#peni and her asexual dads tbh
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does this make me a furry. actaually. dont answer that
#theyre so old men in love idc idc#hamnoir#spider noir#peter porker#spider ham#? is it spider ham. idk how to tag thiss#hamnoir fanart#peni and her asexual dads tbh#i gotta draw them 2gether soon bc. head in hands.#also ik ham looks nothing like spiderverse but idrc š#also they have DEFINITELY been like 'omg we should dress up as roger and jessica!' then both dressed up as jessica and NEVER discussed it.#idk if its clear but noirs. thinking about all this. hes like woag.#my art
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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question
so iām writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of yāall to relate and iām already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, iāve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.Ā
tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (donāt read this if you know me irl and havenāt personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause weāre talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (iāll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything
so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. thereās a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so sheāll try to find me somewhere else to go if they donāt take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i donāt miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and iāve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)
pros:
voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice isĀ āalways squeakyā according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk thatās just the tea.Ā
i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think iād rather be a solid tenor because thatās the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl
side note apparently a lot of trans guys have maleĀ āinternal voicesā but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because iām a very literal person and thatās why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that iām trans at all... thatās dumb af i know itās just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl
more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew iād see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so iām at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro
bottom growth. ik itās still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but iād have... something? that would be nice.Ā
side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just havenāt figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that
NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS
if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself
fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i donāt care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems
having a more angular face. doesnāt happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didnāt even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.
veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know
lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right
neutrals:
facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but iāve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh iām never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion
body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but iām a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao
hair loss at temples. i just donāt care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*
scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i donāt really care what i smell like as long as i donāt smell like a dumpster fire? i shower itās fine lmao
rougher skin? i dont know if iād like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so
acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and donāt really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? itās an annoyance but not really a con
cons:
increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasnāt been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i canāt get off unless iām completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con
emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i donāt need it made worse. itāll fuck my life up for real
increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do
so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and whatās more, all of the cons are things that donāt have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?
the main reason iām hesitant is iām afraid iāll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasnāt a crew neck and one guy saying heād rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope heās grown the fuck up!! iām not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention iāve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless weāre counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didnāt say āiām not a girlā until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didnāt fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didnāt know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i donāt get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isnāt likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was āgender neutralā and didnāt rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didnāt have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasnāt true. so what the hell am i waiting for.
like i know i shouldnāt be doubting at this point because itās so, so obvious that iām trans. just because i didnāt try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didnāt have a penis doesnāt mean iām not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldnāt say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didnāt have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarahās house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence āis this what iām supposed to be like?ā and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how āandrogynousā (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer iād ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the āguyā in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my āangularā figure and jaw, Ā and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked veryĀ āqueerā (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally wentĀ āhmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look likeā and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasnāt a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so iād be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldnāt imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because iām 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldnāt figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was āthat is not my body,ā and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldnāt ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for
seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinkingĀ āthat doesnāt look like me,ā and i was 13 and looking in the mirror sayingĀ āthat doesnāt look like me,ā and i went through all of my adolescence waiting forĀ āpuberty to turn me into a girlā and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i canāt believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of ānormal girlā so i wouldnāt get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking āpuberty hasnāt turned me into a girl yetā and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasnāt a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasnāt going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now iām 19 and donāt leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and iād wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).Ā like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldnāt question them for a second. but because itās me and iām likeĀ āwhat if iām transwashing my memories? what if iām gaslighting myself?ā iām still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that theyāre trans. tell me itās okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me itās okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though itās okay if i DO decide to detransition and itās so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.
if you read this all the way to the end hereās an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i canāt even blame substances for this behaviorĀ
#kieran screams into the void#to t or not to t#that is the question#i think i should go on t after rereading this post#but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know#also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self#im here to provide the most quality entertainment#it took me 3 hours to type this
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