#phandom fic fests: it hits different fest

[fondeyeslester]

Midnight bus ride

"It’s an eternal moment, where they are young and scared and so fucking in love that it hurts."

It's 2010 and Dan shows up at Phil's door with a suitcase full of laundry and tears in his eyes

words: 1021

This fic was written for the @phandomficfests hits different fest.

Thank you so much to @cellophan for betaing this and for being an amazing support!!

ao3

It’s only a fifteen minute ride to Phil’s flat from his dorm, but Dan didn’t get any sleep last night. The pasta he’d been planning to eat for lunch had gone bad in the fridge and people at the laundromat had been so goddamn weird. Overall, it’s been a shit day. The fluorescent lights of the Manchester streets shine through the bus window. Dan’s eyes are watery from leftover tears and lack of sleep, and the distorted image of the red light in front of him increases his upcoming headache. Things were meant to be getting better, Manchester was supposed to be better. But finding himself surrounded by mysterious washing machines and stressed out students made him feel out of his depth in a completely new way. Maybe it was stupid, he’d been holding onto this idea that once he had escaped Reading, all of his problems would dissolve and life would finally make sense. But there was no escaping his feelings or his fears. Dan had been expecting to move out and create a new version of himself out of thin air, but just a week had been enough for him to realize that it didn’t work like that. It had to though. This had to work: Manchester, uni, Phil - Dan didn’t know what he’d do if it didn’t. Because he couldn’t go back there, he couldn’t look his dad in the eye and tell him he failed. He couldn’t go back to the same friends and the same pain he’d been running away from. Mostly, he couldn’t hide who he was anymore. He hated it there, and he hated himself for craving the familiarity of his mum’s food, and the smell of his old house. He didn’t want to miss his dad or his friends. Dan wanted to move on. He’s a bit more calm when he gets off the bus, not really thinking twice about waking Phil up as he rings. It’s barely midnight - he’ll be up. The door opens to reveal his boyfriend in boxers and a t-shirt, hair a mess. They’re quiet for a moment as they stand by Phil’s door, tiredness making things a little harder to process for the both of them. “Are you moving in?” His voice is thick when he finally speaks, and even if a little confused, his tone is so casual and accepting that Dan wants to burst into tears all over again. “I’ve had a...weird day.” Phil just nods as he steps aside for Dan to come in. He flops onto the couch without saying anything. Exhaustion settles deep in his bones, and maybe he’s a little crazy to think this, but the familiar sight of Phil’s flat makes his headache a little more bearable. His eyes close, and Dan begins to fall asleep right then when a cold hand falls on his thigh. “Wanna tell me what happened?” Phil hands travels up and down Dan’s leg in a sort of awkward but comforting gesture. “I waited for an hour to wash my pants and then a guy stole one a sock, so I just...ran away?” “ So a classic laundromat experience.” “Never going to that place again.” “That’s okay, you can wash here.” “Thanks.” Dan feels a heavy silence in the room, the weight of a weird, complicated week rests on his shoulders. It was hectic and crazy in all the wrong ways, and he feels foolish for expecting anything different from himself. “Hey,” Phil’s soft voice pulls him out of his thoughts. “Hey,” he answers back. And then they kiss. It’s soft and comforting. They kiss tenderly, lovingly. It’s not like most nights they’ve shared, when passion and desperation get the better of them and they let themselves get caught up in pleasure. This time is sweet and meaningful; because the distance between is not what it used to be. Because Dan is in Manchester now, and they can hold each other freely in the small living room of Phil’s new flat. The kiss ends, but they still hold each other close, and Dan doesn’t want to let go. The lights are off, the only noise is coming from the street outside. It’s an eternal moment, where they are young and scared and so fucking in love that it hurts. “Are you missing home?” Phil says it in a whisper, Dan nods, so Phil kisses him again. “I feel like I shouldn’t. I hate it there, I don’t want to go back, but…” “Yeah, I know.” “I’m just so scared of fucking this up.” “It’s a scary thing, but you’ll get used to it, and you’ll make new friends and become a fancy lawyer.” “Ugh, don’t remind me,” Dan says with a smile. “I’m serious, you’ll make this your home.” “Yeah?” Dan chokes out, and he wonders what the hell he did to deserve someone like Phil. “Yeah. And you’re allowed to miss Reading too.” Dan just looks at him, tears have gathered back in his eyes, but this time for a completely different reason. “You okay?” Phil says, worry clear in his voice. “Sorry, I just… fuck. I love you” “I love you too,” he whispers back. They kiss again. And again. They kiss until their lips are sore and their breaths run out. They kiss until they’re too tired to keep going, and then they just hold each other and talk about nonsense, letting time pass. “ Phil?” “Hmm?” “I’m kind of hungry,” “I have some leftover pizza. Choose a movie, yeah?” And so they sit for hours under Phil’s duvet eating way too much pizza and drinking too much coke. They sit together, watching anime until four in the morning. It’s starting to become a ritual for them, one of the many they’ve been building lately. For all of the fears Dan has, for all of the new things that are happening in his life, and everything he wants to leave behind, he knows that right now, next to Phil, he belongs. His suitcase still lays there at their feet, full of dirty clothes, but that’s okay. They’ll wash it in the morning.

[manchestereyes]

i’ll go with you

summary: Dan drops out of uni.

rating: G

word count: 2.7k

warnings: mental breakdown-related angst

a/n: written for the @phandomficfests hits different fest! thank you to alex and alexis for always being the best cheerleaders, and their support of this fic!

Read on ao3 / Retweet

Dan could think of a million things he’d rather be doing tonight. A billion, really.

Truth be told, he’d rather be doing anything than sitting on this mildly uncomfortable black leather couch, surrounded by textbooks thicker than his dad’s dumb head. But he’d done this to himself. And there was no point in getting pissed at that, right?

He stifles a yawn, sighing deeply as he forces his brain to make some sense of whatever the fuck was typed out on the page in front of him. It’s all English so there should be no issues there--except, is it really?

In Hedley Byrne the House emphasised the need for a special relationship between the parties ‘akin’ or ‘equivalent’ to contract, in order to support a torturous --”no, fuck, tortious”--duty of care.

Yeah, this shit is torturous all right.

But you know what’s even more torturous? Failing out of uni and moving back to Wokingham because you’ve got no money. And working with all those assholes from school who never did anything with their lives and being three and a half hours away from Phil, again, for who the fuck knows how long. Maybe even forever.

That’s enough to tear his eyes away from the sharp corner of the table and back to his revision. Yet no matter how many times he tries to drill these ridiculous bank cases into his head, those worries keep pounding louder and louder. What were all these government people doing anyway, suing the banks over some bullshit contracts? Didn’t they have more important things to worry about?

And doesn’t Dan have better things to focus on than Phil’s Spyro nostalgia quest in the lounge around the corner? Come on, focus, you dumb shit.

“Right. So, article twenty three, in paragraph four, of the Clause for..for…” Dan doesn’t notice how hard and fast his breaths are coming until he’s suddenly blanking on what should be a simple concept. It feels like a viper’s wrapped itself around his brain, squeezing tighter and tighter until Dan’s ready to scream.

Whoa. Okay. Hold up. He takes a deep breath, in and out, as slow as his overly tight muscles will allow.

Fine. So this government stuff is bullshit anyway. He can come back to it. With another deep breath, Dan flips to a new page.

Mortgage stuff. Right, well, this should be important for Dan to know in the future. Or it would be, if he could ever afford an actual house. But that’s what he’s going to school for, isn’t it?

Once again, though, he can barely get past the first line. He’s reading, but at the same time...he’s not? Not even muttering to himself can help, as Dan feels as though his chest is being ripped apart with the force of all these horrifying futures playing out before him. He can feel his face heating up too, as he fights to keep his increasingly shallow breaths from disturbing Phil.

What the fuck is wrong with Dan? It’s just a stupid exam, he’s crammed for these a hundred times before! He wants to scream and cry and fling the entire coffee table to the ground all at once, and it takes everything in him to keep his arms and legs from tearing through the air and destroying everything in their path. Including himself.

The Spyro music drifting around the corner shouldn’t even be that loud, yet somehow it’s pounding in Dan’s ears anyway. So he claps his hands on both sides of his head in an attempt to keep himself from exploding, and starts taking some deep breaths again.

It doesn’t work.

Everything in Dan is screaming at him about how much he fucked up, how badly he screwed himself over by once again leaving all his revising to the last possible minute. How he’s screwed his entire life over and somehow, by failing this one exam, he’ll be broke and have nowhere to live and he’ll never be able to do anything with Phil ever again.

It’s just like every other breakdown he’s had over the past year. Dan despises himself for choosing such a difficult course to begin with, and for not having the balls to switch to something easier. But then, all those other courses would come with their own set of challenges, of stressors Dan just won’t be able to face.

Just the thought of hopping on the tram and stepping foot in that school again fills his entire body with ice. And those papers, so full of words he’ll never, ever know and all those lines he’ll never be able to fill with his usual bullshit…

Then, just as Dan’s got a hand in his fringe, ready to pull it all out, something strange settles over him.

He can’t take that test. He just can’t.

And really, he doesn’t have to.

While that second thought feels like the only thing keeping him afloat right now, Dan can’t help but focus on the crushing defeat of the first one. And again, he’s back to that wanting to destroy things feeling.

He’d tried this, for so so long. He told himself he could do it if he just focused a bit more, made up dumb songs and shit to remember everything like he had in secondary school. Phil had said his first year of linguistics was hard as shit, yet he’d forced himself through it and eventually a light had switched on for him, and it wasn’t so impossible.

Where’s Dan’s light now?

What the fuck is wrong with him? Why can’t his brain function like everyone else on his--

Oh fuck.

Dan doesn’t even notice he’s ripped his revision papers apart until he’s blinking down at the two halves in his hands, lips slightly parted and heart still pounding way too hard.

“Dan?” Phil’s face pops up over the couch, the cut off Spyro music leaving a roaring silence in the air. “Revision going alright?”

All Dan can offer in response is a strangled yell.

Phil rushes over, his face caught between a smile and a frown. He settles on the opposite end of the couch, close enough to touch but with his hands clasped tight in his lap.

“Not well then, I take it?”

“I can’t do it,” Dan attempts to sigh, but it comes out more like a wail. “It’s one stupid exam but I can’t fucking do it. I can’t even get to the uni tomorrow. And it’s not like they can make me, either.”

He crosses his arms, each half of the revision papers still balled up in his hands. He’s fully aware how stupid and childish it sounds, but he couldn’t give less of a shit.

Phil inches closer, plucking Dan’s notes from him with all the force of a mother dog pulling her pups from danger. “Well, you’re right,” he says, slowly and carefully. “No one's gonna knock down our door and drag you over there. But are you sure about this, Dan? I don’t want to see you make a decision you’ll regret and anyway, you’ve only got two more years! Trust me when I say I know you can do it.” His hands reach out for Dan but then he seems to think better of it, pulling his knees to his chest instead and settling his chin on his arms.

It would be adorable if Dan wasn’t so tilted right now.

“I’m not going. I can’t. I just...I don’t know how to explain it, but I just can’t. ” He hopes the desperation in his voice is enough to make Phil understand, and back off.

Phil nods a bit then, and something loosens in Dan’s chest.

It’s not much. But right now, it’s enough.

“Okay. I know how hard Law has been for you, I get it. And I hate to say it, but Dan...where we’re at right now, we both kinda need uni degrees. Not that you have to go to a boring law firm after this, because that’s so very not you, but just as something to fall back on, you know?”

Some part of him recognizes Phil’s right, somewhere Dan can barely access. Most of him, though, just wants to throw something again. Or maybe rip his giant textbook apart.

“Well...yeah, maybe, but what if I don’t give a fucking fuck anymore? It’s too much. It’s too hard, and I’m too fucking stupid, and I just...I don’t care! I never fucking did. I don’t know why I picked this course in the first place, I…”

And then Dan starts to cry. Not a little bit, either.

No, these are big, honking sobs that threaten to rip Dan in two just like his revision papers. He reckons he could blow all of Manchester down with the force of his gasps.

Fitting, really, as it feels like Dan’s entire world is crashing down around him, leaving him to sweep up the ashes.

Again.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, a set of arms wrap around Dan’s shoulders, holding him firmly in place as he finds himself sobbing against Phil’s chest. Which of course makes Dan cry harder, if that’s even possible.

Phil doesn’t say a word, just rubs his hand in soothing circles between Dan’s shoulders. It feels to Dan like they stay on that crappy sofa forever but really, it’s only a couple minutes before Dan’s tears slow down, eventually ending in a whimper and some sniffling.

Phil remains silent and steady as ever until Dan’s pulled himself together enough to swipe an arm across his nose and rub perhaps a bit too hard at his eyes.

Dan blinks back up at him, and the hurt reflected in Phil’s round eyes is enough to rip him apart all over again. But Dan just sucks in a shaky breath, somehow holding himself together despite how impossible it feels.

“Hey. It’s okay, you know.” This time, Phil takes Dan’s hands in both of his. And the way he holds them, soft but so so strong at the same time, is enough to stop Dan’s world from spiraling out of his control. Well, mostly.

“It’s okay,” Phil repeats. “I’m really sorry for what I said before. You’re right, you don’t have to do this course, or even uni at all if you don’t want to. It might be scary but we’ll find a way to work it out. I promise.”

Dan can’t stand to see his eyes so wide and scared like this. Yet at the same time, he’s not sure how much he believes Phil.

After a few excruciating moments, he sighs. “It’s alright. I mean, you do have a point. And I really really wish I had it in me, but I dunno. It’s just too much.” He swipes his thumbs across the backs of Phil’s hands even though he can feel himself slipping farther and farther into that dark place that’s just become a part of him these days.

“Dan. Can--can you look at me? Please?”

It takes a few seconds, but eventually Dan’s eyes meet Phil’s. And when they do, Phil meets his gaze with an intensity that pierces deeper than Dan thought was possible.

“You do have it in you. I know you do. If you were able to move all the way up here, and stay here, I know you can finish uni. But clearly, law isn’t for you and that’s okay.”

“Is it, though?” Dan hates the whine that bleeds through his tone. If only his dumb brain could shut up for just one second and believe Phil….

Maybe if they were in different circumstances. Maybe if the idea of returning home wasn’t worse than death...if people hadn’t told him all his life that who he was and what he wanted were so, so wrong...if he and Phil had just a bit more money…

“It really is,” Phil reassures, his grin shaky but still there. “You know, I think it’s actually a good thing that you’re figuring this out now and not five or ten or twenty years down the road when you’ve been stuck doing lawyer-y stuff for so long that you don’t even realize how unhappy you are. And hey, at least we get to spend more time together? If--if you want, of course…”

“Phil. I may be feeling like complete shit but of course I wanna spend more time with you, you nutcase. I can’t--I didn’t even think of that.” Really, how the hell does Phil stay this positive, this hopeful, always? It’s so foreign to Dan.

He does appreciate the fuck out of it, though. He needs that.

He doesn’t know how much he needs the warmth from Phil’s giant smile, either, until it’s breaking through his icy shell, protecting him just like the arms that are once again holding him tight against Phil’s chest.

There’s a part of Dan that still feels broken, of course. He can’t see that changing, unless some miracle happens and they become millionaires overnight and he no longer has to face the nightmare of Wokingham. But the way Phil’s holding him, like he’d shield Dan from the entire universe if he could, is enough to send something warm and cozy and...calm settling over his shoulders.

And maybe Dan can find it in himself to believe Phil after all. Just a little.

They stay like that for a while, Phil’s warm steady breaths providing a desperately needed sense of stability, until Phil finally murmurs once more that it’ll all be okay and they’ll find a way through this. Then he pulls away with a start, leaving Dan’s side cold where their bodies were pressed together. Dan doesn’t have the energy to reach out for him again, so his hands drop pathetically to the sofa.

“You know what’ll make this better?” Phil apparently chooses not to wait for an answer, as he’s already getting up when he bursts out, “Chocolate! I, er, may have gotten you something special for tomorrow but I think we could both use it now, yeah?”

Still curled up in himself, Dan sighs. He can’t help feeling a bit abandoned, as ridiculous as that sounds. But he can’t trust himself alone with his brain right now.

Blessedly, Phil returns less than a minute later with a huge box of gourmet chocolate, just like the ones Dan always gets his mum for Mother’s Day. He slots himself in right up against Dan, fighting the wrapping for a bit until he finally plucks the first chocolate from the box and hands it to Dan.

“Eat this. It’ll help.”

Generous as the gesture is, Dan still can’t find it in his heart to fully believe him. He takes the sweet with shaky fingers anyway, though.

And Phil’s right. That silky sweetness must have magical powers or something because holy fuck is that good. Better than Dan deserves.

He goes in for two more anyway. Because, well, fuck it, right?

That zombie-like state follows him around for the next few weeks, Dan hardly doing much of anything and barely registering the few things he is doing. He knows he’ll have to tell the internet at some point, but he just can’t yet. So he buries himself in the SuperAmazingProject and in his own channel, doing everything he can to chase away that darkness and the pressing guilt that comes with it.

And then a miracle does come around a few weeks later, in the form of an email and later a call from the BBC. It’s not a permanent fix, but it’s enough to pull them through the rest of this year, and next year too. But best of all, Phil helps him realize, it’s a start.

Even when tragedy strikes again a couple days later, and Phil’s the one to retreat into himself while Dan fights the flames for both of them, he starts to believe what Phil said in August might just be true.

They may not know exactly what they want to do with this new life of theirs, but having an in with actual Radio 1 is invaluable. And if they do well with this show (which Phil assures him they will), Dan might not have to return to uni next year like he thought he would.

Maybe he did make the right decision after all. He can only hope that, unlike his nightmares, it doesn’t blow up in his face.

[madzilla84]

fic: we go together

Rating: G

Word count: 3k

Summary: He could already picture it in his head - amazing food, white sand, blue skies, warm sea, the sun on his skin - and Dan thousands of miles away. The thought made his stomach twist unpleasantly.

A story about when Phil was invited to Jamaica in 2010, written for the @phandomficfests Hits Different fest. Huge thanks to @calvinahobbes for betaing! 

read on ao3

[phanfeed-ao3]

Midnight bus ride

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2Po6NX4

by Fondeyeslester

"It’s an eternal moment, where they are young and scared and so fucking in love that it hurts."

It's 2010 and Dan shows up at Phil's door with a suitcase full of laundry and tears in his eyes

Words: 1021, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Characters: Dan Howell, Phil Lester

Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

Additional Tags: Introspection, 2010 Era (Phandom), 2010 Phan, Established Relationship, phandom fic fests: hits different, it hits different, Fluff, Light Angst

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2Po6NX4

[maybeformepersonally]

Fic: Fragile Tension

Title: Fragile Tension Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: PG-13 / Teen and Up for implied, barely-there violence Summary: Phil’s family deals in espionage, which was working out just fine until he decided to shack up with a civilian.  Word Count: 4142 Author’s Note: Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Bingo, for the square “Spies”. The title is a reference to the song by Depeche Mode. Read on AO3

Phil was terrified. He and Dan had been enjoying an early night in when the lights went out. Phil’s internal alarms immediately went haywire. It could just be a power out… except that when he leaned back to look through the doorway and into the hall, and past that to the sitting room, he could glimpse through the far left sitting room window that the neighbours seemed to have no such issues. It could be a problem with the wiring, or even in the supply company… except that Phil had people whose jobs were to prevent such inconveniences in his day-to-day life, and he’d had professionals scope out this house before he and Dan moved in. The house had state of the art security, some of which wasn’t available to the public yet, so it was highly unlikely that someone had tampered with it by mistake, and the people who would have the skills to tamper with it on purpose… Phil was understandably concerned.

He’d immediately tried sending a distress signal to both Martyn and Corn as soon as he scoped their surroundings to find them as empty as they’d been before the lights went out. He didn’t want to think about how he might need backup, but he was no fool. He wasn’t jeopardising Dan’s life for anything, least of all his professional pride. He had no signal. He knew what he’d find but he tried Dan’s phone anyway. No signal. There was no way this was an accident. Fuck.

Dan had wanted to go to the garage by himself to check on the fuse box and that’s when Phil started to panic. In a cold and calculated way that only really came out when he was working, but still. Panic. Of course, he didn’t normally have his civilian husband-to-be with him on the job. Phil was wishing he hadn’t insisted on having this date night tonight, if only he’d been alone at home when whatever this was happened, with Dan safely out of the way of harm…

 Phil insisted they should stay together, so they should both go. Dan looked dubious, but Phil could see he was afraid too. Phil let some of his panic show and Dan caved immediately. He probably didn’t want to be alone either, though for different reasons than Phil. They moved slowly and silently through the house, Phil discreetly taking a couple of things on the way that he could use as weapons. He had switched to on-the-job mode automatically, so he didn’t realise, wouldn't realise until later, that most civilians wouldn’t be able to match him on stealth at a moment’s notice while sneaking through an almost completely dark house (even if it was your own house).

 Who would send people to get him in his home?, thought Phil furiously as he moved through the main hall and into the next room. ‘A lot of people’ was sadly the answer, if only they knew where to send them. Fuck, if something happened to Dan because of him… this is exactly why he’d resigned himself to staying single way back when he’d got heavily involved in the lifestyle. That resolution had lasted an embarrassingly short time as soon as Dan came into the picture, though at least Phil could say he’d lasted a full twelve years with nothing but one-night-stands and short dalliances before that happened. As soon as he met Dan, however, it had gone flying out the window. For all his resolve, Phil had been smitten from day one.

 Martyn had run so many background checks, even once it became painfully clear that Dan was squeaky clean, that Phil had stopped trying to dissuade him after a while. Better to let him get it out of his system, it’s not like the results would change if Martyn kept it going. Eventually he’d calmed down and started to get to know Dan beyond Phil’s reassurances that no, Martyn, he’s not a honey trap, he’s not a plant, he’s not a mole, he’s just a bloke I fell in love with, okay? Can you give him a chance, at least? Your checks keep coming up empty, and we both know how good you are at what you do. I also know you got the best of the best confirming your results. It’s not his fault our family is so dysfunctional, okay, and I really like him.

 It hadn’t taken Martyn too long to warm up to him once he admitted Dan was a civilian and agreed to give him a chance, thankfully. Phil didn’t like to think about his relationship with his brother during those early days before he did. Those were dark days.

 It had taken weeks of Martyn coming up with nothing, the first and only screaming match he’d had with Martyn, and Cornelia’s interference to wear him down.

 ***

“I’m just worried about you,” the desperation in Martyn’s voice was almost enough to make Phil hesitate. Almost.

 “I know you mean well, but you’re being irrational.”

 “You’re my baby brother!”

 “I’m 31 years old, Mar. I can take care of myself. I have a triple digit kill count, for fuck’s sake.”

 “And an almost non-existent relationship history,” Martyn cut in, relentless.

 Phil winced, but he was done indulging Martyn’s overprotective act.

 “Don’t you dare. I have more successful missions that most operatives twice my age. Just because I don’t date often doesn’t mean I’m helpless.”

 “I’m- I’ve just never seen you take a risk like this. No one is this clean, Phil, it reeks of a cover-up. And I’ve never seen you this… taken with someone before. I just want to make sure, okay? Can’t you stay away from him until then?”

 Phil sighed. He was tired of fighting with his brother. They’ve always been close, it was awful being at odds with him like this. He could understand Martyn’s initial mistrust, but at this point he was being unreasonable. If Martyn of all people hadn’t found anything incriminating yet then it was almost impossible that there was anything to be found.

 “Mar, you’ve been investigating him for weeks now. There’s nothing there. And I do know how to take care of myself, you know, I can defend myself if it comes to that. Not that I believe it will-“

 “In a physical fight against an opponent, yeah. But what if he makes you fall for him and you can’t bring yourself to hurt him-“

 “You’ve been with Corn for over seven years now,” Phil’s voice was uncharacteristically cutting, but he was tired of this.

 “We knew she was safe!” Martyn immediately counters. Cornelia doesn’t say anything.

 “Mum and Dad are good, but they’re not infallible. She could have been a plant.”

 “She’s not-!”

 Phil rolled his eyes, trust Mar to completely miss the point as soon as Phil brought up Corn. “Obviously she wasn’t! What I’m saying is: you took a chance! Why should I not get the same leeway? Why can’t I take a chance? It’s a good chance. Odds are pretty good what with your extensive research on him. You know I’m right!”

 Martyn hadn’t budged then, but Phil knew from his pained expression that he had got through to him.

 It’d take another week and a half of Martyn calling in every favour he could think of and several other professionals looking into it before he caved and agreed to give Dan a chance.

***  

Now, Phil focused on the very real, very present threat to his fiancé’s life and wished he could have his big brother’s overprotective vigilance looking over both of them.

 By the time they crossed the three rooms between them and the room that led to the garage door, Phil was so on edge he’d swear the fear was a physical presence on the back of his head. Fuck, he’d have to kill in front of Dan. Soft, sweet, wonderful Dan who insisted that Phil catch bugs to release them outside instead of killing them, even the ones he was terrified of. Dan, who had slid into his life, and his heart, and his home, with his bright dimpled smile and his gentle heart, bypassing Phil’s qualms and concerns and better judgement like it was nothing.

 What would Dan even think…?

 Creak. Click. Thud.

 He didn’t get to find out what Dan would think because Dan had shoved him safely out of the way around the corner and thrown himself at the thicker shadows at the end of the hall and what the hell, Phil rolled and moved towards the scuffle, heart stuck in his throat, just in time to find several dark shapes on the floor, unmoving, and four more shapes fighting viciously in his parlour. Three of them had guns. Dan didn’t. In the half a second it took him to assess the situation, Dan had hit one of his assailants in the throat, jumped to execute a flawless thigh choke on another and stabbed the third one on his way down, landing on his feet as the three masked men fell to the floor.

 Phil just stood there, in shock.

 Dan wasn’t even out of breath.

 “Phil?” Dan whispered, looking at him, behind him, scoping the vicinity for more threats. He had a butterfly knife on his hand, how had Phil missed that? When did he get it?

 Dan turned to get a 360° look around, giving Phil a blurry look of his broad, lovely back, that back that Phil kissed whenever they cuddled with Dan as the little spoon, sprawled soft and warm and boneless in Phil’s arms; where Phil loved to bury his face first thing in the morning, before he has his first coffee, or any time he walked into the kitchen to find Dan cooking for him, for them, and he couldn’t resist wrapping his arms around his chest and burying his face at the back of his neck, breathing in Dan’s scent and squeezing him against himself. And suddenly, all Phil could think of was Martyn’s warnings, Martyn’s questions, Martyn’s worries, what do you even know about him? Did you tell him anything about our work? Don’t you think it’s suspicious he shows up when we’re pulling probably the biggest mission we’ve even been involved in and just conveniently asks you out?

 Dan turns on the light, the little click of the light switch superimposed with the click of Phil taking off the safety on his gun.

 ***

 He can see Dan freeze for a moment, then turn around to look at him.

 Phil’s face is completely blank. He’s worked very hard to perfect that blank look.

 A near imperceptible sound to his right calls his attention, but he doesn’t take his eyes off Dan’s wide, startled ones as he moves his hand and shoots the remaining assailants before they can creep in on them. He’s pointing the gun back at Dan in two seconds flat, long enough for him to make a move, Phil knows now, but Dan doesn’t. Dan is still completely frozen, staring Phil down.

 Phil doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know if he could even shoot him, even if it turns out Martyn was right about him all along, but Dan takes the decision off his hands when he deflates and moves back against the wall, one step away from Phil, and slowly extends his arm to drop the knife he’s been holding on top of the decorative vanity desk there. They’d had an ‘argument’ about it. Dan had seen it and immediately wanted it and Phil had said it was too expensive and completely useless, it wasn’t even big enough to store things in. He’d caved, of course. He’d wanted to buy Dan all the useless, expensive things he craved, had wanted to spoil him.

 “Okay,” his voice is a whisper still, but Phil can hear it tremble despite the volume. “Do it.”

 Phil doesn’t talk, doesn’t know what to say, what to do. He just stares blankly at the man he’d sworn to love and protect and cherish as he points his gun straight to his head.

 “Get it over with. I don’t want to know. If it wasn’t real… I don’t want to know.”

 Dan’s expression felt like a physical kick in the gut. Phil knew those eyes, knew what Dan looked like when he was trying, desperately, to hold back tears. He’d seen him look sick, look scared, look exhausted, but he’d never seen him look shattered before.

 Phil never really stood a chance.

 *** 

After Phil puts the gun down, his senses going full-on hyperactive work-mode and assuring him there’s no other threats lurking around, just Dan. Just Dan. Something in Phil breaks, something like his composure, maybe, or possibly his heart, and he has to exercise all of his hard-earned discipline not to burst out crying where he stands.

 He’s clutching Dan in his arms in the next second, holding him tighter than is probably comfortable, but he knows Dan doesn’t mind by the way he melts into him, and damn it, if he really is a plant then Martyn was right because Phil already knows he’s going to let Dan kill him if he tries.

 “I can’t. But I need… I need to know. It wasn’t- it was real, for me. It was real.”

 “Me too. It’s real for me too, Phil, I love you-“

 “Tell me. Everything.”

 “Okay,” Dan is clearly trying to pull himself together, and Phil is distantly impressed because all he wants to do right now is sink into Dan’s chest and not move for the next few hours. “But we need to go. Now.” Phil made a noise of protest, he didn’t want to let go of Dan, but then Dan let out a shaky breath and said, “There might be more coming, or outside, they could call reinforcements-”

 “You're right.” Phil acquiesced. He still took a few long seconds to disentangle himself. At least Dan seemed just as reluctant to let him go.

 “Phil-” Dan interrupted himself and made a face as a thought occurred to him. “Oh god, is that even your name?”

 “No, my real name is Kyle,” Phil intones with a terrible American accent. He might be having some kind of mental breakdown.

 Dan stared back at him with a blank expression that told him he was aggressively suppressing some kind of reaction, and the visual was so familiar it eased something in him and that coupled with the relief of the adrenaline of the last few minutes, made him burst out laughing. He sounded hysterical. He probably looked insane.

 “Yes, my name is Phil what the hell, Dan?”

 “Oh.”

 “Is your name not-?”

 “No, of course it is.”

 They stared at each other some more, until Dan grabbed his hand and moved them to the garage.

 Phil tried not to startle too badly when Dan picked up some hitherto hidden weapons on the way, and instead busied himself with doing the same.

 ***

 After a few minutes of riding in silence, Dan was the first to break.

 Phil knew he would, he could see his agitation growing. Phil was still too busy processing his new reality.

 “You almost fell flat on your face when we first met!” Dan demanded out of nowhere, bewildered. He was driving them away from the house, but his focus was understandably mostly on Phil and the revelations of the last few minutes.

 “I was nervous! You’re very attractive!” Phil defended himself, and the domesticity of it felt like a balm to his metaphorical open wounds. They sounded exactly like this when they disagreed about what painting would look best in the master bedroom, back when they had just moved in together.

 Dan shot him an utterly disbelieving look, mouth open and eyes squinting, and Phil felt he had been entirely justified, because if his boyfriend could look this attractive when he was pulling that face and immediately after rocking the foundations of Phil’s world, then no warm-blooded male-attracted person could be expected to function normally when faced with peak Summer Dan in his white skin tight tank top and his taut black tracksuit trousers which exposed his delicate ankles and hugged his thighs just so, and his silver hoop earring and his luxurious mane of wild chocolate brown curls and he was only human, okay? And gay. Very human and very gay. Phil maintained that he’d done well, considering.

 ***

 Almost exactly one year later, on a joint mission (and they only pull joint missions by then, they will not agree to be away from each other unless absolutely necessary), Dan is seething with jealousy watching his husband seduce some poor schmuck.

 He is also very turned on. It only makes him angrier.

 “You never did that with me,” Dan comments later, once they're out, mission completed and objectives met, when Phil is sprawled out comfortably next to him in the enormous plush red sofa at the hotel room where they’ll be spending the night, before going home. He's been looking at something in his phone for a couple minutes now.

 “What?” his husband asks, distracted.

 “You never pulled those honey trap skills of yours on me.”

 Not even in the early days. Granted, the initial impression Phil had left on him when he slipped into Dan’s life - literally - rather clashed with the suave worldly seductress he'd just watched Phil put on and then off like a second skin. But Dan had seen enough to know… Phil was good, exceptional even, and he could have made it work with a few adjustments.

 But now, Phil is sputtering at him, visibly offended for some reason that escapes Dan. He’s so expressive; Dan’s always loved that about him.

 “Of course not!”

 A little frown finds its way to Dan's brow without his permission. “Why not?”

 Phil just makes a high, distressed noise and a lot of hand motions for several seconds. Dan stares at him appreciatively. His quiff is still damp from his shower and drooping a bit, and he’s clad in nothing but the two large fluffy white hotel towels. He’s ridiculous. Dan loves him.

 “Because!” Phil manages to sputter out eventually.

 “Because what?” Dan asks, at a loss. He can tell Phil is genuinely mildly upset about whatever it is, but he can't figure out what it is.

 “Because!” Phil repeats, “You weren't a mark!”

 “...I mean, yeah.” They'd talked about this. Extensively right after the revelation of their secret identities came out. “But,” here Dan hesitates, but he knows they need to talk about it.

 “But you liked me. Really liked me, you said. You told me you thought I was gorgeous. That you were so mesmerized that you walked into that potted plant…?”

 He greedily took in Phil’s blushing face and spared a little amused smile at the knowledge that even after all this time, after everything they’ve been through together, he could still make Phil this flustered.

 Phil sighs. “I did.” It's said quietly but firmly. The words hold a conviction that soothes into Dan's bones like warm cocoa on a winter night.

 “Fuck, Dan, I walked into a fucking potted plant because I was so entranced with you I wasn’t watching where I was walking. I'm a trained psy ops agent.”

 Dan couldn't help the little smirk at that, nor the warm glow spreading over his chest.

 “But you were- I liked you! I mean, I liked you. I wanted… I wanted you. For the first time in a while, I wanted something for myself.” Dan can see him sink back into the seat with a long exhale, and he takes the hand extended to him and lets Phil pull him next to him. “I didn't want to… to approach you like a mark. I didn't want to entice you with some made up persona. I wanted to get to know you. As myself.” He takes another deep breath. “I wanted you to get to know me. And to like me.”

 “Oh.” Dan’s response is small. He stays quiet for a while after that, digesting the revelation, his fingers trailing up and down Phil’s arm absent-mindedly.

 “…Phil?” Dan breaks the silence after a few minutes.

 “Yeah.”

 “We're going to roleplay that though, right?”

 Phil laughs good-naturedly.

 “You will be the irresistible honey trap and I can be the hapless mark, who's hopeless before your worldly charms…”

 “Okay, okay,” he's still laughing.

 “And I can be properly enchanted and-”

 “You won’t be, though, you’ve been with me for over two years now.”

 “…whatever makes you think that knowing what you can do in bed will make me less likely to fall to my knees in worship?

 “Shut up.”

 Dan wasn’t deterred by the words, as Phil was giggling as he said them, and he could read the grin on his face. That was his self-satisfied, proud grin, the one that was almost a smirk. The one he got when someone tried to flirt with him in front of Dan and Dan got possessive. The one he got when Dan got more needy and whiny than usual and he not-so-secretly loved it.

 Yeah, Dan was going to be crossing off another fantasy from his bucket list soon.

 Phil pulled him closer by his shirt to kiss the obnoxious grin off his face, and Dan knew he’d won.

 ***

 Phil would have nightmares about the night when everything came out for the rest of his life. Sometimes it just plays out like it did in reality. Sometimes it’d be different in some way. The worst one is the one where he presses the trigger. Sometimes Dan screams at him, tells him he doesn’t love him, tells him he never did, that he was a job, that he’s glad it’s over. He doesn’t mind that one so much. In others, Dan tells him he used to love him, so much, but he can never trust Phil again (“You broke my heart. Might as well kill me. You’ve already killed us”). In some of them, Martyn shows up and it’s him that shoots Dan (this is the one that’s guaranteed to make him wake up shaking, because it’s always so real, and it could have so easily been true).

 He’ll have these nightmares for the rest of his life and every time it happens, when he wakes up in a cold sweat, or when he’s woken up by the tears that start falling from the corners of his eyes, when he wakes up shaking, feeling like his stomach’s dropped or like there’s an alarming tightness in his chest, every time it happens, every single time, he’ll wake up and reach for his husband lying next to him, in their bed, and he’ll bury his face in Dan’s chest, or Dan’s neck, or Dan’s gorgeous brown curls, and he’ll let himself cry for a bit until he’s calmed down enough to go back to sleep or to get up and face the day. Dan almost always wakes up, and he often holds him close and rubs his back or his sides comfortingly while Phil tries to calm down. He always whispers soft encouragement and gentle assurances, ‘I love you so much’s and ‘shh, it’s okay’s and ‘I’ve got you, I’m here’s. And every single time it happens, Phil will be desperately, unspeakably grateful.

 Grateful that he gets to have this, that he got to keep this. That he didn’t completely fuck it up. That Dan’s here still, by his side, in his arms, in their bed, safe and warm and alive and still every bit in love with Phil as they were back when they decided to move in together, as they were in their first anniversary, as they still were, despite everything, that day when Phil confronted Dan with a gun in his hands and other weapons hidden on his body as backup, in the hall of the home they built together. He’ll cry and he’ll hold Dan tight and he’ll be grateful.

 He’ll be grateful for Dan, who he met, improbably, by sheer luck, and was immediately enamoured with despite knowing next to nothing about him, all those years ago. Dan, who even more improbably seemed just as enamoured with Phil’s awkward charm and general weirdness, and even asked him to go on a date with him. Dan, who’d always been there for him, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, as the minister said at their wedding.

 Most of all, he’d feel grateful for Dan’s incredible courage. He’ll be grateful that Dan was so brave when Phil couldn’t gather enough courage or faith or optimism to trust Dan first. And he’ll remember what Dan told him that first time Phil opened up about the nightmares and told him all this.

 Dan said, “I’ll always be there so you don’t have to be brave.”

[olivethehobbit]

Rating: Teen and Up

Relationship: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

Summary:            

Dan and Phil make a baby, but not exactly how they expected to.

Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Flash Fest: Trope Subversion

(gifting it to @alittledizzy and @queerofcups cause their work in the @phandomficfests inspired me to it all)

Dan woke up because of vomiting.

But not because of his vomiting, which made him sort of disappointed, in those first few seconds.

You may ask 'why the hell would he want to be sick?'.

Well, my friend, the thing was that Dan was trying to get pregnant.

They were 27 and 31 and it felt right. Their life was stable now, his mental health was better, they had good jobs, a good apartment, and they were more than excited to join the sweet and sour adventures of parenthood.

Except, making a baby was taking a bit of time.

Dan still hadn't had a heat since he stopped his birth control and heat suppressants, and he knew it took some time for his system to go back to normal.

But it was taking too long!

They were still having sex regularly, even though he knew it was difficult to get pregnant without a heat.

Difficult, but not impossible, something he would realize soon.

His brain stopped screaming about how useless, he was as an omega and he was finally able to ran into Phil, that was expelling their last night's takeaway on the toilet.

He sat on his thighs and pawed his mate's back.

"Are you okay babe?"

Phil puked for a few more seconds before nodding and getting up.

He rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth, and then turned to Dan.

He was different now. Older. But beautiful as hell.

His hair was now pushed back as a gorgeous quiff, he was way more confident with himself and had a big role in a famous movie producer.

Dan was also different. Curly short hair, taller and stronger, also confident. An actor on Phil's producer.

If they looked at each other back then, two skinny boys in the beginning of their lives, but already together? It was a cute idea.

And now, they were going to have a baby.

When Dan's body started to work, obviously...

"Do you think I should go see a doctor?" Phil asked, a few moments later, pulling Dan back to reality. "I mean, it's been three days."

Yeah. Phil's nausea was pretty bad. See, with the whole lactose-intolerance-and-motion-sickness problems, Phil feeling nauseated, or throwing up was not something that demanded immediate medical assistance.

But the sickness had been there for three days. Going away and coming back, generally in the morning.

Dan was worried.

They cancelled the plans for the day and went to the hospital.

There was a nice NHS hospital next to their house that realized almost all of the exams needed in the same place.

So, they saw a doctor and Phil talked a bit about his nausea, and soon enough he was sent to take blood and make some ultrasounds.

Generally, Phil would hate coming to a hospital. He always had that silly idea that he was never ill enough to see a doctor, and that his huge backpack of medicine and google could cure any problem.

So, it was something impressive for Dan that he decided to come.

It made Dan think that it should be something serious which made him chew his nails for the whole waiting time between exams and diagnosis.

Phil was called into the doctor's office when Dan had almost chewed his thumb off.

Phil took some saline solution for dehydration, and now was looking less pale.

They sat together and Phil answered to a few questions from his doctor.

The first ones were normal. What usually made Phil nauseous, what had he eaten, what were his normal alimentation habits.

"Nowadays I'm eating way healthier. We're trying to conceive." Phil smiled.

The doctor then checked the exams.The weird questions began.

"When have you been signed as beta?"

"Uh... 16 I guess. The same age my brother were."

"And you never showed any... Weird sign before? Any hot flushes or abdominal pains?"

"Uh... No... Why?"

The doctor ignored Phil and asked again.

"You said you two are trying to conceive, have you two... Hmm... 'Switched places' in any of those times?"

It made Phil get completely blushed. Dan answered then.

"Yes, we did." Cause they had. It gets tiring to do things in a single way. They were always somewhat flexible. "But... Why is this relevant?"

The doctor looked at them, dead serious.

"Cause your case came here today as a beta with gastrointestinal pain, but by the exams, you're an omega with a gestational sac of 5 weeks."

There was silence in the room.

Dan really thought for a moment that, somehow, it was about Dan. Maybe the tests were somehow exchanged?

But it made no sense! Dan had not taken blood there, or an ultrasound... He was not pregnant.

Phil... Phil was.

It made them spend 5 more hours in the hospital. But it was true.

Phil was not the beta he always thought he was. He was an omega.

An omega that really never had presented or showed any sign of heats.

That was something that could happen, they explained.

Their society was changing to the point that most of the people were betas, and sometimes, because of evolution, alphas and omegas could live their whole lives without knowing they were from other sexes.

Generally, those people also had fertility problems, something that hadn't effected Phil, incredibly.

It was... Too much to comprehend.

It only hit them in the end of the night, when all of the exams were made again.

Phil was an omega and he was pregnant of another omega.

What the fuck was even happening?

They went back home and stood in silence for a while.

There was a pile of exams and a sonogram picture on the table.

Phil was the first one to talk.

"We are going to have a baby."

Yes. They were. Not how they expected, though.

Dan's belly was completely empty. He was not going to go through months of waiting, developing their kid inside him. Phil was.

And he was jealous. He... He always thought...

But it was not time to be jealous right now. Why was he jealous?

Phil was pregnant. They were going to have a baby, one way or another.

Jesus, they were going to have a baby.

"It explains all my weird obsession with pregnancy." Phil said, his voice sounding like he was about to cry. "Maybe deep inside I knew... I..."

He started crying, and Dan hugged him.

It was not the time for words. Everything was said and done. They just needed each other in that moment.

And when, later in bed, Phil pulled Dan's hand to rest on his still flat belly, Dan smiled.

Yeah, it did not erase his emotional turmoil, no. He would still need to talk about it to his therapist, to get a little introspective about the whole situation.

But, yeah... He could get used to that. With the image of Phil's belly expanding, carrying their child, their beautiful, loved and wanted child.

It was going to be ok.

"We're going to call her Susan."

"What? No! Shut up rat!" Dan laughed, kissed his lover's cheek and whispered. "You're the best omega an omega could want."

[phangelica]

my 2019 fics!!!

i posted for the first time this year ! I posted a total of 9 fics all for @phandomficfests first for the Hits Different Fest then the Bingo Fest and lastly the Holiday Fic Exchange! I’ve loved writing fics it’s helped me feel more involved in the phandom especially as dnp post less content and i just want to thank anyone who has read any of my fics or has supported me along the way :-) sooo here are my fics:

In The Moment - This was for the Hits Different Fest where I basically looked at the relationship between Phil and the Howells and I was honestly shocked by the reaction is received and writing fics has made me so much more confident in my writing and this is what set off the whole thing!

My Spooky Week Bingo Fics! - I wrote these when for the Bingo Fest and also in the week leading up to Halloween in a moment I was feeling so sad in real life and with stuff happening in the phandom/dan and phil and I decided I wanted to redefine my experience so I wrote fics leading up the Halloween and I’m actually really proud of all these ! But also especially the two longer ones: Close to Bad Decisions and Late Night Train Rides.

Wilde - This was my longest work this year and probably ever lol and I’m soo proud of it it’s also my only chaptered work ! This was for the Holiday Exchange Fest and I loved how it turned out and all the world involved so yay!!!

This has made me feel even more involved in the phandom than before making 2019 my best year in the phandom yet 🤗 I hope to write a lot more stuff next year!!!

[ao3feedphan]

Midnight bus ride

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2Po6NX4

by Fondeyeslester

"It’s an eternal moment, where they are young and scared and so fucking in love that it hurts."

It's 2010 and Dan shows up at Phil's door with a suitcase full of laundry and tears in his eyes

Words: 1021, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Characters: Dan Howell, Phil Lester

Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

Additional Tags: Introspection, 2010 Era (Phandom), 2010 Phan, Established Relationship, phandom fic fests: hits different, it hits different, Fluff, Light Angst

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2Po6NX4

[maybeformepersonally]

Fic: Coincidences mean you're on the right path

Title: Coincidences mean you're on the right path Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: G / General Audiences Summary: Dan had been watching Amazingphil since he was a teenager. He never thought they would actually meet, of course, and so he is understandably surprised when Phil walks into the room. Word Count: 4055 Author’s Note: Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Bingo, for the square “Fandom AU”. This is a canon divergence AU where they never met in 2009, and Dan never started making videos or became an internet cult leader. Now, it’s 2018 and they unexpectedly cross paths. Read on AO3

Dan’s had a stressful day at work, to say the least. This, coupled with staying up much later than he should have last night for an impromptu, ill-advised Netflix marathon is almost enough to tempt him into skipping the gym for the day. Almost, but not quite, as he knows he’ll struggle to fall asleep if he doesn’t tire himself out. It’s for a noble cause, he tells himself, and drags himself there, albeit grudgingly.

 He’s in a mood today. It’s the only reason why he’s dragging his feet, really. He knows he’ll get into it as soon as he starts, that’s what always happens. And he understands how crucial exercise is for his mental health. It really has helped a lot since he’d taken it up two years ago. He allows himself a pout and some internal grumbling about it anyway.

 Well, as it turns out, he will never be so grateful for his hard-earned discipline, for if he had caved to temptation, he would have missed out.

 He’s quite at home in the machine room, doing his own thing with headphones on, as usual, jogging on the treadmill, when none other than Phil Lester, a.k.a. Amazingphil, a.k.a. the star of an embarrassingly large amount of Dan’s teenage fantasies (and also an occasional star of a few current ones), struts into the machine room and sits down on the fucking Leg Press Machine directly in Dan’s line of sight.

 Dan barely avoids faceplanting on the treadmill in shock.

 The next thirty minutes are a test to his already frayed nerves that Dan wouldn’t have expected to pass, but somehow he managed to play it cool and he doesn’t stare too obviously (he hopes) nor does he make a complete fool of himself in front of his kind-of-celebrity crush (he thinks), dealing a fatal blow to his self-esteem and ruining one of his favourite places to unwind in one fell swoop.

 They’re both wearing headphones, and he’s still starstruck and a bit shocked that Amazingphil of all people just walked into his regular gym in a tight green t-shirt that brings out his eyes and tight black shorts that bring out… other assets, so he doesn’t even try to strike up a conversation. He’s too nervous, anyway, he’d probably embarrass himself, and then he’d be out of a gym because there is no way he’d come back here if that were to happen. He doesn’t want to have to scope out gyms again, that way lies madness.

 So Dan finishes his set, grabs his things, and he nods to Amazingphil as he leaves. And he doesn’t go hide in the bathroom for a little freak out; he can freak out at home, like a functional adult.

 Now, Dan isn’t the huge fan of youtube he used to be when he was a teenager, but he still follows a few channels religiously. Amazingphil and PhilGAMES are the only ones he has the notifications on for, because he may be a grown man and a professional these days, but Phil still holds a special place in his heart. (So what if he never got over his teenage crush, have you seen Phil’s smile? He’s only human, and there’s nothing wrong with a harmless crush on an unattainable sort-of-celebrity. Sue him.)

 ***

Phil came out officially a few years ago, but it’s been pretty obvious that he was bi from way back on his early days of youtube, so when he tries going to the gym and decides to make a video about what a disaster it was, he doesn’t think twice about going on a rant in the video about how as he was leaving, he saw the most gorgeous man working out and he may or may not have decided to get some exercise on the machines instead of running away because he wanted to stare at this earthly Adonis for a little while.

 “And that’s the story of how I went to the gym, almost died because I was too socially anxious to tell the instructor the workout was too intense for me, went to hide in the bathroom to catch my breath for 15 minutes, then went to run away without saying goodbye, saw the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on and felt compelled to man up, go back to tell Leon that it wasn’t working out for me and that I’d like to try the machines so that I could go at my own pace, then embarrassed myself by being the most unfit person in Britain in front of a fitness god with the face of an angel. But hey, I least I got some exercise in! Also, I may be going again just to see if I run into him again. Not to talk to him, or ask him out, I just want to bask in his beauty. What’s the bi equivalent of a useless lesbian? Because that’s me. Oh, I know! A disaster bi. I’m pretty sure I’ve read that somewhere,” he ends with a laugh.

 “That’s not creepy, right? Is that creepy?” he asks PJ later. PJ laughs at him, but reassures him that so long as he’s respectful and doesn’t stalk this guy or something, it’s fine. And really, Phil probably couldn’t be a creep if he tried. He’s too polite, and also too good a person to actually put his own selfish desires above someone else’s comfort.

 Slightly reassured, Phil goes back to the gym again to try his luck. He wasn’t completely serious in his video, he’s not going to keep going to the gym to stare longingly at this guy. He’s hoping to talk to him at some point, feel him out (metaphorically!) to see if he may be interested. He’s not going to just ask him out out of nowhere, but maybe, if he seems like he might be receptive to it…

***

Dan does have a little freakout as he goes back home, but then life goes on, and he doesn’t see Phil again in the gym for the rest of the week. He figures it’s probably a fluke. Phil has mentioned repeatedly in his videos that’s he’s terribly unfit and that he doesn’t enjoy working out at all, though he’s tried a few times to get into the swing of it. That’s probably what happened, he’s tried it again (it isn’t lost on Dan that it’s the middle of January, and Phil has joked that getting fit is always one of his New Year’s resolutions), but he’ll probably get bored soon.

 The big freakout comes four days after, when he gets a notification that Amazingphil has uploaded a video called “Why I should probably not go back to the gym… but will anyway”. He’s glad he waits until he’s home to watch it, because whatever he was expecting (oh god, will he mention the awkward nerd who almost fell off the treadmill when he walked in and kept sneaking looks at him? Shit, did I make him uncomfortable?), it was not this.

 Phil wasn’t even going to try the machines? He was walking past and saw Dan and stayed to stare at him?? He thought Dan was attractive? Very attractive even? He was thinking of coming back to stare at Dan some more?? Was this even real? Was he just building up a story to make an entertaining video? What was going on? Was this real life? Oh god, he actually goes on a minute-long rant about how gorgeous Dan is and he might have to go scream on a pillow, what is his life. Dan had looked in the mirror when he went home after the awkward gym kind-of-encounter that day; he’d finished an hour long session of exercise and he’d looked it. He was tired and sweaty and he’d worn his too big grey exercise t-shirt that day. He’d looked like the exhausted, emo-adjacent, sweaty rat that he was, what was Phil talking about?

 ***

The next time, Phil tries talking to him. Nothing too ambitious, just some small talk.

He takes his chance when the man stops the machine he’s on and steps away, pulling his headphones off and into his backpack.

“Hey, um, hi,” Phil says and gives a little wave. “Sorry to bother you, I just signed in last week and I was wondering if you’ve been coming here for long?”

 The man looks a bit surprised, but not bothered, to Phil’s relief.

 “Oh, hi. Yeah, a bit over a year?” His phone beeps and he looks at it distractedly, but he keeps talking. “Since I moved in to London, really.” He puts his phone back and turns his attention to Phil again. Phil beams at him.

 “Oh, that’s great!” he maybe sounds a bit too excited about that, but he’s a bit nervous and he’s glad the guy is volunteering information and seems to be okay talking to him. “I don’t know much about gyms, or exercise, as you can see,” Phil joked, waving his right arm to encompass himself, illustrating his unfit condition, “so I thought I’d ask someone for… suggestions, I guess? If that’s okay”.

 The man looks surprised again for a second, but then he looks him up and down appreciatively and once he’s made it all the way up to Phil’s eyes again, he declares, “I don’t know that you need any. I think you look great”.

 Phil is startled into a quiet laugh and he can feel the blush on his face, but he can’t be too bothered given the current situation.

 “I’m Dan,” the man smiles at him, and Phil suddenly feels like a deer in the headlights. Oh god, he has dimples. The humanity. He’s actually a thousand times more attractive when he smiles, how? Phil has the urge to do something stupid. He powers through it, but he’s taken a critical hit, and he probably comes off as extremely weird through the rest of the short conversation. Not that he isn’t weird. He’s made a whole series of youtube videos about it. It’s part of his core branding.

 “I’d be happy to give you some tips, or whatever it is you’re looking for,” Dan starts, then his phone beeps again, and he interrupts whatever he was going to say to check it, again, then sighs. “Sorry, I’d love to help you out right now, but I really need to go… deal with this client.” His phone makes another, different sound, and Phil can see Dan isn’t happy about it, but then he shoves the phone away and when he turns to Phil again, he has a small, shy-looking smile on his face. Phil is a goner.

 “If you want... I come here every day from six to seven or so, except Sundays. If you come around that time, I’d be happy to help you?” The words lift into a question, into an invitation that Phil can take or leave.

 Phil recognises that it’s a very open invitation. If he actually wants help and nothing else, Dan would probably indulge him. If Phil was uncomfortable and didn’t want to run into him again, he now knows what time Dan comes and can plan around it to avoid him. And if he wants something else, like, say, misuse his gym membership card to come flirt with a gorgeous guy he met in the machine room…

 Dan is picking up his stuff, conspicuously giving him some breathing room, and Phil realises he might have come off as uninterested, which is the opposite of what he wants to do now that Dan’s flirted with him first, so he smiles and brings out the bedroom eyes.

 “That’d be brilliant. I’ll definitely take you up on that.”

 Phil’s gratified to see Dan looks affected, if the searing look he throws his way is any indication, but after a few seconds, his phone beeps again and he’s moving to leave.

 “Good,” he says, his slightly crooked smile giving Phil ample incentive to stick to his New Year’s resolution for once. “I’ll see you around, then”.

 Now, because Phil is a useless bisexual, it is only at this point that he realises he’s never offered his name, and Dan is turning to leave, so he blurts it out.

 “My name’s Phil, by the way!”

 Dan stops, turns back to him and gives him another one of those devastating smiles, the kind that brings out his dimples, and Phil may be swooning.

 “Phil,” Dan says, less as if he’s trying out the word and more as if he’s relishing in it. “I look forward to seeing you again”. The he turns and actually leaves.

 Phil is left alone in the machine room, staring at the door Dan left through and smiling like a lunatic for the next couple of minutes.

 ***

“Okay, I have a confession to make,” Dan starts before they even open the menus.

 “Okay?”

 “Please don’t take this the wrong way. I just… feel like I need to tell you this if we’re actually going to do this.”

 Okay, now Phil is a little worried, but he’s open to hear Dan out on whatever it is. He really likes Dan an unreasonable amount for how recently they’ve met and how little time they’ve spent together. He’d like to think he’s an open-minded person, and so he quickly decides that he’ll be kind no matter what it is that’s making Dan look this nervous.

 “Okay. I’m listening.” Phil wants to hold Dan’s hand to maybe put him at ease, but he’s not sure if that would help or make things worse, so he refrains.

 “Right. Okay.” Dan takes a deep breath. ”Um. Okay. I… knew your name. That day we talked for the first time. And the time before that, really, when I first saw you in the gym.”

 “Okay?” He doesn’t know what Dan is hinting at.

 “I know who you are, I mean. I’ve known who you are since 2006, when I first became obsessed with Youtube.”

 Oh.

 “Oh.” Phil wasn’t expecting that, but he’s not sure why something like that would make Dan this nervous, so he figures there’s more. When Dan doesn’t elaborate, but rather keeps looking at him in silence, Phil tries to break the ice. “So, you used to watch my videos?”

 Dan relaxes a little as Phil smiles at him. “Yeah. I was a huge fan, actually.” He still looks nervous, so Phil decides to throw caution to the wind and move to hold his hand anyway. When he reaches out and threads their fingers together over the table, Dan gives him a questioning look, but he doesn’t move away. Instead, he moves his thumb to gently rub Phil’s hand, and manages a shaky smile.

 Did he think Phil was going to be upset that Dan liked his videos as a teenager? Or that Phil maybe wouldn’t want to date someone who used to be a viewer? That was crazy. This was actually great, as it meant Dan had to have some idea of what he was getting into, dating a youtuber. It also meant Phil wouldn’t have to explain Youtube to him, or his nosey audience, or why there was a good chance their dates would be interrupted by people asking for a picture with him. The only reason Phil had chosen this restaurant for their first proper date (flirting at the gym didn’t count as proper dates) and had gone for a private room was so that he could get the explanation out of the way before that happened.

 “I don’t mind, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he reassures Dan. “That’s actually really flattering. Though I wonder what I did to lose you as a viewer,” Phil jokes.

 Dan winces and says. “You didn’t.”

 Now Phil’s eyebrows shoot up, but he still doesn’t pull his hand away. It gives Dan the strength he couldn’t seem to gather before.

 “I started watching you early on, and watched you all through college. I used to watch a lot of youtube then. I gradually stopped watching Youtube as a whole when I graduated and got a job, as a result of a mixture of lack of time and waning interest, but there’s a few channels I still check out every once in a while. Yours is among them.”

 Phil squeezes his hand reassuringly, and grins. “Do you follow my social media accounts?”

 “Um. Yeah. Instagram.”

 Phil grinned warmly, “Really? So you like looking at me. Good to know.”

 Dan made an embarrassed little noise of protest, but he couldn’t really argue. “You’re nice to look at.” He was blushing a little, but he was also looking him in the eye now, shy but determined. Phil got distracted by the little rosy patch that formed right over his jaw.

 “Do you follow me on twitter? Or on Tumblr? Do you troll the IDB forums?” Phil is full on teasing him now. It seems highly unlikely that Dan is one of his most invested fans; in fact, the idea is kind of hilarious. And also kind of hot. He might revisit that idea later. In private.

 Dan laughs, “No, and no, and I don’t even know what that last one is, do I want to know?”

 “It’s a fan forum. It’s… very comprehensive. There’s a lot of information and speculation going on there. You know, actual fandom stuff.”

 Dan scoffs at that, but he’s still smiling, so Phil counts it as a win. “I’m not in the fandom. Ha, I wouldn’t have even had the time for it until recently, with the way I let work take over my life. Just… you know. I watch your videos.”

 “And you follow my Insta,” Phil reminded him.

 “Okay, that too.”

 “Is that why you watch my videos? Because you think I’m ‘nice to look at’?” Phil teases.

 “Well, I mean, that certainly helped,” Dan answers candidly, and damn it, now it’s Phil’s turn to blush. “But I wouldn’t have kept watching if you weren’t also hilarious. You’re just fun to watch, you know?”

 Phil is thinking this is all immensely cute when it dawns on him what his next to last video was. “Oh no. Oh no, god, you still watch my videos.” His hand is gripping Dan’s like a lifeline in mortification.

 “Yeah…?”

 “Mfph,” Phil says from behind his other hand. Which he is trying and failing to hide behind. His right hand hasn’t even tried to let go of Dan’s, so Dan doesn’t panic. Mostly.

 “You saw my video, didn’t you? The gym video? Where I go on and on about how fit you are?”

 “Yep;” Dan answered cheekily.

 Phil moaned in embarrassment behind his hand and Dan laughs. It sounds about as beautiful as he is, which is saying a lot. Okay, Phil may be a bit smitten, but he thinks he has reason to be, all things considered.

 “Instant favourite. How do you think I managed to find the guts to flirt with you?”

 At that, Phil peeks out of his hand.

 “I wasn’t sure if you even meant it, but. I mean, I know you must exaggerate or even make up part of your stories to make them entertaining for an audience. But. I mean, you did go on for about two minutes about how gorgeous I was, so,” Dan laughs a bit under his breath and Phil is so charmed he finally pulls his hand away from his face. “I figured I probably had a chance if you ever showed up in the gym again.”

 “I meant it,” Phil tells him. The way Dan is looking at him, joy and affection and attraction (a look that would later be dubbed ‘Heart Eyes Howell’ by Phil’s fans), prompts Phil to admit “...I actually had to reshoot that because I went on quite the lengthy rant about it the first time. And then I had to cut some of it from the take you did see, so that it wouldn’t jar the flow of the video.”

 Phil is blushing again, but Dan looks thrilled, so he doesn’t mind too much.

 ***

 Amazingphil posted “Life Update! Amazing Boyfriend? (Not Clickbait)”

 “Hi guys! So, a lot of people have been asking about this on twitter - *zoom in* and everywhere else *laughs, zoom out* so I thought I’d let you know what’s been going on in my life.

 Yes, I’m dating someone. Yes, it’s a guy. Yes, I’m very happy about it and you all should be grateful I have some self-control because if I had immediately given in to the urge to gush about him, you’d all be sick of it by now. *laughs*

 So, anyway! In this video, I’ll tell you a little about how we met, and I think some of you will be pleasantly surprised to find out that I’ve actually mentioned him before in a past video.

 Remember when I said this? [clip of the gym video where he talks about how his struggles in the gym led him to stumbling upon the Most Beautiful Man In The World.]

 Weeeell… *looks to the side*

 I did go back, as it turns out, and I didn’t see him again. But I was already there, so I might as well do some exercise, right? So I did, and nothing happened, and I came back home tired and sore and slightly disappointed.

 But then! The next time I went, I caught him just as he was finishing his, like, workout day, or whatever it is that people who exercise regularly call it, and I thought to myself, ‘Phil. This is your chance. Just talk to him. Make some small talk. No pressure, just some casual human interaction. Just a chill talk with the most attractive man you’ve ever seen in your life. Nothing to be nervous about! *laughs, closes his eyes and shakes his head at himself*

 So, I give myself a little pep talk, I pluck up my courage, and I. Go. Talk to him! *celebratory music*

 And what does he do? *Phil enunciates, giggly* What does he do as I start talking to him, just trying to set up a friendly, relaxed atmosphere? Just opening up the lines of communication, you know, some casual bants? Do you know what he does? He immediately, shamelessly, flirts with me. *Phil laughs again*

 I was… shook.

 So, we talked a little but then he had to go - which I was actually grateful for because by that time I was freaking out internally and I didn’t want to make a complete fool of myself - but! We arranged to meet again, in the gym.

 And the next time we did meet, I asked him out. On an actual date, not just… hanging out in the gym so that I had to awkwardly try not to embarrass myself as I work out in front of him even though I’m terrible at it.

 So, long story short, we’ve been dating since then. *celebratory music*

 So now you know. I am officially dating the Most Beautiful Man In The World.

*soft background music stops* Not even kidding, he’s the most attractive person I’ve seen in my life. It’s kind of surreal.

 *music resumes*

 So! I know some of you guys have been asking to meet him, as it were, and I have good news for you! I will be making a video with him soon, probably in the next week, so look out for that! Also, *zoom in* be nice to him, please, he’s wonderful and I’m really happy he’s in my life. Let’s not drive him away, yeah! *laughs*

 *zooms out* I’m kidding! He knows you’re all crazy, I told him all about you guys. And he seems ready to adopt you all anyway, so that’s alright. The poor bastard. 

 Anyway, that’s it for today! I hope you all have a great day! Please press like if you liked the video, I actually want to know if you guys enjoy this type of casual life update... talk-type thing and if I should make more of these. Click the subscribe button if you want to see more of me, and click the notification bell to be told when I post a new video! Check out my gaming channel! And I’ll see you guys soon! Byeee!”