#pedro pascal crackfic

[almostempty]

Cargo

(joel x f!reader, din x f!reader, frankie x f!reader) | wc: 4.9k | other fics | Ao3

summary: smuggler!joel finds you and brings you to his partner in crime, with a side of gratuitous smut and a special guest along the way (full spoiler summary under the warnings/tags) 

note: this is for my lovely @auterdelabre, and it was inspired by the line you wrote when i joked about joel using “cargo” as a pet name (and a couple other things i had to mix in there) 

extra note: i hope this can bring a lil distraction in light of the heavy reality of today, fuck fascists – just don’t fuck them

warnings/tags: mdni explicit, smut, smuggler!joel, dubcon, oral, piv, degradation, ‘whore’ and one (1) ‘slut’, truly pwp - like the plot is just p, pls let me know if i missed anything important, weds warnings: doin’ it/fillin’ it up unprotected with no consequences bc it’s fiction and in the words of Wu-Tang Clan’s Ol’ Dirty Bastard in Shimmy Shimmy Ya - Ooooh, Baby, I like it raw; f!reader is able-bodied–this time this bish has hair that joel can worm his fingers into, no y/n, likely many mistakes bc i yam who i yam 

FULL SPOILER SUMMARY: crackfic crossover: star wars smuggler!joel finds you and y’all fuck, he brings you to his partner dark!din and y’all fuck, but surprise! smuggler!joel and dark!din were your co-stars for your independent porn. your bf, Frankie (who played the Mandalorian), is just so turned on watching you edit the video that…you guessed it! y’all fuck) 

The clear water rushes downstream, rippling around your legs as you step toward the bank and the soft grass. The sunlight filtering through the forest canopy makes the surface of the stream sparkle like glitter. But, you. You are the star of the scene. 

You glow like you’re a creature drawn from the sun and the soil, from the woods and the water. Crystal-clear droplets of water race along your skin, rolling over your curves and dripping back into the current to flow down, down, down to another body of water. 

You appear meditative, attuned to nature's tranquility, disregarding the universe's relentlessly unjust chaos. The ugliness and the violence. The balance. The dark. 

Joel lurks in the trees, waiting to make his presence known. Holding out for an opportunity to strike. He creeps out of the treeline with deft precision, like a shadow. You’re only partially dressed, still bent over your bag, searching for something when he gets close.  

“Don’t think you’ll need to worry about that anymore.” 

He’s not loud, but his gruff voice still disturbs the serenity. A jarring interruption to the leaves rustling in the breeze and the birdsongs echoing above. You take one long breath before you look him in the eye. Dropping your bag, you raise your hands in surrender. 

You have nothing. No weapons, no defense, no chance of getting far if he’s tracked you down already. “How did you find me?” You square your shoulders, standing your ground despite your disadvantaged position. 

“It’s my job,” he replies simply. 

He circles around you slowly, appraising you, eyes roaming over your exposed skin. Your tight shorts and thin undershirt don’t leave much for him to imagine, but you refuse to shrink or hide. You assess him yourself, and realization spreads across your face. You mutter his name aloud. Joel. 

He pauses just behind you and hooks a finger under the thin strap along your shoulder, teasing down the skin before snapping it like a rubber band. You stifle a wince. Just because he has you alone and barely dressed in the wilderness doesn’t mean you intend to give easily. You keep your chin raised in a proudly defiant stance. 

Joel chuckles dangerously at you, stepping closer. He rests his large palms atop your shoulders. It would be a sweet portrait of the two of you if it weren’t for the reality of the circumstance. Instead, his body is oppressive, so broad compared to you that it’s like you’re caged in, locked in a gravitational pull towards him, despite being in the open air. 

Your distaste for his presence has your body rigid and tense. You’re holding your breath as he leers at your body over your shoulder. His fingers dig into the flesh over the ridge of your clavicle like the claws of a predator ready to fly you away or tear you apart. 

“Are you going to come along willingly now?” he asks. The bass of his voice sends a shiver down your spine despite his furnace of a chest radiating into your back. The question hangs ominously between you. The or left unsaid. 

You swallow slowly, muttering an agreement and turning so you’re face to face. Your eyes dart across his features, and it’s strangely intimate. Something heavy in the closeness of your mouths, the shared breaths you take. His humanity is so apparent. You could reach out to trace every line of his face, but his stoic expression morphs into something sinister.

“That’s too bad,” he tuts, disappointed, “I was hoping you’d put up a fight.” 

You scowl, shifting your weight to lean away from him. He laughs harshly at your response. It’s a grating, barking sound, baring his teeth. 

You’re still thinking about what he was hoping for as he binds your wrists together, but he’s not revealing anything else. He grabs your upper arm and begins leading you toward the dense trees. You stumble, adjusting to his pace and trying to find your stride. 

“Where are you taking me?” you complain, trying to jerk your arm out of his grip, but he’s latched on tight. He’s unfazed by your attempt to break away from him as if it’s a natural part of his day-to-day to wrestle with an unwilling companion. 

It’s an exertion to keep up with him; he moves with purpose and little regard for you. Unaware of the small branches and shoots of new growth in the forest whip at your face, arms, and ankles. Uncaring that they obstruct your vision as you let him lead. 

You take his strength, size, and foul-tempered look apparent from his profile. You follow half a step behind, visibly less enthused about his single-minded pursuit. 

“Not far.” He’s blunt. Unhelpful. Answering you without a glance in your direction. 

“What do you want with me?”

“That’s not my decision,” he shrugs as if he isn’t talking about what happens to your life. Not wasting a word to ease your panic. 

“Who sent you?” Fear cracks through your voice. Ugly and raw. 

“Don’t know.” 

He’s so short with you. Brutish and rushed. Trudging along indifferent to your world crashing down. 

“You don’t know?” There’s an edge to your tone, frustration apparent. Joel shoots you a scathing look. He has a handsome face, but his dark eyes show no kindness. 

“Don’t know. Don’t care.” He turns away, looking forward as you make your way along. 

He moves confidently, like a force of nature. Twigs snap under his boots as he creates his path without regard for the destruction. 

“Then what’s in it for you? Why not just let me go?” You press sulkily. 

“I get paid for delivering you, not making decisions, sweet thing.” 

His response is gross and detached. Sweet thing. The pet name drips with sarcasm. You’re just an object. You scoff at him. 

“You’re despicable,” you cut under your breath as you weave through the underbrush. Disgust warps your features as you make your way along.

“Watch it,” Joel snaps. A low tolerance threshold. Fitting for a surly smuggler. 

“It’s true,” you snap right back. He doesn’t take it lightly, stopping and yanking you around roughly so you’re facing him again. 

“You’re heartless,” you jab, “scum. You don’t care about anything but your own profit.” 

Fed up, he backs you into the nearest tree. The bark digs into your shoulder blades. His hand grips your throat menacingly. His face is so close to yours. The deep line between his brows, the depth of his dark eyes, and his plush lower lips are all you can see. 

“Keep it up,” he goads. His fingers are merely a threat, resting along your arteries. Tempting you to talk back. “We both know you aren’t innocent,” he adds. 

You snarl at that, arguing that he doesn’t know the first thing about you, but he only grins darkly. 

Joel enjoys the way you detest him. He also enjoys the sight of you pinned under his hand. The way it only takes one to have you helplessly trapped. You’re still muttering insults at him, but he’s ignoring your words. He’s too interested in the arch in your spine tilting you towards him. The rising and falling as your breath is shallow and quick. 

Your thin top is still damp from your dip in the water, and from his point of view, it’s a scene that deserves to be photographed. You seem so delicate in contrast to him. His wide palm covering your throat, his vascular forearm so masculine against your supple skin. You look at him through your lashes, your eyes narrow and scornful, but his eyes trail down as your voice trails off. 

Joel has a perfect view of your hard nipples under the thin material of your shirt. The fabric clings to you like you’re in a wet t-shirt contest, and the longer he stares, the more he starts to lose his sense of urgency in taking you anywhere.

“What?” you interrupt his ogling, forcing your features into a disapproving glower to overcompensate for the breathlessness. 

He’s amused by your contempt and disobedience. He can tell there’s a struggle forming beneath the surface. The twitch between your brows where they threaten to saddle in pleasure if he applies the right pressure. The lust flickering behind your eyes. The disdain tugging at the corners of your frown only makes his blood run hotter. 

“You think you’re better than me,” His voice drops, sinfully low. You stare blankly, not arguing. “You think you’re special,” he continues cruelly. 

“You aren’t.” His fingers squeeze along just the sides of your neck; playing god with you, he restricts the blood pumping through your arteries. “No, sweet thing, you’re just another runaway whore with a bad attitude. That sure as hell doesn’t make you special.”

“I’m not a whore.” You spit his words back in his face. 

“No?” He mocks, tilting his head and dragging his eyes over your frame. His lecherous gaze highlights your compromising position. You’re on display for him, at his mercy, alone. It all comes into focus as your throat runs dry. “Could’ve fooled me.” He lifts the pressure off your neck, and the blood rushes to your head. 

Your gasp switches into a tight frown. His cocky smirk only widens. 

“Argue all you want, but your body doesn’t lie,” he coos arrogantly. 

“Can feel your pulse beating faster,” his fingers massage deliberately at your neck. You steel your breathing, eyes searching for something on his face to focus on. Something to ground you. But he leans in close, his breath hot along your ear. “So desperate,” he inhales deeply like he’s cataloging your scent, “just for me?” 

His other hand traces the angle of your jaw. 

“Maybe that’s just a human response to being pinned to a tree in the middle of nowhere by a smuggler,” you hiss. 

“Maybe.” He releases you, and you stagger forward at the sudden loss of support. Losing your balance and unable to steady yourself with your hands bound, you’re toppling forward to your knees as Joel half catches you—stopping you from landing with your face in the dirt. 

He shakes his head at you in disbelief. Every time you move, you pose just to tempt him. Here you are on your knees, glowing in the soft light as you tilt your face up at him. The fear that flitters over your face twists into something else. Something that makes you both pause. 

Joel moves first, resting a hand on your cheek. Reflexively, your lips part, and he can’t stop slipping his thumb into your mouth. You try to recalibrate, reversing the involuntary responses, but he’s already seen them. The way your breath hitched and the way your eyes darkened. 

He raises a brow slightly, entertained by how easy it is to read the signs. “It’s too late to hide it.” He pulls his thumb back, dragging it slowly over your bottom lip and down to your chin, leaving a trail of saliva that catches the light and glistens. “You think I can’t see how bad you want it?” 

You shake your head lightly in defiance, murmuring that he’s wrong and dropping your gaze. You’re sat at eye level with his belt and his one hand with the thumb hooked on a belt loop. You study every ridge of his hand, the scars along his knuckles, the sun-tanned brown skin. 

The bulge highlighted by his fitted jeans catches your attention, and you look back up to meet his eyes.  

Joel slips his hand past your face, fingers weaving into your hair, cupping the back of your head. He doesn’t add much pressure, and you don’t have to lean far to rest your cheek along the worn denim on his upper thigh. 

“Yeah,” he growls above you, “take it out.” 

You move hurriedly, dissolving your denial. It’s easy work to unbuckle his belt and pop open the button of his jeans, even with your wrists bound. You wet your lips unconsciously as you tug the band of his boxers down until his cock springs free. Only half-hard, it hangs imposing and proud. So close to your face, you can see the tiniest twitch as he responds to your warm breath fanning over his skin. 

“Get to it,” he orders. 

You blink up at him, resistance fading on the tip of your tongue. “Or get up so we can get a move on; doesn’t matter to me.” he challenges. You curl your fingers around the base of his shaft. It’s smooth and hot under your fingertips. Experimentally, you run your tongue along the underside. His fingers tighten their grip in your hair. 

You open wide, laying your tongue out flat, and he guides you. Joel’s eyes are glued to your mouth as he slides his cock past your lips. You stare back, studying every expression that crosses his face. His hard eyes don’t soften, but you could swear his blinking slows. The hint of a snarl deepens as he picks up the pace. 

Using you. Fucking your wet mouth until he’s pressing into the back of your throat, seeking more. 

Your eyes tear up, but he doesn’t stop, and you don’t resist. 

You quickly acclimate, working in rhythm, breathing, taking it all. When your eyelids flutter shut and a moan buzzes in your throat, Joel laughs darkly. “If you aren’t a whore,” he pauses to make a throaty noise that spears right to your core, “why do you take my cock down your throat just like one?” 

You choke at his assertion, and he pulls out of your mouth, leaving you gasping for air. 

“Not a very good one, I guess,” he says flatly, yet with a particularly pleased expression still faintly etched in the lines of his face. You wipe the spit coating your chin onto the back of your hands. 

He doesn’t reach for you again; instead, he takes his cock in his own hand. Impatient. Slick with your saliva, he strokes himself lewdly, grunting with pleasure as he flicks his wrist. 

“You’re deranged,” you mutter, voice hoarse. 

He doesn’t like that. He moves without a word, shoving you forward onto your elbows and knees. He holds you down against the soft grass with one hand as the other crudely pulls your shorts down. He runs his palm along the curve of your spine, over the contour of your ass. Both hands grip the back of your knees, readjusting you to his liking. 

Then he takes his time. 

Kneading your ass and thighs, landing one firm smack on that has you jolting forward, cheek pressing flat into the grass. The sharp sensation disorients you and leaves you sucking in air. 

Joel is undisturbed by your reactions. He takes both of his thumbs to spread you open wider, revealing the glossy sheen of your core. Your cunt drips, slick and swollen for him. 

“You think I’m so despicable,” his gravelly voice makes your mind fuzzy, “how come you’re so fuckin’ wet for me?” 

You can only manage to whine into the ground, pushing back towards him. “You don’t move,” he says harshly, one wide palm gripping your hip to hold you still. When the blunt head of his cock glides along your seam, you let out a broken moan. His fingers dig into your soft flesh in warning. 

He pauses, with his tip resting at the core of your throbbing pussy, to marvel at the visual before sinking into you. You gasp at the overwhelming sensation of being filled so completely. You don’t have time to adjust before he’s pulling back and slamming into you again. He drags against every nerve inside of you, intensifying every motion. 

Joel isn’t gentle. He holds you firmly and uses your body, fucking into you with rough thrusts that make your thighs tremble. “Take it,” he grunts, pounding into you deeply until his hips meet your bare thighs. 

It’s all wet noises, heaving breathing, and skin slapping against skin. He watches the plush curves of your ass ripple as he drives into you harder and faster. The force of his movement pulls sharp, ragged cries from you as he fucks you so hard it pushes the air out of your lungs. 

“This is all you get.” Joel groans behind you, curling over you with his broad frame. Your bodies are sweaty where your naked skin slips against each other, and you writhe against him, mouth hanging open and eyes rolling back as he fucks deeply into you. 

“You’re nothing to me,” he snarls, punctuated with his hips snapping into you brutally. “Just fuckin’ cargo.” 

“Shit,” he mutters, hips stuttering as you whimper. “You like that. Can feel you clenching around me,” he keeps talking. You’re mindless beneath him. A winded, drooling mess. “Ain’t even worth the hassle to deliver. Better use taking my cock,” he grunts, hips canting more erratically until he stills, pulsing inside of you with a throaty groan. 

You’re boneless, propped up on shaky knees as he pulls out and watches his come leak out of you for a moment. Then he’s crassly yanking your shorts up and ordering you to stand. You’re wobbly when you get back to your feet, and he huffs at you agitatedly. “Figure out how to walk, or I’ll drag your ass the rest of the way.” 

You can’t say how long it takes before you reach your destination. Everything was a blur as you clumsily trotted along, outpaced by Joel’s long stride. You’re breathing loudly through your mouth, a sheen of sweat between your shoulder blades and on your chest. Joel, apparently well-conditioned for the cardio, is frustratingly collected. He holds you tightly as he opens the door and pushes you inside. 

He jerks you towards a makeshift seat on a crate and raps a fist against the wall behind you. You can hear heavy footsteps. Joel ignores you as you try to read his expression. In seconds, the fully armored Mandalorian enters the room. 

He moves swiftly, barely glancing in your direction as Joel meets him on the far side of the room. 

“You were delayed,” the Mandalorian remarks in his modulated voice, his tone unrevealing. Joel steps in closer, muttering in a hushed tone that you can’t pick up. Something makes the Mandalorian laugh abrasively. His voice cracks through the air, fraught with a hazardous edge. 

You sit still, chest tight, as the helmet swivels towards you. Expressionless metal, he gives nothing away. Harsh lights beat down on your damp skin, making it hard to stay still. 

Joel is menacing, but this guy is impossible to read. The Mandalorian stalks towards you like a predator. 

Joel leaves the room, presumably off to shower, pulling his shirt over his head as he walks away. 

“Let’s see then,” the Mandalorian commands as he approaches. 

“See what?”

He pulls you to your feet, a gloved hand jerking your head side to side as he examines you. 

He steps forward, and you back away in synchronized steps until your heel hits something. The Mandalorian has you trapped between the cold wall and his cold metal armor. 

He removes the cuffs that bind your hands, tossing them aside, drawing a confused look from you. Instead, with one hand, he pins both your wrists above your head, causing your legs to spread instinctively. You squeeze your eyes shut as if you can control yourself without looking. 

“He said you’re not worth the fuel to return.” The Mandalorian gestures toward the direction Joel disappeared in with just a subtle tilt of his head. “That you’re a distraction and a whore.” 

“Then let me go.” 

“No.”

The Mandalorian doesn’t say more. He watches you. He is still and statuesque, whereas you’re so human. In the thick air, your breathing sounds too loud. Your heart beats too violently. Your limbs tremble too weakly. You give away so much, just with your body, your face, your eyes. 

“What do you want with me?” 

“I ask the questions,” he negates coolly. 

He squeezes your jaw tightly, “Is it your mouth?” His fingers squish the insides of your cheeks against your teeth. 

“No…it can’t be this needy cunt, hmm?” 

You’re shuddering, soft, and pliant. Warm, flesh and blood. You can’t form a response for him, even when he releases your jaw. Your gape at him with wide eyes and wet lips. 

Then, unceremoniously, he’s shoving his hand into your leggings. Wedging his thick fingers between your slippery, swollen folds. He growls like an animal beneath the helmet.

“You’re soaked,” he says. “Getting fucked full of Joel’s cock wasn’t enough?” He pulls his hand out, letting the band of your leggings snap against your belly. You stare back. Your body trembles lightly, arms straining in his grip. 

“Answer me,” he orders quietly. 

It’s soft. Your throat is still hoarse. “No.” 

Then he’s groping at you with an intensity that makes you writhe against the cool steel wall. 

He pinches at your strained nipples, rolling them between his fingers and making you bite your own lip to distract from the twisted pain and pleasure he’s unleashing on you. You can’t keep back all the noises, though, and he pauses when you moan and arch into his hand. 

“You’re not a whore,” he decides and he wedges his thigh between your legs. You roll along the ridged plate of armor, needily grinding against him. 

Without warning, the Mandalorian tears your top off of your body like a starved animal. Primal and desperate, but with precision. A tremor runs through you at the exposure and ferocity, making you gasp. 

“No. You like this too much to be whore.” He drops your hands and they fly to his shoulders. You wrap your legs around his waist and he carries you across the room dropping you onto the bed. 

He pulls your leggings down, tossing them to the floor. You’re breathing so heavily, anticipating his next move. He pulls his cock out of his pants and you can’t take your eyes off of it. The only part of him exposed aside from his hand. The only glimpse of the true man beneath the metal. 

He taps his drooling head on your clit and you make a hungry sound, spreading your legs wide to make room for him. With a firm grip, he guides himself through your throbbing folds and into your hot, wet cunt. 

You groan as he meets the end of you. Your walls flutter around him as he splits you open, and then he starts to rock in and out and you keen. “Shut up,” he growls and covers your mouth with his palm. 

He saws into you relentlessly and you choke down your cries of pleasure. “Listen to how wet you are,” he mutters. “Such a filthy slut.” Your body jolts with every thrust, breasts bouncing and legs shaking as he keeps your mouth covered. 

“You think she can take us both?” 

You strain under the Mandalorian’s hand trying to turn your head and Joel moves in closer. 

“She’s just cargo,” Joel muses darkly, “she’ll take what we give.” 

…….

You pause the video on your laptop, freezing the scene just as it cuts back to your reaction to Joel. The fucked out smile in your eyes apparent, even with your mouth covered. 

You whip your head over to look at your boyfriend lounging next to you on the sofa. Your brow is furrowed critically, and he can see the wheels turning in your mind. His eyes, though, are clouded with lust. 

“Would’ve been better if we could’ve made a set that looked like the Razor Crest,” you grumble. You chew on your bottom lip as you consider the rest of your critique. 

“Do you think I should’ve kept in more of the dialogue between you and Joel? And the continuity with your gloves—do you really think it’s not that noticeable?” 

“Baby,” Frankie mutters in his thick, husky voice. “I don’t think anyone is worried about the plot or the fucking gloves.” 

You sigh deeply at that, returning to your video editing software with irritation. “You’re just saying that because you aren’t worried about those things,” you admonish him, continuing with your work. 

You play another clip of the scene that the two of you shot. Hearing your moaning and whimpering for him through the laptop speakers drives him fucking crazy. He’s pretty sure he could wear a banana suit and people would still happily pay to watch you get railed by him. 

“I’m not just saying that,” he argues, deciding to hold back on the banana comment. 

“Come here. It’s late, take a break.” He can practically hear your eyes roll as you ignore him and continue poring over details that only you would notice. He doesn’t have much patience left, already desperately turned on both from the video you made and from how sexy you look next to him. So focused. In your element. 

He lowers his voice into that rumbly, bassy register that he knows you can’t resist. “Are you going to make me repeat myself?” Your head swivels, and he gives you a dark glare with a gleam in his eye. He can see the feisty remark swirling on the tip of your tongue. “Come here,” he orders. 

You close the laptop, pushing it towards the middle of the coffee table. “Are you going to punish me?” you murmur, crawling onto his lap slowly. “I can get the helmet back out,” you joke with a playful smirk before you curl into him, pressing soft kisses along his warm neck. 

“Fuck,” he huffs, “I should punish you.” He grabs your hips, guiding you closer to where he wants you. You gasp at the same time as he groans when your core rubs against the long ridge of his erection. “You feel that?” he growls lowly. The friction and heat between you radiates up his spine and down to his toes. “You feel how hard you make me?” he asks. 

“Yes.” You grind against him. He feels huge through his soft sweats. You roll your hips, savoring the pressure of his hard cock teasing you. It sends sparks from your cunt to your nipples, lighting up your nerves. He slips one hand under the oversized t-shirt you’re wearing–his t-shirt– to palm your tits and pinch at your nipples as if he could read your mind or, rather, your body. 

“That’s how hard every jerkoff that watches us is gonna be.” 

His statement makes you giggle softly against his neck. “Yeah?” you ask breathily. 

“Yeah,” he confirms before capturing your lips with a hungry kiss that makes you moan into his mouth. You melt into each other on the sofa. Tongues sliding against each other, hips rocking against each other, and hearts beating against each other through your ribcages. 

He cradles you in his arms as he shifts. Releasing you once you’re flat beneath him on the sofa, “They’ll never know what it’s like to feel your sweet cunt come around their cock, though.” He says as he lifts your legs, sliding off your soaked panties before spreading you open. 

You can only hum in agreement, entranced by the sight of him pushing down his sweatpants. He’s lost in you. The desire in your eyes and the arousal shining on the folds of your core. You wrap your legs around him, hitching one knee up high to give him deeper access. 

“Please,” you groan. He teases you with the wide head of his cock, nudging at your clit as he coats himself in the fresh wave of slick flooding around him. 

“Please, what?” 

“Please, fuck me. Now.” 

A warm puff of air comes out of his nose. Amused with your impatience. But when he starts to feed himself into you slowly, it’s no longer funny. He’s possessed by the same urgency. Gripped by the plush heat of your cunt as you stretch around him. When he’s fully seated, hips flush to your pelvis, his cock throbs inside of you, and you dig your fingernails into the musculature of his shoulders. Silently demanding more, so he moves. 

He fucks into you with a fervor made of possession and pride. Filling you so deeply that it’s like he’s connected to your soul, slotted perfectly into the heart of your cunt. Every ridge of him designed to caress every nerve inside of you. But beyond fitting together physically, he knows exactly what you want. 

He snaps his hips harder. Faster. With a force that makes your eyelids heavy and your head bob limply as he drives into you with such strength that it makes you mindless with pleasure. He gives and gives. And you take and take. You cry out his name when he finds the perfect angle to launch you into a euphoric orgasm. It’s not long before he’s coming, too, stuffing you full and deep as your walls constrict and contract around him. 

Time feels fuzzy as you lay together. Sticky but satisfied. His arm and leg thrown over you weigh heavily as he relaxes. He could drift off like this, and he’s about to say so when he catches that look on your face. You just figured something out. 

“What are you plotting?” he asks in a sleepy voice. 

“I’ve got an idea for our next video.” 

“Yeah?”

“Do you still have those zip ties?” 

pls let me know if enjoyed or hated any of it <3

Dividers by @cyberangel-graphics

ty: to @gothcsz for reminding me that pwp is pwp when i spent days getting hung up on some unnecessary details, and to @magneticecstasy for an idea that didn’t make it in, but will not leave my brain now 

gen tags for some babes: 

@lovely-vamp-princess

@gothcsz

@auteurdelabre

@adoreyouusugar

@swankyorange

@itwasntimethatdidit40

@ivoryandflame

@magneticecstasy

[xdaddysprincessxx]

This is an absolute MASTERPIECE!!!!! I fucking love it!!! Dear lord! And the smut!!! Lmfaooo it was sooo realistic! You really captured how we write smut and how ridiculous it can sound (even tho it’s hot it is ridiculous lol) this whole thing is so fucking amazing and incredible and refreshing and funny as hell!!!! 1000000000/10 would absolutely recommend

Jizz Fingers║ ⓞⓝⓔⓢⓗⓞⓣⓢ

|| ꂵꍏꀤꈤ ꂵꍏꌗ꓄ꍟꋪ꒒ꀤꌗ꓄ || | PAIRING(s): alien!Joel x reader

| RATING: explicit material | 18+ | WORD COUNT: 3.2k | CONTENT: This is a crackfic. Joel is not Joel. He’s an alien that can shapeshift and isn’t into the splorgimums on their own planet. He wants to nut in you with his creampie fingers. It’s not supposed to make sense. It’s not supposed to be anything but fun and sexy and silly. It’s meta. It’s tongue-in-cheek. It’s self-indulgent. If you’re not into that kinda thing then idk what to tell ya, bud. 

| SYNOPSIS: u get creampied by a dick finger alien Joel Miller.

The sonorous silver ship glided above you before descending gently into a large clearing in the field ahead. Bright light flooded your vision as a hidden door pushed away from the spacecraft and revealed an occupant.

It appeared to have an amorphous, fluid corporeal form, but no matter the shape it always remained an off-white greenish gray color. Six large onyx orbs were situated near the top of the form. You assumed they must be eyes or some other sort of organ. When the greenish grey flaps snapped together and apart a few times in quick succession, you realized they were in fact lidded eyes.

A warbled voice sounded inside your mind. “Do not be afraid. I come in peace, and I stand before you with no intention of harming you.”

You realize the creature is speaking to you through your own mind.

You should be afraid, but instead you’re just fascinated and exhilarated. You aren’t sure why they’d say the same thing twice, though, just in a slightly different way. You also aren’t sure if you should respond in your head, out loud, or at all.

“That’s kinda a weird thing to say. Like, you said it twice,” you point out, speaking loudly and clearly enough that the creature can hear you.

At least, you think they can hear you. You don’t see any ears. Then again, they possess the capability of telepathic speech, and there must be some equivalent to hearing for that. You try to think what that is called or what that might be called when the creature shifts back and forth but still doesn’t approach.

“Those were two separate statements,” the voice in your mind contends firmly.

“Huh?” you ask. You’re sure you sound dumb, but you were never really going to be a match for a higher level intelligent being anyways.

“When I bust, it is peaceful for every being involved. I also greet you with good intentions,” the voice patiently clarifies.

Suddenly you are standing no more than arm’s length away from the being. “I saved your achilles the trouble,” the voice in your mind said, as if it was some huge favor.

“My achilles is fine,” you grumble awkwardly. “I know I should hit leg day more, but sometimes it’s just so–”

“Our sex organs are complimentary,” the voice interrupts. “We could perform the Divine Dance, if you’d like.”

You wanted to ask why they had to come all the way to Earth just to get laid, but you think better of it.

“The splorgimums on my planet just don’t get me,” the voice explains. You realize you said your thought aloud.

“Oh. Uh, okay. S-Sorry about that. I, uh, didn’t mean to offen–”

The creature waves a gelatinous blob arm dismissively. “No offense taken. You’re not like other splorgimums. I can tell. You’re different,” it assures you.

You feel a blush creep onto your cheeks. “Oh. Well, uh–” an awkward giggle “—thank you. But I’m not really that special, here on Earth I mean. There are other women who are wayyyyyy more attractive. Oh! I know! You should try driving by Doja Cat’s house because oh my god she is so. fucking. fine. Like, if I had her in that I’m A Cow Bitch Moo costume for 5 minutes I’d—”

“No. No Doja Kitties. Only you.”

You shrug and accept their obsession with you.

“Okay. So now what? I don’t know where your Divine Dance hole is, and your floating blobs are sort of freaking me out,” you admit.

You keep tabs on the hovering goops that orbit the creature. They remind you of the time you tried to make Key Lime Jello Shots for your uncle’s cousin’s dog’s recital but added too much vodka.

“I can take the form of something pleasing to you. An earth male, perhaps? The female of your species is more difficult to capture as they are far superior.”

“So fuckin’ true,” you agree. “But, hhmmmm, a male specimen? I mean, I hate all men, but Pedro Pascal seems pretty decent. Maybe you could turn into Joel Miller? You know, from The Last of Us?”

The creature nods — you think it’s a nod — and transforms into Joel. Game Joel.

“Oh, uh, look, Pixel Daddy is fine as hell, especially in part 2, but I meant the HBO adaptation of the game. Please,” you correct.

“How’s this?” Pedro’s version of Joel’s voice asks aloud.

Your pussy bottoms out. “Oh, fuck yeah.”

You disrobe completely as you enter the spacecraft.

“I set it to 72º Fahrenheit. Is that a suitable climate for your meat suit?” Joel asks.

“Yeah, that’s perfect. Mr. Alien, could you, like, put more of the twang into his voice? And use words like he does?  Like, how he sounds on the show? You know what, let’s watch a few clips to get it right.”

You pull up your account on your phone, but it takes you a minute to find it because you forgot they changed it from HBO Max Go to just Max. “So fuckin’ stupid. Purple is a better color than blue anyway,” you mumble to yourself as you pull up an episode.

The galactic creature uses some magical time skip thing to binge the entire series and gets a yucky smudge of goop on your phone screen when it attempts to find season 2.

“There’s just one season? Please tell me there’s another one,” Joel implores.

“Yeah, there’s a second season, but it’s not out yet,” you inform him.

“Damn. But you said there’s two games already? So what happens in the second game?” he asks.

“You know what, we super don’t need to get into that right now. Let’s see what you’re working with,” you quickly change the subject and grab at his crotch.

He grunts in approval. “Needy lil thing, aren’t’cha? You want my cock, baby?”

Your eyes narrow suspiciously. “Did you use a time jump thing to read a whole bunch of Joel Miller smutfic on Tumblr?”

Joel blushes and scratches the back of his neck. “Eh, mighta read a few.”

“Oh my god, you’re gonna be super nasty and dominant, aren’t you?” you sigh.

“Only if that’s what you want, baby. I’m a consent king,” he assures you.

“Well, alright then. I want you to rawdog me and slap my ass, okay?”

He smirks and pulls you close. “I’ll give ya what I give ya, and you just gotta take it,” he grunts into your neck as he nibbles and sucks downward.

You gasp at the sensation and grind your hips into him. “Oh fuck, Joel,” you whine. “I want you to wreck me, please!”

“Gonna fill that cunt up,” he says gruffly as he gropes your ass and breasts.

“Yes, Daddy, please!” you beg.

He pauses for a moment and looks confused.

“Oh, uh, you must not have got to those kind of fics–” you cough awkwardly “–uh, anyway. Sorry. Joel. Yes, Joel, please.”

“I can sense the vibrations of your inner sex organ when you call me that. If it is sexually gratifying to you, I wholly welcome the use of it,” the original voice says inside your mind.

“Oh wow. I love that you’re not kink shaming me. Glad you didn’t make it to that side of Tumblr,” you huff in a laugh.

Joel suddenly pins you against the wall and presses his hard, clothed cock against your bare skin. Even through the denim you can tell he’s huge. Apparently all those fic writers were right all along.

“Who’s gonna fill up that pretty cunt uh’yours, huh?” he demands as he grabs the back of your neck for leverage.

“Y-You, Daddy,” you say in an aroused tremble.

“That’s fuckin’ right. When my fat cock is inside you, I better hear you singin’ some thank you’s to Daddy for fillin’ you up so good,” he warns.

“Yes, Daddy, I’ll be your good girl,” you promise. 

He flips you around without warning and pushes your chest flush against the wall. 

“Even good girls need to be reminded every once in a while what happens if they don’t listen to Daddy,” he says in a low gruff.

His clothes have magically disappeared with the help of his alien outerspace boi powers. You feel him firm against your backside before a harsh slap of his palm replaces it. You jump and yelp in pain at the surprise spanking.

“Mmmm, pretendin’ you don’t want it, but I feel you pushin’ your ass back for more,” he taunts. 

You whine because he’s right. You can only imagine the derisive comments he’d make if he felt how wet you are. 

He lands another three harsh swats on the same patch of skin. Tears prickle up in your eyes. “D-Daddy,” you moan. 

“You gonna thank Daddy for keepin’ you in line, baby?” Another swat. It stings so much you know there must be an imprint of his hand clearly outlined by your welting red flesh.

“Thank you, Daddy!” you choke out. “Th-Thank you for k-keeping me your good girl and not letting me b-be bad, Daddy. I only wanna be good for you, Daddy!” you wail.

“That’s what I like’tuh hear, baby,” he grunts into your ear. “Ask Daddy to make you into his own little cocksleeve. Ask Daddy to give you this big, fat cock.”

You whimper as he slips his length between your folds and rubs back and forth in teasing passes. 

“Daddy, I want you to use my pussy. I need it so bad. Please. I just wanna be your cocksleeve. Use my holes, Daddy,” you whimper.

You barely finish your sentence when he flips you around again and lines himself up with your entrance. Apparently the alien creature was just as into this as you are because their altered form reverted back to the amorphous gray green blob. You’re way too horny to be picky about it right now, so you squeeze your eyes shut. You forgot to charge your vibrator, anyway.

Their penis was more like fingers that kinda moved around randomly. You don’t know. You’re not an astrophysicist or whoever it is that would best be knowledgeable about alien wieners.   

Its spongy gray appendage felt firm and slimy as it entered you. There was some sort of phantom connection to your mouth and throat as well, the sensation of its finger-penis dragging back and forth, able to be felt in both your pussy and your mouth. It was weird, but you knew if it was Joel Miller doing it then it would somehow become totally fine and very hot. 

“You’re getting too lost in the sauce,” you whine. “You’re in your true form again. Change back.”

“Mmmmm, sorry, baby,” came the familiar gravelly voice once more.

When you felt brave enough to open your eyes again, you saw those familiar Wreck-It-Ralph sausage fingers and sighed in relief. The alien had changed back to your preferred form of Joel Miller as portrayed  by José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal.

As much as you wanted to stare at his face, you also wanted him to dick you down through the floorboards of the ship. You wiggle to sink down onto your hands and knees. “Wanna be wide open for you, Daddy,” you pout.

He makes an approving growling noise and scrambles behind you, shoving you downward between your shoulder blades until your face is smushed into the floor. He makes no effort to warn you before slamming his entire length into you. The impact of his wide tip against your cervix is so forceful it punches the air out of your lungs. You let out a panicked, strangled moan, suddenly unsure if you were going to be able to take this dick like a champ.

Joel grabs your hips for leverage and starts pistoning rough, deep strokes into your drenched pussy. “Gaahh–Goddamn! Fuckin’ chokin’ it, honey,” he rasps in a labored voice. “Feel so fuckin’ tight for me.”

“It’s s-so big, Daddy. I dunno if I can take it,” you cry.

“You can take it. You can take it for Daddy. Be a good girl or m'gonna hafta punish you,” he cautions. As a reminder of what that might entail, he strikes your backside so hard your entire body jerks as you let out a sob.

A high pitched moan gathers in Joel’s throat as you start to accommodate his size. “Yeah, fuckin’ like that, huh? Like when Daddy spanks you? Makes ya listen?”

“You’re so good to me, Daddy!” you sob. Your arousal is practically dripping down your thighs. You listen to the hum of the engines mixing with the sounds of your drooling cunt being fed Joel’s massive cock over and over again. He grabs your wrists and pulls you upward, using your limbs like reins on a horse. You have no control over the depth of penetration in these positions, and Joel is opting for nothing less than utterly devastating your pussy.

“M’gonna give you these fingers, too, baby. Know you can take it,” he pants.

He releases your arms and lets you scramble to catch yourself before faceplanting.

“Hey! You could’ve at least–”

“Shut your fuckin’ mouth and take what Daddy gives you,” he snarls.

You whine and clench around him. You feel a boogery churro type object prodding at your asshole. You turn your head quickly enough to see the creature has let Joel’s arm halfway revert back into the wiggly blobby thing.

“Did I say you could turn around?” he barks. He spanks you again with his 100% Joel hand, hard enough that you know there are pinpricks of blood beginning to seep through.

“I’m sorry, Daddy!” you scream.

You feel him now inside both holes. It’s overwhelming and amazing. The phantom throat thing is back again, and you like how you gag even with an “empty” mouth.

“Got enough for every hole you got and then some, sweetheart,” he practically slurs. He sounds completely wrecked.

You feel your lower belly heating up and quickly tightening.

“Oh my fucking god, Joel. I’m getting so close,” you gasp.

“THAT AIN’T MY FUCKIN’ NAME WHEN I’M STUFFIN’ YOU WITH MY COCK, SWEETHEART,” he grits out as he wraps his hand around the front of your throat and squeezes.

When your breaths quickly become hard to take, you know you’re going to come soon.

“I want your space juice inside me, Daddy!” you cry out, not caring if you’re breaking the illusion. You still needed to be clear and consensual in your approach to this intimate exchange, and you needed to address the weird topic of whether or not your birth control could do effective hand to hand combat with spaceboi cum. 

“Our sexual organs are compatible, but our reproductive hormones and liquids are not,” the voice explained in your mind.

The Jim Carrey baby grinch was kinda cute, but you still felt better knowing you weren’t going to birth a little green gremlin alien baby. (Although you did think Victor or Clementine would be nice names.)

“Put a baby in me, Daddy! Fuck your baby into me!” you beg now that you know you can’t actually get pregnant. 

“Uh, I mean, there’s just so much pregnancy fic out there,” Joel hedges carefully, still maintaining his merciless thrusts. “You don’t really wanna make this into a whole thing do you? Ya know, with the pregnancy storyline and stuff? Some users have actually said they prefer—”

“No, Joel, I’m not actually—” you interrupt in a huff “—I’m just saying it to be sexy. It sounds sexy. Besides, there’s some fic writers who basically only write creampies but none of their characters ever seem to get pregnant. It’s kinda wild. There’s a fic writer I can think  of right now, actually. She loves creampies so much.”

“So she’s just really into pussy gettin’ drenched but nobody’s gotta deal with babies? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal if ya ask me,” he approves.

“Yeah, I think the only pregnancy fic she has is, like, this really nasty oneshot where the reader is already pregnant and she gets double teamed by Tommy and you at the same time. Oh and she lactates. I wasn’t into it at first, but it was kinda hot. Maybe you’ve read it? The author calls herself Puddles?”

“Oh, her? That Gasoline Rainbow lady? I thought she just made memes?” He sounds surprised and impressed. He’s hitting your cervix repeatedly with such force that you feel like your vagina is going to look like somebody dropped a tray of lasagna on a pubic hair linoleum floor.

“No, she actually has, like, legit fic on there, too. She’s, like, really talented. I can’t believe she doesn’t have more followers,” you laugh incredulously. 

You’re glad he doesn’t ask how you would know how many followers she has since that isn’t publicly available information. You hate it when plot holes have to be smoothed out nicely and still fit in with the story. It’s so boring and way too much work sometimes.

“Maybe stuff like alien jizz fingers is a little too much for people to–”

“Okay, this is getting too meta. Let’s just get back to you fucking me so rough I can’t walk right for an entire week, okay?”

“Hnngg, fuck yeah. Daddy’s gonna wreck this cunt,” he hisses as his thrusts pick up pace.

“DADDY, I’M GONNA COME,” you cry as you start clenching and seizing around the massive circumference of his cock.

Joel lets out a guttural, choked moan as he empties inside you. You can feel it from his weird creampie fingertips, too — even the invisible one in your mouth and throat. You’re trembling, trying to keep yourself upright as Joel fucks into you through his orgasm. You lick your lips. There’s a flavor there. Is that….?

“You like Daddy’s brisket cum, sweetheart?” he grunts as his thrusts slow to a sloppy grind.

“I thought I tasted barbecue,” you muse. It was bewildering, but mostly satisfying.

“Yeah, tastes just like those Fourth of July backyard get-togethers you love in that Texas heat,” he breathes. "You runnin' around in barely anything, makin' me hafta adjust myself so your dad don't catch his best friend ogling his precious daughter."

“I’m starting to think you read more fic than you admitted to earlier,” you assert.

“I like it, darlin’,” he shrugs.

“Are you gonna follow Puddles now? Oh! Can you do a mind link thing with her and see what she’s working on next?” you implore.

Joel appears to zone out for a minute, and you take the opportunity to stare at his naked body. He looked perfect. His eyes focused again as he looked at you.

“Her waveforms are erratic and very concerning, but once I subdued a Brain Goblin inside her mind I was able to discern she is likely to be releasing some Ezra from Prospect centered fictional stories,” the voice inside your head revealed. "They are very sexually aggressive."

“Nice,” you say under your breath.

“So you gonna let me have that sweet pussy again, sweetheart?” Joel drawls.

“Yes. But I’m going to need you to familiarize yourself with Pedro’s extensive works. I’m thinking we could do some really great Mando roleplay in this spaceship,” you say with a big smile as you gesture around.

Joel smirks at you. “Don’t matter what form I take. You’re still gonna be callin’ me Daddy.”

“Yes, Daddy,” you agree with a big grin.

I hope those splorgimums understand what they lost bc that's our man now! Special thanks to Multiversed Daydreamer (Fuzz) for inspiring part of the title and @xdaddysprincessxx for the shared derangement over That Old Man™.

Undying thanks to @psychedelic-ink and @bonezone44 for writing some of my fave ~aLtErNaTiVe KiNk CoNtEnT~ and inspiring me to let my brain run wild with this crackfic.

catch ya later, ♥Puddles♥

P.S. - I counted how many times "Daddy" appears in this, and it's 29.

tagging: @wannab-urs, @gracieispunk, @milla-frenchy, @patti7dc. @lumoverheaven, @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog, @toxicanonymity, @rubyfruitjungle, @huffle-punk, @jupiter-soups, @swiftispunk, @theywhowriteandknowthings

[metataxy]

Thoughts about Nimona

(1) Waiting for all the Gloreth/Nimona fanfic

(2) Surprised Goldenloin wasn’t a prick given that amazing name.

(3) Did Nate Stephenson base Ballister on Pedro Pascal?  ‘Cause like, I think live-action Nimona needs to have Pedro playing Ballister Boldheart.

(4) Heh.  GoldenLOIN and BALLister.  Oh gawd, I need to stop reading crackfic.

[beskarberry]

Buttered Toast

Dieter Bravo as Gio x gn!reader

IMAGINE: CLIFFBEASTS - Sweepstakes to have breakfast with none other than GIO! He will be IN CHARACTER during the breakfast!

Rating: M mature for silly

Content Warnings: none, except silly Gio foolishness

A/N: This glorious shitpost was written entirely by my beloved husband @man-slut-mando for the entertainment of our discord server. It's beyond crack fic, so hold on to your butts! It's about to get buttery.

You, of the 5 million entries…have WON THE BREAKFAST DATE WITH GIO!

You're driven to the airport, you get on the plane, and arrive at your destination: San Francisco, CA.

You're escorted by the crew of the movie! Limo, mid-morning mimosas, and a luxurious trip though Cali's hottest spots.

Now imagine:

YOU ARRIVE AT:

THE TOAST EATERY!!

Out front stands... Gio

He smiles warmly, and extends a hand to you as you exit the limo

As you walk towards him to take his hand, he throws out both arms and hugs you tightly - Almost too tight, and in true character, yell-whispers in your ear…

"GIO WAS WONDERING WHYEN YOU WERE GYOING TO GYET HEEEERE!"

Immediately he lets you go, and sprints inside the restaurant.

On the tables, toast.

Toast, toast toast.

On the radio: Haywood Banks, 'Yeah Toast'.

The menus? Long bread, with toast.

No extras, only butter, and Gio loves butter.

"THIS is Gio's FYAVORITE PLYACE TO EYAAAAT."

CRONCH CRONCH CRONCH - Crumbs everywhere. Napkins? NO, your way to clean up butter and toast crumbs?

MORE TOAST.

The icing on the proverbial toast-cake while you're there with Gio? He finishes his 24 pieces of butter toast. He has a mountain of crumbs on the tabletop.

He LICKS the table clean.

In front of you.

You stare at him, face guffaw'd.

"Oh, you wanted some of Gio's bounty? TOO BAD, LEETLE GURL. The crumbs are GIO'S."

You try to strike up conversation about the new cliff beasts movie.

"Do NOT try to deestract Gio by talking about the FYEATHERD BIRBS. Gio knows you are trying to STYEAL HIS TOAST."

The server brings you a drink.

Rehydrated milk with toast crumb topping.

"Ah, PYERFECT FOR DEEPING MAI TOAST INTO." Gio drinks the rehydrated milk abomination and smiles. Crumbs: present. Teeth: covered. "NYOW, how about a leetel kees for Gio?" At this point the song on the radio has hit the french toast part. Gio switches into this best french accent. He leans into your face, "omlyeeete due fyoromaaage~"

The date continues.

You leave the toast eatery, Gio still covered in crumbs. Guards? Security? Nope, it's just you two. You walk the streets with Gio as he points out all the best things.

"You see theees fyire hydrant? it is the REE-YONG color of REEYED." He leans down and touches the hydrant. Pulls out a large crescent wrench from his pant leg that you didn't notice before, "Gio needs hydration."

SPLOOSH!

Water, everywhere.

Gio takes a drink. Flooding waters be damned, he pulls you along, both of you soaked.

Phones, ruined.

Hair, sloppy.

Plap plap plap go his wet slippers on the concrete. The $200 you spent on getting all pretty for meeting your favorite actor? Gone. Wasted. Oh yes, did I forget to mention? He's dressed in slippers, jeans, and a bathroom robe. Hair, fluffy and erratic. No shirt.

Crumbs are stuck in his chest hair.

He notices you noticing him. "Oh, you weesh to consume from Gio's glorious chest bounty? I THYINK NOT." He grabs his chacha poppers and licks the crumbs off his chest as best he can.

(We cannot reference his pecs properly, no. We must refer to them as his chacha poppers. Uno and dos)

You continue walking. By now, your shoes have dried, but the rest of you hasn't. Was this the breakfast date you wanted? No, but you were still with Gio…so….

Stop.

Gio stares skyward. "I weesh to eat edamame."

You furrow your brow. "Eda..mame? Like the bean?"

"Gyes. Just lyiek your edamame, madam omelette~" At this point you can't help but wonder what sort of drug induced frenzy has taken control of this man. He turns to face you, and walks up to you slowly, cautiously. "You…will help Gio find his edamame"

Your eyes wander around, looking for anything that remotely looks like a candid camera location. "Hey."

"HYEY." Gio stares you down with a frown on his face. "Do you nyot trust Gio? Why do you avoid hees special gaze?" 

Suddenly, a sound graces your ears: Pyurrrruururrubbbbbybbbppbbbpbpbptt

Gio's eyes go wide. 

"Gio. Must. Go. NOW." He breaks into a sprint-wobble, aiming for the dry cleaners across the street. You're too stunned to follow him, instead watching as he slams the door open And proceeds to lift the lid on a washing machine by the front window. 

The owner starts screaming in an unknown language.

Gio sits upon the washing machine, jeans only part way down his thighs.

Unbeknownst to Gio, and unbeknownst to the shop worker…

This machine will start on the spin cycle if hit just right.

And unfortunately for both parties involved…

The spin cycle starts.

Clearly, we're going to need a bigger mop and bucket soon.

You can't face what is unfolding in front of you, so you turn around and start walking away from the dry cleaners who just received a new indoor paint job. You pull your phone out - Still drenched by the way, and sigh at the fact that it is still indeed dead. You continue walking down the street. Folks watch you as you pass by, questioning your looks, but hey, it's San Francisco.

Suddenly, behind you in the distance, you hear: "plap plap plap plap PLAP PLAP PLAP"

"MYEYE SWEET LEETLE GURL, WHY DO YOU FLYEE FROM GIO?"

A shiver - Nay, an ICEBERG of a shudder runs down your spine. You snap your head back to look at the oncoming disaster that is Gio. At this point, what you see cannot surprise you any more, and yet…

Three, count them: THREE pairs of ladies' underwear are upon his head. His jeans? Still on one leg. His WHITE boxers are now coated in some blue substance which you assume to be detergent, yet you can see a hint of…brown?!?!?

He's lost his robe and now has a yellow suit jacket on.

"WYAT FOR GIOOOO!"

He stops inches from you yet again, and smiles as tenderly as he can, covered in more than the normal amounts of fluids a man should have on at one time.

Before you can say anything to Gio, you hear tires screeching in the distance.You both turn to see your savior approaching at more-than-legal speeds: THE LIMO!

The limo screeches to a halt in front of you both, and two people jump out immediately. In their hands is some sort of hulahoop, with plastic around it?

"Oh, hyellow my frieeends!" Gio chirps before being grabbed by the scruff of his neck.

"Hello, Dieter."

The hula-hoop is held above him, and within milliseconds, a curtain drops around him, hiding him from view.

Clothes are flung from the sides, a large bucket of water is dumped into the ring above Gio, with him giggling the entire time.

The hoop is dropped, and Gio reappears fully clothed and clean.

"Hyellow again!"

Both of his handlers look at you, faces emotionless. "Don't worry, he does this a lot."

"He what?"

"I dyou this a-loht" Gio says, mocking his handlers with a high pitched voice.

The exhausted handler sighs. "Now, shall we continue to the next part of your sweepstakes prize? If you both enter the limo, we can head to our next destination. Gio, we even have your favorite snacks in the limo: fruit roll ups!"

"Oh be-yoi!" I love the snacks!"

To be continued.

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[just-some-random-blogger]

im sorry babes but im begging you. Can we have a pedro pascal x reader fic where she's like a vlogger/lawyer and its like a fanmade video of them on yt of them being crackheads and being all lovey-dovey. like libra x aries vibes they balance each other out sm. you don't have to really but i genuinely feel like you're the only person who can pull this off.

Talk To My Lawyer

Every time Pedro gets asked something he can't answer, he always says the same thing.

Pedro Pascal x Lawyer!Reader | 600< | cw: gender neutral!reader, fluff, crack, rpf, typos, etc.

A/N: i didnt use and pronouns for yn besides you so anyone can read! ALSO this took forever, but im glad I finally did it. I hope you enjoy this nonnie! it's not exactly like the request but its pretty funny lmao

Tagging: @sloanexx @amis-love-bugs @top1bbgloak @sunfairyy @djarinsstuff @mooniesyubi @pedropascalgirly @mmmmandoz @multifandom-fangirl4

X - (Formerly Twitter) - verse

@hotnewsoutlet: Pedro Pascal announces marriage to Civil Rights Lawyer with heartfelt Instagram post. @gigigogold1: PEDRO IS MARRIED? @linmanuzel: PEDRO IS MARRIED? (2) @HOTdigitidawg: PEDRO IS MARRIED? (3) @103840582duh: ??????????????????????????????????? QUE @pedropascaldad: TO A MOTHER FUCKING LAWYER 💀💀💀✋✋✋ @pedropascaldad: OF COURSE THE LAWYER LOOKS LIKE A SUPERMODEL TOO HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA *jumps off a plane*

@papipascalyuh: ok but if pedro was gonna get married ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ hell yeah itd be someone who looks like THAT holy fuck

@80pascal: ?????????????????????????????????????? UR TELLING ME THIS LAYWER IS NOT ONLY HOT BUT SMART AND FUNNY TOO????? [article link attached] @biwohla: 💀💀💀💀💀 NO CUZ THE LEVEL OF UNHINGED??? FROM A LAWYER???? INFUCKINGSANE @marvelwhorebb: "... I made sure to wear the Pedro Pascal T-shirt I made when we first announced our relationship. Gotta let the people know I'm one of them and simply got lucky." @atrediessucker: T-SHIRT *I MADE* SCREAMING WHATTTTTT

@djinssdjarrinn: OK IT HURTS BUT FUCK HES SO WHIPPED [video attached]

"How are you today?" asks the interviewer.

Pedro smiles and nods, "good, how are you?"

"I'm great, now that I got to see you," she says, making the man curl his head into his shoulder and grin.

Pedro waves a hand, "oh stapit"

She grins back, "I was excited when I saw you arrive with the internet's favorite lawyer."

His expression shifts, he brightens up. He places a hand on his chest, "me too! I'm so happy to have a date today. I always end up beggin' for some time, and now I got it-" fist pump "-y'know, not that I'm complainin'."

"Yeah, I was gonna sa-"

"I like begging." *Pedro smile.*

The interviewer doesn't quite catch it, "-y, the both of you are always booked and busy. How do you find time for each other?"

Pedro thinks, but is distracted when you walk up from behind him. He looks back when you place a hand on his shoulder. Immediately, he's forgotten all about the question and dotes on you. He brushes a hand on your cheek, asking you if you're okay. You whisper something but then catch the camera. You give a bashful smile, "oh, sorry to interrupt."

The interviewer immediately waves a hand, "oh, don't worry about it."

Pedro mutters something and kisses your hand. He holds it as he looks back to the interviewer. He opens his mouth then shakes his head, "sorry, what was the question?" Pedro laughs.

The woman chuckles then moves closer to you, "you know what, I'm sure people are dying to know, what's something you newlyweds like to do together?"

Pedro instantly turns to you.

You purse your lips in thought.

"I-"

"Watching movies," you say.

"I-" Pedro starts again, looking back to the interviewer, "I don't think we can say what we like to do."

*crickets*

Pedro looks at you, expression mischievous.

You stare back at him, eyes like daggers.

He holds back a laugh and leans into the mic, turning to the camera, "I can't say it. Talk to my lawyer."

The interviewer laughs and so do you, begrudingly.

"Talk to my lawyer," Pedro repeats proudly, breaking into a wide mouthed smile.

"Ok," you mutter, "pack it up, Pascal."

@alexielover: SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP BASHING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL WHAT THE FUCK @600MILK: MF SAID TALK TO MY LAWYER 🙄�� SOBBING @oscarisaaacsz: watch him use that for everythingggggg 😭 @pedrogrill: LORD I HAVE SEEN WHAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR OTHERS @starwazfr: *sips clorox cutely* @emeryslala: and im supposed to sha la la baby after this? FOUL @pascpedro: respectfully, id pay to be their third @probelmaskt: PACK IT UP PASCAL???????????????????

[just-some-random-blogger]

You're Not Cute

Pedro Pascal x Reader

Summary: i saw a fucking tiktok of pedro reciting shakespeare and i will never forgive him for not letting me lie on his lap while he strokes my hair and recites said shakespeare to me. i thought you were a feminist pedrito?! i trusted you pepe. fuck you (me).

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: gender neutral!reader, actor/actress!reader, reader has hair im sorry if ur bald T_T and whipped for pedro and reading this, established but not public relationship (shhh it'll make sense), pedro go to jail party, crack fic, fluff, typos, etc.

A/N: we all know pedro pascal watches his edits, but i wonder if he's ever... read fics of himself 💀💀💀💀 hi papi! if you're reading this first of all why second of all i love you the tiktok in question that has me at gunpoint tumblr. look at this gif. this is your man??? this is OUR man? fuck off. ALSO I HAVENT PROOFREAD THIS COS I GOT CHORES BYE Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @sloanexx @amis-love-bugs @top1bbgloak @sunfairyy @djarinsstuff @mooniesyubi @pedropascalgirly @mmmmandoz

"Wooooweeee!"

My eyes dart from my reflection on the mirror to the grinning man who popped up from behind me. I turn to him just as he begins wiggling his brows. I make a face him as he narrows his eyes and snaps his fingers while trotting over to me, "looking good, mi amor," he rolls his tongue to mimic a purr and gestures like a cat, "RRRRRRRRRRR."

I roll my eyes at him as I chuckle, turning back to my reflection, "hands off Pedro."

He gasps in offence, raising his hands, "I haven't even touched you yet!"

I lean in to more clearly see the dark blue line I was drawing by my eyes, "ok then," I shrug, "sorry for assuming."

Pedro tilts his head and waves his hands, "apology accepted--" he moves forward until he was close enough to snake his arms around me, "--in form of touching you."

I huff at his shenanigans but do not fight him off. In fact, I lean into his back hug and rest my head against him as we both look at our reflections in the mirror. I motion to my face amidst my scrutiny, "is the eyeliner too much?"

"Nope," he kisses my temple then retorts rather seriously, "it's yas slay."

I make a face.

His serious expression only lasts two seconds before he explodes into laughter. I release a huff as I bring my hand to my face while he thoroughly enjoys his own stupidity. I release one airy chuckle before giving myself a final once over, deciding I looked well put together enough. He inhales deeply to catch his breath then sighs against me, "you smell soooo good."

"It's called a shower," I moved to elbow him off, "you should try it sometime."

I grunt as I struggle against him. I hiss when I feel his mouth on me, "PEDRO!"

He pulls back, all after managing to leave a wet bite on my neck.

Pedro recoils and raises his hands in defeat. I punch him on the chest before wiping his mark.

He sighs, "it's kinda hard to shower by yourself, ya know. I need some help. Also!" he points, "you're dirty now, you got a little," he motions to his neck, "dribble on you-"

"PEDRO PLEASE," I pinch my fingers together, "my interview is in like, ten minutes," I point at him and scold, "contain yourself. Stay in your room."

I begin to storm off and he watches, moaning like a baby, "you mean our ro-"

I feel him follow after me. I snap, "STAY IN YOUR ROOM!" halting in my tracks. I push him back as I grab the door knob. He gives me a puppy dog frown. I give him one last point before closing the door behind me on my way out, "stay here."

Alas. I was in the living room, with a laptop set up in front of me as I did my online interview. I was glad that my Pedrito followed my orders and stayed in the bedroom for the entire duration. Not long now before it ends.

I smile to the interviewers as they begin to wrap up our short segment. I, along with he two hosts from a live news channel, laugh at the closing remarks. Suddenly, I find myself looking out to my side when I see an incoming Pedro just about to pass by.

He was stretching as he walked. He looked like he managed a brief power nap.

Oh fucking shit, he's going to the bathroom. And he's going to pass behind me to get there.

"Now, do you want to invite your fans to watch your film?" the male host asks.

"Uhhh," I trial off, as I turn to my side, rather un-inconspicuously. Pedro was soooooooo close now.

I panic as I turn between my camera and my impeding doom, "uhhh."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Aint no way he was about to pass behind me and expose us like this.

THINK! WHAT DO WE DO?!??!

If I say his name, they're going to know it's him, but if I don't they're going to ask who I'm talking to anyway, but if I ignore him, he's going to pass and reveal himself. FUCKKKKK-

And in the split second of panic, I burst out the secret fourth option, and quite possibly the worst one, "FUCK!"

Yeah. Everyone stops.

Cue, my string of panicked apologize, "shit, I'm- fuck, SORRY SORRY SORRY!"

I catch Pedro, just as he realized what he has just done, or what he was about to do, rather.

"Sorry," I cover my hands on my face, "Sorry I-"

The interviewers laugh at me as I recuperate.

I sigh, turning to my side, "it's- there's a ghost that lives in my house."

"Oh, wow, you live in a haunted house?" the female host chuckles, "how thrilling."

"Yeah," I turn back to my camera, "it's quite stressful."

The interviewers chuckle as I regain composure and wave at my camera, "anyway, the ghost in my house says go watch the film with your loved ones, with family, friends, and your house ghosts too. We all worked very hard on the film, and we hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed working on it."

"Right!" Pedro agrees off camera, making me tense in my seat. He adds rather weakly as we make quick eye contact, "right."

The male host laughs, "wow, your ghost is really excited about this film."

"The ghost is going to get evicted soon. I'm calling an exorcist." I force a smile.

Finally, we say our goodbyes and I immediately shut my computer before any other fiasco happens.

"Sorry!" Pedro says immediately once he drops to his knees next to me, "I had booger brain. I woke up from a nap."

I look down at his messy hair and remorseful face. He grabs onto my legs and continuously apologizes to me.

I roll my eyes at him and tilt his head up at me as I grab him by his dark hair, "apology with tears."

He pouts, "I'm really, really sorry, baby. My booger brain..."

I release my grip on him and he immediately sits down next to me and pulls me into him. He continuously apologizes and I lean into his touch, beginning to feel bad for how genuinely remorseful he was. Just a little. He's kinda cute when he's pathetic like this.

"Pedro it's fine," I say, turning to him, pecking his lips repeatedly, "nothing happened. The hosts played it off too, which was really nice of them."

I crawl onto his lap and embrace him. He sighs and embraces me back. I nuzzle my face into his neck and murmur, "weren't you going to the bathroom?"

"Hmm? No, I was going to make a sandwich."

I snort, "of course you were."

I pull my head back and we look at each other. Pedro rubs my back. An idea springs into mind. I smile deviously, "I have decided that your apology will be in a form of Shakespeare."

When I shift off him to lie on the sofa and prop my head on his thigh, he looks down at me with furrowed brows. He brings his hands to his chest, "is the genuineness of my remorse not sufficient enough for you?"

"No, Don John," I sigh, "hark to me. From the top. Much Ado About Nothing."

Pedro chuckles airily before gathering my hair and pulling it back so that he could comb through it with his fingers. He sighs, and I turn to him as he scrunches his face, "I don't fucking remember."

"Do the, 'I must be sad when I...' like, feel like it, or some shit."

Pedro throws his head back and laughs. He sucks in a sharp breath, "like," he says with his exaggerated LA accent, "I have to be sad when I feel like I need to be sad."

"Exactly! Do that part," I giggle.

He continues, "I also will totally not smile at your lame jokes," he purses his lips and makes a face.

"Wait, that's what that means?"

Pedro nods at me, "yeah that's what that means."

"I thought that meant, like, I'll cry when I want to and smile when I want to."

"Well," he caresses my cheek, "you're not too far off."

I wave my hands, "ok, ok, now do the rest, and do it properly this time."

He playfully growls at me, "well, it's kinda hard to do Shakespeare when this cute lil thing is distracting me."

"Do better then."

"I'd rather do you."

"Pedro."

"What? You started it!"

I roll my eyes make a zipper motion to my mouth.

Pedro clears his throat. He mumbles some lines to himself to jog his memory, "... sleep when I am drowsy and tend on no man’s business," he states in an exaggerated manner, "laugh when I am merry and claw no man in his humor."

I hold in a laugh as he raises his hands in dramatics.

"And then," Pedro calls, "Conrad says something but I can't remember what he says."

"Pedro!" I whine.

"What?! I can't recite something I forgot, now can I?" he replies, busying himself with brushing my hair again.

I cross my arms, "boomer."

"Yeah, but I'm your boomer," he says pinches my nose. I wrangle against his actions and sequentially sit up.

Before I could retaliate, a phone rings across the room. It takes a second for me to realize it was I that received a phone call. I go ahead and answer upon seeing it was from my manager.

"Hello?"

"What have you done?!"

I pull my head back at her tone, "uh... hello to you too. What do you-"

"Are you aware you have a mirror behind your sofa?" she says.

I make a face. What does that-

I freeze, expression dropping as I turn to Pedro and slowly then to the mirror behind my sofa. There's a mirror behind my sofa. I have a fucking mirror behind my sofa.

My manager hums at my silence, "so, you want to make a statement with the ghost in your house before people catch on, or-"

I sigh as my manager begins to run down the possible things we could do. Pedro looks at me in concern as I wipe my face in frustration.

"Yeah, okay, okay. Let me call back in a minute. Bye."

Once I hang up, Pedro shifts on his spot and raises his brows at me.

I purse my lips, "they could see you in the mirror, Pedro."

He knits his brows, "see me in the mirror?"

I raise my brows at him.

He tries to piece it together, "see me in the... OH."

"Yeah, oh. My manager already spoke to yours, and they want to know what we want to do before people start making memes about your ugly face in my fucking mirror."

Pedro gives a guilty look. He throws his arm on the backrest and drops his head on his shoulder, "I... could change my name on Instagram to 'Ghost'."

I roll my eyes, "not fucking helping, Pedro."

"NO! But I'm serious, I-"

[just-some-random-blogger]

(Not At All) Secretly Into You

Pedro Pascal x Reader

Summary: Pedro thinks the best way to be slick about his crush on you is to be 100% unabashed about it. Ha ha! No one will expect that he has feelings for you if he's outright about it!

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: gender neutral reader, Actor/Actress!reader, the use of y/n T_T, dummy!pedro, fluff, crackfic, typos, etc.

A/N: i cant help myself. i just head empty only pedro look at this gif people. take a good long look at him. what is it about him that has us in such a chokehold? i think this is the tipping point of humanity. what is it about him that has us like this? 😩 HES SO STUPID AND DUMMY HELLO?! he needs to be stopped. he needs to be jailed. or better yet SOMEONE MARRY HIM SO THAT WE INHERETLY GO OH SHIT ITS OVER SOMEONE WON T_T thank you for reading my little rant Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @sloanexx @amis-love-bugs @top1bbgloak

Let me set the scene for you It's a cold, rainy day. There's a person all alone in their bedroom. They're bored AF. They look up, 'movies to watch 2023', and finds a film they're interested in. It's staring Pedro Pascal & [Y/N]. It's good. So good. Too good. It becomes their personality. They begin to hyperfixate. They look for other related content. Behind the scenes. Interviews. Interviews. They fall in love with the dynamic of the main characters IRL. They hyperfixate on them. They're not the only one in this boat. They search for other content. They stumble across a fan edits. Fan edits. Their mouth waters at it. They watch it.

Here's how one of them starts:

Hello.

After watching the movie of Pedro Pascal and [Y/N] and going absolutely feral (GO WATCH IT WIMPS) I have taken it upon myself to do a thorough investigation of their relationship (because I am CERTAIN they smashed and BY THE POWER OF ANIME I'm going to make it certain YOU think it's certainly so) so-

Without Further Ado, I present:

They Smashed, And Here's The Evidence.

You and Pedro are doing an interview answering questions while eating snacks from your respective hometowns. This is a snippet from that interview.

Cut scene, the question, which is read by a staff member off camera, is 'what is your favorite thing about the other?'

"You know, what my favorite thing about you is?" Pedro asks, albeit somehow rhetorically, as he chews on something. He was looking at you when he asked this. He watches with crossed arms as you struggle to open the snack packet.

His eyes dart to the small, plastic wrapped cookies as you sigh in defeat and hand it to him. He grins to himself, dramatically rolling his neck before he takes it from you and begins to open make his attempt to open it. Because of your lack of response, he asks as he rips at the package, "do you want to know what my favorite thing about you is?"

"Not really, no," you say, crossing your arms, knitting your brows, shaking your head.

Pedro makes a face looking out to no one in particular. He turns to you, just as he opens the wrapper, "meanie."

You beam, claiming the treat he hands it to you, "thank you."

He watches as you carefully get a cookie for yourself. Pedro looks at the camera, "as of this moment, I rescind any positive feelings I may have ever felt for-GRFF-"

You shove a cookie in his mouth as you excitedly moan and speak half-muffled with a full mouth, "it's still good!"

Pedro chews on the cookie.

"I used to love these when I was like," you raise your hands, "this big."

It takes a few moments for you to merit a response.

"You're literally still that big, what do you mean?" Pedro says.

You give him a second's glance as you clear your mouth, "talk to me like that after you retire your heels to join the 6 feet and above club."

Pedro shakes his head and rolls his eyes, "You're not even getting anywhere near the entr-"

You shove another cookie in his mouth, effectively cutting him off.

"My favorite thing about Pedro is when his mouth is shut."

Pedro's chews viscously, rolling his eyes all over again. He looks into the camera with a wholly exaggerated look. He then scoffs loudly, throwing his head back, crossing his arms all over again, mouth half-full, "you better pray you can keep your mouth shut later tonight."

Cut the cameras.

Did yall hear that?

WELL LET ME MAKE SURE YOU DID

"You better pray you can keep your mouth shut later tonight."

Later Tonight

Later Tonight.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING LATER TONIGHT AND CAN I PLEASE PARTICIPATE?

Now, ok, if you're some weird puritan that got mixed up in this mumbojumbo for lolz and you're thinking, 'oh maybe they're going to play Uno. Uno is pretty intense.'

you're wrong

get the fuck outta here /:

Now.

I raise you some out of context clips that give off domestic energy.

Clip #1: In the subway

Quite literally, it's a video post on your Instagram of you and Pedro riding a slightly packed metro in New York. You're holding your phone closely to you. It's showing both yours and Pedro's double chin. The only reason why you're recording is because he's singing a children's song from Barney, 'And The Green Grass Grows All Around' under his breath. You ardently hold back your laughter as he begins to do the gestures.

>>>COMMENT SCREENSHOT: @ pascalispunk : it's a bop, fam. 😔 why'd you have to play me like this @yn_000 replied: literally no one said it wasnt a bop my love @ pascalispunk replied: i love it when you call me your love 💗

IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING SALAD.

THE SHEER AUDACITY OF THESE LOVE-DOVEY SEWER RATS. I DEMAND SATISFACTION.

Clip #2: The Breakfast Person

"I'm not really a breakfast person," you casually admit, mid-interview.

Pedro audibly gasps, "you're not a br- Wait, no, suddenly that makes so much sense. You stuff your face so quickly during lunch."

You slap him on the chest, "hey!"

Pedro snorts, "it's okay, baby, I gotchu," he begins to cook on his imaginary pan, "bacon and eggs, pancakes, oatmeal, whatever, I gotchu."

"You make oatmeal in a pan?" you ask, furrowing your brows.

"Only for the people I love," he smiles and leans towards you. He begins to make a weird laughing noise that sounds part motorcycle, part massive idiot who's so damn annoying.

You take a seconds look at him before smacking him on the face.

Cinematic parallels.

Clip #3: Our Fridge

"There," Pedro holds up the portrait of you that he had been completing the entire interview.

You look up from your own paper and break into hysterics. You lean into your knees from where you sat, nearly toppling forward. Pedro chuckles as he reaches out to you to keep you from falling. You lean back in your seat and wheeze, "what IS that?"

"What do you mean," Pedro grins, "don't you recognize yourself?"

You make a face as you catch your breath. You point to the top area of his paper, "is that supposed to be an eye?"

Pedro looks at his creation, "no, that's... that's that-- but this is your eye."

"You mean to tell me you drew me one eye?"

"I took creative liberties."

You chuckle in disbelief, "this man just told me he thinks I look like Mike Wazowski."

"Mike Wazowski wishes he'd look half as good as you, mi amor."

You turn to the camera, "I don't know how I feel about that."

"Which part?"

"Every part!"

"Well," he rips the page off the sketchpad, "better put this on our fridge."

"We are not putting this on our fridge."

"Why not?" he whines.

"Well, besides the fact it's ugly-"

"WOW," he trails off loudly, "just because it doesn't meet twisted societal beauty standards doesn't mean it's ugly."

You simply shake your head, "that is not going anywhere near our fridge."

PEDRO SAID BOO YOUR PETTY SOCIETAL BEAUTY STANDARDS 😩😩😩

YOU TELL EM PEDRO.

Also, they really said

OUR FRIDGE

And I think that's beautiful.

And now quite possibly, the most damning evidence of all.

THIS.

You and Pedro are sat next to each other on a sofa across an interviewer during one of those fan meet interview sort of segments. It's a fan cam, and from the angle in which this particular audience member is sat, its very much visible that Pedro, with his arm slung on the top of the back rest, was drawing circles onto your back. You do not outwardly react to his touch at all. [THIS RAT SO USED TO IT FFS]

You turn to Pedro and ask on through your mic, "what do you think?"

He says 'huh' off mic, then straightens up and brings his mic to his lips, only to give you a confused look.

"What do you think of that scene?" you repeat, brushing his brows with your thumb in affectionate annoyance. [BOO 👎 PDA BOO TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO 🍅🍅🍅🍅]

"Oh," he says, "that scene," he nods his head and widens his eyes at you, hoping you'd help him out.

The crowd laughs. [SIMPS smh]

You only mimic his wide eyes and offer a raised brow.

Pedro and you stare for a moment. Ultimately, he sighs and rubs your nape with his fingers, "fine-" the person recording says 'WTF' "-I have no idea what you're talking about."

There is a chorus of laughs.

"I'm still on the part where you said I was hot when I was covered in blood."

The crowd screams. You roll your eyes. Pedro laughs as he literally grabs your neck and pulls you into him, crushing you against him.

The crowd goes wild. The person who is recording is cursing.

Deep breath. FIRST OF ALL-

The person recording's a real MVP for managing to keep (relatively) calm while witnessing the gall of those two to do that in front of EVERYONE'S SALAD.

Second of all, aint no way, aint NO WAY you let someone like tHIS-

-with his itty bitty tiny waist and manhandle you like THAT in, and I can't stress this enough, FRONT OF EVERYONE'S SALADS, and not do anything further. It's science.

You're honor, the ruling, please.

100% Guilty of ✨Smashing✨

[just-some-random-blogger]

Come Get 'Im!

Pedro Pascal x Actress!Reader

Summary: "It's day 130, and this man with a mustache still can't get a fucking hint and keeps inviting himself to have lunch with me."

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: Fem!reader, crude language, crack fic, low key social media au format, annoying rat!pedro, mentions/depictions of online hate, use of y/n T_T, fluff, typos, etc.

A/N: HOY @sloanexx ito na. I hope this makes you spiral HAHAHAHAH Also tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace

Shaky cam and out of breath has entered the chat.

It's a tiktok video of you recording yourself while in the middle of a jog.

"I swear," you pant, as the audio captures wind, "to fucking Obama, Trump, and Biden, America-- AMERICA!" you bark, "if one of you thirsty ass idiots come crying to me again for even breathing, BREATHING--" you scream and huff as you catch your breath. You jog a few paces forward. You look over your shoulder, back to your camera, "--around that idiot you like so bad, I'm going to explode."

The camera pans to your nostrils and double chin, "if you want your pathetic, middle aged man so bad, come and fucking get him!"

You harshly pull your phone back and show the man on a hoverboard trailing behind you. His brown hair is blowing with the wind. He raises a hand and waves. He grins at the camera, beaming as he says, "HI TIKTOK!"

"COLLECT," you point the camera back to you, "THIS RAGGEDY BAG OF BONES RIGHT NOW!"

"But I love you!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Welcome to: A day in the life of someone who is contractually obligated to be close to Pedro Pascal. Featuring you! The actress, who Pedro has been smitten with the entire time since filming and promoting your movie, and has thus since elicited the wrath of (some of) the Pascal girlies! Yay!

So, tell us, what is it like to be with the one and only Pedro Pascal! It is everything, all the fangirls dream of? Well, let's take a look at some footage!

It's a behind the scenes video. There is no audio available.

You and Pedro are standing far off from the perspective of the camera on an elevated set, in front of a blue screen. Pedro jokingly leans in, pushing his hands to you but not making contact. He's been teasing that he'd push you. He repeats this multiple times before eventually, you get tired and tell him off. He laughs with an open mouth and his tongue out. You turn over you shoulder, motioning something vaguely to someone off cam.

When you turn back to Pedro, he pretends to push you again, but this time, it backfires. He yelps and slips, crashing into a foam of cushions beneath you. Instantly, you turn and point to him, laughing out loud exaggeratedly, pointing at him from above. You then jump down to his side and then tackle him, pretending as though you were on WWE. You end with coiling his arm behind him, sticking your tongue out to the camera.

Wow! How educational!

Here's you and him doing an interview!

"I really enjoy that the film is not scared to dive into that-" you start, gesturing your hands as you passionately pour your thoughts on the theme of the film.

Pedro, who had been listening to you intently, turns to you and randomly pokes your cheek.

You ignore this, used to his behavior, as you continue, "I think it's really important that we, as a society, openly talk about this dilemma and critically reassess it."

Pedro pokes your cheek again, only this time, you turn to him, and he faces front and acts as if he did not just do that.

You turn back to the interviewer. He makes another attempt at poking you face, only this time, you turn and bite at his finger. You very nearly manage to get him.

He pulls his finger back and gasps, clutching both his hands to his chest, "ay, dios mio."

You snarl at him before going back as you were. You break into a chuckle when you hear him slipping into laughter. He says "that was actually scary."

"You deserve it."

Here's you and Pedro talking to a child that is a fan of both your separate work! (His being The Mandalorian, yours being A Mermaid Tale)

You coo as the little girl runs up to you and hugs your legs. You lower yourself, so to embrace the child in your arms. You coo as the small child wraps her arms around you. Pedro, from behind you, grins as he takes a photo of your interaction.

When she pulls away from you, you gasp at her pigtails, complementing them.

She smiles, "it's like- like your hair in the movie!"

You grin, "such a smart girl! It totally is, but honestly, yours is so much better!"

The girl smiles at you and you smile back at her. She then looks up to the man that was standing behind you, pointing at him before turning back to you, "he's - ss friends with baby yoda!" she breaks her words the way small children do.

Pedro, adoring the attention and the recognition from the child, jumps from behind you to dramatically exclaim and clutch his chest, "I'M FRIENDS WITH YODA!"

The girl looks up at the man, stepping back, then turning to her mom for guidance. Her mom, by the way, was recording the whole interaction. She breaks into a laugh at her daughter's nervousness, "it's ok baby."

You and Pedro follow suit in laughter, though you turn and swat at him, "you scared the poor child."

"I'm so sorry, my love," Pedro says, placing a hand on his chest, "I was just so excited about baby yoda!" he explains, ending with a goofy face.

The girl turns back to him, finally breaking into a smile.

"YES! I'm cool again!" Pedro says just as you stand and he bends down to raise his knuckles to the child for a fist bump.

She apprehensively bumps knuckles with him. Pedro gasps and coos, "right on!" He then raises his hands, "what about a hug?"

The girl bends her knees, gaining momentum, then she jumps into Pedro's arms, sealing him into a tight hug.

Everyone AWWS.

Everyone, that is, except... the haters.

Pull up the receipts.(For various reasons, some text has been censored or removed.)

@w0nderw0madn: omF******g if i have to see that b**** ass [redacted] [y/n] f****** grope my pedro again im going to kill her and [redacted multiple texts...]

@ilovechesed: i have no idea who [y/n] thinks she is but it's so f****** pathetic of her to throw herself onto pedro pascal when he's clearly not even interested in him

[redacted]'s video: Hot take. You guys are only thirsting after [Y/N] because she's hot by association of Pedro Pascal

[Y/N] Receives Faces Wave Of Internet Trolls After Her New Film's Recent Debut

But internet trolls are promptly handled by people with actual brain cells.

@w0nderw0madn: omF******g if i have to see that b**** ass [redacted] [y/n] f****** grope my pedro again im going to kill her and [redacted multiple texts...]

@pedropascstiddies replied to w0nderw0man: LMAO I REPORTED YOU WITH MY 10 ACCOUNTS HOPE YOU ENJOY GETTING YOUR ACCOUNT DELETED

@ilovechesed: i have no idea who [y/n] thinks she is but it's so f****** pathetic of her to throw herself onto pedro pascal when he's clearly not even interested in him

@loverofdilfsd replied to ilovechesed: ? you mean this pedro pascal [image attached] [image description: A picture of Pedro Pascal looking at [Y/N] with a soft smile as while she answers a question during a red carpet premiere]

@ynbabymyluv replied to ilovechesed: you mean this pedro pascal? [image attached] [image description: A picture of Pedro Pascal grinning widely as he embraces [Y/N] mid pout]

@100ass replied to ynbabymyluv: nah here's the video of that and im salty too [video attached] [video description: Pedro Pascal asks for a bit of [Y/N]'s food but she releases it before he grabs on to the plate.]

[redacted]'s video: Hot take. You guys are only thirsting after [Y/N] because she's hot by association of Pedro Pascal

user842048525972 commented: ass take

i-think-imprettycool commented: 💀YALL MF DO ANYTHING FOR CLOUT

swiftandshore commented: Or you dont have taste

[Y/N] Receives Faces Wave Of Internet Trolls After Her New Film's Recent Debut

And fans are coming to her aid. 💅 As they should.

Of course we can't end this without showing some of the love people have extended for their new internet fixation.

In coming receipts.

[y/n] and pedro being NSFW for 10 minutes straight

>>Most played [6:43]: [video description: [Y/N] and Pedro Pascal's make out scene]

"If you go out without me - " he growls, grabbing her by the wrist, ripping her back into his chest. He then grabs her by her hair, forcing her face him. "You'll what? Huh?!" she hisses, craning her neck up as she grabs his shirt, pulling him down to her. She grunts, "what? You'll leave me in the fucking desert like what you did last time!" "WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU TO BELIEVE THAT WASN'T MY CHOICE!" "SHOW ME YOUR STATUS REPORT FILE!" He scoffs, "you and your fucking reports." "Show me your status report file," she words sternly. "You want a status report?!" he fumes. "YES! SHOW ME-" Her words are cut off when her mouth is covered with his. He releases her hair to clutch her cheeks and pushes her against the wall. She releases his shirt to dig her fingers into his sides. He moans. She laughs, "wimp."

89igotaletter commented: I LOVE IT WHEN [Y/N] AND PEDRO.

Andre Potato commented: MOMMY SORRY DADDY SORRY MOMMY SORRY DADDY SORRY

broalhasd commented: everyday i wake up and thank God that for this holy collab.

@830marbel: if it ever gets tiring being so hot @yn_real_ig, pls allow me to cool you with my tears

@yn_real_ig replied to 830marbel: i appreciate it but i still have 2 trays of pedro's tears. i put them in my juice 🧊🧊

@evrything284: i dont know if i want to be @yn_realig or pedro pascal in this [image attached] [image description: A picture of [Y/N] and Pedro Pascal together on the red carpet premiere for their film]

@yn_real_ig replied to evrything284: be true to you. be yourself. be our 3rd

@pedfroizaac: btw @yn_real_ig our boyfriend [image attached] [image description: Bugs Bunny communist meme]

@yn_real_ig replied to pedfroizaac: this is america [image attached] [image description: A bald eagle in front of the American flag]

Final thoughts from both players.

Here is fan favorite interview of you both.

You pull a piece of paper from a jar and read its contents, "what's your favorite thing about the other-- murder," you say, throwing the paper off to the side.

Pedro, who was sitting by your right makes a nervous sound, jaw dropping. He then promptly smirks and nods, "exactly."

You turn to the camera and nod, "murder."

"I'm into that."

"Murder."

"I am murder," Pedro agrees, raising his hands as he shrugs.

"Murder," you repeat one last time before turning to Pedro, "and his mustache."

"Oh," Pedro smiles, rubbing his 'stache as he leans back, "thank you. I grew it myself."

"I don't appreciate beard burn though," you wave your hands to your face.

"That's not what she said last night," Pedro takes his turn to look at the camera as he gives a stupid look.

You snap at him, "what did I say last night?"

Pedro ignores you and crosses his arms, "my favorite thing about you would be-"

"No wait, what did I say last night?"

Pedro looks at you.

"Tell them what I said last night."

Pedro purses his lips into a tight smile, "what?"

You challenge, "tell them what I told you last night."

His ears begin to burn. He shifts on his chair as his jaw slacks, "ha?"

"You want me to say what I told you last night?"

He begins to break a sweat, "I-I-" he laughs, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

You raise your brows at him.

Pedro clears his throat and rubs his lap, "I love how compassionate and kind she is."

You snort, leaning back in your chair, "okay."

To this day, people who stumble on that interview still comment: WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE TELL HIM LAST NIGHT?????

[just-some-random-blogger]

I Win, You Lose

Pedro Pascal x Actress!Reader

Summary: In Loving Memory of Pedro Pascal, the best bachelor that ever graced the planet. He's not dead, he just got into a relationship and I'm in mourning.

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: Fem!reader, extremely delusional, socmed au, crack fic, use of y/n smh, fluff, im on my final straw, typos, etc.

A/N: listen pedro pascal is a happy pill for me and i just wanna be silly goofy so let me have this or else i will cry. Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @sloanexx @amis-love-bugs @top1bbgloak @sunfairyy @djarinsstuff @mooniesyubi @pedropascalgirly @mmmmandoz @multifandom-fangirl4

Flickering lights. Hollering paparazzi. Click, flash, shudder. Pedro smiles through it all then is redirected to a few interviewers.

The interviewer he is redirected to beams at the sight of him, adjusting his grip on his mic, "hi! How are you?"

Pedro smiles, "I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm great! I'm so excited to see what you have in store for us, as I'm sure everyone else is," he motions to the camera.

Pedro places a hand on his heart. He thanks him, "that means a lot. I'm excited for everyone to see as well."

"Are you nervous at all?"

Pedro blows a raspberry, "I feel like I'm about to pass out any second."

He laughs, "is that the same thing you felt when you were talking to Y/N Y/L/N?"

Pedro's eyes widen a fraction. He lets out a chuckle then stills for a second before playfully slapping the man's arm. He laughs so hard that he can't respond. His face grows a bit red.

The interviewer laughs with him.

Pedro regains his wits, "I won't lie to you, my brain disconnected when she fixed my tie."

"Oh yeah," he agrees, nonchalant, "she did that to me once-"

"SHE DID?!" Pedro gasps.

"-and my- Yeah, she did-"

"When?" Pedro furrows his brows and points a finger, "right now? Right now?! You're not even wearing a tie!"

"No! No! Last time!"

"Well," he purses his lips and raises his brows, "hate to break it to ya, but she fixed my tie, like, 5 seconds ago." He rolls his eyes.

The interviewer raises his hands, "you're right. You win."

"Yes, that's correct."

Y/N Y/L/N poses with Pedro Pascal and stuns in blue dress

pascaldailyupdates: Okay but y/n and pedro 👀👀👀👀

anakinskyrunnin: 🧍‍♀️ this wasn't on my bucket list

ynforgetsramen: WHY ARE THEY POSING LIKE THAT

→ oscarpascal replied: THE WAY HE LOOKIN HER HAS ME ILL

→ → ynishotok replied: ??? CONFIRMING A RELATIONSHIP SOON

grogumybeloved: BRO BRO BRO WHAT @.dilfpascal have you SEEN THIS

→ dilfpascal replied: ❌👄❌ wdm

ynweekly: SO YOURE TELLING ME MY PREDICTIONS WERE ALL WRONG?

→ oscarpascal replied: LITERALLY ME THIS IS SUCH A PLOT TWIST

hollywoodscoop: Y/N Y/L/N & Pedro Pascal spotted with friends in New Yourk.

→ smexywolf replied: THAT COULD LITERALLY BE AND MY GRAMMA THATS SO PIXELATED

→ starwitch replied: YO WAHT

→ javijavipedro replied: GUYS DW I WENT TO NEW YORK AND DIDNT SEE THIS 😌 it cant be real

→ ynftw replied: [VIOLENT SCREAMING] I THOUGHT SHE WAS DATING ANDREW GARFIELD MY SHIP WHAT ABOUT MY SHIP

→ → ynishotok replied: 😭😭😭 PLEASE SAME THOUGHTS

→ goetye replied: I HAVE EXAMS WHAT IS THIS

→ javimypapi replied: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH FUCKING Y/N DAFAQ

→ → 1234choco replied: gg fr fr

Pedro Pascal & Y/N Y/L/N Confirm Relationship

Pascal has confirmed to Volume Magazine that he and actress Y/N Y/L/N have been in a "loving relationship" for a few months now.

pefropuppet: 🤪 loving 🤪 realtionship 🤪

→ javimypapi replied: 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 time to delete myself

It's Official! Pedro Pascal & Y/N Y/L/N are dating

And they're the cutest couple on this side of the planet.

wuit39pi: so glad i live on the otherside of the planet. that means this isn't real

c00lwhip: Y/N and I are still dating on the other side.

→ crayonpascal replied: me with pedro

ICYMI: Y/N Y/L/N dating Pedro Pascal

But I'm willing to bet you Pedro girlies did not miss a second of it.

djarinoppa: please this article is being so LOUD 😭

Radio 100 - Y/N Y/LN talks Pedro Pascal

"Let's talk about it," the young interviewer says, pursing her lips, pinching the air with her manicured nails.

I let out a breathy chuckle and nod, "let's."

"Pedro Pascal."

"Pedro Pascal," I repeat with a smile, continuing to nod.

"I want to know everything," she says, adjusting her headphones and her mic, "we at Radio 100, along with the rest of the world, want to know--" she turns to me, "--how did you bag the baddie?"

I break into laughter.

The host stresses, "the baddie."

"THE baddie," I repeat, "the baddie of our generation, Pedro Pascal," I chuckle and suck in a breath.

The interviewer chuckles with me and motions, "because goodness knows we're all going to be taking notes."

I sigh and think for a moment. I link my hands together and prop them on the table in front of me, "ya know, I was just real with him."

She nods, eager to know what else I had to say.

"I told him," I shrug, "I could bring him in hot or I could bring him in cold."

She breaks into a fit of laughs before I even finish the sentence. I laugh along with her, pleased with the reaction I garnered. She wheezes, "no but did you really?"

"Absolutely not," I snort, "that would have been great though, wouldn't? I'm pretty sure if I did do that, he would have cried."

We both cackle.

"Like," I chuckle, "don't know if it's a good cry or a bad cry but there would have been tears."

dukes_Ducks reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] 😱😱😱😱

cheeseontoast reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] THE PEDRO MEME???????????????????????????????????????????

anabreathing reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] ARE WE GOING TO SEE THEM ON A MAGAZINE TOGETHER LORD HAVE MERCY

TESTmeTRY reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] in front of my mother fucking salad 💀✋

pascalispunk reposted itsYNduh's story:

howlorgrowl reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] did this mf really just say strongly worded letter 😂😂 fuck outta here

itsYNduh reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] THANK YOU 😤😤

dindjarindaddy reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] ????? WHAT IS THIS

thelastofh0e reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] his boomer jumped out smh SCREAMING

pascaldailyupdates: Pedro and Y/N spotted together in a beach in Malibu.

→ MOONBABE replied: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW *RUNS INTO A TRAINTRACK*

→ igotb00bs replied: 💔SO💔HAPPY💔FOR💔YOU💔

→ brrrrambo replied: shhhh you guys its too blurry to tell who it is

→ → dilfpascal replied: LMAOOO

→ → → ynishotok replied: we love denial 🤡

→ cornyluvaffir replied: OK BUT THE HANDS AND THE LEANING AND THE THING WITH THE

→ javimypapi replied: NO CUZ THE WAY MY DAD SAID HE SAW THE MANDO GUY ON THE BEACH AND I DIDNT BELIEVE HIM

→ → 404dead replied: ✋✋✋✋ aint no fucking way 💀

→ dingdongdont replied: *sips clorox cutely*

dadystate0mind: BABE WAKE UP NEW PEDRO Y/N PICS JUST DROPPED

→ dilfpascal replied: what if was my last straw

→ ynbaeluv replied: im so glad this is blurry so i can pretend i didnt see it

→ lmaotryagain replied: the pda is pdaing

→ honeyyn replied: no cuz he got her smiling like mad 😢

→ pedromiamor replied: 😭😭😭

→ ynthighsluv replied: alexa play that should be me

LOOK: Pedro Pascal and Y/N Y/L/N in New York

→ batmanis1 replied: LMAOOOOOO THEY REALLY SAID 4K ULTRA HD

→ → yuh1200 replied: FRRR IM SOBBING I CANT USE THE ITS TOO BLURRY EXCUSE ANYMORE

→ → → jennieluvu replied: JOKES ON YOU I DONT HAVE MY GLASSES ON

→ → → → isaacpascal replied: DW I BLURRED THE PIC FOR US [image attached]

→ propernadz replied: I'm mentally unwell because they look so good together and I cannot deny.

→ stuckyforlife replied: GOD I HAVE SEEN WHAT YOU DO FOR OTHERS

→ natasharomanovv replied: i just woke up

→ → nevergain replied: same 😭😭😭

bellaramsey reposted itsYNduh's story

508cutie reposted bellaramsey's story [captioned] HELP BELLA REPOSTED THIS I CANT

donttalkbetty reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] SCREASMIFNF

pascalispunk reposted itsYNduh's story:

dilfpascals reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] DEAD IN THE GRAVE NO ONE TOUCH ME

memeynok reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] APOLOGY WITH TEARS

anderson_1 reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] no but theyre so cute for this and i hate it

enterthesandman reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] HES SHYYYYYY

ilovepascl reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] WHAT IF THIS WAS MY LAST STRAW

itsYNduh reposted pascalispunk's story:

igotitithink reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] GOD I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR OTHERS

ILOVEyn reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] WHEN IS IT MY TURN

[just-some-random-blogger]

When We Cross

There are those that prefer travelling with a partner, be it for companionship or their inability to ask for ketchup by themselves. To Pedro, that person was you.

Pedro Pascal x Reader | >700 | cw: fem!reader, fluff, angst, typos, etc.

A/N: im trying a new layout for the description and i cant tell if its ugly or im just too used what i normally do. oh well

Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @sloanexx @amis-love-bugs @top1bbgloak @sunfairyy @djarinsstuff @mooniesyubi @pedropascalgirly @mmmmandoz @multifandom-fangirl4

You know what would be really nice? A sundae.

Pedro makes a mental note to bring this up after he's gotten to the meetup place.

He makes a sound as he walks down the block. It's a balmy day, nearing the borderline of sweltering. It was manageable to him though. He huffs as he thinks of how sweaty you'd probably be.

Pedro makes a face at the people walking in front of him.

Can these people walk any slower. Like, bro? I've got places to be.

He adjusts the straps of his bags as he overtakes the people in front of him.

He huffs as he reaches the end of the street. A grumble leaves his lips when the pedestrian light goes red the moment his feet touch the curb. The people he overtook are now behind him. He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

Pedro brings his hands into his pocket. He pulls out his phone and takes a moment to look at his lockscreen. It's you and him. He can't help the way his lips curve at the sight of it. He really liked this photo. He liked that dress on you and the way you did your hair. He also liked the fact you were licking his cheek. Weirdo.

He licks his lips and tells himself not to think about that day too much, lest he combust on the sidewalk.

His phone dings in his hand: BRO WHERE ARE YOU?

Pedro presses the message quickly replies: almost there :P

Another ding: ?? you mean 😛

Another ding: also HURRY THE FUCK UP

Pedro does not reply and crosses the street instead. As he clutches his bag, his mind drifts to the healthy amount of times you and him crossed the street. He imagines the straps were your fingers in this moment. He feels fuzzy. It's not the same though. Why did you have to be so far away?

He weaves through the crowd and passes a bunch of people seated in the outdoor tables of a café, laughing their heads off. His eyes linger for a moment then he cringes.

Was everyone that loud in cafés? Us too? Geez.

Pedro makes sure his bag doesn't bump into a street light. In doing so, he turns right and catches sight of a drugstore. He thinks of the last time you went to a drugstore together. You raided their first aid section and bought all the cartoon band aids. And well, to be fair, there were only 3 boxes.

He chuckles to himself as he thinks about how you wore a whole purple band aid on your cheek as a pimple patch.

"Cute," he mutters as he watches where he steps on the pavement.

Finally, he's arrived.

He walks into the mall and immediately spots the impeccably impatient woman pacing around just by the entrance.

Pedro walks over to her, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm sorry it took so long. These stupid fucks walk so slow."

"Yeah, it's totally not your fault that you woke up late at-"

"It was five minutes!"

"HA! You mean five hours!"

They begin to argue in Spanish. Eyes are rolled. Lips are pressed in annoyance.

"Whatever!" Pedro finally sasses, raising a hand.

She sasses back, "ugly," she grabs her carry on luggage and they begin to walk off. She motions to the department store on her left, "you should buy a bar."

Pedro glances where she points. He sees the chocolates on display then eyes her hotly.

She raises a brow and shrugs, "a reason to call."

"Quit it," he blurts.

"What?"

Pedro begins to get annoyed.

"You clearly need one, Pedrito."

"I said q uit it."

She groans, "just do it. If you didn't want to, you'd have changed your wallpaper by now."

"I did."

She scoffs and raises her palm in expectation.

Pedro turns away from his annoying sibling. He regrets loving her so much. If he didn't, maybe he'd have bolted and left her all by herself.

"Gimme it. Now," his sister snarls.

He rubs his moustache. She punches his arm.

He releases a breath. He gives her his phone even with the knowledge it will be extremely bad for him.

She opens it once its in her hands. She stops in her tracks when she sees the photo. Pedro manages two steps before he realizes this. He turns to his baby sister and she pouts.

She lowers the phone. Her brother really did change the wallpaper. It used to be a photo of you, now it's a photo of you and him. "Pedro..."

Pedro waits for her to say something more. She only frowns and repeats, "ay, Pedro."

He shrugs, " 's what it is."

She hands him back his phone. They keep walking.

[just-some-random-blogger]

I Wanna

Yakuza!Pedro Pascal x Reader + Baker!Oscar Isaac x Reader

Summary: You fell in love with the leather jacket wearing thug named Pedro, and even after finding out he was part of the yakuza, you married him against your family's will. What happens when your marriage comes crumbling down and his best friend, Oscar, comes picking up the pieces?

Word Count: 4k+

Warnings: Yakuza/Baker AU ok? ok, CRACK FIC, anime parody (ie, cringe cliche anime scene descriptions, romanized japanese~, etc.), fem!reader, Wife!Reader, infidelity/cheating, hurt/comfort, mentions/depictions of violence, fluff, angst, did i say crack fic?, typos etc.

A/N: I know its says pedro and oscar, but its not really them ? HAHHA just dont take this too seriously 💀. It started with this tiktok and me thinkin it was a damn telenovela. then the pic of pedro in this moodboard made @sloanexx say 'yakuza pedrosan' and i was like 😀😀BESTIE THATS AN IDEA then this other tiktok happened and then it sewed everything in place. Cross posted on my ao3 Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @amis-love-bugs @top1bbgloak @sunfairyy @djarinsstuff @mooniesyubi @pedropascalgirly @mmmmandoz @multifandom-fangirl4

▶ Play ♪ 'I Wanna' by The All American Rejects

The bell chimes as the door opened. I pull my head off my hand and pause the funny cat compilation video I was watching. I straightened up where I was leaned on the front counter, standing from my stool. I put on a fake smile and greet, "irasshaimase~ Welcome to the Starlight Cafe!"

I close my eyes as I grin. Gosh, I hate my job.

I hear the customer walk over to me. When I open my eyes, I let out a gasp when I see his face. The wind blows. Cherry blossoms drift with the breeze. His leather jacket glimmers. His shades glint as he pushes them down slowly. He flips his short hair. It barely moves.

I let out an audible gasp. My eyes glitter, "so pretty."

He knits his brows, "nani?~"

"What?"

"What?"

"What-" I clear my throat as I am snapped out of that maladaptive montage. I chuckle softly, "what would you like to order?"

The man looks at me through his lowered glasses and then with a swoosh, removes his glasses. I gasp again, clutching my chest. I whisper under my breath, "sugoi~"

"Mmm," he hums, crossing his arms, titling his head, "what would you recommend, cutie pie?"

My background turns pink. Heart shaped sparkles appear in my eyes. I gasp, he just called me cutie pie? He thinks I'm cute?!

"A- I-" I suck in a breath and carefully offer, "a lot of our customers order the triple chocolate frappe. It has a choco base, choco syrup, and chocolate bits."

"Mmm," he hums again, "I didn't ask what the other customers order," he leans in toward me, our faces inches apart, "I asked for your recommendation."

The whole world turns black. My heartbeat is magnified. I feel my entire body burn, "I-"

The man leans on the counter, placing the shades in his hand on his head. He raises a brow, "well?"

I suck in a breath and mutter, "s-strawberry."

"Hmm? What was that, cutie pie?" A smirks plays on his lips.

"I like iced strawberry lattes," I retort.

He pulls back and leans on one leg. He chuckles, "kawaii~" then nods, raising two fingers, "2 iced strawberry lattes then."

I nod gingerly, punch in his order, "could I just get your name for the order?"

His name rolls off his tongue smoothly, "Pedro."

Ah... Pedro-san~

I tell him his total and take his payment. I hand him his recipt. The world moves in slow motion as he takes it from me. He says a quick thanks and walks off. His boots click across the empty cafe. He sits down on sofa chair next to the window and props his elbows on the back rest, crossing his legs as he looks out. Pink blossoms fall from the sakura tree outside. He smiles at the sight of it, "I've missed Tokyo."

I cannot stop looking at him as I make his order. With every step, every mix, every pour, every shake, I steal a glace of Pedro. I couldn't help myself. That was, until I saw him looking back at me.

I drop the jigger onto the counter with a loud thud. I freeze and look away from him. Shit.

Pedro's lips curve into a soft smile. He whispers under his breath, "baka~"

Stupid.

From then on, I focus only on finishing his order.

When I do, I place the two cups on the counter and call out, "2 iced strawberry lattes for Pedro."

Pedro turns to me. He stands from his spot and walks over. He smiles and takes the one latte, examining the perfectly placed strawberry slice on the cream, then pokes a straw through the plastic cover. He brings the straw to his lips and takes a sip. I watch him with anticipation, clenching my fists tightly.

He pulls the cup away and licks his lips.

I gulp heavily.

Pedro smirks, "refreshing."

I let out a soft sound of relief.

He then takes another straw then pokes it into the other cup. He pushes the cup across the counter, towards me, and mutters, "enjoy the treat, cutie pie."

My jaw drops as I look down at the counter. He- he... bought this for me?

Pedro takes another sip of his drink with a playful look on his face, "see you soon, strawberry."

With that, he turns around and walks away. I gasp when I see the print on his jacket. He was... a gangter? Yakuza?

I watched him as he stepped out of the cafe and crossed the street. My eyes widen when he looked over his shoulder and winked at me.

"That guy is nothing but trouble," I mutter to myself.

Little did I know that I would go on to understand how much trouble he really was, because one day, I would become his wife.

I remember the day he asked me, the day he promised it all to me.

I had since stopped working at the cafe and got an office job at a high paying firm. He had gotten into a fight with my overbearing co-worker who incesantly kept walking with me on my way home from work.

Pedro told me he wouldn't be able to pick me up that day even after I begged over and over to, because I didn't want ot be alone with my slimy co-worker. Little did I know that he planned it all. He knew my co-worker would persist and I wouldn't be able to get him to back off.

When we were a few blocks away from our office, walking the down the street I dreaded walking because it was dark, he came out of nowhere. Pedro popped up in front of us, scaring both me and my co-worker. The next thing that I knew, Pedro had the man by the collar and slammed him against the wall.

I was too shocked to react and I couldn't hear a word he was saying because Pedro whispered to him.

Once he released him, the man went running the other way. When Pedro turned to me, I gasped at the state of him. He had a busted lip, blood on his brow, a black eye, and the jacket he wore all the time was torn on the sleeve.

He whispers my name, eyes unable to meet mine.

I look at him as the orange streetlight gave me a vague view of his face, "wha-"

"I'm not a good man, in fact, I'm a horrible man," he mutters.

"Pedro-"

"Matte~" he mutters, "wait... just let me say this."

His face darkens as he hangs his head low. He rumages through his back pocket and pulls out something, "I don't think I can ever change," he slowly takes my hand. My cold hands burn in his hot one, "but I know for a fact I can never live..."

I gasp as I look down at my hand.

"- if I don't have you," he says, slipping a ring on my finger. Even through the darkness, I could see that the silver ring was reddened with blood.

"I did it for you," he says, making my eyes dart back up to his face. Pedro continues, "I killed my boss for you."

A shiver runs down my spine.

"I'm the boss now."

"Pedro-"

"Nothing will ever stand in our way," he steps forward, taking both my hands in his, "I would give you anything you want, everything you need," he bends to look up at me, "I would place Tokyo in the palm of your hand."

"Pedro..." I speak warily, "I- I don't need Tokyo..."

Pedro's face falls. He lets out a shaky breath. He straightens up and looks at our joined hands. He feels his eyes water. He feels his grip loosen.

I grip his hands before he lets go, "I just need you."

Pedro looks up. He looks at me. He feels his world light up. He feels the surroundings glow. He tightens his hold on me then gets down on one knee, "marry me."

I suck in a breath and nod, "I-"

I do.

I marry him.

I marry him against all the wishes of my family, effectively isolating me from all my relatives. I quit my job due to proximity issues, but in truth, I didn't need one anymore. Pedro lives up to his words, he gives me anything I want, everything I need; he placed Tokyo in the palm of my hands and yet-

It all fades.

Where once I beamed at his arrival, I now broke down in dread as I watched him crawl back to me.

I'm not in the mood for your lectures. I told you not to wait up. Strawberry, I had to take this job. Stop it. You wouldn't understand. I do this for you. I do this for you.

I DO THIS FOR YOU!

"I didn't ask you to do this for me," I sob against my knees as I pull my legs into me.

It was horrible. Pedro was working more than there were hours in the day. There was barely anything left of him when he came back. There was barely anything left of us.

"Oi, oi, oi~" a soft voice attempts to calm me.

I lift my puffy eyes as I look at the grey world before me. I watch as the curly haired man places a tray on the table and kneels down next to my chair, "what has you crying this time, puddle girl?"

Puddle girl. He called me this because I jumped in a puddle and splashed him the day we met.

He places a hand on my shoulder and shakes his head, "you don't have to worry about anything."

My voice breaks at his words. I sob, "Oscar-"

"Listen to me," he says, getting back on his feet, though he stays hunched to meet me at eye level, "Pedro is a dummy. He doesn't listen to me, he doesn't listen to you, but-" he raises a finger, "he listens to himself."

I sniffle at his words. I watch him as he straightens up.

"Show him what he's missing. Show him what he does this for, what he really does this for," Oscar says, placing his hands in his pockets, "did I ever tell you I made him buy me a bi-"

"Bike when you were still in school by convincing him it was him that broke yours," I continue his story for him through a stuffy voice.

Oscar chuckles. He presses the back of his hand on his lips as he does so, "ahhh," he sighs, "have I said it that much? Gomen~"

The sound of his voice makes the greyscale world seem brighter--happier. He chuckles again, running his hands through his hair. Sunshine cascades over his body, highlighting the curve of his toned chest through his dress shirt with three undone buttons. There is a sparkle that lingers on his bicep as he does this.

"Don't be too sad," Oscar says, pulling out a hanky from his pocket for me. He offers it with a smile and cocks his head to the side, "I made you a croissant and hot chocolate to cheer you up."

When I take his hanky and turn to the tray, I see the magic of his cooking waft in the hair. The smell of the food goes straight to my lungs and I realize in this moment just how hungry I was.

I shift in my spot, wiping my tears, reaching out for the pastry in front of me.

The bell chimes as the door is opened.

"Moshi moshi~" Oscar smiles, greeting the customers who walked into his bakeshop. I watch him as he attends to the old couple, leaning down to meet them eye level. My heart clenches when the old woman pinches his cheek.

The world suddenly has a golden haze.

I take Oscar's words to heart and put his plan into action.

I made it a point to do all the things I loved doing with Pedro and told him all about it. I made plans with him: I reserved dinner dates in our favorite places, bought tickets for movies we'd both like, wore the clothes I knew he liked me in, kissed him in spots that made him weak. I did it all, knowing he couldn't dare resist.

And yet he did.

At first, he would say he would try to make it to the date, then that he was too tired. Sometimes he'd cave and I'd have him right where I wanted him. Eventually, he began brushing me off.

He said he couldn't do those silly things right now.

"He said that?!" Oscar snapped, eyes wide in offence as I sob while recounting my latest encounter with his best friend. He fumes, "oh, I swear, I'm going to beat him up."

"Oscar, please."

"No, no-" he shakes his head rapidly, "I have to teach that rat a lesson."

"You're going to get yourself hurt."

"Well, you've been getting hurt," he counters.

I rub my eyes, no longer wanting to talk about this, as exhaustion begins to creep up on me.

The night air creeps up on me as a bunch of cars pass by the street of Oscar's closed bakeshop. For a moment, there was only the sound of tires on asphalt that filled the air.

"I've got it," Oscar mutters, "we'll make him jealous."

My face contorts in confusion and exhaustion, "nani?~"

"There's nothing that will make a man go crazy more than seeing his girl with someone else."

I huff and shake my head, "that's a horrible idea."

Oscar shakes his head too, grabbing my hand. I gasp when he does this. I look at him through my wet lashes. His brows furrowed. His eyes had stars in them. He mutters my name softly. A wind brushes through his hair as he did so, "trust me. I'm going to help you get your love back."

I look at him as he smiles.

"And anyway, it's just pretend," he reassures.

It really was.

Just pretend...

... at least at first.

Pedro grumbled as I giggled at the ice cream I smeared on his nose. He gives me a stink eye as I take a tissue and wipe the pink cream off him.

"It was an accident, darling," I say sweetly.

Pedro snorts and leans his forhead against mine, "of course it is," he pulls back as I giggle. A smirk plays on his lips as he licks his ice cream, "who would dare disrespect the big boss?"

I roll my eyes at his words. I nearly chew him up for it, but then I catch sight of Oscar and my attention is averted.

"Oscar-san!~" I call out.

Oscar raises a hand as he walks over to us.

"Pedro," Oscar says, patting him on the shoulder.

Pedro chuckles, nodding to him in regard, "Oscar."

Oscar looks between us, "any ice cream for me?"

"Sorry, we just got two," I retort.

Oscar pouts.

Pedro bites on his cone, "get your own."

Oscar turns to him, then back to me, "we should get one later."

I nod and smile, "okay."

Pedro furrows his brows, "later?" He tilts his head, "what's happening later?"

I mimic his expression, "don't you remember, Pedro? I told you I bought tickets for Barbie, but you said you couldn't watch it with me, so I invited Oscar to watch with me instead."

Pedro tenses. Oscar and I look at him as he slowly nods. "Ahh," Pedro says, "that's smart," he licks his ice cream, "better than not having anyone use the ticket."

Needless to say, I was quite dejected on our way to watch Barbie, as our plan didn't work at all.

"Don't worry about it, puddle girl," Oscar nudges me lightly with his elbow, "it's going to work."

"Work how?!" I blurt, "he thought it was a good idea!"

Oscar leans in and smiles, "in time."

"Pedro!" I call to him weeks later after that day, "do you like my outfit?"

Pedro, who was knee-deep in paper work, darts his eyes up and gazes at me through his glasses, barely shifting on his office chair. He looks me once over and nods, "yes, very pretty dear," he looks back to his desk, "are you going somewhere?"

"Hai~" I nod, stepping out of his office, "Oscar is going to pick me up in a few minutes."

Pedro pulls his head back and does a double take upon hearing this. He removes his glasses, "wait," he shakes his head, "Oscar?"

I nod again as I open the door, "hai~ He's taking me out dancing with my high school friends."

Pedro's brows furrows, "that's tonight? You said that was going to be next week."

"Pedro," I shake my head, "I told you that one week ago."

"But I-"

"Don't worry," I raise a hand, "Oscar agreed to come. I asked him this morning."

"This morning?" Pedro muttered, "that's such short notice."

I chuckle, "yeah. He needs to get a girlfriend." I step out of his office.

"Yamete!~"

I stop and turn back, finding Pedro was walking over to me. He places his hands on my shoulder and looks me up and down. "Beautiful," he whispers, placing a kiss on my lips. I am shocked my his affection, and my eyes widen as I gasp. When he pulls away, he brushes my cheek, "I love you."

I look at him, heart soaring at his words, "I love you."

A crack of thunder comes after a bolt of lighting rips through the dark grey clouds.

"I love you," Oscar says, body dripping in rain water.

I shake my head, eyes mimicking the sky, refusing to let him in. I close the small gap in the front door. He risks his fingers and toes by jamming them in to keep me from shutting him out.

"Onegaishimasu~" his voice breaks, "please don't make me go."

"Oscar," I whimper, eyes falling to the floor, unable to meet his gaze. I watch as water drips from his fingers, "everything about this is wrong."

"I know it is," he says and thunder cracks again, "I know it is."

I feel my cheeks burn because of my tears, "then leave. You know it's the right thing to do."

"But I don't want to leave-"

I sigh, "Oscar-"

"-and I know you don't either."

I don't respond to him.

There's another roll of thunder.

My skin pricks with goosebumps when he says my name the way he did, the way Pedro used to, the way Oscar always does.

"I love you," Oscar cries under his breath, "I love you so much that it hurts me to. It hurts because I love Pedro-" he growls, "-and hate him at the same time."

I finally look up to him, seeing just how distraught he was.

"I hate how he's done this to you," Oscar mutters, "I hate how he's pushed you aside and hurt you so much."

My tears travel down my neck.

"I hate how he has you but takes you for granted," he grits his teeth, "I hate that he has you. I hate that you met him first. I hate that you loved him first. I hate that I want you so bad. I hate-- I hate that things are the way they are."

And I know.

"You've made me into a puddle boy, puddle girl."

I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help myself. I opened the door for him, slowly letting it creak.

Oscar drops to his knees in front of me. He embraces my legs and mutters, "tell me to go away-"

I brush his dripping hair back.

"Tell me to leave you alone and get help for doing this to you."

"Oscar..."

He looks up at me, eyes red and tried.

I know.

I really do. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help myself. I leaned down and kissed him.

That was it.

That was the end.

That was the day I chose to leave Pedro for Oscar.

I really did mean to. I meant to tell it to his face, to own up to the treachery, to confess my sins-- our sins, mine and Oscar's, his lover and his friend, two people that should never betray you. We meant to tell it to him upfront, but he made it impossible.

Between him not having time to see either of us, he didn't have the energy to even listen to anything other than his work.

So I left it all on his desk, a thank you, a sorry, an explanation, an I love you, and divorce papers.

The truth was, it took him 5 days to realize it was there, 5 days to realize it had already ended, 5 days to realize he'd been alone all this time.

Pedro dropped the handwritten letter on the floor and ran out of this office, screaming out a name no one would answer to. He bust through every door, every room in the hollow mansion, opened every light in every hall, and only then did it dawn on him that was it.

That was the end.

That was the day he crumpled the evidence of his greatest betrayal and grabbed his gun.

He was not in his right mind. He didn't think of taking his car, he didn't think about breathing, all he thought about was how dare they? How dare they do this to him? How dare they cast him aside? How dare they throw him away?

The world was blurry. The world was pixelated. He could not see the faces of anyone around him. They had no faces. They looked like painted background figures. They looked like melting wax.

Pedro's eyes were wide and his pupils were shrinked. His breathing was jagged and the gun stuffed in the back of his pants felt cold against his burning skin.

The world was like a coloring book vandalized by a child who could not keep the color in the lines. He slammed into faceless painted figures and melting wax, speaking no apology. He paid no attention to the noise of the outside word, none to the deafening honks of cars nor to the rattling of people.

He's at a thousand, he's sweating in this sweltering afternoon, then suddenly he's at a zero, the world goes silent.

He can only hear his breathing as he looked through the window of his friend's bakeshop. He can only hear himself demand answers in his mind as he watched his lover smile in a way that should have only ever been meant for him.

He watches as laughter comes. He watches as smiles are exchanged. He hyperventilates as lips meet lips. He pulls out his gun as he swears he hears an I love you whispered.

Oscar and I whip our heads when a piercing shriek rings from outside the bakeshop. The girl who screamed ran away, making everyone around her panic and run too.

I stand from my seat by the window, spotting the man across the street. A shiver runs down my spine.

Oscar, who was right behind me, tells me to stay put as he exits the shop. I don't. I follow after him.

"Pedro," Oscar calls and raises a wary hand.

Pedro clenches the handle of his firearm and turns off the safety, "shut up."

"Pedro," I whimper, coming to Oscar's side.

He points the gun to me and grits his teeth, "SHUT UP!"

On instinct, Oscar grabs my arm and pulls me behind him. In turn, Pedro steps onto the road and shakes his head, "DON'T YOU TOUCH HER!"

And as much as I was terrified, still, I circled around Oscar and raised my hands, "Pedro, please-"

Pedro's tears begin to burn down his cheek, "how could you do this to me?! ... with my only friend."

"I know," I shudder as I step forward, "it's all my fault. I-"

"It wasn't her fault-" Oscar yanks be back, walking in front of me, "it was my idea to do this-"

"Oscar," I call.

"-I convinced her to do things with me to make you jealous. It's all-"

"I decided to do those things!" I pull Oscar by the arm, turning to Pedro, "I cried to him about you everyday. He had no choice but to help."

Pedro's brows furrow tightly at the sound of Oscar calling out my name. Oscar and I continue to argue out our guilt.

The only reason we don't get into a fight is because gunshots crack through the air. Oscar and I hunch and huddle together.

Pedro marches forward as he shoots. He empties his magazine.

The next thing I know he's standing in front of us. My heart is racing. My hands are squished in Oscar's. Pedro is still firing his gun even though there were no more bullets left. I watch as the man I loved pulled the trigger on a gun pointed to the sky.

He drops his arm first, then his weapon, then is on his knees.

The man I love called out to his friend, "Pedro-"

"How could you do this to me?" Pedro mutters, eyes gazing upon our feet. He feels his throat constrict as tears drop onto the road, "I love you," he shakes his head, "I would do anything for you," he looks up. His eyes are red and puffy, "how could you do this to me?"

Neither I nor Oscar get to respond as sirens blare and a squad of police come running toward us. We are all ordered to put our hands up. Oscar and I do so and are apprehended. They begin to grow hostile towards Pedro when he does not move an inch from where he knelt.

I watch as three officers apprehend him with way more force than neccessary. They drag him up to his feet so hard his shirt rips. He wasn't even fighting back.

"OI!~ He didn't hurt anyone!" I call to the police around him.

Oscar speaks out, "we're not pressing charges. He didn't do anything."

"Didn't do anything? That man has hurt more people than you can count," the policewoman who had her hand on my shoulder says with contempt.

The policeman by Oscar's side scoffs, "that's the most wanted criminal in Tokyo," he spits to his side, "good fucking riddance."

Pedro is cuffed and sequentially jammed into the back of a police car.

"If you two follow us," the policewoman says, motioning to another police car, "we'd like to take you to the station for questioning."

[not-a-unique-snowflake-blog]

HILARIOUS😭😭😭

Standing ovation to you, Puddles!!👏👏👏

𝕂𝕚𝕟𝕜𝕥𝕠𝕓𝕖𝕣 🎃💦 ∘₊✧ 𝔻𝕒𝕪 𝟜 ✧₊∘

@absurdthirst's Kinktober 2023 Prompts

Day 4: Overstimulation, Oviposition/Egglaying, Human Urinal

𝐄𝐠𝐠-𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐀𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐲 ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ Jɪᴢᴢ Fɪɴɢᴇʀs ᴜɴɪᴠᴇʀsᴇ

| PAIRING(s): splorgimum!Mr. Ben x reader | RATING: explicit material | 18+ | WORD COUNT: 1.3k | CONTENT: crackfic, academic foreplay, eggs, erotic filming | SYNOPSIS: Mr. Ben is down bad for you. Deadass.

“I know you said our sex organs are compatible but our hormones and liquids aren’t, but can’t we try something new? Something fun and, like, ovum adjacent?” you pout.

“I guess I could  figure something out if that’s what you really want,” splorgimum Mr. Ben agrees. “I love that adjective usage, baby. Have you been reading that Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary I got you?”

He licks his lips as he palms himself. It was kinda a weird kink of his, but it made sense for a teacher, you suppose. You just hope this wasn’t going to veer into Geometric Proofs again unless he was going to tessellate that cock into your pussy.

“Yeah, I bookmarked it at defenestration,” you purr with a sultry emphasis on the window ejection term.

He shuts his eyes and groans as he grabs at himself through his dark gray dress slacks. “God, you know what vocabulary does to me. Say something else.”

“Nomenclature,” you hum seductively.

Mr. Ben grunts. “Fuck, say something else. More.”

You walk your knees across the bed to him and lean into his ear.

“Antidisestablishmentarianism,” you say in a tantalizing hush.

Mr. Ben’s hips jerk as he grunts at your foreplay.

“You wanna hear me talk about the Dewey Decimal System?” you coo as you run a hand up his chest.

He looks up to the ceiling as if he’s trying to hold it together and is barely hanging on by a thread. “If you start talking about proprietary library classification systems, I’m not gonna last,” he breathes out heavily.

“Then let’s stop talking, and let’s start fucking,” you suggest with a lewd tug at his raging hardon.

“Yeah,” he agrees, running a thumb over his bottom lip. “Lay back for me, baby.”

You settle onto the soft bed and let him use his spaceboi powers to make your clothes disappear. He breathes excitedly as he pulls out his phone and centers it between your legs. You squirm under the gaze of his camera lens. 

“Lemme just make this Fan Cam of your pussy really quick, baby,” he coos. He taps something on his phone and a bright light illuminates your glistening cunt. “Incredible,” he breathes.

You tug impatiently at his navy blue sports ball themed tie. “Ben, please,” you beg.

“Okay, okay,” he says with a sigh. “Gimme just a sec. Gotta…make sure this… zoom and transition…  is seamless…..” he trails off as he concentrates on his work.

“Don’t you have enough Fan Cams of my pussy, Ben? There’s thousands by this point,” you pout.

He makes a noise like he’s paying attention, but he’s clicking around on his phone again. You hear a slowed down reverb version of Britney Spears’s Toxic playing low in the background. “That’s a good one,” he says to himself.

“BEN,” you call his attention back.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he murmurs with an apologetic grin. He sets his phone aside. “I just hafta make them. You’re my beloved, and your pussy has me in a chokehold.”

You moan at the praise.

“You’re in your Coochie Meow Meow era, and it’s nom nom delish,” he whispers into the shell of your ear as he braces himself above your body.

You grab for his cognac colored leather belt and work it open with deft fingers. He helps to free his massive cock from the confines of his Calvin Klein boxer briefs. 

“Put it in me, please!” you whine.

He shoves himself into you all in one go. You cry out in pleasure. 

“Oh fuck yeah,” he groans as he thrusts sloppily into you.

Your eyes roll to the back of your head as he stretches you.

“Say something dirty to me, baby,” he urges as he snaps his hips harder.

“The Oxford Comma isn’t mandatory. It’s grammatically optional,” you rasp.

“Ohhh FUCK. Keep going,” he begs.

“The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell,” you moan.

“OH GOD, I’M GONNA OVIPOSIT IN YOU, BABY.”

“You’re so Daddy! Periodt!” you wail.

“Hhhngggffff- fuck! I’m Daddy, and you’re Mommy,” he cries out. 

You feel a large oblong spherical shape stretch your walls as you both climax. “Ohmygod, Ben! It’s so big!!!”

He grunts as he empties himself into you, smearing his creampie fingers onto the bedsheets on either side of your head.

“Yeah, baby. I’m giving it to ya real big. It’s that C = 2 π r you love.”

He pulls out of you with a gasp. Your pubic mound looks like it swallowed a giant avocado. “What is that?” you ask breathlessly. You feel so full.

“It’s an egg, just like you wanted,” he hums, rubbing his palm against the shape of it where it bulges out from your lower belly. This should really do it for those belly bulge kink sluts you think to yourself.

 “Push it out, baby. Let’s see it,” he spurs you on.

You start bearing down as hard as you can. “Why does it feel all plastic-y?”

“Please do not be alarmed,” the splorgimum voice reassures you telepathically. “It is not derived from such materials. There is no risk of microplastics in your sexual organs.”

“Oh okay, good,” you breathe a sigh of relief. You push as hard as you can. You feel like the Bettie Page of Easter Bunnies. You push and push until the rounded shape moves from where Mr. Ben placed it.

“That’s it. That’s my little Omelette Princess,” he praises.

You break a sweat working it out of you, but finally it emerges. It shoots out of you like a tshirt cannon at a baseball game. Mr. Ben uses his sensual splorgimum spaceboi powers to make it levitate in the middle of the air. It slowly spins, and you can just make out the words underneath the splotches of your slick dripping all over it.

“Is-Is that what I think it is?” you breathe.

Mr. Ben nods and grins triumphantly.

“A Ryan’s World Giant Mystery Egg Series 12?!” you gasp. Tears brim in your eyes. It’s so beautiful floating in the air. You can barely contain your excitement at the thought of holding it. “But that series isn’t even out yet!”

“Only the best for my girl,” Mr. Ben coos.

“Can we–?”

“Of course,” he affirms with a warm smile. He lets it float down into his hands. You begin hastily unwrapping it together. Something is different about this one.

“A Ticonderoga #2 pencil?” You’re bewildered. Where was the slime packet? The minifigure? The collectable stickers?

You dig in further. Mr. Ben pulls out an SAT Prep book. He groans lustfully. “Gonna set that aside for later,” he says as he gives you a lecherous wink.

All in all it wasn’t a bad haul. Just strange. You smack the yellow ruler design slap bracelet onto your wrist and watch it instantly wrap around it. “Cool.”

“I guess I, uh, kinda came up with my own Mystery Egg surprises for this one,” he admits sheepishly. “I hope you don’t mind.”

You hold up the Lunch Lady Paulina minifigure and turn it fondly in your hands. “It’s perfect. You’re perfect,” you say in a reverent, hushed breath.

“No, you’re perfect. I know I’m your bias and that I always munch on it, but I just don’t get it. Why did you choose me?” he asks in a shaky voice.

“We chose each other,” you whisper as you draw him in close.

“You eat it up,” you moan. “No crumbs left.”

“Oh fuck, let’s make a Fan Cam together,” he moans into your mouth as he captures it in a passionate kiss.

“Anything for you, Skinny Legend,” you rasp.

Mr. Ben clicks a few times on his phone before you hear Sza’s voice low from the speakers. You spread yourself open for him and let yourself sink into the comforting and arousing dulcet sounds of

ᵢₜ’ₛ cᵤffᵢₙg ₛₑₐₛₒₙ

ₐₙd ₐₗₗ ₜₕₑ gᵢᵣₗₛ bₑ ₙₑₑdᵢₙg

ₐ bᵢg bₒy

ᵢ ₙₑₑd ₐ bᵢg bₒy

ᵢ wₐₙₜ ₐ bᵢg bₒy

Gᵢᵥₑ ₘₑ ₐ bᵢg bₒy

tagging everybody that wanted to be tagged in the first one plus a couple of extras

@wannab-urs @gracieispunk @milla-frenchy @patti7dc @lumoverheaven @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @xdaddysprincessxx @toxicanonymity @rubyfruitjungle @huffle-punk @jupiter-soups @swiftispunk @bonezone44 @psychedelic-ink@theywhowriteandknowthings @multiversed-daydreamer @beefrobeefcal @clawdee @criticalarchitecture @katiexpunk @covetyou @sugadolly @koshkaj-blog @obscurexsorrows @elegantduckturtle @kdogreads @pedrit0-pascalit0 @admiralackbarssugarbaby @party-hearses

[falcqns]

i’ve never laughed and smiled so much at a fic like i have this one. omg. i loved this. @natashasera u need to read this

(Not At All) Secretly Into You

Pedro Pascal x Reader

Summary: Pedro thinks the best way to be slick about his crush on you is to be 100% unabashed about it. Ha ha! No one will expect that he has feelings for you if he's outright about it!

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: gender neutral reader, Actor/Actress!reader, the use of y/n T_T, dummy!pedro, fluff, crackfic, typos, etc.

A/N: i cant help myself. i just head empty only pedro look at this gif people. take a good long look at him. what is it about him that has us in such a chokehold? i think this is the tipping point of humanity. what is it about him that has us like this? 😩 HES SO STUPID AND DUMMY HELLO?! he needs to be stopped. he needs to be jailed. or better yet SOMEONE MARRY HIM SO THAT WE INHERETLY GO OH SHIT ITS OVER SOMEONE WON T_T thank you for reading my little rant Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @sloanexx @amis-love-bugs @top1bbgloak

Let me set the scene for you It's a cold, rainy day. There's a person all alone in their bedroom. They're bored AF. They look up, 'movies to watch 2023', and finds a film they're interested in. It's staring Pedro Pascal & [Y/N]. It's good. So good. Too good. It becomes their personality. They begin to hyperfixate. They look for other related content. Behind the scenes. Interviews. Interviews. They fall in love with the dynamic of the main characters IRL. They hyperfixate on them. They're not the only one in this boat. They search for other content. They stumble across a fan edits. Fan edits. Their mouth waters at it. They watch it.

Here's how one of them starts:

Hello.

After watching the movie of Pedro Pascal and [Y/N] and going absolutely feral (GO WATCH IT WIMPS) I have taken it upon myself to do a thorough investigation of their relationship (because I am CERTAIN they smashed and BY THE POWER OF ANIME I'm going to make it certain YOU think it's certainly so) so-

Without Further Ado, I present:

They Smashed, And Here's The Evidence.

You and Pedro are doing an interview answering questions while eating snacks from your respective hometowns. This is a snippet from that interview.

Cut scene, the question, which is read by a staff member off camera, is 'what is your favorite thing about the other?'

"You know, what my favorite thing about you is?" Pedro asks, albeit somehow rhetorically, as he chews on something. He was looking at you when he asked this. He watches with crossed arms as you struggle to open the snack packet.

His eyes dart to the small, plastic wrapped cookies as you sigh in defeat and hand it to him. He grins to himself, dramatically rolling his neck before he takes it from you and begins to open make his attempt to open it. Because of your lack of response, he asks as he rips at the package, "do you want to know what my favorite thing about you is?"

"Not really, no," you say, crossing your arms, knitting your brows, shaking your head.

Pedro makes a face looking out to no one in particular. He turns to you, just as he opens the wrapper, "meanie."

You beam, claiming the treat he hands it to you, "thank you."

He watches as you carefully get a cookie for yourself. Pedro looks at the camera, "as of this moment, I rescind any positive feelings I may have ever felt for-GRFF-"

You shove a cookie in his mouth as you excitedly moan and speak half-muffled with a full mouth, "it's still good!"

Pedro chews on the cookie.

"I used to love these when I was like," you raise your hands, "this big."

It takes a few moments for you to merit a response.

"You're literally still that big, what do you mean?" Pedro says.

You give him a second's glance as you clear your mouth, "talk to me like that after you retire your heels to join the 6 feet and above club."

Pedro shakes his head and rolls his eyes, "You're not even getting anywhere near the entr-"

You shove another cookie in his mouth, effectively cutting him off.

"My favorite thing about Pedro is when his mouth is shut."

Pedro's chews viscously, rolling his eyes all over again. He looks into the camera with a wholly exaggerated look. He then scoffs loudly, throwing his head back, crossing his arms all over again, mouth half-full, "you better pray you can keep your mouth shut later tonight."

Cut the cameras.

Did yall hear that?

WELL LET ME MAKE SURE YOU DID

"You better pray you can keep your mouth shut later tonight."

Later Tonight

Later Tonight.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING LATER TONIGHT AND CAN I PLEASE PARTICIPATE?

Now, ok, if you're some weird puritan that got mixed up in this mumbojumbo for lolz and you're thinking, 'oh maybe they're going to play Uno. Uno is pretty intense.'

you're wrong

get the fuck outta here /:

Now.

I raise you some out of context clips that give off domestic energy.

Clip #1: In the subway

Quite literally, it's a video post on your Instagram of you and Pedro riding a slightly packed metro in New York. You're holding your phone closely to you. It's showing both yours and Pedro's double chin. The only reason why you're recording is because he's singing a children's song from Barney, 'And The Green Grass Grows All Around' under his breath. You ardently hold back your laughter as he begins to do the gestures.

>>>COMMENT SCREENSHOT: @pascalispunk: it's a bop, fam. 😔 why'd you have to play me like this @yn_000 replied: literally no one said it wasnt a bop my love @pascalispunk replied: i love it when you call me your love 💗

IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING SALAD.

THE SHEER AUDACITY OF THESE LOVE-DOVEY SEWER RATS. I DEMAND SATISFACTION.

Clip #2: The Breakfast Person

"I'm not really a breakfast person," you casually admit, mid-interview.

Pedro audibly gasps, "you're not a br- Wait, no, suddenly that makes so much sense. You stuff your face so quickly during lunch."

You slap him on the chest, "hey!"

Pedro snorts, "it's okay, baby, I gotchu," he begins to cook on his imaginary pan, "bacon and eggs, pancakes, oatmeal, whatever, I gotchu."

"You make oatmeal in a pan?" you ask, furrowing your brows.

"Only for the people I love," he smiles and leans towards you. He begins to make a weird laughing noise that sounds part motorcycle, part massive idiot who's so damn annoying.

You take a seconds look at him before smacking him on the face.

Cinematic parallels.

Clip #3: Our Fridge

"There," Pedro holds up the portrait of you that he had been completing the entire interview.

You look up from your own paper and break into hysterics. You lean into your knees from where you sat, nearly toppling forward. Pedro chuckles as he reaches out to you to keep you from falling. You lean back in your seat and wheeze, "what IS that?"

"What do you mean," Pedro grins, "don't you recognize yourself?"

You make a face as you catch your breath. You point to the top area of his paper, "is that supposed to be an eye?"

Pedro looks at his creation, "no, that's... that's that-- but this is your eye."

"You mean to tell me you drew me one eye?"

"I took creative liberties."

You chuckle in disbelief, "this man just told me he thinks I look like Mike Wazowski."

"Mike Wazowski wishes he'd look half as good as you, mi amor."

You turn to the camera, "I don't know how I feel about that."

"Which part?"

"Every part!"

"Well," he rips the page off the sketchpad, "better put this on our fridge."

"We are not putting this on our fridge."

"Why not?" he whines.

"Well besides the fact it's ugly-"

"WOW," he trails off loudly, "just because it doesn't meet twisted societal beauty standards doesn't mean it's ugly."

You simply shake your head, "that is not going anywhere near our fridge."

YOU TELL EM PEDRO.

PEDRO SAID BOO YOUR PETTY SOCIETAL BEAUTY STANDARDS 😩😩😩

Also, they really said

OUR FRIDGE

And I think that's beautiful.

And now quite possibly, the most damning evidence of all.

THIS.

You and Pedro are sat next to each other on a sofa across an interviewer during one of those fan meet interview sort of segments. It's a fan cam, and from the angle in which this particular audience member is sat, its very much visible that Pedro, with his arm slung on the top of the back rest, was drawing circles onto your back. You do not outwardly react to his touch at all. [THIS RAT SO USED TO IT FFS]

You turn to Pedro and ask on through your mic, "what do you think?"

He says 'huh' off mic, then straightens up and brings his mic to his lips, only to give you a confused look.

"What do you think of that scene?" you repeat, brushing his brows with your thumb in affectionate annoyance. [BOO 👎 PDA BOO TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO 🍅🍅🍅🍅]

"Oh," he says, "that scene," he nods his head and widens his eyes at you, hoping you'd help him out.

The crowd laughs. [SIMPS smh]

You only mimic his wide eyes and offer a raised brow.

Pedro and you stare for a moment. Ultimately, he sighs and rubs your nape with his fingers, "fine-" the person recording says 'WTF' "-I have no idea what you're talking about."

There is a chorus of laughs.

"I'm still on the part where you said I was hot when I was covered in blood."

The crowd screams. You roll your eyes. Pedro laughs as he literally grabs your neck and pulls you into him, crushing you against him.

The crowd goes wild. The person who is recording is cursing.

Deep breath. FIRST OF ALL-

The person recording's a real MVP for managing to keep (relatively) calm while witnessing the gall of those two to do that in front of EVERYONE'S SALAD.

Second of all, aint no way, aint NO WAY you let someone like tHIS-

-with his itty bitty tiny waist and manhandle you like THAT in, and I can't stress this enough, FRONT OF EVERYONE'S SALADS, and not do anything further. It's science.

You're honor, the ruling, please.

100% Guilty of ✨Smashing✨

[just-some-random-blogger]

not as cute as you im afraid 😞

Come Get 'Im!

Pedro Pascal x Actress!Reader

Summary: "It's day 130, and this man with a mustache still can't get a fucking hint and keeps inviting himself to have lunch with me."

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: Fem!reader, crude language, crack fic, low key social media au format, annoying rat!pedro, mentions/depictions of online hate, use of y/n T_T, fluff, typos, etc.

A/N: HOY @sloanexx ito na. I hope this makes you spiral HAHAHAHAH Also tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace

Shaky cam and out of breath has entered the chat.

It's a tiktok video of you recording yourself while in the middle of a jog.

"I swear," you pant, as the audio captures wind, "to fucking Obama, Trump, and Biden, America-- AMERICA!" you bark, "if one of you thirsty ass idiots come for crying to me again for even breathing, BREATHING--" you scream and huff as you catch your breath. You jog a few paces forward. You look over your shoulder, back to your camera, "--around that that idiot you like so bad, I'm going to explode."

The camera pans to your nostrils and double chin, "if you want your pathetic middle aged man so bad, come and fucking get him!"

You harshly pull your phone back and show the man on a hoverboard trailing behind you. His brown hair is blowing with the wind. He raises a hand and waves. He grins at the camera, beaming as he says "HI TIKTOK!"

"COLLECT," you point the camera back to you, "THIS RAGGEDLY BAG OF BONES RIGHT NOW!"

"But I love you!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Welcome to: A day in the life of someone who is contractually obligated to be close to Pedro Pascal. Featuring you! The actress, who Pedro has been smitten with the entire time since filming and promoting your movie, and has thus since elicited the wrath of (some of) the Pascal girlies! Yay!

So, tell us, what is it like to be with the one and only Pedro Pascal! It is everything, all the fangirls dream of? Well, let's take a look at some footage!

It's a behind the scenes video. There is no audio available.

You and Pedro are standing far off from the camera on an elevated set, in front of a blue screen. Pedro jokingly leans in, pushing his hands to you but not making contact. He's been teasing that he'd push you. He repeats this multiple times before eventually, you get tired and tell him off. He laughs with an open mouth and his tongue out. You turn over you shoulder, motioning something vaguely to someone off cam.

When you turn back to Pedro, he pretends to push you again, but this time, it backfires. He yelps and slips, crashing into a foam of cushions beneath you. Instantly, you turn and point to him, laughing out loud exaggeratedly, pointing at him from above. You then jump down to his side and then tackle him, pretending as though you were on WWE. You end with coiling his arm behind him, sticking your tongue out to the camera.

Wow! How educational!

Here's you and him doing an interview!

"I really enjoy that the film is not scared to dive into that-" you start, gesturing your hands as you passionately pour your thoughts on the theme of the film.

Pedro, who had been listening to you intently, turns to you and randomly pokes your cheek.

You ignore this, used to his behavior, as you continue, "I think it's really important that we, as a society, openly talk about this dilemma and critically reassess it."

Pedro pokes your cheek again, only this time, you turn to him, and he faces front and acts as if he did not just do that.

You turn back to the interviewer. He makes another attempt at poking you face, only this time, you turn and bite at his finger. You very nearly manage to bite him.

He pulls his finger back and gasps, clutching both his hands to his chest, "ay, dios mio."

You snarl at him before going back as you were. You break into a chuckle when you hear him slipping into laughter. He says "that was actually scary."

"You deserve it."

Here's you and Pedro talking to a child that is a fan of both your separate work! (His being The Mandalorian, yours being A Mermaid Tale)

You coo as the little girl runs up to you and hugs your legs. You lower yourself, so to embrace the child in your arms. You coo she the small child wraps her arms around you. Pedro, from behind you, grins as he takes a photo of your interaction.

When she pulls away from you, you gasp at her pigtails, complementing them.

She smiles, "it's like- like your hair in the movie!"

You grin, "such a smart girl! It totally is, but honestly, yours is so much better!"

The girl smiles at you and you smile back at her. She then looks up to the man that was standing behind you, pointing at him before turning back to you, "he's - ss friends with baby yoda!" she breaks her words the way small children do.

Pedro, adoring the attention and the recognition from the child, jumps from behind you to dramatically exclaim and clutch his chest, "I'M FRIENDS WITH YODA!"

The girl looks up at the man, stepping back, then turning to her mom for guidance. Her mom, by the way, was recording the whole interaction. She breaks into a laugh at her daughter's nervousness, "it's ok baby."

You and Pedro follow suit in laughter, though you turn and swat at him, "you scared the poor child."

"I'm so sorry, my love," Pedro says, placing a hand on his chest, "I was just so excited about baby yoda!" he explains, ending with a goofy face.

The girl turns back to him, finally breaking into a smile.

"YES! I'm cool again!" Pedro says just as you stand and he bends down to raise his knuckles to the child for a fist bump.

She apprehensively bumps knuckles with him. Pedro gasps and coos, "right on!" He then raises his hands, "what about a hug?"

The girl bends her knees, gaining momentum, then she jumps into Pedro's arms, sealing him into a tight hug.

Everyone AWWS.

Everyone, that is, except... the haters.

Pull up the receipts.(For various reasons, some text has been censored or removed.)

@w0nderw0man: omF******g if i have to see that b**** ass [redacted] [y/n] f****** grope my pedro again im going to kill her and [redacted multiple texts...]

@ilovechesed: i have no idea who [y/n] thinks she is but it's so f****** pathetic of her to throw herself onto pedro pascal when he's clearly not even interested in him

[redacted]'s video: Hot take. You guys are only thirsting after [Y/N] because she's hot by association of Pedro Pascal

[Y/N] Receives Faces Wave Of Internet Trolls After Her New Film's Recent Debut

But internet trolls are promptly handled by people with actual brain cells.

@w0nderw0man: omF******g if i have to see that b**** ass [redacted] [y/n] f****** grope my pedro again im going to kill her and [redacted multiple texts...]

@pedropascstiddies replied to w0nderw0man: LMAO I REPORTED YOU WITH MY 10 ACCOUNTS HOPE YOU ENJOY GETTING YOUR ACCOUNT DELETED

@ilovechesed: i have no idea who [y/n] thinks she is but it's so f****** pathetic of her to throw herself onto pedro pascal when he's clearly not even interested in him

@loverofdilfs replied to ilovechesed: ? you mean this pedro pascal [image attached] [image description: A picture of Pedro Pascal looking at [Y/N] with a soft smile as while she answers a question during a red carpet premiere]

@ynbabymyluv replied to ilovechesed: you mean this pedro pascal? [image attached] [image description: A picture of Pedro Pascal grinning widely as he embraces [Y/N] mid pout]

@100ass replied to ynbabymyluv: nah here's the video of that and im salty too [video attached] [video description: Pedro Pascal asks for a bit of [Y/N]'s food but she releases it before he grabs on to the plate.]

[redacted]'s video: Hot take. You guys are only thirsting after [Y/N] because she's hot by association of Pedro Pascal

user842048525972 commented: ass take

i-think-imprettycool commented: 💀YALL MF DO ANYTHING FOR CLOUT

swiftandshore commented: Or you dont have taste

[Y/N] Receives Faces Wave Of Internet Trolls After Her New Film's Recent Debut

And fans are coming to her aid. 💅 As they should.

Of course we can't end this without showing some of the love people have extended for their new internet fixation.

In coming receipts.

[y/n] and pedro being NSFW for 10 minutes straight

>>Most played [6:43]: [video description: [Y/N] and Pedro Pascal's make out scene]

"If you go out without me - " he growls, grabbing her by the wrist, ripping her back into his chest. He then grabs her by her hair, forcing her face him. "You'll what? Huh?!" she hisses, craning her neck up as she grabs his shirt, pulling him down to her. She grunts, "what? You'll leave me in the fucking desert like what you did last time!" "WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU TO BELIEVE THAT WASN'T MY CHOICE!" "SHOW ME YOUR STATUS REPORT FILE!" He scoffs, "you and your fucking reports." "Show me your status report file," she words sternly. "You want a status report?!" he fumes. "YES! SHOW ME-" Her words are cut off when her mouth is covered with his. He releases her hair to clutch her cheeks and pushes her against the wall. She releases his shirt to dig her fingers into his sides. He moans. She laughs, "wimp."

89igotaletter commented: I LOVE IT WHEN [Y/N] AND PEDRO.

Andre Potato commented: MOMMY SORRY DADDY SORRY MOMMY SORRY DADDY SORRY

broalhasd commented: everyday i wake up and thank God that for this holy collab.

@830marbel: if it ever gets tiring being so hot @yn_real_ig, pls allow me to cool you with my tears

@yn_real_ig replied to 830marbel: i appreciate it but i still have 2 trays of pedro's tears. i put them in my juice 🧊🧊

@evrything284: i dont know if i want to be @yn_realig or pedro pascal in this [image attached] [image description: A picture of [Y/N] and Pedro Pascal together on the red carpet premiere for their film]

@yn_real_ig replied to evrything284: be true to you. be yourself. be our 3rd

@pedfroizaac: btw @yn_real_ig our boyfriend [image attached] [image description: Bugs Bunny communist meme]

@yn_real_ig replied to pedfroizaac: this is america [image attached] [image description: A bald eagle in front of the American flag]

Final thoughts from both players.

Here is fan favorite interview of you both.

You pull a piece of paper from a jar and read its contents, "what's your favorite thing about the other-- murder," you say, throwing the paper off to the side.

Pedro, who was sitting by your right makes a nervous sound, jaw dropping. He then promptly smirks and nods, "exactly."

You turn to the camera and nod, "murder."

"I'm into that."

"Murder."

"I am murder," Pedro agrees, raising his hands as he shrugs.

"Murder," you repeat one last time before turning to Pedro, "and his mustache."

"Oh," Pedro smiles, rubbing his 'stache as he leans back, "thank you. I grew it myself."

"I don't appreciate beard burn though," you wave your hands to your face.

"That's not what she said last night," Pedro takes his turn to look at the camera as he gives a stupid look.

You snap at him, "what did I say last night?"

Pedro ignores you and crosses his arms, "my favorite thing about you would be-"

"No wait, what did I say last night?"

Pedro looks at you.

"Tell them what I said last night."

Pedro purses his lips into a tight smile, "what?"

You challenge, "tell them what I told you last night."

His ears begin to burn. He shifts on his chair as his jaw slacks, "ha?"

"You want me to say what I told you last night?"

He begins to break a sweat, "I-I-" he laughs, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

You raise your brows at him.

Pedro clears his throat and rubs his lap, "I love how compassionate and kind she is."

You snort, leaning back in your chair, "okay."

To this day, people who stumble on that interview still comment: WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE TELL HIM LAST NIGHT?????

[just-some-random-blogger]

IM GLAD THEY GIVE YOU LIFE BECAUSE THEY KEEP ME SANE IN MY BOUTS OF INSANITY 🤩

I Win, You Lose

Pedro Pascal x Actress!Reader

Summary: In Loving Memory of Pedro Pascal, the best bachelor that ever graced the planet. He's not dead, he just got into a relationship and I'm in mourning.

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: Fem!reader, extremely delusional, socmed au, crack fic, use of y/n smh, fluff, im on my final straw, typos, etc.

A/N: listen pedro pascal is a happy pill for me and i just wanna be silly goofy so let me have this or else i will cry. Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @sloanexx @amis-love-bugs @top1bbgloak @sunfairyy @djarinsstuff @mooniesyubi @pedropascalgirly @mmmmandoz @multifandom-fangirl4

Flickering lights. Hollering paparazzi. Click, flash, shudder. Pedro smiles through it all then is redirected to a few interviewers.

The interviewer he is redirected to beams at the sight of him, adjusting his grip on his mic, "hi! How are you?"

Pedro smiles, "I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm great! I'm so excited to see what you have in store for us, as I'm sure everyone else is," he motions to the camera.

Pedro places a hand on his heart. He thanks him, "that means a lot. I'm excited for everyone to see as well."

"Are you nervous at all?"

Pedro blows a raspberry, "I feel like I'm about to pass out any second."

He laughs, "is that the same thing you felt when you were talking to Y/N Y/L/N?"

Pedro's eyes widen a fraction. He lets out a chuckle then stills for a second before playfully slapping the man's arm. He laughs so hard that he can't respond. His face grows a bit red.

The interviewer laughs with him.

Pedro regains his wits, "I won't lie to you, my brain disconnected when she fixed my tie."

"Oh yeah," he agrees, nonchalant, "she did that to me once-"

"SHE DID?!" Pedro gasps.

"-and my- Yeah, she did-"

"When?" Pedro furrows his brows and points a finger, "right now? Right now?! You're not even wearing a tie!"

"No! No! Last time!"

"Well," he purses his lips and raises his brows, "hate to break it to ya, but she fixed my tie, like, 5 seconds ago." He rolls his eyes.

The interviewer raises his hands, "you're right. You win."

"Yes, that's correct."

Y/N Y/L/N poses with Pedro Pascal and stuns in blue dress

pascaldailyupdates: Okay but y/n and pedro 👀👀👀👀

anakinskyrunnin: 🧍‍♀️ this wasn't on my bucket list

ynforgetsramen: WHY ARE THEY POSING LIKE THAT

→ oscarpascal replied: THE WAY HE LOOKIN HER HAS ME ILL

→ → ynishotok replied: ??? CONFIRMING A RELATIONSHIP SOON

grogumybeloved: BRO BRO BRO WHAT @.dilfpascal have you SEEN THIS

→ dilfpascal replied: ❌👄❌ wdm

ynweekly: SO YOURE TELLING ME MY PREDICTIONS WERE ALL WRONG?

→ oscarpascal replied: LITERALLY ME THIS IS SUCH A PLOT TWIST

hollywoodscoop: Y/N Y/L/N & Pedro Pascal spotted with friends in New Yourk.

→ smexywolf replied: THAT COULD LITERALLY BE AND MY GRAMMA THATS SO PIXELATED

→ starwitch replied: YO WAHT

→ javijavipedro replied: GUYS DW I WENT TO NEW YORK AND DIDNT SEE THIS 😌 it cant be real

→ ynftw replied: [VIOLENT SCREAMING] I THOUGHT SHE WAS DATING ANDREW GARFIELD MY SHIP WHAT ABOUT MY SHIP

→ → ynishotok replied: 😭😭😭 PLEASE SAME THOUGHTS

→ goetye replied: I HAVE EXAMS WHAT IS THIS

→ javimypapi replied: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH FUCKING Y/N DAFAQ

→ → 1234choco replied: gg fr fr

Pedro Pascal & Y/N Y/L/N Confirm Relationship

Pascal has confirmed to Volume Magazine that he and actress Y/N Y/L/N have been in a "loving relationship" for a few months now.

pefropuppet: 🤪 loving 🤪 realtionship 🤪

→ javimypapi replied: 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 time to delete myself

It's Official! Pedro Pascal & Y/N Y/L/N are dating

And they're the cutest couple on this side of the planet.

wuit39pi: so glad i live on the otherside of the planet. that means this isn't real

c00lwhip: Y/N and I are still dating on the other side.

→ crayonpascal replied: me with pedro

ICYMI: Y/N Y/L/N dating Pedro Pascal

But I'm willing to bet you Pedro girlies did not miss a second of it.

djarinoppa: please this article is being so LOUD 😭

Radio 100 - Y/N Y/LN talks Pedro Pascal

"Let's talk about it," the young interviewer says, pursing her lips, pinching the air with her manicured nails.

I let out a breathy chuckle and nod, "let's."

"Pedro Pascal."

"Pedro Pascal," I repeat with a smile, continuing to nod.

"I want to know everything," she says, adjusting her headphones and her mic, "we at Radio 100, along with the rest of the world, want to know--" she turns to me, "--how did you bag the baddie?"

I break into laughter.

The host stresses, "the baddie."

"THE baddie," I repeat, "the baddie of our generation, Pedro Pascal," I chuckle and suck in a breath.

The interviewer chuckles with me and motions, "because goodness knows we're all going to be taking notes."

I sigh and think for a moment. I link my hands together and prop them on the table in front of me, "ya know, I was just real with him."

She nods, eager to know what else I had to say.

"I told him," I shrug, "I could bring him in hot or I could bring him in cold."

She breaks into a fit of laughs before I even finish the sentence. I laugh along with her, pleased with the reaction I garnered. She wheezes, "no but did you really?"

"Absolutely not," I snort, "that would have been great though, wouldn't? I'm pretty sure if I did do that, he would have cried."

We both cackle.

"Like," I chuckle, "don't know if it's a good cry or a bad cry but there would have been tears."

dukes_Ducks reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] 😱😱😱😱

cheeseontoast reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] THE PEDRO MEME???????????????????????????????????????????

anabreathing reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] ARE WE GOING TO SEE THEM ON A MAGAZINE TOGETHER LORD HAVE MERCY

TESTmeTRY reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] in front of my mother fucking salad 💀✋

pascalispunk reposted itsYNduh's story:

howlorgrowl reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] did this mf really just say strongly worded letter 😂😂 fuck outta here

itsYNduh reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] THANK YOU 😤😤

dindjarindaddy reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] ????? WHAT IS THIS

thelastofh0e reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] his boomer jumped out smh SCREAMING

pascaldailyupdates: Pedro and Y/N spotted together in a beach in Malibu.

→ MOONBABE replied: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW *RUNS INTO A TRAINTRACK*

→ igotb00bs replied: 💔SO💔HAPPY💔FOR💔YOU💔

→ brrrrambo replied: shhhh you guys its too blurry to tell who it is

→ → dilfpascal replied: LMAOOO

→ → → ynishotok replied: we love denial 🤡

→ cornyluvaffir replied: OK BUT THE HANDS AND THE LEANING AND THE THING WITH THE

→ javimypapi replied: NO CUZ THE WAY MY DAD SAID HE SAW THE MANDO GUY ON THE BEACH AND I DIDNT BELIEVE HIM

→ → 404dead replied: ✋✋✋✋ aint no fucking way 💀

→ dingdongdont replied: *sips clorox cutely*

dadystate0mind: BABE WAKE UP NEW PEDRO Y/N PICS JUST DROPPED

→ dilfpascal replied: what if was my last straw

→ ynbaeluv replied: im so glad this is blurry so i can pretend i didnt see it

→ lmaotryagain replied: the pda is pdaing

→ honeyyn replied: no cuz he got her smiling like mad 😢

→ pedromiamor replied: 😭😭😭

→ ynthighsluv replied: alexa play that should be me

LOOK: Pedro Pascal and Y/N Y/L/N in New York

→ batmanis1 replied: LMAOOOOOO THEY REALLY SAID 4K ULTRA HD

→ → yuh1200 replied: FRRR IM SOBBING I CANT USE THE ITS TOO BLURRY EXCUSE ANYMORE

→ → → jennieluvu replied: JOKES ON YOU I DONT HAVE MY GLASSES ON

→ → → → isaacpascal replied: DW I BLURRED THE PIC FOR US [image attached]

→ propernadz replied: I'm mentally unwell because they look so good together and I cannot deny.

→ stuckyforlife replied: GOD I HAVE SEEN WHAT YOU DO FOR OTHERS

→ natasharomanovv replied: i just woke up

→ → nevergain replied: same 😭😭😭

bellaramsey reposted itsYNduh's story

508cutie reposted bellaramsey's story [captioned] HELP BELLA REPOSTED THIS I CANT

donttalkbetty reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] SCREASMIFNF

pascalispunk reposted itsYNduh's story:

dilfpascals reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] DEAD IN THE GRAVE NO ONE TOUCH ME

memeynok reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] APOLOGY WITH TEARS

anderson_1 reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] no but theyre so cute for this and i hate it

enterthesandman reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] HES SHYYYYYY

ilovepascl reposted pascalispunk's story [captioned] WHAT IF THIS WAS MY LAST STRAW

itsYNduh reposted pascalispunk's story:

igotitithink reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] GOD I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR OTHERS

ILOVEyn reposted itsYNduh's story [captioned] WHEN IS IT MY TURN

[not-a-unique-snowflake-blog]

AHAHAHA THAT WAS SO FUNNY AND HOT!!!🤣🤣🤣 Love all the meta talk!! And Daddy definitely can get it with his dirty talk and tasty spaceboi cum👽🛸😍🥵🥵🥵 Thank you, Puddles!!💕

Jizz Fingers║ ⓞⓝⓔⓢⓗⓞⓣⓢ

|| ꂵꍏꀤꈤ ꂵꍏꌗ꓄ꍟꋪ꒒ꀤꌗ꓄ || | PAIRING(s): alien!Joel x reader

| RATING: explicit material | 18+ | WORD COUNT: 3.2k | CONTENT: This is a crackfic. Joel is not Joel. He’s an alien that can shapeshift and isn’t into the splorgimums on their own planet. He wants to nut in you with his creampie fingers. It’s not supposed to make sense. It’s not supposed to be anything but fun and sexy and silly. It’s meta. It’s tongue-in-cheek. It’s self-indulgent. If you’re not into that kinda thing then idk what to tell ya, bud. 

| SYNOPSIS: u get creampied by a dick finger alien Joel Miller.

The sonorous silver ship glided above you before descending gently into a large clearing in the field ahead. Bright light flooded your vision as a hidden door pushed away from the spacecraft and revealed an occupant.

It appeared to have an amorphous, fluid corporeal form, but no matter the shape it always remained an off-white greenish gray color. Six large onyx orbs were situated near the top of the form. You assumed they must be eyes or some other sort of organ. When the greenish grey flaps snapped together and apart a few times in quick succession, you realized they were in fact lidded eyes.

A warbled voice sounded inside your mind. “Do not be afraid. I come in peace, and I stand before you with no intention of harming you.”

You realize the creature is speaking to you through your own mind.

You should be afraid, but instead you’re just fascinated and exhilarated. You aren’t sure why they’d say the same thing twice, though, just in a slightly different way. You also aren’t sure if you should respond in your head, out loud, or at all.

“That’s kinda a weird thing to say. Like, you said it twice,” you point out, speaking loudly and clearly enough that the creature can hear you.

At least, you think they can hear you. You don’t see any ears. Then again, they possess the capability of telepathic speech, and there must be some equivalent to hearing for that. You try to think what that is called or what that might be called when the creature shifts back and forth but still doesn’t approach.

“Those were two separate statements,” the voice in your mind contends firmly.

“Huh?” you ask. You’re sure you sound dumb, but you were never really going to be a match for a higher level intelligent being anyways.

“When I bust, it is peaceful for every being involved. I also greet you with good intentions,” the voice patiently clarifies.

Suddenly you are standing no more than arm’s length away from the being. “I saved your achilles the trouble,” the voice in your mind said, as if it was some huge favor.

“My achilles is fine,” you grumble awkwardly. “I know I should hit leg day more, but sometimes it’s just so–”

“Our sex organs are complimentary,” the voice interrupts. “We could perform the Divine Dance, if you’d like.”

You wanted to ask why they had to come all the way to Earth just to get laid, but you think better of it.

“The splorgimums on my planet just don’t get me,” the voice explains. You realize you said your thought aloud.

“Oh. Uh, okay. S-Sorry about that. I, uh, didn’t mean to offen–”

The creature waves a gelatinous blob arm dismissively. “No offense taken. You’re not like other splorgimums. I can tell. You’re different,” it assures you.

You feel a blush creep onto your cheeks. “Oh. Well, uh–” an awkward giggle “—thank you. But I’m not really that special, here on Earth I mean. There are other women who are wayyyyyy more attractive. Oh! I know! You should try driving by Doja Cat’s house because oh my god she is so. fucking. fine. Like, if I had her in that I’m A Cow Bitch Moo costume for 5 minutes I’d—”

“No. No Doja Kitties. Only you.”

You shrug and accept their obsession with you.

“Okay. So now what? I don’t know where your Divine Dance hole is, and your floating blobs are sort of freaking me out,” you admit.

You keep tabs on the hovering goops that orbit the creature. They remind you of the time you tried to make Key Lime Jello Shots for your uncle’s cousin’s dog’s recital but added too much vodka.

“I can take the form of something pleasing to you. An earth male, perhaps? The female of your species is more difficult to capture as they are far superior.”

“So fuckin’ true,” you agree. “But, hhmmmm, a male specimen? I mean, I hate all men, but Pedro Pascal seems pretty decent. Maybe you could turn into Joel Miller? You know, from The Last of Us?”

The creature nods — you think it’s a nod — and transforms into Joel. Game Joel.

“Oh, uh, look, Pixel Daddy is fine as hell, especially in part 2, but I meant the HBO adaptation of the game. Please,” you correct.

“How’s this?” Pedro’s version of Joel’s voice asks aloud.

Your pussy bottoms out. “Oh, fuck yeah.”

You disrobe completely as you enter the spacecraft.

“I set it to 72º Fahrenheit. Is that a suitable climate for your meat suit?” Joel asks.

“Yeah, that’s perfect. Mr. Alien, could you, like, put more of the twang into his voice? And use words like he does?  Like, how he sounds on the show? You know what, let’s watch a few clips to get it right.”

You pull up your account on your phone, but it takes you a minute to find it because you forgot they changed it from HBO Max Go to just Max. “So fuckin’ stupid. Purple is a better color than blue anyway,” you mumble to yourself as you pull up an episode.

The galactic creature uses some magical time skip thing to binge the entire series and gets a yucky smudge of goop on your phone screen when it attempts to find season 2.

“There’s just one season? Please tell me there’s another one,” Joel implores.

“Yeah, there’s a second season, but it’s not out yet,” you inform him.

“Damn. But you said there’s two games already? So what happens in the second game?” he asks.

“You know what, we super don’t need to get into that right now. Let’s see what you’re working with,” you quickly change the subject and grab at his crotch.

He grunts in approval. “Needy lil thing, aren’t’cha? You want my cock, baby?”

Your eyes narrow suspiciously. “Did you use a time jump thing to read a whole bunch of Joel Miller smutfic on Tumblr?”

Joel blushes and scratches the back of his neck. “Eh, mighta read a few.”

“Oh my god, you’re gonna be super nasty and dominant, aren’t you?” you sigh.

“Only if that’s what you want, baby. I’m a consent king,” he assures you.

“Well, alright then. I want you to rawdog me and slap my ass, okay?”

He smirks and pulls you close. “I’ll give ya what I give ya, and you just gotta take it,” he grunts into your neck as he nibbles and sucks downward.

You gasp at the sensation and grind your hips into him. “Oh fuck, Joel,” you whine. “I want you to wreck me, please!”

“Gonna fill that cunt up,” he says gruffly as he gropes your ass and breasts.

“Yes, Daddy, please!” you beg.

He pauses for a moment and looks confused.

“Oh, uh, you must not have got to those kind of fics–” you cough awkwardly “–uh, anyway. Sorry. Joel. Yes, Joel, please.”

“I can sense the vibrations of your inner sex organ when you call me that. If it is sexually gratifying to you, I wholly welcome the use of it,” the original voice says inside your mind.

“Oh wow. I love that you’re not kink shaming me. Glad you didn’t make it to that side of Tumblr,” you huff in a laugh.

Joel suddenly pins you against the wall and presses his hard, clothed cock against your bare skin. Even through the denim you can tell he’s huge. Apparently all those fic writers were right all along.

“Who’s gonna fill up that pretty cunt uh’yours, huh?” he demands as he grabs the back of your neck for leverage.

“Y-You, Daddy,” you say in an aroused tremble.

“That’s fuckin’ right. When my fat cock is inside you, I better hear you singin’ some thank you’s to Daddy for fillin’ you up so good,” he warns.

“Yes, Daddy, I’ll be your good girl,” you promise. 

He flips you around without warning and pushes your chest flush against the wall. 

“Even good girls need to be reminded every once in a while what happens if they don’t listen to Daddy,” he says in a low gruff.

His clothes have magically disappeared with the help of his alien outerspace boi powers. You feel him firm against your backside before a harsh slap of his palm replaces it. You jump and yelp in pain at the surprise spanking.

“Mmmm, pretendin’ you don’t want it, but I feel you pushin’ your ass back for more,” he taunts. 

You whine because he’s right. You can only imagine the derisive comments he’d make if he felt how wet you are. 

He lands another three harsh swats on the same patch of skin. Tears prickle up in your eyes. “D-Daddy,” you moan. 

“You gonna thank Daddy for keepin’ you in line, baby?” Another swat. It stings so much you know there must be an imprint of his hand clearly outlined by your welting red flesh.

“Thank you, Daddy!” you choke out. “Th-Thank you for k-keeping me your good girl and not letting me b-be bad, Daddy. I only wanna be good for you, Daddy!” you wail.

“That’s what I like’tuh hear, baby,” he grunts into your ear. “Ask Daddy to make you into his own little cocksleeve. Ask Daddy to give you this big, fat cock.”

You whimper as he slips his length between your folds and rubs back and forth in teasing passes. 

“Daddy, I want you to use my pussy. I need it so bad. Please. I just wanna be your cocksleeve. Use my holes, Daddy,” you whimper.

You barely finish your sentence when he flips you around again and lines himself up with your entrance. Apparently the alien creature was just as into this as you are because their altered form reverted back to the amorphous gray green blob. You’re way too horny to be picky about it right now, so you squeeze your eyes shut. You forgot to charge your vibrator, anyway.

Their penis was more like fingers that kinda moved around randomly. You don’t know. You’re not an astrophysicist or whoever it is that would best be knowledgeable about alien wieners.   

Its spongy gray appendage felt firm and slimy as it entered you. There was some sort of phantom connection to your mouth and throat as well, the sensation of its finger-penis dragging back and forth, able to be felt in both your pussy and your mouth. It was weird, but you knew if it was Joel Miller doing it then it would somehow become totally fine and very hot. 

“You’re getting too lost in the sauce,” you whine. “You’re in your true form again. Change back.”

“Mmmmm, sorry, baby,” came the familiar gravelly voice once more.

When you felt brave enough to open your eyes again, you saw those familiar Wreck-It-Ralph sausage fingers and sighed in relief. The alien had changed back to your preferred form of Joel Miller as portrayed  by José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal.

As much as you wanted to stare at his face, you also wanted him to dick you down through the floorboards of the ship. You wiggle to sink down onto your hands and knees. “Wanna be wide open for you, Daddy,” you pout.

He makes an approving growling noise and scrambles behind you, shoving you downward between your shoulder blades until your face is smushed into the floor. He makes no effort to warn you before slamming his entire length into you. The impact of his wide tip against your cervix is so forceful it punches the air out of your lungs. You let out a panicked, strangled moan, suddenly unsure if you were going to be able to take this dick like a champ.

Joel grabs your hips for leverage and starts pistoning rough, deep strokes into your drenched pussy. “Gaahh–Goddamn! Fuckin’ chokin’ it, honey,” he rasps in a labored voice. “Feel so fuckin’ tight for me.”

“It’s s-so big, Daddy. I dunno if I can take it,” you cry.

“You can take it. You can take it for Daddy. Be a good girl or m'gonna hafta punish you,” he cautions. As a reminder of what that might entail, he strikes your backside so hard your entire body jerks as you let out a sob.

A high pitched moan gathers in Joel’s throat as you start to accommodate his size. “Yeah, fuckin’ like that, huh? Like when Daddy spanks you? Makes ya listen?”

“You’re so good to me, Daddy!” you sob. Your arousal is practically dripping down your thighs. You listen to the hum of the engines mixing with the sounds of your drooling cunt being fed Joel’s massive cock over and over again. He grabs your wrists and pulls you upward, using your limbs like reins on a horse. You have no control over the depth of penetration in these positions, and Joel is opting for nothing less than utterly devastating your pussy.

“M’gonna give you these fingers, too, baby. Know you can take it,” he pants.

He releases your arms and lets you scramble to catch yourself before faceplanting.

“Hey! You could’ve at least–”

“Shut your fuckin’ mouth and take what Daddy gives you,” he snarls.

You whine and clench around him. You feel a boogery churro type object prodding at your asshole. You turn your head quickly enough to see the creature has let Joel’s arm halfway revert back into the wiggly blobby thing.

“Did I say you could turn around?” he barks. He spanks you again with his 100% Joel hand, hard enough that you know there are pinpricks of blood beginning to seep through.

“I’m sorry, Daddy!” you scream.

You feel him now inside both holes. It’s overwhelming and amazing. The phantom throat thing is back again, and you like how you gag even with an “empty” mouth.

“Got enough for every hole you got and then some, sweetheart,” he practically slurs. He sounds completely wrecked.

You feel your lower belly heating up and quickly tightening.

“Oh my fucking god, Joel. I’m getting so close,” you gasp.

“THAT AIN’T MY FUCKIN’ NAME WHEN I’M STUFFIN’ YOU WITH MY COCK, SWEETHEART,” he grits out as he wraps his hand around the front of your throat and squeezes.

When your breaths quickly become hard to take, you know you’re going to come soon.

“I want your space juice inside me, Daddy!” you cry out, not caring if you’re breaking the illusion. You still needed to be clear and consensual in your approach to this intimate exchange, and you needed to address the weird topic of whether or not your birth control could do effective hand to hand combat with spaceboi cum. 

“Our sexual organs are compatible, but our reproductive hormones and liquids are not,” the voice explained in your mind.

The Jim Carrey baby grinch was kinda cute, but you still felt better knowing you weren’t going to birth a little green gremlin alien baby. (Although you did think Victor or Clementine would be nice names.)

“Put a baby in me, Daddy! Fuck your baby into me!” you beg now that you know you can’t actually get pregnant. 

“Uh, I mean, there’s just so much pregnancy fic out there,” Joel hedges carefully, still maintaining his merciless thrusts. “You don’t really wanna make this into a whole thing do you? Ya know, with the pregnancy storyline and stuff? Some users have actually said they prefer—”

“No, Joel, I’m not actually—” you interrupt in a huff “—I’m just saying it to be sexy. It sounds sexy. Besides, there’s some fic writers who basically only write creampies but none of their characters ever seem to get pregnant. It’s kinda wild. There’s a fic writer I can think  of right now, actually. She loves creampies so much.”

“So she’s just really into pussy gettin’ drenched but nobody’s gotta deal with babies? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal if ya ask me,” he approves.

“Yeah, I think the only pregnancy fic she has is, like, this really nasty oneshot where the reader is already pregnant and she gets double teamed by Tommy and you at the same time. Oh and she lactates. I wasn’t into it at first, but it was kinda hot. Maybe you’ve read it? The author calls herself Puddles?”

“Oh, her? That Gasoline Rainbow lady? I thought she just made memes?” He sounds surprised and impressed. He’s hitting your cervix repeatedly with such force that you feel like your vagina is going to look like somebody dropped a tray of lasagna on a pubic hair linoleum floor.

“No, she actually has, like, legit fic on there, too. She’s, like, really talented. I can’t believe she doesn’t have more followers,” you laugh incredulously. 

You’re glad he doesn’t ask how you would know how many followers she has since that isn’t publicly available information. You hate it when plot holes have to be smoothed out nicely and still fit in with the story. It’s so boring and way too much work sometimes.

“Maybe stuff like alien jizz fingers is a little too much for people to–”

“Okay, this is getting too meta. Let’s just get back to you fucking me so rough I can’t walk right for an entire week, okay?”

“Hnngg, fuck yeah. Daddy’s gonna wreck this cunt,” he hisses as his thrusts pick up pace.

“DADDY, I’M GONNA COME,” you cry as you start clenching and seizing around the massive circumference of his cock.

Joel lets out a guttural, choked moan as he empties inside you. You can feel it from his weird creampie fingertips, too — even the invisible one in your mouth and throat. You’re trembling, trying to keep yourself upright as Joel fucks into you through his orgasm. You lick your lips. There’s a flavor there. Is that….?

“You like Daddy’s brisket cum, sweetheart?” he grunts as his thrusts slow to a sloppy grind.

“I thought I tasted barbecue,” you muse. It was bewildering, but mostly satisfying.

“Yeah, tastes just like those Fourth of July backyard get-togethers you love in that Texas heat,” he breathes. "You runnin' around in barely anything, makin' me hafta adjust myself so your dad don't catch his best friend ogling his precious daughter."

“I’m starting to think you read more fic than you admitted to earlier,” you assert.

“I like it, darlin’,” he shrugs.

“Are you gonna follow Puddles now? Oh! Can you do a mind link thing with her and see what she’s working on next?” you implore.

Joel appears to zone out for a minute, and you take the opportunity to stare at his naked body. He looked perfect. His eyes focused again as he looked at you.

“Her waveforms are erratic and very concerning, but once I subdued a Brain Goblin inside her mind I was able to discern she is likely to be releasing some Ezra from Prospect centered fictional stories,” the voice inside your head revealed. "They are very sexually aggressive."

“Nice,” you say under your breath.

“So you gonna let me have that sweet pussy again, sweetheart?” Joel drawls.

“Yes. But I’m going to need you to familiarize yourself with Pedro’s extensive works. I’m thinking we could do some really great Mando roleplay in this spaceship,” you say with a big smile as you gesture around.

Joel smirks at you. “Don’t matter what form I take. You’re still gonna be callin’ me Daddy.”

“Yes, Daddy,” you agree with a big grin.

I hope those splorgimums understand what they lost bc that's our man now! Special thanks to Multiversed Daydreamer (Fuzz) for inspiring part of the title and @xdaddysprincessxx for the shared derangement over That Old Man™.

Undying thanks to @psychedelic-ink and @bonezone44 for writing some of my fave ~aLtErNaTiVe KiNk CoNtEnT~ and inspiring me to let my brain run wild with this crackfic.

catch ya later, ♥Puddles♥

P.S. - I counted how many times "Daddy" appears in this, and it's 29.

tagging: @wannab-urs, @gracieispunk, @milla-frenchy, @patti7dc. @lumoverheaven, @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog, @toxicanonymity, @rubyfruitjungle, @huffle-punk, @jupiter-soups, @swiftispunk, @theywhowriteandknowthings