#personally? i am at another all time low in mental state & actual health. but we stay silly for ever . . .... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

radikylie · 1 year ago

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Journal entry 5 million years later

Wow. It’s been well over a year and a half since I posted anything super personal and probably close to two years since being active on here. It has been a rollercoaster. In November 2021, I accepted a job at a university in the state where my love lived. After my graduate assistantship ended in 2020, it took me a year and a half to find a full-time job because of Covid. I applied to nearly 100 jobs and only heard back from maybe 10% of those jobs. And then I had exactly 3 and a half weeks to move my entire life across the country and move into an apartment with my then long-distance girlfriend when I was offered a job at a mid-size university.

Sometimes my life still doesn’t feel real. I’ve been so happy to be with my Emily and our quirky little sweet cat, but navigating life as an adult in this clown world has been extremely hard. I still can’t believe I live in fucking North Dakota. Our first two winters here have been the most brutal I have ever experienced. Boy, I thought I had SAD when I lived on the east coast but it sure is worse here. We hate living in a red state, but at least we live in the biggest city that is the most progressive.

My job as an admission counselor has been rewarding, difficult, draining, fun, and now mixed with frustration and disappointment. Our education system is a complete dumpster fire. Our incoming students and current students are having mental health crises every fucking day. It tears me apart sometimes to think that I am promising students a future I can’t guarantee with how the world is right now and where it’s going. In a week of traveling, I can drive over a thousand miles and spend over 30 hours in a car. There are high expectations and pressure to bring in first-year students because they are the true cash cows and there’s been a national decrease in enrollment across all institutions. The people I work with have been genuinely great people and are the best parts of the job sometimes. But the pay is absolute shit, and that coupled with rising greedflation and my outrageous private student loan debt feels like it’s crushing me. I don’t know how much longer I can take.

I recently applied for another job within my office that pays 10k more, and I know deserve something insanely better, but it would have been a good transition point and actually allow me to save money to move, and to get an EdTech job that is remote. I was denied this new job, the other candidate had “years of direct marketing experience” where I didn’t, but I had almost 2 years of experience in my office. I’ve shown them consistently that I have strong project management skills and organization for handling all of the texting/calling campaigns we do for students which was another part of this new job. It was handling all of the communications for print/emails (project management) and the job description didn’t even place a strong emphasis on design or marketing. But that’s what they went for in the other candidate. A white man. He wore a fucking flannel to the interview. If he didn’t have an awesome portfolio to present and he doesn’t bring the “wow” factor to this job, I’m going to be even more pissed.

And you know what also makes me mad. Last year around this time, we were actively hiring for another admission counselor position, and I was on that search committee. We were down to two choices, someone with 14 years of experience, and another person who interviewed so strongly but only had previous tour guide experience in terms of higher ed experience. We asked our supervisor if we could choose the person with less experience and she said that she would support that. We offered the position to the person with less experience but they eventually declined because the salary was so low (which we did advertise the salary??). So for this position I wanted, why would they not elevate another person in their office who has worked so fucking hard and has gone above and beyond for this position, and knows this office and best practices. So why does years of direct of experience matter now?

I cried for like the whole day. People in my office were rooting for me to have this job. The woman who previously had this job, she came from my position before that and didn’t even have a master’s. I cried because I felt trapped in this job, mainly due to capitalism. I cried because I felt so betrayed and underestimated. My direct supervisor was the chair for the search committee, and I know she doesn’t want to lose me as a counselor. Our director told me that my supervisor “adores” me, and that I consistently come up in their conversations about how I do great work and I get shit done. My director said she was excited that I applied and hoped they chose me, so I went into my final interview feeling very confident because she had already met the other two candidates before me.

When my supervisor called me to tell me the news (she was a at a conference), she started out saying that she appreciated me so much and that the other candidate would let them go in another direction that they didn’t even know they could go. I couldn’t speak. My voice cracked and I said thank you for letting me know and we ended the conversation. She followed up with a message on Microsoft Teams saying she appreciated me again and would like to help me build my skills to get me a job in EdTech, which is what I ultimately want. And I wonder if this response is because I low-key indicated to my director (because she flat out asked me) if I would leave if I didn’t get this job and I said yes. I don’t think my supervisor realizes how immediate I want (more like need) to leave.

I went home early crying after spending the entire week, waiting for the call, with extreme brain pain (psychophysiological disorder) symptoms and upset stomach to where I couldn’t eat because I was so stressed. Essentially, my nervous system thinks I’m in “danger” when thinking about travel season so it sends me unpleasant physical symptoms, like nerve pain in my face and muscle aches and nausea to where it gets debilitating at times. And travel season is both Fall and Spring. This past spring, I had to drive on icy back roads to rural parts of ND where my phone service does not work at times and once my tire starting leaking because it had a screw in it. I had a lowkey panic attack because I didn’t know what to do and needed to go to small town (population of 207) to get it patched. I was raped on a back road in a car with a man I thought I could trust when I was 20 so being out in the middle of nowhere gives me so much fucking anxiety. I’m stressed at the thought of college fairs starting in less than 2 months.

Stressed because I can’t do this fucking job anymore. The thought of being in this job for another travel season, like 6 weeks or more on and off of traveling start mid-September through November. And what’s worse is that we get “reimbursed” for our meals that we are out on the road but because North Dakota is North Dakota, I only get reimbursed up to $35 dollars a day meanwhile my coworkers traveling within MN can get up to $70 per day. So, when I travel, I have to be as frugal as possible and still lose money because I only get $6.50 for breakfast (unless I’m at a hotel and they have breakfast), 10.50 for lunch, and 17.50 for dinner. It was fine when I first started out but because of greedflation, it’s so much harder.

My student loan payments are like $700 dollars a month, and even though I have three fucking degrees, I’m stuck at an entry level pay despite having an MS degree. The pay across campus is abysmal. The pay for people with advance degrees is absolute shit. They advertised a mental health counselor position here which required a master’s or above and a license in counseling or social work for 43k. Like WHAT. That is what was offered to me when I started. I can’t save money long-term to get out of this fucking state, and we can’t even pay to go on a mini-vacation for a weekend trip. I had to tell my best friend from high school that I couldn’t go to her very fancy wedding on Cape Cod because there’s no way I can even save for myself. And I don’t think she will ever understand what its like to financially struggle and it feels like she lowkey resents me for it, and it makes me feel alone knowing she could never understand since both her and her husband come from a family with money. I worry she thinks I am just dumb as hell and not responsible with money but I can’t save for fucking anything.

And my god, it could be so much worse. I know this, and am grateful for what we do have but it feels like we have very little to look forward to, and we pretty much can only spend what we need and not for things we want long-term. My family was exactly middle-class and moved into upper-middle class by the time I was in late high school, so it’s brought me more perspective. We are what they call “new poor” - we are one unexpected medical bill/car repair bill away from financial insecurity. I never had to worry about things like this before, I grew up blessed, and I know this. I try to give what I can when I can to my community and family and friends in need.

I tried to pick up a second job at really, really cool brewery but the shifts are so long (6-8 hours) and I sprained my knee on the job which led to my entire back seizing up two days before my birthday a few months ago. The worst birthday I’ve ever experienced. When my back spasmed, I couldn’t walk for three days. I cried the entire time almost. The first day it happened I screamed in pain with every little movement, like so much so Emily worried the cops would be called. Emily had to do everything for me – help me shower, eat, go the bathroom and she cared for me so well. I am so blessed and lucky to have her. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I had to go back to physical therapy and that was expensive also because health insurance is a fucking scam. It took me about a month to get to 60% okay.

I couldn’t work at the brewery for months and the money from there was so good because it’s an insanely huge operation so now I’m back in the same position now, and don’t know if I can physically keep up with the work. They work their employees so hard, not in a bad way necessarily, it’s just the nature of it because it’s in the top 10 breweries on untapped or whatever. I don’t think I can physically handle more than one or two shifts a month, but I’m afraid to work a whole shift again.

My health is not great. My desk job already has me gaining weight paired with PCOS that feels like it’s out of control, and my body hurts from sitting all day. My face is constantly breaking out from hormonal acne, I’m sure it’s been from all the stress I’ve been under too, but also because everything in this fucking world is harmful to us in one way or another. I’m not at the highest weight I’ve ever been but close to 20 pounds extra since I moved here. Its just so hard to find time and energy to workout because I have so little of both. Especially when I’m traveling, and it’s harder because the cheapest food when I’m out on the road is fast food so there’s not a lot of options to be healthy, especially in fucking ND. I think the only healthy/salad bowl kind of place is in the city we are in and the capital of ND and that’s it lol and its also more expensive. Driving for hours and hours is so exhausting. So. my mental health and self-image have been suffering from all of that too.

But it feels like we are stuck in this city that is filled with terrible drivers and roads, and these brutal winters. The winters wouldn’t be so bad if the city actually maintained the roads better but every other week it feels like we are risking our lives to go to fucking work. I’ve had to drive through blizzards when I’ve never had any winter driving experience before. I’ve had an entire panic attack/mental breakdown on the interstate here that was completely iced over for 75 miles and I needed to get to the other side of the state for a fucking career fair for work. There were cars in ditches, and another fucking blizzard on the way after receiving well over a foot of snow in some parts of ND. If we weren’t visiting Em’s parents in the same town, and if she didn’t take over and drive on the icy parts for me, we would have never made it. I would have been paralyzed in fear at a truck stop without her, and she really showed up for me that day.

Spring and Fall both lasted maybe 3 weeks before it was either hot or cold season which seems to be all that ND has. Spring used to be my favorite season, but here the flowers don’t bloom until late May and its just mud and rain. Its depressing as hell. At least the summers have been mild in comparison to the disgustingly humid summers MD/VA have. When we do get a few really humid/hot days everyone complains so much and its funny to me because that’s basically any day in the summer on the east coast. It wouldn’t be so bad if our apartment ac unit actually fucking cooled our apartment below 72 degrees on a consistent basis. When its extremely hot and humid here, our apartment has gone up to 79 degrees if we do any sort of cooking or baking. It takes days to cool down, even with extra fans.

The city we live in does have a cool community and lots awesome local businesses. That’s been a saving grace. They do a lot of farmer’s markets, vintage markets, community/mutual aid events. If the world ever completely collapsed (which I feel is inevitable), I would feel pretty safe here and secure knowing the community is full of genuine and resourceful people. It’s a very safe and cheap city to live in because nobody wants to live in these winters. But we have no real friends here. We have our work friends who are just that, and it’s incredibly disappointing. We are both introverts but crave deeper connections with others, even if its only a few. One of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn, and still learning, are that friends are like the seasons – they come and go.

I miss my family. I miss those summer days where I would wake up late, and my brother’s family would come over to swim. The dogs would be playing, and my niece and nephew being silly. My dad would grill and my mom would make a bunch of sides and we’d eat outside on the deck together. No plans except to go play a silly little video game by myself or with some people later that night after going for a walk or a run in my neighborhood in the woods. I miss sitting out in my driveway under the stars and trees with a good playlist, smoking a bowl, and reading about aliens. I miss my niece and nephew coming over every Tuesday and the house being so crazy with them but never a dull moment. I didn’t think I would miss that so much. My brothers can be assholes (my older brother more so), but it was nice when we were all getting along.

My relationship with my parents has gotten better as I’ve gotten older but they still can’t give me the emotional support that I need. Emily’s mom has been more emotionally supportive. My parents never ask me how I’m doing, just what I’m doing. I wish they would come visit me but I don’t think they ever will. They wouldn’t even fly me or Emily out for Christmas even though they have more than enough money to do so. They’ve been going on 10-day vacations in Jamaica at fucking Sandals, and doing weekend trips all over the east coast. But seeing me is not enough of a reason to fly here.

They keep telling me how much they miss me and want me to move back but then don’t do anything to help me do that. They said they would help us move if I got a job on the east coast but don’t care that I’m drowning in student debt. They disappoint me still and it feels like I have to grieve my relationship with them of what I need versus what they give me. It’s been that way my entire life. I know that they will never apologize for the things that they did while growing up. It’s a sad thing to come to terms with.

Another thing I have had to come to terms with is my purpose in this world, I guess. When I was 18, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to help people in some capacity. When I was 21, I had this grandiose idea and plans for how I could do that and save the world. When I was 24, I wanted to be a recreational therapist and create a holistic community center. When I was 25, I had started a master’s degree in Higher Education because I wanted to be a graduate assistant to a unique women’s college program within my university, which I worked hard to desperately create a safe space for young women, but the university didn’t give an actual shit about it. I didn’t think I would end up in higher education but here I am.

This is not where I expected myself to be at all, but I really did enjoy working with my students. So, I stayed in it. I finished my degree. And now I feel “stuck” in an education system that is very much a fucking dumpster fire. I’m feeling burnt out, I guess. It’s wrecking my mental and physical health. My nervous system is on high alert all the time, I think. I feel like I can never get enough time to actually rest and recover.

I’ve also had to re-evaluate my “purpose”. I’m an extremely spiritual person and have very much moved away from New Age completely but very interested in paganism or Mother Earth spirituality. I used to think that I had to have this grandiose purpose to change the world, but I recognize that the most important change comes from the self and extending that out to your community. Small acts of kindness can go a long way and encourage others to do the same, creating a chain reaction. But where exactly does that leave me?

Part of me wants to go to another university because of the “prestige” around it, but every institution has its own problems and is still within America’s education system that is a fucking shit show. I’m so concerned about how others see me sometimes, especially in professional sense. I felt like I was a late bloomer in all things because it took me 6 years to get my bachelor’s, but I also had a complete thyroidectomy after struggling with severe symptoms from it, and then being raped 3 months after the surgery. I was academically suspended for a year after my surgery and SA because my GPA was so low. There are so many people from that period of time who wrote me off as a dumb stoner and had no idea I was abusing weed because of trauma. Even my ex-girlfriend and her friends just thought I was a dumb stoner.

So, I guess I feel the need to “prove” that I am more than what they assumed me to be. I thought that I needed to be so career-driven to change the world and I am starting to understand that having that mindset is not a healthy way to live and will lead to self-destruction and burnout. I never thought I would hate my current job as much as I do. And I’m realizing that I don’t necessarily hate the work, but rather the expectations and circumstances surrounding it. I could stick out this job longer if I was paid more but it feels like I am running out of time to find something different before travel season starts again.

I’ve essentially quiet quit at this point. I feel like I have to detach myself from everyone because it hurts that I’m going to have to leave some of the people in my office, and I would go to bat for them at any time. I’ll be doing just above the bare minimum, and will not be volunteering as often to do extra things any more. A coworker of mine just got placed into her dream job and I’m so excited for her, but her leaving also gives us more work to cover. Another reason why I need to leave. And if I can leave before travel season, I feel a little guilty leaving during an important peak time, but they put me in this position.

I can’t do it. I won’t if I don’t have to. And if September comes, and I am still searching for a job, I will do the college fairs with the goal of leaving before October. They could have given me the other position and I would have grown into it, and worked extremely hard to exceed their expectations and they could have arranged to have a new admission counselor in my position by the time college fair season started. But they made their choice. I need to make mine now.

But now I feel like I have to redefine what work means to me. Fuck the system. I can make my own path. I can change the world without a grandiose career. Its okay to just show up to work and then live your life. And so, I hope that my next job is in EdTech (and remote) that can give me financial freedom and security because that’s what it really all comes down to. I want a “lazy girl” job. A job that I feel good about and is not as emotionally/physically demanding so that I have the money to help others and do what I want. I just want to live a comfortable life, and one where I am not always worrying about money.

So, in order to get that, I think I need to release all of this. It’s been holding me back. I deserve a job that pays me well, and lets me live the life I want. A job that lets me help my friends and families, and give back to my community. I don’t have to bear the burden of being in a career that is glorified for how much you give and destroy yourself for it. I can’t imagine what k-12 teachers feel every day.

I think the next piece is letting go. Doing a trust fall for Mother Goddess to catch me and deliver me to my next opportunity. Trusting that the perfect job is on its way to me, and I won’t miss out on something that is for me. I deserve a job that gives me a better work-life balance. That I don’t feel like I am killing myself to survive. I have the money to live how I want, and all of the time and energy I have for other things is abundant.

I get so caught up worrying about making the right or wrong choice, or missing out on a job posting. I get caught up thinking that I’m not quite enough – I don’t have quite enough experience or direct experience or the right degrees. I get caught up with thinking about the cost of living in other states and what I can’t do or where we can’t move to. What if I’m meant to focus on the good, and all of the possibilities and different lives of Kylie. The possible exciting adventures in store for me.

Its reminiscent to how I felt when I couldn’t find a job after my graduate assistantship. I was stressing over every little thing. And then I finally just surrendered. That’s what it felt like after my huge disappointment with Bryn Mawr College and they decided not to hire me but not long after that I was offered my current job. And how I felt after running into my ex at a grocery store and having a panic attack and obsessing over how I’m going to meet my love and what I do or don’t do that could lead me to missing that connection. I eventually had to acknowledge and say that I surrender to the wonderful mystery that is the Universe. About two weeks of recognizing my need to let go of control, I met my Emily.

The catalyst this time is not getting this position within my office. It was a devastating disappointment. I’m still trying to reconcile that. But it has also opened me up to the fact that I do deserve something insanely better - better pay, better benefits, better work-life balance. I know my worth. And while I feel betrayed that I wasn’t picked for this position, I don’t need to punish myself or the people in my office for it. I do still feel a hint of resentment towards my supervisor, but she’ll understand the choice she made when I get offered my next job.

At first, I wanted to sulk. I wanted to quiet quit as loudly as possible. But now I see that I need to cherish my time with everyone. I want them to miss having me. I want to leave the office on good terms. But I want people to know that they lost my loyalty as well. I want people to think that they wish I was still there because of all the light and humor I brought. So. I will not be jumping at every opportunity to volunteer extra time and energy towards things. I will not be half-assing this job completely, but I will not be going above and beyond as often anymore either.

I am still incredibly sad and frustrated at this disappointment, but I see it was necessary and its time for me to move on, as scary as it seems. I will miss these people so much. So now I need to let go. Trust fall. Mother Goddess, A-team, I trust that the perfect job will find its way to me and will bring about the most exciting and best chapters of my life. Thank you for this.

#personal #holy shit this is by far the longest journal entry i have ever written on here #i have not been active in well over a year and a half p much #dont know if i will be again but i needed to post this for my own sanity #so hey if you remember me hi hope ur doing well #are people still really active on this idk i left bc the radfem community drama and life #anyway i wrote this at work otherwise i was going to lose my damn mind and according to word it is 4474 words and 6 pages so

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buttercupdemon · 7 months ago

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I was aware of the drama but I really didn't think you'd go so far as to be that manipulative and mean Jay. I thought you were nice considering we got along pretty well, but outright lying and misinterpreting things on purpose? :(

I say on purpose, but part of me really hopes you're just too engrossed in your self-victimization to realize/understand the truth.

But THIS?

Either this is a friend of yours, whose opinion you agree with enough to use as "proof" of Random's "bad moderation" (which btw, since when is being dedicated for a long time bad?? That's literally why most shows even come to be), OR, even worse, this is YOUR doing. Now I'll try to belive that you wouldn't be as rancid as to write this clearly horrible, demeaningly ableist question. But YOU chose to use this. YOU agreed with it. Random doesn't "claim" to be neurodivergent, she has been officially diagnosed with ADHD by a psychiatrist. And "acoustic", really? Using "austistic" as an insult? As a neurodivergent person yourself, I can't begin to fathom how you would let that slide. I for myself am as dedicated to Undertale as Random is to Kaeloo and it disgusts me that you would ever associate with someone shaming her for her dedication and neurodivergence. No matter how upset you are, resorting to insulting people who not only are fellow neurodivergent people, but also claiming that they are faking JUST to try and gain points is vile.

On the topic of claiming someone is faking.

Yeah. Good try, but claiming someone is faking something just because it's convenient for your argument will only work when people don't have proof that you know nothing about what you're talking about. Next up is a screenshot of a casual conversation I had with Random on December 9, 2023:

Random has been questionning her sexuality since LONG before the drama ever started. Actually, at the time, so was I! It isn't odd for queer people to question their sexuality a lot until they find the right label. Some never do. Plus, Random was raised in a Christian family, so it only makes sense that she started exploring her sexuality once she moved out (again, she moved out a couple years ago, so it still wasn't recent).

You accused her of wanting "internet clout" from her mental health issues because she couldn't see a therapist, despite her stating several times that she's been wanting to and just wasn't able to due to her difficulty doing things without her parents' approval. Note that those messages are both from before you posted your doc, the first one dating back to August 2023 (and more all the way from 2022).

Again with another false accusation which, I'll try to give it that, is most likely a misunderstanding. Here, you claim Random to be misgendering Dolly out of spite and hated:

But the fact is, from what Random knew (and what I knew too), Dolly used ANY pronouns, as evidenced here:

If anything changed since then, none of us were aware.

Besides, Random never misgendered anyone, no matter who. She also never misgendered you despite the drama, even correcting someone misgendering you:

Also WOOOW, asking for people's opinions off the server and then calling the positive answers "ass-kissing"? Real low. Forbidden be I for enjoying a server where my friends and I support each other and talk about a show I like!

There is so much more to say, but I'll end with this because I'm honestly baffled that you found so many things to twist, I don't know how long it would take me to correct all of them.

You use this as an example of Random "allowing people to say kaeloo is a girl"

That's clearly not what this exchange is about?? "youregay" was me, when I was 16 (meaning Random was 18. Not very important but I find it bonkers that these screenshots even exist in the first place because they're clearly not recent, making this feel really stalkerish)? and the meme being disscussed was mine. Random's comment about Kaeloo and Mr. Cat wasn't a complaint about Kaeloo being referred to as a a guy, it was about their places in the meme itself. I know because I was literally there and we talked about it. Furthermore, I have referred to Kaeloo as a guy/he in context several times in the past, and so has Random.

All in all, it really feels like you're either:

Grasping at straws to try and make Random look bad.

So misinformed about the person that you're complaining about and so caught up in your own beliefs that you don't see how much you're unconsciously lying.

Again, from our interactions before this incident, I thought you were a genuinely nice and interesting person, even if we didn't talk much. It breaks my heart to see you treat my friends like that. And I'm not just talking about Random, but everyone in the doc that was mentioned simply for choosing to believe the person they consider a friend. Please, please do better. If not for yourself, then at least for the people around you. In the end, I pray that this situation will resolve peacefully, but I also pray that you and all the other people on your side grow and never hurt someone like that again. I'm sorry it ever had to be like that, and I'm sorry you think you're in the right.

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storiesforallfandoms · 3 years ago

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stuck with you ~ machine gun kelly

word count: 2102

request?: yes!

“Ooh how about an enemies to lovers fic where Colson and the reader get stuck in an elevator together please”

description: it’s hard to keep up a petty beef when you’re stuck in an elevator with your supposed sworn enemy

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing, claustrophobia, panic attack

masterlist (one, two)

I don’t even know how the fight between Colson and I ever started, but I knew it was extremely prevalent even though we were forced to go on tour together.

The first big gig my band and I had ever gotten was to go on a massive tour with a bunch of other popular and legendary alt rock acts. It was sort of like Warped Tour, but under a different name. We were touring with the likes of All Time Low, Sleeping With Sirens, Pierce the Veil, etc. We were relatively unknown, so to be given this opportunity was such a big deal for all of us.

My feud with Colson had started before that. Again, I have no idea how it started. I don’t know Colson even knew. All we knew was that we hated one another, or rather we thought that we did. So when the full line up for the tour was announced, and none other than Machine Gun Kelly was on the list, I instantly regretted my decision.

“You won’t even be in contact with him,” my drummer told me after we found out the lineup. “It’s a massive tour, we have our own bus, and the likeliness that you’ll run into him in the hotel or even backstage is so small.”

“You also need to get over this stupid fight,” my bassist added. “You guys barley know one another, how can you be in a feud?”

“That’s the thing, he barley knows me and he’s ragged on me in interviews. Do you realize how much that could effect the reputation of the band?”

“You won’t even run into him,” my drummer repeated. “Just remember that.”

Well, I wish he was right, because I happened to run into Colson on our first night.

The four of us were staying in one hotel room, and in true fashion of a band on their first big tour, we bought enough alcohol to make sure we wouldn’t remember anything the next morning. I offered to go grab ice from the floor above us so we could keep everything cold, and decided taking the elevator was the best idea. The minute the doors opened, I wished I had taken the stairs.

Colson raised an eyebrow at me, glancing down at the ice bucket in my hand.

“I didn’t realize the house keeping went to get ice for the rooms,” he said.

“That wasn’t even clever. You’re starting to fall off Colson,” I said. “I’ll just take the stairs.”

“The floor is literally just one up, it won’t kill us to be in an elevator together for five seconds.”

I glared at him as I realized he was right. I let out an exaggerated sigh and stepped into the elevator, making sure to put a lot of distance between the two of us. Colson hit the button for the next floor up and the elevator doors closed.

It didn’t move.

I looked over at Colson in confusion, wondering if he was also feeling what I was. The look on his face mirrored mine, which was enough to answer my question.

He hit the floor button again, although it was already lit up. Nothing happened. He hit it again, and again, then furiously started jabbing it repeatedly.

“Stop, that’s obviously not doing anything,” I said to him.

“What else am I supposed to do?” he asked.

“I don’t know, see if the doors will open?”

He pressed the button to make the doors open, but again there was nothing. He started jabbing that one too, which resulted in me snapping at him to stop again. He opened his mouth to retort, but before he could the elevator jolted suddenly and a loud alarm rang out.

“Oh fuck,” Colson breathed. “Must be stuck.”

“Wait like...like we’re stuck in here?” I asked.

“That’s what stuck means, yes.”

I felt panic starting to rise in me. I dropped the ice bucket and started clawing at the doors, hoping to somehow pull them open. Colson put a hand on my shoulder and pulled me away.

“Hey, that’s not gonna work!” he said. “For one, you’re literally the size of a toothpick, and two, if the elevator is stuck we can’t open the doors. We’ll just have to press the help button and wait for something to happen.”

My breathing became heavier and I started to hyperventilate. I pressed my back against the back of the elevator and slid down till I was sat on the floor. I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly. I closed my eyes and tried to come down from my panic attack before it even started, but I knew it was no use. The feeling of the confined space in the elevator was baring down on me, I needed to get out of there somehow.

Colson knelt next to me and put a hand on my arm. I looked up at him but I was having a hard time focusing because of how violently I was shaking. Through my somewhat blurry vision though I could see a concerned look on his face.

“Hey,” he said, this time softer than before, “look at me. Are you claustrophobic?”

I felt like I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded instead. Colson’s eyes widened and he quickly turned back to the help button. He started jabbing at it the way he had the other buttons earlier. I was panicking too much to really care at this point. I felt like I was going to throw up, which made it lucky that the ice bucket was right next to me I guess.

“I don’t know if anyone can hear us,” Colson called, “but we’re fucking stuck in an elevator and one of us is having a panic attack! Someone get us the fuck out of here!”

I buried my head in my knees, trying to calm myself down. I tried to imagine that I wasn’t stuck in an elevator, that I was back in my hotel room with my bandmates. Unfortunately I was too far into my panic attack to calm myself down that way. My only hope was getting out of the elevator.

Colson came to sit next to me. I could feel his body close and, even though we were constantly fighting, there was just something comforting about knowing he was there with me. We sat in silence for a little bit, besides the sounds of my hyperventilating. I felt Colson’s arm move next to me, then a gentle tap on my arm. When I raised my head he was holding his phone out to me, showing me a picture of a young girl.

“That’s my daughter,” he told me. “Her name is Casie. She’s my entire world.”

“She’s beautiful,” I said, my voice very shaky.

“I don’t know what I’d do without her,” he said. “Whenever I’m having a bad mental health day, or I’m having an anxiety attack, I just think about the next time I’ll be able to see her and it helps me to calm down.”

“I didn’t even know you had a daughter,” I admitted.

“We don’t know a lot about each other.”

I nodded. “I know, I say that all the time.”

He smirked at me. “You talk about me, huh?”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course I do. We hate each other, so naturally I have to talk shit about you all the time.”

His face softened then, which shocked me a little. I had never seen him look so...well...just nice. When I wasn’t looking at him through a haze of anger from our stupid feud, he really did look...handsome.

“I don’t hate you,” he said.

“What? Of course you do. You always say shit about me, you even mentioned me in one of your songs recently in a negative way.”

“Yeah, cause I thought you hated me.”

“I don’t hate you.”

And in that moment I realized that I really didn’t. My dislike towards Colson was purely under the idea that he hated me too. I thought that was the way I was supposed to feel towards him, not the way I actually felt.

“Wait,” I said, uncurling myself from the ball I was in. “Are you telling me we’ve been fighting and having this stupid feud...and we don’t even hate each other?”

Colson awkwardly chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I guess that’s exactly what happened.”

I tried to laugh too, but the elevator suddenly jolted again, which immediately brought back my panicked state. Colson wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest, running his fingers through my hair and trying to calm me back down. Surprisingly, it worked at least a little bit.

“I’ve had a crush on you for a while, actually,” Colson admitted. When I looked up at him, even he seemed shocked by this. “I always thought you were beautiful and I wanted to get to meet you in person. But when all this fighting started, I tried to push those feelings aside and pretend like they never existed, but they’ve always been there. I think that’s why I’ve said some extra harsh things towards you, just to try and make myself believe that I really didn’t like you.”

The silence in the elevator was deafening. I pulled away from Colson to look up at him. He averted his gaze to his lap, refusing to look at me at all. I could see red creeping up his neck, embarrassment rising within him no doubt.

I had a brief moment of courage build within me, and I decided to act on it. I cupped Colson’s face in my hands and forced him to look up at me. Before I could lose my courage, I pressed my lips against his.

He hesitated at first, like he couldn’t believe this was happening, but it didn’t take him long to melt into the kiss. His hands found their way to my hips, holding them gently as our kiss became deeper and more passionate. With little effort, he lifted me from the floor onto his lap so that I was straddling him. I ran my hands through his messy blonde hair, curling my fingers into the stands at the back of his head and pulling slightly. The noise I earned from this was definitely a moan, although Colson was adamant that it wasn’t.

Before we could go much further, the elevator suddenly rattled back to life and started moving. When the doors opened again, I nearly sobbed with relief. The two of us quickly untangled from one another and stumbled out into the hallway. The air felt so fresh and my chest, which I hadn’t even realized was so tight, felt like it was opening again.

“Thank fuck,” I breathed. “I’m taking the fucking stairs.”

Colson chuckled. “Can I walk you down to your floor?”

“Aren’t you upstairs?”

“Yeah, like two floors above you I think. But I’d like to spend more time with you before we part ways.”

I smiled and agreed. We walked down the stairs together in silence, but it was a much more comfortable silence. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, and neither could Colson.

He walked me all the way to my hotel room door. We faced each other for another moment, just smiling at one another. It felt weird to not be fighting with him in that moment, but a good weird.

“I should get up to my room I guess,” he finally said. “I have to be up pretty early tomorrow for soundcheck.”

“Me too.”

“Maybe...we could meet up there and continue what we started in the elevator.”

Somehow my smile got even bigger. “Okay, I’d like that.”

He nodded, his face bright with excitement. He said goodnight and headed back towards the stairs. I leaned against my hotel room door, feeling like a lovesick teenager all over again.

That’s when I realized I wasn’t carrying the ice bucket. I had definitely left it in the elevator, but there was no way in hell I was going back for it. I was prepared to explain the entire story to my bandmates, who I was sure had heard the last of mine and Colson’s conversation through the door. I was expecting so many questions about why I was gone so long, why they had heard Colson outside with me, and why I was smiling like such an idiot.

But instead, they looked at me for a moment and my drummer asked, “Where’s the ice?”

#machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly imagine #machine gun kelly x reader #colson baker #colson baker imagine #colson baker x reader #mgk #estxx #imagine #one shot #request #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom

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lannasroleplaymemes · 4 years ago

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BO BURNHAM: INSIDE Sentence Starters

From Bo Burnham’s newly released Netflix special. Trigger warning for mentions of suicide and generally pessimistic/cynical statements, plus swear. Tweak as needed.

"It's a beautiful day to stay inside." "Daddy made you your favorite, open wide." "The world is so fucked up." "There's only one thing I can do about it...while being paid." "Should I be joking at a time like this?" "Don't panic, call me." "Should I stop trying to be funny?" "Should I give away my money? NO." "I'm a special kind of guy." "I self reflected and I want to be an agent of change." "So I am going to use my privilige for the good." "So maybe I should just shut the fuck up." "I don't wanna do that." "I'm ___ and I'm here to save the day." "And yes they'll pay me, but I'd do it for free." "I'm healing the world with comedy." "If you start to smell burning toast, you're having a stroke or you're overcooking your toast." "Somebody help me out, 'cause I don't know." "And I want to help to leave this world better than I found it." "Welcome to whatever this is." "Trying to distract myself from putting a bullet into my head with a gun." "Pour me a drink and clear my schedule." "These 40 minutes are essential." "Say hi to dad." "And that's the deepest talk we've ever had." "Today we're gonna learn about the world." "I've been in a frightening liminal space between states of being. Not quite dead, not quite alive." "It's similar to a constant state of sleep paralysis." "The simple narrative taught in every history class is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist." "Don't you know the world is built with blood and genocide and exploitation?" "Private property's inherently theft." "Every politician, every cop on the street protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite." "Just don't burden me with the responsibility of educating you, it's exhausting." "I'm sorry, I was just trying to become a better person." "Why do rich people insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization?" "This isn't about you. So either get with it, or get out of the fucking way." "Have you not been fucking listening?" "I can't go...I can't go back. I'm sorry." "Are you going to behave yourself?" "Yes. Yes Sir..." "I learned my lesson and it hurt." "I come in and I put their fears to rest." "Tell them you're against racism -- in theory." "Will you support us in the fight against lyme disease?" "There's no sugarcoating it, the world is fucked up." "An avocado, a poem written in the sand..." "Is this heaven or is it just a white woman's instagram?" "It's been a decade since you've been gone." "Your little girl didn't do too bad." "Is that...is that necessary?" "Can anyone, any single one of you, just shut the fuck up? Just about any single thing? For an hour? Is that possible?" "Who needs a coffee 'cause I'm doing a run?" "I'm an unpaid intern." "And since you can't afford a mortgage, you just torrent a porn." "If you had told me this a year ago, I would've said 'Interesting, now leave me alone.'" "Look, I'm confused. I'm very, very confused." "Oh, if I'm self-aware that I'm a douchebag, it'll make me less of a douchebag." "Am I balding?" "This is really, really disturbing." "Amateurs can fucking suck it." "Fuck their wives, drink their blood!" "A handful of bug-eyed salamanders in silicon valley..." "Maybe that as a way of life, forever, maybe that's um...not good." "I'm...horny." "It isn't sex it's the next best thing." "Tonight I'm thinking of taking it slow." "We'll use emojis only." "We don't need phonetical diction." "We'll talk dirty like we're ancient Egyptians." "What if now you think that I'm implying your vagina is as big as a Ferris wheel?" "Crisis averted, thank god." "They made the internet for nights like this." "I love you, baby. Send a picture of your tits, please." "Jesus fucking Christ I guess I never learn." "My phone's flash is my only light and the flash makes my dick look frightened." "I chicken out and send a picture of my face instead." "My dick looks like the baby from eraserhead." "So I send it to you and then my phone dies." "One hand on my dick and one hand on my phone." "Another night on my phone, yeah." "I'm not feeling good." "All my clothes are dirty." "What's up you useless fuck?" "I haven't had a shower in the last nine days." "I'm not really feeling like I wanna get lit." "My current mental health is rapidly approaching an all time low." "Yeah, so um, yeah, not doing so great." "Do I really have to finish?" "Do returns always diminish?" "Did I say that right?" "I wrote offensive shit and I said it." "Times are changing and I'm getting old." "My bed is empty and I'm getting cold." "I'm problematic." "He's a problem." "Are you gonna hold me accountable?" "I'm gonna go home and burn it." "I've been totally awful." "And I'm really fucking sorry." "Bitch I'm trying to listen." "Well that's fine, you radiate such youth." "Yay." "Nooooooo!" "God...goddammit." "Oh yeah? Well your fucking phones are poisoning your minds, okay?" "So when you develop a dissociative mental disorder in your twenties, don't come crawling back to me." "My stupid friends are having stupid children." "I'll be 40 and kill myself then." "I just want to say for the record, um, that I do not want to kill myself, okay?" "Can you not, please?" "There are people that love y--I mean, that's not true, necessarily, but there could be." "Are you tired of it? Never mind, I don't want to know." "Welcome to the internet." "There's no need to panic." "Don't act surprised, you know you like it, you whore." "Apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime." "And that has made me completely freak out." "So, yeah, who fucking cares?" “Is it just me or do pirates need to take better care of their fucking maps?”

#rp meme #type: sentence #bo burnham #con: crack #emo: anger #emo: funny

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buzzykrueger · 4 years ago

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When Gon’s anger becomes a protective mechanism for Killua

IMPORTANT: The text is long, plus, I do not support Gon hate. He’s a human being and a kid, so don’t worry, none of my analysis will put him as a monster.

You know the theory that one of the reasons Gon shuts Killua out from Pitou’s fight, besides proving himself and erasing his guilt, is also to keep Killua safe? I didn’t understand at first, but I kinda agree with that now.

Remember the “YES I AM AN IDIOT” iconic scene, Greed Island arc?

Let’s talk about that and link it all.

They’ve spent half of the chapter 158 arguing because Gon kept insisting on meeting this “Chrollo Lucilfer” person inside the game, while Killua was trying to be logical, saying that this person wouldn’t clarify their reasons only by asking them. Killua eventually gives in, and after Gon uses the card, they travel to met not Chrollo, but Hisoka, who asks if they went all that way just to ask him a question (implying how dumb it was).

Gon says that’s pretty much their reason and Killua kept teasing Gon on his dumb choice.

But after some ping-pong teasing between them, the reason Gon was being stubborn is, actually, a concern that lights up on his mind with memories of his journey to rescue Killua from Kukuroo Mountain. Even blushing, Gon says that he was reminded of Gotoh’s words and was worried that both of them were being deceived.

Gotoh’s words were, exactly:

Be careful. And protect Killua.

This also adds to the character analysis - one that is very on point - that Gon being outgoing doesn’t mean he puts depth to analyzing his feelings. He speaks his mind, the problem is not to talk per se - but to put effort into understand his intentions behind those actions. He could say he was worried about them, but he doesn’t, because he speaks first and doesn’t think through what he feels. He’s yes outgoing, but impulsive, and very immersive into acting first, think later - or even thinking only when questioned, because it didn’t even crossed his mind. That’s why we see him talking but yet... it’s hard to know what is happening inside him aside from Killua’s common inner monologues. But maybe protecting Killua it’s so natural that he doesn’t even bother to explain. To think that he keeps Gotoh’s words and even mentions it after all this time, such a nice and gentle touch of how much he respects his bond with Killua.

Now, let’s get back to the CAA events. Specifically chapter 222.

A very shocked and distressed Gon was learning through Kite's attacks, but not to defend himself or parry. His painful attempts were all leading to dodge the punches and faints, so he could give puppet Kite a hug, and an apology.

Yes, he said terrible things to Killua - and of course wanting to protect him wasn’t the only reason. But he knew from the moment they first met Pitou, that they were dangerous. He wanted to deal with that alone, because it was “his mess”, so he shouldn’t endanger his most beloved one.

We know that this is a turning point for Gon’s development in this arc, because it is the moment where his resolve becomes tainted with all the guilt he is facing. It’s when he starts to lose himself, and Killua knows that, probably, nothing he says or do will convince Gon otherwise.

But what contrasts with the well-known harsh words towards his best friend, is that he never meant to exclude Killua from the whole situation. That's why he says "OUR fault".

Then, right after, he addresses Killua directly. Visibly starting to lose himself, he takes the responsibility to prove he's strong to fix it, but I think that due to his communication pattern, he might also mean that he’s want to fix it without endangering who he wanted to fight by his side under normal circumstances.

It’s an act that can hold both guilt and protection. He addresses only that one person in the room because he needs Killua to know that this isn't a normal situation, and that's why he can't bring him to this fight. It isn’t normal because someone dear to him got hurt really bad. It isn’t normal because his best friend, someone who would not think before putting his life at risk for Gon, shouldn’t endanger himself to the point he could face the same destiny, specially because this is Gon’s way to show he cares. Again, Gon just speaks his mind without much thought, with his intentions between the lines. His effort to put his feelings into words mixed with the suffering he is handling are, on his mind, overwhelming enough - but still he cared to speak directly to Killua. Could this be, again, another demonstration of not-so-well-thought feelings spoken with the first words that come to his mouth?

Wouldn’t make sense, after all of those demonstrations of Gon’s behavior when someone is endangered and he desperately wants to take control of the situation because he thinks this is the best way to protect them and to be useful, and with that, deserving of their company?

As Gon's communication is both simple (in words) and complex (behind the words), since he doesn't think through his feelings and he’s a stubborn child, it makes hard for others to catch his intentions, specially if they're already struggling to understand that they are not a burden. Because Killua’s mindset on making friends also includes the need to feel useful, just like Gon’s, but expressed through different means - and by being casted away fro Gon’s decision and later saving the boy in order to push him forward once again to his goal (alone this time), Killua thinks Gon has cut ties with him. as he couldn’t play a helpful role within Gon’s life anymore. So, this is how he reaches the rejective conclusion.

But the connection that I'm trying to make is that even thought Gon’s words were awful as the boy himself recognized, I truly believe Gon still wouldn't want Killua to fight even if he knew how his friend felt. But not because he rejected Killua or meant to cut ties with his “no longer useful” best friend.

Because Gon has stated already: Killua doesn’t have to earn his friendship.

Those harsh words during the Palace Invasion were an attempt to regain control of the situation, prove his worth in the middle of a mental chaos that he wasn’t ready to face. But still, what if he kept reminding himself that he must protect his best friend in the entire world and just couldn’t find a better way to say it? Because he knows Killua is capable of self-sacrificing, Gon tried to stop him before, and Pitou is terribly strong. If it’s hard for him to translate his feelings when he is calm and collected, the extreme condition he found himself dragged in would’ve just made this communication face more obstacles. Fighting his own pain - another thing he couldn’t translate for the sake of his own mental health - led to the words to come out like they were: heartbreaking.

So, I’m not saying that it was solely to protect Killua, but I think that makes sense for Gon’s character. And again, I don’t think he would agree that Killua would fight what he thinks it’s his battle alone. But, with his mind cleared and the right questions, he would've given Killua an answer. He would say that this is not about taking Killua out of the special place Gon has put him, but about Gon taking the the responsibility based on what he thinks it’s best for everyone. His feelings, either protective or hurtful, are only explained when he’s asked, because action speaks volume for him and he needs this trigger question to make him translate his intentions.

Just like in the Hunter Exam, he only tells Kurapika about how he felt with Hisoka because he questioned.

And in the Yorknew Arc, Gon didn’t let Killua hurt himself and was really trying to understand how the other boy felt. Gon doesn't communicate well but not because he rejects his feelings, and still, he cares about others’ feelings too. He was just literally out of his mind. So yeah, I think he cared for Killua safety, and if after all this time he made a connection between his stubborn acts and Gotoh’s words, it’s because - on his mind - these words and thoughts never leave his head. He’s constantly worrying about Killua, in his own way. But he couldn't explain something that he didn't put a second thought even for himself to understand. And it's not the first time, he acts very similar in these mentioned situations.

What all these stubborn oriented situations that I’ve mentioned, except for the one regarding Hisoka, have in common? He wanted to protect Killua.

He was undeniably wrong in saying those words to Killua, but it’s something acknowledged by himself already. He IS, by his nature, a protective kid, and under normal circumstances, Killua would be allowed to fight by his side because it has to be him. If it’s not going to be him, it won’t be anyone else. He can’t risk to lose him for something that he feels overly responsible. His words were rooted in pain, but the moment he addresses Killua that he would fight alone - a moment recollected by the latter in the hospital scene - shows respect for the one he has just lost, Kite, and the one he doesn’t want to lose.

Killua is the one who never left him, never discredited him and is irreplaceable. Killua is the first thing that comes up to his mind when thinking about meeting Ging. Who would have thought that Gon’s mind would reach so far into memories and hold so deeply someone’s words like Gotoh’s?

He was selfish. But it’s a childish selfishness, built on such empty expectations about himself that he ends up forcing on others what he believes that is the right thing to do, in order to keep others safe, no matter how bad he hurts his body... because when it comes to protect those he care, he loses respect on his self-care due to this low self-esteem of his. So, he didn’t ask Killua to “please, let me fight alone”, because he’s decided to not drag Killua into a fight he knows he might lose, and then Killua couldn’t be protected.

And makes sense, again, that Killua couldn’t read between these lines, because he also blames himself for everything that happened, and thinks his feelings and desires would only keep in Gon’s way - that’s why those words hit him so deeply, but the thing that hurts him the most was the sole fact that Gon fought alone. He can’t help but compare to the dodgeball, and like Gon, Killua has his own unhealthy patterns: since he only knows love through pain, when he’s prevented from getting hurt against his will, he fails to understand it as an act of love.

The bond they’ve established while playing Greed Island was expressed through dozens of symbolisms already well discussed among the fandom (Killua’s badge, the rainbow diamond, the famous line during the dodgeball game). And I don’t doubt that their encounter with Pitou held traces of the same protective pattern, but messed up by Gon’s internal struggle.

For the times Gon showed concern before, we can mention more expressive moments like the whole Zoldyck arc, when they were escaping from the Troupe, when Tzeseguerra said he’d endangered Killua or even when Killua got caught by some spell, etc, or we can even analyze his body language. Like here:

Before the date, Gon is indirectly protecting Killua in here, through his body language (Killua entered the room first, but Gon puts himself between them):

And after the date, while being punished for hurting her feelings, Gon screams at Palm when she tried to stab Killua, probably implying that he was observing and only interveins when she tries to hurt anyone other than himself - because he is, again, being stubborn and taking all the blame and control in order to redeem his actions and prove his capacity to fix things. I think it’s possible that Gon talked to her about Killua off curtains, or at least made an agreement about not involving Killua in her madness, but it it’s open to interpretation.

So, yeah, I can’t help but link everything to his pattern. He responds to the fear of losing those he loves with the same impactful devotion that is given to him, but it is so impactful that fails vocabulary and second thoughts. He knows Killua will be the first to risk his life if something happens or to prevent Gon from getting hurt during his tasks. Killua tends to sacrifice a lot and never complains while doing it, so I think it’s pretty much plausible that even when he can’t express himself at all, he’s worrying about Killua in the corner of his mind. Sometimes, just before our eyes.

Anyways, I love re-reading Greed Island arc and linking to their development through CAA because pretty much anything they do, they’re doing together, and they were bonding so beautifully. Their relationship was never so well-detailed before, but mostly for us, when they didn’t get much time to put in the balance how rushed their training was, and how fast they got attached to the point they can’t even stop thinking about each other while distant.

They look at each other like this:

They inspire this kind of reaction from others:

And there’s this one... nothing big, I just love it hahahaha

They’re in love each others’ top priority. It’s not impossible that Gon took Killua’s safety into matter, but his mind and words failed him, as he himself acknowledges that the only explanation to say those things to Killua is that “he doesn’t know what he was thinking”. Because, under normal circumstances, just like about letting Killua fight by his side, he would NEVER hurt Killua’s feelings. He IS protective. He didn’t have to rescue Killua from his own home - since Killua left for himself - but he still does it, instead of sticking to his main journey. And did not budge until Killua was safe by his side.

It’s a badly worded protection, because he doesn’t even know self-protection and puts action before everything. To figure a better way out of this pattern, he will now have plenty of time to find new ways to protect Killua and himself from the flaws of their dynamic. Their emotional attachment didn’t grow as fast as their fighting skills, but it doesn’t mean Gon is a monster, was malicious towards Killua or wanted to break his heart. I don’t even think he would reject Killua, but would explain the reason behind his decision in a reassuring way.

And finally, it’s so symbolic how Gotoh died and got replaced by a Kiriko - the same creature that translates Gon’s perceptiveness and how the boys are close. This way, they are still linked by Gotoh’s words through someone that mimics Gotoh’s appearance and also understands their relationship like the long gone butler. His words will never die.

And not to mention... how shoujo and romantic it is that Gon remembers the promise he made to Gotoh before he takes Killua with him? It is almost like a marriage proposal. That he didn’t forget, not even after all this time.

Do I think he would’ve change his mind on letting Killua fight? Not at all, and Killua couldn’t change his mind even if he begged, at least not without some patient mental work. This is Gon’s mindset on protecting someone. But like that time in Greed Island, under normal circumstances, Gon would’ve ease Killua’s worries directly or indirectly after some talking. And of course, it is not his job to guess Killua’s feelings, communication must be a two-way path. Killua waited for too long, and at that point, Gon was too lost in his grief and wasn’t able to measure his words. But I truly believe that, deep inside his mind, those words and that promise were still there, waiting to resonate if necessary.

And as @gallyl added so perfectly: Killua is alive and well, grieving on the hospital’s bench, trying to get a grip of everything he just experienced. Decided to give Gon a second chance, he’s now able to understand this message of love Gon has left for him: there’s so much he can do in life, that Gon simply doesn’t want him to die because Killua’s whole life was surrounded by death - and Killua’s greatest wish was to live like a normal kid. And this speaks louder to Gon than having Killua to himself in death. A love that is not selfish, and does not envy. Killua’s life is validated, and in return, he saves Gon and his sister, the ones he loves the most, and validate back their right to exist, to grow, to try again. Unconditional love. At first, he’s hurt and demands an apology. But it’s Alluka who reminds him of how love must be free to give and to receive - he should let his heart open for whenever Gon is ready to reach him again.

But now, the apology will matter.

And this is absurdly romantic. Not every sacrifice ends up in dying together to prove a relationship. They’ve made promises similar to marital vows, and not everything happened like they wanted, but they made clear to us that they’re not done with each other - as they refuse to say goodbye, and keep grammatical constructions like “for a while”, indicating a break, an interlude.

Their song is still playing, and their promises still exist as their split was never mentioned as something definitive, because preventing the other one to get physically hurt on your behalf and taking some time to think before you take the risk to accidentally emotionally hurt them too are both ways to show protection. Ways that they’re learning now, two boys who think they should get hurt to love and be loved.

#hxh #greed island #character analysis #meta #gon freecss #killua #killugon #chimera ant arc

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cyokie · 4 years ago

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Jack Vessalius as a Symbol for Depression

Ever since I first read PandoraHearts, I have interpreted Jack Vessalius as at least a partial symbolic representation of depression, especially in his relationship with Oz.

(Skip to “keep reading” to go straight to the analysis; this beginning portion is little more than a disclaimer.)

Jack is a complex, fascinating character, and it is precisely due to this that I believe any number of interpretations regarding him contain merit. Whether you view Jack as an abuser, a manifestation of mental illness, or an extraordinarily-written character that does not require a figurative understanding to be interesting, I think this is valid.

I am saying this first and foremost because I want to be clear: this is not a persuasive essay. I am not trying to change anybody’s minds about liking or disliking Jack Vessalius, nor am I trying to devalue any other interpretations of this extremely nuanced character. Some points may be a bit vague and connections disjointed, though I attempted to minimize this. Any discussion of mental illness and abuse is based on either my personal experiences or those of people I know. I do not intend to offend anybody.

This post is simply the product of years of disorganized yet in-depth thoughts about this concept. I hope some of you will be interested.

Major spoilers for the entire manga below the cut. Manga panels are from the Fallen Syndicate fan translation. This...is going to get very long.

Emotional Abuse

Jack exists within Oz’s mind. When these two interact, it almost always occurs within Oz’s head, providing every conversation with an inherently emotional and symbolic element.

Jack initially appears to Oz as an unknown but crucial figure. Whether he is trustworthy or even harmful remains to be seen, but his input is necessary. He is the only insight Oz has into his lost memories; he knows something Oz does not. Oz is suffering an identity crisis, realizing he has endured something he does not completely understand, something that could potentially change his entire life once he does understand it. And yet, this mysterious voice within his head understands it.

This desperation makes it almost irrelevant whether Jack is credible, whether his advice is well-intentioned. Normally a rather cynical and distrusting young man, Oz follows Jack from the beginning despite wanting answers. He does indeed receive answers, but they are perhaps not quite what he bargained for, in more ways than one.

Once Jack’s true nature is revealed, the extent to which he has used Oz’s memories and emotions against him becomes apparent. Jack does present Oz with new insights into his experiences, but he only ever provides Oz with enough information to convince him to act a certain way. He never willingly gives a fair, all-encompassing portrayal of an event from Oz’s past. He manipulates Oz’s perceptions of his memories to fit a particular emotional narrative, one that is inevitably perplexing and demeaning to Oz.

This bears a resemblance to the way depression warps how we view past events. When we look back at our experiences, we don’t see the entire picture--though we are convinced that we may. We see a skewed version of an incident that actually occurred. Perhaps this incident proves little to nothing about ourselves in reality, but viewed through the lens of depression, everything about it seems to scream that we are useless. And it is nearly impossible to try and perceive these events any differently, because when depression overtakes our minds, this perspective appears to be the only one through which it is possible to examine any of our pasts.

By the time Jack’s intentions have been exposed, he is also explicitly emotionally abusive towards Oz. It is easy to recognize Jack’s statements as not only psychologically damaging, but disturbingly similar to what we hear in our own heads when suffering depression. Think about these assertions without the very literal plot elements that support them: Jack declares Oz less than human, insists that nobody loves him, and claims that he has no future because the only thing he’s good for is hurting those around him. He convinces Oz that he is useless, hopeless, and worthless.

Jack drills these ideas into Oz’s head when he is at his most vulnerable. This is when Oz breaks down and becomes convinced that all of Jack’s statements are true. He is not who he thought he was; he never has been, and so his life is meaningless.

This is arguably when Oz reaches his all-time emotional low. While it was already addressed that he had been struggling intensely with his mental health and was probably suicidal, up to this point, he always retained some level of self-preservation (however slight). Now, he silently accepts that the world would be better off without him and offers no physical or emotional resistance to his own execution. Jack’s words worm their way into his heart and corrupt his self-image to the point where his only reaction to Oswald’s sword swinging towards him is a blank, unflinching stare.

Trauma Response

It’s not uncommon for Jack to manifest during catastrophic moments--that is, whenever a situation triggers (or comes close to triggering) overwhelming memories of Oz’s trauma. When Oz is losing control over his emotional and physical faculties, Jack often encourages him to make the trigger disappear using the quickest and easiest method available. Unsurprisingly, this method generally takes advantage of Oz’s extraordinary powers. In other words, the “tactic” Jack advises Oz to use is simply mindless destruction.

In the second half of the manga, Oz is at his least emotionally stable. It is not a coincidence that this is also the point during which Jack gains the ability to completely hijack Oz’s body. This development allows Jack to commit impulsive acts of aggression through Oz, while Oz himself retains little to no control.

Jack overwhelms Oz with unnecessary flashbacks to traumatic events and makes an excess of harmful connections between past and present circumstances. Oz’s panicked, distressed responses to this are tools he uses to further coax Oz into acting in a self-destructive manner. These tendencies may not only connect Jack to the concept of depression, but the concept of post-traumatic stress disorder as well.

Identity Crisis

Although Jack is introduced extremely early in the manga, one of the story’s main mysteries is the exact nature of his connection to Oz. This relationship shifts several times, especially with regards to who is “in control” and who is the true “owner” of the physical body.

Once it becomes public knowledge that Jack is “within” Oz, the identity of the former overcomes the identity of the latter in the eyes of the general populace. Figures who never before gave Oz a second glance begin to pay incredibly close attention to him; many directly address him through his connection to Jack rather than as a separate entity.

Oz is deeply troubled by the way others ignore him in favor of an aspect of his identity that he feels does not truly represent him--an aspect of his identity that is at least partially out of his control. However, he is also relatively resigned to being judged in this manner. He lacks knowledge of how to change this circumstance because even he does not truly understand the extent to which he and Jack are connected.

It is true that at this point in the story, Jack is practically worshipped. His destructive actions and devastatingly selfish nature have not yet been exposed. Because of this, Oz as Jack’s “vessel” is typically viewed through a positive lens. Still, this situation reflects how people with depression are sometimes reduced to nothing more than a mental illness by their peers. Because others do not understand (and mental illness is stigmatized), they start to see us as “different” in some indefinable but undeniable way, and our existence becomes that particular part of ourselves in their eyes.

As time passes, the line between Jack and Oz becomes more and more blurred. Questions are raised about whether they are the same person or, on the contrary, whether they are similar at all. At what is arguably the climax of the manga, Jack declares that Oz’s body is, was, and will always be his possession; he claims that in reality, there is no “Oz,” only “Jack.”

This thought haunts Oz intensely and sends him into a rapid downward spiral. Like the sentiments expressed near the end of the “emotional abuse” section of this analysis, the idea that Oz’s body belongs to Jack is backed up by rigid, literal plot elements. However, if we view this emotional catastrophe using a symbolic perspective, it is a representation of yet another common struggle endured by those with depression.

We come to ask ourselves who we really are. Was there truly a time when we weren’t “like this?” Could we truly escape this misery in the future? Who would we be if we were to stop feeling this way? Do we even exist without depression? Does Oz even exist without Jack?

Visual Symbolism

It is a classic literary device to represent hope through light and despair through darkness. The manga is rife with this exact type of symbolism, utilizing it to describe how the Abyss has changed throughout time, Break’s dwindling eyesight, and the oscillating emotional states of various characters.

As I stated previously, Jack and Oz interact almost exclusively within the latter’s mind. The landscape drawn in the background of these conversations initially possesses a watery, clear appearance. However, as it becomes increasingly clear that Jack’s presence is deeply damaging to Oz’s psyche, this same landscape becomes overwhelmingly tainted by dark, ink-like shadows.

Closer examination reveals that this “pollution” originates directly from Jack--and it reaches its peak once Jack’s intentions have been fully disclosed. Not only is Oz’s mind visibly corrupted by darkness, but Jack himself appears as an almost inhuman figure composed of these shadows.

There is another level of visual symbolism as well--namely, the fact that Jack becomes increasingly physically aggressive and disrespectful towards Oz. In the first half of the manga, he primarily speaks to Oz from a distance, occasionally reaching out a hand in his direction. This is clearly not so in the second half of the manga, at which point Oz begins to defy his influence and it becomes vital that he subjugate him as quickly as possible.

By this time, Jack is almost always seen either restraining or caressing Oz. Even in the latter situation, when his touches are lingering and vaguely affectionate, they are possessive and constraining. In other words, though they appear different on the surface, both actions are ultimately methods of forcing Oz’s submission. It can be said that this represents his desire to gain complete control over all aspects of Oz’s being, as well as his total lack of respect for Oz’s physical and emotional autonomy.

It can be argued that both of these aspects of symbolism reach their pinnacle even before this point. Oz realizes his own worth when Oscar says he loves him and reveals that his greatest desire is for him to be happy. When Oz is at last able to grasp that he is loved and there is hope within his life, Jack immediately reaches out to grab him. And in one of the manga’s subtlest but most poignant moments, his hand crumbles to dust upon touching Oz.

What follows is an extremely impactful display of Oz’s character development. He recalls Jack’s previous statements declaring his achievements worthless, denouncing the love he received from others as fake, and degrading his worth. Then he furiously rejects all of them, thrusting out a hand to push Jack away from him and consuming Jack in an explosion of light.

The conclusion to be drawn from this is that Jack essentially lives off Oz’s misery. When Oz understands and is able to accept that he is not worthless, Jack is suddenly rendered utterly powerless.

The manga culminates in a scene that coincides with this symbolism. This late into the story, Oz has succeeded in transcending Jack’s influence almost entirely, but Jack is not quite ready to let go. Though they stand together within a void, glimmers of light linger around Oz--despite everything, his life has come to be surrounded by hope and love.

As Oz floats towards the path of light above, Jack reaches out and takes hold of his wrist. But his grip is feeble and hesitant, representing how little control he truly holds over Oz at this point. Perhaps attempting to provoke guilt or regret, Jack asks Oz if he is certain that he is prepared to move on without him, but Oz has grown too much to succumb to this manipulation.

Without delay, Oz replies that there is no reason for him to stay, and Jack finally releases him. He escapes into the light--into a world full of people who care about him, into a life where he is happy to be alive.

#PandoraHearts #Pandora Hearts #Jack Vessalius #character analysis #Oz Vessalius #analysis #Cyokie's thoughts

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lexiwright · 4 years ago

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Night out

Benny watts x reader

I'm so so so sorry this to so long to come out. I had planned it to be out for new year and then I kept changing my mind so it may not seem like it makes sense apologizes, I'm also promptly moving tomorrow. I literally was told my parents couldn't handle me and my mental health anymore and am not getting kicked out just ( space for everyone ) so yea I'm feeling very low and just so no one wonders why the next one will probably take so long. I'll be living with my real mum who has her own issues too so we will see

Trigger warning - slight alcohol miss use. Slight drunken abuse (not from benny he would never.)

Some cuddles and fluff

Prompt - ”Can you please come and get me ”

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It had been a less than successful night. Your sure others wouldn't agree but you sat next to a gutter at the side of a very quiet road in front of a building of which merely hours ago you had been drinking aside friends in had drunk adults spilling from the door as everyone came and went.

Your arms wrapped tightly around yourself, you glanced around and spotted a payphone a little down the street. Pulling yourself off the ground and reaching for your bag you stumble your way away from the slow rumbling music that clung around the door from inside. It got distant and you fell into the booth.

You thought about how the night had started. The party had been on everyones mind for days. You were going with cleo and the boys. Beth was even gonna meet you guys there. Who was in New York for a few days, staying in a hotel a few blocks from the party. Although she didn't stay long, trying to keep sober.

You guys had got there around 11. In time for the beginning of shots being pasted around. Which you off course accepted. Kick starting the night with some vodka.

All went well for a few hours, by about 2 you'd put back your fair share of drink. And that's when it started to hit you. You weren't a stranger to the results of alcohol tho and kept going like it was nothing.

But apparently your uneven walking had caught the attention of some...less than pleasant individuals. They had tried talking to you before and you just ignored them. They had a look in their eyes that you weren't comfortable with so you didn't dwell on them.

But they had dwelled on you it seemed. They noticed as your balance had started to wobble. Quite possibly noticing when your words all slurred together. And definitely when you stumbled in front of them as you had unsuccessfully attempted to step past one of them. But there was no call for the man to grab you. And not in a way to help you balance. You told him to let go. But his hands had other ideas. You tried to pull his hands off of you and your not sure what happened next but he slapped you.

You probably did something wrong you thought. You always screw things up.

Some words were exchanged and you rushed out. Not after kneeling him in a not so nice place. he tried to grab you. Ripping the shoulder of your one straps. It was a cheap dress but now you had to make sure you help up the strap just in case.

You felt humiliated and your face hurt.

You found some money in your bag, next to some mint gum that you decided was a higher priority.

Benny hadn't come to the party. He thought it sounded stupid. And when you had stepped out of your room into the middle of the apartment he looked at you and snorted.

” what do you expect to get in that get up?” he asked suggestively.

You didn't think anything of it and giggled at him. But now you thought maybe it truly was your fault an that you seemed like you were asking for it.

Shaking your head to clear it of such thoughts. Which made the small booth spin a little but you stuck with it. Putting in the coins and trying to remember the right numbers for the house. You felt sick as you listened for the click of the phone being a answered and a harsh voice on the other end speaking.

”hello?”

It was Benny. Hopefully you hadn't woke him.

” Benny?” you whispered out. Realising you had to speak

” Y/N?” he questioned. Voice softening a little.

You twirled the cable as you stared at your shaking hand.

Your throat seemed to close up as you looked for the words. To explain how drunk you had got. To explain what the men tried to do to you. Why you hadn't come home yet even though it was now 3.

” Y/N what's the matter” he asked sternly.

Your eyes pricked with sudden tears and with a slight choke you sobbed out.

”Can you please come and get me ”

”what happened where are the others?” he seemed startled

” I don't know. I'm sorry. Please Benny.”

There was a split second of silence and then

” I'm coming to get you stay right where you are. ” and then another click.

You waited. Felt like a life time. You thought about a lot of things. Part of you was worried Benny wouldn't come. That he would leave you here. You struggled to keep your self balanced so you went over to a step and sat down. Put your head in your hands with your elbows resting on your thighs.

You sighed. Maybe you should find your own way. You sat up and ran your fingers through your hair.

It wasn't to long before a taxi pulled up in front of you and outstepped a slightly frustrated looking Benny.

His hair askew and a loose black shirt, he took a few long strides to reach you.

Looking up you giggled at how tall he looked. Sighing at your antics he held out a hand and began to pull you too your feet.

Wobbling considerably you made it to an upright position and with a long arm around your waist you stumbled your way to the taxi.

You some how got in. A testament to what a person would do to get away from a party.

You could tell he hadn't noticed your strap or face yet, you had concealed it well. Somehow.

Time didn’t work for you so you’ve no idea how long it took to get home. But when you did benny got out first to open the door for you and pay the driver.

Thanking the man. He shut the car door and watched for a second as it pulled away before turning his attention to the more presssing matter of the drunking idiot before him. Giggling at a joke he obviously missed.

He noticed your face. You saw the moment he did and he stepped closer. Enough to see the outline of a hand.

This was when Benny realised there was a little more to this story of you just getting blitzed as he, for the first time took in your appearance, clocking the strap you were holding up with your arms folded.

A hint of rage passed through him before he calmed and took your hand to get you inside. You were barely three steps into the building befor you asked

“How am I supposed to get down the stairs”

Slurring lightly.

He sighed. Not for the last time and leaned down to hoist you into his arms and proceeded with caution as he walked with you. You giggled some more as you wrapped your arms around his neck, hugging into him.

You were drained. And you wanted to sleep. Leaning your face into his neck you've never felt safer.

When he reached the bottom he placed you down gently and unlocked the door to let you both in. This time just holding you round the waist as you wobbled down the small set of stairs. He then pulled you to the sofa and sat you down.

After doing the usually after drinks things like water and getting you a jumper and some shorts of his he then sat next to you and spoke for the first time since you's had got in.

”are you going to tell me what happened?” he gently pushed. Not wanting to push you over the limit but he was concerned.

Your face fell and you nodded a little and told him very roughly but enough that he understood what had happened. He was angry, to say the least, but knew there was nothing he could do about the disrespectful toad roaming the streets. So he settled to offer you an open arm for you to cuddle into him. You of course jumped at the offer and snuggled into the warm man.

You didn't want to go to bed and Benny knew that. Knowing you'd not have the effort to get up and both being quite comfortable where you both remained.

You spotted a book on the coffee table and looked up at Benny with puppy dog eye that you knew he couldn't refuse.

” will you read to me?” you pleaded.

He chuckled and lent forward to retrieve the book. It happened to be the hobbit. ( I know it's not for everyone but I know it's written before Benny time so apologies please roll with it)

As he started to read chapter one an unexpected party and began describing the hobbit hole. You felt yourself begin to doze off to the soothing tones and his other hand rubbing soft circles on your upper arm.

It wasn't how the night had supposed to go but you were with him now and you felt protected. Knowing he came to your aid.

(with regards to the slap Yes I know this is a little unrealistic it lasting that long but I once got one that lasted a few hours ( I’m not being hit just to clarify it was a joke with some pals who one of them was telling me about a slap match to see how much he could take and the other we were with friend had really went for it and it was actually shockingly sore and my drunk ass went I can take it and he was reluctant at first and then went to go and did it before stating that was hadn’t been hard enough and went again even harder and it left quite a mark and we all laughed so ya. ) but just pretend if you don’t think it would )

#benny watts oneshot #benny watts x oc #benny watts fanfiction #benny watts imagine #benny #benny watts x reader #benny watts #queens gambit #thomas brodie sangster

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iamdarkness · 3 years ago

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Chapter two of To Feed a Tiger Forces of Will.

To Feed a Tiger.Forces of Will

Alfonse x Summoner, Alfonse X Summoner X Lif

And one sided (as of now) Dimitri X Summoner X Alfonse X Lif

Triggers for talk about mental health. It is Feral Dimitri after all. Mentions of death and depressive thoughts.

Sexual Harassment and maybe more than that.

Incest. (Freyr and mentions of Freya).

I thought about making my Summoner gender-less to fit all kinds of genders, but there is a part of the story where it becomes a necessity for them to be female.

A/N At the end of the chapter.

Chapter 2

Alfonse did not return that morning…

The morning after the meeting with Lif, when Alfonse was suppose to return passed and Sharena came instead. She said little to you, except that prince Hrid had come to visit Fjorm. Sharena and Fjorm left aster breakfast. They didn’t even take Ylgr with them and that was weird. You were suppose to go into town instead of Sharena that day with Alfonse to oversee the care for the refugees. You go to talk to Anna and learn she has gone with Sharena and Fjorm without telling you. Luckily for you Anna had left her most efficient Captain in charge and instructions. Zelgius is there to help too.

You decide to take one of the heroes with you to town and meet the soldiers and other heroes in charge of the operation there. First you go to both Robins and ask them to run things for you as planned with Soren so you can go.

You are about to go talk to M Grima and King Marth when F Dimitri comes from the direction of the tree house and asks to talk to you.

-Of course. Say! I am going into town and I may be gone some hours. If you want to come, we can talk on the way. I need someone of trust to accompany me.- He seemed to think about it.- I mean you don’t have to do it. I am just going to be overseeing the operation at the back of the warehouse as to not get in the way if I am not helping. I need to count the supplies and to asses what to buy and get for the next shipment.

-I see. I will go with you.- He says and you two take off.

You wait for him to open up to you and tell you what he said you needed to talk about, but he asks about the operation and then about the “Victory Gardens” where the heroes were growing the food. He tell you how relaxing it is to work on the fields and grow plants.

-Say, Dimitri. What did you want to talk about? -He looks sideways at you and keeps quiet a moment more.

-I… King Dimitri came to see me the other day. He came to offer me to work together in the fields with his companion Marth.- You can see that he had changed the subject, but this is good information and if he wants to share it, then it is progress.

-I see. How do you feel about that? Are you interested?

-Marth seems like a good person…he is good for Dimitri.

-Oh so you noticed they are together.

-I can see it in their eyes when they are together. I will work with them.

-Good. Just be careful with the bees. If you leave them be, they will not sting you, but some people just won’t leave them alone. Then they wonder why they get stung.

The whole trip to town went on like this. He would often ask you questions about your world and you try not to talk about difficult stuff and so you talk about music and how technology works and the difference between modern medicine, healing and magic. All in all it was a pleasant trip.

When the work was over it had taken you longer than anticipated and you had to get some food from the inn and eat it with him in a sort of picnic.

You were on the way back when you hear a yell of help in the fields by the road. You go to see if someone needs help but Dimitri stops you. He goes to find out and you stay on guard just in case. He tell you to run if he thinks you are in danger. He will make time for you to escape. Instead you hear him call out your name.

You go to meet him and find him looking at a woman who is fallen on the dirt by the road. Her belly is swollen and her face red from pain and strain. She is having contractions.

- Please, it is coming! Please help me! - She ask you and you kneel to her feet while Dimitri stands there shocked into silence.

-Do you live near? Do you want us to take you home or something?- You ask her while checking her vital like the healers taught you.

- No my hou….grrr…aaahhh- She is cut off by her yell and you take the this time to check under her dress. With the light of the afternoon sun you can tell the bay is indeed coming and you can see the crown of the head. There is no time to taker to the castle, as it is still far away. She won’t make it that far.

-Dimitri. Listen, the baby is coming and I need your help. You can say no because there will be a lot of blood and I don’t want you to..

-I will do it. What do you want me to do.- He had been standing looking lost at the woman, but now he was full on attention and alert.

-Help me stand her up and then let her use you as a support.-

-Standing up?- He asks while helping her stand. She also looks at you skeptically.

-It is going to be easier on her and the baby.- You tell him. He nods and help you stand her up.

-The baby will get better oxygen supply and she will not strain herself as much. That is what the healers taught me any way.- You say and you lie because you saw that somewhere on the internet, but they need the reassurance.

She finally stands up and he uses his arms in a kind of wide hugging position for the woman to hold herself steady. Meanwhile you take off your summoner coat off and ask her to breath as normally as possible through the nose and then let it out through her pursed lips as if whistling.

- Don’t push now! Wait for the pain of the contraction OK! Ready Dimitri?- You ask him and he nods. The contraction comes and the woman hangs off of Dimitri’s arms and body, pushing with all her might.

-Keep breathing! Don’t breath through your mouth!- You say leaning under her open legs. The head is almost out and you know you will need something to clean the baby once they come out. You see nothing and take off your blue shirt. Dimitri looks at you questioningly. Another contraction.

-OK let the breath out and PUSH! The head is almost out!- and indeed the head is out and you take the coat and lay it under the legs.

Another wait and the next contraction comes. You take the shirt and clean the baby’s face and nose of liquids and blood, and as she is still pushing a little of the shoulders can be seen now.

Another contraction and you help the baby by pulling at the the head and shoulders gently and carefully. On the next contraction the baby is completely out.

- OH! The baby is coming!- You are able to get the baby safely on the summoner’s coat. The baby starts crying loudly as soon as he is out. There is still some liquid and blood coming out and you remember the placenta is coming out too.

-You can let her lie down now Dimitri. Let me finish cleaning the baby. Congratulations! It’s is a boy! And by the sound of those lungs he is very healthy !!

After the placenta is out and the baby clean you have to check the mother for a hemorrhage. You check her pulse and it looks kind of low…wait is that normal?

-How long had you been waiting for help?

-I don’t know…a long time…my water broke and I… the sun… it was after midday.-So she was bleeding and dehydrated too…nice.

-Dimitri please lend me your cloak and wrap it around her. Can you please carry her? We need to take her to the healers at the castle. I will be caring the baby. Dimitri do me a favor and talk to her too. Don’t let her go to sleep. Here drink this water Mam.- You say that all smiling and give her your bottle of water to drink. It is a just in case but shouldn’t new mothers have higher blood pressure and faster pulse? She seemed cold and sleepy and it may have been due to her exhaustion but just in case you tell Dimitri softly to hurry up.

During the walk the woman seems to liven up and starts asking questions and answering them as well. She was actually the wife of one of the soldiers currently at the castle, and was walking back into town after coming to tell him the baby may be coming soon. The baby seems tried as well and you shush him and sing a quiet lullaby to help him sleep until she can breastfeed him.

When you get to the castle you tell the guards to send for the father and tell him to go to the infirmary. They probably saw you from afar because they were already waiting for you with a first aid kit and a stretcher. Dimitri informed them he could finish the job and take her to the infirmary himself, without wasting more time. All of this while still walking.

You are walking inside when Alfonse comes out running towards you with brows knitted and worried. He was about to say something but focuses on the bundle of bloody summoner’s coat on your arms and your state of undress.

-Alfonse! Look we had a baby!- You tell him excitedly. He looks confused for a second and then an indescribable emotion comes to his face. Yo notice your mistake and rewind. - I mean I had it. No! What am I saying? I delivered it! She had it and Dimitri was awesome!- Dimitri had kept on walking to the infirmary. You notice Alfonse’s eyes look moist and a little red now and you are about to ask him, what is wrong, when he finds his voice.

-What? What happened! They told me you came back all bloodied and carrying a wounded! I thought you had been ambushed!

-Oh we were coming back when half way through we heard her cries for help. She must have heard my horrible singing from afar heh,heh!- He made a face at that. He didn’t like when you made derogatory jokes about yourself. You were trying to catch up to Dimitri.- Dimitri went to see if it was safe or an ambush and he called me over. She had been there since after midday Alfonse! Was no one patrolling the road?

-I will find out. - He said in a cold tone.

-So I asked Dimitri to get her to stand so she can deliver it easier and he made such a great job of being her support! Of course she did all the hard work, I just caught the baby in my coat and cleaned it. Still it was awesome! Alfonse I think she is very dehydrated and I thought she may be having low blood pressure and that’s very dangerous.- He loos at you smiling fondly.- Sorry I am very exited if you can’t tell.- And you laugh. The baby starts crying.- Oh Alfonse ! See what you did? You woke him up with all the noise!

- What did I do?- But he sees that you are kidding with him and smiles.

You all enter the infirmary and they take the lady to a bed to check out. Alfonse stays out in the waiting area while you take the baby to the other healers to be checked out. Your coat is probably ruined and you are all bloodied. You go to the toilet and wash off the blood and return to be checked for disease as the healers told you. You never know what you can catch from blood. There is no HIV in Summit but there are always diseases you can catch from blood. They give you a spare gown to wear. They inform you that the woman was indeed very dehydrated and had lost a lot of blood as well. It was a good thing you had found her in time or it may not have gone right. The problem now was that she was not lactating and the baby needed feeding. The husband had come and was now trying to talk to the lady who was being administered some potions to replenish her blood supply and to help with lactation.

You check on Alfonse and he is talking to Dimitri. When you are about to join a healer comes out and asks to talk to you. The baby will need a wet nurse or two. In her state the mother would not be able to lactate as of now. She will need at least three days for the potion to take.

-we can search for one at town but it will be until tomorrow. We can administer a potion to someone to be a wet nurse for the night and the effect will wear off by the day after tomorrow.

You go through your list of heroes that have been mothers and may want to help and wonder for a while how cute it would be to see Lady Camilla nursing a child too. - I can send for Lady Mikoto and probably Arete? See if they can help. I mean I have never done this, but I can try if they are not available…I mean that is kind of a lot to ask of a hero…

They let you take the baby and he while they tend to the mother and locate a hero that may help or even a servant (most of them are older women who may not be up to the task). You wonder how it would feel to have a baby suckle at your breast. The baby starts crying. Here’s when a pacifier would be of great use! He sounds hungry.

<<Well….no body is here…>>

But do you use a finger or …

<<What the hell! No one is going to know. They will know….No one’s gonna know….how will they know… Here goes>>

It feels so funny!…But at the same time…can you imagine one of these, but yours and Alfonse’s? And look at that, he is quiet.

<<I mean, there is nothing coming out but at least he is quiet. Oh you poor thing!>>

-_______ Can I talk to you?What are you doing?- Alfonse…. Of course…At first he looks confused and then he can see part of your breast and his face turns redder than a tomato.

-Umm…They are looking for a wet nurse for tonight until they get one at town…I just wanted to know if I could volunteer…- You lie. You take the time to fix yourself but the baby starts crying again and you put the nipple back inside the little mouth.

-We have servants for that.

-Well he may as well use them, since no one else is!- Oh that sounded so wrong and it makes you laugh when he turns to you and makes a face of incredulity. You take this time to wiggle your eyebrows because you are already way deep and there is nothing else to loose and no one to save you.

-_______!- He covers his face with his hands and collapses on a chair. You approach him and stand with one of your legs between his knees. He looks up and the look he gave you, made you shiver. You feel like at any moment he will do something and you imagine yourself sitting on his lap while he kisses you, baby in arms and all. Instead he closes his eyes and turns away from you.

- I came to tell you Runa wanted to talk to you. She already talked to Dimitri.

-Who’s that?You can look, I covered myself.- He still will not look up.

-The child’s mother. You didn’t asked her name?

-I was a little busy telling her how to breath and push and the blood and you know. I forgot.- You walk away from him.

-________. I need to talk to you. Later.- He gave you a look that you only saw when things got very bad. In that moment you saw a lot of his father in him.

-OK.

-….I didn’t know you received training on aiding childbirth.- He asks, curious about it.

-I didn’t. I had good internet…umm I saw some videos about it and they looked interesting. You never know when you will end up using something like that. To be fair I never expected to use it. If someone had told me this morning this was going to happen I would not have believed them. It sounds far fetch to me. -<And now I had my breast inside a baby’s mouth in front of the man I love. How is that for far fetched?>

-You never cease to amaze me.- He looks at you with a warm expression and it makes you blush.

-_______! I heard….Oh! You are …. breastfeeding a baby…- Fjorm comes inside the room with a look of utter horror and then it turns into confusion and later to …. She looks at you again and her eyes water. - Nifl! I thought you were injured! I better tell the other heroes before they have a breakdown. You look…adorable…-She says and turns to leave. You can hear her crying. Oh crap! She didn’t even let you say a word. Didn’t even ask who’s baby that was. You chalk that up to her thinking she will not live long enough to have a baby and it makes you so sad.

You turn around to look at Alfonse and he is looking at you the same way Lif did last night. But why?

Sakura takes this time to come in and inform you they have a volunteer and she take the baby now crying his lungs out while you are left worrying about three people now seeing you “breastfeeding” a baby that was not yours…The ground could open up and swallow you and you would thank it.

Alfonse accompanies you to talk to Runa, who alongside her husband thanked you for your help. Runa had seen many of the heroes on the way in and does not know who Alfonse is and he did not want you to introduce him. That is until…

-My darling Brant is always talking about you and our prince. I remember seeing him once when he was a little boy and the royal family came when this was but their Summer retreat. He was so very cute! He must be a very handsome man right now.

-He is. I can tell you that I have met hundreds of people and heroes and he is by far the most handsome of all.- You say and know he is getting flustered.

- I never thought I would get to meet you in person Summoner ______ and here we are. Brant says you are so nice and clever and I think he came up short! Our prince better propose before one of those dashing heroes snatches you first.

You laugh at that and feel your face heat up. Brant, who was Runa’s husband was beet red looking at Alfonse who was also beet red. Sharena who was standing at the back started giggling.

-Nah they’ll return me in a week tops heh, heh,heh!

-That’s not what Claude would say, or Seth or Chrom or Leon. Oh and Zelgius…-Says Sharena in a singsong voice.

-Not every one is as patient as Alfonse.

-Well, I grew up with Sharena…- He said and turned to face Sharena who laughed harder at his red face. Runa seemed to catch up to what this meant and gasped.

-Oh Your highness! How could I not recognize you! Please forgive me I meant no disrespect.

-Please do not worry about this. Concentrate in getting better for your child’s sake. It was my fault for not being polite and introducing my self or my sister.

-Yes it was his fault don’t worry about it! I am princess Sharena and I wanted to congratulate you on your beautiful baby!How are you going to call him?- Sharena comes like the friendly and energetic girl that she is, and stands by the side of the bed. Runa is taken aback at the difference between the two royal siblings. She smiles and takes the princess’ hand.

-Thank you your highness! We thought about it and we will like to name him Dimitri like the prince of Faerghus who helped us today. We talked to him and he gave us permission.

-Dimitri! That is a beautiful name! I really like it. All our Dimitris are great warriors.

-Sharena I think it is time to let her rest. She needs to recover for the potion to take effect. -He says to Sharena; then turns to the new parents.-Congratulations to both of you. You have brought us the happiness we needed in these times of turmoil. Thank you. - Alfonse say in a solemn tone but smiling.

You all leave and Alfonse asks you to meet him in your shared study after dinner and you agree. This means Alfonse is not going to be present at dinner and so you take your food and take it to share it with Dimitri.

-Dimitri I wanted to congratulate you on your job today! You were great.-You tell him once you are done eating.

-My hands were awash with blood…but for once it was the blood of life, not death. It brings me peace and happiness. As if water had cleansed my dirty hands.- He says this, while he looks at his hands.- Is there truly forgiveness for what I have done?

-It is the miracle of life. I feel the same way. I am sure we can not only repent for our sins but also make up for them. This may be one way.- You take his hands in yours, but he goes to lay his head on your shoulder. He starts to cry and you embrace him and pull him to you. He needs this and you will be there for him.

-Let it all out. I am here for you.- You caress his head and hair like a mother to her child and he hold on to you like a lifeline.

When he lets go he tells you smiling that the family has asked him for permission to name their child like him.

-I feel happy about it, but I can not help but think…I do not want him to fare the same as I. At least he has good parents. I am afraid to not measure up to his expectations.

-Well. You are right about the parents. And he is way too young to expect something of you; except probably to carry him when he wants to be held. You got time to heal and grow… and become a good example.

-I will.

He left a little after that, but before he left he gave you one of the crystal necklaces to find the tree house. He trusted you enough to have you near.

You returned to your room and found Alfonse already in the study. It looked like he was drinking tea, but it was cold and forgotten. He had lit the fireplace even though it was not cold. He was watching the fire when you found him. His violin discarded on his desk.

-Alfonse? What is wrong?- Now that the excitement of the day was gone you could see clear signs of distress in the prince. His eyes looked red and tired. At first he tried to hide them, but he faced you with a sight.

-Sit down. - He tell you and you sit in the chair across from him.- When we arrived at the palace. Prince Hrid was already there along with Princess Leagyarn. The Queen was about to call us over when we sent her the message that we were coming to visit.- You ascent to tell him to go on.- I already gave my report to Commander Anna about this.

-It sounds serious.- He nods and still not looking at you.

-Both Leagyarn and Hrid report, there are rumors of war. Places left totally destroyed by unknown forces. There are travelers form different realms seeking refuge in Muspell and Nifl. They think this war is coming our way.

You gasp at that. Those are bad news indeed. You had enough problems with what had happened in the past. You were still recovering from Surtr for goodness sake! And you have Embla, to deal with.

- As you know our resources are not limitless and we need help. If this is true; it will be disastrous. The Queen and the other two royals have formed a council and decided to form a treaty…- There was a knock at your door and Alfonse just gave a tired sight and rubbed his face with his hands. You went to open the door to find Fjorm. She looked as tired as Alfonse and now you knew why…or at least part of it.

-May I come in? I…Alfonse asked me to be here for the conversation.-You let her in and she looked like she truly didn’t want to be there.

-I was just getting to the treaty.- Alfonse tell her without looking at her. She nods and sits on one of the chairs father way from both of you.

-Hrid...had the idea of cementing our treaty with a personal tie, not only of friendship but familial. He means a marriage of both our Kingdoms. Leagyarn did not need such ties. She trusted our word alone.- Fjorm flinches at that.

-Who…

-Fjorm and I are getting married…- He says with finality and Fjorm starts crying. He does not meet your eyes. You feel like the floor is sinking and thank God that you are already sitting down. The air is not getting into your lungs and are getting dizzy, but you remember to breath again.

-I’m so sorry _____! It is all my fault!- You hear Fjorm say between sobs.

-Wait…your fault? Why?…I thought you were in love with someone already! Was it him you loved all along? Did you do this behind my back?- You are crying now not only of sadness but anger of being betrayed by one of the people you like best. She knew you loved Alfonse .Fjorm cries harder and you can hear her apologies mixed up with her sobs.

-______ let her be. It really is not her fault. She sacrificed herself again to save us!

-Oh by marring you?

- Hrid wanted YOU! He wanted YOUR hand in marriage! He is angry at her now, for speaking out against it and asking to marry me instead. She is in love with you. Can’t you see!- Alfonse says waving a hand towards Fjorm. There is anger in his voice.

-What? Me? Why?

-What do you mean why? For the same reason Claude loves you, Corrin , Eliwood ,Camilla, Lif and I and now Hrid.- He stands and start pacing around the room. He could have gone on with the list because he thinks every hero loves you as he does.

-Hrid? He doesn’t even know me. We’ve seen each other only a couple times! That is not love!- It is true he comes to see his sisters twice a year and stays a couple of days, but he usually spends the time with his sisters at town, or at the resort. You welcome him and have dinner with him and the heroes, but that is it.

Alfonse stops walking and looks at Fjorm and when he sees that she can’t stop crying he explains.

-Fjorm writes to him constantly and has told him everything about you. What you do, how you do it, what you say and even how you sing. He sees you through her love’s eyes and now fancies himself in love with you. She …volunteered to marry me, because she knows she will die and then…- He could not finish the sentence. You look at Fjorm. She avoids your eyes and covers her face with her hands. You go and hug her. She flinches a little.

-Please forgive me…I …the shock did not let me think strait.

-It is my fault! Please don’t hate me _______. When I die he will be free.

-Fjorm I don’t want you to die! And I don’t want to think about you dying so I can be with him! There has to be another way!

-We have tried to talk our way out of this, but there is no…

-Hrid is a good man _____. He just thinks that if you two are not together he may have a chance at winning your heart. And _____, he will not relent. I know him.

-Doesn’t he know he is hurting you as well?

-He doesn’t know I am in love with you. He thinks the one I love is Alfonse and I am taking advantage of the treaty to marry him. -’Just like you had though’ she doesn’t say. That must have stung quite a lot coming from you.- There is no convinsing him of the truth. I know you don’t love me the way I do, and never will, but you have given me so much that seeing you happy made happy. I did not want this for you. I didn’t want to hurt you, but if you marry my brother, he will never let you go and then you will never be happy with Alfonse.

- I see…

-There is going to be a ball in two weeks to make the engagement official. Hrid will be there to…- You see Alfonse’s ungloved hands tighten. The knuckles are white with strain and it may be a trick of the light but you can see a line of red coating the white skin.

-I should go now.- Says Fjorm still in your arms and stands up to leave. You walk her to the door and she opens it.

-Please forgive me. Jealousy is the worst of feelings and it turns us into monster. I should not have reacted that way.

-It is my fault. I never said anything. You probably thought I was following you around all this time just for him, when I was actually there for you…At least Eir thought so. She confronted me once. I had to tell her the truth.

-To be fair I always thought you were doing research like us, when you were at the library. Are you going to tell her about…- You could not finish. She just nodded, said her good night and left.

You were left alone with Alfonse. The man you love, but are too afraid to face now. It is strange but, even though you know he will marry another, there is comfort in knowing he loves you still. You only have to find a way to save him. < Yeah! Like I saved Lif right?>

You enter the study and find him leaning on the chimney mantle. You had hugged him before in friendly terms but you have never been this bold to initiate such intimate contact. This time you stand behind him and embrace him; leaning your head on his back. He takes your hands in his.

-I love you Alfonse.- he makes a strangled noise at that and tightens his hold on your hands. You can’t help but cry your self.- I will wait for you. I promise.

-Fjorm sees herself dying any day now…but I can’t help but think about her surviving all this years…and I hate myself for it. I will hate my self for waiting and her for living…and yet I can live with that. The thought of you marring another is what drives me insane.

-I will wait for you. Or I can be your mistress…

-No! I will not do that to you. I will not stain your honor that way. You have no idea how the people here treat …no.

-(sigh) Honor…what use is honor if it does not bring me happiness…but I understand you. I know it looks like I don’t care about what people say about me, and I don’t, but I care about what they think about you.- You close your eyes and take a deep breath to take courage for your next question.- Can I at lest have you once?

-If I touch you…I will not be able to stop my self… I will not be able to leave you. It is already …I think it is time I move my chambers somewhere else. Go to sleep. We will talk tomorrow.- He lets go of your hands and move away.

You go to your room and close the door of the study. Your heart is broken and his refusal had stung, but you also know him enough to know how he deals with heartache. He is suffering more than you in this and he will suffer more still, having to be married to a woman he doesn’t love and who doesn’t love him back. A woman he is clearly jealous of.

Of course you could not sleep that night but a fitful couple of hours. Especially because you could see the light of the fire in the study and a shadow pacing around outside your door. You wanted to go out and end that torture, but you also understood him. Getting closer now would only complicate matters and make it harder in the end.

Maybe it was fate that you had fallen in love with the same man twice and lost them both. Fate may be telling you, happiness was not for you. About some hours before day break you hear a violin begin to play. It was your favorite piece.

The melancholy melody reached you and your mind wandered to the times he had played for you when you told him you could not sleep. Perhaps he knew that like him, you were not sleeping. How could you live without him? He was your other half. Loosing him again will be like loosing part of yourself. You fall asleep to the sound of his pain. (1)

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Hours later you get up to go to work, you can’t hear anything in the study. You open the door with a bit of trepidation and find it empty. The door to his room is wide open, but there is no sound inside. You think he may be sleeping, but after a quick look, you find the room empty.

You go to the dining hall and get something to eat. You are not hungry of course, but there is a long day of work ahead of you and getting sick will only make it worse. Before going inside, you fear to face him again, and even more in front of other people.

-Hey Boss! Do you know what’s wrong with the prince!- You turn to look at the sound of the familiar voice, but find not only one Claude but two. Double trouble stand there looking at you and the younger of the two whistles.

-You look worst than him! Did you have a party last night?- This earned him an elbow to the side by King Claude.

-Yes Claude. I went to a rave. You found me out.- I say flatly.- You saw Alfonse?

- He was going to the library, but he looks sick. You are not getting sick are you? Is it contagious?- He asked concerned.

-No. I just couldn’t sleep. You needed him for something?- They look at each other for a second and young Claude nods and excuses himself to go have breakfast. Having these two together is a wonder. They do this thing where they have whole conversations with their eyes and it is scary to watch, knowing how smart and mischivious they are.

-You had a fight?- King Claude asks quietly, eyes not straying from yours. You know he can read you like an open book. He hums a little and say.- We were tasked to let him, and you now there is a meeting in two hours. Commander Anna and princess Sharena look almost as bad as you. Is something going on?

-Perhaps… Yes. I will let you know when I find out all the details.- You tell him. He is resourceful and know he will eventually find out and you will need his sharp mind to make plans any way.

-Did you cheat on him with Fjorm?- He say it jokingly and you look at him with a “TF you mean?” look, but you also wonder why he even mentioned Fjorm.- You know that lady is in love with you right? I consider her my strongest opponent by the way. Sturdy and strong.

-Claude…why do you even say that?

- Well, when we were going to give him the message; we found him arguing with Fjorm. She came and said something to him and he looked ready to kill someone. You know that growly thing Lif used to do when he was actively trying to kill us?Well just like that. He went storming into the library. Fjorm looked ready to cry. I give her props for not running away. That’s why my girl is my strongest opponent.

-Did everyone know about Fjorm but me?

-Yep. You do know about me right? Please tell me you do; because I don’t know how else to..

-Yes, Claude I know about you.- You smile at him.- And believe me when I say, that if I had not been Summoner here and had met you first. It would be very different. I would be crazy in love with that wit, those gorgeous green eyes, that astute mind and personality…Oh that sense of humor too and you would probably not even look my way.

-I do have beautiful eyes, don’t I. (sight) Not as beautiful as Alfonse’s I suppose- He said teasingly. You can’t help not going along with his sense of humor. He was trying to cheer you up, so you smile at him and punch him lightly on the arm.

You went together to have breakfast and then you ask the people working the kitchen if Alfonse had come to get food. He had not and Sharena confirmed he was still in the library and didn’t want anything.

You think of taking him something, but at the end you just get an apple and some cookies you stole from the kitchen.

You get to the War Room and Anna and Sharena are already outside. They greet you but they don’t meet your eyes. Alfonse is already inside looking at the giant map of Askr and the surrounding lands that is carved on a stone table. You go near him and put the apple and napkin with cookies in front of him. He did not made to take it.

-Don’t make it worst by getting sick.- He sighs, takes them and start eating them. You sit in one of the chairs by the high stained glass windows, take out your schedule for today and start making plans.

-You look better today.

-If by that you mean, I look like I couldn’t sleep until you started playing, then yes. Thank you, by the way.- He nods but does not say a word. You feel like you are talking to Lif. Which tells you just how hurt he is.- Are you researching on who you think is behind the attacks?

-There is too little information to do a proper research.- He answers after finishing the apple.

- Could it be one of the realms from the Norse folklore? We already fought some of them. I can talk to Freyr and ask him what he thinks about this. He may even dream of something.

- Perhaps.- He say simply. You are getting flashbacks of the days when you had first arrived to Askr and he would only answer with these kind of sentences. You can’t help to sigh and he just looks sideways at you, but doesn’t elaborate.

Anna and the rest started coming in. Ten minutes later Anna starts the meeting that turned out to be just an announcement since there were people missing.

-We will be having a meeting today at around six. The Royal Army Generals are coming. _______, I have a list of heroes I need in the meeting and I leave whoever you think should attend as well to your discretion. Here.- She hands you a list with names.- The King of Nifl and Queen of Muspell will be attending. - You look at Alfonse and he is looking at Anna intently but you can see he is doing that jaw thing he does when he is angry. Sharena is looking down at her feet.- They will be here two days and we need to be on our best of behaviors and safety. They will be arriving in three hours tops.

Hrid.

Two days.

Now you understood why Alfonse was angry at Fjorm. She must have told him, Hrid was coming.The meting only lasted a few minutes while she gave the officers and heads of staff their orders.

As soon as the meeting was over, Alfonse went out the door but was stopped by Delthea who was asking for you. He pointed you out and you wondered what was wrong with the bright magician.

-Summoner! Someone spiked Freyr’s drink and he is drunk in the infirmary. He won’t let anyone touch him. Natasha wants you to go and see if you can help them out. He keeps saying he wants to talk to you and go to the beach.

-Seriously? Do you have any idea who it was? Wait …Why was he day drinking at this our? It’s like 8 in the morning!- She shrugged. You rub your face out of frustration.- God! Why no one told me I was going to be babysitting grownup heroes that behave like five year olds? - Delthea started giggling and you noticed Alfonse had stopped to listen to the exchange. He came close and said.

-Take the morning off after you let the heroes know, they are needed. You need the time off Summoner.- Even Delthea stopped giggling. She looked at him and then you, like she was expecting something bad to happen, like kids do when their parents argue in front of them. -Just be sure to be here for the meeting and dinner. His highness will want to see you as well.

-I do not think that is prudent, there is a lot to do. Besides you need rest as well.

- I have stuff to do- He turns to leave, then adds without looking at you.-…But summoner, Do go.

You see him leave and after those cutting words you feel empty inside. You take Delthea by the hand and start to go towards the infirmary. It seems so impossible that you had been there just yesterday, full of joy and happiness and it feels now like a lifetime ago. It is enough to make you cry but not in front of Delthea.

-______. The prince…

- He is going through a lot right now Delthea.

-Is it because of his marriage to Fjorm?- She asks biting her lip.

-What do you know about that? How?- You stop to look around to see if someone is around to listen to your conversation.

-I heard Fjorm telling Eir about it. I was looking at this book I found in a secret compartment under one of the bookcases in the library.- She shows you a blue book with golden runes and a set of locks on the side.- They couldn’t see me and they started talking and I didn’t know It was a secret.They are both very sad. Eir promised Fjorm to help her find a way to get off the marriage and not make you marry Fjorm’s brother. Is he the one coming today? Is that why Alfonse wants you to go to the beach? You know Fjorm is in love with you right? I think Alfonse is looking for a way to not marry Fjorm as well and that is what he is doing in the library.

<<WTF?>>-I see. How did you know about Fjorm?

-You can’t see the way she looks at you?- She rolls her eyes.- Just like Chorm and Claude and Leon…and his demon -She made a face- Oh and Xander.-You look at her questioningly- Sigbert told me. That is why he stutters when he talks to you. Oh Dimitri!

<<Dimitri??>> You think, because King Dimitri has Marth, Savior Dimitri has Byleth and Student Dimitri has a sweetheart as well. Then you look up and see she meant “Feral” Dimitri is coming your way.

-____ are you going to the infirmary?- You nod yes.- May I accompany you?

-Of course! Are you not feeling well?- You ask concerned and make sure to remember not to burden him with your issues and give him your best smile, just like the one you will have to give the kids.

-I...-He lowered his gaze- I want to know how…the baby is doing.- He said a little embarrassed.

God this man is so sweet, you have to wonder just how much he had to suffer for him to be turned into what you saw of him earlier.

-Oh I see. So was I,but now I need to check on a Dream God, that someone got drunk.

-Do you need help?- He asks concerned.

-I am not sure, but he is…he has touching issues and I am guessing it is because of his sister.-He looks confused.- Dimitri… no matter how bad thins get, remember that at least you are not trying to bang your sibling, without their consent.

-What does that mean?- He asks in a small voice. Delthea starts giggling. Of course she knew what you meant.

- His sister is in love with him and was actively trying to…you know… marry him…- You finished awkwardly.

-What?…I suppose I understand why he would not want to be touched by people.

- And it does not help that he is very attractive. This is why he always wear loose tunics.- Seriously the first time you saw him without that tunic, it was shocking! That man is a God…well literally as well, but still. Dimitri just nods and keeps walking at your pace looking sideways at Delthea who was trying hard to open the blue book.

-Where did you get that book any way? What is it about?

-Umm. Well last week I was hiding from Luthier, because he wanted me to finish my homework and I hid in the bottom shelf where there were no books, and I saw this crack in the shelf on the bookcase next to mine, and it had a spell on it right? So I waited until Luthier went looking for me somewhere else, and tried to undo the locking spell. It was an old spell, but like easy to undo, and the book was inside it. I just can’t open it. I has this spell I can’t make out.

-Delthea,maybe it is a cue for you not to mess with it. It may belong to someone already. It may give you tentacles or something. Wait! Alfonse can translate those runes! I have seen him do it. It is some dead language we have encountered before. Why don’t you see if he can open it or knows what it is?

-Oh! Yes!….But what if I get in trouble?

-Tell him I sent you, because I wanted to know what that was and Delthea…Can you do me a favor?

-Of course _____

-Can you see what he is researching and try to help him? He is very intelligent, but sometimes people need another fresh mind to find the answer they are looking for.

-OK. I’ll do it. I want to help you with...- You shake your head slightly and widen your eyes so she would not say a word about the betrothal in front of Dimitri. She understood.- his research.

-You can do that once we come back from the beach.

-No. You go, but you can please take my brother! He needs to go out. Deal?

-Deal! Now go and tell Luthier, I need him to come help me with Freyr and that he can take whoever he wants to come with us. - She nods and starts running towards the library. You turn to Dimitri- Hey Dimitri. After visiting the baby I am taking Freyr to the beach. We are having some guests tonight and I need some relaxing time beforehand. Want to come? You don’t have to answer now. Think about it. I also need to run some errands before we take off. -He nods and opens the door of the infirmary.

You both go inside and ask him if he wants to go with you and go together to visit the baby or go by himself. He decides to wait for you outside the room Freyr is in. Brady informed you he had calmed down when they told him you were coming, but he had been very dizzy, could barely walk and had not wanted anyone to help him on the bed. He had also not wanted to tell them, whom he though had spiked his drink.

- Freyr? How are you feeling?- His eyes were open. This was bad.

-______? I feel dizzy. I need to go…

-We are going to the beach Freyr. Who spiked your drink? Do you know?

-Freya.- He pointed to the night table where a pitcher of water was placed. You go and take it to smell and …-Do not drink it. It is a potion for deep sleep.- Indeed the liquid did not smell like alcohol. He was not drunk, he was fighting sleep. You were going to ask him why he thought Freya had done this if she was dead, but then so was him and you had called him fro the dead.

- I swear your sister is like Freddy Kruger! This is bad! When did you see her?

-This morning I was dreaming… having a pleasant dream. When a nightmare came to me. I saw your sadness summoner. Then she came to me, and said we would soon be together, now that she had come back to me. I tried to wake up and could not. She came near me and I could not move. I woke up when I heard Peony knocking on my door. She had sensed something, but she could not see her or feel her. I could barely stand and she helped me get far enough to come here. I sent her to look for anyone who could have penetrated our security.

-I need to tell Anna bout this…But first I need to tell Brady if he has something to fight the sleeping potion.

-Don’t go.

- I am not going anywhere Freyr.- You open the door and ask Dimitri to please go get Brady or any healer and to bring something to fight sleep. Then you go and stand by Freyr’s side to talk to him so he can stay awake. You ask him what the dream he had about you was about, but he did not want to elaborate.

-You know Sir. It is not my place to tell you this but; have you though of maybe marring someone to see if she gets the idea?- He looks at you and actually smiles.

- I have…but I find my self in the predicament of being in love with someone who does not love me back.- Suddenly his smile fades and he continues.- Can you imagine the calamities my sister would rain upon my beloved?

-Oh yes. I surely can. I am so sorry to have intruded. Please forgive me, I did not meant to hurt you.- He sighs, extends his hands to you and asks you to sit on the bed by his side.

- Do not fret ______. It is an obvious question. I should have ended this madness a long time ago, but the love for my little sister blinded me to her misguided pursuit, until it was too late to change.

This conversation gave Brady time to come. He knocked on the door and came in with Dimitri and a young Leon in tow.

- Lord Freyr, _____; I have here a potion that may counter the sleeping potion you took.- He gives Freyr the bottle and picks up the water and smells it.- Leon said he gave you the whole bottle, if you hadn’t been a god, you would be dead, even with one fraction. This is our strongest sleeping potion. Used for surgeries.- You look at Leon who is currently looking down at the floor.- Take all the bottle Lord Freyr, if you feel uncomfortable you can come see me later. _________, please don’t be hard on the tike. It ain’t his fault.- Freyr took the potion.

-What happened Leon?- You asked him in a soothing tone. How can you be mad at him? He is a good boy and was probably tricked into doing this.

- He told me to do it.-He pointed at Freyr. Everyone looks confused except Brady.- Well it wasn’t him I guess. I had a dream for two nights and he was crying, because he could not sleep. In my dream he kept asking me for help. He said he wanted to see his little sister and he needed a potion for that but he could not ask for it, because he did not want to worry you _______. He said not to ask him in real life so it would be our secret. He told me where to get it, and to just put it in his water when he was not in his room so no one would know. So I did what he asked...but now that I think about it; his horns looked different and he had a big ugly mole in his nose.

Freya.

If this had not been as serious as it was, it would have been funny. Freya was so self conscious about that mole… but also that mole was the root of the whole damned problem. Leon looked worriedly at Freyr, which was still looking at him with open eyes. Freyr smiles at him.

-Do not be afraid child. I hold no ill intent toward you. You are innocent. I know my sister well, but I confess I am shocked, by her tricking a child to do her wicked work.

Freyr felt better and now could close his eyes and sleep as he always did. It was worrisome that Freya was back, not only because of the sick obsession she had with her brother, but because it meant someone had revived her.

You send word to Anna about the incident and she comes to talk to Freyr and you. After this you, Dimitri and Freyr ( who probably does not want to be alone), go visit Runa and her baby. You had a good talk, you got to hold the baby and Freyr gave him his blessing. Runa could not believe she was in the presence of one of the ancient Gods.

After sending word to the heroes that need to be in the meeting and King Claude who you think needs to be there as well, you take the stuff you need and pick up Luthier to go to the beach. Dimitri ends up going with you.

It was around ten when you got there. Double trouble decided to come along to Dimitri’s chagrin, but thankfully young Claude decided to befriend Luthier. Young Claude took it upon himself to teach him how to make friends and charm the ladies. Meanwhile, King Claude was mostly talking to Freyr, and Sharena, whom Alfonse had sent along to have fun, but had done so just after he had learned K Claude was coming along.

-Here Lord Freyr I got you a pineapple the way you like them. Do you want me to check it first?- You tell the silver haired man. He shakes his head slightly and and takes it from your hand.

- Thank you _______. I can do this. I never did this before because I had no reason to do so, she had never been so bold as to do these king of wicked deeds.

- I am sorry I can’t protect you more efficiently. I will go and do some research at the library to see if I can find something to help you. Physical barriers and security is something, but the mind and dreams are not easy to deal with.- Just how far had his sister gone before Peony had woke him up? The way he behaved this morning…you did not want to think about it, but you were sure he needed therapy after that.

- I can put up shields in my mind to do so and now that we are aware she is back, it will be easy to detect her presence in dreams.

King Claude took the opportunity that Dimitri was still getting a coconut for you and himself to come and talk to you.

-Hey ______. I just noticed something. This Dimitri...Byleth choose Black Eagles and…

- Claude I swear if you tell me not to bother with him, because he is going to die; I will slap you silly.

- What? No! That is not it! In fact I wan to help you get him ready to win! After all the other me in his world may die along with him; and he will need someone like me, to teach him to charm his way into getting more allies! What I wanted to tell you, is that I have been talking to some of the other heroes that had different destinies and I understand that This Dimitri still has both eyes. He wears the patch but he still has his eye intact. I thing it was kind of like his sense of taste, maybe? I remember you telling me, when we first met that Dimitri had lost it either because he had had some physical trauma, or it was psychological. If it is the later he may recover it; just like King Dimitri started tasting certain foods after he started being such “good friends” with Marth.

- Son of a witch! Seriously? Look, let me find it out. I just need to find the right time to do it. I don’t want him to get flashbacks or something. Oh and Claude you are a frigging genius! And a good man to boot! Thank you!- You hug him.

- Do I get a little kiss as well?- He asks laughing and you can hear Freyr laughing too. You kiss him in the forehead. - Well that’s better than nothing.

You can see Dimitri coming back in the distance with Sharena to his side. When they are near, you can see him looking sideways to the princess with a knitted brow. It may be because she is not her usual bubbly self. He asks her something you can not hear and she looks at him and smiles, but shakes her head.

When they get to where you are sitting by Freyr and Claude Dimitri is furrowing his brows and looking intently at you like searching for something. You take this time to evade any questions or suspicions and distract Sharena with something fun by asking then if they want to build a sand Castle.

Freyr and Dimitri have never don this and are instantly intrigued by the idea. Sharena perks up instantly and Claude proceeds to make it a competition and proclaims that his team consisting of himself and Sharena will win. You are left with Freyr and Dimitri who looks with trepidation at the items used to make the castle. You would think they will bite him, but understand it is his fear of breaking them, what is bothering him.

-The point of this is to have fun Dimitri. You can use your hands and items to do it and if you don’t want to use the pail or shovel it is perfectly alright. First you go and get some shells and plants and stick or stones that you find on the beach to make the castle look better.- You ere picking up shells and pebbles when Young Claude and Luthier come back and make their own team, when you tell them about the sand castle competition.

Watching both Freyr and Dimitri so invested in their work really made you happy. They looked so carefree, it almost made you forget about Alfonse’s engagement. Luthier also looked happy and it looked like Claude, as other extroverts do, had adopted Luthier.

-Mister Sandman! Give me a dream. Make him the cutest that I’ve ever seen!- The moment the soft words of the song came out of your lips, Freyr looked at your smiling face with open eyes and smiled himself. - Give him two lips like roses and clover; and tell him that his lonesome nights are over.

When you reached the part with “lots of wavy hair…” You could hear Claude shout “Someone wants gorgeous wavy hair?”.

-You know she meant blue and gold! - Young Claude said and threw a shell at his older counterpart. This earned them a laugh from everyone. Even Dimitri gave his quiet laugh. Well everyone except Sharena. She was looking down at the sand castle.

-Maybe we do need a nice dream. Would you like to take a nap in the sun? -Asked Freyr softly.

- I can watch over you while you take a much needed nap.- Said King Claude. You agreed to do it after you finished the sand castle competition, which young Claude and Luthier won. The winners went to celebrate their win at the drink stand. You told them not to drink alcohol.

Sharena agreed to take that much needed nap. You all were very used to not getting enough sleep by now, but somehow the stress of the situation was even greater, than some of the battles you had fought in.

You lay on a blanket between Freyr and Sharena; and Dimitri chose to lay down on a reclining chair next to Claude who was going to remain awake.

You have the most wonderful dream in a while, and by the time you woke up, you felt like you had slept for days. (2) You felt so well rested you did not notice the sting on your skin, not did you notice you were tightly hugging a very firm body and being tightly hugged in return by someone behind you. That someone was still snoring right in your ear.

-Had a nice dream huh Summoner?- Came Claude’s voice from behind you. You could hear the laughter in his voice.- I think you forgot to put on sun blocking lotion.

-What do you …-Now you felt it. You were laying on your side and so only one side of your body was an angry red. You then notice the firm body you were hugging was Freyr who was smiling in his dream. His chest was just as red as your left arm and the left leg you had over his.- Oh Fudge!- You say trying to disentangle yourself from him, but an arm around your waist prevents you from moving. You turn around and see Sharena’s face about three inches from yours. You both are lying on Freyr’s arm. After taking your arm from his chest you notice it leaves a tan line with its shape.

-Sharena! You are getting sunburned!- You say trying to move her arm. Half her face is red and you suspect your face fares the same. She opens her eyes and smiles broadly at you.

-______!! I had the most wonderful dream! I….Ouch! Hey I got sunburned! How did that happen I got the lotion on!

-So did I, and Freyr as well, but I probably look like Neapolitan ice cream!- You tell her and point to Freyr who is sitting up by now.

-I count my self lucky, and this mistake worth the fun and happiness. -He looks down and smiles at the mark of your hand on his chest. He was moving his left arm and you were sure it was sore after all the time you and Sharena had been laying on it. God that man was a saint. You look around to find an umbrella over Dimitri who is still asleep. You look over at Claude who smiles at you.

-They only had one, and I rather not have a very sore and angry Dima on our hands when he wakes up all red and in pain.- He gave you an apologetic look.

- It’s all cool Claude. I rather he doesn’t suffer for it at least. I wonder why the lotion didn’t work?

-Because it is regular lotion!…I am so sorry ______! I was so distracted this morning I got the wrong one!- Said Sharena bashfully.

-Don’t worry Sharena! We will get all fixed up when we get back home. Right Freyr!- You hear a rumble of ascent coming from the God.- We better wake up Sleeping Beauty and get our Dynamic Duo, and eat some lunch so we can go home, by the way. We still have to get ready to meet King Hrid.- You tell them and Claude gets up to get the other two from the dink stand. That leaves you to wake up Dimitri who looks so serene sleeping. So relaxed and young…It feels like a pity to awaken him. You stand there contemplating how to go about it when he wakes up smiling. He looks at you and say…

-Beloved…- he seems to realize what he said and sits up all red in the face.- I…

-Mmm having a great dream I see! I am sorry to wake you up Dimitri, but it is time to go home.- You wonder if like Student Dimitri, this Dimitri is in love with Marianne, but you feel it is not your place to ask. He’ll confide in you when the time comes.

After a hurried lunch, you get home all sore but relaxed and happy. Even Sharena looks like her old self.

-Wow Thank you Lord Freyr! I had the greatest of dreams! Everyone was my friend! Even Navarre and Valter! Oh and Fomortiis too!

-Why would you want to be their friend? I get Navarre but…- Asked Luthier.

-They all deserve a chance to be understood. -Says Sharena.- Our dear Summoner taught me that.- She looks at you and winks. You return her smile in kind.

- I guess, but Fomortiis is a literal demon…- Responds Luthier.- Oh so what did you dream of Summoner?- He ask you and you feel your heart beat faster. Your dream...You did not want to talk about it. Dimitri must have seen your hesitance and started to talk.

- I… I dreamed my beloved gifted me a wheel of cheese and asked for my hand in marriage.- He said scarlet faced. Everyone looked at him surprised, but no one laughed.

-Wow that sounds like something ________ would do!- Says King Claude.

- I have you know…wait that does sound like a good idea. I mean if someone were to give me my favorite food and then asks me to marry him; I’d say yes right away! I think that is very romantic!- You say to the King.

-Well, don’t keep your favorite food a secret! I need to know right now!- He asks and now everyone laughs.

-Try a wheel of cheese Claude.- Says Dimitri to Claude’s surprise.

-Quesadillas! Yummy!! - You say.

-I got a pair of mice in my hands!- Says King Claude and gives a sigh.

-I love cheese and Quesadillas too!- Pipes in Sharena.

-I enjoy cheese and quesadillas my self as well.- Says Lord Freyr.

You were all laughing by the time you reach the castle and were on your way to the infirmary to get fixed up when you see a group of people walking to meet you. It was Alfonse followed by Fjorm walking by Leagyarn. On Alfonse’s side was the King of Nifl.

-Hrid…

A/N

1. The piece Alfonse is playing is clearly from his world, but I imagine it sounds a lot like Ikuto’s Violin Solo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ET8hV8yPNNQ

2. I wonder what the Summoner dreamed about? Should I leave it to your discretion or should I write about it. I am sure I will end up writing about Dimitri’s. Also Freyr’s forced dream was a dubious consent and I am not sure if I should write about that.

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zuffer-weird-girl · 4 years ago

Text

The Asylum

Synopsis: The U.A was a known Asylum. Known of being the current house for the most dangerous persons with the most tragocs backstorys and trauma. An universe where quirls dont exist, but heroes take the places of doctors, students are trainers and of course; villains are the pacients.

I am planning to do for all the boys I write and Shigaraki version of it (surprise shiggy stans!) Let me know if you would be interested.

Kai Chisaki:

You are currently a new doctor that the Asylum recide to take under their wing. Obviously not to good intentions. Since there is a pacient no one seems to even dare to croos his dorm room... so will you be able to tame the beast?

The limo you were in along with Nezu and the famous doctor Toshinori Yagi along with his aprendice Izuku Midoriya was sorta of glamorous... too much to your own point of view. But how could you point that out? Espevially to the ones whose kindly offered a job as soon as you got your graduation.

You were viewed as the "too kind and sensitive" to be a doctor or a psychologist, yet you still remained your ground and got your degree! And was now facing the kind hearted doctor Toshinoru himself! He was the most respected and talented doctora of all Japan, who just couldn't admire him?

The car came to an stop and Nezu gaze a hearted chickle after finsihing his cup of tea, which didn't even dropped a drop of the drink, before smilling at you as Toshinori and Midoriya helped you out.

"You two are too kind!" You spoke as the boy blushed crinsom red and laughed nervously as Nezu caught your attention.

"(L/n)-san, uou must know that despite us having the best of security measures, evil persons live on here and they can and some even will hurt you. Poor Midoriya-kun had to deal with a teenage girl around his age last week and almost got stabbed."

You widened your eyes as you saw by thhe corner of your eye the poor boy shivering at the memory as Yagi patted him by the head with a nervous chuckle.

You followed Nezu when he entered the building and found the place surprisingly intact even if hearing some shouts, psyotic laughter here and there..

"Im so sorry to not introduce the place for you (L/n)-san, but I have not only young Midoriya here but also another "student" to take care of." The man laughed as you smiled up at the man.

"I understand. Having onterns at such a young age must give some work." The blonde chuckled as he waved while Midoriya wished you a good first day at work before Nezu called you to stand beside him on a elevator and pressing the button to go down.

The number of the monitor, indicating the floors, were lowering as you arched an eyebrows until you jumped at hearing nezu giggling.

"We have floors that indicate which state our pacients mental health is... the lower the floor, the more these expecific pacients of oura need desperately for help."

"I see..." you picked your bag and took out the paste that only had the name and doccuments of your future pacient... Chisaki Kai.

A man around 20 and 25 years old that was a surgeon once, raised by a mafia boss. After being catched of by police for trying to make an unknown and forbided drug he was arrested. His adopted father had gotten ill and eventually put into a coma... in desperate to gain some blood for the elder the only with the compatible blood type of his father was his nephew... it seems that he had almost taken the blood of the girl by force due to desperation after he got out of prison...

Not even succeding on helping the old man, he got send to the Asylum after the acussation of his poor mental state. He got into a physical and heavy fight coincidentally with another pacient of here, and lost both of his arms.

He seemed also to have some sorta of OCD. His mysophobia being so advantege that not even if he comes to contact with dirty places, but even if he felt nervous or angry, hives would appear on his skin... also suffered from PTSD attacks and was paranoid, seing figures of assasinans and monster of four arms after the loss of his father and own members...

This patient is considerated one of the mosy dangerous around here even if missing both arms, now aparently substitute by prosthetics..

NOW you knew why anyone hasn't been very fond of him... the man had beaten up three of his previous doctors and almost send one to heaven.

The sound of your gulp got mixed with the ones of the doors of the elevator opening and Nezu menyioning for you to follow him on the hall.

The entire hall was super and almost shinning clean as you walked through it.

"As you saw on his file. Chisaki has a serious matter with dirt, even going as far as to almost beat our janitor after finding a piece of fry lying on the cafeteria. After that, he reveives his meal only on his room in hopes je doesn't cause such a tragity like before..."

"I see he is pretty... demanding." You muttered as Nezu stopped by a door made of Iron as he searched for a key.

"Surely, not even one of his doctors got the chance to knowing kore than his files, so I wish you to be the lucky one." The man smiled at you before pushing the door.

"... who is it?" The voice came from the darkest part of the room and you saw a hunched over form after squinting your eyes hard enough. The voice was deep and low kinda sexy even

"Chisaki. I have the honor to present you the doctor (L/n) (Y/n)-"

"Ah, another doctor I see." It came as a scratchy sigh, his head lifting up to reveal a man with gorgeous golden dull eyes and brow hair similiar to the woods of a pine, his skin pale amd the prosthetics arms shine the light of the halls back into your eyes.

This was against your own code.... but damn this man was hot.

"Is.. a pleasure to meet-"

"Lets see how much long will you last..." he said with a empty smirk before falling back to his stoic and empty expression, staring at the wall and demanding for you both to get out.

Nezu sighed as he accompanied you to outside and looked at you expectedly.

"... I think I can deal with him. He doesn't sound too bad as his files give away." You smiled at Nezu as he gave a rather relieved sigh and shook your hand in glee.

"Great! Your consulta will hlbe in his room witha bodyguard waiting outside to provide you security as he will be handcuffed for extra care."

You frowned at that as the man handed you the key and accompanied you for an tour around the whole building... Handcuffed? This was a bit extreme...

Wasn't it?

You breathed in and out as the guard was already set on post to watch over. Turning the key to open and quickly close it as instricted by other doctors and collegues.

"Hello." You greeted softly while closing the door as he stared at the table he was handcuffed with "I believe we didn't had a much pleasurable start due to Nezu there..." you seated on ths chair in front of him as he gritted his jaw.

It was silence for a bit as you sighed in sympathy.

"Listen, I have nothing here. Neither to hurt or touch you. I also took at least three showers before coming here to talk with you. I was rather excited to be honest." You smiled at him as he only arched an eyebrow up, still stoic expression.

"Foolish." He gritted through teeth as you tilted your head in confusion "You heard of me getting three people at least to the verge of death... Tell me, how cam you defend yourself from me?" His voice lowered dangerously but you still remained grounded. Surprisingly not even feeling scared.

"You mean also from the... monsters?" You saw how his muscles tightened as his eyes widened at you before narrowing them deep into your soul.

"Dont play like that. I know no one can see them... is just me."

"Well, that is true..." you leaned a bit towards him "But that doesn't mean I cant just try to understand you."

"Is that supposed to make me laugh? I dont need this stupid shit." He hissed while glaring at you.

"I suppose... but when was the last time you talked with someone though?"

It was silent... then he just sighed a bit shakily before starting to scratch the upper part of his arm...

"Get out. Now." You hummed, eviting to giggle at the shocked face he tried to hide at sieng you actually was leaving after he demanded.

"I will be back by tommorow then. Have a nice day Chisaki." You left the room and was inspected by the guard for any form of bruises or injuries and yhey were impressed.

"You're the first one that didn't got injured with that guy over there..."

"I think i just might be getting somewhere with him if I try hard enough."

Slowly but surely you got to talk with Chisaki. He still remained reserved most of the time, but as soon as you brought up the topic of a mess on the first floor was enough to make him complain about the quality of this place.

It wasn't exactly a start... but you did needed to get some sorta of trust of him on you.

One day you were about to enter the room and saw the episode everyone warned you about. His hallucinations.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" you dodged the table he threw with all the force he had near the door as you closed immediatly when you heard the bodyguard calling for others to help put Chisaki on a straightjacket.

"Get out! Get OUT! GET OUT OF HERE!" he shouted at the top of his lungs as he lunched the air and walls as you watched in wary and worry in your eyes as you tried to aproach safetly from behind.

"Chisaki-" you gasped when he almost punched you if it wasn't for your good reflexes "Chisaki listen to me!"

Ee only let out a bloody scream as he tried with all his forces to attack you before he caged you by the wall as you gagged at the metal hand on your throat.

"Chisaki.. im not here to hurt you-!" You tried to push more air into your lungs as he growled.

You tapped his shoulder out of desperation and immediatly gasped for air as he jerked away from your touch, blinking as if he had just woken up as you coughed.

When you opwned your eyes and saw him standing up, looking at you in shock you sighed in relief while getting up.

"H.. How? How did you make him to..?" He whispered while looking around the room in desperation "H-He was just... here-! He was HERE!" He shouted, his anger coming back as you walked towards him.

"Chisaki.." his amber and wrathful eyes looked into yours as you asked softly "What was in here?"

"It was.." he looked at the ground comflicted before grasping his hair with a groan "No no.. cant be... CANT BE! HE ISN'T HERE!"

"Who isn't here? Chisaki?"

"MY IDIOT FATHER!" he shouted "HAPPY NOW DOCTOR?!"

You widened your eyes as he breathed in shakily before dropping on the ground and crossing his arms to support his head.

"But... why would your-"

"Not the one in my files..." he groaned before looking at the wall numbily "My biological shitty one... an abuser. Use that to get a promotoon or whatever brat.. just leave me alone."

You furrowed your eyebrows down at him. Your heart speaking louder than your mind as you gently aproached him and seated next to him, maintaning enough distance to mantain him on a comfortable state.

"... I thought you didn't remember your biological parents." You commented as he linched the bridge of his nose.

"How could you forget someone that made your childhood a living hell?" He breathed out "I dont even know why I am even telling you this..."

"... let me guess.. abusive?" You spoke with sadness as he chuckled darkly.

"Pitying a sociopath and murder now doctor?" He brushed his fangs away "Don't. Is pathetic."

"Abusive." You confirmed as you stared at the wall he was facing at "Instrict father and negletful mother..?"

"... the man was an arrogant bastard... always beating and just taking away any sorta of ways of basic needs.. while my mother was a selfish women whose always called me a failure. A burden. A mistake... my father on one day was about to beat me up for grabbing something to eat..when I grabbed his gun to defend myself and accidentally shot him... the woman called the police on her own 5 years old child can you imagine that?" You stared at him in sadness.

No one knew his backstory. No one knew anything about him when he was under 12 years old. His archive compeltely erased... and there he was.

"The visions you have... is of him?"

"... a more like fusion or something." He groaned whipe scrwching his face "Has his face but has the arms of a beast... and four arms... other times is that Shigaraki that took my arms... others are my mother just trying to stab me or hold me down while she yells for me to... to behave..." he sighed shakily "Is the session over yet?"

You frowned before slowly aproaching him and taking his metal hand on yours as he widened your eyes.

"Is over.. but if you want i can stay here... to make sure those assholes wont be back." You smiled up at him as he stared at you like you grew three heads.

"I... I believe you have other places to be...?"

".. I enjoy having your company." You smiled again "After all, you dont deserve to be left caged alone.. You're still human after all.."

He stared at you before looking at the wall as you giggled a bit at the tips of his ears getting red as he thought over and over again.

Was he... was he really worth of being called a human?

"This new medication here might give some colateral effects, so after taking them i need you to tell me. But asides from that they will releave a but if that itchy feeling of your hives and the other will help a bit with your-"

"Hallucinations" the man completed as he analyzed the bottle only to sigh and open it later "I saw them once in the hospital I worked for."

"Oh I see!" You replied cheerfully at seing an opportunity to talk with him "I know you were an explendid surgeon."

"... kind of. Had almost a heart attack when blood was spilled on my skin now at then. Sicks.." He looked at you snorting before the hint of a smirk started to form only to dissapear as he took the two piles onto his hand.

"Uh.. You need to eat first to take your meds." You warned before he could plop the pills on his mouth... he stared deep into your eyes as he lowered them on a napkin and leaned on his chair while crossing hsi metalic arms.

"Then I guess I wont be taking it. The food of this place is horrible and disgusting. Not as much as my room." You arched an eyebrow at him before furrowing them in worry.

"What? Dont they clean your room? The halls are even shining. And what about the food?"

"Not quite." He sighed "A precary job, and some guards like to come by and dirt the place just to give me a headache... the food is just the same."

You hummed before getting up.

"Well then, I guess I have to grab somethings and demands some changes..."

"Oh, how adorable. You getting my food? Make me laugh some more doctor, Im dying to see it." He spoke on a nonchantly tone as you only poked your tongue out at him before muttering that you would be right back.

To him it seemed like hours you had gotten out and even dared to scold on how slow you must be.

"I brought you what seems to be your favorite! Not the food from the cafeteria, I swear!"

He watched in amusement and accidentaly smiled at seing you there with what was once his favorite food until he flinched at your gasp.

"I see a smile thereeeee!!!!" You pointed at his face repeatedly as he surprisingly gently slapped your hand away while taking the bag.

"You're such a nuisance." He sighed, hating how his mouth drooled.

"I washed the fork."

"But I didn't even-"

"I know you Kai." You giggled before widening your eyes and slapping your hands over your mouth in shock.

His eyes were also wide open as you felt your face heat up.

"Im so sorry! It was so unproffesional this oh my Go-"

"Is..." he interrupted you while looking at the opposite direction of yours "Alright... surprisingly my name doesn't sound... so bad when you speak... doctor."

Your eyes softened a bit as a flustered and quite a happy smile graced over your features that made him blush even more.

"Is impressive!" Toshinori and Nezu exclaimed together as they saw the progress yoh had made with Chisaki only in a matter of months as you giggled. "You're a god send (L/n)-san!"

"Please!" You waved them off in embarrassment.

"No no, none of that young one!" Yagi snorted "We decides to give you a week of vacation after such an amazing progress like that! Starting today!"

"T-Today?!"

"Yeah! Dont worry about your pacient, we will get him a substitute just to make him take the meds."

You didn't had much of a choice since they already send the poor guy over his way.

Two days... two days and you simply wasn't here. Just seing a trembling hand almost throwing the pills at him as he sighed in dissapointment. Two days and he hadn't see the face of his beautiful and pretty doctor of his... he couldn't believe it...but he was so desperately craving them. To hear her voice, to.. even feel his hand brush against hers...

He jerked up when he heard the sound of the door opening, narrowing hus eyes at seing that the doctor whose entered his room, wasn't his doctor.

"U-Uh... I-I'm here to-"

"You're." He standed up from his bed "Not." He walked close to the shivering doctor "my (Y/n)."

Before he knew it, he saw visions of you being handed and taken away by one of these monster as he shouted and beaten up the man, the security guard allerting all of the bodyguards about the pacient 14 leaving his cell and attacking others.

The alarms set off and all securities were called as he toom them down ome by one as he shouted with all the forces of his lungs:

"WHERE IS MY DOCTOR?! GIVE HER BACK!" he shouted as he took each one of them down and even managing to stab one of the doctors and one of the security guards witha freacking pen that was in the pocket of one of the pacients that was nearby.

“GET THE SEDATIVE AND THE STRAIGHTJACKET! QUICK BEFORE HE-” the poor guard had his head locked on Chisaki metal hand as he slammed him into the wall into the point it bleed.

He shouted in pain when he felt the syring on his neck, his body starting to get drownsy as he was threw down on the ground, still trying to fight until the end as he kept calling for you...

“Help me... PLEASE! I WILL BE GOOD! IM SORRY!” He shouted and cried at the same time “WHERE’S MY DOCTOR?! (Y/N)!”

He shouted your name until he had no voice or force t do so as his body gave out....

You ran after scoldng every one that tred to stop you as you searched for the key of Kai’s room.

You had received an emergency call after three weeks of your vacation and to say you were both terrified and worried was a understandement. You needed to see Kai. Just thinking about him prisioned on his room and on a jacket made you feel horrible... you even heard the possibilty of the U>A taking away his prosthetics arms due to “security measures��.

You opened the door and loghten up the lights to see Chisaki laying on his bed. A numb look towards the ceiling as you whimpered his name and went to stand close to him.

“... did you come to kill me..?” you widened your eyes as you thought the urge to tear up as you looked for the key of the straightjacket that Nezu gave it to you after your begging.

“Kai im so so sorry...” You whimpered while freeing him... HIm blinking as if he just notices your presence and moving his arms before sitting up.... looking at his metal fingers move, one by one..

“..Are you another hallucination...?” he flinched at your hand coming in contact with his cheeks ashe looked at you as if he was about to kill you right there.

“No... Kai, feel me.. I’m here. Aren’t the meds helping you anymore:”

He stared at you for a what seemed like a decade before he brushed his fingers on your cheek before choosing to bring you close on what seemed like a hug, since he coulnd’t feel with his prosthetics...

A shaky sigh leaved him as he clinged onto you.

“I... You weren’t taken away... I dont feel sick with your touch...” you hugged him back with a shaky inhale before breathing out.

“I wont be taken away... Im your doctor after all...” you buried your face on the crook of his neck and inhaled his clean scent. getting drunk by him.

You didn’t know when your lips came in contact, but they did... and you didn’t even cared about your carrer anymore, you only carried about him... you knew this man could and would get better. You just could feel it.

“You want to know something?” he whispered after the kiss as you hummed “You sound more like an angell to me. My angel.”

#overhaul x reader #chisaki kai x reader #kai chisaki x reader #bnha villains x reader #kai chisaki #overhaul #bnha au asylum #pacient number 14 Chisaki Kai #bnha writings #bnha fanfiction #bnha fanfics #bnha villains #zuffer writings

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trekscribbles · 3 years ago

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Triple Threat: A Stones Triplet Fic

Fandoms: Leverage/Leverage Redemption, Librarians, and Almost Paradise Cross-Posted: Ao3 and FF Summary: So I shared some ideas about this fic here, not intending to actually write it. And then people asked for it and I have zero self control, so here you go!

Of course it never works out that way.

She's used to Alex interfering with her cases, but she didn't even tell him about this one. So how did he end up with the smuggler she was supposed to be meeting, and why doesn't the seem to know her?

Or: Eliot and Jake are both in the Philippines for separate jobs that turn out to be related. Kai takes the existence of Alex's brothers as a personal attack on her mental health. Ernesto happily goes along for the ride.

Chapter One: Déjà Vu

A simple smuggling case. That was all this was supposed to be—just a smuggler looking to set up shop on the island, some place where he'd be able to store and ferry goods to the United States without attracting too much attention. Ocampo hadn't even asked Alex for help, even though they suspected drugs were involved. "We need more information," Ocampo told Kai. "Just meet with him and see what you can find out." No need to involve the most annoying man on the island.

Kai didn't tell Alex about any of it. It was only the third time Ocampo trusted her to go undercover, and though she wasn't above using Alex's help when it was necessary, this was something she could handle on her own. Ernesto would be monitoring the meeting from nearby, ready to come to her aid, but she was confident in her skills. It was a simple case. She could handle it.

She made contact with the smuggler, telling him she could get a cargo plane for his use and ensure the attention of the authorities was elsewhere when he was ready to load it. The meeting had gone well, well enough that he asked her to join him in his hotel room the following day to hash out the details. Ocampo had been thrilled, and she'd gotten the proud grin from Ernesto that always made her feel like she could take on the world. "Wrap this up, Detective," Ocampo said, already planning the press release for the end of the case. One more meeting, and it would all be over. A swift ending to a simple case.

The next morning she found the hotel fifteen minutes before their appointed time and knocked on door 211, letting herself in when a voice yelled, "We're on the balcony." The we made her nervous, but she told herself it didn't matter. Once she found out what the cargo was, she'd have enough to arrest him.

But then she walked onto the balcony and found her contact raising a toast to Alex Walker, and it took all of her self-control not to break character and strangle him right there.

The smuggler stood up with a grin. "Ah, Ms. Navarro," he said, motioning for her to be seated next to Alex. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"No," she choked out. "Thank you."

He shrugged and swept his hand toward Alex. "This is my American contact, Marc Rosen. Mr. Rosen, my associate Nicole Navarro."

Alex gave her a polite smile, and his eyes seemed to laugh at her.

"Mr. Flores," she said tersely. "I thought we'd agreed to keep this meeting between us."

Robert Flores shrugged and again gestured to the chair beside Alex. "I assure you, Mr. Rosen is essential to this operation. He has already arranged a buyer in the United States. All we need from you, Ms. Navarro, is to follow through on your promise with the planes."

Kai sat, forcing her tensed shoulders to relax. "The flight is already secured," she said. "But I need to know what it is I'll be transporting."

Flores smiled. "All in good time."

"Time is the problem," Kai said. "We only have three days before the plane is scheduled to depart, with or without your cargo. I can't prepare properly until I know what we'll be loading."

"I will take care of that. Three days is plenty of time."

"Then... once you've made your payment, I will tell you where to bring your cargo." She managed this with only a single glance (not a glare) at Alex, who had returned his attention to Flores. A sand-colored fedora was pulled low over Alex's eyes, shading a face that seemed paler than usual. In an instant her irritation turned to worry. Did he know Flores from his time as a DEA agent? Had he arranged the meeting, or had Flores contacted him?

Why couldn't he just tell her before he did stupid things like this?

"I am glad to hear it," Flores said. He was still standing, and Kai bristled at the imbalance—he towered over them in a position of power while they literally sat in his shadow. "Mr. Rosen was just telling me that his buyer is anxious to get his hands on this shipment."

Alex huffed a nervous laugh. "Well, you know how it is when the guy in the big office wants something. Patience ain't exactly a virtue for my boss."

"Luckily for you, I have what he needs," Flores said, lifting his glass with a chuckle.

"Is that Alex?" Ernesto asked through her earbud. "What's he doing there?"

Kai chanced another glance at him, wishing she could reach over and wring the answer from his throat. His body language was all wrong. His shoulders were drawn in, the fingers of his left hand fidgeting against his palm. His voice had been different too—almost hesitant, self-depreciating. Usually Alex played a loud character, brash and confident, always pushing to keep his mark off-balance. This... this was just another pencil-pusher running an errand for his boss. Insignificant. Overlookable.

And it was working. A hard, greedy glint flashed in Flores's eye as he swallowed the rest of his drink, his gaze lingering on the trembling glass in Alex's hand. "Well," he grinned. "There is much to be done. Wait here. Your payment is in my adjoining room." He set his glass down on the balcony railing and strode into the hotel room. Kai watched him go, but as soon as the door closed she rounded on Alex.

"I'm going to give you ten seconds to explain yourself."

He blinked at her. "What?"

"Why are you here? Did Ocampo tell you about the case? Did Flores contact you?"

"Did—what? Why would—?"

"Or do you just like messing with my life? Because I swear, Alex, when this is over I'm—"

The hallway door opened before she could finish, and two men in black jackets entered the room. Neither of them was Flores. "Your payment," one said, holding out an envelope.

"Oh... thank you." She stood and entered the room, aware of Alex trailing behind her. He stepped to her left, covering her weak side as she reached out for the payment.

But the second her fingers brushed the envelope, Alex flashed past her to strike the back of the man's outstretched elbow. He screamed, staggering, and Alex pulled him away from Kai and hurled him toward the wall. The other man lunged into the room, but Alex met him with a neat punch to the jaw. He dodged a swing and caught the man's wrist, bashing his elbow into the side of his face. The first man had regained his balance by then, steadying himself against the wall before squaring himself to the fight.

That was when Kai reached him. His attention was on Alex, so it was easy for her to get close and grab his forearm. She drove her knee into the man's stomach, using the momentum of his fall to throw him to the ground. She turned as Alex ducked another jab and slammed his fist into his opponent's cheek. The man dropped, sprawling at Alex's feet and lying motionless.

"What the hell was that?" Kai demanded, stomping down on her man's back to keep him on the floor.

"Kai?" Ernesto said in her ear. "Everything okay?"

Alex knelt to pick up the envelope. "They were gonna kill us."

"He was handing over the payment!"

He tilted his hand so she could see inside the empty envelope. "Flores knew you were coming," he said, running his hands over his fallen opponent's waist and producing a long serrated knife. "He should have had the payment ready."

Damn it—she hated when he was right.

"He must have guessed you're a cop," Alex went on, taking off his hat and dragging a hand through his hair. "Probably one of your first undercover assignments? You know what you're doing, I'll give you that, but you pushed too hard for the cargo. You have to let the mark think he's in control."

"What are you...?" Kai started, but she trailed off when Alex put his hand down. Freed from the hat, his hair fell over his forehead and down around his ears, long enough to brush his shoulders. "Are you wearing a wig?"

"Am—am I—?" he sputtered. "Look, I don't know who you think I am, but—" He broke off, eyes widening. "Wait, you called me Alex before. Alex Stone?"

All at once, her vision seemed to shift. The man before her had Alex's face, but now that she looked closer, she could see a handful of inconsistencies. A scar over his eyebrow that hadn't been there before, a leanness about his jaw, a shadow she'd never seen in his eyes. Ernesto kept talking through the earbud, but she was only half-listening.

She stared into the face of her friend, and a stranger looked back.

The door burst open, breaking the tension that had paralyzed the room and tearing Not Alex's attention from her. Ernesto came in with his gun drawn, not quite pointing at the imposter, but not aimed at the men who'd attacked them either.

"Your partner?" asked Not Alex. His voice was calm, but so gruff she could barely understand it. She motioned for Ernesto to put his gun away. He swept a shrewd look over her, checking for injuries, and then knelt beside her man on the floor and pulled a pair of handcuffs off his belt.

The imposter cleared his throat. "Do you know Alex Stone?"

For a moment Kai considered lying, but the sharpness in Not Alex's eyes had softened. The look he gave her wasn't quite pleading, but it was clearly a request. She heard the please in his eyes as clearly as if he'd said it out loud.

So, in a voice that sounded more confident than she felt, she answered, "Alex Walker."

A snort of laughter blew through the imposter's nose. "Walker? He could have picked anything, and he went with Walker? At least I used a family name."

"No," Ernesto said to himself, shooting Kai with a look that somehow contained astonishment, delight, and trepidation all at once.

Kai echoed the denial in her head. This couldn't be happening.

"My name is Eliot," the other man said.

Don't say it. Don't—

"I'm Alex's brother."

No. No no no no no.

There were two of them.

#fanfic #leverage #leverage redemption #librarians #almost paradise #stone triplets #the terrible triplets #eliot jake and alex are triplets #and poor kai has to deal with them #thanks for enabling me by reading this

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the-darklings · 4 years ago

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coa one year later & self-reflection

(*drags out a creaky metal chair and plops down on it heavily*)

Hi. It’s me, ya boi skinny--

Wait, wrong one. Do over.

Hi, it’s me, Kat, and I’m not dead. Clearly. Today being one year anniversary of COA has kinda put me in a reflective mood, so I guess I decided to sit down and just...talk about some things, thoughts and feelings I’ve been bottling inside for a hot sec. Especially given how radio silent I have gone on here and people deserve a bit of perspective.

And before anyone starts worrying, it’s all good, and I’m still around and currently in good health for the most part.

So, let’s take it back to the start. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, we need to go back a year for that.

By technicality alone, COA actually turned one year old on October 12th. That’s when the first part was posted. However, the reason I’m treating today as the aforementioned birthday is simple: I had no intention of this story ever being more than a short two-parter. I told this to the discord gang already but COA was only going to have two parts. V was going to die in Tokyo and the rest of the story follows glimpses of John throughout the movies and it’s her ghost that haunts him. Skipping ahead, it was going to have a bittersweet ending of John eventually dying, having completed his task, only to be greeted by V, Daisy and Helen in the afterlife. A peace of sorts. Then, I realised that, well, no. I have more to say on this world and intrigue about this placeholder character V kept growing.

November 1st happened and I made a very last minute call to continue COA but with the added pressure of doing it during NaNoWriMo 2019. And boy did I. Most of the story was figured out during that very intense month. I posted Part 2 on this day a year ago because I was so eager to share it. Perhaps, in retrospect, a bit too eager.

For those of you who may not know this, I work as a writer full time for my actual every day job. I’m the main writer for an original webcomic called In the Bleak Midwinter on Webtoon.com and have been for almost two years now. Getting what is essentially your dream job is amazing. I’m very lucky on that front but it also taught me stark realities of having your job and only hobby overlap. It’s a dangerous creative mix. Especially because I was not used to being constraint in what I create or the feeling like I have to please anyone else. Writing as a job is a whole other avenue of creative exhaustion. I love my job a lot and am very, very lucky to have it but it doesn’t change the fact that those initial stages made me fall back on COA a lot for creative freedom that I craved so desperately. To an unhealthy degree looking back on it now.

But going back to November last year. NaNo time. I did it. Finished on the 24/25th I believe. A juicy final count of 52k+. All while maintaining a weekly update schedule for a fic that usually hit around 10k per update, if not more, even during those early days. Add writing an original story on top of that. Writing every day for hours on end (we are talking 10-12hr days) without any time for other hobbies or time for myself in general. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Losing weight and sleep in the process. I think the thing that convinced me that I should continue doing so is the fact that the outpour of support for COA ended up surpassing anything I ever expected or even dared to hope for. I’m not a huge numbers person but the outpour of love and just sheer investment in the story and characters blew me away. John Wick fandom is on the smaller side and has been going through downtime when I posted COA so my expectations were...well, small tbh. I like keeping expectations low to avoid any disappointments in general. But I’ve also always had an issue of being a massive 0 or 100 kind of person. If I love something, it consumes me. In this case, it brought me as much joy and freedom as much as it was steadily pushing me towards the ultimate crash.

That being said, I can’t thank you all enough for every comment, like, reblog and message and fanart. You’re the reason I got this far. With your support. It brightened some really dark days for me.

But.

To be frank, it’s never been about you guys. I never wrote or pushed because I felt like I had to appease anyone. That creative mindset is pure poison and I long since learned to let go of it. I kept pushing and kept working myself to the bone because I liked it. I liked how reading peoples’ responses made me feel. I liked the addictive nature of reading all the comments and theories after an update. I loved the idea of brightening peoples’ days and giving them something to cheer them up after what might have been a shitty day. Even if that was at expense of my own time/well being. But for a long time, it wasn’t. I love writing a lot but facts remain facts.

It was beyond unhealthy and burnout wasn’t a question of if but when and that when was approaching at neck-breaking speed.

So we come to the end of November. Part 4 has just come out. People were invested and I was invested alongside them. I was just finishing up Part 5 which (back then) was the biggest single chapter I’ve ever written and god I still recall my sheer dread because that was the beginning of Santino being established as a LI. Looking back on that now, it’s downright hilarious how worried I was about the reception of him and V together after John.

So honestly, I hit burnout at around Part 8. Because that’s the first time I recall struggling with writing a chapter. Part 8 came out on December 28th. I had a brief break for holidays. But my mistake was not taking longer back then. Because I continued writing with a barely healed burnout. Followed by almost a year of struggling and continuously creating through that state. It wasn’t like I eased off the pressure, either. Oh, no. The chapters grew in size, the world and the characters with it. AUs amassed quickly and while I adore every single one - again, I didn’t know how to pace myself well enough.

I’m spiteful though. The more the chapters struggled the more I pushed against the burnout. By the time Chicago arrived, however, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up writing 43k+ in a span of 2 months, I believe. And while to some it may not seem like a lot given the time frame, it’s a lot when you’re burnout to a crisp & writing an original story for work + deadlines. Which I was burned out and then some. Chicago was something I was looking forward to writing for months. I have built it up since Part 4. It was a long time coming. So while I’m still proud of it, I would be lying if I said that some scenes were not sacrificed for the sake of keeping to my invisible schedule that no one but me actually cared about. You guys have always been patient. I never felt pushed into anything. It’s always only ever been me doing the harm.

Chicago was the downwards spiral for me mentally. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own expectations. That people were drifting away from it. I was plagued by the thought that the story I poured so much into was falling apart and growing weaker. Which this has always been an issue with me: I am my own harshest critic. Always have been. In fact, I’m a downright mean little fucker when it comes to just tearing at myself. I know writing is for fun - and it is - but I still like the idea of being proud of my work which only made everything worse despite the love each update received.

This takes us to the beginning of June. Specifically, June the 2nd. Or, as I like to call it: Kat Makes Another Impulsive Decision but This One Actually Works Out For the Better. On this day, I created the COA Discord server. And damn, I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting when I did ngl. I did it for fun and as an escape more so than anything. But somehow it ended up being the best decision I made in a long while. I know some of you are reading this. So love you lots, dorks. It’s such a privilege to be able to call so many of you my friends even outside of COA now. That little community has given me some of the best memories from this year and helped me to crawl out of my own metaphorical pit I was stuck in. Mentally, I’m doing much better than I did beginning of this summer. Which could be summed up as a constant self-hatred cycle and a feeling of inadequacy.

That, however, does not mean my burnout magically disappeared. If anything Chapter 17 just put a nail in the coffin so to speak. 2020 has been a shitty year just across the board for obvious reasons I don’t need to go into here but that can only partially be attributed to my mental state. Chapter 17 was...exhaustive. To say the least. But I was determined to stick with my vision and not split it up. I was also starting to be a bit more forgiving towards myself in terms of how long I may take to write it thanks to guys on discord though the feeling of failure and worry never quite faded fully. I’m proud of Part 17. Truly. But that was also when I hit rock bottom creatively on COA. It drained me completely.

I tried writing Part 18 for weeks after, day in and day out, not getting past the first scene and hating every word I wrote. So I took a deep breath and stopped. Figured I let it marinate and wait instead of trying to piece one of the most crucial chapters in this story like some Frankenstein monster two sentences at the time.

So my solution was simple: give myself some distance from it and write other things. Get my spark back. Of course that’s always a good idea. Having multiple creative escapes is the best thing you can do for yourself creatively. There was just one tiny little problem.

I was still burned out. Still am. The problem went deeper than just being burned out over COA. I was burned out over writing itself.

Which is an issue for a person who only has writing as a creative outlet.

I don’t have any other way to express myself. So I was stuck in a runt, trying to write because it’s the only thing that makes me genuinely happy even when I really shouldn’t have. And let me tell you. It’s a shitty fucking feeling. My burnout worsened. I had a thousand ideas but every time I tried to get them down it felt forced, fragmented, and weak. Repetitive and dry. Now, this is also in part because English isn’t my native language, so my vocab is limited as a result, but I hit that sweet rock bottom in that regard, too.

So, I worked on V (but in her OC form Clara), Lucien and The Elites. All those characters have grown so much since you last read about them. I have multiple original projects planned down the line that will feature all of them existing in their own world, with their own stories and no longer constrained by JW canon.

Which, finally, takes us to the end of October and beginning of November 2020.

I was convinced that the best course of action was to do NaNo again but with an original story this time (involving V). Suffice to say, it took a grand total of maybe 5-6 days and hating every second of writing it while also feeling like this project I’m so passionate and excited to write (still am) is just...going down the toilet to be blunt, to realise I may have made the wrong call.

Still, the stubborn ass that I am, I pushed through. Convinced I can get into it if I just keep going. The realizations that I am sharing with you right now won’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for a rather curious turn of events about a week and a half ago.

I recently bought a gaming laptop, all in preparation for Cyberpunk 2077 dropping ofc. But, in the meantime, I kept recommending a game to a friend on the COA server. That game? Far Cry 5. (It’s a blast to play btw, just a side note.) And playing it brought back all the feelings of nostalgia from the days when I used to write for that fandom. So I revisited some old work. Checked the stuff I never published and that has been sitting ducks in my docs for months and hoo boy. Let me tell you it was a vibe check of the worst kind.

The stark difference in the prose and the ease with which it flowed was...startling. It made me remember why I love writing so much and how proud I used to be of what I wrote back in the day. Which is not to say I’m not proud now, but it was just such a sharp dip in quality it was impossible to ignore.

So I didn’t.

I paused NaNo, moving it to another month. I paused writing for everything but work, which with our season coming to an end I will also get a rest from soon, too. I kinda paused in general. For the first time in a while, I finally forced myself to switch off. Rest.

The reason why I haven’t been on here is simple: guilt and not having energy to be on here. I like making my blog a safe space for everyone. Similar to escape it has become for me. I couldn’t pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I felt obliged to perform and being here became exhausting. I haven’t been checking my inbox. Haven’t done much of anything except occasionally dropping by and reblogging a random post so people know I’m alive.

And that’s that, folks. That’s where I am currently. Resting. Completely exhausted mentally but resting. Getting my energy back.

So where does that leave us, huh? If you read this far, dunno what to tell you. Thanks, I suppose. It’s still odd to think people actually care about my existence sometimes.

I know what you’re likely thinking, too. So does this mean COA is never gonna be finished? What is gonna happen to it? Are you abandoning it?

The answer: no. 17 out of 25 chapters and 250k+ in, I’m too far in not to give it a proper conclusion. Not because I owe it to anyone other than myself. I want this story to be a stepping stone for my future as a writer. I want to prove to myself that I can get this done and finish it. As of right now (as you can no doubt tell with how long it’s been since last update) it’s on a soft hiatus while I rest. This rest? Not sure how long it may last. Right now, my plan is till mid December at which point I will reevaluate. Ideally, I finish the year with an update. But my New Year’s resolution is to finish COA. That timeline has become a little more murky now but, again, ideally it’s within the first quarter of 2021. Will that happen? I don’t know. And I don’t want to make false promises, either.

All I’m saying is that it will be done. I’m just no longer sure how long, exactly, it may take me to reach that Epilogue. I don’t expect many people to stick around for however long it may take me, but if you do, thank you. Truly. I really and deeply mean that.

So what’s on the cards for this blog in the meantime? Well, CP77 is coming out in under a month (if it doesn’t get moved again lmao rip) and I expect that to be my soft return to posting my writing on here again. We will see where the muse takes me, if at all. Regardless though, I’m excited.

One doctorate thesis later, here we are at the end of this really long rambling session. I hope that this has given you some perspective on things going on behind the scenes. I spared you some of the gorier details but I think this post has been long overdue. I suppose I, myself, was just too unwilling to face these things despite knowing about them deep down for a while now. I’m too self-critical not to notice but acting on correcting this behavior has been a whole other matter clearly.

Thank you for reading this post, my writing in general, and supporting me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still around. More is on the way in the future. I’ll be seeing you all real soon. And all my love to all of you.

Love,

- Kat.

#kat speaks #blog psa #i suppose

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official-weasley · 4 years ago

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Meant to Be (Charlie Weasley x OC)

What happens when Bill brings home a girl and Charlie is completely awestruck by her?

WARNINGS: cursing, mentions of alcohol, struggling with self-love, emotional self-destructive behavior, and mentions of mental health problems

Chapter 19

Rhylee

“I am so glad that you’re a Muggle-born.” I shifted on my heel, turning away from the mirror to Lyla who was laying in her bed, her head resting on her crossed arms, her eyes on me.

“I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me.” Confusion creased her face. “It’s supposed to be a compliment, right?”

“Yes.” I grinned at her. “If you weren’t Muggle-born, you wouldn’t know about therapy, and the therapist you recommended me might have just saved my life.” By inhaling sharply I turned back to the mirror and stared at my figure.

“It’s been all you, darling. You have to want help to actually gain something from therapy.” I locked my eyes with hers in the mirror.

I loved nothing more than her friendly smile. She was the best friend I could ask for and I am the luckiest person alive for her not to give up on me.

“I know.” I turned around to look at my arse.

“Can you stop checking yourself out in the mirror? The dress looks great on you!” She rolled her eyes at me.

“I don’t know.” I pouted. “Perhaps the blue one would be better.”

“You do realize that we have been doing nothing else but picking your dress for the last two days.” She smirked at me.

“Don’t give me that face! I’m nervous, okay!” I stomped my foot against the floor as if angry.

In reality, I was just hoping to calm down my nerves.

“It’s time to move on, Rhylee. You said it yourself that your therapist said it’s time you forgive yourself.” She stood up and took the blue dress which was hanging over the dresser door and took it off the hanger. “But just in case, try this one again.” She winked.

I appreciated how supportive she was. She was all I had left.

I was such a mess. I still can’t believe that I let myself get so low. I hit rock bottom and then went even deeper. It’s a miracle what 6 months of therapy can do for a person. How do wizards not have that!

Perhaps, they are afraid of the pain that it brings. Because it was painful. Especially the first few sessions when the therapist is getting to know you and you start figuring out what your problem is. I knew what it was. I just couldn’t get over it.

Everybody telling me it was an accident doesn’t just make the guilt disappear. It doesn’t make you feel better. You don’t just forget about it. When you do what I did, you don’t just move on. But as I learned from my sessions, you can’t blame yourself forever either. Forgiveness and loving myself was something that was missing from my life.

It’s crazy to think that so many people around you keep telling you that it wasn’t your fault and that you can’t just go around and search for things that will make you miserable just to punish yourself and you never believe them and always brush it off. But when you hear it from someone specialized to tell you things like this, you suddenly think that maybe, just maybe all your friends were right.

Of course, it didn’t happen overnight and I even tried convincing Dr. Whitmoore that I will never stop blaming myself for what happened in my seventh year at Beauxbatons but I got there…eventually.

“So what are you going to say to him?” Lyla asked as she zipped the dress for me.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” I bit my cheek. “I don’t even know if he’ll want to talk to me.”

“Right.” She raised her eyebrows at me and laid back on her bed. “Are we going to go through this again?”

“I’m serious! I’m just going there to celebrate the love between two people.” I finally stopped looking at myself in the mirror.

I still don’t know which dress to pick.

“Mhm.” Lyla nodded once. “Let’s pretend that you have been picking out a dress for this wedding because you want to be there for Bill when he says his ‘I do’ with his future wife.”

“It’s…the main reason.” I proudly lifted my chin.

“Stop lying to yourself, love. This is all about Charlie Weasley.” She sent me a wink, got up, and went to the bathroom.

She was right. It was all about Charlie. There is no point in denying it any further. It has been all about him ever since Bill brought me home to meet his family for Christmas. I still remember the moment we were introduced as if it was yesterday.

He enchanted me the moment I sat down opposite him. With his smile and eyes full of passion about the creatures we both worked with. I know he wasn’t doing it on purpose but he was so flirty. With his eyes, his gestures. I just couldn’t stop staring at him.

And the feeling, the feeling I got while talking to him. I never felt that before and it was so strange. I knew Bill for years and here I was talking to his younger brother and it was as if someone ignited a fire between us. And the strangest part was that I am certain he felt it too.

The second I allowed the feeling to overwhelm me, fill my body with energy like nothing ever did before, my past came back to haunt me. I couldn’t sleep that night. The nightmares came back. Sweat running down my temples. I was glad Ginny was a heavy sleeper, she would think I was insane. Nobody in England knew my secret. It was the reason I ran away.

I buried the feelings, guilt and constant need to punish myself, make myself suffer and got the job at Gringotts. I was doing great for 3 years. I was quite proud of myself. I wasn’t hurting anyone and I didn’t let anyone get too close to me.

I allowed myself a fling here and there and I was happy with the way my life was. I could totally see myself doing this for the rest of my life and I was completely fine with it.

I was lying to everybody including myself when I said I didn’t know Bill fancied me but I ignored it, hoping he would move on if I seemed uninterested. Not that I wouldn’t want to date him. Are you serious, it’s Bill freaking Weasley, who wouldn’t want to date him!

But I made a promise to myself. I couldn’t. I knew what a good guy he was and I couldn’t allow myself to be happy. I didn’t deserve it.

I never expected him to get hurt because of my foolishness. Getting drunk and having sex with Charlie was a big mistake that I shouldn’t have allowed. Not that it wasn’t good, damn it was great and I let myself go and forgot about everything just for one night. Charlie had that effect on me. He made me forget about my worries and my troubles, even if just for a little while.

And how stupid it was of me to flirt with him the morning after and telling him it wasn’t just a one-night stand. What was I thinking! I should’ve just ignored the situation and moved on. But I couldn’t and I hated that I couldn’t. Something was pulling me closer to him. The curiosity of getting to know him better. To hear him talk about dragons. To feel his touch again. His lips against mine. His breath on my skin.

I had zero control over myself and I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. Of course, the aftermath was something I didn’t expect. Bill asking me out was the last thing I wanted and then I was stupid enough to tell him I slept with his brother. The look on his face, telling me just how much I hurt him broke my heart.

I broke my promise of not hurting anyone and everything from my past came rushing back up. I didn’t dare to ask Bill if he and Charlie talked about the whole situation. I was even surprised when only a month later Bill started speaking to me again. I definitely thought I didn’t deserve that.

After that, things calmed down again and I hoped that I could put it all behind me again. I bottled everything down before, I can do it again, right?

Wrong.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Charlie and it was driving me mad. Lyla, Lizzie, and I got drunk one night and they teased me and said that I should go work in Romania to be with him. My dumb arse actually wrote an application and we sent it that night. The second I realized what I have done in the morning I applied for the American Sanctuary too to calm the guilty feeling in my chest.

I can’t be trusted when I’m drunk. I relax too much and forget about my past and make mistakes like having sex with Charlie at the Burrow and then my actions hurt people and I feel even worse.

But the second I got the reply, seeing how excited they were to work with me I got so conflicted. They were offering me my dream job but I wanted to stop myself from accepting it because I knew Charlie worked there. I couldn’t face him, not even after more than a year.

However, I couldn’t get rid of the feeling the excitement brought me either. I just had to see him again. I wanted to talk to him and tell him everything. I accepted the job anyway, despite my better judgment. I was selfish, I know that now. I should never have done it, my mind being in a state as it was back then.

I don’t think I was ever so nervous as I was when I was standing in front of the Sanctuary gate. I tried calming myself down by thinking that perhaps I will work in an entirely different section than him and we even won’t see each other.

I couldn’t believe how wrong I was when I saw him approaching the gate. I wanted to apparate away, be swallowed by the ground below me, be fed to a dragon. I knew I made another mistake the second I saw the look on his face.

I know he wasn’t expecting me to stand there, how could he. It pained me to know that he wasn’t exactly happy to see me but at the same time, it gave me confidence. Perhaps, we can work side by side with each other and simply be friends.

The fact that I am never right about these things and usually the opposite happens could already tell me that it was only going to go downhill from there.

I tried staying away from him but I was pushing myself into him just as much. I just couldn’t help myself. In a different life, if I wasn’t as fucked up as I was, we could’ve been so happy together. I knew that and it hurt so much knowing that. What hurt, even more, was the look in his eyes every time we exchanged looks.

I knew how he felt, I knew he was falling for me and it was wrong. It was so wrong and I felt so helpless knowing I can’t do anything about it because I felt the exact same way. I was falling for him so fast that I didn’t even have the time to stop myself and at some point, I simply gave up trying.

The fact that everything that was happening between us was happening while I had a boyfriend waiting patiently for me to visit him once every 14 days made me an even worse person. I never wanted any of it to happen.

I knew I did the right thing finally giving in to all the nagging and going out with Nick. He was the only man I saw a future with because I knew how wrong he was for me but it was exactly what I deserved. An idiot without an ounce of empathy or feelings for anyone else but himself. For me, it was a match made in heaven and I knew that nobody would understand why I thought so.

I knew what I deserved. I wanted to be punished. I wanted bad things to happen to me so I could finally redeem myself for what I have done all those years ago. But nobody understood why I was doing it. Why be with a guy who doesn’t even make you happy instead of someone loving and kind?

Lyla got into so many fights with me over this. Many more than Charlie did. I know he couldn’t wrap his head around it. He caught me crying so many times because of Nick, because of my guilt, because of his gestures that told me just how much he cared for me.

And what did I do? I got drunk and had sex with him. Way to go, Rhylee! Way to break so many hearts, you idiotic bitch!

That night we spent together was the most beautiful night of my life. It showed me how happy I could be with him. How much joy he could bring me. He showed me my future with him and all I could think about was how wrong it was. How I have to run away from everything. What a horrible person I was to do this to him.

There was a moment when I thought about telling him everything but stopped at the last second. Truth be told, there were many moments like this and he knew it. He knew I had so many things I wanted to say to him but simply couldn’t. I was a coward, locked inside a loop of my own mind.

What I did at Beauxbatons was still haunting me at the time. The fact that everybody forgave me haunted me. That I begged the Ministry to send me to Azkaban and they laughed at my plea, telling me that people don’t go to prison for making a simple mistake.

That’s what they called it. A simple mistake.

A simple mistake that almost ruined my life and because of which I made so many people around me suffer. They just didn’t see it as I did and I knew they never would. But did that give me closure? Did that make me stop feeling sorry for myself and move on with my life?

No.

I was determined that if they weren’t going to punish me and lock me up, I will do it to myself. I wanted to completely destroy my life for it and be miserable as much as I can be. I will date a guy I know doesn’t love me and pretend I can’t hear the screaming voice inside my head telling me to be with Charlie because he’s the one.

He has been from the moment we shook hands and started talking about dragons.

I closed all the doors that could bring me happiness. I tried so hard to stay away yet I couldn’t. Yet I hurt him and Bill and even Nick in the process. They all suffered because I wanted to bring pain to myself.

How fucked up is that?

All because I just couldn’t stay away. No matter how destructive my mind was, no matter how much I was telling myself that I don’t deserve someone like Charlie, my body and my heart were guiding me right to him and I didn’t have the strength to stop it.

A few weeks after I told Nick and he told me that I have to stay away from Charlie, something broke in me. I couldn’t do it anymore. I made Charlie so miserable and my heart shattered every time I saw him. The longing in his eyes to save me. To do something to make me feel better.

I was completely aware of the fact that I let myself go. I isolated myself, barely ate anything, and tried to work on Kyan’s case so that I would do one thing right in my fucking pathetic life.

I was naïve to think that would do the trick. That Charlie would finally let me go. Move on. Find a nice girl and settle down with her. Be happy. That’s what he deserved. That’s what I wanted for him, ignoring the fact that I wanted to be his girl more than I wanted anything in my entire life.

But he didn’t. He didn’t want to give up on me.

So I did the only thing I thought would help him move on. I left. I didn’t want to, but I did. The second Nick opened the door, me standing there with all my bags, I knew what a mistake I’ve made.

For the first time in years, I thought that perhaps I suffered enough. Perhaps it was time to stop tormenting myself. I made a decision to stay overnight and then go back to the Sanctuary and beg Peter for my job back.

That night we fought and I suddenly started to feel dizzy and everything turned black. I woke up at St Mungo’s the next day and all my plans to return to Romania fell through when the healers told me I was pregnant.

I knew I couldn’t run now. I sealed my destiny and serves me right for doing so. I brought it on myself and since I was so convinced that I deserve a life full of misery the pregnancy was just perfect. Ironic but perfect.

I didn’t expect Charlie to come to the trial. I hoped he wouldn’t come. I just left without saying goodbye and I thought that would make him mad enough for never wanting to talk to me again. But there he was and he stopped me from fleeing.

He kept pressuring me to tell him the truth. I hated how well he could read me. How well he knew I was lying and yet I fed him more lies. I already knew the pain that he must’ve felt at that moment. How confused he must’ve been for me just disappearing, for acting like I don’t care about him.

I know he needed answers and Merlin knows he deserved them more than anyone but I couldn’t. I needed him to move on. It was too late for the whole truth. It wouldn’t have done either of us any good. I was carrying Nick’s baby and there was nothing he could do about that.

If I wasn’t pregnant I know I would’ve told him everything. I wanted to return to the Sanctuary for him for fuck’s sake. But it was too late now and he needed to know that so I told him about the baby. Just reminiscing on it makes me want to throw up. The pain in his eyes when he was trying to comprehend what came out of my mouth.

The painful goodbye when he wished for me to have a good life, knowing full well that it’s probably the last time he will ever hold me in his arms. It was good closure in a fucked up kind of way. If someone with so many mental issues wrote a fairytale I am certain it would make perfect sense.

I was fighting every muscle in my body not to go after him once he started to walk away. I knew that was it. He finally did it. He is going to move on and be happy. I regretted putting him through what I did, I still do. But at least he will be able to forget about me by hating me. It was for the best.

He deserves so much better than me. Someone who will love him unconditionally and bring a smile to his face and flutter the butterflies in his stomach not put him through the shit I put him through.

I finally got what I wanted. The punishment I thought I deserved. All my self-destructive behavior finally paid off. I was pregnant and living with a man that I despised. Welcome to my bloody fairytale!

If it wasn’t for Lyla, being the best friend she is, I would probably do much worse than hurt myself mentally. She was the one that opened my eyes and got me a therapist without even asking about my opinion.

After my first session, I decided to tell her everything. What I did, what Dr. Whitmoore and I talked about. Everything. We cried, sitting on her bed for hours. She couldn’t believe I hated myself so much to do these things to myself but in the end, she told me she understood why I tried so desperately to punish myself.

I felt relief knowing she understood and still wanted to be my friend. I was so lucky to have her. I don’t even want to think where I would be if it wasn’t for her.

A/N: I know that what Rhylee is dealing with can't be solved with 6 months worth of therapy as is stated in the story. I needed to fit it in the timeline to align everything with Bill's wedding and is the only reason why I picked 6 months. One of my best friends has a Ph.D. in psychotherapy and she told me that with everything Rhylee has been through (to be revealed in tomorrow's chapter) it is very unrealistic that she would be as fine as I wrote her to be - I am fully aware of that. I apologize if I made anyone uncomfortable with it or if anyone finds it offensive in any way.

#harry potter fanfiction #charlie weasley #charlie weasley fanfiction #the weasleys #weasley family #hp imagine #charlie weasley x oc #charlie weasley imagine #the burrow #harry potter imagine #weasley fanfiction #charlie weasley x mc #bill weasley #harry potter #wizarding world

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uwua3 · 4 years ago

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Hi Bunnie! Can I please have a drabble where Taichi, Tenma, and Juza (basically the Ō High trio) are caught up in a big argument with their soft!s/o and how they make up afterwards? So basically angst with hints of fluff at the end. Thank you so much!

ah... angst is my favorite trope to write! thank you so much for this request~ i just know i’m gonna have so much #Fun ✨! i hope you enjoy it, have a great rest of your day and i love you!!! (･ω<)☆

summary: love is a choice, not a feeling

warnings: angst, arguments, anxiety, blood, break–up(?), bruises, falling out of love, fighting, lying, mental illness, panic attack, physical violence

author’s note: each of three (3) stories follow lyrics to who by lauv ft. bts !! ♡ making this a song fic :D none of taichi, tenma, or juza’s storys align with one another in the same universe, fyi! please be conscious of tw warnings listed above and know you are loved no matter what *ଯ( ॢᵕ꒶̮ᵕ)ॢഒ*♡ + dialogue from tenma’s part follows iu & oh hyuk’s conversation in the song, “can’t love you anymore” for anyone curious :)

word count: 1,438 (taichi), 1,114 (tenma), 1,235 (juza)

music: i don’t know – seventeen (taichi), can’t love you anymore – iu ft. oh hyuk (tenma), if you do – got7 (juza)

who.

🍁🛹 nanao taichi

OUTLINES OF YOUR EYES AND VISIONS OF YOU

I THINK I NEED A MINUTE

TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS, WHAT ISN’T

Inferiority, that was what Taichi fell victim to. It didn’t matter where he was or what he did, Taichi would never change to be good enough. Not for the stage, not for Mankai, and... not for you. How could you love Taichi when he couldn’t even love himself?

You had no reason to love him, not after all he’s done, not when he couldn’t be more. Even when Taichi was lacking, you still chose him time and time again. But, why? You had to have some ulterior motive, some plan, some elaborate scheme, to use him—to break him like he deserved.

With time came paranoia, and with that came distrust. No matter how much his heart beat for you, Taichi’s overwhelming fears paralyzed him to the point of no return. What was real? What wasn’t? Did you love him for who he was, or who you thought he was?

Who was Nanao Taichi? Who were you?

THESE CHOICES AND VOICES,

THEY’RE ALL IN MY HEAD

After all, was it really okay for Taichi to do this? To accept this love even when he didn’t believe he deserved it? Was it okay for Taichi to wholeheartedly say “I love you” first even if he was aware you could have anyone else? Being in love with you was both a blessing and a curse, because while it was the happiest he had ever been, Taichi was afraid it was all a lie.

Taichi didn’t know if he’d be able to recover if you ended up leaving. Pathetic, right? He woke up every morning searching for comfort and peace in your presence, and fell asleep every night to dream of your existence. You were his source of love in all aspects of any reality, no matter where he found himself. What would happen if you disappeared one day and never came back? What would Taichi do?

Could a person like him be in love like this? Taichi couldn’t help but begin to doubt your intentions even if his heart knew you would never be a bad person like that. Taichi’s insecurities had taken over his mindset for the worse, and its effects on your relationship was becoming more and more parasitic by the day. Both of you could see it even if it took a while for anyone to acknowledge it.

When the argument happened, it was a long awaited conversation meant to be had.

SOMETIMES YOU MAKE ME FEEL CRAZY

SOMETIMES I SWEAR I THINK YOU HATE ME LIKE

You found Taichi at his breaking point. Where the thoughts became too loud, where he couldn’t hear you over his own anxiety. Even if Taichi was your boyfriend, it almost felt like he was a stranger with how little you saw him. Every excuse in the book was used just so he wouldn’t see you, and you wanted to know why once and for all what was wrong.

You soon found out everything that made up Taichi was wrong. You nearly didn’t recognize him, tired and unable to fake a smile as well as before. His room reflected his chaotic state of mind, messy and unorganized with no coherence whatsoever. Taichi sat at his desk, mindlessly fidgeting with a yo–yo with his eyes blankly staring ahead. Minature origami surrounded every surface to his name, and you realized how severe Taichi’s mental health had become.

A pang of pain struck your heart when you called his name, only for Taichi to not respond. It took a moment before Taichi shot up, stumbling out of his chair to greet you with an exhausted grin. Taichi held up his arms, about to give you a hug like always. “O–Oh! I didn’t see you there! I thought we had our date tomorrow—”

“Taichi, are you okay?”

Taichi’s smile wavered then fell, his fist clenching around his plastic yo–yo so hard to the point you questioned how it didn’t crack. His knuckles were white and his eyes anxiously watched for every little change in your facial expression, as if waiting for some sign of anger.

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” Taichi lied through his teeth, moving forward to put his hand on yours. You moved back, and that seemed to put him on the edge, making Taichi almost feel betrayed by your hesitation.

“We... we haven’t seen each other in so long... You always cancel on me, saying you have practice. What is this, then? Have you even been going to rehearsal?” You snapped, all your frustrations of being ghosted boiling over. As you began pacing the room, you narrowly missed the clothes strewn on the floor and knick knacks Taichi must’ve fidgeted with.

“N–No, but...” Taichi gulped, pulling at his dirty shirt collar, willing himself to breathe. Did it suddenly get so difficult to find air? Any other time, Taichi would’ve made a joke about how you made him breathless, but his heart was pounding too fast and everything was dizzying. Before Taichi could ask you to stand still and give his head a break, you kept going, not able to keep it together anymore.

“Why have you been ignoring me? It’s okay if you need space, but, let me know! One day, you just disappeared and never came back.” “But, I’m right here.” “No, you’re not. Not, as the Taichi I know.”

Silence hung over you two uncomfortably, the atmosphere tense. The moment you turned to leave, Taichi broke.

I NEED A WALK, I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE

‘CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW

“Who said you knew me?”

You paused, holding onto the door knob before slowly turning, meeting Taichi’s eyes. “Do you actually love me? Or, am I some charity case to you?” Taichi laughed, but it was humorless like everything was to him recently. You were quick to respond, but Taichi was faster, letting everything tormenting his mind out into the real world.

“The moment I’m not who you dreamt of, I’m in the wrong. It’s my fault, I know! Goddamn it, I know!” Taichi’s voice cracked as he fell back into his desk chair, trying to maintain his breathing to be even despite the tears. “I love you, so much. But, do you feel the same? How do I know you’re not lying? Why would anyone choose to love me? I don’t... I don’t deserve you, even if I love you.”

When you rushed in front of him, recognizing the signs of a panic attack, Taichi fell forward to grip your shirt, his fists shaking and head bowed low. Taking in a shuddering sob, Taichi tried to focus on the sound of your voice to be okay.

“I... I never wanted you to see me like this. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” Taichi cried after suppressing his emotions after so long of feeling numb. You rested your hands on his shoulder, trying your best to encourage him to breathe.

“Taichi, it’s okay. Can you hear me?” You asked, to which Taichi feebly nodded with his eyes squeezed shut. “Okay, can you please breathe after me?” You exaggerated your deep breaths in and out, eventually helping Taichi to mimic your pattern and stabilizing his anxiety for the moment.

Taichi thought when worst came to worst, you would already be gone. You didn’t run away even when Taichi’s anxiety got the best of him, you stayed. Taichi clung onto you a little bit tighter at that thought, even if he didn’t need to.

Maybe, you did love him.

After a while, you pulled back and Taichi’s arms automatically looked for you. Taichi hid his face in your shirt again, exhaling quietly at your warmth. You ruffled his hair affectionately, petting it softly to remind him you were there. Taichi was still somewhat shaking, drained from the panic attack and how strong it was.

“Taichi, I’m going to take a walk, okay?” When Taichi raised his head, eyes wide at the fear of you using this as a reason to leave, you placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

“I’ll come back, I promise. When I do, let’s talk about everything. No more secrets, okay?” You reasoned, making Taichi eventually nod. You two linked pinkies, making it a promise that this was a new start for both of you.

Right before you closed the door, Taichi called out to you, weakly smiling. “I love you.” You didn’t hesitate to respond, knowing your love for Nanao Taichi to be true. “I love you, too.”

Taichi believed you this time.

🌻☀️ sumeragi tenma

WHO ARE YOU?

‘CAUSE YOU’RE NOT THE PERSON I FELL IN LOVE WITH, BABY

“Hello?”

Tenma could tell it was you on the other end of the line, with your heartbreaking silence ruining the city for him. Leaning his head on the glass of the taxi window, Tenma watched the dazzling and glamorous skyscrapers pass by slowly in the late night traffic. While the driver tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, the star power of Japan’s biggest idols were advertised in every billboard high in the sky. Tenma waited for your answer to his sighed greeting, catching his own face smirking back at him from a commercial playing near by.

“Where are you?” You finally asked, your voice just the same as Tenma’s: exhausted. What had you done all day that made you this tired? Even Tenma didn’t know... weren’t boyfriends supposed to know? Tenma looked around, lost in the middle of Tokyo, a city that he could never keep up with despite being born in the center of it all.

“In a taxi.”

“Are you almost home?” Your voice cracked towards the end, and Tenma quickly sat up once he realized something was wrong. Before he could ask what happened, Tenma suddenly leaned his head back onto the seat, closing his eyes. He couldn’t bear to accept what he had done—or, not done—this late into the evening.

“Oh god, I’m sorry.”

WHO ARE YOU?

‘CAUSE SOMETHING HAS CHANGED

“For what?” You both knew the answer, however. Tenma couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. The date displayed upon the dashboard of the cab seemed to remind Tenma of everything he had done wrong. It was your one–year anniversary, and Tenma had forgotten until now.

“Just, for everything.” Tenma forced out, his visage suddenly no longer the splitting image of teen fame anymore. He looked much more normal, no longer sporting a wealthy air to him but rather a troubled kid with the public eye watching his every move. Luckily, no paparazzi stood outside his vehicle’s tinted windows, flashing their cameras to publish any negative headlines. Instead, it was just Tenma, his taxi driver, and you waiting for him at home.

“Please come home, Ten.” You whispered, sounding like you were begging for this one small thing from him out of his busy schedule. Tenma ran his hand through his hair, trying not to lash out and hit the closest thing around him. He didn’t need a scandal to his name, especially since that meant ruining your reputation and Tenma had already made you hurt enough. Acting like the perfect romantic boyfriend was so, so easy on screen... how come he couldn’t do it in real life?

“Why should I?” Tenma angrily retorted, and that’s when he knew he made the biggest mistake of his life. You couldn’t hide it this time, and a pained cry was muffled behind your phone as you tried to not care as much. Tenma didn’t know why he snapped at you when all he felt was frustration and shame at himself.

“Am I not a good enough reason to stay?”

“Of course you are—”

“Then, why won’t you come home?”

“...”

“Do you love me?”

I do, but I don’t deserve you. “I left my wallet back at the studio. I might not make it back tonight.”

YOU’RE NOT THE SAME

I HATE IT

“Goodnight, then.”

“Tenma, wait—by the way... Nevermind.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t think we’re in love anymore, Tenma.”

Tenma opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling of the taxi as it slowly moved forward. Why was it so blurry? Tenma thought, pulling his hand back only reveal a tear upon his finger. He was crying in public, how could a Sumeragi do this? But, Tenma couldn’t stop, he simply just dropped his cell phone into the seats and listened for the click of the call ending. It came after a few moments or so, and Tenma could feel a pair of eyes glancing at him from the review mirror.

Before Tenma could tell him he couldn’t do autographs at the moment, the driver silently passed him a tissue. Tenma took it gratefully, trying not to sob in front of a complete stranger. The driver seemed satisfied before he turned off the radio in the background, clearing his throat before speaking.

“What’s the matter, son? Do you want to talk?” He asked, but it didn’t sound ill–intentioned like an interviewer. It held a fatherly tone, one that automatically made Tenma want to trust him. Taking a minute to compose himself, Tenma slowly began retelling what had happened during his most recent call, his hands still shaking from the aftermath. As traffic stalled, the driver listened to Tenma’s relationship problems carefully before sighing, tapping his fingers against the wheel.

“Boy, how old are you?”

“Sixteen, sir.”

“You are too young to be this heartbroken.” The driver said, pausing to turn and gesture for the car to pass them. “Well, first thing’s first, do you love them?”

“With all my heart, sir.” Tenma responded without hesitation, knowing his love for you was truth.

“Then, why didn’t you say so back then?” The driver commented exasperatedly, his old wisdom and infinite experience with relationships making Tenma’s boyish actions seem like child’s play. Tenma sighed, putting his face in his hands as he admitted the inevitable that had been eating away at him for a while now.

I’M SICK OF WAITING FOR LOVE

I KNOW YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

“They deserve better. All I can give them is love, but, even I can’t do that right. What if I’m not the one for them even if I love them?”

“Listen, boy, and listen good. They love you for one reason only: because it’s you. They chose to love you, not anyone else. You may not be the future, but you’re the one right now. Isn’t that enough?”

Tenma truly took in the words, feeling a sense of comfort he didn’t know he needed after all this time. Without wasting a second, Tenma rapidly passed a large sum of bills with the most excessive tip ever, profusely thanking the driver. Before the taxi driver could refuse such money from a young teen, Tenma opened the car door and left, slamming it shut with random adrenaline.

The driver stuck his head out the window, yelling down the street, “Where the hell are you going, kid?!”. Tenma looked over his shoulder, already halfway down the sidewalk with his phone screen open to your contact. He smiled, not his classic Sumeragi grin, but a true, genuine smile filled with hope to make things right.

“To go celebrate my one year anniversary!”

🍁🍰 hyodo juza

FEELIN’ HYPTONIZED BY THE WORDS THAT YOU SAID

DON’T LIE TO ME, JUST GET IN MY HEAD

Juza hated everything to do with fighting. You could never count on Juza to throw the first punch, to start something with someone, to look for trouble anytime. Yet, you couldn’t help but despise his violence, even if it was provoked.

Juza had too many scars on his fists to forget his reputation around O High, but he didn’t mean to hurt anybody. Especially, not you. But, how could Juza say that when he came to see you after every back end alley way fight? It hurt you to see your boyfriend like this, used as some entertainment for no good thugs. Juza fell to the bait every single time, no matter what you said to convince him otherwise.

Juza promised he’d never hurt you, but how could he keep getting into physical fights like this?

WHEN THE MORNING COMES, YOU’RE STILL IN MY BED

BUT IT’S SO, SO COLD

You couldn’t sleep last night, not when Juza showed up at your door, bruised and dazed. You knew how strong of a fighter Juza was, so his opponent must’ve been formidable if he could barely find his way to your house. It was too late for a school night, but here he was, finally deciding to ask you for help.

“Sorry, I wouldn’t have come, but...” Juza raised his hand, the bandage messily done and already falling off. Juza was always amatuer at first aid for some reason, and you could see the rough cuts underneath the blood–stained cloth. You couldn’t leave him alone at god knows what hour, so you invited him inside.

Juza made sure to never let it become a habit to rely on you, so you helped out whenever you could, even if it pained you to see him so hurt like this. Underneath the yellow bathroom light barely illuminating the cramped space, you rummaged in your cabinets for the first aid kit as Juza sat on the closed toilet, fidgeting with his school uniform jacket.

When your eyes lingered on the torn hem of his blazer for a moment too long, he ducked his head to focus on your bathtub curtain. “Better not to ask.” Juza simply stated, and you believed him. You held in a sigh and took out the minature white box to start working.

Juza didn’t flinch whenever you disinfected his wounds, and you wondered how much pain he really felt. When you asked him to stay (more for your sake than his), Juza agreed and thanked you softly. Seeing such a sweet boy bandaged in your bathroom nearly made you cry, so you just nodded and kissed the band aid by his lips.

Juza waited until you were fully asleep until he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.” Juza whispered out loud.

You woke up to Juza still sleeping, his breath quiet and arm wrapped around you gently. You were about to smile, but you couldn’t bring yourself to after seeing his bruises had gotten even worse.

How could you keep doing this when it took everything in you not to cry from Juza getting hurt?

WHO ARE YOU?

‘CAUSE YOU’RE NOT THE PERSON I FELL IN LOVE WITH, BABY

Juza didn’t come to you after that. Perhaps Juza knew how affected you were by his late night challenges, or he couldn’t wake up to your disappointment anymore, but he was gone. During the day, you attended classes with O High’s delinquent as usual. However, after school hours weren’t yours anymore. It must’ve been hierarchy season, where arrogant boys thought they had a shot against the Hyodo Juza.

Even if Juza didn’t come by anymore, you still couldn’t sleep. How could you when all you thought about was if Juza was okay? Did he make it back to the Mankai dorms that night? Who’s making sure he’s okay? Is he even okay? Every time you closed your eyes for a split second, you’d see Juza’s gentle smile with a band aid on the corner of his lips. Day became night and it was all the same, since you were awake to experience it all.

You kicked off your blankets, throwing your pillow off your face as it landed with a thud on the other side of your pitch black room. Turning on your phone screen, your tired gaze read the time of 1 A.M. Juza was surely still awake, it wouldn’t hurt to just call him... right? You unlocked it as your finger hovered over Juza’s contact, hesitating.

What would you even say? That you missed him? Did Juza even miss you? You called Juza anyways, anxiously listening to the rings go through before hitting voicemail. Juza always answered your calls before... what happened?

“Meet me soon. We need to talk, you know where to find me.”

WHO ARE YOU?

‘CAUSE SOMETHING HAS CHANGED, YOU’RE NOT THE SAME, I HATE IT

You were right to bring your first aid kit.

Behind the fence was a sunset casting a boy’s shadow across the pavement. Juza hopped the gate easily, landing beside you and avoiding your judgement in the process. You knew exactly why—all because of that unmistakable mark on his face. He couldn’t even hide it.

“Heard your voicemail. Is everything okay?” Juza roughly cleared his throat, settling to lean next to you. You shook your head, unable to find the words in the moment. You just held your hand out and Juza’s put his on top of it automatically, fingers tensing before holding yours. When Juza squeezed your hand once, you wished he could be with you forever, away from all that violence and high school fights.

“You didn’t answer my call. Why?” You questioned, straight to the point. Juza never lied to you, so he looked away and frowned, trying to phrase it in a way so you wouldn’t worry. “Better if—” “If I don’t know, right?” You interrupted with a sharp tone. Juza winced, knowing your anger was justified.

“Juza... I’m so tired.” You started, knowing it was both physically and mentally. “I love you, but I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

Juza’s eyes widened, standing up straight and putting both your hands in his. You shuddered and tried to keep your breath steady, looking towards the ground. You never noticed how scuffed his shoes were, you wondered what they’ve seen.

“What? I thought we were happy, I love you—”

“Do you really? Then, why do you keep fighting?”

Juza didn’t have an answer. Even he didn’t know himself.

I’M SICK OF WAITING FOR LOVE

I KNOW YOU’RE NOT THE ONE

“I can’t be with you if I don’t even know if you’re okay.”

“I always win—”

“That doesn’t matter! I just want you to be safe, why do you entertain them? What would your family think?!”

“Don’t. Don’t... bring them up.”

“Juza... this isn’t right for you. Please, give it up.”

“I can’t lose—”

“So, you’re choosing to lose me, instead?”

You didn’t wait around this time. “Call me when you change your life for the better.” You left, leaving behind a boy with a broken heart this time.

Juza stared at his hands, their surfaces uneven and calloused from all his years of violence. Something had to change, Juza couldn’t lose you.

When you received a call from Hyodo Juza, you accepted it.

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