#people were dumping water on the skellys to make them go away. good thing is they didnt come into your house

[whoa-where-did-the-pancakes-go]

What does it mean when u have a dream about living skeletons overrunning your neighborhood

[specialmindz]

“Mmm *POMP!* this some good milk, Snas,” said Papyrus, shuffling around in his brother’s makeshift backpack. It wasn’t very comfortable, but as long as he didn’t have to crawl…

“eh, i prefer hot chocolate myself,” replied Sans. “glad you like your milk baby bro, i was worried about how it’d do in the microwave cause’ of all the chemicals, but you’re not dead yet so…”

“Daddy say is okay to put mah super milk in da’ mikeywave…or is I baby guinea pig?” Papyrus narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

“guinea pigs are cute pap!”

“…”

Sans blew on his hot chocolate for what seemed like the sixth time. He didn’t put his drink in the microwave like Papyrus’s, he preferred to use boiled water as the cold weather of Snowdin usually cooled it off without him having to do anything.

Today though, they weren’t going to Snowdin, plans had changed.

Alphys had always had a messy workspace, but the Nursery, according to her, was in worse shape. FAR worse shape. She didn’t mind the broken toys scattered everywhere seeing as it wasn’t her room, but the fact that the toys came from the Dump meant they smelled terrible. Sans and the rest of the family were either nose-blind to it, or simply didn’t care, but Alphys couldn’t stand it. She complained weekly about the stench, claiming it was getting worse and worse, seeping from underneath the Nursery door and distracting her from work, but no one would do anything about it.

Today, SHE took the initiative and decided to spray the Nursery with every air freshener they had, making it impossible and even dangerous to sleep in the room; that meant that not only did they have to find a new place to sleep, but Baby Papyrus also missed his nap.

Not good.      

“You an idiot,” mumbled the cranky infant, unhappy to be a baby guinea pig.

“whatever.”

“Lazy idiot stink head with stupid broke gloves…”

“heh ha! they’re not broke pappy, that’s how they’re SUPPOSED to look. these are fingerless gloves,” explained Sans, hoping to laugh away his irritation. Papyrus wasn’t having it though.

“Your gloves dumb like you.”

“they’re not dumb! i think they make me look cool…”

“They make you look homeless. I half aspect you to be shaking a tin can around, asking for monies.”

“Screw you, Papyrus.”

“Is I your bindle, big Buther? You’s supposed to carry me on a stick…”

“SHUT UP, PAPYRUS.”

“Can you do da’ har-mon-ica? Pay a song for the baby.”

The young comedian quickened his pace towards the Resort Area. “i’ll pay you a beating, you keep mouthing off,” mumbled Sans under his breath.  

“Ooooh, Buther think he tough now cause’ he gots biker gloves! Nyeh heh heh, what gang you from, Snas? Pussies of Anarchy? Renegade Rejects?”

San didn’t reply, he merely pushed open the doors of the Resort and went inside, not wanting to travel all the way to Snowdin’s hotel or teleport whilst carrying his brother in a bag rather than his arms. He knew for a fact that anything touching his body would travel with him, but what about the things that weren’t? Or the things he wasn’t holding on to purposely?

It’s not like I’ve ever lost anything in my pockets when I take my shortcuts, but I still don’t feel comfortable with something so precious in such a flimsy bag…

“Harlem’s Asshats?”

Hm…maybe “precious” isn’t the right word to use for Pap.  

Sans grimaced as Papyrus continued to complain and come up with more insulting gang names. He himself was a complainer when HE didn’t get enough sleep, but Papyrus?

“Big-butted Bums of Bloomington!”

His brother REALLY sucked when he missed his nap. He was loud, angry, and mean. Babies weren’t supposed to miss their daily naps and baby bones already had hot tempers to begin with…

TA-TAP, TA-TAP!

The Receptionist, a monster with a giant hand in place of her head, tapped her red painted nails on the counter impatiently, a strange sight for those who weren’t used to seeing it. “Do you need a room you two?”

TA-TAP, TA-TAP!

“No, I needs a doctor cause’ Snas give me irradiated milk!” Papyrus tried to point his finger accusingly at his brother, but found it next to impossible in his current position, so instead he threw his bottle on the ground.

“NYEH!”

CAP, CAP!

It bounced along the tile floor, empty despite his whining, and rolled to a stop before a janitor, who kindly picked it up. “Ah-hawww, looks like you’ve got a fussy baby on your hands!” chuckled the employee, returning the bottle.

CAP, CAP, CAP!

“HAHAHAHA!”

“PAPYRUS! i’m so sorry sir-”

“Oh, don’t be, it’s what I get paid for after all! It’s best you get that little guy to bed though…”

“NOT TIRED!”

Sans took the bottle from the janitor and put it in his pocket. Even if his brother were telling the truth, he knew the Lying Font was still going to ACT tired, and a tired baby was a cranky baby. For Papyrus, a missed nap was all the excuse in the world to be a douche, and Sans would rather fork over 400g then listen to his crap.

Lucky for us, children get discounts.

TA-TAP, TA-TAP!

“STOP HEADBUTTING DA’ TABLE NAIL LADY! IF AZZY NOT ALLOWED TO, YOU NOT ALLOWED TO!”

“E-excuse me?”

“just ignore him, miss-”

“When Azzy be small like me, he used to headbutt the desk. You not remember Nail-Lady? You was all like, ‘STOP ATTACKING THE DESK GOAT-BABY!’ and Moo-Mom say, ‘HOW DARE YOU YELL AT MAH BABY LIKE DAT!?’ and then Fluffy Buns say ‘settle down now ladies, is not that serious,” said Papyrus, voice acting each line. He’d been doing that a lot as of late, trying to “perfect his mimicry for when he got big” and by extension, he ended up disturbing those unfortunate enough to hear him. Asgore’s loud booming voice coming from such a small baby was…eerie…and it was even worse when he decided to imitate Sans...

The receptionist doesn’t have a face, but I bet she’s as uncomfortable as I am right now.

…

…

How do I get bro to stop talking though?

“…Then you got all mad Nail-Lady and say ‘HE DO DIS ERYTIME HE HERE! WHY YOU CAN’T CONTROL YO’ KID? ERYBODY ELSE CONTROL THEIR KID! YOU THINK JUST CAUSE’ YOU THE KING YOU CAN DESTROY? NOT ERYBODY WICH LIKE YOU!”

“…I actually DO remember,” said the receptionist. “Someone, who used to do that. Yes…there was a small child with an entitled mother who used to headbutt and jump atop the furniture…”

Who was that?

“Yep! I’s there too with Chara, so I knows! You and the Moo Lady used to argue about discounts-”

“Oh my goodness, you’re right!” the woman suddenly remembered. “There was a woman who claimed she should only have to pay the regular 400g because you weren’t her child and THEN she got upset when I AGREED and asked you for 200g-”

“HOW YOU GONNA ASK A BABY FOR MONIES? BABIES SHOULD GET IN FREE! YOU DOESN’T EVEN GOTS CWIBS!”  

“That’s EXACTLY how it went, every single time. It was always the same argument.” The monster, who prided herself on her professionalism, could feel herself getting angry all over again, her old forgotten hatred bubbling to the surface. She couldn’t stand the Royal Family. The Entitled Mother, the Spinless Husband, the Destructive Child…and if she recalled, the human they adopted was an actual thief…

“Yep, and Chara was all like ‘don’t be a bitch, bitch’ and da’ Cow Lady say ‘I agwees, but I doesn’t ah-pea-ciate yo’ language my child,’ and Chara go ‘I was talking to youuuu-”

“hey pap-”

“Fluffy Buns smacked them right on the butt! It was funny.”

“Yes…Chara was their name…the thieving human who kept getting in trouble with security. They would go into other people’s rooms and take their things like it was okay and the mother-”

“She say, ‘Oh Chara just curious, you should be more patient wit yo’ customers! Da’ world of monsters be new to them ya’ know? They just a child…!”

“…”

Sans didn’t know how she was doing it, but he could have sworn he heard growling coming from the woman’s direction.

“ha ha…hey uh, bro? let’s just get us a room already, yeah? i’m sure the receptionist here is busy-”

“TWO WOOMS PEAS!” yelled the infant. “One for the baby and one for the Pussy of Anarchy.”

“damnit pap…!”

“Very well, that’ll be 400g then.”

Glaring over his shoulder, Sans forked over the money and headed to their room. “now bro, there are other people in this resort so try not to be a dick, alright? we need to be quiet-”

“WAIT SNAS!” the baby bones picked himself up out of the bag with his wingdings. “I gots to visit the fountain real quick.”

“Oh uh, please don’t urinate in the fountain,” said the receptionist raising a finger. “The rooms have toilets in them.”

“I’s not a gross peepee-baby Nail-Lady, don’t you know a cute widdle skelly when you sees one? I’s looking for coins-”

“Absolutely not!” cried the woman, her tone taking a sudden turn. “This fountain is a memorial to…someone. It is strictly forbidden to gather the coins within, read the sign!” The monster pointed at a sign that said “Stay Out of the Fountain.” Apparently, people were so desperate, they were stealing G from the memorial…

“I NEEDS EM’ TO PAY SNAS BACK!” yelled Papyrus, wondering how much 200g was.

“READ. THE. SIGN. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!” she replied, shouting just as loud. Clearly theft was a daily problem for her.

“heh heh, you don’t need to pay me back lil’ bro, thanks though.”

That was…unexpectedly sweet.

“I’s not a deadbeat big Buther…also, I can’t reads so dat sign don’t apply to me.”

“THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!”

“you do too know how to read, quit your lying pap,” said Sans chuckling.

“I’s not lying, I’s a baby and babies don’t read. Erybody knows that! Isn’t that right Nail- Lady?”

“I just told you what it said, get away from that fountain!”

“Babies also have poor memor-ies. I doesn’t remember what you said,” Papyrus used his wingdings to scoop up a handful of coins and deposited them into his onesie to count later. “I’s very sorry for da’ inco-venience.”

“PUT THOSE BACK OR I’LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TWO TO LEAVE!”

“uh, okay pappy this is getting serious, let’s just put the pretty coins back like the nice lady said…”

“Is serious? THEN WE SERIOUSLY WANT OUR MONIES BACK,” said Papyrus, angrily. Here he was being a good bae, paying back his big brother, (something babies did NOT have to do) and this big person wanted to yell at him?

CLEARLY, she was a baby-hater and didn’t deserve to have such cute guests staying at her gaudy hotel.

“We take back our monies and we go somewhere that ah-pea-ciates sweet babies such as ourselves. Your hotel ugly anyway…too bright, right Snas? We leave.”

“no no no, we don’t need to do that!” said Sans quickly in a panic.

“FINE, TAKE IT AND GO!”

WHAP!

The receptionist slammed the money down on the counter.

I’m so sick of serving thieves…

“wha-ho, lady! let’s just calm down alright? *sigh* geeze…” Sans scratched behind his skull. “why don’t we come to a compromise? that sound good?”

I CAN’T take Pappy to that inn in Snowdin again, I didn’t sleep at all last time!

The comedian winced, remembering the night he spent there with Papyrus. The infant didn’t like the snoring from the other guests in the room.

“Nyeh? Com-per-mize…? Waz dat?”

“it’s a negotiation,” explained Sans. “where arguing people get a little bit of what they want, so everyone’s happy…ish.”

TA-TAP! TA-TAP!

“Okay Snas, I do da’ com-per-mize cause’ I’s a good bae,” said Papyrus sweetly. Seemed he was done acting cranky for the day…or so Sans hoped.

“good boy, pappy! GOOD babies compromise allll the time.”

“No they don’t, but Imma make an ah-ception cause’ I doesn’t like the snoring baes in Snowdin. Remember them Snas? The snoring bunny baes?”

“heh heh, yep, iiiii remember.”

“You can’t tell a sweepy baby to shut the fuk up, cause’ they just babies, so we get no sweep and the Inn lady get all our monies for fee! Is a scam, I KNOWS it!”

“Put the coins back please,” said the receptionist, no longer interested in Papyrus’s stories.

“Kay’. Papyrus picked himself up out of the fountain and waddled over to the counter, his onesie jiggling with coins and leaving a wet trail behind him. I gots a good idea for a com-per-mize Nail-Lady.”

“I thought you were going to put the coins back?”

“Slow yo’ roll woman, we makes a commerize first-”

“compromise’ bro.”

Papyrus ignored him. “I’ll put the coins back like you say…and in return for being a good baby bones, I gets a fee room, kay’? Dat sound like a good commercialize?”  

“…No.”

“*pfft!* papyrus-”

“Why not Nail-Lady? It solve both our problems, yes? Why you so unreason-able?”

The receptionist sighed and hung her head, her energy for the day having been completely drained.

I forgot how terrible this infant was, all he does is talk and make things worse. Why is he even here? Doesn’t he have a mother and father to go home to?

Ugh, he’s still going...

“…Good babies get rewards Nail-Lady, is the law. Dat’s how we learns to be good people’s ya’ know? I do something good…then I gets a reward, then I be good again to get another reward. You see where I’s going with dis?”

“There’s a difference between a reward and a bribe, child-”

“I’s not a child, I’s a baby! How you gonna learn if you no listen? BIG people’s get bribes, BABIES get rewards-”

“bro, stop, it’s okay,” said Sans picking up his brother. “i’ll pay your way and if you really want to return the debt, you can pay me back with your OWN mon-”

“Except ugly babies like Snas, they get nothing.”

“…you know what? nevermind, you can sleep out here like the bum you’re destined to be." He put Papyrus back down.

“I can join your gang…?”

“no, we’re full.”

“Bums of Bloomington full?”

“yyyep.”

“Kick someone out.”

CA-CLACK!

The receptionist pressed the security button underneath her desk.

“why should i? you don’t have biker gloves and you’re mean.”

“Baby not mean! Also, I’s family and family comes first. Kick someone out.”

“no.”

CLANK, CLANK, CLANK!

The two boys stopped fighting and grew silent as a giant knight in black armor approached the counter.

“*Yawn* ………Is there a problem ma’am?”

“Yes, there is,” replied the receptionist. “That baby is stealing from the fountain…and apparently the other one is in a gang-”

“what? no i’m not! papyrus is lying!”

“Nope, is true all right. My big Buther a rebel! He drive his motorcycle around at night when is bedtime.”

“no i don’t, shut up papyrus!”

“……...Is this true?”

Sans gave the knight an irritated look, “why don’t you tell me? why don’t you tell me where i can ride a motorbike without filling the underground with carbon dioxide? why don’t you tell me where i can get one whose pedals i can even reach? where i can get one PERIOD-”    

“……...You don’t need to be a smartass.”

“…”

“………Please return the coins.”

“…”

“Why you gots so many ellipses in yo’ text Knight-Lady? You sweepy too?” The baby bones crawled over to the sleepy giant and gave her the coins in his onesie. “Here you go Heavy-Lady, now you can affords to sweep like us!”

“that’s very sweet, pappy-”

Papyrus turned to the receptionist, “NOW baby gets a fee room?”

“*sigh*”

Damnit bro…

“…No.”

“Nyeh? Why not? I WAS GOOD, GOD DAMNS IT!”

“Get out.”  

“NYEHHHHAAAAHHHH!!”

“papyrus, you don’t need to scream-”

KA-CHUR-GERGERGER!

Taking out a coin pouch, the knight poured some G onto the receptionist’s counter, “…400g right?”

“You don’t have to do that Knight Knight-”

“Yes, I do,” replied the armored monster, handing over the coins Papyrus gave her. “It’s a knight’s duty to help those in need…and we live in times where money is scarce…” She looked down at the skeletal children. “…Remember these words well…following the rules may make others happy and keep the peace, but if it comes at the cost of your or another person’s survival…ignore them.”

“…”

“…”

And with that, Knight Knight walked back to her post, leaving the receptionist alone with the two brothers.

The hand monster wasn’t angry anymore, in fact, she felt a bit guilty and embarrassed over her previous behavior. It was true that the coins in the fountain were people’s wishes…and it was part of her job to make sure people treated those wishes and the memorial with respect, but when looking at the big picture and thinking about WHY so many thieves were running about, well, it was clear who the bad guy was.

“I apologize for my previous behavior,” said the receptionist bowing low. “I’d forgotten that rules were made to help others, not act as bait for the desperate. There’s no point in a memorial if there’s no one left to honor it.”

How many people have starved to death for my job?

She winced and shook her head in an attempt to rid herself of such thoughts. What was done was done, all she could do now was change so it never happened again.

“Is okay Nail-Lady!” said Papyrus petting her back with his wingdings, “It’s your intentions dat count, not what you do.”

“that’s true. as long as you’re at least TRYING to do the right thing, you’re still a good person. mistakes are mistakes, ya’ know? you shouldn’t be punished for something you didn’t MEAN to do, ain’t that right pap?”

“Daz right big Buther! Now give us da’ key.”

“say please.”

“No.”

The woman handed the baby bones, who had taken the liberty of climbing onto the counter, the key to their room. “Please enjoy your stay.”

“YAAAASS! C’MON SNAS, IS TIME FOR YO’ NAP!”

“you mean it’s time for OUR nap, pappy.”

“NOT TIRED!”

As the boys headed to their room, the receptionist left her post and walked towards the fountain, removing the sign.

It was never put up again.

[specialmindz]

“LOOK SNAS! Weaves.” Papyrus held out his gloves to show his brother the handful of wet leaves he had picked off the ground, wearing a big smile…though it was a tad TOO big for Sans liking…  

“yep, those are leaves all right...you’re not gonna eat those are ya’?”

“Course’ not stink head,” said the baby bones, slightly insulted. “Unlike you big Buther, I knows the difference between clothes and food. You think the baby be stupid?”

“i don’t eat trees and those aren’t clothes. trees don’t wear leaves to stay warm, otherwise they wouldn’t be on the ground come winter.”

“They’re hats Snas, and hats are clothes. Twees doesn’t wear them during winter cause’ they all worn out,” Papyrus picked up a leaf. “See dis leaf? It gots holes in it. Not good. They needs new hats.”

“no they don’t, the leaves collect sunlight for them so they can get energy, pappy. There’s holes in them because insects are eating them.”

Apparently, he thinks I’M stupid…

“Not erybody a twee-eating woah-bot Snas…sides’ we’s underground silly bones!”

“i’m not-”

“And the sun don’t go out in winter! Nyeh heh heh!”

Sans gave his brother a look, but stayed silent. He knew full well that his younger sibling was just waiting for him to argue so he could start some kind of drama and he wasn’t going to give the infant the satisfaction. Papyrus knew about the sun lamps that hung from the mountain ceiling and if he wanted to pick a fight about something that stupid, he was going to have to try a little harder than that.

I wish he’d put his energy to good use…I know he’s just a baby, but he’s smart right? He could do some real good for the Underground if he’d just try. Why does he wanna act stupid and annoy people all the time?

“We should be good baes and get the twees some new hats before someone cut them down,” said Papyrus, pulling Sans out of his thoughts. “They moves real slow ya’ know? Like Charlie. I bet Dirt-Butt knows where the hat store be! Is probably in one of those tunnels���a kiosk if baby had to guess.”

Oh yeah, Flowey! I forgot about him, he hasn’t visited us in a while.

Maybe Papyrus ISN’T trying to start a fight after all…maybe he thinks since Flowey’s a monster, ALL plants are monsters…they just can’t talk like he can.

Still feels like he’s messing with me though, why call the leaves hats instead of hair? They grow on top of the trees like hair and hair falls out and I even heard it gets damaged…

An image of Undyne arguing with her mother flashed through his mind. She got in trouble often because she wouldn’t put her hair up before swimming and usually ended up with leaves and other grasses Sans wasn’t familiar with tangled in her bright red locks.

One day she might make a habit of putting it in a ponytail of some sort, but for now, her hair was too short for her to care too much. She was never one to care about her physical appearance; if it wasn’t slowing her down in the water or getting caught on stuff, Undyne simply didn’t and wouldn’t care no matter how much her mother screamed at her.

I’m glad I don’t have hair. As pretty as it is, it looks hard to take care of.

Where is Undyne anyway? She was supposed to meet us here…

“SNAS!”

“huh?” Sans stopped daydreaming and looked down to find a very annoyed baby bones glaring up at him. Apparently, he had missed a question…that, or an entire conversation.      

“uh, sorry. what’s a kiosk?”

“*Sigh* Is a tiny shop dat sells tiny things,” replied the baby holding his fingers close together. “I was talkin’ bout’ how there might be one that sells hats for da’ twees in one of those tunnels.”

“you mean the dog tunnels?”

“Yep! Is a good hiding pace cause’ lossa peoples think branches are the twee’s arms, but is really their roots. They use them to walk and grab stuffs from underground like Dirt-Butt, but you probly already knowed that. Hippie’s be one wit da’ nature! You’s keeping the twee store a secret right? Cause’ is illegal? You help the twees a widdle and they give you a munch on da’ side?”

“what the hell are you talking about papyrus?” asked Sans completely lost.

“You’s leading peoples astray wit yo’ cwazy talk about twees having solar powers so that no one will cut them down and in return, they let you eat their hats.”

Oh good, it’s another one of his conspiracy theories. Those don’t get old at all.

“the only one talkin’ crazy here is you baby bro. i don’t know how dad made you, but something went very wrong.”

“Nope, I’s right all right. You just gots da’ trust issues. You think I’s gonna tell erybody about the store, so you’s lying with the deceit!” exclaimed the baby pointing his finger at his brother accusingly. “Don’t know why you think baby would do dat, I’s always been nice to you and I’s ALWAYS honest, but-”

“bullcrap you’re honest! ain’t nothing ‘honest’ about you!”

“If daz what you think, then your memory be worse then the baby’s!”

“n-”

“You should go ask Daddy to fix yo’ memory brain big Buther.”

Okay he DOES want to start a fight.

“my memory’s fine and you know it. you lie about everything. you told me the mountain was made out of dinosaur poop!”

“It is!”

“it’s not.”

“Is too! Daz why all mountains are big and pointy and stuffs grow on them. Is cause’ doody be good fer-ti-lizer. Dis mountain don’t smell no more cause’ is been a gazillion years is all…”

“you’re so full of crap.”

“Nuh uh, ask the baby bear dat lives here, he know! He tell me humans climb doody mountains like dis allll the time looking for bears, so they can injects em’ with stuff dat turns them into candies.”

“i doubt he even knows you.”

“He do, he know me and he tell da’ baby dat the serum stuffs make all their fur fall out and turns their bodies into gummies. It shrink them too Snas! Like, reeeal small, till’ they can fits in yo’ hand. Humans call the candies Gummy Bears and they puts em’ on their nice cream.”

“gummy bears huh? shame. that’s not a very creative name pap, and you were telling such a great lie too.”

“I’s NOT lying! I gots poof, see?” Papyrus pulled a bag of…something, out of his jacket and held it up proudly. “It say ‘Gummy Bears’ and inside be widdle dead bears that got caught stealing pic-i-nic baskets. Dis what bears get for stealing big Buther…they doesn’t go to jail cause’ they strong enough to bend da’ bars.”

“eww! put that down papyrus, it’s dripping!”

“NO! These MY gummies! Go find yo’ own Snas!”

SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF!

Papyrus ran through the snow as best a baby bones could in a vain attempt to protect his gummies from his hungry hippo brother, but the snow was FAR too deep for such a tiny thing like him he realized, as he noticed Sans walking beside him nonchalantly with his hands in his pockets.

Fine then, Plan B.

Rolling onto his back, he began kicking in the air, holding onto his bag of candy protectively. “If you think taking candies from dis baby gonna be easy, we’ll see what you think after yo’ teeths go missing, NYEH!”

“you’re gonna get sick bro.”

“I PUT YOU IN DA’ MEDICAL WING FIRST! You weave mah gummies alone stink buther, YOU GOTS YOUR HATS!”

Teleporting behind his sibling, Sans grabbed the bag with the shrieking baby bones still attached. He didn’t know HOW Papyrus had managed to eat so many things from the Dump without getting sick, but the comedian’s paranoia was starting to get to him. Monsters that couldn’t handle the poisonous fumes from the volcano in Hotland were dropping like flies and being sent to their Medical Ward in the lab, never to return; in fact, NO sick monsters were returning from the Medical Ward, despite some of their illnesses not being all that serious.

It’s because we’re so low on magic crystals.

The medicines we use are made from plants that need sun lamps like these to live, but without the crystals to provide the electricity...

“…i hope WE don’t get sick…”

Papyrus stopped screaming for a second. “Nyeh?”

Uh oh, what was Sans thinking about NOW? Obviously, his mind was no longer on the bag of Gummy Bears…or on how cruel he was being, taking candies away from cute little skelly babies such as himself.

He seemed to be fixated on the sun lamps above them, glowing dimly, definitely not as bright as last month. Papyrus didn’t really know how the lamps worked, or at least he didn’t remember anyway, but he knew why they were dim. They had to turn the power down to conserve what little energy they had left.    

“Why you worried bout’ the fake suns Snas? You still gots da’ fake sparklies in Waterfall…”

“*sigh* you…you don’t understand bro. the plants we use…they need these lights to live. if they go out, we won’t have any more medicine or even foo-”

Oh shit.

“GASP! NO FOOD?!”

“papyrus.”

Aw crap, I shouldn’t have said anything.

“BUT YOU NEEDS FOOD!” exclaimed Papyrus, dropping to the ground and putting his hands to his cheekbones. “WHAT YOU GONNA DO IF THERE NO PLANTS FOR YOU TO MUNCH HIPPIE WOAH-BOT BABY? YOU CAN’T WIVE OFF MILK LIKE I DOS!”

“you don’t live off milk, i’ve seen you eat other…you were just trying to eat this garbage!”

“Don’t worry Snas! We gonna go find Dirt-Butt and get him to tell the twees the sit-u-ation-”

“I DON’T EAT TREES!”

“We gonna get him to tell the twees in their language that times have changed. Like an old diaper, IS TIME TO DO AWAY WITH PAST TRADITIONS AND WELCOME DA’ NEW!”

“what the hell are you talking about?”

“NO LONGER SHALL THEY LIVE THEIR WIVES AS NUDISTS!” cried Papyrus, pumping his fist into the air.

“the hell do you know what a nudist is? we don’t watch videos like that!”

“NO LONGER SHALL THEY ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE SECOND CLASS PEOPLES AND DEPEND ON OUR FAKE SUNS FOR WARMTH!”

“iii don’t think you understand how trees OR sun lamps work baby bro…”

“THEY SHALL FIGHT FOR THEIR INNAPENDENCE! Tell em’ Dirt-Butt.”

“WE SHALL FIGHT FOR OUR INDEPENDENCE!”

“NO, no one’s fighting ANYONE, and get outta here flowey! where’d you even come from?!”

Poking his head out from behind a tree, Flowey leapt up onto a nearby stump and began his trademark wiggling dance, equipped with a smile. “I heard the brat say my name a couple minutes ago. Usually, that means something terrible is about to befall me in the near future, so I thought I’d stick around and learn what that something was beforehand, so as to avoid any trauma…wasn’t aware this was a pep rally though.”

“it’s not. like i said, no one’s fighting anybody, pap’s just being dumb.”

“YOU DUMB! They are gonna fight Snas! monsters be cutting power from the high lamps so big peoples can have their coffee, and they cuts twees down for firewood if their hats not pretty enough! DIRT-BUTT’S PEOPLE BE OPPRESSED!”

“YEAH SMILEY, MY PEOPLE ARE OPPRESSED!”

“THEY WANTS EQUAL RIGHTS!”

“WE WANT VENGENCE!”

“THEY WANTS RESPECT!”

“WE WANT BLOOD!”

“THEY WANTS A BRIGHTER FOOTURE FOR THEIR BABIES!”

“WE WANT A NEW WORLD ORDER!”

“you two are NOT on the same page.”

“DOWN WIT DA’ RACIST MONSTERS AND THEIR RACIST WAYS! VIVA REVOLUTION!”

“viva-what…?”

“GENOCIDE GENOCIDE!!”

RUSTLE!

RUSTLE!

“Hm?” Flowey turned his head towards a tree that had yet to lose most of its leaves upon hearing something rustling within. Squinting his eyes didn’t do him a bit of good in finding out just who the shadowy figure lurking amongst the branches was, but the text that appeared when they spoke…and the voice that accompanied it, were all the hints he needed to get him rolling them in IMMEDIATE annoyance.

“GET THE HELL OFF ME PEDO-TREE! LET GO OF MY HAIR!”

Oh good, it’s Fish Breath. I was waiting for someone to ruin my day…

“Nyeh? Where you going Dirt-Butt?”

“GODDAMNIT!”

“Yeaah, I forgot, the trees and I juust passed this new law that says no hanging out with dorks…sucks huh?”

“…”

“…”

“Oh don’t you two look at me like that! You know I voted against it, but we plants run a democracy sooo…duces dorks! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

And with that, Flowey vanished into the ground just as Undyne came tumbling down the tree.

“OOF!”

“undyne!” Sans dropped the bag of gummies and ran over to help her up. “don’t touch that bag bro! undyne, are you alright?”

“Ow…STUPID TREE! YOU’RE LUCKY ALL THESE HATS BROKE MY FALL OR I’D KICK YOUR ASS!”

Sans stopped.

“Um, hello? Aren’t you gonna help me up? I’M A LADY DAMNIT!”

“*Mamph* I’ll helps you *gulp* Fish Lady!”

“I’m just kidding Papyrus, I’m okay, I’m fi-no…no Papyrus, don’t-don’t touch me, go. Go. Over. There. Go to your brother.”

“You wants some of these candies? They’re good…”

“No, they smell gross and they’re dripping with gay water,” said Undyne, pushing Papyrus towards Sans.

“Is okay! I heard-ed somewhere that the rainbow water only affects froggets…”

“pappy-”

“Why? Because they’re water monsters? Well so am I, so I can’t eat stuff from the Dump.” She looked around the wooded area. “Where’s that one guy that was shouting about homicide? I know there was someone else here!”

Did he climb up a tree like I did?

“genocide, not homicide. Flowey left awhile ago. As soon as you fell out of that tree as a matter of fact…why WHERE you up there anyway?”

“I was on a stakeout, looking for that one kid that likes to get mad at people when they don’t find him funny. Snowdrake or whatever his name is.” She scanned the area again with her one good eye; there was DEFINITELY someone else here before. She wouldn’t mistake an annoying high-pitched voice like that for Sans or even Papyrus.

Where could they have gone so quickly?

“what, snowdrake? why?! snowdrake isn’t a criminal! he gets mad when people don’t like his puns, but he doesn’t ATTACK people!”

Often…

Undyne glared at him, but Sans refused to back down. Snowdrake was one of the few people he HOPED he could become friends with in time. He didn’t seem to care about how dangerous his little brother was, only that Sans enjoyed his jokes. Apparently, his father was a comedian and had been for several years, but the two didn’t get along because of one singular problem Snowdrake had. He didn’t understand comedy. He enjoyed puns like Sans, but he couldn’t seem to grasp the concept of what they were for and he often got angry whenever people didn’t find him funny.

To be honest, his temper tantrums were an embarrassment to Sans, but he hoped in time he’d grow out of it, and he damn sure wasn’t going to ruin everything by ratting him out to Undyne so she could play hero…  

“HE’S DISTURBING THE PEACE SANS! HE’S DISTURBING THE PEACE OF OUR PEACEFUL COMMUNITY AND MUST BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE! Though it sounds like I found an even BIGGER problem in our community…”

“a bigger problem?”

“A poacher of endangered monsters! Where did this genie-killer go Sans? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME OR YOU’RE AN ACCOMPLICE!”

The Font stared at her for a moment, torn between being relieved that her attention had been drawn elsewhere and being annoyed with having to once again deal with another big plate of stupid so early in the morning. “what genie-killer? genies don’t even exist. i said GENO-cide, not genie-cide. you heard wrong.”

“I don’t think so. Another name for genies is ‘djinn’ and it’s pronounced the same way. I’m not stupid Sans! I don’t read nerd books, but I study the law and stuff! GEN-ocide or DJINN-ocide, however you want to spell it, is the murder of GENIES-”

“no.”

“And genies are a rare breed of ghost monster that possess an object and come out only to grant wishes-”

“no.”

This is a VERY big plate of stupid.

“THAT’S why poachers are after them. If bad people make bad wishes, it could destroy the world, so they hunt them down. Your friend might THINK he’s doing everyone a favor, but he’s still a murderer if he kills one-”

“genies do not exist.”

“*Nom* Nowheres but the Middle East anyways.”

“…”

“…”

“…what?”

Papyrus reached into his bag. “The word ‘djinn’ is Arabic. That mean genies come from da’ Middle East…dat’s where Egypt be big Buther. Is in da’ middle of the earth…but also a widdle east,” he popped a gummy into his mouth. “I doesn’t know if they come from Saudi Arabia or Iraq, but they definitely not live here. They be used to desert environments ya’ know? It be too cold in da’ Massachusetts.”

“How did you spell that…?”

“the only word i recognize there is ‘egypt.’ that…place you keep talking about.”

“Well maybe if you read-ed books about our panet instead of about sparklies all the time, you’d know somethin’.”

“we don’t HAVE books like that.”

Not even in the library. Everyone left for Mt. Ebott at such short notice, they just brought what they had on them. Most of the books come from what the kids had in their backpacks when they…

Wait a minute…

“Daddy do. He gots allll da’ info on stuffs. He taked all the important books out the library for himself and the baby! He say the bigger I gets, the more memories I lose, so I gots to read lots! He say I can’t let YOU read them though, cause’ you might leave and travel da’ world without me, but I know you not do that. You can read mah books whenever you wants ALL you wants…”

“wait hold on, you have a memory problem?”

This was news to Sans.

Assuming it wasn’t a lie of course.

It was true he hadn’t been paying much attention to Papyrus much to his shame, what with worrying about their future and all, but when he did, he noticed there WERE, in fact, instances where he would question his baby brother’s intellect, or at the very least, his mind.

There was once a time when Sans and paranoia were inseparable. He would question everything his brother said and did, knowing he was the Lying Font, and always assuming Papyrus was messing with him, he would prepare for the worst or simply flat out ignore the baby bones; but things had long since changed. Nowadays, it was difficult to tell whether or not the infant believed his own lies and that made weeding them out in general that much more difficult. His father warned him:

“Papyrus is the king of deceit. As he grows older his lies will become more intricate and deadly."

An intimidating message that seemed less laughable as the months flew by.

He thought it’d be easy…for HIM at least, to tell when his brother was lying, because he spent the most time with him, but the reality was, his sibling was changing right before his eyes and Sans couldn’t decide if he was getting dumber or cleverer. According to his father, the Papyrus fonts were the world’s greatest actors because they were METHOD actors; walking, talking, even thinking like the characters they tried to portray. They were the only people on earth who could pretend to be somebody else for years if not forever without going completely insane, because they had no set personality and weren’t aware that they’re lying not only to everyone around them, but to themselves included…but SANS’ brother had Wingdings, meaning there was enough there…enough personality to have a second font anyway, and that drove the comedian insane.

I know my bro’s a genius; he knows about trees.

DOES he have a memory problem?

Did he forget what leaves are? Or how sun lamps work?

…

Or is he just pretending to be an ordinary baby who doesn’t understand how the WORLD works yet?

He’s lying. He has to be lying. He’s lying right? He’s just pretending to have memory problems so his future lies will seem more innocent. “Oh, I didn’t MEAN to lie when I said the wind on the surface sometimes picked up houses and threw them at people big Brother! I just forgot how wind works cause’ I have memory issues!”

Lying little shit.

…

…

He’s lying right?

“…for real pap, do you really have memory problems?”            

“Yep. I used to know erything a baby needed to know to be big, but now there be things I gots to understand all over again. It suck monkey big Buther…” Papyrus looked sad, but Sans couldn’t tell if it was because he was telling the truth, or because he had run out of those disgusting gummies of his. The infant tilted the bag upside down, spilling the garbage juice within onto the snowy ground near his boots. “All gone…nyeh…”

“ugh…bro…”

Seriously, what’s in that baby formula of his?!

“EWW! WHY’D YOU DO THAT? SANS GET YOUR BROTHER!”

Sighing, he did as he was told. “c’mere pap, let’s go get some real food at grillby’s,” he said, tucking the infant under one arm.

“Gillby’s? Dat stink pace wit da’ frog food? How bout’ no? Put baby down, I eats things at the Dump, not things that BELONG at the Dump.”

“wh-you love hamburgers!”

“Yeah! Hamburgers are GREAT! If you don’t like Grillby’s food, YOU DON’T BELONG IN THIS COUNTRY! Right Sans?”

“I loved em’ good before I knowed they be made of frog…and you doesn’t even know what country we in, so shut it up clown fish with the racism, or Imma tell mah Daddy!”

“YOU’RE A CLOWN FISH, AND I’M NOT SCARED OF YOUR DAD! I’M NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING!!”

“hamburgers aren’t made of frogs bro-”

“What-”

“OR froggets.”

“…They slimy dough…you shouldn’t give slimy stuffs to widdle babies Snas, we gets it in our hairs…”

“it’s not slime-”

“Don’t you care about my hairs…?”

“OH MY GOD! IT’S GREASE, NOT SLIME AND IT’S DELICIOUS!” yelled Undyne hurling a large rock across the woods.

“hey, watch it! you’re gonna hurt somebody!”

“Grease be a movie Fish Lady. I don’t wish to nibble on greased lightning, I’ll gets elly-cuted…electra-cuted. Then Gillby will serve me as da’ baby back ribs and peoples will love it…cept’ they won’t love it cause’ there only be one serving cause’ there only be one me. The customers probly think, ‘why dis one guy get the baby ribs and we don’t? why we not special like him? I not eat here no mores!’ Then Gillby get no more customers and he go out of business…and that will make big Buther sad.”

“…”

“He like the frog food even dough is not healthy for a hippie woah-bot…unless you’s just eating da’ lettuce. You no eat the frog patty Snas? What you do wit dat frog patty?”

“It’s not frog, it’s cow…or magic. Magic cow…? Hey Sans, what are hamburgers made of?”

“it doesn’t matter, he doesn’t care. he just wants your attention-”

“IS MOO-COW? LIKE AZZY’S MOM?”

“Uhh…yeah…?”

Who’s Azzy? He doesn’t go to my daycare…

“Ooooh…still, I doesn’t wish to eat at Gillby’s. I thanks you for the invitation Snas, but I’s trying to get big as in tall, not big as in you.”

“go die in a fire papyrus.”

“Daz rude.”

Deciding on silence, Sans teleported to Grillby’s. Perhaps a burger would keep his baby brother quiet for a while…

…

…

…

“HEY SANS YOU JERK! YOU LEFT ME BEHIND!”

SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF!

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO INVITE ME AND PAY FOR MY MEAL, MAMA SAID!!”

Or maybe it wouldn’t be so quiet after all.  

[specialmindz]

“well would ya’ look at that? there’s someone in the water bro!”

“Yep, I sees em’.”

“do you know who that is? who is that pappy, hm? who is that?”

“A baby.”

“heh heh heh...”

He’s so cute...

“i KNOW it’s a baby papyrus-”

“A very DEAD baby.”

“...”

okay maybe not THAT cute...

“what uh, what makes you think they’re dead pap? dead people turn to dust.”

“Is a HUMAN baby. Probably Chinese.”

Sans sighed. “i’m not sure what a chinese is, but i’m preeetty positive you’re being racist again.”

He kicked a nearby stone into a different puddle, annoyed. It had only been ten minutes in Waterfall and he was already wanting to go home.

“why do you say these things bro? we hear enough racism from dad, i don’t want you to turn out like him...”

“But is true dough!” insisted Papyrus. “They throw their babies away all da’ time! They only like widdle boy babies such as myselves cause’ they be the only ones to pass on the family name and stuff. I bet there be a lot of skelly babies in the water over there too. China be a good pace to find hunnies.”

“...”

“Hello hunnie baby! Does you like what you see?”

“pfft! pap-”

“LOOK SNAS, SHE SMILING AT ME! Nyeh heh heh...what’s happening baby girl? I likes your rain coat! Why don’t you come out the water and share my umbrella?”

“HEH HEH HA HA HA HA!”

Sans howled with laughter as his brother continued smiling into the puddle, waiting patiently for the “baby girl” to come out. Suddenly the day had gotten a lot better. The infant twirled his umbrella nervously, hoping she wouldn’t say anything about already having one of her own; he didn’t want to look stupid in front of Sans...

“Why don’t you come out widdle baby? Is you stuck in da’ mud down there? Is da’ water too deep?”

“i think she’s shy bro! why don’t you go help her?”

“Nyeh? But dat’s deep water big Buther! I can’t swims in da’ deep water without mah floaties...”

“here, lemme help ya’.”

“NOOOOO! DON’T PUSH DA’ BABY!”

PAFF PAFF!

Papyrus hit Sans with his umbrella, luckily not doing any harm thanks to the comedian’s hoodie.

“woah woah, pap! take it easy!”

“NYEHAAAAHHH! GO WAY!”

PAFF PAFF PAFF!

“alright i’ll back off! just stop hitting me before you kill me, ha ha!”

PAFF!

“Kay’.”

“...”

“Hey Snas, you think the reason she don’t come out is cause’ she don’t like merican’ babies?”

“i doubt it pap.”

“Could you tells her I doesn’t have a gun? She not gonna beweave me if she know my font...”

Sans put his hands over his face. “*siiiiigh* he doesn’t...he doesn’t have a gun.”

Where is he GETTING this stuff?

“Also tells her I won’t blow her up either. She might know I be from Egypt-”

“what are these words you’re using?”

“Is okay girl baby, I’s too widdle to make bombs. My buther do dough-”

“no i don’t!”

“He call them ‘jokes!’ NYEH HEE HEE HEE!“

“....well aren’t you hilarious?”

You little brat.

“Yep, I’s funny as hell! Look Snas! Da’ baby girl be laughing too!” said Papyrus, pointing at the puddle excitedly. “I’s gonna get da’ smooches for sure!”

“yeeep, she digs ya’ alright. *yawn*”

“No Snas! You gots to stay awake and be mah wing-man!”

“your what?”

“You gots to be my wing-man and tell the girl baby all bout’ mah many many ah-com-plishments!”

“accomplishments...?”

What accomplishments?

“uh...yesterday, pappy stuck his foot in his mouth...”

“Yep, is too! I did it easy without falling over! I’s very talented.”

“...and today he tore the eye out of his teddy bear and ate it.”

“One day it’ll be a REAL bear.”

“wh-”

“Yogi gonna get his. Those MY pici-nic baskets...”

Sans shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the next. He didn’t know WHY he was so nervous, it’s not like the baby in the puddle was real or anything, but he still somehow felt embarrassed.

“hey bro, maybe don’t say those things in public kay’?”

It’s one of the reasons we don’t have any friends except Undyne.

“But if I doesn’t then she won’t know how strong and brave I be! She gots to know I can protect her from bears or she won’t marry me Snas!”

“i’m sure the result will be the same regardless of how much you brag.”

“You think she’ll like me anyways? Why? Dis a Dragon baby? You’s a gold-digger?”

“*pfft!* so what if she is? what are you worried about? you don’t got any money, heh heh ha ha ha!”

“Yes I does. Jerry too widdle to go to jail, so we’s back in business!” cheered the baby, pumping his fist in the air.

“NO,” replied Sans firmly. “you stop dealing drugs papyrus; it’s wrong. you know it’s wrong. you shouldn’t take advantage of the addicts in the underground like that.”

“Why not?! Monies should go to people who take care of themselves,” said the infant matter-of-factly. “Druggies are weak Snas. They bring down society and eventually turn into murderers when they gets des-per-ate for da’ drugs and can’t afford them.”

“that’s...that’s not true,” said Sans, but in truth he wasn’t so sure. A lot of killers populated the Underground, ESPECIALLY in the alleys of the Resort Area where the richer monsters ate. Why would the monsters there steal their money instead of food if the G wasn’t for drugs?

“How do YOU know? You doing da’ drugs Snas?!”

“what? no!”

“You’s doing the kistal meth? The angel dust? IS YOU DOING DA’ COCA COLA?!”

“that’s a drink.”

“YOU’S DOING COKE!”

“i don’t even drink coke. YOU’RE the one who eats and drinks stuff from the dump, not me!”

You gross little freak. HOW have you not gotten sick yet?

The comedian had tried, like his father, to keep his brother from eating out of the Dump, but when the baby bones started keeping secret “snacks” in his onesie, he quit, for fear of stinking up the whole nursery.

Maybe I should get Flowey to talk to him.  

Papyrus and Flowey got along great together, to the point where Sans often became jealous of their little fights and arguments. Despite the insults they threw at one another, they had a lot in common when it came to how they viewed the world and the people within it. Maybe the tiny plant COULD talk some sense into him.

I bet he could. I bet if FLOWEY said something, he’d quit. Maybe I should be more like him...?

Sans thought about going around on a daily basis insulting people, including his brother, but quickly brushed it away. There was no way he could do that. Besides, he doubted insult comics would be too popular in the Underground; despite all the killings, people down there still treated one another with respect during the daytime, or at least that was Sans’ perspective. Maybe they were just nice to children...?

But I’m not wearing a striped shirt...

“Is dat why you gots so much junk in yo’ trunk big Buther? Cause’ you’s a junkie?”

Sans snapped back to reality. “what?”

What did he say?

“DAAAADYYYYY, SNAS GOTS DRUGS IN HIS BUTT!”

WHAT DID HE SAY?

“NO I DON’T!”

“I’m telling Daddy you gots coke in yo’ butt!”

“we’re in waterfall and he doesn’t care.”

“I’m telling EVERYONE.”

“do NOT embarrass me papyrus!”

What the hell is his PROBLEM?!

The baby bones looked down into the puddle worriedly.

“Don’t worry widdle girl baby, I doesn’t do da’ drugs, I just sells em’. I doesn’t keep them in mah butt either.”

“i don’t do drugs and she’s not real, that’s just your reflection!”

“You doesn’t do drugs...? Then why you keeps em’ in your butt if not for safe-keeping? Are you trying to prank the doody dogs? You want to get the doggies high when they sniffs your butt?”

“this conversation is over.”

“Nyeh hee hee hee! You’s funny big Buther!”

“I’m leaving.”

Sans teleported away.

“Awww...dat’s a shame. NYEH HEE HEE HEE!”

SPLISH!

Papyrus splashed playfully in the puddle.

This one’s a bit quicker as an apology for last month. I’ve been working on Fonttale 3 for awhile now and I juuust finished chapter thirteen.

Maybe.

I might add more to it, it looks a little short on AO3. I wrote sixteen pages but apparently that isn’t enough for it to look worthy of reading on the site. At least to ME anyway...