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falloutjay · 3 years ago

Note

Stan x anxious/compassionate reader (kind of has a little canon divergence)

After giving up on Wendy (around Season 12), Stan and us start dating, we were always worried about him (no we weren't dating him out of pity, we were just a very anxious person). Some people find of clingy, others find us adorable but We've never left his side:

Ex: We were by his side helping with whales (Whale W)

We were the only one who didn't leave him when he got depression (You're Getting Old/Ass Burgers)

Next to Heidi, we became social pariah because we didn't want to dump Stan (this even made Wendy guilty)

But him moving, really gets to us, the coronavirus makes it worse. We get worried about him, then we start getting worried about everyone else as everything falls apart (Kyle, Kenny, Eric, Butters, Tweek, Craig, Scott, etc.) And we pass out of stress. About waking up in the hospital, we find out, everyone was worried about us. And Stan is the most worried of all, he spends the whole day with us. We tal-no vent about all the happened to the both of us. By the end of it, we agree that whatever happens we'll do it together.

Guess whos back! :D

Well, while it's not my best work, in my humble opinion, I sure hope you enjoy and like it. Again sorry for the delay! ಥ_ಥ

And if it's not that clear, because I know I can write a little cryptic, there is a time skip. You can either have all the show events happen when they are children and have the time skip between Covid and the memories or between you getting together as kids and the memories. Choose however you like! ^^

_________________________________________

Stan x anxious!compassionate!Reader

Tiny eyes watched the scene unfold.

Normally, Wendy was the one to break up with Stan, but not this time around. Stan was actually telling Wendy that he had no interest in her anymore.

“What changed Stan?” Wendy asked, obviously confused.

“I think I like someone else… I don’t know yet…”

Wendy gave him a smile.

“I wish you all the luck Stan, say if you need anything!”

“I will.” And with that, Wendy took off to be with her friends, while Stan turned a corner and told Kyle and Kenny how it went.

Cartman was there too, but he only wanted to know if she cried, because “she would deserve it.”.

You closed your locker and felt your heartbeat like crazy. Ever since you changed school a few months ago, Stan captured your little ten-year-old mind.

He was kind and showed you around when you had no idea where to go. It was a little crush you developed, and you never felt as scared and excited as now, since that Stan had broken off with Wendy.

This newfound feeling almost made you dizzy but you quickly snapped back into reality when you heard your name.

“Y/N?” Stan asked and waited patiently for his answer next to you.

“Oh, sorry, I was thinking, what did you want?”

“Would you maybe like to hang out some time?”

Stan almost got a heart attack when you suddenly squealed but was happy when you managed to get a high-pitched “YES!” out.

“Okay, what are you betting Kenny? Some Pennies or a dead rat?” Cartman almost fell from his chair laughing about his shitty joke, while Kyle and Kenny rolled their eyes.

“Don’t you think it’s weird how clingy they are?” Kyle asked his blonde friend, while they kept watching you and Stan, who were seated at a separate table at lunch.

“Honestly, I think it’s pretty cute.” Kenny said with his muffled voice.

You held his arm and hugged him from the side, while he happy kept on eating his lunch.

Eric, who had now calmed down from his laugh attack eyed the couple critically. “I’m giving them a month max.”

He said lazily and looked around. “I say longer than a year.” Kenny said, throwing a crinkled five-dollar note on the table.

“You two are horrible.” Kyle shook his head before he threw 10 dollars on the table.

“Four months.”

Kenny was a happy man after a year, because despite everyone believing you two would eventually break up, you never did.

You were always by his side, no matter what.

His desire to desperately save whales with the help of a braindead ship crew?

You were always right by his in the interviews he gave.

His horrible depression that even drove Kyle away? No chance, you stood strong and helped him through the whole thing and even help reuniting the gang.

Even during the protest against Skanthunt42, you chose to sit this one out, despite you absolutely hating that the troll photoshopped a dick into your mother’s mouth.

At least you and Heidi got close due to you guys both becoming social outcasts. When Wendy heard this, she was impressed by your dedication and felt somewhat guilty for obviously not trying as much in her former relationship.

Everyone admired your patience and endurance. No matter what obstacle came, you managed to get through it.

“You don’t need to be sad, Y/N. I won't be that far away.” Stan said, holding your hand.

“B-But it's outside of town. You need ages by bike to get there and vice versa.” You said, holding back tears.

Randy walked past you and you desperately pleaded to him.

“Please Mister Marsh, please stay in town!” Randy put the box he carried into the car, before turning to you.

“Real sorry, dear Y/N. This town is…How do I put it… Absolute shit and I really want to get away.”

He patted you on the head and went back into the house to get more boxes.

“Told you, you cant talk to him.” Stan said and shrugged.

“But it’s unfair. We won’t see each other as much anymore.” Stan pressed a kiss onto your cheek, which made you blush intensely.

“Don’t. Worry. I will make time for you.”

With that in mind, you didn’t feel as sad, when the car with the Marsh Family in it left for their new home.

“I will make time for you, my ass.” You mumbled while you sat at a bench near Starks Pond. Letting out a deep sigh, you leaned back and just enjoyed the warmth of the setting sun.

Covid was one hell of a bitch and just had to have this big impact on everyone’s life. Stan and you now saw each other less and less.

It was just a horrible feeling that tainted your heart and made you worry a lot.

Maybe he was feeling just as bad as you are, maybe even more?

Maybe he just didn’t want to tell you how he felt?

Were you maybe a bad partner? Your mind began racing and your train of thoughts became unrailed.

So many bad thoughts manifested themselves and it made you almost gasp for air.

“I need to check on him.” You mumbled getting up from the park bench.

You began walking and you kind of hoped that maybe just the walking would get your mind in check, but sadly it didn’t. Involuntarily you had to think about all the other stuff that happened during this horrible time.

The precious Broship was more fragile than ever. You had become such good friends with Kenny, Kyle and Cartman over time that it hurt you a lot too.

You also saw Covid take a toll on your other friends, like Craig and his group, who now took Cartman into their gang after the split up.

However, that came to be…

The girls were also pretty divided, so hanging out with them meant picking sides which wasn’t your thing, you kinda just want them to get along again.

Everything felt like it was falling apart. Your parents had fights ever so often, all your friends had problems and your beloved boyfriend was stuck on that stupid farm.

God how you hated that stupid farm and Randy.

When he gave you one of those plushies that looked like him, you functioned it into a voodoo doll. But sadly, it didn’t seem to affect him, no matter how many needles you rammed into it.

Your heart felt heavy, and it seemed hard to breathe, but you brushed it aside.

You had already reached the busy streets of South Park and mingled between the newly vaccinated people.

Everywhere you looked, the people seemed happy.

Everyone was happy except you and the people around you… Maybe…You were the problem?

You shook your head. No, you didn’t allow those kinds of thoughts.

You much rather think about Stan. How you miss him and how amazing your dates were.

Oh, how much effort he put into all the small things… Well… At least he did.

Now that you thought about it when was your last date?

It feels like it had been ages. It has been ages. Everything had been ages. Going out with him, hanging out with your friends, your family not fighting… How long has this been the new normal? You can’t help but wonder.

Your heart clenched again. “Stop it, stupid heart.” You mumbled under your breath.

An exhausted sigh escaped your lips when you thought about how you maybe had to walk all the way up to the farm… It would take ages, but you really craved being held by the person you adored so much.

So, you continued walking down through the street when an elder lady stopped you.

“Excuse me, but you look rather sickly, are you alright?” Confused you raised an eyebrow. Did the vaccines make them delusional?

“No, I’m fine.” You answered, somewhat snippy, even when you didn’t know why you were so agitated.

“But you look rather pale, maybe you- I am fine.” You interrupted her and continued your path.

Were all people in this shitty town stupid or- The thought could not be completed, due to you suddenly losing consciousness.

When you woke up again, you immediately recognized one of the Hells Pass Hospital rooms, once your eyes had adjusted to the bright lights. Around the bed were your parents and more importantly Stan and his mother.

“Thank God, you’re awake again!” Your mother said when she went for a hug.

Confused you asked why you were here.

“Well, seemingly you were so stressed out, that your body basically shut down.”

Somewhat shocked you looked around. Was it really a surprise to hear that? Not really, but it still felt odd knowing that it happened.

“Well, I’m glad you’re fine, Y/N.” Misses Marsh commented and smiled warmly at you. She had always liked you and you felt the same. She was always nice to you and you felt like she was the only one with a brain in the family…

Feeling a sudden sensation of warmness on your hand, your eyes darted down to it. Stan held you hand while answering something your dad had asked him.

“Well, Sharon, you wanna accompany us to get some hot chocolate for us all?”

Your mother said with an odd wink, which made you and Stan roll your eyes.

The three adults left the room chatting happily. Stan looked at you with a stern expression, which kind of surprised you.

“I swear, whenever I think I couldn’t get more worried about you, your parents call me, to tell me that you’re in the hospital.”

“Worried? About me? I should be worried about you?” You laughed to which Stan shook his head.

“Listen, everyone has been super worried about you since you seemed so down and just exhausted. Like, Kyle already called me earlier to ask if you’re awake again. I don’t know why you worry about me; I am really fine babe. Promise.”

With that said, the door opened, and your parents came back inside.

“Y/N, the doctor said they would like you to stay the night, so they can check that you’re really alright.” Your father informed you and you were immediately annoyed.

Well, you had no choice but to oblige. Your parents left after an hour, wanting to get you some clothes and other things you’d need.

Sharon also bids her goodbye and so you and Stan were left.

And just like you wished, you got to cuddle with him. He held you close, and you vented to him, how worried you were about everything and everyone, while he told you just how worried all of your friends had been since you were acting so out of character.

“Even Cartman?”

“Yup, even when he would never admit it.” Stan laughed. He held your hand tight, and his content smile never left his face.

“I think we should talk more about feelings and being worried and all that. I know I’m not all that good at it, but I don’t ever wanna have to visit you in a hospital again.” Stan said, giving your hand a squeeze.

“That sounds good. But you gotta accept, I worry a lot, because I care a lot about you, okay?” You said sternly and Stan nodded. You two looked fondly at each other and just enjoyed the time you got.

“Together forever?” You asked and he whispered “Forever.”, before he pressed a sweet kiss onto your lips.

#south park x reader #stan x reader #stan marsh x reader

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distrustedace · 4 years ago

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“Apparently Virgil is a better actor than Roman. Who knew?”

AN: I want to make this into a series but its is going to be shorter then the Janus series. Also it might be a little messy since I am improvising the storyline. I hope this isn't a complete and utter disaster.

“Apparently, Virgil is a better actor than Roman. Who knew?”

Roman found out that his newest lead is going to be a boy. And honestly, he was so excited! Finally, some gay representation in musicals. And this time, Roman knew it was going to be a totally new experience. Yes, the heathers will be girls as always, mostly because the heathers are too iconic to have a gender change. But, the newbie is going to play “Veronica” who’s name change is going to be Verona. Roman, on the other hand, is going to play JD. He wasn’t thrilled about playing a sociopathic kid with daddy issues but he got used to the fact that he had to play the villain. Besides, what's a story without the main antagonist?

Roman strode into the theatre to attend the rehearsals. He didn’t know who got casted for Verona since he missed the auditions for the other character , and completely forgot to check the list of people who got in. So on top of that, Roman was ready to be pleasantly surprised upon seeing his Co star. He suddenly heard a low tone speaking a line out of the musical , “and there is Heather Chandler, head cheerleader and main leader in the trio. And she is a mythic bitch.” Roman, upon hearing that line, immediately knew that his co-star is the greatest fit for Verona, he was instantly thrilled to be working with him. He looked up and saw.. Virgil?

“Wow, I never knew Virgil was the theatre kid.” Roman muttered. He was more than pleasantly surprised at Virgil’s acting skills. His tone of voice was authentic, he stayed on point, saying the words verbatim without the script and…. He looked the part. Especially the emotional aspect, Roman was excited to see that Virgil was better at conveying emotions then he is. It gives him some competition and a fresh new perspective in the world of acting. Roman smiled to himself, “Well, this is going to be a new experience.” He thought.

Virgil, actually felt like a human while playing the part of a fictional character. He wasn’t really antiquated with his emotions. Heck he doesn’t know how anger , fear, happiness or sadness felt like since he barely felt them. The only reason he got into theatre in the first place was because he seemed to only feel them, while playing a fictional character. He hoped to gain a full understanding of his emotions. Sure, he stopped acting by 7th grade in middle school, but he picked it up so he can have a “fun past time.” as his father put it. It was pleasantly enjoyable for him. But his main concern was if Roman would be willing to work with him. He knew that some of the rumors paint Roman to be a massive diva. Of course Virgil wasn’t sold on most of the rumors he heard of in his school, but it gives him small suspicion about Roman. He heard the door open and close and looked up to see Roman. Who was neatly dressed. He had his signature haircut which was combed to the right and gelled. He was always wearing a red jacket with a royal emblem on his chest. It indicated to him that Roman has already committed to pursue a degree in acting in the Chamberlin university, all the way in London , England.

“Ay, it's my greatest star, Roman. How was your day, busy?” the director said.

“Eh, not too busy. You know me, I always get my work done on time.” Roman responded. Virgil noticed the easy tone of his voice. He wondered if someday he can be as calm as Roman. But he was relieved that Roman might be open to working with Virgil. Virgil wanted to make sure he avoids any type of confrontation with his crew members. Infighting within a group can only lead to disaster.

I stepped up to the stage to finally talk to Virgil. “Hello, my name is Roman, and I will be playing the part of JD. Nice to meet you, Virgil, I have heard of you around school.” I said as I headed out.

Virgil gave me an firm hand shake before saying, “

It is nice to meet you too, Roman. I am relieved to have a kind person to be the lead of the show. I wonder, how did you hear of me?” Virgil asked.

“Well, I guess you’re well known for your literary skills. Especially your narrative writing. I am quite impressed by your newest story.” I admitted.

“Oh, I didn’t peg you as the type to read stories like mine. Sometimes they can be too dark for a lot of people. Thank you for reading my stories.” He replied.

Virgil seemed monotonous, but I knew he meant well. I felt excited to work with him.

“Alright, so I assume that you already know the whole script. So, let's skip to rehearsing the “meant to be” number. I want to see how well you can convey Verona’s emotions.” I said

“All is forgiven baby! Come on get dressed. You’re my date to the pep rally tonight!” I recited, with a low but slightly manic tone. As to establish JD’s mental state in the beginning of the song. I needed to convey that JD feels manic, and morbidly happy, but also had to mask his depressed and angry state.

“What! Why?” Virgil recited with a seemingly calm but anxious tone. That was really

Good considering his first line.

“Our classmates thought they were signing a petition! You gotta come out and see what

they really signed.” I recited, making sure to convey madness in the last part of the quote.

“You chucked me out like I was trash. For that you should be dead!” I sang, pausing a little before saying, “ but,but ,but!”

“Then it hit me like a flash. What if high school went away instead!”

I sang, making sure to enunciate the last sentence to seem like JD is slowly spiraling down to insanity. I remind myself to convey the song in a rebellious tone but to have undertones of morbidity.

“Those assholes are the key,” I belted out, before saying, “They’re keeping you away

from me.”

i announciated since the key words needed to be known to the audience. I wanted to show an obsessive side to JD. Since that is his main character trait.

“They made you blind, messed up your mind, but I can set you free!”

I sang out, I growled when I said “messed” to show a small snippet of JD’s rage. As I did that, I made sure to build up the tone of the quote, starting from a normal tone, to an angry tone and then ending off with an easy, calm emotion. I also swiped my hand out while saying messed, to show how mad JD gets when he mentions what happened in the highschool .

“You left me and I fell apart for that you should be dead,”I said, while trying to convey a mix of sadness and anger. I hope I executed that correctly.

“I punched the wall instead, BAM BAM BAM!” I bellowed, wanting to show the pure anger dripping from JD’s quote.

“Then I found you fell apart, and set lose all that truthful shit instead!”I sang out, while chuckling during the truthful part of the quote. I was taking a little artistic liberty with that. I wanted to show how JD is trying to put apart his anger with some humor.

“And so I built a bomb. Tonight,are school is vietnam.Lets guarantee they never see their senior prom.” I finally sang, I loved this quote since it gives me so many creative freedoms. I growled and sang a light but firm tone. After ending with a joyous high note. I noticed that virgil dropped at his knees, shakenly holding his torso with his right hand and covering his mouth with his left hand. Like he was stifling his sobs. I can hear his quiet whimpers. I almost faltered, I was convinced for a moment that Virgil was actually crying. I actually saw slight tears flowing from his eyes. That was an intense add on to the song.And it is magnificent.

“I was meant to be yours, We were meant to be one, Don’t give up on me now,Finish what we’ve begun, I was meant to be yours”

I sang the whole verse, doing the same thing as I did before but trying to improve the emotional appeal bit by bit to build up to the climax.

“We the students of westerburg high, will die!” *gasp!* “Our burnt bodies may finally get through, to you.” *oh-oh god!* “Your society churns out slaves and blanks, no thanks.” *whimper* “Signed the students of westerburg high. GOODBYE!” I ended with a manic tone. Virgil’s head snapped up while I said goodbye. His eyes were wide, his mouth was tightly frowning and tears were still flowing down his face. I instantly felt horrible after saying that. I know full well that this is just a simple rehearsal but, I am honestly worried for virgil. And if he gets me, worried for him. Then I know that I am dealing with serious competition.

After singing the next few verses I got ready to sing the climax to the song. I hope to god I get this right. One flaw of mine was expressing grief and anxiety. Something that can be Virgil’s biggest strength.

“Verona, open the, open the door please, Verona open the door!” I cautiously but anxiously said. I actually felt like trying to get Virgil to look at me.

“Verona can we not fight any more please, can we not fight any more!” I sang, making sure my voice wavered a little bit. I’m actually feeling apologetic. This is the first time I ever felt the way I am acting. I am both confused but excited to use this to my advantage.

“Verona sure you’re scared I’ve been there, I can set you free! Verona Don't make me come in there. I’m gonna count to three!

“One.”

“Two.”

“DAMMIT!”

I sang as I strided to virgil, getting desperate to see him.The music swelled and completely stopped. The bass played a hopeless tune, to convey the pure, raw emotion of my reaction to Verona’s dead body.

“Oh-Oh-” I immediately covered my mouth, vomiting almost lurching up my throat. Virgil’s body lay lifelessly against the wall. His arms were hanging out, his legs were strewn apart and his eyes… Oh god his eyes… It was blank, it looked lifeless. He didn’t even close them! How- is he fucking ok?!

“P-please don’t leave me alone,” I whimpered out, somewhat crying at Virgil’s parasuicide, “You were all I could trust,”I desperately and depressingly sang out. I feel like my soulmate died. Holy shit.

“I can’t do this alone,” I sang out, building my tone up to the eventual climax.

“STILL I’LL WILL IF I MUST!” I belted out. I was beyond furious. Emotions were spewing out as my expression morphed into someone that is wordlessly screaming. But thank god I still kept the volume at a normal tone.

The music stopped and my heart was still beating. My chest was puffing in and out as I struggled to come down from my newly found emotions. Virgil stood up and I heard his footsteps stride to me.

“R-Roman, are you ok? You were more intense than usual. Is there anything I can-” Virigil worried before I tackled him into a crushing hug. He staggered back for a bit. His arms falling limply. I took a deep breath, smelling the hood of his jacket. I was desperately making sure that Virgil was actually ok. That he was living. That he was breathing.

“Vi-virgil. Are you unharmed?” I meekly asked.

“R-roman I am completely alright. Did I trigger you?” Virgil assured me.

“N-no, it's just that… you were too believable. I just- for some reason I can’t stand the

sight of you dead.” I breathed out.

Virgil lifted his right arm and awkwardly patted my back. But it gave me comfort.

“It's alright Roman, the song was intense and I bet you were tired for today.Lets just get you to the seat and I will get you something to snack on. You did an exemplary job.” Virgil assured me.

While I was making my way to the seat I realized that my emotions are not a product of stress or burnout.

I think I fell for Virgil.

#prinxiety #thomas sanders #sander side #sander sides fanfiction #sander sides fandom #roman sanders #virgil sanders

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hanatsuki89 · 8 years ago

Text

So! London post here. I was there from the 26th of March until early morning on the 1st of April. I’m going to chat a bit about my experience there, as it was my first time traveling alone, and covering my visit at the Hp studios as well. If you are interested, everything is below the cut. Beware of the long post, ranting, pterodactyl noises and photos!

I’m a living paradox. One side of me is terribly anxious and full of self-doubt. I seldom change habits or jump onto new adventures without having thought about everything carefully for fear of failing. But in January this year, one part of me went all “screw everything, something needs to change”.

When they tell you that seeing a specialist is shameful, tell those people to fuck themselves on a pogo stick. My courage was rewarded. She was the one suggesting I try doing something different every day, even small, something challenging, something that would shake my depression-freezed brain. You’ll have noticed that in the last few months I had been going through another of my HP phases, so one afternoon I decided that I would finally go to London and visit both HP studios AND see the Phantom of the Opera, because those were probably two of my biggest childhood dreams. After a lot of thinking and of people telling me that I should go with somebody else, I realized that what I really wanted was to go by myself. I’ve had once too many trips ruined by rude people or bad travel companions. I would do that. Screw self-doubt, I know how to navigate a city, I can plan in advance and I fucking know how to read and speak English. I took the plane on the 26th of March at 6.45 in the morning, shaking like a leaf and suffering from nausea because of the nerves. That all subsided when I put foot in London, though. I was on the Circle line, going from Liverpool Street to King’s Cross (figures, I booked a hotel in my favourite place) and feeling like a whole different person already. I threw my suitcase in the hotel room and went outside to go check the city a bit. I had planned to walk around the city all week, mainly because I had already visited all the museums last time I had been in London (and I also like walking around more, I’m not a museum kind of person). First day was pretty uneventful, partly due to the fact that I hadn’t slept nor eaten anything for the previous 24 hours (nerves, again). I did a bit of shopping at Forbidden Planet, walked up and down Charing Cross, Leicester Square and the likes. I also started taking HP-related photos because oh, I’m a nerd and HP makes me happy and I was near Lincoln’s Inn fields anyway...:P After a evening/night of rest, I followed my plan of visiting the Tower Bridge exhibition on Monday. It was probably one of the things I regretted not seeing most, last time I was in London. It was spectacular. There was this walkway above the bridge with transparent panels and this amazing view of the Thames river!

(The one and only selfie I took xD) After that, I flanked the Thames until I reached first the London Bridge and then the Millennium Bridge. I love all bridges, alright. In the afternoon I dropped by Camden Town, which is both interesting and nose/head-killing as always. I swear I’ve seen more groups of French kids on a school trip than English natives. And I’m saying this because they were terribly obnoxious in terms of manners. Tuesday! That means: Harry Potter! I had booked my tour with Expedia, so the transfer was included, but you don’t care about such things so I’m gonna skip to the juicy bits. You must know that I suffer from resting bitch face. It’s not on purpose, it’s just that my serious expression looks like I’m seriously pissed off with the whole world, at all times. But that day, I couldn’t stop smiling. My face hurt so much and I swear I was about to make high-pitched noises like a kid. There were all the sceneries, all the props, all the costumes worn by the actors (cue me tearing up in front of Alan Rickman costume). I took so many photos of the Great Hall, and the replica of the potions classroom and the Gryffindor dormitories. Then there was the outside part, with 4, Private drive AND THE CHESS PIECES. The chess game in movie one has always been my favourite scene ever!! There was also Diagon Alley, and all these rooms full of sketches and models of all creatures like Buckbeak and I was amazed by the care and attention to details that was put into all these movies, it’s incredible. I had previously read somewhere that there was a 1:24 scale model of Hogwarts at the end of the tour, but I wasn’t prepared for the beauty of it. It was placed in the middle of a huge room, with changing lighting, and I couldn’t stop staring at it. I had done a good job at keeping my emotions at bay, but that’s when all the emotions hit me and I would have cried if I wasn’t so emotionally constipated outside of my own room.

It’s strange, because I’ve cycled through a lot of series (anime, mainly) and they come and go and rarely return. But Harry Potter... no. It’s never not there, since I was ten years old it’s always been there, maybe on the backburn and not the focus of my attention, but still. I was one of the kids of the generation that grew up with Harry Potter, that had the same age of the characters when they went to school. I laughed, and cried, and was deeply affected by this series. Now, at 27, I appreciate it even more. I can say that there are things I would have liked to be different because liking something doesn’t mean you can’t criticize it, but I love Harry Potter and I hope it’ll be this way forever. Now, enough with me being emotional and let’s continue. After that, I proceeded to make myself hated by my wallet by buying several things at the studios shop. And what I didn’t buy there, I bought it at the Platform 9 3/4 shop in King’s Cross Station xD You’re maybe familiar with this photo because I’ve already posted it

I fully embrace me being a Slytherin, as you can see xD And the wand is Sirius’ because he’s one of my favourite characters. On Wednesday, I went to Monument, the Hunterian Museum (interesting, but it made me a bit queasy), Leadenhall Market and then since I didn’t know what the weather would be on Friday (my last day in London), I decided to go straight to Westminster and take my share of photos of the bridge, Big Ben and you know, all the stuff tourists usually do xD

I’m going really fast here because 1. I’m not really good at narrating, and 2. aside from having fun using the tube and walking I don’t have many funny bits to share (the one downside of being alone). On thursday, since my uterus decided to wage war on me, I took it easy and took some photos in Piccadilly Circus, Leicester Square, Charing Cross and Trafalgar Square. I had to be in that area anyway, since at half past 2 in the afternoon I would have to drag my pained ass to the theatre (I hate having women bits, I swear, and I hate that my period ALWAYS FUCKING COMES whenever I’m abroad). Her Majesty’s Theatre is really beautiful from the outside as well, you know?

The Phantom of the Opera is yet another one of the things I’ve been interested in for a long time. I’ve read the book, I’ve watched everything they created on that subject, I also have my favourite actors among all the people who played Christine and the Phantom (Sierra Boggess and Ramin Karimloo, obviously) and watching the performance live, there, sitting in a theatre in London was a dream coming true. This time I did shed a couple tears, aided by the dim lights xD It was so wonderful, and the actor playing the Phantom was top-notch, both singing and acting-wise. And finally, on friday I toured around Buckingham Palace and the gardens, but the weather was horrible and I had full-body cramps due to my awful period, so I had to spend a lot of time in my room and managed to take another dozen of photos of the area around King’s Cross. I can’t explain how much I’ve loved this trip. I’ve finally realized two of my dreams and I also proved myself that I CAN do what I want. Alone. And it also served to help me in understanding some things about myself and about what I want and need to achieve. See you for the next trip! P.s. and if anyone wants to chat about HP, remember that I might have resting bitch face and the likes, but I turn into an overgrown kid whenever I talk about something I love :D

#personal #hana babbles #london #hp studios

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artificialzeezee · 8 years ago

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Bitney💜 8. “Your smile is not as bright as it used to be.” 46. "Shut up, I am a delight!"

I wrote more than anticipated…

You’re smile is not as bright as it used to be.

Everyone held Courtney up to a standard that, admittedly, she had put on herself. She was supposed to possess a sparkling, jovial mood even when faced with great loss or upset. She preached self love and confidence and equality, and it was all done with pearly teeth against a proud smile. It was what everyone loved about her and boasted as if they were her beaming mother on the first day of school.

Sometimes, however, even the most merry people fall. For some reason, it was Courtney’s turn. She’s been feeling a pestering depression for the past few weeks: gigs with Willam and Alaska, drinking in L.A. with Adore, and even over dinner with Bianca she found herself drifting into an abyss that was dreary colours and bleak piano melodies, and everything dull. Courtney was experiencing a sour note in her life, no amount of soul bearing through her music would help this time, because she the problem felt foggy. Almost everything was wonderful! Her career was great, no one had died, she still had all her friends, and yet…

She was unbearably lonely.

It had been more than a month of the same fake smile and heavy weight on her lungs. No one seemed to have coped onto the difference, and she wasn’t sure if that made it worse or better. All the people she cared about deeply, didn’t even seem to notice that she wasn’t feeling herself; it hurt to know she was so throwaway.

Currently, she’s backstage at her latest gig, doing the finishing touches on her wig and then she stares back at the reflection that’s judging her. The green of her eyes, glaring back, threatening her that she had better cheer up soon or even her own sanity wouldn’t stick around to deal with her. What once was so vibrant with the wonders of Courtney’s dreams, now clouded over with a sickening fog. She looked deep past the mossy colour, and found herself sucked into the void of her pupils. Nothing but black holes, dragging the brightness out of any room and guzzling it up like a murderous beast with an insatiable hunger. Depression, in a quick burst, not defined or signed for, but it’s there nevertheless. Courtney couldn’t find the joy in anything anymore, not to the same bubbly standard she once had at least, now it felt like she was being pushed- bullied to have fun.

She shakes her head and sighs, picking up her pink lipstick and applying it. Tonight is a palooza of drag queens, performing for an audience with hundreds of excitable and mostly drunk locals, and the occasional tourist who’s too scared to get drunk incase they get lost afterward. Usually, Courtney would be jumping in hysterical happiness from the buzz of a night like this, but she’s different now. Reserved, shy and worried of what may go wrong. She puts the cap on her lipstick, rubs her lips together and tries to think about anything that isn’t possible mess ups.

Wrong notes, wardrobe malfunctions, an unhappy crowd - all possible outcomes that petrified her. Why was she so anxious of lately? Was this a mid life crises, or was this the elephant in the room she was trying to suppress?

If Courtney was to be bluntly honest with herself, the problems all started when she went on the ‘date’ with Roy. When he, Shane, bought himself a new designer suit and went out with his best friend, dressed like a couple of teenagers trying to impress the first crush they’d ever had. When he caught himself lusting over the man across from him, in an ugly grey suit that somehow looked impeccable on him, and the shaggy curls of his hair, and the dimples in his cheeks when he laughs at Shane’s jokes, and the noise his stubble makes when he scratches it, and-

It started when Shane realised he was falling in love with Roy fucking Haylock, the biggest jokester he’d met, apparently playing the biggest joke on his heart. Shane sat at the table, hanging off every word Roy offered him and they tasted better than any appetiser that could have been offered. He hadn’t felt this way in years, and he wasn’t sure how to react to the sudden realisation. Roy went on and on and on about his new show, and being nervous about travelling, and then he brought up an ex.

“He fucking text me the other day, some shit about leaving my cologne at his place and he misses me. A load of dumb shit, honestly. This cunt, thinks he can get my dick after the shit he pulled? Hay, he was a good fuck, but I’d rather smell like a public bathroom than go back and collect my cologne.”

Shane swallows the lump in his throat. “You’re not exactly far off that smell anyway if you ask me.” Roy roars with laughter, giving Shane the middle finger.

“You cunt! As if you have a leg to stand on! A public bathroom is basically your place of work, right?”

Shane rolls his eyes, laughing, and even when he’s done and Roy continues moaning, his cheeks are pained with the lines of a giddy smile. It’s for Roy, it always has been really; again, if he admits the truth.

“Have to add a new one to my list: never date models, guys with kids and friends.” Roy instructs, matter of factually as he takes a swig of his vodka cocktail. That’s when there’s almost an audible sound of Shane’s heart plummeting, smashing at his feet into a million tiny pieces and he’s caught gasping like a fish out of water. As if it were all to align perfectly, he was to feel the strongest feelings he’d ever had for Roy the same night he’d hear that there was never a chance between them.

“You speak from experience?” Shane jokes, his smile now crooked.

Roy jerks a brow. “Fuck yeah. Models are too busy trying to film you fucking to post to instagram with a flashy filter, guys with kids only talk about their kids, and friends…well, that’s just messy.”

Courtney stands up from her makeup table and inspects herself. A short black dress that hangs off her shoulders and curves her body deliciously, shimmering where the sequins reflect against the lights. A bubble gum pink wig, designer strappy black heels and elegance. She looks beautiful, no one could deny that, even Courtney couldn’t pretend she didn’t look impeccable. She scoffs, curling the end of a strand of hair between her fingers and turning to see her figure. The dip in her back, her perky bum, she looks sexy.

“Hay, Court!” The door of the dressing room flings open abruptly, and in fall Adore, Derrick, and Bianca. She can hear chatter in the hallway and peers round the three to see Chi Chi and Latrice cackling, grabbing onto each other for support. Adore stumbles toward Courtney, laughing slightly. “You just missed it, Willam just threw up all over the fucking place!”

“What?” Courtney blinked frantically in confusion, looking between them all as they grinned wickedly.

“Well, barely. He’s only been drinking water all day so it was just…that, water.”

“Oh shut up, Derrick, why you down playing it? You were in fucking hysterics, bitch!” Adore teased her, blowing a kiss when Derrick gave her the middle finger. “Anyway, why you all alone in here, huh? C’mon, join the party!”

Courtney has always admired the spirit Adore had. The two of them would thrive off one another for the best possible euphoria, like faulty wires sparking silver and blue. They were damaged artists, and they would find comfort in the fact each other understood. Many disregarded Adore as a ditzy kid who was too busy getting her ass out or crying to take responsibility, but the truth was Adore was one of the most intelligent and amazing people to ever enter Courtney’s life. She never felt lost in the presence of Adore - not completely whole, but she wasn’t lost like she seemed to feel with everyone else.

Lost, hoping to find the end goal before she burnt out. Damn love and all the ache it brought.

She shrugs. “I have to still do some stuff before the show. Vocal warm ups, you know?” Adore nods knowingly.

Her eyes flicker over at Bianca as Adore starts speaking again, and it’s as if time freezes. There she is, in a plain black dress, short cut and flowing against her legs, a tall ginger wig nested in a jewelled bandana, thick black earrings and a dozen bracelets that jingle every time she moves her arms. Her lips are ruby red, glistening in the false light of the rooms damp light bulb, and they’re as thick and cushiony as they always are. Courtney doesn’t linger on them for long, for fear of images of kissing them appearing in her head, and so she looks up. There, she’s greeted by deadly eyes and a suspicious eyebrow, sharp and interrogatory that she feels it practically stab her. Bianca is analysing her, and it makes Courtney nervous. The reason for everything feeling so lacklustre, turning her into a bag of trembling bones with a single look. Bianca Del Rio is the only person who could look this good when terrifying someone.

Her heart tastes like coal sludge, stuck in the back of her throat and thumping violently as Bianca’s gaze intensifies. Courtney can practically hear the cogs turning in Bianca’s head, they’re giving her a nervous twitch.

“Nebraska is probably looking for me by now. We better head ba-”

“You sluts, where did you go?!” The horse yell of Willam is heard down the hall, interrupting Derrick, and she and Adore skip away without a goodbye like a pair of kids in trouble. Courtney feels her legs jerk to run after them, but her feet are glued to the floor with nerves. The door slams shut behind them, and the room’s atmosphere changes dramatically.

Courtney faces Bianca again, and they stand there, staring at one another. Her throat feels dry, her lips feel chapped and the pain in her back is suddenly ten times worse than it ever was to begin with. She’s not sure why she’s so nervous around Bianca suddenly - it may be because the more she suppresses the truth, the more her heart skips like a record. She wants nothing more than to go back to a time before the restaurant where she was blissfully unaware of the severity of her love for the older queen.

“What’s the deal, Courtney?” Bianca crosses her arms, stepping away from the wall by the door and strutting toward the frozen girl. “You’re not acting like yourself lately.”

“Wha-what do you mean? I’m fine-”

“You really going to bullshit me like this?” Bianca protested, her tongue pushing out her cheek and her eyes glazing over with an uncomfortable annoyance. Courtney didn’t like when Bianca turned serious, and she desperately wanted to escape the situation that was doomed to a shit ending.

Courtney tossed her eyes and put on the cheesiest smile she could muster. “Really, I’m fine. I’ve just been kind of under the weather recently. No need to worry.”

But Bianca just stares at her, unmoved.

“Keep lying, bitch. See where that gets you.”

Her tone is almost threatening, Courtney takes a fearful step backward.

“Bianca, I’m not lying. I’m just ill, really.” Courtney puts her hands on her hips, shaking her head. “Come on, we best be getting ready for the show-”

“Fuck the show. I’m not leaving this damn room until you tell me the truth.”

The room’s air is thick with the apprehension of a fallout, and it’s all weighing down on Courtney’s shoulders. She can feel the heat starting to get to her, as her forehead beads with sweat and the impatience starts to run out. She wants to push Bianca - throw her against the wall, tell her to fuck off and keep walking until she’s out of sight and out of mind.

“Drop it, B. I mean it.” Courtney’s tone turns stern. Usually she’s a little bouncy and higher pitched when in drag, but the more Bianca burns through her soul, the more angry Shane gets.

Bianca smirks, eyeing up Courtney and closing the gap between them. She’s close enough that the bitter deodorant she wears hits Courtney’s nostrils, and she can see every breath Bianca takes lift her tanned skin. If she focuses hard enough, she could see the outline of a skittish heart pounding against Bianca’s chest.

“Or what, Courtney? What are you doing to do?”

“What am I going to do? Listen to yourself, you make it sound like this is Westside Story!”

“Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“No.”

“Yes!”

“No, Bianca-”

“No isn’t a God damn option here, bitch. You either tell me,” Bianca sighs, closing her eyes for a second to regain whatever she had lost in the moment of annoyance, and continues “Or you don’t go on stage.”

Courtney’s let out a loud, sarcastic laugh. “Yeah, whatever. Like you have the control to do that.”

“I’ll get the fucking control if I have to. You’ve been different, Courtney, and it’s killing me! You’re blunt in texts, you don’t joke around like you use to…Christ, you were never Joan Rivers but you were a funny cunt to be around, now you’re a miserable shit!” Bianca grunts, rubbing her temples. Courtney feels like she’s been punched. Bianca cares, but she’s afraid of that. She’s afraid of Bianca caring because Courtney can’t handle the rejection if she finds out the truth. In this moment however, Courtney has never felt such a strong desire to grab the other girl and show her all she feels.

Courtney bites her lip, holding all the pent up frustration bubbling within her. “Please. I can’t do this right now, I really can’t.”

Courtney’s eyes waver over with a blue sorrow that hits Bianca hard. She drops the tough persona and lets out a hefty breath.

“Look, Courtney, it’s just…Your smile, it’s-” Bianca grunts, looking away from Courtney’s gaze. “It’s not as bright as it used to be.” And the blue meets the green to lock in harmony. Courtney holds Bianca’s eyes with her own for as long as she can, feeling her heart cracking. To see her so hurt, by the fact Courtney’s optimism is broken, lights a fire in her stomach that explodes upon them both.

Without a second thought, Courtney grabs Bianca’s face and crashes her lips against the older queens, tripping over her own feet as they stumble backward. Bianca’s eyes shoot open in shock, crossing in the middle to stare at Courtney who’s got her eyes squeezed tight. The thin lips pressed against her own, does something weird to Bianca - she feels a tickling in her stomach that she is ashamed to admit. Her hands still pressed against her hips, she lets Courtney kiss her, forceful and full of need. Courtney is tense while kissing her, hoping it’ll turn into scene from a movie and they’ll melt into one another.

It never comes however, the perfect moment where she feels her kiss back. Courtney pulls away and Bianca’s face is a mixture of shock horror and amusement. She lets go of Bianca’s cheeks as if she’s burnt her hand, and a bundle of apologies tumble from her lips - she’s grateful for the pounds of foundation covering the pink of her embarrassment.

“Fuck, Bianca, I’m so sorry, so fucking- shit, I shouldn’t have, I-I don’t know why I did!” She stutters, afraid at the fact Bianca still hasn’t said anything but her lips have curled fiendishly. Mockingly. “Please, let’s just forget that even happened, really, I couldn’t bare to lose you, I’m so sor-”

“Shut up, asshole.” Bianca commands, and before Courtney can burst into tears, Bianca has her face between her hands and she’s kissing her again. This time, it’s tender. A slow, sensual kiss that lingers for a second on her lips before the sound of a peck, and then she’s back on Courtney. Her lips are smooth and pillowed, and consume Courtney’s lips without a struggle. A good kind of consume- the great control and dominance that is clear to Bianca, tangled in a golden passion that is foreign.

After the initial shock, Courtney’s body relaxes and all the tense anxiety she’d had festering away seems to die faster than any of this happens. She throws her arms around Bianca’s shoulders and sighs into the kiss, embracing the shivers down her spine when Bianca’s hands slide down to her waist. The heat of the room soon becomes a comfortable caress over the two’s jittering hearts. Courtney can’t help the delighted moan that whispers past her lips, and she feels the smile crack Bianca’s face.

She pulls away and Courtney can’t help but lean in craving more, hoping this wasn’t a dream she wasn’t going to wake up as it got good. Her vision still a blanket of blackness, she opens her eyes and is met with the smug expression of her best friend, and her lips completely destroyed by smudged, pink lipstick.

“I’m going to kill you for ruining my makeup.” Bianca teases, her voice croaky as if she’s just woken up. The tones do something to Courtney, her legs feeling like jelly.

“You’re the one that kissed me again.” She replies coyly, pulling Bianca closer to her so their noses are pushed together. Bianca tries to look unimpressed, but she can’t hold herself for too long before she’s snickering.

“I fucking knew something was wrong with you.”

Like a tone of bricks, it hits Courtney. She feels her breath titter over the edge of panic, and before Bianca can ruin it, she asks “What do we do now? I…I don’t want to lose you, Roy. I just…I can’t lose-”

“Will you fucking calm down.” Bianca warned, but her voice was faltering on too much sunniness. She puckers her lips and lightly kisses Courtney, barely reaching her lips but just leaving a trace of her affection for Courtney to breath. “I don’t want to lose you either, moron. I’ve grown accustom to insulting you, so don’t think you’re getting away any time soon!” Courtney laughs, and Bianca thinks it’s the most beautiful sound in the world; she’s missed it so much. “I wouldn’t kiss you back if I didn’t…you know…”

Courtney raised a brow, seeing the sudden shyness overcome her. “I know what?” Courtney jokes, wriggling against Bianca’s hold. The older queen curses, shoving Courtney away and crossing her arms. She’s not intimidating anymore though, she’s sweet and delicate, and humane. Her usual brash persona was more of a joke than her jokes were at this present time.

“Do I have to spell it out?”

Courtney’s smile lifts, from cheek to cheek, and brightens the room better than anything ever could. “Okay I won’t make you. But, what about your rule? You don’t date friends?”

“Woah, we’re dating? You jumped into that quick-”

“B, come on. Be serious.”

“It’s not as fun that way.”

“Please?”

“Ugh,” Bianca grabs a tissue from the makeup desk and starts wiping around her mouth in hopes to save her foundation. She looks back at Courtney. “I’d rather ‘follow my heart’ right now. Insert some corny bullshit or whatever! Watch The Notebook, ‘if you’re a bird I’m a’ whatever. I just, don’t give a fuck about my rules. I fucking like you, Shane.” Bianca stops wiping her mouth. They stare at each other, all the intensity from moments ago being a distant mirage of their clouded feelings. Courtney holds her breath as Bianca licks her lips. “A fucking lot. I’m not going to hold you to some of the fuck ups of my past.”

Courtney inhales, blinking to hold back the tears that are welling up. “God, I’ve felt so shit. I could have saved myself the trouble and just told you.”

“Well, next time don’t be an idiot.”

Courtney shakes her head, stepping forward and kissing Bianca again, long and soft, and then just lingering for a minute to gaze into her eyes.

“A lot just happened.”

“Don’t remind me. Come on, we can fucking make out and blow each other later. Get your ass ready!” Bianca swiftly slaps Courtney on the ass, galloping away when she squeals.

“What, I am ready?”

“Check your lipstick before you come for me, that’s all I’m going to say!” Bianca yells back, and just as quick as it all had happened, she’s gone.

And Courtney feels light. And happy.

______

“Shut up, I am a delight!”

Roy’s brain begins to clear as he awakens, squeezing his eyes tight and then opening them as wide as possible. He’s laying on his front, starch naked, and there’s the cool, damp feel of what must be drool on his pillow. He wrinkles his nose in disgust, sitting up and groaning as his body slowly illuminates with consciousness.

The rays of the sun light lay across the white duvet. Specks of dust floating through the air, and Roy found himself drifting into the nothingness of a tired, vacant stare. He could hear the faint sound of birds chirping outside, and when he listened again there was the sound of soft singing coming from downstairs.

That’s when he noticed the person he’d fallen asleep with was gone. That side of the bed suddenly felt chilly. He frowned, throwing the duvet off himself and stretching as he went on his adventure to find Shane.

The other boy was in the kitchen, cooking pancakes for them to eat. Shane was starting to get use to the domestic life him and Roy were falling into. He rummages his cupboards for maple syrup, reminiscing on their first date when he went to Roy’s for dinner, ending in rough sex on the couch. The second date they went to the movies, and Shane ended up on his knees a public bathroom. The beginning was filled with steamy, crazy sex and passion, and the kisses sent electric shocks down his spine, and now they were gentle.

He stacked two pancakes on each plate, smothering them in the syrup and then adding whipped cream to Roy’s with a few berried and strawberries. He’d found himself shopping for the two of them as well since they’d gotten serious: buying Roy’s favourite shampoo, buying dog treats for the odd occasion he brought over his pets, and he’d even bought the odd product that went completely against his own diet but he knew Roy loved. Shane’s never been so head over heels for someone without it feeling like a pressure to keep up with.

Maybe it was because they were such good friends before, that the natural, comfortable state of a relationship felt easy for them. It’s peculiar, for both of them, but it’s not drastically outrageous - in fact, Shane prefers moments like Roy kissing his hand randomly when they’re watching one of their shows, to the wild, animalistic sex they started with.

He wouldn’t trade the sex, though. Never would he think about doing something so crazy.

“Shane?” He hears his name called, the echo indicating from up the stairs. Shane skipped out the kitchen, swinging round the stairs bannister to answer to the call, when he was met with a completely nude Roy.

“Jesus- Roy!” Shane laughed, crossing his arms. “Put some clothes on, will you? I’m not letting your ass sit on my white dinning room chairs!”

“Excuse me? I’m clean as a fucking whistle, what’s wrong with my ass-”

“I’m not arguing with you about this.”

“You’ve seen me naked numerous times before, what’s the big deal?”

Shane raises a brow. He’s not wrong, but it doesn’t make him right. “I made you breakfast. The least you can do is put on a pair of joggers or something.”

Roy smirks, putting his hands on his hips and cocking his leg, staring at Shane as if it’s a competition. Shane is trying his hardest not to look at the obvious appendage that seems to be in half a state of morning wood. From the angle of looking up at Roy, it’s proving difficult. It’s another example though, they can be completely nude around each other without going at it like animals. He can admire Roy’s tanned body, and delve into the more complex tale it tells. He can look past the cover and open up the story that is Roy’s life.

The scar under his left pectoral from when his sister accidentally marked him with a kitchen knife when they were drunk in their 20s. The slight dent under his ribcage that came from his father backing into him with his car. Even the one mark Roy kept a secret from everyone, under his ankle but above the heel of his foot. A small tattoo of the word ‘Abuela’.

“My grandmother taught me a lot growing up, and I was a stupid young kid going through that bullshit phase where everything is so fucking deep and meaningful. When she got sick, I told my friend to give me a tattoo. I didn’t want to forget her, or I…I didn’t want to forget her importance to me. I’ve never actually told anyone that story.”

“What about old boyfriends?”

“They never saw it, funnily enough. I don’t know how they didn’t, I guess maybe they were too busy focusing on the tongue in their ass to ask ‘hay what’s that on your foot?’, but your guess is as good as mine.”

Shane was living in the wondrous, floating feeling that was the beginning of love. The early stages when his heart would squeeze, over the simplicity of Roy nuzzling against his chest in his sleep. The days when the initial shock of intimacy relaxes and he’s swimming in the wealth of tenderness. He was enjoying Roy in a whole new lighting, and he wanted it to last forever.

Shane breaks the silence first. “I’ll kick you out if you don’t get dressed.”

“Oh, I’d love to see you try.” Roy rocks side to side, taunting Shane as he hums and resembles a naughty child. Shane rolls his eyes, finally climbing the stairs and when he’s face to face with Roy, he slams him against the wall and pins him by his shoulders. Roy doesn’t resist, just wiggles his eyebrows.

“Why do you have to be so annoying?” Roy pretends to be offended by the statement, gasping and looking at Shane with doleful eyes.

“Shut up, I’m a delight!”

Shane laughs at the statement. “I can’t completely call bullshit on that.”

Roy stretches out his smile as wide as possible, creasing his eyes. Shane loves his smile, like the perfect expression of joy he’s ever seen, expressed in the dents of his cheeks or the shine in his teeth. Shane kisses him softly when he’s not expecting it and walks away, leaving Roy a little stunned.

“Put on some boxers, I mean it!”

Roy does as he’s told, and they eat pancakes together. Shane loves the pleased moan Roy makes after his first bite.

He really is a delight.

#.......i dunno how i feel bout these but enjoy my love <33 #fic #bitney #rpdr fanfiction

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heysamlookatthis · 6 years ago

Text

I’m still really sorry about how I acted and I hope this gives you more insight into why I was such a bitch, why I skip class, and also why I’ve been such a mess, especially since Easter.

Hey Sam,

I think I really do want to tell you about what has been going on in my life. I’m not asking you to do anything about it — I have several friends who are doing a really good job of supporting me, and I’m seeing my therapist and a whole bunch of people at health services (like a person just to prescribe anxiety medication and make sure I’m sleeping, a nutritionist to make sure I’m not relapsing, and a person to keep tabs on my overall health) — but you care about me, and part of letting people care about me is inviting them into the messiness of my life. So I’m doing this for you, so hopefully you’ll understand why I reacted like I did, and why I’ve picked up some habits of skipping class and being absolutely fucking miserable recently. Also, I want to mention that I do not feel forced or coerced into sharing this — I am sharing it because I want to and because I think it’s important to let you care for me. But where we go from here with regards to this is up to you.

Also, to me at least, this reads like it was written very dispassionately and detached, but I promise everything is true. Maybe it doesn’t need that disclaimer. I’m just super anxious anytime I talk about it that people won’t believe me. I’m also super tired, so maybe that’s why there’s not a lot of emotion in it.

I have been anxious for a very long time. I don’t think I’ve always been anxious, but I remember being anxious in middle school, and definitely by high school. In retrospect, it was always remarkably bad but I managed, because I just didn’t know that people’s brains weren’t supposed to work that way. I also grew up in a family and went to a school for 13 years that espoused the belief that mentally ill people were demon possessed or of the devil (same with queer people, actually) and that if you took medication for a mental illness it meant you weren’t praying hard enough (... analogous to praying the gay away? Very similar schools of thought). I think my school straight-up expelled a kid for being on antidepressants, though I don’t really remember because I was super young and I’m not very confident because that seems like it should be illegal even for a private school that has a Title IX exemption and was crazy. (I do know they kicked people out for being allies, so I definitely didn’t come out. But it shaped my thoughts on being queer for a while and definitely on being mentally ill — I don’t know why I worked through one and not the other.) Anyway, I’ve been anxious for a long time, and for a very long time it’s been unmedicated. Recently-ish, it’s gotten worse. I think that happened in November when we cast Butter and I started having stress dreams every night about the show; Nathan reluctantly put a time-stamp on it of when I first developed problems with the kidney stones. Whenever it happened, I started medication for it last Friday, and that medication so far has made me even more anxious and also have way more intense suicidal ideation than before. Like, I’m still just as committed to staying alive as before. I will not act on these thoughts; how I feel now is not how I will feel forever and people care about me and life is worth living even if it doesn’t always feel that way. But while my body learns to adjust to this drug during the first week or two, my mind is an absolute mess. I’m 90% paranoid, wishing I was dead like 70% of the time, and fighting myself like 100% of the time.

I’m also depressed. But like that’s nothing new. I’ve always been depressed. Now it’s just more of a thing until my body sorts through this medication.

We’re taking this in chronological order, so first it’s the anxiety becoming a bigger deal. Then it’s the kidney stones, which absolutely wrecked my sleep cycle. Between the kidney stones and the last thing I’m going to talk about, I never got a single 8 hours of good sleep in all of April. That’s a whole month written off. The stones were bad, but it was the pain and my body’s turmoil and the drugs wrecking my sleep schedule that really trashed me. Maybe that lack of sleep really did something to my anxiety and Nathan’s right. Who knows?

Then we get to Easter, when my body was finally over the stones. It was, in fact, time for my new crisis. I don’t know how much you know of my relationship with my parents, but here’s the backstory: they were physically and emotionally abusive towards me, which they also raised my brother to participate in, and they were neglectful towards the both of us, but mostly me. I’d come to terms with that and understood it as a warped expression of love based on their own shitty childhoods. I’d learned to give them lots of grace. But then we get to Easter, where all things resurrect, both good and bad. And the short version is I had a flashback and, when I was eight, my dad raped me.*. And, between other flashbacks and nightmares, I know it was not an isolated incident. Due to parsing out other pieces of my childhood, my therapist and I are pretty certain my mom knew.

So I’ve just kind of been walking around in a stupor, trying to get back on my feet and live my life after… that. It’s been going well for the most part, except when it hasn’t. So it goes. But there’s been a lot on my plate. Like…. I’m trying to figure out if I get to finish the semester (and how, if I do) or if I have to withdraw (and where I would go if I do). I’m trying to figure out what the fuck my relationship with my parents looks like and how I’m supposed to call home for Mother’s Day when they don’t think our relationship has changed but it so deeply has. I’m trying to figure out how to shower and eat when my body doesn’t want to but I’m trying so hard not to relapse and how to breathe. I’m grieving everything I thought I knew, and I’m sure there’s a lot of my anxiety that’s due to this, too.

All that being said, none of this excuses how I talked to you. I had a lot on my mind — but everyone does, to some degree. I hope this provides you with some better understanding, though.

(Also, I hope this goes without saying, but between the sensitive nature of this information and the fact that I am already in communication with the people I need to be in communication with, don’t share this with anyone without checking with me first. I want you to process it if you need to, but I also don’t want this becoming everyone’s business — I don’t think you’d do that out of malice but I think you might share it with people if you were concerned about me, and I think you might not think about who you process it with that we both know.)

*I want to make a note that this is the first time I’ve worded it like that — usually I’ve said “My dad had sex with me at an age before you could call it sex” — but I think there’s something powerful in naming the act what it is.

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