#pfatteruniversity

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This weekend, Pfatter University hosted our Fall Art Topics Showcase, featuring the work of our talented student artists. Here’s some selections from Jeremy P., a Junior, who chronicled four students’ relationships with junk food throughout the course of their studies at Pfatter U, entitled: “A Well-Rounded Diet.” Enjoy!

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How do the new recruits react to their first couple pounds when they get on campus?

Our students start to see the effects of the calorie-dense dining hall food far before their freshman year starts. Most of them are shocked to find they’ve gained 15-20 lbs by the end of their incoming-student orientation! Here’s Landon and Nick, from last summer.

Our first orientation for the 24-25 school year ends in a few days. Wanna see the results? Let us know!

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Our nationally-ranked, incredibly-buoyant water polo team held their first practice of the season yesterday. Team captains Jason G. and Chris O. recreated a photo from the start of last year’s season, and let’s just say it really shows their growth as Pfatter U student-athletes!

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It’s September and classes are back in session at Pfatter U. To celebrate, we are proud to announce the debut of our new, self-service Thickening Machines!

Developed in our biology labs, the machines are able to rapidly add fat cells to any student body - an athlete looking for a competitive advantage or a slim freshman looking for some more weight to throw around.

The good news is they’re 95% accurate! The other 5% of the time, it triples the subject’s weight. Hope they don’t mind! Something tells us these Thickening Machines will get a lot of us this semester. Want to see more results?

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When a student isn’t achieving their full potential, we assign them a knowledgeable, well-fed upperclassman tutor who is authorized to use any motivation necessary to expand their knowledge (and waistlines). Here’s a few private sessions from our past school year!

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On this unseasonably warm May day, sophomores Shawn and Lukas and a handful of other students decided to cool off by stripping down and running through the sprinklers on the quad!

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“I was sad to hear that Erik wouldn’t be my RA again for my sophomore year. He got placed in a dorm across campus. But at least once a week we’d meet up at the Pfatter U all-you-can-eat dining hall - he’d keep refilling my plate and ask me how life on the hockey team was going. By the end of the season, they moved me to goalie, since I had grown so much I took up the entire net. I think I have Erik to thank for that!” - Freddie L., sophomore

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It’s Halloweekend at Pfatter University. Take a look at just a few of the creative costumes on display last night:

Gladiator Garrett fuels up for battle against his ferocious lion Evan.

Samuel shows you what Michael Phelps might look like if he kept up the swimmer’s diet but cut back on the swimming.

DeVaughn and Alfonso remind you it’s ok to eat a half hour before you swim, and a half hour after, and again after that …

Alan, Brayden, and Will are ready to whip up an extra-caloric breakfast and serve it to you in bed!

Freshmen Chris, Lane, and Dmitri’s tight onesies show they’ve really been Three Little Pigs in their first semester.

Senior Noah proudly displays his pumpkin body art … there was much less of a canvas four years ago!

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Beautiful day for lacrosse practice at Pfatter University Stadium. Here’s sophomores Oliver, Ryan, and Jack.

Fun fact: Ryan and Jack ended last season at the same weight! We think Ryan has some catching up to do…

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Here’s a photo of Pfatter U swimmers Jimmy (freshman), Doug (sophomore), and Ivan (junior). We heard their senior teammate Sam is back in the locker room, trying to get his XXL speedo to fit!

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How are summer classes going at the university? Are the new freshmen fitting in?

We’ve been so busy with summer session that we keep forgetting to post! We’ve had a few freshman orientations so far, and just like always, our incoming students end the week with a little taste of what campus life is like. Take a look at what five days of eating in our dining hall did to future freshmen Jake and Ty, and Eddie and Owen. Wait til they officially start in the fall!

Want to see more?

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Which fraternity at PFatter University is known as the biggest party animals? I can only imagine how much beer the frat house consumes.

That would be Sigma Delta Tau (ΣΔΤ)! Last night they threw their annual Barely Dressed Greek party, showing off their well-fed physiques under their signature sheer togas. Don’t you wish you had been there?

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For the past month, Pfatter U has been piloting our new ASV’s: appetite-stimulating vapes. Our entire student body have been giving them a try, from our freshmen who have struggled to start their gaining journey, to our seniors who are trying to round out even more! Check out the results below. If you want to see more pics, reblog this post!

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Uh-oh! Dr. Xavier Pande, esteemed chemistry professor, accidentally contaminated our sophomore dorm’s water supply. He’d been experimenting on a rapid weight-gain serum that activates when absorbed through the skin.

Dozens of our summer session students proved his formula’s working when they rapidly began expanding before each others’ eyes in the communal dorm showers!

Should we address the contamination? Or … ask Dr. Pande to make another batch? 😈

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Pfatter U’s social media intern has been studying abroad! It’s been hard to keep up with all the goings-on this semester. We’ve taken a lot of photos (taken on our new high-def camera!) but haven’t had time to post them. Should we?

Here’s the club soccer getting back together for the first spring practice. Jeremy, their star center, surprised them with his new-found heft, after coming back from his internship at a supplement company.

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“At first, I didn’t want to share a dorm with two other guys. Luckily we all got along, and our moms sent home-cooked meals for us to share every week! Now we’re looking forward to rooming together as sophomores.” Grant (on left) with his roommates Will and Theo.