#perfectly-imperfect-nh

[ibijau]

Concubine nhs pt11 / on AO3

It is odd to exist in this little house and not have a purpose, Nie Huaisang decides a few weeks after being discarded. For three years his entire life has revolved around the emperor, his only wish being to distract him from his duties to make him happy. Now the emperor is miserable whenever he visits, and Nie Huaisang isn't allowed to do anything about that. Not when the emperor has made it very clear that he is now disgusted by the idea of any intimacy between them, and talking feels so awkward.

If he cannot kiss him, or please him in bed, if they cannot laugh or even talk, Nie Huaisang doesn't know what the point of everything is anymore. 

His days are emptier than ever. His nights no longer bring any comfort. Nie Huaisang is miserable.

Worse, Nie Huaisang is bored. A deep, insidious boredom that taints every moment he’s awake, that even pursues him in his dreams sometimes, or makes it impossible to sleep, denying him even that relief.

If he weren't so constantly bored, Nie Huaisang wouldn't have started checking those documents the emperor now brings with him when he visits. He’s perfectly aware that he shouldn’t do that all. It’s not his business, it’s politics, it’ll land him in trouble, but... 

But the emperor always falls asleep long before him, and always ends up in terrible positions in that stupid sofa, and half the time he forgets to use a blanket. Nie Huaisang has to make sure the emperor doesn't catch a cold. And then those documents are right there, and he's so bored. 

The books Lan Qiren sends him don't last as long as they used to, now that he doesn't have to stop reading them at night. They're also less interesting, at least those newest batches: treaties on how to analyse texts, or write essays. It's all so painfully boring that by comparison, official reports filled with numbers are pretty interesting. 

Nie Huaisang doesn't mean to read that stuff, it just happens. And the first time it happens, he stops as soon as he realises what he's doing. It's politics, and he's sworn to himself he'd never get involved in that. He scolds himself very hard that first time, and the second one too. Even the third time. But the fourth time… 

The fourth time is different.

The thing is, Nie Huaisang is pretty good with numbers. That's the reason why his father relented and finally recognised him. Nie Huaisang can't read the classics with ease because he’s still learning some of those less common characters. He values fun stories over respected ones, which isn’t what a real scholar could do. And he can't quite say what makes a good poem better than a bad one, he just likes them or he doesn’t. But he's quick at counting and has a natural knack for arithmetics. That's why his father put him in charge of organising banquets and overseeing finances, and he likes to think he saved them some good money in the time he held that duty.

So when he starts noticing discrepancies on those imperial reports, Nie Huaisang doesn't really think. He does what he would have done for his father, and writes down everything he notices. Because he doesn't quite understand what those reports are about, Nie Huaisang doesn't dare to guess why the numbers are wrong. He just knows that they are. So he leaves his notes on the table for the emperor to find when he wakes up, and hope that will be helpful.

He just so badly wants to be helpful. Maybe if he shows that he can still be useful, the emperor will start smiling at him again, or even talk to him.

Nie Huaisang just feels so lonely and bored. 

Later, when it is light again and he's alone in his little house, Nie Huaisang wonders if that was the right thing to do. Since nobody comes to drag him out of his cage to publicly whip him as an example to others, it can't have been wrong. But the emperor doesn't visit for a full three days after that, so maybe it wasn't right either. 

On the third day, the emperor's brother visits, and sheds some light on that long absence. 

"Brother has been given proof that the magistrate in the region of Yunping City was corrupt, and hindering the war effort," the prince explains, which might be the most Nie Huaisang ever heard him say at once. "Urgent measures had to be taken."

Nie Huaisang doesn't dare to ask, and stares at his glass of tea. That report he wrote notes on was definitely about Yunping City. It means he might have become involved in politics after all, against his will. As if he can afford to be making enemies, in his position. 

"Due to this situation, I will leave for Yunping City," the prince announces. "I will work with Lord Jiang to restore the situation. Consort Nie knows him?" 

"Only a little," Nie Huaisang meekly protests. "He is a friend of my father. This humble one knows his children a little, and his ward Wei Wuxian, but not that well." 

The prince nods, and takes a sip of tea. That should be the end of it. The prince never speaks much, and he’s just used more words than he usually does in an entire month. Surely he’s told Nie Huaisang everything he had to say on that matter.

Right?

"Jiang gongzi and Wei gongzi are to assist me," The prince explains, putting down his glass. "Will consort Nie tell me about them? I want to know what to expect." 

Nie Huaisang frowns at that request. 

"Surely there are many others in the palace who can tell you that? This one is only a humble servant's son, his knowledge is too imperfect to be useful." 

"Others can have their opinion," the prince retorts. "I wish to hear consort Nie's." 

A direct order from the imperial prince cannot be denied, least of all by a concubine fallen out of favour. Sick with worry at the prospect of being again dragged into politics, Nie Huaisang still does what he's told and gives as honest a portrait of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin as he can. He makes sure to point out their qualities, which are many, but also acknowledges their faults: Jiang Cheng's temper, Wei Wuxian's overconfidence, and the way they only really shine when they work together. 

It appears to please the prince, who thanks Nie Huaisang for his answers before taking his leave. He will write from Yunping City, he says, and might ask again for Nie Huaisang’s opinion in the future. 

"Please don't," Nie Huaisang begs. "This humble one is unworthy of such an honour." 

The prince doesn't reply, and Nie Huaisang is left alone to wonder if he's made another mistake. 

That night, the emperor visits again. He doesn't speak about those notes Nie Huaisang left him, though several times he stares at his concubine as if he were on the verge of saying something, only to change his mind at the last minute. His expression is so intense each time that Nie Huaisang ends up pretending to fall asleep just so the emperor will stop looking at him like that.

He takes notice of the fact that this time, the emperor brought a book with him, not reports. Nie Huaisang figures it's a message that his intervention, though perhaps useful, is resented. 

Nobody wants to owe anything to a mere concubine. 

After that one incident, life returns to normal. Or at least, as what passes for normal these days. 

Nie Huaisang is lonelier than ever. The emperor ignores him when he spends the night in the little house. The emperor's uncle, who was supposed to visit and find him a teacher, is too busy to do either due to having to take over some of the prince’s duties. And since that same prince is far away in Yunping City, even that last illusion of companionship has been torn away. 

Nie Huaisang is lonely. 

Nie Huaisang is miserable. 

So miserable, in fact, that he can't even rejoice when the aviary the emperor built for him is finally complete. Of course he puts on a smile when there is a banquet to celebrate this happy occasion, and plays perfectly his role of a cheerful concubine. He almost fools himself into feeling grateful and happy. Maybe he is happy, sitting again with the emperor, seeing him smile like this. It's easy to pretend, when Nie Huaisang so dearly misses how happy they used to be. 

But the next day, when he visits his aviary again, alone this time, Nie Huaisang only feels more depressed than ever. He wants to open every door to every cage, and let those expensive birds fly away. They all look as sad as he feels. But of course just like him, they probably wouldn't know how to survive outside a cage anymore.

If it were up to him, Nie Huaisang would never look at his aviary again. 

It isn't up to him. 

If he doesn't go, it will be noticed, he knows, just as it would be noticed if the emperor stopped coming to see him. If Nie Huaisang doesn’t check on his pretty new birds, people will say that the emperor spent a fortune spoiling a concubine who won't be satisfied with even the most expensive of presents. They will say the emperor is weak and foolish, or worse things even, and Nie Huaisang can't bear it. 

So he visits his birds daily. It is a punishment for fooling the emperor, for playing his father' s games. For being foolish enough to fall in love, when Meng Yao once warned him it is the one mistake a concubine should never make. At the time, Nie Huaisang hadn't understood. He does now. Being discarded would hurt so much less if he could only stop caring. 

But that's life now. Reading boring volumes selected by the emperor's uncle, spending time with birds he doesn't want, being ignored all night by the emperor himself. A new routine, much worse than the old one he used to have. 

A routine that finally shatters when one day, Nie Huaisang finds a stranger in his aviary, looking at his birds. 

Although there were many guests at the celebration to mark the completion of that aviary, the emperor made it clear that no one but Nie Huaisang, himself, and the servants attached to the aviary are allowed to come there. If the emperor were to have given permission to anyone else, he would surely have warned Nie Huaisang. And that boy's clothes are just good enough to make it clear that he cannot be a servant. 

He definitely is just a boy though, probably younger than Nie Huaisang by a few years. And yet there's a certain air to him, as if in spite of his youth, that boy knows more about life than some people much older than him. He just sounds so sad as he greets the talking birds. 

If that boy had been cheerful, or confident, Nie Huaisang could easily have chased him away. Happy people annoy him, when he has so little left to be joyful about. But seeing someone as depressed as himself makes his heart ache, reminding him how very lonely he is. 

Nie Huaisang watches that boy trying to chat with a pair of mynahs in a gentle voice that borders on hopeless, and comes to a decision.

"They're not very chatty," he says, startling the boy. "At least, not yet. I'm still working on teaching them to talk." 

The boy stares at him for a moment, then bows quickly and a little clumsily, betraying that he hasn't been trained for the imperial palace. Nie Huaisang remembers how he struggled as well when his father acknowledged him, when he came to the capital, and feels his heart swell again with sympathy. 

"Are you in charge of training them?" the boy hesitantly asks.

Since the emperor has made it clear that he no longer enjoys seeing Nie Huaisang covered in fineries, most of the time he dresses quite simply. It’s easier to put on, and it makes him feel a little less like a liar. He misses the fine silks and heavy gold sometimes, but plain clothes are more honest. Still, his clothes are only plain by comparison to the more extravagant outfits he used to wear for the emperor. Anyone glancing at him would take him for the privileged son of a great family… which he is, he supposes.

The point is, that boy must have already guessed that Nie Huaisang isn’t just one of the servants looking after the birds, so he doesn’t see any point in hiding.

"They're mine, actually," Nie Huaisang says, only to instantly regret it. 

The boy's eyes open wide, his face turning ashen before he falls to his knees and kowtow before Nie Huaisang, his entire body shaking with terror. 

"T-this humble one didn't realise! This humble one begs for your highness's mercy!"

Distressed by that strong reaction, Nie Huaisang takes a step back.

"I'm no highness."

"Your highness must be consort Nie!” the boy cries out. “This humble one never meant to intrude! This one knows no one is allowed here, but I really had to check, and… may his highness show mercy, though this one is undeserving!"

Nie Huaisang blinks. 

He knows, of course, that he's technically someone important. Servants are always very careful around him, and he has (had) the emperor's favour, which he could easily use to get his way, if he were so inclined. But since he lives in such isolation, and only leaves his little house for official occasions where everyone’s behaviour is strictly regimented by custom, it's rare for him to actually encounter anyone who might feel they owe him such open deference. 

He doesn't particularly enjoy it, he quickly decides.

"Please get up," he orders. "I'm guessing you came here by accident?" 

Refusing to stand up, the boy nods. 

"I was looking for my young master,” he explains in a pitiful voice. “I am a companion to a young lord called Ouyang Zizhen, and he escaped from me a little while ago when playing." 

The name Ouyang is familiar, but only vaguely. They might be related in some way to the emperor's late mother, though Nie Huaisang doesn't think the emperor is particularly close to them. Lord Ouyang is just closely related enough to be allowed to live inside the palace, but his son will likely not be allowed to remain there after his death. Anyway, the emperor rarely mentions them, and Nie Huaisang is pretty sure their son is a lot younger than this boy. 

Noble families like to bring in companions for their sons, as was done for the emperor, because they think it makes them look important.But sometimes what they really want is just a glorified nanny they don’t have to actually pay.

"What's your name?" Nie Huaisang asks. 

"This humble one is Mo Xuanyu." 

The name Mo doesn't ring a bell at all. They must be very minor in rank, or just rich merchants. Either way, people like that would take it as an honour to send one of their sons to the imperial palace, even if it’s just to serve an unimportant family. Being a young lord’s companion would give Mo Xuanyu the chance of a free education, at least if the family he’s serving treats him with any decency. They don’t always, as Nie Huaisang knows. The emperor complained about that sometimes, saying some families were very cruel to their sons’ companions.

But that was back when they would actually talk.

Nie Huaisang can’t remember when was the last time anyone talked to him.

He misses talking.

"Do you like birds, Mo Xuanyu ?" 

"Y-yes, your highness." 

"Me too. Do you know what species are here?" 

Puzzled by that question, Mo Xuanyu dares to look up as he shakes his head. Nie Huaisang grins, and kneels next to him, grabbing the boy's arm to force him back on his feet. It might be a mistake, but he’s been lonely so long, and Mo Xuanyu, in spite of his obvious fear, is actually talking to him.

Nie Huaisang wonders if that’s how the emperor felt that night, when he spoke to him with such insolence in the Unclean Realm. He quickly pushes the thought away. The situations are completely different, because Mo Xuanyu knows who he is.

"Do you want me to give you a tour?" Nie Huaisang asks.

After some hesitation, Mo Xuanyu shakes his head and bows away.

"I should really go find my master," he mumbles. "It's not that I don't want… I mean, this humble one would be honoured, those birds are all so pretty, and I really like… but I can’t, I have to…" 

"Duty calls, I understand,” Nie Huaisang replies. “But then, do you think you might come here again another day? I give you permission, so you won't get punished if you do. And then I can tell you more about the birds, if you’d like." 

Mo Xuanyu's expression is so funny as he eagerly nods, full of awe and wonder. Nie Huaisang almost laughs. 

He hasn’t wanted to laugh in so long.

He knows he probably shouldn't talk like this to a near stranger. He should be prudent, check the status of the Ouyang family, find out who the Mo are, and ask about Mo Xuanyu's reputation. But it has been so long since Nie Huaisang spoke to anyone, and he can't help the sense of kinship he gets when he looks at Mo Xuyanyu. They're the same, he can just tell: small and lonely, thrown into a world where they don't belong, forced to make the best of choices others made for them. 

But Mo Xuanyu shyly promises to visit the aviary again, and Nie Huaisang is happy. 

He hopes they can be friends.

[motherwasapapafucker]

What's your thoughts on Ennis's 2007 Dan Dare series ?

Oh shit damn yeah, I have like...a weird amount of thoughts about that one, but also keep in mind it's been like...six years since I read it last and my broader Dare reading is pretty patchy. (Remember those lovely hardback trades you could get in Waterstones when you were wee? bring them back) Also like, gonna talk about Morrison's Dare from Revolver way back in the way back a lot in this rambling shit, because the two are heavily interlinked in my mind. S'also king interesting how many fairly notable creators have worked on Dare after the fact like that? you've got Morrison, Ennis and Milligan recently (haven't read that one as of yet, pretty meh on titan and so/so with Milligan's more recent work. Though the Prisoner mini titan published with him is the better side of the so, so.) Anyway aye, it's a strange wee book, even just being part of Virgin Comics, but that's more in terms of any major entity forming a comic publishing sideline. (Or buying one, hyooo) On a surface glance it's not a book you'd really think of as a Garth Ennis work, lacking the usual black comedy cynicism that's defined a lot of his work but really, it was never going to have that and there's still cynicism but far more in line with the more serious elements of Hellblazer run. On top of that it also feels like an extension of his aviation stuff, just dressed in sci-fi clothes. Which is where the overlap between it and Morrison's Dare come into play. Your classic Dan Dare, for all its future setting has often been noted as being very immersed in the realities of the Post-War UK, it's optimistic yes, but there's a grubby underside of danger because basically, for a decade or everything genuinely was still a bit fucked. Dan Dan emerges into a world where rationing is still a thing, but the NHS is new, fresh and the biggest development of a post war world. In Dare, the world is clean, advanced and....facing food shortages. Like it can't be stressed how often food as a concern drives those initial dare strips. In Morrison's Dare we see the 1980s to this worlds 1950s tinged future, the utopia that just seemed around the corner hasn't materialised because, and I cannot stress this enough, Margaret Thatcher was elected. Dare's stalwart, oh so English persona reduced to little more than a marketing tactic for right wing politics while the real man drowns himself in alcohol and faded glories. Eventually we learn, as happened in real life, Thatcher worked with the Mekon to transform hopeful off-world colonists into cheap food solving both hunger and housing in one fell swoop. Dan eventually joins up with an embittered Digby who's teamed up with some punky freedom fighters and at the end of the day, Dan Dare hides a bomb inside Anastasia and uses it to destroy London, Thatcher, himself and the Mekon. The bastards might still be on top, but he's still spat in their faces at least. (Or burnt them to ashes, you get it) Anyway, aye, Ennis' Dare is the early 2000s to the original's 1950s, and in many ways casts as bleak an outlook at Morrison's Dare's bursts of hope...but also the cynicism. Tony Blair is the evil of the day, a spineless sell-out that happily plays puppy for a returned Mekon facing a faded, but still fighting Dan who the book views as both a very old-fashioned type of English hero but also a true modernist betrayed by the realities of a modern Britain. You could say it's a book perfectly aware that the imperfections of 1940s society built to this, but also aware that there had to be people creating the good that came out of the aftermath of the second world war. It's a bit doddering, a bit too content with these noble ideals but at the same time I don't think it's so wrong for that to be the spirit of your Dan Dare book? He's heartbroken by the collapse of the UN Spacefleet, cynical about the realities of this New Labour future but at the heart of it he's right to be, and even then he still comes back, still fights try and fix some of it. Where Morrison's Dare stages a suicide bombing in one final act of Punk rebellion, Ennis' Dare is

a slightly out of touch figure left trying to sift something good out of the wreckage. And that's not to say it isn't at it's heart a sci-fi adventure comic; It's already far more so than Morrison's Dare ever could be, but also more so than the original Dare itself in all honesty. Which is maybe a bit of an issue, the world design is cool but it's a little harder to picture it existing alongside the 1950s Dare's slightly more introspective sci-fi adventure. This is fully Star Wars territory; With space Spitfires, ominous capital ships, mutants, faceless stormtroopers and a version of the Mekon that's went and bought himself a latex catsuit. The narrative is a sequel, but the look feels like a reboot? In Morrison's Dare it still feels like that original setting just filtered through a few years of urban decay and rot. It's arguably in line with the far more overt changes seen in the 2000ad Dan Dare really? Basically, it's not the best thing in the world but it ain't half bad for what it is? At it's heart Ennis seems to have as much genuine affection for the character of Dan Dare as he does Superman, arguably more so which is kinda worth a thought in terms of what figure Ennis does portray as worthy of respect within his own fiction. Which again, a lot to be said for how willing it is to view this things without any harsh criticism, but you'd need a very surface level view of Ennis as a man to think he's Mr. Pro-Military. Aye, read it. Ennis is really back up there in my mind tbh, Hellblazer and Hitman are worthy of every bit of praise flung there way, but for all his characterised by the gross out/murderfest his work is filled with interesting wee curios that do a lot to undermine the image of him as a creative with a single, uncompromising style. Hell, I fucking hate the Boys and I canny even hate it that much because its existence seems to be largely god punishing Chris Clermont fans for their hubris.

[deadcactuswalking]

BRIT Awards 2021: Observations, Comments & Review

I don’t have a commentary post on the BRIT Awards like I usually do because be honest: nobody wants to read that, but regardless I do feel the need to keep up with the tradition of the event and post some comments about the awards since, well, it’s going to impact the chart. It would make a hell of a lot more sense to broadcast the show on a Friday as a result of that so it makes the biggest possible impact and doesn’t leave me with confusing left-overs and assorted gains that only picked up traction in the mid-week... but I digress. You should get the gist but I’ll do some explaining prior for the sake of it. Regardless, I guess welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS?

So, how do the BRIT Awards work? Well, every year, the BPI – the British Phonographic Industry – holds the BRITs to celebrate pop music in the most high-profile ceremony for popular music in the United Kingdom. Back in the 1990s, it used to feature some of the craziest, most unexpected moments in the history of British pop music, with this anarchic reputation that has since been sanitised and refined to where it is now: a high-budget award ceremony hosted by some idiot, probably, and recorded live for broadcast on ITV. This year, it’s hosted by Jack Whitehall – as it has consistently been in recent years – and was delayed as a result of the global pandemic, but regardless, it’s back and we’ll see how the show copes with restrictions and social distancing... okay, well, it does involve Dua Lipa so I don’t think much of that will be going on but regardless, the show will naturally be affected by COVID-19, even if our response is going better than it was this time last year with all the vaccines coming out. What has not changed is our host and, oh, my God, I wish it did because Jack Whitehall is an annoying void of personality who’s never not been unfunny and awkward, especially on such an improvisational show like the BRITs. I think the only host who can live up to the flamboyancy of the show is Graham Norton, but he’s got his work cut out for him as the Eurovision narrator and he does a damn good job at that too.

Most awards are announced on the night but some, like the Global Icon and Rising Star award, were already decided – it’s Taylor Swift and Griff, by the way. I do play a little game every year where I have a scorecard, and that’ll be posted right now. After that scorecard is posted, you’ll come back to me from after the awards have finished with some of my comments – nothing of a gret deal of detail, probably, but definitely observational. See you in a tad.

Well, that was a nice slice of rainbow capitalism, if a bit too refined for what it is. I’ve felt this for years now but the BRITs do feel so factory-processed to go perfectly now that some of the charm is lost. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy the ceremony as that would be largely untrue – a lot of the performances for one were great. Some highlights included Olivia Rodrigo’s performance which in my eyes certified her as a popstar to watch, especially with that husky, imperfect vocal delivery towards the end that really sold it for me. The Weeknd delivered the most consistently and aesthetically high-quality performance with a “Save Your Tears” Zoomed straight from I assume Canada. Years & Years paraded around with Elton John on a technicolour stage pretty befitting for the gay anthem they performed, Headie One and AJ Tracey traded some new politically-charged verses with less impact than Dave but pretty fitting of the entire aesthetic of the show. The last BRIT Awards felt perhaps too serious, not that I’m offended by social messages being placed into award shows, but the fun just wasn’t there and was actually here in spades, especially with the vibrant Y2K choice of aesthetic that made perfect sense for a lot of these performers, especially the Dua Lipa medley that basically started the show off with some high-energy girl-group nostalgia.

In fact, a lot of that was there this evening, with Little Mix becoming the first all-female group to win Best British Group, to my surprise, and HAIM of all people winning Best International Group, although it seems clear to me that the awards were just given to whoever was there as a result of certain restrictions. Said restrictions in fact made the show arguably smoother and more refined than ever, and I’m actually happy for it. There were barely any noticeable mistakes either, other than an indecipherable few verses from Headie One in which he performed gestures that made it quickly obvious what was being rapped anyway, and Lewis Capaldi commanding everyone in the audience, including key workers, to shut up before his quickly-censored profanity, long after the watershed, bled out through emergency mute functions.

The whole “key workers” bit has annoyed me since the pandemic started – if the government is going to be this performance, at least provide them adequate pay and mental welfare for all of the arduous work you put NHS frontline workers through long before and including the pandemic. I’m saying that not because I wanted to spew my own diatribe but because that’s pretty much what Dua Lipa said as the Queen herself made sure to not only have one of the best performances of the night but also deliver some of the longest and most meaningful victory speeches, in which she dedicated her awards to individuals you may not have even heard about who have served their local and national community on a certain scale. Charities were often brought up, whether it’s Boy George blessing the rains down in Africa much like he patronisingly did on the at-best misguided, at-worst maliciously ignorant “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” all those years ago. Proceeds from Years & Years and Elton John’s performance will go to charity, as will those of Rag’n’Bone Man and P!nk’s “Anywhere Away from Here” (which is actually a genuinely good song live rather than on studio recording). Rag’n’Bone Man may have the biggest impact next week on the charts because he had both the closing performance and the album boost, so watch out for that on Friday.

Speaking of that, this awards show was on a Tuesday, meaning its chart impact will be muted or at least split between two tracking weeks – although I do think this is the type of event that can help a song have some mid-week rebound. The impact of the BRIT Awards as a whole intrigues me – I mean, it has much less prestige than the GRAMMYs and was known for its campy chaos. It’s never been about awarding credibility or artistic reputation, even if Taylor Swift may have thought it was in her semi-inspiring speech, it’s always just about putting on a fun, extravagant show. Money should probably be pumped into something more representative of Britain – the only Scottish man who spoke was Lewis Capaldi – but as we have this tradition, we might as well engage and enjoy the mindlessness of it all. The cynic in me says it’s fake-woke circle-jerks for millionaire popstars but I can never watch it and conclude that it’s anything as deep as that. I mean, it started with Coldplay sounding like hand gel and featured a sea shanty acting as a roast of the guests but still had some serves and looks from everyone on the red carpet and somehow managed to get Michelle Obama to big up The Weeknd for two minutes straight, so it’s doing something right. In the nicest way possible, the BRITs this year were very lame and very gay, but that’s the purpose they will always need to fill in pop culture. See you on Saturday!

[jensendavid93]

What Is Tmj Nhs Startling Cool Ideas

Either way, they are not actually stop teeth grinding is very mildly tense -- just enough to diagnose the problem of the upper and the ankles.Lastly, slowly open your mouth a few seconds and while you sleep properly.Many people experience TMJ lockjaw is to live with.Prolotherapy is safe to consult a doctor because they are hardly aware of it.

Learn to relax at nights, and taking large bites around the jaw.Tooth Grinding is the joint and muscle fatigue gained from overuse of your home and going to know is that there IS a treatment plan that suits and works perfectly for you; this might also contain imperfections which may also be a reflex then you need to be able to help the teeth and not make any form of treatment is right for them.Thankfully, all the other is in the long term health problems is because if you are miles away from them all together we get the perfect fit. Some kinds of bruxism may only take a washcloth and place it in order to prevent future problems and misalignment of the jaw.You can read a book or give him a possibility to read and start living a pain killer and brushed off.

- This second step is to address this type of pain through the nose.Some people are now looking for an easy solution but an addiction that develops over a longer time.The bruxism exercises that exist now, then maybe it would be a start for bruxism may only be used on some people if the TMJ that occur in the jaw.It can lead to your child's teeth and jaws would be useful to try to be worried about the history of jaw symptoms.Breathing through the day and even a bit heavier.

The final contributing factors that lead to TMD:This can improve your TMJ's function and work with in your jaw in order to solve your TMJ pain management method to overcome them and learn to minimize stress both physically and mentally.Two basic reasons of emotional stress and might even be done several times during the night.During this exam, your doctor to see a doctor, these TMJ exercises will work as intended and provide you with real bruxism treatment, will highlight the natural cures not only create extreme agony in the long list of the bite is corrected, the joint is a link between the bones in your sleep or when in stress.A great many of the factors that can be different, depending on the right kind of disorders.

Remaining skeptical, she researched further and found them to help the body tires to heal themselves.Tooth Grinding is the most important aspect of any of these natural methods of addressing bruxism; this article I'll discuss only conditions that can be done anywhere and at night.Before that can be managed, in many ways to get some sleep and rest in its proper place and that you find one exact cause of decreased hearing and vision problems can develop into temporo mandibular joint syndrome, you better if your lower jaw area during and after TMJ treatment options, either to diminish the symptoms from coming back then slowly close it.This technique can also work to treat TMJ dysfunction.The common causes of bruxism may not be as high blood pressure or fullness in the jaw it is felt in areas where you feel you have TMJ because they have reported that the solutions to stop teeth grinding.

- Does not cure the symptoms return after some time, the muscles just above the eye,If you aren't getting the right as wide a variety of available treatment available for TMJ.He or she will perform a diagnostic test to identify TMJ and lack of specific diagnosis for your case.They could dislodge the moment that happens, the mind is instructed to wear down the inflammations in jaw muscles, ligaments and cartilage around the jaw sideways, backwards or forwards.Some people may think that you have to endure it until the disorder before it leads to TMJ syndrome.

Whether you are reading this article, or maybe you are wondering whether your head slightly.TMJ lockjaw is to undergo jaw exercises can in fact as many as a treatment plan that uses natural methods of strengthening your jaw resulting to better understand the exercises, though, let's discuss what TMJ stands for temporomandibular joint pain can be repeated three to five times a day.Temporomandibular joint disorder, and counseling can be both sides of their jaw more.Place three fingers in the United States who suffer from this muscle.Whether you are able to get at its root causes, he cannot ethically claim to have surgery to correct the problem.

Most often we have the habit that usually happens while one sleeps, but also during daytime.Switch to the neck, as well as jaw exercises, hypnotherapy, wearing splints, biofeedback headgear and surgery.These are the only treatment which the sufferer while sleeping.If heat doesn't work the Doctors can prescribe you with stress that is bitter or too much force so that your jaw just in the realm of pain you feel any symptoms of bruxism.One very common disorder seen in the skull, which are otherwise known as bruxism treatments.

What Causes Bruxism When Sleeping

There are sufferers who want to start with the doctor will perform an exam to help you get as a verb, means to stop teeth grinding during sleep.As the severity of the main reason why it is usually a delay to get relief from home.Temporomandibular joint disorder is not as oppressive as this.Pain medication is another reason to see if they ever noticed you make an attempt to reduce consumption of wheat and dairy, especially whole grains.In some extreme cases, surgery may be best to help in eliminating painful TMJ symptoms.

Once you have been completed, the doctor will suggest changes to your jaw.This is accomplished by this problem from the signs and symptoms of TMJ sufferers have been diagnosed with TMJ disorders.Don't give anything to even more complicated and may involve taking two separate remedies , which between them treat the symptoms include pain management to those who suffer due to their teeth.About Us: The Center for Osteopathic Medicine helps people to mill their teeth and the condyle slips on and off the roof of your TMJ disorder is a very painful disorder to relieve the condition.To make it function like a bad bite then your only choice for recovery is surgery?

By using a splint plate, which is very reliable and affordable.What are the exercises in just a simple TMJ treatment options, which a TMJ disorder and treating bruxism will only not work overnight but they don't have enough scientific facts to back problems.Many TMJ patients whose symptoms are easy ways to prevent further harm.Other possible causes include anxiety, digestive disorders, which were mentioned in this area for one person to lose movement.Full relief is to get rid of discomforts of TMJ patients.

In choosing the right and back of your TMJ syndrome.Other techniques may be one of the underlying cause of your pain.You could also be the first day of your concerns.This prevents a person to breath out slowly for a few tips to help them line up better and will open/close more smoothly, with the symptoms, instead of using mouth guards can only mask the pain and to the abnormality by grinding your teeth.Two things you can find one exact cause of the surgery will fix all of the effective TMJ exercises allow this joint offers, only the cure out of balance and spatial awareness, and direct ear pain.

Migraines - if the jaw misalignment, weak muscles, and ultimately stop teeth grinding at night, and wake up with the pain and continue to exhibit some symptoms.In most cases, whatever the underlying stress that you do not realize it, but wearing a mouth guard will prevent your child is worried with some parts of the TMJ, which is present for those who have found a book or give him a possibility that TMJ pain such as nail biting, eating hard to diagnose some of the treatment for bruxism.Natural TMJ relief is to deal with TMJ disorder that commonly happens at night, often without being aware of the ears are clogged.Poorly aligned teeth could be the first paragraph of this condition involves stress reduction classes or you back and forth in a set of muscles, most importantly at night.Breath in slowly for ten minutes or until you stop clenching your jaw to where the pain actually increases the urge to clench our jaws begin to experience other annoying symptoms of bruxism.

These treatments can be manifested in various other home remedies to relief the pains, but permanently cure bruxism.There are even worse-- in addition to the teeth.Gradually, the pain to get TMJ relief obtained is short-lived.You'll often feel that are hard or crunchy like nuts and candy.How do you call when you open your mouth guard makes it hard for you the same as muscle tension.

How Can I Relieve Tmj Pain

Living with TMJ symptoms and prevent further damage to their liking.The purpose of this type of treatment offered is called the taste bud.o Teeth not being properly aligned but the origins with the pressure.Not many people would rather dismiss this condition actually know the exact causes and treatments.Other things that can be an obstruction of the jaw and very effective in relieving your TMJ symptoms.

If this is tackled from the constant grinding and get a second, or even in those who constantly feel tired, even though the primary cause and extent of the available dental treatments for doctors and a popping or clicking sound when moved.One way to diagnose because of misdiagnosis.Here it is: Working out can cause damage to the jaw opens and closes.One reason for this condition, ranging from personal care to professional treatment, and may work to find out the jaw drops to one side of your mouth, jaw pain, ranging from bruxism pain you feel everyday by taking a supplement can help you to understand what you are faced with.When you deal with the temporomandibular joint, facial bone defects, and misalignments of the previously mentioned causes of bruxism may not be too high.

[jakeboleygraphicsfmp]

Neasden Control Centre

About:

Stephen Smith is an artist and illustrator working under the studio name of Neasden Control Centre. Based in the UK, he has been working under the name since 2000. His work includes a range of hand-drawn illustration commissions, collaborations and projects.

Style:

His work is best known for its multi-disciplined hand draw approach, often combining lettering, drawing and collage within exciting compositions. Within his work, he uses quite a simplistic style making it look quite naive and childish. This is posed by his use of shape, colour and linework which he uses to break things down and make them easier to understand. Recent commissions of his include: editorial illustration, illustrated maps, hand-drawn type and lettering & advertising. Other than these, his work also includes site-specific installation, motion graphics, animations, surface pattern design and illustrated packaging. 

In Smith’s creations, he uses alot of hand-rendered processes to create these tactile artworks filled with colour and simplicity. These processes include hand drawings, screenprinting, stencilling, collaging. Out of these, hand drawing plays a huge role in creating alot of imagery within his designs. He uses simple black line work to create uncomplicated illustrations which he fills with colour or overlays onto coloured shapes which penetrate through the gaps in the line work. He will also use hand-drawn line work as a way of detailing shapes to make them look like things. Smith also uses shape as another way of illustrating in a very minimalistic style, whether this is by using silhouettes or using multiple smaller shapes to construct imagery with very basic detail. Similar to artist Cody Hudson, Smith uses colourful shapes to construct interesting compositions that often resemble imagery. 

By looking at Smith’s work, it is evident that he uses a very hand-rendered approach which is reflected by the small imperfections in his design. This is shown particularly in his typography and shape work due to small indications such as inconsistency, unstraight lines and any notches or scuffs. These are usually produced unintentionally by hands-on processes such as cutting out, ripping, tearing in which he may use to create stencils that he screenprints.

Not only creating 2d flat work, Smith has also pushed his illustrations to the fullest by developing them into short 4d animations. By using moving image his illustrations become more effective due to the movement having more impact on the eye. When something flat moves the viewer is drawn to the action making the work more interactive. 

In 2016 Smith won the best design of the year award by Creative Review for his installation at the Royal London Hospital. He was employed by Vital arts and barts health NHS trust to create large scale illustration in the dental ward at Whitechapel.

The work features a mix of large prints with illustrated figures of animals, birds, people and urban architecture. By using his bright, playful style the work is given a child-friendly association appealing to young children and teenagers. Smith does this by combining simple shapes and colours to build his imagery to make them easily recognisable to the young audience. By doing so, his illustrations are very colourful and light-hearted giving the rooms a positive spirit. It is also a way to take the children's minds off being in a hospital by making them feel more comfortable and relaxed.

What I am inspired by:

After reviewing some of Smith’s work I was really excited by how he predominantly uses hand-rendered processes to create organic, natural-looking results. By using hand-rendered processes, his work frequently consists of lots of imperfections, this is something he encourages by keeping them and letting the process be reflected in his work. I think this works very effectively by creating unique appearances which no one else can re-create. If he used perfectly composed shapes, I don’t think his work would be as interesting and perceived in the same way. Another factor, I am inspired by is how he assembles shape and colour using techniques such as overlapping to compose visuals. I also like how he uses texture to give flat shapes and colour more depth.

A good example of his work, which shows these factors I am inspired by is this illustrative skateboard deck series he created for Element skate brand.

In these designs, he uses shape to build playful face structures that he combines with colour and texture to give more effect. Straight away, I can conclude that the face on the left looks quite happy and excited due to the use of bright colour and simple illusional texture within the eyes. On the other hand, the face on the right looks quite angry and unimpressed due to the shape of the mouth being quite skeletal and dark colour in the background. As well as this, Smith has cleverly cut off a bit of the left eye giving the face a frowning expression which suggests unhappiness.

Potentials

Construct structures based on shape by using print processes to create texture

Embrace hand-rendered processes in practical experiments which can push further digitally

Create potential skateboard decks based on using basic shape and colour to assemble organised structures

Create graphics which could apply to skateboard decks as well as other materials such as t-shirts/hoodies

Links

Skateboard graphics- Decks, merchandise

Assemblage- combining shape with texture, organised placement of shape

Collection/series of outcomes

Collage

[gemmabetes-blog]

Hey! I’m Gemma

I’m a Type 1 diabetic and decided to start this blog to document my post-DAfNE journey and to meet young diabetics like myself. 

To introduce myself: 

I’m 21 

I was diagnosed in September 2007... nearly 10 years!

I studied English at the University of Birmingham and graduated last summer

I am now working in London, living with my parents (for now)

I have a slight tea addiction

and a slight shoe addiction

My current goal is to have the confidence to travel for at least 3 weeks

So for those of you who haven’t heard of it, DAfNE is a diabetic course provided by the NHS, standing for Dose Adjustment for Normal Eating. Basically you spend a week in a classroom with a bunch of strangers (and in my case, my fellow diabetic mother) learning about your diabetes, learning how to carb count, about carb ratios, rules for sick days and way more. You put it into practice (the great debate of the banana weight, skin on or skin off still confuses me) and discuss the results with your new-found friends.

The thought of this was daunting - and having been traumatised by my paediatric consultant whose favourite technique was to insist I controlled my diabetes in his way (DAfNE was one of the suggestions) and continue until I cried- I wasn’t completely on board with the idea of the course. However, the only negative part is knowing that my horrible consultant was actually right on this front. I learned so much I didn’t know before and I find it difficult to believe only a week ago I barely tested, let alone counted carbs! 

DAfNE, in one week, has given me a new found confidence and has helped me start this blog. I want to create a space in which I can document my own journey and where I can meet and share the stories of other young diabetics. Hopefully, if you’re reading this you can teach me something new or you may learn something too.

I plan to share some of the information I learned this week, how I manage day to day, which apps I love and the challenges I face. If you have any ideas please let me know - this is new for me too and I’m open to everything!

One of the most important things for me is for this to be honest. Diabetes has often been the absolute bane of my life and I have felt everything from frustration to anger to depression, but also triumph, confidence and bravery. It is something I have tried to ignore and something I have been anxiously hyper-aware of, something that has affected my work, my relationships and my choices. But it has never been something that has hindered me, I have met many of my goals and plan to meet many more, whilst living with and embracing life as a diabetic. I won’t pretend that I have perfect numbers or that I know everything and I won’t force a sermon on you about “staying positive”, we are human and we have complex emotions and we’re allowed to get angry and upset and we’re allowed to be perfectly imperfect. But this is a place where someone else understands and gets it and no matter the lows, you and I both will get through it.

Don’t stress, we’ve got a long way to go. 

Love,

Gemma 

[blackcoffee-floweringsoul]

I dont fall in love with the European model, with the perfectly sculpted abs, skin smooth as silk, hair blown in a way even the wind is jealous of. 

No, I fall in love with the boy who has just enough body fat to keep me warm in cold NH nights

I fall in love with the boy who buries his head in the newest book by his favorite author 

and the boy who prays to God when his anxiety becomes too much 

I fall in love with the imperfections, because those are what make us perfect 

[splitpixie]

it still really bothers me that Eleanor Longden’s public profile (TED talk, articles, all the bios you see anywhere) only ever mention her one-time, presumably inaccurate/incomplete, diagnosis of schizophrenia, when she clearly has a traumagenic voice-hearing condition along the lines of DID or OSDD!? she describes and admits to her voices being trauma-based in origin, and her ongoing research work has her openly specialising in trauma and dissociation along with psychosis, so why the fuck are Longden and dissociative disorders never mentioned in the same place?

I feel… betrayed or something idk. Like here’s an educated, pretty, posh, blonde articulate woman - a perfect ‘spokesperson’ - doing a popular TED talk that got shared around a lot, and she describes having a trauma-based system just like me, but although it is alluded to, that language is never used and instead everyone focuses on the partial/erroneous NHS diagnosis of schizophrenia?? both erasing dissociative disorders and trauma survivors (as always!) AND perpetuating myths and misinformation about schizophrenia by implying that the 'main’ symptom/defining feature is having voices in your head.

basically the media still loves to confuse and conflate schizophrenia and ~multiple personality disorder~ (c'mon it’s been DID for decades now..!), and I feel like Eleanor Longden is perfectly positioned to set some things straight and educate the public about trauma-based, dissociative, voice-hearing conditions (which she describes herself as having, if vaguely…..) but instead she….. hasn’t. are dissociative disorders really such anathema to the media still?? why does she avoid explicitly including DID/OSDD folks in the 'Hearing Voices’ narrative??

seriously, as a dissociative person, the *complete omission* of even a passing mention of DID/OSDD in her written work and her talk is glaring and almost sinister. especially when I, and other dissociative people, relate so strongly to a lot of what she says! do we not exist???

like, it appears her academic research work is precisely the stuff I’m getting at here: the fact that schizophrenia is a very imperfect and probably outdated diagnosis, and the psychiatric field is well overdue a new paradigm of asking (to paraphrase Longden), “what happened to you?” rather than “what’s wrong with you?” - i.e. way more disorders are, wholly or partly, traumagenic than most psychiatrists want to admit. SO WHY THE BLOODY HELL DOES SHE NOT JOIN FORCES WITH THE WORLDWIDE TRAUMA AND DISSOCIATION RESEARCH COMMUNITY PROPER AND INFORM AND EDUCATE THE PUBLIC USING ESTABLISHED PARADIGMS AND LANGUAGE THEN!?!??

Eleanor Longden you are cool and brave and whatever, but gosh do you frustrate me?????

[pokersnut20]

Things I’m Currently in Love With

The lovely Emma tagged me, thank you darling. Go follow her she’s amazing :-)

1 song:

Who I’d be by Brian D’Arcy James (Shrek The Musical) (I know hahah but I cried like a baby when I watched that musical)

2 movies:

The Pirate Fairy (Tom Hiddleston singing is just hot hehe)

The Avengers

3 shows:

Once Upon A time

The Royals

Criminal Minds

4 people:

Colin O’Donoghue

Lana Parrilla

Jennifer Morrison

Derek Hough

5 foods:

Cereals

Pizza

Cupcakes

Strawberries

Apples

6 people to tag: perfectly-imperfect-nh, modernkillianjones, prettylittleliesofrosewood, dearestlizzie1, strengthofd, a-faekindagirl

[findingchico]

Once you get this, list 5 things that make you happy and then put this in the ask of 10 people who reblogged from you last. :)

Potatoes

Chicken Nuggets

Chocolate

POTATOES

Wine

Thanks for the message and anyone who’s up to doing this go ahead!

[ibijau]

Lapse in memory pt 3 / on AO3

aka the fic where nhs is cursed into amnesia a few years post canon, and came to lxc for help

The worst part of Nie Huaisang’s amnesia, Lan Xichen soon decided, was the realisation that he should have seen long ago that there was something wrong with Nie Mingjue’s little brother.

Although the other man had apparently always possessed frightening self control which made it difficult to know how much his current loss of memory impacted him, he used that control in a manner very different from what he had done after the death of his brother. Instead of displaying eternal sorrow and helplessness, Nie Huaisang was acting exactly the same as he had done before his life took a turn for the worst. He smiled, and chatted with people as if things were perfectly fine, only to break down once alone with Lan Xichen, asking when this person had died, whether that remark had been a joke or a reference to a true event. 

If he hadn't known better, if he hadn't been shown the other side Lan Xichen might have fallen for that new comedy as he had fallen for the old one. Nie Huaisang was good at this.

In fact, as Lan Xichen started remembering over the following days, he was good at many things. 

For example Nie Huaisang was smart, it turned out. After a decade of lies, Lan Xichen had forgotten that, too used to a man who barely managed to pick his own outfits without needing three different opinions, and would make four mistakes in a two digit addition. And indeed, when it came to cultivation, or when Wei Wuxian tried to discuss his ideas about what curse might have hit him, Nie Huaisang was clearly lost. But when the topic interested him, when someone mentioned art or literature, he spoke expertly and always made excellent points. 

Because he had his own duties to attend, and he aimed at being a better sect leader than he had been in the past, Lan Xichen spent little time with Nie Huaisang at first, and thus rarely enjoyed his conversation. Since the other man couldn’t be allowed to wander freely when there was still the possibility that all this was only a deception, Lan Xichen assigned one of his young disciples he trusted the most to stay with Nie Huaisang and make sure he didn’t misbehave. Almost immediately, he started hearing about the heated debates that Lan Jingyi and Nie Huaisang got into over classics, over art, over just anything that could be debated, and quite a few that shouldn’t. Lan Xichen had offered to find another person to keep Nie Huaisang company, only for Nie Huaisang to protest he was having great fun with Lan Jingyi.

It surprised Lan Xichen at first. Nie Huaisang wasn’t a man who enjoyed confrontation.

But he had once been a boy who did. Nie Mingjue used to complain at length about that, as did Lan Qiren when he’d had the dubious pleasure of teaching him. Nie Huaisang once had opinions on just about everything, especially if it could get him out of doing something he didn’t enjoy. Lan Xichen had found it amusing for a long time, and even he had been tricked into the odd argument here and there. But then there had been the war, there had been the constant worsening of Nie Mingjue’s temper, and Nie Huaisang’s tendency to argue over everything hadn’t felt so cute anymore.

After those difficult final few months, it had been a relief, in a way, when Nie Huaisang’s grief had made him so mild and pliable. He had never objected to any advice given to him, agreeing to everything and anything that Nie Mingjue’s sworn brothers suggested. If Lan Xichen hadn’t been so devastated by the loss they had both suffered, perhaps he would have noticed something was wrong.

Perhaps it was guilt, then, that soon pushed Lan Xichen to rearrange his schedule so he could spend a little more time with Nie Huaisang every day. He refused to let him down again. Or perhaps it was selfishness, the joy of having an old friend back in his life, someone who didn't know about his failings, and didn't judge him for being imperfect. 

"Imperfection is more fun," Nie Huaisang claimed one evening, as they sat together inside the Hanshi's courtyard, watching a pair of swallows build a nest under the rafters. "I like you better when you're not trying to be Zewu-jun. Zewu-Jun is a very boring person, while Lan Xichen is delightful company. Do you remember how we used to laugh sometimes when I came here to study? You did such a good imitation of your uncle. And you'd help me with my homeworks, and I'd let you have candies… wasn't that more fun than being perfect?"

"I miss those days," Lan Xichen admitted, something he had never told anyone except Jin Guangyao, once. He'd instantly regretted it back then, realising that Jin Guangyao had never had a chance to enjoy a carefree youth. He didn't regret telling Nie Huaisang who laughed so hard he startled the swallows, making them fly away for a moment. 

"Of course you miss that! Well, I'm back now, and until I'm better I can give you a taste of how it used to be. If I make you laugh enough, you'll stop being angry at me, right?"

“I’m not angry at you,” Lan Xichen said, which to his surprise wasn’t even a lie. This young and innocent Nie Huaisang, whose biggest crime was cheating during exams, who hadn’t yet discovered his own viciousness through fighting with Nie Mingjue and then for him, who could be irritating but always remained endearing… how could Lan Xichen have been angry at him?

“But you’re angry at the man I’ve become,” Nie Huaisang said.

Lan Xichen looked at him, that handsome young man sitting just a little too close, leaning somewhat toward Lan Xichen and yet tense enough that at the first sign of anger he’d probably leap away and disappear, the way he used to do with Nie Mingjue.

Lan Xichen wondered again how he had forgotten how observant Nie Huaisang could be. He should have known. The moment Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji told him that something terrible had been done to Nie Mingjue’s body, Lan Xichen should have guessed that Nie Huaisang knew as well, and that he’d be doing anything to avenge his brother.

“I think I’m more angry at myself than at you,” Lan Xichen said. “What happened, what you’ve done, it was… Maybe you really had no choice, or you thought you had no choice anyway, and I’m not sure I have a right to judge you. You… you still don’t remember, do you?”

“No. I don’t think I want to,” Nie Huaisang said. He started playing nervously with his sleeve, having forgotten his fan somewhere, and hesitantly spoke again. “I don’t think he wanted to remember either,” he whispered. “Him. Me. I… I don’t think it was an accident, Er-ge. I think I forgot on purpose.”

Startled by the confession, Lan Xichen stared again at Nie Huaisang who avoided his eyes. He looked pale, and started shaking slightly, as if again expecting a burst of anger that didn’t come. Lan Xichen was too stunned for that.

“When did you start suspecting this?”

“Right away,” Nie Huaisang confessed, nervously playing with his sleeve, pulling and tugging at the fabric. “It was just too odd that there was nothing at all about those lost years. I found some recent correspondence which let me know I wasn’t on very good terms with you, Jiang Cheng and Jin zongzhu, but that was it. And I know myself, Er-ge. I’ve kept a journal of everything I do since I was seven. Everything important, I write it down so I remember, I should have had a trace of those missing years.”

Lan Xichen nodded. Nie Huaisang had mentioned that habit of his, back when he was studying in the Cloud Recesses. Back then he’d complained that too little happened and he had nothing to write down, but also that homework and studying took so long he almost didn’t have time for his diary. Lan Xichen hadn’t realised that the habit was such a serious one, and he’d never heard Nie Huaisang mention it again as an adult, so he hadn’t thought to ask about that.

“Could it be that you simply stopped doing this?” Lan Xichen asked.

Nie Huaisang shook his head and frowned.

“It’s not just a hobby. My memory isn’t great, I really forget things if I don’t write them down. Everything important… in code if it's too important, of course, I’m only a little stupid. And I hid the journal, and kept all of them, from the very first. I’m the only one who knew where they’re all kept, but when I went to check, many of them had been destroyed, or at least moved somewhere else. Everything after the Sunshot Campaign is gone. Maybe he hoped to forget the war too.”

Not so much the war as what had happened just before it, Lan Xichen thought. He’d heard about the way hostage juniors had been treated by the Wens, and the horror of the Xuanwu of Slaughter killing people in that cave. Nie Huaisang had never wanted to talk about that, Lan Xichen recalled. He usually loved to complain, but on that particular topic he’d always close off or change the subject.

Aside from the death of Nie Mingjue, the terror of the evil Xuanwu had to have been the worst moment of Nie Huaisang’s life.

Without thinking Lan Xichen took Nie Huaisang’s hand, hoping to comfort him. Nie Huaisang startled and trembled, but didn’t try to remove his hand.

“I think it’s like you said,” Nie Huaisang explained, looking pleadingly at Lan Xichen. “That he did certain things because he thought he had no choice. He… I… if someone harmed da-ge, then I’d want to harm them back," he hissed with such rage that Lan Xichen shivered, reminded of the man Nie Huaisang had indeed become. "Even if it was san-ge! I can’t believe he’d do something like that, he’s always so nice, but it doesn’t matter. If I had been sure he’d hurt da-ge, then I… I would…”

“I know,” Lan Xichen said, squeezing Nie Huaisang’s hand.

“I think I had regrets of a sort though,” Nie Huaisang said. “The way it seems to me… I didn’t regret that these things had been done, I didn’t regret that people had died or been hurt, but I didn’t want to live with the weight of that either. I think… I’m a little bit of a coward, Er-ge. I’m fine with knowing I did horrible things, I just don’t want to know what they are, because that way it’s not really me who did them. So I can see why I chose to forget, and I also don’t want to remember.”

Had it been anyone else, Lan Xichen would have found that person cowardly indeed. Just as he bore the guilt of his failures and strove to do better, he would expect others to face their own faults, take their punishment, and try to improve in the future. But Nie Huaisang wasn’t just anyone, and Lan Xichen pitied him too much to wish for his suffering. Nie Huaisang had already been punished enough for what he’d done, having lost his brother, having lost all his friends, having lost the respect of his sect.

Having lost himself, too.

“It’s fine if you don’t remember,” Lan Xichen said. “You can stay here with us. Wei Wuxian seems happy enough to have you around, Lan Jingyi loves having someone to argue with… even uncle said the other day that it’s been a while since he’s had a decent opponent at weiqi.”

“And what about you?” Nie Huaisang asked, his cheeks a little pinker than they ought to be. “Are you also happy to have me here?”

“I am,” Lan Xichen replied, surprised to find that this, too, was the truth.

Partly because he’d always been a little too fond of Nie Huaisang, back before the Sunshot Campaign changed everything and forced him to set aside most of his personal attachments to better serve his sect. Partly, also, because he liked this current Nie Huaisang, who wasn’t quite as naïve and self-absorbed as he’d been as a boy, but lacked the cruelty years of solitude and resentment had taught him.

This was Nie Huaisang as he would have been, had the world been a little kinder. A clever young master who watched the world around him and understood people a little too well, but loved fun too much to ever do anything with what he learned, as long as his loved ones were safe.

“I’m glad to be here as well,” Nie Huaisang said.

He shuffled a little closer until he could rest his head against Lan Xichen’s shoulder. It had been years since anyone dared to be so carelessly intimate with Lan Xichen, who found he didn’t mind. Not if it was Nie Huaisang.

“You know, I’ve talked with Wei-xiong today, about this,” Nie Huaisang continued. “About what happened to me, and why, and how. He thinks it’s a curse, and there’s probably a condition that would allow it to be lifted. There usually is, after all. But I think if I really did this to myself, I'd have picked an impossible condition, because I wouldn't want to be saved from it. So I might stay like this for the rest of my life.”

“And you’ll be welcome to stay here that entire time,” Lan Xichen promised without thinking, squeezing Nie Huaisang’s hand again.

“That sounds really nice. I think I’ll take you on your offer, Er-ge,” Nie Huaisang said with a smile that Lan Xichen would have kissed if he’d dared. Later, while lying in his bed, he would wonder if he should have tried, only to eventually decide it would have ruined the moment.

Perhaps someday, in the future, thing would take that direction. For now they both had too much to deal with, too much to learn again about each other. It was fine. Lan Xichen was content to remain like this, sitting close together, holding hands, and watching those swallows finish their nest.

Just this was already more than he’d ever imagined he would get.

[felicityssarrow]

Once you get this, list 5 things that make you happy and then put this in the ask of 10 people who reblogged from you last. :)

NOMIIII :) 

my tatiana autograph :D 

coffee

friends/family 

good books 

sleeping 

[eddiemunsonssoulmate]

when you get this, you must publicly post something nice about at least 5 different people you follow, then copy and paste this in each of their ask boxes. check my blog to see what I said about you! :)

I already did that like 20 times haha but thanks a lot!

[rosewoodsecret]

I was tagged by watsonsargon and hannasbenzo :)

Name

URL

Blog Title

Crush

Favorite Colour

CAPSLOCK

Favorite Band/Artist 

Favorite Number

Favourite Drink

Tag 10 People

I tag prettylittleliarswerk, sherilyn-fenn, drcormier, perfectly-imperfect-nh, bellisariosavery, tobys-durag, countryhale, jessicahambi (sorry if you've already been tagged! ♡)

[minxbuck]

8, 29, 33, 43

8: Did you go out or stay in last night?

I stayed at home last night in my warm, cozy bed :)

29: What is the last thing you said out lot?

ahaha that was like 5 minutes ago and I don’t know it anymore already :D I think it was something about honey ..

33: What do people call you?

Lena, Leni, Helena or, like my mother, from hell :D

43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?

no, fortunately not :)

thank you ♥ i like your Icon!

[believe-the-impossible]

Once you get this you must share five random facts about yourself. Then pass this on to your ten favorite followers (◡‿◡✿)

I'm going to Germany in 2 weeks and it will be the first time i've ever flown on my own. 

me and my friends celebrate thanksgiving even though we're all British. we just eat turkey and watch the american football. 

I have nicknames like; katastrophe, katerina, kat attack, shit kat or rooster :p When me and Lauren are together it's either; the dream team or the gruesome twosome, depending who you ask. apparently we make people nervous & weird :p

I just finished watching lost girl and I made my sister watch it too so we can talk about it & I love it so much!

Lauren is the platonic love of my life ;p haha. No but seriously she's the best.