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philsbrownquiff · 4 years ago

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the dangers of premarital divorce

guess what I wrote something!!!

words: 1702

summary: A reflection on all the years that Dan's commitment issues have motivated him in various ways, and how realizing he accidentally is planning on spending 20 more years with Phil is maybe a bit scary.

It had started years ago really, back in Manchester. They had always talked about the future, but never too far into it. But, like it is with all young loves, he had the idea of forever in the back of his head. He would sit with Phil watching anime, eating dinner quietly, laughing while playing video games, and he would think, "This could be my life. This could be how it is every day."

And of course he didn't really share these thoughts at first. They were almost too intimate to verbalize. They were intimidating. They were meant for late at night when he was by himself thinking about life at 3 AM. That was the only time he could really entertain them for any amount of time. They were filled with laughter and loving embraces and all of the things he had come to associate with spending the day with Phil. And it was good. He had never met anyone like Phil, and he intended to hold on as long as Phil would let him. And that was how it would inevitably end: Phil wouldn't let him. That's how it always was in his head. He was just holding onto the coattails of life, undeserving, and would therefore eventually be left in the dust as soon as he let up his grip.

The first time he realized that he might not actually need to be clinging on so tightly was when Phil had asked him to move in with him. It was so casual. They were laying together in bed one night with Dan's head perched on Phil's shoulder, his body tucked safely into the crook of his arm.

"Would you want to move in with me next year?" He had said, suddenly in the quiet.

Dan froze. Fucking of course he would want to move in. That was his ideal life, actually. But he was suddenly overcome with emotion that he wasn't able to process, and so he just froze for a few seconds, willing his brain to catch up. After what he is sure was an entire lifetime, he sputtered out a "y-yes, I would actually." He could feel Phil relax, even though he hadn't really been able to tell he was tense in the first place. Dan glanced up and saw the somewhat relieved and very much in love grin on Phil's face. It was a reminder that maybe Phil was clinging on tightly as well.

This was the first real time that Dan had realized maybe Phil wanted forever just as much as him. Which, in turn, would cause another problem for his undeserving and overthinking brain: who gave them the authority to decide. Up until now, it had been Phil that was deciding if they would stay together. It was Phil that would decide if Dan could continue to exist with him, because he so obviously wanted it. So if Phil was deciding that yes, he wanted to be with Dan for at least another year, that meant something else was going to stop them. He just had to figure out what it was.

The thing he decided would stop them was the world at large. Homophobia. Tabloids. Their fans. All of it would eventually combine and become too much. They would fall apart at the seams that Dan had tried so hard to re-enforce. It wouldn't be enough. One day, Phil would get tired of hiding or Dan would get so fed up with all of it that he would lash out in a way they wouldn't be able to recover from. And eventually, he thought it was happening. He had so fully convinced himself that this was inevitable, that he basically welcomed it in. One too many testy comments, one too many shut doors, a walk alone without his phone. Maybe it would be better this way. He could just grit his teeth and it would be over. He'd be on his own, just how the universe had destined him.

But that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Phil. He wanted the security and comfort of being loved, of holding Phil in the night when he was anxious. He loved it, he loved Phil. He loved the home they had built and the career they shared. So he snapped out of it. He forced himself to fight for it, to fight the world and its odds in order to get to be with him and to keep the things he loved. And he did. He built an empire, tours, books, merch, and, while they were at it, started building a house.

And during all of that, he was aware of the pressures and he was aware of what he wanted. He was accomplishing a lot. Honestly, he didn't think about if he would get to keep it that much. He was otherwise occupied with defending this life he had made. So, when he realized that maybe he could stop fighting about it, he was a bit relieved. He could finally relax.

Idle minds do the work of the devil. Suddenly, he had time to think. They were out, they were building a house. He was writing a book. He wasn't impacted as much by his fans these days. All of his worries about what would break them up had turned out to be untrue (if this was because they were baseless or because he worked so hard to keep them from doing so, he could never be sure). But, that old seedling of thought that had haunted him for the last decade was still lying dormant in his mind: he didn't deserve this.

And that now had time to fester. It grew in his mind, this time without any reason. The future, something he could never be certain about, was suddenly his enemy. Dan had changed so much and in so many ways in his life, why couldn't it happen again? Phil could wake up one day and decide that he actually wanted to leave and there would be nothing he could do about it. Dan could wake up one day and realize he was straight, or that he hated Phil, or one of them could do something unforgiveable and nasty and harmful and they would have a bitter end where he would have a bad aftertaste any time he thought of the entirety of his twenties. He couldn't control the future. Any day, there could be another global pandemic (even though this still had not ended them) that throws them completely off kilter. It hadn't happened yet. But any day, it could.

Which is why when his friends started asking him when they were getting married, he told them to calm down. It's only been ten years of steady companionship and love. It's just a mortgage. Oh god, they had a mortgage. He started to get the same feeling he got when Phil had asked him to move in all those years ago. Phil wanted to spend thirty years with him now? Ten plus a 20 year contract. He started to recall the joint bank account conversations, the first time Phil had asked him if he wanted to be the emergency contact, the fact that they went to the same accountant and financial advisor, all of these things that meant forever. Oh god, why weren't they married at this point. They were already almost there except that one piece of paper. He had already signed himself up for something they didn't deserve and he would eventually change his mind about…right?

"I'm confused, Dan," Phil had chuckled out. "Are you saying you want to get married? Is this your way of proposing?"

"No, I mean, no, I just," he stuttered. What did he want? He wanted to keep things the way they were. He wants this life. He just knows he can't have it. His therapist would yell at him about this and he knew it. Deep breath. "I am just scared that I can't control the future. What if you decide to do something wild or what if I decide to do something wild. Then what? There would already be so much paperwork if we broke up, and then adding in a divorce? It seems ridiculous."

"Ah, so you want a premarital divorce instead…?" Phil trailed off, looking at him with those shining, mischievous eyes that Dan loved so dearly.

"God, fuck off, Phil. No! I'm just saying." He didn't need to elaborate. Phil was just taking the piss, he knew what he meant. He always does when it comes to things like this. That's what happens when you're together for this many years.

They were quiet for a moment while Phil got over his own joke. "Dan, we don't have to get married if you don't want to. If the label is freaking you out, then just forget it." They were quiet again. Phil stared at him. "You know, as far as I have been concerned, we could've eloped years ago. I would've done it. There's no guaranteeing the future, but that gives me more reason to make myself happy today. It could be gone. We could both die in a fiery explosion. And if that's the case, I certainly wouldn't mind being married to you until the very end."

Phil was right. Dan knew that. He was basically spitting his own advice back out at him. If life was meaningless and unpredictable, he may as well do whatever he wanted in the present. And he wanted to be with Phil. But he also knew that it was just a piece of paper. And that if he was going to get married, it would be the best damn party anyone's ever been to, so eloping is off the table. He supposed, maybe, he could just trust himself to make the right decision about forever. He had already made a 10+20 year decision on accident, and that was damn close to the marriage certificate.

But he wasn't about to admit defeat to logic. Not in front of Phil and god and everyone. So he didn't. He just sighed a long sigh with about 50 emotions embedded in it. "That's gay, Lester."

#ive never done a fic be nice pls #dan and phil #fic #commitment issues #this is literally just me venting through them lol im sorry guys #dan #phil #mine

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ryrycaptain · 4 years ago

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My Juliet - PBB 2020

Hello and welcome to my fic for the PBB this year. I took inspiration from reading Romeo and Juliet to create this story. I’ll be forever grateful for ilikestopwatches who helped me so much with this fic. I’d also like to thank Divy for making some amazing art to go along with my fic.

ao3 link

Dan was growing tired of following the lively man in front of him. He had a mop of brown curls resting on his head and green eyes that were framed by a lopsided pair of glasses. They’d already covered the dressing rooms, prop room, and wardrobe, and he was starting to sweat from the beating sun. “Ah here we are, sir,” the man, PJ called out, “the stage.”

Dan gasped in disbelief. He’d never been to the Globe Theatre before, and to see the stage he would be performing on in person was thrilling. The woodwork was intricate, and the stage was strong under his feet. “It’s amazing,” he cheered.

“It surely is a beautiful feat of architecture.”

At the end of the stage, people were spread out busying themselves with their scripts, but one person in particular caught his eye. The man had brown hair with the slightest tint of red and sparkling blue eyes that were framed by a simple pair of glasses. He looked to be in his early thirties, and he was currently staring intensely at the paper in front of him. “Who’s that?” Dan asked PJ.

PJ gave him a look of confusion. “That’s Philip Lester. He’s the author of the play.”

“Oh I’ve heard of him. He’s one of my biggest inspirations, but I’ve never seen him before.”

PJ nodded curtly and clapped his hands together. Everyone looked towards them and Dan’s cheeks flushed at the attention. “This is Daniel Howell, everyone. He will be playing the lovely Juliet. Please give him a warm welcome.”

With that, PJ started walking towards Phil which left Dan awkwardly standing alone on the stage before someone waved him over. He walked over carefully, wary of breaking something if he stepped too hard or breathed too loud. The man who had waved him over was even taller than Dan, which was a surprising feat since Dan was almost 6 feet tall, and had a shock of red hair framing his face. “My name is Christopher, but you can call me Kit. I’ll be playing the charming Romeo,” the redhead said.

“Um it’s nice to meet you. I’m Daniel but you can call me Dan,” he said, shaking his hand.

“Would you like to practise with me?” Kit asked. “We have a lot of lines together.”

Dan laughed. “I suppose I can make some time to practise with you.”

—

Dan had spent a good hour going over the script with Kit, and he had to admit that the story was brilliant. He could tell the play would be a huge hit with the plot twists and romantic storyline. He wasn’t totally surprised though because Lester’s plays always seemed to amaze him. Speaking of Philip Lester, he was currently perched on a seat in the highest viewing room and yelling at Kit.

“No. No. No. You’re doing it all wrong, Kit,” Philip sighed. “You sound too happy about your recent breakup. The whole point of this scene is to show Romeo’s impulsive behavior. You must be saddened by the loss of your relationship.”

“Ok,” Kit said. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still, should, without eyes, see pathways to his will!”

“That’s better, but I still feel like I am watching someone recite lines not mope about their lost love. You must practise this scene. Now, go on and take a break.”

“Yes, Sir,” Kit replied before walking over to the water where Dan was.

“I promise you he’s not always like this,” Kit stated after seeing the worry in Dan’s eyes. “I was an understudy for one of his other shows. He has a soft side, but it takes him some time to de-stress.”

Dan nodded. “I understand.”

Although he tried to play it off as a causal concern, Dan was worried he’d be cut from the show if he didn’t meet Philip’s expectations the first time around. He wasn’t a big name and it was a miracle for him to have a lead part in a Lester original. He needed this role to launch his career.

Pursuing his dream of acting was a huge risk, and his parents were doubtful of him. They were expecting him to earn money and to start a family in the near future and didn’t believe he could do that by playing dress up on a stage, and Dan needed to prove them wrong.

“What’s going through your mind,” Kit said, interrupting his thoughts.

“This is my first major role, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone,” Dan stated.

“I’m sure you have what it takes,” Kit encouraged. “After all, Philip does most of the scouting for his plays so the chances he picked you himself are high.”

Dan felt slightly reassured by that fact but also intimidated by the idea that Philip had seen him perform before. It had taken him a while to perfect his character and he didn’t want to seem incapable. He just had to hope for the best.

——

It was time for Dan to get on stage and to say he was nervous was an understatement. The actors who were playing the nurse and Lady Capulet seemed nice enough, and had some experience acting.

Philip seemed pleased enough with their performance and only commented on a few minor things throughout the run of the show. When they were done with their scene, Dan was pulled aside by a woman named Louise who needed to take his measurements and have him try on a few pieces of clothing. She led him through the halls of the theatre and into a room that was filled to the brim with various costumes and fabrics.

“I’m sorry it’s such a mess, dear. I’ve been a bit busy these days,” she hummed. “Can you step up onto that stool.”

She had long blonde hair and bags under her eyes. She looked exhausted and Dan wondered how many hours she spent at the theatre a day.

He stepped on the platform and she started measuring him with the tape measure that had been hanging on her shoulders. “You’re very nicely built, but I don’t think I have any previous outfits that would fit you. It’s a shame I’ll have to start this one from scratch,” she sighed. “Now to pick a colour!”

Her excitement was cut short by a knock on the door. “Mrs Pentland, may I come in?” A rough voice sounded from outside the door. Dan recognised the owner to be Philip and started to panic.

“Calm down, now,” she whispered to Dan before directing her answer to Philip. “Yes, come in sir.”

Philip let himself in and looked at Dan with a scrutinising gaze. “I was unaware you had company.”

“It’s no big deal, sir. Daniel and I were just deciding which colour dress he’d be wearing.”

“Ah, I believe you’ll make the right decision,” he said with a nod. He turned to Dan and stuck out his hand. “I’m sorry I haven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Philip Lester the director and writer of this play, but you can call me Phil.”

Dan took his hand timidly and shook it. “My name is Daniel Howell, sir. I prefer Dan though.”

“Yes, my Juliet,” Phil stated, making Dan blush. “What got you into acting?”

“Ah, I've always been a fan of the art. My parents took me to a show when I was younger and it’s been my dream to star in one since then.”

“Sounds similar to how I got into theatre although I’m much too shy to be a performer. I’ve always had a knack for writing though. I guess it all worked out in the end.”

“Of course, sir. Someone with as much talent as you is destined to be famous.”

“Can I ask you why you choose to portray women? I know it’s an essential job within the theatre but I rarely meet men who are excited to portray the role,” Phil said, deflecting Dan’s comment.

“I’ve always enjoyed trying on my mother’s dresses and messing around with her makeup. It seems a bit odd, but I like to take advantage of it.”

“I don’t think it’s odd at all,” Phil said with a twinkle in his eye. “I personally believe normalness leads to sadness. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get back before PJ does anything rash with the scene. I’ll see you on stage, Dan.”

He nodded to Louise and shut the door behind himself on his way out. “See, he isn’t as intimidating as he seems,” Louise chuckled, “Now which colour should we go for?”

——

Dan walked out of the room with a smile on his face and a little more confident now that he could imagine the dress he’d be wearing. He wondered if it’d be made of the same itchy material that the ones for his last production were. He would have liked to imagine that the dress would be made of silk but he didn’t know how much they put towards costumes here.

He was stuck in his own fantasy world when he bumped into someone. He immediately bent down to collect his things with a muttered sorry. A hand touched his and he looked up to see Phil staring back at him curiously. “You’re still here? It’s getting pretty late.”

Dan blushed. “Louise and I got caught up talking about the costumes.”

“Oh, do you have experience too?" Phil asked, handing Dan the things he had picked up.

They both stood up and started walking towards the entrance. They weren’t going nearly as fast as they could have, almost like they had mutually decided that they wanted to prolong their conversation.

“I’ve sewn some clothes before but besides that I don’t have any experience. It’s always been an interest of mine.”

Phil nodded. “I’m sure Louise appreciates the company. I worry she gets lonely sometimes.”

“She sounds like she’s important to you,” Dan hums.

“Ah, she’s a family friend, nothing more. She’s already happily married with two kids. I’m afraid our parents would force us to marry if she wasn’t.”

“Oh, so you're single?”

“Yes. I’ve always been dedicated to my work, and it leaves me little time to meet people. Besides, the women my parents set me up with are unbearable. I assume you’ve got someone. You’re young and handsome after all.”

“No, it’s just me,” Dan answered. If he was being honest, he’d never met a woman he was interested in. He found men more intriguing but he would never admit that. He would eventually be married off, and it was for the best. That was just how it was.

“Oh,” Phil stated, “I thought you’d have women lining up to marry you.”

“My family isn’t the best off,” Dan admitted. “My father owns a small shop but that’s our main source of income right now. I hope to change that with this job. After all, my brother is going to university soon.”

“Ah, university. Those were some of the best years of my life. I miss my professors sometimes. They were always my biggest supporters,” Phil mused.

“That sounds charming. I never got to go, not that I really wanted to anyways.”

“That’s interesting. You took a big risk, unless you have some sort of craft you’ve perfected.”

“My only skills are in business, and I don’t have anywhere near enough money to run my own. Besides, I’m happy with my job right now. I’ve already met some nice people.”

“The cast and crew are exceptionally kind though they can get rowdy, especially when they’re under the influence of alcohol.”

“A lot of men are,” Dan agreed.

They were nearing the main doors, and Dan was surprisingly disappointed for their conversation to end. Phil didn’t bore him to death like the others he’d conversed with, and they actually had a solid conversation.

Dan yawned, startling himself back into reality. “You should head home,” Phil stated. “I hope it’s not too long of a walk to your house. It is quite cold and I can’t have my Juliet getting sick.”

“I’ll make sure to bundle up,” he assured the older man. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Dan.”

——

Dan had been standing in the same spot for the past twenty minutes, and even though he was supposed to pretend that he was chatting with others, he was watching Phil direct Kit and the others around the stage.

Phil looked nothing like the shy, nervous version of himself that Dan’d met. On this stage, Phil looked like he was in his element. His voice was firm, and he commanded the attention of the actors around him.

Everyone was starting to look tired, as they were four hours into practice, and people weren’t putting as much effort into their lines. Phil was clearly starting to get annoyed, as his jaw was clenched and his unoccupied hand formed a fist.

He watched as PJ walked his way and waved him over. “What’s wrong, Dan?” PJ said. The exhaustion was clear in his voice, and he glared at Dan. Dan didn’t take offense, because if he was directing a play he’d probably be glaring daggers at everyone too.

“Phil seems to be getting angry, and everyone is exhausted. Do you think we could take a break? Just for everyone to relax a bit,” Dan pleaded.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, but I’ve got to see what Phil says.”

“Can you go ask him now?”

PJ nodded and walked over to where Phil was directed and pulled him aside. Dan watched as they interacted, and Phil’s jaw slowly relaxed. He nodded and called out for everyone to take a break.

Dan exited the stage and grabbed his water. It was nearing summer, and it was almost unbearable to work out in the heat. The canopy above the stage blocked out the harsh sun, but the humidity still hung in the air.

“Thanks for saving me.” Dan jumped and looked over to see Phil looking at him with a grin on his face.

“You looked like you were about to murder someone,” Dan stated.

“I might have if you hadn’t asked for a break. I don’t know how difficult it is to stay in a straight line, but the torchbearers could not stay behind each other. We all know that movement causes the audience to get distracted.”

Dan hummed in agreement. “It takes a lot of power not to fidget, but if they’ve been in previous productions then they should know better.”

“Well enough about them. What did you do after practice yesterday?” Phil asked.

“Ah, I just went home and practised my lines. I’ve found that there aren’t many things to do on the weekdays,” Dan explained.

“How about you and I go to the archery range? I try to practise from time to time, but I'm afraid I'm becoming a bit rusty,” Phil suggested.

“I’m not sure. I’ve barely touched my bow since I finished learning how to shoot,” Dan stated.

“Perfect!” Phil exclaimed. “That means we can be horrible together. Now what's your address? I would feel awful if I didn’t give you a ride.”

Dan was still unsure about going to the range with Phil. If he was being honest, he became quite fond of the eccentric playwright and he wasn’t sure if he could risk it. Phil was clearly not interested in men. It was a sin after all. Dan needed to put a stop to his growing crush on Phil, but he couldn't resist the pleading eyes the other man was sending his way. Sighing in defeat, Dan muttered his address to Phil and, with their plans arranged, Phil skipped off with a grin on his face.

____

When Phil had said he would give Dan a ride, Dan had been expecting a carriage, seeing as he was a famous playwright and could afford one. Instead, he was met with Phil and a single horse. He blinked at the scene in front of him, wondering if he was seeing things properly. There was no way Phil expected him to walk. After all, Phil had specifically offered him a ride.

Dan looked up at Phil with a blank expression and realised the man was talking, “much farther away from the theatre than you. Dan are you listening?”

“Yes, yes, of course.”

“Are you okay? You look a bit dazed.”

“I’m just wondering how I’m getting to the range,” Dan stated.

“Oh, you’ll have to ride behind me. You see my brother is borrowing Dante today so this is our only option,” Phil stated. “Unless you want to walk of course.”

Dan knew that Phil had meant the last part as a joke but he seriously considered it. He didn’t know how well he could handle being so close to Phil, especially with his crush on him. He decided that he couldn’t walk seeing as they were in a crowded city which meant the next range was more than a few miles away. “How do I get on then?” Dan stated as confidently as he could.

“Just stick your foot in the stirrup and hoist yourself up.”

Dan followed his instructions, and got up onto the horse. He tried to distance himself from Phil but it caught the attention of the other man. “What are you doing? You’ll fall off if you don’t hold on,” Phil laughed.

“Sorry,” Dan muttered, putting his arms around Phil’s middle.

Phil dug his heel into the horse’s side and it took off down the streets. Dan gripped onto Phil tighter, and watched as the scenery passed by them. He’d only ridden a horse once when he was younger, so to be high on top of one was quite intimidating. “Are you scared?” Phil shouted back.

“No.”

“Ok, Dan, I believe you, but can you let go a bit? You’re suffocating me.”

Dan blushed in embarrassment, loosening his grip. He didn’t mean to hold on so tight, but the speed of the horse had startled him. “Sorry.”

The rest of their ride proceeded with much less awkwardness, and a comfortable silence encompassed them.

When they arrived at the range there were very few people. It shouldn’t have surprised Dan seeing as it was the middle of the day and most men were at work. They went to find a target to practice on and finally settled on one that was positioned on the outskirts of the range.

Dan watched as Phil set his quiver of arrows down in the grass and fiddled with his bow. “Who’s going first?” Phil asked.

“Definitely you,” Dan answered.

“You’re really going to make me embarrass myself first?”

“I don’t want to be the first one to embarrass themselves.”

“Very well then.”

Phil picked up an arrow and positioned himself in front of the target. He stood for a moment, aiming to the best of his ability, and then he let go. The arrow whizzed across the range and hit the innermost white ring. “I thought you were out of practice!” Dan groaned.

Phil smiled. “I promise it’s just luck. Now it’s your turn.”

Phil stepped away and Dan took his place. He picked a bow out of his quiver and aimed at the target. His hands were shaking, and his pulse was racing so he knew he was going to do horribly. He didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Phil though, so he took a deep breath and hoped for the best before letting the arrow fly. When Dan looked up he saw the arrow lodged into the outermost ring.

Phil chuckled behind him and Dan spun around at him. “You can’t make fun of me. Unlike you, I was telling the truth when I said I was out of practice,” Dan huffed.

“What? Do you need a quick lesson from the master?” Phil cooed.

“I suppose I could use one,” Dan muttered.

When Dan agreed, he thought Phil would show him how to aim and shoot, but instead Phil came up behind him and handed Dan an arrow. He fit his hands over Dan’s and positioned the bow correctly.

Phil’s hands were slightly cold but his body radiated a comforting heat, and Dan felt warmer just from standing by the other man. Dan's heart was beating rapidly and he couldn’t stop thinking about how compromising the position that they were in was.

“Let go,” Phil whispered, breaking him from his thoughts.

Dan let go of the arrow and watched as the arrow launched into the innermost black ring. “See you've got it,” Phil muttered.

Suddenly realising they were still together, Dan blushed and pulled away to face Phil. “I’m still not as good as you are. Besides you did most of the work that time,” Dan huffed.

Phil grinned, “You’ll just have to keep practising.”

Phil picked up his bow again and quickly aimed the arrow at the target. Dan watched as it flew and hit into the yellow circle at the centre of the target. “Bullseye!” Phil exclaimed.

Dan rolled his eyes. His competitive side was finally coming out. “Ok, Philip. Let’s play ten rounds and whoever gets the most points wins.”

“What does the winner get?”

“I suppose the winner can pick a punishment for the loser.”

“It’s on then.”

——

Dan ended up winning. He was surprised he’d beaten Phil and his years of experience, but when he thought about it, Phil had given Dan a lot of tips during their match. Phil had definitely let him win. “Did you let me win?” Dan scoffed.

“Of course not, Daniel. You won fair and square,” Phil laughed. “You just have to believe in yourself.”

Dan still didn’t believe him, but he wasn’t going to question Phil anymore. “Now, since you’ve won, you have to pick a punishment for me.”

Dan thought about it for a second until his stomach grumbled. He assumed Phil could afford much better food than the stale biscuits and bitter coffee Dan had based his diet on. “I suppose you can buy me dinner. I am quite hungry,” Dan suggested.

“That’s not much of a punishment,” Phil commented

“No, but I’m starving right now so I’ll let it slide,” Dan hummed.

“Alright, I suppose I can treat you to dinner. Is there any specific place you’d like to go?” Phil stated, picking up his quiver.

“No, it’s your choice. I don’t eat out much,” Dan said following the other’s lead.

“Ah, are you a chef?”

“I wouldn’t say that, but I can cook a few meals.”

They walked back to their horse where Phil had put her in a stall. Phil led her out and gave her a few sugar cubes before using the stirrups to pull himself up on the horse. Dan followed suit and they were off again, heading back to the city.

——

Dan didn’t think Phil would take him somewhere fancy but, to his surprise, Phil did. There was a musician playing the piano softly on the stage with tables surrounding the raised platform. Candles decorated each table and customers sat in sharp suits and flowing dresses. “I don’t think we’re dressed well enough for this,” Dan whispered to Phil.

“Sure we are,” Phil stated. “Most of these people are on first dates anyway. They want to make a good impression.”

Dan blushed at the thought of it being a date. Sure he might have had a tiny crush on Phil, but nothing would come of that. Maybe if they were born in a more accepting time but in their day it wasn’t going to be accepted anytime soon.

“Right this way, sirs,” a waiter spoke.

Dan followed the man around the outskirts of the table and watched as they sat the menus down at a table. It was a bit secluded from the rest of the tables, and Dan instantly sighed in relief.

Phil sat across from him and picked up one of the menus so Dan copied him. The writing was riddled with flourishes and Dan couldn’t read it very well. His face heated up. He’d had an education, but it wasn’t one of the best. His parents couldn’t afford to send him off to a fancy private school like the other boys his age.

“What do you recommend?” Dan asked Phil.

“I usually get the chicken, but the lamb is also quite good.”

Dan nodded. “Lamb sounds nice.”

“Yes, the chefs here make the best in the city.”

They sat in a comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s company and the soft melody from the piano, until the waiter came back. They placed their orders and at the end Phil spoke up. “Do you drink?”

“Occasionally,” Dan remarked, “but if you're drinking, I’ll drink with you.”

Phil nodded. “We’ll have two glasses of your best wine then.”

——

They might have had more than just a glass each, and maybe Dan was having a hard time controlling his stupid limbs, but that wasn’t anyone else's business was it? He was using all of his energy not to trip, but it was bound to happen. He never drank so he wasn’t surprised that he was such a lightweight. He didn’t regret it though. He’d had a wonderful night, and it was nice to be free from his nerves for once.

Unlike Dan, Phil wasn’t drunk. At least he didn’t seem to be. He’d had a glass more than Dan but he was perfectly composed and Dan wasn’t sure if it was impressive or not.

Phil was leading him out of the restaurant with his hand clasped firmly onto Dan’s shoulder. They made their way to where the horse was being kept in a small set of stables behind the building. A nice man led the horse out, and Dan looked at it warily. “Do you think you can get up?” Phil asked.

Dan's face flushed red. He definitely could not climb the horse drunk. After all, he could barely climb it sober. “If you can't, don’t attempt it. I need my Juliet to have fully functioning limbs for the play.”

“Then I guess I won’t be getting on the horse,” Dan muttered.

“We can walk then,” Phil stated.

“No that isn’t fair. I can walk home from here and you can ride back to your house.”

“You’re far too drunk to walk home alone. You’d definitely get robbed. I’ll walk you home.”

“What about the horse?”

“She’ll follow us.”

Dan nodded and followed Phil down the road. They were only a few blocks from his house so it wouldn’t take long for them to get there, but Dan still felt guilty for making Phil walk.

They chatted about the play, their holiday plans, and a variety of other things. Dan learned more about Phil’s family which was made up of his mother, father, and his brother, Martyn, as well as his sister in law, Cornelia. Phil seemed to have a strong bond with his family, and, unlike Dan’s parents, his seemed to be supportive of his career.

After around ten minutes they finally stopped in front of Dan’s door. Dan blushed thinking about the times he’d been in this position with the girls he’d courted. He remembered his manners and thanked Phil. “Dinner was delicious. I hope we can hang out again sometime soon.”

“It was my pleasure. After all, I lost our bet.”

“I still don’t understand how that happened,” Dan laughed.

“I told you I was a bit rusty.”

“Yes but your first few shots were amazing.”

Phil shrugged. “I guess it was luck.”

There was a lapse in conversation then, and Dan wasn’t intent on leaving Phil just yet. He must have been more drunk than he originally thought because the next thing he knew he was kissing Phil.

Dan pulled away quickly when he realised what he was doing. He was blushing fiercely and he was internally groaning at his stupidity. He’d risked both of their safety and made a fool of himself. He was likely going to get cut from the cast if not worse.

“I’m going to go in now,” Dan muttered. “Goodbye.”

Dan rushed inside and slammed the door leaving Phil to stare blankly at the spot where Dan had disappeared from.

——

When Dad woke up the next morning he had an awful hangover and an even worse memory of the night before. He didn’t feel like getting himself out of bed but he somehow managed to get himself up. He dragged himself to his wardrobe and threw some clothing on before leaving the house and walking to the coffee place he frequented.

When he stepped in the door he immediately shrank into himself. Sitting at one of the tables was Phil with a newspaper in his hand and a cup of coffee in front of him.

Dan almost snuck out of the coffee shop successfully but then Phil made eye contact with him. Dan had no choice but to stay at the shop. He hoped if he acted normal then Phil would forget everything that happened.

He walked toward the counter and ordered a coffee. When it was done he sat at his normal table in the corner of the room. For a few minutes, Dan watched the people passing outside before he heard a chair scrape across from him. “Morning,” Phil stated, sitting down across from Dan.

“Good morning,” Dan muttered.

“Would you like to talk about last night?”

Dan stared at Phil in surprise. He didn’t think Phil was a very blunt person but he guessed there was no beating around the bush when it came to the kiss.

“I want to apologise-" Dan started.

“No I’m not mad.”

“What?”

“I thought you would catch on eventually but I guess you didn’t.”

“What are you saying?”

“I like you Dan. I know it’s wrong but I don’t think you’re going to judge me.”

“I wasn’t expecting this.”

“You are a bit dense.”

“I am not.”

“Ok, Daniel.”

“Can I ask what made you wait?”

“I had to make sure you weren’t a homophobe. After all, we don’t live in the most accepting age.”

Dan nodded. He wasn’t surprised that Phil was hesitant because of the world they lived in. Honestly, this was a fairy tale come true, but then again, there would never be a fairy tale about two men.

“What do you want to do then?” Dan asked.

“Well I think I’d like to take you on a date.”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

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blasphannie · 5 years ago

Note

Phil: *tweets about marriage* Dan, looking at his ringless finger: Am I a joke to you?

dan: so we've been together for 10 years and you haven't proposed yet but then you get an email from a random guy and wanna marry him already?

phil: but his name is lester philips

dan:

phil: it's a fate call

dan: FATE IS NOT REAL!

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dvp95 · 5 years ago

Text

giving you my forever

pairing: dan howell/phil lester rating: teen & up tags: fluff, established relationship, idiots in love, proposal word count: 1.2k summary: Phil gives him a little wave and goes to water their semi-neglected plants. He's wearing glasses and ugly pyjamas, and he looks like the rest of Dan's life.

"Hey," says Dan. "You wanna get married?"

read on ao3 or here!

It's something Dan has been thinking about a lot recently. They've always treated it like the eventuality it is, but their five-year plan, scrawled on a Sword Art Online sticky note after a long plane ride home and kept in a kitchen drawer, is wrapping up and making space for a new one. He's thinking about it even more now, as they round off a decade together and suddenly every day is another reminder of how far they've come.

Ten years. It stretches across a good chunk of Dan's life, over a third of it, really, and it kind of blurs together. He doesn't remember every single moment with crystal clarity, and there were long bouts where nothing felt good at all, not even Phil's hand in his, but he can look back on all of it with the sort of peace that comes from hindsight and knowing what you want.

What Dan wants is another ten years. And then another, and another. He's greedy like that. He wants to keep hitting this milestone over and over again, wants a lifetime of plans with Phil jotted down on sticky notes and celebrated with lazy kisses in the late autumn air.

They've talked about it, but not seriously. It's been passive jokes and soft whispers into each other's hair when they're feeling particularly sappy for so long. There had been so much to do before it, people to confide in, but there's not much left now that they've made such big leaps into a more authentic existence.

Dan is comfortable on their sofa and half watching some interior design show Netflix has been shoving down his throat like it somehow knows about the moving boxes scattered around the flat. When Phil comes in with his little watering can and a soft smile in greeting, Dan feels his heart flip over like it has since he was eighteen and stupid over the first boy who made him feel good about himself. That feeling hasn't diminished, it's only gotten stronger and softer in equal amounts, settled into Dan like something he never knew he'd be allowed to feel. Phil gives him a little wave and goes to water their semi-neglected plants. He's wearing glasses and ugly pyjamas, and he looks like the rest of Dan's life.

"Hey," says Dan. "You wanna get married?"

Phil laughs, quiet and lovely and not at all surprised. "Sure, we can have a party."

"That's not exactly what I asked," Dan notes. He's all too familiar with the way Phil dodges questions he doesn't have an answer for. "But we don't have to, I was just wondering."

"I think it sounds nice," says Phil. He picks up a small cactus to survey it sadly. "Oh, this one might not be salvageable."

"Probably not. So d'you want to get married, or are you just trying not to hurt my feelings?"

With another soft huff of a laugh, Phil sets the cactus and watering can down on the coffee table. He flops onto the sofa mostly on top of Dan, knobby knees and bony elbows all knocking into Dan in a way that ought to be annoying but is, instead, the most endearing thing in the world.

"I think," Phil says, pressing his lips to Dan's fluttering pulse point, "that we've earned making a big deal of it if we'd like to."

"I would like to," says Dan. A smile is tugging at his lips, but he's not giving in yet. He wraps his arms around Phil as best as he can, since neither of them are in properly comfortable positions, and kisses Phil's temple. "I want to be married to you."

"Well, that's a silly thing to want," Phil laughs. "You already are."

"I know it feels like we are, but I just think -"

"No," Phil interrupts before Dan can get a good ramble in, which is rare enough on its own that Dan's words die in his throat. Phil gives him a bemused sort of smile. "You literally already are. Is this a joke, or have you actually forgotten?"

This would be exactly the type of thing that Phil would joke about, his lips twitching and his eyes wide with fake innocence as he tries to convince Dan of something blatantly untrue, but none of his usual tells are there. Instead, Phil just looks like he's torn between offense and a desire to laugh in Dan's face.

"We aren't married," Dan says, slowly.

"We are," says Phil, "and you'd know that if you ever did any of our paperwork."

Dan feels like, maybe, he ought to be more shocked.

"When did this happen?" Is all he's really got. It's not like he can be angry about something he so desperately wants. "Where was I?"

"Couple years back," Phil says, and he giggles into Dan's neck. "You signed the papers, you absolute idiot. Did you not know what we were doing? I asked if you wanted to take the next step."

Dan wracks his mind for that memory. He's signed a lot of shit with Phil at his side, and he can't remember any of it being a marriage certificate. He's about to dismiss this as another over-the-top Phil prank when he gets a sneaking suspicion.

"Babe," he says, pulling back from their weird snuggle so he can give Phil a properly dubious look. "Did you dream this?"

A giggle and a smack to Dan's chest. "No!"

"Where's the license, then?"

"With all our other papers, you want me to prove it?"

"No, Phil," says Dan, "I'm just going to take your word for it that we got married without me noticing."

"I'll show you," Phil grumbles, good-naturedly, and he clambers off of Dan with some more awkward flailing of his long limbs. He hurries down the stairs and Dan's laughter echoes a little bit in the open, nearly empty space.

The interior design show is still playing, but Dan has long lost interest in it. He stands up instead and picks up the watering can, because he knows damn well how unorganized their filing system is, and he might as well keep sustaining their houseplants while Phil gets lost in paperwork. Phil keeps saying he knows where everything goes, but Dan wouldn't be able to find his own birth certificate without help.

It only takes Phil a few minutes, somehow; Dan has really got to pay more attention when Phil is explaining his system. He comes back upstairs empty-handed and sheepish.

"You dreamt it," Dan says flatly.

"I might have dreamt it," Phil agrees.

"You're an idiot."

Phil shrugs. He's grinning and his cheeks are a little pink, his hands moving around in vague, uncertain motions like he doesn't know what to do with them. He's an idiot, but he's Dan's idiot. "Yeah, alright, maybe I am," he laughs. "We probably should get married so I stop committing tax fraud."

Dan cannot tell if that's a joke. He also doesn't really care. He laughs too, loud and grateful and just so unbelievably, deliriously happy that he doesn't know what to do with himself.

"Sure. That's a good reason."

"I mean, it is," says Phil. "I don't want to go to tax jail. And I liked being married to you, when I thought I was."

"Guess we need to start planning shit out, then," Dan says, smiling so wide his cheeks are starting to hurt. He's thinking about that sticky note, the five-year plan, and everything he wants to add to the next one. For now, though, he's going to water the plants so Phil isn't begging him to pack up dead succulents in the next couple of weeks and start to think of a better proposal story to tell his nan.

#words words words #phanfic #phan #dnp fic #phanfiction

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semifunctioningphan · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter One; A day to remember

Chapter One; Dan POV

It was just like every other morning in London. I awoke to the sound of people, buses, and cars passing by his window. I grabbed my phone and looked at the time. It was 9:00 AM and Phil and I had a very important meeting at 10:30.

“Shit!”

I reached to my right side to wake up his new husband Phil who wasn't there. Suddenly he smelled the warm smell of fresh coffee. I quickly hopped out of bed and got dressed, then walked down the hall. At the end of the hall in the kitchen stood Phil in his emoji pajamas. I laughed to myself and wondered if Phil would ever get rid of those things.

“Good morning!” Phil turned around with a smile handing me a coffee in a Hello Kitty mug. I took the mug and started to drink the coffee quickly, it was the only way I could function this early in the morning. Especially after the little sleep I had from the night before of internet shopping and browsing. I smiled at Phil.

“Aren't you going to get dressed? We have to leave by 10:00 and we definitely do not want to be late to this appointment.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Phil replied with a laugh. He quickly kissed me and then walked towards the bathroom to get ready. ‘How did I get so lucky?’ I thought to myself. I sat on the couch and began to scroll through my instagram viewing fan art and comments about mine and Phils very quiet secret wedding we had only discussed after getting married. We announced it on our Stereo podcast even though we had been hinting at it for months. Of course the fans weren't surprised just like they weren't when I had brought out my coming out video. The fans just seemed to have a 6th sense for these sorts of things. After around 30 minutes of scrolling Phil finally emerged from the bathroom showered, dressed, and ready to go.

I got up and grabbed my jacket, keys, phone, wallet, and of course Phils hand and we were headed out the door. What an exciting day that was ahead.

Chapter one ; Phils POV

It was a busy and beautiful warm summer's morning when Dan grabbed my hand and we began our commute to the important meeting. ‘This meeting is going to change our lives’ I thought to myself, so the weather was suiting. My stomach was growling as I did not have any time to eat my morning cereals.

“Dan would you want to go for brunch after this meeting? I am starving..” I asked Dan.

“Ummm yeah definitely. Starbucks?” Dan replied.

“How about somewhere more fancy to celebrate after the meeting. If everything goes well of course.” I was clearly anxious. Dan stopped and wrapped his arms round me just outside of the entrance to the underground.

“Everything is going to be fine.” Dan smiled and gave me a quick peck on the lips before walking down the steps into the underground. ‘Dan was right’ I thought ‘everything was going to be just fine.’ I followed Dan into the underground station.

Chapter one; Dans POV

The ride on the underground was long and hot. It was mid July and the UK had just entered another one of its famous summer time heat waves. I watched Phil as he bobbed his leg up and down. I could see that Phil was visibly anxious so I began to talk to him to try and distract from all the worry.

“So where were you thinking of going for breakfast afterwards?” I asked Phil knowing that food was one of the easiest ways to distract Phil in a time of such panic.

“Somewhere with REALLY good pancakes. I did not have my cereal this morning so I am going to need an extra big breakfast to get me through the rest of my day.” Phil said. I giggled as it was typical for Phil to pick the most sugary food he could think of.

“Haha alright sounds good to me. As long as they have good coffee I am happy” I smiled. After what seemed like an eternity but was probably only 10 minutes the Underground was finally at their stop. I looked at his apple watch. It was 10:10. Which meant we only had 20 minutes to get to the appointment, and we had been advised to get there early. I grabbed Phils hand and made a dash for the escalators back out onto the streets pulling Phil with me. The office we were headed to was only about 10 minutes away so I thought we would be okay to get there for 10 minutes before the meeting to look professional.

Central London was busy which was typical for this time of year. Full of tourists from around the world enjoying all the different attractions London has to offer. The walk there seemed to be like an obstacle course dodging people, cars, buses, and of course pigeons. This clearly did nothing for Phils social anxiety so the faster that I got us to the office building the better, and after dodging several pigeons and ice cream eating tourists Phil and I finally made it to the building with just a little over 10 minutes to spare. We had gotten there earlier than expected.

Chapter one; Phils POV

The entrance to the office building was like a cool cave welcoming Dan and I out from the heated streets of London. The outside of the office building seemed like any other, but the inside was very modern, bright, and colourful. As we approached the receptionist Dan spoke because I was too nervous too and Dan always seemed to know that, even without looking at me.

“Hi, we have an appointment at 10:30. For Daniel Howell and Phil Howell.” Dan's voice seemed to sing at the receptionist. Dan has such a nice voice I thought. It was still exciting to me when I heard Dan say Howell instead of Lester after saying my name.

“Okay…” the recepnist typed into her computer “Yup here you are! If you would like to sit right there, Mrs. Earhart will be with you shortly.” The receptionist pointed to a nice waiting area with comfy looking couches, a TV, and some childrens toys. As we began to walk the short distance to the waiting room my stomach became filled with butterflies. Dan and I had waited months for this appointment and it was finally here. We sat down on one of the couches and I pretended to watch the TV. Dan grabbed on to my hand and squeezed but didn't say anything. Dan was clearly a bit nervous too. This meeting could potentially change their lives.

After what seemed to be the longest 10 minutes of my life, a short lady with long brown hair done up in a ponytail and in a nice pant suit approached Dan and I with a smile.

“Hi you must be Mr and Mr Howell. I am Mrs.Earhart, but you can call me Jane. I believe we have spoken on the phone several times.” She smiled. Jane seemed like a kind lady. The sort you would expect to be working at an adoption agency. She seemed very warm and almost reminded me of Mrs.Honey from Matilda. I smiled back at her and nodded my head.

“Oh yes! I am Dan and this is my husband Phil.” Dan shook Jane's hand.

“Nice to meet you!” I smiled at her again and shook her hand after Dan.

“And you Phil. If you two wouldn't mind following me, the meeting room is just down this corridor and to our left.” She began walking. Dan and I followed her down the hall, I still clutched Dans hand like my life depended on it.

When we walked into the room there were already two people sitting around the small conference table. One was a middle aged woman who was nicely dressed. The other was a heavily pregnant girl, probably around the age of 16 or 17. The middle aged woman stood when Dan and I walked in to shake both our hands. The girl went to stand but the older woman muttered something and she remained seated. The girl had honey blonde hair, greyish blue eyes, and a lovely smile. She smiled at us as we sat across from her in the conference room. Jane began to speak.

“This is Elizabeth and Victoria.” She said signaling to the girl.

“But you can call me Ella.” She smiled and shook both Dan and I hands. Dan and I both smiled at her. She seemed like a wonderful young girl. The mother Victoria smiled and nodded at both Dan and me.

“Elizabeth is 35 weeks preganant. She is also the one who has chosen you two to adopt her child.” Jane smiled at Dan and I.

“Well uh thank you!” I said smiling at Ella.

“Yes, it honestly means the world to us. You have no idea how grateful we are.” Dan said.

“No worries. You two seem like a lovely couple! I have seen a few of your videos on YouTube and that honestly answered my question as to who would be this little one's parents!” She smiled. I looked at Dan who was smiling awkwardly. I blushed.

“Yes,” Victoria said, “She was quite taken by your videos really. She said to me it was like watching an application instead of just reading one.” Victoria replied. Ella blushed.

“Well once again thank you so so much.” Phil replied “It's really a huge deal for us and we promise we will take good care of the child.”

“I would hope so!” Victoria was incredibly snooty. Jane decided to speak up now as she could sense the attitude in Victoria's voice.

“Well with all that being said, what would you like to know Dan and Phil? This is a great time to ask questions about the baby, discuss the birthing plan, and the adoption options.” Dan was the first to say anything.

“Would you like an open or closed adoption? Phil and I have discussed it and we both agreed that we would be happy with either. It's totally up to you.`` Dan spoke to Ella professionally. I nodded my head agreeingly.

“Well,” Victoria spoke up for her daughter, “I have decided it is within Ellas best interest to keep this adoption closed. She is a young girl after all. Only 16. She does not need a child in her life at this early of an age.” I looked to Dan who was nodding along with what Victoria said. Then I looked to Ella who seemed rather upset. Jane spoke once again.

“Perhaps the open or closed adoption thing can be discussed later. For now maybe its best that we discuss any other things like the baby growth and development?” Jane saw that Ella was upset too. After a few more questions and a discussion about the father of the child the meeting seemed to draw to a close. The baby was to be delivered at St Thomas’ Hospital here in London. The due date was August 7th 2021, and Dan and I were to go to the final scan which was next Wednesday at 3:00 PM. After the long discussions some papers were signed, and Dan and I left. This was the beginning of our new life and we were excited.

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fuckheadwitha · 4 years ago

Text

Listening to Rolling Stone's Top 500 Albums of All Time

Rolling Stone released an updated list of their top 500 albums of all time and being trapped in the purgatory of covid quarantine this seems like the perfect moment to tackle what an almost completely irrelevant former counter-culture institution has to say about music (we can’t actually blame Rolling Stone for this list, a huge number of musicians and critics voted to make it). I am going to listen to every single one of these, all the way through, with a level of attention that's not super intense but I'm definitely not having them on in the background as simple aural wallpaper. Two caveats though: I can make an executive decision to skip any album if I feel the experience is sufficiently miserable, and I'm also going to be skipping the compilation albums that I feel aren't really worth slots (best ofs, etc.). In addition, I will be ordering them as I go, creating a top 500 of the top 500 (it will be less than 500 since we've already established I'm skipping some of these).

Here are 500-490:

#500 Arcade Fire - Funeral

I can already tell I'm going to be at odds with this list if one of the most important albums of my high school years is at the bottom. That being said, I haven't actually given this whole thing a listen since probably the early 2010s, before Arcade Fire fatigue set in and the hipsterati appointed band of a generation just kinda seemed to fade from popular consciousness. I actually dreaded re-experiencing it, since the synthesis of anthemic rock and quirky folk instrumentation which Arcade Fire brought mainstream has now become the common shorthand of insufferable spotify friendly folk pop. Blessedly, the first half of the album easily holds up, largely propelled by dirty fast rhythm guitar, orchestration that's tuneful rather than obnoxious, and lyrics which come off as earnest rather than pretentious. The middle gets a little sappy and “Crown of Love”, a song I definitely used to like, really starts the grate. And then we get to “Wake Up”, whose cultural saturation spawned thousands of dorky indie rock outfits that confused layered strings and horns with power and meaning. This song definitely hasn't survived the film trailers and commercials which it so ubiquitously overlayed, but the line about "a million little gods causing rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust" still attacks the part of my brain capable of sincere emotion. This album is probably going to hold the top spot for a while, because although so many elements of Funeral that made it feel so meaningful, that made it stand out so much in 2004, have been seamlessly assimilated into an intellectually and emotionally bankrupt indie pop industrial complex, the album itself still has a genuine vulnerability and bangers that still manage to rip.

#499

Rufus, Chaka Khan - Ask Rufus

Before she became a name in her own right, Chaka Khan was the voice of the band Rufus, and it’s definitely her voice that shines amongst some spritely vibey funk. That’s not to say that these aren’t some jams on their own. “At Midnight” is a banging opener with a sprint to the finish, and although the explicitly named but kinda boring “Slow Screw Against the Wall” feels weak, this wasn’t really supposed to be an album of barn burners. This was something people put on their vinyl record players while they chilled on vinyl furniture after a night of doing cocaine. “Everlasting Love” is a bop with a bassline like a Sega Genesis game, and the twinkling piano on “Hollywood” adds a playful levity to lyrics that are supposed to be both tackily optimistic about making it big out in LA and subtly realistic about the kind of nightmare world showbiz can be. “Better Days” is another track that manages to be a bittersweet jam with a catchy sour saxophone and playful synths under Chaka Khan’s vamping. This album definitely belongs on a ‘chill funk to study and relax to’ playlist.

#498

Suicide - Suicide

We’ve hit the first album that could be rightly called a progenitor for multiple genres that followed it. Someone could say there’s a self-serving element of this being on a Rolling Stone list (the band was one of the first to adopt the label ‘Punk’ after seeing it in a Lester Bangs article) but the album’s legacy is basically indisputable. EBM, industrial, punk, post-punk, new wave, new whatever all have a genealogy that connects to Suicide, and it’s easy to hear the band in everything that followed. But what the band actually is is two guys, one with an electric organ and one with a spooky voice, doing spooky simple riffs and saying spooky simple things. Simplicity is definitely not a dis here. The opener “Ghost Rider” makes a banger out of four notes and one instrument, and the refrain ‘America America is killing its youth’ is really all the lyrical complexity you need to fucking get it. “Cheree” and “Girl” have almost identical lyrics (‘oh baby’ vs ‘oh girl’) but “Cheree” is more like a fairy tale and “Girl” is more like a sonic handjob. “Frankie Teardrop” has the audacity to tell a ten minute story with its lyrics, but of course there is intermittent, actually way too loud screaming breaking up the narrative of a guy who loses everything then kills his family and himself. The song is basically a novelty, and I think you can probably say the whole album is a novelty between its brevity and character. But for a bite sized snack this album casts a huge shadow.

#497

Various Artists - The Indestructible Beat of Soweto

The fact that this particular compilation always ends up in the canon has a lot to do with the cultural context it existed in, being America’s first encounter with South African contemporary music during the decline of apartheid (it wouldn’t end until a decade later in 1994 with the country’s first multi-racial elections). Music journos often bring up the fact Ladysmith Black Mambazo, the all male choir singing on the album ender “Nansi Imali”, sang on Paul Simon’s Graceland like their virtue is they helped Paul Simon get over his depression and not, like, the actual music. But also like, how is the actual music? Jams. Ubiquitous, hooky guitars propel the songs along with bright choruses over low lead vocals, but I didn’t expect the synthesizer on the bop “Qhude Manikiniki”, nor the discordant hoedown violin on “Sobabamba”. “Holotelani” is a groove to walk into the sunset to.

#496

Shakira - Donde Estan los Ladrones

So this is the first head scratcher on the list. It’s not like it sucks. And I think I prefer this 90s guitar pop driven spanish language Shakira to modern superstar Shakira. But I mean, it’s an album of late nineties latin pop minivan music, with a thick syrupy middle that doesn’t do anything for me. The opener and closer stand out though. ‘Ciega, Sordomuda’, one of the biggest pop songs of the 90s (it was #1 on the charts of literally every country in Latin America), has a galloping acoustic guitar and horn hits with Shakira’s vocals at their most percussive.

#495

Boyz II Men - II

So, if you were alive in the 90s you know Boyz II Men were fucking huge, and the worst song on the album is the second track “All Around the World”, basically a love song to their own success, and also the women they’ve banged. You can tell it was written specifically so that the crowd could go fucking wild when they heard their state/city/country mentioned in the song, and I’m not gonna double check but I’m sure they hit all fifty states. Once you’re over that hump though you basically have an hour of songs to fuck to. “U Know” keeps it catchy with propulsive midi guitar and synth horns, “Jezzebel” starts with a skit and ends with a richly layered jazz tune about falling in love on a train, and “On Bended Knee” has a Ragnarok Online type beat. Honestly this album can drag, but you’re not supposed to be listening to it alone in a state of analysis, you’re supposed to have it on during a date that’s going really, really well.

#494

The Ronettes - Presenting the Fabulous Ronettes

A singles compilation of the Ronettes, the only ones I immediately recognized were ‘Be My Baby’ and ‘Going to the Chapel of Love’, the latter of which I didn’t know existed since the version of the song I knew was by the Dixie Cups, which was apparently a source of drama since the Ronettes did it first but producer Phil Spector refused to release it. I feel like as a retro trip to sixties girl groups it’s full of enough songs about breaking up (for example “Breaking Up”) getting back together (for example “Breaking Up”) and wanting to get married but you can’t, because you’re a teenager (“So Young”).

#493

Marvin Gaye - Here, My Dear

This album only exists because Marvin was required by his divorce settlement to make it and provide all of the royalties to his ex-wife and motown executive Anna Gordy Gaye. It’s absolutely bizarre, phoned in mid tempo funk whose lyrics range from the passive aggressive (“This is what you wanted right?”) to the petulant (“Why do I have to pay attorney’s fees?”). There is a seething realness here that crosses well past the border of uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s an amazing album to listen to, but it’s an amazing album to exist: Marvin Gaye is legally obligated to throw his own divorce pity party, and everyone's invited.

#492

Bonnie Raitt - Nick of Time

I have never heard of Bonnie Raitt before but apparently this album won several grammys including album of the year in 1989 and sold 5 million copies, which I guess goes to show that no award provides less long term relevance than the grammys. The story around the album is pretty heartwarming, it was her first massive hit after a career of whiffs, and Bonnie Raitt herself is apparently a social activist and neat human being. I say all this because this sort of 80s country blues rock doesn't really connect with me, but the artist obviously deserves more than that. I unequivocally like the title track though, a hand-clap backed winding electric piano groove about literally finding love before your eggs dry up.

#491

Harry Styles - Fine Line

I do not think I have ever heard a one direction song because I am an adult who only listens to public radio. I’m totally open to pop bands or boy bands or boy band refugee solo artists, but I don’t like anything here. It’s like a mixtape of the worst pop trends of the decade, from glam rock that sounds like it belongs in a car commercial to folky bullshit that sounds like it belongs in a more family focused car commercial. This gets my first DNP (Does Not Place).

#490

Linda Ronstadt - Heart Like a Wheel

Another soft-rock blues and country album which just doesn’t land with me. But the opener “You’re No Good” is like a soul/country hybrid which still goes hard and the title track hits with the lyrics “And it's only love and it's only love / That can wreck a human being and turn him inside out”.

Current Ranking, which is weirdly almost like an inverse of the rolling stones list so far;

#rolling stone #500 greatest albums of all time

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lesbiandanhowell · 10 months ago

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Sam reacts to: What Dan and Phil Text Each Other 2023

WE ARE BACK BITCHES. You all know this is my favourite series they have ever done, it is everything to me and I had given up on getting it, so getting this after the day I have had? EVERYTHING @personthattoleratesme had to witness my breakdowns so this was very needed

- I had to take 5 minutes to recover GUYS MY FAVOURITE SERIES IS BACK!! I am so excited I can't think.

- More house info, I live for any and all house lore and if we get a house tour by every corner being revealed in a different video, good by me!

- THE SHOULDER PAT

- This is just married life reveal, like... they are married I don't know what to tell you. It's not even anything they do, it is an energy and from my dash everyone feels it.

- They got a sponsor for What dan and phil text AND IT IS IS ONLY IN THE US AND CANADA HOW. Capital Lester really be working overtime.

- They really were keeping each other updated when Dan was away, it is adorable. They texted each other about the most mundane things and somehow that means everything to me.

- THREE DAYS WITHOUT A TEXT?! We're they okay? So I think they either face timed rather than text, or they were fighting. Only reasons they wouldn't text for three days.

- "nail my phil" WHAT THE FUCK. I must have heard this wrong

- THE FACT DAN JUST SENDS PHOTOS OF EVERYTHING (He is so me, I am so him, I sent the most random photos of everything.)

- The pictures of Dan in Phil's glasses in the couch room is so fucking soft end me. Like that one photo? It's everything to me and they shared it with us that means even more.

- The fact they asked phils mum is so sweet, like their families really have just become one.

- Phil saying one nipple works for Dan... I have no more words.

- The little show recap Dan gave to Phil awww. I wonder if he did that every show stop!

- Dan feels so young in this video I can't explain.

- New comfort video because I can't stop laughing. It's not hilarious, it is just so endlessly comforting to me that it makes me bone deep happy.

- If this is the texts they show to us what aren't they showing us damn.

- "tweet just for us" something about it is so sweet

- Dan wrote the script I AM SOBBING SOMEHOW. Like this isn't news even but something about Dan being able to write scripts for something again makes me so happy for him.

- Waaait this is the bedroom, the circle painting is the same as in the catboy photo. New house lore!

- Dan is so adhd coded he does not sit still for A SINGLE SECOND. It started to drive me mad and I have adhd but DAN PLEASE STOP MOVING OMFG

- not the fact they went like yes we are frog and rat, as if that isn't the most husband coded thing ever.

- 'we dan and philed it'

- I actually want to sob because of the husband energy of this video fucking hell.

I could not be happier to be back and reacting to their videos. This is the best possible start to 2024 I could have asked for and dreamed of.

#What Dan and Phil Text Each Other 2023 #dan and phil #amazingphil #daniel howell #phil lester #phan #sam reacts

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septic84 · 4 years ago

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Your soul knew it belonged to me. 2.0 END

A03

**Please check out the A03 for a special thank you to the originals of this story, HERE

Chapter 6: The “B” word

Dan didn't see Phil until the following morning when he was struggling to make coffee again. The apartment had never been more threatening than it was right now, and Dan had to bite his lip to keep from crying. He knew this was his fault, and he hated it. Cautiously he approached the kitchen. "I can help you know," "Wouldn't want to inconvenience my flatmate," "Phil, you know that's not, I mean it's not like that."

Phil sighed, "No, course not." He poured the boiling kettle, stirred in the coffee, and leaned against the counter. He refused to meet Dan's eyes. "I can take that out the lounge, if you want to sit, that can't be comfortable," "I'm fine. I told you I didn't want the help before, and you refused to listen." "I know you're hurt from last night; I didn't mean to hurt you." "I know," Phil's tone was cold and clipped." "Phil, I don't know what I can do; what do you want?" "How about an apology? Didn't that ever cross your mind? That's typically what people do when they are shitty and don't mean to be, Dan." Dan's face blazed red; he stared at the floor, and in a voice barely above a whisper, he said, "I'm sorry, Phil. I really am," Phil sighed, his tone softening, "Thank you. Will you please take my coffee to the lounge for me?' Nodding silently, Dan took it and set it down, waited for Phil to sit, and wordlessly went back to his room. He was ashamed, he felt awkward, and he had no idea how to make this better. Surely Phil would want more than some words? He would want noticeably changed behavior too, and Dan wasn't sure he could do that. He didn't know if he would ever indeed be comfortable with "boyfriend." It made him feel such disgust and fear, not because of Phil, though. The reason wasn't ever because of Phil. The reason was because of him. He hated himself so much, especially when he thought about terms that implied he wasn't straight. The strange thing about it is was that as long as he thought of Phil as just that and not a gender, he felt fine. Nothing about them together disgusted him; nothing made him uncomfortable; Dan and Phil together felt right. It was all the other things that had him in a downward spiral.

After an hour or so later, Phil texted Dan. He was famished, and leaning against the counter wasn't a good idea earlier; he was in a lot of pain. Dan emerged, his hair was a mess, his nose and eyes were red and puffy. Phil sighed; he really hadn't meant to hurt Dan. He was just so angry, so hurt himself that he lashed out. Phil was extremely disappointed with himself that he had done that at all, let alone to Dan. "S'okay, what would you like to eat?" "Cereal is fine," Dan reappeared with what was requested, handed it to him slowly, and waited. When Phil said nothing, he asked, "Did you need anything else right now?" "No," Phil set down his bowl, "but I could use some company," It was risky, Phil knew it was, but he couldn't help himself. Dan rubbed the back of his neck, "Ah, yeah, okay. I'm going to get some coffee." Phil was relieved that Dan had not flat out refused, or just ran away. He knew they needed to talk; he also knew right now Dan's nerves were raw. Phil understood how much anxiety went along with their "things," and he knew Dan was struggling. He would have to be patient and slow; he needed to respect Dan's resistance to all of this. Phil knew it wasn't Dan's fault. "Do you want to watch anything in particular? Phil asked as Dan sat back down. "No," "Okay," quietly, they watched a show that neither one of them really was able to pay attention to. It was so tense that Phil could barely stand it; It was about a half-hour later when Phil set his hand on Dan's thigh. Dan looked at it, confused, then back up to Phil. "I forgive you, Dan." "Okay, thanks," "We should talk," "There isn't anything to say that I am sure you haven't already come to a conclusion about on your own," Phil frowned, "I am trying not to assume how you feel, Dan." "Since when?" Dan said, hesitantly, "Sure did last night," Phil sighed, "That's fair. I did do that." "Yeah, you did. And it's not that I don't want to, you know," Dan motioned between them, "be this, us, together. Just to be clear." "Okay," "I just," Dan took a deep breath, "It's just fucking scary, Phil." Phil didn't allow any emotion to pass onto his face, "What about it?" "Everything. Labels, the emotions, you, and me. All of it. I am terrified." Phil grasped his hand, "It's okay to be sacred," "But it's not, look what happened last night. I hurt you, badly but something my body did without my consent, so it isn't okay, is it? I don't know how to control that shit, Phil. Christ, I didn't even really know what happened until you had left," Phil shook his head, "I've figured that out now, I'm sorry, Dan." "Why are you, sorry? I was the once who recoiled at a common word, one that I had already used, that is supposed to bring delight and joy." "I'm sorry that I reacted like that. It wasn't fair of me. I let my own insecurities get the better of me without even a thought to yours. I really should have handled it better; I should have been kinder to you." "Stop fucking doing that! You defend me when I am an asshole all of the time, and I hate it. You don't have to defend what a shit person I am. It's not like I don't know I am an asshole, Phil." "No, you're not! You are fucking scared; you've mentioned it before. I should have been more considerate of your feelings. I should have talked about it with you, you were clearly upset, and I just walked away. I know you aren't out, I know you won't be ready to come out for a long time, if ever. That's okay. I told you before it was. I am not making excuses for myself; I don't have a right to; last night, I was just overly tired and sore, and I reacted like a spoiled brat having a fit. I didn't see it like that at the time, nor this morning, but I do now. I am sorry, I am so sorry that I didn't see through the surface shit to see the war that was raging inside. I didn't see that you are scared and hurting, not ashamed." He smiled, sadly, "Rational minded Phil knows that he just wasn't present until now." "I don't know what to say. You will disagree with everything I do," "It's okay to be mad and hurt by me. I was pretty callous towards you as a friend, let alone anything else." "This is so stupid, in 10 years it won't even matter, so it's fine." "We are not in the future, Dan. It does matter; it matters now. What can I do?" "Hell, I don't even know. I don't know what I even feel. I know last night I was upset, but I was upset because of how hurt you were. I didn't think how you reacted was out of line, honestly. Besides, I don't know what to do myself, let alone know what to tell you to do." "Then, we will figure it out together, yeah?" "Right," "Dan, please be patient with yourself. This is a huge thing; it's harder for you, I know that. I know about your past. Things right now are not ideal, but you are allowed to need time to figure this out." "I hope that's true because I've no idea how long it's going to take me to figure it out." "That's okay, there isn't a time limit on healing, nor is it linear, do this at your own pace," "I am afraid I am going to fuck it up," "How?" "What happens when my pace is too slow?" "I'm not sure what you're asking me?" "For you, I mean," "I guess I haven't made it clear enough. This isn't about me, Dan, it's," "How long will you wait?" Dan blurted out, cutting him off. "Oh Dan," Phil grabbed his hand, "I've been waiting for years already, this isn't a guilt trip, far from it. Have I ever indicated that I wasn't happy being with you? I have been content with the amazing friendship we have built. What makes you think I am not ready to wait years for us to build even more?" "Age, mostly." "I can't imagine a life where you are not in it, please don't worry about that. I am not going anywhere." "Okay," Dan mostly believed him; he still wasn't entirely convinced. "You're just going to have to trust me," "I do trust you; I don't trust me. I know, astoundingly cliché, but it's true." "I trust you," "One of us should," "Is there anything else you want to say?" "God, no, let's end this now. I've already reached my emotional vulnerability quota for the next three weeks," Phil snorted a laugh, "Noted, thank you for opening up." "Yeah, yeah. Can we play Mario cart or something?" "Sure, Dan," Phil knew he needed a distraction to keep the mind demons away, "But don't think I am going to go easy on yah, Danny boy," "Bring it on, Lester. Can't even use your bum leg as an excuse, and you have no others, so prepare to lose." "Yeah, be prepared to eat my shells!"

Phil lost, over and over again, but the happiness returning to Dan's face was worth it. They played for hours, and for the first time in a long time, things felt normal again. "Okay, that's enough, I concede, you win." Dan rolled his eyes, "Obviously," "Dominoes?" "Sure, you're buying." "Yeah, yeah," Phil placed the order while Dan went to shower, leaving Phil alone. He wondered how long it would take for Dan to be comfortable doing couples things, being relaxed about being together, if he'd ever want to get married, and the list went on and on. He meant what he had said about waiting; he would respect Dan every step of the way. It didn't mean that he was 100% okay with it. He would never breathe a word of this to Dan, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't concerned about it. Though he knew that he had no say in how Dan processed this, when he "came out" or any of the following things that went with them, Phil hoped that he would be able to be more supportive in the future. He knew last night's actions could never happen again; it would take him a long time to forgive himself for them. "Phil, I can tell you're in pain. You should just take the meds." Phil sighed, "It's not that bad yet, I'll manage," Dan shrugged, "If you say so," "When do you think we should film a gaming video?" Dan barked out a laugh, "What?" He looked at Phil, "that's what has you so lost in thought over there?" "We still should make videos, Dan. So, when works for you?" "Ah, when you can go upstairs?" "I can now," Dan scoffed, "No." "Okay, dad," "Nope nopity nope nope nope, don't call me dad." "Shut up; you know what I meant. I can make it up those stairs; I'll prove it to you." "You can't be serious," "Watch me," he stumbled up, "Phil!" Dan gently pushed him back down. "It's been a week. You are not supposed to try to walk without the crutch for at least two, and even then, maybe longer." "I think those are suggestions, Dan, not requirements." "I wasn't high out of my mind on pain meds when the doctor was speaking." "Low blow," "Realistic, I am being realistic." Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I don't want you to hurt yourself, Phil," "I won't," "You are so annoying right now, please, just stop. If it's that big of a deal, I'll lug it all down here, and we'll set it on the dining table." "The dining table isn't set up for that, nor is the dining room," Dan squoze his eyes shut, and as calmly as he could, he said, "Please, Phil. Work with me, for fuck sake." Phil looked at Dan regretfully, "You're right, I'm sorry. I just am so useless right now," Dan looked at him and smiled, "You're not, you're injured." "Yeah," "I was serious, though; I will bring it all down if it makes you feel better." "Maybe, we'll see. It's an awful lot of work," "It would be, and it isn't as if they don't know that your ankle is broken, and the gaming room is upstairs." "True." "I know we can't do a gaming video," Phil hesitated a bit, "but what about a joint live show? Are you up for that?" Dan shrugged, "I suppose we could," "I think it may help me focus, you know. Get my head back into it. I want to film a video about the accident." "You mean tonight? Now?" "Why not?" "Right, okay." Dan conceded, at least Phil had given up the idea about going upstairs. "Are you tweeting it, or am I?"

"Hi to Sally, and Tara and Phil's eyelash and Dansfan and Sarah and Hayden and all of you, welcome to the live show," "More like the sofa show, am I right?" Dan added, "What up?" "Several people are asking me to tell the story of my ankle. I am going to film a video about that, so keep an eye out. I will tell you this, and I now have metal in my foot." "Well, it's in your ankle, really." "Close enough. Anyway, look out for that video; it should be a hoot." “A right banger,” Dan winked at the camera.” "What else have we been up to, Dan," "Not much, you have a bum leg, Phil." "Oh, we finished an excellent Anime," "That's true," As the live show continued with the typical banter, Dan noticed that Phil was looking very tired. They had been live for about an hour, so it was time to wrap it up anyway. "Well, Philly, I think it's about that time," "Yeah, I suppose it is. Well, thank you all for coming to the live show! Watch out for a new video, I will see you all very soon," Phil turned to Dan, "Cover the camera," "Rude," "Please?" "Fine, rat," Dan covered it as Phil said, "Goooood-bye," after it disconnected, Phil yawned. "Thanks for doing that with me," "No problem, you okay?" "Yeah, I still feel like this isn't enough," under his the breath, he muttered, "I still think I could make it up those damned stairs."

Sighing, Dan moved closer to Phil, resting his head on his shoulder, "The things I put up with Lester, I swear," "We put up with each other. You don't make it a habit to be easy going either, you know." "Yeah, I suppose that's true. But I have. I never threatened to walk upstairs on a newly broken ankle, either." "You have other things, other emotional things." "Now that's a low blow, you little shit," Dan turned and kissed Phil's cheek. "I call 'em as I see 'em," "Very articulate," "Still true," "You're lucky I love you," Dan whispered in his ear. Phil swallowed hard, "Yeah, I really am," he turned his head, causing Dan to move and brought his hand up to cradle his face, leaning in closer, he paused. "Is this okay?" "Yes," Dan was the first to press his lips into Phil's; the kissing became more passionate, and the entire environment shifted around them. Days of hesitation and the uncomfortable unease melted away as they held each other. Dan's hand tangled into Phil's hair, and Phil's hand loop around Dan's back. Time passed; it could have been seconds or hours; Phil didn't know which, and he didn't care. All that mattered right now was the warmth in his chest and the lips trailing further down his neck. A moan got caught in his throat. "You are so fucking attractive, Phil. And you don't even know it." Dan's hand trailed down his chest, brushing one of his nipples through the fabric. "Shit, Dan," "Sorry, is this okay?" "Yes," Phil's voice was almost a whine, a pled to continue. "Never would have taken you for someone who has sensitive nips," Dan pinched one lightly between his thumb and forefinger. "Ah," Phil squirmed, "Interesting," "Dan, please," "Please, what, please, more?" How could Dan be so brave with this part of it? This was what made Phil the most nervous, well that wasn't necessarily true. It was afterward when there was an opportunity for regret that made him the most unsettled "Yes. No, I don't know," Dan paused and looked up at his face, "You're nervous, why?" "I just don't want to push too far," "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with," Dan dropped his hands. Phil smirked, "Not me, silly, you." "Oh," "Just because we have done stuff before, doesn't mean it's required." "Well, no shit, Phil," "I am just," Phil took a deep breath, trying to ignore the ridiculously hard part of him that wanted to lunge at Dan and start to kiss him again, "Flustered? Wanting? Extremely turned on?" Phil's face blazed an even deeper red, "I'll take that as a yes." Dan brought his hand under Phil's shirt, back to his nipple. "Good, I think I would be offended if you weren't." Dan's lips latched onto his, enticing Phil to moan again. Slowly Dan's hand made it to Phil's waistband. He dipped his finger beneath it, toying with him. Phil pulled out of the kiss panting, trying to catch his breath, "Jesus, Dan, you're so brave today." "I wanted to distract you from your stupid stairs idea," Dan pushed his fingers in further, the tips of them just brushing the start of pubic hair, but the back of his hand came in contact with his cock. "Ah, it seems I am going a good job." Phil hissed with his inhale, "May I?" Dan's hand pulled back, his fingers tugging at the waistline. "Yeah," Phil watched his hands amazed as he lifted his ass. The movement caused his ankle to protest. "Hey, don't move dingus, let me do it, so you don't hurt yourself." "Right, okay." Dan maneuvered him gently and got his sweats and pants down to lower the hip level. Phil caught the expression on Dan's face, and he had to close his eyes, so he didn't cum instantly. "You are so hard; I haven't done anything." "It's just you, god Dan, I try to keep telling you, but you never," Phil stopped short when a moist warmness enveloped him, his eyes shot open, "Oh my god, Dan," Dan pulled up for a second, "Shut up, Phil,"

Dan helped Phil adjust himself, and once they were finished and Phil was resting his head on Dan's chest, listing to the steady gentle thumping in his chest. The stillness, the peace, the safety; that's what Phil loved most about this. Neither one of them had to be anything; there wasn't assigned roles for them to live up to. It was just them like it always had been, and Phil was okay with that. At that moment, Phil's earlier concerns about time faded away. It didn't matter if Dan wasn't even ready to come out, to call him his boyfriend, or even marry him. It didn't what the rest of the world knew, or what Dan wanted to call it, as long as he had these moments, he would be fine. "I love you, Dan." Dan kissed the top of his head, "I know," he held Phil a little tighter, "I love you too."

#phanfiction #thankgoditsdone

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