#person and well. i don't have that anymore when i worked somewhere several years ago and no longer have access to the work email!

[annakie]

FIXING THE HOUSE: PART TWELVE - We Can Make It on the Outside

Part One: I Do Not, In Fact, Have the Power

Part Two: Let’s Spend Lots of Money!

Part Three: All These Things That I’ve Done

Part Four: I Really Want to Stay At My House

A little interlude.

Part Five: Power Down

Part Six: You Will Leave Some Paint

Part Seven: Backwards to go Forwards

Part Eight: Master of Bathrooms

Part Nine: Within a Room, Somewhere

Part Ten: Rooms With No View

Part 11: Big Bang Room Part A and also Part B!

Hi, I know it's been like a week and a half but I was damn busy. I went to Minnesota and saw my buddies @ahab99 and @gloriousclio for a long weekend and it was fantastic! And then just generally busy since I got home, doing lots of projects for home and other personal life reasons. But there's still two posts to go after this one, so let's actually finish this!

Today we're going to talk about the garage and I think also just like, outside in general? And we'll leave the two biggest reveals for last.

Let's leave the living room and first head into the garage!

Look, the garage is not that exciting. The most exciting thing tbh was the fact that I got it like, halfway cleaned out back in July.

It's been too damn hot, YES EVEN IN OCTOBER to really finish the job after I, tbh, worked too hard on it in July, but I'm still glad I did that because of how bad it needed it, but we covered that already.

So I said this before but I made enough space to easily walk around, I put up some metal shelving for more storage/organization, and did some general tidying, so hey you can walk through it now.

There's a significant amount of stuff sitting in it that I'm waiting for a friend of mine to come get, idk when that's going to happen but I hope soon. Like a loveseat, a vacuum cleaner, a small desk etc. When those things are out, it'll be even better.

There's also several bags of clothes that need to go get donated and one bag of fandom-related shirts I was going to sell cheap here on tumblr maybe if I ever get around to it.

So one big improvement was just the fact that the drywall was starting to get real iffy. Some of it was straight up threatening to fall down. So that's fixed. I do not care that the new drywall is blue. It's a garage, I'll deal with it later, maybe. Also hey, shelving! Still messier than I want it to be. At least all that crap isn't on the floor anymore.

Also, no pic for this but apparently one of the beams across the ceiling in the garage was either loose or had come completely off the joist, maybe during the re-roofing? Anyway, Arturo fixed that, too.

So yeah, the workbench is still messy BUT.. remember way, WAY BACK in Part Two when I had no internet one night because the plug for this internet box was on the ceiling over my garage and it'd come loose, but I couldn't plug it back in because it was right over my car, which was blocked in by a dumpster?

Yeah, well, see, that won't be a problem again. Yay, I have power next to the workbench! A brand new outlet.

Crazy that there wasn't one there before. The only actual outlet nearby was against the back wall, pretty far away. And that outlet was SCARY. Very loose, felt really unsafe. It's been rewired and looks good now, too.

The most noticable improvement was this...

OK, see? Still TUFF there. It's actually a little better now. BUT... the windows! You can see through them! They don't have paint smeared on them! None of them have been shot through with a BB gun!

Look I love the kids who live across the street (and there are ALWAYS kids in that house, the kids who were kids when I moved in 21 years ago now have their own children, and there are always other kids there.) But occasionally they cause mischief and at SOME point someone shot a BB through my window and also into the siding a bit. I don't have any proof who did it or honestly exactly when, so I never confronted them, but it irked me for the last 2 or 3 years when it was there.

They were also just original to the house, and needed replacing. So now they've been replaced and look nice!

OK, enough of the dirty, stinky garage, at least until it gets actually cleaned out more.

-----

THE FRONT EXTERIOR!

The picture at the top of this post was the last picture I had from "Before" and that was taken day one of roof work back in late June or early July. The old roof, old gutters, old windows... etc. Just old and tired looking. You can see huge cracks in the driveway.

TBH it was starting to just look run down. Other problems were like, the garage door needed painting, honestly everything except the poles needed painting and that's only because they'd gotten so bad a couple of years ago that I had asked my lawn guy do it.

Obviously most of the things that improved the interior along that wall improved the exterior, like the windows and door.

All of the black trim along the fake shutters and next to the door got a fresh coat of black paint. The windows got touched up. I thought about replacing the light fixture but it's only like 10 years old so I didn't.

TBH the brick and cement could use a power wash, I need to talk to my neighbor's son about that since he does power washing. The new door especially looks so pretty. It also needed to be swept in that pic, it has since been, and the bushes trimmed.

My neighbor Veronica keeps reminding me that the bushes out front are too high, and she's right. I talked to my lawn guy about it and we decided to cut them way down in the spring when they'll start to grow back again.

Another improvement outside is security. I have a door lock camera, another camera you can't see in these pictures covering the front porch. There's a motion sensor spotlight camera over the driveway. And more stuff you'll see.

See? Camera.

New windows! Painted garage door!

The plan had been originally to power wash the driveway here. But there were those two HUGE cracks that were a problem. We filled them in with caulk(?) and cement but then you got... well, what's there. Also looked real bad.

Arturo ended up with a couple of extra bags of cement from another project. So he ended up putting a new entire layer of cement over the driveway.

He said it won't last forever, probably in the next couple of years we'll need to do a new driveway in order for it to look good, but by the time we got to this, the money was really starting to run dry.

So here's the front of the house now! It's so much better! Still has a little ways to go, but definitely not in the running for the shame of the block anymore.

Couple of other small things happened, including me washing the glass in my little lamppost, and spending $34 on ONE replacement pane that had broken long ago but it now looks fresh and whole.

There's also now a little sign you can kind of see on the door in a pleasant script that says "NO SOLICITING! Family, friends and Neighbors welcome!" I'm not sure if it's actually working or if people are just skipping my house now that it's clear I DON'T need new windows, but I haven't had any randos knock in a month or two since it went up.

---

Had Arturo make a small improvement to my gates -- there were just BIG gaps between the doors and the walls. Like you could pretty easily see my entire backyard if you wanted to peek in at either door.

So he bought and installed a border around both doors of the same cedar wood, and I had saved a quarter bucket of the stain from Joel so it got painted. I also put locks on the gates because the locks the gates came with seemed pretty easy to open from the outside with like, a coat hanger. Now... not possible.

The sidewalk is swept and most of that junk is gone now, though I'm still waiting on my friend to come get the extra granite that he requested Arturo bring for him. STOP CLUTTERING UP MY HOUSE!! :D

But tbh, I don't have the funds and haven't had the time to pretty up the sides of the yard yet.

BUT... big improvements have been made on the patio!

---

You may recall that the patio was in various states of looking pretty much like this all summer.

Eventually, as we finished up projects, the patio started getting a little cleaner and a little cleaner, combined with Monday or Tuesday Morning cleanups.

Hey, an empty, but ugly, patio floor! You may recall the patio ceiling got painted and the ceiling fan went up very early.

What's this? It's just ONE color instead of three or four worn through colors? I love it!! A nice green, which, again, was a darker shade on the same card as the ceiling color. I'm probably going to need to do yearly touchups but I have the can of paint for that for at least the next year or so. Believe it or not, these are not the same greens as in the dining room, nor the master bath, or the k-- wait we'll get to that. Just a lot of shades of green in the house, all different!

The patio furniture I think I mentioned at some other point got painted from stained red to the same color as the patio ceiling. I bought new grey cushions that look fantastic with them.

I also had taken the rug that had been under my computer desk the last couple of years and washed it off in the backyard, let it dry, then rolled it up and put it in the corner of the patio and forgot about it for a month or two.

When I was finishing the final cleanout of the patio for the painting I had an idea of what to do with it!

I also, back when all this started, had bought an adirondack chair. I wanted a nice lounger to relax on in my backyard, even though I had four perfectly good matching chairs already. But I wanted to lounge. I bought it in like... June, I think? The box arrived, I dragged it to the patio and it basically became a table for two months.

Just this last week I finally unboxed it, and spent three hours putting it together. I do love it!

The rug really adds a bit of homey-ness to the patio I think. It'll probably be need to tossed in a couple of years, but for now, I really like the look.

Hey, you can also see the new bathroom window from the outside here!

I really think the patio came together well. There's an element or two still missing.

And also... what's this?

I bought a house for my feral boys Buster and Peter for the winter! I really wanted them to have somewhere protected from the elements for those long week or three where it's actually cold in Dallas in the winter. I also wanted something that looked cute and gave them both their own space.

Still working on getting them to understand that it's for them, but Peter has at least checked it out!

Buster is under a chair over there being unimpressed. But also it's still in the 60's or 70's at night so they haven't needed it yet. I'm sprinkling food and treats in and on it to get them to try to investigate at least. There are warm beds on both the top and bottom levels for them. And you can see they also have beds in the chairs/floor where I see them sleeping.

They get oral flea medication every month or so btw.

The backyard is covered with cameras covering every inch. Nice cameras that solar recharge and are in high resolution. Every entrance of the house has at least two angles on it now. I'm really happy with that setup. Plus of course monitored alarm system.

There's no perfect home security, but I feel like I've made my house an unattractive target, at least. There are also generic signs posted about the video/alarm surveillance.

ANWYAY...

Fry and Pemily have also been enjoying supervised visits outside!

Fry loves dirt. Pemily loves just chilling out. I love hanging out out there after work and chilling with them. I do want to get a little side table for the lounger, but in due time. And YES I WEAR CROCS AROUND THE HOUSE. They're comfortable, ok? :D

Still gotta get the generator hooked up, and at some point actually finish beatifying the outside, but that's gonna take more money han I have left over now. I'll keep working on it, but also right now I'm letting myself just enjoy it.

OK! Back inside next time for the last two updates!

[weebsinstash]

Same abo person here

Dude you didnt have to come at me like that with that Izuku shit. I've already been feeling more down bad for him than I ever have because I just finished season 6 and vigilante Izuku in the costume just hit me different.

Ok but like secretary or assistant Izuku who slips some shit in your coffee or beverage of choice, maybe even lunch while already having taken something himself. Planning it just so your both in a small space when it happens, my thought is if your big(in terms of a company role or whatever) enough maybe a limo or maybe he might be personally driving you somewhere for work. Just for it to kick in and well we dont want to risk crashing right? Then Izuku insists that when the other one of you starts to show signs they must've gotten triggered by the other.

And if the two of you somehow end up not fucking the next time he sees you at work he is apologizing profusely. Apologizing for not keeping track of his heats or your ruts, apologizing for his begging and pleading because it must've be so hard for you to hold back, and how 'unprofessional' it was that he acted that way with a co-worker let alone a superior.

Worst part is this just pushes him to want you more. Afterall, your such a kind and strong willed alpha to be able to keep yourself off him, not wanting to 'force' yourself on him. Not having listened to any begging because he 'wasn't in the right state of mind'.

Thing was, he absolutely was at least in the beginning. He basically immediately started begging, crying, and maybe even screaming as soon as he felt the mildest twinges of his heat. Not like you'd know though, with the way he was acting he sounded like he was dying.

Bruh deadass I have absolutely awful at keeping with anime, I think a big factor is that my laptop I bought several years ago has severely degraded in performance quality so like I basically watch anime anymore unless it's on YouTube or like I can see if my TV streaming whatever has anime on it but. My dudes I've literally been meaning to catch up with MHA since season 4 which is funny bc I still have a draft w him I wanna finish. I've mentioned it before but, it's a quirkless AU where he's your wealthy renowned psychiatrist while you're involuntarily admitted into a hospital and it devolves into him extending your stay there on purpose just so he can spend time with you and eventually when he finds out another doctor discharged you while he was away for a conference he just decides to straight up kidnap you for further "therapy" that eventually further devolves into "I see you have problems being comfortable with men therefore I'm gonna fuck you as exposure therapy :) I am Totally Not An Obsessed Creep"

Izuku really is one of those yandere that, whether consciously/intentionally or not, fully takes advantage of the fact you think he's so sweet and unassuming. If he does something that wrongs you or upsets he comes back and apologizes so sweetly and tries to make it up to you and like, it IS genuine but he is also just wanting you to be completely on his side so, he be doing a little bit of lying sometimes

Izuku: oh my goodness I am so sorry about us "somehow" getting locked in that room I had a key for (I totally didn't sabotage the key so it would break and we would be locked in). I just couldn't control myself, I barely even remember what happened, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable, please don't hate me 🥺

Izuku when you two were trapped in a car or elevator or broom closet or some shit just the day before, in heat but also lucid enough to know exactly what he's doing: *sits DIRECTLY in your lap so his scent floods your noses* oh my gosh I just think you would look so beautiful with a little baby belly 🥺🥺🥺 PLEASE let me see you with my baby *keeps wiggling his hips on purpose to try and stimulate you, keeps touching you with his hands trying to peel your clothes off* I promise I'll take care of all of you, PLEASE have my pups, I am IN PAIN right now 😩😩😩 *continues to whimper and whine and shit trying to make you pity him because he knows you have a good heart*

Just full on drugs you so you go into a rut, and then if you ever "slip up" and fuck him, well, he isn't going to let you GET RID OF any potential pups that might come out of it. NOW the tactic is to emotionally manipulate you "oh no, our pups are innocent, PLEASE don't KILL THEM, it ISNT RIGHT, they DESERVE TO LIVE, I WANT MY BABIES, I already TOLD MY MOM SHE HAS GRANDCHILDREN"

Izuku is one of those "and then when she gets pregnant we can move into a nice big house and it might be a little rocky at first but she'll definitely love me if I keep trying and show her my heart" kind of yandere but like, he definitely has the capacity to snap from stress. You're working in an office with him or wherever and for some reason a lot of your male and or Alpha coworkers keep getting mysteriously injured? Did you hear how Shouto somehow slipped down the stairs and broke his leg from a mysterious grease spot right by the stairs? Or how Bakugou got horrrriiible food poisoning after that cookout event held last week that Izuku DEFINITELY didn't bring poison to? God, did you hear about Yoarashi? His brakes failed and he RAN HIS CAR OFF A BRIDGE AND ALMOST DIED

And here's Izuku "oh gosh, there's been so much bad news around the workplace recently, so I brought you this little treat to help ease the stress ^^" and there's 'definitely' not any drugs in it cause he finally bought his dream home to steal you away to, 'promise'

[basilepessoart]

Fucking Fuckery

Hi to all, As said when my computer broke "by magic" last Friday, I can't work on photo anymore (except with a camera ? Well there's also something - nevermind) nor post on sites with images that appear with ten levels of overexposure and all colors pale as an ass that hasn't seen the sun for 20 years on this fucking Hewlett Packard.

Artists working on Microsoft, if you have this problem and you keep these shitty comps, YOU have a problem. This is valid for galerists, museum staffs, art journalists, etc. Gates has created a sick world which is clearly NOT for us, in spite of his permanent "philanthropic" declarations - and this will take you to one of my last French texts about another "huge philanthrope". This computer stuff is literally unbearable as it's available - not available - I understand myself and the interested too. What is the panorama of my websites ?

-Instagram : Has been unavailable because of a technical problem since November 2 021. 500 followers lost, you know, when someone is not here anymore even if somewhere else, people act like that. I'd never think of doing this, but people are people. -YWAMag Fb : unavailable, as our shared Fb with Anne, which was largely used for the Fb Choice of the Day of the mag, since Anne's kidnapping (August 2 021). Yes she's free now, but the boxes are full of forced prostitution stuff and she refuses that I see this. -YWAMag Tumblr : unavailable since a technical change by Tumblr (last September). I don't know, as explained there, how to change the template that Anne had installed, and she's not able to do this for the moment. Anyway what will the mag be with about 50 of the best photographers of the mag having been clients of Anne as a forced prostitute, the gang's goal in this field being to destroy the mag ?

-Flickr : fine, just waiting for my computer to be gotten back -My Fb : writing, information, shared art, etc. Don't go there if you hate facts and are a collaborationnist with zero desire of getting out of your psychosis.

-Twitter or X : same as my personal Fb, though, not very used except on some periods as the current one, but always essential informations in several languages. Very few personal posts by me. Again, not interesting for collaborationnists.

-My Lens Culture : currently unfed but you have a part of my bio (half of the photo one), reduced by half by the staff without consent

-My Cargo Collective : a high level selection of my photo work, stopped ten years ago. I was more spectacular and accessible then.

Brilliant text about me by David Gibb Smeaton

-My Fine Art America : again, a collection (larger than the Cargo one) which is more spectacular than my latest production. Published between 2 013 and 2 014, for works (or photos, call them as you want, it doesn't matter) between 2 011 and 2 014, which is to say the start of my pro photo career.

The site is sale cheat - contact me for prints, not the site. Because, yes, I sell photos outside the exhibitions, I love and need it. -My YouTube : gathers a collection of the tunes broadcasted on my sites for years, currently about 700 songs or pieces. A single look by the shitheads who say I'd be "racist" and "anti-Semitic" to these collections should calm them - or not, we're speaking about fanatics -Our ISSUU : some of the mag's interviews, plus some before the mag - Graphic design Anne Pangolin Guéno under my supervising

Thus, this Tumblr, which is the only one technically available as long as I don't get my computer back (another technical reason linked to a mailbox), has become a writing one. I'm hoping to get it back, but when the fucking fuck ? And little by little put the texts on my main Tumblr so that this one is "lemmings' adapted". Indeed this 2nd Tumblr has for only goal to be a nice, ideas-free, truth-free cocoon for lemmings. I care for lemmings. They are nice. Or not. Basile Pesso, Land of Somewhere, 11 July 2 024 The Beatles, Get Back Modification 28/08/2 024 : 1. No forced prostitution, nothing of the kind. It was a strategy. The facts are about paedo-satanism, Anne having been hostage. I'll tell more later. 2. Lens Culture bio fine again now. As said in French on Fb a few days ago, thanks.

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here my friend, only mildly hung over but still severely disappointed, just coming into your inbox to share my random finale complaints that have been stockpiling.

Already been said many times but why Marisol again?? Just why??

You know what the awkwardness of the daddy talk reminded me of?? Remember in RNM 3x01 when Alex came back and told Forest "a man has needs" or some shit and we all collectively cringed away from our screens?? Its was sooo weirdly out of place and character and that's exactly what the dinner scene is. Also notably written by a former showrunner who won't stop fucking up storylines at every opportunity.

How exactly is the Chris leaving BS supposed to last more than like, 1 week tops??? When Helena (and Ramon) tried to take him 7 years ago and get their redo he was just a kid, but now he's a teenager whose been raised by Eddie Diaz. Not saying he's ready for college or to make his own housing decisions or anything 🙄, but his personality and preferences are not going to change much. He's not the moldable little kid anymore, and the moment Helena realizes that and Chris realizes that's what they wanted him for wouldn't jump on the next flight?? I know there's so much about that arc that's utter nonsense but did the writers put any thought into the characters at all??

Anyway, I probably should do my job for a few hours before I go completely off the rails, hope your own recovery is going well!!

Hey bestie! If it seems like you haven't heard from me all day, that's because I girlbossed too close to the post limit sun reblogging every petty, irritated, frustrated, what-in-the-actual-fuck-was-that post. I scheduled a bunch too do drop after the doors open on the post limit jail cells, this one among them.

I'm sitting here with my twisted peach tea, fresh off of work and a trip to the store (it was awful and full of people and only one lane open that could sell alcohol, AND they didn't have the honeycomb ice cream I specifically went there to get and try out with my earl grey tea ice cream because the universe hates me), just still so SO frustrated that once again they let KR swoop in at the last minute and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in the finale. Not even anything Buddie related, just in making literally ANY storyline all season have a good narrative payoff that felt like we went somewhere. Even the most watchable part of the episode (the Mara reunion) fell flat because we didn't see Hen and Karen putting up the fight they set up with the councilwoman, and Maddie and Chim had time all season to talk about maybe having another child, or fostering to make them able to swoop in at the last minute make sense but instead it just came out of the blue! (And don't get me started on the whole "this lesbian couple can't have a kid but the straight couple runs into no issues despite Chim being involved on scene in the death of the councilwoman's son).

ANYWAY. Let's talk about your bullet points please, because I have THOUGHTS.

1/3. Marisol was literally less than useless and if they HAD to avoid an off-screen hiatus breakup (they didn't need to, no one remembered her, it would have been fine) they easily could have ditched her in 7x05 and it would have affected absolutely nothing.

IMAGINE Buck is the one taking Chris to the movies and walks in on "Shannon" and Eddie? We get some Buddie angst with them having to talk out what happened because Buck was worried before but now he's WORRIED, and we could have gotten a more heartfelt resolution with Chris by allowing Eddie and Chris to have one single conversation this whole season, and maybe deciding together to go to therapy in a couple weeks when he gets back from his pre-planned summer vacation to Texas.

Then start s8 with Chris having delayed coming back all summer, and Ramon and Helena facilitating getting him into camps and stuff so he "couldn't" come back and Eddie starting to get fed up and maybe being ready to go to Texas himself to get Chris when whatever disaster the opening is strikes. Cue Chris seeing it on the news and panicking and demanding to go home and see his dad. It would be satisfying to watch, and would tug on the heartstrings without ripping them out for no good goddamn reason and punishing Eddie so severely while also NOT actually dealing with his issues about Shannon!! *screams into pillow* If we never see or hear about her again it will be too soon. They have drug this out past the point of any purpose and it needs to be put to fucking rest, 25ft down so it can't crawl back up. Doused in holy water just in case.

It really feels like they had a plan for Buck with the whole Natalia thing fizzling out and breaking up which I actually am glad we didn't see because as this season proved, it is LONG past time to leave Buck withering away in unfulfilling relationships he don't know how he got into in the first place, but once that was gone he got the coming out bit and....nothing much else all season and even that was one episode and then a couple minutes of screentime sprinkled throuout that used those precious seconds to show us how incredibly ill-matched they are. While Eddie, who was SUPPOSED to have the coming out arc (that was maybe more in-depth and planned to ACTUALLY deal with the Shannon of it all), was also left with a "well what do we do with him now" arc. Spoiler alert, it was NOT THIS. So no, I don't think they had the time in the shortened time frame they had to put literally ANY thought into what to do with these characters.

Point 2. My friend. Not only are you EXACTLY right about the tonal issue matching that cringe AF scene from RNM, but I will raise you that, AND everything about 2x06, including fandom swooping in to claim everyone who didn't fall all over themselves about that scene being amazing was a) homophobic and b) puritanical, pearl-cultching, and uneducated. Oh! and c) just needs to learn how to fucking multi-ship and be happy with whatever is on screen because it couldn't POSSIBLY be better, and you should just accept it now. 😒😒😒

It's gonna be a loooooong fucking hiatus but here's hoping Timmy got all the Lone Star brainworms out and can not just pack a punch in the disaster opening (RIP to everyone who didn't like the cruise ship disaster, I had a great time and it was the best opening in YEARS), but can actually follow through on storylines and emotional beats all season. And maybe get more calls??? On the weewoo show?? It was always and issue on LS too which I thought was Rob Lowe syndrome an all the "Owen things firefighting is boring" stuff but maybe it's budget constraints? Yo! ABC! Give us the cash for good emergencies! And of course, they need to get Kristen the FUCK out of the writers room. Please, literally ANY cop show out there, we are literally BEGGING you to take her off our hands!

Bright side, I have been working on my Countdowns fic (I posted a little bit last week and I want to try and work on it more now that all my shows are on hiatus), and while *I* may be the worlds slowest writer, I just know the Buddie fandom is going to come through with some BANGER canon-fix-it fics. So cheers to that, and lets pray the muse smiles on me astronaut!Buck/medic!Eddie so I can actually contribute something. I'm gonna go make a flatbread spinach and artichoke pizza, watch something, literally ANYTHING else, and oggle my d20 Bad Kids dice that arrived today, my Ayda pin, and my Jawbone quote mug and not think about 911 for a little bit. (until I'm allowed out of post-limit jail and can go back to being a petty bench on main).

Take a breath, we can get through this hiatus together! At least we know we have Oliver and Ryan on our side, so let's make some Buddie content for them to send to each other to help THEM through this rough time.

[purplesurveys]

1871

Everything: Categorised survey by xflirtykaosx

Z o o s

What's the first animal you go to see at the zoo? Well I've never really...looked forward when it comes to zoos. As a kid I found it cool to see eagles I guess but that's it?

Which animal[s] don't you ever go to see at the zoos? I've never avoided any animal in particular.

What's the strangest or rarest creature you've seen at a zoo? Nothing comes to mind. I've rarely visited zoos all my life.

What animal is at a zoo that really, in your opinion, shouldn't be? All of them, I guess. Zoos just rub me off the wrong way.

Have you ever been to a zoo with an aquarium/water creature section? I've been to places that are aquariums/ocean parks on their own already.

Do you like zoos or aren't you bothered? I am very bothered by zoos, yeah.

Y e s O r N o

I offer you a cigarette, you say... Sure.

I offer to buy you an alcoholic drink and you reply... That's very nice of you, thanks!

I have some Weed, do you want any? Nope.

Got some harder stuff too. Interested? Nope.

I offer you $5,0000 to kill a world leader. What's your response? 5000 or 50,000?

You sleep with me and I'll get you a record/modeling deal. Yes or No? That's creepy and neither of those sounds appealing.

W h e n . . .

Did you last cry? Last night. Just came across several posts that hit too close to home and unlocked feelings that I buried long ago.

Do you normally laugh the most? When I'm with my sister or with Angela/Hans; or when I watch BTS videos that are funny.

Do you forget things more? I have my forgetful moments at work.

Do you usually get up during the weekend? Anywhere between 7 to 9:30 AM. More or less the same time I wake up on weekdays since my body is used to the habit already.

Do you usually go to bed during the week? On weekdays, the latest I allow myself to stay up would be 2:30 AM. Any later than that I'd be fucked in the morning.

Did you last forget something important? Can't remember tbh. I forget a lot of little things, but rarely if it comes to big big big significant stuff.

Do you feel the most secure? Just whenever I'm on my own. I like and find comfort in my own company.

Do you ask for advice? When even my own pep talks or solutions don't work anymore.

W h y . . .

Do you think you see the world the way you do? What a deep question, sorry I'm gonna give such a basic answer lmao. Just my experiences and the stories I hear from the people around me, I guess. My perception of the world is shaped from the way I've encountered it.

Do you think you were put on this earth? I don't think there's a real purpose to it. I think of it as I'm just a cell that managed to be formed, and it's up to me to make the most out of the life I've been given and do it happy.

Do you favour your favourite colour? It reminds me of BTS.

Do you like the clothes you are wearing? It's CM Punk's WWE return shirt, and it personally means a lot to be able to own it because I've stuck around long enough to have been with him throughout his entire journey, and him coming back to the place we all thought he'd never come back to continues to be such an unbelievable feeling haha.

Do you lose your temper at people? I cannot handle stupidity, laziness, or slow people, and that's when I tend to be the most impatient.

Can or can't people empathise with others? Differences in the way we've lived life.

W h e r e . . .

Do your grandparents live? My father's parents live somewhere south; my grandma on my mom's side lives nearby.

Do you want to visit this year? Just anywhere abroad, really; and I should be able to tick that off my list soon as we're headed for Vietnam in a couple of weeks. We'll be visiting Ho Chi Minh and Da Nang.

Do you feel the most complete? Museums.

Did you go yesterday? I went to North Caloocan for the first time for work, and what a shitshow of a city. I'm so glad I live where I live.

Can you go when you're in trouble? Not sure what this is asking...? I'm 26. I never really...get in trouble anymore lol.

Does your best friend live? Just nearby.

W h o . . .

Could you tell anything to? Angela.

Has hurt you the most in life so far? My mom and my ex.

Has made you laugh in the last 24 hours? My sister.

Has made you question something in the last week? Ange, for being a terrible coworker and for making me ask myself why I ever agreed to work with her given the warnings everyone gave. Idk, I just wanted to give her another chance and I was genuinely rooting for her...

Idk. I typically have infinite patience at work because I know everyone's doing their best and the last thing I resort to is to be pissed at any one of my own teammates. But she's clearly not doing her best and is checked out as all hell and it's making the rest of the team who are doing their best look bad, so I've given myself the go signal to be a little harsh on her.

Do you think, outside family, has made the biggest impact on your life? My ex.

Never fails to cheer you up? Angela.

Gets on your nerves the most? Ange, clearly. And my brother.

W h a t . . .

Age do you wish you were? I don't really think about this. I'm fine at the present, where I am and how old I am currently.

Colour is the nearest book to you? There are no books near me. I'm somewhere up north now for a bit of a staycation, and I meant to bring The Midnight Library with me but ultimately forgot about it since I was rushing this morning :(((

Memory sticks out the most? There isn't one in particular. Different memories pop up for me depending on my mood or what my brain feels like remembering.

Subject did you dislike in school? Chemistry, calculus, trigonometry, and philosophy.

Dish/meal would you like to eat right now? Tuna sashimi would be great.

Sense of yours is the strongest? Touch.

Book has impacted you on an emotional/psychological level? None.

Word do you always misspell? Rhythm.

Decade were you born in? 90s.

V i o l e n c e

Is it ever okay to hit a child? When is this? Never. I dislike kids lol, but realistically I hate the idea of physically harming them. That's how every Filipino kid until the 2010s grew up and I will be the first to tell you it doesn't fucking work. I've seen my cousins get lashed with belts, whipped with sandals, or harshly slapped and 100% of that bullshit was ineffective.

Do you think violence is a huge problem in the world? Sure.

Are you afraid of going out at night incase you get attacked? Yeah. I'm a woman in the cat calling capital of the world. You'll never see me walking at night.

Do you live in an area with a reputation of being violent? Fortunately, no.

Do you think violence is appropriate when someone gives you verbal abuse? Not always; things like this are never black and white. But, say, someone's endured abuse for a time and finally decides to snap back – situations like that, I would understand and empathize with.

Someone hits you, what do you do? Ideally I would hit back but it really depends on the situation. I could always freeze – which has happened before.

Have you ever been "beaten up"? Did you report it? Nope.

Do you think violence in rap music influences the nation to violent acts? No, the same way violence in video games does not necessarily mean those acts are carried over to real life. I was 5 when I first learned how to go up parking lots on GTA and go on rocket launcher killing sprees to everyone walking below; I turned out fine lol.

If so, list a few songs you feel show an example of this:

Do you think violence in video/computer games influences the nation also? No.

If so, list a few games that you feel show an example of this:

Do you think that violence in films influences the nation? Example[s]? No for me, because I feel like in shows or movies they add inaccuracies on purpose anyway so that no one can imitate stupid shit. Like how they purposely fucked up the scene order of making meth on Breaking Bad so that anyone who tries to copy it in real life will turn out wrong.

U n d e r n e a t h I t A l l

Do you truly think you are better than someone else? No. If anything I feel like everyone can do at least one thing better than I can. But I've learned to be alright with that; it's made me learn how to live a calmer life while not losing my competitiveness.

Is there something you fear above anything else? What is it? Losing my loved ones to death. Because where do they go? Were they in pain? Are they watching over from another dimension that I just can't perceive, like I like to believe? things like that I hate thinking about but can't stop thinking about either.

Are you in any shape or form, racist? I am wary of the mainland Chinese, but that also comes in the context of those people being bullies to Filipinos, those people infiltrating my country, and from personally experiencing their rudeness.

Are you in any shape or form, sexist? Nope.

Are you discriminative in any other way? Elaborate. I try not to be, but I'll sometimes encounter one too many booboos or annoying tendencies of a particular group that I can't help but lose my trust and neutral impression of them – Christians.

Can you honestly say you've got a good heart and mean well? For the most part. I'm not a saint, and that will sometimes show intentionally or otherwise. Other times, others are the first to be mean and I typically like to respond to that with the same meanness. So, not a saint LOL.

Are you more selfish or selfless? Idk, a little bit of both.

Do you believe you make life what it is? Yes. Sometimes I make it beyond what I think it's giving me at the moment, because life is short and you gotta learn how to be extra and do everything you wanna do and not be shy. But for the most part I've been more accepting of life and do what I can with what is around me.

Is there someone you truly hate? Why do you hate them? Not anyone in real life but I'm pretty sure I'm capable of physically harming animal abusers. I almost got started with a dude 9 years ago but my parents restrained me because they thought I was making a scene.

Do you feel comfortable around the opposite sex? How about the same sex? Guys are fine as long as they are not creepy. I'm comfortable around women.

Do you consider yourself wise/intelligent/knowledgeable? Booksmart, I guess. I'm not very confident in other areas lol.

Do you respect other peoples choices/right to freedom of speech? Sure...it just becomes annoying when this becomes the excuse to be a gigantic asshole. Aka Filipino Christians and their agenda to always be the Main Character in every narrative because it's Their Beliefs That Always Have To Be Followed.

Are you afraid of getting older? No.

Do you know what drives you in this world? Money.

Can you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else? I would.

Are you a children/animal/people person, or not at all? Animal. I don't care much for the other two, hah.

Do you have any hormone problems? How do these affect you? No.

Do you take things people say on a personal level? Sometimes! I can be sensitive but this is a Me thing. I need to learn and I've also been told to learn how to not always take things personally.

T r a v e l

Have you ever been to England, if don't live there? No.

Any other part of the UK? No.

Have you been to more than 5 US States if live in the US? No.

Have you visited any country in Africa? Name the ones you've been to? No.

Have you visited any country in Australasia? Name the ones you've been to? No.

Have you visited any country in Europe? Name the ones you've been to? No.

Have you visited any country in Asia? Name the places you've been to? I live in the Philippines; but I've also been to Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, Korea, Japan, and China. Vietnam in the next two weeks as well.

Have you visited North/South America? Name the places you've been? No.

Do you like travelling? Where is the best place you've been? Yes. I really enjoyed Bangkok – it felt like being back home, but with MUCH more shopping and a wider variety of street food so it was like, a lot of fun without the whole culture shock adjustment haha. Japan was nice too because the weather felt great and everyone was very very kind.

The worst place visited? Calling it the worst is a BIG stretch since it was nowhere near that state, but maybe Shanghai is the closest fit? I liked the urban-ness it offered, but tbh I don't feel like it was meant to be a tourist city. It's great for shopping and if you specifically set out to buy high-end stuff, but if you're not there for that, I'm not quite sure what you can do there. Then again we also weren't there for a long time so it's also on us for not having the chance to explore the place further.

Do you prefer to backpack, stay in a hotel, a cabin or summerhouse? A homey condo Airbnb in the middle of the city is the way to go! I find hotels too fancy, but I also don't want to be in a cabin in the middle of nowhere in an unfamiliar place. If I was traveling in a different country, I want my essentials to be just a short walk away.

Who do you normally take with you travelling? Phone, laptop (just in case I need to bring it out for work lol), power banks, chargers, wallet, Airpods, basic makeup, toiletries, and if I'm going overseas then obviously my passport.

T e c h n o l o g y

Do you own a laptop computer? Yes.

PC? No.

XBox? Never had one as we've always preferred Playstation.

Nintendo DS? My sister had one. I borrowed it sometimes but I was never hooked since I much preferred to play with the Wii.

Wii? Yes, spent hours on that thing.

Playstation 2? We did have one, yeah.

Mobile/Cell? Yes. Kind of need to treat it as an essential these days.

House Phone? We still have one since we have a few relatives who still prefer to talk using the house phone + some businesses will still use your landline as a means of communication.

What's your favourite form of technology? I mean, the lengths the smartphone has come has been pretty mind-blowing to watch. What do you mean this tiny thing can hold tens of thousands of photos, can be used for vlogging, can accommodate Powerpoints, and can carry all the app versions of programs that for a very long time you could only use via computer? I would be nowhere without my phone; I definitely use mine for everything.

Do you have Bluetooth on any of your devices? Yeah, they all do.

Wireless connections on your PC and/or laptop? Sure.

Coloured or black and white ink in printer? Are you asking what I prefer or if our printer has these features lol? In any case, our printer has both and I prefer colored.

Do you spend a lot of money on technology? I do when I do buy new gadgets, but it's not often at all.

Do you understand basic technological language? It depends on what you mean by basic technological language lol...

T e l e v i s i o n

What's your favourite show? Quality-wise, Breaking Bad. Rewatch-wise, Friends.

What's your favourite type of show [soap, talk show]? Sitcoms, since I appreciate an easy watch. For K-dramas, I like romcoms or those that take a crack at social commentary.

What about your list of favourite shows? At least for my top 5, it would be Breaking Bad, Friends, Descendants of the Sun, The Crown, and BoJack Horseman.

Least favourite type of show? Crime, mystery, fantasy, scifi.

Why don't you like the above type of show? In the grand scheme of things they're the least likely to be realistic.

Did/do you watch Friends? What's your opinion? I did! And I continue to rewatch it consistently. It's no secret that it's one of my favorites – I've enjoyed most episodes, the cast's dynamic was consistently great, and even after 10-20 rewatches for some episodes the same jokes still make me laugh.

Did/do you watch Smallville? Verdict? I did not watch it.

Did/do you watch Family Guy? Verdict? I watched it sometimes when it was on, but it was never a favorite. I think the biggest factor is that I was too young for the jokes, but even if I watch an episode today I still don't think it'd make me laugh or that the humor would be something up my alley.

What's your favourite talent show? None of them since they're all highly scripted anyway. I do want to get into Street Woman Fighter, though.

What's your favourite sitcom? Friends.

What do you refuse to even bother watching? Game of Thrones, Bridgerton, 13 Reasons Why, HIMYM, Doctor Who.

What TV package do you have? We have a smart TV now, hahaha.

How many channels do you have? Aww.

Do you subscribe to any packages? Which types? Welcome to 2024, survey-maker! Most TVs are smart now lol. That said I'll *kind of* answer this with some of my most frequently used apps instead – YouTube, Spotify, Netflix, Disney+, and Prime.

Do you prefer TV, films or radio? More on vlogs, tbh.

T h e E n d

How do you think the world will end? However the scientists have calculated it to be. Idk there's a lot of legs to it lol so it's hard to summarize everything in one sentence, but I've watched a few visual timelines about this question and I'm pretty much on the same boat.

How far away do you think that will be? Billions of years from now.

Do you see tragedy in the near future? Possibly.

T h o u g h t P r o v o k i n g

Do you believe in aliens? Yes.

Can you imagine a world without music? Being technical I see how that can be possible, but what a miserable prospect that is. Music is its own language, music has been used to express feelings and culture, music has quite literally saved lives. It'd feel like a very big hole if we suddenly lost all music.

What colour would you paint the stars if you could? I'm fine with how they look like from here.

If you were a superhero, what would you call yourself? I dunno. Just my name, I guess. I don't want to draw attention lol

What natural phenomenon do you find the most beautiful? Auroras and eclipses.

What age do you think you are old enough to vote? I'm fine with 18 being the legal age here.

Does the characteristics of your starsign reflect you? Some of it does and some of it does not. Same as with any other sign.

Do you cry usually because you feel hurt, confused, happy or angry? It can be any one of these things. I'm a big crier hahaha.

Would you kill someone who killed a child? No.

How about YOUR child? I think so.

Does learning someone is a different religion to you change your opinion? Like, of them? I have a very complicated relationship with religion. Most beliefs I 100% have no problem with and I embrace the chance to learn from them and hear their culture; but given my consistently negative firsthand experience with Christians, I am wary every time I meet someone who is very serious about that faith.

What is the most beautiful word in the English language? I personally like the word 'poignant.'

What emotion do you feel the strongest right now? Nervous-but-trying-to-run-away-from-it would be most accurate.

The last film you watched - how did it leave you feeling? Excited. (The last movie I saw was The Menu, haha)

Love of a Partner or a true friendship? Friendship.

[christmasintheloonybin]

also, if you look at it in a very cynical way, Ian Curtis committing suicide was a great career move. almost like mishima, art becomes life, he's immortal. I mean joy division is forever untouchable despite Peter hooks recent efforts to ruin the legacy.

if you compare Ian Curtis to the guy from The Sound (the fact that I don't remember his name proves my point) it's sort of theatre versus the real thing. if Ian Curtis had continued to live he would have become very successful, he had a lot to live for and even if he was genuinely severely depressed, he had marital problems and seizures and all this, I think it is sort of a young man's suicide. he really should have thought about it more. this was at the height of the bands popularity and they were only going to get bigger. so to leave the world waiting is, again, a great career move.

The Sound guy also suffered from serious mental health problems, arguably worse, he was schizophrenic as well. he tried and tried for years to get somewhere with music and The Sound I mean post punk people like them but they were never anywhere close to Joy Division. and their career declined, the band breaks up, he continues to try to make music and then as a middle aged man he commits suicide. this is the real thing. failure. nothingness. and I think the music represents his suicide versus Ian Curtis' suicide representing the music.

it was an odd thing for me to turn 24 a couple of months ago. it was a sad day like every birthday but especially so because I outlived Ian Curtis. when I was in high school I always figured he was part of thr 27 club and looked it up one day and when I saw he was 23 I couldn't stop crying because thats so young, even to me then, in high school, that seems so young and it's just so heartbreaking. and I still think about this, he released this untouchable body of work and then died, most people live to be three or even four times older than he did and contribute nothing to the world, and I am afraid of being one of these people. and just to think, he was so young making these albums it's unbelievable to me.

there's a bootleg live recording where he changes the lyrics to new dawn fades. "I've walked on water, danced through fire can't seem to take it anymore." when I heard that, again, I could not stop crying. it's just. idk. I've really never related to a band so much and being a male JD obsessive I would agree is a red flag lol. and the Ian Curtis cult of personality I fall into this trap. nothing else really captures this feeling of just total bleak nothingness. unknown pleasures is a sad album, closer is a suicidal album, clearly. everything they did, every song is so perfect. loneliness, mental illness etc. and even the way he dressed and looked. he's just like me. I mean I really feel for him. and it will always make me emotional thinking about him.

[tinyperson00-venting]

long rant

I think I've been in love with the same person for 6 years now..

the thing is tho.. he's not a good person. Ive been told many times before to drop the feelings. Ive dated him twice now, and he cheated on me the first time and left the second. He says he likes me sometimes randomly (years past, not this year) but then weeks later he pretends like I don't exist.

I know he's not a good person, but I can't help it. He used to both physically and emotionally hurt me a lot. When we were younger he said he'd do it since he didn't know how else to express himself, but recently he just did it for fun or so I think. This year however, he just seems to ignore me and act as if we never even met. We go to the same pool, and during the summer everytime I showed up with my family, he got out and either left or sat somewhere and avoided me. It's like I did something or whatever and everything just changed.

last school year, I went through quite a lot and literally all my friends except ace left and pretty much backstabbed me in several ways. He was one of them. Maybe I did something to do deserve this? Is this some sort of punishment to me??

I tried dating 2 other people in hopes of getting over him both last year and 3 years ago. It didn't work tho, and ended up making it worse. He doesn't even speak to me unless it's during class about schoolwork.

we have similar last names, so we always get sat next to eachother or almost next to eachother during seating charts in classes we share. It's kinda awkward tho since he just looks the other way and doesn't speak. In years prior when we got sat together, he would play around or make little comment or jokes to me.

This year is different. I'm alone almost 24/7 even tho I'm surrounded by a school full of people. If you've read any of the previous posts on here, you know my mental health is like 6ft under currently as well. I think I've given up to be honest.

I still wish things would go back to the way they used to be with us, but now I'm not even sure if I'm even still capable of feeling or showing love anymore. It's said that one who truly hates themselves isn't capable of loving another. Well, that statement has proven true.

maybe it's good tho.. maybe now I can finally move on somehow.

[ofthoughtsandmemories]

man. I'm not sure if keeping this blog alive is a good thing, but right now I don't see the harm in posting.

My life fell apart. It sounds dramatic when I type it out, but I can't deny that it's true. I am only a few assignments away from getting my Masters, but that's on hold for... well, I don't know. As long as it takes to get better, I guess.

At first, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I spiraled and spiraled. I was certain I wouldn't survive. And I wouldn't have if I didn't have such wonderful friends and a medical support system.

I spent several months digging my own grave and 3 months lying in it. That's what my therapist now says, and I can't help but agree with her. My dad came and saved me. I left Omaha behind for Appalachia. It was, and is, a bittersweet transition. More bitter than sweet, but it gets easier to swallow every day. I miss my friends in Omaha so much. They promised we'd keep in touch and that we could still be friends, but I have more experience in losing friends than they do, I think. Perhaps that's a pessimistic outlook, but I just can't help it. I know they still think of me. Moi talks to me frequently. I just miss them so much.

I thought I was sick. Everyone did. My parents and I struggled and struggled to be seen by doctors who would take me seriously. After the endocrinologist told me it was just PCOS, something inside of me changed. I don't know what it was or why, but ever since then, I feel like a different person.

I'm still not completely convinced that this new treatment is going to work, but I'm not really convinced of anything right now, so I guess that's fine. It has to be fine.

So after almost a year now of suffering and stagnation and pain, I've started to heal. I think. But this healing is starting with 10 years of repressed memories and trauma I didn't even know I had.

I am a CSA survivor. Typing it out still feels strange. How long did I carry that with me in my subconscious? I wish I knew. I wish I could remember. As scared as I am of remembering, it somehow seems worse to have it all tucked away somewhere, out of reach. I can't heal if I can't remember.

At the same time, the worst part so far has been remembering. I can't stop thinking about high school. I can't stop thinking about all of the ways that I hurt people. Realizing why I acted the way I did. Remembering all of the dysfunctional ways that I cried out for help.

This blog is one of them. I read through the entire thing some time a few weeks ago. It hurt me to see myself saying such horrible things. I was 13. She was 13. I picked up the burden of self hatred so, so young, and I didn't even know I still carried it with me.

I also don't know when I started believing that I deserved the abuse I got. The neglect. It's little wonder to me now that I struggled with adulthood. No one taught me. No one taught me how to live. I have spent my entire life believing that I am a burden, unwanted, never enough. My mother threatened to kill herself because of me many times. I want to say that I forgot it happened, but that's not true. Like the rest, it has been with me. I think I just accepted that I deserved it somewhere along the way. I don't think that anymore. I haven't thought that for a while.

Now, I just live. I heal. I'm frustrated and scared and sad and all kinds of things. I have so much work to do, and most of it is in my head. I'm grateful for my NH friends more than I can say. I'm grateful to Moi and the rest of my friends in Omaha. I'm grateful to all of the people I have known in my life who have helped me begin to love myself. People who I loved. Because I do love myself, even if I still hate myself. I love parts of me, and I will learn to love all of me.

There is nowhere else to go but forward.

[vent-blog-for-pup]

Feel like I shouldn't be lonely because I have friends, but they're never around

My boyfriend lives in america and I in britain. I've never met him irl yet.

My friends H and L moved away from the city in which I live; i only get to speak to them online now. The only thing they're interested in is Destiny 2, and I am so, so sick of destiny 2. I've played way too much of it because I was desperate to talk to H and L for some human contact.

My friend F is really unreliable when it comes to meeting; I see them maybe once every other month. we used to spend a lot more time together but she had a really rough year.

My friend C is another one I've only spoken to online because of the distance; hopefully I'll get to see them in a couple of months, but it'll only be for a few days and then they'll go home again.

I'm jealous of my best friend. she got a girlfriend and new friends in the span of a month or two. she's having a great time, and I'm happy for her.. but I don't see her nearly as much anymore.

My friend K is swamped with work and has been for a while now. They never message me first, and always say they're too busy to meet up.

My friend E is swamped with university deadlines. I've been trying to meet up with them for close to a year now, but something has always got in the way.

So i figured maybe I need more friends, friends who have time (and are close enough) to hang out with me in person. but that's not going well.

I met a really nice person a few weeks ago and I felt like it might go somewhere (my boyfriend and I are polyamorous so that's ok) but they're hardly responding to my messages now.

I met a different person who I thought i could make friends with but now they too are dodging any questions of meeting up. I went to some philosophy groups with A to meet new people, but I didn't make any connections.

I went to a support group several times for LGBT people in my city, but they already all have their own friend groups and aren't really interested in making new friends like I am.

I've tried joining more societies at university. I've tried going on apps that are specifically for making friends. I've tried dating apps for my polyamorous side.

I've tried making friends with my friend's friends but had a mental breakdown about a month ago which ruined every connection I had been making.

I'm tired of trying to meet up with my friends who (no fault of their own, life is just busy sometimes) don't have the time anymore. I'm tired of trying to make new friends when they're clearly not interested. I'm tired of trying to find new romantic partners only to be rebuffed every time. I feel really guilty about the mental break; I had been making some genuine progress only to ruin that as well.

Most of my week I spend alone now.

...

I know this is just a slump. It'll get better. I'll find new people naturally. But it's just so, so tiring to get through this period. It feels like every year I have to find a new friend group. people leave all the time now for one reason or another.

I don't want to keep going on like this. I'm tired.

[queerlyglittering]

Personal/mental health info below the cut, just wanted to get it down somewhere while it's on the brain so I can refer back to it as necessary.

So I was diagnosed several years ago now with the "inattentive subtype" of ADHD (formerly known as just ADD, sans hyperactivity), and it occurred to me today that maybe THAT is why stimulant medications don't work for me? AHDH with a hyperactive component basically works the way it does because the brain is chronically UNDER-stimulated, so it's constantly trying to stimulate itself - which is why stimulant medications are effective despite seeming counterintuitive, because they provide that stimulation that the brain craves without the byproducts of physical or mental hyper-activity.

Now, in my case, when I've taken stimulants of any kind, it makes me super overwhelmed and irritable and like explosively angry. Adderall was the worst, but even excessive amounts of caffeine can have a similar (albeit somewhat milder) effect - hence why I don't drink energy drinks anymore. Even Vyvanse didn't work for me, although that was less irritability and moreso like heart palpitations and feeling like I was having a panic attack the whole time it was in my system, every time I took it.

But it got me thinking, like, what if the reason I have such a negative reaction to stimulants is because they literally do OVER-stimulate my brain? And moreso to the point, what if that is because MY brain has already found its own stimulant drug of choice, that being anxiety?

Which also leads me to the thought that: what if, if/when I do get a new psychiatrist and try out different medications and I end up trying an anxiety medication... will that make my ADHD symptoms worse? Because my brain can't use anxiety to stimulate itself anymore?? Would stimulant ADHD meds actually work for me then, or moreso would they be *necessary* then? But then, aren't most anti-anxiety medications basically depressants, which are not meant to be taken with stimulants? What do I do then??

I've been considering trying Wellbutrin, when I get the opportunity to, because it's an anti-depressant so it theoretically will help with my chronic depression, but it's also prescribed off-label for non-stimulant treatment of ADHD. So far it's the only non-stimulant treatment I know of, but I need to look into other options as well. I have no idea what my options are for anxiety meds short of like Xanax or Valium, which have a strong sedative effect and are so prone to abuse that idk if anyone around here would even prescribe them anymore. There's got to be some newer options, right? I'll have to look into it.

[aidanturner]

Episode 4...

I almost forgot about this conversation, but thought it should be shared here.

This looks like a mess, but I have to post these as screenshots because the original comments have been deleted.

This cruel, aggressive person has been calling me crazy, monster, ill, sick, jealous and 'full of myself'. She has been twisting the truth and spreading lies and slander about me all over social media for years. I can assure you, I'm not any of that. I have no reason to be jealous of anything and I'm not crazy either! I just can't tolerate hateful bullies and liars. This 'adora' is not the lovable and innocent person, she pretends to be.

Never believe anything this rude and vile person and her tiresome sidekick say about me or anyone else!

They seem to have some sort of obsession of my watermarks, they literally drive themselves to the brink of rage over them... because that's all they can complain: I don't post ugly, plastic, over processed content 24/7 but good quality photos and videos. Besides it doesn't matter if 'the watermark is on his body' or somewhere else, it's still a watermark. It's hypocritical to make a lot of noise about something and still continue doing the exact same yourself.

I have been criticizing their work, because Aidan is a beautiful man as himself, he doesn't need their ridiculous improvements and ugly, unprofessional photo and video editing. The collages and videos are tacky and old-fashioned, I've seen those 15 years ago. Their awful plastic creations are a disgrace to this beautiful man, like this photo of Philip above. And I'm allowed to express my opinion as well!

This 'adora' and the tiresome sidekick are the only people who have been causing trouble in this fandom, stealing photos, gifs, videos, ruining every photo and gif with Remini and then whining in their support (FB) group when people don't like or dare to criticize their creations. They have a constant and unhealthy need to bring attention to themselves.

The admins of that FB group speak of 'freedom of speech' and 'freedom of thought' but at the same time the members who dare to disagree are kicked out of their prison-like group. The rest of the members seem severely brainwashed.

(click the photos for full view, these comments were published in mid-June 2024)

Photos 1 ja 2: Strange to speak of yourself as 'her'... And of course they are interest in my work, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this post... So my watermarks are the devil's work but theirs are just fine?

Photo 3: Cringe. Well, the fact is that none of the ATIs are very good at what they are trying to do, they just make a lot of noise about themselves. FYI graphics and videos have been part of my job for over 15 years, so I believe I have a better perspective of these matters.

Photo 5: OMG. More lies. And childish. I've asked people not to share my screencaps and edits from my private accounts. It's scary and sad that someone is so full of hatred... (gif @twelvepercentt)

- - -

I feel so happy and grateful that so many fans of Aidan Turner follow and support me. I don't have any need to compete of who is the fasted and who has more followers, views, likes etc. I just want to share content that doesn't make your eyes bleed.

I'm not going post much about this matter anymore, I'm ignoring most of their BS, but I felt this is something you have to see yourself and to defend myself against these constant lies. I've asked these people to leave my screencaps, edits, gifs, videos untouched but that request has been rudely ignored with obnoxious responses. Any normal person would have understood that request. And if they claim they never remove or crop my or anyone else's watermarks, that's another lie.

TurnItDownSometimes, the admin of this blog

[idy-ll-ique]

no harm done

pairing: mob!bucky barnes x f!reader

genre: angst, fluff

warnings: one mention of a gunshot

requested: nope

word count: 1.6k

summary: y/n works at a bank. one day, three people show up at the bank for a robbery; they work for the most feared crime boss in all of the country, james barnes. who also happens to be y/n's ex boyfriend. but upon seeing her, she is instantly recognized by them and the bank is spared. why? because she is on his 'no harm' list. when she finds this out, y/n decides to pay him a visit, wondering if he still thinks about her. (spoiler alert: he does)

author's note: hiya peeps! enjoy!

masterlist

---

A loud gunshot made several people scream as everyone turned around. At the entrance of the bank stood three people: one woman and two men, whom everyone instantly recognized. Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton and Peter Parker. "Get away from the counter!" Natasha shouted and everyone scurried away from the counter.

Y/N, an employee, sat frozen in place as the youngest man approached her, staring at her with narrowed eyes. All of a sudden, his eyes went wide and he took a step back, turning to his fellow… criminals. They, too, looked at her as he whispered something to them. "We are extremely sorry, ma'am," Natasha apologized immediately.

Y/N blinked, her hand below the counter ready to call the police but I guess it wasn't necessary anymore. "You're, um, you're forgiven?" she replied slowly. The three criminals instantly left the bank as the other citizens looked over at Y/N, who returned their confused glances with her equally as confused ones.

"Did they know you?" a person asked as the atmosphere steadily returned to normal. "I didn't know them," Y/N offered and the day continued as usual.

---

As Y/N stood in line at Starbucks waiting for a coffee, she looked around and saw a familiar looking man sitting there, sipping on his coffee while talking to someone on the phone. Upon receiving her coffee she made up her mind and decided to approach him, making him look up as she stood next to his table.

His eyes widened like they had a few months ago. "Ma'am," he greeted her and she gestured to the seat in front of him. "Can I sit?" He nodded and she sat in front of him, leaning back on the chair. "Do you… do you know me?" she blurted out and he pursed his lips.

"Everyone who works with Barnes knows you." At the name, Y/N froze. There was only one Barnes she knew, and she was pretty sure only one Barnes knew her. "You don't mean Bucky Barnes," she whispered and the man in front of her, Clint, nodded. "I do mean him. He runs a very feared crime syndicate in the country, and he, well… he has you on the 'no harm' list. Do you two have history?" Y/N nodded.

"We, um, we used to date back when we were both in high-school. But then some family emergency happened… it was a peaceful breakup and after that I kinda lost touch with him… does he live here now? In this city?" Clint let out an 'oh'. "He does, yeah. Is there any chance you'd like to meet him? Because I can take you now." Y/N shook her head.

"Sorry, I'm busy today. Can you give me his address? I can visit sometime later." Clint readily gave her Bucky's home address and Y/N got up, bidding him adieu as she left Starbucks, thoughtfully sipping on her coffee. Well well well, life just got interesting…

She hadn't really lost feelings for Bucky, per se. Y/N thought of him often, always wondering where he was now and what he was doing. "I guess I found out today," she muttered to herself. A crime syndicate? He was their leader? His father seemed shady back then but she didn't think Bucky was that kind of a man…

And him putting her on a 'no harm' list? Did he think of her, just like she did? Maybe he still liked her too? She couldn't wait to visit him.

---

"Ye— oh. Oh, lord. Ma'am! Come in, come in please!"

Y/N sent a forced smile towards Peter, who had opened the door to the house. A few days had passed since Y/N and Clint met at Starbucks and she was currently standing outside Bucky's mansion. Well, inside now, maybe. "Hi, Peter, isn't it?" He nodded immediately. "Such an honor," he gushed and Y/N smiled.

"Where is your boss? I'm here to meet him."

"You, um, you'll have to wait, I'm sorry. He's in a meeting right now." Y/N waved her arm dismissively. "I've got all the time in the world," she smirked as Peter led her to the sitting room. Inside sat Natasha Romanoff along with another lady Y/N recognized to be Wanda Maximoff. They instantly stood up at her arrival.

"Miss Y/N, pleasure! What brings you here?" Wanda chuckled nervously as Y/N sat down, crossing her legs. "Oh, came to see your boss, but he's in a meeting, I suppose. I can wait." Natasha hurried to the dining table and poured out a glass of water, handing it to her.

"The boss will be extremely thrilled to see you, he does talk about you a lot," Wanda spoke as Y/N chugged the glass of water. "Does he, now? Fantastic, I can't wait to see him either." All of a sudden, there was a slew of footsteps coming downstairs and Y/N turned around just in time to see Bucky entering the room, Steve and Sam behind him.

He froze when he saw her. Y/N stood up, her eyes filling with happy tears as she took in Bucky's appearance; he had lost quite a lot of face fat that he had in high school, making his jawline appear sharper. He also had a wonderful stubble and fluffier hair, but his eyes were still the same: full of light and determination. "Bucky," she whispered.

Bucky instantly ran to her and hugged her without second thought; he had missed her quite a lot. He was only 18 when he'd taken over the family business— running the most feared mafia in the entire country. He was forced to delete Y/N's number from his phone and cut off all contact with his friends.

After taking over the business he'd sneakily met her one night and made up a lie about moving away and wanting a breakup. It was peaceful, but Bucky still felt guilty about lying. Not to mention he still loved her, even after all these years. He'd thought if she knew what he was, what his work was, she'd never look at him the same again.

A breakup he could handle but her looking at him like he was a monster? There was no way he'd be able to handle that. "Y/N, you're here. Oh my God, I missed you so much," he whispered into her shoulder, pulling her impossibly close, uncaring that everyone was watching. "I missed you too," she whispered back, "But you lied to me." Bucky pulled away.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart, I had to. What I do is too dangerous and I can't risk the lives of anyone close to me. My father forced me to break up with you. I didn't want to but I understood his reasoning. It's too unsafe, what if something happens to you?" Y/N shook her head, letting her tears fall free.

"No, I— I still like you, I can't— don't do this to me, please Bucky," she begged and Bucky's own tears flowed when he heard her feeble voice. "God knows I still like you too, sweetheart, but I'm sorry. I have to say no. I can't risk it. Do you know many people are on my back constantly? Once they find out about you, it'll be like a witch hunt—"

"Fine, I'll go," Y/N hissed all of a sudden, not able to contain her annoyance as she stormed past him, walking to the front door to leave. "King of fumbling the bag," Peter sneered as Natasha and Wanda followed Y/N. Bucky stared at the floor, wanting nothing more than to just run after her and beg her to stay.

But he knew he couldn't. He loved her so much that he didn't want to be with her, only because his line of work was too risky. "Dude, are you kidding me?! After all these years, you find out she still likes you and you let her go?! Just like that?!" Steve shouted at him. Bucky's head went lower with shame.

"You don't know," he muttered, "I'll only be risking her life. I love her, Steve, if something happens to her, I don't— I don't know how I'll live. For all this time, the thought of her has kept me sane and going. Knowing she's out there somewhere, living life to the fullest, still alive… if I bring her into my mess…"

"What mess?" Sam chided too, "Look at you! Everyone in the country fears you, all the other syndicates, their bosses, they respect you a lot! You've got top notch security and you're telling me your job is unsafe?! At this point, it just sounds like an excuse to not be with her." Bucky's eyes snapped towards Sam.

"Don't say that!" he roared, "I do love her! I just— you know what—" he whirled around to run after Y/N but froze when he saw her standing right behind him, her hand covering her mouth as a teardrop rolled down her eye. Bucky immediately pulled her into his arms once again, apologizing profusely.

"Don't go. Please, don't leave me again, I love you so much, Y/N," he whispered and Y/N burrowed closer to him, smiling. "I love you too, Bucky, feels so good to be back into your arms after so long." He laughed and dropped a kiss to her head, rubbing her back. "Are you sure about this?" he whispered.

"Never been more sure about anything, Barnes. You heard Sam, your job might not be safe but you are. And I trust you, so it won't ever be a problem," she assured him and he sighed, melting into her arms.

Everyone around them only smiled at each other. "I guess you didn't fumble the bag this time, good for you."

"Shut up, Parker."

---

a/n: thanks for reading, leave a like if you enjoyed!

[lucymontero]

Love Alarm, Lovestruck In The City, and a woman’s right to break up with a man

I didn’t think I would have to say this in the Year of Beyonce 2021 but here we are: Women have every right to break up with their boyfriends. Or their girlfriends, but since this post is about the portrayal of relationships in Kdramas, 99% of which are cis-men with cis-women, and all the patriarchal assumptions about gender roles that those entail, that’s what I’m going to focus on.

Fictional Reasons for Breaking Up, a Primer: People initiate break ups for all sorts of reasons in Korean dramas. Often there is a noble idiot element at play, where one party is being coerced into breaking up against their will to protect the other party. Sometimes different family expectations intercede so they break up out of not wanting to destroy the other’s relationships with their parents. Sometimes the return of an old flame, from the dead or from America, causes one member to doubt their new love and they break-up in order to go back to the safety of their old relationship. Sometimes they find out that one of their parents killed the other’s parents and they break up out of guilt. The last one happens with rather alarming frequency.

The common thread here is that most of these break-ups are prompted by outside forces, and that is also why most of them do not stick. They couple always ends up back together once the obstacle is surmounted, the miscommunication cleared up.

Rarest are the breakups that come from someone who genuinely doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, because being in the relationship makes them unhappy. We don’t see these very often- understandable as they aren’t traditionally conducive to the normal drama narrative. A female lead that doesn’t want to be in the arms of the male lead is anathema to many drama viewers. And, worse still, a female lead that actively prioritizes something other than the male lead, to the point of leaving him, particularly if that thing she is most worried about is her own mental health, is considered to be nothing more than a selfish bitch.

It is sad that most viewers, and male leads, don't respect that a woman can choose to break up because she wants to and that saying "I do not want to date you anymore" is, in fact, all the information a man needs, if he respects his partner.

But two dramas in the past year featured these break-ups prominently and sympathetically: Love Alarm and Lovestruck In The City. In Love Alarm, a teenager breaks up with her boyfriend of one month (although, to be fair, he has been in a hospital and then homebound for weeks so the actual time they dated is somewhere between 5 and 10 days) because being in the relationship makes her feel sad and small and fearful, despite the fact that she likes the boy. In LoveStruck in The City, a grown woman ghosts her vacation boyfriend of 2 months because, although she loves him, she met him while acting radically differently to her old self (who she loathes) and doesn’t believe his love for her can be real because she was pretending to be a different person the whole time.

In both cases, neither break-up is prompted by poor behavior on the part of the men. They haven’t behaved badly (ok, the teenager in Love Alarm has been objectively awful but he was awful in that way that dramas intend to look romantic, and there is no sign the girl thought the bad behavior was bad). The break-ups are, instead, 100% about the women not wanting to date anymore because of internal conflict about their own self-worth or struggles with their own identity.

In Lovestruck in the City, the breakup happens when the woman fails to turn up for the prearranged meeting in Seoul after the two lovers were separated, and then leaves him a cryptic phone message implying that she had really just been dating him to steal his cameras.

In Love Alarm the breakup happens face to face by the girl telling the boy “I can’t do this anymore, I am exhausted.” She also uses the excuse that senior year is coming and she doesn’t want to date. And she artificially blocks the demon-tech that people have started using to affirm their love so that the boy can no longer use it to spy on if she likes him. They have several conversations in which she affirms she does not want to date him.

Neither of the men take this news well.

In both dramas, the eventual reunion post-breakup is dominated by the men's feelings about said break-up, accusations, bitter reprisals, and the women apologizing. In one case the police are involved.

In both dramas, the women don’t regret breaking up, nor do they waver after the fact, which I appreciate. They had valid reasons to break up, and just because the men don’t like it, don’t approve, doesn’t mean those decisions were not the right ones at the time. Dramas in the past tend to focus on the pain of the male characters but give the inner lives of their female leads short shrift. This imbalance tends to give audiences unreasonable expectations of what is acceptable behavior. Both of these dramas spent considerable time exploring the women’s journey’s towards loving themselves and becoming more confidant and less fearful. And ultimately it is their ability to grow on their own that allows them to be able to start relationships later.

As for the men, it takes two seasons in the case of the teenager from Love Alarm, but he does eventually come to respect the decision of his ex, which allows him to move on. This comes only after his mother reaches out and tries to repair the damage she did to him with her abusive behavior while he was growing up. The lead in Lovestruck In The City after a lot of struggle on his own (which the audience witnesses, hilariously, via the “Office” like documentary feature of the drama) he comes to accept, and appreciate his ex-girlfriend’s focus on learning who she is and loving herself. His decision to let go of his bitterness and support her, his honestly wishing her the best, is what leads them back to each other.

I think these stories are actually a touch more realistic, most people who break up don’t do it because they found out their father killed their lover’s father 20 years ago. Most couples break up because the relationship isn’t working for one of them, even if their partner did nothing wrong. Normalizing respect for someone’s choice, even if you disagree with it, is a good thing.

FYI: If you haven't seen Lovestruck In the City, it gives Ji Chang-wook some of his best material to date. He does a great job, especially with the interview bits that are just him talking to the camera, I feel like they let them improvise here and it is really natural like. You should watch it.

[crazy-loca-blog]

Casey Valentine: About Her Present

A/N: Did the inspiration suddenly hit me after I had no idea what to do about this because I had never thought about it before? It did. Set somewhere between the end of Book 3 and right after it just because otherwise I wouldn't have had things to say about Casey's future. Part of the @openheartfanfics "Meet My MC" event.

Meet My MC || About Her Past

If Casey had to describe her three-year residency at Edenbrook, she'd say it's been intense, life-changing and unexpected. Time went by so fast and so many things happened in so little time, that quite often she still thinks all of this is just a dream.

Sometimes she still doesn't believe that she survived a betrayal, a trial, and an assasination attempt. She could even write a book about it, but keeping some of these stories to herself and the people around her seems wiser.

She passed her boards with flying colors and now she's ready to face a new challenge: becoming the new head of the Diagnostics Team. Ethan offered her the job after he was offered the Chief of Medicine position by Naveen, and even though at first she didn't know what to answer, she knew that Ethan would have never offered her the position if he considered her incapable of excelling at it.

And you can tell she already has a lot of plans for the team, even though none of them implies filling the spot that she'll leave. The work dynamic with Harper and Tobias is amazing, and they all think they don't need another member at the moment.

She's also glad that her salary will allow her to get rid of her med school debt sooner than she expected, even though she knows what she'll do with part of her first payment: she'll get Esme a ticket to visit her parents in El Salvador. This is something she's been thinking about since she knew her story. She knows how it feels growing up without parents, so if she can make a difference on the life of her intern, she will.

The only condition for her to accept her new position as head of the team was to be able to set some time apart to work in the free clinic. This is one of the most rewardings experiences for her and it reminds her why she decided to become a doctor in the first place, so she doesn't want to lose that.

When Casey first arrived in Boston, it was all about the medicine. She wanted to learn from the best. Little did she know that the same guy she admired as a doctor would become the love of her life.

Everything began as a mentor and mentee relationship, but after a few months it became something else. And it's been that way for the last three years.

Their relationship has been... interesting, to say the least. They both had different reasons to fight their feelings for each other (Ethan's morals on one side, and Casey's previous heartbreaks on the other side), but apparently when two people are meant to be, things are just inevitable. And they seem to be inevitable.

After the longest time and many highs and lows, they made things official a few weeks ago. And they're over the moon about this. Casey doesn't remember being this happy before.

However, she wants to do things right this time. She has always felt her previous relationships failed because she made too many impulsive and bad decisions, and she really wants things to work this time... mostly because she has recently discovered admitted to herself that this is the first time that she is completely and utterly in love.

Yeah, she thought she had been in love before... but after meeting Ethan and understanding her feelings towards him, she just knew she had been so wrong in the past! She never felt like this about anyone before.

Do people talk about them? All the time. Does she care? Not at all. She felt uncomfortable about rumors at first, but Casey knows that people have been talking about them for the last three years, and she doesn't care anymore. She's just too busy trying to be happy to care about what people say about them.

However, to avoid any potential conflicts at work, they both have decided to keep their relationship as private as possible. And so far it's working.

If Casey learned something about friendship during her residency, is that you never know when someone may betray you. Luckily, she has few friends, but they're the best.

Luckily, they all happen to be brilliant in their areas of expertise, so they all are geting great job offers to stay in Boston. And none of them is planning to leave.

This is awesome for several reasons, but mainly because they don't need to find a new place to live or a new roomie, which is a relief for everyone, and because they won't need to schedule annual reunions to catch up on their lives... they can keep having their daily or weekly ones.

She is also lucky to keep working with people she admires a lot: Tobias and Harper. She still can't consider them her friends, but they're certainly on their way to become more than colleagues.

Outside Edenbrook, Casey also keeps in touch with her med school besties: Tracy and Lauren. They both are doing their residencies at Mayo Clinic, so the chances they visit each other any time soon are very low. However, Facetime helps them to keep in touch at least once a week... and Tracy is getting married very soon in New York, so Casey is counting the days to see her girls after all this time (maybe she should tell them that now she might be taking a plus one with her?).

Even though the original plan was that Oliver would be going to Boston with Casey, things changed after grandma Marie passed away and Oliver decided to stay back home.

The twins had never been apart, so this has been a whole new experience for them. Not only it has helped them to become their own person, but now their relationship is stronger than ever.

They keep in touch on a daily basis. They don't talk on the phone often, but they are constantly messaging each other during the day.

Oliver also visits her every two or three months. And Casey's heart feels so full of love when his brother has the chance to share with her extended family, just because they all get along really well. In fact, they've already set a tradition: every time that Oliver is in town, they make plans to spend a day at Martha's Vineyard.

Casey goes back to Virginia every summer; however, the end of her her residency might mean that this is the last time in a while that she'll be able to spend more than two weeks at home. But that's okay... as long as she has a few days to recharge her energy by being in touch with nature and with her roots, she'll survive.

Of course, she's dying to take her friends there. Ethan has already visited and he won't admit it yet, but he's become a fan of that place. He completely gets why Casey loves it so much.

The idea of returning home after the end of her residency was tempting, Casey actually considered it at some point, but she'd be lying to herself if she says her heart is not in Boston.

Going from Virginia to Massachussets was a 180 degree change in Casey's life. She traded the mountains, the lakes and the river for skyscrapers, Seaport and Boston Common. Of course, this also meant making some life adjustments and discovering new hobbies.

She finally managed to balance work and life (something that had been impossible at med school). And even though Donahue's is the place to go after the long shifts, brunch on weekends with the gang are definitely her favorites.

Bryce, Rafael, and Ethan introduced her to the gym life at Edenbrook. At first, she only trained with the guys, but now she goes a lot by herself too, especially when she feels too stressed or when she needs to disconnect from the world. However, when it comes to release anger, boxing with Jackie is most definitely the option at the top of her list.

Sienna has taught her the art of vision boards to achieve her goals, but she's far from mastering it. in fact, any person who sees her vision boards would think they were made by a 5 year old kid. At least she tries (and she may even have reached a goal or two).

She also volunteers with Rafael once a week at his community center, even though she still can't learn how to dance samba. Sometimes, they also recruit interns, residents and attendings to perform some routine health checks to whoever wants them. These events are a hit... handsy Henrietta can't deal with so many hot doctors at the same time!

Life has taught her a lot since she arrived in Boston. Third-year resident Casey is a completely different person than the girl who assisted a thoracotomy on her first day at Edenbrook.

Luckily she hasn't stopped being her best self; however, after the incident, she felt that life was giving her a second chance. And she's been making the most of it since then.

She has everything to be happy: a dream job, the best brother in the world, a group of friends that became her extended family, and a "new" boyfriend who has been with her through thick and thin during the last three years.

She still deals with some PTSD, but a good therapy and understanding that this is perfectly normal while trying to learn to deal with it helps a lot.

Now she's ready to make a real difference in health care, the one that she dreamed about making in her intern year.

Tags: @adiehardfan @izzyourresidentlawyer

[misskittysmagicportal]

I’m A Creep

Fandom: The Messenger Jack x Rin Davies

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: suicide discussion, oral sex, penetration, mention of masturbation, angsty whomp because OOOOF is Jack a Whomp!character

Note: The events of this fic contain spoilers for those of you who havent seen The Messenger.  It takes place after the end of the movie.  Read at your own risk if you haven’t seen it!  If you want it’s free on Tubi :)

Present Day:

Jack stood beside Rin in the dead of night watching her sleep for just a moment. Only a moment because she roused the instant she sensed him breathe. Sitting up, she quickly reached inside the nightstand. He knew her routine, Rin was impulsive about making sure her leather motorcycle gloves were on before she let him in.

Jack wordlessly pulled his shirt over his head and stepped out of his sweatpants and boxers. 

Rin lifted her covers and opened her legs to him. Obliging, Jack lowered himself onto her showering her neck with kisses. His tongue and lips trailing down along her collarbone, erection hard against her thigh. A hand found its way under Rin’s t-shirt and over a naked breast where he pinched at a nipple. 

“Jack,” she was breathless. “Stop. Don't touch my skin, please.”

Jack pushed himself up by the arms, “How is this enjoyable to you, duck?” A northern term of endearment. “My thighs ah touchin’ you aren't they?” The moonlight caught his eyes as he teased her with the head of his cock. “What about this, inside you?” Suggestively whispered. 

Rin moaned but held her cool. “It’s not the same. Like you said, that's inside. It's just my.. skin. From my..” her voice trailed off. 

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckkin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed her. Tongue pushing inside of Rin, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered, just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me”

--------

Several Weeks Before:

Rin sat alone at a center table in the middle of the visitation room.  This wasn’t her first rodeo, probably won’t be her last.  She flexed her hands outwards the leather of her gloves cracking and flexing in a satisfying manner.  No one was going to come and see her. Besides, the solitude allowed her to quietly spy on all the other nutters around the room.

Just to her left Rin noticed a pretty redheaded woman and her son as they sat across from probably the most attractive guy ever in an institution.  There was a tenseness to the way he sat, shoulders hunched and hands between his legs.  His hair unruly and a blank stare that wasn’t really focusing on- she came to realize-  his sister and nephew.  Rin knew him from group therapy where he was equally quiet, eyes glassy from a psych med cocktail.  The majority of his speaking hours tucked away in that overbearing therapist’s office.  

“Jack, will you please just look at me?” his sister, Emma tried her best to reach out to her brother. “I.. I think Martin and I made a mistake.” 

Jack only stared straight ahead between Emma and his nephew, Billy. The preteen looked uncomfortable and scared as his mother nudged him softly. “It's ok. Billy tell Uncle Jack.” 

“I did, Mom” , his voice quiet. “I'm supposed to say no. That you should get me help before it's too late.”  Rin watched as Billy folded his arms and laid his head down. “Only I can't. It's all night and day, Jack. I can't sleep because they don't have you.” 

“Best leave him here with me then, Emma.” It was the first time anyone heard Jack speak in weeks. His sister had a posh accent, so Rin was surprised when Yorkshire dripped from his lips. “For good, right?” 

“That's not fair. You are sick, Jack.  You weren't caring for yourself. You.. you got too involved with that murder. You were hurting yourself,” Emma struggled with tears. “I want to take you home.”

“Oh like I'm some kind of fookin dog? Emma you and Martin made it clear I belong here. She's right, maybe it was all dad. That's traumatic you know.” 

“You deserve someplace warm! A home. Please, Jack. I found this in your things.” She slid a newspaper clipping towards her brother. “That's the boy who drowned. Why.. why didn't you tell me?” 

“Loads of kids drown in pools,” Jack stated bluntly with a shrug. “Why should your pool be any different?” 

“I never said it was our pool.” 

“I recognized the address in the article”

“Jack, it's from two years ago.” 

“I got lucky. Ah we doon here? I have walls to stare at. Here Billy you can have this back,” from between his knees he produced a glass paperweight with a scorpion inside. “Tell all ya mates Crazy Uncle Jack sends his loov” 

Jack tried to stand but Emma grabbed his arm. This was Rin’s cue to swoop in. She swiftly moved from her table to theirs. 

“JACKIE!’ I've been looking for you everywhere!” His eyes panicking in her direction. “I'm Wren,” she took her glove off and reached a scarred hand in Emma's direction. “But my brother couldn't say it so you can call me Rin” She smiled brightly. 

Emma tentatively shook Rin’s hand, smiling in turn.  Rin took a moment as her mind’s eye zoned in on what was inside of Jack’s sister.  It was a loneliness, a desperation to take care of her little brother but protect her son from the same fate.  But most importantly Rin felt a small tingling of warmth from somewhere deep inside of Emma’s heart.  It was white and pure and instantly recognizable as hope.  Even though it was tiny it was growing and starting to spread, and Rin knew Emma was eager to share that with her brother.

“Wow,” Rin blurted, “I wish my brother was as invested in me as you are.  You’re a good person, Emma.  Trust me,” she winked.  “Woman’s intuition.”

Emma narrowed her eyes and studied the crazed looking woman standing between her and Jack.  The scars on Rin’s hand raised some alarms, but Emma ignored them.  She omitted a relief and let go, “Well thank you.  Can you talk some sense into my brother?”

Moments later, with the visitors gone, Rin sat down in Emma’s place.  “Thank you is a start,” she teased Jack. 

He rolled his eyes and slowly turned in her direction to face her dead on.  The intensity of his eyes took Rin by surprise.  “Thank you,” the sarcasm poured like a waterfall.

Rin took off her other glove.  “Now, Mr-”

“Jack is fine.”

“Jack.  Tell me,” Rin feigned a German accent, “Und why do zey sink you are crazy.”   

He blinked slowly.

“You got sectioned.  What bullshit excuse did they force you to believe?  Because it seems like Lovely Emma is desperate to get you out, and we know how hard that is.”

Jack took an impossibly deep breath, “Schizo-effective disorder with some dissociation, post traumatic stress disorder, non-suicidal self injury disorder and depression.”

“Fuck me, that's a trail mix of bonkers. Now ask me” 

Jack closed his eyes. They were shut for so long that Rin was certain he had fallen asleep having given in to his meds. His hunched, thin body sort of folded a bit in on itself. A moment of possible self-soothing when he started to sway. 

“Jack?” Rin's tone fell quietly with concern. She poke his arm carefully avoiding touching the skin. “Darling what cocktail did these quacks put you on.” She was an expert after all these years; if the drugs were working, no way would he be this much of a zombie.

Green blank eyes hidden behind enviable eyelashes attempted to focus “Seroquel. Clozapine?” His words start to slur a bit. “Fine. How fucking barmy are you?”

“Well,”  the young woman softened, “I have suicidal ideations with self-injury tendencies myself, severe clinical depression, a bit of the old borderline personality disorder and wait for it..”  she practically whispered a few inches from Jack’s face, “total emotional attachment to partners.”  

The skin around Jack’s eyes crinkled as he squinted just enough to indicate his hazed brain was trying to process everything Rin just unloaded. His lips parted to speak but he paused resulting in a gobsmacked expression.  “You’re barking.”

“Says the sexy scarecrow with journo clippings of dead boys.”  Rin pursed her lips and crossed her arms, “Why are you really in here Jack.”

“I’m fucking mad.” It was matter of fact.

“To quote the Cheshire Cat, we’re all mad here, love.  Look at me,” she held her hands aloft to display gnarled and prominent scars covering both hands in their entirety.  “I developed a gift or two by primary school.  See I can touch a person, and I know what they are feeling.  Except it.. It goes deeper than that.  I can PICTURE their true selves.  It’s a bit overstimulating, but no one can lie to me.  Not really.  Doesn’t do much for my sex life.  Or lack of one really.  Honestly, you put a cock in your mouth only to find out the guy you’re with is fantasizing about slitting your throat and wanking in your blood.”

Jack shook his head, “Jesus christ.”

“Well yes! My parents were religious zealots, right?  They got wind of my gifts.  Tried to use me in the church, but I rebelled.  Long story short, darling Mumsy and Papa decided if they may be stuck my hands in boiling grease I wouldn’t be able to use it anymore.  It’s not in my hands though.  It’s in my skin,” Rin smiled almost pleasantly. “Sometimes I get a bit over the edge.  I stop shielding myself from the pure air around folks, I suffocate in it.  Then,” now she held out her wrists, “I have my little accidents.”

Jack’s mouth hung agape.  His brows furrowed in confusion, “You are off you’re fucking nut.”

“That’s all relative.  Now, you can tell me why they REALLY sectioned you.  What power or ability are they masquerading as mental illness, or I can find out my way.”  Rin shrugged. 

“Why the fuck do you care?  I’m sleeping at night.  I have food and a bed and a shower.”

“Und electro-shock zerapy, und coma inducing psychopharmaceuticals, und most importantly you has lost your voice und a chance to harness your ability correctly.”  that mock German accent again.  “You shouldn’t be here, Jack.  Emma certainly doesn’t think so, and neither do I.  You’re special.  Or that bitch shrink wouldn’t have made you the living dead.”

Jack snorted followed by a rather loud.  “Just fuck off. Fuck off.  Fuck off.  FUCK OFF!” he screamed in Rin’s face.  Not once did she flinch, arms crossed again in a challenge. Disgusted by her, Jack kept bellowing his words thick with anger and cotton from the meds, “I DON'T BELONG OUT THERE EITHER!  I DON'T BELONG IN HERE!  I DON’T FUCKING BELONG ANYWHERE. HE’S DEAD.  SHE’S DEAD.  EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THE CUNTS IS DEAD!  DEAD DEAD DYING!  JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” 

He shot up out of the chair to leave, but Rin caught his large hand.  Skin to skin, hands so small together they barely covered just his one.  Instantly her body stiffened as she gasped for air.  Tears immediately stung her eyes as she crammed them shut.  There in her mind was just a large body of water.  Ocean waves crashed overhead as she sank far below the surface.  Dark, cold, horrifying that sensation of being drowned.  Rin choked on the last bit of oxygen in her lungs and started to suffocate.  The hand she held brought her mind’s eye around to opening under the water to see Jack floating near-motionless in front of her.  It took all of her strength to push against the tide towards him where she held his face in her hands.  Death and decay flashed above them, the dead peering down from boats just waiting for Jack to return to the surface.

Rin strained to convey that tiny bit of hope Emma had passed along to her earlier as she pressed her forehead into Jack’s in the icy deep.  There was no reason in particular that she was drawn to him.  Not in the hospital or here trying to save him from drowning slowly. Was he attractive, undoubtedly, but that wasn’t all or it. Maybe it was now that she knew he was a messenger, a harbinger of death.  That was itself a form of an empathic gift.  Or it was just compassion. 

Suddenly Jack’s eyes burst open.  In that languid way your body moves underwater, he pushed her away.  His arms and legs thrashed around in a panic as if he only just realized he was allowing this place to kill him.  There was an instant loss, and Rin’s inner self slammed into a brick wall.  The physical Jack had severed the connection between her body and his.  To resurface that suddenly forced Rin gulping in blessed oxygen that she never really lost.  It was an illusion, where the two of them had been.  He really had shoved her back though, she realized that now.  Storming out of the visitation center, Jack left Rin alone to cry.

--------

Several days later

Rin lounged against the wall outside of Jack’s room with her gloves firmly in place.  Patients weren’t SUPPOSED to fraternize outside of the common rooms, but Rin had been here a few times before.  She knew which orderlies and nurses to finess, and which to avoid.  In this case Jerry was the giant, affable St Bernard of a man that kept watch in this particular hallway.

“Wren back so soon?” he teased. “What are you doing hanging around the human handbook for the recently deceased?” 

“Delightful, Jer.  How is he?  I mean really.” Rin hooked her thumb in the direction of the room.

“Easiest patient I’ve dealt with on account of he rarely speaks, pops his meds and keeps to himself.  Gave us a bit of a row when he first got here, but I like the guy.  I don’t know what to believe though.  His sister’s been sniffing around administratives.”  The orderly shrugged his massive shoulders.  “Heard you took quite the piss on visitation day.”

“I didn’t take the piss!” 

“Did ya do your handsy thing,” Jerry made jazz hands.

Rin’s eyes almost rolled back in her head, but suddenly there was a figure in the doorway which caused her to jump.  “How about we don’t talk about the nutter like he isn’t 10 feet away and only 27 years old?” Jack insisted.  His arms crossed and shoulders sagged in their usual way.  

“Can we talk?”  

Before Jack could truly answer, Rin had already pushed past him and sat down on his bed.  His mouth hung somewhat agape before he eventually joined her.  Jack attempted to sit close, just for some human contact, but the young woman beside him shied away.

“Right,” a retort.  “You’ve started being just as bloody fucking annoying as they were.”

Startled, “Who?”

“You know those.. Schizo delusions I’m here for.”

“The dead?”

Jack’s green eyes narrowed and Rin knew there was a sarcastic remark just sitting there waiting to be released.  Instead he curled his posture as if he was trying to fold in on himself.  Make himself smaller, less noticeable.  “Dissociations sparked by my father’s suicide.”

“Psycho babble bullshit jargon.  Congratulations, you’ve become a parrot.”  Rin waved her hand, “Jack has anyone ever-.”  There was a hesitation.  

“Has anyone ever what? Go on, enlighten me then”

Rin started stripping her gloves off but thought better of it.  A sense of foreboding, of drowning and clutching her chest for hair flashed across her mind.  The loneliness emanated from Jack without her touch. That empathic conduction of her skin.  Reaching instead to place the soft leather against his cheek, her thumb brushed his bottom lip.  Her eyes searched for him in that moment where time stood still before a mouth replaced a thumb.  

To not only Rin’s surprise but his own, Jack didn’t recoil.  His body relaxed as instinct took hold. There was a fervor in hands that got tangled up in hair.  Tongues fought each other as arms made their way around bodies in an embrace.  They held one another tight, the desperation apparent.  

The spell broke when Jack laid Rin down on the bed and let his warm mouth trail down her neck. He was awkward and hungry like a teenager.  He fumbled around her chest to attempt massaging her breast. 

A snort came from Rin simply to hide the panic of rushing water when Jack’s lips came into contact with her skin.  Maybe hers found it easier to beg off that inner eye from opening, but now she didn’t have a choice.  They weren’t as deep with the surface just rippling only a few inches away.  

Before she started to lose oxygen again, Rin began to squirm.  “ Stop.  Please?”

Jack sat up and faced forward as if nothing had transpired.  His cheeks flushed and a hand tugged at his tee-shirt embarrassingly then stuffed between his legs. He blinked a few times as he breathing calmed. 

“I only came to ask you if anyone had ever shown you affection.  Held you.  Emma.. Emma”  Rin inhaled deeply as she forced Jack to hold her glove hand.  “I know she sort of longs to hug you.”  Back on his cheek to make him look at her. “Obviously I got my answer,” she laughed. 

Jack silently replied by pushing his forehead into Rin's.  They laid down again this time with their heads on his pillow legs and arms tangled up in each other. Jack nuzzled the edge of his nose into the skin behind her ear; her breath caught. Then the couple seemingly melted together.

“Jack you seem less-” fingers twisted up in his curls.

“Like a walking coma patient?” hand gripped the thick of her thigh.  Then reaching a shelf above Rin Jack seized one of those creepy glass paperweights housing a floating tarantula. Turning it over underneath to show a tiny white envelope. “I started hiding my meds. Pass them along to my sister when she visits.”

Just under the surface of the water, still struggling for air exploded before Rin's eyes. Perhaps she had passed something between Emma and Jack. Was it her own faith that was transmitted to him? That first touch that woke him up after all this time. 

The next few weeks became a game of trial and error. Of how little or much Rin and Jack could consume of each other.  Kissing was no longer an issue once the meds began to wear off, lips and tongues and mouths. It felt more like standing ankle deep in a bathtub. Warm and comforting; it was Jack that was overpowering.  

Eager to make up for a very long very lost amount of time. He stumbled along Rin's body uneasily because of how little clothing she removed at first. Not that he was in a rush to reveal what was underneath his oversized shirt and sweatpants. He wasn’t the one recoiling when the stimulation overwhelmed.  

“I'll take off my shirt. Touch me here, but where the fabric of my bra is. Tease the nipple with just your fingertips. No that's.. maybe under? Touch them. Oh God. Now your mouth. Right there.  Are you.. you took your shirt off too?” (She marveled at how defined, muscular Jack's body seemed despite his slight stature)   

Jack took initiative now and slid his fingers inside of Rin. He pumped them a few times guided by her ``Oh.. maybe you can touch me.. Do you feel.. It’s like a bud or a kernel.. Here let me.. It’s just right.. OH GOD.  Right like.. ”   And she would ride his hand and fingers that circled that bud.  

Rin would cry out in surprise.  Her body exploded in ecstasy. They weren't drowning anymore. Just swimming, bobbed under the water and surface. It was the sense-memory of suffocating, coupled with the dazzling pleasure of Jack's warm tongue as it teased her nipples, his strong fingers teasing her clit at the same time. His hot skin meshed with hers washed out by fear.  She apologized as they scrambled to arrange themselves. 

“Don't think I'm going anywhere for quite some time, my love.”  His words changed with the possessive my in lieu of the once meaningless sentiment. He would steal a chaste kiss from Rin whose cheeks flushed to match his own as he made that familiar adjustment between his legs.  In the future, Rin would come to him without a bra but reluctant to take her shirt off when Jack kept on never minding.

Jerry became an ally of sorts. He always had been on Rin's side after she read him her second section. It wasn't difficult to get him to believe in Jack's abilities. Staff has whispered down the corridors that Jack had suddenly found himself aware of a suicide attempt.  That dead reporter Emma mentioned, his fiancé had taken more pills than Rin ever fathomed any number of her attempts. (She had a flare for dramatics: slit wrists) Jerry mentioned Jack had a tantrum the likes of a toddler screaming the name Sarah whatever over and over, pounding his fists into his head to make whatever haunted him. Sure enough, this Sarah was found nearly having bled out and foaming at the mouth. 

“How would he even fucking know, poppet? Not unless Jack really was chatting up her dead fiancé “ As if that was all he needed, Jerry turned his back and caused distractions all the nights the Empath and her Beautiful Broken Man longed to be together.

It was stunning the way Jack learned to manipulate the system.  Only Rin, and reluctantly Jerry, knew he pocketed his meds.  Safely tucked away in those ugly arachnid globes in the pockets or purse of Billy and Emma.  He started talking more in group therapy and far less in private sessions.  Engaged in conversations with his sister and nephew, true ones that resulted in a simple smile or a laugh free from a facetious tone.  To the staff and doctors those fucking psychopharmeceuticals worked.  To Jack’s sister and nephew and whatever Rin was to him, there was a slowly lifting weight making the air around him lighter. Yet Rin kept her hands to herself.

More trial and error.  In the midst of fervent kisses, Rin took Jack in her hand.  A stroke or two was all she got in before he spasmed and came.  The mortification that flashed in his eyes as he curled in a fetal position between her and the wall while she whispered reassurances in his ear.  Touching him, caressing him and eventually taking him into her mouth became easier and longer with practice and patience.  

They laughed into each other’s mouths before Rin let her tongue trail down over his stomach. Anxiously Jack took off his pants and boxers, lying backwards.  He held the back of her head, moaned and twisted as she licked and sucked on him. His hips bucked and thrust upwards.  

-------------------

Present Day, Again

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed Rin. Tongue pushed inside of her, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered,  just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me?”

Rin took a moment to think.  He wasn’t drowning anymore.  She could push that old feeling out of her third eye and bury herself in new ones.  She took a hold of her shirt and tossed it on the floor.  She took the erection that twiced against her thigh and held it just outside of her pulsating and ready sex.  With hands that sunk into her vunerable skin, Jack buried himself inside of her. 

That fire from Emma all that time ago poured from Jack’s body into hers.  It pushed back the water as he pumped rhythmically into Rin.  Building into a frenzy quickly, his pelvis crashed into hers before she could really come around to what was happening.  It briefly conquered the fears from before; caused hot tears to spring to her eyes that flowed uncontrolled down her cheeks.

In his fervor, Jack noticed and bent to kiss them away.  The gesture she had made that first time, a thumb brushed across her cheek and lower lip as he slowed his pace. Wren,” he took to calling her that tentatively.  “What is it?”

Before she could answer, Jack became distracted by something in the corner of the room.  Eyes passed between Rin and whatever it was that she couldn’t fathom or see.  She took his chin and focused it on her as they crashed together and apart again in another wave of building friction. It was too late though, he had abruptly pulled out and away from her. 

“NO!  STOP!  LEAVE ME ALONE!  CAN’T I HAVE ONE MOMENT OF FUCKING HAPPINESS WITHOUT ONE OF YOU LOOMING OVER ME LIKE A FUCKING PERV.”  He used fists to beat out a rhythm on his temples as he scurried to the corner of his bed with knees up to his chest.  

In the frenzy, Rin had been knocked to the floor.  Jerry had rushed in, he was never too far away just in case.  In a whirlwind, he picked Rin up with one hand and with the other attempted to intervene between Jack's fists and his head.  What could either of them do?  If attention was drawn to the room, surely the doctors would realize Jack had gone unmedicated for weeks.  Jerry’s eyes wide gestured towards Rin’s hands.  She shook her head, but Jack carried on.  

“Go on Jenny Wren, there has to be something your hands can do.  I’ll lose my job and you’ll be separated.  They’ll put him back in the Zoo.”  He was already yanking her arms forward and trying to remove her gloves before she could consent.

Rin knew The Zoo. It being rooms that could be monitored with two way mirrors.  You got a bed and a blanket.  They controlled when the lights came on and when they turned them off.  No privilege, no real structure.  They fed you, bathed you, and gave you “playtime” when they said.  No matter how you suffered from mental illness no one deserved that. She would never forgive herself.

“JERRY LET ME DO IT MYSELF!”  Rin bellowed if only to out yell Jack and his fit.  “Make her go away!  LEAVE ME ALONE” he cried underneath her.  Her hands free, she flexed them a few times before joining Jack on the bed.  She clutched his forearms and struggled to get a grip enough to pull them away from self-harm.  “JACK!  YOU HAVE GOT TO FUCKING STOP, MY DARLING.”  She slid her hands over his temples before he could punch them anymore.  She used the heels of her palms and pressed.  

It was immediate, the way her mind opened to him.  This time he was floating along the tide in a boat surrounded by what Rin could only guess were dead people.  They grabbed and tugged on Jack’s clothes.   Rin sat on the other side from him between two oars; she used one to swat at the ghosts who tried to pull them back in.  But there, walking along the surface, was a beautiful young woman.  Blonde hair flowed in waves down her back.  Sarah.

“You said we would be together, Jack.”  She was angry.  “That’s what you told him when he warned you I overdosed.  I survived that attempt, but not the second one.  Where is he Jack?  Why isn’t he here waiting for me?”

Jack stood up and the boat began to dangerously rock. Rin took his hand and he squeezed it in return.  He bellowed at the dead woman, “YOU SURVIVED AND HE MOVED ON.  I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BEING FUCKING STUPID, SARAH.  WHAT I TOLD YOU WAS MEANT TO EASE YOUR GUILT.  HE LOVED YOU.  YOU WERE SO LOVED.  HE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR MISTAKES.  YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME ALONE.  ALL OF YOU.  I’M FUCKING DONE.  MOVE ON.  GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.  I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE OF MY KIND.  AND FUCK OFF BILLY TOO, MATE.”

“Jack?”  Rin spoke softly.  The hands gripped her tight in place of him.  They started to pull her in with him because he was useless now.  He stood up to them for possibly the first time in twenty years.  They would take her instead then.  

Jack seized Rin’s body before she could go over in his place.  He held her fast and tight and shielded her from them.  “NO.  You don’t fucking get ANYONE I love.  Not Billy.  Not Emma.  Not Martin.  No Wren or Rin.  AND YOU DON’T FUCKING GET ME ANYMORE.”  He took the oar up in his free hand and swung it around the bodies in the water.  He jabbed it forward like a sword at Sarah still pacing the side of the boat.  “GO, SARAH.  HE’S WAITING FOR YOU.  I PROMISE THIS TIME”  Jack insisted and pleaded.

Then it was so silent it deafened both Jack and Rin as they clung to one another in the boat.  In a flash and explosion, they separated and landed back on the bed in the room in an institution.  Jerry panted and pawed at the two of them dazed and uncertain.  Jack blinked a handful of times with no recollection of what just took place in his head and Rin’s.  They never knew or remembered Rin had learned.

Jack scoured the room for any sign of Sarah or anyone else.  He rubbed his eyes a few times then sighed heavily.  “I.. I want to go back to my room now.”  It was matter of fact.  

Jerry nodded and helped him back into his clothes.  Jack stumbled a bit but managed to kiss Rin sweetly before being led away and down the hall.  Rin knew Jerry would probably give him something to help him sleep at least for the night and probably into tomorrow.  She was afraid Jack had woken up a second time.  Not just from his nightmare of the last twenty years, but whatever happened between them.  It was a price she had to pay sometimes when she helped.  There was something Rin longed to say earlier.  What made her cry was an ember somewhere deep inside of Jack that he had never experienced before.  For the first time in his life, he had hope.

[rnufharose]

Chapter 1

Words: About 2K

Warnings: None. Maybe some violence and a character death.

Every child is an artist.

The problem is how she can remain as such when she grows up.

It all begins with just one moment—the moment she picks up a crayon, a marker, a piece of colored chalk, or maybe a paintbrush. She uses the color red, maybe blue, or green, until her imagination blossoms and creates her hopes and dreams.

And what were her dreams? What dreams did she embrace? What honor did she protect? Well, she did many things, but as time passed and as the Planet was being sucked dry, so was the landscape. All she could see was the green lights, the iron skyline against the vibrant blue sky, reminiscent of an important person's eyes, and soon, each and every canvas was the same. The same buildings in the distance, the same children on their bicycles, the same young couple that held hands, the same schoolboy who fumbled with his phone.

To Ann, embracing her dreams was becoming much more difficult as time passed. Her time in Midgar wasn't as beautiful as it used to be when she first arrived.

It was when she was fourteen years old. She had saved up all of her money and left her hometown of Gongaga to follow her older brother where she too wanted to make it big in the greatest city on the Planet. She wanted to be an artist that would make people smile. She wanted her works to grace the canvases of every gallery where people would come from all over the sectors to see what she had painted next.

While her brother climbed the ladder and became a renowned SOLDIER for Shinra, Ann continued studying, spending the late-night hours perfecting her skills in sketching or painting while her brother slept away, his snoring sounding throughout the apartment. When she turned eighteen, she had been accepted into Midgar University, taking her place in its prestigious art program, but things changed. Ann's life grew dull, the warm and cool and pastel colors that were her world reduced to black and white, and she wasn't the same anymore.

She never picked up the color sky blue. She never looked up at the blue sky on a clear day. That very shade of blue became a constant reminder of what she had lost, and she would never see him again.

Ann was seated in her studio apartment, looking at the blank canvas propped on her easel, the city lights of Midgar just through the wide window with the skyscrapers of Sector 8 towering in the distance, Mako energy tinting the landscape a bright green with no stars to be seen in the night sky. She should have been working on her art project but she didn't feel like picking up her paintbrush, the shades of red acrylic on her palette untouched.

She breathed a heavy sigh, looking down at her lap where her hands were clasped, only to look back up when she heard a knock on her door. The brunette stood up, blue eyes set on the door, and she crossed the apartment to see just who had arrived.

"Helloooooo," a sweet voice called from the other side, and Ann knew just who it belonged to.

She unlocked the door and pulled it open, coming face-to-face with the one person who made her a life a little more vibrant. There she stood—a slightly older girl with big green eyes and an optimistic smile. Her brown hair was planted into a rope braid, tied back with a pink ribbon, and she wore a laced necktie with a flower charm along with a red bolero jacket, a pastel pink dress, and boots.

"Annie!" She greeted, wrapping her arms around the younger girl and giving her a tight hug, smelling of lilies. "Ooh, I missed you so much!" She always said that even when she had only seen her the day before.

"Hey, Aerith," Ann spoke softly before allowing her inside, closing the door behind them as the other girl walked toward the table, putting down her basket of flowers.

"I brought you those red roses you love so much," Aerith said as she took one step toward the kitchen area, opening the cabinet and pulling out an empty glass vase. "I figured you can brighten up this place. You need to surround yourself with more flowers."

"You don't have to do that," Ann chuckled a bit. "Do you want anything? Tea, maybe?"

"I'm afraid I can't stay for too long. I have more flowers to sell. You know what they say," she spoke as she filled the vase with water. "Midgar full of flowers, your wallet's full of money!"

He said that, Ann thought, walking back toward the easel and picking up the palette, washing off the acrylic in the kitchen sink.

"I see you haven't painted anything yet. Artist's block again?" Aerith wondered with an innocent tilt of her head and Ann gave a nod.

"You could say that," she said tiredly. "Sometimes... I just think I should just quit and go back to Gongaga..."

"You can't do that!" The flower girl gasped, walking away from the vase and standing at Ann's side, holding her arm with both hands, her brows furrowed with concern. "If you leave, then I'll never see you again! You're my best friend, Annie, and I'll be sad if you go..."

"Things just aren't the same anymore, Aerith," Ann shook her head, her eyes closed. "It's been a year, and nothing has changed... my world is dull... everywhere I look, all I think about is him."

Aerith pressed her lips together, gazing at the younger girl in silence, her eyes becoming melancholy. She knew exactly who Ann was referring to. That person she spoke of was important to her as well. He was the one who fell from the sky and into her bed of flowers. He was the one who helped her face of fear of the sky. His smile, his heart, his laughter, his dreams—they all became a part of her until she fell for him.

Her twenty-three wishes, her eighty-nine letters—they were all so she could see him again. Through him, she met Ann, and they became as close as sisters, and when she sensed his death a year ago, it kept her closer to Ann. She had to look after her and make sure she was okay. It hurt Aerith just as much, but she took comfort in the fact that he simply returned to the Planet.

She would see him again at one point... just not right now.

"I know," Aerith hugged Ann close, stroking her hair. "But he's always with us. You can't let his passing stop you from living. He would want you to embrace your dreams too. He will be so proud of you when you become a famous artist." She looked up for a moment, her gaze distant. "You have to keep his memory alive, and I've been doing the same thing. If I just sell more flowers, I know he'll be happy. That's what we've always wanted."

It seemed like it was only yesterday when the three of them were together. In his free time or when Ann wasn't in school, they would spend all of their time in the Sector 5 slums or the Church where Aerith's flowers grew, and they would make the best memories. They were a family and their future seemed bright, but somewhere in the back of her mind, Aerith wished she had stopped him from leaving for his mission that day, and Ann wished she had stopped him as well.

Zack... Ann thought, her eyes glistening with the onset of tears. I wish I could have told you I love you one last time... then maybe... my big brother best friend forever would still be here right now...

"Why don't we go out?" Aerith offered, pulling away from Ann and reaching forward to wipe away her tears with her thumbs before they could fall down her cheeks. "Turn those corners up. Selling a few flowers will put a pretty smile on your face and cure your artist's block!"

The younger girl was ready to politely decline, but she decided not to. Instead, she gave a single nod, the corners of her lips turning up slightly, "Alright... let's head out and sell some flowers."

"Hurray!" Aerith chirped happily, gathering her basket, and Ann gave a slight chuckle, walking toward the closet to pull out her weapon—a red rapier with a rose and gold thorns, along with three Materia slots in the hilt. It was a gift from Zack on her sixteenth birthday, and he had taught her how to wield a sword. There were more monsters in the city back when he was alive and he felt she needed to learn to protect herself in case he wasn't around.

She grabbed it, placing it at her hip where her belt held onto her red skinny jeans with black designs along the left pant leg that looked like rose petals. She grabbed her white leather jacket with its red hoodie, slipping it over her black fitted cropped shirt, and she faced the flower girl. "Ready to head out?"

"Mm-hmm," Aerith grinned, giving her a single nod, and Ann grabbed her keys. They stepped out of the apartment, locking it behind them before walking down the hallway toward the elevator, ready to fill Midgar with Aerith's vibrant yellow lilies.

******

It hadn't been long since they had left the apartment building. The streets of Midgar continued to bustle, its citizens chattering and walking about while the tires of cars raced forth and splashed against puddles. Ann and Aerith were walking through LOVELESS Avenue, the busiest street in Sector 8 which was the center of art and business. It was famous for residents who were studying in that field, as well as employees of Shinra or even the rich folks that purchased penthouse apartments at the top of the residential area. There was the local café, the art museum just down the block, the theatre where hit musicals and plays, including LOVELESS, had been held. There was the convenience store, the boutiques, the concert hall, the fountain at the center of the city sector, and just down the stairs several blocks away was the Sector 1 station.

Aerith had come to a stop in the alleyway between LOVELESS Theatre and the adjacent building, her emerald green eyes on a pipe that was slightly severed, a greenish-blue light coming out from it.

Ann had noticed her come to a halt, curiously eyeing the small light in the alleyway, "Aerith? Is everything okay?"

The flower girl was compelled to go near the light, stepping toward it and away from the busy street, crouching before the light and clasping her hands together in prayer.

Ann followed after her, standing above the slightly older woman and watching the green lights release something akin to embers. "Aerith?" She tried to grab her attention, but she was still engrossed in praying, her eyes closed. This wasn't the first time she had seen her best friend do something like this. It was almost like she was a divine being capable of sensing something otherworldly, but Ann chalked it up to her just being her quirky self as always, never questioning her.

"I hear them," Aerith spoke softly. "They're crying... they're in pain... they want help..."

"Who does?" Ann wondered, but the other girl didn't answer her. Instead, she stood up, having finished listening to the voices that echoed in her head, but her blood ran cold, the sound of howling coming from the other side of the alleyway. She flinched and looked the other way, her brows furrowed, shoulders tense.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Ann inquired. Obviously, she couldn't hear the howling, but she could see the way Aerith had tensed, her eyes in the other side of the alleyway.

"I'm fine," she began before turning away, walking back toward the busy street. "L-Let's get out of here..."

"Wait!" Ann called out, following after her and still perplexed at her friend's frightened expression, and she bumped into a pedestrian, exclaiming slightly as the flowers in her basket fell to the ground.

"Hey, watch where you're going, chick!" The man barked, and the flower girl's eyes widened apologetically, bowing before him several times.

"I'm so sorry!"

He grunted, walking away and grumbling every curse word in his vocabulary while she stayed in her ninety-degree bow.

She gave a huff, straightening her stance, eyes darting toward her feet before her lips parted. "Oh no!" Aerith gasped, kneeling to grab the assortment of yellow lilies and red tulips that had fallen out of the basket.

Ann dropped her shoulders, opting to help her, grabbing the flowers as quickly as she could before anyone could step on them, and once Aerith reached for the last lily, another passerby walked past them, stepping on the flower, crushing the petals underneath his boot, and the flower girl's heart sank a little.

When he was gone, she gathered the flower in her hand, touching the petals delicately. She sighed heavily in defeat, holding it to her chest, "You poor thing..." she couldn't stand it when people stepped on flowers. "Normally... people are more careful with flowers... but he didn't even bat an eye..."

Ann looked over her expression with pity and melancholy. She knew how important flowers were to Aerith. Back when she first met her, she recalled the big scolding Zack had received when he almost stepped on her flowers. "Not many people see them in the city," Ann frowned, holding her shoulder in comfort while giving her the rest of the flowers that weren't harmed. "They often take such beauty for granted..."

"I wish they didn't," she mourned, lifting her gaze to look up to the nearly black sky, covered in smog, Mako energy, and light pollution.

"One day, I want to fill the whole city with flowers," Aerith continued. "But how can I do that when the Planet is crying out in pain?"

Ann wasn't sure how to answer that. Slowly, she pulled her hand away from Aerith's shoulder, lifting her gaze toward the sky, and she too gazed at how starless it was. Back in Gongaga, she would have seen so many of them, but this was Midgar, the iron city, and there was clearly something wrong. Zack... she thought. What would you do?

******

Somewhere in another part of Sector 8, the train was pulling into the Sector 1 station near Mako Reactor 1. Atop the train, on one of the many cars, someone was kneeling, baby blue eyes set on his destination ahead, the wind blowing in his spiky blonde hair. His hand grasped the hilt of his giant broadsword tightly before bringing it against his forehead, almost like he was paying respect to it. Then, he set it on his back, standing up from his crouched position.

He was tall, with a lithe, well-built frame, his face fair with the lightest dust of freckles dotting the bridge of his nose and cheeks. He had a tall nose, thin lips, his eyes glowing with Mako energy. He wore leather and metal gauntlets, a pauldron on his left shoulder, and the garbs of a SOLDIER First Class.

The train came to a halt, pulling into the station where two Shinra troopers were on patrol. He hid in the shadows, waiting for the right time to strike, and the troopers inspected the train before one of them was pulled into one of the cars, knocked unconscious by a young man on the heavy side who wore a yellow t-shirt, denim shorts, a red bandana, and some belts and armor.

The remaining Shinra troopers had realized his partner had been immobilized, and he followed the sound of his pained grunt, his machine gun at the ready, but another male had captured him—a young man of the same age with scruff on his face, brown spiked hair and a bandana on his own forehead. He wore a t-shirt, protective gear, and fatigues, and while he held the captured trooper, a third person appeared.

The woman kicked the trooper in the stomach, a smirk gracing her pink lips. Her hair was tied in a ponytail and she wore breastplates over her blue shirt with brown fatigues. She giggled and watching her friend set the trooper to the ground and finally, came the leader of their little group.

He was a burly male with dark skin and tattoos, a crew cut, scars on his cheek, and a gun for an arm. His shades covered his eyes and he wore a sleeveless vest along with a wife-beater, dog tags, cargo pants, and a belt. He turned toward the top of the train, speaking in a gruff voice, "Get down here, merc."

The blonde male complied, making a grand entrance as he flipped off the train, looking ahead toward the end of the platform. It was time for their bombing mission.

My name is Cloud. SOLDIER First Class