#pecco what if i was so stressed out and anxious what then

[worldchampionpeccobagnaia]

until the end guys !!!! ♥️🥹

[stay-insouciant]

C R A S H E D

As I type my thoughts on the 29th of March 2020, things have largely been very different from what I used to know. It’s scary how our circumstances can change so much in an instant and what we used to make us safe and comfortable can be so stress inducing. 

Ever since I left my first job in 2016, things have never been the same. After “graduating” from my first job, there was so much stress, uncertainty and with a lack of direction, I stumbled into many meaningless job searching process. I was lost and scared. In the end, I settled for things that weren’t meant for me. I suffered another 1.5 years of boredom and listless life. Though things may be simple, it sucked the soul out of me. I am never the same. The passion in me died off in 2016. What happened then? I was beaten up by hurtful words and demoralised about being directionless. 

Coupled with uncertainty, I thought I found what was needed and what I had passion for... UX Design. I took a leap of faith and jumped right through the roof to participate in the 10 weeks immersive programme. It was fun and enriching but simultaneously, produced tremendous stress and anxiety in me. I was constantly having palpitations, thoughts of giving up on the course, unable to speak, breaking down randomly and loss of appetite. However, I am glad to have seriously gone through it and at least emerged by passing the class!!! 

I have to be honest... the current job searching situation is worst than I have thought! I painfully sent out 80 jobs application... only to receive 3 interviews in return. I reflected upon my previous job search where I was rather selective and cautious but was still highly being considered... though I have to be honest... I have been rejected by several. Was it my communication skills or interview skills? Was I not passionate enough? Truthfully told, my 2nd job was nothing more of a luck. AMK, FY, PECCO, METTA, SAMH. Some I got through, some I didn’t. In the end, I guess it is really luck-based. 

However, in this new pursuit of UX designer role, I was caught off guard. I never knew there was a degree. I, coming from a certificate, thinking I could defeat those who spend 3 years putting in effort and money to study their job! Coupled with the stress of time and few interviews which I did not perform well. I was deeply stressed out and panicky. I didn’t realise my anxiety level is shooting up. I feel breathless and I feel anxious going for interviews. I don’t feel confident and feel negative about the upcoming interviews. 

Perhaps, I am starting to feel worn out. Perhaps, I am starting to toy with the thought that I am not qualified to call myself a UX Designer. Perhaps, I am also uncertain and lost to what UX Designer entails me to do. 

I am deeply affected and painful about not finding a job. I become highly sensitive, guarded about words people say about me. Maybe, I should return but maybe I should hang on. Dear Universe, can you tell me what to do? Can you send me something good along the way?