#pierre bezukhov x napoleon

[comradebezukhov]

uhh can we get pierre x napoleon for the my immortal style fic please (not nsfw)

Ask and you should receive. Here we go:

Ship: Pierre Bezukhov x Napoleon

Themes: Vampires, vampire hunter, betrayal, hurt and comfort, eventual angst

Word count: 523

My name is Pierre Kazookid amd I am a vampirw hunter from Russia. I am currently dating a Frnech vampirw named Napoleon so it's all forbieen love amd styff. He murders ppl in wars qnd drinks there blood and everything. He also has the auperpower od communicating with furniture. Right now he is away fighting some other countrys and taking war prisoners and drinking thwir blood, leaving me alone with my BFF Andrei Colonoscopy, who is also a vampire hunter.

“Pier we have talked about this,” says Andrew, “you cannot date Napoleon becuz he is a vampirw and we are supposed to kill him. One day he will drink you as well and you will die.” As you can see Andrew doesn't really like Neopolitan. He has thinks he is some evil fucking bitch or something.

“Its ok Andrei I know Nemo will never betray me after all we are in luv," I say, “right now I need to write him a letter.”

I opened the drawer to dicovwr thwt I hav ran out of paper so instead I went to Nemo's room to borrow some. I open his drawer and find.............. a stack of letters from Tsar Alexander, another vampire!

I gasped as I read the letters. They are very amorous and graphic. Tsalamder even attach a portrait of his wenis in one of them. This made me so angry and depressed, so I drink a bunch of ethanol and made Andrew drive me to kick Salamander's ass, but not before I put on my neom pink tyrannosaurus onsie.

We arrive at Salamander's palace soon after. I kick open his door and screamed, “SALAMANDER YOU PIECE OF TRASH I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU STOLE MY MAN.” I threw a Bible at him, killing him instantly. Nikogay, his no.1 fanboy was crying and being annoying, so I yeeted a Bible at him as well. That didn't kill him tho because he is a human but that sure as hell shut him up.

Then we go to kill Napoleon. He is very surprised to see us, “Pierre dear what are you doing here—”

“YOU CHEATING PIECE OF SCUM I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WERE HAVING A THING WITH SALAMANDER,” I yelled, picking up a table to yeet on him.

The table fkew avross the room but stops mid-air because Napoleon asks it to. I picked up a chair to yeet at him but he stops me, “Wait Pierre I can explain!”

“Well explain then!”

“I am only flirting with Salamander to trick him!”

Andrew frowns, “Trick him for what?”

“You know, to invade Russia later amd end serfdom and start a revolutiom and stuff?”

It sounds so touching I start to cry, “Awww babe thank you! You know it is what I have always wanted!”

We start smacking our lips into one another like toilet lid and the toilet seat, almost strangling each other in the process.

Suddenly, Neopolitan collapses. Behind him stands Andrew, who has stabbed Nemo with a cross.

“I am so sorry Peter, this is for greater good,” sighes Andrew before shooting me with a Nerf gun, and I died in Nemo's arms.