#people who use language exchange apps as if they were dating apps confuse me

[eddis-not-eeddis]

:/

[timetoresurface]

sweaty palms / JYH

a 5k friends to something more Yunho x Y/N where Y/N starts to realize she might like Yunho more than just a friend. 

This can be read as a one-shot or as part two to One Day At a Time. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking about this Yunho and Y/N. I think they’re cute.

“You have been here for over a year, and you still don’t know how to eat with chopsticks?” Yunho asked you in disbelief while trying to hide his laugh. He picked up your favourite side dish and put it on your plate. You thanked him by giving him a genuine smile, which always made him blush like crazy. He didn’t need a lot for his ears to turn adorably red. 

“It’s hard.” You whispered while struggling to pick up the piece of food Yuhno had put on your plate. When you finally managed to eat the side dish, Yuhno applauded you as if you had just won some sports competition. 

“No, it’s not.” He told you matter of factly, which kind of made you want to punch him in the face. Unluckily for you was his face too handsome to hurt, so you tried to verbally punch him in the face.

“You have been in an international band for over two years, and you can only say a simple greeting in English.” You told him while laughing softly. You were the only one who could say these things to Yunho. Somehow he never got mad at you when you said hurtful things. 

“It’s hard.” He repeated your words with the most prominent pout on his face. You quickly squeezed his cheeks which made him laugh softly.

“No, it’s not.” You responded while trying to eat with the tricky chopsticks. The truth is that you had actually gotten better at eating with chopsticks, but you liked the fact that Yunho took care of you when you were struggling. He knew you could properly eat without his help, but he somehow loved to take care of you.

You and Yunho had met through a dating app. Which is weird because he is an idol, and you are a foreigner who kind of spoke the Korean language. You were a strange match for friends, but somehow both of you managed to make time for each other. He had also deleted his profile on the dating app, not wanting to create a scandal. The only reason he had the dating profile was that he had lost a bet. He only kept messaging you because he actually thought you were interesting enough to keep the conversation going.

He explained the situation the first time you met up in real life when he wanted to show you the best ramen place in town. The restaurant was closed, and you ended up eating something from the convenience store around the corner of where he lived. You still remember how it suddenly turned dark, and you couldn’t recall how long you had sat on the side of the street with him talking about nothing and everything. 

You exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch, which was extremely difficult at first. You worked a cliche office job, so you worked from Monday until Friday from eight AM until seven PM. Yunho practised 24/7 which made it challenging to stay in touch. Somehow you found a routine to meet up once a week to have food, and this has been going for a couple of months. You knew more about Yunho than about your friends back home at the moment. 

He was always there and easy to contact. When you called him in the middle of the night due to some stressful nightmare, he would always pick up and make sure you were okay. Whenever he had a comeback with his group, he would always make sure to send you detailed updates if he found a second of free time. Whenever the two of you were together, the evening was filled with laugher and good food. You always hated the moment you had to say goodbye to him because you were never sure if you would see him the next week. He would always promise you that he would come, but life as an idol isn’t the most carefree life. Sometimes he had to cancel last minute, but he always made sure to make it up to you by buying you your favourite snack the next time you saw him.

“What are you thinking about?” Yunho asked you once he realized you hadn’t been actively involved in the conversation.

“Reminiscing.” You told him while you averted your eyes toward the couple in the back of the restaurant. They were acting and talking like you and Yunho, but their hands were intertwined. They looked at each other as if they were the only person on the earth that was worthy of their attention. You actually wanted something like that, and that’s why you had made a profile on the shallow dating app. Yunho was something you didn’t expect, but it was a pleasant surprise. A good friend is worth more than a simple one night stand or fuck buddy. 

“About what?” He asked you curiously, suddenly turning serious. 

“About our friendship.” You told him honestly. Your eyes found him, and the way he stared at you made you think of the couple in the back. There was no way he was looking at you because of a romantic feeling, but you liked to think he considered you worthy of his attention. Someone he could tell his secrets to, and someone who he could trust through thick and thin.

“How much you love me?” He asked you teasingly. You rolled your eyes, but couldn’t hide the smile his teasing had prompted. He had this talent of making you feel relaxed and at ease in even the most uncomfortable situations. He always knew what to say when you were feeling down, and he always knew how to make your smile bigger when you were already happy. 

“Of course, but also about how I never checked or deleted my profile. Do you think I should try the dating thing again?” You asked him softly. You had never really spoken about dating or liking someone. You also never talked about the fact you met through a dating app. 

“I think you should, but Korean men are not used to girls like you.” He told you while stuffing his mouth with food. Was he trying to avoid talking about you wanting to date someone?

“Girls like me? You mean me being not Korean?” You asked him uncomfortably, not knowing what to do with your hands.

“Yes.” He simply stated while he kept his eyes and attention on the food before him. Maybe you shouldn’t talk about this with Yunho. Perhaps you should just consider opening the topic of conversation again with your colleague Yuna. It was because of her you had met Yunho. She had swiped right when you weren’t paying attention. At first, you blamed her for doing something so reckless, but right now, you were grateful for her turning your lack of dating into her life’s mission. 

You decided to drop the topic as both you and Yunho became a little awkward. The rest of the evening was pleasant, but once you returned home, there was still a bitter aftertaste. Why did he suddenly close up when you talked about your non-existent dating life? Was it that difficult to pretend to be interested? You decided to talk about your struggles to Yuna.

“Is it that weird for me to want to date?” You asked her after you explained the situation to her. 

“I don’t know, maybe he’s jealous?” She told while sipping from her iced americano. 

“We’re not like that, and I have discussed this with you before.” You told her sternly, not wanting to start that discussion again.

“You said it yourself he looks at you like you put the stars in the freaking sky.” She reasoned with you, but you simply ignored her. Yunho was not the problem at this moment. 

“Honestly, this is not important. What should I do about my other situation?” You asked after you took a sip from your iced americano. Usually, cold coffee’s weren’t your cup of tea, but as everyone in Seoul was obsessed with an iced americano, you decided to learn to like it. 

“I know someone who I could set you up with. His English is excellent, and he is very handsome. I can’t date him because he has dated one of my friends. But I still keep in touch with him from time to time. Do you want me to set it up?” She told you while she took out her phone.

“Isn’t that weird?” You asked her. She handed you her phone and showed you his Instagram account. He wasn’t indeed bad looking, but you still felt weird to date someone you had never talked to. 

“That’s how Korean people date. Get used to it now that you are stuck here.” And she was right. You had to adapt to life here, even if it meant to do something that was out of your comfort zone. You simply nodded your head, and Yuna quickly made arrangements for your blind date. 

—

“You’re going on a blind date?” Yunho asked you, but you couldn’t read him. He didn’t ask you in disbelief or anything, he simply asked you because he knew you didn’t like to date new people. 

“Yuna arranged something.” You mumbled softly while you scooped a bit out of your shared ice cream pot. You were sitting next to Yunho on the swings of a playground close to where he lives. He held out the ice cream pot for you while you both were softly swinging. It wasn’t your first time on these swings. Whenever Yunho had a busy schedule you would meet him here to share some food. Tonight you decided to have some ice cream.

“When?” He asked you. He kept his gaze straight forward, not eating from the ice cream or looking at you. He didn’t seem invested in your story, but he did keep asking you questions. 

“I don’t know yet. We’re still setting a date through Yuna. It’s so weird to not have his number and talk to the other person.” You explained to him while taking another scoop of the delicious chocolate dessert. 

“That’s how normal Korean people date.” He simply stated. He still hadn’t taken a bite from his favourite flavour, and it confused you. Yunho is the type of guy to inhale food. 

“Have you ever been on a blind date?” You asked him softly. He immediately turned his head toward you, but you couldn’t read the look in his eyes. He seemed to be thinking of something, but you couldn’t decipher him. It was always like that with him. He continually changes himself according to the situation. Sometimes you weren’t sure if you actually knew the real Yunho. If anyone even knew the real him. You’d like to think you came close to deciphering him, but he always surprised you.

“I consider our first meeting as my only experience of dating.” He confessed softly while looking deeply into your eyes. You couldn’t stand the intensity of his stare, so you decided to look away.

“At least you never had a disastrous date.” You mumbled softly. You were actually glad Yunho hadn’t really dated anyone. It made it even more extraordinary how the two of you met. Almost romantic.

“Have you dated a lot?” He asked you. He finally started to eat from the ice cream, and the tension that you didn’t know you were holding, was finally leaving your body.

“I haven’t really been active here. I only dated you in my time in Seoul, but back home I kind of dated a lot.” You tried to explain to him. You didn’t want to make it look like you were a serial dater. You wanted him to feel special like he made you feel.

“Any of them disastrous?” He asked you cautiously as if he was scared of your answer. Or at least, that’s what you hoped.

“Most of them were.” You laughed softly, remembering the handful of guys you have dated throughout your time. Some of them were okay, but most of them were just wrong. They only talked about themselves and asked you if you wanted to have a drink at their place. We all know what happens when you accept a drink. You’re not going to be sucking on a straw if you accept their invitation.

“Why do you keep on dating if most of them weren’t pleasant?” He asked you while he kept staring at you intently, and your heart did a weird thing where it skipped a beat. Why did he have such a significant effect on you lately?

“I’m a hopeless romantic. You know that.” You answered him honestly. 

“I know you. You don’t want a relationship, so why keep on seeing people you barely know?” He stopped looking at you, and it felt as if you were losing him. You wanted his eyes on you forever. You wanted to look at him forever while he was staring at you. 

“I have had one good relationship, and once you’ve had it, you just want it again.” You confessed. 

“But the relationship ended. Why would you want to go through heartbreak again? You told me yourself you never wanted that again. What has changed?” He asked you, and honestly, you didn’t know the answer either. It’s true what he said. What has changed? 

“Isn’t love the reason for everything? Why we live? Why we want to keep going in life?” You asked him hypothetically, knowing he had another reason to live. For his fans. For his band members. He doesn’t have time for love and all the problems that come with loving someone.

“I guess so.” He shrugged. He looked at his phone and got up immediately. “I have to go. I’m going to miss practise if I don’t leave right now.” He told you. 

“Bye.” Was the only thing you could say when you saw him leave. You hated this part the most. You disliked him going, but there was no reason for him to say. The conversation had ended, and the ice cream had melted.

Y/N: You left your backpack. I’ll drop it off tonight. Yunho: Thanks. I thought I lost it. Y/N: 7 is okay? Yunho: Perfect!

“Y/N?” You quickly turned around to see who was calling you. “Are you free tonight?” Yuna asked you once she stood next to you. You really wanted to leave work, and bring back Yunho’s backpack before dropping dead on your couch. 

“Why?” You asked her curiously. 

“Felix is free tonight and asked if you wanted to get something to eat with him.” She told you excitedly, and you smiled. Felix wanted to spend his only free night with you. Not precisely with you because he didn’t know you, but it still felt good.

“What time?” You asked her returning her excitement for the night. It had been a while since you spend time alone with a guy. You didn’t count Yunho as you were simply friends.

“At eight. I’ll text you the details, and his number.”

“I can do that.” You confirmed her. 

“I’ll text him that you’re in.” She said while running off to wherever she was heading to. 

“Thanks.” 

“Hurry. You need to get out of these work clothes into something more presentable.” Yuna told you. You looked down at your two-piece suit, and you almost panicked. This is most definitely not a suitable date look.

You quickly hurried home to put on your best dress, and reapply your make-up. You didn’t want to look like you had put too much effort in, but you still wanted to look presentable. You grabbed Yunho’s backpack before closing the door of your apartment. The restaurant Felix had chosen wasn’t far from Yunho’s practice room, so you had enough time to be a good friend and on time for your date. 

“I’m Y/N. I’m here to give Yunho his backpack.” You told the person at the front desk. Usually, you could just walk in, but you always tried to check yourself in. You didn’t want people to think you were some weird fan who wanted to sneak into the boy’s practice room.

“I have you on our list. Yunho is in the practice room on the fifth floor.” The person told you nicely. You followed her instructions because you had never gone to the practice room by yourself. Usually, they call Yunho, and he would take you to wherever he wanted to hang out. 

It wasn’t hard to find where Yunho was. You simply followed the noise once you walked out of the elevator. It warmed your heart that he worked for a company that let them have a lot of fun and free time. The reason he practices so much is that he wants to himself. His company has repeatedly asked him to slow down, but he really wanted to give the best to their fans. His ambition was something you adored about him. He isn’t the kind of guy to let you down. 

“Yunho!” You said while knocking on the wall to signal you had come into their room. The boys stopped talking while Yunho turned around to where you were standing. He was dressed in black sweatpants and a black t-shirt, but somehow he stood out to you. The shirt was fitted in the right places, and you simply adored him in all black matched with his pale pink hair. 

“Y/N! You’re…” Yunho started saying, but he never finished his sentence. He was staring at you with his mouth wide open. 

“I’m what?” You asked him insecurely. Did you have something on your face or in your hair? 

“Beautiful.” He whispered softly, but he quickly recovered himself. “What are you doing here?” He asked you while keeping his eyes locked on your frame. As if he didn’t want to miss a moment of you standing there. 

“I told you I would bring back your backpack. You forgot it yesterday at the playground.” You explained to him, trying to hide your red face after he had called you beautiful. Had he really meant it? You didn’t think you looked much different than usual, but you did usually hang out with Yunho without make-up and in sweatpants. Maybe he had forgotten you were actually a pretty girl. You’d like to think you were pretty.

“Oh.” Was al he said which left you both staring at each other in silence. The other boys in the room softly whispered something to each other, but you didn’t care. Your eyes and your whole existence were fixed on Yunho.

“I have to go.” You told him once you found your voice again. It came out shaky, but it was enough for him to get the message.

“Where are you going?” He asked you while he ran his hand through his hair. His beautiful, candy-floss hair that you loved so much. You were never really a fan of boys colouring their in unnatural colours, but Yunho was the exception. He looked good in anything and everything. 

“I have a date.” You confessed. Your hands were fiddling with the small bag you carried. Why was it so awkward to talk about this with Yunho? Why did you suddenly want him to tell you to not go on your date? Why could you only think of him and about him, and just him him him.

“Oh.” Was the only response you got, which was not the kind you wanted. Why did he look okay with you going on a date with someone else? Just get yourself together. Yunho is a friend who has told you from the start he didn’t want to date, and didn’t consider you someone who could change his mind. You had also told him you didn’t want a relationship, and you probably wouldn’t fall for him. There is nothing going on between the two of you. 

“Okay. I’ll see you.” You finally responded after your internal struggle. He stood frozen in his spot, but you didn’t have the time to wait for him to wake up.

“Call me.” He quickly said before you left the room. “After your date.” He explained once he saw your confused expression. You simply nodded your head before saying goodbye to everyone. This time again, you left Yunho with a bad aftertaste. Something was changing, and you were scared of things to turn for the bad. You weren’t ready to say goodbye to Yunho because you hadn’t figured out your feelings for the pink-haired guy.

—

“You are Australian?” You asked your date in disbelief. You had met Felix in front of the restaurant, and you immediately hit it off. He was kind and a perfect gentleman for opening the door for you. He didn’t seem like the cocky guy, and you didn’t feel pressured to pretend to be someone you weren’t. It was also a nice change to speak English with someone who actually spoke English. 

“I know I don’t look it, but yes I am.” He confirmed in a thick Australian accent, making you melt.

“You’re accent is to die for.” You told him dreamily. You’ve always had a thing for accents, and he was the perfect mixture of everything. He seemed confident, but not the kind of scaring you away. Not the type of guy who thought he was the most fantastic guy in the world, even though he probably came close.

“Thanks. So where are you from?” He asked you, and you couldn’t stop asking each other questions throughout the night. You shared a nice meal, but you wouldn’t remember the food. You would remember Felix and his funny stories he told you with his thick accent. 

“So, who is the guy you’re trying to forget?” He suddenly asked you while he was walking you home. You stopped walking and looked at him with confused eyes. Why would he ask you something like that?

“Why are you asking?”

“I honestly think you’re a beautiful girl, but you haven’t really reacted to my flirting. I’m guessing there is someone else on your mind.” Felix explained himself, and it did actually make sense. He had tried to take your hand into his, and he had tried to flirt with you. Why hadn’t you reacted?

“I’m not sure if there is.” You told him honestly. You started walking again, but your thoughts weren’t in the conversation with Felix. Your thoughts immediately rushed back to Yunho. 

“You don’t have to tell me.” Felix finally said. He pushed his hands back into his pockets while he walked next to you. 

“There is honestly nothing to say. Nothing has happened, and nothing will ever happen.” You explained to him. He deserved an explanation of why you weren’t interested. You probably would have been all over him if it hadn’t been for Yunho.

“Have you ever tried anything? You don’t know if you don’t try.” Felix tried to help you. You looked into his eyes, and you could tell he was sincere. Felix actually wanted to help you, and it warmed your heart. There were still good guys here in Seoul, perhaps it is because he is Australian. 

“We have made sure from the beginning we didn’t want anything. We met under very unusual circumstances.” You told him softly.

“If you’re not going to do anything about it, I wouldn’t mind taking your mind off him.” Felix offered. You stopped in front of your apartment building, and he followed your moves.

“Are you free next week?” You asked him. Your hands were fiddling with your small bag, a bit nervous about his reaction. Maybe he didn’t want to hang out with someone as confused as you are at this moment.

“I know a good place for some Australian food.” He told you cheekily, and you offered him a genuine smile. His eyes were scanning your lips, but you quickly broke the moment.

“Of course you do.” You laughed, opening the door of the complex.

“I’ll text you the details?” Felix asked while he kept the door open. 

“Sure.” You nodded your head.

“Have a good night, Y/N,” Felix said before he left. Your heart didn’t skip a beat. Your eyes weren’t focused on his lips, and your palms weren’t sweaty. Felix is probably not the one for you, but someone is making your heart flutter, but you were convinced you didn’t make his palms sweaty. 

Yunho: Why didn’t you call me yesterday? Yunho: How was your date? Yunho: Hello?

Y/N: I’ll call you tonight?

Yunho: You want to meet up tonight?

Y/N: What time?

Yunho: Whenever you want.

Y/N: When does your practise end?

Yunho: Doesn’t matter  Yunho: I’ll make time for you Yunho: Just tell me the time and place, and I’ll be there

Y/N: playground at eight?

Yunho: I’ll be there

You don’t know why you felt so nervous about meeting Yunho at your usual spot. It felt like the first time. You decided to change out of your work clothes into a dress. The last time he had seen you in one, he had told you how beautiful you were. You wanted him to think you were always pretty. You wanted him to think you were the most gorgeous girl in the city. Did that make you pathetic? 

You hadn’t slept the night before because you were constantly thinking about Yunho and how he made you feel. The only conclusion that makes sense is that you actually like him. That you have feelings for the person who has been kind of your best friend in a city where you didn’t know many people. You didn’t just like him because he was kind and considerate of you, but also because you find him attractive. You had always found him pretty, but lately, your thoughts have been involuntary wandering toward a different road. 

It wasn’t just all in your head. He did stare at you when he thought you weren’t paying attention. Little did he know your focus was always on him even when you were looking up at the starry night sky. 

“Y/N!” Yunho said softly. You were seated on the slide deep in thought about Yunho, you hadn’t noticed him walking over to you. 

“Hi.” There wasn’t much you could say. You didn’t know how to start this conversation without losing him. You might have figured out your feelings for the man, but that didn’t mean you wanted to throw away the friendship you had with him. You were sure he didn’t have any feelings for you, simply because he didn’t have time for love. He didn’t have time to be in a relationship because he was an idol, and honestly, you did understand. You just wished it was different. 

“What are you thinking?” Yunho asked you while he seated himself next to you in the sand. 

“Nothing.”

“You look really pretty.”

“Can you not say these things?” You asked him irritated. You wanted him to figure out your feelings by himself. You didn’t wish to tell him because you were embarrassed. You were ashamed because you were the most cliche person on the planet at the moment. You had fallen for a good friend, and you didn’t want to lose him, but you also didn’t want him to be too sweet to you. 

“That you’re beautiful?” He asked you, shocked. He tried to hold your hand, but you quickly pretended to be busy searching your bag for something invisible. 

“Yes.” You simply confirmed. He reached out to you to brush a lost stray of hair behind your ear. Your heart was racing, and you hoped he didn’t hear your internal struggles whenever he touched you.

“Why?” His voice turned sad as if you had just beaten him. As if you had just told him to never eat again.

“Because I don’t know where it comes from.” You tried to explain, but it came out more cryptically than you had intended. 

“What do you mean?” He asked you confused. His big eyes searching yours for an answer he was never going to find. 

“I don’t know.” You broke the eye contact. You couldn’t look into his eyes without starting to cry. These feelings had always been there, but you had always tried to keep them hidden. Your date with Felix had awakened your inner feelings, and you couldn’t hide them anymore. You also didn’t want to tell him, scared of how he might react. 

“Is everything all right?” Yunho asked you worriedly. He finally managed to grab your hand to hold it in his. His other hand touched your cheek softly, scared he might break you. 

“I’m fine. Don’t worry.” You told him softly, letting your hand fall into his hand. You liked his delicate touch. You wanted to feel of his skin on yours, but you were greedy. You wanted and needed more. 

“Did that guy do anything?” Yunho suddenly asked you in a raised voice. His sudden change startled you, but you quickly shook your head. The unexpected act made your heart flutter. He did really care for you, why wasn’t that enough? 

“Someone else hurt me.” You simply stated. He let go of your hand and quickly stood up. He surprised you again by his actions, but you weren’t surprised. Yunho always surprised you. You had never really figured him out.

“Who did? Where is he? What happened?” He asked you at a fast pace. You didn’t understand half of what he had said, but you knew the intention. 

“You did.” You confessed, locking your eyes with his again. You reached out for is hand, and he let you hold his sweaty palms. 

“Me?” He crouched down until he was at eye level. He looked hurt, confused, and not okay. Di you just break him? You hadn’t even told him why. Did he figure it out? Did he not want to break your heart? 

“I like you.” You whispered while you gently stroked his face. His head rested in your hand while he closed his eyes. Your other hand pushed his hair back so you could look at him. His hair was always in front of his eyes, but you loved to look into his eyes. 

“Can you say that again?” He whispered softly with his eyes closed. 

“I like you, Yunho.” You whispered again, afraid you might scare him off if you were any louder. His eyes finally opened, and a single tear fell from his left eye. His hand wiped away the lost tear. He brushed your hair behind your ear and just looked at you. You couldn’t decipher what was going on inside his head, but you felt him moving closer to you. He looked at your lips and back into your eyes as if he was asking for permission. You simply nodded your head while you kept your hands frozen in his hair. 

He leaned forward with determination, and you could feel his breath fanning over your face. He smelled like peppermint and a bright future. He looked like a dream when he was staring at you as if you put the stars in the night sky just for him. He stopped the moment before your lips would connect, and your heart dropped. Why did he stop? But before you could react, his lips connected with yours. It was so innocent, yet rewarding to feel his lips on yours. It wasn’t like one of those close-mouthes kisses like you had never kissed before. It was a full-on, open-mouthed almost sexual kiss which left you wanting more. The way our lips fit like puzzle pieces. The way he reacted when you pulled him closer, and he held you tighter and tighter. When you broke away after what had seemed like ages, he simply stared at you. 

“I love you.” He softly confessed before his lips crashed on yours again, making your heart skip a beat, and your palms sweaty.

[joe-mazzello-archive]

The Strangers - Chapter Two - Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’

A Joe Mazzello x OC fic

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 6.2k

Chapter Warnings: Language, alcohol consumption, sexual references, slight angst (if you squint)

A/N: It’s finally here! So while the first chapter focused on Joe, this one lets us get to know Marley a bit more. Two down, four to go! Feedback is appreciated and my taglist is open!

Marley woke up with a dull headache and an awful taste in her mouth. The sun shone through the window across from the bed, bathing the room in a soft light. She threw an arm over her face to shield her eyes from the brightness. With a groan, she sat up, her head spinning as her eyes adjusted to her surroundings. Something shifted in the corner of her eye and she quickly realized she was not the only one in the bed.

She was not in her apartment. Oh right. Memories of the night before came flooding back to her. A series of events had led her to some random club somewhere in town. The guy was easy on the eyes and was clearly there for the same reason she was. She was horny and he was willing.

Marley eased her way out of the bed while her eyes scanned the floor for her clothing. She located her shirt, jeans, and boots, but her undergarments were nowhere to be found.

Fuck it. She threw on the clothes she could find and glanced back at the poor lad still asleep in his bed before slipping out of the bedroom. What was his name again? Tom? Todd? Whatever.

She found her phone and purse unceremoniously tossed on the ground. She said a silent prayer as she clicked the home button on her phone. 17%. Thank fucking god. It was enough to figure out where the fuck she was and how the fuck she was getting home.

As she left the apartment and made her way down the stairs, she pulled up the front-facing camera on her phone. She cringed at the sight of her obvious bedhead and the black smudges under her eyes. She ran her fingers through her bleached locks and attempted to rub off the dark makeup before she made her way out onto the street. She caught sight of a dark mark under her right ear and rolled her eyes. Fuck you, Todd. Or Tom. Whatever.

After a quick Google search of the nearest bus stop, Marley locked her phone and shoved it in her pocket with a sigh. Another day, another walk of shame. But she didn’t feel shame. She felt nothing. Maybe that was the problem. She always ignored the knowing looks people gave her as she made her way home. Fuck what they thought of her. So she sleeps around. Big deal. At least she didn’t have to deal with the bullshit that came with relationships any more. She glanced around at the cast of characters who filled the rest of the bus seats. The woman playing with her wedding ring could be dealing with marriage issues. The guy glued to his phone screen could be swiping through every dating app out there to try and find a mate. But Marley chose not to deal with any of it. If she didn’t get attached, she couldn’t get hurt. But she could still get laid.

Marley dug through her bag and pulled out her headphones, plugging them into her phone. Might as well enjoy the last of my phone battery. She hit shuffle and smiled at the song that popped up first. She immediately felt herself relax.

Anthony works in the grocery store Savin' his pennies for someday Mama Leone left a note on the door She said, Sonny, move out to the country Workin' too hard can give you a heart attack You oughta know by now Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that what you get with your money? It seems such a waste of time If that's what it's all about Mama if that's movin' up Then I'm movin' out I'm movin' out

She couldn’t help but mime the drum part to one of her favorite songs of all time. She knew people were probably staring. Fuck it, she was enjoying herself. These days music was her only solace. She didn’t have to think about anything. She could just feel. The music could flow through her, bringing her instant relief to whatever was plaguing her mind.

Eventually, the bus pulled up to Marley’s stop. She hopped off, already in a better mood than before. She made the short walk to her building and climbed the stairs two at a time, wanting nothing more than to plant herself in front of her drum set for the next few hours. A cacophony of sounds rang out through the hall; Marley’s building was full of musicians so that no one could complain about the noise. She could make out Leon’s trumpet blaring and clearly hear Brenda rehearsing for whatever musical she’d be auditioning for that week. She finally reached her door at the end of the hall and let herself in, letting out a deep breath as she closed the door behind her.

After a quick shower, Marley scoured her messy room for some clean clothes. She was super behind on laundry, spending most of her time lately behind her home drum kit or behind the one at Sully’s. She threw on an old band tee from her closet and plucked some black jeans off the floor, giving them a sniff and determining they were clean enough.

Marley plopped down at her drum set with a sigh, instant relief flowing through her body. She always felt her most comfortable in that exact spot. She felt in control, like nothing and no one could shake her. As she began to warm up with some quick trills, her mind went clear. She closed her eyes and let the sounds flow through her body.

Then she let loose. She went to town on the drums in front of her, unleashing every feeling and emotion with each beat. She felt power flow through her fingertips and her entire body buzzed. This was home. This was heaven.

After riffing for a few minutes, Marley began to work through the band’s normal setlist, humming the melody to herself as she played. Her body went into auto-pilot, playing the songs as if it was second nature. She then shifted focus to one of the songs they would be playing for the first time that night. It was a little slower in the beginning, but towards the end of the song, she could absolutely lose control.

Marley repeated the new song a few more times before being satisfied. She checked the time and cursed under her breath. She had been practicing longer than she wanted to and now she was barely going to have enough time to grab food before heading to the bar.

Marley tucked her drumsticks into her boot, grabbed her phone and bag, and rushed out the door. After stopping at the deli for a sandwich and a coffee to go, she made her way to the bus stop. As she went to sit down on the bench, suddenly a guy on a bicycle appeared and nearly hit her.

“FUCK!” she shouted, dodging out of the way, spilling some coffee on her t-shirt in the process.

“Sorry!” the guy shouted back at her.

Marley rolled her eyes. Asshole. She dug through her food bag to try to find a napkin to clean herself off but came up empty. She searched her purse, hoping to find a tissue or something. Nothing. As a last resort, she reached into her pants pockets, her fingers closing around something. She pulled it out in confusion. It was indeed a napkin, with something scribbled on it.

Joe (random guy) 555-401-3734

The memory came flooding back to her. Joe. The guy who kept staring at her last week during her set.

Marley smiled at the memory. The guy was kind of cute. She couldn’t help but meet his gaze every once in a while during the set. She had never seen someone watch her perform with as much intensity as he watched her. She felt like he was staring into her soul.

And then when he attempted to flirt with her, she determined he was harmless. He challenged her but didn’t come off as an asshole. She thought about the moment he scribbled his number on the napkin and slid it towards her.

In case you want to banter with me again.

Marley had all but forgotten about the exchange until she rediscovered the cocktail napkin. But she was curious about the guy. It wasn’t every day that a guy casually asked her opinions on Hamlet while drinking in a dive bar. She pulled out her phone, opened a new text, and was just about to enter Joe’s number when the bus pulled up.

And just like that, the thought was gone. She hopped on, using the napkin to dab at the wet spot on her shirt before shoving the napkin into her purse and putting on her headphones.

Twenty minutes later, the bus pulled up to the stop right in front of Sullivan Street. Marley finished scarfing down her sandwich as she pulled the bar door open and headed up the stairs.

Marley spotted Gwil behind the bar with his back turned, completely focused on whatever he was doing. She snuck up to the bar and suddenly slammed both palms on the counter, her usual greeting.

“GWIL!”

“FUCK!” Gwil spun around and threw a hand over his heart. “Marley. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

“Of course not. Who will put up will my bullshit if you keel over and die?” she replied, plopping down on one of the stools.

“Absolutely no one. I barely put up with it myself,” the tall man replied before turning back to his task.

“And that’s why you’re my favorite English bartender.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m the only English bartender you know.”

“You and your logic.”

Gwil turned back to Marley and sighed, shaking his head lovingly. He grabbed two glasses and filled each with beer before handing one to Marley and clinking his own with hers. After taking a sip, he cocked his head to the side, eyeing the woman in front of him.

“Nice hickey,” he commented, nodding towards her. Marley threw her head back with a laugh.

“Thanks for reminding me,” she answered before pulling some concealer and a compact mirror out of her purse.

“Who was the lucky guy this time?” Gwil asked, grabbing a towel to wipe down his station. Marley rolled her eyes. Typical. Gwil was always way too curious about her personal life.

“Some guy from the club last night. Honestly, I don’t even remember his name,” Marley replied as she dabbed concealer on the purple mark.

“Classy,” Gwil countered, taking a sip of his beer. “How did you kick him out?” Marley rolled her eyes.

“Oh please, I never bring guys back to my place.”

“Ah, so you screw them and escape while they’re still asleep. Even classier.”

“Hey, at least I’m not celibate!” Marley challenged, nodding towards the bartender.

“I’m not celibate.”

“Come on, when was the last time you got laid?”

Gwil’s eyes dropped to the floor as he pondered the question. He gave a simple shrug, causing Marley to facepalm.

“You know you could get literally any girl that comes into this bar, right? I mean, look at ya!” Marley gestured towards him. She had always considered Gwil attractive. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about him in that way. But the fact that he was essentially her coworker marked him as a huge no-no.

Gwil blushed at the comment. He paused for a moment before responding.

“Not any girl,” he finally said, looking right into Marley’s eyes. Marley swore she heard a hint of sadness in his voice.

“Eh, fine. But the amount of women who bat their eyelashes at you while you make them drinks tells me you have a rather large selection,” Marley added with a smirk before finishing off her beer and hopping off her stool, leaving Gwil to finish his prep.

As she got settled behind her kit, the other members of Parkway Diner began to trickle in. Tony arrived first, chatting away on the phone with his wife while he started to unpack his bass. Next was the ever quiet Eddie, who greeted the other two with a quick nod before taking his place behind his keyboard and warming up his fingers with some exercises. And finally, Jack, clad in a denim jacket and sunglasses, leisurely strolled in with a cigarette between his lips.

Marley and her bandmates knocked out some quick warmups before rehearsing the two new songs they were adding to the set that night. Soon enough it was time for the doors to open to the public. The members of Parkway Diner each ordered another drink from Gwil and took their normal spot at the high top table closest to the stage. They made idle chit chat as bar patrons slowly filled the upper floor. Marley scanned the room as she always did, scoping out the crowd for a potential mate for after-work mischief. She spotted a few candidates, filing them away for after the band’s first set.

Finally, the time had come for the band’s first set and Marley breathed out a sigh of relief, wanting nothing more than to retreat to her home behind the drum kit. Marley and the boys took to the stage, Jack taking his place at the front microphone.

“In case you’re new here, we’re Parkway Diner. Hope you enjoy,” he said, giving Marley the signal to begin. She started the slow drumbeat of the newest song in the band’s repertoire, the three other members of the band coming in with their own sound before Marley leaned into her mic.

You make me weak, I wanna die Just when you said we'd try Loving, touching, squeezing each other When I'm alone all by myself You're out with someone else Loving, touching, squeezing each other

You're tearing me apart Every, every day You're tearing me apart Oh, what can I say? You're tearing me apart

The lyrics struck a little too close to home to Marley. She felt each word as it left her lips. Memories flooded her vision. She gripped her drumsticks tightly and took out her feelings on the drums in front of her.

It won't be long, yes, 'til you're alone When your lover, oh, he hasn't come home 'Cause he's loving, ooh, he's touching He's squeezing another

He's tearing you apart Ooh, every, every day He's tearing you apart Oh, girl, what can you say? Cause he's loving, touching another Now it's your turn, girl, to cry

Marley began the first set of “nah’s” on her own, her bandmates joining in on the second set. She allowed herself to look out into the crowd, gauging their response to the new addition to the setlist. She smiled as her eyes passed over a mob of already drunken bar-goers, swaying and singing along. Towards the back of the room, a familiar head of auburn hair caught her attention.

No fucking way.

Joe sat at the bar, eyes trained directly on Marley, nodding along to the beat with a beer in hand. She recognized the blonde guy next to him; Gwil’s friend whose name was escaping her. She made direct eye contact with Joe, arching an eyebrow. He raised his glass towards her before taking a sip of it. Marley shifted her focus back to finishing the song. Finally, the last round of “nah’s” rang out a cappella and the song was over.

The crowd cheered and clapped, but Marley couldn’t help but look back over at the two familiar men. The blonde was conversing with Gwil, but Joe still hadn’t broken his gaze on her. She was annoyed with how much this guy was distracting her. He took up her attention last week and here he was distracting her again. She couldn’t figure out what it was. Obviously, she thought he was attractive, but something about him intrigued her even more. She tried to shake it off as the band started the next song.

Throughout the first half of the night, Marley tried as hard as she could to ignore Joe. She tried to lose herself in each song and focus on her performance. The band finished the first half of their set, and Jack announced a quick break. Marley slowly made her way over to the bar, wanting to make sure she didn’t seem too eager to see the man perched on the stool.

Luckily, when she arrived, Joe and the blonde guy had struck up a conversation facing away from her, allowing Marley’s arrival to go unnoticed.

“Gwil?”

“Already got it,” the bartender replied, handing Marley her drink. The sound of her voice made Joe spin around to face her.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Joe commented, offering his glass towards her. Marley clinked her glass with his and took a sip before replying.

“Yeah it’s almost like I work here or something,” she replied with an arched eyebrow. “Why are you here?”

“We finished up exams today and I figured we could use a night out,” Joe countered while gesturing to the blonde next to him, who gave a quick wave. Right, he’s a professor. “Plus I like seventies music and cheap beer.” Marley nodded, narrowing her eyes.

“Fair enough. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t stalking me or something,” she challenged. Joe chuckled.

“Well I never got a text, so I figured I’d try to banter with you again in person. Besides, if I were stalking you, I’d be more subtle about it.”

“Yeah you’re not subtle at all, Joe,” Marley replied, smirking. Joe’s eyes sparkled and he smiled, and Marley couldn’t help but smile back. Damn that smile.

“You remembered my name,” he pointed out. Marley chuckled before taking a sip of her drink.

“Well I may be an asshole, but I’m not that big of an asshole.”

Marley felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to find Jack behind her.

“Band meeting real quick,” he said before disappearing again. Marley turned back to Joe with a sigh.

“Duty calls,” Marley said with a shrug before downing the rest of her drink. “See you around, professor.”

“Hope so.” Joe raised his beer towards her once again with a wink.

Marley pursed her lips and headed towards the rest of the band members, who were crowded around their high-top.

“Alright, what could possibly be so important that we need to have a meeting right now before we finish the set?” Marley asked incredulously, annoyed that she had to cut her conversation with Joe short.

“I don’t think we’re ready to do ‘Scenes.’ Eddie isn’t confident enough,” Jack answered curtly, his arms crossed.

“What the fuck are you talking about? He killed it during practice earlier!” Marley countered, nudging Eddie with her elbow. The quiet man flashed a small smile. “Come on, Jack. Pull the stick out of your ass for one night.”

Jack rolled his eyes at the comment and uncrossed his arms with a sigh.

“Fine, but if it goes poorly, I’m blaming it on you!”

“You always do,” Marley replied, patting him on the shoulder. The group headed towards the stage, sharing an anxious energy. They were premiering a song they had been practicing for weeks, one of the most difficult songs they’ve ever attempted.

Marley found herself excited as she took her usual place behind the drumset. She glanced over at Joe at the bar and suddenly felt a twinge of nerves. What the fuck. Marley never got nervous. But something about Joe made her want to impress him. She worried for a second if Jack was right. What if they weren’t ready to perform the song? What if they were about to make fools of themselves?

Marley was pulled from her stupor by Eddie’s piano melody, signaling the start of the song. She leaned into the mic and sang out the first verse of the iconic song.

A bottle of white, a bottle of red Perhaps a bottle of rose instead We'll get a table near the street In our old familiar place You and I, face to face A bottle of red, a bottle of white It all depends upon your appetite I'll meet you anytime you want In our Italian restaurant

Marley finally came in with a cymbal swell, with the normal sax part substituted by Jack on the guitar. Marley closed her eyes and lost herself in the musical interlude, bobbing her head to Jack’s melody. She sped up her drumming before coming in with the next verse.

Things are okay with me these days Got a good job, got a good office Got a new wife, got a new life, and the family's fine We lost touch long ago You lost weight, I did not know You could ever look so nice after so much time

Do you remember those days hanging out at the village green? Engineer boots, leather jackets, and tight blue jeans Drop a dime in the box play a song about New Orleans Cold beer, hot lights My sweet romantic teenage nights

Marley had forgotten all about Joe. She was completely wrapped up in her own musical world. She jammed with the rest of the band, each member feeling more and more confident as the song progressed. Then it was time for the moment Jack had been worried about. The drums, guitar, and bass cut out and it was just Eddie soloing on the keys. He nailed each riff with perfect precision, and Marley couldn’t help but smile. She felt a strong sense of pride, listening to the band perform her favorite song with such passion and perfection.

Marley and the rest of the band finally entered again, but they were almost completely drowned out by the roaring applause for Eddie’s solo. Marley shook her head lovingly as she began the next verse.

Brenda and Eddie were the popular steadies And the king and the queen of the prom Riding around with the car top down and the radio on Nobody looked any finer Or was more of a hit at the Parkway Diner We never knew we could want more than that out of life Surely Brenda and Eddie would always know how to survive Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

Marley emphasized “Parkway Diner” with a wink, earning a rousing cheer from the audience.

Brenda and Eddie were still going steady in the summer of '75 When they decided the marriage would be at the end of July Everyone said they were crazy Brenda you know you're much too lazy Eddie could never afford to live that kind of life But there we were wavin' Brenda and Eddie goodbye Oh, oh, oh

They got an apartment with deep pile carpets And a couple of paintings from Sears A big waterbed that they bought with the bread They had saved for a couple of years They started to fight when the money got tight They just didn't count on the tears Oh, oh

Marley was in absolute bliss. She sang each note and beat each drum like it was the most important thing she could ever do. The crowd cheered and shouted, with some even singing along. Eddie tore it up on the keyboard as Jack expertly strummed each note of the sax solo on his guitar.

Well they lived for a while in a very nice style But it's always the same in the end They got a divorce as a matter of course And they parted the closest of friends Then the king and the queen went back to the green But you can never go back there again Oh, oh

Brenda and Eddie had had it already by the summer of '75 From the high to the low to the end of the show For the rest of their lives They couldn't go back to the greasers The best they could do was pick up the pieces We always knew they would both find a way to get by That's all I heard about Brenda and Eddie Can't tell you more ‘cause I told you already And here we are wavin' Brenda and Eddie goodbye Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

The song’s tempo slowed again as it neared the final verse. Marley’s heart felt full, knowing that all the hard work they had been putting into practice was paying off. Eddie’s fingers tickled the keys with perfect accuracy, the melody ringing out over the crowded bar. Marley closed her eyes as she sang out the remaining lyrics.

A bottle of red, a bottle of white Whatever kind of mood you're in tonight I'll meet you anytime you want In our Italian Restaurant

As the band played the last musical interlude, Marley felt a stray tear roll down her face. Eddie’s last few notes rang out and the crowd went wild, shouting praise for the band’s performance. All the band members exchanged knowing looks with each other; they had absolutely nailed it.

Marley finally let her gaze drift towards the audience and her eyes centered on Joe, who was on his feet clapping and cheering. She felt a blush across her cheeks and ducked her head in embarrassment. It was not every day a guy made Marley blush.

The rest of the set went by in a blur, the band riding off the high of their successful performance of the new song. By the end of their final song, Marley was emotionally exhausted. She always tended to leave everything on the stage, but this was a new level for her. Her body hummed with pride and excitement as she hopped off the stage. She only knew one thing to be true: she needed a beer.

Marley made her way to the bar, weaving through the drunken bar-goers who showered her with praise and acknowledging them with a nod. She reached the bar to find the stools that Joe and the blonde had been occupying empty.

“Joe’s in the loo and Ben stepped out for a smoke,” Gwil said, grabbing Marley’s attention. She simply nodded and slid onto the other empty barstool. “And for the record, Joe really likes you.” Marley scrunched her face in confusion.

“He barely knows me,” she countered. Gwil set a beer down in front of Marley as if he had read her mind. “And how would you know?”

“Isn’t it obvious? He’s here again!”

“So?”

Gwil pinched the bridge of his nose before responding.

“You’re so fucking aggravating. He clearly likes you and you clearly like him, considering you haven’t told him to fuck off yet,” Gwil pointed out. Marley rolled her eyes. Why did Gwil always have to get involved? “At least take the time to get to know the guy more. And play nice.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Marley asked, crossing her arms. Gwil sighed and ran a hand through his hair as if he was taking the time to choose his words carefully.

“Love,” he began, clearly using the pet name to ease her into whatever harsh thing he was about to say. “You do have a tendency to take your anger towards men from your past out on men in your present,” he said, before turning his attention to a bachelorette party at the other end of the bar. Marley pursed her lips, attempting to come up with a witty comeback, but came up short. She shook her head and scoffed at Gwil’s words. Who the fuck was he to tell her what to do when it came to her personal life? Marley swirled the beer around her glass, annoyed at how quickly Gwil soured her good mood.

“Well don’t you seem chipper?” Joe commented as he sat back down on his barstool. Marley felt immediately calmed by his presence. “Still mad at the world as usual?”

“I am not mad at the world,” Marley responded defensively. “I just tend to be extremely cynical about everything and everyone, that’s all.” Joe chuckled, and Marley felt a sting of pride for her little joke.

“And how did someone so young become such a pessimist already?” he asked. Normally Marley would scoff at the personal question and his jab at her age. But she found herself oddly comfortable with the man beside her.

“Oh you know, the usual. Used and abused. A man done me wrong. And then another one. And then another one,” Marley replied casually, eyes focused on her glass so she could avoid Joe’s stare. “You’d think I would have learned after round one.” Marley snuck a glance at Joe, who’s playful expression had changed to one of concern. “Your pity is unwanted, professor.”

“Sorry. It’s just unfair that you’ve had to deal with all of that. You deserve better,” Joe offered. Marley was thrown by the statement.

“And how would you know what I deserve? You don’t even know me,” she countered, trying to play it off. Joe paused for a moment before smiling.

“Well, I sure would like to.”

Marley turned to meet Joe’s gaze. A warmth came to her cheeks and she finally took a moment to really look at him. His hazel eyes were soft as he searched hers for a response. He had a bit more scruff decorating his jaw than the week before. Marley looked down at her lap in embarrassment. She hated that this guy was making her feel this way; almost giddy. She felt butterflies in her stomach, and she internally chastised herself. Get a grip.

“So theatre, huh?” Marley asked, eager to change the subject to something other than herself. Joe chuckled, seeing right through her attempt, but obliging anyway.

“Yeah, it’s just something I’ve always enjoyed. Nothing quite like performing in front of a live audience. I’m sure you can understand that,” he offered. Marley simply nodded, so Joe continued. “And I just love telling stories. Plus now I get to share my passion with students and get paid for it.”

“Sounds like a pretty good gig.”

“It is.” He paused and took a sip of his beer. “What about you? How does one become the lead singer slash drummer of a seventies cover band?” There it was. Another question about herself. Marley instinctively hesitated, trying to come up with a clever retort. But nothing came.

“Music is the only thing that has ever made sense to me. And I had the privilege of being properly educated on the classics when I was a kid.” Marley stopped for a moment before sighing. “They really don’t make musicians like they used to. Or songs for that matter.” Marley took a sip of her drink, shaking her head. She glanced at Joe, who was eyeing her with an intense gaze. Marley raised her eyebrow, daring the man in front of her to reveal what he was thinking.

“You’re a pretty fascinating person, Marley,” Joe finally blurted out. Marley nearly spat out her drink laughing.

“I am?” she questioned, entertained by Joe’s statement. Marley had been called lots of things over the years, but ‘fascinating’ was not one of them. She worked, she ate, she slept, and rarely did anything else. What about that could be fascinating?

“Yeah. I mean I can see it when you’re up there. You have so much passion and love for music. You lose yourself in every performance and it’s almost addicting to watch.” Marley found herself staring dumbfounded at the man as he spoke. “And then you get off that stage and you put up this wall. Life and everyone in it become an inconvenience. It’s...beautifully tragic.”

Marley knew she should be offended by his words. In fact, she should probably slap him. Who the fuck was he to analyze her like that? But instead, she found herself smiling.

“I mean, that’s life, isn’t it? Beautifully tragic,” she replied with a shrug.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Joe argued.

“What do you mean?” Marley asked almost incredulously.

“I mean if you find something you love to do and you surround yourself with people who love you, I think life can be beautiful, period. Without the tragedy.”

Marley smiled and sighed at his words, fighting back the urge to roll her eyes. She almost admired his naivety. She wished she could see the world through his eyes. She even felt a pang of jealousy; he obviously had never been hurt as she had been.

“If only it were that easy.”

An awkward silence followed. Marley knew it was her fault. Maybe she’d done it on purpose. Easier than opening up to him even more. Marley downed the rest of her beer. After a few moments, the man finally spoke up again.

“Can I take you to dinner sometime?”

Marley instinctively cringed at the question, her heart thumping out of her chest. She hoped he hadn’t noticed the movement, but when she met his gaze again, there was a look of defeat on his face, as if he already knew the answer.

The impulsive side of her wanted to say yes, to say “fuck it” and throw caution to the wind. She wanted to pretend that the world was good and that everything would work out in the end.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Marley finally answered.

“Why not?” Joe asked, a bit of hurt in his voice. Marley turned herself to face the man, hoping to let him down easy. As cliche as it was, it wasn’t him. It was all her.

“Because I know how this song goes, Joe,” Marley said with an exasperated sigh. “In your head, I’m this manic pixie dream girl who’s ‘not like the others.’ But then you get to know me, and you find out that I’m uninteresting as fuck and emotionally unavailable, and you get bored and I come home to you and stick-thin blonde in our bed.”

Joe’s jaw dropped and his brows furrowed in concern.

“Marley, I--”

“It’s okay, Joe. Like I said, I don’t need your pity,” Marley rambled, the words flying out of her in a panic. “I’m a big girl, I’ll be fine. We can be friends. I like you too much to date you.” She was on a roll, not letting Joe get a word in. She needed to escape before Joe said something charming that would cause her to give in and change her mind. She slid off her barstool and started to walk away.

“Wait--”

“I’ll see you around, Joe,” Marley called out behind her before heading through the door next to the stage, leaving a dumbfounded Joe behind. She closed the door behind her and threw on the light in the storage-room-turned-band-lounge. She sank onto the small couch that was shoved into the corner and finally let out the breath she had been holding.

Marley tried not to picture the upset look on Joe’s face as she had walked away from him. She ran her hands through her hair, stressed at the situation she found herself in.

She wasn’t lying, she did like Joe. He was charming, funny, and definitely easy on the eyes. He wasn’t an asshole, which was a refreshing change of pace. He challenged her, and she could tell just with the few interactions they’d had that she would get along well with him. But Marley had learned that if she wanted to keep people around, she needed to keep them at a bit of a distance. Gwil was a prime example of that. Marley had wanted to jump his bones when she first met him. But as she got to know him, she realized that he was a great guy and that hooking up with him or starting a relationship was the wrong move. She just didn’t want to lose any more people.

Marley threw herself face down on the couch with a groan, replaying the night’s events in her head. A knock on the door shook her from her stupor.

“Mar? It’s just me,” Gwil timidly spoke on the other side of the door. “Can I come in?” Marley groaned again in response. “I’m taking that as a yes.”

Gwil gently opened the door and peeked in. Marley barely moved a muscle. She knew exactly why he was there. There was no doubt he had overheard the exchange between her and Joe.

“Mar.”

“What?” Marley’s voice was muffled by the couch cushion.

“Stop being a pain in the ass for like one second so I can talk to you.”

With another groan, Marley shifted to sit up, allowing Gwil to squeeze in next to her.

“I know you don’t want to hear it right now, but I think you’re being dumb about this Joe thing,” Gwil revealed. Marley rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. Classic Gwil.

“Gwil--”

“Shut up and let me finish. I can tell you like him. He obviously likes you. You’re just scared,” he continued. Marley glared at the bartender. She didn’t want to have this conversation. She always hated when Gwil got preachy with her.

“I’m just being realistic. We’d be better as friends,” Marley replied curtly. “I don’t need your meddling, Gwilym.” Marley grabbed her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. “I’ll see you next week.” She squeezed her way past Gwil and pushed the door open.

“I just think you’re cutting yourself off from something good!” Gwil shouted after her, but Marley didn’t stop. She made her way through the bar, down the stairs, and out the door into the heat of the summer.

-

Taglist: @hellysthings, @queenspur, @briarrose26

[the-zodiacs-written-in-the-stars]

Chapter 18: Angelique Lamour

You make a beautiful mermaid, you know.”

“What do you want, Tony? You only give out free compliments when you want something.”

Angel smiled into her mirror at the image of Tony standing behind her. The heterochromic model ran a hand through his hair and pouted at her. He was looking pretty good himself as a merman, with the various shades of purple adoring his torso and face, patterns of scales making him look completely different. Continuing to smile, Angel fixed her hair a bit. Most of them had been finished with make-up, but the shoot couldn't start without the star; Poseidon. So they were all currently waiting for the finishing touches on today's center-piece.

“I was hoping you had some hot guy you could set me up with”, sighed Tony.

“...Are you serious?”, asked Angel surprised and turned around in her chair. “You?”

Tony huffed and crossed his arms. “Look. I'm aware I'm an absolute catch and I have no problems batting my eyelashes at a guy and make him buy me a yacht. But that's all so... superficial.”

Heaving a dramatic sigh, Tony sat down on Angel's vanity, pouting at her. “Kit's been talking all about the cutesy little dates that Joss has been having with that hot lady doctor Laureen set them up with. So, I figured, maybe stop seducing rich guys who just want sex, maybe ask a good friend to set me up with someone they think is a good match. Congrats, you're the friend I chose because Kit is too much of a lesbian to even acknowledge that men could be dating material for others, she just wiggled her nose at me and glared in a very disturbed way. So. Set me up with a guy.”

Angel smiled at that and perked up a little. Tony was right, Joss had been happier in the past two weeks than Angel had seen them in a long time. Maybe if finding a date yourself isn't working, trusting a good friend can work. She was more than happy to help. Just to deflate a little.

“I... don't exactly know a lot of gay guys. Or, you know, guys on the gay-spectrum. Uhm. Would you say that like that? Like, bisexual and pansexual men”, elaborated Angel before pausing. “Actually no never mind I just had an absolute genius idea! Oh!”

She suddenly jumped up in excitement and got her phone out. Tony raised a suspicious eyebrow.

“Do not make me regret this, Lamour!”, warned Tony seriously.

Angel just giggled delighted while texting before holding up her phone and taking a picture of Tony. Look at that pretty face. Fancy a date with him? 28, professional model, hobby baker and artist at heart. He's a cutie! And you've been a sulking single for OVER a year now!!!

“Just you wait”, chimed Angel and pulled up a picture. “Look at this. Would want to date him?”

Tony made a drawn-out humming sound. “Cute. Freckles. Bit of a kitten-vibe and I'm more of a puppy-person. But sure. Nice to look at. Seems... familiar somehow.”

“He's my ex. Jamie, the pub-owner”, offered Angel, tilting her head.

“Mh. Business-owner”, whispered Tony. “Nice. Okay, sure. If he's on board, set us up for a date.”

Angel made a delighted noise at that, before someone cleared their throat next to them. Both models turned to look at Noxia Black. The photographer looked incredibly unimpressed, a glare on her face as she tapped her fingers against the side of her camera.

“If you two are done playing dating app, you're at work here”, grunted Noxia annoyed.

“Sorry, boss lady”, grinned Tony and Angel sheepishly.

“I'm not the boss lady. She is”, stated Noxia and jerked her head toward Sonia Gold.

It wasn't necessarily regular for Sonia to sit in on a shooting herself. Tony and Angel exchanged a curious look. Granted, this was a huge shoot for this campaign. Poseidon had first been presented as a competitive swimmer, showing off the swim-suit line-up together with other such sea deities. After the first big ads had been aired and plastered all over the streets, showing the athletic Olympic gods in Chiron Training gear, they now wanted to broaden the campaign and double down on the mythology. Poseidon presenting a gold-medal to an actual Olympic gold-medal winner, with the other models who played the Olympian gods dressed as mermaids and mermen surrounding them as bystanders. Angel absolutely loved the pitch for this one – and the costumes!

“Don't be bothered by the boss”, assured Sonia with one of her charming smiles.

Sonia Gold fascinated Angel. She was downright perfect. Always perfectly dressed, with no wrinkles on her clothes, not a hair out of place, make-up, shoes and jewelry always fitting the outfit. She was the perfect image of a business woman the way Angel had always pictured them.

“What can we do for you, Miss Gold?”, asked Tony, his smile matching hers.

He looked amazing with the silk wrapped around his lower body, his upper body painted purple and with scales. The only thing missing about his outfit so far were the contact lenses meant to make him look like a predator. Angel understood that; she hadn't put hers in yet. They always irritated her eyes so she'd rather wait until they were necessary.

“When I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking about the shoot and a piece of my private jewelry caught my eyes. I thought that it would work wonders with the costume-design for you, Angelique”, explained Sonia and opened her purse.

She got a black box out and opened it to show a breathtaking pearl-necklace to Angel. It was a three-strand necklace with pearls of various white and blue shades and different sizes. The biggest pearl at the front of the upper strand looked as though it had an H on it. How curious.

“This looks beautiful and expensive”, noted Angel softly.

“Oh, believe me, it is”, laughed Sonia. “You truly think I own a single piece of jewelry worth less than 50k? Sweetheart, please. I couldn't embarrass myself like this.”

“So when you say that, just... how much is this one?”, asked Tony slowly, motioning at the pearls.

“250k”, replied Sonia with a smooth smile. “So try not to lose it and return it to me later.”

“W... What? I can't wear this”, sputtered Angel flustered. “Sonia, please.”

“Oh, nonsense. I have over half a dozen pearl-necklaces”, dismissed Sonia casually. “I saw the design-pitch from Elizabeth and knew something... eye-catching was missing. This, this will do. I want this campaign to be perfect. Now, back to work, people.”

“You heard the boss lady. Back to work”, repeated Noxia louder. “Let's get this shoot started.”

~*~

Angel had a skip to her step as she walked the halls of Gold Standard, heading toward her best friend's desk. Joss looked deep in thought, hunched over their laptop. For Angel, who had come to the US from France, it had been strange to talk about a single person with plural pronouns because they were gender-neutral. That just did not naturally exist in the French language in the way English offered 'they' and ever since meeting Joss, Angel had come to appreciate this special thing about the English language. Because while Joss mostly preferred either 'she' or 'he', Angel was not a mind-reader and when not with Joss – which was generally the main instances when one used pronouns for people – Angel couldn't always know what pronouns Joss preferred that day, unless she had talked to Joss that day beforehand. Angel had voiced that confusion to Joss after the two had first become friends and Joss had encouraged her to use neutral pronouns then. Most working close with Joss knew and respected that. And some days, particularly when Joss was already stressed and telling people what they preferred was just too much work and too exhausting on top of everything, Joss just generally went with 'they'.

“Yo—ou look like you could use a cupcake.”

Smiling, Angel placed a cupcake with blue frosting in front of Joss. Blinking a few times, Joss looked up at her. After taking a bite from the cupcake, Joss offered Angel a small smile.

“Thanks”, mumbled Joss around the bite. “Sugar and food was exactly what I needed.”

“Wonderful. So that will make it easier to get details about your date”, stated Angel eagerly.

“Oh no. No. Don't”, groaned Joss. “Why are you so invested in my love-life?”

“Call me Amor, I seek love-stories”, chimed Angel. “Come on, please. You've been so busy lately, you and Sunny must be going on a ton of dates, right?”

Joss shifted a little and cleared their throat. “It was... very nice. Unexpected, to be honest. I've never been to a charity gala before. Gave me an excuse to wear that fancy cocktail dress you gave me for my last birthday. Savitri was... flustered and gaping at me. It was... a nice feeling?”

Angel giggled a little at that and sat down on the edge of the desk. “I like this new thing you have going on. With the smiling and the staring at your phone with a far-off look when she texts you.”

“Shut up”, grumbled Joss and tossed a piece of cupcake at Angel. “Did you just come here to torment me and interrogate me, or did you want something else...?”

“Yes, I wanted to go get lunch with you. And before that, I wanted to drop these off with Sonia again. They're... hers. She gave them to me for the last shoot.”

Her fingers played with the pearls. Joss narrowed their eyes at Angel. Some days, Joss presented as very feminine – with the hair, make-up, heels and wearing a skirt-suit. Angel had come to realize that the most strict of dress-code, pants and vest, when Joss would also be binding and usually had the hair up in a bun, usually meant that Joss was presenting as a guy that day. Angel, as a model, knew that clothes by far weren't everything. And then there were the more ambiguous days, or the days where even though Joss was feeling female, she still had no mind/focus/time to put thought into make-up or hair, so it was tricky to judge based on looks alone. Angel had to admit, it had fascinated her a lot at first – when she had come to Los Angeles, she had just been nineteen and only had a vague understanding of trans people existing, but a broader spectrum? She had tiptoed a lot and probably asked many inappropriate questions, but Joss had been very indulgent and patient. Which, Angel now knew, was really not something Joss had owed her and, the more often Angel saw it, saw people who did not understand anything about Joss' gender-identity, the more Angel understood just why. It really couldn't be Joss' responsibility to explain everything to everyone. Moments like those had Angel realize just how easy her life was, being CIS and also being straight. Well, the whole being pretty, white and from a well-doing European country also helped.

“Sonia is out on a lunch-meeting with Carroll Lewis”, informed Joss.

“Carroll Lewis? Like the CEO of Red Queen Records?”, asked Angel in awe. “Oh. I mean, I know they work together on many occasions, but... oh, basically all my favorite musicians are under that label. She has such a keen eye for talent, it's amazing.”

“Mh”, grunted Joss with that furrow-browed look.

“What? What is it?”, asked Angel curiously as the two of them left Joss' desk behind.

Joss led the way to the elevator. “I... have a bad feeling about her. Something about Miss Lewis is... peculiar. And not in the quirky, adorable way you are peculiar.”

“Hey”, huffed Angel with a pout. “I think I may take offense to that.”

Joss quirked their lips as they entered the elevator to make their way to get lunch.

~*~

They barely made it into Liddell's Sweets, by pushing past panicking people. Angel gulped and felt herself immediately pushed behind Joss. She stared wide-eyed over Joss' shoulder just to see the chaos. Costumers, turned to stone. Statues now. Behind the counter, a purple-skinned, scaled version of Laureen Liddell, hissing – no, her hair. Her hair was hissing. Her dreadlocks having come to life and turned into dozens of snakes. Angel squeaked high-pitched.

“What is that?”, exclaimed Angel.

“You need to get out of here”, ordered Joss seriously. “Now.”

“Oh, I am not leaving without you!”, stated Angel sternly, grabbing Joss' wrist.

Joss tried to wrangle out of her grip, but for someone as petite and dainty as Angel, the model really had an iron-grip when it came to protecting those she loved. Only around the corner did Joss manage to shake Angel off, but the blonde still stood close, glaring fiercely.

“What were you planning?”, hissed Angel. “You're my best friend, I won't have you throw your life away trying to save people when you are clearly not qualified! The police, or the local superheroes, are going to take care of this, I'm sure.”

Joss' lips thinned and their face hardened. “Angelique, this is not the time for arguments, this-”

Before Joss could continue with the preaching, a bright blue glow emitted from the pearl-necklace. Moments later and there was a... fish... floating right in front of Angel's face, bubbles – no, that was actual water but it looked like bubbles – floating along with the fish.

“Hello, I am Pisces. Please cease the quarreling, it is unproductive. That in there is Como Berenices, a powerful constellation under the element of fire. Her stare can burn the life away from a person. I am water personified. Pisces, leader of the water-signs. Best equipped to fight them.”

“I... I... The fish is talking. The fish is talking, Joss”, hissed Angel.

“So... Pisces has been laying around at Sonia's place unused”, whispered Joss wide-eyed. “Of course, she is not born under your sign so even if she found the pearl and thought it pretty, it was useless for her because the Zodiacs can only attach themselves to someone born under their sign.”

“What are you talking about? Zodiacs, like the superheroes?”, asked Angel surprised.

“But... You said that Sonia gave you the necklace? You, specifically?”, asked Joss, looking at Angel.

“Hello? Can we please focus on Coma Berenices in there?”, requested Pisces, flapping her fins.

“Yes, Sonia gave them to me, but... So, am I a superhero now?”

Angel looked from Joss to Pisces, completely overwhelmed. The little fish nodded and smiled.

“Close your eyes and concentrate on your costume and a weapon of your choice”, instructed Pisces.

Nodding, Angel did as she was told. She made a delighted sound when she opened her eyes again and turned to look into the window-front of the long-since abandoned store next to them. Most businesses around had already been evacuated thanks to the villain-attack on the café. She was wearing a strong, if her wishes had been fulfilled bullet-proof, shirt with frills running out looking like scales, her waistline highlighted like she remembered seeing mermaids in cartoons, the skirt light and wide enough to allow for good leg-movement. Her shoes were sturdy boots matching her shirt and her mask in color. Light blue, nearly cyan. Her lips were a darker shade of blue, matching the shells woven into her long, blonde hair. A braid was far more practical for fighting. And in her hand, she was holding a trident as long as she was tall.

“You look ridiculous”, whispered Joss softly. “How does a professional model have zero taste in fashion, I just... don't understand that...”

“How is that the reaction you have to me becoming a superhero and just... sparkle-changing into a new outfit! There is a flying, talking fish right there!”, exclaimed Angel frustrated.

Joss looked at her fondly before rubbing their cuff-links. A blinding, white light surrounded Joss and when it faded, they were wearing a gray cloak over a black and white checkered outfit. On their shoulder sat a black and white owl. But not like a snow-owl black and white, no one half was entirely black and, split in the middle, the other half was white. How... huh.

“This is Gemini, my partner. I've been... working in the shadows until I joined the Zodiac alliance recently”, elaborated Joss with a sigh. “Pisces. You sure it's a good idea to send Angel in there? She hasn't had a day's worth of training, not with her powers or her weapon.”

“Oh, please, dear”, huffed Angel offended, whirling her trident once. “You think I'd cook up a weapon I can't use at least some? I've learned to fight with a staff and I've actually fought with lances before, on horses, when I was working the medieval fair during high school. This? Can't be that much harder. Same principle, just got three points instead of one.”

“The important thing is: You need to concentrate. Your focus is your main weapon. If you focus, you can control water”, stated Pisces seriously. “How much and how far your reach is, that depends on just how well your grip on your concentration is.”

Angel locked eyes with Joss and nodded firmly. Together, the duo ran out from the alley and right into Liddell's Sweets. Joss immediately reached out to cover Angel's eyes. Right. Looked like Medusa, had the powers of Medusa, probably. When Joss removed their hand again, everything around them was foggy. They could vaguely make out shapes, but such a thing as actual eye-contact was impossible. Angel turned to look surprised at her best friend.

“Gemini is under the element of air. I learned to... work with that”, whispered Joss. “Make the air thinner, warmer, colder, thicker. Fog... is pretty easy. But now we have to stay alert.”

“Okay. So. What is this? I mean, this... thing... is... possessing Laureen?”, asked Angel confused.

“Sort of. Your power, your costume, your weapon, they come from a symbiotic bond with Pisces. This is... a more parasitic kind of bond”, replied Joss quickly. “We need to wash it out. In my experience, knocking them out severs the bond. An unconscious body can't be used. When they part, we have to collect the... pearl. Contain it. Got it?”

“Exhaust, wash out, take the jewelry. Simple enough”, nodded Angel seriously.

The hissing of snakes was the only warning before teeth sank into Angel's arm. She screamed and tore her arm away from the vicious Medusa-like monster that used to be this kind, sweet baker.

“If we hurt it, do we hurt her?”, asked Angel panicked.

“It... depends”, sighed Joss. “I don't know for this one. Some are capable of protecting their host.”

Angel stumbled over a petrified customer on the ground. Were they dead? Would they turn back? No time to think on that. Her head snapped up and she zoomed in on the bar.

“Okay. Okay. Okay. Can you distract her?”, asked Angel. “Buy me some time.”

“Sure. Be... careful, Pisces”, requested Joss concerned.

Joss kept their head down as they started fighting hand to hand against the alien symbiote in front of them. Angel hurried over to the bar, turning on the faucet, using everything she could find that was liquid – coffee, tea, even the water from the flower-vases on the table. Closing her eyes, she lifted all the water and aimed it at Laureen-not-Laureen. The snakes screeched as Angel surrounded them in a cocoon of water, causing Joss to immediately back off.

“Pisces. What are you doing?”, asked Joss loudly.

“You said passing out makes them part. So I make her pass out without hurting her. Well. Without hurting her too much. She just has to lose conscience. So. Shut up, because I don't wanna drown her and have to concentrate over here”, barked Angel out.

Joss looked honestly taken aback by that, but remained quiet after. Coma Berenices struggled, until she didn't and her form floating in the pillar of water became limb. A purple light faded from her and left Laureen, snakes turned back to limb dreadlocks. Angel immediately dropped the water, while Joss hurried over to give CPR. When Laureen was spitting water all over, Angel picked up the small marble. Purple and glassy. She blinked curiously and pocketed it.

“What... happened?”, asked Laureen, voice raspy.

“Nothing to worry about. You are safe now, random citizen”, assured Angel.

Joss raised an eyebrow at that, though they then urged Angel on to leave the café behind while the petrified customers slowly turned back human. The two made it around the corner before turning back to their civil identity. Angel handed the marble over to Joss.

“I'll take care of this”, nodded Joss, frowning. “But there are other things that worry me more. Sonia had a Zodiac, just like that. And then knew to give it to someone born under that sign. Then she happens to be out for lunch so you can't give a three-hundred thousand dollar necklace back.”

“You're... not suggesting that Sonia Gold is... involved with this, right?”, asked Angel worried.

With a head-shake, Joss sighed. “Come on. Let's go get lunch, Angel.”

Read here on AO3!

Previous Chapter <- || Masterpost || -> Next Chapter

[definealetheia]

Note to self when I feel like I'm going insane (unfinished)

STOP OVERTHINKING!

Sit back, relax, and take deep breaths.

Listen to chakra tune up meditation music. Unblock your chakras and let the energy flow through your body.

Don't intentionally block your heart chakra. Stop suppressing your feelings, whether it is good or bad. You have to deal with them and heal your wounds. The more you suppress your feelings, the longer your agony will get.

Do you still have doubts about the connection?

Remember that you have already let go of the label Twin Flame. The question whether he is your Divine Masculine or not is not important anymore. The Universe may or may not give you the answer after all. BUT you can honor what you feel is true. You love him. This is your truth. You don't need the Universe to tell you that.

It is okay to doubt the connection sometimes. It is normal to experience doubts and fears in this journey. It is scary and full of uncertainties.

I don't get why other twins refer to someone they meet as "catalyst" who will activate your awakening and you believed as your twin but ended up as otherwise. Same logic goes for false twin. I don't get it. I don't think there is a false twin or a catalyst. That person is either your twin or not. Why would you need a catalyst to activate you? Your twin can do that himself. It doesn't make sense to me. People who started their spiritual journey even before they met their twin were awakened due to several possible reasons. May be because of traumatic experiences or they come from a spiritual background. As for those who were not awakened until they met their twin, I don't understand why the person who activated them ends up only as a catalyst. What for? You will only recognize that person as a catalyst once you meet your true twin. And then it would be like you're restarting your twin flame journey with your true twin! Wth.

Remember the reasons and synchonicities that lead you to believe he is your twin.

He activated my spiritual awakening.

It was August 29, 2018. I met my twin online right after I graduated from grad school. I finished another milestone in my life. I finished a job contact and ready to start a new life. I was optimistic about the future. I've been single for years and thought it would be nice a start a new one. But I didn't want to start a relationship just for the heck of it. I wanted to find the one. I've been saying this to the Universe for a quite some time. I might have manifested it when I met your twin without knowing it.

I've been suffering from MDD and GAD for years. I was in medication and went in and out of hospitals after every suicide attempt. For a long time I was suffering from an existential crisis. I did not know who I am or why I am alive. I did not have dreams of my own and was just living to fulfill the expectations of my family and society. I did not have any goals nor did I have reasons or motivations to pursue anything except meeting others' expectations of me. I needed to finish school and establish a good career, help my parents, and then have my own family. As good as those things were, I did not have the right motivation to do that.

I have always felt I don't belong anywhere. I was bullied in school and even at work. It made my depression even worse. Everywhere I go, terrible things always end up happening. I always felt uncomfortable, unsafe, and being wronged by people. I felt unlucky and miserable all the time. Everytime I try to turn my life around and gain a little hope, terrible things happen and that little hope I had get taken away from me.

I was never religious nor spiritual. Having a master's degree in Philosophy, I have an extensive experience on critical thinking and being skeptical. I don't label myself as agnostic. In fact, when it comes to my spirituality, I refrained from associating myself from any religious group or any spiritual belief. However, during one Philosophy class where we talked about religion where some of my classmates studied in Catholic seminaries, I remember sharing that I don't believe in (Christian conception) God but I do believe that there is someone or something, maybe it be metaphysical, divine, or a force that governs everything in the Universe.

I have always had the affinity to look at the sunset and the night sky. I has been part of my routine. My childhood dream was to became an astronaut or astronomer. But life happened. Part of my routine was talking to the Universe while watching the night sky. Whenever I feel suicidal I always tell them that I don't belong down here. I want to be among the stars. That's where I feel I belong, not here. I talk to the stars as often as I can. They saw me cry and all. They let me know they are listening by showing me shooting stars. I even saw asteroid Juno and other comets during one of my nightly routine. It always feels magical when they show me how beautiful the Universe is.

Recognizing the soul connection

I have been interested in Japanese culture and martial arts. I've been practicing a japanese sword martial arts since January 2017. Since I wanted to learn the language, I installed a language exchange application on my phone and that's where I met him. To be honest, I was open to the thought of possibly meeting someone online but I did not realize that I would actually meet someone like him. I met men who were more interested in flirting with me than learning another language. That's very common online. But I was not interested in them but when I met my twin, I did not know that from then on, my life will turn bat shit crazy. I was just following ramdom people on the app but I also made sure they did not look sketchy or suspicious. He followed me back. He suddenly commented on a picture I posted of me and my cat and then he sent me a private message. My first impression of him is he was very flirty and straithforward with giving compliments, unlike most Japanese I talked to who were polite and unsure of themselves. When I looked at his picture, I immediately felt something different about him especially when I looked at his eyes. But I couldn't put my finger on it. I never felt anything like it before. I felt like I knew him. There was a sense of familiarity and comfortabilitily. We started talking on Line, sent audio messages, and even talked on video call for hours. He send messages when he wakes up, goes to work, while working, coming home, and before sleeping. It like was a honeymoon phase of a relationship. I told myself it was too good to be true.

I needed to know more about him so I asked him if he was single. He wasn't. I felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown at me. He was still flirty and acting like there's more to us than acquaintances. But because of that reality check, I kept asking myself where I stand. Sometimes he treats me like a girlfriend all then all of a sudden he acts like a stranger. When the conversation gets hot and he becomes more flirty than normal that's where I remind him that he has a gf and I don't want to be in a third party. He told me they haven't talked for a while and he felt lost. I felt worse. I felt like he was just bored and wants to use me to fill in the void. Since I knew I was falling inlove, I made it clear to him that if he wants to continue talking to me like we are in a relationship, then I want to be only one. There should be no other woman. He couldn't give me an answer. He always dodged the question to the point that I get frustrated and just drop it. Add the language barrier to the mix. During one of our arguments, I kept asking him how he really felt about me and his answer was that he wanted to meet. I did not expect that answer. Even if I agreed to that, I reminded him that he has gf and he just told me they hadn't talked.

When he came back to Japan from one of work trips, that's when things went downhill. He used to give me updates on where he was or what he doings but that time I did tell me he already came back. His messages became short. Sometimes just one word. It's obvious he didn't want to be bothered or he just didn't want to talk to me. There were even sarcastic messages. It was my cue to leave him be.

We stared with talking to each other all day everyday until it became more and more seldom. There were days when he wouldn't talk. Then a sudden message after days of silence. I did not chase him or beg him to talk to me. But I once told him how I sad was that he changed. I was crying a lot. My heart got broken so many times. October 2018 came and after over a month of the honeymoon phase, he finally ghosted me.

Kundalini awakening and rising

I became more and more depressed and desperate for answers. I kept asking the Universe: Why did this happen? What was the point? I closed myself off for years and stopped dating after experiencing traumatic relationships. Right when I finally decided to take a risk, open my heart, and love again, this happened to me? I did not understand the point of it all. Letting another person in and then he just breaks my heart? This was the last chance I gave myself to love and this shit happened. Before I met him, I told myself that if I ever meet someone and fall in love, it will be the last time. I want to me the one. I am tired of being hurt so many times.

I was so confused. I was hurt, angry, and frustrated. Wanting to find the answers, I started watching tarot readings on Youtube. I never believed in Astrology. I was too skeptical for that. But I watched hundreds of readings out of desperation to find the answers. I got mixed result on the readings. There were times that the readings resonated so much that my mind was blown so many times. But there were others that just made me more confused and paranoid. The best takeaway from those readings is that divine timing is at work. I have to trust in the Universe and give them space to work things out. I can't force things to happen. The only thing I can do is set healthy boundaries and don't let anyone treat me like a doormat.

I spent the next few weeks just watching readings, crying at night, and trying to cope with the pain. The readings said that there will be communication and it did happen. By the time happened, I literally said "this shit is real." I was surprised that he messaged me and asked how I was. But after the inital shock, I was overcome by anger and hurt. He wanted communication just when I was starting to gain balance and not think of him that much. I was torn between telling him off and just accept that he is back. I replied 2-3 days later telling him I'm doing good.

The communication started again but I was seldom. He called me on 11/11 but I couldn't answer. He just randomly sends a message after a few days of silence and or calls all of a sudden and then disappear again. So flakey! I got fed up and set my foot down. I asked him why he wants call or talk to me. He said he always wanted to call and enjoys being with me. I called out his BS. I reminded him that he stopped talking to me. He can't just come in and out of life as he pleases. He should stop playing mind games with me. He just said to me "Oh don't say that 😭." I told him I deserve an explanation and tell me why he disappeared. He said he did not disappear. I told him it hurts me that he's not being honest with me. He said he was being honest. See the pattern here? I asked him again what happened and he just answered "I don't remember." That was it. I told him I'm a very patient person (I'm a fucking Taurus okay) but he pushed me too far. I won't ask anymore. It's obvious he didn't wanna answer. I'm done.

I was livid. I'm done dealing with a player and emotionally unvailable jackass. That's the start of our separation. It was 11/12.

I spent the rest of November dealing with rollercoaster of emotions. One moment I'm angry, and them I'm in pain, and then lonely ect. It was a torture. There were times when I went into relapse. I thought I have officially gone insane. I just wanted to die.

The first time I came across the term twin flame was through watching tarot readings. I never heard of the time before even when I met my twin. I wasn't interested in learning more about it at first. All I know was that it was different from soulmates and it was rare. I have never thought of myself as special (just different) so I did not think I needed to know about it. But curiosity got the better of me and finally decided to do some research. Lo and behold, I resonated with most of the signs that were listed. The things that happened to me made more sense now. But that was not enough to convince me.

More and more meditation music started appearing on my youtube suggestions. It was December when I finally decided to try a guided meditation. It's my first entry. I felt the urge to do it more and more often until I came across a meditation to awaken my spirit. Before this entire journey I would never think of trying it but since I have been activated, might as well continue on improving myself. I played the music when looking at the sunset. When I came to opening the third eye, I started seeing particles in mid air. They look specks of light or little transparent bubbles floating around. As weeks went by I seem them clearer. I don't even have to concentrate or be in meditative state to see them. I see another invisible layer in my environment as well. I see rain or drizzle even if it's not really raining. I also see "rain" and particles even indoors now. As long as there is light. I tune up my chakra almost everyday. I don't feel right when I don't meditate in a few days.

10/13/2019 ~ 2:41 PM (this has been saved in my Drafts since Jan/Feb -- I'm not sure anymore)

[tae-tae-drives-me-kray]

Storytime- The Tale of Mcthirst

I don’t know if you guys ever heard of this app called hello talk (its an app used to connect with people around the world who are looking for exchange lang.) but a year or so ago I downloaded it because I wanted to find a Korean language exchange partner in my town that could meet with me and we could talk and help each other learn better I suppose. Well, I go and search for my city and the only person to show up was this guy. For the sake of this story, we will call him Mcthirst. I was kind of reluctant but I sent him a message asking if we could link up to study. It took him like a few days to reply but He agreed and asked me for my facebook stating that the app didn’t really work for him. so I gave it to him because I knew that the app could be a little glitchy. I didn’t think much of it and that was my very first mistake.

He sends me the friend request on facebook, I was getting ready for bed but i accepted it and just throughout the night my phone was just going off. I was getting notifications that he was liking everything on my page. Pictures, Post, tags anything that was on my page he liked it. I thought it was weird but again against my better judgment I let it go.

the next day he sends me a Facebook message asking if I would be free Saturday. he wanted to meet at the Starbucks near his house to study. I said yes and we set the time. Saturday comes and I have my friend, Who is a guy, with me. When we arrive he is already at the table and my friend goes off to order. We sit and talk for a few and then we began. The lesson lasted for about 45 to 50 minutes and he says that he has to leave. We set up a time to meet again and part ways.

Now from here on is when the fuckery began.

It was about a week after our first meeting when I got a FB message from him… there is an ongoing debate with my friends about whether or not this is the official dm slide in. I don’t think so but my friend disagrees with me. you guys can be the judge of this…. But anyway the message kind of was him inquiring about me and my friend. If we were dating and if just random questions. I told him that I wasn’t seeing anyone and that I was single. He read the message but didn’t respond and I mean I didn’t think much of it. that weekend he canceled or study session so I made plans to see my friends.

That night I am feeling myself. normally I am at a 50%- 60% but that night I was 100% FEELING MYSELF… My hair is done and my makeup was just bomb and I am on snap chat like “ WHAT’S GOOD PEASANTS.”. I get a notification that he added me on snap so I approve it not thinking much of it and I am taking shots with friends just pregaming and having a blast. That’s when it happened I saw that little ghost notification so I decided to open it but if I had KNOWN THE FOOLISHNESS that awaited me I would have ignored it.

Y'all this man…..sent me a picture of just his face and it looked like his face was wet like he took a picture with the flash on and it lit up his face… and he had this weird look on his greasy ass face and then the words that said you are so cute…. let’s cuddle… *insert Guy Singing Hell Nah*….. I was shook af so like any rational drunk person mid turn up does…. I ignored it and went on about my night.

The next day as I am making several offerings to the porcelain god. *a bish was hungover af* and watching ratchet reality t.v *love and hip hop ftw* I got a Facebook message from Mcthirst and at first I was just going to ignore it but I thought against it because during this time in my life I had vowed to be a better person. I wanted to put more positive vibes in the universe. I didn’t think I would be tested so quickly. 

So reluctantly, I open the message and at first he is asking if I had a fun night I said yep. t'was a good night. He told me that he had stayed in and gotten drunk.. so I didn’t really pay too much attention to it I chalked up that random snap as him being drunk so I didn’t even bring it up like I just let it go. And to be fair to myself I should have stopped messaging at that point but once again trying to be more positive I just gave him the benefit of the doubt.

 So I don’t even know how this question even come to be like I don’t know why this question was even on this person’s mind like this but you know we were talking and he asked me why wanted to learn Korean and I told him I was like because I’m moving to Korea and I wanted to be able to you know have conversations with people that I work with I wanted to have conversations and make friends outside of the people that I work with but more importantly it was more so for work. I needed to be able to communicate with clients and potential investors for my business so it was something that was more of a necessity. So he said oh that was really cool I think that is very admirable of me and I didn’t really think of it as being admirable like I thought it was just being strategic business wise. so he then This is Where  I consider it to be the OFFICIAL DM SLIDE-IN like

Y’ALL….Y’ALL this man said to me well since you are learning korean and moving to korean then you must find Korean men attractive

 I didn’t know how to take this question because that’s one thing like I wanted to stay away from I don’t really tell people I listen to K-pop a lot or anything because I did not want to be confused with a koreaboo but I told him I was like I can’t just say I find just Korean men attractive because I find guys of any ethnicity attractive if they hold the qualities in a man I like you know, not just Korean men or Asian men specifically and he was like Yeah but you do find Korean men attractive though right.

 I told him that I did find some Korean men attractive but not all are to me and he goes well I’m Korean so that means you find me attractive I was like what kind of question is that like why would you even ask me that and he was like so maybe like maybe we can get together and have a few drinks and maybe come back to my place. the look on my face was a mixture of disgust and just confusion. I was I never felt that never expressed that… Don’t want no parts of that. I mean I just laid it out for him like I don’t really even know you and to be honest you’re not my cup of tea I thought that we were just language exchange partners. To say I was done would be an understatement I just closed out the message turned my phone off and continued t watch t.v like i had been.  I was too hungover to deal with that, like not today. I didn’t have the time to play with him…

So in the meantime, I went ahead and canceled like the rest of our meetups that we had planned. I started distancing myself, he was still sending messages I wouldn’t answer and then one night I was out with my friend at her families Korean place and I was there eating dinner snapping it or whatever because you know that’s what you do. He messages me on Snap saying so you like Korean food I can teach you how to make Korean food I can make really good kimchi. if you want I could teach you. You could come over and we can cook and I can like tell you the Korean word for each thing and maybe after that, we can watch a movie and cuddle and if more happens that would be great but if not cuddling is fine.  At this point, I was past being nice and positive like fuck my karma. I had time that day and I went in. It was time to POP off and pop off i did.

 How dare you even think that it’s okay to talk to me like that I don’t know who raised you to think that you can speak to a lady that way and I’m not even sure where you thought that I liked you enough for you to continue to proposition me the way you have been like you mad ass disrespectful and You are dismissed  you’re blocked you’re done don’t message me don’t try to contact me like I’m good.

 I blocked him on all my social media accounts that he had. He does not have my Instagram at the time so I couldn’t block it and at the time my IG couldn’t be private because it was for my business. I didn’t know that he even had one but if there was a way I could block him before had i would have. I searched his name but it didn’t yield any results so i figured i was safe. but i was wrong…. a few months later he messages me on Instagram and I would like oh God who is this so like I read the message and it’s him he’s like hey how it’s been like I’m back in Korea since school ended i was just seeing if you still had plans to come here maybe we can meet up and talk.  I was like no I have nothing to say to you and I was like furthermore if you don’t want to be blocked off my insta you might want to vacate my inbox… I had nothing further to say to him like I’m good… He has since been blocked due to him send me a pic of his baby carrot. 

So that is my very first encounter with the weirdest person ever on hello talk like so anyways if you guys want to ask me more questions if you guys want to read more of these little encounters HMU in my ask box…

[joel-furniss-blog]

Shitposting and Dada

I discussed briefly in my project statement how I sense a certain lack of ambition and that I enjoy and produce work that is often of low-effort and low-quality, and in the previous semester I intended to sort of trick the examiners into giving me a better mark by overloading them with a quantity of work, trying to sort of test the ‘quality ≠ quantity’ saying. This method of producing work is quite like another of my favourite pastimes, the online behaviour of shitposting.

As vast as its internet domain, shitposting can take up a myriad of different forms on different forums, but a generally agreed definition is ‘posting large amounts of content "aggressively, ironically, and of trollishly poor quality” to an online forum or social network,’. Usually this is in order to derail otherwise orderly online discussions or alternately to bastardize a site to its regular visitors. Its usage dates to the early 00’s under the influence of niche online forums and imageboards, in which comment threads were often derailed from discussion by anonymous users either adding unconstructive posts out of ignorance or malicious intent. The resulting environment of chaotic misuse it results in is commonly referred to as ‘cancer’ (highlighting just how seriously an issue it is thought to be).

From its initial days as a minor annoyance on obscure online sump, shitposting has since changed into a much more mainstream culturally practice, especially in the intersection between internet trolling and politics. With its ability to aggravate, avert information, and overload systems, shitposting has fit well into the maddening expanse of contemporary politics and its sensationalist coverage, its first prominence being in the 2016 United States presidential race among examples of other radicalised internet phenomena—such as the appropriated mascot Pepe the Frog who has his own shitposted legacy—where the internet-savvy right-wing circles used memes as a new age propaganda machine to entertain its recruits and alienate its enemies through a stream of coded slang and images pumped out at a perpetual speed.

A most extreme and unfortunate example of the extent of the radicalization shitposting can cause is the 2019 Christchurch shooting in which an ethno-nationalist terrorist livestreamed his attack on Facebook and released a 74-page manifesto publicly on Twitter and imageboard 8chan as well as being sent directly to more than 30 recipients including multiple media companies and the New Zealand prime ministers office. The manifesto was allegedly littered with multiple memes including references to video game Fortnite, YouTube personality and alt-right running dog PewDiePie, and the classic Navy Seal copypasta, as well as alt-right associated meme and Serbian anti-Muslim turbo-folk song commonly referred to as Remove Kebab, paired with the method of distribution the manifesto could be seen as a most radical version of shitposting, intended to throw out morsels of the shooters philosophy to confuse outsiders and tempt those who might sympathise.

But shitpostings use is not exclusive to the political-right, as left-identifying groups have also used it for their own advancement, such as Facebook group New Urbanist Memes for Transit-Oriented Teens with over 175,000 members who produce and exchange memes and general discourse related to environmentally friendly and socially accommodating urban design schemes and transport reform, whose impact has seen 2020 United States presidential candidate Bernie Sanders become a member and supporter. Shitposting and trolling has even cropped up in the UK political scene, with current Liberal Democrat party leader Jo Swinson having to explicitly state that she does not murder squirrels after a fake screenshot of a news article saying so began circling Twitter.

With its relation to the fake news phenomenon and the post-truth environment, shitposting has found a comfortable place in the current political climate, but for my own sake I have to ask; how does it relate to art. Surprisingly, shitposting—while not in its current form—was very crucial to art history. The conceptual elements of shitposting, its ideas of producing an output of notably low effort, with enough capability to rise reactions from those lacking in acumen, and then continue to overwhelm the viewers by reproducing the same min-effort/max-impact work are comparable to the pursuits of the Dada movement. With its lack of principles, no cohesive aesthetic, and overt anti-normality take on making art, Dada holds many similarities with shitposting. Even contextually they are somewhat parallel, with the birth of Dada spewed from the loins of a WWI-era Europe in which class divisions widened between the uppers who were protected and profiteered from the war and the working class who suffered financially and psychological from its first-hand effects, paired with a spike in nationalism and a deduction in perceived human rights it was the turmoil and the bastardizations of the modern human society that spurred the reflective works of Dada, in essence producing shit art for a shit period. Whilst lacking in the same kind of industrialised killings of a World War, today’s society can be seen as comparable to the same conditions Dada was born under, a sharp rise in nationalism broaching into outright fascism in many places; a correlating increase in alienated peoples changing the other side of the political pendulum; governments which actively undermine their own people for financial gain (as if that’s anything new); consequences from governments decades past haunting marginalised communities and countries; a revolt every other day in every other country; an alphabet or damaging ‘-isms’ and ‘-phobias’; and a general feeling of slow and sinking madness infecting society, it’s easy to see why such absurdist practices as shitposting were born.

It’s easy to see certain similarities, even in famous—or infamous—examples such as Marcel Duchamp’s Fountain (1917) which was sent to a gallery exhibition as an absurdist remark on arts dichotomy between the aesthetic and the conceptual, the ceramic shitpost (or rather pisspost) of an overturned urinal embodied the same attitude as a modern shitposts, irritating to any traditionalist constant, and amusing to those who either don’t understand it or do. Shitposting is an effective way to overturn expectations and subvert opinions. Even the way it spread so suddenly, with a rise and fall caught in six years in over ten countries across the globe mimics the viral sensationalism of internet trends, rising to a global impact to suddenly deconstruct itself through saturation.

Both subjects were also entwined with the political game, with Dada practically challenging any traditionalist view it could, condemning the rising nationalist tendencies and capitalist fervour of societal ‘progress’, found especially amongst the Berlin group. Under the depression of the Weimar republic and the following rise in oppression by the Nazi party, German Dadaists continued their absurd political communication and activities through art, with their efforts corralled in with other morally objectionable art labelled as ‘degenerate’—a word that has also found relevance amongst certain shitposters—they rebelled nonetheless, with artist John Heartfield even sending postcards of his work directly to Nazi leaders, a literal shitpost.

However, just as concept and context can be applied, so can criticism to both subjects. Some art historians have noted Dadas perverse relationship with race, with a streak of using racially charged language an imagery with little to know relation or appreciation for other races, especially that of Africans with prominent member George Grosz often performing a minstrel show at the movements epicentre the Cabaret Voltaire and the Incoherents Paul Bilhaud painting an all-black work titled Combat de Nègres dans un Tunnel (Negroes Fighting in a Tunnel by Night, 1882). Paired with a fetishization of racial others as ‘primitive’ Dada had problematic effects, much like shitposting which, as previously discussed, has become lumped in with the narrative of deplorability within right-wing margins, and later majorities. However, from personal experience I have seen just as much shitposting from left-wing sources as right-wing, because it lacks any concrete coding and has evolved from mindless pastime to activist tool, but there are obvious questions on whether politics should be taken in such a Dada direction, whether it’s anti-sense sensibilities will reduce politics to further churlishness that it already is, whether elections will do away with voting systems for a game of ‘how many memes can either side send’.

I’m not here to concern myself with the politics of shitposting, I’m studying this topic from a sincerity past politics and into a wider philosophical scope. I love shitposting, the anonymous nature of the internet lets me crawl into someone else’s life, sew whatever discourse or confusion I can and then promptly leave, like a stray rat running across a kitchen floor only to never be seen again, moved on to another person’s virtual kitchen. However just as a rat searches for food, I search for shitposting grounds that are comfortable to me, things that I care about or have some sort of personal opinion on, things like euthanasia, suicide, societal expectations, abortions, issues on morality, art, and other various philosophical conundrums that I am slowly devolving. In some cases, I think it’s the most earnest thing one can do, to laugh into the void as it were and generate absurdist rebellion to normality that’ll upset its balance. I even think it has practical applications, take into consideration the increase in targeted advertising algorithms, in which websites and apps hijack personal information you send or even speak privately to sell you products. But by streaming false or flagrantly inflated information instead it is possible to confuse and disrupt the targeting algorithms, a small rebellion against corporate injustice. Some may call it sadistic, or sociopathic, or just plain sad to deliberately seek and produce such effortless and meaningless content, but I see it to hone my ideological axe, to build my ideas into more concrete forms. Paired with the previously mentioned anti-normality connotations with the Dada movement, and the current cultural relevance of it, I think the philosophical implications behind shitposting are essential to my current work and I will continue to take inspiration from it.

 “How does one achieve eternal bliss? By saying dada. How does one become famous? By saying dada. With a noble gesture and delicate propriety. Till one goes crazy. Till one loses consciousness. How can one get rid of everything that smacks of journalism, worms, everything nice and right, blinkered, moralistic, Europeanised, enervated? By saying dada. Dada is the world soul; dada is the pawnshop. Dada is the world’s best lily-milk soap

Why can’t a tree be called Pluplusch, and Pluplubasch when it has been raining? The word, the word, the word outside your domain, your stuffiness, this laughable impotence, your stupendous smugness, outside all the parrotry of your self-evident limitedness. The word, gentlemen, is a public concern of the first importance.”

[nowanderwhy]

Let's be honest: current language program

I will be retaking level 3 on the 6th of September. You read it right, RETAKING.

What went wrong: I failed the listening and reading part during midterms hence, I had very little chance to pass anyway. Not unless I had a perfect score during the finals. Lol. Of course, that didn’t happen.

What happened: I definitely didn’t slack off compare to level 2 (still passed level 2 with good grades btw). The level 3 grammar was similar and confusing. So many nuances which I understood but it was hard for me to apply it when speaking. And you guys know that perfect comes with practice!

The issue: I will not blame the school. Although the course structure is lacking, it is how it is. I wish we had more actual improvisation sessions for speaking. I understand that some expressions are important and useful for our daily lives but memorizing dialogues for midterms was too much in my opinion. Like I said, I can’t blame the school. What I regret is not having enough Korean friends to practice with. My closest and trustful friends don’t live in Seoul. You can’t meet people by chance in public places like in dramas. This is real life. The only people who approached me are the religious groups and cult freaks. No thank you, I’m not ready to improve my korean in exchange for brainwashing. People resort to language exchange cafes (bars) or apps. Now, most of people attending those are mistaking language exchange with dating. Not cool. I’ve talked to a few people online and met very few of them in real life. One ended up asking if there was an opportunity to be more than friends and the other one knew we were meeting as FRIENDS but made our meeting look like a freaking date. Other people I’ve talked with either ended up ignoring me after a while or the conversation just naturally died.

Plans: I will get myself to meet lots of people even if it’s awkward and force myself to be extroverted. I will use this vacation to review level 3 lessons and do better for next semester. I plan to study level 4 on my own as I will not attend the language program anymore. It costs A LOT of money though it’s only a language program. And I already have a degree so am not about that life. I will try to find a job here for after November. Wish me luck, I’ll need lots of it.

[countrymadefoods]

6 Weird Dating Traditions In History That Might Actually Make You Grateful For Tinder

“We hear a lot about the so-called "golden age" of dating — the early '50s and '60s, where men brought flowers, opened doors, and generally behaved as if their date was a piece of fine china without any agency — and how modern casual attitudes have made the process both less formal and less magical...Throughout history, people have concocted all kinds of ways to express love and propose marriage in the confines of their societies — and they've had to get very inventive.

Medieval romantic tradition, for instance, was dominated by courtly love, which required men to poetically idealize ladies who were completely inaccessible or out of their league (which usually meant either "married" or "dead"). They'd express their abject servitude to their lady at great length, and enjoy the dramas of an impossible love, without actually requiring anybody to do anything. And from 1740 to 1820, English literature was flooded with novels by women about how confusing courtship was, and how to do it properly.

Men Whittling Love Spoons

Welsh "love spoons" date back to the early 17th century, and were designed to be made out of a single piece of wood to demonstrate the carver's prowess...There was a language to these love spoons: Flowers, hearts and locks and keys were pretty self-explanatory, but a wheel meant "I will work for you," while putting a twist in the wood meant "togetherness 4ever."

Year-Long Competitions

One of the most famous bride competitions, from the historian Herodotus, involved the king Cleisthenes, who made his daughter's suitors compete for an entire year.

Coded Fan Language

In the 18th and 19th centuries in Europe, a "fan language" developed for women to be able to communicate to interested parties without opening their mouths. Folding hand fans were used to send signals as various as "Do not betray our secret" (covering your left ear with an open fan)...and "Do you love me?" (presenting a shut fan).

Sack Cuddling

[A] practice called bundling appeared in the 19th century (supposedly in the Netherlands before spreading to Britain and Pennsylvania) involving putting prospective couples in two sacks and letting them "sleep" together. It was actually rather kind; rather than letting two strangers marry, each partner was put inside a sack, and they were allowed to get to know each other, talk, and even spoon — without any premarital hanky-panky.

Victorian Dance Cards

Nobody did regimented courtship like the Victorians...The most common courting ritual was the giving of cards at dances, which were the main mixing grounds for different genders among the Victorian English. Men filled out their names on a woman's dance card (basically a roster), which she wore delicately tied around her wrist, and left their personal calling cards if they wished to call on her at home at a later point.If the woman liked what she saw, she gave him her card, and the courtship was on.

 Sexy Belts

There was a trend in the Italian Renaissance for prospective lovers to give their lady friends erotically inscribed belts. Belts pop up in a lot of poetry of the time, as symbols of sexuality and beauty which women of all societal positions could wear and receive as gifts: at one point in Boccaccio's Decameron , a woman seduces a man by giving him her belt...There's a particularly famous belt from Italy which was presumably given to a woman, with a highly erotic poem embroidered on the inside; it begins "I will burn even as a phoenix/with the fire of your kisses/and will die."

Lonely hearts and holiday flings: a history of dating

“[T]he history of dating...how similar the problems of today are to the 1930s, the 1840s, and even the 1780s. From worrying about a partner’s financial standing, or whether someone was going to stick around long enough for you to have children with them, to persuading your parents they are indeed a good fit, the means by which we go about finding love may have changed, but not the hopes, dreams and anxieties we’ve had about discovering it.

In the Regency era, for example, the advice was clear: looks matter but value them at the peril of your long-term happiness...throughout history, grooming and dressing as well as you possibly can has always been a better strategy than ruminating on what you don’t have.”

“Once you were suitably styled, you needed to get a date’s attention. The Georgians were mad for ‘lonely hearts’ adverts, which they would write and post via newspapers including the Times, later in matrimonial gazettes, circulated around London’s coffee houses, while the Victorians settled on the idea of the marriage bureau, an agency designed to match the middle classes, via photos and details about their hobbies.

In the flesh, of course, the best seduction tool has always been dancing. From Regency square dancing to secret Victorian drag balls, from the 1920s ‘turkey trot’ to the 1990s acid house rave scene, the vertical expression of the horizontal desire has rarely failed a trier.”

“But if you couldn’t dance, witty conversation and excellent manners have always served as a good substitute. Meeting a lady on the street in Victorian England was a fraught business...Middle-class Victorians embraced a complicated ritual of giving out calling cards, and of making home visits according to a strict etiquette. However, even if you succeeded getting an audience with your potential amour, you would never be left unattended. Chaperones were in full force until the First World War, when the exodus of Britain’s young men left women to parry and party on their own.”

“When we think of the early 20th century, we may imagine courting couples meeting one another on realistic terms, their expectations untroubled by the imagery of dream homes and impossibly honed bodies that haunt contemporary media. However, we’ve always idealised glamour. From the birth of the celebrity-courted gossip column in the 1920s and the boom in cinema from the 1930s, our aspiration to marry the richest and most beautiful has long intruded upon our daily contentment...the Victorians even had the own version of Instagram, exchanging carte de visites – small portrait prints which would be organised into albums also containing images of celebrities and royalty. These albums were exchanged in flirtation but also as a means of asserting one’s social standing. The trick was to guess whether someone showcasing a royal portrait had in fact met the royal in question.”

“Perhaps the biggest surprise about our dating history is that pre-marital sex has often been the norm for most people. Apart from the revival of a long-practised behaviour called ‘bundling’ – cuddling with clothes on – which was a response to the 1834 Poor Law penalising women who found themselves pregnant as single mothers...Marie Stopes wrote her sex manual Married Love in 1918...advocated the benefits of conjugal love, and physical pleasure within marriage. “I paid such a terrible price for sex-ignorance...that I feel knowledge gained at such a cost should be placed at the service of humanity.”

“In the 1930s, Marjorie Hillis, the author of Live Alone and Like it...acknowledging that plenty of single ladies were inviting gentleman callers back to their homes at night, and that societal attitudes were changing: “A woman’s honour is no longer mentioned with bated breath and protected by her father, her brother and the community. It is now her own affair.”

Meanwhile, in the 1960s, ‘the pill’ didn’t quite provide the immediate revolution it has been credited with. Originally it was only prescribed to married women, and even in the 1970s, doctors could refuse women a prescription on moral grounds...the downside of women procuring the pill was that men, who had originally assumed responsibility for acquiring condoms, stopped taking as much responsibility for contraception.”

“The bicycle, meanwhile, also improved romantic opportunities. Contrary to the tricycle, which saw women wearing full skirts and accompanied by a chaperone...Etiquette guides of the period recognised that people could now pay “surprise visits … by moonlight” and that seaside flirtations could be enhanced by romantic bike rides together. While there was fear about exactly what kind of excitations might be invoked by the bike riding, 1897’s Manners for Men advised that men encountering female cyclists “help ladies as much as possible by pushing their machines up the hills for them”.

“In the 1930s middle-class women that found themselves ‘left on the shelf’ still travelled to colonial India in search of husbands. Nicknamed ‘the fishing fleet’, these women travelled by boat to colonial outposts along with ambitious young men seeking work. In some cases, they’d often coupled up before the vessel had even docked...Later, the film Shirley Valentine would inspire a flock of similarly inclined women, including female sex tourists who were courted by young Caribbean men called ‘rastitudes’, and men who sought mail-order brides, on a ‘no-try-before-buy’ basis.”

”As for the future of dating? Well, there’s one thing for sure – it’s not in decline like marriage, which, in 2013, was nearly back down to its 2008 all-time lowest level since 1895. Instead, dating is fast becoming our favourite global hobby. And in an increasingly competitive marketplace, we’ll need new tricks up our sleeves in order to compete for the best paramours.”

(via Lonely hearts and holiday flings: a history of dating - History Extra)

Put down that phone! Here’s how to meet potential dates without apps.

“If you want to meet someone “in the wild,” putting some effort into making that introduction happen and not just hoping for a chance encounter is key. Here are a few tips:

Don’t rely on serendipity

“counting on serendipity to meet someone isn’t always fruitful...If you go into every situation with the expectation of meeting the love of your life, you’re most likely going to be let down. Instead, focus on expanding your social network and giving yourself opportunities to meet people.”

Sign up for an (ideally new) activity

“If you want to meet someone organically, increase the chances of it actually happening by going to places that open you up to meeting people with shared interests.”

Go to events alone

“While bringing a friend along may seem like the most natural thing to do when going to a social event...You’re more likely to get out of your comfort zone and talk to people if you have to.”

Use body language that’ll help

“The key to meeting someone is looking like you actually want to meet someone...First things first – smile...“Who cares if you look like you have nothing to do...It’s amazing what you can do when you’re not looking at your phone...You can have a more intimate conversation when you’re closer, next to each other...Across feels more like an interview.” 

If you’re stuck for a pickup line, look around you

“If someone does catch your eye, try starting a conversation that’s relevant to the situation. Typically, people will be pretty transparent about their feelings. “If they talk to you for a long period of time, they’re probably interested...And if they’re in a relationship, they’ll probably bring up their significant other in conversation.” When in doubt, you can always just flat out ask them out...”

Take risks

“[D]on’t expect that the first person you approach is going to end up being the father of your child, or you’ll be sorely disappointed. The most important part of being open to meeting people is being open to rejection...After all, all you need is one to work out.”

(via Put down that phone! Here’s how to meet potential dates without apps. | The Washington Post)

[taenings]

love story entry #1

Currently it is 3:23am. 

It has been a while since I have been on this site, I haven’t been on my computer lately and due to current situations, I’m constantly on my computer. Now I know a lot of people won’t read this, but I thought maybe a selective few would. I want to tell you a story, a love story to be exact as shown from the title. It is still an ongoing love story of mine. Now for those who have decided to read, sit back, it may be a bit boring to you, but to me, it is one hell of a ride that I don’t want to get off. And a little warning, it is of course, 3am, English is a pretty funky language and grammar is kinda weird. Sentence structure and story telling may not be appealing, but hear me out.

Let me start by introducing myself. Most people call me Jess, of course it’s a nickname given to me. You can guess my full first name, it’s pretty obvious and kinda basic. My ethnic background is Indonesian. I was born in Jakarta, Indonesia, moved to Chicago at the age of 8, and moved, again, to Houston at the age of 17. Growing up my parents were not present and they divorced before I moved to America.

I am not big on dating people. Sure I have some high school hook ups and occasional boyfriends and girlfriends that didn’t last long. Mostly I got together with those people simply because I felt bad or I thought I should humor them for a few weeks. I never really payed attention to them or never really cared about them. My friends were all that I needed and honestly relationships were just burdens. They were fun, but it always a burden. Now I say that it’s a burden, but it doesn’t stop me from falling into the trend that is seeking a “partner” through the means of dating sites. You know, thing likes “Tinder” or “OKCupid”. The fun of these dating websites is that you get matched up with someone that you like who happens to think you’re also cute and also the best part is always the chase. . The moment you get paired up you would want to use your dumb, corny pick up lines right? Or go to flirt and saying “You must look really hot if you do ____” or “Damn, the moment I swiped right I knew that you were the one.” I know, they’re really bad examples.  I constantly install and uninstall these apps since the people that I talk to don’t really share the same type of humor. There were some successful ones, but eventually I got tired and bored. Like the asshole that I am, I’d throw them to the side and ignore them. Who needs love anyways right? I did, of course, had a few crushes here and there like a normal, healthy human being, but they always end up being confused as adoration and such. This past November I was set on not dating anyone or marrying anyone until I’m probably 30. I swore that I won’t date anyone and if I do decide on dating someone, it probably won’t be serious anyways and will end the same way like my previous relationships. 

I said that in November, but there I was a month later laying in my bed (or was is at work?) scrolling on OKCupid and this one person caught my eye. It’s very rare to see such a beautiful, cute Asian girl who happens to be bisexual let alone lesbian(Like we’re in Texas it’s rare to see gay people, period). For those who are familiar with the way OKC is set up, users are allowed to set in an About me, 10 things I like, etc. This girl, she just had a really short message. I got curious, and decided to shoot up a simple message. “Hey.” She didn’t reply for quite sometime, I believe it took a day or half a day for her to respond and when she does respond, she’ll take hours to reply. It made me wonder if she was interested or not, probably not. Messages were pretty slow, but the way she responded to my lame jokes with hers got me hooked. I wanted to know her more, I wanted to talk to her more. She mentioned that she was playing this game called “League of Legends” (aka toxic center.) I wasn’t surprised she played it. It’s a very common game and then I asked if I can have her username. I initially quit playing the game, but I wanted to impress someone so I thought maybe I should get back into it. We played when she got home and started talking more often. The next night we played again and the night after that. She gets home at around 11pm to midnight and I didn’t mind waiting for her to get home so we can play together even though I had to wake up at around 6am for work. One day I was playing with my friends before she got home and we were casually chatting on discord. I had 2 of my good friends from Chicago with me and when she got home I invited her to join the chat and the game. She was too shy too talk at first, but I finally convinced her to. She had the sweetest voice and the funniest laugh. That night we ended up playing until 3am and after my friends left we were just talking  to each other for another hour. She asked for my Facebook before she went to sleep since Messenger makes it easier for us to communicate. She formally introduced her name as “Emma”. We then exchanged our full names and that where everything started, the best part of it all, the chase.  I stayed up a little bit longer forgetting that I had to wake up in a few hours for work to look at her pictures. Honestly, she looked, amazing. She’s totally my type. She’s beautiful and stunning, and she has this great smile, but something was off about it. I shook it off. I was just mesmerized by how beautiful she is. It did raise some questions though. There’s one reason a girl this beautiful was single. She’s either a crazy ass little bitch or she’s probably just flirting around without any intention to date. (Honey, if you happen to find this post and read this, which you probably won’t, I hope you won’t, don’t beat me up—). We talked more and more. I thanked my job for making it easy for me to check my phone constantly because I had my own office and I always finish my paperwork hours before I clocked out for the day. She doesn’t reply as fast because of work, but it was okay. We talked a lot for a few days, but I wasn’t ready to see her yet even though it was already Christmas weekend by that time . I was out with my friends on Christmas Eve and the next day I had to attend 3 Christmas celebration parties. We did hint on trying to see each other and everything so a few days later, among our mountains of flirty text messages and long paragraphs explaining some details of each of our lives, I took the courage and asked her if she wanted to hang out on Friday, 2 days before the New Year. My excuse to her was that, I wanted to see her for the first time before the year ended and thankfully, she said yes. I was extremely happy, yet nervous in the same time.  The day before our said “date” my friend threw a party. He goes to school in Illinois so he doesn’t really see his buddies in Texas very often. He said it was a late Christmas Party/ early New Years Party/Parting Party. All the people that I hang out with they’re at least 5 years older than me and there will be alcohol. I debated if I should go to the party or not, but after going out with him and a buddy of ours to Jollibee a few days before, I felt bad if I didn’t go since I promised I would be there. I told her about the party of course and told her there will be alcohol. I’ve been very good at watching my alcohol consumption and I’ve been doing way better than before in limiting myself, but I was still debating. I took a really nice walk to this wonderful park called “Herman Park” that was really close to my friend’s house. It was December and all I had was a really thin jacket to keep me warm. It’s Texas, no big deal, it’s not that cold. My phone was dying and I was messaging her. I got lost in my own thought and was hoping that one day, I could take her on a really nice date here. There was a place that caught my eye when I was driving around. There was this really nice bridge. I walked from my parking spot all the way to the bridge and just looked at the sun setting down. I took a picture of the bridge and sent to the her. “I promise to take you here one day” before my phone decided to shut down due to its low battery. I decided maybe I should go to the party for a little bit so I can charge my phone. She was pretty worried for me that I took a walk alone at night at a really big park. I didn’t drink much which was an accomplishment of its own and before I headed home I messaged her to remind her about the next day. And when I got home late at night, I tried to not completely fall asleep so I can talk to her a little bit more and as my drowsiness took over I fell asleep, dreaming of what could happen the next day when I finally meet the girl whom I have taken a liking for. That’s all for the first part, I’ll tell our first date some other time. It’s already way past 4am and I should head to bed. I did promise her that I wouldn’t stay up to late anyways. Until next time~ part 2(coming soon)

[datingadviceonreddit]

I'm writing this because I think this might be something that helps me move on. I feel fine for a while then I don't and the whole situation fucked me up and I can't concentrate on my work or just move on. I know it's early but I want this feeling to be gone !Now on with the story,I met this girl 5 months ago online, and this is an online relationship we had, so before you guys start shitting on me and stuff like that and on online dating please don't because I feel like shit anyways, so please don't be negative. It wasn't even a dating app, we were on a language exchange app and I met a lot of people there and talked with them to improve my language.As you might be able to tell, English is not my first language, so trying to improve that and I was learning French too and a bit of Chinese. I was talking to people there everyday, men and women, improving my language and learning. So it was never a dating thing or I was looking for that, I've made a lot of friends there. Until I met this girl, I won't give too much information about where she's from or where I'm from and stuff like that just for privacy and I also know she hovers reddit !Since we first met it was amazing. We got each others jokes and innuendos, we read the same books and genres, we were having so much fun, we were talking to each other everyday and every night for long hours. We both knew this was something more than just two people exchanging language.I've only had two or three real relationships in my life and I find it very difficult to open up to people, I never do, even my friends, I'm a very good friend and loyal to everybody, but I almost never share what's going on or how I feel ... it's always been very difficult for me.Back to the story, we of course changed numbers and emails and all that and began talking outside the app. We'd have video calls everyday, we'd spend hours at night talking and laughing, I shared with her everything and opened up to her like I haven't to anybody before, told her about everything fucked up in my childhood and my family. She too shared with me about her life and her family and all that. But she had some issues with opening up to people, just like me and I knew that, but with me she started opening up more and more.So by now, we're texting all day, we talk every night on video, we share every aspect of our lives, we send pictures of what we're eating and doing and when we're on public transportation and all that. I know a lot of people have reservations about online relationships but how can you tell me being like that with someone is not real or as authentic as meeting someone, it wasn't us wasting time, we were making time for each other everyday, we were talking about everything about ourselves and our lives, that was some deep shit too that I've never ever shared about being abused as a kid and my relationship with my family .... stuff that family members and some of my best friends don't know, and to be honest she was doing the same.Now the part that when I look back makes me understand that the warnings were there. She started having these mood swings, one day she was the most amazing girl on the planet, the other she was very distant, and I didn't understand what was going on, she'd be busy with studying and I'd stay up late at night to talk to her while I had work the next day and she would blow me off. We fought and she started telling me that she's been like that because she's afraid to get attached to me more and this not working and us not being together and all the obstacles that stood between us being together. She was always overthinking and had anxiety about everything. We talked it through and I decided that I was going to meet her start of next year in Jan so we could actually be together and give this a shot.She was very happy, got back to normal and everything was great and like it has always been. Of course we fought and had arguments every now and again about mostly scheduling talking to each other and one being busy while the other was there and stuff like that, but we both understood that for this relationship to work we had to power through all that and try to be together until I come over, which was just a couple of months away.She started getting really moody again, she was distant, she'd respond after a while and tell me she had problems with her family and study and I'd understand and try to be as supportive as I can and give her space. Then she'd be awesome again and we're on cloud nine and loving messages all day and night and we'd fall asleep on video in front of each other ... and all that romantic cute shit.One day she doesn't respond for almost 2 days, then she gets back to me and we start talking and she tells me that she's not ready for a relationship and she's afraid of this and her anxiety kick back again, that day we actually sort of broke up and she was very cold and told me we could be friends, so I was heart broken and I told her I don't know if I can be friends with her and that I needed space to think about that.I spent 2 weeks without talking to her and I was devastated, I don't know if a lot of people can relate to me, but I'm sure some people are like me and have a very very hard time opening up to people and when you do you almost regret doing that, and she was the only person I did that with, I've been in relationships before for months and never opened up to a girl like I did with her.Anyways, she texts me after two weeks asking how I was, I told her I'm ok and I don't know really what to do. We talked and she said that she didn't mean it and she was confused and afraid and we sort of got back together and it was all good again.In hindsight, these were all warning, but I'm just telling you my story because I think its good for me to talk, I'm feeling better already writing this.We're good, we're back, it's great and soon we'll meet and be together. But again, she becomes distant and seems really uninterested, like I swear, I sometimes felt she doesn't even like me and she was just bored but then I think that can't be, because of how she was before .... and I start questioning myself and her and everything in between.We talk again and I tell her about how I'm feeling and how she's been with me and why she's afraid and her anxiety and all that, and she says she needs some time. It felt like she was breaking up with me again and I told her if she's afraid or thinking about this or that please let's talk, she did then we agreed to take a break from talking for a while.Next day after this conversation, I open my whatsapp and I'm blocked there, I was shocked, hangouts, social media ..... I'm blocked everywhere ..... you can't imagine my shock and how sad, confused and heartbroken I was. I was an emotional wreck, I couldn't work, talk to friends or family .... I just didn't understand how the person that cared about me so much would do that. I tried reaching out through calls, texts ..... you think of it ... blocked on everything you could think of. I was a mess, I couldn't understand why anybody would ever do that to someone, it's not just two people who talked for a week online, it's been 5 months of daily talk and calls and videos and sharing every aspect of my life and opening up about my life to that person, how could she do that !Needless to say I was like every person that was ever ghosted, in limbo, confused .... I read every article and post and tried to make sense, and yes the warnings were there, I'm not here to hear that yeah, you should've seen it coming .... I'm honestly trying to move on .... but I think I loved her and maybe not but I feel betrayed after opening myself to someone like that, specially how hard it is for me, for them to cut me off like that !It's been a month now, with nothing, I know nothing about her, and I know I should move on, and that's what I'm trying to do, but I'm sure people here will understand who've been through this before how confusing and difficult it is. I'm some days fine and good and then I fall into limbo again, I'm going out with friends and I forget, then I get home and remember anything to do with her and I feel like someone punched me in the gut and left me on the floor. I'm ashamed of myself that I opened up to her, that I let someone in like that and they do that to me. I'm questioning myself and her and everything really, I know I shouldn't and that it's more about her not me but I can't help it.If you've read through all that, thank you ! I appreciate itPlease don't tell me I'm stupid or an idiot or I didn't see it coming or whatever ... I sort of already know that, please no negative stuff.I would love to hear people's stories and how they moved on and if they have any good advice for me. I feel like shit most of the day and confused and I just want this to go away .... what I'm feeling .... and I don't want to do anything stupid like go get drunk or have a rebound or all that shit, I'm not like that. I just want to move on and understand and rationalize what the hell went on .... or maybe I shouldn't even question that !Thank you guys !I'm very proud of myself for writing all that in English via /r/dating_advice

[judeblenews-blog]

9 highlights from Snapchat CEO’s 6,000-word leaked memo on survival

Adults, not teens. Messaging, not Stories. Developing markets, not the U.S. These are how Snapchat will make a comeback, according to CEO Evan Spiegel . In a 6,000-word internal memo from late September leaked to Cheddar’s Alex Heath, Spiegel attempts to revive employee morale with philosophy, tactics and contrition as Snap’s share price sinks to an all-time low of around $8 — half its IPO price and a third of its peak. “The biggest mistake we made with our redesign was compromising our core product value of being the fastest way to communicate,” Spiegel stresses throughout the memo regarding “Project Cheetah.” It’s the chat that made Snapchat special, and burying it within a combined feed with Stories and failing to build a quick-loading Android app have had disastrous consequences.

Spiegel shows great maturity here, admitting to impatient strategic moves and outlining a cohesive path forward. There’s no talk of Snapchat ruling the social app world here. He seems to understand that’s likely out of reach in the face of Instagram’s competitive onslaught. Instead, Snapchat is satisfied if it can help us express ourselves while finally reaching even meager profitability. Snapchat may be too perceived as a toy to win enough adults, too late to win back international markets from the Facebook empire and too copyable by good-enough alternatives to grow truly massive. But if Snap can follow the Spiegel game plan, it could carve out a sustainable market through a small but loyal audience who want to communicate through imagery. Here are the most interesting takeaways from the memo — and why they’re important:

1. Apologizing for rushing the redesign

There were, of course, some downsides to moving as quickly as a cheetah We rushed our redesign, solving one problem but creating many others . . . Unfortunately, we didn’t give ourselves enough time to continue iterating and testing the redesign with a smaller percentage of our community. As a result, we had to continue our iterations after we launched, causing a lot of frustration for our community. Spiegel always went on his gut rather than relying on user data like Facebook. Aging further and further away from his core audience, he misread what teens cared about. The appealing buzz phrase of “separating social from media” also meant merging messaging and Stories into a chaotic list that made both tougher to use. Spiegel seems to have learned a valuable lesson about the importance of A/B testing.

2. Chat is king

Our redesigned algorithmic Friend Feed made it harder to find the right people to talk to, and moving too quickly meant that we didn’t have time to optimize the Friend Feed for fast performance. We slowed down our product and eroded our core product value. . . . Regrettably, we didn’t understand at the time that the biggest problem with our redesign wasn’t the frustration from influencers – it was the frustration from members of our community who felt like it was harder to communicate . . . In our excitement to innovate and bring many new products into the world, we have lost the core of what made Snapchat the fastest way to communicate. When Snap first revealed the changes, we predicted that “Teen Snap addicts might complain that the redesign is confusing, jumbling all content from friends together.” That made it too annoying to dig out your friends to send them messages, and Snap’s growth rate imploded, with it losing 3 million users last quarter. Expect Snap to optimize its engineering to make messages quicker to send and receive, and even sacrifice some of its bells and whistles to make chat faster in developing markets.

3. Snapchat must beat Facebook at best friends

Your top friend in a given week contributes 25% of Snap send volume. By the time you get to 18 friends, each incremental friend contributes less than 1% of total Snap send volume each. Finding best friends is a different problem than finding more friends, so we need to think about new ways to help people find the friends they care most about. Facebook’s biggest structural disadvantage is its broad friend graph that’s bloated to include family, co-workers, bosses and distant acquaintances. That might be fine in a feed app, but not for Stories and messaging where you only care about your closest friends. With friend lists and more, Facebook has tried and failed for a decade to find better ways to communicate with your besties. This is the wedge through which Snapchat can attack Facebook. If it develops special features for luring your best friends onto the app and staying in touch with them for better reasons than just maintaining a Snap “Streak,” it could hit Facebook where it can’t defend itself.

4. Discover soars as Facebook Watch and IGTV stumble

Our Shows continue to attract more and more viewers, with over 18 Shows reaching monthly audiences of over 10M unique viewers. 12 of which are Original productions. As a platform overall, we’ve grown the amount of total time spent engaging with our Shows product, almost tripling since the beginning of the year. Our audience for Publisher Stories has increased over 20% YoY, and we believe there is a significant opportunity to continue growing the number of people who engage with Discover content . . .We are also working to identify content that is performing well outside of Snapchat so that we can bring it into Discover. Discover remains Snapchat’s biggest differentiator, scoring with premium video content purposefully made for mobile. What it really needs, though, are a few must-see tent-pole shows to drag in a wider audience that can get hooked on the reimagined digital magazine experience.

5. But Discover is a mess

Our content team is working hard to experiment with new layouts and content types in the wake of our redesign to drive increased engagement. Snapchat Discover is an overcrowded pile of clickbait. News outlets, social media influencers, original video Shows and aggregated user content collections all battle for attention in a design that feels overwhelming to the point of exhaustion. Thankfully, Snapchat seems to recognize that more cohesive sorting with fewer images and headlines bombarding you might make Discover a more pleasant lean-back consumption experience.

6. Aging up to earn money

Most of the incremental growth in our core markets like the US, UK, and France will have to come from older users who generate higher average revenue per user . . . Growing in older demographics will require us to mature our application . . . Many older users today see Snapchat as frivolous or a waste of time because they think Snapchat is social media rather than a faster way to communicate. Changing the design language of our product and improving our marketing and communications around Snapchat will help users understand our value . . . aging-up our community in core markets will also help the media, advertisers, and Wall Street understand Snapchat. Snapchat can’t just be for cool kids anymore. Their lower buying power and life stage make them less appealing to brands. The problem is that Snapchat risks turning off younger users by courting their older siblings or adults. If, like Facebook, users start to feel like Snapchat is a place for parents, they may defect in search of the next purposefully built app to confuse adults to stay hip.

7. Finally prioritizing developing markets

We already have many projects underway to unlock our core product value in new markets. Mushroom allows our community to use Snapchat on lower-end devices. Arroyo, our new gateway architecture, will speed up messaging and many other services . . . It might require us to change our products for different markets where some of our value-add features detract from our core product value. Sources tell me Snapchat’s future depends on the engineering overhaul of its Android app, a project codenamed “Mushroom.” Slow video load times and bugs have made Snapchat practically unusable on low-bandwidth connections and old Android phones in the developing world. The company concentrated on the U.S. and other first-world markets, leaving the door open for copycats of Stories built by Instagram (400 million daily users) and WhatsApp (450 million daily users) to invade the developing world and dwarf Snap’s 188 million total daily users. In hopes of a smooth rollout, Snapchat is already testing Mushroom, but it will have to do a ton of marketing outreach to convince frustrated users who ditched the app to give it another try.

8. Fresh ideas, separate apps

We’re currently building software that takes the millions of Snaps submitted to Our Story and reconstructs parts of the world in 3D. We can then build augmented reality experiences on top of those models and distribute them as Lenses . . . If our innovation compromises our core product of being the fastest way to communicate, we should consider create separate applications or other ways of delivering our innovation. Snapchat has big plans for augmented reality. It doesn’t just want to stick animations over the top of anywhere, or create AR art installations in a few big cities. It wants to build site-specific AR experiences across the globe. And while everything the company has built to date has lived inside of Snapchat, it’s willing to spawn standalone apps if necessary so that it doesn’t bog down its messaging service. That could give Snapchat a lot more leeway to experiment.

9. The freedom of profitability

Our 2019 stretch output goal will be an acceleration in revenue growth and full year free cash flow and profitability. With profitability comes increased autonomy and freedom to operate our business in the long term best interest of our community without the pressure of needing to raise additional capital. Snapchat is still bleeding money, losing $353 million last quarter. Snapchat ended up selling 2.3 percent of its equity to a Saudi Arabian prince in exchange for $250 million to lengthen its rapidly shortening runway. And last year it took $2 billion from Chinese gaming giant Tencent. Deals like that could threaten Snapchat’s ability to prioritize its goals alone, not the moral imperatives or developer platforms that would benefit its benefactors. Once profitable, Snapchat won’t have to worry so much about struggling with short-term user growth and can instead focus on retention, societal impact and its true purpose — creativity.

Via: Techcrunch Read the full article

[stardustandcatpaws-blog]

five

It has really been a really long time since I have written anything. I noticed, right now actually, that my self esteem has been gradually getting lower since I stopped giving myself compliments everyday. I will start again tomorrow. However, right now, this writing session is for reflection. 

About 6 months ago, I had a stalker. Almost immediately after/in the midst of dealing with my stalker, I got an emotionally abusive boyfriend. 4 months after that, I found out I had a pretty sever ulcer and cancer and broke up with my boyfriend. 1 month after that I got a surgery to remove my cancer, incurred a lot of debt from surgery, loans, taxes, etc., met the man of my dreams (or so he seems now) and have had approximately ZERO time to reflect and deal with all of it. SO, here it is:

The stalker (he has a name but it makes me sick to think about him so...), was a guy I dated who lived in a city, approximately one hour from my current city in Korea. We met through a language exchange app. I wanted to learn Korean and he wanted to learn English. After a few times of language exchange he asked me on a date; he seemed nice and charming so I said, yes. We dated from May to July, last year. He was a nice guy, seemingly intelligent, good goals (wanting to get further in the police force), healthy, worked out a lot, etc. HOWEVER, I cant tell you what it was exactly that made me question being with him, but my gut instinct just told me to stop dating him. We stopped dating (I cant really say broke up because we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend) and he WENT INSANE!

I am a nice person when I break up with someone: I listen to them, apologize but remain firm, explain my feelings over and over again and I am patient for a few days.... however, with him, I would tell him we are broken up and he would just laugh and not take me seriously. He showed up at my house multiple times, called my friends, spammed my inboxes on every social media. Usually men do that for a while after you break up with some hope of getting back together, however after a couple days you just ignore them and they give up and move on. NOT THIS TIME. I think it took me 2 full weeks to realize I had a full blown stalker. He would come to my house, unannounced, every day. He would leave gifts outside my door and make up fake messenger accounts to talk to me and send virtual gifts after I blocked him. My friend Matt called the police for me 4 times to complain about the stalker because I would go to him crying every time I received another message or gift.

For the first month it was more annoying than it was scary. The police were not much help, as I am an English foreigner and they are Korean police officers. It was quite hard to communicate and convince them I really had a stalker. I think it was one month into the stalking, after the 3rd phone call to the police that I became genuinely scared; terrified actually.  He showed up at my house with flowers and a letter. He stayed outside for hours and would message me online saying things like, “I know you’re in there,” “The police can’t do anything to me, I know the law.” We called the police and when they arrived to speak to him in person I thought, finally this will be taken care of. I watched through the window of my friends apartment, the police talked to him for 2 hours. Finally, it was finished! WRONG. Before even getting into a taxi to take himself home, he sent me a picture of the flowers he had bought me and sent me a very long message describing all of the places he is going to take me after he buys a car, where our new house will be, what our children will be like, etc. I knew he was dangerous at that point.

Thankfully, I live in an apartment building with other people I work with so they could tell me if he came back to the apartment. For 2 weeks after the last incident with the roses, it was fairly calm. A message here and there from fake accounts but no in person sightings. I thought he was calming down, but then I received a letter at work. It was a 5 page hand written letter in English, describing every part of my body in detail and things he wanted to do me. There were some really disgusting things he said about me but the scariest one for me was when he mentioned multiple times that he can’t wait until I am pregnant so he can take care of me better. It was quite repulsive. 2 days letter I received 2 more letters in my home mail box. The contents of these letters were similar to the first. 

1 week after the letter incident, I was moving into another apartment upstairs because I didn’t want him to have my address. After moving some furniture upstairs, I went downstairs to my old apartment to get another load of stuff and there he was; my stalker just standing in my old apartment. I didnt think he would ever come back after talking to the police. Apparently I was wrong. I still remember the sick feeling I got when I saw him. When he saw me standing in the doorway, he said, “Ill forgive you for calling the police.” In that moment my instincts told me to just stay calm and not make him angry by yelling or running away. To this day, I have still never seen him angry. He has such an eerie calmness about him. He started a casual conversation, asking about my day and I just said I was moving and forgot something upstairs so I had to go get it and we will talk when I get back down. He started following me upstairs and I had no idea what to do but in that moment MY FRIEND WHO LIVED UPSTAIRS CAME DOWN AND SAW HIM. THANK GOD FOR COLLIN! Already knowing about my stalker and what I was going through, my friend and him started getting into an argument. Another friend heard what was going on in the hallway and called the police. He left before he could get arrested.

In the week that followed I filed a real police report for breaking and entering as well as stalking. I had a korean translator (also my friend) at the police station so things went fairly well, minus when the detective working my case asked me out on a date (WTF!). It was finally over, or so I thought. It takes time for someone to be charged and arrested so he was free to do as he pleased until the police got around to taking care of the situation. 

2 weeks after I filed the report, my frisbee team had a tournament in a city named, Pohang; maybe 2 hours away from my stalkers city. I played a few frisbee games that day and I was at the field for approximately 5 hours. I checked my phone when our tournament was over and there was a message on my instagram from a random account. The message was 3 pictures of me during the tournament, playing frisbee and a, “I will join you soon.” I was quite confused... maybe it was him? Maybe it was a joke from a fellow player? I walked off the field to find my stalker talking to the frisbee league organizer. He was trying to join frisbee!!!!!!! I was so shocked. I just blurted out, “What are you doing here?” Of course the reply was just a calm, “To join frisbee.” At this point I honestly could not handle it anymore. I was so scared!!! I cried a lot and went to find my friend Matt to fix it (he was on the same team as I was). Matt went and found my stalker and the organizer. After an aggressive conversation, I’m told, my stalker was banned from all frisbee related things. Again, I went back to the police station in Andong but nothing could be done because the other charges were still going through.

In the end Im not exactly sure what happened... I know he had to pay a fine and go to jail/do some community service. I know when they first mentioned jail time to me that he would get out in April or May... Maybe that is why I have been thinking so much about it all lately.

Being stalked by him has changed me in a lot of ways... I am scared to walk alone at night, in fear that he may be around the corner. I am scared to be in my apartment alone because I know it’s not that hard to break into someones house if you really wanted. I quit drinking when the stalking first started because I felt like it could put me at extreme risk. I just don’t go out partying anymore. There may be a time when I drink again, but it will not be in public. I found it extremely difficult to trust people before, so now it is almost impossible.  

Immediately after the stalking, I met a man. I talked about him 2 posts ago. I didnt realize it at the time but I think I just needed to be with someone to make me feel safe. It is quite ironic because thinking about it now, he is the LAST person who would care about my well being. I mentioned before, he is a narcissist. Not a narcissist in the sense people use nowadays in regards to selfishness, but a real narcissist. Having already been in shock, and not even having started recovery from my stalker, I dived into this relationship and I just believed every stupid, abusive word that came out of his mouth. There was one point when I thought we would get married. (LOL!) And then, after 4 months, I realized I was in an abusive relationship and left. I covered some of the details in another post.

After the stalking and the break up, I went to the hospital to get some tests because my stomach was quite sore. Turns out I have an ulcer and had cancer. I got surgery to get the cancer removed so that’s taken care of, but being 25 and hearing you have cancer is not fun. It is quite scary. Also I felt quite alone dealing with it. Of course, I have some friends here who have offered to go with me to appointments and listen to me when Im sad - I am truly grateful and love them for it. <3 But its still tiresome, going to all of the appointments in different cities, different hospitals, spending money you dont have, translation, etc. I considered quitting my job at one point and moving back to Canada for a while to decompress but I quickly dismissed that thought because the thought of moving anywhere with cats, canceling a contract, and flying for 33 hours just didn’t seem worth it. SO! I acted like I usually do: said the bare minimum to people about my situation, pretended like I was ok, made a few cancer jokes and moved on. Not the healthiest way to go about things but what else am I supposed to do ?

You get to this weird point (currently mid-twenties for me), when you realize as everyone gets older, they tend to focus their energy on themselves. They have their own problems, so they focus their energy on their problems and don’t get too involved in your own. As they should! I have come to the realization that no one has to care or help me deal with my problems other than myself. I know for some people this is quite an obvious observation... However, I am the kind of person who will take time out of my day to sincerely talk to you about a real problem and help you find a solution. I will be with you until the very end, using any resource or energy possible to get you through it and to make you happy again. When I found out I had cancer, I was kind of angry when people didn’t show the same kindness to me that I would have/have shown them in the past. Instead it was met with a lot of, “Well ya, my uncle had cancer,” or “Ya, that sucks.” Even I remember trying to tell some people about how alone and sad I felt and the reaction was that they offered to help or that if they were in their home country they wouldn’t have their family with them so they would also be alone, etc. I was quite upset, thinking about how dismissive my friends were to me for talking about my feelings with regards to my cancer. Thinking about it now, however, I should not have been upset with people. I think everyone has a certain capacity for the “shit they can deal with;” few people, like me, can deal with a lot of problems (my own and other people’s) and still be sane (well kind of LOL) and other people deal with just a regular amount of problems. Upon reflecting, I am happy to have friends I can at least share my problems with. I can’t expect anyone to be sincere every time because, let’s be real, I HAVE A LOT OF “SHIT” XD. Maybe at that moment in time, the dismissive reaction was due to them dealing with their own problems and using their energy in a healthy way. It is a good thing. I can learn from them. One of my major problems is always using my energy on everyone and everything, except for myself. The more I grow and the more problems I have, the more I learn that I really need to help myself heal first before I help everyone else. Much easier said then done!!! 

AHHHH. That was such a great therapy session. Im going to take a shower, cry, do a face mask and sleep for 10 hours. The last 5 years I have quite extensively focused on my past and have done MANY therapy sessions in order to heal my mind. All of a sudden, right now, I feel like it is time to close that chapter and focus on the present and future. I just FEEL like I have completed something. Tomorrow is going to be a great day! <3

[judeblenews-blog]

9 highlights from Snapchat CEO’s 6000-word leaked memo on survival

Adults, not teens. Messaging, not Stories. Developing markets, not the US. These are how Snapchat will make a comeback, according to CEO Evan Spiegel . In a 6,000-word internal memo from late September leaked to Cheddar’s Alex Heath, Spiegel attempts to revive employee morale with philosophy, tactics, and contrition as Snap’s share price sinks to an all-time low of around $8 — half its IPO price and a third of its peak. “The biggest mistake we made with our redesign was compromising our core product value of being the fastest way to communicate” Spiegel stresses throughout the memo regarding ‘Project Cheetah’. It’s the chat that made Snapchat special, and burying it within a combined feed with Stories and failing to build a quick-loading Android app have had disastrous consequences.

Spiegel shows great maturity here, admitting to impatient strategic moves and outlining a cohesive path forward. There’s no talk of Snapchat ruling the social app world here. He seems to understand that’s likely out of reach in the face of Instagram’s competitive onslaught. Instead, Snapchat is satisfied if it can help us express ourselves while finally reaching even meager profitability. Snapchat may be too perceived as a toy to win enough adults, too late to win back international markets from the Facebook empire, and too copyable by good-enough alternatives to grow truly massive. But if Snap can follow the Spiegel game-plan, it could carve out a sustainable market through a small but loyal audience who want to communicate through imagery. Here are the most interesting takeaways from the memo and why they’re important:

1. Apologizing For Rushing The Redesign

“There were, of course, some downsides to moving as quickly as a cheetah We rushed our redesign, solving one problem but creating many others . . . Unfortunately, we didn’t give ourselves enough time to continue iterating and testing the redesign with a smaller percentage of our community. As a result, we had to continue our iterations after we launched, causing a lot of frustration for our community.” Spiegel always went on his gut rather than relying on user data like Facebook. Aging further and further away from his core audience, he misread what teens cared about. The appealing buzz phrase of “separating social from media” also meant merging messaging and Stories into a chaotic list that made both tougher to use. Spiegel seems to have learned a valuable lessen about the importance of A/B testing.

2. Chat Is King

“Our redesigned algorithmic Friend Feed made it harder to find the right people to talk to, and moving too quickly meant that we didn’t have time to optimize the Friend Feed for fast performance. We slowed down our product and eroded our core product value. . . . Regrettably, we didn’t understand at the time that the biggest problem with our redesign wasn’t the frustration from influencers – it was the frustration from members of our community who felt like it was harder to communicate . . . In our excitement to innovate and bring many new products into the world, we have lost the core of what made Snapchat the fastest way to communicate.” When Snap first revealed the changes, we predicted that “Teen Snap addicts might complain that the redesign is confusing, jumbling all content from friends together.” That made it too annoying to dig out your friends to send them messages, and Snap’s growth rate imploded, with it losing 3 million users last quarter. Expect Snap to optimize its engineering to make messages quicker to send and receive, and it even sacrifice some of its bells and whistles to make chat faster in developing markets.

3. Snapchat Must Beat Facebook At Best Friends

“Your top friend in a given week contributes 25% of Snap send volume. By the time you get to 18 friends, each incremental friend contributes less than 1% of total Snap send volume each. Finding best friends is a different problem than finding more friends, so we need to think about new ways to help people find the friends they care most about.” Facebook’s biggest structural disadvantage is its broad friend graph that’s bloated to include family, co-workers, bosses, and distant acquaintances.  That might be fine in a feed app, but not for Stories and messaging where you only care about your closest friends. With friend lists and more, Facebook has tried and failed for a decade to find better ways to communicate with your besties. This is the wedge through which Snapchat can attack Facebook. If it develops special features for luring your best friends onto the app and staying in touch with them for better reasons than just maintaining a Snap “Streak”, it could hit Facebook where it can’t defend itself.

4. Discover Soars As Facebook Watch And IGTV Stumble

“Our Shows continue to attract more and more viewers, with over 18 Shows reaching monthly audiences of over 10M unique viewers. 12 of which are Original productions. As a platform overall, we’ve grown the amount of total time spent engaging with our Shows product, almost tripling since the beginning of the year. Our audience for Publisher Stories has increased over 20% YoY, and we believe there is a significant opportunity to continue growing the number of people who engage with Discover content . . .We are also working to identify content that is performing well outside of Snapchat so that we can bring it into Discover. “ Discover remains Snapchat’s biggest differentiator, scoring with premium video content purposefully made for mobile. What it really needs, though, are a few must-see tentpole shows to drag in a wider audience that can get hooked on the reimagined digital magazine experience.

5. But Discover Is A Mess

“Our content team is working hard to experiment with new layouts and content types in the wake of our redesign to drive increased engagement.” Snapchat Discover is an overcrowded pile of clickbait. News outlets, social media influencers, original video Shows, and aggregated user content collections all battle for attention in a design that feels overwhelming to the point of exhaustion. Thankfully Snapchat seems to recognize that more cohesive sorting with fewer images and headlines bombarding you might make Discover a more pleasant lean-back consumption experience.

6. Aging Up To Earn Money

“Most of the incremental growth in our core markets like the US, UK, and France will have to come from older users who generate higher average revenue per user . . . Growing in older demographics will require us to mature our application . . . Many older users today see Snapchat as frivolous or a waste of time because they think Snapchat is social media rather than a faster way to communicate. Changing the design language of our product and improving our marketing and communications around Snapchat will help users understand our value . . . aging-up our community in core markets will also help the media, advertisers, and Wall Street understand Snapchat.” Snapchat can’t just be for cool kids anymore. Their lower buying power and lifestage make them less appealing to brands. The problem is that Snapchat risks turning off younger users by courting their older siblings or adults. If, like Facebook, users start to feel like Snapchat is a place for parents, they may defect in search of the next purposefully built to confuse adults to stay hip.

7. Finally Prioritizing Developing Markets

“We already have many projects underway to unlock our core product value in new markets. Mushroom allows our community to use Snapchat on lower-end devices. Arroyo, our new gateway architecture, will speed up messaging and many other services . . . It might require us to change our products for different markets where some of our value-add features detract from our core product value” Sources tell me Snapchat’s future depends on the engineering overhaul of its Android app, a project codenamed ‘Mushroom’. Slow video load times and bugs have made Snapchat practically unusable on low-bandwidth connections and old Android phones in the developing world. The company concentrated on the US and other first-world markets, leaving the door open for copycats of Stories built by Instagram (400 million daily users) and WhatsApp (450 million daily users) to invade the developing world and dwarf Snap’s 188 million total daily users. In hopes of a smooth rollout, Snapchat is already testing Mushroom, but it will have to do a ton of marketing outreach to convince frustrated users who ditched the app to give it another try.

8. Fresh Ideas, Separate Apps

“We’re currently building software that takes the millions of Snaps submitted to Our Story and reconstructs parts of the world in 3D. We can then build augmented reality experiences on top of those models and distribute them as Lenses . . . If our innovation compromises our core product of being the fastest way to communicate, we should consider create separate applications or other ways of delivering our innovation.” Snapchat has big plans for augmented reality. It doesn’t just want to stick animations over the top of anywhere, or create AR art installations in a few big cities. It wants to build site-specific AR experiences across the globe. And while everything the company has built to date has lived inside of Snapchat, it’s willing to spawn standalone apps if necessary so that it doesn’t bog down its messaging service. That could give Snapchat a lot more leeway to experiment.

9. The Freedom Of Profitability

“Our 2019 stretch output goal will be an acceleration in revenue growth and full year free cash flow and profitability. With profitability comes increased autonomy and freedom to operate our business in the long term best interest of our community without the pressure of needing to raise additional capital.” Snapchat is still bleeding money, losing $353 million last quarter. Snapchat ended up selling 2.3 percent of its equity to a Saudi Arabian prince in exchange for $250 million to lengthen its rapidly shortening runway. And last year it took $2 billion from Chinese gaming giant Tencent. Deals like that could threaten Snapchat’s ability to prioritize its goals alone, not the moral imperatives or developer platforms that would benefit its benefactors. Once profitable, Snapchat won’t have to worry so much about struggling with short-term user growth and can instead focus on retention, societal impact, and its true purpose — creativity.

Via: Techcrunch Read the full article

[datingadviceonreddit]

So this girl, let's call her Kathleen, and I are teachers. We met at new teacher orientation. I thought she was beautiful and decided I was going to ask her out the first moment I got. The following week we were allowed into our classrooms to get ready, and I found little excuses to talk to her. She was shy. First week of school we smiled at each other a lot in the halls, That first Friday, there was a happy hour happening at a bar, we both were going, but I went home first to change and eat. Showed up an hour late, she was still there waiting for me. We talked for 20 or so minutes, walked out together, got her number, set up a coffee date. Went out the following week, went well, she struck me as inexperienced but sweet (and dorky). At the end she told me she doesn't date because she's always done her own thing, but maybe I can change her mind. I found it odd, she didn't strike me as "strong independent woman", she just reinforced my previous thought: inexperienced. But I decide why not, we have good chemistry and she's gorgeous and dorky. (Other odd part: I tried to hug her, and the girl literally jumped a step back)Except I ask her to hang/go out a couple more times in the next couple of weeks, and she just tells me "Maybe, I'll let you know". Gets to the point where the week after Labor Day weekend, I just ignored her because I was so upset. We're talking like, a couple of times she'd be walking by me in the hall, try to say something, and I wouldn't even acknowledge her. The next week I decided to at least be friendly, and the first time I talked to her again her face just lit up. We slowly drifted back to what we did before, me hanging out in her room after school and talking.I ask her out again start of October. This time she says yes, we set it up for midweek, October 12th, to go eat pizza. I'm not sure if she planned on following through, but I crossed my fingers. Day of, she's dressed cute, looks like she's going on a date. After school, she has a meeting with other first grade teachers, I say no prob, I'll be in my room working. Around 4 (over an hour after dismissal), we talk for a second, she's still working with Audrey, her best friend at work, I'm like ok, I'll just finish more things here. 4:45 rolls around, I get antsy and bored, decide to pack up and go downstairs to wait for her. And she and Audrey are gone. We talk the next day and she tells me she's not sure it's a good idea for us to go out when we work together. I told her I just want us to be cool. Cue a week of just awkwardness and anxiety, both of us making every effort not to look at each other. But her name kept cropping up in the most random places, I took it as a cue that I needed to talk to her and let her know I'm not upset. So I found some little school related thing to talk to her about, and that broke the ice.November comes along, and once again we start drifting back to the same old, talking in her room after school. Except now we're spending anywhere between 20 minutes and an hour talking nearly daily. And even though I ask her out a few more times and she keeps saying we're coworkers or "Maybe", we only grow closer to each other, emotionally, and start getting flirtier and flirtier. There were even a couple of days I was gone, and she texted me saying she hadn't seen me around and hoped I was ok (I think she missed me).December starts, and we hit a new peak. First Monday of the month, after a meeting after school, I go talk to her as usual, and she breaks down crying to me about the job and how she's not sure she's teaching her kids anything. I comfort her, and from that point on she just liked me even more. Kathleen's similar to me in that you can tell what we're thinking/feeling just by looking at our faces/body language, and it was just so obvious with her. As we get closer to Christmas, I decide to get her a small gift, a little wooden sign that says "All you need is love...and a horse" (she loves horses). She loves it, but also says "I don't know why you'd do this"The next week after that was our last week before winter break, and my birthday, the 22nd, was the very last day of school before break (she knew it was my birthday, too). That week something seemed off about her, suddenly our convos were choppy, and whereas in the past she'd be like "Hey, I'm gonna go ask Audrey something" and come back a minute later, now she was leaving and not coming backAnyways, my birthday goes like this: she doesn't wish me a happy birthday, and after school, after dismissal, principal asks to talk to me in her office. Turns out that somebody "had noticed you spending a lot of time with Kathleen after school". Basically, she told me to leave her alone. I was confused as hell, to say the least. Still went to happy hour with the rest of the staff. Ended up sitting not far from her and Audrey. The whole time she avoided looking at me. At one point Audrey announced to people around them that Kathleen had just started seeing her (Audrey's) boyfriend's little brother. I just played it off like whatever and enjoyed myself, like if you looked at both of us, you'd think she was the one who'd gotten a talking from the principal, not me. A bit before I left someone let slip it was my birthday, the teachers all sang me happy birthday, including Kathleen, who continued to not look at me while she sang.And I legitimately thought it was all over. I went home that day believing that was it, I could finally move on. I installed a couple of dating apps and tried meeting new people, but nobody really that caught my eyeExcept we come back from break, and I catch her glancing at me from down the hall sometimes. We don't talk at all, she makes an effort not to look at me, but towards the middle of the month her kids start asking me to come play with them in the gym for indoor recess, so I do, and I'd catch her watching me and the kids from across the gym, smiling, playing with her hair (that's one of her biggest giveaways, she starts playing with her hair and fidgeting with her necklace and stuff). We still don't talk, but February starts and we start exchanging a few words here and there and at least making eye contact. I add her on FB a bit before V-day, and find out she's single. Things continue to defrost, but we don't really talk. Her kids start asking me to come to Fun Fridays with them at the end of the day on Fridays while my kids are in music, and again, she'd smile at me and the kids and stuff while I was in thereExcept at the beginning of March, she posts on Facebook that she's in a relationship with a guy. And again, I think it's all over. Except it isn't. Because in the past few weeks she's been finding little excuses to talk to me (it's always school stuff, but still). And sometimes at dismissal she'll randomly wander over and stand near me. Hell, last Thursday I ran into her and her class in the hall in the morning during their bathroom break (my kids were in another class), and again, I talked to her and her face lit up and she started getting all fidgety and making sure her hair looked ok. Friday, again, I went to Fun Friday with her kids, and again, smiles and stuff. This week so far has been a bit more of the same, smiles here and there, her finding excuses to be around mePersonally, I think she's legit nervous about the coworker thing. As for the boyfriend? Turns out he's a college junior who goes to school a couple of hours away. I've got my own take on this, but I'd like to hear from you guys first via /r/dating_advice