#performing masculinity for enrichment and not as an obligation

[doomdoomofdoom]

Gender Vibe Today: Tomboy the way a girl would be, but as a Man.

[chroniclesofawkwardness]

Q

When I was a kid, I loved watching Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG) with my dad. I'd marvel at the imagined 24th-century technology, and plots that seemed feasible even though they took place 300+ years in the future. I developed affinities for certain characters and recurring themes on the show; it took the Trekkie in me a long time to come to grips with Lt. Yar's death at the hands of a bitter, blob-like creature who'd been left alone on a desolate planet by beings determined to rid themselves of evil. But, as I got older, I started watching each episode more carefully. Some of the technology seemed cheesy, some alien costumes unrealistic, and occasional storylines so far out there that I had to wonder if the writers were just trying satisfy contractual obligations. They may have known their audience better than we knew ourselves. Maybe they were banking on the fact that even an obscure, throwaway episode would turn out to be someone, somewhere's favorite TNG moment ever (mine was Skin of Evil). I didn't mind that Denise Crosby was miserable on the show. Something about her character's death and the cast's response to it resonated with me. Something still does.

If Lt. Yar was a compelling character despite her short run on the show, one of the most compelling storylines centered around Q (John deLancie). Q was part of a continuum of ageless beings to whom the constraints of time and distance did not apply. With a snap of his fingers, he could send the Enterprise or any member of its crew to any time or place. Q seemed both fascinated by and contemptuous of the crew and its continuing mission. Once, after sending the ship hurtling through space into an encounter with the Borg, Q teases Commander Riker (Jonathan Frakes) who asks him, "Why?” Q’s response is chilling, “Why? Why to give you taste of your future. A preview of things to come." The Borg was a collective that threatened to assimilate everything and everyone in its path. By the show's end, Q admitted his enjoyment at watching the Enterprise face the tribulations of exploring space, but this admission was made in the context of a trial. The continuum was unable to curtail its mockery of what it considered the vastly inferior human race, so they put Picard on trial for the existence of life on earth.

When TNG went off the air in 1994, I was twelve going on thirteen. I was on the cusp of a revolution brought on by puberty. The world was on the cusp of a revolution brought about by the Internet. I remember the unmistakable squelch of a dial-up modem and praying no one would call the house while I was online. If that happened, my connection to the World Wide Web might have been broken. Any songs downloading at the time would be frozen at whatever percentage of completion they'd reached prior to the interruption. This was especially devastating. There there was no guarantee I'd be able to find the same live version of Pearl Jam's Yellow Ledbetter again -  a tragedy on par with the OJ verdict or my dad's singing voice.

Flash forward (but not all the way).

Until recently, I hadn’t given much thought to the awkwardness of puberty since I've been occupied with the awkwardness of adulthood. A new job. A new routine. I've been busy, or at least able to convince myself of such. About a year ago, a co-worker told me to look up a video on YouTube. "Don't use your work resources to do it," he cautioned. His warning made me only put it off for three weeks instead of my customary two months. The clip was a song called The Internet is for Porn from the musical Avenue Q. If you haven't seen Avenue Q, it’s a cross between Sesame Street and The Muppet Show, but the themes are far more grown-up than how a rubber ducky assists with bath time, or a given letter of the alphabet. Visible puppeteers manipulate puppets that interact with human characters and other puppets as they hilariously address topics like racism, life trajectory, and of course, why the Internet was born.

While TNG was on the air, I was consumed by the notion that my life should turn out like what I saw on TV. As Seth, a character from Chuck Palahniuk's novel Invisible Monsters says, "Television makes us God." Like God, by watching TV, I could supposedly see anybody or anything I'd ever want from the comfort of my couch. I believed it would be possible to battle Romulans on the Enterprise, diplomacy would always win, and the key to better health was juicing. If I didn't like what I saw, all I had to do was change the channel before uncomfortable thoughts or feelings made me throw the remote at the TV. Minimal effort. Minimal thought. Perfect. I still had to be careful. If I broke the remote, I would have had to physically get out of my chair the next time something or someone on the screen pissed me off. Manually changing the channel just as my parents had to when they didn't like what was on one of three stations was unacceptable. God did not like being inconvenienced, and still doesn’t. Besides, it would never suck to be me. I was obediently striving to make my own life a carbon copy of whatever fantasy world the small screen put in front of me.

Watching the cast of Avenue Q perform The Internet is for Porn made me think of the first time I looked at at porn. When I was 14 or 15, I snuck downstairs, logged on as surreptitiously as a dial-up modem would allow, and visited the website of a popular gentlemen's magazine. I don't remember what I saw, since it wasn't long before I heard the creak of the stairs above.

Oh shit! Shit! Shiiiiiit!

Why? Why to give you taste of your future. A preview of things to come.

I don't know how I didn't get caught, but I do know that's when the guilt started. Though I somehow managed to delete my browsing history before anyone came downstairs, I couldn't shake the notion that it was only a matter of time before someone found out exactly what I'd done.

I spent the next few years jerking off in the shower, and frequently spraying my sheets. I’d resigned myself to the fact that I couldn’t compete in, let alone win, the be-fruitful-and-multiply contest, the same one my ancestors (real men) had been winning for millions of years. Their efforts had prevented the very genetic code I was dribbling away one involuntary penial contraction at a time from being eradicated. If I'd faced a trial like Picard, my case would've been settled out of court. Citing overwhelming evidence that I didn't value my own masculine power because I could be so easily persuaded to part with it, the continuum would've mocked me too.

I'll never know exactly why, but one morning, my dad came into my room while I was on my back saying hello to my very visible monster. Maybe he was feeling nostalgic since my closet was full of his clothes from middle school and old police uniforms. The moment he appeared, I froze, terrified that any attempt to move my hand would attract unwanted attention. Dad didn't acknowledge me; he just rummaged around in my (his 1966-1976) closet looking for God knows what. He left after maybe ten minutes, but it felt like ten years. I told myself  I'd never again come (ha!) so close to getting caught masturbating. Going forward, I was almost always on my stomach whenever I felt so inclined.

It started out as a means to fulfill sexual fantasies, then It became a way to relax. If I was feeling tense, I'd rub one out, and promptly go to sleep. I never addressed the root cause of my love affair with choking the bishop: a complete and utter lack of confidence. I was conditioned to focus almost exclusively on school since getting an education was the only way out of my town. For the most part, I obeyed. Every other aspect of my life suffered. I was physically weak, had few friends, and filled with teenage angst. I thought the only way I could cope was through sex with myself. Minimal effort. Minimal thought. Perfect.

In college, a high-speed Internet connection brought with it limitless opportunities for both enrichment and shame. There's a stereotype that a dorm room is used for only three things: fantasizing about sex, getting ready to have sex, and having sex. One of my roommates once played a prank on me by downloading a bestiality video onto my computer and obscuring it with several other open windows. I didn't remember leaving my browser open to the university's homepage before going to class that day, but imagine my surprise when I finished checking my email. The donkey in that video was not nearly as enthusiastic as the one from Shrek.

By the time I got to grad school, I'd advanced the degree to which I used porn to cope with stress. I had to meet academic obligations, but whenever I didn't feel like it, I'd make sure the blind in my window was closed, turn my PC's volume all the way down, and consume whatever porn fit my fantasy. If I was feeling adventurous, I'd wear big, over-ear headphones because their bass output was better than my desktop’s alone. Maybe I was jealous that my classmates seemed to have fulfilling romantic relationships. Maybe I just didn't feel like putting in the work to build one. Maybe I didn't feel I was worthy of love. I knew my excessive porn use was fucked up, but this was when it started to seem normal. Why would I have invested in building something real when, as God, I could've seen anything or anyone with just a click of a mouse?

Watching porn when you're a guest in somebody's home is hard.

in 2007, when I was staying in Sombor with my yoga instructor and his wife, I didn't even have a computer in my room. My host did eventually bring his laptop for me to use, but if I wanted to connect to the Internet, I had to make sure the computer in the other part of the house wasn’t connected at the same time. It wasn't worth the effort. I had other things to worry about, like culture shock and practicing yoga. Thanks to yoga, not only did I stop watching porn, I didn't jerk off for almost four months. (Blowing your load on hosts' sheets isn't chic.) And, I had the best sex I’ve ever experienced.  

Flash forward about a year.

I hadn't practiced yoga since abruptly leaving Sombor, and my relationship with my fiancée at the time was on the rocks. I loved Tuesdays because she was at the university all day; I could dream of leaving her without even saying goodbye. The sex was nowhere near as good. We weren’t even really compatible to begin with. While she was away earning her degree, I was exploring strange new worlds across the pornscape.

Why? Why to give you taste of your future. A preview of things to come.

I was a shell of a man who’d sworn off women (at least the natural ones) when I finally came home in June 2011. I didn't date for three years. Instead, I focused on getting out of my mom's house at first, then my career. My earlier pattern was repeating itself. Only the driver was different. Friday nights consisted of rendezvous with the laptop where I'd often bring myself to climax multiple times in one sitting. Omnipotence at the keyboard made real women obsolete. Minimal effort. Minimal thought. Perfect.

Love is overrated. Love is chemically no different than eating massive quantities of chocolate.

I’d turn on the music of Chopin after each session, and swear that would be the last time. But I came back over and over again for years. That's what addiction is. An addict knows he's addicted, but he feels too small, too weak, against the rush that only his addiction can bring. As my consumption of porn increased, waves of feel-good chemicals grew larger and crashed harder. I know now that I was an addict. In the dark recesses of my mind, maybe I always will be.

By 2014, I’d decided to give dating a shot. I spent far too much money on dating advice courses designed by self-proclaimed gurus who used to be shy, skinny, and introverted, just like me. Without fail, each guru had either stumbled upon "declassified government research" on female psychology, or spent hours decoding Literotica like Fifty Shades of Grey, which had given them insight into what women really want. If these guys were to be believed, their discoveries had changed their lives. No longer were they "nice guys who never got laid.” Women were approaching THEM.

I was hooked on their promises to share their secrets with me. I thought all I needed just one more trick, one more hack, to put myself over the top. I was so gullible that I began to look at dating as a numbers game that I only needed one yes to win. To me, it was a classic case of a blind squirrel finding his occasional nut. Every time I thought I'd learned a new trick, I'd say to myself, "This is it! It’s so simple! How could I have been so blind?" I couldn't wait to use it on whatever girl I was talking to at the time. Today, I know that I was only fooling myself by treating the symptoms rather than the cause of my difficulties with relationships: A deflated sense of self-worth. A lifetime spent comparing myself to others.  

If a date didn't go well, I'd stew about it for a few hours, then go right back to navigating the pornscape. After starting a video, I'd almost immediately send my life force cascading down into the toilet or gushing against the fabric of my pants. I couldn’t even last beyond the foreplay in most videos. Looking down at the stain meant the cycle was completely free to begin anew. I just had to work up the courage to try the same failed strategies with a new girl. Doesn't doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results define insanity? In the throes of my addiction, I didn't really care about anything. I believed I wasn't hurting anyone (I didn’t count), and the amount of damage I was doing to myself, if any, was debatable. As long as I got off, who really cared?

I did some stumbling of my own the day I watched the documentaries Hot Girls Wanted and After Porn Ends. These films address challenges at the beginning of, and after a career in porn. I began to realize the toll working in the industry could have on those who chose to. Porn actors and actresses had to learn how to fulfill a fantasy. New names. New bodies. New pasts. Uncertain futures. The industry probably chewed them up and spit them out as soon as someone younger, more flexible, or more suited to a particular niche came along. Everyone is/was expendable. Whether you got into porn from Flyover County, Nebraska, or Nonspecific Hamlet, North Carolina, your time in the spotlight would eventually end (if you even managed to get your career off the ground at all). There's always someone with bigger tits, or a longer cock. Supply and demand. Consume. Consume. Nobodies always want to be somebody.

It's your dirty little secret. Peta Jensen doesn't give a shit about you. You'd better hope no one knocks on your door or peeks through the blinds.

To the best of my knowledge, recovering porn addicts don't get sobriety coins like the ones they give out at Alcoholics Anonymous. I wouldn't want a cum-colored coin anyway; it’d remind me how easy it is to fall off a cliff. I'd prefer a totem (like in the movie Inception) to help me distinguish dreams from reality. Mine would be a female breast that could spin on its nipple, like a top.

Perhaps the most insidious element of pornography addiction is that the brain rewards itself for doing nothing. I’d say a porn addict's brain can't distinguish real sex from pornography because watching the sex in porn still rewards him with a release of dopamine, even if he didn't earn it by engaging in the real thing.

On my path to recovery, I've learned to reward myself by doing things that I know in my heart I really want to. Temptations like porn, television, movies, and YouTube videos will always be there, but taking time to write, exercise and simply think has given me a new perspective on the mental masturbation I was performing even when I wasn't touching myself.

By consuming useless information on the Internet, reading books just to pass the time, and listening to music every chance I got, I'd created my own prison. As I became aware of its walls, what I’d done to myself made me cringe worse than hearing Scott Stapp's voice. I'd been watching others live life instead of crafting my own, and substituting their pleasure for the hard work required to pursue my own delayed, but truly fulfilling gratification. 

It started innocently enough when I began dreaming of a future someone else had made, on TNG. It continued as I imagined coins the color of jissum and breast-shaped totems. I don't necessarily need symbols of sobriety. I should just get a tattoo of an hourglass on my arm to remind myself of one important fact:

Time waits for no man.

Grant me the strength to value actions over dreams

And the wisdom to know the difference  

[readbookywooks]

[The emperor of Lilliput, attended by several of the nobility, comes to see the author in his confinement. The emperor's person and habit described. Learned men appointed to teach the author their language. He gains favour by his mild disposition. His pockets are searched, and his sword and pistols taken from him.] When I found myself on my feet, I looked about me, and must confess I never beheld a more entertaining prospect. The country around appeared like a continued garden, and the enclosed fields, which were generally forty feet square, resembled so many beds of flowers. These fields were intermingled with woods of half a stang, (1) and the tallest trees, as I could judge, appeared to be seven feet high. I viewed the town on my left hand, which looked like the painted scene of a city in a theatre. I had been for some hours extremely pressed by the necessities of nature; which was no wonder, it being almost two days since I had last disburdened myself. I was under great difficulties between urgency and shame. The best expedient I could think of, was to creep into my house, which I accordingly did; and shutting the gate after me, I went as far as the length of my chain would suffer, and discharged my body of that uneasy load. But this was the only time I was ever guilty of so uncleanly an action; for which I cannot but hope the candid reader will give some allowance, after he has maturely and impartially considered my case, and the distress I was in. From this time my constant practice was, as soon as I rose, to perform that business in open air, at the full extent of my chain; and due care was taken every morning before company came, that the offensive matter should be carried off in wheel-barrows, by two servants appointed for that purpose. I would not have dwelt so long upon a circumstance that, perhaps, at first sight, may appear not very momentous, if I had not thought it necessary to justify my character, in point of cleanliness, to the world; which, I am told, some of my maligners have been pleased, upon this and other occasions, to call in question. When this adventure was at an end, I came back out of my house, having occasion for fresh air. The emperor was already descended from the tower, and advancing on horse-back towards me, which had like to have cost him dear; for the beast, though very well trained, yet wholly unused to such a sight, which appeared as if a mountain moved before him, reared up on its hinder feet: but that prince, who is an excellent horseman, kept his seat, till his attendants ran in, and held the bridle, while his majesty had time to dismount. When he alighted, he surveyed me round with great admiration; but kept beyond the length of my chain. He ordered his cooks and butlers, who were already prepared, to give me victuals and drink, which they pushed forward in a sort of vehicles upon wheels, till I could reach them. I took these vehicles and soon emptied them all; twenty of them were filled with meat, and ten with liquor; each of the former afforded me two or three good mouthfuls; and I emptied the liquor of ten vessels, which was contained in earthen vials, into one vehicle, drinking it off at a draught; and so I did with the rest. The empress, and young princes of the blood of both sexes, attended by many ladies, sat at some distance in their chairs; but upon the accident that happened to the emperor's horse, they alighted, and came near his person, which I am now going to describe. He is taller by almost the breadth of my nail, than any of his court; which alone is enough to strike an awe into the beholders. His features are strong and masculine, with an Austrian lip and arched nose, his complexion olive, his countenance erect, his body and limbs well proportioned, all his motions graceful, and his deportment majestic. He was then past his prime, being twenty-eight years and three quarters old, of which he had reigned about seven in great felicity, and generally victorious. For the better convenience of beholding him, I lay on my side, so that my face was parallel to his, and he stood but three yards off: however, I have had him since many times in my hand, and therefore cannot be deceived in the description. His dress was very plain and simple, and the fashion of it between the Asiatic and the European; but he had on his head a light helmet of gold, adorned with jewels, and a plume on the crest. He held his sword drawn in his hand to defend himself, if I should happen to break loose; it was almost three inches long; the hilt and scabbard were gold enriched with diamonds. His voice was shrill, but very clear and articulate; and I could distinctly hear it when I stood up. The ladies and courtiers were all most magnificently clad; so that the spot they stood upon seemed to resemble a petticoat spread upon the ground, embroidered with figures of gold and silver. His imperial majesty spoke often to me, and I returned answers: but neither of us could understand a syllable. There were several of his priests and lawyers present (as I conjectured by their habits), who were commanded to address themselves to me; and I spoke to them in as many languages as I had the least smattering of, which were High and Low Dutch, Latin, French, Spanish, Italian, and Lingua Franca, but all to no purpose. After about two hours the court retired, and I was left with a strong guard, to prevent the impertinence, and probably the malice of the rabble, who were very impatient to crowd about me as near as they durst; and some of them had the impudence to shoot their arrows at me, as I sat on the ground by the door of my house, whereof one very narrowly missed my left eye. But the colonel ordered six of the ringleaders to be seized, and thought no punishment so proper as to deliver them bound into my hands; which some of his soldiers accordingly did, pushing them forward with the butt-ends of their pikes into my reach. I took them all in my right hand, put five of them into my coat-pocket; and as to the sixth, I made a countenance as if I would eat him alive. The poor man squalled terribly, and the colonel and his officers were in much pain, especially when they saw me take out my penknife: but I soon put them out of fear; for, looking mildly, and immediately cutting the strings he was bound with, I set him gently on the ground, and away he ran. I treated the rest in the same manner, taking them one by one out of my pocket; and I observed both the soldiers and people were highly delighted at this mark of my clemency, which was represented very much to my advantage at court. Towards night I got with some difficulty into my house, where I lay on the ground, and continued to do so about a fortnight; during which time, the emperor gave orders to have a bed prepared for me. Six hundred beds of the common measure were brought in carriages, and worked up in my house; a hundred and fifty of their beds, sewn together, made up the breadth and length; and these were four double: which, however, kept me but very indifferently from the hardness of the floor, that was of smooth stone. By the same computation, they provided me with sheets, blankets, and coverlets, tolerable enough for one who had been so long inured to hardships. As the news of my arrival spread through the kingdom, it brought prodigious numbers of rich, idle, and curious people to see me; so that the villages were almost emptied; and great neglect of tillage and household affairs must have ensued, if his imperial majesty had not provided, by several proclamations and orders of state, against this inconveniency. He directed that those who had already beheld me should return home, and not presume to come within fifty yards of my house, without license from the court; whereby the secretaries of state got considerable fees. In the mean time the emperor held frequent councils, to debate what course should be taken with me; and I was afterwards assured by a particular friend, a person of great quality, who was as much in the secret as any, that the court was under many difficulties concerning me. They apprehended my breaking loose; that my diet would be very expensive, and might cause a famine. Sometimes they determined to starve me; or at least to shoot me in the face and hands with poisoned arrows, which would soon despatch me; but again they considered, that the stench of so large a carcass might produce a plague in the metropolis, and probably spread through the whole kingdom. In the midst of these consultations, several officers of the army went to the door of the great council-chamber, and two of them being admitted, gave an account of my behaviour to the six criminals above-mentioned; which made so favourable an impression in the breast of his majesty and the whole board, in my behalf, that an imperial commission was issued out, obliging all the villages, nine hundred yards round the city, to deliver in every morning six beeves, forty sheep, and other victuals for my sustenance; together with a proportionable quantity of bread, and wine, and other liquors; for the due payment of which, his majesty gave assignments upon his treasury: - for this prince lives chiefly upon his own demesnes; seldom, except upon great occasions, raising any subsidies upon his subjects, who are bound to attend him in his wars at their own expense. An establishment was also made of six hundred persons to be my domestics, who had board-wages allowed for their maintenance, and tents built for them very conveniently on each side of my door. It was likewise ordered, that three hundred tailors should make me a suit of clothes, after the fashion of the country; that six of his majesty's greatest scholars should be employed to instruct me in their language; and lastly, that the emperor's horses, and those of the nobility and troops of guards, should be frequently exercised in my sight, to accustom themselves to me. All these orders were duly put in execution; and in about three weeks I made a great progress in learning their language; during which time the emperor frequently honoured me with his visits, and was pleased to assist my masters in teaching me. We began already to converse together in some sort; and the first words I learnt, were to express my desire "that he would please give me my liberty;" which I every day repeated on my knees. His answer, as I could comprehend it, was, "that this must be a work of time, not to be thought on without the advice of his council, and that first I must LUMOS KELMIN PESSO DESMAR LON EMPOSO;" that is, swear a peace with him and his kingdom. However, that I should be used with all kindness. And he advised me to "acquire, by my patience and discreet behaviour, the good opinion of himself and his subjects." He desired "I would not take it ill, if he gave orders to certain proper officers to search me; for probably I might carry about me several weapons, which must needs be dangerous things, if they answered the bulk of so prodigious a person." I said, "His majesty should be satisfied; for I was ready to strip myself, and turn up my pockets before him." This I delivered part in words, and part in signs. He replied, "that, by the laws of the kingdom, I must be searched by two of his officers; that he knew this could not be done without my consent and assistance; and he had so good an opinion of my generosity and justice, as to trust their persons in my hands; that whatever they took from me, should be returned when I left the country, or paid for at the rate which I would set upon them." I took up the two officers in my hands, put them first into my coat-pockets, and then into every other pocket about me, except my two fobs, and another secret pocket, which I had no mind should be searched, wherein I had some little necessaries that were of no consequence to any but myself. In one of my fobs there was a silver watch, and in the other a small quantity of gold in a purse. These gentlemen, having pen, ink, and paper, about them, made an exact inventory of every thing they saw; and when they had done, desired I would set them down, that they might deliver it to the emperor. This inventory I afterwards translated into English, and is, word for word, as follows: "IMPRIMIS, In the right coat-pocket of the great man-mountain" (for so I interpret the words QUINBUS FLESTRIN,) "after the strictest search, we found only one great piece of coarse-cloth, large enough to be a foot-cloth for your majesty's chief room of state. In the left pocket we saw a huge silver chest, with a cover of the same metal, which we, the searchers, were not able to lift. We desired it should be opened, and one of us stepping into it, found himself up to the mid leg in a sort of dust, some part whereof flying up to our faces set us both a sneezing for several times together. In his right waistcoat-pocket we found a prodigious bundle of white thin substances, folded one over another, about the bigness of three men, tied with a strong cable, and marked with black figures; which we humbly conceive to be writings, every letter almost half as large as the palm of our hands. In the left there was a sort of engine, from the back of which were extended twenty long poles, resembling the pallisados before your majesty's court: wherewith we conjecture the man-mountain combs his head; for we did not always trouble him with questions, because we found it a great difficulty to make him understand us. In the large pocket, on the right side of his middle cover" (so I translate the word RANFULO, by which they meant my breeches,) "we saw a hollow pillar of iron, about the length of a man, fastened to a strong piece of timber larger than the pillar; and upon one side of the pillar, were huge pieces of iron sticking out, cut into strange figures, which we know not what to make of. In the left pocket, another engine of the same kind. In the smaller pocket on the right side, were several round flat pieces of white and red metal, of different bulk; some of the white, which seemed to be silver, were so large and heavy, that my comrade and I could hardly lift them. In the left pocket were two black pillars irregularly shaped: we could not, without difficulty, reach the top of them, as we stood at the bottom of his pocket. One of them was covered, and seemed all of a piece: but at the upper end of the other there appeared a white round substance, about twice the bigness of our heads. Within each of these was enclosed a prodigious plate of steel; which, by our orders, we obliged him to show us, because we apprehended they might be dangerous engines. He took them out of their cases, and told us, that in his own country his practice was to shave his beard with one of these, and cut his meat with the other. There were two pockets which we could not enter: these he called his fobs; they were two large slits cut into the top of his middle cover, but squeezed close by the pressure of his belly. Out of the right fob hung a great silver chain, with a wonderful kind of engine at the bottom. We directed him to draw out whatever was at the end of that chain; which appeared to be a globe, half silver, and half of some transparent metal; for, on the transparent side, we saw certain strange figures circularly drawn, and though we could touch them, till we found our fingers stopped by the lucid substance. He put this engine into our ears, which made an incessant noise, like that of a water-mill: and we conjecture it is either some unknown animal, or the god that he worships; but we are more inclined to the latter opinion, because he assured us, (if we understood him right, for he expressed himself very imperfectly) that he seldom did any thing without consulting it. He called it his oracle, and said, it pointed out the time for every action of his life. From the left fob he took out a net almost large enough for a fisherman, but contrived to open and shut like a purse, and served him for the same use: we found therein several massy pieces of yellow metal, which, if they be real gold, must be of immense value. "Having thus, in obedience to your majesty's commands, diligently searched all his pockets, we observed a girdle about his waist made of the hide of some prodigious animal, from which, on the left side, hung a sword of the length of five men; and on the right, a bag or pouch divided into two cells, each cell capable of holding three of your majesty's subjects. In one of these cells were several globes, or balls, of a most ponderous metal, about the bigness of our heads, and requiring a strong hand to lift them: the other cell contained a heap of certain black grains, but of no great bulk or weight, for we could hold above fifty of them in the palms of our hands. "This is an exact inventory of what we found about the body of the man-mountain, who used us with great civility, and due respect to your majesty's commission. Signed and sealed on the fourth day of the eighty-ninth moon of your majesty's auspicious reign. CLEFRIN FRELOCK, MARSI FRELOCK." When this inventory was read over to the emperor, he directed me, although in very gentle terms, to deliver up the several particulars. He first called for my scimitar, which I took out, scabbard and all. In the mean time he ordered three thousand of his choicest troops (who then attended him) to surround me at a distance, with their bows and arrows just ready to discharge; but I did not observe it, for mine eyes were wholly fixed upon his majesty. He then desired me to draw my scimitar, which, although it had got some rust by the sea water, was, in most parts, exceeding bright. I did so, and immediately all the troops gave a shout between terror and surprise; for the sun shone clear, and the reflection dazzled their eyes, as I waved the scimitar to and fro in my hand. His majesty, who is a most magnanimous prince, was less daunted than I could expect: he ordered me to return it into the scabbard, and cast it on the ground as gently as I could, about six feet from the end of my chain. The next thing he demanded was one of the hollow iron pillars; by which he meant my pocket pistols. I drew it out, and at his desire, as well as I could, expressed to him the use of it; and charging it only with powder, which, by the closeness of my pouch, happened to escape wetting in the sea (an inconvenience against which all prudent mariners take special care to provide,) I first cautioned the emperor not to be afraid, and then I let it off in the air. The astonishment here was much greater than at the sight of my scimitar. Hundreds fell down as if they had been struck dead; and even the emperor, although he stood his ground, could not recover himself for some time. I delivered up both my pistols in the same manner as I had done my scimitar, and then my pouch of powder and bullets; begging him that the former might be kept from fire, for it would kindle with the smallest spark, and blow up his imperial palace into the air. I likewise delivered up my watch, which the emperor was very curious to see, and commanded two of his tallest yeomen of the guards to bear it on a pole upon their shoulders, as draymen in England do a barrel of ale. He was amazed at the continual noise it made, and the motion of the minute-hand, which he could easily discern; for their sight is much more acute than ours: he asked the opinions of his learned men about it, which were various and remote, as the reader may well imagine without my repeating; although indeed I could not very perfectly understand them. I then gave up my silver and copper money, my purse, with nine large pieces of gold, and some smaller ones; my knife and razor, my comb and silver snuff-box, my handkerchief and journal-book. My scimitar, pistols, and pouch, were conveyed in carriages to his majesty's stores; but the rest of my goods were returned me. I had as I before observed, one private pocket, which escaped their search, wherein there was a pair of spectacles (which I sometimes use for the weakness of mine eyes,) a pocket perspective, and some other little conveniences; which, being of no consequence to the emperor, I did not think myself bound in honour to discover, and I apprehended they might be lost or spoiled if I ventured them out of my possession.