#people are so fucking afraid of just calling someone nonbinary unless it literally is being shoved down their throat

[kil9]

people who are like "kris deltarune uses exclusively they/them pronouns which implies they could be nonbinary" sound so fucking stupid thats like saying "toriel uses exclusively she/her implying she might be a woman"

[juiceastronaut]

Okay so. I watched Q-force. And I have no idea what I think about it.

Imma just be rambling so I'll break down the characters and my likes/dislikes about them before giving my plot breakdown at the end. Only the main/prominent ones because I don't have time.

Steve Maryweather-Easily the best character out of them, with Deb being a close second. He could've very easily fallen into the trope of being someone who was incompetent but expected the world anyway, but he doesn't. He graduated top of his class, and despite his quirks is a genuinely competent team leader, and wants the best for his team. He wants to prove that he and his team are competent enough to get recognition, and has a genuine faith in the people around him. It was refreshing to see him hold his team in a genuine high regard, where a lot of times it's like "We're shit but lets do this thing now" He's a genuinely well-rounded character, and (and forgive me if this isn't the best way to frame this) it feels like being gay is an important part of his character, without encompassing the whole thing. I thought Benji and his relationship was super cute and I was sad when they broke up. I was afraid he was going to be, like a second but worse Twink with the stereotyping but gladly fell away from that.

Deb-I thought her and her wife were super cute (though I hate how the wife is designed ngl adjafkldajfd). I liked Debs character, but I feel like she had a lot of racial stereotyping that wouldn't be inherently obvious unless you were looking for them, her being the strong one, and also the "mama" type at the same time. No one treated her with disrespect, and her lesbianism seemed to be more authentic but I feel like there wasn't a lot of thought put into what these tropes were and why they were bad. Her being black and making her the mama type, as well as the big strong type could be read as tasteless. Again, I really liked her character but these were some things I noticed while watching.

Twink- You know, I didn't really like him at first, I thought he was the epitome of all the bad stereotyping (though I'm just glad him and Mary didn't get put into the same category). His humor isn't my taste, and it just kinda seemed like someone for half of his lines went "what twitter stan language can we put in here?" And sometimes it was a bit too random for my tastes. However! I do like that his drag was considered important and was an integral part to a lot of missions they went on, and not just "Ah look at that dumb gay trying to find reasons to dress in drag." His talents and expertise were both respected and, save for Buck (which his whole point was supposed to be offensive anyway) no one undermined Twink for his femininity. His back story is also kinda random but did play a role in the missions as well. Still, personally think he's the worst character. Plus, he's French so minus four-twenties amount of points.

Stat-You know, in a show where everyone was stating what letter they were every few seconds I was surprised that I had to look up that Stat was trans. I...liked her character for the most part, except the part where she was fucking a robot. Kinda weird ngl, outta left field, and with her being trans I wonder if her having that sort of relationship is problematic for her. Love her design tho, love me a hacker girl. She's also listed as "ambiguously gay" tho showed to have mostly girl love interests but, okay.

Buck-He's the straight guy, emotionally repressed haha and he's bigoted. Did think it was funny later on when he was more "accepting" but managed to be even more infuriating about it. Tied with Twink as worse character but you know they tried to do stuff with him.

Vee-Really liked me a boss lady, but kinda weird how they bait-and-switched us with her actually being a lesbian, then go "no she's straight tho" in regards to Karen. I thought her and Mary's relationship was cute, wish I saw more of it. But she did feel like a random plot device in later seasons, what with her disappearing and reappearing when it was plot relevant. (Tho she HOTOHOTHOTHOT bikini episode WOOOWEEEE)

....

Okay, so now the plot....which. it had one?

It felt like it was flip flopping back n forth about whether it wanted to take itself seriously or not, and it seemed to decide on serious more towards the end, but then it would have this random plot element that would be so out of left field it would pull me out of my suspension of disbelief. See the whole "Back cracking to unlock memories" plot point. This back and forth on whether it would be a comedy or not I think weakened both categories it tried to play into.

If I had to compare the show to anything it would probably be Futurama, but the thing with Futurma is, its set in the future, so you're suspension of disbelief is allowed to stretch a bit more because all the wacky quirky stuff can be attributed to future shenanigans. Q-force, to my knowledge, is set in the modern day, which makes the wacky stuff that much wacker, because it's set in our modern times, which you apply the rules of everyday life to.

A lot of the problems that I had with Q-Force is, in the attempt to write specifically about the "gay experience" revealed that the writers have really only had a very specific experience of interacting with gay ppl, what I call the "Urban Gay" experience.

The fact they're in West Hollywood, and all the things that were listed as "universal gay experiences" but were only things that you'd be exposed to if you were in the city. I think a flavor of "white gay" can be implemented here too, which Q force has exactly one black woman, who manages to be the only lesbian.

That coupled with the fact that, there's a difference between having Twink naturally being a drag queen, the whole team being gay to some degree, and the fact they interact with the gay community often without Drawing Attention to all of those things and self-congratulating itself on concluding it. Funnily enough, Q-Force had examples of doing this right and doing this right. Right way: In the second or third episode where Mary found that guy with the flash drive to the uranium in it and seduced him in the gay bar. Relevant that it was gay without overtly drawing attention to it. Wrong-Way: Having Pride go on while Girl Boss was trying to take over the world.

And, for the show that promoted itself as representing the gay experience, there were...two gay men, one lesbian, one trans person, one straight guy and...no bisexual people. Also no nonbinary people. Like of course it's unrealistic to include every single identity but you're one bisexual person who appeared for one episode and was promptly blown up. And also showed to be...more off than the other characters, what with the stealing of silverware and all. Just, bisexual people are already forgotten enough as it is and not including them in the show, but you include two gay men just kinda reads as tasteless to me (as a bisexual person, obviously).

Which makes it so weird that Stat was left "ambiguously gay" when she could've easily been bisexual (which still would be problematic because of the robot-fucking but at least you got the B in there somewhere in the main group)

Overall, it tried to market itself as the "be all end all" of what it was like to be gay, but ended up excluding the exact people that get excluded in real-life lgbt spaces. This combined with the indecision with what kind of show it wanted to be managed to make it fall short. If you arent the very specific type of gay person who lives in a city environment and doesn't fit the stereotypes showed you're not going to feel "seen" by the show.

Weirdly though, I didn't hate watching it, and I would probably watch another season if they managed to make one. The parts that did work, I think worked really well, and even the bad parts just read as tasteless, and not actively terrible. If they focused less on making "hey I'm gay" jokes every three seconds and just let each character be what they are I think the show would be stronger for it. And I think they'd find less problems overall if they did that too. In the mean time I'll just be here side-eyeing the whole thing.

Edit: I forgot to mention, and this is a problem a lot of adult TV shows fall into, that because they got the clear to show nudity/sex they felt like they *had* to show nudity and to a lesser extent sex every episode. So just that whole "Haha adult=sex obviously."

Oh! And this generally goes for the whole "shove it in your face" part, but a lot of the characters who are bigoted were shown to be. Very blatantly so. And not to say there isn't blatantly bigoted ppl of course they are but I don't think that's where you see a lot of bigotry nowadays. This was sort of touched on during the show but more of a jokey manner, but I think it would've been more realistic if we had more "girl with a gay best friend" kinda bigotry as opposed to the "I'm literally hurling slurs at you" bigotry, especially since they're in Cali.

[cometcrystal]

two important points before i begin

can someone make sure @zero-point-love/@monologue-loving sees this. their dumb ass has me fucking blocked so i can’t dm them like a normal person and normally i wouldn’t bother making a post like this but you know what??? i am SO fucking SICK of being accused of shit i didn’t do

I DO NOT SNOOP ON THIS PERSON’S BLOG. I ONLY KNOW ABOUT THIS POST BECAUSE I WAS LINKED TO IT. op can check their fuckin stat counter and search for central alabama, i’ve only looked at their damn posts when i’ve been linked to them.

1) okay, first of all, literally fucking none of my friends have went behind your back until YOU! started posted about us on your blog and how we apparently “””abused””” you for saying syndrome is stinky. while you were in our friend group, i can promise you in good faith that you were not secretly made fun of. we all tried to be civil with you, even though you loved a character we hated for good reason, because we’re decent fucking people. 

yes, before we were in the same chat, i vagued op some abt their syndrome-posting. was that rude? yes. did i ever do it in secret? NO. did i ever do it once i started being around them more? NO. stop making shit up

2) if calling out horrible behavior is “making the fandom a toxic cesspool”, then i’m glad i helped with that. i’d rather have pedophiles and incest shippers and racists and etc be afraid of posting their content than me say nothing. me and my friends were never rude to anyone unless they made content that was seriously fuckin bad, or they were rude to us first. that’s all i’ll say on that lmfao i dont care if i’m being a meanie to dangerous people

3) i would LOVE to know exactly what radfem ideology we breathed. us, a group of mostly trans/nonbinary people with just a couple cis people. i’m one of those cis people, so i legit want to hear from trans people if i’m spouting terf shit so i can stop that. that’s on me if i am. but ace exclusionism and disliking the q slur are NOT radfem ideology and they do NOT mean i don’t respect you for being ace you’re just a moron lmao. i actively condemn radfem/terf views and people and i don’t want any of that shit on my blog, and my other friends believe the same thing, and those terms are not an insult you can just pull out when you think someone is nasty and you don’t like them. 

4) most of us??? are autistic??? myself included??? we didn’t call syndrome stinky because we’re making fun of you for being autistic we’re calling syndrome stinky because he committed genocide and he almost kidnapped an infant at the end of the movie like what kind of idiot pills are you taking. i have NEVER made fun of someone just for being autistic and having a special interest. i HAVE made fun of people for supporting shit that’s incredibly toxic and bad and that shouldn’t be normalized. guess which one syndrome falls into

5) the fact that you’re calling us abusive is just funny tbh. i can’t think of a single one of us, me and you included, who haven’t experienced abuse, and us calling pedophilia bad is not abuse lol

anyway thanks for reading. i hope you get over yourself and stop making a bad server experience into way more than it fucking was. also i’ll stop making my big drama public (drama that isn’t related to other people being obviously bigoted) when people stop blocking me before we can have a proper conversation about it. and again, for posterity, i have not been lurking on this person’s blog. i’ve just been linked shit.

[pr0sciutt0]

just gonna answer some more anons about the plus size reader stuff below the cut so i don’t clog up the dashboards of all of u lovely followers and then regular service will resume!!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Yay!! Im so excited! Thank you for being willing to write for poc! Readers and im excited to read the fic you linked! As a plus size girl myself, Whenever I read fics where the reader is I cant help but feel more confident about the parts of me Im self conscious about. Also im so glad you write with us in mind ❤️❤️ and Ive got even more admiration for your work! That anon must not realize most fics are small figure based 🙄 im sure they can get over it. They were being rude.

representation is important!!! i have life experience of writing for characters with dysphoria and chubby characters and lots of others so seeing them represented makes me feel happy, and i’m glad i can do something for other ppl too!! just pls remember that i am white and i may very well fuck up so pls do not be afraid to call me out!!! <3 

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Oh geez, there's plenty of reader fics I don't read because they don't apply to me (like of a specific gender or sexuality) but I just skip them and move on. There's still plenty of stuff out there! I also don't like going into detail about Reader's physical appearance, unless, like you said it's specifically asked for.

bird meme “i am uncomfortable when we are not about me???”. i like to write vague stuff so as many people can connect to it as possible! that’s why if i get an ask that’s very obviously for someone’s o/c or whatever i prefer not to answer it bc i want my content to be enjoyable for lots of people!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Ive read your terzetto fic about a million times and even though its about a chubby reader you still dont describe the body THAT much like???? Anon just say you're fatphobic and move on

and its like. specifically THAT chapter. the body praise self-conscious chapter. i havent reviewed the others in a while so there might be more bigger readers but like, not all of them?! i try not to over-describe even for plus size reader’s bodies bc people carry their weights and stuff so differently! haz and i wear the same size in clothes but we carry our weight differently in different places so we look different!! i want people to Relate!!

jojotrashcan said to pr0sciutt0:Nat!! I just want to thank you for including a chubby reader in your works! As a certified fat gal (tm) it’s hard to identify with works of fiction, and it’s nice finally having something that reflects my body type! So just like a huge thank you from me! You know this already but I love and appreciate all you do for this community, and it always disappoints me to see someone send hate to some one who works so hard for us! Keep your chin up b/c I appreciate seeing diverse fiction!

i love u!!!! idk if i’ve mentioned before but what i want to do when i eventually Get Better At Not Letting My Mental Illness is work in a publishing house, specifically a YA imprint bc i’d like to make a push for more diverse heroines in ya lit!!! (i also wanna WRITE diverse ya heroines but u feel me, one thing at a time)

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:So God forbid someone write for different body types and races I low key just glaze over some fics cause you can tell who it's for even just with little hints of the body or skin type. Can't a girl a plus size girl be loved too by her fictional favorites :(

no . . . fat people . . . MUST BE UNHAPPY. ONLY WAY. 

bubbleu said to pr0sciutt0:Let also include the fact that if in most even kdramas , anime, or any type of tv show or movie if it's a big girl she usually ends up having to lose weight for guys to even like her or even look her way so how dare people be inclusive in fics for fictional people you do you boo I'm happy you're writing for anyone literally fuck that puto

these people are not happy that i’m like a size 18 and my fictional boyfriends still love me. its SO RARE to find a fat gal character where her desire to lose weight isn’t a driving character force. and its always always always framed as a good thing. nobody addresses the original body dislike and just says “WOW IM SO GLAD YOURE NOT FAT ANYMORE” like that isnt gonna leave a lasting scar on the person’s psyche i just

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:F the hater, all my big ladies deserve to fantasize about their hot JoJo spouses too!

this is a BODY POSITIVE space. chubby gals and guys and nonbinary pals. skinny gals and guys and nonbinary pals! hyper femme, hyper masc, androgynous, ones with body hair or traditionally ugly features or visible disabilities or scarring or anything - ur jojo spouses love u

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Anon mad that fat people enjoy stuff smh

local anon unhappy that they have found one fic that is not about them

babyybitchhh said to pr0sciutt0:Anon is an entitled ass and I implore you not to let that message get to you. As you said, mentally replacing words to better match your own physical descriptors is super easy but considering that you’re writing these scenarios for free, no one has the right to complain anyway.Like, at the end of the day its still YOUR writing even if your fulfilling a request and the author will always have final say on the finished product. Consider only writing chubby/fat reader from now on tbh ; )

i am pretty much usually imagining a chubby reader or a reader who looks like me. thats why i do it!!!! i honestly just cant imagine going into another writer’s ask and being like “hey you have given me this piece of backstory about this fic you wrote and i HATE IT, IMMEDIATELY DENOUNCE IT???

[flurrin]

finished Carole and Tuesday (as far as it’s out). it’s just really, really badly written in the end.

I liked the voice acting of the AI-obsessed character, he sounded a lot like Marek from Broken Age.

The animation is...good...but also kind of bad? The designs are so detailed that the movement gets noticeably stunted and all the scenes of really good detailed animation go to the rival, who is just standing on a standing, not even dancing or anything. i don;t understand this decision. you’re going to make these extremely expensive sequences and then not even do a bit of choreography beyond bobbing from side to side and waving her arms sometimes?? some of the techniques are good and clever, i like how Tuesday’s CG guitar looks, it’s very well integrated.

In regards to the LGBT stuff:

A man mentions he’s bisexual in the first episode, but the only man he's attracted to is much younger than him and he'd be compromising an existing relationship (with a woman...) in order to pursue it. (later another man hints at being bisexual but he also is not in a relationship during the series save for...)

After endlessly teasing the idea that they're still attracted to each other and going to get back together, a man's ex wife is revealed to be in a relationship with another woman (complete with someone screaming WHAT? at the top of their fucking lungs)

A woman is gender ambiguous and this is revealed to be due to the environment she grew up in, not because she's transgender or anything. Also she's a completely failed child star so....is the implication that she failed as a star because she got more mannish as she grew.......?

One act called the Mermaid sisters is a group of nonbinary people who "want to create a new type of being" between male and female, as if nb identities don't already exist, and who are just nonstop the butt of "ew, look how weird they are" jokes. They're written and designed to behave like queens in drag and they're set up for failure by the narrative and it's supposed to all be very funny and yikes :/

Like I'm trying not to judge the character designs that intentionally seem to resemble man-in-dress tropes because they're usually not written that way, no one expresses discomfort at their appearances (which is good) but a LOT of them are written with flamboyant gay stereotypes anyway so it's. Uncomfortable

There’s also a Psycho Lesbian who is Tuesday’s biggest fan and messages her constantly, asks for a hug and immediately bites her neck to “mark” her as “mine” and then attacks her savagely when Tuesday says she isn’t interested and it’s wow all kinds of bad. i was afraid she was going to commit suicide, too.

More than that though the writing is so bad that im more than halfway through and i still don't know what the show is supposed to be about. Apparently these two girls Did a Miracle at some point and we're supposed to be excited to see...anything about what that is.

One scene that stood out to me in the beginning is Tuesday walking into Carole’s apartment and saying “Wow, it’s so big!” and Carole explaining it used to be the owner’s storage room (which, by the way, has no value as information given to the audience). Then Carole finds out Tuesday was rich and lived in a mansion and Tuesday is like what??? that’s a mansion?? but everyone on my street lived in a house this size. if Tuesday didn’t think she lived in a mansion, then why would she think the apartment is big???

then when they land their first concert they meet another music star whom they don’t know and who barely knows them and he, unprompted, just gives them completely inapplicable advice (he says like “you know sometimes bands forget the music they set out to make...but you girls...you haven’t forgotten” DUDE THEY JUST STARTED) this is not how humans behave?? he doesn’t ask them any questions or even really greet them he just makes them nervous and then mansplains music to them in a way that makes him seem like an Old Mentor except they’ve literally never met and we will never see him again after this episode, nor will the themes he imparted come into play

They have a rival but literally the FIRST time they meet is like ep 7 and she's just like "I hate you and we're rivals" THAT'S NOT A STRONG RIVALRY JUST BECAUSE YOU INSIST ON TELLING US THAT IT IS.

the fact that we haven't learned anything about one of the main protagonists is played as a SWERVE when we've been sitting here like come on. Just say. You're choosing to withhold this information.

These two girls know nothing about each other and decide to start a band and i really can't picture that happening UNLESS they were a little in love and yet no one ever confronts those feelings and as SOON as they start to have a fight they're just immediately ready to put everything on the line for each other again. This isn't how humans act. None of this is.

anyway it was really disappointing. i didn’t expect it to be a love story, but i expected it to BE A STORY, and it really isn’t. the character’s problems all just get solved with no consequences just CONSTANTLY--their manager gambles away all their money but they’re never seen working part time jobs again regardless, Tuesday’s hand gets STEAM BURNED ALL THE WAY UP HER ARM but she’s fine the next day, Tuesday gets caught and brought home but they just kidnap her back and the TV station somehow still doesn’t know that she’s the daughter of a presidential candidate

i can’t even guess why its set in the future? i think the main themes of the series are supposed to be about AI-constructed music vs. human-constructed music but we, the audience, can’t tell the difference (because in our reality it IS all written by humans), nor are we meant to. it’s so fuckin weird

[raeofgayshine]

I have so many Sanders Sides AU verses (including all those soulmate ones), but there’s two I haven’t posted anything for yet.

One of them has a name and it’s called the Worth The Risk Verse and I already have one story done, working on the second because I feel like it needs to be posted first (as the first one was just mostly a dumb joke) and it’s one of my favorite stories I’ve done, there’s some great Platonic Logince and Logan who is afraid of letting others in because he was hurt so badly and Roman who has been hurt over and over but keeps putting himself out there because he needs to believe it’ll be better and they’re like practically brothers even though they’re completely different, and the whole series is sort of like about the two of them learning that heartache is worth the risk sometimes, which is helped by Patton and Virgil, and also other things life throws at them and it all came from a single dream that I can’t even use half of because the line makes no sense in any real context but I still enjoy it because it gave me this (Like I literally woke up, wrote down the few lines I remember specifically, and then started jotting down information I knew about the verse that I did not consciously think of like it all just existed from that dream). And I don’t know all that much on what can exist inside the main timeline of the verse yet, I have a lot of stuff I want to write that’s just teenage Logince that comes before what I consider the main two stories, which is the one I’m writing now and then the one that will follow it, but nothing so far that comes after (Although I might get inspiration who knows). I really love the verse though, and I love the relationship Logan and Roman have in it, and the things they’ve gotten up to together. Also three out of the four are nonbinary and Logan is trans. Patton is genderfluid and uses shifting pronouns, Virgil is a demiboy and uses he/him, and Ro is just nonbinary and uses they/them. So that’s a fun aspect to write as well.

The second AU I’m working on has a name TBD, but right now I just have it saved as the Orphans AU because, well three of the boys are orphans and Virgil’s parents are just dicks but close enough (Also featuring Foster Dad and eventual Adoptive Dad, Thomas). I mostly only have the background worked out so far for this one, but I do roughly know what I want the first story to be (the main, multi chaptered one). But I do have the characters worked out and I love each of the boys so much.

Like there’s fucking bamf Mom friend Logan who’s the oldest at 12, is trans (because that’s my favorite thing and you can fight me), and has been in the system his whole life. He’s a fucking genius, only cares about the rules that actually make sense to him, will do literally anything to protect his family, and at any given point has about 17 escape plans in case something goes wrong, never afraid to speak his mind especially in defense of his boys, and loves them all to pieces. He spent weeks teaching himself and the others sign language after Virgil showed up

Then there’s Patton who has been in the system since he was a few months old, met Logan when he was like two and immediately got attached (the two are literally almost never apart and most people assume they’re twins), resident Dad friend Patton wants to make everyone feel safe and at home, has a heart too big for this world, loves everyone but is especially protective over his famILY and is willing to fight for them at any given moment. Taught himself to bake with Logan’s help to make it easier for Roman to adjust, but cannot cook to save his life. Patton almost always has a bright smile and a positive attitude that balances Logan’s more realistic nature. Pat is also always ready to cause trouble when necessary.

Roman is the baby and also maybe my favorite, he’s 7, he’s overly dramatic, constantly has his head in the clouds but a lot of that is just because of how he copes. He was raised for five years by a single Mom who was abandoned by everyone for getting pregnant as a teen but worked her ass off to give Ro a decent life and she always took everything that came with a smile, looked on the bright side, and Roman tries to do that for the others now that she’s gone. He’s also deeply afraid of the others “leaving” him like his mom did, which sometimes leads to him being really clingy, but the others rarely mind. Roman likes to play the part of the protector even though he’s the youngest, he dreams of being able to defend others the way Lo and Pat do, which is probably what leads to him bonding with Virgil so much. Patton reminds Roman a lot of his mother, which most of the time Roman loves (although he never talks about his mom much). When he has dreams about her or just starts missing her a lot he usually goes to Logan though (Which may or may not have something to do with the first time they really bonded when Logan found Roman alone crying and held him for hours despite the fact that up until then they had only ever argued).

Virgil is 8, he’s also the newest to the famILY as he only came to the group home after his parents were arrested for drug use. He was only supposed to be there temporarily (and like initially was) until his parents were like proven fit to take him back, but after they do Virgil tries to run off and long story short they’re arrested for child abuse and Virgil is removed from them for good. Virgil suffers from bad anxiety, doesn’t trust people a lot, he also doesn’t talk unless he really really trusts someone (which is why the boys learn sign language to communicate with him easier). It wasn’t easy for the others to get close to V because he was terrified of everything when he first arrived, but slowly they make little steps of progress until Virgil is deeply attached to them all. All three of the others are super protective over him, even Ro, which Virgil finds equal parts confusing and unnecessary but he loves it for the most part. He’s the closest to Patton but he really does love the whole trio, they were his first famILY and they’re like his security blanket. Once he gets comfortable with them Virgil also becomes like surprisingly affectionate, not always in the super obvious ways that Roman is, but given the chance he does like to spend most of his time in some sort of physical contact with the others even if it’s just like sitting close to each other, it helps keep him grounded and feel safe. He also wears an oversized hoodie because it provides a similar comfort of safety.

And they’re all such a cohesive famILY, they’re siblings in every way but blood and the thought of being separated is something they’re so against that Logan has a large number of plans for running away just in case they do try to separate them, Patton is briefed on all of them just in case. Pat and Lo really do look at Virgil and Roman as if they’re their responsibility, especially Logan, to the point where Logan never exactly got to act like a kid because when they were younger he had to take care of Patton and now Virgil and Roman, so when Thomas eventually takes them in one of the things he has to do is teach Logan that he doesn’t have to be an adult anymore which is really hard but so worth it in the end to see Lo light up like a kid on Christmas when they go to the planetarium and Logan lets himself for once not worry if Roman was bored or if Virgil was scared or if Patton was still there and instead just focuses on his own wonder and excitement and childish joy.

And anyways it’s basically just an AU about four boys who had made a famILY and put their defenses up to the outside world learning to trust again and open up and be the kids they were and live without the fears that normally plagued them like other kids did, but they’ll always be closer than normal siblings and especially Patton and Logan who were basically raised together will always rely on each other more than normal but over time they learn they can trust others too and that’s important.

So yeah I’m really in love with my two newest Aus and I can’t wait to share them once the stories are done. Stuff from Worth The Risk should be coming pretty soon but the orphan verse is probably going to have to wait a little bit at least until I finish a few other things I’ve left open

[omnigon]

I mean... not really... the problem here is that I’m terrified of people on this fucking website. I really haven’t HAD my conception of gender challenged because I USED to believe in it, but then I realised it actually doesn’t make sense. I also believe that everything in the human body has a physical cause. I also dislike believing in things that don’t add up just because people insist that they do. Unless some day it’s discovered that it actually, genuinely is a thing instead of some esoteric self-conception like otherkin I can’t bring myself to give in to it. It’s not about nonbinary people and their lives, it’s about how this website punishes people who disagree with the zeitgeist. How there are people who, when I SAY to them that I don’t believe it, will end being absolutely horrible to me. And I will never have any way of knowing until it’s too late.

So, unfortunately you’re wrong. You don’t know my history. I used to ID as nonbinary years ago, until I realised I’m very much just a man in the wrong body. It was after this point that I really really wondered whether or not any of my previous ID was based in fact, or in tumblr pushing an anti-male agenda that made me subconsiously avoid my actual gender for fear of criticism (”If I’m a man then all those anti-man posts end up being about me, and I’m too weak-hearted for that.”) and I feel like this is something that never gets talked about, The massive inconsistensies in nonbinary labels also makes me question the legitimacy of any of it. It’s very easy to choose to identify as something. It really is. I honestly refuse to believe that anyone is born nonbinary the way people are born trans, UNLESS, (and this is the only thing that would ever make me believe) it turns out that atypical gender dysphoria is a thing like ordinary gender dysphoria. But from what I’ve read (and I’m not an ~expert~ or anything) that doesn’t seem to be the case. So... in my opinion... it’s a choice. In my opinion MOST people who ID as nonbinary are just ordinary trans people who haven’t realised it yet. If atypical gender dysphoria is a thing, I doubt as many people would suffer from it like normal dysphoria, unless it turns out to be more common. I don’t know. This is entirely speculation, because we actually don’t know enough to make the call. But on here, obviously, EVERYONE knows it’s totally real and if you disagree then you are, without a doubt, a filthy transphobe who should die. It really reminds me of religion in this case, something I vehemently oppose.

Also my mental health really doesn’t matter right now. I would feel this shitty even if I were overeating. It took me like 5 hours of sleep to realise why any of this is even happening, and that I’ve done this exact fucking thing before. Every time I get even a LITTLE close to someone on here, and I mean even a little, a thing goes off in my brain that makes me think of why they would hate me. With the last person I was ‘friends’ with on here it’s because I renounced feminism (for egalitarianism), and that person is super into social justice, and that was during a period of my life when social justice things on here felt like an obligation instead of anything I was genuine about. But I knew that if I were against feminism they’d hate me and think I was a piece of shit! So I had to cut them off. Then this, someone who was kinda close mutuals with me, I couldn’t get over the fact that we disagree on this thing, and me being terrified me, I had to cut him off too.

This is going to happen to the next person who tries to get even remotely close to me. I’ll accept it for a while, then my brain will do a little flip in my head and tell me to hate myself for having one or two differences, because that person would surely already hate me if they knew. Same shit different day. The only winning move is not to play, clearly. The problem is, I never remember that I do this. Then, when I’m trying to interact with someone, suddenly I feel shame and guilt instead of fun, and the only way to stop it is to push the person away, ‘cause I know that’s what they would want if they knew about it. Rinse and repeat, forgetting every time, because my brain’s ability to remember shit chronologically is so unbelievably shot, until today I actually FORGOT that I used to HAVE a close-ish friend on here. It doesn’t help that I have a very fucked up past where I was in a bizarre, outlandish situation as a child and I did bad things because I was in such a bad environment. I don’t believe in free will anymore (I’m a determinist and I believe that everything has already happened in the sense that the conditions for it are set up right now, and time is mostly a perceptual illusion, and that all human thoughts and ideas come from the subconsious processes of the human brain, the innerworkings of which we may never fully quantify) but I still blame myself for what I chose to do out of anger. It’s the sort of thing that will definitely make me push someone away at some point.

I’m just going to give up. I can’t actually like people because I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m a constant disappointment to myself. I’m a failure. I genuinely shouldn’t even be USING this site because the ‘social’ aspect of social media really flies over my head, to the point where my primary usage of this site is actually to archive posts I like, not share them. I’ve known this for a while, but the dumb monkey part of my brain is still ooh-ooh-ah-ahing for other people’s attention, even though not only is it fake and hollow, I really, really don’t deserve even that, clearly. I can’t make friends. Either I’m too stupid for someone, or when I DO get a little close, I sabotage it by pushing them away before they can even get to know me. I don’t even know why I do it, except I’m terrified of being hated. That’s the bottom line, that’s the REAL reason I’m twisted up about all this. I feel like I have many hateworthy aspects and this website seems to punish those who refuse to conform. There’s clearly no point in me trying to find friendship. I need to realise that at this point it’s just not going to happen. I have a desire but no drive, I never, ever talk to new people (Or even people I’ve talked to before) because they terrify me (I mean, what if they’re a genius or a great artist or an asshole or something) so I just sit here and pretend that people I’ve never talked to actually give a shit about me. It’s pathetic. I need to just stop, and realise that NO ONE actually gives a shit about me, there’s no reason to, and since I’m going to ruin it ANYWAY I may as well spare myself the ache and not even bother trying.

I have no idea if this is how other people experience this shit website, I really don’t. I just know that I feel like I’ve been stuck on this site for so long I don’t have any alternatives (and IRL is out of the question). I also have no idea what I’m “supposed” to be doing here or whether I’m using the fucking website correctly. I just... I don’t know. I’m going to give up. Reblog cat videos. Speak my mind even though I know some day an anon will tell me to KMS and I’ll have to actually consider it because everyone else is worth so much more than me, if one of them wants me dead, there HAS to be a good, well-thought-out reason for it. Because everyone is smarter than I am (and I mean fucking everyone I am dumb as dirt). I want to not give a shit and just do me, but whenever I see a post I disagree with, I imagine myself reblogging with my dissenting opinion, and then being made fun of by OP, losing my followers and ending up getting harassed by people who know literally nothing else about me. It’s not like this is outlandish, anyway, we all know how tumblr is. I just feel like once I’m Hated I no longer get to be a person, so even my suffering doesn’t matter. I mean something like this has happened before, but thankfully it was small. I told someone that what they said about people with my specific internal experiences on this one specific thing was actually really untrue, because I experience the thing they said was impossible and just a fad. They told me that not only was the sad, crying message I sent them the funniest thing they’d seen all week, but that I was actually misinterpreting my internal experiences. Now? I never, ever, ever talk about my system and when I DO it’s super short and covert. Because I’m afraid of being called fake. So I guess I’m a hypochrite in this regard. Just proves how shitty I am. Doesn’t change the fact that this website is fucking awful about disagreements. I mean, after that exchange I got an ask about something I said in the PM, which meant that I got screenshotted and made fun of. I guess I kind of deserved it for being openly upset while disagreeing with someone. Obviously on the Internet the whole “U mad?” thing has been going on for years. So as a highly emotional fucking person I don’t GET to be a part of disagreements, because the way I do it is wrong.

Because of all this shit, the shit I went through on this site and IRL, I have learned that I don’t matter, my thoughts and feelings don’t matter, and my wellbeing doesn’t matter. Thankfully, I’m a nihilist who believes that nothing has any inherent meaning or value, everything just Is, so me being human actually means nothing more than the sum of my parts+ my consciousness, making me worth about as much as any average mammal on planet Earth. I don’t think any one really matters though. I mean sure to each other we do, but that’s only because as a social species we have a natural altrustic drive. This is why we THINK we matter when in reality we are animate dust, held together by tape and glue, kept conscious by an organ that has literally gotten us here through sheer trial-and-error. I always hate saying this stuff because I know it makes me sound cold, but I’ve seen the darkest parts of people. I’ve seen humans treated like literal garbage. If humans had inherent value this would be impossible. Just like if God were real this would be impossible. It’s stupid how caught up I am in how other people feel about me when I know objectively, when I’m in the ground, none of it will matter. That, cosmically, none of anything matters. Actually, when I was a young teenager I was so, so distraught by my cosmic insignificance. I can’t help but be a nihlist. I mean, now I’ve come to terms with it and rejected the ideas of God or an afterlife specifically because they place undue importance on humans.

So I’m going to keep sitting here feeling like shit because at this point I have no fucking clue what I could do to feel better that doesn’t require effort I can’t expend right now. I’m not going to fucking eat because I really feel like I don’t fucking need it OR deserve it. Besides, I don’t do this very often, and I was a huge asshole by cutting him off like that. I have no idea how he feels about it but I know that this is the end. And I hate it. It hurts. It hurts but I can never, ever make myself not do it, because the alternative is stewing in anxiety and feeling increasingly nervous about lying by omission by not telling people how I really feel about things. I’m going to be fine, I already covered my forearms in bruises (and stupid dainty crushable little wrists to a lesser degree) so it’s not like witholding food is going to make things even worse somehow. In fact, sometimes when I’m hungry I can’t cry at all, so really I think it’s a good thing to punish myself.

Besides, I’m a really, really shitty person and I don’t deserve to live.

[legendofgrump]

OC Breakdown: Your Guide to Which Fucked Up Dorks to Love and Which Ones to Hate

This is gonna be a looooong post but if you’re interested in my OCs then buckle up because I think you might like it! I’m just gonna give you guys some little blurbs about who’s who, since I’ve gotten a ton of new people that seem to be interested since the last time I explained it. Under a cut because sheer length~

Firefly: Origin from an old Grump AU that turned into an OC, hence why he looks so much like Dan. He’s a harbinger of death who hosts lost souls in the form of fireflies and tries to help them move on to the afterlife by helping them accomplish whatever unfinished business they have. He’s very helpful and unselfish, but doesn’t take great care of himself. Luckily, he’s immortal so he can get away with it more than others can. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that he! needs! sleep!

Marianne: A big, 6′4″ spider-creature with one eye and four arms. She’s very animal-like, like a big doggo that loves to be petted. She kiiiind of feeds off of humans usually, but she’s curbed that for other meats since she became a part of normal human society. Now the biggest danger to you is the possibility that she might eat your entire garden. She’s very strong and fast, but also was kicked out of her homeland because of some heavy manipulation by someone she considered a friend. Now she kind of has trust issues with both others and herself.

Melanie “Snail” Rose: Literally never call them Melanie. It’s their birthname but they would immediately tense up if you called them that. Mostly because they left the name behind because 1) Too Girly and 2) it’s the name they went by when they were in a shitty abusive relationship with their last boyfriend. But then they chopped all their hair off, changed their name, and moved far away so that they could get away from that guy, so they’re much happier now. Plus, I mean, they’re a Sick freelance artist now which is their dream. Also a memelord with a massive sex drive.

Andy the Android: Originally named “Flirtbot3000″ and created by some shut-in nerds that think of women as objects, they were designed to literally be like a human sex doll. But I mean, they’re a robot, so they’re not actually human. You get the idea. But somewhere along the line, that went haywire, Andy had a massive glitch and lapse of memory, fell in love with a backwater bumfuck farmboy named Daniyal and essentially turned into a happy housewife. They love cooking and clothes and just making things Pretty, but are also lowkey the Mom Friend. Like they get Baby Fever really easily and love love love children.

Beauregard “Bo” Gray: One half of the Partners In Crime, Bo came from an affluent household and became a rebellious college kid just looking for a thrill. He got super into alcohol and partying way before he really should have and got tied up with this small chick named Esky. He gets into robbery and gunmanship just for the thrill of it and also because he totally falls in love way too easily. A dumb alcoholic that just loves love, basically. He tries his best, but sometimes he’s too posh for his own good.

Esky Clarke: The other half of the Partners In Crime. She lived a rough life until she decided to take matters into her own hands. She lives off of whatever she steals and travels the world trying not to get caught by police. She’s a self-taught gunner and pretty ruthless because she believes it’s either fight for what you need, or get nothing. But she still knows how to have a good time and loves to fuck around with people by hustling them in gambling or something.

Venus Milo Cordette: Venus is an alien from outerspace that came to Earth for an adventure and ended up becoming an international pop star. She tries her best to keep the fact that she’s an alien under wraps by hiding her third eye under her bangs and pretending that her unnatural skin tone is extreme dedication and body paint. But she’s also very unknowledgeable about the world around her, so she often fucks up things that any human would know (i.e. where she’s from). She’s kinda goofy, but super sweet and lovable, and very much cares about the people that are nice to her. She’s super curious and loves to learn new things about the Earth, but sometimes she has trouble retaining it.

Bailey Ames: A nonbinary buttkicker. Bailey is here to kick ass if you fuck with anyone they care about. Or if you’re just a general dick. Not afraid to punch an asshole for catcalling them. Loves their two girlfriends to death and has been with them both since high school. They’re a hair stylist at the local salon, but they also absolutely adore painting, especially landscapes and abstract pieces. They’re the type of person that will say hi to you if you look lonely at the bus stop and to start conversations by asking for your pronouns.

Megan Blackwell: She looks like your typical valley girl, and sounds like one, too, but she’s too busy getting her PhD in Quantum Physics to give a shit what you think about it. She’s overworked and can only afford college because of the tons of scholarships and the work study she takes on, but she’s not the type to give up even if it seems impossible. She’d much sooner chug 8 energy drinks and stay up until 6am finishing that paper than admit defeat. She’s typically very cold to warm up to people, but she’s very loving once she does and a very affectionate person who likes to be touchy. Also one of Bailey’s girlfriends.

Nikki Osborne: Bailey and Megan’s girlfriend that completes the trifecta of Polybabes. She dropped out of high school to become a rockstar because she believed in her little garage band of her friends. (The band is called Death Kittens, by the way.) The fact that she feels like she’s let a lot of people down by dropping out only pushes her forward in trying even harder and making things succeed. She’s the bassist, and by day she works a shitty minimum wage job to make sure she’s not mooching off her girlfriends. She’s a generally chill and relaxed person unless she’s majorly stressed out, but she’ll usually lock herself away if that happens.

Leanna “Cookie” Lewis: A cute, sheepy, trans boy that lived with just his mom growing up. He learned everything he knows from her, which is great, because he loves his mom more than anything. His favorite pass time is baking, especially pastries, and he’s a real whiz in the kitchen, but he’s also pretty talented at playing the ukulele. He’s very shy and anxious and prefers to stay out of confrontation, which is why he usually flocks toward more confrontational extroverts to keep him safe (though he doesn’t do it on purpose). He works as a little barista at a coffee shop, which wouldn’t be so bad if his coworkers weren’t actual assholes.

Blythe Abilene: Blythe is the Goddess of Illusions and lovingly refers to herself as “Aphrodite, but with the body of Adonis” since she’s trans. She’s pretty confident in herself, mostly because she’s literally a God among mortals, and sometimes it gets a little out of hand. For the most part though, she’s just a professional prankster, who loves to torture mortals with what she calls “Fun Houses,” where she essentially turns their home into a cacophony of small inconveniences. Anything from “can’t open your underwear drawer” to “coffee pot full of butterflies” to “all furniture moved one inch to the left” is fair game, but nothing too threatening.

Cleona Arkan: She’s an avid inventor, aiming to invent AI technology that’s better than ever. But she doesn’t always go through....legal means. Which just makes her a little bit paranoid about getting caught because she knows she’ll be detained and, more important, her inventions taken from her and used for who-knows-what. She’s very talented with computers and robotics alike, even going so far as to invent Glitch who, though not a success, is still pretty successful at other things. She’ll also help patch up Andy from time to time, if they need a little tune-up.

Maxim: A demon meant to take advantage and feed off of mortal anxieties. He lives on the other side of your mirror and takes advantage of that. He’s the most irredeemable asshole to ever exist and he takes pride in that. He’s so narcissistic that you couldn’t possibly hurt his feelings with words or remarks about his personality because he thinks he’s amazing. Though he is susceptible to well placed punches. He’s not above using anything against you, whether it be slurs or just subtle jabs at whatever you’re most sensitive about. Just the worst.

Gigi Moore: Based on old 50′s Disney cartoon style. She’s meant to be from the past, where things were much Different than they are now. She’s a bit of an antithesis to Maxim, as she’s also susceptible to saying things that aren’t Acceptable, but she tries to learn from them when she’s corrected. She used to be a 50s housewife to her husband before she ended up where she is now, but comes to find out she’s actually a very repressed lesbian. At first she has a hard time coming to terms with it, but being around positive influences helps her to learn and better herself and actually accept herself for who she is.

The Glitch: Cleona’s invention. She’s got an old CRT monitor for a head and four arms, but, as exemplified by her name, she doesn’t exactly do what she’s supposed to. She was designed to be a cleaning robot, made perfectly for cleaning up anything and everything. Except....she’s not waterproof and, the first time Cleona tried to get her to do some dishes, she got water in her circuits and it made her flip out. She’s constantly having an identity crisis and just wants to be useful, but honestly she’s not sure how to do it since she can’t do what she was made for.

Rory of Rine: Rory was born in some kind of Legend of Zelda, High Fantasy bullshit land in a village full of normal people. Except that he’s a special person who was born with the unfortunate ability to see how someone will die the first time they touch him. For the longest time it plagued him, but eventually he fessed up and told his grandmother about it. The two of them tried to get him help, but it only served to make his village angry and fearful, gouging out his eyes and then chasing him out of the village. So for many years he lived on his own, raising cows peacefully and coming to terms with himself. And now he’s slowly learning to not repress things as he dates Daniyal (along with Andy, it’s a poly thing).

Ellie Ross: She’s an empath with a strong need for attention and affection. She only feels worth for herself if someone else is validating her, so she constantly craves other people’s love, which is how she falls into Maxim’s hold for the longest time. She does a lot of questionable things that aren’t necessarily good, but all she’s looking for is to feel good about herself. She’s also got the ability to briefly manipulate people’s emotions, which helps in making people like her, but it only holds for so long unless she actively holds them herself.

Diana “Wolf” Lowell: A trans boy werewolf with a tragic past. He’s on a path of vengeance to find the person who killed his beloved Fang. Maxim promises him the chance to get that person if Wolf helps him out some, so of course he agrees. He’s driven by anger and angst, but ultimately just wants closure and to feel Okay again. He’s overly aggressive and, well honestly, more of a lycan than a werewolf, since he can transform at will. But I call him a werewolf so.

Ant: Ant is but ten years old and fell into Maxim’s grasp because they didn’t have anything else and he was all they really knew. They weren’t raised in the best of conditions (and honestly they weren’t “raised” at all), so they’re constantly caked in dirt and grime and blood. Which, honestly, they’ve grown used to and now it’s just familiar to them. Their use for Maxim comes from their ability to communicate and summon ants--hence the name--the best part being that those ants can then form a larger, rideable ant, which Ant has named Leafcutter, very creatively. They’re a bit wild, but just generally an actual Child, where they like to have fun and feel loved and useful.

Lyar (of Quadrant 85439): The son of a diplomat that absolutely hates politics. More specifically, an alien boy that is meant to take over the job after his father passes it down to him. He’s been groomed all his life to take over the position and become the next voice for his people, but he absolutely hates it. Not to mention, he’d be horrible for the job considering he’s a compulsive liar with no desire to be kind to anyone who has nothing to offer him. He’s more interested in fashion and, essentially comes to Earth to get away from his family. He doesn’t have a mouth, so his main mode of communication is ASL, which he learned as part of his training to communicate with other planets. (He knows roughly 8,000 different languages, though not all of them Well.)

Arthur “Artie” Jackson: A simple boy with a simple dream to become a world famous hockey player. Except it took him the longest time to realize he was gay and now he’s Really Nervous About It. His best friend Jade, who used to be his girlfriend, is the only other person who really knows about it and he’d never dare to tell his team for fear of the repercussions. But he’s very dedicated to his sport and keeps dragging out his college years because he keeps getting offered scholarships if he stays “just one more year.” Also he drives a motorcycle which is super cool.

Adara of Derva: Adara is a faun who was raised in a simple village to a simple family. Except that a great evil was foretold for their village and their older sister, Jaya, would be the one to save it. Except Jaya was selfish and went off on an adventure before she could get the power necessary to do the saving, so Adara was saddled with her destiny instead. They were gifted magical fire powers from a local witch and trained to use them, but when the time came to defeat the beast, they couldn’t bring themselves to do it in time and their whole village was destroyed. They spent the rest of their life looking for a new place to settle down and trying to move past their own mistakes.

King Balthazar Leviarn III: He’s a young king, but a king nonetheless. His father died far too soon in a war for the kingdom and Balthazar took the throne, though his mother still assists him in governing. His mother is much more cold and dedicated to keeping things running smoothly and effectively, rather than doing what’s morally right, whereas Balthazar is a more caring and nurturing kind of guy. He likes to protect his people and wouldn’t hesitate to take the front lines in a war he believed in, just like his father had before him.

Dahlia Harrison: Dahlia is the lead guitarist in Nikki’s band Death Kittens. She’s the oldest of the four members, though only by a year and a half. While the other three are much more outward with their emotions, Dahlia is a more quiet and thoughtful type. That being said, if you make her mad, she has a cold fury that will literally ruin you from the inside out. The only person she’s overtly open and emotional with is her girlfriend Toshiko.

Toshiko Koizumi: Lead singer of Death Kittens and probably the least assuming one of the group. She’s very much into cutesy and sweet things more than typically punk things. And she definitely dresses as such, too. But the band happily accepts her and knows that she can lay down some sick bars about angsty emotions. She was born in Japan, but moved to America with her dad after her parents got divorced. She still has a great relationship with her mom, but they don’t get to see each other as often since she’s still in Japan. But she’s also a very extroverted and friendly girl that loves to chat to people about whatever they’re interested in, and she loves her girlfriend Dahlia to death.

Cynthia “Cynth” Woods: The very small, but very high energy drummer of Death Kittens. She’s the one that came up with the name and is constantly coming up with new ideas about the band in general. She’s probably the most actively dedicated (though none of the others are apathetic toward the band at all). She’s fiery and a bit prideful, but definitely deserves to be with how talented she is at her craft. She’s even perfected drumming with four drumsticks at once, as ridiculous as it sounds. Still, Cynth is a good and loyal friend that will stomp your organs in if you fuck with her or someone she cares about.

Lorna: Lorna is similar to Maxim in terms of origin. She also comes from the land behind your mirror, but she’s a personification of depression instead of anxiety. She’s much less aggressive, but also very compelling when it comes to convincing you that everything would be better if you just slept it all away (or worse). She’s extremely unmotivated to do things unless they adhere to some stupid impulse that may or may not be harmful to herself. But she’s a generally kind person who really just needs some love in her life. Unfortunately, the kind of love she doesn’t need is the massive crush Maxim has on her.

Ethan Parks: Ethan is one of Snail’s friends from art school. He was a graphic design major that lived for making things look clean and Super Cool. He was a little bit of a lazy ass when it came to college, waiting until the last minute on every project, but had that magical talent of making something amazing the night before every time. He’s a little bit goofy, but a good-hearted boy nonetheless, and loves to party and hang out with friends until late into the night.

Jack Hughes: Another one of Snail’s art friends. Jack was more interested in videography, cinematography, and performance art. He’s pretty shy and quiet off-camera, but once he’s got something to perform, he seems like a total extrovert. He’s not afraid to get the public involved in his pieces as well, even if it’s something really weird, but when he shows it off for critique or just because someone asked to see his work, he gets extremely shy and stutters a lot trying to explain it. He’ll definitely geek out about anything film related, especially when it comes to improv and camera work.

Kitty Dupree: Kitty is the resident studio major of the friend group. She loves painting and has always wanted to have her work in a gallery. She usually works with canvas and paint, but she’s definitely not shy about experimenting with different mediums. Her canvases tend to be HUGE and her materials can range from normal paint to literal blood, so all of her paintings are generally exciting to look at. Though she’s a big fan of abstract pieces, so don’t expect to find immediate meaning in them. She’s generally bubbly and affectionate, and lives life with the mindset of “friends until you’re a dick” right from the moment she meets you.

Jonah King: They were Snail’s roommate in college, and a totally great friend for them when they were going through a rough time. Jonah is a little softspoken, but otherwise outgoing and friendly! They’re an extremely talented sketch artist that fills sketchbook after sketchbook with gestures and people-watching studies. They’re almost always doodling, but also very attentive and good at listening. Jonah is just an all around great friend to have, honestly.

[mcrmadness]

Another pointless post oncoming so beware... and this time it’s actually about something I haven’t really even talked about on Tumblr? My gender, I mean. I’ve mainly just talked about it on tags of posts I guess. So anyway, I’m “nonbinary afab” and (would love to) go by they/them or just anything that is gender neutral. But I don’t count myself under “trans” because I’m not really bothered by my looks. Or well, I am bothered by my looks but it’s not gender related, I just am not happy with it in general.

And I’m pretty sure that other things that affect the fact I feel nonbinary are: my fear of men and me being asexual and aromantic. Unfortunately I was born with a body that is not attractive to myself but let’s just say I’m very curvy. I envy women who have very flat chest and it annoys me that out of all people, I was the one get a body that is very close to what many women actually pay to achieve. And I hate every inch of those parts because I don’t want them. And the reason why I don’t want them is the fact I’m asexual and how sexualized women often are and even when I’m not facing anything like that at all, I still often am very self-aware and feeling like an object.

My bodyshape is what always gives me and my birth gender away, I’m always seen as a woman, no matter how huge clothes I would wear. Even tho I sometimes do feel like I’d look bit genderless (depending on my mood, I’m mainly either agender or a mixture of woman and man, but never 100% just man or woman), it’s still not an option to people and they have to choose one of the two and it’s always female. Just like it was never an option to myself when I was growing up and knew only about two genders. That’s why I always identified as a female because I did not feel like a boy, so my only option was what I aleady had: being a girl. I was probably a teenager already when I first time even heard about intersex, I remember watching a document and it was fascinating but also very confusing. What comes to the sexualization of women: I just feel like my body would attract wrong kind of men because of the way it is. And as an asexual, I’m always so worried about that because I don’t want to look “sexy” when I don’t even fucking understand what that word means! In my head when I connect that with men and me I just get intrusive thoughts, I wouldn’t find it flattering but just highly distressing and uncomfortable. This is why I started to cover my body in the first place, I was having so strong intrusive thoughts about men and their motives (and I had absolutely no reason to, but hey, that’s why they’re called intrusive thoughts and irrational fears) that I felt exposed all the time unless I was wrapping myself into clothes that won’t show too much of my shapes. I’m literally terrified of going anywhere alone because I’m so afraid of men, even tho I also know that my fear is very irrational. But at least I’ve got super unattractive face which is a lifesaver lol.

To nonbinary: I don’t usually like to educate people about this because I feel like I should hand out some leaflets about what nonbinary is. (And the only info in there would be “Google it.”) Cos I feel like... well, if a cis- or transperson corrects someone who misgenders them, it’s a case closed. But I feel that as a nonbinary, what I’d just face would be “why? what is it?” when all I would want to have as an answer is “alright”. I might be overthinking it, but I tell about it to people who I know are aware of these things but I don’t say anything about it to anyone whose views I don’t know. And same goes for anything, be it political views or what ever, I don’t want to participate in a conversation unless I know already what they think about the topics cos I don’t feel like facing different opinions, especially if they come from people who are very loud and mean.

I think I’d be happy in my body if I could change some things, but these things have nothing to do with missing or having too many bodyparts. Just the general look. I have no urge to undergo surgeries because my case is more like body dysmorphia than dysphoria - I know what to change but I also know it would sitll never be what I want so it would just be waste of time. I also feel like I might be able to achieve that with just losing weight but I don’t seem to be able to loose weight. And I anyway am more like a dreamer than doer. I feel lazy and would love to have everything without doing anything about it. And with my dissociation and depersonalisation... to be honest, I don’t give a fuck about my body. That’s why it doesn’t bother me. I’m completely disconneted from it. (And due to my open heart surgery at the age of 3 years, I have a medical trauma and I would be absolutely terrified of being put to sleep again. And mentally I wouldn’t be able to deal with all that again.)

I’ll make another post that was the main reason to start writing this but this really got out of hand again so just gonna leave this here and do a, hopefully, shorter post about the other topic which is slightly related to this one...