#personally i try to keep that energy going. but ppl are too scared to express their pain on here anymore bc some of yall normalized

[snekdood]

remember when it was the norm on here that if someone said they wanted to kill themselves, people would try to convince them not to and anything other than doing that was seen as fucked and wrong by default no matter what?

yeah.... i miss that

[ffntroco]

*another deep sigh*,

Y’all the devil really is working. As you know or don’t know I’m just in a space in life where I’m just trying to you know lead a very straight path. Keep tunnel vision, but bitches keep fucking with me and it’s so annoying. Bro my boss got me freaking arrested simply because what? Who I am or what I look like(which can mean a variety of things). I have all the odds stacked against me. I’m black, queer, and male. I face so much disrespect simply because all of those things and these past two years taught me a lot and taught me the importance of being able to fend on your own. Why I didn’t call myself trans or anything and don’t take part in a lot of the community things in my town is simply because of the fact that I’m not welcomed. Wherever I go I’m an other. Personally I feel the whole movement of creating segregated communities came about because of segregation. Due to that everyone who felt they didn’t belong simply because they didn’t know themselves then created all these separate communities to find a place out of the fear of individualism. Being an individual someone who don’t look like, act like, and even carrying the same burdens comes with a lot. You have to be strong, confidence, aware and simply love themselves. That’s what I see when mfs are attacking me, trying to block me from being able to work or make money, calling me slurs, the sexual abuse and harassment which caused me to be exiled. All of it is simply because ppl don’t love themselves and is scared of themselves. When your face to face with someone who knows their worth and owns it guess what that energy is intimating to most. And you have to be strong enough to recognize THAT IS NOT NY FUCKING PROBLEM. Your intimidation and need to create this fictional character in your head of who I am bc most of the times it’s projections. Projections we either submit to accept or projections we send back to rebel. Truth is all in perception to be honest. That’s it. A simple reaction.

What do you see in the mirror? Do you love what you see in the mirror? And how to you express that love to yourself?

Because I see beauty after all I been through and go through I’m still here. Still able to share breath and still able to give love. A little hope. They keep trying to take my ass out, but I am here. Just like you I have life experience and life challenges and I’m here to share. You know people like me aren’t supposed to have anything. Me identifying w/ my femininity more and me loving to feel and look pretty a lot of hate is spewed my way. You’ll think that it wouldn’t because before I began my actual physical transition even with my beard I would get called a women, men would approach me calling me lady, asking me bc they was confused. Even as a kid boys would say they thought I was a girl with an Afro. I was always androgynous very comfortable with both sides of me and was aware of my ambiguity but inately I know what I was born as. lol. That’s why I say no one really cares, but if you’re beautiful people care not even physically but your aura. The outside helps lol.

Lately I’ve been needing to hold myself extra hard and accountable because the abuse my whole arrest situation was just an abuse tactic and a warning to the others if you get out of line this is what can happen to you. Racism and the ideology of slavery isn’t gone and the treatment I receive here shows me that as well even within the lgbtq community. It’s a hierarchy system only those are supposed to be in certain positions to keep those in check. It’s about what you do when you’re put in that position you can get in line or you can be an anarchist like me. I’m too much of a Gemini to follow trends and systems. My brain is way too intellectually manic for that so I’m gonna register that critically and do it in the way that makes sense to how my brain is saying do this. It’s what works for me. Back to the aspect of individuality. I’m an individual and I’m gonna be me. Trans and all. I don’t care. And I’m keeping my piece and my name because guess what that’s me. Apart of what makes me…me. A trans empress. Goddess if you will. And I carry myself as such. And I’m not stopping until my life reflects that. Stay beautiful. Fight the good fight and never stop going. Never. Through hardships as well as when the more easy times come in to play.

Comment 😈 if you read all the way through.

[txthots]

An estimation and analysis of Beomgyu's chart

firstable....... beomgyu has so many sun aspects. and his big 3 (his sun, his moon, and his rising) are water signs. So by default, this means he’s most likely sun dominant, and water dominant. These feel like 2 totally opposite ends of a spectrum lol... so I’m assuming his emotions are really all over the place. But! Being sun dominant means he’s very bright and energetic as a person, very cheery, and just so <3. And water dominant ppl (in my opinion) make the best domestic lovers. Best at cheering up his partner in literally every aspect, and when he says “I’m txt’s energizer” he means that shit quite literally lol

-sun in pisces, moon in scorpio. I bet he can pick up on another person’s tastes very quickly, so he’s most likely going to know you and your body like the back of his hand through your body language. Both pisces and scorpios are pretty intuitive signs. He’s most likely placing a lot of emotion into it when he gets intimate, so he doesn’t just do it with anyone. That person’s gotta be special. He places a lot of emotional value and intimacy into sex. Also a major sub. probably into roleplaying and the thought of being /yours/ so whoever has him better mark him up good.

-cancer rising. Beomgyu is bout the prettiest and softest boy i done seen he gotta be a cancer rising. He’s so gentle and fairy like!! and he’s sweet and caring, too.  But cancer risings tend to be pretty hard on themselves and criticize themselves a lot, despite giving so much love to everyone. For example, do you guys remember when he hurt his ankle and cried during that showcase? All I can think about is how much he put himself down because he thought he screwed things up and it made me so sad :((( like he needs a hug and to be told that he’s doing a great job. With his venus square his ascendant, it’s probably super important for him to make good impressions. That being said, he needs a lot of praise and he probably has a praise kink. He most likely is really into being called baby boy, he probably lives for affection when you two get it on, and he reaalllyy appreciates a gentle voice just telling him what a good job he’s doing on someone. Also, again, major sub.

-Mercury in Aquarius in the 8th house. He thinks it’s important that you tell him if you find anything wrong with what he’s doing, and vice versa. When mercury is in an air sign, there’s a pretty logical communication pattern and he’s probably pretty emotionally mature once he’s comfortable with projecting his opinions. However, because his merc is square saturn he probably is a little scared to bring things up at first. He wouldn’t be as reluctant as Yeonjun would be to talk about things, all he really needs is a tad bit of coaxing. Is good at staying set on his goals so... when he says he’s gonna make you both cum hard that night best believe that he means it lol. His merc being in the 8th house makes him a little paranoid, so again, he needs a lot of reassurance. Like Soobin, he’s also the type of person to ask “Is this okay? Did you like that?” But it’t not out of responsibility like Soobin seeks to get. It’s just second nature for Beomgyu. He’ss genuinely so scared that he’ll do something wrong :(((( it’s so cute.  Kind of curious, so he’s willing to try new things.

-Venus retrograde in the 10th house in aries. Tbh..... will probably like spending money on toys klefEKGAEKJN but on a serious note he’s one to feel really deeply about things, and is a tad bit dramatic. A bit shy when it comes to doing it with his partner the first few times, and it’ll take a lot of reassurance and praise to get him comfortable. Self love is also an issue for him so make sure to tell him how nice he looks!!! Once he’s truly comfortable he will flirt a lot, and it’s quite charming tbh. and the art of making love is a very passionate and deep thing for him, it’s not just fucking to him. He wont ever have one night stands, thats for sure. He most likely gets jealous really easy because his moon is in scorpio and his venus is conjunct juno.

-Mars in sag in the 6th house. I know yall thinking about his size... He’s an average size. His mars is close to scorpio and his pluto but it’s completely opposite jupiter. Mars in sag makes him naturally athletic so the stamina is high. He’s really just a ball of energy omg :’) He’s also really spontaneous and is one of those guys who will surprise you. And dare i say we have another bratty bottom lol.... He’ll be the type to just say whatever to his partner just to rile them up just so he could get someone to put it down on him once he’s truly comfortable with a partner. an even bigger brat than soobin. demanding when he feels confident, but not in a mean way he probably just asks for you to do more to him. Expressive and a bit loud in bed, and he probably likes angry sex but not where he’s in a position of control. If you ask him to dom in that situation he wont be that harsh but he can sure look the part, if that makes any sense.

-Jupiter in gemini in 11th house. His jupiter is opposite his pallas. I’m gonna try and say this in the nicest way possible, but beomgyu is a bit of an airhead alfhanlska and he most likely doesnt get subtle hints. You’ll most likely have to be specific with him and explicitly tell him what you want. that’s probably why once he gets comfortable with someone, he takes communication seriously. He’s also a bit of a romantic!! that’s so cute :(( loves to be social.

-saturn in taurus in the 11th house. Not very impulsive at all. takes a lot of time making moves and if he brings something up that he likes/dislikes, he’s most likely thought about it through and through. Than being said, he probably really doesn’t like being judged about things and really doesn’t appreciate being kink shamed!! He’s also the type of person to be friends with you before he becomes your lover. 

-neptune in aquarius in the 8th house. very loyal and does not like to be controlled, so if anyone doms him they cant /dom/ him.... idk how else to put it. like you have to be very nice to him and make him feel safe, dont make him feel like a belonging, just like make him feel special. also i dont think he’s completely straight either given that neptune is in his 8th

-uranus in aquarius in the 8th house. again, just the type to take a lot of your feelings into consideration and makes sure youre good too. likes to go with the flow of things. I hate that i keep saying this but it really does take a lot for him to get completely comfortable lol, but when he does he’ll be truly happy because he’s the type to love freely and without boundaries. when he expresses something that he likes or dislikes to you, its a big weight off of his shoulders so please take him seriously!

-pluto in sag in the 6th house. Again, doesn’t like to feel constrained. now that im thinking about it, things like bdsm or any type of sense deprivation are probably a no for him. He wouldn’t be opposed to trying it, because he does like trying new things, but he probably wont really favorite it. 

in summary, beomgyu is soft subby babie

[normal-thoughts-official]

Okay hi can i just pls throw out this idea i have in my head because i have literally zero friends to talk about malec with and i love your blog fhksghs but anyway i have this headcanon that alec is autistic because like, he's kind of stiff in his movements and he's straight to the point matter of fact but he's so very very empathetic and he feels so much and maybe he's been masking his entire life because his way of being is "Wrong" (and on top of that he gay) and people beside his siblings (1)

don't really get him and honestly the fact that he doesn't always find the words to express himself especially when he's scared and upset makes sense and maybe with the masking thing the only way of stimming he's ever allowed himself is that jerky lil hand shake thing he does or the pinching of the skin between his fingers. also!! im thinking that's why he's so good at archery and not AS good at hand to hand combat because archery doesn't take as much coordination and he noticed it was easy for him so he kind of hyperfixated on it as a kid and it never really left and it makes sense with the self harm thing. it's so common for autistic kids to take out their frustrations and sadness on themselves and if alec doesn't allow himself to stim that jittery energy might just turn into frustration and anger he doesn't understand or know what to do with so causing pain to get it out becomes the only way he knows how to cope. anyway THE POINT i'm trying to make is i've kind of adopted the headcanon that magnus has adhd as well so he kind of complements alec where he struggles and the other way around and as they get to know each other they kind of start finding new ways of coping together and allowing themselves to be exactly as they are with each other. alec finds ways to stop masking and starts to come to terms with who he is and what he's like because he's never really identified with anything but his masked persona and magnus finally has someone who understands him

also i get that like... this headcanon is not new at all. i just haven't seen it being discussed a lot just like magnus having adhd is something i came across like two days ago so idk how big that headcanon is but yeah snglbghk sorry for taking up so much space i guess im a lil fixated hehe thank you for your time

okay, first of all i just want to say that i’m thrilled that you wanted to share this with me, specifically, especially since this is clearly meaningful and important to you. and don’t apologize, i love getting ranty asks tbh, they are the best dajsaijdadja 

for the hc! i totally agree with you on autistic alec, that’s not an uncommon hc because yeah he does have like... a lot of autistic traits lmao (altho there’s a lot of hm. gross ableist content involving this. but anyway) like i’ve been talking recently on here about alec’s honesty and his complete unwillingness and even unability to understand like, mind games and flirting and such and how that draws magnus in, and i definitely think that is directly connected to his autism. like the whole throwing hints and innuendos and flirting ;) ;) just doesn’t fucking make sense to him and he’s very in contact with his feelings and why would he not? be direct about them? you know? and magnus has had to basically teach himself to be able to do that (because well autism and adhd overlap and he’s probably had to struggle a lot to pick on social cues too, and learn these little tricks. this also probably has to do with the personality that he chose for himself, like, that whole over exaggerated over the top kind of careless thing, because then he can pass off his rambley tendencies and other ADHD traits as just... him being careless, i guess. so he lays it particularly thick so that the parts that are actually there - his tendencies to ramble and hyperfocus, lack of attention, sometimes unawareness of social cues - end up less visible under the veil of his exaggerated persona) and it’s so damn good. and important. to not have to. to be basically forced not to. because alec doesn’t engage in those. he’s completely honest. and he offers magnus a space where he can be, too

and i just duahdsiuahda love autistic/adhd solidarity malec (and also autistic/adhd solidarity mag&raph but that’s another topic. lêx shut the fuck up about raphael challenge. actually send me asks about autistic raphael pls yall). especially because like i said. magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to mask his ADHD traits! but it’s exhausting, and god it feels so good and he’s so fucking happy that he gets to stim, and ramble, and just be himself with alec

even if it definitely takes him a while. i think longer than it takes alec. because alec 1- is not as good as magnus at hiding it, and 2- sees no reason to hide them from magnus, because once he trusts, he trusts, and he’s all in. i think what would take alec the longest would be to stim - because he’s so used to suppressing those it’s almost second nature - but stimming is exactly the one thing that magnus still kind of allows himself. especially with magic, you see the way he’s always conjuring up little balls, doing sparks with his hands, rubbing his fingers together, etc etc etc. and alec picks up on that, the ways that he stims subtly and without hurting himself and maybe starts doing it too. we even get to see him rubbing his fingers in a similar way that magnus does sometimes, after they meet, and i think that might be the beginning of that process

so that definitely applies to what you said about them helping each other out with their greatest difficulties! like magnus is most uncomfortable letting go of hiding his traits, and alec is most uncomfortable with stimming, and they slowly- well, not coax each other into it, but walk that path together, especially as they also walk their career paths and earn more respect and space, and their relationship path and learn to be more open and earnest with each other and work together. you know? magnus sees that alec keeps picking at his own skin and hands, and he’s like... all lovingly healing him, and telling him that he should stop hurting himself, and alec tells him that it’s just. that he feels like the world is so sharp, sometimes, and he just has all that energy, and he doesn’t know how to let it out, and it’s too much, but he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he just. picks at his skin. and magnus looks up at him, brows a little furrowed, a little in shock and also. a good kind of surprise because he understands? and he’s happy that someone else understands? and that he can help with this?

and so magnus is like “i feel like that a lot, too. having magic helps, but well, there are other things i do” and then he tells alec about how he rubs his fingers together instead of picking at the skin and how he taps them and does the little wrist shaking thing and how that helps. and alec starts to figure out other ways to stim that work for him and don’t hurt him. magnus also tells him about jewelry and how that helps, having stuff to fidget with/focus on, and well alec is not big on jewelry but maybe he starts wearing a chain under his shirt, and there’s always the wedding band :) which we already see him fiddling with a lot in canon anyway so i definitely think it serves the same purpose for him as magnus’ jewelry do magnus. plus, it’s grounding and reminds him of them, which is also a bonus

and then there’s also everything we see in canon, about alec just. wanting magnus to be exactly himself and telling him that? seeing the way magnus is tapping his foot and then stops when he approaches, and he’s like “you can keep going,” or the way that he sometimes approaches magnus and is all like “i can tell you’re thinking too hard about this conversation. i don’t want you to say anything but what you feel. it’s okay” and magnus slowly relaxes and allows himself. or when he catches himself mid rant about his hyperfixation and he feels ashamed but he turns to alec, about to apologize because he just started talking way too much and way too fast about fucking wormholes and astrophysics again and alec is probably bored- but he turns and alec is staring at him with his usual, open adoration that always takes his breath away, and alec is like “no, i love hearing you talk” because even if he doesn’t understand what magnus is talking about, he loves how excited he is and to see him happy. plus his voice is so nice and pretty and just hmmm very good for the senses you know, like it’s just nice to focus on. so magnus does that little half smile of his, super pleased, and keeps talking, except this time gesticulating even more wildly and like flapping and going into detail without holding back, and he’s just so happy, and alec is so happy, and so in love with him duaudsaa

also them being sensorial heaven for each other :) alec wanting to hold magnus after he’s had A Day, and he just wraps himself around him and buries his face on his neck and feels his presence there, you know, focuses on him and his touch and hair and nice clothes (magnus picks clothes pretty much based on texture because he can’t stand some, and others, like silk, are just perfect so he has a bunch of those, and alec likes the same textures too so that’s great) and stops focusing on other noises and light and other things that might be giving him a bit of overload, you know? but also he doesn’t feel like, trapped, so it’s great. while magnus is enveloped in his arms and having all that stimuli from alec touching him and again he can laser focus on that and feel like his brain calms down a little. and it’s perfect for them both. sensory healing cuddles. perfect

and when either of them feels like having their space or not touching because Too Much, that’s okay too, because they both 1- understand, and 2- are mindful of each other’s space always. magnus especially, we see how he’s very careful with getting into other ppl’s and particularly alec’s space, and alec appreciates it because he never feels invaded. but he also learns when magnus needs space, be it alone or just a broad space to Flap Around in, and he always gives him that when he needs it, and magnus is so grateful for that. and it’s just duaihdsiahdasidaihahdah god i fucking love adhd/autistic solidarity malec thank u for coming to my ted talk

[pastelgrungecity]

vent

this is just a vent. i don’t really have anywhere to put my feelings and i just want to spill everything out. i used to vent like this on da a lot but tumblr seems like a better place to do so.

this vent is extremely self centered and basically a big “boo hoo woe is me” pity party. 

this was supposed to be a good year. i was supposed to start fresh. i mean, i still am. i’m still going to move far away from the physical locations of my trauma and where my ptsd originated, but... but then 2020 happened and it’s been so damn hard to be hopeful or excited.

we lost one of our beloved dogs. i lost my bunny cagney. my uncle passed (which honestly has been harder for my mom but it’s difficult to see her in pain). there’s a lot of grief in me that sealed itself up and i can’t get it out. 

i was doing so poorly in april i had to get a medication change. and it worked!!! it worked!!! after the new meds and a 2 weeks of respite i finally resembled a human being again!!

but then i had to go back to work. i work in healthcare. normally i love my job. but the past 5 months have been GO GO GO GO and i’ve been busier then ever. i have to deal with ppl who may be sick. i’m so scared. i am amazed i haven’t gotten covid yet. 

i have become overworked. i cannot relax. i cannot recharge. i cannot escape. i spend my spare time sleeping or staring at my phone because i don’t have the energy for anything. i have been snappy and irritable with my coworkers. i feel as though i’ve failed people. i cannot function well or cope. i have gained weight from stress eating. i’m extremely lethargic. every day i dread getting up and every person i have to interact with almost makes me burst into tears. 

i hate being mentally ill but “normal” enough to “pass”. when things aren’t too stressful i can usually keep up a “normal” appearance. but its been 5 long months of no time to heal and i slip further and further each day. people don’t get it because the version of me they know isn’t going to wail uncontrollably and rock to comfort myself. they don’t know the me that has a trauma flashback from a subtle touch or expression that sends me into a disassociation episode. they expect more out of me then i can give. they are confused. but they would shun the truth. 

i have not hit rock bottom. but i feel like shit. i know i am depressed. 

i just have the rest of this week and the next one to get through. then i can get my affairs in order. then i can get all my stuff and go across the country. then i can rest a little more. 

i just want to sleep, play games and draw comfort art. that’s it. i just want time to do absolutely nothing. i need to do nothing to heal before i put myself back out there.

i am still trying to find ways to make myself feel safe and okay. 

i just have to be strong for a little longer

just a little longer

[xhaotixaesthetica]

College! Jaebum x Kinda Mad Genius! Reader

Starlink Intergalactic Navigator 

You are in: a genetic mutation of Gaia, the dwarf planet 

look at this cute ass idiot ugh my heart

so WE’RE GONNA SPICE HIS AU UP A BIT totally not because I’m already sick of the same reader inserts, just enjoy this as a story and don’t complain pls

in this au you’re an astrophysics and computer programming major, minoring in bioengineering

in other words, you’re smart af

like you’re one of those child prodigy kids

Graduated high school early and took a bunch of AP's and CLEP tests so you’re way ahead and somewhere in between a junior and a senior but since you’re so young, you just say you’re a junior

you literally have the IQ of a genius and a bunch of Ivy league schools got in a fight over you but you were like nah nah i want something fUn so you came to SEOUL WOO HOO

you get A's in everything without even trying but that's OK because it leaves more room for you to do more SCIENCE

currently in a polyamorous relationship between you, Math, and Science

you’re really fascinated by the complexity of the universe but at the same time really into physics and math so when you found out that astrophysics existed when you were like 12, you knew that was it for you

you barely have time to eat, much less be fashionable, so you wear pretty nothing but jeans, huge hoodies, Converse, and a super hero t-shirt underneath (same but just because i’m too broke to dress nice)

with good brains comes bad everything else and you’re a hot fucking mess

clumsy, notes scattered all over the place, writing astrophysics shit in the margins of all your papers and doodling constellations on them while the professor lectures, it’s bad

you’re actually kind of extroverted and hyper but you just focus all that energy into astrophysics so everyone thinks you’re a hermit

you’re not obsessed with video games and comic books specifically, you’re just obsessed with space

like Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Ender's Game, Prey, Alien, Dead Space, and even Halo, you love em all, cause fuCkinGH spACE MAN same i’m a space gay

you aLwAyS pLaYS THE FUCKIN SPACE OVERTURE ON YOUR PHONE AND WALK IN SLOW MO INTO YOUR APARTMENT AND YOUR ROOMMATE IS LIKE I HAD TO WATCH THAT WITH MY OWN TWO EYES

always writing reminders on yourself but they only help 60% of the time because you’re a hot mess

you can play the harp and the sitar?? the most random ass instruments, you literally have your harp in your bedroom and your sitar in your lab and like they were gifts from one of your cousins and you’re really protective over them

whenever you have a mental block you sit cross-legged and start playing your harp/sitar and chanting OM or the lyrics to We Will Rock You and your roommates are like omg they really are a mad scientist

you don't mind relationships but like no one wants to be with you cause they think you’re kind of fucking insane so you try not to think about it and just blow stuff up in the chem lab

like you’re really excited, you’ll gladly talk to people and you’re really bubbly and happy and friendly but all you talk about is astrophysics??? and you’re not on like level one, no you started reading college level astrophysics books when you were 14, you’re like wayyyy past PhD level so it's like you’re speaking another language

and no one wants to hang out with you like they think it's cute how passionate you are and how fucking just warm and open you are but still no one wants to be around you cause you’re like some sort of mad scientist and they're not interested in what you’re talking about

but you keep a smile on your face and keep to your astrophysics even though you start to think something's wrong with you and start getting kinda sad

aw bby :’(

and tHEN THEY WERE ROOMMATES that's when Jaebum came along

Jaebum is majoring in Ancient Studies and minoring in Greek and he’s Captain of the Football Team

pretty much every male-attracted person likes him but ain't no one going near that boy cause he is T E R R I F Y I N G

wears all black and never says anything and then when you talk to him he just has this resting bitch face on with no expression and everyone's like I’ll I’ljust go now and he just continues reading

he’s always reading with his earbuds in, you bother him it's your funeral

and it's weird cause like he has friends a precious few and ppl know he's not cold with them so why’s he ALWAYS COLD AND APATHETIC TO EVERYONE ELSE LIKE YOU GOOD MATE???

knows he's terrifying and uses it to his advantage

has no problem glaring down people who reach for the same thing at the supermarket or try cutting in front of him at starbuck’s and they near shit themselves

does not give two shits about all the people staring at him all the time as long as they don't talk to him or interrupt his reading

stays at home unless he's at class, practice, or a game

on the Dean’s List, and a massive teacher’s pet

but still, people just like to admire him for his looks and gush about how mysterious he is and that really irks him cause no one wants to actually spend the time to get to know him he’s not even that mysterious, he’s actually a bit of a crackhead so he's like i don't need y'all i have the Gupta Dynasty to keep me company

youngjae and yugyeom rolling their eyes, like HeRe HyUnG GOES AGAIN

knows more about ancient worlds than the current world?? like sometimes mark catches him staring at technology like it's an alien concept and he's like dude you've had a cell phone since you were like 12, when was the last time you had a break from reading that, chill out for a second and come back to modern times

and jb just scoffs like i don't need your modern times and buries his head in the book again but he just wants someone who's able to talk about the present AND the past with him without ignoring one cause he thinks both are really important

anyways one day you were late to an 8am class and you were rushing and dropped some papers and Jaebum came across it and he was like what in ThE HELL IS THIS cause first of all it was almost completely illegible and then when he did manage to read it, he couldn't understand it cause it was real complex math and science shit and he looked at the name and he knew who you were cause you’re the campus genius and the campus crazy

so he hunts you down until he comes across your lab later on in the day and you’re frantically looking through your BILLIONS OF PILES of looseleaf paper and jb's just thinking about how much of a fit jinyoung would have if he saw this tomfoolery

and he handed you your stuff and you were so grateful and friendly and you reminded him of a crazier version of youngjae

he couldn't help but be curious when he saw the really complicated math and science going on on your paper and he was like what's that, how does it work, what's the history

for a full fifteen seconds, you looked at him like he was god incarnate and you like i'M gLaD yOu AsKeD

and you were talking really fast but the way your eyes lit up when you talked about astrophysics and the way the sun from the window illuminated your features jfc

jb didn't believe in love in first sight he swore he didn't

unless it was you

like even if you weren’t conventionally pretty and most people wouldn't even notice you, bummie didn’t care, it was like you were the goddamn sun or something

he stops you in the middle of explaining and he's like look you're going a bit too fast, so could you repeat what you said but just a lil bit . . . slower

and for a long moment, you were stunned jungshook because like this boi . . . this devastatingly handsome boy who blows everyone off and makes them wet their pants in fear wants to hear me rant to him about astrophysics

and he actually wants you to slow it down so he can understand instead of just pretending to listen

and like you may be a genius but JB just broke your brain for a second

but then you jump back into it like yeah sure

and jae honestly finds you fucking adorable like how excited you get about astrophysics and he actually finds himself interested in it and then he starts talking about ancient cultures and greek and you already kinda know everything he's talking about and enjoy the conversation and he's all heart eyes

gets protective over you after like 2 days???

you don't care, you’re just happy there's someone who thinks you’re interesting so you don't even notice him glaring at anyone who talks to you and always hanging around you to scare other guys off

tbh bummie doesn't really comprehend why people don't like being around you cause like??? you’re so fucking pretty and cute?? you took all his uwus reader

only takes like 10 days before JB finds out you’re really affectionate and you’re hugging and cuddling all the time but he actually???likes it

and soon he's the one begging you for cuddles and you’re like ( ^_^) ofc babe lemme just finish doing these calculations right quick and JB's like asdfghjkl did they just call me what i think they just called me

but like you guys are always hanging at your lab and since JB doesn't really talk except with you and his friends and you never talk about anything but astrophysics on the off chance she gets back to the dorm in time enough to talk at all no one knows that you guys are even hanging out

it's not long after that jae asks you out and he takes you to an amusement park and you have a FiElD dAy because sooooooo much math? and pretty colors? and cotton candy? and he's made you the happiest person ever and in that moment when he sees your face he just can't help himself like pls be my s/o and you’re like ASDFGHJKL ARE YOU PLAYING WITH ME RIGHT NOW JFC OFC

and he just drops a bomb on his friends like they're all going out to dinner and he brings you and he's got his arm around your waist and he's just like guys meet my s/o and everyone's choking like S/O We ThOuGhT YoU wErE aRo oR sMtHiNG and for a minute they're so confused because no one even knew jaebum was talking to someone much less the mad scientist person when did this happen

and like they can see all throughout dinner that you’re really fucking strange but it's kind of cute and it makes bummie happy so Welcome to the Family, we have cookies

lol friends? nope, say goodbye to those, everyone is so terrified of bummie and his resting bitch face and them muscles that they refuse to come near you cause you’ve basically got Jaebum stamped on your forehead but that's ok because somehow you became really good friends with his friends and like you have this group chat that jae's not in specifically so they can share embarrassing things for you to tease him about later

but bummie highkey encourages it because if he pretends to get mad, you’ll play your harp for him and he loves that shit

jaebum will knock the living daylights out of anyone who mistreats you or makes you feel bad

like one time yall were walking back after a date and this dude grabbed your ass and was about to open his mouth to say some vulgar shit but he didn’t even get the chance before jaebum LEAPED ON HIM LIKE A FUCKING INSECT AND MOWED HIS ASS D O W N

jae had like two scratches on him meanwhile the dude on the floor probably needed a goddamn ambulance and he just took your hand and continued walking like anyways, like i was saying, no one can give me a valid reason why I shouldn’t get a cat

yall will 10/10 adopt a cat together

well it was supposed to be one but yall were weak bitches, so it turned into 3 same

at first yall rotated the cats between y’all’s apartments but then you were both like let’s just fucking move in together omfg

bam bam constantly breaks into your apartment to play with your cats

you come and cheer jae on at his football games

the first time everyone was SHOOK 

for fuck’s sake, you just learned what a touchdown was when you infiltrated a superbowl party for the food sAME, why tf were you even here

but then they saw jae beam at you and they were like omfg, they’re these people

when they win, he runs up and scoops you into his arms and spins you around, pressing a bunch of kisses all over your face and calling ou his good luck charm and you’re screaming at him for hugging you while he’s sweaty and gross even though you’re laughing and kissing him back

when he loses, you and him go to McDonalds after he showers and you just sit at a table eating while he nuzzles his head in your neck and sulks

reader, i highkey advise you to get a couple tats or a body piercing and not tell him

just have your hoodie off one day so he happens to see the tat/piercing and you’ll see his eyes darken and he’s trying to keep calm like

“i didn’t know you had tattoos/piercings”

and he’s looking down at you so intensely he’s almost glaring

“i do, wanna try and find them all?”

you did it

you activated beast mode

whenever jae sees you upset or sad, he’ll just engulf you with his whole body and you can smell his aftershave and feel his warmth while he puts on calming music and tells you greek myths in that smooth, soothing voice

and when you have your head on his chest, half asleep, he’ll just kind of stop for a second because holy fuuck, you’re so gorgeous and you’re his? how did he land you?? he’s the luckiest guy in the world?

and when you look up, wondering why he stopped talking, you see him looking at you with just this really soft, mushy look of complete adoration and before you can even say anything, he’s like i fucking love you

I WAS GONNA WRITE MORE, BUT I GOTTA END IT NOW, I’M FUCKING SOFT HNNNGGH 

Gaia, the dwarf planet 

[gg-astrology]

Hi! I noticed no one had ever asked about a Libra Sun Aquarius Moon analysis and I was just wondering if you had a chance to do one? Thanks so much for doing these for everyone!!! It's amazing 💕

Hey there!!  💓 💓 💓 Ahh I’ll do it now!  💓 Thank you for being so patient with me I’m so sorry I’m so slow 🙇🏻‍♀️ 💓 And thank you so much for enjoying them!  💓 I just hope it’s useful for ppl out there  💓

[Below Cut: Libra Sun - Aquarius Moon 💫]

Sl/hyyyyyyy chill jus wanna hav fun

Both of this combination makes for someone who’s a lil mischievous (Aquarius) but also extremely sociable and friendly?

The friend people come to for advice, because you care but you also give it straight. The Aquarius Moon makes you a great problem solver, while Libra sun makes you observative, has good judgement. 

You balance between being personably popular with being pragmatic, you can often see what other people are ‘missing’ or what they need. You may often find yourself making sure to be there for them, to show/tell them how to get it. 

Supportive and encouraging, because you’re rather optimistic and faithful in other people’s ability to gain/grab/be the better part to themselves. You’re the kind of person who tells someone ‘its ok to fail just as long as you get up again’ -- because you believe in kindness, but you also believe in people. 

You’re like ‘hey here’s a thing’ -- but you never tell them what the answer is, they have to figure it out themselves (want to change themselves)

What you can do is being there for others (when they need you) pointing in the right direction and making them accountable for themselves. 

Because you’re quite tactful (despite being blunt/straight) you don’t ‘rush’ people or impose yourself too much onto others, especially concerning their belief/opinions. You never tell them ‘straight’ what they need to work on--- Not unless they ask for your opinion/you really think they need a clearer perspective y know? 

It’s just that some people might not be open/acknowledge that in themselves. So  learning to wait until they make an effort themselves is important for you too 

Sometimes you can see others struggle and it jus-- frustrates you because the answer is right there, you pick apart people’s behaviour and try to urge them into the right ‘path’ -- realize that this is only causing you to be personally frustrated. And you can sometimes lash it out on others ksjdnfksjn 

You’re way more invested in other people’s well-being than you realize, but at the same time 80% of you is in your own ‘self’ too. Figuring out who you are, what you want, how you feel is where your energy should be concentrated right? 

In a way, Libra/Aquarius are fun-loving more than anything, there’s a part of them that’s like....introverted/moody too sdfnjkfn. 

But with their social circle, they try their best to be there for them but damn sometimes they jus-- need to get through this alone y know ksdnngk

When it comes to your problem, you become moodier. Figuring yourself out takes time, mostly bc Aquarius is always like ‘did i?? feel sumthin’??’ even when you understand something you have to go back and find out what happened to you emotionally as well. 

Doesn’t mean you don’t feel emotions, just that sometimes you go into introspection to figure shit out. You dissect it, you look at it on angles. You do research on it (via internet) you try to understand yourself first before you feel your emotions. 

In a way it’s?? kinda scary to be emotional. You’re one of the most balanced/stable out of your friend group, and you know the repercussion of you breaking down/crying would have a large psychological impact (panic) from others. 

So in a way-- you may hold yourself back from expressing your emotions completely. Keep it gated somehow, there’s a part of you that’s genuine and authentic-- because that’s important. But it’s sometimes-- sometimes you may jus feel a little distanced. A little like you hold people at arms length even when you like them a lot. Letting people know your hardship, your vulnerabilities, your sorrows can be a little overwhelming. 

Especially when you don’t exactly know how to react when people get so emotional over you y know? 

That’s why a part of you do tend to keep things light-hearted, not just for others but also for yourself. Libra/Aquarius combination can be pretty discerning with other people’s reaction like if it’s ‘too much’ sometimes. They may not like exaggeration, because there’s a strong need for authenticity in people around them as well. 

Libra/Aquarius can have introverted/extroverted sides to them--- when you’re nice you’re moderately nice (there’s time where you sometimes act contrarian to ‘keep people on their toes’ -- show that humility is good but not everyone is always nice y know? -- again, authenticity but also like-- you don’t like deluding people or letting them think you’re something that you’re not/not unreasonable, such an Aquarius moon thing to do) 

When you’re annoyed/frustrated, you’d rather close yourself up from the ‘source’ of your frustration--- try to think through it, work it out, deal through wit it mentally/alone ( ‘i need space to think sometimes’) 

Anyways, Libra/Aquarius can be a lil awkward with strangers/new people too. They may be charming if they have to impress, very quick to adapt. But if it’s just friends/associates/acquaintances they can sometimes stiffen up and don’t know how to respond (personal/impersonal) sndksjn

Prefers instigating rather than responding/receiving? Libra’s responsive naturally, but it’s diplomatic quality is sometimes aggravated with that Aquarius Moon--controlling, the idea of things being ‘taken too far’ is a pet peeve. The Aquarius here acts as the controller ‘ok thats enough’ or ‘lmao exploit it’

This barely makes sense but basically you want to see some authenticity in others. You don’t like fakeness, like you can get the idea of a public/private person cause shi you have that too (when you’re moody damn it shows) -- but when they fake all the time, when you can’t understand them/knows they’re suppressing their own emotionality you’re like ??? idk how to reach you/I’m sus you’re not really authentic and may need help

There’s a difference between....people who act a certain way but is another, and is aware of both side to them (demonstrate it/shows it) -- compared to people who thinks they’re only a certain way and suppresses/actively avoid being anything else. You understand the former, but the latter who is oblivious to their own problems--- you have no idea how to help/deal with. 

Anyways back to you. Sociable and well-liked, with the graces of Libra. But with Aquarius Moon the individual stands autonomous from other people’s opinion/admiration from them, someone can be obsessed with them, but that doesn’t guarantee they’ll answer in kind.

The kind who does well when people like them, but they often hold themselves back from showing that they ‘like’ them back. You’re not a push-over, you have good judgement. Just because someone is in your court/likes you/trust you completely, doesn’t mean you’ll do the same. You gotta get to know them first to make up your mind about them, you can’t vet for someone blindly if you don’t actually believe in them. 

Both of these air signs are analytical, perceptive. Especially when it comes to people, environment. Naturally attuned to how people work, what makes them tick, your Libra/Aquarius are more invested in other people’s life even when you’re self-sufficient and independent sometimes.

In a way you’re humble, but you’re also romantic to an extent. You may often find yourself adjusting your own visions/scope of how things turn out, because you’re always a little scared of being lonely/left-alone. 

You may often carry too much social responsibilities, because it makes you feel productive/what you can do--- most of the time, when people question you about yourself you might feel yourself coming blank because you need to ‘think about it some more’

Make sure not too think too much/hard because you may linger in indecision about stuff, at the same time-- make sure to spend sometime actively trying to be connected to your feelings. To feel things as it comes instead of after. It’ll help with your reaction/distance you feel from others as well. 

You can sometimes give too much to others because you’re compassionate and a humanitarian ---make sure to give some back to build your own self-confidence/self-sufficiency away from people as well. 

Ok sorry for the long wait!!! 🧡🧡🧡 I hope you like it! 🧡 

[moomoof]

Stop it.

I was friends with this person for almost 2 years and it the last few months it turned into a toxic relationship.

We used to do hangouts and talk about issues we cared about on his channel but i found myself not being comfortable with some of the topics

 but if i ever voiced i didn’t want to do the show he would keep pushing the issue and i was weak to put a stop to it.

 That’s not to say i didn’t enjoy the shows cause i did buti  didn’t want ot do them all the time .

The problems started with our view points really 

I personally feel like he hid his real views out of fear of being abandoned or maybe he just posed as a liberal to ge friends who knows this is all speculation on my part after thoughts . 

This post is just to let out all my angst and frustration. 

I didn’t handle the last encounter withh im well i should’ve just said what i wanted and left i hoped he would understand but what scared me was his reactions again i wanted out of his show at least for a little bit 

i would suggest he find other ppl he would pick up on the hints ...

i was going though a rough patch with my health and i had no energy what’s so ever i didn’t want to disappoint him so 

..i told him straight up i couldn’t do it  to get our mutual friend and o  it with him he seemed annoyed at least in text

 i didn’t speak with him directly then i saw the show live with our friend and ..

his reaction to my illness was annoyance he was like she’s off ill or

 whatever the hell hshe has with the biggest eye rool i ever seen

 ...and then even if i told him multiple times

 i was ill i did'nt want to talk he tried to force me by calling my hangout

...and he was rude to our friend cause i suspect he was jealous of our friend or annoyed

 that our friend was trying out his own show i don’t think my friend picked up on this  

He lied about how his old friends broke up with him 

 Of course i believed him ....well actually no for a while now i wasn't believing him cause he lied or omitted things i found them out on my own. 

That's the heart of the issue it was a slow crawl but i woke up and wasn't going to be used by him.

Like i was saying i was sick he didn't care i told him i can really do this show cause i have things to do or i honestly didn't want to i told him that once but... a disturbing patterned emerged with him. No matter what i said or did he would act like i didn't say it and want his way. In the long run i got anxious around him any time i had an opinion he will shoot it down i couldn't express myself on my twitter feed without him screaming at me and somehow making me feel dumb.

I told him on many occasions i was emotionally abused and physically abused nothing. He of course said he was there for me to chat but i don't like talking about that stuff to ppl. But i suspect it was an empty gesture put there to pretend to be a good friend but in the end he wanted just a person to speak to cause he had issues but also he would use those issues against you. one year ago he said something awful or something like that and i disagreed true i got heated he screamed when that didn't work then he play oop i'm anxious card that then played with others and me for ever more.

He had to be right all the time. He had that stupid internet idea that if you don't have evidence of what you are speaking then you are wrong! or shut up even tho i never really went to his feed after a while cause i was tired of arguing. 

He enjoyed arguing.

Then the big event that woke me up. 

We were arguing about jill stien or third party voters actually i was talking about it on my feed and he shoved his opinion in my face....

yelled at me then i tried to be funny and say get with the program! with the clapping emojis 

He flipped a switch and said i was stupid by saying oh you think i'm dumb? really? ok then your writing skills are mediocre at best or worse actually. (yes i am aware my writing is terrible) but a personal attack like that for no reason hit me hard. 

He just...went to that , that's what he thought about me ...i suposedly let go but it churned for days i have very low selfesteem it took me years to get out of a dark head space. He knocked me down. He hates everything i am cause i do agree with him. That was my head space the next few days i wrote warnings but didn't name him. 3 changes and then i block you don't care you are my friend if you hurt me and put me in a dark space i am cutting you off. He got weirder with me hostile almost after then we butted heads and we airred things but i somehow had an inkling it wasn't safe to talk in the dms i talked in public ...it was weird i suggested we should take a break i wanted it so badly....he said no... and i caved and went back to the same shit different day. Then the last draw happened 

I hate susan sarandon's white feminism i fucking hate it i hate her i hate that she cares three fucks about what she created 

He has this weird white knighty behavior that he will attack you for talking shit about his favorite ppl. 

He also probably felt personally attacked he thinks i somehow am talking about him all time. 

We got heated i was already tired of his shit i started to withdraw from our supposed friendship. Then he did it...he attacked my identiy aka my puerto rican ness and added hillary to it he later deleted it. So he can claim he didn't know what he did to cause my silence but more on that later. He knew that after Maria the hurricane i lost family i wasn't connected to the for weeks i had to worry aobut their well being for months without being able to do nothing ...i was a wreck for months he knew i told him, it was on his show too ( he since deleted all of them GOOD!) I did not deserve this more over i had a very hard anniversary coming up as well not to mention it was september ( still is) i lost my cousin and everythign that i knew as my world this month and it was Maria's anniversary. He just threw it in my fave he used my pain to win a stupid internet argument.  I decided to ignore him for a week or so until i can figure out what to do with him, talk to him again, stop talking to him so often but still be friends or completely run away in fear.

I could not speak to him it hurt it really hurt he used my pain against me i could not trust him....and the silent treatment happened. 

The next day he acted like nothing happened and asked me if i was ready to talk about gay muppets like nothing happened ( the whole bert and ernie incident) that scared me ....he acted like everything was ok ...it wasn't it could be clear for anyone that it wasn't...

i muted his feed and muted him but twitter doesn't understand that maybe ppl want not to get notification from a follower or person you are following for a bit...

He kept liking my stuff in the hopes i would be happy? this is speculation on my part...

He commented on my posts to see if i would bite. 

 i ignored him hoping he would get it i muted hangouts cause i feared he might call 

i had growing fear my heart would race thinking he was there replying liking and dming me...

This might sound dumb but ...it isn't it is harassment...

His former friends mentioned this he would use his second account to spy on them months after the fact they blocked and left him behind..that should've warned me.

He would mention them a lot. Like i said earlier i believed them but i didnt let on to him that i suspected something happened...at first i thought well they should've told him why and then block him and during the a conversation he did something and they didn't likee it's normal ...let it go ..in my head... i nodged him to write it out and let it go in a nicer way.

 But he was controlling i saw it when he hated when friends posted somethign he would scream about it...

They mentioned that they felt free from his smug behavior that he would not value their opionions and then later one of his ex friends said it wasn't the change the channel movement but the how he held certain views on gamer gate..when i voiced my own he screamed at me cause he felt like he knew better and how dare you think otherwise!

He would go into these rage fits over this topic, if you didn't agree with him , eye roll 

condescenion and disdain. This was the topic which lied about and the ppl he lied about or omitted it cause if he didn't he could push his narrative which was that gamer gate was a good movement ...by ignoring all the misogyny and abusive behavior cause he hated ppl on the attacked side. He hated that todd in the shadows blocked him for saying awful things about his friend. He kept on and on about that...like it was a bad thing...

He believed a group of rapey men that wanted a transgender woman to die and claimed she raped her sister... i will not go further into this. 

I put my feelings on that forward he would probably be annoyed in his head about it..whatever. 

He hated lindsay ellis cause she liked the tweet that told him off for harassing todd and his friend..

Sorry to his ex friends for my words about them cause i believed him for the most part and i did care about him i wanted ot make him feel better. 

i was wrong i fed a monster.

I wanted a week of peace away from him ...didn't happen he kept on and kept on ...he even got our mutual friend involved and lied .... he lied he said to him oh she's angry at me cause i don't know i did something wrong i am worried about her ...she's sad about stuff and the world is a bad place blah blah making me sound like the problem...

remember our mutual friend can't really pick up on these things 

He asked i just told him not to be dragged into this cause i was pissed off 

then i said it was nothing i was fine. and i moved on and ignored him some more...

He kept going ...

Then finally he did th final final thing and made up my mind for me.

He tried to guilt trip me into being his friend again or even to talk to him it scared me ...i blocked him completely on everything

he said you are hurting...me 

me?! i hurt him what? he hurt me he didn't care and he dares to accuse me of something i never did so he can look like victim yet again! 

That pissed the shit outta me i got tired of his toxic domineering personality 

He wanted to control you by making you feel bad about challeging him on his views about having my own views for breathing for not wanting to do the thing he wanted on the day he wanted ...

him not caring about my illness really hurt me... he hurt me and i still have the anxeity and have it in my head his words ....i want it gone...so i wrote this to stop it! 

He was not worth it...he's a bad person toxic it's not your fault...

I reached out to one of his ex friends i needed reasurance ...i needed to know i wasn't crazy and seeing something that wasn't there ....now its over i want never to ever see him or talk to him again. 

I recount times were he said awful things like ugh when my face showed up on the hangouts ...like my face is ugly...

i took pictures he would say geez or something like that ignored it..

he laughed at my lack of furniture or equipment..to do audio work...

He even got super hostile with me when our mutual was with us...cause i didn't agree with him ...

I wrote a memorial for my cousin and he sullied it by commenting on it moments after he hurt me like a psycho...

Now i know why he kept trying to bring up his friends cause i interacted with mutuals he wanted to know if they told me about him...and for weeks i struggled to find out by asking them but i never did...

He is disturbed i am stupid for allowing it to continue to this point i don't know how far he would've taken it but my psyche could not take it anymore...

He even made fun of my drinking 

it was a terrible idea to engage with him but i honestly thought he was a someone else like a person i watched turned out he wasn't he was using an account to get ppl to like him then he change later i guess...

Maybe i'm wrong maybe he isn't all bad just immature but i don't care he scares me and hurt me...sorry for this post but i need it out of me 

[jooheongif]

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

[kuuderepunkin]

Male Inuyasha matchup pls?5’1, straight she/her, long straight dark hair, petite/slim, cute/innocent looks. Socially anxious&awks but very bubbly w friends. Insomniac&overwhelmed easily. Don't give up&optimistic. Silly-like to laugh&make ppl laugh. Bit of a temper. Sassy-teases/roasts. Speaks mind&stands up 4 others. Super supportive&friend to go 4 advice. Says I love you often&loves hugs/cuddles. Emotional&cries easily b/c I care so much. Likes: karaoke, eating/cooking,&board/video games. Tysm!

You sound like such a fun person! I hope you like your match up thank you so much for sending it in!! 

Inuyasha matchup: Koga

I can totally see you with Koga, he’s loyal and would compliment a lot of aspects of your personality. Koga is a very loving yet kind of stupid dork, but what he lacks in smarts he makes up for in enthusiasm and undying devotion. 

Koga is immediately drawn to your innocent appearance, his animal instinct just wants to protect you. You’re so small and pretty that Koga sees you and his inclination to run to your side and be near you rises. 

When the two of you start dating he loves to play with your hair, braiding it, brushing it, it’s just so nice and it's the human equivalent to grooming you and making you part of the pack. 

Whenever you get anxious he’s by your side and in protective mode, he knows you can handle yourself but understands that emotions can sometimes get the better of us so he never leaves you hanging. 

If your temper ever spikes around him you can see him get so excited and proud, his fiery little s/o is firing up to kick butt! He’s watching like a proud parent and internally cheering for you. 

You never have to worry about getting overwhelmed and being stuck in a situation you don’t want to be in, he’s ready to carry you away in a moment's notice. You’re petite form just makes it easier for him to shelter you with his body as he runs with you. 

If he can’t get the two of you out of the situation physically he’ll just tower over you and body block any outsiders from being near you. His pack is just as loyal and willing to form a human barricade around you to protect you. 

That being said, if for some strange reason Koga is around you, Ginta and Hakkaku are your personal bodyguards and willing to do anything you ask. You can start your sentence by saying “I kind of want ___,” but before you get the full thought out one of them is running to retrieve said item. 

Koga will try to join you when you roast others because he’s a bit of a brat not going to lie, he gets super excited when the two of you work together to make fun of someone. Especially if it’s Inuyasha because they argue like siblings despite not being related at all. 

If you roast him, he’ll stand there and take it- it almost looks like he’s scared but he’s so happy! You’re so cute, and you’re using so much energy to diss him that he’s not even paying attention to the fact you might be scolding him but that you’re talking to him with such passion. 

To be honest, his tail is probably wagging and he’s looking at you with so much love and adoration that you can’t really be mad that he got distracted, the best way to scold him is to be serious and not sassy. Just because he gets so excited seeing you express yourself. 

LOVES LOVES LOVES to cuddle. Koga’s like a huge puppy, please give him attention and love- or just be accepting of his affection. 

He’ll try to combat your insomnia by cuddling you and maybe having an eventful day in the “human” realm by asking Kagome for advice on how to fit in. 

Though he doesn’t really care if people stare at him, he has no shame. Which is fun for karaoke- because he doesn’t care how ridiculous he looks or sounds. And once he goes to a karaoke bar with you once, and he finds a song he likes, he can’t get it out of his head and he always wants to go to the human world with you. 

Koga knows you can be a bit awkward so he’s not bothered if you don’t want to sing a duet with him on karaoke dates. And to be honest the moment you want to sing one his heart explodes because he knows he’s a bit too much. 

He will praise your food and cooking skills, they’re like nothing he’s ever had before. And if you like to make sweets he’s so surprised because it’s not common in the demon world. He will think you’re a legit queen. 

If you’re ever crying around him he will do the best he can to comfort you, he’s willing to listen, give advice, hug you and hold you, and just let you cry if you need to cry. He’s protective and caring about those he’s close to and you’re his world so he wants to do all he can to make you happy again, but he understands sadness is part of a healthy emotional balance. He’s very soft with affection, gently holding your face and wiping away your tears, brushing your hair and rubbing your back to help calm you down. 

Koga loves PDA and just being near you, having your bodies connecting at some point. Whether it’s having your hands intertwined, his arm around your shoulder, or walking shoulder to shoulder with you. 

When cuddling he can fully envelop you, he loves to be the big spoon because he feels like he’s protecting you, and he enjoys keeping you warm. 

If you ever want to be the big spoon he’s a big excited puppy and will not turn down the attention, and if you rub his head while cuddling he’s going to melt into your arms.

[femme-energy]

I’m not going to lie I feel somewhat better after having this conversation. I haven’t talked about this man or topic in months because I didn’t feel the need to but here we are. This all stemmed from one question.

my best friend asked, “Dawg if someone were to come to you right now and say “Ana I have strong feelings for you” would you call it bullshit

I answered with:

“Absolutely. I strongly say that because i haven’t been emotionally available to anyone, not even online. I was going back and forth with my thoughts on being emotionally unavailable. i wonder if I’m emotionally unavailable because I’m scared or is it because I’m just not in a place to be vulnerable? It’s easy for me to establish platonic and romantic dynamics w/ ppl, but I realized I’m not on that time and haven’t been for awhile. Perhaps I’m emotionally unavailable b/c i can’t see myself being vulnerable. idk. what i do know is that i don’t like how this makes me feel. Vulnerability comes easy to me and i enjoy being that way with people. However, perhaps my previous relationship really fucked me up. In a way where I’m good with establishing any kind of connection with someone or maybe it’s because I can’t see myself allowing someone get that close to me again. Maybe I’m scared or I’m genuinely just okay with being alone. Or am i saying that because I’m comfortable? Or maybe that’s an excuse and use that as a safety blanket. So many questions. but to answer your question yes I’d think it would be absolute bullshit if someone expressed their profound love for me. unless it was someone from my past who still felt some connection to me but even then I’d be like “ok” and keep it pushing because right now I’m on defense mode. I’m safe right now. What if going forward I decide to be vulnerable again. Idk how i would even go about that. i get uncomfortable when men try to flirt with me or tell me how beautiful i am. When people try to spit their corny ass game. I cringe like nah I’m sorry but I’m not buying it. I’m good luv, enjoy. Thank you, next. My thoughts are scattered right now. I was just thinking about why I felt okay taking this mans money. It’s because although he finds me attractive i don’t care to entertain him so I’m going to use my “beauty” to benefit me. I’ve been objectified by men my whole life might as well make money. And then I think about sex or just intimacy as a whole. Connecting with someone mentally emotionally and physically. I don’t want to have sex and haven’t had sex since September. I don’t even think about sex until I go to bed because my dreams haunt me and clearly my subconscious is horny. Celibacy is my thing right now... even though again my subconscious tells me otherwise. I had a sex dream with fka twigs and i woke up heated that it wasn’t real. I’m so backwards which then had me thinking about my sexuality, how I’ve finally come to terms with it and how i wanna feel liberated. so then i start thinking about becoming a sex worker (dancer) and not even for the money but more so of having control of my body, to feel liberated and accepting me my beauty etc. IM ALL OVER THE PLACE.”

My best friend, “Sounds like you’re just trying to be open minded to help you figure some things out.”

Me: “dawg or maybe I’m just so lonely I’m trying to occupy myself by trying to experiment and then i start to think I’m being impulsive or ill hate myself for going down that whole i feel like i wanna spiral.”

my best friend: “do you feel lonely?”

Me: “Yeah, I mean, I miss Mal and it’s not even about the relationship. I think about this person a lot and I don’t talk about it because I wanna convince myself I’m over it. I’m over the relationship, but I miss him. I miss having the genuine connection where we actually had a shit ton of things in common. Music in particular. I miss being able to connect with someone on a level I did with him but not romantically. but i don’t have the energy to connect with anyone because i don’t want to. I’ve been lying to myself and or trying to convince myself I’m okay. Not to say that I’m not but I think about my previous relationship a lot. I think about my worth and who I was to that person. I feel as though we went through xyz and then he quickly started a new relationship with someone. I’m happy for him, but he moved fast as if we weren’t going through something. As if i was scum. So then I start questioning myself? like why am I still on that? Why can’t i move forward so quickly? What am i doing wrong? I’m not holding on to him per say, so why do I feel this way? I deserve happiness. Again, not to say I’m not over that relationship. I just don’t understand how he’s so happy with someone so fast. Ya know?”

My best friend: “Your friendship with Mal seemed like a friendship that comes once in a life time. Like separating him the person from the connection, and intimacy it’s like difficult to believe it can happen again. And it will, but maybe not the same way. If that makes any sense.”

Me: “so then Katy tried to tell me well you don’t know what he’s thinking. he could be missing you. he could be unhappy in his relationship. she’s like think about what happened when you rekindled? he admitted he missed you and couldn’t stop thinking about you. So i challenged her. I’m like well I don’t want to think that way because I don’t want to get my hopes up. And i don’t mean it in way of him coming back to me. I just know that that’s not it. I don’t even remember what sex with him feels like.”

Best friend: “Dawg, you went through a ton. And you’re the type of person to tackle your issues head on. While he’s the type of person to run from the issue to move on. It’s honestly not surprising you still about it because you still have questions you know?”

THIS IS WHERE I START CRYING BECAUSE IM ANGRY/HURT.

Me: “I just want to know how he’s so happy and moved on as if nothing happened. That’s what I’m thinking about. I don’t have any other questions for him. did he ever tell me he loved me? No, but he didn’t have to. I know he loved me. I just don’t understand why things went down the way they did when I came back around. I don’t understand why he chose to see the traumatic version of me when I was working day and night in therapy to be a better version of myself. I was in therapy for myself. To prove myself that I could be a better version of myself. I don’t understand why he wasn’t open to going to therapy to overcome the Trumatic shit we went through. If he needed more time because he was still holding on I would’ve accepted that. I never rushed him or pressed him after having a serious conversation with him about it. What doesn’t make sense to me is that he didn’t trust me but was capable of fucking the shit out of me. What doesn’t makes sense to me is that he admitted that I was Day ‘n’ Nite and how he’s always wanted me to be that person that he saw when we rekindled but couldn’t get over it because he didn’t want to try. So he leaves. I was finally the person that I always wanted to be because I was able to overcome my traumas. I showed him and to myself that I did it, but that wasn’t enough because he was still holding on to bullshit but was still able to fuck me. that doesn’t make sense to me. So he’s in a relationship and I’m glad he’s happy because I want people to be happy, but I don’t understand how that happened literally one week after him cutting me off.”

Best friend: “Mal runs from his issues Ana. Literally it seems like he has a built in “abort mission” button. And men think with their dick. They suck (most not all)”

Sobbing.

Me: “Which goes back to what I was originally saying. I wish I was able to connect with someone right now, but I can’t. So I feel lonely and occupy myself with bullshit and even then I still feel lonely. This whole quarantine is not good for my mental health. It’s so easy for me to isolate and spiral and we can’t even leave our house. I will sit outside in the sun and will feel better for like 10 minutes, and I can work out in my basement, but I’m going crazy.... Going back to the sex thing though. I just realized one of the reasons why I am practicing celibacy is because my body is sacred. my body has gone through some trauma and I’d feel triggered to have sex. I feel like having sex would cause a lot of PTSD and that scares me. Saying that out loud makes me sad because it’s like I can’t even enjoy sex. Sometimes I think about how I wish I was able to have sex with people without forming an emotional connection. Which then goes back to me wanting to feel liberated and experiment but I can’t even do that because PTSD. My body and spirit is too sacred to just be sharing it with anyone. Yes, I’m reserved but I’m not fucking boring.”

There’s so much more to say about this topic.

I don’t hate you. I’m just upset with you.

I don’t reach out to you because I can’t and if I was able to, I wouldn’t. Its always me reaching out. I’m good.

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington

[lcvebitcs]

oh boy... hi ppl, i’m DORIAN & i’ll be bringing quite a few muses into the mix --- so read below the cut to know tf i’m up to if u dare !

this is MICHAEL

one of the originals, this boy is messy af... he’s also kind of sweet but don’t trust that. don’t this no hoe.

he lives surrounded by girls. I MEAN LITERALLY. i think he has a fanclub or w/e, wherever he goes they follow him around & he’s just chillin’ & listening to music w his earphones on

so, backing up a little --- michael is the strongest & eldest sibling of the original vamp!fam. but he actually doesn’t like showing off, he hates fighting. he likes human, he likes vampire, werwolves... ok so he does have a bias against witches but tf one of them CURSED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY SO THAT’S TO BE EXPECTED

he loves his siblings to death, even if he’s not sure how to express this properly

STORY GOES, his father aka papa original had three wives, his mother was the first wife and she wasn’t all too happy to have to put up w other 2 hoes

she was ... not excited to be a mom. she didn’t want the thing. but the thing was there.

all the moms used their children to kind of gain Attention 👏

his father did not like him very much either. michael was a bit of a rebellious child, and because of that he’d often get ‘punished’. he’d also get double punished bc whatever his siblings did wrong he’d claim it was him so they didn’t have to go thru that

for most of his childhood his mom didn’t want him to socialize with the other children bc they were um.......... a nusiance *cough* but he did anyways & she scolded him for that

since he had no time to play, he learned how to do a lot... he can play a lot of instruments, though his favorite is the violin. he knows a lot about a lot.

at some point he was like i DONT WANNA STUDY I WANNA PLAY W THE OTHERS

and his mother threw him in a fucking lake bc how dare u talk back u lil shit

he almost drowned... it was not fun

michael’s not a big fan of lakes. or water in general

i mean he’s cool w showers but that’s about it.

because he had an........... unusual ;;;;;;; relationship with his mom in the past, and because he learned she had an affair with his uncle when he was v young, he started to think ‘hey... maybe love doesn’t exist and ppl just screw other other’ not to mention he was involved with a lot of girls at that same time. he doesn’t understand love. he thinks it’s a big fat lie and that’s it. just an illusion. he’ll get mad if u try to tell him otherwise or laugh it off.

he mistakes passion for lust and lust for love. it’s all scrambled up in hid head.

he helped his mom to kill his own father, but i’m not gonna lie he was pretty excited and upset he didn’t get to rip out his throat. michael will usually refer to him as ‘that old man’, never by name oops.

but then again, he also plotted w his siblings to kill his own mother so yk.

after awhile he started to think she didn’t love him as she claimed, and instead only liked to manipulate him, so they orchestrated a plan. he was to relieved the final blow, but he held back at the time and the injury wasn’t fatal. he pretty much fled and has been keeping his distance from everyone since.

he loves roses, but he hates white roses. red roses mean passion and love whereas white roses mean lack of it, so he thinks.

he loves his fedora. he never takes it off unless he’s totally at ease.

although he has had a lot... i mean A LOT of girlfriends, when he gets bored he just moves on w/o explanation. love is a foreign concept to him.

overall i say he doesn’t like being alone for long periods of time, but it’s hard to see him in a bad mood because michael is very good at concealing his emotions

he’s a very upbeat person, at least he portrays himself that way

he hates his eyes because they’re the same as his father

......he thinks killing is like a love declaration or whatever. a proof of love. i don’t... i don’t wanna be inside his head. it’s a dark place. no thank u sir.

that’s it. that’s my fedora wearing, violin player, hedonist son.

play w him carefully, he bites.

BLOG HERE

this is SIENNA 

she’s a witch, always been... ever since she was a lil bean. but she didn’t & still doesn’t know till this day.

when she was just 8 years old she was sleeping safe & sound when a vampire broke into her home, sliced up her parents and ate them.

horrified & still in shock, her cat started to tug at her ankle & guided her to the closet where she hid with him.

she survived the night, waited for her cue & dashed off into the woods

she almost froze to the death but was found in the morning by the cops. she was sent to the hospital than to an asylum & diagnosed with schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, depression & paranoia. they assumed she killed her own parents & ofc no one believed the ramblings of an 8 year old about monsters.

she was released under the care of her aunt when she was 16. she brought her to live here, where believe it or not, young sienna found her old friend, mr.midnight. her cat and most dear friend. not to mention... only friend.

thing is, she’s clairvoyant & able to enter the spirit world. when she touches people she sometimes gets these really ugly flashes, of blood and mayhem. she doesn’t understand it but she tries to warn them anyways... sometimes it’s about something they did, or are planning to do, or something that’ll be done to them.

because she channels a lot of negative energy, she does get depressed.

she works at the flower shop, though she just makes the designs, and usually isn’t allowed to interact w the clients bc she scares the crap outta them

she’ll say WEIRD STUFF AT RANDOM TIMES

ppl dont like that

she’s got really long, dark hair. large eyes. very doll-ish, but very reserved. she usually tries not to wear black or red because it reminds her of death

she likes to spend her time in the woods, she’s growing a small garden of black roses somewhere.

she talks to her cat all the time so ... yeah. she can’t hear him for reals, but i mean, she doesn’t have a lot of ppl to talk to... so it’s sort of a ‘pretend’

sometimes she visits the graveyard and starts to put roses in the abandoned graves bc she feels sad for them.

she also talks to her parents tombstones ... i’m sad

oK i think that’s it

excuse me while i cry

BLOG HERE

this is PANDORA

my only human babe. she doesn’t know shit about supernaturals lurking around, and would probably be 120% done if she figured out

so panda is like this religious girl. smol child full of light and hope, everything sugary sweet. tries to be kind even tho some people don’t deserve it

but at heart, i’d say she’s strong. she’s scared of love, of opening herself up to people. she’s reserved, shy, doesn’t approach others unless they seem like they need help.

very strong-willed. she’s the daughter of the local pastor who is also a hunter. she doesn’t know this and if i’m being real would not approve if she learned, because whether someone’s supernatural or human that’s still killing

pandora struggles with being nice to people but standing her ground. she’s not very confrontational. having people walk all over her makes her sad, of course, but she tries not to let this get to her. everyone’s hurting in their own way, so she’s not judgemental.

her older sister rebelled against the goody-two-shoes family and got addicted to drugs and ran away from home. she could never understand this, because the truth is that her sister couldn’t deal w all the lies anymore, she figured out what her father was up to and went off the rails. it’s been a couple years, but pandora still heartbroken about this, because she’s now lost two people she cared about and there’s nothing she can do.

her step-mom is lowkey abusive. not physically or anything, but she’s not a nice woman. pandora’s mom died, but pandora never learned how or why, just that she shouldn’t ask question. she doesn’t know much about her, but she does have a half-burnt picture of her mom holding her as a baby that she carries around in her necklace.

because she feels her life is so... small. her world is so tiny, she tries to explore other worlds through books and movies, music... anything that’ll make her fly away from this earth for awhile is welcome.

she absolutely loves hearing stories & will drop everything she’s doing to hear someone telling her an interest tale.

she’s young and naive, she doesn’t have a lot of freedom & grew up quite sheltered, so she doesn’t understand how the world works very well.

she also has like this tarantula as a pet bc... idk why she has weird taste i effing hate spiders. get margot tf away from me pandora I DON’T LIKE IT

she just likes collecting bugs. it’s a hobby of hers, she’s not grossed-out easily i guess ??

so this is my smol human child

love her pls ok

[gg-astrology]

What do you suggest for those who are beginners in astrology? Like how can they improve their learnings more?

Hey there!! 💞💞💞💞 Aaah what a great question!! 💞💞 Thanks so much for asking and giving me opportunity to talk about it!!!! 💞💞This can probably apply to ppl who aren’t beginner-beginner too?? 💞💞It might be good for?? content creators?? as well?? Maybe?? 💞💞

Tips for learning/progressing into astro (maybe??) 🌟

Check the ‘astro asks masterlist’ for stuff on jus… learning astro?? this also for astro, but more/extended??? something you might wanna hear if you’ve been feeling down/demotivated lately or jus need a lil pick me up/kick in the bum – for general stuff, community, things we can do/things we should guard, etc 💞

🚫long post 🚫

Keep an open mind? 💞 It’s easy to get swept up in something/join a set of mentality/believe it’s right because it’s there and people believe it or you have experience™️ that ‘justify’ the thing (‘its what i see so it’s what i believe/know’) Do your research, don’t categorize/group things together, learn to dissect and differentiate. Try not to be prejudice/keep an open heart and mind (it’s not that hard to do, you just gotta ‘check’ yourself for it)  💞💞

What you’re exposed to influences your take on subjects/topics, so be discerning and critical that you aren’t grouping things together or taking it as it is. Learning isn’t just about?? our senses right?? So combine it together (balance it out) and try not to close your opinion/guard yourself up alright (mind v senses v heart v doing stuff v learning things and retaining knowledge)? 💞  

There’ll be interpretation that connects with you and those you just ‘take’ as ‘I don’t get it but it seems right’ – make sure to find out why you don’t get it. It’s a hint that there’s a reasoning/way to explain it that rings closer to you. You might be a person who understands certain things explained a certain way, you might not. 

Figure out a way to resonate with the hypothesis, because then you understand it and you’re on top of how to interpret it. 

If someone proposes a limitation or different interpretation for it, you can adjust and learn how to incorporate it into your understanding better as well (because you get it, you understand it. It’s personal to you now – we have 12 signs in our chart it’s just a matter of connecting that knowledge together and knowing what it means as well) 💞

Find your own way of saying what you mean. Nothing is stagnant as it seems, it’s always like a little buoy in the middle of the sea when it comes to certain subject make sure to express that out and measure where you are on that sea-level as well. 

Support others, or at least try not to be a dick to them over things 💞 This is also in-line with reaching out to others and not trying to go through shit alone 💞 How does this relate to learning astro? We might not think we need people but wow does it help a hell lot (and also we do need people?? that’s a– thing?? astrology vs astronomy)💞

Have a good connective system, mutuals, friends. Be open to people and treat others the way you want to be treated 💞 Have someone to support you, catch you out on your shit or help you re-think/brainstorm the way you handle or react to stuff (buddy-system it if you can) 💞 

Knowing that someone can give you a second glimpse, double-check and wishes well for you/is in your corner helps tremendously even though logically we might not ‘need it’ (if you don’t want a ‘study buddy’ or ‘group study’ then that’s perfectly ok??💞💞 jus make sure you have someone supportive of you and your interests, people who won’t tear you down if you manifest yourself?? 

Reach out to others, it helps. But don’t use them for resource?? that’s just– a shitty thing to do with people if you don’t want to have a genuine interaction with them.💞

You’d be surprised at how many people we might hold dear might tear you down?? Don’t wanna scare you so you can skip if you want. But whether they do it consciously or not, make sure to find and genuinely appreciate the things you’re doing, the way you work/think. 

If you’re the person who others appreciate the way you work/think/what you’re doing— make sure you aren’t tearing others down. This is a thing?? Whether you’re doing it unconsciously or if you start going  ‘maybe I can do this better than them, maybe I can grow/get more appreciated’ — don’t. It’s that kind of egoistical arrogance that’s going to hurt others/your friend. 

You’re not supporting, you’re using them. Even if you think you’re bubbling well on your own/minding your own business (there’s a time/place for that)– it’s still a community of people you’re influencing. 

Try to be socially responsible, it’s not that bad and it is something you’d rather be safe than sorry about y know (being well-informed socially and using that for the better?)💞

Learn how to appreciate and support, how to let people thrive. Learn how to ‘check’ yourself and stop acting out of your own fears/lashing out onto others as well. Most of the time it’s your own experience (or insecurities) that’s making you push others down like that. You’re going to lose more friends and opportunity if you keep doing it– so make sure to get some motivation, some support (if you need that), use your voice in the community well as well. 

Brings us back to the point earlier: treat others the way you treat yourself, if others treat you with appreciation and compliment – give the same energy back?? 💞 Learning astro also depends on the community too right? So how do you want to be treated within the community/how do you treat the community? 

It’s not just knowledge, it’s also self-growth. If we want to have self-love/care/help/growth, we gotta learn how to act harmoniously with others as well. Nothing ‘self’ related is ever truly done with just ourselves, it’s how we invest, how we treat others and how others treat us (keep trying even if you fall, keep trying. We got trump but we’re still trying, right? Stop giving up hope.)  

Learn how to navigate it, instead of trying to fight it (putting the self first or others first//imbalance) Act with consciousness, the more you’re aware of how you behave/react the more you can learn how to be emotionally intelligent and socially active as well 💞

Your best resources are the people around you as well, sometimes it’s not just books or what you read online. How people conduct, react, how they insert themselves into the narrative/your life will influence what you think about them and how they think about you. 

Try to realize that we are bias, because we’re essentially human. Even when we look at things ‘detached from the ego’/well-reasoned we’re still human. No matter how unbiased/knowledgeable we think/know we are, we can’t escape the inevitable nature of our species. So the most we can do is try to keep it together ok and try to be considerate/nice (learn to let others love you/love others, is sometimes harder than learning how to ‘love yourself’)💞

If you’re more of the traditional astrologer type (heavy learning and theory, history, really fun and exciting!) — people are appreciative of things, old or new, it never hurts to keep an open-mind about stuff 💞 

Some might not even realize it’s an option, and while people might be (everyone) ‘well thats our/their fault they should’ve researched’ – it’s good to consider that sometimes our modern day life doesn’t always open certain doors up to us all at the same time (we all learn different things at a different time/place in our lives) – so make room for yourself to be curious and to grow, don’t stay stagnant in what you already know and is trying to ‘perfect’ (bc perfection is always improved, more and more as we gain more time/age/perspective as well)💞  

Theres always room to grow, there’s always room to learn more. But realizing that you’re over-stepping boundaries and making other people uncomfortable with your interpretation is also a thing.It’s?? something we should consider 💞 

Just try to be considerate of others, and be aware of how much you insert/hold yourself back, how you conduct yourself and what your influence does to others as well 💞 Have people you talk to, who can lift you up and encourage you because you deserve it (make sure they’re ok with that too and try not to pile it onto one person ok?) 💞

Don’t stop trying 💞

Low-key that’s kinda like how we behave with politics? Either we ‘dont care either way’ (which is shit for the community/direction we’re going), cares only for the self/personal gain (cough *the 1%* cough), is well-informed and feels shitty about the situation we’re in right now (depressed, suffering, either protesting or lies in bed thinking about giving up) or is just… y know, HOPEFUL but also angry and wanting to be proud of our community and ourselves (prosper/thrive stuff like that) 💞💞

Try to be socially conscious, if you’re down/drained, look out for your happiness/your own health first (pls care for your own health/well-being) 💞 For me, finding a buddy or supportive mutual works. I can’t invest time into everybody but those who I have genuine connections with, I try to keep up as much as tumblr messaging app would tell me I have a notification (it doesn’t sometimes) 💞💞

Tips maybe more specific for beginners/intermediate?? 💞

(might be more relevant? But I’m not sure what type of beginner we are because there’s– a few? But this is the main bulk so maybe give this a read even if you’re not a beginner too) 

Premise: Everything below this is after the assumption that we allread up stuff, study about the subject, research things already and is starting somewhere/in the process of starting (already interested in astro) 

*I wasn’t thinking about complete COMPLETE beginner who mayhaps might’ve just discovered there’s things beyond the sun-sign (for those that are💞: im sorry ;; I think there’s a post for that too somewhere on my blog maybe skdjnk 💞)  

So for those who are beginner astro: Practice 💞Can’t emphasize this enough 💞 We might be self-conscious about our skills, but your biggest critic is yourself and your ego/mood (or lack of it)? 💞Just try practicing it 💞 

Theoretical knowledge might get you somewhere, but we also need to know how to apply them 💞 Try to figure out how to read/interpret as you go 💞Sometimes people are like ‘uh oh, red flag. You can���t just let any lunatics out there.’ So this is out of the assumptions that you’ve been a very very theory based person (read a lot of stuff) but haven’t got the time/energy/motivation to start yet. 

Balance comes from steady progress in both, so if you dove head deep into doing something. Do your research. If you did research, start working. This is a lab exercise and the more you waste time the more you don’t know how to time-manage yourself into doing both (theory and practical). 

We improve when we learn how we work/what we need to work on along the way, but making sure you have substance in both is good for you (so you don’t fuck up the lab exercise and waste your time) 💞

Test yourself and your knowledge? 💞 Find your niche, what you’re interested in 💞 What you might want to figure out or contribute with? 💞 Having a sense of purpose, or having a friend help you check you or hype you up (support you) really helps with motivation 💞 

Dont be afraid to ask for encouragement, don’t be too prideful or overthink it too much, we all need that especially when we’re starting out – it can be lonely on your own and even if you can handle it, try to not put that weight on yourself?💞 

Jus reach out for people who can give you the time/energy, and help support each other up 💞 It’s much better than being by yourself or feeling shitty about what you do alone. Can’t stress this enough, what’s the point of having a community if you’re going to use them for resources but feels so alienated/alone and like things are passing you by (not feeling knowledgeable enough/forgetting stuff because you don’t hold yourself accountable for applying/putting it out there somewhere so you can ‘practice’ it really) 

It also helps with retaining knowledge and intuition, realizing that the things we’re learning are not stagnant and neither should our learning interpretations/methods (we’re all learning as we go so don’t feel bad about contributing or look down on yourself/your knowledge ok?)💞 

You learn more if you follow the guides but use that as a jumping board, things are fluid but there are a few certain rules 💞 Don’t feel intimidated by them, find what interests you and research it because you want to (not because you need to in order to be have ‘complete/fair knowledge’ on the subject) 💞 

Figure out a way that’s uniquely you, that you can find purpose to and explain it in your own way 💞 We’re talking about the same thing, we’re just doing it in a different way/choosing different parts of the same topic to talk about with each other (sharing is caring, but remember to like..diary entry it out? Sometimes if you push something onto others it can be like uuuuuuh?? cause no one really interprets the same way as each other) 💞💞  

Remember that where-ever you are on the spectrum (beginner, intermediate, whatever) it’s not like– a ‘conclusive’ subject. It’s not like we can know all there is to know about something and that’s the be all end all in it. 

That’s why we practice as we go, because we always think: 

‘If I know a little bit more/feel more stable with my knowledge then I can start interpreting’ — there’s no ‘end’ to the knowledge, you keep learning as you go 💞

What matters is you sharpen yourself and narrow it down to what matters to you, that you yourself progress and grow as an astrologer/person 💞Try practicing as you go otherwise you’ll feel self-conscious about yourself/your own ability forever?? 💞💞💞 

Most of the time, we only know what we perceive/interpret 💞While we can look at others and be like ‘wow! fantastic’ at what they do, that doesn’t discredit how you interpret or what you want to talk about💞  

Share, contribute, we’re all talking about the same thing just different parts of it 💞Your voice matters, and what you bring to the table even if you think you’re repetitive or being redundant it matters 💞

No one is essentially the ‘boss’ of a subject 💞We’re so scared of criticism when we first begin, even constructive ones are feared too 💞 

Closing ourselves down emotionally or detaching the ego from your work doesn’t always help (esp in term of compassion/what you want to produce/contribute or help others with) – learning how to be your own cheerleader does (*be aware of your social influence, how you affect others and what you say as well tho!) 💞

Learning how to grow, have a support system, how to accept emotional hurt instead of deny it or glide past it helps 💞 ‘it aint that deep’ but it is personal and healing to some people, it can be an emotional thing 💞 

Don’t dismiss that, learn how to feel comfortable with what you do, check that the way you come across or the way you want the information to contribute is actually having an impact you want 💞

Think of it as growing, editing and manifesting yourself to be the best person? 💞 You’re essentially trying to discover you or have a voice 💞 Whether its in the community or on the subject, learning how you come across on the topic — receiving compliments, criticism– letting it help you and take what you need from it, 💞 Let it help you grow and experience things, discover and learn more about yourself as you do 💞

It’s more than just the subject right? 💞It’s the experience of learning and progressing with your knowledge/ability as well, what it takes to get comfortable/stable enough and to be efficient with it 💞

It’s figuring yourself out 💞 Like learning art, you figure out your own style what you want to do and you have different characteristics from each other 💞 It’s a constant learning progress 💞 So it’s not like, a completely different learning process than art (you can see your progress, no one stays the same when you practice– you’re not the same ‘artist’ or create the same ‘art style’ that you have when you started, with astrology it’s a similar thing– not completely the same but similar)

For beginners, knowing that you yourself is holding you back from doing stuff, starting stuff or criticizing yourself because you’re scared others going to criticize you (and beat down your confidence/happiness/ego) is something we’re going to have to tackle 💞Self-imposed fear, constant watching our back or just being afraid to share (procrastination/putting it off until later) is what’s stopping you the most. 💞 

Do something right now, post something. Even if it’s small. It’s a start and it makes a huge difference (what you envision for yourself, how you want to contribute/manifest, what kind of person you want to be– if you’re more of the type to think about your ‘purpose’ as well)

Getting into the habit of doing something because it feels like a relief, like you’re expressing your own knowledge. Like you have more voice or is just confidence in something. Helps. 💞

Even if no one sees it (which is probably what all beginners are praying for skdjn) even if someone yells at you (fear conjured by our own anxiety and wariness of the cancel culture??) you find your own footing and you know your own path. You figure out what you want to do from there because you know you and you know how to write stuff for yourself, alright? 💞

I think for complete beginners getting over this initial fear is hard, like the hardest thing because we might feel we’re essentially ‘putting ourselves out/up there for criticism’ – it’s easy to be cynical/closed-off, it’s harder to be confident/content with ourselves. Learning how to do this for you, to say it with your own voice. The astro community is vast, if your voice isn’t someone’s cuppa tea then they’ll leave? If they like your opinion/want to hear you clarify more, they’ll ask? 💞 

Treat others the way you want to be treated?? 💞 That’s the best advice I can give you if you don’t want to deal with what you fear?? How you talk about stuff, what you say and what kind of people you’re talking about matters. If you talk more shit than you actually give back, then you’re going to attract more shit to you as well? It’s in how we conduct ourselves and how we figure us out (*for how to help ourselves, sometimes shit happens and sometimes it’s hard to get over a past experience or let prejudice color our lens)   💞

We grow and learn, and sometimes we’re embarrassed by our past behaviors– so make sure you’re looking out for your future self as well 💞

Sometimes our fears and ‘ill do it later’ is bigger than our happiness and actual knowledge. You undermine yourself, and your own mind and paranoia is sometimes your biggest foe 💞 

Who’s the one who double checks everything they write? Who’s the one who doesn’t carelessly make up a post because they don’t like getting backlash? It’s you. You’re your biggest editor but also your biggest push back, learn how to be spontaneous and do things now 💞

Mmmm another thing that might be hard for beginners, but will help them a lot is ‘jumping off’ things (applying knowledge). People like interesting posts right? We like things that are beyond the basics, because we know the basics. That’s the guidelines, and sometimes we look back and see interesting posts there too! 💞

But the point is, you gotta learn how to find your own voice and make posts that personally interests you? 💞 Posts that makes you invested, that makes you feel personal. Posts that gets you to self-express your voice 💞 

Applying knowledge isn’t hard, you can do astro-notes for yourself and that’s a pretty efficient and productive start already? 💞 Finding your own methods or what kind of things you want to talk/post about helps too 💞 

Doing things for yourself generally helps alot because it’s there to add to your own voice, your own observation and knowledge in something beyond just theoretical. It’s also there to share and contribute with others 💞 The more you notice, the more you learn how to apply 💞

More and more, you learn how to grasps not working so point by point (I’m learning this and then I’ll go learn that) but how to weave them together and how they differentiate? 💞 That’s where you wanna be at right? Where you can talk about some astro philosophy and re-work how you think/interpretate/learn stuff and share that with others as well 💞

Anyways, those are just things that might help. To keep in mind? Just do stuff. Like do things. That’s how you find support and learn about yourself. You’re never not going to like ‘you’ when you start doing something (like going to a dance class for the first time, trying out something you like. You might be nervous/hyper-aware but you come out knowing where you stand with the idea of it continuing)– you’re going to look at yourself and want to edit more and more. So make sure you start, so you can actually do something with it too! 💞 

ALSO TO NOTE: Try not to be prejudice. This is an icky subject especially with serious traumas, victims who has their own mind-prison (*is in therapy or need it to help with past experiences) we’re all biased, we said that. For those who are in therapy (experiences that has happened in the past) – work on you, we’re here for you. Take your time, it’s good to even be aware of certain trigger points. Please take care of yourself first 💞

For those who are?? less serious?? honestly it’s jus a fun thing like you can joke but you can also be serious just– if you come to me I’m always gonna be like ‘hey its ok’ and?? jus?? talk about their traits and stuff?? 💞💞

That’s some?? Tips for beginners I think?? 💞💞 I hope it’s useful?? 💞💞💞