#physical therapy was horrible
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it’s been an awful day and i don’t have it in me to socialize or anything at all
#ooc ↳ mox#i’ve literally been crying off and on since about 2:30 this afternoon#work was awful#physical therapy was horrible#and the rest of the nights just been shit#sorry guys
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My PT when I don't to my home exercises...
#I'm really good now#but when I was younger#I was a horrible patient#physical therapy#chronic illness#stroke#ehlers danlos syndrome#pots#ehlers danlos#dysautonomia#chronically ill#hypermobile ehlers danlos
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42 hour work weeks and coming home to my mom crying everyday is just : )
#i feel absolutely horrible that she is in pain ( rotator cuff tear )#but what can you do ??#the doctors won’t do anything to fix it beyond physical therapy#it’s so draining to listen to her cry all day everyday#and i’m just…#i feel like our household will never be happy again
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i think about that person who said they like the way i draw knees every time i draw knees
#talkys#im gonna keep talking here so i dont make another text post hi#i bought some alcohol based markers and immediately regretted it but im still excited#i was in need of retail therapy i guess. havent had packages arriving in a while#tmi coming up -> finally also bought pink and cow print jock i'd been eyeing for months#if it gets here on time i might wear it with the cowboy ken outfit to the barbie movey#(if the cowboy ken outfit even happens)#i need to earn sum money and am opening comms today but ive been doing really bad#i keep sleeping fine but waking up with headache and tired no matter what#last night i tried so many times to draw talon for a redraw and it wouldnt work#and my wrist started hurting after like 10 mins#i thought taking a break from art was supposed to help. i just feel like ass. i feel horrible in every direction.#waugh#feel bad about art feel bad about gender feel bad physically feel bad about my life and future. feel bad about. lonely. i just feel bad.
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i have been gone because i have gotten super sick, added yet another diagnosis to my health bingo card, am looking for a full time job, and am also learning how to drive.
#idk the fact i have osteoarthritis makes sm sense and legit. i am just. yeah.#my best friend from college is down here now and we are looking for opportunities for her & i start physical therapy soon for my horrible#knees.#but i aced my job interview and was so confident#ooc.
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..
#i know that when joining a community you have to learning to put up with people who dont suit you. who you dont vibe with#but i feel like theres a distinct difference in not vibing with and putting up with bullies and those who wield their#insecurities and traumas like weapons against everyone around them. policing everyone and every space they enter with them.#like yeah its valid to be uncomfortable at times and be triggered at times but how you handle it is key.#im triggered every time im surrounded by the teams' drunken bullshit but i find ways to cope.#im triggered by the dickhead whos just like my ex-friend of 20+ years but i dont force the coach to kick them out to keep me happy#like. if its gonna be this safe space you're preaching you need to not be the key element of why it isnt safe. just thoughts.#ignore me im just getting very tired of the squad I'm on in rugby rn and considering bailing for the rfc even though i dont jive with#the coach and cant physically keep up with any of them and wont get any playing time#so on that side id be horribly depressed and ignored but socially i think id be happier because this mean girls shit. im done.#if we cannot stamp it out before the end of the season then im bailing for fall cause im not putting up with these fucks#its only a handful of ppl who police and act like the chronically online therapy speak dickheads who havent actually grown up#but theyre very loud about it and im. its not why I joined.
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I was going to go get my windshield wipers replaced today but it's apparently too fucking cold for my car to start so that'll have to wait until tomorrow (:
#few things piss me off quite as much as going to do a stupid grownup thing#getting my coat and shoes on and all ready#only to be unable to do this stupid responsibility#btw if you were wondering why I need new windshield wipers#well one of them has been not great for a while#and the other one I accidentally SNAPPED IN HALF bc of the horrible cold and ice last week#I wanted to get it fixed LAST weekend but it was so cold that it was dangerous to leave my fucking house#so it had to get pushed off until today but apparently it's actually going to have to wait until TOMORROW#I NEED to get them fixed. there is rain in the forecast.#anyways I'm assuming the cold is why my car won't start#bc if it won't start when it warms up tomorrow I have SERIOUS PROBLEMS on my hands#bc I have a bunch of physical therapy appointments that I will need a car for!#just. one thing after another this month. January is punching me repeatedly in the gut#and I'm already v sensitive and tender there#speecher speaks
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Holy shit! I just realized the reason I couldn't fucking see darker art on my phone screen is because I forgot I turned the brightness way down last night and never fixed it. I feel so stupid.
#i can now see the fanart id been looking at without it being mostly shadowed aha#crab says words#i keep my brightness pretty low but i had a headache last night so turned it almost all the way off#it was enough for it to be darker but not super obvious hence the being dumb and not fixing it#anyways i actually came here to talk about how i had a physical therapy appointment but they told me that actually im fine so uh#they recommended seeing neurology for my head issues and maybe pain management and to come back later when i knew more specific stuff#i didnt even know there was a specialized pain management department at the hospital#honestly i think i manage just fine *dramatic flailing that indicates that im both horribly offend and also lying*#anyways yeah still not diagnosed and still in constant pain lets go! i have another appointment next month for something else#its like rheumatology? i dont know what they do aha but apparently i need to see them to get diagnosed?#i am a perfectly mature and functional adult.... (my mother made the appointments and knows the information)#i am absolutely useless :D#and with all that said! sorry i was too lazy to make this two different posts lmao#the pt appointment left me with a horrible headache that i still have so im gonna go cry about it :)
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it really is wild my mom and i will be all doting one minute and absolutely pissed at each other the next it's fucking wild however i've put out the proposition that she stops treating me like an idiot and also like i don't need anything ever at the same time
#vall txt#if you saw how she treats my sister and i you'd think my sister was the youngest#parentified eldest daughter my lily white ass#she made me go to my physical therapy on foot not once but twice!!!!!#while i was suffering from horrible chronic pain just so she could do whatever the fuck with my sister in town#something my sister did not need her for at all#and she does shit like that all the time#and also says stuff that is rather one step behind for blaming me for things that wow ok ye sure my 13 year old self sure did all that uh u#doesn't help that i look at my dad and like i love him too but if i look at him for more than 20 minutes i start feeling a hatred so big#it could burn several houses down#sorry for the rant tho#i'm having a horrible night#am anxious for my cats vet visit tomorrow and because i was upset i also got some nice lil flashback lmao#sdfjkbsd vent over
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spent the whole day in bed on my phone someone please assassinate me
#i just can't stop wasting time...#was supposed to study but here we are#this whole month was horrible tbh#started the new year with covid my birthday was absolutely underwhelming & now i'm suffering from neck pain#i start physical therapy on tuesday i'm so anxious but i just hope it helps :(#i'm only 3 weeks into school & i'm already so sick & tired of it all#i'm tired of having exams every fucking week & having to study all the time#i also need to schedule a meeting with the principal of the school bc i have too many sick days#i'm so scared they won't let me graduate bc i missed a lot of school days but what can i do when i have so many health issues :(#this year definitely didn't start out great for me & i can feel myself getting depressed again#it feels like every year is just worse than the previous one#i think my problem is that i just want my life to magically get better without putting in any effort myself#but i'm just so TIRED of everything life shouldn't be so hard#and i hate how i'm just constantly complaining instead of taking action but it just feels like everything i do is always in vain#like i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying but i'm hanging on by a thread#to quote kafka: i could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason#😔😔😔#☁️
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ouagh at some point i should try to post some of the multiple thousands of pictures I've taken every time i go to an aquarium huh
#toy txt post#i went thru my phone and sorted almost everything in my camera roll at some point#need to do more sorting again and also sort into narrower categories to make it easier to tag shit and then#ill be able to like. navigate my insane amount of photos on here one day#also the multiple thousands is not. an exaggeration#i seem ti take At Least 1000 everytime. i go to an aquarium#less so at the one i volunteer at sometimes just cos. its smaller and i try not to be on my phone while volunteering#ouaaaagh#i guess i should try to look into more. schooling/edu fucking cation#cos volunteering there. doesnt suck#like its a little physically demanding just cos the water is Very Extremely Cold and its like 2hrs drive away from me#but like. like i Hate interacting w ppl i dont think i could do customer service or retail BUT i love#a captive audience to infodump about sea life to#i just need a college professor that is very extremely patient w me and treats me like the fragile little baby that i am/j#i guess i need to once again seek out Fucking Therapy to wrangle with my Homework Issues#all those posts explaining how to study that were too triggering to look at ages ago. guess i need to find them lol#god. it really does feel like such a silly stupid issue i have here. like if someone else told me they had issue w this id be like#no yeah of course that sounds horrible im so sorry etc#but alas i am not so forgiving w myself like#oh yeah im apparently traumatized ig by uhhhh Being Assigned Homework. like. normal amount. it was fine and all#like i passed shit. it was extremely difficult and i barely made it in some classes but i did Get Thru It and i had like accommodations to#turn in shit late and everything but uhhhhhhh#yea#theres slightly more to it than that ig but! like. basically. that is basically.#im a huge baby who couldnt do their fucking homework and now if i see Study Tips ill start crying#which is super inconvenient cos like hey bitch you know what might help with the homework?#taking my brain out of my skull and shaking it#anyway. im way offtopic here#the point is that i have so fucking many pictures of fish#and also pictures of birds from the beach i have soooo fucking many. i should post more Photos
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The fact that ppl can remember things is just wow. Like give me some of your brain power I just need it for a bit
#everyday I realize how horrible my attention span is. every single day#serious note since I’ve been realizing that it may not just be autism it may also be adhd#but I like struggle so much. and even outside of when I struggle I have a lot of oddities that are explained by adhdautism#my attention span is the most glaring one bc I literally cannot watch movies with how bad I can’t focus#but other things like my very high energy to very low#hyper fixation on things (tho also may just be my interests they kinda go hand in hand)#fidgety ness like I never realized how much I just do I cannot just sit or stand without filling the space with a song or dance#not even getting into the autism side bc my head hurts#the thing is I see this and recognize that hey I’d probably do a lot better if I got this checked out at some point#but I’m too scared to bc I physically cannot ask for help and go mute due to stress if I try#hey we’ll see this Friday with my next therapy appointment if I actually talk out any of my real issues instead of dancing around them#ruse rambles
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I’m so glad my exams are finally over bc I can at last cut my long term friends off since I have so much free time now.
#people think that I will ALWAYS be there simply because I tolerate how much they use me for their therapy and never even ask if I’m ok when#it’s sooooo obvious I somehow seem to always get progressively worse in terms of physical and mental health#and so ! because of my MH I haven’t been able to talk to most people at all#like I’d get a panic attack at the thought and I’d just have to close the app and just calm myself down#and my heart … it would hurt so bad from how my anxiety which already makes me gag uncontrollable and jolt awake from how violently I’m#trembling somehow my heart started to hurt so bad to the point I felt I was going to die soon#so I genuinelyyyyy couldn’t even talk to anyone#I’ve always wondered that if I stopped texting first if people would even notice#these past six months proved that no they wouldn’t#even the person I’ve been friends with for 8 years btw didn’t care#we used to talk daily#when she was in hospital I always checked up on her more than anyone even tho I couldn’t visit the hospital I’d always send her messages and#try to yk help to my capacity and stuff#but she had replaced me by another girl kinda and she stopped talking to me after I stopped talking first bc of my health issues#and the saddest part is that barely anyone out of all the people I’ve tried to befriend ever spoke to me anymore#this has been one of the loneliest periods of my life-the fact that I am useless apart from temporary entertainment and a person to waste#time with ? in fact I’m barely considered for these options in general#anyways so !!! I just gave up ! beforeeven the thought of cutting someone off I’d need to genuinely be held at gun point for someone to make#me cut off a bad person but now although I’m quite stressed still I’m lowkey ok with cutting off ppl#just bc of how absolutely horribly I’ve been abused and treated by all of them#sorry for being annoying I just needed somewhere to note this down I HATE being negative but all my life is negativity no matter how much I#distract myself with the very very few things I like (I only kinda like on thing here now … and even that I’m forcing myself to like it a#little …) so yeah I always feel guilty for saying these things and making these posts nobody has any idea how bad the guilt is but what else#can I do ? I don’t know …#like I have only ever confronted people TWICE my whole life not bc I’ve not been abused I’ve actually been really badly taken advantage of#consistently and without fail at every stage of my life but I don’t say anything bc I’m worried they’ll get upset#the reasons I ever said anything at the end is bc those ppl made me so suicidal more than usual and yeah … I Can cut them off right?#whatever whatever it doesn’t matter now my existence amongst them isn’t liked it seems anyways so why would they care if I left ?
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maybe sending nudes to somebody here would distract me from these awful fucking thoughts
#haven't SH'ed in so long so to get these cravings again makes me feel so guilty and horrible#like i'll always retreat back into my depression when things start getting back#i made a mistake today at school which i honestly was confused about#but it's fucking me over and i feel terrible about it and for inconveniencing a few people#i apologised to everybody involved but i still feel horribly ashamed for what i did#i'm in therapy and i'm trying to work out these thoughts#but i still can't swallow the thought that i deserve to be physically harmed for such a mistake#that i deserve to bleed for what i've done#i have two callouses on left hand from deadlifting and i keep picking at them#i finally peeled the dead skin off of one and it felt great#it's sick#i keep looking at the rolled#i know by tomorrow the feelings won't be as intense but for tonight i'm all by myself and i feel so alone and terrible
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CRY BABIE WIT THE HORMONES AND SUCH
#girllllldkjnvkjdnkvidrmv imma mess today#just had my last therapy session#she was so so kind to me said i was one of the most proactive ppl shes worked with and given how much physical and emotional turmoil ive#had to overcome that im doing amazing and have put so much work in for myself. it was so touching#im still crying lol#and had this horrible miscommunication with trees that left me in bits but was hopefully resolved
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hey, your situation sounds unbelievably shitty and Im so so sorry. this might sound patronising and unhelpful from someone you dont know, especially someone who doesnt know whats happening in your life, but remember you can call or text 1737 and/or 0800 543 354 to start with, or any loved ones, hell I’ll come off anon in a heartbeat if that’ll help lmao - what you’re going through sucks and whatever you chose to do you’re not alone (as cheesy as that is)
it's all good..... i mean, not really, but my pain is tied to my depression—when my pain gets bad my depression follows— and i can kind of recognize its ebbs and flows. i think i went through it the worst a few days ago, so hopefully it starts to ease up.
thank you for reaching out. it does mean a lot. you even used the new zealand helpline numbers too, which is very sweet. <33
unfortunately my experiences with the 1737 one (and hotlines in general) hasn't really ever been positive. its run by volenteers to kind of only ever really try to teach you breathing methods, or at worse call the cops on me LMAO;; so i tend to stray away from them.
but I do finally, finally, have my first therapy appointment in like a week or so, and im kind of nervous for it, but its done through the maori community instead of government (which has failed me so many times, omg lmao), and my mom has been and says they're very helpful and see you as a person, not just a number—so hopefully that helps!
seriously, thank you again sm for reaching out. i never mean to scare or freak anyone out when I post my vent stuff—i just usually have no where else to turn to so its just nice to yell into the void sometimes haha. but i do really appreciate it, genuinely very much <33
#suicide tw#depression tw#the fact you looked up the nz helplines for me is so sweet too like 🥺#im also finally seeing an osteopath for my horrible back and potentially getting physical therapy too#i have a surgery lined up and its taken like 6 months of paperwork to finally have them remember who i am & that they already operated on m#also omg sorry for the word vomit aaa;;#thank you again <333 i hope your day is wonderful <333
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