post saying, "some facts: nobody likes jgy unless they're fucking him. he's not charming! he's a sycophantic lil snot whole platitudes and niceties are transparently hollow. the really skilled act comes out when he appears to put down the nervous hostess schtick and turns into someone vulnerable and wronged." /end]

not 2 be that person who screenshots posts from 2020 but this is driving me up a wall. this is quite literally not even in the way of "the novel literally states that jgy was overall well-liked bc even if someone didn't love them, they didn't hate him" but also like. a lot of the people basically pre-parlor-room-reveal who didn't like jgy, didn't like him bc he was the son of a prostitute. it was classism. they only "accepted" him bc he made himself palatable so he would not be scorned. bc he was the son of a prostitute. that's it. and if u pull the "well wang/xian knew he was the villain" im going to remind u that wang/xian had a fucking corpse arm (or sabre, depending on the adaptation) literally leading them to jgy. that was their fucking red flag, not wwx in his first life being like "hm i dont think jgy is genuine :("

im not even gonna comment on the "he isnt charming" bc that's just quite literally not true. like im sorry, i will look past my own personal favorable thoughts on jgy and tell u this: u literally cannot manipulate that many people without charm. that is kinda how manipulation works. this should not be news.

also why is it so hard for some of u to get through ur skulls that "victim" and "person who does harm" are not mutually exclusive like jgy can be--and is--both. if u stop seeing these two things as The Binary That Cannot Intersect then ur media analysis will be so much better i promise

there is a post that goes around occasionally that talks abt how sc/um vi/llain is mx/tx's self-fulfilling prophecy based on how people treat md/zs and honestly sqh was so right for saying that no one knows how to treat villains normally. the moment someone is like "hey the villain had pitiful things happen to them" y'all start shitting urselves. bc obviously, good things can only happen to good people, and bad things can only happen to bad people, so if a bad thing happens to a character, it must be bc they are a bad person who deserved it and should never receive any sympathy ever for anything that has happened in their life.

i swear 2 god some of this just feels like mx/tx is the one writing cool, nuanced, multi-faceted characters and then u guys are like "i knew this character was going 2 be evil bc they are so obviously gross and bad and everyone has always hated them for good reason. no i am not at all affected by knowing that the protags are tailing this character. wait what do u mean the protags found out this character was the villain through Tangible Evidence and didn't just go based off of vibes alone?"

like im all for loving ur villains and saying "hey they did stuff that was fucked up" but jgy is a narrative villain who had shitty stuff done to him that made him the way he is. things that, honestly, are very pitiful. and i, for one, love him! i feel bad for things that happen to him, i say "hey jgy what the fuck," and most of all, i just love the character, vices and virtues and all! it is possible to feel bad for a character and love said character and also not be like "so thus everything he did is fine and should have no narrative consequence." i am begging u guys like please these stories are for adults can we move past analysis we would do in high school

(also "nobody likes jgy unless they're fucking him" like okay yeah just throw out the whole nuances of 3/zun as a whole and do ur analysis through shipping. i would write this off as a joke that isn't funny if it didn't precede. everything else here. this is why people say that viewing everything in media through shipping leads to flat, one-dimensional analysis. <3)

[wtfuggg]

1st?

Writing this for myself. I think. I don't really know what I'm doing starting this; probably the same reason that I've bought 6 journals from Whitcoulls and not once have I made it past 4 entries. I think I love the idea of having my thoughts in one place so I can reflect back and see what I thought at a specific time. Such a shame my memory stretches back to max last weekend.

Like, my memory now is horrifically bad. I don't even recall what I had for lunch yesterday, let along what I did at work today. My grandma had Alzheimers, so maybe it's started making its way down to me. Finger's crossed it isn't but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised, I feel like my dad's side of the genetics (aka my fucked up hairline) is predominent in my make up. Sad right?

Anyways, I wish I could just reflect back on my life and instantly recall what I felt. I wish I could look back in time and remember what I thought when I was in the closet? Or what I felt when my mum passed away? Or when I was in love with my best friend's American flatmate? God I wish I had written down my thoughts more often, time is flying by incredibly fucking fast. And it's scary. And it's daunting. And its all the synonyms of "frightening" you can think of.

Here goes my first entry. Digital this time, so maybe I wont be as ceebs when it comes to this in comparison to when I grab a pen and paper and I feel like I'm in an indie little film x

Bur for real, I wanna start this little blog off with how I'm, feeling right now. Right now is Friday the 15th of September 2023. A week prior to my one year anniversary at work. A year and a month since I've moved to Auckland. 2 years since I graduated uni. 2 years since my mum died. 3 years since covid. God, isn't it weird how you think of time through milestones? Like why can't everyday just be a milestone. I guess its self explanatory - and I guess I'm only frustrated that I can't remember my life.

I'm already ceebs writing this not gonna lie hahahaha, but I'm gonna push through but maybe I break this down into more bit sized chunks. Next one I'll do a piece on how I push people away, maybe sprinkle a little bit of self pity and self loathing into that one xox

Right now, I feel like I'm going through it - but not in the same way that I've gone through it in the past. I think it's some sort of growth, but I couldn't be certain. I really have no idea what I'm feeling. I wish I could say. I mean a few nights ago, I was ranting to my flatmate how I'd wanna go back to Christianity, then the following day I was sending Gavin Caselegno messages asking him for dick pics? Like I cant seem to make my mind up. God it must be so exhausting to be around me. I pity myself. I pity anyone around me to be honest. Don't think anyone should be around me. Why? Cause I'm fucking up and down man, every single day. I could be happy one moment and be depressed as fuck the next. It's a constant cycle of being inconsistent. If it's tiring for me, I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like for anyone in close proximity to me. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this too much. No one actually cares. Genuinely no one. So maybe I just live my life how I wanna live it lol.

I think it's all catching up to me - being indecisive that is. I feel my entire life has been a mask - I don't really know myself and thats why I cant control my emotions. In fact, for a little while i thought everyone was faking their emotions cause i didnt feel any. Probably up until 2021, I genuinely thought that there was something wrong with me cause I never felt any 'real' emotion. Or If i did, I didn't think they were real, or I didn't have the emotional capacity to rationalise them. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel all the emotions, but empathy is something I dont think I have.

That's another thing too. I'm so fucking selfish its insane hahahaha, Like I feel like I'm only ever concerned about myself. But so be it, am i right? No one's ever been there for me. Friends drift away, relationships drift away, even family, who i thought would be forever.. also drift away.. how fucking sad hey. Mateeeee honestly now that I'm starting to unpack this I feel like this will take way longer than anticipated lol. maybe this can be my little therapy book x

Kinda tired writing - so maybe i give this up and save it for another time. My flatmates are also watching a fucking show and I can't sleep and its grinding my gears damn. Anyways, okay signing off. Gonna check back in soon x

[sh1tido4you]

I havent written in like a year. Not like anyone actually cared or anything but i mean nobody even reads what i write. So this is all really just a waste of time. But i wanna talk to people. I want to feel heard, sometimes i dream of getting on stage and scream the words thats been wrapped around my neck for a long long time. But at the same time, i dont wanna be pitied. I hate the faces people make when they pity u it just makes u feel even more pathetic than u actually are. I just want to get this out of my chest u know? Ive really been struggling. I struggled my way out through my childhood. I was molested by my own family, i dated men thrice my age in primary school. I was abused, physically and mentally for years and at the same time taking care of my sister. I grew up poor. I grew up with no money but we had enough to live. Every day i wake up i think of ways to escape home, i didnt even have anyone to turn to. It got so bad i started self harming. I wanted to die so bad that i prayed for it, and gosh i still do. Im not a good person. Ive done some really bad things, people find me bad and theyre right. I keep telling myself that im a person of good heart but i know my evil my demons know me. Theyre apart of me and they will always be. Im not pretty. Im not strong, im not smart. I dont have a hot body, my hair is thin. My family is broken, and im very poor. Dont get me wrong im grateful for what i have but the truth is there im just unlucky in so many aspects of life. Ive had uncountable amount of exes in the past and to be frank i still dont know why. I have an amazing boyfriend, this year it'll be our 4th anniversary. Yeah, longest relationship ive been in. Hes from a beautiful family, financially stable parents and good relationship with his siblings. He has a big no huge family and he is really lovely. I dont know what seems to be the problem but i am starting to be unhappy. I feel like he is going to abandon me some day and no matter how hard i try to convince myself otherwise, deep down i know it'll happen. And the worst part is that he should. Hes amazing and im nothing good, in a disgrace, im a girl destined to always fail. Ive failed at everything but please, i dont wanna fail at love. Love is extraordinary, its something i genuinely feel so much with great force its my strength. I am full of it but i deserve none because im a horrible person inside and out. But we all crave for something we dont deserve right? Hes been making me feel like shit lately and i know he didnt mean that but i can feel him slowly fading out of my life and im so scared of getting abandoned again especially not him. I feel my safest when im with him in fact hes the only person i can really, truly count on. So im scared like hell. Damn it denver please dont run away. Im sorry im so selfish but i cant live like this anymore. I dont want to go through my shit for my entire life alone. My parents they dont get it. They think the that the main reason to my unending problems is because i dont pray enough. They think that the only solution to all my problems is simply just pray them all away. I wish it was that simple. They dont know how i kneeled down, sobbing and praying that God will end this all away. In the toilet, at 3 am with blood dripping down my arm. Its just too hurtful that i started to pray to just die. If He doesnt want me to stop suffering then He can just end me its that easy. God why do u hate me? Why cant i feel light like the other children? Why do i always have to be strong, isnt this enough? Havent i suffered enough? What more are u trying to prove? Until when? Im just so tired. Theres so many responsibilities i have to take as i get older, the amends i have to make with people that i dont want to have in my life just for the sake of being a good person. I want to live freely and happy and loved and safe. But then again, we all crave for something we dont deserve right?

[sicklyseraphnsuch]

huh... yeah i guess

I just never read it like that

Disclaimer, I was already writing prior to the finale that I saw hints at Simon essentially sugarcoating or softening his view of the past, which was contributing to his myopia which in turn was spiraling him into depression

(this got stupid long sorry)

tl;dr: i just never saw it as a blame game, pointing fingers scenario, i fully believe the finale's message was saying "hey i fucked up, but thats not the end of my story" not "simon, why didnt you do x, y, z?"

because simon is at peace in the end, or hes on the road to peace - which he wouldnt be if the finale was just all about pointing out how badly he fucked up

it did point out that he fucked up, but optimistically so like constructive criticism, "here's where you went wrong because i want you to feel better" type way - plus i think simon needed to hear some hard truths - not all at once, not spelled out like hes a kid, and not at the final episode

and i think that it was never a question of simon sacrificing for betty more than it was simon being more considerate (thats the part of the linked post which is a little too heavy handed for me). no one's asking simon to sacrifice anything, thats the point!

so in my head, it wasn't so much as "you need to appreciate betty's sacrifices more" which honestly, i dont feel that was implied? i think that simon was absolutely in pain but he was also actively making that pain worse, which one tends to do when it comes to depression

again, i am saying im biased bc I already came into the finale thinking, yeah simon needs a wake up call badly - and part of that was seeing the world for what it was and not how he thinks it is

because like... why does Simon hate himself at the start of the show? he doesnt feel like he fits in, he has no purpose anymore or hes too incompetent to go adventuring, hes mourning betty who left him, he keeps getting compared to ice king

and then we go to the end and what mistakes were pointed out - it was never that he was so fundamentally other that he could never fit in, he is actually kickass, and it was never that ice king was better than simon - so that leaves betty

and to me, part of his inability to move on from betty (it has been twelve years) is rooted in his capacity to exacerbate his loss - in short, he throws himself pity parties and its fine to grieve, no one stops grieving not really - but it cant be all that one does - and it was really coming to the point where that appeared to be all that simon did

which you know speaks to a rather myopic world view which like reaaaaally isnt healthy

and my initial posts about the finale already points out that they do not adequately address simon's self centered tendencies - so its not like i think the finale is well executed

i dont disagree with the content! i just dont like how they put out the content!

but thats kinda why i dont see the whole thing about casper and nova as a "lets point fingers at simon" time, i think it was a... crude attempt at telling simon to get a better perspective on his own life - not well executed (genuinely cringe), but i can see the intent

at the end of the day, and this is part of the reaaaaallly shitty execution, it was never about the mistakes simon made but the way... simon has to get over those mistakes... he came to that conclusion rather abruptly at the end "this isnt how this happened" which segued into that final note of acceptance

thats my issue. like as we have both mentioned, they needed simon to realize his mistakes waaaaaay earlier and then the final episodes should have been devoted to simon learning how to well, not to put it bluntly, get over it - his past - his curse - his loss

to me, and hey i am biased bc i came into this thinking, hey simon needs a wake up call, i saw simon saying "i could have avoided the crown" as like the first time he ever... says that, which was a sign of like him feeling less like a victim in a way, less like he was at the whims of some unknowable fate. honestly, i thought it was empowering

it kinda also goes back to simon's feeling of vindication when it turns out winter king was a sham - like he was powerless, there was never anything he could do to stop this, he's just a victim

but he's doing himself injustice by narrowing his perspective of himself as a victim - it contributes to his idea that he's too weak to move on

it's not winter king's extreme of "manifesting your own reality", which is the exact extreme he's actually already doing... it's more like learning what betty learned "we could have made better choices but i have no regrets"

that line is what makes me think this was never a blame game - it was stripping the past of its sweetness so it can make the present less bitter

Something something I kind of dislike the framing that Simon's figurative suicide by the crown is selfish towards Betty/Marceline. His actions with the Golb figure to talk to her were selfish, not the "I am in so much pain and suffering I need to get out" bit. It's a... touchy subject, extremely difficult to manage/handle. I'm sure both Betty and Marcy feel anger and disappointment, but... you don't support/help someone heal by turning that on them.

Lol reasons 249574 the finale rubbed me as... off.

[azaisya]

no art for this week bc its been crazy so have 1.7k of alternate ending/sequel to Sleeping Awake (my de-aged shen jiu fic). This was where I was going with the original before I decided I wanted to focus more on the qijiu, so some of the stuff in the beginning is repeated. If I was writing a sequel (which I probably won’t), then this would probably be how it started.

“Take one of my robes?” Yue Qingyuan asked, voice small. 

Shen Qingqiu hesitated, his awareness of how underdressed he was going to war with the instinct to refuse anything from Yue Qingyuan. He’d spent the last however-many-decades violently exploding every time Yue Qingyuan gave him a gift. He’d assumed they’d been given out of pity or obligation, expensive baubles to cover up the dirt of Shen Jiu’s past. 

But—

He really was very underdressed. This robe was one of the outfits he’d worn to sneak out to the Warm Red Pavilion, back when he’d been a lesser disciple and in need of subterfuge to get off his Peak. 

Wordlessly, Shen Qingqiu picked up Yue Qingyuan’s outer robe from where they’d carelessly dumped it the night before and slid it over his arms. It was a little too big and he chafed at wearing another person’s colors, but the look on Yue Qingyuan’s face was worth it. 

With a sarcastic wave, Shen Qingqiu turned on his heel and strode from his room.

The robe was a little less worth it when Yue Qingyuan’s head disciple dropped a teapot in shock when she saw him. 

He ignored her. She was the overly candid girl who’d intercepted him and Luo Binghe yesterday, but that didn’t surprise him. Yue Qingyuan was too soft with his disciples, and she was clever. Of course she would be outspoken. 

At the thought of Luo Binghe, Shen Qingqiu grimaced. He’d specifically ordered that the beast wasn’t to be fed all weekend. Ning Yingying had probably ignored that and brought him food anyways, charmed as she was by Luo Binghe’s pretty, pitiable face. 

He should lock him in the woodshed for another week, just for that. 

The thought made him falter, and he spared a moment to be intensely grateful that nobody was around to see him trip on nothing. 

He’d always told himself that he was nothing like Qiu Jianluo. That he’d only ever beaten boys who deserved it, that they should be grateful that he hadn’t done worse. 

He’d never touched any of them, after all, no matter what the rumors said about him. 

But his younger self hadn’t even needed to think before equating Luo Binghe’s shizun with Qiu Jianluo. 

That was another revelation, Shen Qingqiu supposed, to add on to all the others he was having. He didn’t like that one very much. It wasn’t earth-shatteringly surprising in the way that Yue Qingyuan’s apparently unconditional devotion was. 

Perhaps that said something about him. 

He didn’t like that very much either. 

He was still turning the matter over in his mind when he arrived at Qing Jing Peak’s familiar landscape. It was late enough in the day that his disciples should already be at their lessons, and they would survive a few more hours without him. 

The bamboo house was almost exactly as he’d left it, but somebody had made his bed and moved the black and silver fan—Yue Qingyuan’s latest gift—onto a table. It was a deceptively plain thing, despite the value of its skeleton. Shen Qingqiu suspected that the painting—bamboo and distant birds—had been done by Yue Qingyuan himself. It had the hesitant, detailed brushwork of somebody unused to painting but had tried their best anyways. 

It was the most sentimental gift that Yue Qingyuan had ever given him. His other gifts were impersonal things worth exorbitant amounts of money that suit Shen Qingqiu’s carefully cultivated image. 

Shen Qingqiu would’ve thrown them away, if there wasn’t some part of him that balked at wasting that much money. Mostly, they just languished in the backs of drawers or vanished into boxes. He’d thrown some of the more egregious pieces into Yue Qingyuan’s face. 

The fan was different, though. He could see the time that Yue Qingyuan had spent on it, could see the care and emotion poured into every brush stroke. 

It’d broken him. 

With a sigh, Shen Qingqiu shrugged off the borrowed robe and, after a beat, laid it out on his bed. His own clothes were more complex. His younger self would have despaired at all the finicky ties and complicated layers, but Shen Qingqiu managed with ease. 

With each layer he pulled on, the more that strange, nervous energy in his chest settled. It was as if something inside of him had been knocked off-kilter by his qi deviation and then shoved even further askew by the discovery that Yue Qingyuan had returned for him and the sudden realization that he’d come far too close to the line that Qiu Jianluo had drawn. 

The clothes made him feel more like himself. A doubtful boon, given the scum that he was. 

He turned to leave again but then hesitated, eyes lingering on his bed. Yue Qingyuan’s robes were a streak of shadow across the green sheets. 

He’d been so afraid, when he’d woken up the morning before. 

He wondered if Qiu Haitang was still alive. He hoped she was. He hoped she was happy. 

Was that fucked up?

Maybe.

Setting his jaw, Shen Qingqiu snatched the closest fan—Yue Qingyuan’s fan, the one that had started this all—and swept from the room. He made his way towards the woodshed with a calm, steady stride, the black and silver fan held loosely in his hand. 

He could see the distant shapes of his disciples running around the mountain, tiny blobs of white and green. A sudden anxiety struck him, so sharply that the fan creaked as his grip tightened around it. 

What if Luo Binghe had told them?

Shen Qingqiu couldn’t imagine how his disciples—the children of wealthy lords and poor farmers alike—would look at him if they learned that he was nothing more than a worthless slave. 

A couple of his disciples—the quicker ones, talking cheerfully while their peers tried to finish their laps around the peak—noticed him and ran over. Shen Qingqiu panicked and opened his fan with a flick of his wrist, raising it over his face. 

“Shizun!” the short-haired girl—Lin Xieran—called, as uncomplicatedly delighted to see him as ever. Neither of them looked alarmed or disgusted. If anything, they seemed a little more cheerful than usual to see him, although they were well trained enough to bow instead of run up him and cling. 

Shen Qingqiu rewarded them both with gentle pats on the head. If his hand trembled, none of them mentioned it. 

Luo Binghe, he thought, that off-kilter uncertainty creeping back into his chest, What game are you playing?

Well. He would find out soon enough. Voice as smooth as ever, Shen Qingqiu asked, “Where is your Ming-shixiong?”

The shorter one—a round-faced boy named Sun Tiandou who looked younger than he was—wrinkled his nose. “Ming-shixiong is still running with everybody else.”

Shen Qingqiu nodded imperiously. That was good. Ming Fan had been raised by respectable parents on a comfortable estate, and so he was prone to panicking over even the most minor of injuries. If he’d gone out to run willingly without his shizun’s prompting, then he couldn’t be terribly injured. “Good. And—” The beast died in his tongue. 

Had Qiu Jianluo called him a beast? He couldn’t remember. 

“—and Luo Binghe?”

Sun Tiandou’s expression tilted uncomfortably, but Lin Xieran’s lip curled at the name. “Oh,” she said, waving a hand flippantly, “He’s still in the woodshed.”

Shen Qingqiu idly poked at his newfound disgust with himself and discovered that it didn’t extend far enough to compel him to scold Xieran for her coldness. “Very good,” he said instead, “You’ve both done well today.” 

Their expressions turned instantly starstruck, and Shen Qingqiu continued down the path towards the woodshed. 

To his displeasure, there was a figure sitting against the woodshed’s door. He would’ve thought it was Luo Binghe if it weren’t for the bright orange of Ning Yingying’s favorite hair ribbons. She spotted him and leaped to her feet, waving her arm with the enthusiasm of a child who’d never been punished before. 

Shen Qingqiu flicked his fan open and waved it gently at his face. “What are you do—” All his breath left him in a rush as Ning Yingying threw herself at him, hands flying around his waist. 

Shen Qingqiu sighed and waited for her to let go. She did quickly enough, dancing back a couple steps and grinning up at him. “Shizun!” 

He examined her over the edge of his fan, tracing the shape of her bright brown eyes and her round face. He wondered if she really did look like Qiu Haitang, or if his mind had just seen a bright girl with gentle smiles and made the connection for him. “What is Yingying doing here?”

Ning Yingying’s expressions turned as sly as it ever went. Mostly she just ducked her head and scuffed her feet. “Yingying is, um—” She looked around, spotted the dirty dishes lying where she’d been sitting earlier, and hastily said, “Cleaning! Yingying is cleaning.”

Shen Qingqiu raised one eyebrow and didn’t bother replying. 

Ning Yingying fidgeted with the edge of her sleeve. “And, um, waiting for Shizun!” She looked up, lips curling into a hopeful smile. “This one is glad that Shizun is feeling better!”

Fear beat another staccato rhythm against Shen Qingqiu’s spine, a desperate rattling of what did Luo Binghe say. He revealed none of it on his face. “Did Yingying bring food to Luo Binghe during his punishment?”

Ning Yingying visibly drooped. “He’s so small, Shizun—”

Shen Qingqiu opened his mouth and then shut it, feeling suddenly tired. The rebuke on the tip of his tongue faded, and he just sighed. “Take the plates back to the kitchens.” 

Ning Yingying peeked up at him, hope lighting her eyes. “Yes, Shizun!” She ran to grab the plates and then scuttled back, eyes wide. “Shizun isn’t going to punish A-Luo, right? He didn’t ask me to bring the food.”

Any other day, and Shen Qingqiu’s temper would have flared at the familiar address. Instead, he just said sharply, “I’ve warned you to keep your distance from him, Yingying. Do as I say.” 

Ning Yingying nodded. “Yes, Shizun.” 

Liar. He didn’t call her on it, though. “Go.” 

She sketched a bow, shallower than she should’ve, and dashed off. But that was alright, because she was his favorite and she knew it.

[xcixmoon]

introduction

ulti. masterlist

zero masterlist

this is part of my series for zero. this story is 18+, i advise that if youre underage that you dni.

trigger warning: reader's (you) will be given a backstory in this series. i usually dont like to do this in a character x reader series but it will give better structure for me to write and tell you the story as you read along. there will be talks of neglect.

life wasnt easy for you.

you had a childhood that made you always in either fight or flight mode.

your mother was at a constant battle with herself that she took it out on you. she blamed you that she had to grow up quicker than what she wanted and was forced to deal with you.

your father was great from what you remember but ultimately he left you and your mom. you didnt understand of course when you caught him packing his belongings and seeing your mother sit on the bedroom cry with a bottle or two in hand.

you remember asking where he was going and he just told you that he'll back so you waited and waited while dealing with your mother.

he never came back.

as you got older you told yourself that once you hit 18 you would leave her to allow her to sit in her self-pity but she beat you to the punch.

you got home one day after school with the house empty - no note, food or anything. you just figured she went out drinking once more but then that day turned into days where you were just sitting alone.

she left you just as your father left you.

you luckily had one close friend in high school where her parents took you in.

they were never mean to you but they pitied you.

a young teenage girl left by both parents? how could they not feel bad for you.

you kept your distance from people far more than ever but were still ever grateful for them that they gave you a space to sleep.

as high school ended you already had in your mind that you were signing up for the military. it was an easy choice for you.

you had no childhood to bother to think of what you wanted to become in life and this was the best choice at the moment for someone who didnt want to worry about the future.

days in the military flew by for you.

you spent endless minutes, hours and days focusing your time to learn every weapon possible and the one that pulled your attention the most was a sniper rifle.

a M200 intervention to be exact.

as you took time to learn the weapon more, you became a bit well known around base. people always loved to whisper and gossip. you never understood it but that was their entertainment for the most part on base.

you were a lone wolf, a nobody as most people would say, but you were someone who taught herself how to be highly skilled with your rifle.

you became zero.

you were friendly with very few and most people hated that.

they thought you were a snob but you were far from it. you just wanted to get through life and this was the life that you were living until the end.

as you hit 25 in the military, you noticed that every memory sort of started to become one. you didnt have a different life to balance you out when you would think of the past and it was pretty common that people who experienced emotional and mental abuse that they try to suppress their memories.

you would unintentionally mix memories or easily forget about a day in total.

you felt a bit ashamed that you didnt have a life outside the military but these were the cards you were dealt.

your life changed for ever ever since captain price walked into your life.

to be continued...

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

[kibybun]

Hi. Can I ask you to write about Aizawa or Hawks and their darling, who constantly joked about death and eventually she committed suicide, please? I love your writing💞 You are so awesome and talented and cool. Thank you so much for your work💕

Oh my gosh, thank you so much! I hope you like it!💞💞

Platonic Yandere Hawks x suicide joking reader

Tw: Yandere, suicide, self harm, angst

Enjoy!

💛Hawks first met you at the sports festival, showing off your quirk and demonstrating power. You caught his attention rather quickly.

💛Not only were you adorable but intriguing as well. You wore long sleeves, even though you looked uncomfortable in them, and you seemed oddly quiet compared to everyone else, shying away when they come up to talk to you.

💛Another thing that stood out to him was when you were doing the calvary battle. No one came to ask you to join their team, but you didn't go out and ask to join either. You just stood there until a purple hair guy came up to you, most likely getting you to join his group.

💛Though, you seemed to change. Your fighting style and the way you use your quirk changed.

💛It bothered Hawks the whole calvary battle but he was put at ease when some kid with a tail backed out due to the other guy brainwashing him.

💛You end up backing out too, much to Hawk's dismay.

💛Even though you weren't fighting anymore he still keeps his attention on you, not seeing your other classmates or students.

💛He watched you zone out and silently cheer for your classmates, finding it adorable as you watch in awe at some of the battles.

💛The sports festival ends and he follows you home, only to make surd your okay. Once he got home he quickly put in a request for you to come intern with him before going to bed.

💛When you went back to school you were excited to see if anyone wanted you to intern with them, knowing you wouldn't get as many requests like Todoroki or Deku.

💛... two. Only two requests.

💛It hurt to look at the board and see that you one of the most unwanted students in class 1-A. You thought you did really well and maybe impressed more than two people.

💛You get your list of hero agencies and sink deeper into your self pitty when you realize that one of the agencies werebt even specifically asking for you. All the students got requested by them.

💛That leaves Hawk's agency.

💛You didn't know much about him and his work so this was going to be awkward.

💛When the day came to board the subway and head off to your internship, no one wished you goodbye. All the groups and clicks were together, walking each other to their respective trains while you again, stood alone. You ere used to it though.

💛You board the train and zone out, nearly missing your stop.

💛Right as you get off the train your vision is filled with red feathers. Low and behold the pro hero who requested you.

💛His charisma hits you as you instantly feel welcome. He makes witty remarks about the train being too slow as he begins walking with you in tow.

💛Along the way you ask him why he wanted you to intern with him. He smirks and responds with a "Why wouldn't I?" That didn't answer your question.

💛He walks you to his agency and introduces you to all his other interns. After that he shoves you towards the bathroom, telling you to change into your hero costume.

💛He sure didn't waste time as the two of you begin patrolling the city. It seemed very rushed and eager but you prefered it over having to sit in class and do quizzes.

💛During patrol Hawks starts questioning you about school and life almkst like an uncle or brother would. It was very odd to you, considering you never get asked questions about yourself.

💛You felt so pitiful not being able to tell him your birthday, you had forgotten it, but somehow he was so understanding and kind about it.

💛It wasn't long before all of his fans flocked to the two of you, shouting questions and begging for autographs. You didn't like how all the people were surrounding you and Hawks could tell.

💛He uses his wing to shield you and hastily shoos the crowd off. After that he asks if you're okay and checks to make sure you didn't get hurt.

💛His intentions weren't to sleep with you, no. They were pure. He almost saw himself in you, alone and blocked off from the world. He just wanted to protect you and make sure you knew you weren't alone.

💛It was working too.

💛In the short week you were with him you had laughed the hardest you had in awhile and smiled more. You even considered him your bestfriend.

💛The one downside of your friendship was he couldn't see your cries for help.

💛While one roofs or flying with him you'd make jokes about how easy it would be to fall and die or how fun it'd feel to free fall.

💛He'd only laugh these off, thinking it was some kind of dark humor, because if something was wrong he'd trust you to tell him.

💛When the internship was over you had to hold back tears as he hugged you goodbye. Of course he gave you his number to keep in touch but it wouldn't be the same as sneaking away from work and eating fried chicken.

💛The second the train left you felt how alone you were. You didnt want to text him right away because that would feel too needy. Should you even text him? Was he doing it just to be nice or did he actually care?

💛You leave those thoughts behind as your phone buzzes. It was a text from Hawks. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

💛Your mood brightens as the two of you continue sending dumb chicken jokes, memes, and puns, with the occasional "dark humored" joke from you.

💛You make it home and your texting slowed, mainly due to Hawks having to work. You didn't know he was actually flying outside your house, making sure you were okay before flying off to buy you a dumb looking teddy bear.

💛Slowly, your mood begins to brighten with the constant reassurance of Hawks being there. He knew the right things to say at all times. Self conscious about your outfit? Incomes a barrage of compliments and confidence boosters. Nervous about a test or presentation? Boom, paragraphs about how amazing you are and how you can do it.

💛It almost made the emptiness inside go away.

💛Problems don't just go away, and it really shows.

💛Whenever you couldn't text or call Hawks your loniness sinks in. You had no other friends besides him. Your parents weren't the beat either with their comments about what you're doing or what you're wearing.

💛It only reminded you of all the reasons for the scars on your arms.

💛But before you could act on those reasons he was there. It was always magicly when you were crying in bed or fumbling with a sharp object.

💛Over time Hawks picked up on your thoughts and feelings, causing him to watch over you every second he could. He loved you so much, he couldn't lose you.

💛The amount of cute gifts he gets you griw over time. More stuffed animals, more snacks, more little trinkets. Anything to make you happy.

💛And again, it worked. The nights you spent crying or staring numbly at the ceiling slowly decreased. You also threw away the razors you had hidden, determined to stay clean.

💛When the work studies came you were the happiest you've ever been. You got to be with Hawks again.

💛Upon seeing him you were greeted with the best hug you've ever gotten along with fried chicken for lunch.

💛But something was off this time. He seemed a little more paranoid walking around the city with you, more eager to be inside at night, and disappearing at night.

💛It worried you, making you overthink the hole situation tenfold.

💛What if he was trying to avoid you? Where you being that annoying? Maybe he was tired of you. You should just leave him alone.

💛He hugs you goodbye as you leave, still conflicted.

💛Sadly your thoughts only grow stronger as time goes on. His texts become shorter and less frequent, making you think he was tired of you. His constant gifts had stopped as well

💛Hawks couldn't control his lack of contact with you. He wanted to spam you with memes at two am like he normally did but he was given a mission that couldn't be compromised, even at the expense of your friendship.

💛You fall back into your dark place without him. You were reminded of how forgettable you were to everyone, how you had no friends beside him, how your parents were disappointed in you.

💛What's the point in living in pain?

💛You start cutting again, just wanting to feel something again. You stop sleeping and eating, not feeling the need for it anymore. You completely passed out during training due to this.

💛One weekend you ride a train away from your town and into the one where Hawk's agency was. You were looking for him, a sign, anything, to tell you to stop.

💛The streets were empty and he was no where in sight.

💛You fight yourself at the top of a business building, hands trembling as you sent a final text to your only friend. You told him how much he ment to you, how grateful you were to him, how sorry you were for being annoying and taking up so much of his time, how this was goodbye.

💛You got to feel the wind rush past you. You were right about it being fun to free fall.

💛Hawks was talking to Dabi when his phone buzzed. Thinking it was the commission he checked it.

💛Dabi watched as Hawk's smug demeanor turned to confused then broken. He watched the pro hero fall to his knees and clutch his phone, nearly cracking it.

💛Dabi didn't even have a chance to ask what was wrong as Hawks flew at super sonic speed away from him and up into the sky.

💛He first scanned the buildings looking for you, wiping the tears from his eyes to try and see better. When he couldn't find you he swoops down low to the streets to see if he could catch you before you hit the ground.

💛He stops when he sees the splatters of your body of the ground.

💛He collapses next to you, sobbing as he looked at your remains.

💛It was his fault. He should've been there so much more. He should've watched you more carefully than he did. He should've killed those fuckers who thought they were better than you.

💛You should've lived.

💛Hawks lays there crying, going over all the things he did wrong and how it should've been him to die.

💛The morning comes and police officers tape off the area, pulling a now broken man away from you. They clean the area and leave.

💛Hawks mindlessly sits in the spot you were in, hoping this was a nightmare.

💛Night falls and Dabi managed to find him. He tells Hawks that he saw the news. It was odd for him to feel sympathy for a hero but here he was.

💛Hawks stands and grabs Dabi's hand, placing it on his face before begging him to set him ablaze. He didn't want to live in a world without you.

💛Dabi backs up, retreating his hand and looking at him stunned. What exactly did you mean to him?

💛Hawks continues to beg and pleas but Dabi continues to refuse. Too bad Hawks would do anything to die at this point.

💛Hawks shouts out his plans to spy on the league, to manipulate and destroy them from the inside. How he would kill them all in secret if he could. How it would be the best feeling ever to watch them die in betrayal.

💛Dabi falls for his trap. Rage was the only thing he could feel as his fire engulfed Hawks, semding him to the grave in a firey blaze.

💛He ran from the scene, leaving another body in the same spot.

kiby~💚

[s11e17]

If you're down, I'd love to read something about Sam and Rowena from you! Maybe to do with Sam learning witchcraft, or Rowena after taking over Hell? Alternate prompt, Dean prays to Cas basically every day without thinking about it because he got into the habit in Purgatory.

i went WAY overboard with this djfghsdjsh sorry i just wrote it in one sitting no editing i hope u like!! i'm incapable of writing exactly what people want so i hops this is ok.... i went with the sam & rowena prompt (might follow up w the destiel prompt later!). note that there's more after the cut (it's about 1000 words so i didnt wanna just put the whole thing on people's dashes)

also WARNINGS for references to lucifer / cage-related trauma for sam / aftermath of possession

--

Sam taps his phone against the table a few times, considering. He shouldn’t. It’s gratuitous, the whole idea reeks of self-pity, but, well. If anyone could understand, it’s her.

“Samuel,” she purrs when she picks up, after making him wait through half a minute of ringing. “What do the Winchester boys want with me now?”

“No, it’s—” Sam huffs. He looks at the notes in front of him. “I’m, uh. I’m thinking about— thinking about— I could use some feedback, on a— on a spell.”

“A spell?” He hears her laugh, imagines her smile as she lounges back against her throne. “Now, Sam, that’s the sort of thing witches do. Not that I’m judging, mind— I just remember your brother seems to have a bit of a— oh, well, you know.”

“S’just somethin’ small,” Sam says. He clears his throat, and adds, “I’ve been working with the— I found something in your notebook. The section on, uh, locks.”

“Locks.”

“For— to lock up, a, a— a body.”

There’s a silence. Rowena asks, softly, “Do you have a body that needs to be locked up, Sam?”

“Yeah—” Sam swallows as his voice cracks. He tries again: “Yes. I could— I could use your help.”

“Well.” He hears her sigh, and then say, “Come on down, then.”

---

Hell is an absurd place. Every time he goes down it’s different— this time, Rowena has it set up like an elaborate military tent, two demons in what is clearly military fetish gear standing guard outside. He pushes past them and gets to Rowena, on a divan, with a wide empty table in front of her.

“Rowena,” Sam says, awkwardly. He’s not really sure if she tolerates him ‘cause he’s eye-candy or what, but he thinks he should’ve maybe dressed nicer than his usual.

She doesn’t seem to care, though. “Sit,” she says, and when he looks to his left, there’s a chair, just his height. When he sits at the table his knees don’t knock up against the underside of it.

“Show me your work,” she says, and Sam spreads his sheets out on the table. She studies them quietly, nodding, as Sam waits for her judgment.

When she gets to the mark, she pauses. “Where do you want it?” she asks. She looks up at him and says, “You’ll need— this is strong work, Sam. You’ll need to cut it off when you die if you want your soul to leave.”

“Problem for later,” Sam says. He stands up, hitches up his shirt so his belly’s exposed, which goes against every instinct he has. Hell isn’t a safe place for this— for his body. Everything here is both literal and metaphor, all at once — as much as a piece of flannel doesn’t matter to black smoke, he knows his vulnerability is real. It’s why Lucifer-in-Cas chose his stomach as the place to take his soul out of him. Here is where your mother’s umbilical cord nourished you; here’s where I’ll push in and take.

Rowena stands up, too, and sets her hand against Sam’s left side, hand hot against his skin. He’s been— he realizes, suddenly, that it’s been a long time since he’s been touched there.

“There’s a risk, you understand,” Rowena says gravely. “A risk to these sorts of things. A lock can be unlocked, if you have the right key, but breaking it— if someone forces it—” Her mouth trembles, and she says, “It would hurt more, Sam, than just letting them come in.”

It’s the first time either of them has mentioned the reason for this. They both know it, of course: Lucifer lives in Rowena’s throat just the same way he lives in Sam’s. They’ve both seen his face.

“I’m hoping it’ll kill me,” Sam admits. Rowena doesn’t flinch — Dean would’ve. “If he— if anyone— I want—” He puts his hand over hers, over his belly, and closes his eyes, and says, “I just want— I can’t have anything else in me again.”

“I understand.” Rowena steps back, releases him, and picks up the sheet. Sam watches her exhale as she rights herself, stands up tall. “It’s good, Sam,” she says, and Sam curls his mouth up, feels a hint of pride. “It’s good work.”

“Thanks.”

She curls her hand into a fist. “No one will ever possess you again, Sam Winchester,” she declares fiercely, and Sam’s breath shudders out of him, something unreal inside of him. Like he’s— as if he’d been in pain for ten years and is finally free, or as if he’s in a hot tub, or even— his dick twitches but he can’t tell if it’s sexual or just pure sensation. Her fingers twist and he feels the sharp sensation of lines carving into his skin, almost satisfying, like a scab being peeled.

She begins chanting, and Sam sets his hand against the chair, the one that was just the right size for him, to hold himself up. At the end of it — when the mark is on him, the lock, this thing that will keep him himself to the end of his natural life — she asks him: “Whose body is this, Samuel?”

“Mine,” he grits out, his palms sparks of feeling against the chair. He clears his throat, and looks at his belly, and looks up at Rowena. “This body belongs to me.”

She grins at him, and relaxes her hand, and the carving fades into his skin. “Yes,” she says. “That’s my boy.”

[shhh-no-ones-home]

not an obituary javier pena x reader

+++++++++

i am in my feels, hello yes, it is sad boi hours. holy shit this is depressing as hell.

tw: strong mentions and themes of self harm, abuse, death, and past traumas. read at your own risk.

to anyone dealing with this it is okay to reach out, to get help, and to even feel this way. what matters most is your health and safety and just know that it absolutely does get better, i promise. i went through it and i know first hand, you will get through this, and you will live a beautiful life.

song: dead butterflies by architects 

tag list: @cynic-spirit

+++++++++

my hands shook as i listened to the ringing of the receiver. i had been crying for hours and my face was still stained by tears. i was only just beginning to calm down, staring at the broken mirror in front of me. god i looked so tired. how did i let this happen again? i said id never let this happen again. well. i guess i hadnt broken my promise yet. i hadnt actually done anything, but the thoughts alone made me feel like i was betraying myself. i squeezed my eyes closed tightly. maybe i should just hang up and let it run its course. then i heard the ringing stop.

"pena."

he said urgently and i felt a sob leave my body.

"hello?"

he asked, a little concerned and the tears started again.

"javi i need help."

i said, crying into the phone as i slid down the wall of my bathroom.

"im leaving now, dont do anything till i get there."

he sounded so worried. but in all fairness he had every right to be. i had told him about my past, at his request, but i still did it. it was hard to hide them given our usual past time so i figured i might as well. he knew where the scars on my body came from. each one had a story that i longed to forget, the new bruises on my wrist just bellow one of them. it was from the rubber band i refused to take off, being apparent of a better habit i had once picked up. it was just enough pain. but what does one do when that isnt enough?

"hurry."

i whispered before the phone went dead. my whole body shook as i kept coming back to the memories of how it felt the first time. god i craved it. i wanted that life back but id come so far. i shook my head as i pressed my forehead into my knees. i just want it to go away. i want the suffering to go away, the memories, the way it felt then and the way it feels now. i could easily let it go now, i knew a million and one ways. but javi was already on his way. i couldnt do that to him. i couldnt let him find me like that. especially not after he'd pushed me to celebrate a decade of being clean. ten whole years of not hurting myself. i almost couldnt believe it. it felt like such a long time when i heard it out loud like that.

"y/n!"

i heard, snapping my attention to the bathroom door as it swung open. javi was staring down at me with a worried look on his face but he sighed in relief when he saw me still fully intact.

"jesus, you scared the shit out of me."

he said, standing beside me and sliding down the wall to sit beside me. i just stared at him, eyes blurry as he looked back to me.

"i cant do it anymore."

i croaked out, feeling another hot tear slip down my cheek. he looked at me with the utmost pity before kissing my forehead and pulling me into his side.

"talk to me, please, what happened?"

he said softly, petting my hair as i pushed my face into his chest. i just shook my head.

"i dont want to feel this way again."

i mumbled against him, moving my hand into his. i looked down at them together as he ran his thumb over the back of my hand.

"when was the last time you left the house?"

he asked and i bit my lip, watching as he turned my hand over. i felt so guilty in that moment. he knew the answer, i hadnt been to work in over a week.

"would you mourn me?"

i asked and he pulled me up, holding my head in his hands and looking between my eyes. i wanted to cry again, seeing now just how broken he was too.

"you know i would."

he said softly and i nodded, closing my eyes but only for a moment. i looked back at him as he pressed his thumbs through the tear tracks on my face, pushing them away.

"but you and i both know i dont do funerals."

he said and i let out a shaky laugh, watching as he tried to flash me a smile, albeit unconvincing.

"i dont think i could trust anyone else to write my eulogy though."

i said and he moved his hands slowly away from me, taking my hand back in his.

"well if i have any say in it, you wont need one for a long while."

i glanced over his face a few times before he stood up, pulling me to my feet too. he brought me out into the living room and it was the first time id really had a good look at the damage id caused. my furniture was all flipped about, glass shattered from the flower vase on my coffee table and the water from it poured out onto the rug. if anything it reflected exactly how i felt about the situation. i sighed at the sight of it.

"ya know,"

i started, taking his attention as we made it passed the wreckage and to the door. he paused as he reached for it.

"once upon a time i wanted so badly for my address to be six feet under."

he looked over my face again as i spoke.

"but even all the depression in the world couldnt make me leave you."

i said and he just stared at me for a second. when i looked down and moved to open the door he pulled me into a tight hug, holding me like id slip away if he let go or loosened his grip. i hugged him back like my life depended on it, and in that moment it felt like it did.

"ill do everything i can to keep you safe."

he whispered before kissing the side of my head. i breathed deeply, feeling some of my stresses melt away as i inhaled him.

"as long as thats true i promise to stay out of the paper."

i said as he pulled away, nodding once at me and opening the door.

"if i ever got that call i dont know what id do with myself."

he confessed as we made our way to the stairs of the apartments that led outside. i side nodded.

"i guess we'll never find out."

i said, offering my pinky as we stepped into the warm open air of the Columbian summer. he just looked at me for a second before interlocking his pinky with mine.

"thats a deal. now lets go get you something to eat, im sure you could use it."

he mentioned and i laughed a little, looping my arm around his as we made our way down the street. i watched the ground for a moment as we walked, thinking how lucky i was to have him in my life. how lucky i was to be able to live for someone that wasnt myself, because the one thing they never tell you is that if you arent tethered to someone it makes it that much easier to let go. now i had someone who would look after me, keep me dependable, and keep me alive. even if he didnt know it. i half smiled at the thought, slipping my hand in his and swinging our arms back and forth. he just looked at me and i kissed his shoulder lightly.

"thank you javier, i dont know what i would do without you."

[bellamygateoldblog]

i will never be over the way this show has continuously tried to frame bellamy and clarke as heroes and good people, or the way the fandom has almost completely embraced and supported that narrative

the amount of times i’ve read “[clarke] saved everyone’s ungrateful asses” makes me seriously consider turning evil. like aren’t y’all bored? don’t you have a different sentence you would like to say for a change?

i want to talk about this but i probably don’t remember a lot of the details of this show so if im forgetting something or get something wrong i apologise, but i never have any desire to rewatch past s2.

clarke isn't even the hero of her own side, she took power of them using the military force of the grounders, someone else’s people, she’s forced them into alliances without their knowledge that weren’t in their best interest (while she literally had no idea what they were even going through because she’d abandoned them after upsetting their entire political structure, and this leader she’s bowing to is responsible for the slaughter of their children, has broken an alliance previously with them, has hung the threat of genocide over their heads, and who isn’t even wanted in power by her own people- dragging skaikru into that conflict, too), she’s sacrificed them and what’s best for them in order to cater to/concentrate on the grounders newest demands or pursue her own personal mission, she’s lied to and patronised them, she’s abandoned them and surrendered them to die while they were under her protection and responsibility, and in Book 2 (and these aren’t her people but in canon she’s their leader anyway apparently despite trying to blow them all up a few days before...) she’s abandoned them again, and is speaking for them without consent or any connection to what’s happening with them again,.........her inner circle/her ‘friends’ have to be extremely careful to remain important to her or on her team or they’ll be sacrificed, harmed or become acceptable losses to whatever her newest goal is too (but hey at least she says she cares about them) all while acting very ‘woe is me’ about the whole crushing weight of responsibility she shouldn’t have.

but she’s the hero, she’s beloved, she’s special, she has relationships that were never built, she and only she saved everyone again and has all the lines telling us so no matter how dishonest those statements are.

like this is where i personally see what you said in your ask most: when it concerns clarke.

bellamy on the other hand...i don’t place him at all on the same level as clarke when it comes to this. clarke has privilege that bellamy just never had as a character. and i think that does probably play into why i like him.

him being a hero to the delinquents/the 48 is completely believable to me. he was the original leader, he got them through a tough time, he chose to put himself on the line for them, and he’s the one who stayed. i also think it’s reasonable that fandom might romanticise him this way because he is one who has been shown to value the one life as well as the many of his people, a guy doing his best and making big mistakes along the way, a mixed complex bag of good and bad, i find him very likable and i love the toxic/pained/vulnerable ones lol but more than anything i find him to be one of the more interesting/entertaining characters on the show (Book 1).

we also see him torment himself with his own mistakes instead of just having other people do it for him/remind him like we see happen with clarke- and we all know fandom loves equating that with a “redemption arc” and as much as i personally dislike seeing pity parties i do like self-awareness and responsibility in characters that goes beyond a 3-second-long puppy dog look or straight dismissal of someone else’s pain, and for the most part bellamy’s expressions of this don’t come across as demanding sympathy from others but from genuine self-loathing and an honesty to himself, internalising the effects of his actions/childhood.

i know i personally prefer The Flawed Protector over The Tortured Saviour nobody asked for (same white male hypocritical moral hero in a woman’s body).

i don’t believe in assigning “hero” to any of them though like that’s the whole entire point of the show lol “there are no good guys.” and i also think a major chunk of fandom/shippers have warped bellamy’s character so much that it isn’t even him anymore, so this man they’re celebrating as a hero/good person isn’t even bellamy sometimes.

all of the genuinely “good” and kind people are dead.

i don't think i'd say bellamy was ever framed as a hero. like he was just never important enough to be, he’s just not put into those positions (despite being the male lead), clarke is. as the protagonist ig. bellamy...he’s the protector/knight of the heroes, but not the actual hero himself (applies to octavia too i think, where she acts and he reacts).

like take mount weather, clarke becomes empowered by her “wanheda” status, bellamy’s (and monty’s) part in that is lost...clarke is “bearing it so they don’t have to” (rme) which simultaneously strips the other boys from claiming the ‘victory’ of saving the 48 while still leaving them with the guilt, like it suits how i see clarke perfectly that she’s the only one to refer to the genocide (and shutting down the CoL, i realised) as “i” while monty and bellamy say “we” and it was clarke’s actions that got them to that point in the first place, but this is one of those times she’s clearly The Protagonist. if that makes sense lol.

bellamy is on the opposite side to clarke in s3 and s7 and he needs to be moved to her side in order to be on the ‘right’ one. now i don’t agree with that one bit mind you (when it comes to s3, idc about s7 lol) and i didnt see it that way but imo that’s how the show wrote it, to the point he was either demonized endlessly by fandom or woobified in a way that denied him his own agency. during s5 i don’t i think anyone was framed in a good light. i can see this applying in s6, though- where he was his absolute worst self yet, betraying his own development, failing at every point to “do better” despite claiming it, but still was given that reasurring line that they did better and saved people and was in that “heroic” position i guess? but is that because he was back to being clarke’s “good little knight” tho? (but do we claim s6??? do we really??? do we claim it ladies???)

s6 was 100% dedicated to making clarke look good/like a 'good' or sympathetic person. the bodysnatching plot (and the s6 sheidheda plot because if it was supposed to be about bellamy and address his s5 actions he would’ve been present to experience/observe those consiquences himself but he wasn’t lmaoooo. instead it was to tell the audience ‘actually clarke was right last season and here’s another reason to feel bad for her and how those ungrateful bitches were treating her’) has no other purpose for existing. clarke's character has consistently been elevated at the expense of everyone else's. but im not sure the writing did a very good job convincing me she was a good person if it was trying to do that LMAO like my interpretation of her is so fitted to canon, and no amount of throwaway lines telling me how good she is did anything to change what i saw yk? and in s6, combined with being patronised by the writers, i found her to be at some of her most obnoxious.

i don’t agree with placing bellamy and clarke in the same boat tbh. like they just come from completely different places and come across differently, especially in the way they interact with other characters.

in my experience this fandom (on tumblr) is extremely skewed in favour of clarke, like ive never seen a fandom so obsessed with their protagonist. there’s A LOT of clarke stans who stan her for being one of those “deserves better :(” characters, selfless and heroic, and support that view that she’s the superior character, entitled to other character’s devotion, love and validation yet doesn’t have to reciprocate any of it. the CL/BC ship war was just a bunch of people fighting over clarke, who deserves her more, which character is more toxic to her, which other character would 100% be her bff supportive of that relationship, treating her as a passive whose actions don’t take affect. im not sure how much i blame the writing for that because if so many of us are capable of recieving her character in this way then...why aren’t so many other people? how is there such a massive disconnect between the ways we see her?

and imo a lot of the bellamy love in this fandom comes from shipping him with clarke too rather than being because of who he actually is.

[rysingsun]

the two moods:

1) i’m embarrassed it isn’t very good i’m sorry i suck at singing but i thought the lyrics were alright *ramble ramble*

https://soundcloud.com/user-252053906/yeah-so-i-wrote-a-thing/s-z0R1iE2NYoG?in=user-252053906/sets/fuck-it/s-igkiZieoWTw

2) fuck it; can’t sing— one-take beat poetry *slips on shades*

https://soundcloud.com/user-252053906/wrote-a-second-thing-didnt-sing/s-QNDDbnlfnw8?in=user-252053906/sets/fuck-it/s-igkiZieoWTw

----

hemmed and hawed about posting either of these but my decision was ‘fuck it’ *yeets post at the internet*

So, singing is an obvious no-go, but does anybody wanna hear more recited poetry written by me? If so, I’ll do more than one take from now on so there aren’t so many slip-ups and the flow is better. If not, that’s fine too, it’s self-indulgent and I’ve got plenty of other things to share with the world that I know are decent quality *casually tilts head toward my art blog, rvb fandom blog, and animal crossing swag blog*

(also on the chance that anyone is worried about the slightly negative nature of the lyrics at times, don’t worry fam. I’m all good. Was a-ok when writing both, simply tapped into feelings I have felt before in the past but I’m doing much better now than, say, a couple years ago)

Lyrics:

1) “yeah so i wrote a thing”

angsty angsty ballads make me

feel so feel so valid but my

mood also takes a plummet though i

want to reach the summit of self-confidence

and just stay there forever

the bad balances out the good

i say as i stop my tears like i should

i just wanna die- nope! nonononono

i already met my pity party quota for my lifetime

so i’ll cling on to a fandom like it’s a fucking lifeline

then i bounce back on to happy and i laugh and cringe at yester-me

what an angsty fuck i’m so so glad they’re gone

i hope this angsty ballad

makes you feel so feel so valid

‘cause parasocial shit be damned

i wanna tell you you are fam

in the sense that I think you deserve the best

————

2) "wrote a second thing-- didn’t sing”

Hey me.

Younger me. I envy

your joy.

The world was bright

You felt so light

How did your love have no hesitation

Your brain flooded with serotonin

Wait, no… that’s a lie.

To your mom you’d cry and cry

Concerned and puzzled she’d ask why.

<I love you and you’re my

whole world. I’m sorry I will try

to not misbehave. I love you don’t be mad.>

Little toddler Ry, yeah that’s why they were sad.

Though my well of tears is nearly dry

from ‘being bad’ and the regret I

am so tired of cry-

-ing, though in hindsight you were too.

Maybe we’re not so different me and you.

-

Hey me.

Younger me. I envy

your naïveté.

The world was oh so

beautiful. As far as you know

true pain is rare

and life treats everyone fair.

But that’s a lie.

‘Girls rule, boys drool,’ you’d announce

on the playground you’d pronounce

as if to try to prove you had some worth.

‘Girls can do everything boys can plus give birth!’

Simple math, my side was the winner.

Boys or girls, the only divisor.

If you had to be one, you’d be on the cool side for sure.

I understand feeling inadequate

But since you’re white, your social problems ain’t shit

compared to what our neighbors of color go through

Though I’m not a girl (spoiler, neither were you)

Maybe we’re not so different me and you.

-

Hey me.

Present me. They’d envy

your many bonds.

Yes friends they do come and go

But now I know

that doesn’t mean I’ll be alone.

If only I could have shown

you before

you went and hurt your-

-self and who you loved. Oh

you can and you will grow

and it’s scary yes I know

but change is something you have to undergo.

You are part of me. Though I’m no longer you.

Don’t hate yourself, I love you through and through.

[calangkoh]

I think if Ed, Al and Roy of both 03 and MH met each other they wouldn't get along. MH!Ed would hate 03!Ed for killing, while 03!Ed thinks MH!Ed is naive. MH!Roy would hate that 03!Roy gave up on Hughes and his dream, while 03!Roy would think MH!Roy a monster for choosing vengeance over morals. The Al's would be better, but mh!Al would get thrown off by 03!Al's instablity and anger issues, while 03!Al would see MH!Al as babyish in the vein of Fletcher Tringham.

oh i LOVE this game. thinking about them all meeting. 

i actually disagree and think theyd all be very empathetic toward each other, with some variations. i think MH characters would feel a lot of sadness for their 03 counterparts and wonder what could have pushed them.

but it comes down to interpretation and what you’re more interested in seeing, and i also am not as familiar or invested in the MH versions so i cant say how in character my interpretations are. 

if anyone wants to share more ideas on this id be super interested in reading! but for now my headcanons would be:

the eds: 03 ed has a feeling of inferiority to MH ed, who is taller, stronger, more accomplished, and fulfilled. he has everything he wants. and he’s also much louder and brasher than 03 ed whose become very worn down like an old man by the ripe age of 18 and i can legit see him finding MH overwhelming. if they met when they were younger they’d be bros. they’d constantly egg each other on and be annoying to everyone else, but have a blast with each other, while also doing everything to NOT talk about the sad stuff they share in their past. they know each other and its unspoken. but at the end of their respective journeys, MH looks at 03 ed with pity, and 03 ed looks at MH ed and he decides he understands Envy and how he felt seeing his father with a happy family that didnt include him. they’d be 50% awkward silence, 10% a maybe heartfelt talk (since both eds are very capable of those when they let their guard down), and 40% just discussing their lives and finding commonalities and eventually finding something to laugh and joke about. even if its self deprecating humor. both of them admire each others dedication to their brother and recognize they both did everything they could, but had different situations where different choices had to be made. now if a YOUNGER ed met an older ed in any combo, it’d be very different.

the als: if theyre both in the armor, they'd spend some time sharing stories but mostly just sit in comfortable silence, i feel, again with an unspoken understanding of each others struggles. al is pretty quiet and rarely shares his feelings or thoughts until they’re really strong, so i think they’d just sorta coexist. now if we’re talking restored al, post series for both of them, i can see a few routes, but just to pick one, i think fmab is going to feel like a babysitter for his (physically) younger counterpart, but they both are still very kind and sweet and excited to be back in their bodies and will probably go out collecting kittens together lol. but eventually something would give way and fmab al will realize how totally messed up 03 al is from his experiences, and 03 al will have resentment toward fmab al. like something would just slip out or 03 al would do something reckless or even self-destructive that fmab al just couldnt ever see himself doing, and 03 al will project his guilt and self-hatred onto his counterpart. 

the roys: now THESE guys i dont think would like each other, but theyre both mature and world-weary adults so its not like they would fight or anything. disagree and dislike each other, but never fight or argue about it. 03 roy is too sad and honestly slimy for MH roy, and MH roy is too....well like fmab ed is for 03 ed he’s just too much for 03 roy. MH is much louder and brasher and a more likable personality. also, MH roy is just...a better person kjahdgjkdgs. they’d probably get the sense of their differences right away, and decide to just go get a drink together rather than argue about them. they both were affected by the war and they miss having a drinking buddy so....yeah they’ll drink in silence, probably another unspoken thing that they’re toasting to hughes. 

the eds and als swapped: if fmab ed got to hang with 03 al (and for this we’re going only with post-series, since that’s where they all differ enough from their counterparts to make for interesting dynamics), he’d sense the Off-ness right away. like yeah this is def al, but somethings definitely off under the surface. he’d go big brother mode, since 03 al is physically much younger. 03 al, who is technically the same age as everyone else, prolly isnt a fan, since he’s used to being the caretaker and voice of reason and conscience to ed, but now hes got an ed, one that isnt even his ed, trying to tell him to more careful and stuff lol. 03 ed with fmab al is a less unique dynamic. fmab al would be doing what any al always does and tries to be that caretaker/conscience and like fmab ed, would pick up on his brother’s counterpart’s Offness right away. fmab al senses this ed has issues and is on top of it trying to get him to take better care of himself. and 03 ed would just be like...eh sure. he may wonder about this version of al and if he was a good enough big brother to his own al. since fmab al seems as wholesome and pure as ever, while his al is, as one anon put it, a stepford smiler (where the wholesome and pure behavior is more of a defense mechanism to hide pain underneath)

sorry for not including winry, but it just got to be too long, and i think they’d basically just be bros anyway regardless of when in their stories theyre meeting. theyd geek out and show each other automail stuff. and complain about how stupid their eds are. instant bffs. 

EDIT; ajdhjd i just wanna clarify that theres a lot of focusing on their differences to rlly emphasize the different spots they ended in (hence some dramatization), but 03 ed isnt just a depressed shut in and 03 al isnt a mess of a human reckless ed elric 2 (i feel like i accidentally imply this sometimes that he’s a totally different person when in actuality the change in als personality i often refer to would be very hard to detect) but when comparing them to their BH counterparts those differences are more clear because 03 does have them end up in much more fragile and challenging states. Overall theyd still have a lot in common (both als are genuine caring patient sweeties and both eds are heroic, bold, and extremely caring under a rough exterior) but if i just talked about their similarities then it wouldnt be an interesting dynamic to write or read about.

[exploringmagic11]

Valentine loop

This is my first blog ever and I think I couldnt find a better day to start writing exactly what I feel. It’s Valentine’s Day today and the time is 7.45 am. Oh and it’s a Sunday. I am never awake at this time but when I am, it has to be because of my early morning work shifts, life problems or I must be hungry! For now, I am at my cafe shop and for the first time in past year I have seen this store extremely quiet and peaceful. Because of stage 4 lockdown, the city has come to a hault. There’s nowhere people or cars to be seen. Just the neighbours’ annoying cats and pretty scary dog. Btw, I am a doggo person, but you should meet our next-door dog. I remember the first time me and my 3 other housemates came looking for a house - where we live now from past 2 years - but were new to this place and neighbourhood then. This huge-ass dog, almost half of my size appeared out of nowhere and was about to bite me right in my ass. But he didnt as apparently he was one of those barking dogs and not the biting one! Thank god!

Anyway, so the only people visiting my store right now are the working people who apparently also work on Sundays, I pity them! The old cute couples who are off to their morning walks, grabbing a cup of coffee and a newspaper. By now, I recognize these people. As its been a year for me working at this store, I actually have my favourite customers and I wait to see a glance of them everyday. Coming to the point, there is a small flower section in the store. Being Valentines’ day, people are buying roses and I could feel the sweet love in the air. What surprised me was the people buying these roses, chocolates and cards are the oldies. The previous generation. It is the entire reason for me writing these thoughts all of a sudden.

It’s strange how love has been all hyped up. People are afraid to commit, afraid to express just because of the mere possibility of getting heart broken or hurt. Well ,what happened to the love where there were no boundaries, and one could just be able to express exactly what they feel? Why have people started giving up on each other? What happened to staying and working things out? What happened to just being there for each other let what come? I think just the idea of being in love is so over rated than actually being in love. I see an old couple, holding hands, going for their evening walk and I think that is exactly what I want. A partner in crime to be there till the end. A person, a best friend, a companion, someone who is a pain in the ass but still my favourite person. Obviously, it is not a rule to fall in love, but isn’t it a wonderful feeling? To be able to speak everything that is in your heart to that one person and not be judged. People find this love in their better halves, a friend, family, their pets or even their own self. It all depends on your idea of perfect love.

So, here’s to another year of finding love and happiness in someone or in your own self. Do not give up, because it will always be magical at the end.

Happy Valentines.

XOXO

#valentines #valentineday #firstblog #love #life #happiness #thoughts

[captainnipslip]

i haven't been writing lately but i've been meaning to. my tv is always too loud and i didn't think my self care list was so long but it is. the worst part of it all is, i wrote it horizontally so i couldnt put writing at the top. i have been thinking a lot, about people in my life i've built homes with. some of the home have been mine, some of them i've been a visitor, an unwelcome houseguest, a stored decoration in the basement. there are people who lie. in fact most people lie. if you have never lied you are a liar. the only way to stop being a liar is to acknowledge and do better. some people do not want to stop being liars. and since all liars are thieves, we know most people are thieves. and being a thief grants a much more palpable reward- who could say no when its already in your hand?

imagine youve built a home with someone. you are young and you have absolutely no construction experience. and laying the foundation goes okay, you think, because you are following his lead and he seems to know what he's doing. you trust him. and then the beams for the walls go up and he told you that everything was ready to go but he blew through the whole budget already without telling you. he said if you could break the bones in your legs and roll them out like cookie dough on video we would have enough money to finish our house.

you remember seeing a video just like that one online once, only a clip. it didn't surprise you in the least, you'd just scrolled past a man breaking his fingers backward with teeth, like a bottle opener staring down the camera. before that was a cow of a woman methodically ripping out clusters of maybe 10 hairs and letting them dangle as she chewed.

so you climb up to the very highest parking garage in your hometown and you jump, remembering to lock your knees. and you hit the ground and the pain is terrible and youve never looked at your own bone before and it doesnt look anything like a tooth and he's there. he's so happy, so you are too. that's what your mother taught you.

and you want him to stay because he pushed you around in a wheelchair until you told him that it excited and interested you. and youd seen videos like that before and making one was something different. and after that, the money that was supposed to finish the house went to more videos. you tied yourself naked to the roof of a playground and lit your hair on fire. you were strapped by your hands and feet to the roof of his car upside down for two days straight, and he joined every funeral procession he could find. you were beaten by drunkards and you had to stand there and take it.

and then his mother told you that the foundation was laid with stolen money and didnt belong to either you or him. and then he told you he was building a new house. and you felt sad for the girl who didn't know her foundation was stolen but more pity for yourself. you were young. nobody had ever stolen for you before- only ever from you. and if he was stealing for you, then you didn't have to admit what he stole from you. to anybody.

and you got older and you dove headfirst into trying to handle what he took from you but you didnt even understand it yourself and that wasnt your fault. and it came and went and was done in alleys past curfew carrying a detention center bound backpack. you ripped yourself apart but only where nobody could find it.

and now you are much older. and the people who could benefit from knowing what was stolen from you, because youll never get it back and that lives with you, they know. and the people who saw the video but not your pain are far behind.

would you be at peace?

[whiskey-nips]

The Winter Cycle and confronting the Shadow

I have 45 drafts of my writing on this tumblr. I’ve just gone throught them and cringed, laughed, recognized cycles, and have announced my victory over all  the bullshit of my old self. It’s new years, time to reflect and purge, burn, drown, and bury all the shadows of the past you that haunt you and keep you from sleeping at night. 

I admit that I ask questions that are stupid and I’m too lazy to look up things like...Can you see your shadow in the snow? But I think about shadows, death and darkness a lot in the winter. I dont think it’s scary, I think it’s the type of thinking that is aligned with the cycles of nature. Creepy shadows of skeleton trees in your window. The longest night passes in december, it seems like the dark lasts forever. Alot of people die in winter and not just as a coicidence, but because winter is lonely, hard and dark. In the world in my head...Winter is for battling the shadow in yourself. You see, it’s too cold and dead to distract youself with outside matters. It’s snowing and you’re stuck inside, bored and you start to get introspective. Old wounds and hurts find their way back in your brain when everything is still and there is nothing to be done, but stay warm in bed and dwell. The skeleton trees outside your window have to face their shadow and the fact that underneath their bountiful bushy leaves and foilage they are a vulnerable collection of bare twigs and branches. frozen water penetrates them and weighs heavy on them, breaking little parts of themselves, but luckily the roots underground that you can not see are busy. Keeping them alive monitoring where stored sustainance should go. The roots, the roots, the roots. bless those roots and our roots, Acknowledge your roots, what keeps you going when everything is dark, cold, and barren. When you see yourself immobilized by the sheer nature of winter, do you distract yourself or reflect on the parts of yourself you may not like, but are stuck with. Can you learn to be still with them? Can you learn to accept them? Can you love yourself fully even though you are sometimes a flawed, terrible, monster or agent of chaos and destruction? 

In these times maybe people reflect on faith or look towards others for validation, they may even lash out about their life and situation to loved ones, or they could be reduced to a puddle of self pity. I have been all of these people, but this year I’m trying really hard to love and accept myself all of myself and mostly importantly my shadow self. looking inwardly at my shadow self, I see all my old destructive habits and faults, but I also see little girl me, who doesnt know what I know now and is just trying her best, without a lot of help or direction. She doesnt have the bags under her eyes or the beat up farm hands I do now, she is young and precious.  And when I see little girl me, I see my 9 month old daughter, shes learning how to be a person, learning everything from me, so in turn i need to keep learning so that I can keep teaching her. I see these little children and realize a lot of the things that I did that i feel guilt or shame about was because I wanted attention, I wanted to feel loved, I wanted to feel less lonely. I didnt have the coping mechanisms or the understanding of healthy relationships that I do now. So I give little me and my own baby girl unconditional love and acceptance. Because I think most people can agree that all children deserve love, period. Aren’t we all someone’s child? Me and my daughter and human peoples in general are always going to make mistakes out of emotions like jelousy, and lonliness, anger, panic, discontentment and that never ends in lifes, but we can figure out why we did the things we did. Accept that everyone goes through things like these and has these unpleasant emotions that can lead to unpleasant thoughts, and actions. The fact that you are feeling sorry, guilt and shame about whatever happened means that you have become wiser. You are not that person that made that mistake anymore, Congratualions are in order, you have ascended and bettered yourself from that shitty person you were and in that moment in time.

So in short, face that shitty stuff, own up to it, Realize you’re not that person anymore, and look, at least you learned something new about yourself, your wants, needs, boundaries, desires and what have you. I talked to my significant other about my shame, guilt, and embarressment and it brought me closer to him. True intimacy is vulnerability. And knowing my faults and shortcomings, he still loves me unconditionally and loves me for all that I am, bugs and all. We had amazing sex after our sob fest. I want my daughter to know unconditional love and I will make sure to give it to her through all the hard, embarressing and challenging phases of her life, so that she may find the unconditonal love I have with my friends and partner in life. 

I think we are supposed to face, accept and love our shadows in winter and after all the introspection, deep thoughts, dissecting of traumas, purging of things that dont serve us anymore,  we should be filled up again. Meaning a holiday party that goes on for a full month. Viking style is what comes to mind the most, A huge wooden dining hall lit only by a huge hearth and lots of candles. the coldest, darkest month of the year is the setting of this great party and feast, that starts on the solstice and doesnt end till the middle of january. The old ancestors had it right. Before capitalism all you did in winter was live off your year’s harvest and stayed inside with loved ones, drink, be merry. Nothing urgent was or could be done until you could work the land again anyways. the only priority was keeping everyone warm, fed, loved and sane during this time of year. I hope there is a cozy winter party hall in my future. Here’s to the new year and surviving the winter. May we try and keep each other warm with our dreams and words of love, understanding, and acceptance this winter, so that we may be able to celebrate, hug and party out the cold and darkness together next winter.