#pfatteruniversity

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How do the new recruits react to their first couple pounds when they get on campus?

Our students start to see the effects of the calorie-dense dining hall food far before their freshman year starts. Most of them are shocked to find they’ve gained 15-20 lbs by the end of their incoming-student orientation! Here’s Landon and Nick, from last summer.

Our first orientation for the 24-25 school year ends in a few days. Wanna see the results? Let us know!

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It’s September and classes are back in session at Pfatter U. To celebrate, we are proud to announce the debut of our new, self-service Thickening Machines!

Developed in our biology labs, the machines are able to rapidly add fat cells to any student body - an athlete looking for a competitive advantage or a slim freshman looking for some more weight to throw around.

The good news is they’re 95% accurate! The other 5% of the time, it triples the subject’s weight. Hope they don’t mind! Something tells us these Thickening Machines will get a lot of us this semester. Want to see more results?

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When a student isn’t achieving their full potential, we assign them a knowledgeable, well-fed upperclassman tutor who is authorized to use any motivation necessary to expand their knowledge (and waistlines). Here’s a few private sessions from our past school year!

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On this unseasonably warm May day, sophomores Shawn and Lukas and a handful of other students decided to cool off by stripping down and running through the sprinklers on the quad!

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Beautiful day for lacrosse practice at Pfatter University Stadium. Here’s sophomores Oliver, Ryan, and Jack.

Fun fact: Ryan and Jack ended last season at the same weight! We think Ryan has some catching up to do…

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Which fraternity at PFatter University is known as the biggest party animals? I can only imagine how much beer the frat house consumes.

That would be Sigma Delta Tau (ΣΔΤ)! Last night they threw their annual Barely Dressed Greek party, showing off their well-fed physiques under their signature sheer togas. Don’t you wish you had been there?

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Our nationally-ranked, incredibly-buoyant water polo team held their first practice of the season yesterday. Team captains Jason G. and Chris O. recreated a photo from the start of last year’s season, and let’s just say it really shows their growth as Pfatter U student-athletes!

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Here’s a photo of Pfatter U swimmers Jimmy (freshman), Doug (sophomore), and Ivan (junior). We heard their senior teammate Sam is back in the locker room, trying to get his XXL speedo to fit!

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“I was sad to hear that Erik wouldn’t be my RA again for my sophomore year. He got placed in a dorm across campus. But at least once a week we’d meet up at the Pfatter U all-you-can-eat dining hall - he’d keep refilling my plate and ask me how life on the hockey team was going. By the end of the season, they moved me to goalie, since I had grown so much I took up the entire net. I think I have Erik to thank for that!” - Freddie L., sophomore

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Pfatter U’s social media intern has been studying abroad! It’s been hard to keep up with all the goings-on this semester. We’ve taken a lot of photos (taken on our new high-def camera!) but haven’t had time to post them. Should we?

Here’s the club soccer getting back together for the first spring practice. Jeremy, their star center, surprised them with his new-found heft, after coming back from his internship at a supplement company.

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How are summer classes going at the university? Are the new freshmen fitting in?

We’ve been so busy with summer session that we keep forgetting to post! We’ve had a few freshman orientations so far, and just like always, our incoming students end the week with a little taste of what campus life is like. Take a look at what five days of eating in our dining hall did to future freshmen Jake and Ty, and Eddie and Owen. Wait til they officially start in the fall!

Want to see more?

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“At first, I didn’t want to share a dorm with two other guys. Luckily we all got along, and our moms sent home-cooked meals for us to share every week! Now we’re looking forward to rooming together as sophomores.” Grant (on left) with his roommates Will and Theo.

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“Being an RA at Pfatter University is so rewarding! I’m living on a Freshman Floor this year. They always stop by to raid my snack cabinet, ask for recipes, or borrow some clothes - at least half my resident’s pants don’t fit anymore! But I’m always happy to help.” - Luke, senior

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What does the theatre department happen to look like at Pfatter U?

Our theatre program is robust! We put on four full-length plays a year and always encourage majors and non-majors alike to get involved. Below are some stills from our recent productions of Peter Pan, Grease, Oedipus, and Oklahoma!

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During the off-season, our soccer players are known to hibernate - that is, eat lots of food and move very little! We asked them to try on their jerseys for us, because who doesn’t love a comparison photo?

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Uh-oh! Dr. Xavier Pande, esteemed chemistry professor, accidentally contaminated our sophomore dorm’s water supply. He’d been experimenting on a rapid weight-gain serum that activates when absorbed through the skin.

Dozens of our summer session students proved his formula’s working when they rapidly began expanding before each others’ eyes in the communal dorm showers!

Should we address the contamination? Or … ask Dr. Pande to make another batch? 😈