#perhaps a somber goodbye. the bittersweetness of parting

[noxtivagus]

no thoughts only fiction fr i want to write 🫣

[vicissavior]

Aerin Valleros x Raine

a/n: I had that draft for like 3 years now and forgot to post it. English isn’t my first language so I’m sorry if there are any grammar mistakes. Feel free to correct them

summary: Aerin and Raine deserve a more emotional big fight at the end of book 1

also it’s Aerin x male MC (Raine)

————————————————————————————

chapter 16

we fight. we die. and we pray we will be avenged.

With prudent, almost poetic precision, Aerin raised the blade, its gleaming edge poised threateningly at his adversary's throat. A picture of suffering etched across his countenance – dark red rivulets tracing its path down his chin, a bleeding nose, and a tapestry of scratches adorning his battered form. With deliberate grace, Aerin placed a foot upon his chest, forcing Raine back upon the bloody stairs. He couldn’t help but cry out in pain as he clutched his bleeding waist in agony. "God, please, stop," he pleaded, wincing as he tilted his head back. A low, sardonic chuckle escaped Aerin's lips as he exerted a touch more pressure with his foot. "And here I thought you'd never beg for anything. Just look at you... It almost felt too easy," he mused, while Raine closed his eyes, trying to seek solace beneath his unyielding grip.

"I… I wasn't fighting you," he finally managed to murmur, peering up at his captor. His dark eyes sent shivers down his spine, as did his storm grey skin. The inky veins coursing down his cheeks reminded him of cracked marble, and his somber lips curved into a mischievous smile, shrouded in shadows, as they lingered in the thunderous echoes of battle that raged nearby. "You truly are as foolish as I thought."

"Why?" Raine countered, his voice wrecked by a cough, his breath growing more ratchet. "Is it foolish to have given my heart to the wrong soul? There exist fates far worse than death." His words hung in the air like an elegy, a profound reflection amidst the chaos. He heard Aerin laugh, and suddenly, the weight on his chest disappeared. Instead, Aerin now straddled his hips and he felt the cold metal of a dagger pressed against his throat. Raine tried to fight back, but before he could do anything at all, Aerin grabbed his wrist, pinning him down once more. "Well then, any last wishes?" he grinned.

"Kiss me," his voice trembled, a final longing expressed with vulnerability and no hesitation. Aerin paused, torn by conflicting emotions and taken aback by the sudden request.

Slowly, he leaned in, their lips meeting in a bittersweet farewell. Raine deepened the kiss, his hand gently cupping Aerin's cheek. In that tender moment, as their lips clung to each other, time itself seemed to slow, and the world around them faded into obscurity. The clashing of swords, the cries of battle, all of it dissolved into insignificance compared to the intensity of their final kiss.

Raine‘s fingers traced the dark veins on Aerin's face, committing every detail to memory. He wanted to remember every nuance, every feeling, as though it would be the last thing he'd ever do. It was a kiss of passion and longing, an aching goodbye to a love that was destined to remain forever unfulfilled.

„I love you.. I always will.“ When they finally parted, a single tear rolled down Raine‘s cheek, mingling with the remnants of their shared kiss. He gazed deeply into Aerin's eyes, seeing a flicker of something more beneath the cold exterior. Perhaps there was still a sliver of the prince, Aerin used to be, buried deep within.

"It won't keep you alive," Aerin reminded him and maybe even himself, his voice a solemn mumble. But there was an undeniable vulnerability in his eyes, a fracture in the armor he had so carefully constructed around his heart.

Raine smiled faintly, a serene acceptance in his expression. "No, it won't," he acknowledged, his voice barely above a whisper. "But it reminds me that beneath this darkness, there's a part of you worth saving."

With that, Raine starred into his eyes, surrendering to what seemed inevitable. Aerin hesitated for a moment, the dagger still poised but trembling in his grip. The battle raged on around them, a screeching of chaos and destruction, but in this suspended moment, it was as though the world held its breath, waiting for a decision to be made.

And then, with a shaken sigh, Aerin withdrew the dagger, his hand falling to his side. He stood up, leaving Raine untouched, a mix of emotions swirling within him. Without a word, he wanted to retreated into the shadows, disappearing into the very darkness that had consumed him.

‘No!’ Despite the pain coursing through his body, Raine's resilience manifested in an attempt to stop him. However, his brother was faster. In a fleeting moment of carelessness, the prince remained oblivious to the lurking presence of Kade. With a swift, silent strike, Kade's rusted sword hilt smashed into the prince's skull, knocking him out cold.

Raine gasped, his hand instinctively muffling his startled sound, gazing down at the two men in shock, "Kade! That was definitely not necessary...!" He hurried to his side, “Tz, of course. Leave him be, we have bigger problems!” he said, pointing to the looming threat of the Dreadlord, who had undergone a profound transformation in the meantime…

———————————————————————————

“What about the prince of darkness over there? Can I go stomp his skull in?” Imtura looked at the others questioningly, “As tempting as that is, we should bring him back. He has to pay for what he has done and serve as an example of what happens to traitors like him,” Tyril replied, but Raine was already kneeling next to the prince and picking him up gently. “I think bashing his skull would set a really good example.” Imtura continued but Raine wasn’t listening to them.

A thin rivulet of blood traced it’s serpentine path down the prince's temple, dripping gracefully from his chin. “I’ll take care of him...” Raine sighed and brushed the dark curls off his prince’s face.

He wouldn't let go of him that fast ever again.

[mxstball]

[Ghost Stories] [Event End] A Phone Call

As the day went on, spirits that had once wandered the world during the season began to slowly disappear. The spirit energy faded from the world. Ghosts who have went to see their loved ones one last time waved goodbye. Some who stayed behind turned into Pokémon. Some yet still vanished in thin air.

---

Within the Sinnoh Region, Izanami returned to Sendoff Spring and looked at the entrance of Turnback Cave. The Creator looked on as spirits began to enter within the cavern. Many of these ghosts are finally completed in their journeys -- they have seen family and friends, they have given their last wishes, or they even have finally done that one thing that they wished to do in life. No matter what it was, they all were ready to move on, and all ready to rest in peace. Although Turnback Cave being a local home for gathering was an unintended side-effect from human culture of the dead, she welcomed it. After all, that was why she created this day in the first place -- for those who pass on to finally find peace and move on....

... and maybe it was time for her to move on, too.

Izanami smiled as she started to fade. She would enter Turnback Cave herself, but her spirit was tied elsewhere. Her Legend Plate called to her, wishing for her to return and crying out that it would welcome her with open arms. Izanami closed her eyes.

She can now finally enjoy her retirement.

---

Within the Hall of Origin, Meredith held Melony's hand and looked lovingly into her eyes. For 1,700 years, the two have been apart as Meredith resided within her Soul Dew. However, now that they were together again, it felt as if their friendship had never faded.

"So, it is finally time to go for you, My Lady?"

Meredith nodded. "Yes. I can feel the ghostly energy fading as we speak. As such, it will be only a matter of time before I return to the Soul Dew." She smiled softly at her friend. "However, do not think of this goodbye as a final one. As long as we have Heidi and as long as we all are together, then I will always be with you."

"My Lady...." Melony returned the loving smile, even though it had a hint of somberness. This goodbye was bittersweet for her. "I will never forget you."

Meredith giggled. "And I will never forget you, either. Perhaps we will meet again soon."

Melony nodded. "Yes. Soon."

Meredith pulled Melony in a tight hug -- as tight as she could. The two remained silent. In life, Melony was Meredith's long friend. Even though Friede introduced them as a way to challenge Meredith's resolve, the two have dedicated their values together to ensure that the world was a better place. Even in death, while Melony did stumble in watching over Heidi and even went back on Meredith's morals for a time, Melony has never forgotten the things that Meredith taught her.

Meredith eventually faded, leaving Melony to continue her lone hug for a little longer.

"Thank you, Lady Meredith. I... will never forget you."

---

Within Heidi's bedroom in the Hall of Origin, Heidi was alone. She was looking directly at her phone. Now that she knew the full tale, she continued to look at the numbers that Yukin gave her.

??? (Alternate) Possible alternate version of myself. Yukin didn’t give identity. Knows that I have this number.

Hera (Alternate) Possible alternate version of myself. Mention that I’m a part of Izanami’s world. Arceus: Sagira Whether Sagira is like Izanami, Friede, or Morrigan is unknown.

She wondered what type of individuals that these versions of her were. Did these versions of her have similar situations as her? What new things could she learn from them?

Then, she remembered Yukin's warning:

"I do advise that you be careful of what you ask for, Miss Heidi. I will grant the information you're searching for, but I'm not responsible for the repercussions that follow. Do keep that in mind."

Just what consequences did Yukin warn about? Usually, creatures like him wouldn't set this seed without warning -- Yukin sounded like he knew of both of them and likely could tell what was to happen. At the same time, he wouldn't give them to her if he didn't think that she could handle it. Heidi has been pouring over whether or not to call these numbers for this whole month...

...but she (and also, he) knew that she wouldn't resist the temptation to make the calls eventually.

Heidi picked up the phone and made the call.

"Hello? Hi, this is Heidi. I'm... you from another world. Is it okay if we can talk?"

[acediian]

—𝓉𝑜𝓋𝒶𝓇𝒾𝑜𝓃'𝓈 𝑔𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓈𝓉 𝑔𝒾𝒻𝓉 (𝓋.)

thanos x original character fanfiction  |  pre-infinity war  |  2.3k words +

a/n: finally some good bonding time for the hubby and wifey to be. maybe one day they’ll get along :p for now, this is the best they can manage. hope you enjoy reading!

chapters  i.  ii.  iii.  iv.  v.

Nothing but the rustling of wind in the trees and her own feet crackling on the dirt filled Aerendis’ ears as she approached the large wooden structure that was the royal stables. She was exhausted, almost dragging her boots on the ground. It was late; late enough that the entire palace should have already been asleep, but weary eyes still continued their work even into the night.

Aerendis had already done her own part and contributed where she was needed. First, the tailors had flurried around her, measuring and pinning and chattering amongst themselves about her gown. Then, the decorators pulled her into a room teeming with options for flowers, linens, tableware, and an even more endless list of things she couldn’t begin to remember. Next, the temple priestess consulted her on the ceremony itself, which would have to be altered because her husband-to-be was not of Tovari descent. Aerendis was distant throughout all of it, letting herself be pulled in every direction and responding with only the most basic of answers. Her worry and dread about what the following day would bring only rose with each passing hour.

With such thoughts flooding her mind and knotting her core, remaining in her room would have driven her all but mad. She ultimately wandered to the one place where she could always find solace - by the side of her loyal steed. But even this tasted bittersweet. A last visit with the creature that she loved most in all the world. Aerendis already knew she would lose much when she departed Tovarion, but this was the final twist of the knife.

Pressing the carved wooden doors open, she was hit with the earthy smell of hay and the sound of Faraax’s slow, heavy breathing. Nearly a dozen of the creatures resided in these stables, and all of them belonged to the royal family. Aerendis moved silently past each of their stalls - Aldreya, Rigella, Etheris, and Meryon, her mother’s beloved mounts. Arcturus, the gentle male who had belonged to her late father.

Next to his pen was Cassiopeia, whose lumbering form was curled tightly into a ball as she slept. The creature drew in long, deep breaths in her peaceful slumber, head perched atop her feet for comfort. Aerendis couldn’t find it in her heart to wake the creature, even if this was to be goodbye. She simply approached, extending a ringed hand to caress the Faraax’s silken fur.

It had been centuries, but Aerendis could still recall every detail about the moment of Cassiopeia’s birth. She had been sired from the mounts of the king and queen - a royal steed for the princess. Aerendis had caught the newborn creature from her mother, cleaned her downy coat, and been there to see her open her eyes for the very first time. She could still hear the first mewl that Cassiopeia had let out and remember the joy that it had elicited in her. The pair of them had been inseparable ever since, bonded for life. Leaving her behind on Tovarion meant leaving a part of herself, too.

The deep ache in Aerendis’ chest only grew stronger as her hand moved closer to Cassiopeia’s head. Fingers gently caressed her ears, which twitched in her sleep. Slowly, that ache rose until it lodged itself in the princess’ throat. It was a choking feeling, one that caused her eyes to well with tears. Her head bowed, pressing into the warmth of the creature’s fur. She could stay here all night. Perhaps she would.

But not after long, Aerendis felt Cassiopeia shift beneath her and she withdrew to find those dark eyes watching her. A low grunt left the creature, one of both puzzlement and concern. The princess began to stroke her ears once again.

“I didn’t mean to wake you, Cassiopeia,” she whispered, to which Cassiopeia replied with another groan. “I am sorry, my girl. I just wanted to see you.”

Cassiopeia blinked slowly in her half-asleep state. Even annoyed, even tired, she was so beautiful to Aerendis.

“I’m going away soon,” Aerendis continued, that same choking feeling rising in her throat again. “I don’t know when I will return. I don’t know when I will see you again.” A tear trickled down her cheek. Cassiopeia leaned her head down to nuzzle it away, snuffling a soft breath against the princess’ skin. But Aerendis couldn’t manage a smile.

The Faraax clambered to her feet, now towering over the princess by more than twice her height. Still, she kept her large, round eyes fixed on her rider, eyes that shone with sadness in the dim lamplight. There was an understanding in that gaze, too, that this was goodbye. A low, mournful hum left Cassiopeia, who once again dipped her head to caress the princess’ face with her short muzzle.

Aerendis wrapped her arms around her Faraax’s neck, fingers splayed so as to feel as much as her softness as they could. “I know,” she mumbled into the creature’s fur. “Oh, how I shall miss you, Cassiopeia.” Her words ended in a sob, one that was muffled as she turned her face fully into the warmth of the Faraax’s hide. “Erodhil will look after you, so I know that you will be well taken care of.”

Cassiopeia huffed, her head dipping even further.

“Oh, you like him plenty, Cassiopeia. He loves you, too.” Aerendis captured the creature’s face between her hands, resting her forehead against her muzzle. “But I will love you the most. Always.”

The Faraax’s head snapped up at a sudden noise in the stables, darting towards the entrance of her pen to see what it was. A curious thing, she vocalized softly at the figure in the wide doorway. Aerendis joined her steed, peering around her long, muscular legs to see the unmistakable figure of the Mad Titan. Or rather… her husband to be. If not for his size and stature, she may not have recognized him now - helmet-less and wearing only the chestplate of his armor. Even dressed down, he was no less imposing than he had been upon entering the throne room earlier that day.

“My lord,” Aerendis addressed him, stepping out from behind Cassiopeia’s legs. She hadn’t the foggiest of what to call him. He was not yet her husband and was certainly not her love. ‘My lord’ would have to suffice.

“Princess.” Thanos sounded surprised to see her.

Aerendis quickly and discreetly wiped away the tears from her eyes, though the pale blue flush in her cheeks surely gave her away. “To what do I owe the the pleasure of your company?” she asked, approaching. She could hear him scoff. But her words had not been said in mocking, but rather in curiosity.

“I, like many, I’m sure, have heard tales about this planet. Its armories. Its natural splendor.” Thanos’ expression soured. “And since the queen has refused to give me the power stone until after we are wed, there is naught to do but wander.”

“Yes, she can be quite stubborn, the queen.” Her mother was certainly a force to be reckoned with. Aerendis slowly approached him, hands clasped behind her back. “Perhaps call the stone a wedding present, then. From me.” Shoulders shrugging, she briefly flashed a cheeky grin that he did not return.

“And what is the princess doing at the stables at this late hour?” Thanos chose to ignore her last words, glancing away to take in the sight of the stables.

“I find myself unable to sleep." The tone of her voice fell. “I am also… saying goodbye.” Her head turned to Cassiopeia once again, still standing just outside of her pen. The creature moved towards her, slowly, cautiously. Faraax didn’t take well to strangers.

Aerendis felt Cassiopeia’s nose brush against her arm and she lifted a hand to gently stroke her muzzle. The creature hummed inquisitively, never taking her eyes off of Thanos. He met her gaze in kind, remembering that face from just hours ago.

“What do you call these creatures?” he asked.

“Faraax. This is Cassiopeia. She’s mine.” A somber expression took over her features as she turned to the creature, hand lifting away her thick fur. “In that pen over there -” She gestured to the first stall on the left. “-is her mother. Across the way is her father. They’ve all been hand-reared by my family. But Cassiopeia is mine, taken care of by me since her birth.” It was all she could do to swallow the sadness down before tears welled in her eyes once again. “I could not leave without saying goodbye to her.”

Thanos seemed to understand, replying with a simple nod of his head. Nerves suddenly caught in the princess’ chest, however. Making conversation with the one she was set to marry seemed difficult already. He was undoubtedly impatient, wanting nothing more than to hold the power stone in his hand and leave Tovarion forever. Their offer had meant a setback for him. Still, Aerendis could not help but be grateful.

After a pause, she took another step towards him. “Perhaps we should let them rest.” Releasing Cassiopeia, she moved swiftly past him and out into the cool night air. She could hear his own footsteps crunching in the dirt behind her. And as she suspected, the Faraax padded softly after them. A protector, a companion to accompany her in his presence.

Aerendis and Thanos began to walk slowly in stride, moving further away from the stables and into the lush palace gardens. “If I may…” she broke their silence not after long, clasping sweating palms together as her chin tilted up to capture his gaze. “I wanted to thank you. On behalf of my people. The offer to marry was my idea and I doubted that you would accept. I am grateful that you understood and allowed me to act in their best interest.”

“They may call me many things, but I am not without mercy, princess,” he replied sharply. “You’ll be wise to remember that.”

“I absolutely shall.”

“Tovarion is an ancient culture,” he continued. “I could have easily killed your people and taken the stone, but even I can show leniency to one of the oldest worlds in the universe." He sighed. "In the end, the stone will be mine and life on Tovarion will go on as it has for millions of years.”

For a moment, Aerendis thought he meant to continue, but only silence followed. There was something hidden beneath his words. Something that she could not decipher. Her brow furrowed. “Again, I thank you. I hope I will not disappoint as an emissary or as a wife.” It was difficult to read him, but she was certain that the marriage mattered as little to him as it did to her. There was only one thing he wanted from Tovarion.

“Speaking of which, princess,” he said as they came upon the stone terrace that marked the barrier between the gardens and the city below. Cassiopeia lingered behind, grazing on the silvery grass that shone in the moonlight. “What am I to expect of tomorrow?”

Aerendis approached the half wall at the end of the paving, leaning against it to fix her eyes on the city skyline. Committing it to memory was her goal. “I will wake at dawn. I will spend the early morning at the temple. It is customary to make offerings to our gods - to ask them for their blessings and thank them for bringing about the union of spouses.” Her round lips pulled into a thin line. “Were you Tovari, your attendance would be required. But my mother thought it best not to…” She hummed, trying to find the right words. “...ask you to participate in more than she believes you wish to. If you keep any gods of your own, we can make accommodations --”

“No, princess,” he replied simply. She could feel his gaze even as her own eyes danced across the rooftops below. “I do not.”

“Ah. Well, in that case… you and I will then spend the remainder of the day preparing for the ceremony. I will be attended by the women in my household. My mother, her sister, my companions. And you will have the men in your household.” It was more question than statement. Aerendis knew of the beings that had accompanied him earlier that day, but knew not if they were companions or servants. “My brother Erodhil will join you, since he will be your brother by law. If… that is fine by you.”

Thanos did not seem entirely pleased, but, then again, he did not seem pleased by even a small part of this spectacle. “Very well.”

“The ceremony will transpire at sundown, presided over by our high priestess. She will conduct all she can in the common tongue, though many parts require Tovari invocations.”

“Am I expected to know how your people conduct their weddings?”

“She will guide us through,” Aerendis reassured him. “After that will be a reception. The guests will likely still carry on celebrating long after we have left Tovarion. Expect the wine to flow freely and the music to carry on all night long.” Drink and boisterous partying were never a good mix - and the Tovari certainly loved to do both.

“It seems that we have a long day ahead of us, princess.” Thanos, too, was looking out across the city, now, not noticing as Aerendis finally turned to look at him.

“That we do.”

The Titan pushed away from the wall, only throwing a passing glance at her as he turned to walk away. “Get some rest, princess.”

“You should, too,” she called after him.

As she watched him return to the palace, she leaned against the cold stone and heaved a great sigh. The weight of what was about to transpire began to slowly lower onto her. The closer it all came, the more real it seemed. With one more glance over her shoulder at her beautiful city, Aerendis slowly led Cassiopeia back through the gardens and to the stables.

Rest did not come easily to her, but she found some comfort curled against her Faraax’s body. The warmth and slow ebbing of her breaths eventually lulled Aerendis into a fitful sleep.

[maddie-grove]

Bi-Monthly Reading Round-Up (July/August)

PLAYLIST

"Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson (The Wonder)

“The Lusty Month of May” from Camelot (Between a Highlander and a Hard Place)

“Blood on My Name” by The Brothers Bright (Vampires in the Lemon Grove)

“Too Good at Goodbyes” by Sam Smith (A Prince on Paper)

“All I See Is You” by Dusty Springfield (The End of Everything)

“Your Song” by Elton John (Patience and Sarah)

“Reach Out and Touch (Somebody’s Hand)” by Diana Ross (Touchy Subjects)

“When You’re Young and in Love” by the Marvelettes (Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda)

“No Sleep Tonight” by the Faders (Can’t Escape Love)

“Take Me in Your Arms (Rock Me a Little While)” by Kim Weston (Bury Me Deep)

“Cold Bread” by Johnny Flynn (Fludd)

“Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen (The Rest of the Story)

“How Can I Meet Her?” by the Everly Brothers (Someone to Honor)

“A Matter of Trust” by Billy Joel (The Scandalous Secret of Abigail MacGregor)

BEST OF THE BI-MONTH

The Wonder by Emma Donoghue (2016): Lib Wright, an English nurse who worked with Florence Nightingale in the Crimean War, is hired to observe Anna O’Donnell, an eleven-year-old Irish girl who claims to have not eaten for four months. Initially exasperated at the everyone’s credulity, Lib gradually realizes that there’s a lot more going on with Anna, her family, and her village than she thought...and that the girl may be in serious danger if she doesn’t intervene. Despite my love of Donoghue’s work, I put off reading this one for a while because the subject looked so grim. Although Donoghue does deal with difficult material, the growing relationship between prickly Lib and bright-but-haunted Anna makes the novel transcendent.

WORST OF THE BI-MONTH

Between a Highlander and Hard Place by Mary Wine (2018): After her highborn suitor shows his true colors, Athena Trappes sets fire to his house in self-defense and flees to Scotland. There she attracts the attention of Symon, Laird Grant, a melancholy widower. This Elizabethan romance has its moments, notably a lovely meet-cute at a May Day celebration, but it’s mostly dull with some irritating tropes.

REST OF THE BI-MONTH

Vampires in the Lemon Grove by Karen Russell (2013): In this collection, Russell tells the stories of various oddities, including women who turn into silkworms, presidents who are reincarnated as horses, and, yes, vampires in the lemon grove. The collection is remarkably consistent, and Russell shows enormous range in it. My favorites are the utterly chilling prairie horror of “Proving Up,” the hilariously absurd “The Barn at the End of the Term,” and the heartbreaking “The Graveless Doll of Eric Mutis.”

A Prince on Paper by Alyssa Cole (2019): Nya Jerami has existed under a cloud of suspicion and gossip since her abusive father, an adviser to the king of Thesolo, was sent to prison for poisoning his political rivals. Eager to start her life properly but unsure how, Nya finds unexpected help from Johan van Braustein, the seemingly devil-may-care stepson of the king of a European micronation. This is my favorite contemporary romance I’ve ever read, with two dynamic, endearing protagonists and a strong sense of setting. Cole expertly blends realistic modern-day concerns with frothy wish fulfillment (plus a dash of fairy-tale Gothic).

The End of Everything by Megan Abbott (2011): When her best friend Evie disappears, thirteen-year-old Lizzie only has scanty clues regarding where or why. As she becomes more and more consumed with finding the answer, she discovers dark secrets underlying her seemingly placid 1980′s suburb. Of all the Abbott novels I’ve read, this is the simplest and perhaps the most disturbing. I didn’t love it, but it’s very effective.

Patience and Sarah by Isabel Miller (1969): In 1810′s Connecticut, educated “spinster” Patience White finds herself intrigued by sweet, rough-hewn Sarah Dowling. Although their families contrive to keep them apart, they eventually make it to New York and start a farm together. Of the five f/f romance novels I’ve read, this is my very favorite. Miller captures the feel of early American literature very well, and the romance has a nice balance of tension and sweetness.

Touchy Subjects by Emma Donoghue (2006): This collection of short stories is, naturally enough, organized around “touchy subjects” like babies, domesticity, strangers, desire, and death. There are some jewels in this collection: the sad/funny “WritOr” (about a struggling author who takes on a resident-writer position at a rural college), the bittersweet “The Welcome” (about a naive young lesbian with a crush on a reserved trans woman), and the strangely uplifting “Enchantment” (about a rivalry between Cajun fishermen). There’s a lot of chaff to separate from the wheat, though; many of the stories are very slight.

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli (2015): Simon Spier, an upper-middle-class teen in suburban Atlanta, isn’t 100% sure why he hasn’t come out as gay to his liberal family or friends, but for now he prefers to keep his sexuality (and a flirtatious email correspondence with an anonymous boy called Blue) under wraps. When a classmate finds out the truth and blackmails Simon into setting him up with his friend Abby, that task becomes a lot more complicated. Despite the rather disturbing premise, this is a super-cute YA novel that I would have loved when I was a YA. (At twenty-eight, I still liked it a lot; it’s just got a sense of immediacy that was a little lost on me thanks to my relatively advanced age, but would’ve been very appealing to me at sixteen.) 

Can’t Escape Love by Alyssa Cole (2019): Regina Hobbs, highly successful proprietor of a website about nerdy stuff, has it all together, except she’s suffering from a wicked case of insomnia. She’s convinced that only the voice of Gustave Nguyen, a puzzle designer she got to know after tuning into his livestream, can get her to sleep, so she contacts him to see if she can have a recording of his voice. Even though they both think it’s kind of weird, her request gets them talking...and MORE. This is a short but absolutely delightful novella about two neat people hooking up. The stakes are low, but the tensions stemming from Regina’s family keeps things interesting.

Bury Me Deep by Megan Abbott (2009): In the depths of the Great Depression, Marion Seeley finds herself alone in Phoenix while her morphine-addict husband chases redemption in Mexico. Working an administrative job at a local hospital, she falls in with party-girl nurse Louise, her TB-afflicted girlfriend Ginny, and (much to her sorrow) corrupt, handsome Joe Lanigan. Abbott’s historical crime novel takes a little while to heat up, but once it does it’s a very satisfying thriller. However, I was never convinced of Joe’s attractiveness even at a surface level, which was kind of an impediment to enjoying the story because Marion sure is.

Fludd by Hilary Mantel (1989): A mysterious stranger comes to a deeply Catholic, determinedly miserable English village in the 1950′s, claiming to be the new curate. While there, he greatly affects the lives of an alcoholic priest, his prim housekeeper, an unhappy young nun, and a pompous bishop. This is a highly peculiar, often enjoyable fable, although it drags quite a bit in the third quarter.

The Rest of the Story by Sarah Dessen (2019): Emma, an anxious seventeen-year-old who lost her mom to addiction five years ago, ends up spending part of the summer with her seldom-seen maternal relatives, who own a downscale motel in a lake town. While there, she learns about her mother’s secret history, observes the tensions between her family’s working-class community and the upscale resort people across the lake, has a low-key romance with a childhood friend, and practices her driving. This novel isn’t among Sarah Dessen’s best--the ending is a little rushed, and the romance feels perfunctory--but the setting is cool and Emma is an interesting protagonist.

Someone to Honor by Mary Balogh (2019): Years after her dad’s bigamy was revealed, resulting in her de-legitimization, reserved Abigail Westcott shows no interest in trying to re-enter society, instead opting to hang out with her convalescing Napoleonic War veteran brother. Unfortunately, his surly friend, Lieutenant Gilbert Bennington, is also intent on keeping her brother company to avoid his own problems, and he and Abigail don’t exactly get along. They come to understand each other, though, and decide to take a chance on marriage when Gilbert finds himself in trouble. I found this Regency romance to be solid but overly somber (not an infrequent issue with Balogh). I never got a great sense of who Abigail was and, while I sympathized with Gil, I also found him very irritating at times.

The Scandalous Secret of Abigail MacGregor by Paula Quinn (2015): In the late 1700′s, Queen Anne summons Davina MacGregor, secret eldest daughter of James II (and, were she not Catholic, rightful ruler of Great Britain), to court. Because Davina is sickly, her daughter Abigail, who has ambitions of being clan chieftain, goes to court in her place. She’s accompanied by Captain General Daniel Marlow, a Jacobite-hating English soldier and close friend of Anne’s. He’s got some trust issues and a stalker. This romance had a lot of potential, but too much of it is spent on the road and not enough on juicy court drama. The straight-version-of-Rachel-Weisz’s-character-in-The-Favorite villain was also, unfortunately, usurped by her much more boring lover.

[eorzeansky]

#26: Sacred

FFXIV 30 Day Writing Challenge

It took some time and some effort but they were finally able to locate a man fitting H’asim’s description. C’lai had had to pull some strings to get the answers they needed, but the end result pinpointed to upper la noscea where an older miqo’te couple had been spotted living in a homemade shack in the woods. They often brought handmade things into town to sell and had become known locally with some of the merchants.

Once in Aleport, the rumors supported the claims that the couple were in fact living out in the wilderness there; several people were able to give them a description of an older dark-skinned miqo’te male, and one vendor even said the man’s name aloud before the Seekers had even mentioned it. It was he who pointed them in the direction of the cliff and told them that their residence could be found southwest of the old mill.

A half-day’s walk and a beaten path later, the couple were staring down a quaint log cabin that was sitting serenely in the woods, only accessible by a small winding path that no one but a seasoned hunter would have been able to find. As they approached, a grizzle old man appeared on the front porch. His dark hair had faded to shades of gray but a little bit of black still remained in his salt and pepper beard. He watched the two men approach, attempting to stand up straight, but even as he did so, his posture proclaimed that he was a man who forged his body in war an eventually lost more than he had gambled for.

“Take carrre,” C’lai had whispered, standing tall and proud, ears up, tail curled. Despite the old man’s appearance, he would not lower his own defense.

“We mean you no harm,” Rathien called as they got within hearing distance. “I’m-”

“I know who you are,” Despite the battered body, the man’s voice was still strong and deep. He hobbled down off the porch, a limp noticeable in his walk. He approached without fear, even when C’lai let out a soft warning growl, and clasped his hands on the Tia’s shoulders. In his younger day’s he would have been tall, perhaps even the Nunh’s height, but with his bent back, he had to look up at the boy. Still his eyes were the same as the youth’s, the same mossy shade of green with a light that made them twinkle. “You look just like her.” His tattered ears gave a small flap, tail swaying. “My H’aru.” There was raw emotion in his voice that made the name crinkle as he spoke. “And those spots! No doubt that detestable O-tribe lad I hated so much!” Even as he said the words, the smile grew. His hands shook as he clamped down on Rathien’s shoulders. “Without a word, I know who you are, son.”

The Tia’s eyes begin to shine and he sniffed, holding in a breath. “G-Grandfather…?” He asked softly. “Y-You’re my grandfather, right?”

“Damn right I am!” The old man laughed, and the sound was like that of a youth in his twenties. “What’s your name, son?”

“R-Rathien.” He mumbled out before he caught himself. “O’vheyo!” He replied, tail going straight up, not wanting to displease his elder by having a non-tribal name. “V-Vheyo is the name my mother gave me.”

“It’s a good name.” H’asim grinned, showing off several empty spaces where teeth should have been. “And who’s this strapping buck here?” He turned to C’lai eyeing him up. “Trying to get testy with me, young man? I can still put you in your place!”

C’lai puffed up, ego inflated at being called ‘young.’ It wasn’t exactly the word people used for him when he had kids in their teens! “I would like to see you trrry.” He huffed out of his nostrils like a bull.

H’asim seemed undeterred. He rolled his shoulders back and straightened, as much as a man in his position could straighten, his posture one of pride. His tail had lost its shine, but it still curled and even Rathien could see that in the man’s younger years he would have been a force to be reckoned with.

Perhaps C’lai could see it too, even without his eyesight because his posture relaxed just in the slightest. “I am C’lai,” he announced with the confidence one must have as a Nunh. “Vheyo’s mate.”

H’asim smiled. “Well met, C’lai. Good to have you as part of the family.” C’lai blinked and his ears went back a little, taken back by the man’s words, but H’asim had already begun to hobble back towards the house. “Come in, come in!! Make yourselves at home!!”

The couple looked at one another, and then Rathien started forward. “You’re not about to go fighting my grandpa.” Rathien muttered under his breath as he went, reading C’lai’s body posture.

The Nunh gave another flap of his ears. “Well, he did offerrr…”

Inside, they were greeted by a female miqo’te with long glossy hair the color of the sky at midnight. She smiled at them behind her glasses and gave a bow of her head in acceptance. It was evident she was far younger than the old Tia, though at least old enough to be the boy’s mother, he assessed. Something about her seemed familiar to Rathien. “You’re H’eni, aren’t you?” He asked.

“I am.” Her smiled widened in surprise. “How did you know?”

“I met your son.” He explained. “And H’aku. That was how I got here.”

“I see.” H’asim had found his way into a chair and plopped down, looking a bit winded, despite his earlier boasting. “Eni, dear, why don’t you make these boys something to eat for their troubles?”

“Of course.” She smiled and bowed her head before disappearing off into the kitchen.

“H’eni was the only one who stayed with me after my defeat,” H’asim spoke aloud, almost as if he was reminiscing and not explaining. “Most of my sons and daughters blamed me for their abandonment; my mates all went running to the championed Nunh. I had nothing left to live for, and she gave me a reason to live.” His words were endearing as he followed her departure into the other room. He stared there blankly for a long time before he looked back at Rathien, and his expression turned bittersweet. “But long before that happened, your mother had already left.”

Rathien could only shyly smile back. “Y-You said earlier, but…you knew my father?” He asked softly.

“Pah,” H’asim’s face twisted as if he had tasted something foul. “He was a merciless punk. They said he killed his own father after he became Nunh, and that he beat his women. He was young and arrogant, and would rival our right for hunting territories. I kept my girls away from him deliberately whenever we crossed paths, but H’aru, she was wild and she had a weakness for those spots, the same ones you yourself now wear.” His expression turned somber. “I wanted to protect from him, but perhaps that’s what drove her to him in the first place. When I found out she had mated with him I was sick to my stomach for days. Her brothers tried to win her back but, she wanted nothing to do with any of us…and then she was gone.”

The old man’s face looked back at Rathien, and it was as if his eyes could pierce right through him. “If you are here, then it must be in her stead. Tell me….is she well? Did she find happiness in the end?”

The Seeker didn’t know where to begin, so he figured he would start where he knew best; with his own childhood, and he explained  his own upraising in Ishgard, his life as a retainer alongside his mother, their separation, what he knew about her last few years and what had happened leading up to her death. He told them of Reiya, his half-sister, and what he knew of her birth, and he described the site of his mother’s final resting place.

In the end H’asim said nothing, just closed his eyes and lowered his head into his hands.

“…The reason I came to visit,” Rathien started again when the silence in the room had become too heavy to bear. “Was that my mother always wore a ring. It was white and I think it might have had a stone in it. I’ve seen this ring in my dreams lately and I don’t know what it means but, I also don’t know if she still had it when she died.” He looked to C’lai and then back to his grandfather. “Do you know what it means?”

H’asim slowly lifted his face and his expression was thoughtful as he covered his mouth with his hand. Moments later he sighed and straightened, the tip of his tail twitching. “H’anu was your grandmother’s name.” His voice sounded weary as if he had just been in battle, though he had never moved from his seat. “She gifted me with four children. Your mother was the youngest.” He folded his hands together until his knuckles turned white. “She was killed in battle when H’aru was only a few years old. She was just barely old enough to know what had happened and she was devastated. We tend to cremate our dead but, I felt so sorry for her that I had a ring crafted for her from the bones of her mother’s remains, that was H’anu would continue to be with her, always.”

“That’s…” Rathien started.

“Such carrring and love forrr yourrr trrribe.” C’lai’s ears flapped. “It’s admirrrable, old man.”

They had dinner and said their goodbyes, Rathien promising to visit again when we he had time. “Next time, I will bring the children!” He said as the elder couple waved from the steps.

“We will be glad for it!” H’asim smiled brightly, his enthusiasm shining beyond his battered body.

Once they were alone in the forest, C’lai looked to his mate. “I can see the wheels in yourrr head turrrning, mate of mine,” He mused.

“Of all the possible things it could be, why did it have to be the sacred bones of my dead grandmother?!” He wailed, the words bursting out of his chest that had been contained there all night. “And why is it that I have the feeling my mother was not buried with the ring and now I’m being haunted by her ghost which is trying to convince me to get it back?”

“If she does not have it, then she will.” C’lai shrugged. “And we will turrrn all of Eorrrzea upside down until we find it.” Rathien stopped dead in his tracks, causing C’lai to pause. “Eorrrzea not enough? All of Garrrlemald, and Orrtharrd too?”

“Why is it that you always say the right thing, at the right time?” Rathien sighed. Somehow C’lai’s casualness about the whole thing put him at ease. “Even when this is easier said than done.”

“Because you werrre meant to do this.” He gave another shrug. “I was mean to be strrrong and have the most beautiful mate on the planet. You werrre meant to solve haunting family mysterrry and have an equally beautiful mate.” He grinned and gave another flap of his ears. “We can’t all be winnerrrs but…. finding this rrrring? Child’s play.”

Rathien could only laugh at the explanation, leaning against C’lai. It was times like this he was grateful to have him the most. “Alright then,” He said, a teasing tone to his voice. “I know where to start.”

[myaekingheart]

65. Pieces

tw: suicidal thughts

               Rei sucked in a deep breath and ran her fingers over the scratchy sequins of Naru’s accent pillow. Her apartment looked so empty and cold now that she was gone. Men had been in and out all day collecting her things, many of which were adopted by her parents for safekeeping. They were desperate to cling to whatever was left of their little girl, which only made sense. She was all they had. She wondered if losing an only child revoked your right to call yourself a parent, or if the title was permanent the moment you had a baby. But then if you lost a child, did that make you a bad parent? Did that mean you had fucked up somewhere along the lines? Or was it situational? She wouldn’t have considered Naru’s mother and father bad parents. They raised a bright, beautiful, bubbly girl. If anything, the bad guy here was Rei. She was the one who let her best friend die. A sharp pain tinged between her breasts. Rei hugged the pillow to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut tight.  

               She had barely gotten any sleep the past two weeks. Heavy dark circles resided under her eyes, and her hands had taken it upon themselves to start trembling relentlessly. She looked to an old framed picture on the desk, of the three of them when they were children, and wondered if Sekkachi was alright. Rei hadn’t seen her since the incident in the cemetery. Her stomach flipped at the thought of it. I’m worthless, she thought to herself. None of this would’ve happened if she had just done better.

               Rei wondered if Sekkachi had been by recently, if there was anything in the apartment she may have wanted. Or at least anything material, a crappy keepsake. By the weekend, the place would be completely cleared out. There would no longer be any indication that Naru had lived there except in memory. Rei tugged open one of the desk drawers, filing through a tangled mess of necklaces Naru probably never even wore. The tacky kind she would’ve been into as a teenager but couldn’t stand to part with as an adult. She also insisted she might need them someday. Rei wondered if Sekkachi would have any interest, or if they were too delicate and pretty for her sake. And then her fingers found, in the back of the drawer, a small gold foil box. She tipped the lid off and inside was a single stud earring, a glistening aquamarine—Naru’s favorite color. Where it’s twin was, Rei had no clue. They looked like they hadn’t been worn in ages. Rei inspected the earring for a moment, considering gifting it to Sekkachi, then thought better of it. It would’ve made a nice apologetic gesture if nothing else, but it wasn’t worth it. For all she knew, Sekkachi wanted her dead. Arriving at her doorstep would only speed up the process. She couldn’t stand to leave the box alone, though. Perhaps she could just have someone else deliver it, like Guy. She could ensure he would pass it along properly. No direct contact needed. In a moment of weakness, she tucked the box into her pouch and closed the drawer.

               Heaving a sigh, Rei rose from the bed, sequined pillow in tow, and trudged across the hall to her own apartment. The longer she hung around at Naru’s, the worse she was going to feel. It was too painful to linger now. There were too many memories pressing against her brain like emotional meningitis.

               A part of her felt guilty for taking the pillow, as if she had no right to, but it wasn’t like she had looted the whole place. Besides, that pillow was the only thing she really needed. Rei was never one for sparkly things herself, but it was just so Naru. Flashy and upbeat and maybe a little obnoxious. She placed it carefully upon her unmade bed, then thought the damn thing (and, by extension, Naru) deserved better.

               “How are you holding up?” a gentle voice then called from the doorway. Rei recognized it instantly.

               Pasting on a fake smile, she turned around and greeted Kakashi with an equally fake response. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

               Even with that mask on, it was clear the Copy Ninja was frowning. “You don’t have to lie in front of me” he reminded her, stepping nearer and brushing the bangs out of her face. “I know you’re upset.”

               “No, really, I’m alright” Rei insisted, taking a step back. She widened her grin, but her fists were clenched at her sides. “Besides” she added, “Even if I wasn’t, I don’t have time to sit around and sulk. I have work to do.”

               Kakashi watched her approach her dresser and begin changing into her uniform. A strong sense of uneas e fluttered through him and as she reached for her mask, he placed his hand atop hers to halt her. “I’m not so sure this is a good idea” he replied. “It’s too soon. You shouldn’t be going back to work.”

               Shaking her head, Rei attempted to meet his eyes but knew he would see right through her bullshit if she did, so she simply turned her attention instead to the zipper on his vest. “You act like I’m the one who was injured” she replied quietly, forcing a bittersweet laugh. Her scrapes and bruises had long since healed. Her conscience, however, was beyond repair. Not that it mattered, though. This was just her new normal, and all she needed was to adjust. Placing a comforting hand on Kakashi’s chest, she murmured, “I’ll be fine. Promise. No need to worry about me.”

               “I will always worry about you” Kakashi replied, but he took no other measures to stop her. Rather, he simply kissed her forehead through his mask and let her fix her own to her face.

               As he walked her down to the lobby of her apartment complex, however, she stopped a look of recognition touched her face. “Kakashi, do you have plans to see Guy soon?” she asked.

               “I wouldn’t be surprised if I ran into him” Kakashi replied. “Why?”

               “I need you to give him something for me” she said, fishing around her back pouch. She pulled out the little gold tin foil box and held it out to her boyfriend. “Give this to Guy for me, and make sure he knows it’s for Sekkachi. It was from Naru’s apartment. I thought she might want at least something.” There was a somber undercurrent in her voice and Kakashi’s heart swelled. Even after everything, it was true that Rei still cared.

               Kakashi nodded as he gently slipped the box into his own pouch. “I’ll make sure it gets to her safely” he replied. He reached out and squeezed her hand comfortingly, then bid her a brief goodbye. He watched her disappear from the lobby, a terrible feeling suddenly overwhelming him. Despite her brave face, he knew there was no way this could end well. And he was right.

                Kakashi dropped everything the minute he heard the news. His heart raced in his chest, his unusually steady hands shaking. As expected, Rei had lied. She wrongly assumed that getting back to work was the perfect distraction, when in reality it only made things worse. She lost her focus, she couldn’t think. When the enemy attacked, all she saw were blood and bodies.

               Shizune led Kakashi back to Rei’s hospital room where he found her unconscious but restless. He clenched his fists and approached cautiously, kneeling down beside her and brushing the hair away from her face. He couldn’t stand to see her like this. He closed his eyes and inhaled sharply to try and quench the pain. He pulled her hand into his and kissed it gently, then looked to Shizune and asked, “Is she going to be okay?”

               In her unconscious haze, it felt as if Rei was reliving everything on a loop, each time more vivid than the last. She lost herself in Naru’s cloudy blue eyes, the touch of her clammy skin, the way her mouth refused to shut. What have I done?! She heard her own voice scream, disconnected from her body. Oh god, what have I done?!

               A bright white light hit her in the face and for a moment, she thought that she, too, had finally died. But then the intensity faded out and she noticed a pair of strong arms wrapped around her. It immediately became clear, then, that she was in the hospital.

               “Rei, shh, calm down, it’s fine. You’re fine. Everything’s fine” Kakashi’s voice steady voice echoed. He held her close and kissed her forehead—anything to try to comfort her. Her entire body was racked with sobs so wild she could hardly breathe except to croak out wailed apologies, and her face was damp with tears and sweat. She hadn’t even realized she was trying to dig her nails into her forearms until Kakashi tugged her hand away, and she looked down to find dozens of little half-moon imprints in the soft flesh. “Rei, stop” he insisted, voice pleading but firm. “Slow your breathing down, it’s okay.” But she couldn’t stop. Not really. She fucked up everything she touched. She was a worthless piece of shit. Her best friend was dead because of her and nothing else mattered anymore.

               Shizune’s heart broke as she watched the scene unfold at a distance. This was the true weight of what this career could do to a person. At least, on the bright side, there was Kakashi. It was blatantly clear in this moment more than ever just how dedicated he was to Rei. It was one thing to say you loved someone, but to stick by their side through the grittiest, ugliest parts of their life was another entirely. She didn’t think she had ever seen anyone quite so devoted and tender.

               When she relayed the news to Tsunade, the hokage sighed and rubbed her temples in frustration. She wanted to give Rei the benefit of the doubt, but the state of her mental health was undeniable now. There was no other choice but to defer her from her duties. “We’ll start with two weeks” she said. “With frequent check-ins throughout. If she needs more time afterward, then so be it, but under no circumstances can we have her running around with weapons in her current state.”

               A sly smile touched the lips of an eavesdropper in the hallway. For a tiny sliver of a moment, Tenshi felt bad for Rei, but her compassion was overpowered by her own selfishness. She couldn’t wait to see the rest of her teammates’ reactions to this. Besides, they’d likely wonder where Rei was when she didn’t show up for work, anyway. Someone had to relay the message. It was only fair that Tenshi take responsibility. After all, she was the one who saved Rei from certain death in the field.

               Tenzo shifted uncomfortably as he overheard talk of Rein the ANBU locker rooms. Men spoke unkindly of her, calling her menhera, and making faces as if to allude to her psychosis. The whole thing honestly made him sick. He wondered who had started such rumors, but deep down he already knew the answer.

               “I can’t help but feel like it’s all a little insensitive” he said later, wandering the village alongside Mikazuki. “I mean, she’s clearly having a rough time. Don’t you think people should be a little more compassionate?”

               “If there is one thing I have learned about the ANBU” Mikazuki replied softly, munching on dango, “is that there is no room for compassion. And with Tenshi, that goes tenfold.”

               Tenzo shook his head and sighed. “I understand the way we’re expected to do things around here” he replied, “but sometimes there are exceptions, and this feels like one of them.”

               “I agree” Mikazuki nodded minutely. “I don’t think we should lose an ounce of our compassion, but that’s not what they want us to believe. If only Tenshi could understand.”

               “Do you think she ever will?” Tenzo asked. A stupid question, really.

               Sighing, Maikzuki dolefully took a big bite of her dango and replied, “No.”

               Rei croaked awake to find Kakashi fast asleep beside her, his head resting on the edge of the bed. Has he been here this entire time? she wondered. Her heart ached at the sight of him. He was wasting his time. He had work to do, didn’t he? He shouldn’t be absent from his duties just for her. As she shifted and stretched her arms up into the air, Kakashi stirred awake with a sleepy smile and rubbed her thigh affectionately.

               “Did you sleep alright?” he asked. She had been so tired, he hoped she had gotten at least some semblance of an adequate rest.

               Drawing her knees to her chest, she shrugged and glanced out the window. “I guess” she murmured. “It’s just so hard to get the thoughts out of my head…”

               “Is there anything I can do?” Kakashi asked.

               Rei shook her head. “You’ve done more than enough” she whispered. “I won’t ask too much of you.”

               “It’s no trouble at all” he replied. “I would do anything for you, you know that.”

               “Just because you would doesn’t mean you should” she said. “Besides, I don’t deserve it.”

               “Don’t talk like that” Kakashi insisted. “That’s not true and you know it.”

               “Yes, it is!” Rei fired back. “I’m a terrible person! I don’t even understand why I’m still alive right now! I should’ve died back there, on my last mission. I was stupid and unfocused, and I should’ve paid the price. I still don’t understand how I’m still breathing, or who stepped in to save me, but I’d like to find out so I can sucker punch them in the gut because they should’ve left me for dead!”

               “And what do you think is going to happen if you die, Rei?” Kakashi asked. “Do you think the world and everyone in it would be better off? Or happier? Because they wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.”

               “There are far better options out there, Kakashi” Rei replied, burrowing back into the blankets. “You don’t deserve to be stuck with a basketcase like me. I’ve only ever brought you trouble, anyway.”

               Taking her hands in his, he pulled them close and insisted—no, begged—her, “I refuse to let you believe that, Rei. There isn’t anyone else I would want to be with. You mean the world to me. You’re all I have.”

               “And that’s still not enough” Rei replied. “Don’t waste your time on me, when you could have something better.”

               “Why do you keep insisting that you’re not good enough?” Kakashi demanded.

               “Because it’s the truth?” Rei replied. “I’m a terrible person, Kakashi. I break or hurt or kill everything I touch. I’m an insensitive, worthless piece of shit. I’ve even hurt you.”

               “What do you mean?” he asked.

               She pulled the covers up over her face so that only her eyes and the top of her head were visible. Her voice quivered as she spoke. “I know what it’s like now…to lose someone. I never should’ve asked you to stop visiting the cemetery. I’m so fucking selfish, I’m such an idiot, I…”

               Kakashi leaned back and sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “You don’t have to apologize” he finally said. “I understood your reasons. You were just scared.”

               “It doesn’t matter” Rei shook her head. “I was so mean to you about it, so….so insensitive. And now this is what I get for punishment. It rips me apart every goddamn day. All I want to do is go and sit next to her, or bargain with God or something, ask him to take me instead if I could just bring her back. She deserves it more than I do, anyway. But I know that’s impossible. I can never undo the damage I’ve done. And it hurts…oh god, it hurts.” Her voice cracked, and tears began to well up in her eyes again. She gripped the sheets, then buried her face in her pillow and broke down. All Kakashi could do was sigh, rest his head beside hers, and rub her back while whispering tender assurances.

               When she was finally released from the hospital, he walked slowly alongside her back to her apartment. The closer they came, however, the more she began to tremble until finally she stood stock-still outside the front door looking as if she was about to have another breakdown. The mere thought of returning, of seeing Naru’s empty apartment across the hall, was too much to bear. Kakashi placed a reassuring hand on the small of her back, then went up by himself to pack her an overnight bag. If she couldn’t sleep in her own bed tonight, then she would find home in his.

               That night, he couldn’t bring himself to sleep. He kept looking over to Rei passed out beside him, her entire body curled up tight. He had an assignment the day after next, but could he really leave her like this? His mind flashed back to that night he found her on the bathroom floor, the cuts up her arms and on her thighs. He never wanted to ever see her do that to herself again, he was so desperate about it he could feel it deep in the pit of his chest like rising anger. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets and exhaled sharply, considering his options. He would just have to speak with Lady Tsunade in the morning and come to an agreement.

               Rei stirred awake to blinding sunlight striking her square in the face. She groaned and sniffed the air, the smell of citrus punching her. And then she caught sight of a blurry green figure looming over her. Startled, she reached for the kunai on the nightstand and aimed it at her opponent, only to find once her vision clarified that it was Might Guy. He seemed completely unaffected.

               “Rise and shine!” he announced cheerily. “It’s a beautiful morning, you don’t want to miss it!” He leapt up and ripped the curtains open even wider, bathing the entire room in a pastoral glow.

               Rei winced and shielded her eyes, setting the kunai back down on the nightstand. Beside it sat a tray of food: a fresh orange, a bowl of porridge, a glass of ice water. “Guy, what the hell are you doing here?” she asked. “Where’s Kakashi?”

               “Kakashi had some errands to run this morning but he didn’t want to leave you alone so he sent me!” Guy explained. Oh, perfect, Rei thought to herself. Just what she needed.

               Lady Tsunade rubbed her forehead as she contemplated Kakashi’s plea. She understood his desperation—she was not heartless, but things in Konoha were rough. The Akatsuki remained an ever-looming threat and Kakashi was one of their strongest. She couldn’t afford to lose him. “What other options are there?” she asked. “Is there anyone else you feel safe leaving her with so you don’t have to miss work?”

               The first thing that popped into Kakashi’s mind was her family, but even then he knew that was a risk. The safest place for her to be was with him. If only that was possible. He accepted that he could not just drop everything to stay by her side. Sometimes something like that just isn’t in the cards. He didn’t want to have to do this, but he knew deep down he had no other choice. He accepted the circumstances, and together he and Tsunade made an agreement.

               Kaminoki will be good for you, he had tried to tell her. He carried her things to her parent’s apartment, keeping a close eye on her anxiety. He could tell she was scared. He could tell she didn’t want to do this. It broke his heart to know this was because he couldn’t find a way to stay with her. They reached the bookstore and Grandma Teiko hobbled out to greet them. At least that was the one saving grace of this plan: if anything, Kakashi knew without a doubt that he could trust Grandma Teiko. She kept Rei sane all those years when she was growing up, he expected her to have the same effect now. She smiled up at him and patted him on the arm, a silent seal of approval. The twinkle in her eye told him she was proud and appreciated everything he had done thus far. A confirmation that he was leaving Rei in good hands.  

               Before departing, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. If only he could hug her tight enough to merge all her broken pieces back together. “Stay safe” he whispered, kissing her forehead. She couldn’t meet his eyes, couldn’t promise him. “And I’m leaving you with this” he then said, handing her a scroll from his pouch. “If you have a panic attack again, I want you to summon Pakkun.” He had faith his steadfast ninken would know what to do and would be able to help calm her down like an emotional support animal. It was an extra layer of protection against whatever triggers might appear while he was gone. She took the scroll and hugged it to her chest, then nodded once and finally looked up at him. The sadness in her eyes, the defeat, made it so damn hard to leave but he knew he had no choice. He kissed her goodbye and then disappeared.

               Despite the handful of berating comments from her parents, helping out at the bookstore was the perfect distraction. It provided her the busywork she felt she needed while also safeguarding her from anything more dangerous than the occasional paper cut. It helped that they had been rather busy lately, as well. Rei wasn’t quite sure what it was, but day in and day out they were visited by scores of children hungry to read. Interacting with them was a nice change of pace, even if Rei wasn’t particularly gifted with kids. They were wide-eyed and wondrous, with no real worries or responsibility. Deep down, Rei missed those simple, halcyon days. She wished she had still retained the same innocence and purity. If only their inevitable corruption could be delayed—she’d hate to see them face the same pain and suffering that she felt. Running around with paper ninja headbands, they knew nothing of the true strife of this career.

               During busy hours, she was, for the most part, fine. It was when Kaminoki reached a lull that her mind played dangerous games. With nothing to do, her thoughts began to wander and soon, she was gripping the edge of the checkout counter struggling to breathe. She considered the scroll in her back pocket, but then a different thought entered her mind. She sucked in a deep breath, then approached the fiction shelves and perused all the way to “H,” pulling a familiar title. How a Shinobi Should Die.

               This was pointless. No matter what she tried, she was certain there was no way to ever end this overwhelming guilt. She would live with this pain for the rest of her life, so it only made sense to shorten it. She would have to be discreet about it, and quick. She flipped through the pages of the book, her hands shaking, desperate for ideas.

               “Catching up on some reading material?” a voice then spoke. Interrupted from her rapid-fire thoughts, Rei startled and shoved the book behind her back.

               “Th-things are just…slow…” she said, and was surprised to find how out of breath she was. Grandma Teiko cocked a brow in suspicion and hobbled forward, snatching the book from behind Rei’s back.

               “How a Shinobi Should Die, huh?” she asked. “A popular title with the edgy youth. They’re all razors and drugs these days” she shook her head. Rei could feel the sweat beading on her brow, the lump rising in her throat. She should’ve just summoned the damn dog. At least then she could avoid this awful confrontation. With a knowing glimmer in her eye, Teiko approached the door and turned the sign to “CLOSED,” then motioned for Rei to follow her upstairs. “Let’s have a little talk.”

               She really didn’t want to do this. What if her mother overheard, and went hysterical? What if her father was to walk in and seethe? No, it was easier to just keep things a secret. When it was only herself, there was no fear of judgment. But Grandma Teiko would not let her off the hook.

               “I’ve heard the things they’ve been saying about you, you know” she said, settling into the window seat in Rei’s old bedroom. Her belongings had since been replaced with bookshelves bowing at the center from thick financial binders and desks cluttered with paperwork. Rei took a seat beside the old woman and sighed. “I want to remind you that I won’t judge you for anything you say to me today. I just want to hear your side of the story.”

               Rei shook her head, swatted at the air. “It’s really nothing. You don’t have to worry.”

               Grandma Teiko twisted her cane in her hands. “Don’t make me use this on you, girl” she threatened. “You seem to forget what a good bonk to the head can do!”

               “Sorry” Rei murmured. She twiddled her thumbs in her lap and chewed her bottom lip, hoping that perhaps she could get out of this if she just avoided it long enough. Maybe then the old woman would give up and let her be. Realistically, though, she knew Grandma Teiko wasn’t going to budge.

               After a long stretch of waiting, Rei finally caved. She told the old woman everything, fighting tears the whole time. If she had to be open about things, she at least refused to cry about it. Grandma Teiko listened dutifully, patting Rei on the back and reminding her during especially rough patches of retelling that it was more than okay for her to take her time. Rei truly felt pathetic, but at the same time it was mildly refreshing to purge herself of all these thoughts and feelings. When she was done, Grandma Teiko sucked in sharp breath and frowned.

               “It seems like you’ve had a lot on your plate, girl” she commented after a moment of silence. “I know how much Naru meant to you. She was a sweet girl, I always liked her. Her death is a real tragedy, but you know what else is a tragedy?”

               “What?” Rei asked, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

               “The way you keep blaming yourself for what happened” Teiko replied, “Especially going so far as to want to kill yourself. That’s no way to react.”

               Rei didn’t want to feel offended, but she did. “Well, what else am I supposed to do?” she asked, a fury rising from deep within her. “It only makes sense—a life for a life. I’ve caused so much pain, I’ve fucked everything up, I deserve the worst level of punishment possible.”

               “And what do you think Naru would think of this solution?” Teiko asked. “Do you think she would agree?”

               Pausing, Rei pursed her lips and averted her eyes. She could see the whole thing playing out in her head: Naru would find out and lose her mind, start a whole big spiel about how beautiful the world was and how there was so much possibility, and what good did hurting herself do? It didn’t make any sense and she would insist Rei stopped right now or else Naru would kick her butt. She would be furious. But that was the thing: she wasn’t here. What she might’ve thought no longer mattered.

               Sensing her granddaughter’s thought process, Grandma Teiko stood up and shuffled to the window. “Grief is a terrible thing, and I know it’s not something you can get over just like that”—here, she snapped her fingers to further enhance her point. “The important thing is that we don’t let it consume us. We only have one life, girl. It would be a shame to waste it preoccupied with death.” She turned back around and approached Rei, cupping her cheek in a maternal nature. “I know nothing anyone says is ever going to make you feel better about Naru, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to be angry and sad, you’re expected to grieve. Cry, scream, punch a tree, whatever you need to do to get those feelings out. Just make smart choices about it—don’t hurt yourself because you think you deserve it, because you don’t. It’s easy to blame ourselves but remember that battles are not self-contained. It takes two to tango, as they say. Just because Naru died doesn’t mean you failed, it just means those assholes you were up against made the wrong choice for your case. If anyone should face blame, it’s them. After all, you didn’t stick a weapon in her chest, did you? No, it was them. So it wasn’t your fault.” Rei sighed and tried to remind herself that Grandma Teiko had eons more experience than she did on the matter, and likely had lost tons of friends throughout her life, but she still found it hard to pick herself back up after everything. Grandma Teiko reseated herself beside her granddaughter, taking her hands in hers, and forced Rei to look at her. “And more than anything, I never want to see you looking into suicide ever again, understood? Or else this cane will hit your head, more than once. Killing yourself is never the answer, and will always bring more harm than good. You’ve come too far and worked far too hard to give everything up now. Think of everything you’ll lose.” There was a knowing glimmer in her eyes that silently added to Grandma Teiko’s argument, and Rei knew in that moment she was especially referring to Kakashi. All those years when she pined after him, Grandma Teiko was right by her side training her and pushing her to do her best, to prove her worth, and ready with wisdom and comfort when Rei hit a depressive spell. She knew she could never leave him like that without feeling incredible remorse; and really, after all this time, she had finally gotten exactly what she wanted. Was she really willing to give it all up so soon?

               Rei slowly descended the stairs, trying to sort through all the new thoughts flurrying in her brain. A couple customers stood outside Kaminoki peering through the windows, trying to deduce why the shop was closed in the middle of the day like this. Rei turned the sign back around and welcomed them inside, pasting a fake smile on her face. They likely already knew her current condition—it seemed the entire village had—but she didn’t need to add fuel to the fire. As she assisted them and then rang them up, however, she thought about her conversation with Grandma Teiko. When the shop reached another lull, she weaved through the bookshelves toward the self-help section. There were a few titles that Grandma Teiko had recommended to help her sort through her thoughts and feelings, a type of DIY therapy so to speak, that intrigued her. She located one on the shelf and began thumbing through the pages, eyeing diagrams about breathing techniques and self care. She couldn’t be sure if any of these would really work but somewhere inside of her she knew she needed to at least try. There was at least one thing Grandma Teiko was certainly correct about: she had come too far and worked far too hard to give everything up now. It was scary, and she was tired, but she needed to try.

[tumblunni]

Speaking of my dumb story ideas, I’ve been thinking some stuff to flesh out the Cathedral Game’s setting! RANDOM IDEAS AHOY LONG POST AHOY

* I’m thinking I need to make some concrete ideas for the villains maybe. When I first had the dream that inspired this all, it was just some sort of ambiguous ‘demon army’, kinda like a mindless zombie plague or i dunno, maybe the demons were sentient but they were all evil except for florin anyway? It was a more boring cliche kind of enemy than I usually write, with no moral grey area. Just an endless wave of foes that would justify the setting where everyone is stuck living inside a church and you have to defend it and try and turn it into a little town. And I guess if we had to have a 100% evil enemy with very little character development then it makes me less uncomfortable if theyre some sort of supernatural nonsentient plague instead of a bunch of people born evil. But then Florin existing as your sidekick was like the first part of the dream and it was never explained why he was the only non evil, completely sentient demon. Plus now I have a different zombie-themed story so mindless plagues would be samey. PLUS... welll... I need to stop being all ‘because I saw it in a dream it is somehow a cosmic message that it has to be in the story and can never be changed’. Kinda the point of being awake is that i can look at things more rationally and plug the ol plotholes, yo!

* So anyway, the idea I had was that it would... just simply be an actual army of actual villains with actual motivations and moral ambiguity. I was thinking maybe the setting could be like the perspective of civilians trapped in-between a civil war between two countries, just trying to survive and hoping that the promise of reincforcements coming to evacuate is actually true. The gamneplay of holding the fort and constantly gunning down enemies could be even more depressing when you know that not all of them are necessarily evil, they’re just soldiers doing their job. Maybe its ambiguous whether your country or their country shot first, maybe its like their country is suffering from some form of recession or illness or lack of resources and they’re only trying to conquer this other country because their families are dying at home? Maybe its some form of religious conflict, or maybe its even something with a very villainous dictator running the show but the people working underneath them are just normal citizens forcibly drafted into a war they dont believe in. There’s a whole pile of different possibilities for moral ambiguity, yo! Not sure yet which would work best, hmm...

* Might possibly be an opportunity to use a character I’ve been sitting on for a while but couldnt find a story that suited her. After I played Fe: Awakening I felt really uncomfortable about how the game treated Excellus as if he was hateable only because he was ugly and ambiguously gay/transgender. like.. he’s a horrible jerk of a villain yet the plot really overfocuses on insulting his appearance and gender rather than retaliating against the things he actually does. Made me feel sympathy for a jerk I never wanted to feel sympathy for! So I kinda ended up being inspired by the wasted potential and thinking up an idea for a similar character who actually IS sympathetic, and has the ambiguous LGBTQ aspect properly explored as a plotline. I think it could actually be powerfully sympathetic to see this villain who’s constantly degraded and misgendered by her teammates, and has a lot of reason to believe the worst of humanity. Someone who could switch sides if shown some basic decency by our heroes, maybe? And I felt it could be good if she did have a very similar personality to Excellus, just like a good version of it. She could still be a comic relief egotistical person, but not a murderous monster. And the ego could be like... sad, because she’s purposely trying to act unaffected and secure and like she loves herself, when really she’s being treated like shit and doesnt know if she deserves it or not. And I was thinking also possibly she could be a greedy merchant type character, like Anna? (also from Fe: Awakening) That could be the role she takes in the town once you recruit her, she could be a savvy businesswoman badass! Playing rune factory 4 makes me appreciate how cool a trader character can be, Arthur is so neato~! He talks about it like its the most amazing job ever, I just feel like it could be even cooler if we had that passion along with a more goofy greedy personality. Like ‘hahaha im only in it for the money’, but no, she really has this kinda cheesy cute reason why she does the job, she just really enjoys meeting new people and being able to change the world a little piece at a time. It reaffirms her faith in humanity after all she’s been through. (Tho also she’s still a total badass, since she was a former general of the villain country, after all!)

* Oh and I was thinking of a really tragic alternative route for her if you don’t recruit her. You could fight her multiple times throughout the game and then when you get to the final one and she realizes there’s no escape she suddenly drops the comic relief act and it gets really somber. I was thinking maybe she could have a mentor type character or a friend or a love interest or something? Or some other something she was trying to keep safe all along, some reason why she still had hope, some reason why she was fighting for an army she didnt believe in, just to save up enough money for... some sort of life goal? I dunno, maybe she has a sibling who’s in the hospital and she’s trying to save up for treatment, and then on the day of the final battle she gets a telegram hearing that they died and she wasnt even there to say goodbye. (And the death would somehow be directly caused by the player’s actions, thus determining whether you recruit her or not) So even though every time before she always flaked out like a coward with a comedic quip as soon as it looked like she was losing, now she just doesnt have anything else left to lose. This time she WILL NOT LET YOU redeem her, she will not let you SPARE her, she doesnt even speak a single word in the entire battle. Her difficulty spikes immensely in this fight to the death, and she only cracks a smile and gives a parting quip once you’ve dealt the final blow. And I was just imagining it could be EXTRA depressing combined with her plot of facing predjudice for being transgender! She’s spent most of this time being treated by the other commanders as ‘sir [name]’, gritting her teeth and bearing all this degredation, trying not to stand out too much. But in the end now nobody else is here to put her down, all those other ‘brave knights’ are the ones who ran away like cowards and left the ‘coward’ to take the last stand. And she doesnt care if she dies anymore. So she hangs up her armour for this fight and instead decides to go out in all her finery, wearing the dress she’s kept locked away in her trunk the whole time. Walking onto the battlefield like a bloody bride, and being one hell of a monster boss battle despite missing all of her platemail. A whirling dance of death! To go out smiling! To maybe make her family proud, and if she can meet them on the other side she could do it with the face she always wanted to wear.

* ....basically make it super depressing so you regret your actions and go back and see what the other option leads to. But also so badass that people wouldnt regret seeing the scene, yknow? And this might be the height of her character arc, kinda, but she’d be able to have whole new character arcs if you choose to recruit her. And you can make your own badass battles with her now! * Not sure tho whether maybe the family member/mentor/whoever might die either way though? That could fit the bittersweet found-family themes of the game, pretty much everybody’s someone who’s lost their biological relations and found new people to love in this new community. It could just be like... the choice between this person dying tragically and causing merchant-general-lady to commit suicide, or them passing away naturally due to their illness after saying goodbye to her, leading to her joining the heroes to try and prevent tragedies like this. * A possible other EVEN MORE tragic idea I had- an alternative where this person has already been dead for a long time before the start of the story, and the villain leader has been lying to merchant-general in order to keep her working as their minion. So the player choice would be like... you can reveal it to her and purposely send her into a suicidal spiral as an attempt to destabilize the enemy forces and win an important battle. Its a complete dick move, yes, but it could save the lives of all your family and friends! But then if you believe that this merchant-general is actually redeemable you could like... do the same thing but with different motives, in a different way. Reveal it in less of a sadistic, tactically-planned way, and more of a ‘no seriously this is why you cant trust your boss’ way. And she’d be likely to actually believe you if you’d been befriending her before now. * Or perhaps maybe her sibling died years ago and she heard about it but was unable to accept it, since it was her only reason to keep on going. Maybe she feels guilt that she was too busy making money to try and save them, and that meant she wasnt there to hold their hand when they passed away. So now she keeps on hoarding money for no purpose at all, except because this routine keeps her going. And she keeps writing letters to someone who’s already dead. * buuuut that might be too similar to Malachi’s plot, since he has memory problems regarding a tragic event in his past. Though it was his own death rather than a family member’s! ....actually I dunno, maybe a twist could be that he’s actually her lost sibling? That’d kinda be wrapping things up too coincidentally though. But on the other hand it could be an interesting plot to explore his relationship with his newly returned biological sibling, compared to the adoptive relationship he’s been developing with Florin. RIVALS FOR TINY BABBU’S LOVE! Buuuuuut I also liked the idea of Florin’s death being very far back in the timeline, and he’s been sleeping underneath those ruins for over a century. It could be cool to have him experiencing a lot of things for the first time, and to get a perspective on the past before the war...

* ALSO ANOTHER POTENTIAL CHARACTER IDEA * Another enemy recruit maybe! I seem to be going in twos, I made two demon characters and now two redeemy people XD The idea I had was that this could be just a random soldier that you keep as a prisoner, and have to decide whether to execute him or not. It can be hard to keep prisoners of war when you’re stuck in this seige situation and you barely even have enough food to keep your own teammates alive! Tensions could run high because you’re choosing to keep this guy alive when its making things worse for us all, plus we cant really trust him, seriously?? He surrendered but maybe its just a trap to infiltrate us! He claims a sob story of his country being forced to invade us because of famine, and being drafted against his will, but can we trust anything that comes from the mouth of one of those scum?? And then there’s the question of what exactly you’ll do with him if you think he cant be trusted! Are you able to execute him in cold blood? Do you set him free and hope this decision doesnt come back to bite you in the ass? Do you try and execute him while pretending you didnt- setting him loose in the forest to die of exposure or at the hands of his own former comrades...?? And its very annoying because the entire time he’s insistantly begging you to kill him, and generally being a huge downer! :P This is what convinces you to spare him, if you pick that option. It starts off as just ‘I’m gonna spite you, I won’t let you die if its what you want’, but eventually you realise he really never wanted to be part of this war, and he’s weighed down so much by his sins that his pleading for suicide was completely genuine. There’s no spy plots, he was just a simple farmer thrown into battle with nothing more than the clothes on his back and the sharpest pitchfork he could salvage from the wreckage of his old farm before it was torn down. The famine ruined his business and he had no way of surviving unless he sold his land to the army, to be bulldozed and turned into the site of a new weapons factory. And even after that he ended up forcibly drafted when things got even worse, losing what little livelihood he’d managed to scrape together again. He doesnt have a home to go back to, he just wanted to die on the battlefield, and by all odds he SHOULD HAVE! This is the condition of this latest round of ‘soldiers’, nobody even wastes armour on them, theyre just disposeable fodder to be mowed down as a distraction. What shitty luck, that he just happened to get captured by some bleeding-heart fools who refuse to chop his damn head off! So basically I’m imagining him like a Nanu-esque depressed grandpa who’s kinda sassy sometimes but also really really needs a hug. And like... model prisoner, to a comical degree. When he comes to terms with the fact he aint gonna get killed no matter how much he begs, he’s just like ‘dammit i cant help but help’. He’s just a normal good guy at heart, he’s not really on your side so to speak, he loved his country but he didnt agree with them wanting to wipe out your country either. he misses how his country used to be, and he doesnt know anything about your country or whether its any better, he doesnt have much hope. But when he’s stuck with nothing to do all day, he just cant help subconciously falling into kindly grandpa behaviours! Gotta clean up this cell! Hey, do you want some cookery tips, mr guard? Oh whoops, mr guard you dropped the cell keys, here have them back! Hey this bar over here has poor structural integrity, I tried to rope it back together with a braid of my own back hair! All the time he’s trying to trick you into agreeing to execute him, and being a total sycophant agreeing with everyone who says he’s evil. CMON IM TOTALLY EVIL, PLEASE STAB ME, I’LL BAKE YOU COOKIES! And then as time goes on he just becomes less of a prisoner and ends up making friends with everyone, winning the trust of even those who opposed him the most at the start. All entirely unwillingly! Agreeing with all their oppositions so hard that they stop opposing XD He ends up just pottering around doing odd jobs as a janitor/groundskeeper type guy, even ends up being the one in charge of keeping the keys to the jail he started off in. Somehow the most trustworthy man in the whole town, cos he’s the one person who will never say he’s trustworthy! His humble goodness just shines through~! And he could help out a lot cos he has inside info on the enemy army, and is able to give a sympathetic perspective of the everyday citizens’s life, and just how much dissent there is, how few people are willingly cooperating with the war and how they can find allies and destabilize this regime based entirely on fear instead of loyalty. He’s like a ray of hope that changes everyone’s perspective on this big seemingly-inpeneterable all-evil army! A grumpy suicidal ray of hope, who never shuts up about how hopeless it is! XD of course, eventually he’d be able to find new reason to live in this own, and make friends, and have hugs and joy~! But it’d be a hard journey! And a journey filled with a lot of ‘geez grandpa stop joking about suicide holy shit’ *disciplinary hugs* * Tho actually I dunno if a farmer would be a good career choice for him, I just picked it cos its the easiest to imagine him losing his livelihood in the war. His career in the town would be being this janitor kindly advice man/treasurer sort of guy, but i dunno... if he was a banker before then that makes him too similar to general lady :P ...maybe he was a janitor on someone else’s farm...? Honestly I would love an excuse to have a badass sympathetic janitor man and go on a bit of a small rant about how service work is very physically demanding and deserves a higher minimum wage yknow. RESPECT JANIGRAMP ... actually the name Jani is a good name his name is now jani it is law Jani the groundskeeper, because jani the janitor sounds dumb. SYNONYMS!

* Thinking of ideas for the fictional religion I’m gonna create for this world! Its more fun if we have a completely fictional set of traditions that’re just a general metaphor for topical questions about real life religion n stuff. And it would sidestep the problem of plots accidentally seeming like theyre ‘oh this one religion is evil and false’, when really the point i want to make is about how people of all religions are capable of perverting their faith’s peaceful teachings and using it as an excuse to wage wars. hell, athiests have done the same thing! ‘this religion is inherantly evil bwaaaah’ stuff IS athiests using their own beliefs as an excuse to hurt others. Thats the kind of athiest I never want to be! I completely respect religion and I think that we can never have an answer as to what’s true about creation or an afterlife, we can never know until we die. I don’t believe in heaven, but I dont think I have absolute proof it’s wrong, and I dont care about proving myself right or converting people. I feel inspired when I see people draw strength from their religion, even if I don’t believe in it! Lots of great things have been done in the name of different religions, just like lots of terrible things have. Human beings are great and terrible things, human beings make choices. This doesnt tar everyone with the same brush of whoever made the wrong decision, just because they believe in the same gods! ....man, sorry, I went off on a mini rant there. But yeah, what I hope to do is to have religion as a framing device and discuss some problems with certain so-called religious people, but also show the positive side of it via the protagonists. I mean, the whole point is that you’re living in a church, after all! The idea is that you’d hear a lot of horror stories of other people acting very ungodly in the name of god, both in the enemy army and in the hidden secrets of people in your own country’s government. But the goal is that you see all this hellish stuff and you still choose to be a bastion of what you believe is good and true, you learn from these mistakes and try and make the true sanctuary that everyone was seeking when they fell into the traps of those other monsters. And also I was thinking it;d be like the protagonist’s exploration of being agnostic, after her faith was shaken from her original church being destroyed in this war. She was the only survivor, maliciously left alive by [currently unnamed main villain rival guy], who wanted her to suffer the grief of knowing she’d failed her role as protector. But instead she travelled onwards and found this other church full of defenseless people that need a new guardian, and she is FUCKING DETERMINED to never fail again! It started as just seeking revenge against that evil overlord, but instead its become about protecting these new people and regaining her faith in humanity. And that doesnt necessarily mean regaining her faith, that’s up to the player. She has a journey of realizing that some things about her former church may have actually been corrupt, and that she was just blindly following instead of making her own decisions, She has her hero worship of her dead comrades dismantled, and has to come to her own conclusions about what’s right and wrong in the scriptures she’d learned, and what she’ll do as she goes forward. Its up to the player to decide whether she regains her faith or decides to become an athiest in the end, or even remains agnostic and decides she isnt able to find an answer yet, but either way she will still be forged into a true blue hero, no matter the reasons behind it! I wanna make all options an equally good ending, its just a personal choice that changes some scenes but not necessarily the course of the story.

* Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! Religion ideas! I was considering possibly the legend could involve something about ‘an absent god’. The traditions say that humanity failed the creator long ago, and they left us behind because of it. The direction of all religion is based around this idea that we are inherantly born sinful, and have to do certain things in order to appease our ancestors’s sins and bring the gods back. I’m thinking it would be a good idea to create multiple sects of religion that’re variants on the same original holy text, that’s something that fictional religions dont tend to do for some reason. In this case it could be different perspectives on how exactly god dissappeared, and what exactly god saw as our sin, what on earth we have to do to make up for it. And I was thinking that the idea could be that god shattered into a million pieces that were scattered across the world. This leads to territory wars over places that’ve been determined to contain remains of god buried beneath the earth, and people invading indigenous civilizations in the name of holy tasks to dig for these relics. Power struggles over how many god burial grounds your country owns at any given time, controversy every time a digging operation fails to find a crystal. Pieces of god being used practically as currency, used to power magical weaponry in these wars... lies and deceit over fake godstones that no-one can prove you don’t own... * And this way even though magic does clearly exist in this world, it leaves it ambiguous whether religion is true, and whether any of the different sects is more accurate about the true will of god. It would seem reasonable that athiests exist here even when magic exists, thats usually a problem in fictional settings, you have gods right out here in the open yet some people still dont believe in them? XD It’d be like... yes maybe all these crystals that grant magical powers are actually fragments of an absent god. Maybe they grant those magical powers because of the reasons scripture tells us. Maybe if you bring them all together you can meet god and be granted one wish, maybe you could end the war. Buuuuuuuut.... maybe there’s just a natural crystal that grows underground and grants magical powers. Maybe nothing happens when you put it all together. Maybe it’s just like how people considered electricity to be unpredictable divine punishment before we learned how to harness it for ourselves.

* And there could be like... sects of the religion who believe god chose to leave us out of shame for our sinfulness, sects who believe a certain group of humans betrayed god and shattered them, thus holy war is justified against that country. Perhaps even sects that believe that god being shattered was a positive thing, that god chose to give fragments of their power to humans so they could choose their own destiny. (This is considered as scandalous as satan-worship in-universe) And there’s a related sect that believes that humans only even came into existance after the shattering event, that shattering into pieces was how god granted sentience and free will to the angelic servants we used to be. And this has permenantly corrupted us, thus the sin that we need to undo in order to retun god is... individuality, in all its forms. I think these are the ones who had the very extreme fanatical members who ran Malachi’s former church, and committed various atrocities including his murder. (Though, again, this doesnt mean that the viewpoint is inherantly evil. Just the people who took it from ‘tranquility, enlightenment and fealty to fellow man’ to ‘LITERALLY NO INDIVIDUALITY EVER’) ....hmmm, actually the morality system could be even more complex if I nail down a set of different factions of the religion and let you choose between all of them in the end. (or choosing none of them, or choosing your own interpretation) And there’d sorta be a fanatical/critical morality bar too, which determines whether you get the good or bad ending. In this case ‘critical’ would be the good option, I mean it more like... ‘I’ve analyzed everything about this scripture and come to my own conclusions, I won’t do anything immoral out of blind belief unless I actually have reasons to agree that it’s the right choice’. Aka how any normal good person decides on a religion to follow. And the fanatical side would be leaning towards never questioning. So sometimes you would have to like... take options that would seem like ‘the bad option’. Dont just blindly agree with everything that points to a particular faction viewpoint, that’ll lead to badness! Sometimes you have to question things, take it from the perspective of a character who is discovering their own faith, rather than a player who already knows from the beginning what option they want to pick.

* Man this has got complicated lol, I’m starting to ramble!

* Anyway, i was thinking this would explain what the ‘demons’ are, in this world. Normally humans can only use magic by using godstone as a power source, demon is a universal term for all creatures that are made of magic and can use it infinately as part of their very being. They’re considered unholy and must be destroyed, because they’re ‘imprisoning’ a shard of god inside them. And its really unfair because its a complete and utter random chance if someone becomes a demon when they die, you can live your entire life thinking you’re a normal human until the godstone in your heart activates and saves your life. Your life which is now ressurected in a monsterous form and can never return to your old family. The traditions say that it only happens to people who are sinful, thus they totally deserve to be slain, of course! Oh, and I think the main evil army guys would be using demons as weapons, which is part of why the anti-demon sentiment is like... even worse than usual in the protagonist’s country. Its incredibly depressing because demons are completely sentient, and the only way they become mindless battle monsters is if they’re tortured beyond breaking point. The same way you’d reduce a human to that state. But the protagonist starts off not even knowing that demons can talk until she meets Florin, she’s only ever seen these demonic ‘soldiers’ that’re really just whipped and beaten prisoners chained together and thrown towards the enemy in the hope both parties kill each other. “Yeah but why do so many demons ally with the empire?” *florin looks into the camera like he’s on the office* And I was thinking maybe a more positive religious interpretation of the existance of demons could be that they’re actually angels instead. (Yeah, even if this religion is very different its gonna probably have a lot of similarities to protestant christianity since that’s what I was raised in. i dont feel comfortable critcising someone else’s religion that I’m not personally experienced with, yknow?) ANYWAY SORRY FOR THAT ASIDE Yeah, there could be some very rare pro-demon religious folk who believe that those who are reborn after death are actually chosen ones rather than sinful. These fragments of god blessed certain people who were pure enough in heart to earn the power to be able to enact god’s love to the world. Because even though god is in pieces, god very much wants to forgive us. These magical beings are sent as god’s messengers to help guide us on the right path to redemption. That’s why they have such great powers of creation! (though others would say its destruction...) A single plant demon like Florin could watch over and sustain an entire forest, revive it from drought and become a cornerstone to build a whole city around! Though even this faction isnt 100% correct or incorruptable, there are those who’d interpret this as demons having a DUTY to do that. There are rogue members of this faction who enslave demons just as much as the people who use them as weapons. I was thinking a plot could be that Florin almost gets suckered in by a band of these guys, he’s just so overwhelmed to find anyone who doesnt hate demons! But they want to imprison him and force him to grow their crops forever until he dies of exhaustion, because that’ll mean he’s ~happily fullfilled his purpose and rejoined god~. I mean, if he says he doesnt want to, thats just so sad! That means this pure angel has been corrupted by humanity’s sin, he doesnt know what he’s saying! * man i have so many ideas aaaaa