#peni and her asexual dads tbh
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trademarkdraws Ā· 1 year ago
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does this make me a furry. actaually. dont answer that
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i-want-to-be-manhandled Ā· 6 years ago
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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question
so iā€™m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of yā€™all to relate and iā€™m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, iā€™ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.Ā 
tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (donā€™t read this if you know me irl and havenā€™t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause weā€™re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (iā€™ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything
so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. thereā€™s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so sheā€™ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they donā€™t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i donā€™t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and iā€™ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)
pros:
voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice isĀ ā€œalways squeakyā€ according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk thatā€™s just the tea.Ā 
i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think iā€™d rather be a solid tenor because thatā€™s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl
side note apparently a lot of trans guys have maleĀ ā€œinternal voicesā€ but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because iā€™m a very literal person and thatā€™s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that iā€™m trans at all... thatā€™s dumb af i know itā€™s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl
more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew iā€™d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so iā€™m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro
bottom growth. ik itā€™s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but iā€™d have... something? that would be nice.Ā 
side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just havenā€™t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that
NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS
if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself
fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i donā€™t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems
having a more angular face. doesnā€™t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didnā€™t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.
veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know
lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right
neutrals:
facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but iā€™ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh iā€™m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion
body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but iā€™m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao
hair loss at temples. i just donā€™t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*
scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i donā€™t really care what i smell like as long as i donā€™t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower itā€™s fine lmao
rougher skin? i dont know if iā€™d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so
acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and donā€™t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? itā€™s an annoyance but not really a con
cons:
increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasnā€™t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i canā€™t get off unless iā€™m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con
emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i donā€™t need it made worse. itā€™ll fuck my life up for real
increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do
so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and whatā€™s more, all of the cons are things that donā€™t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?
the main reason iā€™m hesitant is iā€™m afraid iā€™ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasnā€™t a crew neck and one guy saying heā€™d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope heā€™s grown the fuck up!! iā€™m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention iā€™ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless weā€™re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didnā€™t say ā€œiā€™m not a girlā€ until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didnā€™t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didnā€™t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i donā€™t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isnā€™t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was ā€œgender neutralā€ and didnā€™t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didnā€™t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasnā€™t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.
like i know i shouldnā€™t be doubting at this point because itā€™s so, so obvious that iā€™m trans. just because i didnā€™t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didnā€™t have a penis doesnā€™t mean iā€™m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldnā€™t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didnā€™t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarahā€™s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence ā€œis this what iā€™m supposed to be like?ā€ and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how ā€œandrogynousā€ (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer iā€™d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the ā€œguyā€ in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my ā€œangularā€ figure and jaw, Ā and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked veryĀ ā€œqueerā€ (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally wentĀ ā€œhmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look likeā€ and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasnā€™t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so iā€™d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldnā€™t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because iā€™m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldnā€™t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was ā€œthat is not my body,ā€ and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldnā€™t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for
seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinkingĀ ā€œthat doesnā€™t look like me,ā€ and i was 13 and looking in the mirror sayingĀ ā€œthat doesnā€™t look like me,ā€ and i went through all of my adolescence waiting forĀ ā€œpuberty to turn me into a girlā€ and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i canā€™t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of ā€œnormal girlā€ so i wouldnā€™t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking ā€œpuberty hasnā€™t turned me into a girl yetā€ and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasnā€™t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasnā€™t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now iā€™m 19 and donā€™t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and iā€™d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).Ā  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldnā€™t question them for a second. but because itā€™s me and iā€™m likeĀ ā€œwhat if iā€™m transwashing my memories? what if iā€™m gaslighting myself?ā€ iā€™m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that theyā€™re trans. tell me itā€™s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me itā€™s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though itā€™s okay if i DO decide to detransition and itā€™s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.
if you read this all the way to the end hereā€™s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i canā€™t even blame substances for this behaviorĀ 
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