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hangovercurse · 4 years ago

Text

Missing You

Part ii of the Without You series: Y/N tries to cope with what happened between her and Colson

Colson x Reader

Warnings: Cursing, Colson being a dick (again.. sorry), and sad boi hours ft. my boi Pete

A/N: I’m so sorry. This was only supposed to be one part but it was too long for just one so... here you go. I apologize in advance.

Word Count: 1389

| i | iii | iv | v | vi |

masterlist

You leaned against the wall next to the door, not quite trusting yourself to drive yet. You sniffled as the reality of the situation set in, your mind replaying the events upstairs. You brought your hand to your mouth, trying to muffle the sobs that overtook your body.

The door next to you opened and you prepared yourself for who might come through, knowing full well that Colson would not come chasing you. Luckily, it was Pete, probably the only person on Earth that you could talk to at the moment.

He took one look at your face before pulling you into his arms, holding you as you sobbed. Your body gave out from underneath you, and he held you as the pair of you slid to the patio floor. You curled your knees to your chest, leaning into Pete.

“You don’t have to, but if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen.” Pete whispered. You simply nodded into his shoulder, trying to build up the courage to speak.

When you finally could talk your voice came out in choppy sentences interrupted with occasional sobs. “He- he said that I- that I was the reason Megan left.” You paused, sniffling. “And then he said that I- I mean…” You couldn’t bring yourself to say it, so you just let out a sob.

Pete’s hand was running through your hair, trying to bring you comfort. You slowed your breathing down and got to a point where you weren’t crying as hard. “He said I mean nothing to him.” You finally whispered. Pete almost didn’t hear it, and part of him wished he hadn’t. You sounded so broken and he didn’t know that anyone other than Colson could fix you.

“I don’t think he meant that. He’s just angry and you happened to be in a bad place at a bad time.”

“I think he did. You didn’t see him. It was almost like he was enjoying it. Like the fact that I was in pain made him happy.” You moved your arms to wrap around Pete, seeking comfort from the memories. “And he- he hurt me.” Pete tensed up and you were quick to continue, “he didn’t mean to but, he wouldn’t let go of me. No matter how much I pushed him and told him to get off of me he wouldn’t move and I was so- I was so scared.”

More tears fell from your eyes as Pete’s grip around you tightened. “Let me take you home Y/N. I don’t think this is a good place for you to be and I don’t think you’re in any state to drive.”

You nodded as he began to stand up, pulling you with him. You wiped your tears on your sleeve, taking a deep breath in. “I’m sorry.” You whispered, looking downwards. “I shouldn’t- Colson’s your friend you should be taking care of him. It wasn’t fair of me to put all that on you. I’m sorry.”

You looked up at Pete, who had a confused expression on his face. “Y/N, you’re my friend too, okay? Colson’s being a dick right now, he doesn’t deserve people taking care of him right now. You do.” You nodded, looking back down, “And just so you know, you’re not a burden. I can see those little wheels turning in your head telling you that you are. You’re not.”

“Thanks Pete.” You mumble into his shoulder as he embraces you in a hug.

It had been a week since your big fight with Colson and he still hadn’t reached out. No apology, no calls, not even a drunk text.

You’d decided that Colson really had meant what he said.

For the past week, you’d been a mess. You barely left your bed, much less your house. Pete stayed over the first night, afraid you would do something stupid, but you made him leave the next day. Rook and Slim both tried to come by, but you didn’t answer the door.

You hadn’t answered your phone for a week, which made you feel worse because now all your friends were worrying about you. But you couldn’t bring yourself to talk to anyone.

Surprisingly, however, you’d been sober all week. Every substance you could think of felt sacred to him. You couldn’t smoke weed because you used to smoke weed with Colson. You couldn’t drink because you used to drink with Colson. It was like everything in your life was attached to him.

In a way, it was worse than a break-up. It was worse than him rejecting you. Colson had been a part of you for so long, he was attached to every piece of you. You weren’t you without him. But now you had to figure out how to be just that.

After the seventh day, you decided you should answer your phone. At least let Pete know that you’re okay. Scrolling through the messages he’d left you over the past few days made you feel guilty. He had been really worried about you. So, you sent him a text.

I’m alive, don’t worry. Just trying to figure my shit out. Sorry for worrying you.

You sent a similar message to Rook, who had been trying to reach you all week. While you were scrolling through your messages you couldn’t help but open the last message you’d sent to Colson.

He’d had a date with Megan that night and sent you a picture of what he was wearing, asking if he looked weird. You, of course, told him no.

You look fine, loser. Have fun with Megan!

Somehow the message just made you angry. You had tried so hard to be supportive, even when it broke your heart. You were nice to her, friendly even. You would have never tried to sabotage their relationship, you’d never get between them, no matter how you felt for Colson.

You backed out of the message chain. You saw Casie’s picture below his and figured you owed it to her to text.

Hey Case. You doing ok?

The typing symbol appeared, and then her message came through.

Not really. Dad’s been really mad the past couple of days. He’s barely left his room. Where have you been?!?

You sighed, a sad smile on your face at her innocence.

Cols and I got into a fight. I don’t think I’ll be coming around for a little while, sweetheart.

Don’t worry about your dad, he’ll get better soon. Have you talked to him?

Your heart sank at the thought of not seeing Casie. She was like your own daughter, you adored her. And now you might lose her and Colson.

Not really. Idk what to say.

You thought for a moment about how to respond.

Hmm. Maybe ask him if he’s feeling better? Or smth like that.

Casie gave the thumbs up reaction and didn’t respond afterwards, so you assumed the conversation was over.

Another week passed. You had finally been able to get some work done from home, but you still felt like shit.

Baze and Slim came by to drop off groceries much to your protest, saying they figured you hadn’t left the house and needed food. Though you hated them treating you like you were fragile, you appreciated the sentiment.

Casie never texted you back, so you assumed Colson told her not to text you or she had decided not to on her own accord. Either way the thought made you sick to your stomach.

Work was a welcome distraction from your mind. You could easily throw yourself into small projects and forget about the world for a few hours at a time. And that’s exactly what you were doing. Sitting on the couch, laptop in your lap, typing away.

Today had been a surprisingly good day. You woke up and felt a sliver of motivation, which you were currently running with. You felt like the grey cloud over your head was finally starting to go away.

You heard a sound at your front door, which made you curious and also a bit nervous. Then you heard a key turning in the keyhole, a click following the turn. You were in the middle of wondering “who the hell has a key to my house?” when the door opened, revealing a distraught 6 foot 4 blond man.

“Colson?”

#mgk #mgk imagine #mgk angst #machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly imagine #Colson baker #colson x reader #colson baker imagine #colson baker angst #pete davidson #casie baker

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baubaes · 3 years ago

Note

hi! is there a chance for Jemily with no22? some angst maybe? cheers🤗

Well hello to you to! And of course there is!

@thatonecurlygirl prompt list 22

“I can’t give you what you want.”

Ship: Emily Prentiss x Jennifer Jareau

Word count: 5,4k

Genre: angst/hurt/fluff/very very light nsfw? i have no clue how to label this

Warnings: mentions of violence, death, injuries, classic criminal minds vibes :^)))

Summary: "Right now, Emily Prentiss was dead. She, however, was on a plane to Paris." aka JJ taking care of staked Emily, the blackbird flashback and events around it.

A/N: i thought of way too many scenarios when even though Emily and JJ are literally in love, it could never work out. here's one of them :^) i hope you'll enjoy it!! xx ana apparently i just can't imagine a scenario in which these characters could have a peaceful, quiet and happy life, im so sorry

Emily felt drained.

She was all hurting, really bad, her head was killing her, not only from the beating she received those several days ago, but also the mere stress of all this.

It was pretty baffling for her to realize that she survived this whole ordeal.

She couldn’t say for how long she was out; it felt both like a blink of an eye and an eternity.

And she really thought that she died, when she eventually lost consciousness in Morgan’s arms. That still felt like ages ago.

It was all really confusing, but then again, she couldn’t spare too much of her strength to dwell on what actually happened. Emily just felt too weak to try to keep her eyes open for too long and that resulted in her reality being pretty much scattered.

When she woke up in a hospital room, she was dazed and overwhelmed. They’ve put her on some strong painkillers after the surgery and most of the time right then felt like a blur. She thought she heard some voices in her dream, maybe doctors, maybe… Was it JJ?

She heard bits and pieces of conversations, somebody commenting on her condition in a low voice, nervous footsteps circling around the room, the dimmed rhythmical sounds of all the equipment she was hooked to, some sort of buzzing and a one sided conversation that had to be a phone call.

Was it just some bizarre dream?

A way for her subconscious mind to cope with the anxiety surrounding the recent events?

Whether it was real or not, it let her stay in this state of slumber brought to her through an IV drip.

Despite all that, she felt really grateful. She wasn’t sure where to channel this gratitude though;

Her team for backing her up?

The doctors for patching her up in the OR?

God, for allowing her to continue her existence?

Then again, she wasn’t sure if the last one existed, nor that the almighty entity would waste its time on making sure little old her survives.

It was comforting though, that her last moments on this Earth managed not to be spent with Doyle, even if that was against her will, so in theory, she didn’t have much of control over this.

Memories of him were a combination of ones that she’s made as Emily Prentiss and ones that she’s made as Lauren Reynolds. As Emily, it consisted of all those moments when he threatened her and her team, he kidnapped her, tortured her, nearly killed her…

As Lauren she was able to saw his more… Humane side.

Lauren was his girlfriend. Lauren lived with him,

Lauren shared her joys and fears with him. Lauren loved him.

But that was Lauren.

She wasn’t real. An identity, that’s all that she was.

And even though Emily tried to convince herself that Lauren’s feelings were perfectly compartmentalized away from her own, deep down she knew she was lying to herself.

Was Doyle ever somebody she actually loved?

She definitely despised him, but it felt like now she was obligated to despise even her own self for ever having feelings for this monster. Positive ones anyway.

Right now, Emily Prentiss was dead.

She, however, was on a plane to Paris.

It was all coordinated by Hotchner and JJ.

Nobody else knew.

Her team, her friends, her loved ones were about to attend her funeral in a few days.

She imagined confused look on Spencer’s face, Garcia’s eyes filled with tears, Morgan frowning and looking away. Would Rossi be sad, or would he finally feel relieved to be ridded of her impulsiveness and comments on literally everything?

She imagined her mother, who obviously was not on it, throwing a pile of soil on the coffin. That would not hold her body inside. Would she cry? Would she stay composed even at a funeral of her only child? Well, again, it wasn’t real real, but she wouldn’t be able to realize that.

For some reason, she figured JJ would’ve taken it upon herself to feel guilty, despite knowing what was going on.

They both knew it was the only way to make it all work.

Emily worried about everyone, but there were two people she worried about the most. Spencer and Penelope.

They both were incredibly strong, but she couldn’t be sure how would they deal with this.

She worried, since Reid did not cope well with losing authorities. And even if he would never admit it to her face, she knew that he looked up to her.

The thought of that made her feel the bile appear on the back of her throat.

That kid has lost so many people already… And he internalized all that, it had to be weighing on him every single day. It felt cruel to add another person to that list.

She had to keep thinking about the bigger picture to even remotely be able to deal with all that.

Now Garcia was somebody that Emily truly loved.

It was hard to imagine her being sad over her „death”.

Not because of the probability of the blonde being sad,

rather the severity of her grieving, Emily would imagine.

Penelope was one of those people who were able to feel so much, maybe even too much sometimes.

And on a daily basis it was wonderful. That’s what’s made her such an incredible, empathetic human being, who, despite their job, was still able to not only - be cheerful, but to cheer others up as well.

When she thought of that, it felt as if her heart could break to million pieces.

It was strange, how in that moment she should still feel the pain;

They’ve stabilized her after the surgery, but there were still bruises on her face, stitches across her abdomen, burnt skin on her chest. And she did feel it, but it was blurred, far away.

The feeling that made her grasp reality to the point of hyperawareness was the emotional pain.

Somehow she was able to compare it to the pain of being staked.

She still wasn’t sure what was a proper emotional response in that situation.

It wasn’t in the manual, or in training, despite people having to go… Well, faking your own death was like going undercover, in a way.

Both at the Interpol and the FBI, nobody taught her how to feel, while pretending to be dead.

She knew how to make it happen technically, more or less. After all, Lauren had already died. Her old team, JTF-12, was able to pull that off those several years ago. Including her of course.

But that was Lauren. An identity, which, sure, she’s been tied to for quite some time, living as her, acting like her, becoming her in a way.

Still, just an identity.

Right now, there wasn’t a disguise, an identity to toss away, allowing her to come back to her regular life.

Right now her regular life was supposed to cease to exist.

Before, she thought about her goal and the fact, that she survived. She was grateful, in some way she felt obligated to take care of Declan and she wouldn't be able to do that, if she was actually dead, right?

Even though she knew that she had no right to feel attached to the boy as much as she did, she just couldn’t help it. The image of him as a toddler, walking around the room in Doyle’s house stuck in her head. She couldn’t shake it off. And even before Doyle found her, that image caused her to have problems with falling asleep from time to time.

Emily never seriously thought of herself becoming a mother, for that role to be the main purpose of her life. She was afraid of screwing her potential children up, because she knew that even if she meant well, it wouldn’t guarantee them turning out okay. And her line of work made it impossible to both realistically approach the idea of maternity - she didn’t have a partner and if she were to be a single mother - it would be impossible to keep up with the BAU - that job was just too demanding; but also she saw so many downright evil, just unimaginable things that people were capable of doing to one another. How could she ever be able to shield a child from that?

Suddenly, all these ridiculous, small things that she wouldn’t think twice about made her feel as if each and every part of her life was just slipping through her fingers, right there, right then.

That one window in her apartment, the one with the wide windowsill, she loved to sit on it and watch the sky. Sergio would curl up in her lap or right next to her, on the windowsill, quietly purring, when she would pet his black fur. It didn’t happen often, because most nights she'd come home so exhausted, all she could basically do was just pass out on her bed. And Sergio would sleep on a pillow right next to her, despite Emily's promises to herself that she will teach him to stop, because she'd wake up covered in his fur with a runny nose.

But when she had a chance to do that, it made her mind stop racing, at least for a few minutes. That barely ever happened anywhere else.

Now she realized that Sergio was alone in her apartment and she panicked. But just for a second, because then she remembered JJ in the hospital, telling her that Penelope took him in. Of course she did. He'd definitely be surrounded with love. She wished she could've just taken him with her though, since she's already been missing him. Silly little fur ball, making her fall in love with him gradually. Penelope wouldn't be able to resist his charm for sure, she thought to herself, smiling. Still, she felt really sad.

Emily realized that she’s left so many things behind.

She didn’t think of herself as someone intensively attached to material possessions, but all these had a sentimental value for her and that was the only thing that mattered.

The thoughts invading her head were random, coming to her without any particular sense or order, falling on her mind like an avalanche.

And she thought about that crumpled up picture, capturing her with her friends when she was a teenager, back in Rome.

A cross, that her mother gave her on her first communion. She wasn’t ever really wearing it, but she liked knowing that it was safely tucked away in one of the drawers in her closet. It brought her some strange kind of comfort.

A box with letters she’d exchange with her father when she was a kid, because even though they moved around together as a family, he still would have assignments all around the world. So he would leave for a single weekend, or for several months at a time. No matter how long or short was he leaving for, he’d always try and send her a postcard, hence the collection of them, both from huge cities in Europe and Asia and tiny places she’s never even heard of before in America or Australia.

Maybe she wasn’t going through this box ritually on some settled schedule, but every once in a while she would look at those tacky pictures of touristy little towns, as well as simple, beautiful pictures of great historical monuments or watercolored landscapes of picturesque countrysides. And they'd make the corners of her lips rise up just a tiny bit.

All that with a couple words reading simple greetings, scribbled in a hurry, in her dad’s small, not exactly neat handwriting, on the back of each and every one of them.

„Love you, Dad” summed up every single message.

And looking at those words made her feel warmth, both now and when she was a little girl. Her father wasn’t very talkative and he rarely told her he loved her unprompted. So she got used to reading these words, instead of hearing them from him.

She cherished these postcards and anytime she’d go through them, she noticed some kind of feeling spread throughout her body, that felt like pure joy, but also love and safety.

Kurt Vonnegut’s "Sirens of Titan".

Morgan lent it to her a few months ago.

The book was by her bed, bookmarked with some crumpled receipt for groceries she’d found at the bottom of her purse, when she'd had to suddenly break away from Rumfoord and Kazak on the jet.

She’s read it before, truth be told, (in Italian and back in the ’80s), but Morgan insisted that she just had to read the original version. And even though there was a stack of books she wanted to read going back at least two years sitting on her bedroom floor, dangerously leaning against the radiator, the day she brought it home, she placed the Sirens on the very top of her bedside table, instead of the stack.

She’d imagine Morgan would appreciate that gesture.

Morgan, her partner.

Morgan, who held her before she passed out.

Morgan, who always had her back.

And she tried to do the same for him in the field.

He’s saved her ass countless times.

Emily wished she could have had his back right now.

She realized with a paralyzing fear that it could last forever.

Doyle could lay low, undetected for years.

Would it keep Morgan up at night?

Would he blame himself, wondering?

If he'd gotten to her seconds earlier, if he had only ran faster, if he’d found her sooner, would it change anything?

Thinking about that made her fists clench suddenly.

If she had any fingernails left, they would surely dig into the skin of her palms very painfully right now.

Emily felt this overwhelming guilt filling her chest, making her throat feel as if it was closing, her teeth grit.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe, as if the jet’s cabin had become decompressed and she couldn't reach the oxygen mask.

"You’re doing okay?"

She heard the soft and calming voice of her only companion on this flight, naturally besides the pilot.

JJ was looking at her with those big, worried, blue eyes and even though Emily’s first instinct was to nod, as she did just that, she felt her eyes watering.

"I can't stand the thought of all of them grieving over a lie."

She mumbled out.

"Emily, you know that this is the only way. We’d never make them go through this, if there were any other options. They will understand."

JJ’s voice became more firm with the last sentence, she was obviously in a mind space reserved for dealing with crisis.

"I really thought that was it, you know?"

Emily asked, a little startled at the sound of her own voice.

She couldn’t recall the last time she’s held an actual conversation with another person, one that wouldn’t consist of barely understandable mumbling as a form of communication on her end.

"There came that point, where the pain went away, I guess I went into shock. I heard Morgan’s voice and I wanted to keep my eyes open like he told me to so bad, but I just couldn’t. I felt like I was slipping away and it felt so… Easy. I wasn’t scared at all. I… I knew you guys would take care of Declan, if I wasn’t around. And that all of you would be okay."

She said, trying to piece together everything that happened.

"And apparently I've coded in the ambulance? I had no idea, but some glimpses are coming back to me, slowly. But it was like I’d fallen asleep."

She added, her face reflecting her mind in a state of deep contemplation.

Her thoughts were interrupted by JJ’s voice.

"Thank God, you didn’t…"

Emily only now noticed that with every word that she spoke, JJ’s eyes became more and more glossy. She frowned.

"Hey, I’m here."

She leaned in and smiled faintly.

"Its gonna take way more than some branding and a little stake for you to get rid of me."

JJ laughed, wiping the tears away, before they had a chance to flow down her cheeks.

"Why would I ever want to get rid of you?"

Blonde asked, her voice now soft, her expression puzzled.

Emily felt something strange in her chest.

At first her brain assumed it had to be her burnt skin and damaged nerve endings, but no.

It felt nice, it wasn’t painful.

That warmth, spilling around her insides.

She didn’t have a witty comeback to her question. She wanted to think it was because of the meds making her hazy, but she wasn’t sure anymore. She just looked down at her chest and frowned again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The first thing I’m doing, when we get to Paris is having this removed."

She heard her own voice.

"How could a brand hurt more than getting staked?"

"Maybe it’s a psychosomatic itch you’re scratching? The brand left an emotional toll, Doyle established dominance over you by marking you as his, a stake… I mean you overcame death. The ultimate victory over your foe. Why suffer a pain you’re proud of?"

JJ wondered, actually trying to analyze all that. She looked at her, now amused.

"Or you could always get another tattoo."

Emily laughed at that. JJ continued.

"You know, something transformative? Like a… A phoenix. Or a blackbird."

"I love the song."

Emily said.

"But something tells me, I shouldn’t tread in your waters."

JJ looked at her with a questioning look.

"Come on, JJ. Something’s obviously different about you. You commandeered an Interpol jet. You’re profiling me."

JJ looked down and sighed. Emily continued.

"Why didn’t you say your transfer was a backstop?"

At that JJ’s expression turned to a confused one, indicating that what the other woman said was the truth.

"Oh, I know that look. The 'I can’t trust anyone, but myself' look. I invented it."

Emily added, trying to make it sound funny, but ultimately, it still came out serious, because it was true. JJ smiled at her slightly, but she looked sad.

"Do you ever feel like you’re in way over your head?" Emily nodded, wanting her to continue.

"I got assigned to an information hunt. Instead, I am chasing an unsub, who killed my informant."

"What would Hotch tell you to do?" Emily asked without hesitation. That’s how she found her way around during any investigation, ever since she joined the BAU.

"Focus on victimology, let behavior lead the way…"

JJ listed out loud.

"Exactly. Who did your unsub kill?"

"The one person I was getting through to."

"Why?"

Emily continued with her questions, seeing that they initiated JJ’s thought process.

"Because I was getting through to…" JJ said, frowning.

"I was getting through to her. What if she was about to expose her killer? Someone on the inside…"

Emily could tell that JJ needed somebody else to look at her situation and see it in from a different angle. JJ got really pensive, her eyes glued to some nonexistent point in space.

"It sounds like it's time for you to be the blackbird and flip the script." Emily said slowly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I guess it does." JJ said with a tiny smile, before getting up.

"Hey, why won’t you try and sleep at least a while? We won’t be landing for several hours, so…"

"Right. You should try and sleep too. I’ve been in a coma, so I caught some Zs, when you think about it. Medically induced ones, but still. You on the other hand must be exhausted."

Emily’s face was covered in grey, purple and yellow spots, but JJ’s face, even though not bruised, still indicated that she had a rough couple of days. She had bags under her eyes, her cheeks pale, instead of slightly flushed like they normally were, her face tired.

They both looked quite miserable.

JJ just smiled in response, but her eyes weren’t a part of that smile. Her eyes stayed sad.

She walked to another seat, so she could try and lie down.

Emily wanted to let JJ rest, because she suspected that by suggesting sleeping, she actually had an excuse to take a nap herself, even if it was supposed to last only few minutes. She deserved a good night sleep, Emily thought to herself, watching the blonde struggling to find a comfortable position. When she eventually succeeded, Prentiss leaned back in her own seat, looking out the window. Her chest was still burning, but she wouldn’t even flinch. Her eyes, almost independently from her will, landed on the other woman every couple of minutes. She watched JJ’s chest move rhythmically, until her breathing became really deep and really steady and she was without a doubt asleep.

She knows what’s happening,

Emily thought to herself.

And so does Hotchner.

Yet, they’re going to have to look at the rest being in pain and they’re going to have to pretend that they’re going through the same thing.

And when she thought about Hotch, it wasn’t that hard to imagine.

He would keep himself perfectly composed in pretty much any situation she ever saw him in.

He was able to calculate his next move without showing as much as a microexpression.

It could be a little unsettling sometimes, but then again when he was surrounded by his family, when he was with Jack, he would expose this softer and loving side of himself. Just a bit. It was quite the view.

Emily had no doubt that he was a good father. And a good man.

He really was great at planning, thinking ahead like no one else;

he had his way of smoothly dealing with issues that inevitably came up during their investigations.

All those things made him an incredible section chief.

Emily was certain that she could trust him with her life. And she did.

It would be hard for anyone to keep such a burdening secret from people you are constantly around.

Eventually, you could start believing the lie, but that also took dedication. It was even harder when you had to lie to people that were actually a part of your life, people that you were close to.

It’s one thing to be undercover and to keep a secret from people you’re trying to infiltrate. During such operations it felt justified to do that, choosing the lesser evil, the end justify the means and all that.

It’s a completely different thing to do that to your friends and family.

"The secret to getting away with lying is believing with all your heart. That goes for lying to yourself even more so than lying to another."

A quote by the author Elizabeth Bear, that she's memorized from reading her New Amsterdam series more than once. She was repeating it in her mind, not being able to stop.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in. She knew that they made the right call. Still, it was just devastating, thinking what they voluntarily sentenced themselves to.

She tried to calm herself down with proper breathing. It helped.

Emily finally decided to try to sleep. She thought that since she was still medicated, she’d pass out easily, but that didn’t happen.

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw faces of her team members. She felt like her chest was being crushed. Breathing didn't really help.

After what felt like forever of forcing herself to fall asleep without any luck, she opened her eyes and just kept them open. She focused her gaze on what was behind the window.

The clouds, barely visible in the navy skies.

She didn’t do it on purpose, but she realized that she started to dissociate.

And she let herself do it.

The numbness felt better than the stinging guilt.

She didn’t really register it, but tears left her eyes, falling on her lashes and cheeks, as her deep, dark eyes focused on the navy color in front of her, forty thousand feet above the ground.

She couldn’t tell how long it took, but only JJ’s turning in her sleep, simultaneously throwing a bag off the seat made Emily come back to reality. Blonde didn’t wake up. She looked really peaceful.

She thought about not seeing her for God knows how long. It stung, to a point of her gasping. Afraid, that maybe that could’ve woken her up, Emily wiped her tears away, but JJ’s eyes stayed closed. And these intrusive thoughts came back to roam inside her head.

Sure, JJ wouldn’t be with the BAU now, since she’s had that informant operation, but no doubt, she would still see them. They were a huge part of her life after all.

Emily watched her face, calm and soft, imaging it twisted in pain and grief, having to pretend one of their own was dead.

In her mind, JJ was one of the strongest people she knew. She was persistent, hardworking and incredibly professional, but she was also kind, nurturing and very loyal.

What she was doing for her at this very moment proved it perfectly.

She knew that JJ accepted her part in this plan on her own and if she were to start trying to talk her out of it (never mind that it was also too late for that at this point), she wouldn’t change her mind. To be fair, if they switched places, she would do the same for JJ, but still, she couldn’t stop worrying about the woman sleeping on a seat across from her.

Emily watched her friend and it brought her some sort of comfort, a feeling of safety.

She finally dozed off, trying not to think, but focused on JJ’s steady breathing instead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Emily, we’ll be landing in about an hour."

She heard, opening her eyes, and she saw JJ standing in front of her, one of her hands on her shoulder.

"I thought you’d like to change before the transfer."

Emily’s hand landed on top of hers, holding both of them on her shoulder.

"Oh, right. Thank you, I…" she looked down at their hands, trying to focus. "We’ll have to say goodbye soon, right?" she blurted out, looking back at her face.

JJ sighed and sat down right next to her, not taking her hand away, but instead, intertwining their fingers and resting both their hands in Emily’s lap.

"Well, it seems so."

She smiled, but her eyes were reddened, filling with tears once again.

Emily’s gaze was glued to their hands, watching JJ’s wrist and fingers, so delicate right now, but perfectly capable of throwing a good punch. Her eyes stopped at the ring on her finger; Henry’s birthstone. She felt that strange feeling again, that warmth spreading throughout her body.

"It’s not going to last forever. We will find Doyle."

JJ mumbled out and Emily held her breath.

"I know, but… I will miss you so much."

Emily said, before instinctually putting her arms around blonde’s waist, to which she responded with wrapping her arms around her neck. JJ tried to be gentle, because of Emily’s condition, but brunette only held her tighter.

They were so close right now, that she could hear the other woman’s heartbeat. It was slightly elevated.

JJ pulled back just a little, so she could look at her face.

"I will miss you as well." she whispered, their eyes laid on each other.

JJ said the next sentence so quietly, that Emily could barely hear it.

"You’re very special to me, you know that?"

Emily wouldn’t be able to logically explain why she did what she did next, but somehow her hands ended up on both sides of JJ’s face and she leaned in, placing her lips on blonde’s ones.

She wasn’t thinking, but as she kissed her, the other woman immediately kissed her back. Emily felt soft palms cupping her face, her eyes closed. That kiss was filled with so much pain and longing and some kind of desperation.

But it made her whole body fill up with that warmth.

Emily wasn’t even sure what that was, so she tried to be gentle. She ended up kissing JJ in a somewhat shy manner, yet the other agent was deepening the kiss with each second, making it more and more passionate. Emily felt her back hitting the wall and a moan left her throat, captured by the kiss. JJ reacted by slowing down, moving her fingers across her face, running them through her hair. Emily was still cupping JJ’s face, her skin felt so soft and warm under her fingers when she brushed them across her cheeks. Their tongues slowly swirling around one another, this time Emily caused JJ to gasp, as she bit her lower lip. She responded with kissing brunette even more eagerly, so Emily brushed her fingers along her neck, resting them on her shoulders. One of her hands was caressing the skin covering JJ’s collarbone. At that she sighed, barely audibly, but Emily caught it. Her fingers moved towards the skin covering her breastbone.

JJ suddenly pulled back and broke the kiss, leaving both of them breathing heavily, blood flowing through their cheeks and lips.

Emily placed her hands back on JJ’s shoulders, she didn’t mean to make her feel uncomfortable.

Finally, after what felt like forever, she broke the silence.

"JJ, I…" she didn’t even know what to say. It wasn’t right. She had a loving husband, a family. She didn’t mean to ruin it for her.

"We don’t have to talk about this." she said quickly and Emily felt strange. She took her hands off of her shoulders and leaned back, so there was space between them.

"I… Dont… Look, if we won’t see each other for…"

She started, but her voice broke, when she realized what expression showed up on JJ’s face.

Regret.

Emily felt so many contradicting things in that moment, that she basically froze. JJ was looking away.

"You went through something traumatic, we all did. It’s only natural to crave human contact then. And it can present itself in many different ways. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s fine."

"JJ, it means… It means everything for me."

Emily choked out, placing her hand on top of blonde’s. JJ turned her hand, so she could squeeze Emily’s one between her fingers.

She smiled looking at their hands, but only for a fraction of a second. And then she took her hand away, only to look Emily straight in her eyes. She seemed sad, but also… Agitated.

"I can’t give you what you want, Emily." she said quickly, getting up.

"There’s too many reasons why. And… You have to leave."

JJ stated, sort of matter-of-factly.

Emily couldn’t really comprehend what just happened. But all of the pain, both physical and mental suddenly came back, not dimmed anymore.

This was… This wasn’t the time for this. Come on, Emily, it’s time to compartmentalize again. You used to be so good at this!

Well, before joining the team anyway.

"We’re landing in 15. You have to change, definitely cover up these bruises at least a bit." JJ continued talking, her voice morphing back to that task-oriented tone. She was taking clothes and makeup out of the bags, handing the items to her. "Hurry."

Emily felt like she couldn’t move, but she forced herself to get up and do what she needed to. They weren’t looking at each other and even though she wanted to scream, she kept perfectly quiet.

Compartmentalize. It’s not the time. It didn’t mean anything.

They landed and after JJ made sure that the right person was waiting outside to drive Emily to a safehouse, she stood in front of her and hugged her. Emily wasn’t really expecting that right now, since the atmosphere was so tense.

"I will miss you, no matter what." JJ whispered and even though Emily was so stunned from the pain and all around confused, she knew they couldn’t part without a proper goodbye.

"Thank you, for everything. Take care of them." Emily said and she embraced her tightly, one last time. Emily wanted to say that she’ll miss her like crazy, but it felt both like too much and not enough.

She didn’t want to let them turn this into a final goodbye.

"Of course. I will see you soon, okay?" JJ smiled and Emily smiled back. It wasn’t the best forced smile, but she just couldn’t do better in that moment.

"Goodbye, Jennifer." she said sounding way too official, taking a first step out.

"Goodbye, Emily."

Prentiss turned away and quickly made her way to the parked car.

She saw JJ’s face one last time through the tiny window.

The car left the landing strip and disappeared in the night.

„Goodbye, Emily.” she thought to herself, as she caught her own reflection in the side mirror.

„Goodbye, Emily.”

JJ whispered, placing a red rose on the coffin.

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pen-observing · 4 years ago

Text

My Only One iv - final

Diavolo and you have been together for a century. While time flies, the last decade has not been kind to either of you. He is about to become the King and while you have subjected yourself to transformations, just to live with your beloved, the pressure is unending. You live your life publicly. It is no luxury. Not having an heir when 100 years have passed tears you apart- just as much as it divides those that you inevitably rule. A solution comes like the last ray of hope. Go to an enchanted fortress used for fixes of the worst kind. Subject yourself to even more hexes to have the possibility of producing an heir. It’s just for a year. A short time for those immortal. A long time for those in a complex relationship, especially when for the sake of efficiency, letters are the only means of communication you are allowed to have with outsiders.

Warnings: none

i / ii / iii / _

To say that your feet felt lighter and the frozen ground finally melted after the letter from the brothers would be an understatement.

Hope. Hope in its trues form finally existed for you again. Too many years did hope have the same colour as Diavolo’s eyes. You almost forgot other potent sources of such a feeling. My dear, you forgot that hope was held within.

As your sanity finally made peace with your inner being; everything else started to fall into place. Diavolo’s paragraphs upon paragraphs; drawing a lie within a dream still stung; but, you did not go crazy. Power was flowing back to you.

The letters from the brothers varied on topics decided by the hand that wrote them. Admittedly, based on the handwriting, some were easier to read than others. But their meaning; their essence; their love was never to be questioned.

Karasu was proud with the step-by-step recovery you were making. Those watchful eyes were full of kindness and wonder while you grew into a cheerful state. Well, as cheerful as the circumstances would allow.

The room wasn’t messy anymore. Your treatment was moving along smoothly. The interest about people in charge of you grew. They respected, while still being able to doubt, the genuine curiosity held from a future Ruler. They did not tell you everything but a difference between privacy and secrecy was established. Based on such occasions you managed to find out that one of the witches dedicated her whole life to this. She could never, ever, have kids because of a pact. However, seeing others live out that oh so feeble dream of hers; would mean happiness.

It was astounding that a pure motive existed within these walls. You marvelled at it. And life began to marvel at you.

Month nine marked the witch leaping at you with such joy in the privacy of one of the examination rooms. She held your arms tightly. She delivered the news with a strong voice. “You, you! Your treatment exceeded every expectation they set! You can have children now! You can bear a child. You can give birth to Devildom’s future!”

The news shocked you. Now? Right now? This was as sudden as time itself. What does this mean when you are unsure about the man who swore to be the best father? He also swore to be a true lover; look how that turned out.

But there was no way you could allow yourself to break in front of this person. There was no way your humanity would disrespect the witch’s joy for you; the life long dedication.

You gently held her hands with a genuine smile prompted by her honest hope. You thanked her from the bottom of your heart; even if it was still broken.

That interaction meant that the time of your solitude in this fortress was at its end. It meant you had to return to the frightening outside world. But how?

The end that once was sure to spark joy was no more. Confusion was torturing you now; unrelenting.

What now?

A long conversation with Karasu followed where you weighted every option of return. Should you notify Diavolo? What will you do once you see him again? Could you ever find a small corner of your heart that would ensure forgiveness upon the man you loved more than any other?

Karasu knew you. Karasu patiently listened and answered all questions.

It was decided that as a person who makes memories out of feelings; as an impulsive human who observes and makes decisions based on natural states- Diavolo would not be notified of your return.

You had to see him in his true state: unprepared, surprised; to realise if the relationship could be mended.

The brothers however, will know. You are not ashamed to admit that you asked them a favour - making necessary preparations. Evoking the pact to make sure secrecy was upheld like a virtue. They didn’t mind. They knew you trusted them and this was just to ensure Lucifer’s silence to the man that betrayed you.

And in uncertainty, while lacking bravery; you set out. Back to the castle. Back home.

But the ride back was less pleasant than the experiments. Countless scenarios plagued your mind. Your sanity was seemingly throwing different conversations your way.

Menacing. Dramatic. Sad.

Then suddenly in a leap of love- it hit you with grandiose romantic gestures of apology. Honey words that felt true.

What will Diavolo do when you meet again? Everything depended on that.

Could it be that he even betrayed those daydreams of yours? Stepping outside, in front of the gate, clearly showed that fate would not answer your questions soon enough.

Time, bewildering time, my dear.

Diavolo did not welcome you- Barbatos did. How expected of him to be so calm by your sudden return. His demeanour always amazed you. Even while expressing his surprise upon such a turn of events he remained eloquent. Almost idyllic.

The man controlled time, he toyed with it in an intricate dance; why were you so surprised? Was it because in those daydreams, in those silly expectations of yours; Diavolo was the only man you wondered about? Where was he right now?

Barbatos led you inside the tea room. Was he toying with you now as well?

This room. This intricately decorated room was always your favourite inside a castle which felt enormous; never ending. Ceaseless. The word home could have been this room by itself. Why? It was always warm. Cozy. It was where you would spend time while Diavolo was relentlessly busy. It was where you would relentlessly force him to take breaks.

Most of all, It was where the two of you existed outside of pressure. It was where the two of you kissed for the first time. Countless nights of love and pleasure happened right here.

Barbatos was definitely toying with you. If he did not become a close friend over all of these years you would have cursed him out.

He brought a sweet aroma in your favourite tea cup. Yup. He set it down with a gentle smile. You definitely would have cursed him out for using gold-lined tea cups Diavolo gifted you.

Your eyes stayed on his figure while, unable to resist, the cup found way into your hand. There was no need to ask Barbatos anything. He remained a perfect butler.

“My Lord will be here momentarily. If we were notified of your return, we would have cleared his schedule.”

A slip up. Barbatos made a mistake. Unfathomable.

His words were serene once again. Just like when you departed. The surface of the water is serene, what goes on below? What did his seemingly simple words hide?

Did he say it on purpose? Did he do so out of care for you?

“Barbatos.”

You have to be brave now more than ever my dear. Barbatos gave it away in case you were not aware. How kind of him.

“Yes? Is there something not to your liking?” “I noticed how you referred to Diavolo as my Lord, not our. This had changed since I left.”

Silence. Continue to be brave.

“I know Barbatos. I know that his hands have touched someone else. I know that he slept with them in our bed.”

Your voice was flat. Barbatos stayed silent out of respect for you. In reality, his masqueraded words meant much more. How could Barbatos, utterly loyal, admit that he himself considered Diavolo weak? His Lord was weak for the temptations. He could never say, but you knew.

In that moment, rushed footsteps echoing outside in the hallway reached you. The door sprung open swiftly. In such speed and urgency unseen before. Diavolo stood there. In disbelief. Marvelling at your sudden return in ardent admiration.

He stood there, breathless from running to see you. For months now this tea room was devoid of your presence. For months now he longed for your return. Oh how Diavolo yearned to open this door and see your form blessing it.

And here you were. Magnificent. Radiant.

Barbatos had to interrupt this moment because peace could not exist after what was spoken. He turned towards the door, walking out. His lips parted open for a whisper to Diavolo. “They know everything.” He gracefully exited. Diavolo stood still, unable to meet your gaze.

He deserves this shame.

You sat there looking at him. He was breathless, bewitching. ...But was it because of excitement for you? His hair was messy, his tie was loose.

Was this the work of the other woman? His whore? When was the last time her fingers touched him so intimately?

How pitiful was it to glance up at him like this.

My dear, why do you call the woman a whore? Diavolo was the strongest man of them all. He was no easy target. Why do you make it sound like she took him? He gave himself away. He probably seduced her.

You stood up. Smiled at the man undeserving of kindness. He saw it. He saw it and yet his eyes still avoided yours.

Guilt. For the first time,perhaps ever in his life, Diavolo was hesitant. Approaching you like this was a confession of his betrayal.

He stayed silent as your hands gently fixed his tie that someone else tugged on not too long ago. “This is no way to present yourself. Do you wish for them to say the future King grew messy?”

How ironic was this rhetorical question phrased just like the one on the day you left? How much of a paradox was this position identical to the way you two said goodbye in love?

Diavolo still loved you.

That much you knew when his hand grabbed yours in a desperate attempt to keep you close. To keep the magnificent presence within this room. His serious gaze was solely focused on you. If only you were the sole partner.

His deep voice, filled with regret, still charmed. “One word from you and she will be banished forever. I adore you. I was helpless without you around. That is what made me so weak to fall into this predicament. I love you. You know that.”

His fingers intertwined with yours. A pathetic attempt. How dare he cite your absence as his justification?! There is a clear difference between that justified and that which was just an excuse.

If you had to say anything to get the other woman out of the castle it was already pointless to try and rectify this broken trust; broken love; between the two of you.

Good observation my dear, the other woman became pregnant while you were still receiving treatment. She gave him something you sacrificed every part of yourself for.

“Diavolo...” Your soft voice trailing off already told him the conclusion he was dreading. Begging to avoid. He knew of your humanity; he knew how pitiful he was. Diavolo, despite everything, still was enough of a man; enough of a lover, to know he had to respect your decision.

Your hand slipped from his hold. He remained still. Like a statue of a fallen hero.

“Diavolo, huh?”, a deep sigh. How long had he not heard you call his name? Was this the tone he must remember the end by? He cannot have that. His heart cannot have that.

“Beloved, please. Just once more. It would be a tragedy to part like this. Have you really stopped loving me?”

You knew what he was asking for. How kind of you to fulfil his wish; gently fixing a few strands of his hair, while love still lingered in your eyes. My dear, this is almost cruel from you.

With those eyes you looked into his. Gave him a sad smile and graced him, graced his wish, in a soft voice.

“My only one, my love belongs to those that are faithful.”

(I hope you have enjoyed reading it until now. I wonder how you feel and if you like it. Feel free to talk to me and ask me questions if you have any. Your feedback is treasured. I promise you. Posting this at 1:34am tho has me feeling a bit loopy. Is loopy a word? Unsure. However from the bottom of my heart- thank you for reading until now.)

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me x reader #obey me imagines #obey me diavolo #diavolo x mc #diavolo x reader #cheating #angst #diavolo

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veiledpeaches · 5 years ago

Text

chance encounters | part i: what secrets we keep

Summary: Between pages of meddling friends and societal expectations, all she actually wants is to find a happily ever after with Doyoung, even if it feels like that is no longer possible.

part i x part ii x part iii x part iv x part v x part vi

word count: 3k

thank you @seasonblues, you’re an inspiration to me.

She has just clocked into the office when she spots Doyoung at his desk, typing away furiously at his screen. This morning he has the blinds around his office up, such that anyone entering the office can see the faint glow of the computer screen reflected on Doyoung’s countenance. She guesses that he would be leaving the office earlier today, since he’s dressed a bit more casually, electing for his fringe to fall loosely onto the tip of his eyebrows instead of its usual comma hairstyle, his pressed white button-down free of its tie. His lips are moving, presumably mouthing the words presented on his screen while his eyebrows are slightly furrowed in thought.

As she gets to her desk, she lets her leather satchel, plump with files, fall onto her chair before walking towards the Managing Editor’s office.

“Haewon!” Doyoung’s face lights up as he meets her gaze, a childish and toothy grin forming on his face as he takes the cup of coffee from her. “I have excellent news for you.”

“Morning boss,” she laughs, “aren’t you leaving tomorrow? I thought you were on leave today.”

Doyoung hums dismissively, taking a sip of his coffee. “They like it, the Evergreen winner. They liked his work.”

The Evergreen Writers’ Competition was a local youth creative writing competition that was also a popular event that publishers looked into to discover aspiring and potential young writers. Haewon had been promoting the recent winner’s work to Doyoung relentlessly for the past few weeks. Even though Doyoung had been generally unconvinced of the commercial potential of the novel, he had submitted her proposal of it to Headquarters for their consideration under Haewon’s ceaseless endorsement.

“They’re publishing it?” Haewon presses her hands together with glee, “They liked it?”

“They liked it so much they want me to bring both the original and revised manuscript when I leave tomorrow. Oh, I’ll need the cover artwork too. They’re planning on translating and pushing it out to the American audience.” Doyoung smiles knowingly.

“I told you it was good!”

There is a hint of a smile at Doyoung’s lips, “I have to admit I couldn’t put it down the whole time, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. But-” he pauses, “you need to admit the writing isn’t spectacular. The emotions are too raw, and his diction is unrefined-”

“These are things we can change with copyediting boss,” Haewon emphasizes, “with proofreading. We can make it better. But the world building is immaculate. It’s an incredible piece of work for a seventeen-year-old.”

Doyoung narrows his eyes, a smirk peeking from his lips. “Are you sure this has nothing to do with the way he looks?”

“Boss!” Haewon is scandalized, “he’s seventeen!”

“When I googled about him, I knew at once why Marketing said he would be good for press,” he laughs. “He looks more like he should be scoring on a game or scoring dates than scoring at a budding writers’ competition.”

While Doyoung has maintained a more professional relationship with her through the three years she has worked as his assistant, there are moments like these where Doyoung’s cheeky side slips through the cracks, reminding her of why she was so drawn to him from the very start. How effortless his humor is, how playful he actually is. The small crinkles that form at the corner of his eyes when his face breaks into a laugh. How wide his eyes get and how dramatic his gestures become when he’s talking about things he loves outside of work, like a drama he’d just started on, or the current political climate. The way he bends over her desk to explain to her about target readership in different export markets. And more than that. How much he loves reading, and his job, even on days he can’t agree with the directors. How he throws a disdainful expression at her when he overhears colleagues making sexist comments. How he tells her he’s trying to become a better listener, whether people need that or not. How convinced he is of his rightness and proud he is of his work, but not in the least satisfied with it. How attentive he is to every detail, whether it’s about Accounting’s expenditure records or about how her eyes remain a bit watery for the rest of the day after she receives a call from her mother.

Haewon rolls her eyes, but her smile is unwavering. “I’ll go prepare the documents you need now, boss.”

He nods and turns to his phone in his hand, and she’s about to turn and exit his office, when he speaks again, this time gentler, “oh by the way, Inhee told me you haven’t RSVP’d yet.”

He looks up from his phone, and then back at it again, his smile uneasy – a classic Doyoung gesture when he needed to ask about something he didn’t really want to. As if he needed to check his guest list again. “Would you be busy that day? I don’t recall you telling me you had to be out of town.”

She’s about to speak, when a breathless Lee Donghyuck appears out of the blue, rushing to Doyoung and sighing emphatically about this month’s sales numbers. She smiles and nods, exiting his office with a promise of talking later.

It’s just after lunch and well into Haewon’s food coma when her desk phone rings, startling her from a well-deserved but secret post-lunch doze.

“Dam-il Publishing, this is Haewon speaking.”

“Haewon!” The excited whisper is characteristic only of Nakamoto Yuta, whose wide-eyed gaze Haewon meets as she averts her eyes towards the Designers side of the office. “It’s me, it’s me!”

“Oh Yuta, that reminds me, I’ll need the proposed artwork for Cho Young Jun’s novel.”

“Cho Young Jun? The bald guy?”

“No! The prodigy! The Evergreen winner! I need it by today, Doyoung’s flying to New York tomorrow-”

“Oh, I’ve completed that weeks ago, I’ll email it over later whatever – listen, I heard what Doyoung asked you about just now. About the wedding.”

Haewon flinches, then realizes what Yuta would probably be thinking, and a small sigh of relief leaves her. “You mean Donghyuck told you.”

“I heard, Donghyuck told me – what does it matter… Is it because of the program? Did you get in?”

General nosiness aside, Yuta’s actually one of the few colleagues (other than Doyoung) whose company Haewon really enjoys. Which is why Haewon had told him about an application she made months ago, to pursue a master’s program in Literary Arts at Brown University. Needless to say, she had earned Yuta’s immediate and fervent support, knowing that studying English Literature instead of Creative Writing for her bachelor’s had been a cop-out on Haewon’s part and a regret she had drunkenly let slip to him at an informal company gathering.

She’d always wanted to study Creative Writing, and while she didn’t exactly need that master’s degree to become a writer per se, she really hopes to further her studies in fiction writing.

“No Yuta, I haven’t received news yet.”

“Shouldn’t you know by now?” Yuta has always been straightforward, “besides, why’re you keeping it a secret? You should just tell Doyoung; you’re so close, he’ll be happy for you. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty about taking your shot.”

The reality is, the situation is a lot more complicated than Yuta’s understanding. There’s the thing with leaving the company in the midst of this busy period when Doyoung needs his assistant, but there’s also the other thing, the bigger issue at stake. That Haewon is in love with Doyoung and might not necessarily want to see him walk down the aisle with a woman who isn’t her.

“It’s not that simple – besides, he’s been swamped ever since the acquisition.”

Dam-il Publishing Co. was a small local publishing company with a focus in Korean language fiction novels, until its recent acquisition by the large multinational New York-based Bertsman Publishing House. Despite the acquisition, Bertsman had allowed Dam-il to retain its name, knowing that it is an emerging trusted brand among aspiring and established writers, and a known publishing company in many Korean households. However, the acquisition had also brought Bertsman employees into the office, and the number of people were far too many for Doyoung to handle at the start.

Doyoung is also, generally, a less trusting person when it comes to work ethics. While he greatly appreciates his Dam-il subordinates and their efficiency, he has less to say about their Bertsman counterparts – in Yuta’s words, Doyoung finds them “fucking lazy”. Haewon has always been his key go-to person to check on their progress in their projects, and he relies on her effortlessly and wholeheartedly.

Doyoung is… something else. According to their mutual friend Johnny, Doyoung had majored in Finance in college, done inexplicably well and had received an offer from one of the big four financial consulting companies even before graduation. However, as Doyoung had told him upon graduation, that wasn’t the life he was after. He loved books and wanted to make a career out of it, so he started working for Dam-il as an Acquisitions Editor’s assistant right after graduation against the heed of his professors and university friends. He was, to say the least, smart and a fast learner, quickly making his way up the company ladder and was handed the highest rank of Managing Editor in just nine years (a fact that somehow only made Doyoung more attractive to Haewon).

Thanks to his work ethic and Dam-il’s excellent sales numbers, he’s now the Bertsman CEO Fulworth’s most trusted Managing Editor – something Johnny loves teasing him about.

Yuta sighs into the phone, lifting her from her stupor against the quiet backdrop of a whirring air-conditioner and a bubbling coffee machine.

“Well nevertheless, you need to tell him soon, Haewon – especially if you can’t go to his wedding.”

Johnny is sitting in front of their living room window by the time Haewon reaches home. She’s completely exhausted, her cranberry lipstick visible only on the outer reaches of her mouth and her eyeliner leaving small charcoal patches beneath her lower lashes. It’s ten in the evening on a Friday night, but surprisingly Johnny is at home sipping red wine, his eyes relaxed and shut. His other hand gestures wildly and somewhat pretentiously like an overexcited conductor to what Haewon recognizes as the last line of Frank Sinatra’s I’ve Got The World On A String.

“You’re home early,” Haewon comments.

Johnny swings around in his chair. “Haewonnie, I feel like I’ve gotten old,” he pouts dramatically, even though, Haewon thinks, his bright, enthusiastic puppy-like expression definitely begs to differ.

“Mark asked me after work if I wanted to hit a bar downtown with the kids tonight – but I actually feel drained. I had to say no.” The slightly annoying and yet endearing pout hasn’t left his face.

Just as Doyoung is Fulworth’s golden boy, Mark Lee is Johnny’s – constantly trailing after him at his company. Despite being almost thirty-two years old and the head of his department, Johnny loves hanging out with the young employees and interns, determined to keep his youthfulness in check.

Haewon grew up in the same neighborhood as Johnny back in Chicago, where Johnny was popular among the Asian kids as the kind older brother to them, fending off bullies on their behalf and bringing them to bookstores and ice-skating rings and bowling alleys. When he turned fifteen, Johnny moved back to South Korea to attend high school – a decision that surprised everyone in the neighborhood. But Johnny has always done what Johnny wants and exceled in every situation, so his parents agreed. While Haewon did not consider herself particularly close to Johnny when they were younger, Johnny has always been generous with his concern for others. When he found out from his mother that she was planning a move to Korea three years ago, he reached out to her and offered to share his apartment with her.

(“The rent is too expensive anyway,” Johnny had insisted, but Haewon knew even then that he could definitely afford it given his salary.)

Johnny is… pretty much Haewon’s lifesaver. Even before she came to Korea, Johnny had everything arranged for her. Understanding that she had majored in English Literature and loved books, he hooked her up with a publishing job at Dam-il under Doyoung, a deed Haewon has always been insanely grateful for. And while she had been shy and quiet upon her arrival to Korea, his cheerful demeanor, along with his puppy-like enthusiasm and child-like laughter had been more than enough to draw Haewon out of her shell. Even though she had been depressed and lost in life, Johnny had been by her side, cheering her up and restoring her usual happy glow.

Unsurprisingly, Johnny is the director of the product design department for a leading technology conglomerate. Unlike Doyoung, Johnny actually enjoys the ‘hustler’ lifestyle of ‘work hard, play hard’.

They met in college where they were both in the Business faculty. Despite being inherently different, the two became close quickly, bonding over a shared distaste for unnecessary societal expectations and parochial attitudes stereotypical of elitists in their country. While growing up abroad made Johnny more open-minded and gentler with the people he met, Doyoung’s open-mindedness is the culmination of years of observing people and their idiosyncrasies. The tough experiences of witnessing school bullying and students’ imploding from academic stress fueled a quiet and righteous, vaguely Robin Hood-like, anger towards societal insularity, that is now characteristic of Kim Doyoung.

“You’re not old – besides, who wants to go to a bar when you can drink in the comfort of your own home?”

“I want to! Haewon-ah, you’re acting too old for your age-”

Her phone rings, interrupting Johnny’s nagging monologue. She glances at the caller ID before picking up quickly.

“Hey boss, what’s up?” In the background, she can hear Johnny making a chant out of the words ‘is it Doyoung?’, leaning out of his seat to peer over eagerly. She nods, and a huge grin spreads over his face.

“So sorry to disturb you this late, but it’s kind of an emergency- is that Johnny?”

It takes a moment for Haewon to realize, but Johnny has since progressed from his ‘is it Doyoung’ song to a strange jingle that sounds like ‘my friend Kim Doyoung, my brother Kim Doyoung, my love Kim Doyoung’ to the tune of a lullaby. “Yeah it is, he’s lying spread-eagled on the ground now and crying out your name in despair-”

Doyoung laughs, breathlessly and colorfully, sounding like a musical instrument of his own and making Haewon smile as she walks into her room and away from Johnny’s antics.

“Say hi to him for me. Okay so,” his voice turns serious, “do you have Cho Young Jun’s file?”

“Yeah I have it with me right now, it’s in my bag.”

“Oh thank God,” Doyoung heaves a sigh of relief, “sorry, I might need you to bring it to the airport tomorrow. I need his personal particulars and the signed hard copy of his indemnity form.”

“No apologies needed boss – but, so urgently?”

“Yeah,” Doyoung sounds frustrated, and Haewon can almost picture him running his fingers through his hair, a gesture not in the least unattractive to her. “Well he’s still considered a minor, so royalties will probably go directly to his guardian for safekeeping. And… They want him to do press.”

“Okay, so I’ll reach out to our usual media and PR agencies – what does that have to do with-”

“No…” Doyoung sighs, “American press; talk shows, interviews – things like that.”

“He’s seventeen.” Haewon raises an eyebrow, “he’s totally unprepared for that kind of thing. Plus, his English isn’t fluent, last time I checked.”

Johnny has since entered her room and conjured the most dramatically shocked expression Haewon has ever seen, as if Doyoung had informed her that Cho Young Jun would be going into prostitution instead of doing press. She glares at him as she listens to Doyoung’s instructions, ending the call with a, “okay sure, I’ll bring them for you tomorrow. Good night boss.”

Johnny smirks as she finishes the call, “ooh boss. Kinky. Me likey.”

Johnny is the only person privy to Haewon’s admittedly rather long term ‘crush’ on Doyoung, catching on rather quickly since they met and letting her down gently with “he’s attached, Haewonnie”. In fact, it’s been three years since Johnny has shared that piece of information with her, but Haewon is unfortunately still hopelessly in love with Doyoung.

Ever the best friend, while Johnny has told her that he’s worried about her pertaining to this, he manages to make the situation more light-hearted effortlessly. In fact, he sometimes cracks jokes at her expense to her privately and not unkindly, while knowing when to offer her a shoulder to cry on.

“You’ve heard me call him boss a thousand times,” she rolls her eyes, pushing him out of her room to rest for the night, “also, you’re driving me to the airport tomorrow.”

Johnny drums his fingers against the steering wheel, his cheeks puffing up as he waits for Haewon’s text to get to his car at the pick-up point. They had left the house at eight in the morning to catch Doyoung at the airport just in time before his flight, and Johnny really needs to catch up on sleep once they get home. He is absentmindedly humming to Alicia Keys’ If I Ain’t Got You on the radio, when Haewon clumsily gets into his car.

“Johnny-” At once, he realizes she’s ashen pale, her lips quivering.

“What’s wrong, Haewon? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“John, I just… I just saw…”

“What?” He starts the car and begins the route home when Haewon’s next words make him pull up at the side of the road in shock.

“Inhee’s cheating on Doyoung…”

w/n: this fic will be updated regularly until its resolution, look out for an update every Thursday at 9pm KST.

talk to me!! here

#nct imagines #doyoung imagines #johnny imagines #doyoung scenarios #johnny scenarios #doyoung angst #doyoung fluff #nct scenarios #nct #doyoung #johnny #nct fanfiction #doyoung fanfiction #johnny fanfiction #nct au #chance encounters #my work

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godkingsanointed · 4 years ago

Note

💀💍☄️⚖️🍵🎨✨🎁💗🕰️🗣️⚡I KNOW IT'S NOT ALLOWED BUT I WANT TO KNOW THESE ABOUT GRIEF

Seb

Buddy

I adore you you know this

But I think this is the longest ask iv ever written

HERE WE FUCKIN GO

If you asked Grief if she'd ever lost anyone to death she'd tell you no,nothing is lost to death because that's where we all go to sleep,and that life is the preparation for it. But if she stopped being a riddle for two seconds she'd say yes,she lost her mother as an infant and lost a whole party before she joined up with the strahd hunters. How she feels about it is...more complicated then she'd let you assume. She carried the unjust blame for her mother's death and even if she wears her name with pride she really *does* wonder if she had something to do with it. Add to that being the only survivor of the party who originally accompanied her into barovia,strahds words stay with her. *maybe she is cursed*

Her most valuable possession is a doll Makan,her adoptive father,made for her the very first day they met. It's a little plush raven,overstuffed and well worn at this point. It currently stays in Theo's crib with him

Grief very VERY much believes in fate. All things are planned out,and while your not a puppet on a string the universe will guide you if you listen. It's not always nice,and sometimes death is part of a plan,but there is a reason to all things. Fate is part if the raven queens domain,so grief considers herself a custodian of like and death as well as helping guide fate where it needs to go

Greatest crime she's committed hmmmm....Grief doesn't really care at all about laws,for her you put the morality of the situation first so if to save a life you need to steal then she doesn't care. So id say probably stealing armour from the guard station while the village was attacked by vampires. Can't save the town if your d e a d

Rumours about her? Hmmmm,Id imagine back home that there are plenty of people who whisper that having her visit you is an ill omen,that she brings death. In reality the ravenqueen whispers to her who is about to die so she can sit with them and do whatever last rites that persons believes dictate,she just happens to show up before anyone else knows what's happening

Singing is griefs main creative outlet,def was dubbed 'Songbird' around the temple an probs lead a lot of the choir pieces

If she was a deity? Oooooo that's a very good one hmmm...a deity for the lost,for the forgotten (especially children). A comforting voice in the dark for anyone who's alone,it'd be her,draped completely in black and gold,asking for a dance and a chat. Her form of worship would be community work,and telling her all about their day and the gossip and just like,anything. Stop in and talk,bring your friends,bring your family. Her places of worship would be big communal areas,a small statue or something in a town hall or a nursery,in the living room of a home. Her teachings are essentially we're all in this together,and no one should be alone

The perfect gift for her...hmmm. she's both v materialistic AND sentimental so like fashion and jewelry are always a hit,but if you make her something? Or it's a really weird/distinct little trinket that will remind her of you every time she see's it? That's what she REALLY loves. Bad presents would be like...vague shit. Uno the kind of thing you get when you don't know someone/Aren't really trying? She'd rather you didn't bother. She wraps gifts ridiculously intricately,and tries to personalise every little bit of it

Relationships for her a something she takes v seriously,when you spent so much time alone as a child you learn the value of company. She considers those at ravenscrest and the party to be her family,though she is curious about the existing Howlens noble like..do they have any idea about her? Do they care? Mostly she's ok with being ignored but occasionally she starts a letter and ends up throwing it away. Now she has baby Theo she feels less inclined to teach out,how could they have locked an infant away? When she imagines that happening to him,she realises how messed up it really was. An,of course,then there's Byron. That bittersweet nightmare. Love at first sight,hate at first kidnap attempt. Deep down she likes to imagine if it had all stayed a prince charming dream,but he's so deeply poison that she can't hold onto it for long. Still,she feels bad for him,lost in the darkness all alone. She knows what that's like,and she wants to free him,once and for all

Past events that change there future hmm. Well,Makan "convincing" the Howlens family to hand over custody and take her out of the room she'd stayed in since birth was a big one. Before that though,would be the day she found a book on deities,and was stirred to sympathy at the unfairly tiny section on the ravenqueen. From then on she spoke to the RQ every day to "keep her company" even when the family accused her of whispering to devils. Eventually she got a reply. She also thinks often about hope,the baby she helped deliver in barovia,how she's doing ect. Definitely inspired her to do more of that when she returned home,helping with bringing new life as well as her responsibilities to the dead

Words to hurt them hmmmm. The insinuation that death is her fault,that she's some kind of doombringer. That people are scared of her,that they *should* be scared of her. Things to cheer her up would be that she's comforting to be around,that she helped in some way,that Theo seems happy. Good advice for her hmmmmmmmm...That not every second has to be a chance to improve/price faith. That sometimes it's find to just sit back and relax with the people she's wanting to give everything to 24/7

Grief is phobic of closed spaces and locked doors. A little part of her will always be scared she's going to end up trapped again,so she sleeps next to Windows and prefers open spaces. She repeats prayers and mantra's over and over when she's scared,and her tail usually wraps around whatever is closest,she gets incredibly quiet and jumpy. She might be able to lessen her fear over the years,but I doubt she'll ever fully get over it

#grief howlens #missed this girl

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liarinlife · 4 years ago

Text

about.

please read on for an introduction to this blog, myself, and roleplay rules!!

i. introduction to the blog

hi! this is my literate roleplay blog for markus spieler, aka actor mark (character created by mark fischbach [markiplier] from the series who killed markiplier? and its universe). i’ve been heavily involved with his character since the creation of the series in 2017, but only started roleplaying and analysing him in 2019. that being said, it’s a deep dark rabbit hole, and I thought I’d finally make this blog!

i will be roleplaying on here as actor mark, whom I have given the name markus spieler, later changed to mark iplier. i roleplay exclusively literately and reserve the right to be a little exclusive with who i roleplay with: but generally speaking, i’ll do so with almost anyone.

that being said, there are some reasons I will not interact with a blog:

You are under 16.

Your character is an OC without much detail.

You are rude or seem intent on starting drama or controlling my muse.

You maintain the belief that actor mark is inherently and unquestionably evil.

You are consistently negative without tagging it on your blog.

You may be a lovely person despite these! However I cannot deal with drama or excessive negativity on my blog — it’s 2020 and the world is in enough of a state as it is without tumblr drama dragging me down too. I turned 18 recently and don’t want to roleplay with minors: not because of talent or skill in writing, because I know many younger writers who are incredibly skilled, but personal preference. Please don’t lie to me about your age — if I find out you have roleplayed with me and are under 16, I will block you.

ii. introduction to the mun

i’ll introduce myself a little! my name is nox and i’m 18 years old. i’m from the uk, scotland to be specific, and a trans guy (he/him pronouns please)! i’ve been writing and roleplaying for a multitude of fandoms since i was 11, and last july wrote a whole novel! i’m redrafting and editing it now, as well as working on the prequel (all of which you can find more information on at @noxstories).

iii. disclaimer

i do not own markiplier’s ideas or creations, nor do i claim to. they are his and his entirely. that being said, the writing and interpretation of this character are mine, based either on myself or my viewing of the character! please do not argue with me on headcanons - feel free to question them and i’ll happily explain them, but i will not stand for criticism or argument on headcanons!

iv. content warnings

this blog’s nature is also going to be dark. the actor’s story and background is not a happy one, and many replies will no doubt feature many of the following, implied or implicitly stated:

death, violence & gore, suicide, suicide idealisation, alcohol abuse / alcoholism, reality (and the lack thereof in markus’ mind), mental illness, unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm, murder, betrayal, unhealthy / toxic relationships, cursing, the supernatural, body horror, manipulation, possession and a very unreliable narrator in the form of markus himself (his grip on his sanity isn’t entirely as good as it could be).

to avoid seeing these, block the tag “tw [insert trigger of your choice]”. that’s what i’ll be tagging things, so please keep yourself safe!

that being said, i will not do nsfw, not publicly, as i’m uncomfortable with the idea of other people [and potentially minors] seeing. flirting and innuendos are okay!

v. roleplay

finally, the part that people are waiting for! these are my rules and regulations for roleplay, please adhere to them as much as possible. if you aren’t sure about something, ask!!

literate rp only please. i find non-lit or script rp incredibly hard to keep in character, because i prefer writing the thoughts on my muse too. the replies do not need to be excessively long, and i will try to match my partner’s length!

this is a multi-ship blog, but this does not mean i ship markus with everyone. i reserve the right to choose ships based on chemistry and how comfortable i am with the ship and mun. so please, don’t act as if your muse is already dating mine without having discussed with me first!)

due to the darker nature of this blog, as stated above, you must be 16 years or older to roleplay with me! please don’t lie about your age: roleplaying dark themes with those younger than 16 makes me wary.

please don’t godmod. i have made my muse the way he is for a reason and therefore assuming he will act in a certain manner or actually controlling him in the rp will instantly dissuade me from continuing. if you’re unsure about something, or it’s necessary to control my character, ask me before replying!

on that note, please don’t make your own character invincible, not entirely so. it gets stale easily and is unrealistic. powers and seemingly-invincible characters are fine, but please be wary. if your character consistently wins every fight or encounter, it gets tiring after a while!

I am 100% open for roleplay with duplicates!! i would prefer they were different from my version of the actor, but i think exploring the dynamic between two actors would be incredibly interesting!!

i won’t roleplay with personal blogs. sideblogs are welcome, and personals are welcome to follow, but please, don’t request a starter or roleplay, and do not reblog my roleplay threads or information to non-rp blogs. i would be excessively uncomfortable with this account making its way into the non-rp part of the fandom!

lastly, please don’t bug me for replies. i start oxford university this year and their summer reading list is insane, so i am working through that, and also run so many other blogs on tumblr, not to mention i am preoccupied with my own life - writing, studying, and friends. i’ll reply as soon as i find muse, and in return i won’t bug anyone else for replies!!

vi. brief portrayal of the actor

probably an important note - i do not portray or see the actor as ‘evil’. is he a bastard? yes. an asshole? absolutely. but he was manipulated deeply by the Manor Entity, and the events of the poker night were heavily influenced by It.

he is more of a rebellious pawn running away from his mistakes than he is an evil, scheming mastermind - an arrogant, broken coward who cannot face the consequences for his actions. his name is markus spieler, though he no longer goes by that name, instead preferring mark iplier; his stage name he adopted not long before he reached the peak of his acting career.

vii. conclusion

thank you for reading this far! this is a long post, but please don’t let it dissuade you from roleplaying with me. i love making new friends and will happily rp with almost anyone, as long as they’re a roleplay blog and 16+. a more in-depth character introduction will be posted shortly - as it is, here are my rules for now!!

#liarinlife / housekeeping #liarinlife / info #(those are my tags for these things!)#(i’ll make a proper post soon)#(so much to do and so little time)

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thelittlestcheshire · 5 years ago

Text

Hello! I’m Katie, and this is my muse Ches. If any of you were in Luxor over the summer, you know this pain in the ass so I’m probably gonna do a quick “here’s where this brat was” recap at the bottom, along with anything I’ve changed between that Ches and this Ches! I’m really excited to be back, and I’m really looking forward to roleplaying with everyone.

I also have the habit of writing crazy long bios when I do bother to write them so there’s a tl;dr for that, also some wanted connections at the bottom. I love plotting so if you ever have any ideas, feel free to come excited scream with me here or on Discord! So without further ado ♥

TWs: Gun Violence / Murder / Death (not by Ches), Blood, Abuse (Relationship), Cheating, Mental Illnesses, Drugs/Alcohol, Overdoses (also not by Ches / did not result in death)

Is that HAILEY CHESHIRE “CHES” ELSWOOD? Wow, they do look a lot like KATHERINE MCNAMARA. I hear SHE is a SEVENTEEN EIGHTEEN year old SENIOR who originally attended CARNIFEX Academy. Word is they are an ARISTOCRAT student. You should watch out because they can be IMPULSIVE and STUBBORN, but on the bright side they can also be ENERGENIC and LOYAL. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself. [KATIE, 23, EST, SHE/HERS]

Last Edit: 8/26/2020

♥ basics; Full Name: Hailey Cheshire “Ches” Elswood Preferred Name: Ches Elswood Age: 18 Birthday: July 19th, 2002 at 03:22 am Sexual Orientation: Biromantic bisexual Relationship Status: It’s complicated ( @ Elliot ) Occupation: Student Nationality: American [with French dual citizenship] Ches’s Car

♥ classes;

Anthropology

Shakespearean Studies

Linguistics

Latin

Music

Advanced Sociology

Advanced Psychology

World History

♥ extracurriculars;

National Honor Society

Theater Club (Actor)

Concert Band (Piano)

♥ background; Place of Birth: Paris, France Hometown: Manhattan, New York, New York Health Issues: Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD, not that she likes to admit to it, however. She’s also highly allergic to the Perciformes family of fish (tuna, mackrel, perch , and bass). While she’s okay with the salmoniformes (Salmon and Trout), she really doesn’t touch fish outside of... literally salmon she makes herself since that’s all she trusts ok. ((Shellfish is fine though) Traumas: Watching her mother die (mugging gone wrong/shot to death)

♥ physical; Face Claim: Katherine McNamara Eye Color: Green Hair Color: Red Height: 5′3 ½” (not at fc height quick side note) Weight: 115 lbs Tattoos, Birthmarks, Scars, etc: Mole above her belly button, a few moles on her thighs, freckles and face moles. (Face Ref 1, Face Ref 2, Body Ref 1, Body Ref 2) . She also has a tattoo now.

♥ zodiac;

Tropical

Sun: Cancer Moon: Scorpio Mercury: Cancer Venus: Virgo Mars: Leo Jupiter: Cancer Saturn: Gemini Uranus: Aquarius Neptune: Aquarius Pluto: Sagittarius Lilith: Aries N Node: Gemini

Placidus Orb

I ASC: Gemini II: Cancer III: Cancer IV: Leo V: Virgo VI: Libra VII: Sagittarius VIII: Capricorn IX: Capricorn X MC: Aquarius XI: Pisces XII: Aries

♥ relatives;

Father’s Full Name: Edward Valentine Elswood Father’s Status: Alive Father’s Occupation: CEO/Owner of a multi-billion dollar luxury goods conglomerate (net worth of 50+ Billion in fact - in turn, Elswood kids do NOT bat an eyelash at prices) Mother’s Full Name: Julia Andrieux Elswood Mother’s Status: Deceased [shot by a mugger on the twin’s 8th birthday] Future Step-Mother: Rebekah Carroll (soon to be Elswood, watch this space lol) Step-Mother’s Occupation: Siblings: 6 brothers and sisters (family page here) Elswood-Carroll Children Oldest to Youngest:

Logan Elswood (24)

Jamie Elswood (22)

Emmett Elswood (19)

Cade Carroll (19)

Jonah / Ches Elswood (TWINS)

Flynn Carroll (16)

Effie Elswood (14)

Ella Elswood (10)

She also has a niece named Isabella (Belle) who’s now almost 8 months (DOB: 07/10/2019). Belle belongs to her oldest brother, Logan (and Belle’s mother isn’t in the picture).

This is a link to the Elswood family page if you’d like to know more about her family.

♥ relationships; Ex-Significant Other(s): Probably a handful of people tbh, hit me up if you want this as a WC Reason for Separation: Stuff not working out, Ches getting bored before she got attached, so on - she’s a flirt tbh, it takes her wanting to get invested for her to stay Current Significant Other: N/A

♥ misc;

Hobbies and Talents: Ches’s main hobbies are playing piano and archery (she forever misses her bow and arrow while she’s at school), as these are also the two things that are best at calming her down. She has an intense love for acting, so it’s not uncommon for her to be one of the first people to sign up for auditions, and she tends to sing a lot so musicals are truly her shit. It’s not uncommon to see her in the library, reading a book late a night.

However, a talent she doesn’t exactly own up to often is her talent for forgeries and lockpicking. While she doesn’t use these skills as they’re intended for often, she does tend to practice them a lot, so she’s not rusty for when they are actually useful.

Pinterest Section // Musings Tag // Playlist (it’s an in general Ches playlist tho)

Ches speaks English and French fluently, her mother was born and raised in Paris so she learnt them both at the same time

DO NOT CALL HER HAILEY unless you really want to end up on her shit list, it’s her biggest pet peeve, she will glare at you for hours.

She’s the mom friend if your mom friend also goes “I HAVE THE BEST IDEA” and drags you into trouble. Literally, the one who frets over you and proceeds to get you into trouble.

This muse does what she wants, I just write it down I apologize always for her

Doesn’t really... seriously date too much because of past situations (Her older brother slept with the first person she truly loved) and she tries to avoid falling in love

That being said platonic I love yous are her shit, she loves her friends a LOT

Ches is very serious about her studying (and wanting to be among the best of the best because - this girl has Ivy league college dreams and she has no intents on fucking those up), so like expect her to do shit like read an entire textbook at the start of school and study at midnight when her insomnia is kicking her ass.

She’s a bit of a closet nerd - if you look under her bed she has a chest of comic books, she’ll just lie if you ask her about them

Ches left Luxor due to a family emergency in October, it was a really hard decision (and it was a really hard decision to come back). She is just now coming back to school.

She got her tattoo while she was away from school, using a forged note of parental consent in New Jersey.

♥ bio;

TWs: Gun Violence, Murder, Death, Blood, Abuse (Relationship), Cheating, Mental Illnesses

Growing up as an Elswood means two things, you have a lot of siblings and a lot of money. Her parents had decided to raise their children in Manhattan, New York, where they could keep a close eye on their multi-billion dollar conglomerate. Her mother, Julia, would take them on trips constantly too - when she wanted to get the children away from the hustle and bustle of the city they’d go to their vacation home upstate, or their private island, or even to visit their family in Paris. At that point in life, Ches was happy. She had a solid group of friends, she had the best friend she could ever imagine having in the form of her twin brother, she had a loving and warm family, and she had a parent who would tell her no.

When she thinks back to her life before the incident, it feels like a completely different story. A fairytale even, perfect and happy in every way compared to her life now. However, it wouldn’t last, after all, fairy tales didn’t exist and reality was a much crueler mistress. One could say Lin-Manuel Miranda described it best; “life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes and it takes.”

Everything changed on her eighth birthday when her mother took her out shopping to get a present for twin brother Jonah at Palisades Mall. A man came up with a gun while they were in the parking lot and asked for all of their money. Julia Elswood compiled but she made one mistake, the simple utterance of “Cours, Ches” as she gave the man her purse.

Ches might have gotten out of the event alive, but not she was not unscathed. Julia Elswood was pronounced dead when medics finally arrived on the scene, her blood coating her daughter’s hands and clothing from Ches’s attempts to stop the bleeding. She might have survived the event without physical harm but she was never the same child she was before after that.

One day she had an intact family, the next day the Elswoods were in ruin. Her father completely shut himself out from the family, only coming out for birthdays and holidays. Her oldest brother stepped up as their parental figure, first starting out with homeschooling before he eventually dropped out to ensure his siblings were getting as much of his time as they possibly could. He tried his hardest to make the loss of their mother easier on the younger girls especially, given how young they were at the time. She helped him with the girls as much as she could (and overtime she slowly started filling the role as their second parent). Because of how busy the younger Elswood children kept him, sometimes Logan didn’t have the time to comfort Ches when she woke up in the middle of the night, haunted by their mother.

That was when Emmett stepped in. It wasn’t uncommon for him to sleep on her floor so he’d be there when she woke up terrified out of her mind, and he was there when she just eventually stopped sleeping like people tended to. Over time she realized that Jonah and her weren’t truly two peas in a pod the way they used to be, that Emmett was the only Elswood who truly got her. He wasn’t perfectly normal either, his thoughts and feelings were flawed like hers.

In a family that made her feel so broken at times, Emmett was a saving grace - a reminder she wasn’t alone.

Going to school in Carnifex was an easy decision when you felt so alone at home, at school she found a close group of people she loved and cared about - she felt less alone and less like her family were judging her, and when the feeling came up - she could always toss herself back into her schoolwork and pretend that maybe, just maybe, she was just a normal kid living a normal boring life. Family issues easily bred vulnerability though, and it was that vulnerability that was exploited not long before she was set to start Carnifex.

Long-distance relationships weren't’ supposed to be easy, but when she fell in love for the first time. At the time, she had thought she was as fucked up as she could ever be, that at this point she was just focused on healing the wounds her mother’s death had left in therapy and after that, everything would be fine. James Ruth quickly showed her how mistaken she had been, even now she doesn’t like thinking about everything he had done to her. She doesn’t discuss everything he had put her through in the time they were together nor does she have any intentions on truly discussing the worst of the abuse she endured while dating him and she was home - even in therapy. It did, however, have an effect on her, it made her terrified of truly falling in love with somebody again. (Note: James is also a massive reason why she doesn't get along with her brother Jamie, the two Elswood siblings never recovered from Jamie sleeping with Ches’s boyfriend. It causes a good deal of tension in the Elswood home but Ches can’t just forgive him, her brother never even apologized for his actions, she wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t hurt her because her father wanted them to get along for his own sake. They were on the rocks before this and afterward, the tension just got a whole lot worse.)

Going back to Carnifex her sophomore year was a key factor in helping Ches get away from her relationship, and it became as much of a home for her than her actual home was the longer she attended. Sure, she still misses her younger sisters, she misses Emmett and Camellia, and she misses her friends in the city. She also dislikes just how restricted she truly is when it comes to Instagram and trying to grow her influence while she attends Carnifex. Networking had to wait until she was home and sometimes she questions why she decided boarding school was a good idea. And then Ches looks at her friends, at the education she’s receiving, and all the fond memories she’s developing. Carnifex, and now Luxor, was well worth the fear of missing out she feels.

If you had asked her at the start of this school year, she would have told you nothing could have gotten her to leave school for any amount of time her senior year, she had spent the whole summer at Luxor (even after hearing about her baby niece, that meant a lot) - she finally settled in, she couldn’t imagine anything happening that would cause her to leave the academy. And then, on October 16th at two am in the morning, she got a phone call from Ella. Their oldest brother, Logan, had overdosed. While his drug addiction had never been a secret to the family, his relapse had been a surprise to Ches. Her brother had sworn up and down he was fine, that everything at home was okay. Going back to New York was a no brainer, her family needed her - and she needed them.

Logan, who’d been the closest thing to a parent she had since her mother died, almost died - she almost lost all the parental figures she ever knew. It was hard, getting adjusted back to New York City, she threw herself into her school work and did her best to fill the shoes Logan left open as he went through rehab, and then, adjusted back to being home. While she stayed in touch with the people she had at Luxor, she wouldn’t come back until her brother way okay - until she felt safe about leaving him with his daughter and their siblings without her as a backup. Coming back to school this time was really hard on her, the homesickness is worse than ever and she’s constantly trying to check in on her siblings (because mom!Ches is truly in full force and she’s trying to get it back down) but she’s glad to be back. She’s missed being at Luxor, a lot, so she’s glad to be back.

TLDR / quick important notes bio recap for rereads:

Ches’s mother was murdered on her 8th birthday in front of her

She was raised by her oldest brother, Logan, and is NOT close to her father really. She also helped raise her younger sisters and is very protective of them.

The Elswood she is closest to is Emmett, Jonah and her grew apart after her mother’s death.

Ches’s first real love was James (an NPC), they dated (entire)Freshman-(mid)Sophomore years, it was abusive (much more than Ches will ever discuss unless she gets majorly close to someone and they HAVE to know (cough still hasn’t happened though cough)) and Ches is now terrified of falling in love again. Her messy as fuck relationships & exes all start after this point.

Ches’s history at Luxor is pretty much in-tact, changes will be below in another section!

Ches left Luxor because of her oldest brother, Logan, overdosing. He is alive but she stayed in NYC until he was out of rehab / stabilized in order to take care of her younger siblings and her niece, Belle.

Notable Luxor Notes:

Anything relating to Thomas (for those of you who know what I mean) really hasn’t occurred, so if you mention it she’ll just be like “who?” This seems like the easiest course of action given how things were left off

Other muses of note I’m not going to account for are: Asher (more will be added as needed).

Ches isn’t a member of the Churchill Circle (I’m leaning towards was never one either just because the reasons she joined are no longer a factor so... she probably wouldn’t have ever joined)

If anyone wants to change history and/or keep it intact, feel free to dm me to let me know and I’ll update this accordingly.

Wanted Connections:

Exes (when Ches dates it’s not for long, but she’s definitely the type to be like “I’ll go out with you” if asked and then... dump you if she thinks she’s getting too attached. So her exes are either on good terms, neutral terms, or they probably dislike her a lot)

Former friends with benefits - while Ches is no longer taking on new ones because of Elliot (and is starting to wean off her current ones), I’m always willing to headcanon past things!

FRIENDSHIPS (I am weak af for a good friendship plot, never be afraid to be like “hey can our muses be friends” the answer is legit always yes)

Enemies (Ches can... be a lot so it’s not unlikely she’s pissed people off ok)

#luxorintro #so yeah pretty much have a Ches and I am SO FREAKING EXCITED TO BE BACK OK #sorry this is so freaking long too ♥#also I was excited I revamped the bio and drafted it #it's about my bedtime right now though so not sure how far I'll get with replies I'm gonna try but it's legit the time I pass out right now

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kz-i-co · 6 years ago

Text

Deal or No Deal: Part IV

» Summary: things left off really bad with Youngjae and you were certain you lost him forever.

» Pairing: Yoo Youngjae/ Reader

» Genre: Angst/smut

» Words: 4.1k

» Warning: Very Cliche love story concept that is probably very cringy.

» Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

» m.list ╫ bap masterlist

Your heart broke watching him climb out that window. You may have lost him forever this time. Why can't you just say those simple words. I love you. You were just afraid of rejection was all.

You both have been together for so long and he walked out of your life first, something deep down in your gut was thinking he could easily do it again. But for some reason things felt different this time. You honestly felt more in love with him now then before. You felt more sick. Like you couldn't even be away from him for long. You decided to just put on a smile and move on, as painful as it is.

It was 2 months exactly. 2 months he climbed out your window. You couldn't see him. He was still around but you excused your self from every social event possible. You just lied and said you were with Chanlee. Chanlee. He was great. He was so sweet and gentle and you didn't deserve him. You weren't in love with him. He wasn't Youngjae. He was the better choice. A gentleman. And that's why you couldn't stay with him. You felt like it was wrong to lead him on, so you ended it as soon as you could. He understood and even continued to be your friend.

Soomin invited you to a family gathering, which at first you thought it would be just a friendly get together at the park not people you were hoping wouldn't be there so you wouldn't be a nervous wreck.

"What the fuck?" You whispered as you were panicking on the inside.

"What?" Soomin asked trying to set up the picnic table, while following your eyes. "Will you stop already."

Your eyes couldn't leave Youngjae. He was chatting up with his friends while that girl clinged onto him. The one you had him speak to that day in the park. It felt like it was forever ago.

"Are you going to avoid him forever?" Soomin brought you back to reality.

"That was the plan, yes."

"You both are acting stupid....you're in love with him, and he is in love with you....simple....now kiss and make up." Soomin snapped.

"He's not in love with me....He told me himself, it was just a lesson, it didn't mean anything."

"And you're believing that?"

"Until he tells me the truth himself, yes I believe that." Your eyes sunk. "Look how happy he looks with her."

Soomin followed your eyes once again. "He's pretending stupid." Then she walked away.

You need to get out of here, like right now. "(Y/N) darling." Soomin's mother grabbed you and led you over to her table. She wanted you to say hello to the rest of her family.

"You look more beautiful every time I see you." Her grandmother said.

"Thank you ma'am." You bowed.

"I made my special dip, go try it." She insisted.

"I already know it's great, ma'am, I really need to get-" You started.

"But I change something, go on try."

"Okay." You smiled but once you turned around to walk over to the picnic table you mentally groaned. You wanted to get out of here before Youngjae spots you.

"Hey." Speak of the devil.

You looked up and shivered once you saw him. "Oh, hi."

You looked down at the dip and grabbed a piece of bread. You looked at the sweet older ladies to see them still staring at you. You scooped the dip and placed it on your bread and ate it quickly as Youngjae watched in amusement. You forced a smile towards the ladies as you swallowed the terrible dip.

Luckily they went back to their business and you quickly grabbed a drink to wash down the taste. "What is that all about?" He laughed.

Oh his laugh. It was too adorable. Stop!

"Oh um...." You were getting tongue tied. "That's Soomins mother and grandmother, they have been making this dip for years and it's not very good." You made a face of disgust.

He laughed once again. "So how have you been?" He asked sweetly.

"I'm good, I see you and what's her name are really hitting it off." He arched his eyebrows. "I mean you're cute together."

He pursed his lips. "Thank you. Where's your boyfriend?"

"He's working." You lied.

"Don't you both work at the school? Its the weekend." He asked. How did he even know?

"He needs to catch up on some paperwork."

"Okay." He started to walk away. "By the way, you look really good."

He walked off and you couldn't help but blush. Why. Why did he have to say that.

"Hey you." Chanlee greeted. Remember when you said he was your friend now. He was and the best one you could ever ask for. You told him everything. Even about being in love with Youngjae and he was so sweet and kind to you about it.

"Hey." He sat down at the teachers table with you.

"You Okay?"

"Yeah, I have a lot of papers to grade, I want to go back to being a student teacher."

"You've been an official teacher for almost a year now." He laughed.

"I know, but it's hard and the kids are assholes."

"2nd graders are assholes? You want my fourth graders?" He raised his eyebrows. "What is wrong....for real? I know it's not school."

"Have you talked to Youngjae yet?" He continued.

"No, I can't."

"Because you've been avoiding him."

"Its not just that, I saw him at the picnic, he looked so happy with that girl, I'm too late."

"So you're gonna give up?" He questioned.

"Why is everyone fighting me? It's over." You said.

"But you're in love, at least tell him how you feel." Chanlee said.

You wanted to tell him but you were scared. Youngjaes opinion was important to you.

From Youngjae to Jongguk: 12:13pm I'm here

From Jongguk to Youngjae: 12:14pm I'm running a little late, come on up.

Youngjae was nervous about going up. It's been a week since he saw you that day at the park and he couldn't stop thinking about you. He felt depressed, since you left his life.

Youngjae walked up to the apartment slowly and knocked on the door. He felt relieved that Yongguk answered the door.

"Hey Youngjae, sorry I just got out of the shower." He looked at him with guilt.

Youngjae looked around the corner at your door. "Where's Soomin?" Youngjae asked.

"Shes out with (Y/N)."

He didn't speak a word. He just looked around. "(Y/N) seems happy, with Chanlee I mean."

"Chanlee? She broke up with him weeks ago."

What? Youngjae thought.

He was only talking to you about him a week ago. Did she lie? Why would she lie?

You took your time getting out of work. You wanted to bring your work home with you at first but you knew it wouldn't get done. You decided to stay a little longer and finish it and eventually went home. It was almost 7 once you got home. You noticed a small note on the fridge, pulling your attention.

'(Y/N), I will be staying with Yongguk tonight, don't wait up. - Soomin.

You felt like you need to take a nice warm bath and just remax. It was Friday so you really wanted to enjoy your few days off. You made your way to your room and turned the light on. You jumped from the sudden surprise sitting on your bed.

"What are you doing here?" You felt chills from the old memory.

"I need to talk to you."

"We never just talk." You raised an eyebrow.

He just stared up at you and stood up. "Why did you lie to me?"

"About What?" Your lip trembled. He knew.

"About being with Chanlee."

"What do you mean?" You played dumb.

"You broke up with him weeks ago?" Youngjae tried to get the truth out of you.

"It wasn't weeks ago." Youngjae raised his eyebrows at your response. "So what, we just didn't click."

"How come?"

"None of your business. Why are you here?" You asked more angry.

"I needed to talk to you."

"Did your girlfriend stop having sex with you or something?"

"That's not why-"

"I told you I'm not doing that anymore." You interrupted him. "Look I had a long day."

"You got it all wrong." He said angry.

"Then what do you need to talk about?"

"I want you, okay." You were taken back by his confession.

"Did you talk to Soomin?" You asked.

"What? No." He said confused.

"Do you feel bad for me? Or?" You were on the verge of tears.

"No-I-" He tried to calm you down. "I'm in love with you (Y/N)."

You looked at him in shock but then quickly turned to anger. "You don't even know what love is Youngjae."

"What's wrong?" He stopped you from leaving the room.

"You don't love me. So just go home back to your girlfriend and forget we ever happened."

"What can I do for you to believe me?" He looked at you hurt, causing you to feel confused.

"That's the problem Youngjae, I did believe you.....the first time and you broke my heart."

"(Y/N) that was years ago, I'm different now." He begged.

"I'm sorry, but that's a risk I can't take." You knew you wanted him. That was clear but you were too damaged. You lost his trust and you couldn't go through this again.

He looked down disappointed. "Ok." He left once again as hurt as you.

~one week later~

You were sitting in your office as the kids just went out to enjoy their recess. You were suppose to grade homework but your mind was somewhere else. You couldn't even pay attention to the knock on the door at first. You got up wondering who it could be since it was free time.

You lost your words, seeing the unexpected visitor. "Youngjae, what, how-"

"I'm sorry I just wanted to give you something before I leave." What? Leave? Where?

"I'm sorry, I'm probably the last person you want to see, but I don't know what to do with this, so I figured I give it to you anyway." He handed you a small box. You could tell how emotionless he was.

You didn't open the box yet. You were still processing on him leaving. "Where are you going?"

"I'm gonna live with Daehyun for a little bit and eventually move into my own place over there."

"But Daehyun lives over an hour away."

"I know." He pursed his lips. "This place hasn't been very good for me." He awkwardly rocked back and fourth with his hands in his pockets.

"But what about your girlfriend?" You had to ask.

He sighed and looked away from you. "I ended that the night of the picnic."

What? That was 2 weeks ago.

"You can sell it if you want, I bought it a long time ago, so I don't have the receipt anymore. To be honest I threw it out the day I got it." He said as he had one foot out the door. You started to open the box. "I'll see you around alright."

As your eyes were mesmerized at the beautiful item held in front of you, Youngjae was already gone.

It was the charm bracelet you were saving up to get once apon a time, back when you two were first dating. He must of bought it for you before the break up. He had it, all this time? Why?

"Youngjae-" You looked up and finally noticed he was gone. No. You couldn't lose him, not now. You ran out your room and down the hall. He was no where in sight. What have you done?

You tried calling him several times but his phone went straight to voice mail.

The worst part was you couldn't just leave work. You couldn't even make it through the rest of your shift. Your mind was eager and the kids noticed. You just gave them the rest of the day off since you weren't in a state to teach at the moment. You felt non stop adrenaline until that bell rang. You were out the door before the kids even.

You went to his apartment real quick and you grew more impatient as the person at the door wasn't him. "Where's Youngjae?" You asked.

"He went to the train station?" Himchan looked at you confused because it seemed obvious to everyone he was leaving.

You couldn't believe this was happening. He was right there confessing his heart out to you and your stupidity ruined everything. You just believed that he couldn't possibly love you.

You looked over the room as there was people everywhere, either purchasing their tickets or waiting in line to get to their train. How can you find him in all of this?

You knew what train he was going to that was it. You didn't even know what time his train was. For all you knew his could of left hours ago. You basically pushed through the crowd and managed to sneak past the guards as some of them were distracted.

Since you didn't have a ticket, you had to jump the small gate to get past. You glanced down the long tunnel seeing all the different trains lined up and people aboarding. Then you glanced at the familiar boy, you were in love with. He was getting on a train with a suitcase in his hand.

"Youngjae!" You shouted as loud as you could and getting tons of attention except the one you wanted. You ran towards his open train but as soon as you got close you heard the doors closing and the engine in motion. You saw Youngjae walking down the aisle and double glance out the window.

He looked at you with confusion and went towards the window opening it.

"(Y/N)?"

"I'm in love with you." You had to shout since the engines were louder then you.

His mouth hung open, not being able to speak.

"I'm sorry for what I said, it was stupid and ignorant and I take it all back." Everyone was staring at you now and you never felt more embarrassed.

You could tell he was having trouble hearing you as clear as he wanted.

"Stay there." He said and grabbed his things. But before he could leave the train started moving and he was too late to get off. You stared in agony watching him get farther away.

You looked down letting your tears fall. You were just lucky you got to tell him before he really left. Unless he couldn't hear you. You walked back outside of the station and just collapsed on the bench. You weren't even sure how long you were sitting there. Felt like hours.

As you got up, getting ready go leave, you heard running. You turned around as soon as you heard your name.

You saw Youngjae clearly out of breath and wearing a big smile. He dropped his bag and walked up closer to you. "What did you say?"

"I love you." Your lip trembled and you felt more tears stream down your face. He came over to you quickly and slammed his lips into yours. Cliche as it was, it felt like the world stopped and you were the only people there. He pulled away shortly from being out of breath.

"I knew it." He smirked. You were just glad he didn't lose his cocky attitude. But you didn't even care, he tilted your head up gently, and you couldn't stop smiling as the man you love was wiping your tears away.

"I'm sorry." Your voice cracked.

"For what?" He asked at your sudden sadness.

"I should have told you months ago."

"I was the one who was an asshole." He looked down.

"No, you weren't, you poured your heart out and I just blew it off....because I was scared." You closed your eyes as they became more watery.

"I was the one that left first, you were right." He wiped your tears again. "But losing you made me realize how much I was really in love with you."

He smiled at you passionately before leaning down and kissing you once again. As the kiss got deeper, you felt yourself getting further away from reality. Almost like you were in a dream.

He pulled away but continued to lean his forehead against yours, just thinking. "You want to go get something to eat?"

You nodded and he quickly grabbed his bag and held your hand as you both walked back to your car.

....

"Are you still going to live with Daehyun?" You asked afraid of what the answer was.

"Well, I paid off the last of my rent so I can't go back there."

"You can live with me." You perked up causing him to smile at your cuteness.

"Okay."

"Maybe we should find a place together?" You said as you filled your mouth with the rest of your pancakes.

"You want to live together, like permanently?" He asked stunned.

You just shrugged and he smiled once again. "What about Soomin?"

"Maybe her and Yongguk should live together. They've been dating long enough anyway." You suggested.

He reached his hand across the table and held yours tightly. "That's a great idea....but for now....I'll be by your side."

"And tell Daehyun to move his ass over here....I haven't seen him in so long."

"Yeah."

.....

"Do you just want to spend the night in a hotel? It's pretty late."

You nodded and drove to the nearest hotel. It was pretty old and dingy but whatever, as long as it had a nice warm bed. It was pouring out so that automatically made the air colder.

Once you got to the room, you took off your wet jacket and turned around to Youngjae taking off all his clothes. You arched your eyebrows in confusion.

He blushed. "I'm cold." He pulled out a sweatshirt and sweat pants. After he got dressed more comfortably, he pulled out a crew neck and handed it to you.

You smiled and started stripping off your own wet clothes. You turned around and removed your bra and quickly slipped the fabric over your head. You removed your skirt last as the warm fabric was covering most of your body.

"You don't need to act all shy, I've seen you naked before." He said as he grabbed the remote. He was right and you didn't know why things felt so different. Not in a bad way, it was just like starting over, with a new slate.

You sat down on the bed next to him shyly. You honestly couldn't help it. "When did you buy that charm bracelet?"

"I bought it for our 1 year anniversary."

"But we were only together for 8 months." You questioned.

"I bought it a few months before we broke up." He pursed his lips.

"Why did you keep it? You felt unhappy in our relationship, why did you keep it for all these years?"

"Because even though we broke up and I've dated other girls after, I never stopped thinking about you....I didn't know what it meant at first but something was telling me to hold on to it, like I couldn't lose the little detail I had of you....just thinking how much you loved that stupid braclet used to make me laugh."

You leaned your head on his should laughing. "Maybe you should hold onto it again and give it to me on our real anniversary, If we make it."

"Nah, I'll give you something even better." He looked at you sweetly.

"Let me guess, a picture of you....naked."

"How did you know." He said sarcastically and leaned forward to kiss you. You smiled into the kiss and leaned backwards until you eventually felt the bed rubbing against your back.

He moved you back farther so your head could rest gently on the pillows. He slithered his hand up his crew neck that you were wearing. His hand found its way to your chest that he had more access to since you removed your bra eariler.

You couldn't help your wandering hands snake it's way inside his sweatpants, rubbing him outside of his briefs.

He moved his lips off yours and moved them down your neck leaving wet trails all along your body. He was sucking your neck and you knew he was leaving marks.

"Did you forget I'm a school teacher?" You smiled.

He looked at you with realization. "I'll have to find somewhere that won't be exposed."

You felt butterflies from his choice of words and watched him move away from your body. He sat up and started to remove your underwear. He leaned down kissing up your thigh until he got to your most wanted area.

You felt so sensitive at this point since the last time you had been touched was with Youngjae and that was over 2 months ago. You couldn't with Chanlee, all you ever did with was kiss because you felt too guilty.

"I thought I taught you not to tense up?" He laughed taking a short break.

"I'm sorry." You tried to relax.

He continued swirling his tongue all along your very sensitive area. You couldn't even contain your moans at this point. Your hands waved through his hair as he caused so much friction.

You clenched up toward his mouth as you felt your organism washing through. He got up satisfied as he looked down on you being a hot mess. You sat up yourself being eye height to his waist. You bit your lip and looked up to him using his sweater to wipe his mouth. You grabbed the waist line to his sweatpants and started to tug down.

He stopped what he was doing and looked down at you. "We can skip-"

You grabbed his member out of his briefs and immediate started working your mouth against him. You gave him no warning, which gave him the reaction you wanted. Weakness.

He struggled against you only after a few seconds and leaned you away and hovered over you. He wasn't patient as he guided himself inside you. He left out weak moan once he filled the tight space. You had to constantly bite your lip to not scream out in pain as he thrusted against you in a rough manor.

It was like he was holding all his sexual frustration you weren't able to give him for the past few months and just released them all at once. He leaned down and pushed the crew neck up to have access to your chest. He started sucking on your left side giving you more ecstasy.

Your adrenaline was kicking in, turning you both over so you could be more dominant. Your fingers combed through your messy hair as you rocked against him quickly. He held your hips helping you control your motions.

At first you almost felt embarrassed since the bed was so squeaky and could probably be heard throughout the whole hotel, but you could feel your stomach turn in excitement and you couldn't hold back now.

"(Y/N) I'm gonna-"

"You can't not yet." You said out of breath. You had no form of protection because of your needy selves and you didn't want to risk anything, not so soon.

You cried out as you finally released feeling weak. You got up slightly just to release him and grabbed him and helped him find his release as well. He pushed his sweater up to avoid a mess as you worked your fingers against him. He leaned his head back weakly as he finally climaxed. You felt butterflies all over again just watching him. You leaned down cleaning up the mess.

"You're amazing." He panted.

"You mean I'm finally good?" You teased.

He couldnt speak so he gave you a nod instead.

When things became settled down, you both were cuddled under the blanket, trying to get warm once again. You turned around and saw Youngjae was already sleeping. It was cute seeing how tired he was. You squeezed into his chest and let yourself fall asleep as well. You still couldn't stop smiling as things finally went the way you wanted.

Youngjae was all yours and you couldn't be happier. The next thing was to finally have a normal life with him as a couple and you were happy living together was the first step.

#bap scenarios #bap fanfic #bap smut #bap imagines #bap one shot #yoo youngjae scenarios #yoo youngjae imagines #yoo youngjae smut #yoo youngjae one shot

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chxronica · 6 years ago

Text

Weeds are flowers too (once you get to know them) - 6

Word count:

Summary: PRIDE PRIDE PRIIIIIIDDDEEEE

a/n : dont attack me just be happy i got off my ass and wrote the chapter okay,,, also i feel like there isnt a lot of dialogue in this chapte but when there is its important

i || ii || iii || iv || v || ao3

After a silent car ride that felt like it had taken forever the quirky group of girls finally arrived at their first destination of the day, McDonalds. Originally this was nowhere near in the plan for pride, but neither was being hungover or the fact that Toni and Cheryl had a moment when they were making pancakes. Actually none of their plans had even accounted for Toni being there first thing in the morning because they weren’t actually supposed to get drunk the night before.

They made their way into the, unsurprisingly, busy fast food chain. All the noise was only making the two girl’s migraines worse, but they would be damned if they missed this day. What was fun without a little bit of pain anyway. It wasn’t going to kill them to be proud of their sexualities, or in Cheryl’s case just “supporting her friends”, just their heads. But the other two girls were as happy as they could be, holding hand and talking about something or the other.

Even though the restaurant was busy there still wasn’t much of a wait because of where they were. It only took a few minutes before they were situating themselves in one of the booths and waiting for their number to be called. On the way there was a lot of advils that were taken so the headaches that were there before were slowly starting to go away. This meant that they were able to actually hold a conversation for a moment.

Shortly after the first sentence had left one of the girl’s mouth their food was being called. For some reason both Cheryl found herself going up with Toni to collect the shitty food mumbling something or the other about the tattoo artist not getting enough syrup.

They both walk in completely awkward silence as they head to the tray and back to the table. Setting the pancakes on the table the two younger girls wasted no time digging into the pancakes they had. With a roll of her caramel eyes at their grubbiness, Cheryl turned to give Toni a look. But that’s when she realized how awkward things were between them as the brunette looked in a different direction.

With a deep sigh, the florist ran a hand through her curly, red hair before taking a seat in the booth. Toni followed after and God, were these booths always so small? Their thighs are basically touching as the tattoo artist rummage through the debri for the food that was actually there’s. She finds it with a small, cute “aha” before handing Cheryl her’s.

“Didn’t anyone teach you how to eat, Danielle?” The redhead scolded the girl that was like a little sister to her, even going as far as to give her a glare. For the most part, she had gotten away from her rich roots, but there was still little parts of it that shown through with the money. It wasn’t like she was living a rich lifestyle or anything, but she was. There was actually a bit of surprise on her part when Toni didn’t seem that interested in it.

Once the words had registered with the table of girls, the youngest girl only rolls her eyes and throws an unused butter at the redhead. Cheryl only gasps before throwing it back at her, and before they know it the others had joined in. Unused packets were thrown back and forth an group of laughing people.

All their fun had to stop though, after they nailed some grouchy person in the back with one of the sauce packers, which prompted the old man to turn around an lecture the four girls. Once he decided that he had enough of lecturing them he brought his attention back to whatever he was eating and all of them burst out laughing. It wasn’t the most respectful thing to do but it was also ridiculously funny to them all.

After that they fell into a comfortable conversation as they finished their food in no rush. The event didn’t actually start for a while so they had some times, although a lot of people had already begin to start the parade early. Still no one actually wanted to rush into the event, no matter how excited the two younger girls were for their first pride, so that meant that could take all the time they wanted on eating and getting over hangovers.

Eventually they all finished and made their way over to the actual event, Dani and he girlfriend skipping was ahead of the two older girls. But that was okay because they had already talked about what would happen if one of them got lost or kidnapped. So they weren’t entirely worried for the two teenagers, they had proven to Cheryl they could fend for themselves many times in the past.

That left the tattoo artist and the florist walking next to each other in what Cheryl hoped was a comfortable silence. Yeah, this was a comfortable for sure. Was it? No, it was. There was no reason why it would be awkward, right? Well besides the fact that they almost kissed while making pancakes that morning but that didn’t mean anything. That wouldn’t make anything awkward because friend almost kissed all the time. Yeah, that made some kind of sense.

It was like Toni could sense the internal panic that was happening in the redhead’s head because she slipped her hand into hers and gave her a soft smile. That was probably supposed to calm her down but that only seemed to make her more nervous. And oh god was her hand sweating? Was she getting hand sweat all over the other girls hand. What if she didn’t like that and they never held hands again, because Cheryl couldn’t control her hand sweat!

“Relax, flower girl, I know it’s a lot of rainbows for a straight person to take it but we can ease you into it slowly.” There’s a teasing tone in Toni’s words that makes her relax a little bit, the hand squeeze that was sent her way also helped her calm down a little bit. Something about the pinknette had an aura to her that pulled Cheryl in but also terrified her while simultaneously making her nervous and calm. It was the most confused the redhead had been in a while.

Without actually thinking about it the florist tugged her new found friend closer to her body, blushing lightly as she did. They both had their eyes one Dani up ahead so it was more leisure than fun for the two girls who were watching them. Not that they weren’t having fun, but there also a sense of responsibility to it.

“It’s not the rainbows I just think I’m gay. Maybe. Possibly. I think. I think that I’m gay. Yeah. No maybes, just, I think that I’m gay.�� She was rambled nervously because she wasn’t sure, even if a part of her had known it for her whole life she was just now coming the realization. Her free hands run through her red curls the nerves getting to her. She had no idea what Toni would say to that but at least she knew that is wasn’t going to be mean.

Actually it was far from mean. It started off in a light teasing tone but it wasn’t mean because it was coming to the tattooed girl to always tease Cheryl and she really liked it. Not in a weird way of course.

The two of them stopped in the middle of the bustling crowd, Toni turning so that her body faced the redhead’s. Reaching out she took her other hand in her’s, rubbing her knuckles softly and giving her a kind look. Years ago, she was in the exact same situation that he new friend was in so the least she could do was help her out with figuring herself out. After all that’s what she had when she started out, well she had her best friends but they had no idea on how they even starting dating each other so they were useless.

“Most straight girls don’t almost kiss their friend after a night of cuddling.” Her tone is light as she teased the redhead, but her expression quickly turned to a more serious expression. “But if you’re gay then that’s great or if bi or pan or queer or maybe just questioning that’s all great because love is important. So it doesn’t matter if you fall in love with a girl or a guy or even a pal, just that you find someone who loves you as much as you love them.”

She paused and looked down at her feet, trying to decide what to say next. The crowd around them seemed to have just disappeared, like in the movies, and it feels like it’s just the two of them in the moment. “So yeah, if you’re gay there are plenty of pretty girls surrounding us if you decide you want to experiment today or not, or even flirt with someone so you can experiment in the future.”

In reality Cheryl was nervous just around one girl that she’s friends with she had no idea what she’d turn into if she was trying to flirt with pretty girls… or even kissing them. The whole time would be filled with panic and yeah, it wouldn’t be good for the redhead at all. Well kissing a girl sounds pretty girl sounds pretty good in the long run, just not right there were Cheryl would probably panic and run away.

Without really thinking for once she pulled her new friend in a tight hug, ignoring the tears that was ruining her makeup but she didn’t care. The last time she had voiced anything about being gay was when she was in middle school and that didn’t end up well for her or the girl she was caught with. After that she completely ignored any feelings for girls that could be considered more than friendly.

“Thank you.” She whispered as she hid her face in the tattoo artists neck with as she attempted to stop crying. This was the first time she actually felt validated for all the way that she felt. For being the way that she was, she didn’t know what that was yes but she had time to figure it out. Ot at least she thinks that she does, it feels like she does but she could be wrong.

After a few minutes of hugging Cheryl pulled away from Toni and wiped at the tears. “I need to put rainbow or something on my face so you can’t tell my mascara is running.” She joked lightly as she wiped away the rest of the tears, giving the tattoo artist a small smile. Lacing their fingers back together she dragged her away from the spot, successfully merging back into the crowd in search of Dani and her girlfriend.

It only took them a few minutes to catch up to the two younger girls and come up with a game plane. Once they had decided on a time and a place to meet they went their separate ways ready to enjoy the parade at its fullest. The two older girls were partnered up and the two younger ones were partners because that only made the most sense. Couples stayed together. Not that Toni and Cheryl were a couple, like a couple of people. Yeah, that’s exactly what it was. Just a couple of people partnering off so the real couple could have fun.

Hours passed in what felt like no time at all. It was getting dark, late, and Cheryl promised that he would have Dani and Riley home by eleven and it was getting extremely close to that time. The tattoo artist and florist, who were now covered in confetti and beads and a lot of other things, made their way over to the meetup spot they had decided on.

When they got there the other two were already there, Dani half asleep on top of her girlfriend. The redhead didn’t really blame them because she spent all day on her feet for work and even she was exhausted. Once Riley spotted them she woke her girlfriend up and walked over to them.

“Hey girls! Have fun?” Cheryl asked them once they were over to them, which only got a tired replies of yes and something else that she couldn’t quite figure out. That’s when they made it clear that they were too tired to have a conversation and just wanted to go home. Which is why Toni’s was leading their way through the lessening crowd and ordering an uber for the group.

Almost all of the car ride was spent in silence as the redhead rested her head on the tattoo artist, her red curls sprawling over her shoulder. The shorter girl didn’t mind as she ran a hand through the curls, humming softly to the music playing on the stereo. Meanwhile the other two girls fought sleep as they got closer and closer to the house they were staying at for the night.

Once Dani and Riley were dropped off the comfortable silence remained, the two of them getting out when they got back to Cheryl’s place. Both of them stood outside of her door, waiting for the other to say something. It was the awkward, flustered redhead that was the first one to speak up. “Thank you for today, I had a lot of fun.”

Pink haired moved as the shorter girl nodded at her words, leaning up to take the stray hair behind the florist’s ear. “You’re very welcome, flower girl.” She replied and gave her a soft look. Something about it made the redhead’s impulse control go out the window as she leaned down and connected their lips, kissing Toni.

Instantly the other girl was kissing back as her arms went up to wrap around Cheryl’s neck, supporting herself a little as she pushed up on the tip of her toes. There was just enough of a height difference for her to need to do that, which would probably get her teased later on. It didn’t take long before the redheads hands were on Toni’s hips as she pulled her together.

The kiss felt like mix of perfection and like it was never going to end, but the redhead was the first one to pull away. A deep blush had taken over her features as she stared at her, quickly disconnecting their bodies from each other. “Yup! Not gay! See you on Monday!” It was definitely the panic talking as she chirped out her words.

With that statement she made her way into her house leavine a stunned Toni staring at the maple wood door in utter confusion.

#choni #riverdale #toni topaz #cheryl blossom #cheryl x toni #choni fic #riverdale fic #fanfic #oc's #mentioned swangs #SHE PANICKED DONT @ ME

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kyloren · 7 years ago

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Mileven post-S2 fanfiction recommendation list: PART VI

To compensate for the long wait, part VI is extra long. For past rec lists please see instalments I, II, III, IV, and V. If your fanfic isn’t featured, apologies. Message me and we’ll amend that grievance in the next rec list instalment.

* marks the ongoing stories.

canon:

chain reaction* by FourthHorse: “Old ghosts come back knocking, and growing up was never meant to be easy.”

what makes you different by cali-chan (girls_are_weird): ““I wish you could see yourself like I see you,” he breathed out almost subconsciously. “Because then… you’d know.””

+ its sequel: we are not alone by cali-chan (girls_are_weird): “And just like that, the library at Hawkins High had become a war room, a strategy session where all the members of the party devised a plan to protect one of their own. Because that’s what friends do.”

i wanna dance with somebody by @eleventhemage (richiewheeler (jormaperalta): “Eleven is popular. And mike feels insecure about it (she gonna chose being popular over him) but she chooses him.”

a year in the life by @jeeno2: “Four times Mike and Eleven don’t kiss and one time they do.”

eleven things* by Socalledfriend: “Eleven returns, but things don’t just go back to the way they were. It’s not clear how she managed to get home, and meanwhile Will’s sickness is only getting worse. Some things never change though, and while she’s back, Mike manages to teach her at least eleven things about the outside world.”

the rules by Strange_Archivist: “Hopper lays down the rules for Mike.”

what’s in a name? by @isaksredscarf (wordsarelifealways): “It’s been about a fortnight, and El wants to share her real name with Mike.”

day 21 by kittenCorrosion: “It’s not the first day, day one, but it’s the first day she hears him. The first day she realises how much he misses her. The first day she remembers just how much she needs him.”

return to me* by AdelaideElaine: “Eleven reappears as suddenly as she left, and although she wants to stay with Joyce Byers, it’s decided that it would be best for all involved if she lives at the Wheeler house. Karen tries to teach her to cook, Mike tries to teach her to dance, and Nancy is charged with the task of trying to teach her how to be a Normal Girl — even if having Jonathan Byers back in her life means that she has less understanding of what that means than ever.”

are you gonna be my girl by cali-chan (girls_are_weird): ““So,” he whispered in her ear, dropping a kiss on her cheek that she leaned into, “what do you say? Do you want to be my girlfriend?””

jane, pt. 1 by EvieSmallwood: “El tells Mike her real name.”

jane, pt. 2 by EvieSmallwood: “Love is a funny old thing.”

time together by JoMo3: “Mike and Eleven have a sleepover.”

+ its sequel: more than like by JoMo3: “Mike and El have the “l word” talk.”

understand by DBSean: “Mike Wheeler and Chief Hopper have a long-overdue discussion about their favourite person.”

christmas with the wheelers by luxuriousvoyage11: “On the first week in December, nerdy stuttering Mike Wheeler had done his routine visit and bashfully invited El and her adoptive father over for Christmas dinner.”

contact by sporadicallyceaseless: “Before, El didn’t know any good people, or things she liked, or touches that didn’t hurt. Things are much different now. Much better.”

safe by DBSean: ““El?” Mike asked, now fully awake, his concern and confusion quickly overriding any remnants of sleep or exhaustion he may have been experiencing. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Eleven nodded, and Mike saw for the first time that there were tears in her eyes. “Not safe.””

11 months by @eddiesghost (thewolfmoon): “Eleven’s gone for 353 days. Mike struggles through each and every one of them.”

like a distant star by someone.else.before: “Now that Mike knows El is alive, he’s not going to let even the scariest police chief in the world get in the way of seeing her again.”

first christmas by Browneyesparker: “Mike and El celebrate Christmas together.”

crying in the rain by DreamersMyth27: ““I miss moments like this more than anything,” Mike sighed. El looked at him curiously and tilted her head to the side slightly.”

the first summer* by Kiddo7: “It’s the gang’s first summer all together, and Mike can’t wait to show El all that it has to offer.”

sugar cookies & snow days by Browneyesparker: “Mike and El have a snow day, and bake some sugar cookies together.”

the first outing by pathvain_aelien: “Eleven goes bowling.”

+ actually pathvain_aelien has a lot of interesting stories that you should check out.

perfect summer day by AR357: “It was a sunny summer day in 1984. Mike had been looking forward to this day for a while. With each breath of crisp summer air, he felt more and more invigorated. With each hill he crested, he felt his heart thumping away. But then again, maybe he was just thinking about what the day’s events would hold.”

things you said* by Brown Eyes Parker: “a collection of one-shots revolving around Mike & Eleven and things they say to each other.”

things you said, alternate stories* by Brown Eyes Parker: “Original and alternate or continuations of stories in my “things you said” series.”

cold, helpless, fragile as glass when i shatter, i will find you* by janeelevenives83: “Mike and El Wheeler had never expected their life to be normal. One little stick at 4am on the bathroom floor changes that. But when old ‘friends’ come back to play, they leave with not only their ultimate goal, but a piece of Eleven that leaves a gnawing hole in her. And Mike won’t stand for it…”

raspberry breeze by urdearestmom: “Sometimes she stays up with him, and she calls him ridiculous. How don't you fall over when you get up in the morning? She asks. Pfft, I don’t need sleep! Who do you think I am? He says, but then he smiles and her heart melts, she’s never been able to be angry at this boy for more than a few minutes.”

alternative universe:

lost in translation* by cosmilk: “For a whole year, the Wheelers are going to live with a foreign exchange student. Little does Mike know he’s going to get pretty attached to this girl.” foreign-exchange-student!El AU.

(all i wanna be is) somebody to you* by sinclairsmax: “Elle Hopper never thought that she’d win American Idol. Then again, she also never thought Mike Wheeler would fall in love with her. Behind the cameras, everything is turned upside down.” YouTubers AU. [I AM FREAKING OUT. I AM FREAKING OUT.]

inked mesmerisms* by apathetical: “Twelve year old Mike Wheeler isn’t sure what to make of things when the numbers ‘011’ suddenly appear upon his wrist one day.” Soulmate AU.

infinite, undying* by @eleventhemage richiewheeler (jormaperalta): “When Hawkins Lab and Department of Energy officially decided to merge, it was discovered both factions had been experimenting on children in order to create super spies. 011, a tekekinetic, was from the Hawkins Lab side. “Mike,” a fire manipulator, was from the DoE side.” Mike is also an experiment AU.

mixtape* by @elevenseggoobsession (frankiethebard): “Mike & Jane hook up at a party, then discover their parents are engaged to be married. Can they put their attraction aside, or will it be too strong to ignore?” High School AU.

greyscale by @trash-the-tozier (littleboxesofstars): “Soulmates are what make the world vibrant, colors getting brighter and brighter the closer a pair of souls get to one another. In usual cases, the world starts off black and white and changes as a person travels, but for Mike, colors have always been there. Faint, but there, and that doesn’t change until the night his friend Will goes missing.” Soulmate AU.

you ain’t nobody until you got somebody* by lovelysarcastic: “What if soulmates aren’t good for us? What if that so-called soulmate, the one that supposedly is so good for you, instead of loving you right, destroys you?” Soulmate AU.

no remedy for memory by runawayrunt: “At 23, Mike Wheeler is going for broke. Having quit college on his sophomore year, he traded the diploma for the dream. At 18, Jane “Eleven” Hopper is ready to leave her entire life behind. She took a bus ride from Sacramento to Los Angeles on a hot day. The chorus of the cicadas sounded off like a farewell hymn.”

all sorts of far away* by BinarySunrise: “Eleanor Hopper is a quiet, pretty cheerleader with more than a few mysteries in her past. Mike is a nerd with a secret crush on her. She has more walls in place than the popular crowd cares to tear down, and he’s more than a little paranoid about reaching out to girls like her, but fate still finds its ways of pushing them together.”

reality in motion* by AkaiaOwl: “It hurt her to listen to the ruthless voice in her head, but, as much as she hated to admit it, El knew it was probably right. It had happened countless times before. Well, actually two. Two times in which El found herself feeling funny and giddy and hopeful about someone, only to be disappointed. It always ended that way. She was destined to be alone and it was probably for the best.” College AU.

things change* by untiltheyfindtheperfectgirl: “Two years have passed since Eleven went missing. A distraught Mike has pulled away from the party and made friends with his middle school bullies. What happens when one day in sophomore year a mysterious character from his past resurfaces?”

karma by reddieforlove: “Mike didn’t fully understand the meaning of instant karma until a small hand came out of nowhere and whacked him in the face with enough force to blind him for several moments.” College AU.

all for one* by PaladinofFarore: “1985 was going to be a wild school year.” Time Travel AU.

blind date by reddieforlove: “Mike is a waiter. Eleven is on a terrible date.”

crossover:

a happy thought by midas_touch_of_angst: “The Party tries to summon their Patronuses. El seems to be having the hardest time.” Hogwarts AU.

+ bonus: wherein The Party is featured prominently once again:

a different kind of monster by @bananannabeth: “Billy Hargrove seems to have a habit of getting Karen to answer the door in nothing but a robe. Unfortunately for him, she’s noticed that he also seems to have a habit of beating his step-sister.”

love (and other weird things) by cali-chan (girls_are_weird): “The Wheelers travel to New York to spend Thanksgiving 1987 with Nancy, and Mike is having trouble going two days without speaking to his girlfriend.”

a gift for mike by PureShores: “Lucas, Dustin and Will come up with the perfect Christmas gift idea for Mike. But giving it to him might be a little more complicated.”

raising peter rabbit by @paradiamond: “After the Gate closes, Jim and El kick off their better start.”

the wild youth (reckless) by dumbledore_93: ““He looks really bad,” Dustin croaks. “There’s a lot of blood.” Mike steps over cautiously. There is a lot of blood.”

kids these days by apollos: “Between fighting monsters and catching her little brother doing that with his girlfriend, Nancy would rather have the monsters.”

and then there was one by @timetravl (dustingspace): “In which Dustin is the last remaining party member to believe in Santa Claus; and the rest of the party has to debate over whether or not to tell him the truth.”

you’re not alone* by Playfulelectrode: “This is right after El closes the Gate. We start with Mike, and what it’s like while he waits for Hopper to come back with El. There will be an exploration into the world as El tries to not only figure out where she belongs, but also who she is.”

after the gate closed* by insomniacwriter17: “Jonathan doesn’t know how to deal with all the people staying in his house after the events of the night. Luckily, he’s not the only one.”

finally (i don’t care about tradition) @eleventhemage richiewheeler (jormaperalta): “I don’t care about tradition, you try and get me to kiss you under the mistletoe and I will punch you.”

you are in love* by @upsidedownpromises (rainingcatsandkisses): “Little moments that make Eleven realise that she’s in love.”

sometimes a family is* by merrymegtargaryen: “Just some domestic fluff with only the vaguest inclination of a plot.”

someone to turn to by Val-Creative: “El finds meaning in her new identity and home and a relatively peaceful existence. When things don’t go the way they should, she’s grateful for Mike sticking with her. Max attempts to befriend her one last time, for the sake of their friends and themselves.”

a girl is the strongest thing you can be by @timetravl (dustingspace): “She thinks about the Demogorgon and the MindFlayer and part of her wonders if she’s the same girl now that she was when she defeated them. People don’t treat her like she is.”

the importance of thinking happy thoughts by selkieskin: “Eleven didn’t want to be angry any more. So when she was alone in the cabin during the day and she tried to use her powers using an emotion other than anger, she just kept on thinking of how much attention Mike was paying to Will, not her, and anger kept welling up anyway.”

i’m gross? by untiltheyfindtheperfectgirl: “An unexpectedly eventful snow day...”

so i could kill them for you by valancysnaith: “Max deserves so much better. The party is there for her.” [this one is…odd, to say the least.]

time’s just holding me down (i’ll tear up this town) by jormaperalta: “The Snow Ball is this weekend, and the Demogorgon is back. Thankfully, so is Eleven.”

an even stranger connection by untiltheyfindtheperfectgirl: “Mike looked down at Eleven, his eyes wide. Was he really hearing Eleven in his head?”

P.S. I’m trying out a thing where I tag the author’s tumblrs if I find them. With that in mind, if anyone knows the authors I featured in previous instalments, would you please tag them. Thanks. 🌸

#mileven #mileven fanfiction #mileven fanfiction recommendation list #mileven fanfiction recommendation #character: mike wheeler #character: eleven #pairing: mike x eleven #ship: you made a slow disaster out of me #tv: stranger things #fanfiction recommendations #in this tag resides fanfiction #♔: victrix #*

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srlkiller · 3 years ago

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today was a lot. i had a 1on1 therapy thing that was supposed to be like an INTRO TO UR RECOVERY WOO!!! LETS GET UR MENTAL HEALTH IN CONTROL!!! But instead it turned into me having 4 panic attacks constantly crying while venting to a social worker in a room w no air con for 2 hours about ‘how my month has been’ and ‘why i haven’t been attending any of my group therapy?’ well sue sweetie.. u asked me…n boy did i give u the answer ur career as a social worker has been WAITING 4!! then i got my 1st covid shot & briefly spoke to my doctor who was rude asf so i was like ok today fucked. Centrelink also called me and told me wrong info which fucked me over. then i see my dad calling and im like OFC HE IS!!massive fight as per n he hangs up but then continues via text bc hes petty asf.

BUT not as petty as my mom bc that is literally how the fight started. bc of her. like this bitch omg. she purposely runs off to my dad and tells him every little thing i do ‘wrong’ bc she knows his temper and how afraid i am of him due to past events so she uses him to basically do her dirty work for her n ‘scare me’. like that’s how manipulative and fucked up she is in the head. she made up a whole ass lie and told my dad that i said to my mom the only reason i was trying to stay in contact with my dad was so that i remain in his will as like the sole beneficiary or whatever….. how sick and twisted must you be to lie to someone directly in their face about something so serious INVOLVING UR OWN CHILD that you share with that person????? i would NEVER! say that about my dad. EVER. this happened months ago btw. as soon as i spoke about it w my dad and i was like “what.. dad i would never say that you know i don’t give a fuck about money like that i don’t care about your will why would i even be thinking about your will?” he was like wait actually that’s fucked up ur right. It was actually HER who made that comment. she got my dad to go and fix fencing at my nans house for free (using him) n my dad mentioned he had a girlfriend. my mum came home & SAID TO ME “u better hurry up and get in ur dads good books now that he has a gf.. before she gets a hold of his will and u end up w nothing” and i simply told her that my dad would never take me off his will regardless so why say that to me. once she got exposed she backtracked and was like “oh it was just a joke” & both my dad and I were both saying that even as a joke how is that funny? how does your mind even start to think in that way? how is this funny to you? then she flips it. her scripts are so repetitive now that ive caught on that i can actually predict what she’s gonna say before she opens her mouth. she manipulates u into thinking ur reality isn’t correct.. saying things like “ omg ur over reacting lol ur so dramatic no wonder no one takes u seriously in life, grow up, i have no idea what ur going on about, have u taken ur medication for the day, have u lost it, are u high on something?” like what in the fuck?

i never once mentioned anything about anyones will.. when i was younger i made the mistake obviously of telling her that my dad was leaving me his house. when my nans will was getting exposed she became overly obsessed w wills in general and changed hers. im guessing behind my back she has actually taken me off now but i don’t want her dirty ass money which is stolen from my accounts anyway. my nan left all her grandchildren a large sum of money that was supposed to be equally split among us, its now been over a year since my nan passed & i noticed a group text come up on my moms phone from her sisters talking about what they did for their children with that money. one of them paid off their entire hex debt so it must be a substantial amount. i have not seen a cent which means she has taken it for herself, put it in her name and placed it into a secret account without my knowledge. if it’s as much $ as i believe it is, this could seriously help me move out and better my situation which she constantly tells me she wants me to get the fuck out ect. yet you are holding the key to the door in ur hand? that’s twisted and very sick. they fought for a year over my nans money and all i asked for was an old XXXX gold stubby holder that was my grandads bc it was very sentimental to me. instead, they chose to have a garage sale and sold all of my nans things and sold that stubby holder to a random person for 20 cents………. i was in shock when i found out.. and they laughed and were like get over it omg it’s just a stubby holder you can just buy another one. these people are so fucked up but they all made me feel like i was losing my mind my whole life. money isn’t shit without sentiment. i could have given you 20 cents if you need that shit so bad. im only attached partially to these evil ass roaches by some genetics but to me none of them are my family. not once have i ever felt cared for, loved, accepted, safe or happy in their presence. i am only ever wanted when they can gain something from me. that is not family. my grandad was big on family n my nan and my grandad are the only two people i claim as family from my moms side. my nans two blind siblings who i admired & adored + a few of my grandads siblings were the only ones who actually showed interest in getting to know me & didn’t look down on me in any way. i was never considered ‘less than’ or not good enough yet i was the family disappointment to my mom and her sisters. but they have never seen her like i see her. the way she acts in front of family is not the person i know. she’s very good at acting. the way she pretends to be a ‘mother’ in front of her own family is actually scary. she’s like the ultimate con artist except she’s too fucking dumb to actually scam people and get rich off of her ability to manipulate whoever she wants. what a shame ur not intelligent.. that sure must suck huh. my nan gave me that maternal love i never had from my mother and my grandad was always that man who held us all together as a unit. when he got sick everything changed and started to go down hill. they had to give up their entire property, his big beautiful garden and vegetables he was really passionate about, the horses and land ect. my nan planted a rose bush and it grew big and blossomed big red roses and she said this is for you, my little rachel rose 🌹 🥺 she said she wanted to take the whole ass bush w her and replant it 😂 but my grandad was like we are not taking a fucking huge ass rose bush w thorns in the car w us Gloria.. i only remembered this today during that therapy session and i hyperventilated so bad n just started crying.. bc i couldn’t believe my brain had blocked that memory for so long just to recover it now that she’s no longer here to share it with.

i can feel the love my dad has for me even when he’s temperamental.. you can see it in his face and his eyes. when i look at my mom i try desperately to find some sort of just fucking anything and… i see nothing. i can tell that she doesn’t feel anything. but she does for other children. just not me. so i know she isn’t a heartless bitch and is capable of emotions of all sorts.. but anything to do with me it’s almost like im invisible or she cannot see fault in her self. she cannot in any way accept anything she has ever done, she has never said the words ‘I’m sorry’ for anything ever in life involving me, she has stood by (literally stood and watched) while her own sisters verbally abused me as a minor calling me out my name AND one even texted my best friend at the time who was about 14 saying that i was a bitch. meaning my mom gave my aunt my friends number to text that message.. my friends mom was livid about this bc what grown ass woman texts a random 14 year old girl paragraphs of shit like that swearing at them and saying that their friend is a rude ungrateful bitch. her mom reacted as a mother should. as i would love my mother to stick up for me just once in life.. u kno.. ever? i still remember my first SUI attempt at like 16 after being abused and this person told me they were leaving and coming back so i had about a 10 min window of time and i panicked as any 16 young girl home alone would.. i called my mom for help bc ur parents are supposed to protect you. her wording was “well what did u do to make him hit you?” “you know that you deserved that”. i was in disbelief that she would react like that.. she was talking so calmly while i was crying hysterically having a panic attack telling her this man was coming back in 10 mins asking her to please help me.. and all she could say was.. “you probably deserved it”. ive never been the same since then tbh. im not blessed enough to be a parent yet, i may never be.. but i know for a fucking FACT that i would NEVER say any of the shit that she says to me to ANY child let alone MY OWN?!?

you had me at 36 years old. you had time to think about this and evaluate whether you thought you would be able to care for a child and make a good parent. If you “didn’t want to deal with me” then you had other options.. you could have sent me to foster care, you could have adopted me out, you could aborted me, shidddd you could have mf swallowed me bitch let’s be real. no, you chose to have a child. there’s no 18 year contract.. she loves to play that card. “UR AN ADULT NOW”, what about me makes me an adult, my age makes me an adult to you? yet you’ve kept me so childlike, so codependent & haven’t taught me basic life skills despite me asking to learn. like im deadass watching YouTube videos to teach myself basic ass life skills… that is sad as fuck. when im 48… guess what??? i am still your child and unfortunately for me!! you are STILL my parent. there’s no changing that bc you made that choice. you can’t just b like yeah i change my mind nvm i want to return it…… like that is really her attitude. i was born with a lot of health issues that have escalated a lot and only continue to get worse with age both mental and physical. guess what tho… if ur child is born with defects u don’t get to just b like omg ew i don’t want it now this one’s too difficult. like trust me.. if i was one of those lil sperm rn i am not about to fertilise u for NOTHING if this is the consequence I’d rather jus keep on swimming lmao.

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mechanicallyrecoveredmeat · 5 years ago

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This is a rambling cathartic mess.

For a minute I felt like this was it, this was the year. Normalness was becoming more apart of my life at the start of the year. I could go to work, exercise, see friends and enjoy social spaces without too many issues or feeling exhausted. Dating still felt impossible then but maybe possible at some point in the future as I was on track to receive some kind of therapy beyond the standard CBT they offer everyone.

My life still felt on hold before this and has for a long time. Ive made steps towards moments and periods of progress but anytime things get too much I'd slip back into isolation, the regret, the guilt creep back up from wherever I hid them. At the moment this isolation is far too comfortable in some ways and mind clawingly frustrating in others. A real life pergatory.

Privileged as fuck too as I'm all too aware. I have plenty to do, with little to worry about in terms of essentials for living and people are out there really on the edge of survival. I’ll probably always have a roof over my head and survive.

My mind still falls into the same patterns it has for the last few years. How could anyone ever love me again, why would anyone ever take a chance on me. I don't think I'm even capable of love again. Is my life worthwhile. With so many others out there not this screwed up why take the gamble. Let alone my own self isolation basically means no one would know I exist. I'm not good looking, rich, charismatic or special enough for anyone to be expected to take me with this much baggage.

Like some writer or artist who dies before their work is recognise I feel I might die before whatever small worth I do/may have is recognised. People have seen something in me in the past. But I've destroyed so many chances of happiness I think life is done with trying with me. Ive sometimes felt like I've not had much agency to control the flow of my life. I've likened it to feeling like a stick drifting in a river and I just hit things along the way or the river forks and I'll be sent down one or the other. Sometimes into great things sometimes bads things. Sometimes I've got control, sometimes I make the right call mostly I just fuck everything up.

I'll never not have depression but Im capable of managing it but I can't imagine having the energy beyond that to really try again with someone new. I want to but I just can't picture it, can't picture myself as a physical/sexual/social being. New people feel like danger, vessels of future pain or problems. It feels like a fundamental part of being alive that is shut off to me.

The new friends I have made have been few but cherished and are people that click right away. There's too much keeping me here for this to end with me taking my life, so I feel trapped, in a way its like I'm waiting out my time. Life shouldn't feel like serving a term but the amount of work I've put in already and I'm still feeling these things and the as mount of work still to do before I'm any where near OK is so daunting at this point as I'm so tired.

Is it worth if it cost me my late 20s and what feels like it could cost most of my 30s? I feel like I'm ruined, beyond repair at this point, In the most invisible of ways. If I went full on bat shit insane, manic bi polar schizophrenic delusional there'd be a quick solution and place for me to go. The comfort in that fantasy being I may not know I'd gone mad.

I've never noticed much of a change in myself over the years. I think of 18 yo me when I was 24 and feel fine, I was older now I've changed but in ways I expected. But the older I get the more maybe I don't like those changes or I'm realising more and more how I don't have it figured out. Right now I really don't recognise the guy in the mirror anymore or maybe I do but I cant reconcile that person with the person in my memories.

The me that could love and could accept live from someone else, the me that could leave the house without too much thought, the me that only thought like this when things were bad not everyday. I don't feel that was ever me, I don't know if it was the one event or a building things but something happened and it feels like I woke up one day after those memories as who I am now and that person feels abruptly seperate from those old memories. If it was as simple as that it'd be fine but I know I'm that person that's my past my path through life I'm looking back on. This complete dissonance from knowing that's my reality and the feeling of disconnection from it feels so hugely impossible to ever reconcile. I fear it will only get worse.

Like how they say when your young you feel invincible and that you know it all but as you become older your own mortality becomes more apparent and wisdom brings the knowledge of the more you learn the more you know just how much you don't know.

Before the quarantine I even said to someone close that I don't know if I want to die but I do want everything to stop. I got my wish, the normal flow of society has stopped to a degree however I should've been more clear in my monkey claw's wish that I want the swirling mess in my brain to stop and that I could sleep and dream forever. In my dreams I'm never worried about these things, I just get on a deal with whatever happens and really feel the nowness of what weirdness is going on. Its truly completely blissful and a huge relief most days. It's getting about that time today too. I'm running out of energy and hope tomorrow's a better day.

I right this as therapy, catharsism, if anybody wants to talk about it, wants to help, I'm open to it.

But I'm happy with the feeling of screaming this into the void as I don't really ever let myself dump like this onto anyone that I know personally. I don't expect anyone to read this or make sense of it cus it really is a train of thought extended stream of verbal throw up.

A lot of people have it far worse than me and no one appreciates that fact more than me, I'm just trying to make sense/reconsile what's goin on in my head.

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haught-at-waverly-place · 6 years ago

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answer all of them

answers under the cut! only doing this cause im that bored

200: My crush’s name is: no one 199: I was born in: 1996198: I am really: bored197: My cellphone company is: wtf who cares?? 196: My eye color is: green/blue 195: My shoe size is: 6.5194: My ring size is: idk small 193: My height is: smol 192: I am allergic to: cats and all of nature in the spring and summer 191: My 1st car was: an hhr or as i liked to call it a poor mans hearse190: My 1st job was: an in home care taker aka i cleaned elderly peoples homes189: Last book you read: god i dont read188: My bed is: my best friend 187: My pet: is the loml 186: My best friend: she lives too far away tbh 185: My favorite shampoo is: i use old spice 2-in-1 like the basic bitch i am184: Xbox or ps3: ps3??? what year is it the switch is where its mfkin at 183: Piggy banks are: dope af 182: In my pockets: nothing cause im a broke bitch 181: On my calendar: nothing cause im a boring bitch 180: Marriage is: cool good on everyone who is married to their best friends 179: Spongebob can: new spongebob can die cause its garbage 178: My mom: is the best 177: The last three songs I bought were? who buys songs? 176: Last YouTube video watched: air crash investigations (dont ask) 175: How many cousins do you have? idk 174: Do you have any siblings? one sister 173: Are your parents divorced? nah 172: Are you taller than your mom? nah 171: Do you play an instrument? i used to play the violin and guitar but not anymore 170: What did you do yesterday? tried not to die [ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: idk maybe? 168: Luck: sure 167: Fate: yeah sure 166: Yourself: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha no 165: Aliens: fuck yeah 164: Heaven: ehhh no 163: Hell: no 162: God: not really 161: Horoscopes: lowkey160: Soul mates: every one has one 159: Ghosts: kind of 158: Gay Marriage: nah why would gays want to get married 157: War: war is p stupid 156: Orbs: wtf is an orb??155: Magic: no [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: kisses 153: Drunk or High: drunk 152: Phone or Online: online 151: Red heads or Black haired: black 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: cold 148: Summer or winter: winter 147: Autumn or Spring: autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla 145: Night or Day: night 144: Oranges or Apples: apples 143: Curly or Straight hair: curly 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: this is dark chocolate erasure and i will not stand for it 140: Mac or PC: mac 139: Flip flops or high heals: neither both are garbage for the feet 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: im already sweet and poor sooooo137: Coke or Pepsi: where is my dr. pepper representation 136: Hillary or Obama: obama 135: Burried or cremated: cremated id like to go out in a burnin glory even if im already dead 134: Singing or Dancing: singing 133: Coach or Chanel: neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are you people 131: Small town or Big city: big city 130: Wal-Mart or Target: im a lesbian so target obviously 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither 128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure only cause they message my feet and legs 127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: xmas cause snow 125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate 124: Disney or Six Flags: disney 123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither who cares about baseball [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: men bein garbage 121: George Bush: why? 120: Gay Marriage: hell yeah we got it 119: The presidential election: we might as well have elected a crackhead 118: Abortion: let women get them safely so they dont fucking die its that simple117: MySpace: jesus is it 2006 again 116: Reality TV: its trashy but ill watch it cause im trash 115: Parents: love your parents kids (unless they are abusive) 114: Back stabbers: are awful just like maybe dont stab people in the back literally and metaphorically 113: Ebay: ive literally never used ebay in my life 112: Facebook: its p garbage i barely ever use it 111: Work: capitalism has killed workers and quality work 110: My Neighbors: they are there 109: Gas Prices: i havent gotten gas in like 2 months so like idk 108: Designer Clothes: why are they all like so ugly??107: College: stressful and only vaguely worth something 106: Sports: fun to play but boring to watch. i only go to sporting events for the alcohol 105: My family: is v dope and i love them 104: The future: stressful and i hate thinking about it [ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: last night it was my dad 102: Last time you ate: last night lol 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: probably back in december with my best friend 100: Cried in front of someone: oooof all the time 99: Went to a movie theater: like 2 wks ago 98: Took a vacation: january i went on a cruise 97: Swam in a pool: last summer i think 96: Changed a diaper: uhhh never…. 95: Got my nails done: god way back in high school when i thought i was straight 94: Went to a wedding: last friday! 93: Broke a bone: 3 wks ago haha 92: Got a peircing: i havent gotten a piercing since i was like 6 91: Broke the law: uhhh i plead the fifth 90: Texted: i texted my mom like 40 mins ago [ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: myself 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my dog shes so cute 87: The last movie I saw: spiderman into the spiderverse 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: a vacation to see my aunt in indiana 85: The thing im not looking forward to: going back to school 84: People call me: uhhh my name? 83: The most difficult thing to do is: rn? pretty much everything 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: im a leo 80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom 79: First time you had a crush: first time i remember was freshman yr of college 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my mom 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: i dont remember 76: Right now I am talking to: nobody im a lonely bitch 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully something to do with neuropsychology 74: I have/will get a job: 73: Tomorrow: wtf does this even mean 72: Today: or this one 71: Next Summer: and this one 70: Next Weekend: and even this one 69: I have these pets: a golden retriever mix 68: The worst sound in the world: 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: hahaha myself 66: People that make you happy: my family and friends 65: Last time I cried: yesterday 64: My friends are: amazing wonderful people that i love 63: My computer is: my lifeline 62: My School: is small but good 61: My Car: is a lesbian wagon that looks like i live in it 60: I lose all respect for people who: cheat on their s/o 59: The movie I cried at was: i dont usually cry during movies 58: Your hair color is: confusing kind of blonde also kind of brown 57: TV shows you watch: she ra, killing eve, grey anatomy too many others to list 56: Favorite web site: youtube 55: Your dream vacation: to go to germany 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: idk maybe my post surgery foot pain 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare the only way a steak should be eaten 52: My room is: always a disaster 51: My favorite celebrity is: taylor swift 50: Where would you like to be: idk 49: Do you want children: noooo 48: Ever been in love: yes i have 47: Who’s your best friend: we aint naming names on here 46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: playing with my dog 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: A43: Do you have a 5 year plan: god no i dont even have a 5 hour plan 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nah 41: Have you pre-named your children: nope40: Last person I got mad at: myself39: I would like to move to: somewhere other than where i am now 38: I wish I was a professional: at being not depressed [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: bottle caps or ritter sports 36: Vehicle: subaru wrx hatchbacks with a wide body kit are b nice 35: President: who tf has a favorite president 34: State visited: oregon or washington 33: Cellphone provider: who has a fave cell provider???32: Athlete: none31: Actor: idk like chris pratt or something 30: Actress: rn jodie comer 29: Singer: hayley williams 28: Band: paramore 27: Clothing store: h&m 26: Grocery store: target 25: TV show: law and order svu 24: Movie: princess mononoke 23: Website: youtube 22: Animal: red panda 21: Theme park: disneyland 20: Holiday: halloween 19: Sport to watch: none they are all hella boring 18: Sport to play: softball 17: Magazine: none i dont read 16: Book: i dont read books cant concentrate for that long 15: Day of the week: idk saturday 14: Beach: ive been to a beach like 3 times and i barely remember them 13: Concert attended: paramore after laughter concert last summer 12: Thing to cook: cooking stresses me the fuck out so i dont have a favorite thing to cook 11: Food: pasta!! 10: Restaurant: uhhh i dont really have one 9: Radio station: its 2019 who listens to the radio 8: Yankee candle scent: i dont really use candles 7: Perfume: i dont wear perfume 6: Flower: peach roses probably 5: Color: red 4: Talk show host: i dont watch talk shows they are all boring 3: Comedian: john mulaney or iliza schlesinger 2: Dog breed: corgi 1: Did you answer all these truthfully? hahahahaha

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joshhutchsource · 8 years ago

Text

Josh Hutcherson AMA Transcript

This is the transcript from Josh’s AMA on Reddit on February 16th, 2017. All spelling and grammar errors are as written by the original people This is very long, so the majority is under a read more.

Q: Do you miss working with the Hunger Games cast?

Josh: yes... they were the best! family forever. i miss them all dearly... however we still hang now and then and keep in touch.

Q: Hi! What's your favorite television show to watch?

Josh: the Bob Ross painting show... i can benge for hours

Q: Hey Mr. Hutcherson, is there any actor (that you have not yet worked with) that you wish to work with someday?

Josh: so many.... joaquin phoenix is up there for sure.

Q: Hi Josh, You got second class treatment from Rosemary Telesco and continued with Katniss Everdeen. Does it hurt your feelings?

Josh: hahaha.... life imitates art…

Q: What do you define as your first "big break" into acting and that business?

Josh: For me my first ever job was personally my big break.. I was 9 and I held a goat in the backgroud for a bible study video in ohio.... everyone starts somewhere…

Q: How do you go about choosing a script that you want to work on, both for this project and other professional work?

Josh: I want originality. Characters that are bold and have clear voices. i also want to push the boundaries of what reality is.

Q: Hey Josh! What is the craziest encounter you've had with a fan?

Josh: i had two girls and their mom show up at my door a few years ago during christmas with my family..... that was..... awkward. Im not answering the door next time. Haha

Q: do you think 2017 is going to be a good year?

Josh: hard to believe it can be... however I feel like so many people are getting involved that werent before... this is a moment when people feel energized.

Q: If you had not been an actor, what profession would you have done?

Josh: i like building stuff... and i like photography... maybe building stuff and taking pictures of it... if thats a job

Q: Because Im sure you get the same questions over and over - what's your favorite day of the week, and why?

Josh: Thursday... not becuase im here... but because i like how the word looks. and wednesday is finally over.

Q: JOSH is there anything you couldn't live without?

Josh: my freedom of speech and gluten

Q: your favorite song at this moment?

Josh: Lazarus by David Bowie

Q: Why were you such a little bitch in the hunger games ?

Josh: i prefer other words... however this little bitch survived. so... yeah.

Q: Which country do you think is the safest in a zombie apocalypse?

Josh: Iceland... no doubt. Zombies hate Byjork

Q: What's your idea of a successful person. What would make someone successful in your eyes?

Josh: A person who is comfortable in their skin... I'm defintely not. I have gotten better as time goes on but someone who is and who is genuine is successful for me.

Q: Do you have any advice for someone dealing with depression?

Josh: I'm not certified to answer this sort of thing. However I go back to perception. As well as really find what you care about and express it. film, music, walking... whatever it is that you can connect with is what i try to lose myself in.

Q: i feel like, in my mind, i always associate you with the jungle. Why is that?

Josh: that really makes me smile. I love the jungle and i feel a part of it often. thank you.

Q: hi josh, I'm not very good at english so I can't write a good question but do you like mango?

Josh: yes... im human. never trust someone who doesnt

Q: What do you think about Darren Aeronosfsky as a director?

Josh: I think hes great... requiem is on point!!

Q: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Josh: here in this ama.

probably isolated somehwere thinking of ideas of things to make movies about. I dont know!!!! cant think that far ahead honestly.

Q: in ten words can you describe your experience directing "Ape"?

Josh: BEst experience of my life creatively hello cars cat apples

Q: What's your favorite food?

Josh: Skyline Chili... Only available in the greater Cincy area…

Q: You still here? And if so, what do you think of the Oscar contenders this year?

Josh: Moonlight!!! That movie was incredible. I also really loved LA LA Land. those two really stood out for me. so many great performances though. Denzel was on point!

Q: Donald Trump or President Snow ?

Josh: I mean... one in the same right?

Q: How are Driver and Manchi?

Josh: they are the loves of my life.... I worship them. I believe they are quite happy. they get plenty of love and attention!

Q: ‼️‼️‼️ BERNIE SANDERS !!!! ❗️❗️❗️❗️

now that i got your attention,

Do you watch TV SHOWS ? If yes which one

You are such an inspiration to me. After almost 10 years as a fan, im really proud of you and everything you've achieved! I cant wait to watch ALL your upcomings projects and you are such an AMAZING human being Joshua. Thank you for everything. Seeing you in Paris in 2015 was the best moment of my life, i hope i will see you again and talk with you. Please don't forget your fans, we love you so much. (We missed you so much) Will you ever come back in France? :)

Josh: THANK YOU!! that made my day=] I love france and would love to come back!

I do watch some tv... not so so much. I really love GIRLS. that show is so perfect in so many ways. Ive never seen a show that feels more flawed and honest like that one. Best characters ever.

Q: Really wanna know if you'll keep supporting Bernie although the election is over?

Josh: ABSOLUTELY. we must. things are crazy now but we need to vote in local elections and keep our voices loud. I miss the days when Bernie was a real option…

Q: Hey Josh! Congrats on your director debut of "Ape." Were there things you did differently as an actor because you were also the director? How did it change your perspective?

Josh: it was hard... I liked it a lot but it was tough because i couldnt watch the monitors obviously so i had to make notes in my mind while acting in the scene... i realy liked this experience though and i have somehow even more respect for directors than before.

Q: Do you believe in a real life happy ending? If yes, what would you tell someone who kind of lost hope?

Josh: I think a happy ending is possible. I really believe its all about perception. If you can learn to manage that then you can find ways to be happy all the time

Q: HEY JOSH! I'm so glad you have finally done an AMA!

What advice would you give you're teenage self when entering the theatre/acting community?

Josh: thick skin. actors are the most insecure and insane types of people... with that you need to have thick skin to deflect the dissapointment and let downs and judgements.

Q: Do you want to repeat the experience as a director??

Josh: No doubt. I loved it. its extremely addictive and Im feining fo some mo.

Q: Hi Josh ! How are you ? Will there be a French subtitled version for Ape ? I'm a French fan :) Thank you !

Josh: oui... i think.

Q: Yooo RV was a dumpster fire of a movie...that being said, how awesome was it to work with Robin Williams??

Josh: hahahahah! Robin is a saint... biggest heart in the world and never a dull moment. he was the best.

Q: What kind of movies would you like to direct in the future?

Josh: I like stuff that bends reality and questions the human condition... bending the rules. I love films like being john malkovich and eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

Q: Hey Josh! What's your all time favorite movie or a movie you think everyone needs to see?

Josh: Two for the Road. 60's film that was way ahead of its time and has inspried so many modern love stories. its great!

Q: Hello, Josh! As an aspiring filmmaker, I know how tedious making any sort of film can be. What gets you motivated to create? Also, what’s your favorite snack? Cause, duh, snacks are some of the best motivators.

Josh: Honestly I think i get inspired when i see a dope movie... like when i saw moonlight i just wanted to go out and create something personal and important.

Also sitting in a restaurant looking around and making up stories about the people...

Snack..... kale. Fuk off kale!! frosted flakes

Q: JOSH. Huge fan, you're awesome, yadda yadda ;)

You're such a strong ally to the LGBT community. How did you get involved with your organization, Straight But Not Narrow? What is your advice to the community in the wake of certain political events?

Josh: We started SBNN becuase it felt like there was a lack of outreach to bridge communities together... especially in schools where bullying is brutal. I think now more than ever showing your support to your neighbors is paramount in surviving whats going on.

We are all here and human

Q: What was it like working with Mark Ruffalo?

Josh: Hes the best guy in the world. I love that human!

Q: Josh! Favorite 80's movie?

Josh: Lost Boys

Q: Do you have any directorial advice?

Josh: prepare!! Its so important to know what you want to make so when youre there on set you have it all set up.

The script is the absolute base for everything. understad it inside and out.

Q: Hi Josh!

You and I went to the same school, and you even lived in the same neighborhood as some of my close friends. We’ve never met because you always looked like you wanted privacy and I wanted to respect that, plus I’m a shy person who wouldn’t have known what to say. I’ve always wondered if you felt like you sort of missed out on your high-school experience, and if that impacted you on a social and mental level.

I’m trying to pursue my dream of becoming a published author, but sometimes I just feel like it’s never going to happen and that I’ll never be successful in the only thing that I’m passionate about. What advice would you give to someone who’s been told over and over again to give up their dream and focus on a more practical plan for their life?

Thanks for doing this AMA! It’s really awesome seeing someone from Union doing what they love!

Josh: I think that going for something different in life is for sure the most important thing to do... FUCK THE HATERS!

Only you can stop yourself from going for it.

that should be on an inspirational cat poster...

Q: How would you beat up Donald trump?

Josh: With knowledge.... it seems to be his biggest weakness…

Q: Would you rather be attacked by 50 duck sized horses or 1 horse sized duck?

Josh: One horse sized duck.... no question... Ive seen some big ass ducks…

Q: What are the kind of things you learned while working your blockbuster role in "The Hunger Games Trilogy"?

Josh: TEAMWORK. we had massive crews and it is not possible without all that.

Q: Josh Do you have any Tips for a Happy life?

Josh: Inner happiness... you wont find it in anything else in the world. thats the only way to get by and be happy

Q: what is the number one thing on your bucket list?

Josh: go to patagonia…

Q: Was this role challenging for you to play and how do you think you did?

Josh: It definitely was challenging... its a deep and dark place to go to and I like tapping into that side of myself... I think I did alright... Im my hardest critic

Q: It's so easy to hack me because all of my passwords are your name, what do you think about that?

Josh: Its kinda dope,... maybe try changing it for a bit?

Q: What is your favorite horror movie?

Josh: I really like It Follows... and classics like the shining of course... some chronenburg stuff too... butchered that spelling

Q: Is it harder to be an actor or a director?

Have you thought about being in another large franchise such as the hunger games?

Josh: Hmmm. I would say that directing definitely requires a shit ton more focus and work!!! Id say thats more challenging for sure

Q: Are you looking forward to doing the full length APE?

Josh: YES!!! The plan is to fastrack this into production after the short comes out. the feature is even deeper and darker... gonna be weird…

Q: If Peeta tried to fight you, could real life you take him down?

Josh: fuck yeah!!! well... maybe not. I have a ferocious side that I can tap into.

Q: Hi Josh (my brothers name too) What is the most Hollywood thing you have done/seen so far?

Josh: dont ever come to hollywood for a vacation... its tacky and nothing like they make it seem. Hah.

Q: There's definitely a theme of dealing with mental health issues in your film. Is this something you've dealt with personally?

Josh: There have been moments where I've questioned my mental state... haven't gone too far down that road but I think it's beyond interesting to try to empathize and deal with people who are dealing with those.

Q: hey josh! the other night i was really high and felt like i was you. did you feel it too?

Josh: Wait... was that monday?? I felt something then…

Q: Hi,

What is your dream role, if you could have any in the world, and what is your dream directorial role (genre, plot, cast to direct)? If you had to pick one of these, dream role or dream directing opportunity, which would you prefer to do?

Now this is the obligatory thank-you part that I could not pass up the opportunity to post, considering how much your LGBT+ work has meant to me:

I figured this would be a good opportunity to send some well-deserved thanks your way and hope you see it…! This idea of wanting to thank you started in a letter I started writing a good few years ago now… which I still happen to have in my bedside table, because it never got sent. (I don’t think I ever figured out where to send fan-mail to you, which didn’t help my cause.)

I don’t remember, when I was younger, knowing of any out actors. I’m 20 now, but up until my mid-teens, there was a big blank space around the ideas of ‘LGBT+’ and ‘the world’ being connected for me. I’ve known I was gay since I was 11, but the experience was very isolating, not knowing any gay people in real life. I had no foundation to go on, no experience in this, and obviously felt as though I couldn’t talk with anyone about it, even though I remember very few support-type services.

I remember seeing you in Zathura (my Dad loves Jumanji, so it was bound to happen) and ever since then, I think I’ve just sort of stuck with you. I must have seen that movie when I was about 12/13, and I think that’s when I started to hear what it was you were saying, because I noticed it was relevant to me. I followed what you were saying, and as I got older and more aware of myself and the world, it really started to have an impact on me. I felt as though that was my connection, as though that was my way of learning partly about who I was.

Even though you weren’t gay, the fact that you were only a few years older than me and were into the things and the field I also enjoyed really helped me relate to you. Because I related to you and because you actually meant something to me, the message you seemed so passionate about really resonated with me and it gave me a sort of courage and hope I don’t think someone older (or just generally someone whom I didn’t look up to) would have been able to instil. For the first time, someone I liked and someone I respected was talking about this thing I wasn’t able to share with anyone else. And they were a proper force in the ‘wider world.’

I never really struggle with ‘being gay,’ but I struggled with what other people might have thought, and again your dialogue helped with that. It was just so amazing to see someone whom I respected acting in a way that showed me he would treat me and people like me just as he would any other person. Even though it wasn’t a two way conversation between us, I felt that because you were a person with such a big stature who was brave enough to say this in public, that surely you knew people like me were out there and you were at least partially talking to us.

In the big scheme of things, I didn’t have it as hard as some others do, and I never want to take that for granted. My parents are relatively liberal and Australia is an OK climate to LGBT+ in. But I still found that it was hard to relate who I was with something bigger, and it was scary thinking about whether I would have to start a journey of discovery (not just self-discovery, but a discovery of ‘everything LGBT+’ I suppose you could say) on my own. Simply said, you helped me bridge the gap that I think sometimes people forget exists, even for young LGBT+ people in “supportive” environments. Just because they’re supportive doesn’t mean they’re informative or comfortable.

Nowadays, I’m so happy when I see younger celebrities come out, because I know how much that visibility and that platform means to young LGBT+ kids who simply want to see someone like them on television or in the media. Ellen Page, Charlie Carver, Tom Daley, Troye Sivan, Gus Kenworthy, etc, are all fantastic people that I just know will help make all the difference in someone’s life, as you did in mine.

So, all in all, I just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done and continue to do for me and everyone else like me! I think it’s fair to say you’re not just an ally, but a friend too. I hope one day I get to shake your hand and thank you in-person for what you’ve done.

(...well this is the most personal thing I've ever written on this website.)

Josh: Of course! I think its beyond important to give people their voice and fair shot at what they want from life. GET OUT OF THE WAY HATERS!

Only light can drive out dark.

#Josh Hutcherson #interview #Reddit #Reddit AMA

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