#perhaps thats why he was so helpful in getting people out... he knew billy was one of those people

[bunnygibson]

sickening that we didn't see hickey and billy and interact at all at the carnival... where was their bridglar hug when hickey realized his new husband didn't literally burn up in a fire while he was busy fucking twinks and pissing on the ground

[collectionofcherries]

👀couldnt help but notice you talking about hannibal in your billy loomis imagine 👀 also couldnt help but to notice thats in your fandom list 👀 maybe you should shoot your shot with an imagine with hanni 👀

So over on my Naruto blog I did a little fluff piece called Morning Coffee that everyone seemed to enjoy so I thought I'd bring it here. It’s a simple concept, it follows your morning to the start of your cup to the end of it. Hope you enjoy! --- ☕ Morning Coffee ☕

---

written in the mind-frame of a Female!Reader but there are no pronouns mentioned nor gender specific anatomical body parts.  Warnings: None, flirting with the idea of smut but no actual smut. Sexual longing maybe? Word Count: 1,155

--- Hannibal Lecter

   Having coffee with a friend shouldn't have been this stressful, being this stressed in the morning couldn't be good for you but it wasn't like you could help it. How are you supposed to dress for morning coffee with a man who practically lives in three piece suits? Formal? Business casual? Casual casual? Your clothing covered floor seemed to bare no answers as you stared at what you swore was everything you owned...had everything always been this ugly? God! Why did you even propose a breakfast together? Hannibal does dinner but no you had to pitch breakfast to be different and try to impress him, yeah you're sure he'd be impressed by the amount of clothing on the floor. If you'd been like everyone else and just gone for dinner you'd have more time to try on clothes but a look at the clock told you that you had to leave now or you'd be late and that'd be terrible, that'd be rude and Hannibal can't stand people who're rude. However messy your floor was it was worth it for the compliment you got when Hannibal opened his door to greet you. “I don't see you in colour often, red looks lovely on you.”     Well, guess you're wearing red for the rest of your life.     "Oh thank you.” Finds it's way out of your throat as your face is painted the colour that apparently looks lovely on you.     “Please, come in.” He welcomes stepping to the side to allow room.    You never gave much thought to what a foyer could be, yours is technically where you just kick off your shoes and put your keys but this, this was proper foyer. Just the entrance to his house was nice. God it was big too, he could probably rent it out to a poor college kid for like 500 bucks if he wanted not that he looked like he needed the extra money. Did you even know how to say Foyer properly? You bet Hannibal did, without a doubt he knew all those fancy French words--was that word even French? Oh no, what if you were stupid and it wasn't French? What if this wasn't even a foyer? How dumb were you? H-- hands came up to your shoulders jolting you out of your spiral. Hannibal gently pulls the edges of your jacket and you immediately understand. “Thank you.” You repeat once again.    He smiles with a nod as he slides your jacket off of you with your help and hangs it up on a beautiful wood stand you're sure costs more than half your rent. Thinking about how much money was within these walls could make your head spin but that spinning is halted by the soothing tones of his voice. “Lost in thought?” He inquired.    “Uh, just early morning brain fog you know?” You try to bluff.    It's not convincing but he nods anyway. “Perhaps some coffee would help.”     “Sounds good.” You agree.    Following him through his house only furthers your awe, you could spent a lifetime in here just looking at stuff. “I thought it'd be pleasant to make breakfast together instead of having it ready, eating together is one experience but preparing a meal is another entirely.” He explained    The idea of sharing an experience with Hannibal was one that filled you with butterflies, the more you thought about it you didn't think you'd heard of Hannibal cooking with anyone else, maybe the stress of this morning would pay off after all. “I'm not a chef but I'll do my best, what're we making?”     “Uova al purgatorio.” Which leads to a bit of a blank stare on your end, as pretty as it sounds you've got no idea what that means. “It's an Italian dish, eggs in Purgatory.” He explained.    “Sounds interesting.” You quip.    “It is, the name comes from the eggs sitting in a tomato base, the white of the eggs floating within the red sauce giving the illusion of souls trapped within the unknown of Purgatory.” He explains as he prepares the boiling water for your coffee. “Even at breakfast it seems we wonder where our souls go to lay.”     “Well makes sense for Italy home of the Pope, I'm sure there's religious overtones at most meals.”    He smiles a little and nods. “During my time in Italy it truly does surround you, it's an interesting feeling, almost euphoric to be encapsulated by it at every

turn.” He remarked.    “Wow, you spent time in Italy? It looks beautiful there.” You say, trying to stray a little further from the religious aspect, you don't exactly know where Hannibal falls on that spectrum and the last thing you want to do is come across rude or disrespectful to him. “Coffee smells great.” You add as he pours the boiling water into his very fancy looking French Press.    Your attempt to change subjects doesn't go unnoticed at all but he once again nods as he looks at you. “Yes, I traveled quite a bit in my youth, I called Italy my home for some time.” He explains.     “Do you ever miss it?” You ask    “I take with me what I relish in the places I've been, while I may no longer be surrounded by the Primavera or the walls of Santa Maria della Concezione dei Cappuccini they are ever present in my mind, reproduced with the utmost detail.” You could listen to Hannibal talk all day, it wouldn't matter what he said you just like the way he said things, the timbre of his voice. “Have you ever given thought to travelling?” He prodded.    “Course, who doesn't think about travelling? See far off places, experience new people, new things, different cultures.” You reminisce.    “What stops you?”     You shrug a little. “Funds mainly but I'd want to take the time to learn the language of where I'm going, understand the culture so I don't offend anyone. I don't want to be one of those tourists that makes an ass out of themselves.” You said cringing at the end.    “It's considerate to take the time to understand a culture you will not live in, many go on whims like they're visiting amusement parks.” He agreed. “Would Italy be a place you'd like to visit or would you find their taste for religion leaving a sour taste in your mouth?” He asked.    Did you really think you'd get out of a question Hannibal wanted answered? You shrugged a little once again trying to make sure you phrase things that wouldn't step on toes that were in shoes that likely cost more than your rent. “I'm unsure...I don't know if my broader and more open views would be welcome in the narrower scope of such a religious place and I wouldn't want to impose myself or my views upon anyone.” You slowly clamber out as he pours two cups of what smells like incredibly coffee. “Thank you.” You quickly add as you take it from his hands.    “While I do know you enough to welcome you into my home, I'm not sure if I know you well enough to know of the open views you believe would be scrutinized under the gaze of the Church. Do you speak a broader view of all religions? Racial rights? Sexual appetite?”     You stomach almost leaps into your throat at the last question, talking sexual appetites with someone who could feed that said appetite for the rest of your life? How were you supposed to talk about that? You didn't want to impose but you certainly didn't want to miss any chance of feeding that appetite. “All of the above, you know?” You pitch at first. “I'm a big believer in religious freedoms for everyone, from anywhere--just freedom for everyone in general.” You tackle first, that's the more important one and the one that won't get you into any trouble. “And um--yeah I suppose my sexual appetite wouldn't please the Church.” You say with a small laugh breaking your gaze from Hannibal and down at your coffee cup. “Not exactly a born again virgin.” Smooth. Great job. Wow. Fuck. Maybe you could drown yourself in this coffee? You take a sip and to spite being too shy to ask for sugar or milk this coffee is great, actually smooth. Unlike you. “This is great, what is this?” You try.    Why do you try? He always notices, you're luckier than you know that it endlessly amuses him rather than annoys him. “It's Peaberry Coffee from Tanzania, it's a rounder sweeter bean, almost tea like.” He explains, allowing for a moment for you to believe you've somehow fooled him into letting his prior question go thoroughly unanswered. “It can take a more refined palette to taste all the notes.” He remarks.    “I don't know how refined mine is, I just know it's nice.”

You admit with a small laugh.    “Usually our tongues know more than we think, close your eyes and allow the flavours to dance over your tongue.” He instructed.    Hannibal could tell you to jump off a cliff and if he said it nice enough you probably would. You take a small breath and take another sip and try your damnest to impress Hannibal if only even a little but as you swallow you know your guesses are little more than shots in the dark. “It's sweet...kind of like a berry...?” You weakly pitch.    You're not wrong but Hannibal can tell your guess isn't confident. “Do you know you have a habit of coming in on yourself when you're unsure of what you're saying?” He asks letting you know he's been on to you for much longer than you would have hoped. He comes around from his large kitchen island to stand in front of you and you fight the urge to step back and away which only adds to how hard your heart beats in your chest. “Coming in on ones self allows negative neurons to fire, by simply lifting your head you'll allude more confidence and though red looks lovely on you so does that.” That compliment alone made your head spin so his next action of bringing his warm hand up to gently lift your head? Your entire body felt weak. It was laughable that the simple touch of his thumb resting on your chin and his forefinger below it could have such an effect on you, looking up at him him with unsure eyes as to where this went next was laughable to him. You were putty in his hands, vulnerable in every meaning of the word. "Try again, close your eyes and when you take a sip allow it to work around your mouth, to explore every inch of your tongue.”    Was this porn? This could be porn, this might as well be porn as far as your body was concerned apparently. It took you a moment to actually get your limbs to move and grab your coffee again and it felt good to close your eyes, you liked Hannibal but being so close and having him stare back at you was overwhelming. And he knew it, there was something very satisfying about your kind of vulnerability, it was raw and open for him to touch and mold with his hands. You brought the cup to your lips and took another sip and once again tried to find a defined note in this coffee and maybe it was having your head tilted up, maybe it was having him so close but an answer did come from your mouth. “Cedar?”    Opening your eyes you knew you'd gotten it right by the contented look you were rewarded with. "I had a hunch your tongue knew more than you were letting on.” He teased.    He let his thumb trail back and forth on your chin before moving it away and your head felt like it was floating. “What does your tongue taste? I'm sure it's much more experienced than mine.”     You're sure if you didn't feel so floaty such a blatantly flirty question wouldn't have come out of you but it seemed to fly just fine as a small amused breath made it's way out of him. “Your assumption would be correct.” He let you know. “The notes in this coffee I've become very acquainted with over the years so it wouldn't be much of an exercise in taste for me to tell you them all. Perhaps another breakfast we could expand upon both our tongues.” Your entire body clenched and you had to practically drown out your whine of want by taking a sip of your coffee. “For now we'll be expanding on yours, come, wash up I'll show you how to make uova al purgatorio, a taste from my past.” He said walking back around the kitchen island.    You follow him around the island and with one last sip put your empty coffee cup into the sink. --- ~Admin Coral 🍒 Buy Me A Coffee?

[grotesquegabby]

☔️ Jelly and your choice uwu

a day to hang out, a day of friends. Jelly and Billy uwu I hope you enjoy

Rainy Day Cheers

It had been a while since Jelly and Billy had hung out just the two of them. They were in-laws now.

The day started out sunny with fluffy clouds in the sky, like cotton candy. The two talking about their little ones while sipping tea. “How is little Cordelia doing, are her and Davey getting along better now?” asked Billy. She nodded with a laugh, “It seems so, Daveys little face used to get so scrunched up when hed see her and shed cry but now they nap together.”

Billy chuckled, “That is adorable.” Jelly smiled, “So how is Harper doing? I hear he was a bit of a mommas boy to start.” “He seems to be letting me hold him and asking for me now in his own way. So its getting there and yes he is.” Billy smiled, “But that is fine, he has such a grumpy face all the time though I dont know where he gets it from.” He sipped his tea nonchalantly and Jelly smirked, “No idea huh.” He made a face, “not a clue” his hair flipped as he turned. He knew and she knew that he knew. And he knew that she knew that he knew.

The two of them had a few seconds of silence before they laughed before settling into a comfortable silence. “hmmm....makes me wonder how they will be when they get older.” he said quietly with a smile. Jelly shook her head, “I feel the same, but I try not to think about it too much. I dont want them growing up too fast.”

Billy nodded in agreement, “well lets not think about it too much right now then. How have you been, hows work?” “Work has been busy lately, sometimes people can be so infuriating. But I’m looking forward to a lot of the projects being finished. I just know they will go over amazingly.” She smiled at the end. Billy nodded, “Thats good to hear.” “How about you Billy, I’ve heard some things from Maggie working under you as your secretary.” Billy smirked, “oh my like what?~” Jelly laughed, “no no not like that well...” She had a smirk, “Anyway...I mean with business in general your people.” “ah my people..well they say dont eat your problems away but why not when its so easy to do~” He said with a grin. Jelly laughed a bit, “oh geez.” “I’m sure shes told you about some of the problems I got rid of that were..rude to her maybe not directly but still.” She nodded, “oh yeah I’ve heard of that. Some people...” He nodded in agreement.

When the two were done at the cafe they went out to shop. “I was thinking of getting a few things for Maggie while we are out. Would you mind helping me pick some out?” he asked her. Jelly grinned, “I would love too~ I have some ideas.” He smirked, “I did as well~” The two of them laughed quietly together. Maggie was most likely in for some surprises later.

Outside the skys blue became covered with light gray clouds. Yet no rain yet, just a cloudy day in the sky but this would not put a damper on their day.

Jelly and Billy shopped for themselves after picking out some outfits for Maggie.

“What do you think of this dress...too much?” asked Jelly. Billy had a look of thought, “Not at all in fact add some pearls to add more~”

“How many pearls?” she questioned. “a lot of pearls, they would look fantastic on you in this dress. Besides Pearls always look good on you, If not pearls, sapphires for sure.” He stated with a grin. Jelly looked in the mirror and also grinned, “they would look nice with this dress. Did you find something?”

“I found a nice white suit. But I dont want it too white, having trouble with ties and accessories but so much goes with white.” he sighed dramatically, “Its hard to pick.” Jelly thought, “Put it on and lets see, I might be able to help.” So he did, it didnt take long for Billy to go in and get into the white suit. He walked over to her, “So what do you think?” “It looks very nice, hmm Perhaps a black tie with a type of pattern in it, something you can see when you get close or it shines in the light.” Billy looked in the mirror, “that would look nice, its a nice detail too~” he smiled. “I noticed you have pierced ears, perhaps something there?” she said questioningly. “hmm I can do some black earrings as well, the type I can figure out later. and perhaps a brooch for my tie.” “That would be perfect~” stated Jelly.

They really needed to shop together more often.

By the time the two of them finished up shopping the weather had changed for the worse outside. It was pouring if one was to run out they would be soaked. “I forgot an umbrella, didn’t think it would rain.” Billy sighed. Jelly pulled out an umbrella and smiled, “Do you want to share an umbrella I can help you get to your car”

He smiled in return, “Thank you I appreciate it.” They both stood under the umbrella, enjoying a nice walk in the rain, and avoiding puddles as best they could.

Once they got to Billys car he thanked her again. “This was fun, we should do this more often.” he said with a contented smile. Jelly nodded in agreement, “Of course, lets see when we can meet up next.” They bid each other goodbye and went their separate ways home. Having had a wonderful day.

[doomedandstoned]

SÂVER: Raging At Darkness, Stepping Into Light

~By Billy Goate~

When I heard that former Tombstones members were forming a new band called SÂVER, I knew it was going to be doomy, but I don't think I was prepared for an album of such immense breadth and ferocity. You think Slomatics or Conan can command a hall? Well, let's just say with S VER you're in the Hall of the Mountain King. As I listen, it's not hard to imagine an apocalyptic scenario where the SÂVER's powerful strains break out in the dead of night, echoing through nightmarish forests, over majestic mountains, and into the impenetrable dark of Norway's wild. I can't believe how perfectly this recording captures size, scope, and grandiosity of their sound.

They Came With Sunlight by SÂVER

A deep, quietly percussive bass note opens up "Distant Path" and is joined in short order by menacing reverb of the synth. Two minutes in, the guitar and drums join in the layers of crescendo. At last, Ole Christian Helstad joins the fruckus of this brewing storm, ever building, building, building towards its inevitably violent release. Five minutes into the song, a torrent of rain swells down, accompanied by a hail of steady notes on guitar. At the eight-minute mark, a terrifyingly grandiose symphony of raging vocals and the combined force of Helstad's explosive bass, Markus Støle's drums, and Ole Ulvik Rokseth's guitar brings us the apocalyptic moment we've all been waiting for. Simply put, it is jaw-droppingly huge. 'They Came With Sunlight' (2019) has officially begun.

The following track, "I, Vanish," would make a fine companion to Yob's "The Screen." It ticks and tocks and grinds its gears like the mechanical clock of some mad horologist, who watches each finely tuned movement closely to see if we are nearer to Doomsday. This and the succession of tracks that follow take us on an ethereal journey of sorts. The music gives a continual sense of flow -- whether with the echo of chords, the precise rhythms of repeated notes, or the fury of blinding tremolos, we are always moving, moving, moving. The complexity of movement may find some drawing comparisons with Black Cobra, Mastodon, perhaps even Tool and Meshuggah.

They Came With Sunlight by SÂVER

"Influx" breaks with this form just long enough to make us question what we thought was real. Are we awake in the real world or in some kind of a dream where the rules still aren't known? It feels like we are floating in a state of suspended animation. The lyrics throughout the album are obscure, making it hard to get a straight answer one way or another. Perhaps the point is to ponder the larger themes exposited by these opaque words, to free our minds to wander and explore the possibilities. I will say the interview that follows helps to clear up at least one or two mysteries for us, but overall the material remains high concept, abstract, and surreal.

They Came With Sunlight by SÂVER

"How They Envisioned Life" is the most heart-wrenching song of the lot. There is real pain here, as the singer lashes out with some of the purest rage on record at everything he believed to be true and faithful about his reality. There's also what appears to be a tug of war. The light wants him, the dark wants him. Is this a near-death experience? I'll let you be the judge.

"Step out of light!" - Dark Frozen by fright, left to survive Under the sky Leave!! Leave my soul to him!

They came - They saw How they envisioned life Embrace the warmth that I have left you with

Please let us stay Through depths and stone I see light

Leave – Leave my soul to him

They came - They saw How they envisioned light Your rage - minds covered This ancient hollowed out fight I have left you - Light

"Dissolve To Ashes" gets even stranger with references to "cosmic shuttles" and panicked attempts to find a path that will lead to light. Come to think of it, this is actually is starting to feel like the kind of things I dream about on the regular!

They Came With Sunlight by SÂVER

The ancient archetypal struggle between light and darkness comes to a head in the album's longest track, the twelve-and-a-half minute "Altered Light." There are hints that maybe the light isn't quite what it seems and that a little sleight of hand is involved when some people promise to show us the way.

I'd like to point out something I've not mentioned up to this point: melody. The riffs on this album are, for lack of a better expression, very "hummable." This means these little earworms will be working their magic on you long after you've walked away from the record. I've found myself humming or tapping the theme to this song at the grocery store, at work, while doing laundry, you name it. Look, I don't have the answers to the riddles presented by They Came WIth Sunlight. What I can offer you is SÂVER. Oh, and if you dig this kind of sound, be sure and check out Markus Støle and Ole Rokseth's other project HYMN.

Photograph by Adrian Kraakefingar Vindedal

Interview with SÂVER's Ole Rokseth

~Photographs by Pål Bellis~

“It sounds like war.”

Congratulations on a successful album launch via Pelagic Records and for debuting at the #10 spot on the Doom Charts with 'They Came With Sunlight' (2019).

Thanks, Billy! The response has been overwhelming. We are super stoked.

The last time we checked in, Tombstones had just disbanded and then I think I lost track of the story for a good two years after that. What was going on in the backdrop leading up to the formation of SÂVER?

We spent a year, more or less, in our rehearsal space after Tombstones, just writing new material without having a plan. I don't think it took that long before we knew we had to make something of it, so we talked alot about what type of band we wanted to start and what type of music we wanted to play. We all knew we wanted to do something different. So it's been a lot of experimenting with sounds and gear to get to where we are now.

What does the band’s name signify?

It means "sleep" or "sleeping" in an old Norwegian dialect, from out in the woods where Ole Helstad is from.

“We wanted to just leave.”

The opening line from “Dissolve To Ashes” starts with: “They came with sunlight” -- it’s also the title of the album. I’m used to song and album titles that refer to the menace of darkness and those that prey in the shadows, but here you’re anticipating the arrival of something with the dawn. Can you illuminate this?

I think that line, in particular, is spoken through someone or something else “on the other side.” The clean singing sort of amplifies that. At some point during the writing process, I painted this picture in my mind of three dudes just leaving the earth towards a better destination, in search of “The Light.” So most of the lyrics is based around that journey. I think people relate to that and that's why it's equally heavy as the typical “metal lyrics.” It's just about life, man.

“It's just about life, man.”

So much of metal is focused on pain, misery, death, subjugation, and very little is written about “the light” -- especially not in a style as heavy, so it really intrigues me.

Yes, well, I don't think there is any point in writing about stuff thats not from your own experiences and thought. We just sort of turned it all around and wrote about our journey away from death, shadows, and battleaxes. It was really about what all of us went through at the time. We wanted to just leave.

The tracks on They Came With Sunlight are huge. This and the recent Yob album are among the few that have been successful in writing cohesive long-form compositions that carry an effective dramatic arc. How does a piece like “I, Vanish” come together?

That song is based on a bass riff that Ole brought to the table one night. And I guess we just wrote it the way we know best. Weed, beer, and a sweaty rehearsal space with low lighting. We are all believers of repetition in music, and that song is all about that for sure. This whole album really came together naturally and I think it's because we all had a need to express ourselves in a different way than in other bands and we had a clear vision of what we wanted to do early on.

The production value is very high on the new album, capturing the depth, range, and power of your sound admirably. What have you learned about recording your sound now that’s different from when you first started recording albums with Tombstones a decades ago?

I always have all of these different ideas and thoughts on how to record the next album to make it better than what we have done before. But we always, at least in these types of bands, conclude that recording live is the only way. And having a studio tech that can provide good recordings of all the instruments is key. So we basically just do what we have been doing at rehearsals and know that the guys behind the desk just captures it at that moment. Joona Hassinen at Studio Underjord in Sweden was that guy, and he couldn't have done a better job. Everything sounded really good straight out of the mixing board, so we knew early on that this was gonna be a super heavy experience. That being said, we had a lot of weird accidents on this album, as well, that Joona decided to just leave in. Art by accident, dude. Always cool. We obviously added stuff after recording it live, but it's not really that far from it.

“Three dudes just leaving the earth towards a better destination in search of The Light.”

If nothing else, doom is surely infamous for its “low ‘n’ slow” approach. How in the name of Hades did you get such a damning sound on this record? What did you tune to, for example, on “Distant Path”?

It's that whole year of continuously hitting the rehearsal space, practicing and trying out different sounds. We knew we wanted to try and distance ourselves from all the other “doom” bands that are out there, but yet not losing ourselves and what we think sounds cool.

We tune in drop A, and the guitars have pretty thin string gauges to get that open, heavy sound. Not that much distortion either, to be honest. Most of the fuzz comes from Helstad's 215 bass cabinet. A Lot of the sound also came together after I bought a Fender Telecaster Deluxe and combined it with an older Peavey transistor head. Bringing a synthesizer to mix also opened a lot for us. I inherited a real passion for old and new synths from my brother. His collection of synths is out of this world -- thanks Pål.

As Joona said after re-amping the fuzz bass, “It sounds like war.” I will never stop trying out new gear and trying new weird shit, and that's a big part of me evolving as a musician.

Picking up from that last question, the level of tonal depth you were able to capture on this recording is truly remarkable. Without ever feeling muted or distorted, you’ve managed to capture the grandiosity and rumbling low-end of those bruising chords.

Joona basically just recorded -- with great technique and experience -- what we played then and there. If the song is heavy, and you believe in it, it's gonna come out heavy. No matter what amp you use or what pickup you have in you guitar. I'm pretty sure Jimi Hendrix would make a shitty B.C. Rich Warlock from 2009 sing and penetrate your soul in the same way he does with his Stratocaster.

What amps and gear did you use in the recording?

We recorded it live with the same set-up as we use at gigs and rehearsals. I won't get into all the pedal details. On guitar, I played through a stereo setup with 412 cabinets. Peavey Century Bass Series and and old Simms Watts 100. Well, bass was actually reamped, but Helstad uses his Rickenbacker 4003 through a Ampeg SVT Classic with an 810 cab and a Peavey Standard with a Peavey 215 cab. Markus, of course, can make any drum kit sound amazing, though I don't remember the particulars of what he used in this recording.

To record the synth parts, I borrowed his brother's Korg MS10 from the '70s. One of our all time favourite synthesizers, but it's old, rare, and not cheap, so recently I bought a Moog Sub Phatty that I bet you will hear more of on our next record. If people want to know more, we love talking gear. Come check us out live and have a chat.

How did you arrive at the decision to use synthesizers in these compositions, anyway?

I've been active in two other electronica-based bands: Gundelach and Hubbabubbaklubb. I got inspired by these two acts and my brother, who plays synth in those two bands, as well. As mentioned, he's got an enormous collection of vintage, kickass synthesizers. All of us love the sound of it and also electronic music, and we wanted to use that as a tool to divide our sound from the common doom band. You can expect more synth on the next album.

"Art by accident, dude. Always cool.”

How have your live performances gone so far? We’d love to have you back to the States sometime!

Really good! Again, the response has been overwhelming. As a band, it's really important to set goals, and we have met almost all of our goals to this date. It's crazy. We are really looking forward to next year! Playing the US has been a goal for all of us forever and is something we definitely want to make happen with S VER. Hopefully next year, Billy, we can meet up and have a beer.

The Great SÂVER Giveaway

The band has been kind enough to offer 15 free downloads of their new album to 15 lucky souls. Redeem one code below at pelagicrecords.bandcamp.com/yum.

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[mamonthemoon]

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt. 

[survivortaveuni]

Episode 10: “I Mean, Whatever, I’m Having Fun Lying” -Jack E

It’s merge! It’s jury time! Lots of fun things are happening now. For one, Lily is finally going to tribal! And she was loud and proud about that fact. 

Once again, Charlotte and LA reunited, and this time they solidified their duo-ness and solidified their alliance to be an F2 alliance. Their intent was to play different sides while secretly working together. 

Another alliance formed: an original Motomaiqi alliance, minus Billy. Jordan was kind of the head of this alliance. LA, though, wasn’t keen on staying loyal. She was playing with the two heads of the opposing alliances: Steffen and Jordan. She was doing her best to make Steffen trust her. And though she was officially aligned with Jordan, she wanted to flip on him ASAP for being a threat.

That would have to wait, because Jordan won the first individual immunity. Things didn’t look too bright, because so far the name floating around was Jack C’s, his closest ally. After talking to Lily, who suggested either Jack or Billy, Jordan pushed for the latter. Jack C was paranoid, leaked the plan to vote for Billy, and was scared of how close the vote might be (not very) and was wondering if he would need to use the idol (he didn’t).

Steffen at first had some confidence in the game. He thought he had a few people on his side: he had an alliance with Tyler and Charlotte, and he felt he could trust people such as Lily, Billy, Jack E. Things started collapsing. Lily told Jordan that Steffen had all 7 stamps by now in the Rainbow Reef, making Steffen suspicious of their relationship (Jordan also told Steffen that he only had 2 stamps, which...was true in, like, the first round of the game). And once the plan to Billy was leaked, he lost all hope. He deleted his spreadsheet for navigating the Rainbow Reef. However, he did find an idol! Perhaps there was some hope... 

Ultimately, though, Steffen decided to let Billy go and not play his idol. It appears third time was the charm, and Billy was sent home 9-1, with his 1 vote for Jack C cancelled by his idol, because it appeared to Jack C that he wouldn’t be needing his idol anytime in the near future, apparently. 

w e d i d i t b o y s

Dear Bumbleshocked Diary, WELL HOLY BUTTGILLIAN, THAT WORKED. I don't know it almost felt like this thing and plan went off without a hitch, which I'm kinda obsessed with but also kinda worried about, but I'm pumped about a couple of things so I'm excited.  OKOKOK so firstable, I'm just floored I got the plan to work, like Billy had his death sentence because it felt that we couldn't get anywhere on Bouma and he was dead, BUT NOOOOOOO, apparently I got better skills than I could have ever thought and I got Charlotte and Tyler to flip on Shea, and boy, lemme tell you, that kinda makes up for how Shea treated Gage in Midway at the tribal that Gage went home in.  The ironic thing was, Gage was the last pre-juror, and guess what happened to Shea, he made f11, but no jury....BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA ok sorry that was mean.  ANYHOE, so I'm sitting here, with my 3 advantages in my pocket, no votes cast against me and guess what......WE MADE MERGE AND JURY, so now there's that little bit of breathe before things likely go to hell but still, I'm excited, my worst placement is out of the way and I can sit in f10 knowing I at least made jury.....but I want to win so everyone else can cheauxke. Now I'll do some thoughts on the tribe atm so I can at least see if it can help me decide what to do. Billy-Bae but has admitted to being my extra vote Charlotte-Was in a trio with me and Lily, and later in a trio with Tyler and I have unloaded some game thoughts onto her so I do believe we have something good Jack C.-Ok so I actually haven't been on the same tribe as him pre-merge but he sent me this conversation as our first: [5/8/17, 10:18:39 PM] Jack (Ginga): Helo sir [5/8/17, 10:18:47 PM] Steffen Bøhn: Why am I a sir lol [5/8/17, 10:19:17 PM] Jack (Ginga): Would you rather be a madam [5/8/17, 10:24:30 PM] Steffen Bøhn: I mean whatever floats your goat tbh [5/8/17, 10:25:12 PM] Jack (Ginga): Speakig of floating id love to float to not first merge boot [5/8/17, 10:25:14 PM] Jack (Ginga): Thanks [5/8/17, 10:28:51 PM] Steffen Bøhn: kinda same lol This conversation has made me love Jack C. so much because I think he's so oblivious to the term "social" game, but it also makes me want him out real bad because he thinks he can get away with this... Jack E.-He bae, I voted for him in all stars so that makes me worry about whom may target us because of that but if he truly just played for jury, hopefully he can be my other Billy Jordan Pines-We had a mixed relationship in the past but I want to believe that we fixed it........who knows, but he told me he only had 2 stamps, which is worrisome, but he knew I had all 7, so thanks Lily, but once he did find out, I told him once you swap em out you can't go back to the reef so hopefully that's something good enough.  But I'd rather he be gone sooner than later LA-She's basically a queen I finished hosting in Solomon and I wanted to meet up with her for the longest time so this is really exciting, so now I just got to hope she wants to work with me. Lily-She was my number one early one, but she may have told Jordo that I have 7 stamps and thats worrying so now I got to be careful for how much I tell her.....mess, the kush was too much tbh Steffen-Binch Steven-THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE....jk, he seems nice but I haven't been able to test his loyalties because we never went to tribal together so I don't know where he stands with me which is worrying Tyler-I feel like I was more scared of him for no reason but I may have him in my pocket now since I let him in that Nic was trying to blindside him and Shea was throwing a vote on him.........not the best socially from what I learned which is hilarious, but I like him, he a bae and can stay So I guess after this the people I'm most scared of is kinda Jack C., Steven and Jordan with Lily sprinkled in there because of her telling Jordo, but what else can you do right now, I guess it'll come down to who wins immunity, but who knows, if there was an edgic this season, my past 2 episodes would've been dope tbh considering what I did, but I guess we may just need to breathe rn. Anyways wish me luck Diary, Steffen the bum

I am very happy that I made the merge. Both other times I played I never ended up making the merge, so this is very exciting for me. I have no idea what is going to happen tonight. Hopefully it's not me going home. I really don't know though. 

Ain't this a bitch. Votes appear to be going on me and Billy, with them SUPPOSEDLY leaning 6-4 in my favor, but I don't know for sure. I'm gonna play my idol on myself probably, DEFINITELY if Billy gets idoled, but I just dunno, man. This sucks, yo.

So now that we've merged, LA and I have a final 2. We actually know each other IRL, so... yeah, that helps. It was weird not talking to each other while we were on separate tribes but hey, we both made it. Also fuck Jordan, cheating at the challenges is BS - I don't care that it's a loophole, there are no loopholes in the real game of Survivor. C'mon, man. Jeff Probst does not approve this message. 

This is a confessional. Try and medivac me motherfuckers

Dear screwed up Diary I don't really care anymore people are pegging me as a duo with Billy, and here I thought I'd be able to hold onto an extra vote in Billy for longer but apparently thats not a good thing now people think I have a rainbow idol even though thats not the case because I tried swapping the rainbow pass for the rainbow idol but nothing, so I'm thinking Lily or Jordan has it because well Lily has all the stamps but Jordan could've gotten it too, so that's real grand. SO I deleted the spread sheet with the instructions on where the stamps were, now I personally dont care about what happens I'm going to vote out Billy because I saved his ass twice and now he's on jury, so if I survive 6 more tribals then we might be in business but that all depends on tonight. I'm not going to use any advantage and if I'm voted out with an idol in my pocket it'll be hilarious, but as of now I'm going to vote out my closest ally and make sure that I can re-evaluate where I am in the game, because I'm sure as hell on the bottom rn, but if things hold up tonight, LA and Tyler are true hunts, but I guess we'll have to see if shit hits the fan. So in the end Diary, it's been real, will I be first juror or make single digits, who knows, but one thing thats for certain is that the stamps are cute AF. Fed up with the world, Steffen

https://youtu.be/wMEMDBtndw4

I feel like I'm being too honest with Steffen right now, but I wanna work with him and if I blindside him or lie while he knows the truth, he's not gonna trust me and I need that. Char seems to be on the bottom of the alliance she has with him so I need to be good with him and hope he doesn't flip on me. I also don't want people figuring out Char and I are working together, I want Steffen to think he's my solid person, and get rid of Jordan ASAP because he's just going to keep "winning" challenges and he's already in a position of control, sort of, but that's fine with me cause as long as he looks like controlling things he's a bigger target than me. Plus once Jordan is gone Jack might become a solid number for me, since we've been working together but he also slipped the plan so who knows, he might need to go too. We'll see how this plans out tonight, Steffen knows the plan so if he or Billy have a hidden immunity idol they can save him and I should still be good with him and I can blame Jack for him finding out so I should still be good with Jordan too. I'm putting a lot of trust in Steffen this round,  hopefully it doesn't fuck me over.

I'm totally fucked if Steffen plays his idol on Billy but I mean whatever I'm having fun lying to Steffen and he really thinks he can trust me or he's just leading me to believe that. I might just throw a vote because it will be funny to see everyone's reactions. Idk y'all heard me on my call last night I'm in a cracked out position

[adrizzle-shizzle]

Journals Blog Posts- Into The Wild

01/30/17 I look up to Chris McCandless. Not just anyone could go on into the woods and try to be as independent as possible. I relate to the fact that he didn't want to be associated with such a society nowadays, of course many people have good intentions but ignorance just seems to be overweighing it nowadays. You don't understand what you want in life, and how could these people possible know? There are some days where I too just want to go on a venture and start a new life, leave everything and everyone and not worry about the past. Chris was a bit extreme in his actions, that's for sure, but he was brave for doing so. And I admire him for that. For believing in something so strongly that you would take these insane risks for it. 02/01/17 Social ideologies plays a very important role in the book and movie of Into the Wild. Chris is very fed up by the materialistic behavior of not only his parents, but society as a whole. His whole point of leaving this society behind is to find more to life than the same old path everyone takes through life. There's a moment in the movie where Chris refuses to receive a new car from his parents as a graduation present. This scene is small but crucial, as it's when you first start to notice how much he's against the materialistic nature of humans, and how he wants a change for himself for individual betterment. Economic ideologies also plays a key role in both the movies as he gets rid of money for him to feel closer to nature. Ofcourse; when Chris was in dangerous need of the money he would get a job and work for it. But this wasn't always the case, Chris would hunt and hitchhike his way to Alaska. It was very important of him to have no help of anything that could lead him into the ways of a dependent money-hungry follower like everyone else. 02/02/17 Was Chris McCandless misunderstood? I don't believe so. He didn't seek to be understood in the first place. He didn't say what his intentions were to people, he just left off keeping everyone wondering. He never gave an explanation in the first place so he never gave a chance for people to understand where this was coming from. Perhaps if he had, we would be able to determine if he was truly misunderstood or not. Even if he did explain himself to others, I believe he would have still been misunderstood. I don't think the people around him like his loved ones, would understand the importance of finding himself in the woods and having to engage in this risky actions and cut all contact off from his family to do so. I don't even understand it, one can never be fully understood. 02/04/07 Imagine being in Alaska where there are no family no friends no acquaintances no nothing. No one to listen to and no one to take care of but yourself. Like Chris, this is also relatable in many young adults that leave their house to the first time. Although it's not an isolated place that they leave to in the middle of Alaska, and might still have to follow rules if it's college, or just by having a roommate or even if it's just part of the apartment housekeeping rules; once we don't have anyone to listen to, it might be freeing to us. We feel more independent and more in control of our lives. Young adults may feel like they can shape their own views and opinions without having to explain themselves to others. Chris might have felt this way when he left everything behind. He had his power in his own hands and no one could stop him from changing his life around, it all depended on him. 02/09/17 Often, I can't explain why, but I feel propelled to be the loudest and make sure everyone notices me on stage whenever I'm performing. I'm usually a very quiet girl and don't say much in class, I speak very low and come off as shy. People usually wouldn't take me for an actress and when I tell them I am, they get surprised. "But you never talk!" They claim. I'm actually a different person whenever I'm onstage, and I can't really explain why. My voice fills up the entire room and you'll notice me, the light will shine on me and you'll wonder "I didn't know she could speak that loud!" It just comes naturally so it's something I can't explain, acting is something that I enjoy doing and after years of practice you don't have to worry about nobody being able to hear you when you're onstage, because I always manage to do better than everyone expects me to. 02/13/17 Whenever I'm doing improvisation in drama class, I feel like I can relate to Chris. During improvisation you jump in without knowing the outcome, the people around you will shape your environment and setting and you will have to adjust to it so you don't break character. Chris had to adjust to his new life as Alex Supertramp where ever he would go. He flew or of his house not knowing how this venture would end and he had to shape his life around living with a tight budget and no shelter. Ofcourse it didnt end well at the end but he did try to adjust himself to nee situations and thats what I'm supposed to do when I improvise, so I get what it must have been like for him. 02/16/17 I think it was very insightful of how Krakauer describea being on the Inside Passage. As most of Chris' experiences by himself in Alaska mostly come from second hand letters or journals or police records/documents, we get to see how difficult it must have actually been to live a life like that. Krakauer himself States how much long and cold then nights were and how he wanted to give up when he didn't because he didn't want people to believe that he gave up and assure their assumption of his trip in the first place. He made t through but it wasn't easy, and could you imagine that he was actually prepared. Chris was the least amount of prepared which is probably why it didn't end so well for him, I can only imagine how much harder it must have been for him. Krakauer experience gives a detailed first hand explanations which helps the reader understand how such a venture would result in most likely. 02/21/17 It's very surprising to me how Chris went from a college graduate with family supporters and a steady job to being a wild young man living by himself in the woods badly making it through the days. You wouldn't expect such a thing from someone like him, that's not the average life you would expect him to live. Which is probably why people were so astonished and confused by all of his actions. He was very family oriented and didn't seem to have any problem in school. It's evident that his parents and his siblings care every much about him and just wanted some answers, it's just too bad that it had to end like this. He was a man of his word too. Not once would he not repay his debts to the people that let him stay in their house or offer him a job. Like jan and Ron for example. His standards were clear and he was an honest man, he just wanted to live a life of his own without having anyone having to look over him. Which is understandable, we all need to learn to be independent at times. 02/16/17 There was a point in the book where Billie and Walt say that if Chris had taken his dog Sith him things probably would have turned out differently. He loved and cared for his pet very much and even wanted to take him on the trip, but his parents wouldn't let him. Would Chris have been less careless if his dog would have come with him on the trip? Who knows. It's most likely. He would have been more protective of his dog. If there was ever a day that it was raining or snowing or storming he probably would have been quick to find him shelter instead of for himself. If there was ever a day where the dog was starving or hurt he would have been quicker to find help or go back home because he didn't want to bring his dog through any more pain. If he really caref abot his dog, I believe this would have turned out differently. 02/21/17 Chris McCandless actually reminds me of my old pet cat I used to have. Well, it wasn't really mine but it would just come in and out of my house whenever it felt like it. It sounds strange, but that's how it would be ever since I moved into that place. The cat would come for shelter, food and drinks most of the time. But as soon as he got what he needed for survival, he would run off into who knows where. Sometimes days would pass by until we would see him again. Then finally after a period time he would come back, crying for someone to take care of him. This cat reminds me of Chris in the way that he would try to go on and be his independent self but when it got difficult you would see him cryinf for help. He never stayed around for long either and as soon as you showed some sign of affection it would run off, as if it was scared to get attaced because he knew he wasn't gonna be there permanently. This seems to be exactly how Chris feels whenever he went to hitchhike, Find a place to live and whenever they started to show affection towards him he would leave because he knew it was just temporarily and didnt want to get attached. 02/24/17 The woods is a place that's often very peaceful and mot many people visit it as we're all consumed by the urbanization of nowadays. We spend our days looking at our phones or in places where we cant avoid technology that cant help but make our lives easier. Its a great thing but its reasonable why Chris would leave to the woods. It's often full of mystery and quietness. You hear the soft breeze and the tint insects walking through leaves on the ground. There's no one to tell you anything; it's just you and your thoughts and nature. It's a great way to find inspiration, meaning, or a purpose in life. I often find it in nature as well, since thats where I usually take my photography. It just has a unique place to it no other place has, something we lack of in the fast paced society of nowadays that doesn't even have time to appreciate the nature surrounding us. I don't blame Chris for wanting to be around nothing but the woods, because when I'm focusing on my art that's all I want to. To be alone with no one telling you what to do. 02/27/17 Adriana is flabbergasted by how much evidence Krakauer used in his book to back up the fact that McCandless died of the poisonous plant. It's notable that much extensive research was done on the plants in Alaska to be able to come to such a precise and accurate conclusion. At first, Adriana thought it was a logical fallacy because most authors really aren't biologists or chemists, so while I was reading the book Adriana questioned whether it was valid or not. His afterword in the book showed me otherwise, as he had many researchers from different universities to back up his hypotheses that Chris McCandless died of starvation when previoisly eating the hepnum ii plant that usually isn't severely poisonous when eating but some parts of the seeds or roots might turn poisonous when the season changes to serve as an defense for wild animals. The research in which Krakauer made also provided a lot of outside sources and help such as a few doctores from well-known universities who have actually studied the biology and make-up of plants, so it's very surprising to see that almost any other biologist that was with him during the experiment agreed with his point of view and conclusions for the cause of death of Chris McCandless. Because it's not often that you see authors conducting a whole experiment to get their point accross, it's evident that Krakauer was very passionate about this topic and the mysteries of McCandless' life and that's what makes the book more interesting itself. 03/04/17 When Billie and Walt walked into the bus Chris' body had been, they seemed quite more calmed then Adriana expected them to be. It wasn't even a few weeks in that McCandless had died and they had gone to visit it already. Seeing and experiencing such a thing must be very hard for a parent and wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but they way they were able to manage themselves during the trip was very strong of them, I'm sure that Chris would've liked it. It's not uncommon for us to get hysterically emotional when a loved one passes, and to be where they used to be every day, it might be hard to take it on yourself. Billie, Adriana expected to be the most hystrionsic through it all, not because she was his mom but because she was so worried for countless of days, not knowing where he was or what he was doing, not knowing if he was safe, had shelter, door or water. But instead, Billie visited that Bus like a trooper and kept herself together. Walt also managed to keep himself together while visiting his sons "home" Adriana guesses you could call it. He made a memorial on the bus which was very thoughtful. Adriana can imagine them both having trouble now and then, feeling all types of emotions inside of them; peace with knowing where he finally wasster all this time, sadness that he wasn't there with them anymore, anger that he had left out of the blank and relieved that he is in a better place now. Perhaps visitng that bus wasn't such a bad thing afterall. They finally got some answers to their questions. 03/03/17 Did Chris act like a histrionic highschool kid? I don't believe so. We're often quick to judge on an other persons actions. In reality, Chris wasn't trying to upset or please anyone on purpose. He did all of this for himself. A reaction of a typical highschool kid would be doing these things like walking away into the wildernis because someone upset them and wanted to upset them back, but Chris didn't want to be found. No one upset him either. From my understanding, Chris was an adult who already lived his average life on behalf of his parents. But was it what he really wanted to do? No. He took matter into his own hands, decided that this wasn't the life for him and took off. He held journals because he wanted people to know what had happened if he weren't to come back. He send notecards out to people because he wanted to stay in contact; he never said that he didn't want to abandon everyone in his life, or else he wouldn't have sheltered or hitchhiked with so many new people along the way. Who are we to say that he acted overly dramatic? It was his life, let him be. He loved it the way he wanted to live it and just because it's not the common thing to do it doesn't mean we should classify him as histrionic. 03/10/17 The ending of Chris McCandless' life didn't come as a surprise. He barely had anything to eat day to day and had to clear knowledge on the things that he was eating. For example, Chris didn't know how to preserve the meat of the moose he killed. He instantly regretted it. The he relied on berries for survival. That also didn't go so well, as it caused him to be poisoned by it. In reality, McCandless could have been more prepared than he was. In order to make it through the wilderness for a long time, you can't just wing everything in the first time thinking that it's going to turn out good for you. This takes planning, time and commitment. You have to think before you act. Adriana knows that she said that she had admired Chris before, for being son race and following through on his plans. But now she's starting to see the true colors of him. He was being irrational and didn't know anything about the wilderness, it was ridiculous. Adriana saw that he was trying to be someone he was not. There were so many things he could have done not to die, like do some research before hand would've helped. Anything, even if it was just calling up your parents for a couple of minutes Chris could have made it through. Now, Adriana starts wondering whether he did this on purpose to call attention or not. This was a pretty extreme decision made by Chris, and it wouldn't supreme her if it was true. How are you going to leave all of your family and belongings behind? Adriana knows that society sucks, but life isn't always fair. You can't just leave and expect everything to be fine. That's never going to work. You have to learn to work through your problems, not walk away from them.